Transcript
Speaker: Let's Play Pretend is an explicit podcast with subject matter that may be disturbing to some listeners.
Speaker: Content warnings can be found in the episode description.
Speaker: Yeah, Cody's laughing, so it's good.
Speaker: Let's Play Pretend!
Speaker: Let's Play Pretend!
Speaker: I had it ready.
Speaker: I know you did.
Speaker: I'm glad it didn't slip out of your hands with all that condensation.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Well, I'm better than that.
Speaker: I know how to not drop alcohol.
Speaker: Yeah, party foul.
Speaker: I don't have alcohol this week, but goddamn I need it.
Speaker: Well, you know where I live after we're done.
Speaker: Hello, everybody, and welcome back to Let's Play Pretend.
Speaker: My name is Jordan Derringer.
Speaker: I am your DM, GM, keeper, handler, and host.
Speaker: And Melanie, that was supposed to be a cone.
Speaker: I have with me, as always, Mr. Nick Barnett.
Speaker: Ned Dollar in here.
Speaker: Today I have a fun fact and not a rap because I was playing a different game and I forgot to write something.
Speaker: So my Ned fact is that I have only smoked weed one time.
Speaker: And can I tell you, the backseat of Ryan's car is the most comfortable couch in the world.
Speaker: You know, I was going to make a backseat of a car joke, but I decided against it.
Speaker: Also with me as always, Mr. Brick Black.
Speaker: Ryan Winchester, the tiny dice are here to stay, and I really want to play pretend.
Speaker: I like the stay play.
Speaker: That was good.
Speaker: That was good.
Speaker: I went back to metal dice this week because with you guys doing these puzzles, I felt it needed the gravitas.
Speaker: Heavy choices.
Speaker: Yeah, exactly.
Speaker: Yeah, but I'd metal dice her for killing players, so they don't worry.
Speaker: No, I don't like that.
Speaker: That's very fair.
Speaker: I also have with me, as always, Mr. Matchek.
Speaker: Arthur Deuceburg here with my blood dice, and I hope that's not a bad omen.
Speaker: I thought about rolling my blood dice today, but again, the metal ones just seemed like the right choice.
Speaker: Just seemed like the, just, I mean, just listen to that.
Speaker: That just sounds like the right choice, doesn't it?
Speaker: Sounds like you would hurt if you threw it at someone, that's for sure.
Speaker: And last but certainly not least, I have with me my beautiful bride, Mrs. Melanie Derringer.
Speaker: I play Samantha Williams and I have joined the Tiny Dice crew today.
Speaker: Yay.
Speaker: You will not sway me with your words.
Speaker: I have to interject really quick.
Speaker: I have only played this game with a single solitary set of dice.
Speaker: I have never changed.
Speaker: Who are you and are you sure you're a dice goblin?
Speaker: Because...
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I am a very meticulous dice goblin.
Speaker: Even when we played your D&D campaign before we started this whole podcast thing, I only rolled one set of dice for Tolkien.
Speaker: I think you need new dice.
Speaker: I like my clicky-clacky magic rocks.
Speaker: I have a set of dice for every character, and I don't roll them for anybody else.
Speaker: Oh, nice.
Speaker: That's fair.
Speaker: That's fair.
Speaker: That is fair.
Speaker: I am just a heathen.
Speaker: I have a big old bag of dice that I put my fucking Cheeto covered mitts in there and be like, I want to use this dice.
Speaker: I feel like I'm the heathen.
Speaker: You guys are always changing dice and having cool new dice and stuff.
Speaker: And I'm sitting here like, I have good old and green.
Speaker: No, it's called ADD, controlling your life and being like, get a new dice.
Speaker: You're like, you know, that's a good idea.
Speaker: Let's be real.
Speaker: I haven't bought new dice in a long time, so I'm just recycling dice.
Speaker: But you have so many.
Speaker: You could put together different groups.
Speaker: Like, you could start an Etsy shop.
Speaker: Because I'm a dice goblin.
Speaker: I mean, also, dice are...
Speaker: See, I do the Emily approach, and I'll roll a couple sets to see who's rolling spicy, and then I choose them from there.
Speaker: Goblin these dice.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: Dice also a really good present.
Speaker: Just don't swallow the tiny ones.
Speaker: Or do.
Speaker: They do look delicious.
Speaker: I mean, it'll clear out your colon.
Speaker: I mean, I have watermelon dice, so...
Speaker: There are gummy dice that the advertisement says freak out your friends.
Speaker: So when you bite into them, they're like candy.
Speaker: But, you know, don't mess up.
Speaker: Fuck this D20.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: I need this in my life now.
Speaker: Likewise.
Speaker: Just don't mix them up.
Speaker: Look, here's the thing.
Speaker: So just go down the order.
Speaker: Like, we'll White Elephant gift this horse shit.
Speaker: And just everybody get some gummy dice for each other.
Speaker: Those sound about as useful as edible underwear.
Speaker: Sitting in a beanbag chair naked eating Cheetos.
Speaker: Aw, good for you.
Speaker: Watching Judge Judy.
Speaker: Fucking hate Ron White.
Speaker: Apparently not, you're laughing.
Speaker: I freaking grew up on the blue collar comedy tour.
Speaker: Blue collar, yes.
Speaker: I enjoy the other three.
Speaker: Every time Ron White's segment came up, I just skipped it, though, because it was so fucking dumb.
Speaker: He's usually pretty hammered when he did a section on it.
Speaker: Oh, my God, dude.
Speaker: Let me tell you, when you're watching a comedian and you have to sit there and be like, you are really stretching your single brain cell to come up with this joke, aren't you?
Speaker: You might be a redneck.
Speaker: I'm going to be honest.
Speaker: That's how I feel about Larry the Cable Guy.
Speaker: I can't sit through his stand-up comedy.
Speaker: You guys, I just looked up candy dice.
Speaker: Oh, God.
Speaker: And I just found $10 on Etsy, a hard candy dice place at Blue Raspberry.
Speaker: Diabetic dice.
Speaker: Damn, they even got, welcome to 2023, we got diabetic dice.
Speaker: We got dice that beat us.
Speaker: Dice of Venus.
Speaker: Oh my god.
Speaker: This show's fucking over.
Speaker: I'm done.
Speaker: Rewind time.
Speaker: Fucking sound effects.
Speaker: Oh my god, that's too good.
Speaker: dice of be this please somebody make that go get that old picture of the old dude and just like make his mustache a fucking wilford i don't know his name i don't care about i just know he's funny i care i just know he's funny yeah because the way he says da beat us
Speaker: He skips letters and syllables and puts them in the wrong place, and it still sounds correct.
Speaker: That's impressive.
Speaker: Some people just got that, uh, je ne sais quoi.
Speaker: Je ne sais quoi.
Speaker: Spell that.
Speaker: I don't know what that means.
Speaker: Somebody needs to buy me a box of chocolates in D&D shaped dice for $85.
Speaker: Okay?
Speaker: That's what I want for Christmas.
Speaker: Only one person I know you should probably be buying that.
Speaker: Hint, hint, Jordan.
Speaker: How do I point at Jordan in here?
Speaker: Hint, hint.
Speaker: I'm not spending $85 fucking dollars on chocolate.
Speaker: But they're chocolate D&D dice.
Speaker: Congratulations.
Speaker: You don't buy the good chocolate?
Speaker: You should just buy like a chocolate mold for D&D dice and you can have all the chocolate dice you want.
Speaker: Hey, there you go.
Speaker: Making money on Etsy.
Speaker: Let's do it.
Speaker: That's where I'm at currently is on Etsy and there's literally edible dice.
Speaker: There's gummy dice.
Speaker: There's dice lollipops.
Speaker: Hey, Melanie.
Speaker: The one that you sent to the group literally says box of chocolates inedible.
Speaker: I don't care.
Speaker: And make them edible.
Speaker: Means you cannot eat.
Speaker: Bet me, Batman.
Speaker: Hold on.
Speaker: The reviews, the five stars, 98%.
Speaker: There's a four star, 2%.
Speaker: I want to read the two star or the four star review.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Read it.
Speaker: I'm not there yet.
Speaker: There's a whole bunch of fucking reviews on this thing.
Speaker: A lot of people have.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Melanie, you're already on the page.
Speaker: Go find that four star review.
Speaker: I'm on the page and it says it's hard resin.
Speaker: I'm still going to try.
Speaker: Bye, T. Wait till after the baby's born.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: We've gone way off target, gentlemen and lady.
Speaker: If she swallowed a dice, could you imagine if the baby came out holding a D20?
Speaker: She better roll a 20.
Speaker: That is not how that whole system works, Nick.
Speaker: You have a child.
Speaker: Are you saying you'd be a child?
Speaker: That's the way she said that.
Speaker: The one that has four stars doesn't have an actual review.
Speaker: It's just four stars.
Speaker: They suck.
Speaker: The one I found for four stars says the dice are extremely light, very pretty, but not sure they are worth the cost.
Speaker: Taste terrible.
Speaker: I found a three star review.
Speaker: Ooh.
Speaker: The dice themselves are absolutely beautiful.
Speaker: However, communication is the only downside for me personally.
Speaker: I had requested symbols on my dice and they weren't colored in.
Speaker: I gave the green light to have the symbols colored in because it looked weird.
Speaker: And instead I got a number over top of the symbol disappointed in this.
Speaker: And I would add other miscommunications.
Speaker: However, Etsy deletes messages after a period.
Speaker: And I do not wish to misquote.
Speaker: I feel like you should be reading that in all caps.
Speaker: I feel like that was a personal attack on the shop itself and not a real review because this shop has high qualities, like a high star count.
Speaker: So like, I think that person was just being a little asshole.
Speaker: Uh huh.
Speaker: A little asshole.
Speaker: What the fuck is it?
Speaker: Here's another three star review.
Speaker: Great smoke effect, but fire was more like floating gold coins.
Speaker: What?
Speaker: Is there something wrong?
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: I seriously, you guys, I seriously found D20 lollipops and I really want a D20 lollipop now.
Speaker: Is it edible?
Speaker: Yes, they're actually edible.
Speaker: This is watermelon D20 lollipop diabetic candy.
Speaker: What's with all the diabetic candy?
Speaker: I don't understand.
Speaker: Wait, does that mean it's sugar-free or full of way too much sugar?
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: It just says diabetic candy.
Speaker: Why would they advertise it for diabetics?
Speaker: Are you saying it's a diabetic trap?
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: It doesn't list the ingredients, so I'm assuming it's safe, like sugar-free.
Speaker: It doesn't say that we should try.
Speaker: It does not say that it's safe for diabetics.
Speaker: It could say, or it could be that it will give you diabetes.
Speaker: Or it could just be pumped full of insulin and it's just really bad for you.
Speaker: It's just full of fucking insulin.
Speaker: It's made by Willy Wonka?
Speaker: What the fuck?
Speaker: Willy Chonka.
Speaker: I'm going to have to buy it and we're all going to have to try it.
Speaker: It's $2.
Speaker: I found a five ounce jar of fucks.
Speaker: You would indeed have some fucks to give them.
Speaker: Oh my god.
Speaker: Hey, I have a question for everybody.
Speaker: Yeah, what's up?
Speaker: Who wants to play pretend?
Speaker: I'm enjoying looking up candy dice.
Speaker: I was going to say, god damn, at this point we're just going to fucking do a nothing but intro.
Speaker: Welcome to the Candy Vodcast.
Speaker: I mean, I am not upset if we did decide to do that.
Speaker: I'm not upset with that.
Speaker: Yeah, the first words on this jar of fucks that's five ounces says, use your fucks wisely.
Speaker: You're born with a ton of fucks to give, so you spend them like a kid with a credit card.
Speaker: You give fucks about your friends, your grades, and your fashion sense about strangers' opinions.
Speaker: You give way too many fucks about way too many things.
Speaker: You have so many.
Speaker: Then as you get older, you have maybe 10 fucks per month, so you learn to budget them.
Speaker: You allocate fucks to family and career, but then there aren't enough fucks to give to the newest fads.
Speaker: Oh, someone at work has something they need my help with that's outside my job title?
Speaker: Well, fuck that.
Speaker: I'll do my best to allocate some fucks, but this month is pretty tight.
Speaker: This is the description?
Speaker: Oh, I have three more paragraphs if you'd like them.
Speaker: Oh my god.
Speaker: I'd like to play some pretend at some point.
Speaker: Alright, back to the description.
Speaker: It's literally a jar with the word fuck over and over inside of it.
Speaker: This is great.
Speaker: Oh, you found it.
Speaker: Oh, I sent it to you, Dar.
Speaker: It's not loading on mine.
Speaker: I want to see it.
Speaker: Oh, this is perfect.
Speaker: It's $15.99.
Speaker: That's not bad.
Speaker: At the very bottom.
Speaker: No, hold on.
Speaker: At the very bottom, 12-ounce jars now available on the store.
Speaker: Oh, yes.
Speaker: Oh, my God.
Speaker: There's only 11 left, so you better order them soon.
Speaker: Oh, otherwise there's no more fucks to give.
Speaker: This person is saved up.
Speaker: They're selling their fucking 401k.
Speaker: I love this.
Speaker: Enjoy this.
Speaker: Because there's a bag.
Speaker: We're all too young for my joke to be funny.
Speaker: There's a bag.
Speaker: If you scroll down where it says top products for this, there's a bag you can refill your fucks to give.
Speaker: Oh, my God.
Speaker: Oh, my God.
Speaker: Oh, my God.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: All right.
Speaker: So I have to keep reading this.
Speaker: Then as you get even older, you're down to one to two fucks per month.
Speaker: And those fucks are pretty damn precious.
Speaker: You give them to your family and your hobbies and your job.
Speaker: That's kind of it.
Speaker: It's not your fault.
Speaker: Fucks expire too quickly.
Speaker: I would have saved my fucks from when I was young, but I couldn't.
Speaker: Then you hit fuck insolvency.
Speaker: You're getting like one fuck a year and you have to make it last.
Speaker: So you go without.
Speaker: And even for previously fuck worthy things, you just can't give a fuck.
Speaker: Some people run out really quickly.
Speaker: Some people have a fuck trust fund that pays out a decent amount, even into old age.
Speaker: But at some point the fuck faucet runs completely dry and you're out of fucks to give.
Speaker: It's just basic fuckingomics.
Speaker: Gandhi, probably.
Speaker: Whether this jar of fucks sits on your desk at work or on a bookshelf, let it be a physical reminder that your fucks are a precious resource.
Speaker: Don't let all the frustrations in the world distract you from what's really important.
Speaker: Breathe in, filter it out, and move on.
Speaker: I just hit the buy it now button.
Speaker: Did you seriously fucking put it in?
Speaker: Advertisement worked.
Speaker: I did.
Speaker: This is on the way to my house right now.
Speaker: Estimated delivery, November 3rd.
Speaker: You better give a fuck.
Speaker: Breck also posted in the group chat a coin that has zero fucks to give.
Speaker: It's like a Hedgeson Hills.
Speaker: I saw that.
Speaker: I saw that.
Speaker: Do you know how I found this?
Speaker: I just typed in D20 candy, and that's how that came up.
Speaker: D20 candy on Amazon and the fucks came up?
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: That makes no sense.
Speaker: That is perfect.
Speaker: Oh, my God.
Speaker: Yeah, I just ordered them, so.
Speaker: Everybody, you all may get one of my fuck.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Why'd you have to word it like that?
Speaker: One fuck for you, please.
Speaker: I just hope my fuck doesn't expire.
Speaker: Did I just hear somebody say, I just want some fuck?
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Well, now you have.
Speaker: You want some fuck?
Speaker: I just found some yummy semen mints.
Speaker: Oh, Jesus Christ.
Speaker: I hate every word you just said.
Speaker: Their slogan is come have a taste.
Speaker: Oh, my God.
Speaker: Stop.
Speaker: This has been fun, guys.
Speaker: I think I'm done playing pretend.
Speaker: United States of no fucks.
Speaker: Hey, Matt, what's your address?
Speaker: No.
Speaker: Let me dox me on our podcast.
Speaker: It's 1, 2, 3, Sesame Street.
Speaker: Fucking Melanie!
Speaker: Bigger's gonna kill me.
Speaker: I found a better coin.
Speaker: You know, it was a Muppet?
Speaker: It was a Muppet?
Speaker: What about a Muppet?
Speaker: There's a lot of Muppets, to be fair with you.
Speaker: Official asshole.
Speaker: Are you calling yourself a Muppet?
Speaker: Are you a Muppet?
Speaker: Whoever possesses this coin is certified an official asshole by...
Speaker: Team ZFG, ZeroFucksGiven, and the International Council of ZeroFucks.
Speaker: I love it.
Speaker: I want to see if we can get sponsored by the group I just sent in the Discord.
Speaker: Why?
Speaker: BagOfDicks.com.
Speaker: Well, so it's funny because as you were saying, you know, we should all do like a Secret Santa thing and get... Oh, God, why did this bring you a Secret Santa?
Speaker: No, why not?
Speaker: Santa brought me a bag of penises.
Speaker: Just listen to it.
Speaker: Listen, as Nick was saying, like, we should all do like the secret thing.
Speaker: But I'll get each other the D20 candies like the D&D candies.
Speaker: I was thinking to myself, yeah, but I'll be that asshole that sends someone a bag of dicks.
Speaker: Yeah, you're so welcome.
Speaker: I just like how you're like, bag of dick candy.
Speaker: Oh, yeah, Secret Santa.
Speaker: Do you guys want to do this so I can send somebody a bag of dicks?
Speaker: Yeah, exactly.
Speaker: That's exactly what he's fucking thinking.
Speaker: I kind of want to order this middle one.
Speaker: It's the singing bag of dicks.
Speaker: I'm guessing when you open it, it's like a card, and it'll probably start singing.
Speaker: Did you see the one that's below it?
Speaker: The evil singing bag of dicks?
Speaker: There's an evil singing bag of dicks?
Speaker: The lore is getting too extreme, guys.
Speaker: The evil singing bag of dicks doesn't stop playing for six plus hours.
Speaker: Oh my god.
Speaker: Jordan?
Speaker: You work at a post office.
Speaker: Order this and send it to your manager.
Speaker: No.
Speaker: His manager is trying to help him get a good job right now.
Speaker: And actually, we have a new manager and he's actually really nice.
Speaker: Which is even better to send him a singing bag of dicks.
Speaker: Just not the evil singing bag of dicks.
Speaker: There's a bag of black dicks.
Speaker: A bag of dicks koozie.
Speaker: There's a bag of black dicks.
Speaker: It really is.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: All the candies are black.
Speaker: I know there's a website.
Speaker: It's not this one, but it's like a glitter bomb.
Speaker: Like, you know, you open it and then all of a sudden... Oh my God, yeah.
Speaker: But there is one that it's glittery dicks and they explode into your face when you open it.
Speaker: The fact, though, that this evil singing bag of dicks is only $25.69.
Speaker: Why am I not surprised that you clicked on it?
Speaker: And also the fact that it's $25.69.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, they had to.
Speaker: If you notice, almost every single one of their prices ends in 69.
Speaker: There's a couple of them that are like 99 or, you know, zero, zero.
Speaker: But most of them are 69.
Speaker: You just received a bag of dicks much better than a sack of pricks.
Speaker: Not for nothing, but someone you know just sent you dicks.
Speaker: Their promotion on the bottom is, seriously, what are you waiting for?
Speaker: You could order an underwhelming ordinary bag of dicks from one of our flaccid competitors.
Speaker: Or you could buy it from the best prank gift company in the world.
Speaker: You can buy the bag of dicks eight-pack dick box with priority.
Speaker: Jesus Christ.
Speaker: It's less than $5 per bag.
Speaker: Dick priority.
Speaker: Okay, I gotta read this one too, because...
Speaker: You gotta.
Speaker: I gotta.
Speaker: We've taken the best bag of dicks and made it better by making it downright devious.
Speaker: So what is different about this bag of dicks prank, you ask?
Speaker: Unlike our standard singing bag of dicks, with the evil bag of dicks, the jingle never stops playing.
Speaker: You read that right.
Speaker: When someone clicks the play button on our standard singing bag of dicks, it plays an annoying bag of dicks jingle one time.
Speaker: You can start and stop it by pressing the button however many times you like.
Speaker: With the evil bag of dicks...
Speaker: We're taking it one step further.
Speaker: When someone clicks the play button, the bag of dicks jingle will not stop playing.
Speaker: Ever.
Speaker: While that's not entirely true, it will stop about three or four hours later when the batteries die.
Speaker: Mwahaha.
Speaker: Warning.
Speaker: If you send someone the evil bag of dicks, you very well could be starting a full-on prank war.
Speaker: Here's the question we got asked the most.
Speaker: Yes, it is 100% anonymous if you want it to be.
Speaker: No one will ever know you sent them a bag of dicks.
Speaker: That is, unless you tell them yourself.
Speaker: You must be 18 years or older.
Speaker: purchase product and you may not send this product on the website to anyone who is under 18 years old.
Speaker: Well, that escalated really quickly at the end.
Speaker: Yeah, they don't want to get liable for any of that, you know, weird shit.
Speaker: Okay, goddammit, now that I opened your stupid no-fucks coin and I don't give any fucks bag or all the fucks to give jar on Amazon, I'm getting all these fucking... Continue shopping with a coin that says, I get... Or heads, I get tail.
Speaker: And it's... And it's a coin with a lady on it with gigantic bazonkers.
Speaker: And on the back... And on the other side, it says tails I get head with the same lady bent over with her ass up in the air.
Speaker: I see no problem with this coin.
Speaker: Why is this coming up on my fucking Amazon now?
Speaker: Because I'm in a podcast with all men.
Speaker: No, it's because you gave a fuck.
Speaker: Okay, so I also just hit search on the D20 candy thing.
Speaker: I really want this metal D20 that instead of one just says fuck.
Speaker: Yeah, I've seen those.
Speaker: My buddy has one of those.
Speaker: And it's great.
Speaker: Ooh, Spider-Man collector 20-sided die.
Speaker: What?
Speaker: God, I love dice.
Speaker: How did we get here?
Speaker: So Ned's going to go pull the owl statues lever.
Speaker: Yo.
Speaker: Okay, so that's the question.
Speaker: We're 25 minutes into this episode.
Speaker: Do we want to play tonight?
Speaker: Honestly, I would totally be okay with doing a nothing but intro because my brain is kind of fried and a little bit freaked out by the fact that
Speaker: We're going to be having a daughter on Monday.
Speaker: True.
Speaker: Monday, Monday.
Speaker: I feel like this would be a good unwind episode for everybody.
Speaker: I'm fine with that as long as everyone else is cool with it.
Speaker: Yeah, I got no qualms.
Speaker: I'm going back to Amazon.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Oh, no.
Speaker: Oh, my God.
Speaker: Basil's like, yes, yes, come back to me, child.
Speaker: Look up more dicks.
Speaker: Yes, buy the evil dick pack with 20 dicks.
Speaker: Wait, wait, wait.
Speaker: I just found, oh my god, I found the worst thing ever.
Speaker: Worst than the evil dicks?
Speaker: Oh yes, because if you type in just the word dicks into Amazon.
Speaker: That sounds like your first problem.
Speaker: Hold on.
Speaker: I found a book.
Speaker: It only comes in paperback, but this book is titled 8,000 Dick Picks.
Speaker: 8,000 Pictures of Dicks.
Speaker: Oh no.
Speaker: Someone printed off 8,000 pictures of dicks and put it in a book.
Speaker: It is $7.
Speaker: If this isn't your white elephant gift for somebody somewhere this year, you fucked up.
Speaker: All right.
Speaker: So Melanie and Matt, which one of you is going to get it for the white elephant for your family this year?
Speaker: Not me.
Speaker: I'm just not going to respond to that.
Speaker: All right.
Speaker: It's going to be Matt.
Speaker: All right.
Speaker: So like put it in a box that's like two feet by three feet, like make it a huge fucking box and just fill it with confetti.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I can't wait for like a child to get it.
Speaker: Oh yeah, totally.
Speaker: With my luck, it'll be my son.
Speaker: I'll just walk out if that fucking happened.
Speaker: I would stare Jordan in the eyes as his son opened it.
Speaker: I don't want AJ to know I did that.
Speaker: I'm gone.
Speaker: You want to know what your Coco Matt did?
Speaker: No.
Speaker: My soul.
Speaker: So I'm just looking up different gag gifts on Amazon.
Speaker: And I typed in gag and accidentally hit search.
Speaker: Oh shit, I'm not muted.
Speaker: I'm sorry.
Speaker: I was wondering what was going on.
Speaker: Something on my desk I'm falling over.
Speaker: I'm so sorry.
Speaker: I thought I was muted.
Speaker: You're good.
Speaker: Nick, I need that as a sound bite, please.
Speaker: Oh, I just found a roll of stickers.
Speaker: I just found a roll of stickers that says for rectal use only.
Speaker: What the fuck?
Speaker: How did we get here?
Speaker: I don't know, but you can put it on a pineapple.
Speaker: I am so sorry, Brack.
Speaker: Go ahead.
Speaker: What were you saying before I so rudely son of a bitch interrupted you?
Speaker: I was just saying I accidentally just searched up gag instead of gag gift because I fat fingered it.
Speaker: First thing to pop up.
Speaker: Oh, no.
Speaker: It's a hand towel that's embroidered with the words cum rag on it.
Speaker: Oh, no.
Speaker: First thing on here.
Speaker: Wow.
Speaker: I just want to let you know, that's where I found this horse shit for rectal use only.
Speaker: I just typed in gag.
Speaker: Oh my god.
Speaker: I haven't laughed that hard in a while.
Speaker: You guys saw in the chat that Maloney said she'd be right back, right?
Speaker: I'm going on a snack run.
Speaker: For some reason, under gag, it's like at the very bottom of the page, is a $1,300 grill.
Speaker: What?
Speaker: What?
Speaker: That is Amazon, yes.
Speaker: The Kamado Joe, classic Joe 2 18-inch charcoal grill with cart and side shelves.
Speaker: It's in blaze red.
Speaker: What's the gag?
Speaker: There's no gag.
Speaker: How expensive it was?
Speaker: Yeah, no shit.
Speaker: $1,300 fucking dollars for a red egg.
Speaker: Okay, I have to say it.
Speaker: I actually have one of these gag gifts that's on here.
Speaker: The wife got it for me.
Speaker: I have the toilet timer.
Speaker: The toilet timer?
Speaker: Is this to time how long it takes you to take a shit because for some reason men take hour-long shits?
Speaker: Sure do.
Speaker: Yes, actually, that is specifically why she got it for me.
Speaker: She got really fed up with me taking too long.
Speaker: Why the fuck do you guys sit in there so long?
Speaker: It's peaceful.
Speaker: Take a shit.
Speaker: I was just about to say that's the first time we've had been able to sit down and be quiet like all day.
Speaker: Yeah, for real.
Speaker: Doesn't your ass hurt after a while?
Speaker: I mean, not when your legs go numb.
Speaker: That's fair.
Speaker: Then at that point, you wonder why we're in there so long.
Speaker: Our legs have gone numb.
Speaker: Then we're afraid to stand up.
Speaker: I'm going to turn into an epiphany toilet.
Speaker: You're face pointing into something else.
Speaker: You start thinking about your life when you're taking a shit.
Speaker: While we're talking about fun things that we found on Amazon, I found a paperback book for $6.53 called Fuck the Fuck Off, You Fucking Fuck Nugget Fucker.
Speaker: Oh.
Speaker: I'm glad we don't have to censor our podcast.
Speaker: No, this is going to be the one episode I do censor.
Speaker: That fucking...
Speaker: book title is going to be even more funny, which is I just found a book called How Not to Fart During Sex.
Speaker: What the fuck?
Speaker: I just found one that says How to Cope with a Massive Penis.
Speaker: Yeah, I found that too.
Speaker: This property is protected by Fuck Around and Find Out sign.
Speaker: I feel like we need that for our house because we're in the middle of nowhere.
Speaker: Someone's dying.
Speaker: Jordan.
Speaker: Breathe, man.
Speaker: Breathe.
Speaker: What did you find?
Speaker: I found a sign that says what?
Speaker: And I cannot stress this enough.
Speaker: The fuck?
Speaker: That sounds like you.
Speaker: Oh,
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: I found a pillow that says MILF.
Speaker: Man, I love fajitas.
Speaker: It's an amazing pillow.
Speaker: It's right above the Nancy Pelosi toilet paper.
Speaker: Of course.
Speaker: Because why not, right?
Speaker: Did you guys just search gag gifts on Amazon or something like that?
Speaker: I just searched the word fuck.
Speaker: I found another grill.
Speaker: I found the elusive blinker fluid.
Speaker: I got a rock.
Speaker: I got a jar of dirt.
Speaker: I got a jar of dirt.
Speaker: Oh, I said it out loud.
Speaker: It's going to pop up soon now.
Speaker: I found a bookmark that says, fuck off, I'm reading.
Speaker: Not funny.
Speaker: I found a super blow pop that's in the shape of a dick.
Speaker: That's most of them.
Speaker: Pass.
Speaker: Hey, I found the blinker fluid.
Speaker: Fucking expensive.
Speaker: I'm sure it's... Oh!
Speaker: Matt, I found you a Danny DeVito tank top.
Speaker: Oh, fantastic.
Speaker: I'm going to put it in the Zencaster chat so you can open it.
Speaker: Fantastic.
Speaker: Yeah, I got you.
Speaker: Everyone go look at this.
Speaker: Thanksgiving.
Speaker: You need to order it now.
Speaker: That's a monkey.
Speaker: I just... There's a notebook that says, look at you turning 16 and shit.
Speaker: Oh my god.
Speaker: Jordan, mute yourself when you fucking cough.
Speaker: I did.
Speaker: No, you didn't.
Speaker: We can see it spiked on the goddamn thing.
Speaker: Yeah, I didn't realize I was going to be coughing that hard.
Speaker: I muted halfway through.
Speaker: I found a...
Speaker: candle.
Speaker: It says, my last fuck.
Speaker: Oh, look, it's on fire.
Speaker: Oh my God.
Speaker: Your colonoscopy report results are in good news.
Speaker: They found your head.
Speaker: Okay, well, while this looking around on Amazon's fun and everything, and while I still completely endorse doing it, do we have any other topics we would like to speak about while we're here?
Speaker: Anything fun going on in life or anything like that?
Speaker: I want Spider-Man 2 to have New Game Plus.
Speaker: Is that qualified?
Speaker: I'm hearing that a lot and I hate you so much right now.
Speaker: Why?
Speaker: I was, I was trying to look up Danny DeVito socks and one of you guys said new game plus.
Speaker: So I typed in Danny DeVito plus.
Speaker: Oh no.
Speaker: What'd you get?
Speaker: I want to, I want to Danny DeVito new game plus looks like he's got all his gear.
Speaker: It's a whole lot of Disney Plus and his IMDB.
Speaker: And how much did Jersey Mike's pay Danny DeVito?
Speaker: How much did they pay him?
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: Let me find out.
Speaker: At least a couple hundred thousand dollars.
Speaker: And that's how they worded it.
Speaker: They worded it.
Speaker: That's weird.
Speaker: Danny DeVito and Jersey Mike's.
Speaker: It's likely that DeVito is ranking in at least a couple hundred thousand dollars.
Speaker: I found a tapestry that you can hang on your wall that looks like the window from the Krusty Krab with Squidward looking through it.
Speaker: I could use that.
Speaker: Ow!
Speaker: Arya!
Speaker: She's annoyed I'm doing the podcast.
Speaker: She's upset you're not rolling dice.
Speaker: Right?
Speaker: Hey, roll them so I can knock them off the table, asshole.
Speaker: Not these!
Speaker: Stop biting me.
Speaker: They're slippers, but they look like feet.
Speaker: Ugh.
Speaker: Oh, yep.
Speaker: I just found the 50,000 dick pics book.
Speaker: Wait, 50,000?
Speaker: Mine was only 8,000.
Speaker: You're getting deeper than I did.
Speaker: Oh, yeah.
Speaker: No, this is 50,000 pictures of dicks for $5.99.
Speaker: The one that I saw was dick pics in nature, and it was like a mushroom.
Speaker: Excellent.
Speaker: Dick pics in nature.
Speaker: Oh, there's a book for seven bucks, The Seven Laws of Ass Eating.
Speaker: All right, we're getting off the Amazon topic now.
Speaker: Yeah, let's go.
Speaker: Talking about ass eating and all that shit.
Speaker: Bezos is a dirty motherfucker.
Speaker: I found a sign.
Speaker: I was just saying I found one of those like wooden signs that you see at people's houses.
Speaker: Like one of them that you see like on a bookshelf or what have you.
Speaker: And it's got a knight on a horse.
Speaker: And it says, thou may ingest a satchel of Richards.
Speaker: I'm pretty sure that we got that shirt for Richard at some point.
Speaker: Okay, I've got a question for you.
Speaker: All of you.
Speaker: Oh.
Speaker: Amazon is closed.
Speaker: Amazon is closed.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: All right.
Speaker: I'll close Amazon too.
Speaker: Amazon is closed.
Speaker: Never had Amazon open.
Speaker: He's just been along for the ride.
Speaker: Yep.
Speaker: I got off Amazon when I hit the next button, like the fifth time.
Speaker: I was like, wait a minute.
Speaker: I'm not supposed to do that.
Speaker: What if you could go back in time?
Speaker: When would you travel to?
Speaker: Does it have to be in my lifetime or?
Speaker: If you could go back in time, when would you travel to?
Speaker: It's all going to smell.
Speaker: What?
Speaker: What?
Speaker: If you go in the past, if you go way in the past, it's all going to fucking smell.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Can I go in the future?
Speaker: I'm not talking about your bowel movements, Matthew.
Speaker: I'm talking about if you could travel back in time, what time period would you travel back to?
Speaker: I want to give a sarcastic answer and be like, I'd go back to the time of the dinosaurs.
Speaker: But then I'd just fucking die.
Speaker: Why would that be a sarcastic answer?
Speaker: Because I would die.
Speaker: Then you could see dinosaurs and you could come back and be like, actually, all of us are wrong.
Speaker: You didn't say we could come back.
Speaker: Yeah, so am I able to just jump back and forth whenever I want?
Speaker: Sure, sure.
Speaker: Okay, then yeah.
Speaker: I'd like to see dinosaurs in real life.
Speaker: I'm just reading off the question I found that said, if you could travel back in time, when would you travel to?
Speaker: Jump back to the early 2000s.
Speaker: Only the early 2000s, huh?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I mean, anything before that would just suck.
Speaker: Damn.
Speaker: Damn.
Speaker: Wow.
Speaker: True.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: The 90s were okay.
Speaker: Are you sure about that?
Speaker: No.
Speaker: You might even say the late 80s was okay, Nick.
Speaker: Shut up.
Speaker: You're not wrong.
Speaker: I mean, I was born, so it had to have been pretty good.
Speaker: I mean, yeah.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: I'll take that one.
Speaker: I'd go back to 2008.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: That's real specific.
Speaker: Oh, it's very specific.
Speaker: It's the year he graduated high school.
Speaker: It is.
Speaker: And it's also the year that I would go up to myself, grab myself by the shoulders, and say, buy the fucking Bitcoin, and then just disappear from sight.
Speaker: You took my idea.
Speaker: That's what I was going to say.
Speaker: No.
Speaker: I remember 2008, I had just gotten the job at UPS.
Speaker: I was getting steady paychecks that were actually of any sort of value for the first time.
Speaker: Bitcoin was just becoming a fucking thing, like hearing about it and whatnot.
Speaker: And I remember the first time that I saw that shit, it was like 0.00000065 cents per Bitcoin.
Speaker: Oh my God.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Are you fucking high?
Speaker: Buy all of it.
Speaker: Spend your entire paycheck on that.
Speaker: I promise you in 10 years, no more work.
Speaker: No more work for you.
Speaker: I mean, no one believes that.
Speaker: You don't have to do nothing.
Speaker: You more rich than Donald Trump, you motherfucker.
Speaker: If I'm going to do something like that, I'll go back and buy Tesla stocks.
Speaker: And then right before Elon makes his really bad decisions, just sell everything.
Speaker: Just get rid of it all.
Speaker: Dump it.
Speaker: Isn't this what the villain in Back to the Future was going to do with all the bettings and sports bettings?
Speaker: Yes, but he went too far.
Speaker: Are we all biff?
Speaker: He went too far.
Speaker: Just get the money and then just chill the fuck out.
Speaker: Just go live in Bora Bora and don't do a damn thing the rest of your life.
Speaker: Neither do your next five generations.
Speaker: They're cool.
Speaker: Are you saying he biffed it?
Speaker: Ha!
Speaker: Bora Bora.
Speaker: What do you mean Bora Bora?
Speaker: I'm going to go to Germany and buy a castle.
Speaker: Fuck you guys.
Speaker: I'm going to go to the Philippines.
Speaker: You're going to have to expand on that one there, bud.
Speaker: I have a co-worker at work who's from the Philippines, and she was showing me pictures from...
Speaker: back home and it's just a beautiful place.
Speaker: It's a place I'd like to actually see.
Speaker: Have you ever heard of Balut?
Speaker: Nope.
Speaker: What?
Speaker: Something they've eaten there.
Speaker: It's kind of disgusting.
Speaker: To be fair, no matter where you go in the world, every culture's got something that everyone else thinks is disgusting.
Speaker: I only know about it because of the podcast, the Bad Friends, they have...
Speaker: Someone that was, one of the co-workers was from there, and they talked about Balut and how much they loved it.
Speaker: They ate it on the show.
Speaker: And it's an egg.
Speaker: It's like a chicken egg.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: We've got another thing for you guys.
Speaker: I have one.
Speaker: Okay, hurry up.
Speaker: But I was going to ask Matt, what about the egg?
Speaker: Like, what makes it bad that it's an egg?
Speaker: Oh, it's basically a chicken that's about to, you know, hatch that they basically turn into food.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah.
Speaker: So when you open it, it's like, hello, I could have been alive.
Speaker: And then you're like, breakfast.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: That's honestly like one of my worst nightmares when it comes to eating eggs.
Speaker: I love farm fresh eggs, and I'm so happy that your grandma shares them with me.
Speaker: And I would love chickens someday, but knowing that there's a rooster in your grandmother's coop scares the shit out of me.
Speaker: I don't think there is anymore, though.
Speaker: I think the rooster died.
Speaker: I think it's all hens now.
Speaker: Is it?
Speaker: Well, beforehand, when there was a rooster, I was always afraid that I would end up cracking one open and there'd be a partially developed rooster.
Speaker: chicken fetus and i probably would have swore off eggs for the rest of my life yeah that would be horrific i'm gonna be honest it's as bad as you think it is i did have that happen to me oh we had chickens and a rooster yeah it wasn't great yeah if i ever have chickens i will never have a rooster i don't want fertilized eggs nope
Speaker: Nope, I would rather just go to Farm and Fleet and buy more on chick days or whatever.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Melanie gave me this prompt on Halloween, or a day or two before Halloween.
Speaker: But I think it's a fun one here.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: You have been given the express opportunity to add the word fuck to one Disney or Pixar movie.
Speaker: What movie and where are you adding it?
Speaker: Well, since I've had time to think of mine, I will tell you what mine is now.
Speaker: In The Lion King, when Scar is throwing Mufasa off the cliff and he says, long live the king, instead of long live the king, he would say, long live the fucking king.
Speaker: And then... There you go.
Speaker: I got one.
Speaker: What?
Speaker: For a toy story when he's yelling at Buzz, he's like, you are a fucking toy!
Speaker: That's funny.
Speaker: That was actually my first answer.
Speaker: But I think I have a better one.
Speaker: Oh?
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: And this one's actually going to hit home close to you, Matt.
Speaker: The beginning of a bug's life.
Speaker: When they have the big rock full of the offering for the grasshoppers and flick throws down his machine and it's still sitting there shaking and then it flips and it knocks the rock and the whole offering goes into the water and flicks just sitting there.
Speaker: No, no, no, no, no.
Speaker: Instead of that first odd, just fuck.
Speaker: Oh, that's good.
Speaker: That was good.
Speaker: I'm sitting here thinking like I don't, this is like having only one fuck to give left.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: I need to make sure I put my fuck in the proper place.
Speaker: So weird.
Speaker: It's a weird way to say that.
Speaker: It's the proper way to say that.
Speaker: Hmm.
Speaker: I'm sitting here going through like Big Hero 6 and Monsters, Inc.
Speaker: and whatnot.
Speaker: Huh.
Speaker: Put that fucking thing back where you came from, or so help me.
Speaker: So help me.
Speaker: It doesn't have to be Pixar.
Speaker: It can be.
Speaker: No, wait.
Speaker: That's it.
Speaker: Matt gave it to me, but in a different spot.
Speaker: Put that thing back where it came from, or so fuck me.
Speaker: What?
Speaker: I'm going with that.
Speaker: I'm good with that.
Speaker: He's the bard.
Speaker: See, another one I thought of is 10,000 years can give you such a fucking crick in the neck.
Speaker: I would have paid money to hear Robin Williams say that.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: The outtakes.
Speaker: Oh, I'm sure he did too.
Speaker: He was a dirty motherfucker.
Speaker: Now that you're back, you can also hear.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: He went burb.
Speaker: Now he went burb.
Speaker: Now he's back.
Speaker: Since you're back now, you can also hear the prompt.
Speaker: I heard the prompt.
Speaker: Oh, okay.
Speaker: Then where the fuck you putting it?
Speaker: I am also putting it in Monsters, Inc., but I'm giving it to the old lady that always talks to Mike Wazowski and is like, where's your fucking paperwork, Mike Wazowski?
Speaker: Fucking Mike Wazowski.
Speaker: I'm watching you, Wazowski.
Speaker: Always fucking watching.
Speaker: Oh, I don't want the Emperor's Groove.
Speaker: You threw off the Emperor's fucking groove.
Speaker: Wrong fucking lever, Kronk!
Speaker: Why do we even have that fucking lever?
Speaker: I do have to say that is my favorite movie of all time.
Speaker: Emperor's New Groove is so good.
Speaker: Hi, Ari!
Speaker: I'm upset because I was going to play a Kronk sound effect in this next episode if we would have played because it's all about pulling fucking levers.
Speaker: Oh,
Speaker: I'll keep that up your sleeve for the next time.
Speaker: I was thinking about it since Monday, goddammit.
Speaker: I'm just driving around work and I'm like, all right, which lever are we going to pull next?
Speaker: Pull the lever, Kronk!
Speaker: Pull the lever!
Speaker: Okay, y'all.
Speaker: Have you seen those Am I the Asshole videos on TikTok?
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Oh, yeah.
Speaker: Okay, so I found one and I want to read it to you.
Speaker: And I want you to tell me if you think this person's an asshole or not.
Speaker: The title is, Am I the Asshole for Telling My Parents They Should Ease Up on Treating My Sister-in-Law Like This Isn't Her First Pregnancy.
Speaker: My brother Jake is married to my sister-in-law Sam.
Speaker: Jake has two kids with his ex Ella, 11, and Micah, 9.
Speaker: They divorced when Micah was four months old and his ex passed away three years ago, which is when Sam met the kids.
Speaker: The kids have not taken to Sam.
Speaker: They're okay with her, but in no way do they treat her like she's their parent, and they also don't really treat her like a close family member.
Speaker: Sam accepts that the kids are set... Are the set...
Speaker: Hang on.
Speaker: Sam accepts that the kids set the tone of the relationship and she does her best to encourage a bond between her and them while not forcing it.
Speaker: I think she's really great at walking the line, but my parents have essentially decided she's now the kid's mom and they have the same expectations they would for someone who has been there since conception.
Speaker: This has really come through now that Sam is pregnant.
Speaker: She is scared.
Speaker: She is worried about the delivery and the, and having a newborn.
Speaker: And she also worries that the kids and about the kids and how they will respond to a new half sibling.
Speaker: My parents are always telling her she can, she can do it.
Speaker: And she has all the experience she needs and can see how close Ella and Micah are.
Speaker: And she shouldn't be worried about their reaction to the baby.
Speaker: because they will love him or her as much as they love each other.
Speaker: They, uh, they brought, they're brought up seeing her, seeing her commit that this was her.
Speaker: I can't talk all of a sudden.
Speaker: They brought up seeing her comment that this was her first time.
Speaker: And they told her that it's not true.
Speaker: She was, she's already had two kids.
Speaker: Um,
Speaker: The comment was about being pregnant and that she seemed, and they seemed to brush over it.
Speaker: I saw Sam and she was alone and asked her, and I asked her how she was doing.
Speaker: She admitted she was struggling and she was trying to drown out all the stuff my parents say.
Speaker: But since she doesn't have her own support network, her family, her family put a mess, puts mess in messy.
Speaker: My parents are around so much it's hard.
Speaker: She said she doesn't feel like she can be honest, that she's a bit lost and feels totally unprepared and worries about her abilities as a mom.
Speaker: She said they are so convinced she's already a mom, but while she does all the practical stuff, they don't rely on her for stuff all the way, or rely on her stuff the way a baby will likely do.
Speaker: I confronted, I comforted, comforted, my God, I need to go to bed.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I comforted her to the best of my abilities.
Speaker: Then I went and spoke to my parents and told them they need to ease up on Sam and treating her like this isn't her first pregnancy.
Speaker: I told them, well, yes, she's there and doing a lot, participating in the duties for Ella and Micah.
Speaker: They were both in school and when she met them,
Speaker: She had never been pregnant.
Speaker: I also pointed out that they do not regard her as their mom, and the more they push that on them, the more harm it could do to the relationship with the kids.
Speaker: My parents told me
Speaker: It was terrible.
Speaker: It was a terrible mindset to have.
Speaker: And blood is not what makes a family and blood does not make you a parent.
Speaker: They said they are helping Sam and she will be glad for their advice later down the road because it does no good to dwell on the first pregnancy when she is a mom.
Speaker: They were so offended and told me later that I was making things worse.
Speaker: Am I the asshole?
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: She's the daughter is an asshole for standing up for her sister-in-law.
Speaker: Yep.
Speaker: How?
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: I'm just going with this.
Speaker: That was a lot.
Speaker: Yeah, that was a lot to process.
Speaker: I would say no.
Speaker: She is not an asshole for standing up for her sister-in-law.
Speaker: I think the parents are being assholes because they're putting this preconceived notion that Sam is Ella and Micah's mom.
Speaker: But the question was, am I the asshole?
Speaker: And everybody is an asshole.
Speaker: Jordan.
Speaker: Jordan had that answer cooked in his brain as soon as you said, hey, guys.
Speaker: Listen to this.
Speaker: He's like, oh, we're not an asshole.
Speaker: All right.
Speaker: Have you heard of the Am I the Asshole videos?
Speaker: Yes, you're the asshole.
Speaker: Yep, I've had it cooked since then.
Speaker: So no, you haven't heard of the asshole videos then.
Speaker: Melanie, I did a stitch with one.
Speaker: That's not what I'm talking about.
Speaker: I'm talking about when people read Am I the Asshole stories off of Reddit.
Speaker: Like I just did.
Speaker: It was, okay.
Speaker: He understood.
Speaker: He knows where it is.
Speaker: Yeah, the TikTokers read him off of Reddit.
Speaker: He just mentally had a comment ready.
Speaker: He was like, all right, once we get through this Reddit post, I don't know what my smart ass is going to say.
Speaker: It's because Jordan thinks everyone's an asshole.
Speaker: I don't think she's an asshole.
Speaker: I think it's very brave of her to stand up to her parents about it.
Speaker: I think some very helicopter parents think they know everything.
Speaker: I was just about to say, the parents are very narcissistic in that.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Like you can tell your daughter-in-law is having a hard time being the second wife and is also never, and being pregnant for the first time.
Speaker: And then to sit there and say, well, you've already had kids, so it shouldn't be a problem.
Speaker: Well, I have kids that my significant other had from another marriage.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: This is my first time carrying.
Speaker: Sorry, go ahead.
Speaker: I was just going to say, it's not even the fact that she has other kids she takes care of.
Speaker: It's the fact that she's never been pregnant before.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Pregnancy is... I feel like growing another person is probably a little different.
Speaker: Than parenting to... Yeah.
Speaker: Than most anything else in the world.
Speaker: Almost teenage children.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Mm-hmm.
Speaker: Yeah, I'm just going to go with pretty much anything else in the world.
Speaker: So, and if that was the parents, obviously one of them is the mother because, I mean, six million people have all been born from a woman at some point.
Speaker: So that mother obviously understands that or should.
Speaker: Should.
Speaker: Should is the key word.
Speaker: Speaking of Reddit, have you guys heard of Shower Thoughts?
Speaker: I have.
Speaker: I have.
Speaker: Shower Thoughts fuck me up.
Speaker: I have a couple here that I want to read you and see what you think here.
Speaker: Let's see.
Speaker: Let's start with there hasn't been a single murder free day in all of recorded history.
Speaker: That sounds about right.
Speaker: I buy that.
Speaker: Dads fall asleep while watching TV.
Speaker: Wait, wait, what about before humans?
Speaker: Recorded history was stated.
Speaker: Yeah, I said recorded history.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: That and animals.
Speaker: I missed that part.
Speaker: But it's not murder then.
Speaker: Murder is a concept that humans made up.
Speaker: True.
Speaker: Shut up.
Speaker: I did say recorded.
Speaker: I did say recorded.
Speaker: Dad, you did.
Speaker: I missed that part.
Speaker: That's alright.
Speaker: Dads fall asleep while watching TV because sitting comfortably around a flickering light source with your mate and offspring checks about 90% of the contentment boxes of the caveman brain.
Speaker: Fact.
Speaker: Nailed it.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Alright, you ready for the disturbing one?
Speaker: Always.
Speaker: Cats have sex doggy style.
Speaker: Ugh.
Speaker: I've thought that before.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Weird.
Speaker: Here's the thing.
Speaker: Why is it coined doggy style when all animals mate that way that are not human?
Speaker: Because you see dogs do it more than anything?
Speaker: That is not fucking true.
Speaker: Isn't there like a marsupial, like something related to the koala that doesn't missionary?
Speaker: You guys know so many sex positions for animals.
Speaker: Matt, you go Google it for me because I don't want to be put on a list.
Speaker: Don't act like you've already searched that.
Speaker: Hey, did you know that koalas do missionary?
Speaker: Crazy.
Speaker: I didn't watch the video at all.
Speaker: Gross.
Speaker: You guys ready for another disturbing one?
Speaker: Shirt.
Speaker: you can, with 100% accuracy, differentiate the smell of armpit sweat, foot sweat, and genital sweat.
Speaker: What is this?
Speaker: I mean, that's super true.
Speaker: This is just shower thoughts, man.
Speaker: These are things you think about in the shower.
Speaker: I don't think about that in the shower.
Speaker: No.
Speaker: Jordan, you're not allowed to say the next one.
Speaker: I'm doing the next one.
Speaker: Instinctually, your tongue knows what everything you're looking at would feel like.
Speaker: it i have heard that before yeah like if you look at something and you you can your tongue would know what it feels like you already know just look at it like i don't feel like i have never licked my pop filter but i know what it would feel like i licked my pop filter just now
Speaker: I was just about to say, you guys, this just makes me want to lick everything just to make sure I'm accurate, right?
Speaker: And that proves that you are a man.
Speaker: A woman wouldn't have the impulse to do it, typically.
Speaker: I just fucking said that I licked my pop filter.
Speaker: But here's the thing.
Speaker: Melanie, that's the one thing right in front of your face that's right there.
Speaker: So that makes sense.
Speaker: But I can guarantee right now, Breck has got shifty eyes and he's like, I know what that curtain would feel like.
Speaker: I know what that board would feel like.
Speaker: Bro, do you have a camera in my house?
Speaker: I said Breck and not Matt.
Speaker: I know, I know.
Speaker: I know you said Breck, but still.
Speaker: You forgot to turn off your webcam, Matt.
Speaker: Shit.
Speaker: Here's a funny one.
Speaker: The object of golf is to literally play the least amount of golf.
Speaker: Have you ever played 18-hole golf?
Speaker: There's a reason for that.
Speaker: There's a reason the original rules meant you took a shot every hole.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I was about to say, you will want to play as little golf as possible so you can drink as much as you can.
Speaker: Fact.
Speaker: As fast as you can.
Speaker: Mm-hmm.
Speaker: If it's one shot per hole.
Speaker: While driving around on an electric cart.
Speaker: I understand, though.
Speaker: I love golf.
Speaker: Golf's fun.
Speaker: It is what it is.
Speaker: literally conveys zero information.
Speaker: Yep.
Speaker: Yep.
Speaker: That's the point.
Speaker: I could have just come back with it is what it is to that statement.
Speaker: So yeah.
Speaker: I say it to one of my coworkers all the time because fuck him.
Speaker: Your most common phrase at work is I want to go home.
Speaker: Yeah, that's true.
Speaker: I get that.
Speaker: It is what it is.
Speaker: I have one more shower thought and then we can move on to a different topic.
Speaker: Ooh.
Speaker: Sounds like you found another.
Speaker: I have two of them.
Speaker: It's not okay to eat food that's been left out all night for breakfast unless it's pizza.
Speaker: I'm going to be, I'm a hot take.
Speaker: You are so wrong for that.
Speaker: You should not be good.
Speaker: Expand?
Speaker: No.
Speaker: My wife, okay, my wife does that.
Speaker: And do you know how bad it is to let pizza sit out and then eat it?
Speaker: I'm not saying I agree with it.
Speaker: These aren't Jordan's shower takes.
Speaker: He's looking at a list.
Speaker: I promise you, these aren't his actual thoughts.
Speaker: I'm looking at r slash shower thoughts right now and just reading ones I find interesting.
Speaker: I know, but there's a lot of people to do that.
Speaker: I will say that.
Speaker: There's a lot of people to do that.
Speaker: But I know enough about science and medical science and stuff to know that is the worst thing you could possibly do.
Speaker: Yeah, that's fair.
Speaker: It's also the most delicious thing.
Speaker: Alright, I'm gonna leave you guys on a sad one.
Speaker: Needing to move is when it hits somebody that they don't have any friends.
Speaker: Hey, no, that hits me like every night when I'm trying to go to bed, so you're wrong.
Speaker: Bitch, you have a group chat with four of us.
Speaker: And I have started sending you TikToks.
Speaker: So we are officially friends, Brick.
Speaker: That's all I'm saying.
Speaker: I know.
Speaker: I appreciate it.
Speaker: I sent you probably seven or eight Five Nights at Freddy's ones today.
Speaker: Oh, my God.
Speaker: Oh, I know.
Speaker: It's been so good.
Speaker: Yeah, I've noticed that, Jordan.
Speaker: Eventually, I do catch up, but my God, man, you spam a lot of TikToks.
Speaker: Dude, you want to talk about someone that spams a lot of TikToks?
Speaker: She had to walk away because our sun is up.
Speaker: I will go...
Speaker: two or three days without opening the TikTok app.
Speaker: And when I do, Melanie, 99 plus.
Speaker: Oh my God.
Speaker: And I'm just like, cool.
Speaker: There goes fucking three hours.
Speaker: And I watched them all at least halfway through.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Uh, it's not TikTok, but my wife does that for Facebook and I just, I don't use Facebook enough to ever catch up to that.
Speaker: You really don't.
Speaker: I don't like Facebook for a number of reasons.
Speaker: The main one is, is that it's my actual real name and I don't want to interact with people who know my actual real name outside of like this group and like a handful of other people.
Speaker: So what you're saying is it's like the Aragon books.
Speaker: We know your real name, so we have power over you.
Speaker: Yeah, basically.
Speaker: Okay, I was just going to make sure Breck is your real name, right?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: As far as you know.
Speaker: I'm going to say that was not very convincing.
Speaker: Legally, it now is.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: No, it's always been my real name.
Speaker: Now I'm really questioning your persuade.
Speaker: No, you need to roll insight is what you need to roll.
Speaker: I'm talking Delta green.
Speaker: There ain't no fucking insight in Delta green.
Speaker: I'm talking D and D. Roll fucking insight.
Speaker: Hold on.
Speaker: I'll get my goddamn D20.
Speaker: If you're talking, sorry.
Speaker: If you're talking Delta green, it's a human.
Speaker: All right, so here's the thing.
Speaker: I pulled out my D20.
Speaker: I will point my fucking microphone down.
Speaker: Jordan, you're the DM.
Speaker: What's my modifier for my insight check?
Speaker: You're not supposed to yawn.
Speaker: You're supposed to sound excited.
Speaker: Stop it.
Speaker: I can lie to you with absolutely zero issues, so I'm going to say you get a plus one to your insight.
Speaker: Yeah, I'll deal with that.
Speaker: Wait a minute.
Speaker: Dude, I rolled a two.
Speaker: You're fine.
Speaker: Okay, that's good to know.
Speaker: But you could Lido with no problem and you gave him a plus one.
Speaker: Yeah, I mean, he would have to at least have a 12 in charisma for that, or wisdom.
Speaker: So you can Lido with no problem, but he's actually good at that.
Speaker: I don't see 12 being a good stat, but okay.
Speaker: I see your point.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Like, get understand.
Speaker: I also rolled a two.
Speaker: Man, you're harshing my vibe.
Speaker: My charisma.
Speaker: My chorizo is bad.
Speaker: It's not bad.
Speaker: It's that like in D&D terms, we're all commoners.
Speaker: We all have a 10.
Speaker: We all get a plus zero or less.
Speaker: I would say, actually, I think most commoners are like an eight.
Speaker: Is it eight?
Speaker: I don't do.
Speaker: Okay, fine.
Speaker: Nick, you get a negative one, so you get one.
Speaker: You suck.
Speaker: So do I get to roll an advantage?
Speaker: No.
Speaker: Disadvantage?
Speaker: Aim for the one?
Speaker: Sure.
Speaker: You know what?
Speaker: Disadvantage.
Speaker: Aim for the one.
Speaker: I didn't get the one.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Did you see the one TikTok that I sent you, Breck?
Speaker: That was the, that's why I love Nestle Crunch.
Speaker: Oh, God, yes.
Speaker: Oh, that one made me so happy.
Speaker: I'm going to be honest.
Speaker: I liked the Five Nights at Freddy's movie.
Speaker: I'm kind of sad they didn't use the whole bite thing for part of it.
Speaker: I mean, they kind of did when they, spoilers, bit the chicken half.
Speaker: I'll never watch it, so no spoilers.
Speaker: That's, I guess.
Speaker: So that was a bite?
Speaker: I'm 87.
Speaker: I guess, but like, if you're going that route, then the crying child should be a puddle of blood on the floor, not a traumatized child having nightmares.
Speaker: True.
Speaker: Did you guys see that Melanie had to step away for the rest of the episode?
Speaker: Oh, bye, Melanie.
Speaker: Good night.
Speaker: I hope AJ's okay.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: He's having a rough night.
Speaker: That's going to get...
Speaker: Even worse once the daughter comes.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah.
Speaker: You're not going to get sleep.
Speaker: I wish you guys luck.
Speaker: Thanks.
Speaker: I wonder if we can buy them luck off of Amazon.
Speaker: A jar of luck.
Speaker: A jar of luck.
Speaker: I'm going back to Amazon right now.
Speaker: I'm pretty sure only Bezos is allowed to buy that.
Speaker: But that would mean he's also allowed to sell it.
Speaker: It's true.
Speaker: I went to Amazon.com and it took me straight to this monkey tank top.
Speaker: It's a sign.
Speaker: There's Just My Luck with Lindsay Lohan.
Speaker: There's Pure Luck, which is another movie.
Speaker: There's Luck by Daisy Allen, which is a, I'm guessing, free Kindle book because it's $0 Kindle Unlimited.
Speaker: um there is a four leaf clover pocket token uh good luck chuck with jessica alba and dane cook good movie um good luck coins uh the luck of the irish which is a basketball game for some reason or a basketball movie can i pause you for a second sure you ran out of funny three things ago
Speaker: None of these are funny anyway.
Speaker: I just typed in luck and this is what I got.
Speaker: I can't buy luck on Amazon.
Speaker: No, that was funny.
Speaker: Amazon has everything.
Speaker: Did you know Amazon's logo, you know how it has the arrow underneath that's supposed to look like a smiley face?
Speaker: Did you know the arrow goes from the A in Amazon to the Z in Amazon because their thing is we have everything A to Z.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I didn't know that one.
Speaker: It's fucking stupid.
Speaker: It's marketing, baby.
Speaker: Are you upset that you didn't think about it first?
Speaker: No.
Speaker: I work for a competitor to Amazon, so Amazon can go jump off a fucking cliff.
Speaker: You kind of work for a competitor of Amazon.
Speaker: We all for our own services.
Speaker: We deliver Amazon's shit that they're too lazy to deliver themselves.
Speaker: Yeah, so they pay us to deliver it, which is another reason that they can go jump off a cliff.
Speaker: Man, that's how I felt when I worked at UPS.
Speaker: We delivered the postal services stuff because they couldn't handle it.
Speaker: Which is funny.
Speaker: Sounds like it's a big chain of overflow.
Speaker: 100% is just a big chain of overflow.
Speaker: And not even a chain, because we deliver UPS's stuff that they can't handle.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: No, that's what I mean.
Speaker: This is just a roundabout way of like, hey, how can I make money off you and you make money off of me and then we'll just live in our money.
Speaker: Yeah, it's totally an Ouroboros.
Speaker: So what you're saying is it's a circle jerk.
Speaker: Well, it's three of them, so it's a triangle.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Is that a triple Dutch rudder?
Speaker: What the fuck did I walk back into?
Speaker: Hey, welcome back.
Speaker: Thanks.
Speaker: What?
Speaker: Things have gone off the rails.
Speaker: I'm hearing that.
Speaker: Have you ever heard of a double Dutch rudder?
Speaker: I don't want to.
Speaker: No, I haven't.
Speaker: Matt, have you?
Speaker: No, I don't want to learn.
Speaker: Breck?
Speaker: I have an idea, but I'm not sure.
Speaker: I'll just keep my mouth shut because those who know, they know, and they're laughing right now.
Speaker: So you said that and I happened to accidentally click on Pinterest on my phone.
Speaker: I thought you were going to say you googled it.
Speaker: No, no.
Speaker: First thing to pop up is literally a meme of like, really?
Speaker: Right in front of my tendies?
Speaker: It says chicken tenders.
Speaker: Excellent.
Speaker: I'm tired.
Speaker: Yeah, same.
Speaker: I was tired.
Speaker: I'm tired.
Speaker: Alright, as much as we're joking around, as much as I say I'm the host, and I say when we're ending, that is going to be the end of this episode, guys.
Speaker: We went off the rails hard, but if you made... I didn't go on Amazon once!
Speaker: You did play, though.
Speaker: You played along.
Speaker: I did play along.
Speaker: You did play along.
Speaker: Um...
Speaker: If you made it this far into the episode.
Speaker: God bless you.
Speaker: Thank you.
Speaker: Thank you very much.
Speaker: And I'm sorry.
Speaker: Please pray for us.
Speaker: Don't worry, we'll be back in two weeks with your regularly scheduled Let's Play Pretend episode.
Speaker: But full disclosure, this is the last episode that we're recording before a break.
Speaker: Obviously, you guys are going to be hearing this way in the future, and we are going to be back to recording by the time you guys hear this.
Speaker: Hopefully.
Speaker: Oh, I'm sure.
Speaker: If this is going to drop in sequential order, yeah, we'll be back to recording before this one drops.
Speaker: But since this is the last one before Melanie and I take a little bit of time off for paternity leave and, you know, we all take time off for that.
Speaker: Um, so that way Melanie and I can get our feet underneath us.
Speaker: Um, we just need something fun to do.
Speaker: So thank you guys for sticking around.
Speaker: Thank you for joining us.
Speaker: And, uh, yeah, we'll see you guys in two weeks.
Speaker: Bye.
Speaker: Bye.
Speaker: Bye.
Speaker: Bye guys.
