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Let's Shoot the Sh!t
32 Plays1 year ago
We may have gotten a little side tracked this time and damn was it an explicit time! We hope you enjoy our nonsense!
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This show contains explicit content. Listeners be advised.
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Published by arrangement with the Delta Green Partnership. The intellectual property known as Delta Green is a trademark and copyright owned by the Delta Green Partnership, who has licensed its use here. The contents of this document are Copywrited to Let's Play Pretend, excepting those elements that are components of the Delta Green intellectual property.
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Transcript
Introduction and Content Warning
00:00:00
Speaker
Let's Play Pretend is an explicit podcast with subject matter that may be disturbing to some listeners.
00:00:05
Speaker
Content warnings can be found in the episode description.
00:00:08
Speaker
Yeah, Cody's laughing, so it's good.
00:00:17
Speaker
Let's Play Pretend!
00:00:23
Speaker
Let's Play Pretend!
00:00:43
Speaker
I had it ready.
00:00:47
Speaker
I know you did.
00:00:48
Speaker
I'm glad it didn't slip out of your hands with all that condensation.
00:00:51
Speaker
Yeah.
00:00:52
Speaker
Well, I'm better than that.
00:00:53
Speaker
I know how to not drop alcohol.
00:00:57
Speaker
Yeah, party foul.
00:00:58
Speaker
I don't have alcohol this week, but goddamn I need it.
00:01:02
Speaker
Well, you know where I live after we're done.
Meet the Hosts
00:01:09
Speaker
Hello, everybody, and welcome back to Let's Play Pretend.
00:01:12
Speaker
My name is Jordan Derringer.
00:01:15
Speaker
I am your DM, GM, keeper, handler, and host.
00:01:18
Speaker
And Melanie, that was supposed to be a cone.
00:01:28
Speaker
I have with me, as always, Mr. Nick Barnett.
00:01:31
Speaker
Ned Dollar in here.
00:01:32
Speaker
Today I have a fun fact and not a rap because I was playing a different game and I forgot to write something.
00:01:38
Speaker
So my Ned fact is that I have only smoked weed one time.
00:01:42
Speaker
And can I tell you, the backseat of Ryan's car is the most comfortable couch in the world.
00:01:50
Speaker
You know, I was going to make a backseat of a car joke, but I decided against it.
00:02:01
Speaker
Also with me as always, Mr. Brick Black.
Dice Discussions and Humor
00:02:06
Speaker
Ryan Winchester, the tiny dice are here to stay, and I really want to play pretend.
00:02:13
Speaker
I like the stay play.
00:02:16
Speaker
That was good.
00:02:17
Speaker
That was good.
00:02:18
Speaker
I went back to metal dice this week because with you guys doing these puzzles, I felt it needed the gravitas.
00:02:29
Speaker
Heavy choices.
00:02:30
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:02:31
Speaker
Yeah, but I'd metal dice her for killing players, so they don't worry.
00:02:37
Speaker
No, I don't like that.
00:02:42
Speaker
That's very fair.
00:02:44
Speaker
I also have with me, as always, Mr. Matchek.
00:02:50
Speaker
Arthur Deuceburg here with my blood dice, and I hope that's not a bad omen.
00:03:01
Speaker
I thought about rolling my blood dice today, but again, the metal ones just seemed like the right choice.
00:03:11
Speaker
Just seemed like the, just, I mean, just listen to that.
00:03:14
Speaker
That just sounds like the right choice, doesn't it?
00:03:17
Speaker
Sounds like you would hurt if you threw it at someone, that's for sure.
00:03:22
Speaker
And last but certainly not least, I have with me my beautiful bride, Mrs. Melanie Derringer.
00:03:30
Speaker
I play Samantha Williams and I have joined the Tiny Dice crew today.
00:03:33
Speaker
Yay.
00:03:38
Speaker
You will not sway me with your words.
00:03:41
Speaker
I have to interject really quick.
00:03:44
Speaker
I have only played this game with a single solitary set of dice.
00:03:48
Speaker
I have never changed.
00:03:51
Speaker
Who are you and are you sure you're a dice goblin?
00:03:53
Speaker
Because...
00:03:54
Speaker
Yeah.
00:03:56
Speaker
I am a very meticulous dice goblin.
00:03:58
Speaker
Even when we played your D&D campaign before we started this whole podcast thing, I only rolled one set of dice for Tolkien.
00:04:07
Speaker
I think you need new dice.
00:04:10
Speaker
I like my clicky-clacky magic rocks.
00:04:13
Speaker
I have a set of dice for every character, and I don't roll them for anybody else.
00:04:19
Speaker
Oh, nice.
00:04:20
Speaker
That's fair.
00:04:21
Speaker
That's fair.
00:04:22
Speaker
That is fair.
00:04:23
Speaker
I am just a heathen.
00:04:26
Speaker
I have a big old bag of dice that I put my fucking Cheeto covered mitts in there and be like, I want to use this dice.
00:04:33
Speaker
I feel like I'm the heathen.
00:04:36
Speaker
You guys are always changing dice and having cool new dice and stuff.
00:04:38
Speaker
And I'm sitting here like, I have good old and green.
00:04:43
Speaker
No, it's called ADD, controlling your life and being like, get a new dice.
00:04:47
Speaker
You're like, you know, that's a good idea.
00:04:49
Speaker
Let's be real.
00:04:50
Speaker
I haven't bought new dice in a long time, so I'm just recycling dice.
00:04:55
Speaker
But you have so many.
00:04:56
Speaker
You could put together different groups.
00:04:58
Speaker
Like, you could start an Etsy shop.
00:05:00
Speaker
Because I'm a dice goblin.
00:05:04
Speaker
I mean, also, dice are...
00:05:08
Speaker
See, I do the Emily approach, and I'll roll a couple sets to see who's rolling spicy, and then I choose them from there.
00:05:14
Speaker
Goblin these dice.
00:05:17
Speaker
Exactly.
00:05:18
Speaker
Dice also a really good present.
00:05:21
Speaker
Just don't swallow the tiny ones.
00:05:24
Speaker
Or do.
00:05:25
Speaker
They do look delicious.
00:05:27
Speaker
I mean, it'll clear out your colon.
00:05:29
Speaker
I mean, I have watermelon dice, so...
00:05:32
Speaker
There are gummy dice that the advertisement says freak out your friends.
00:05:38
Speaker
So when you bite into them, they're like candy.
00:05:41
Speaker
But, you know, don't mess up.
00:05:42
Speaker
Fuck this D20.
00:05:44
Speaker
Exactly.
00:05:44
Speaker
Exactly.
00:05:46
Speaker
I need this in my life now.
00:05:48
Speaker
Likewise.
00:05:48
Speaker
Just don't mix them up.
00:05:50
Speaker
Look, here's the thing.
00:05:52
Speaker
So just go down the order.
00:05:53
Speaker
Like, we'll White Elephant gift this horse shit.
00:05:56
Speaker
And just everybody get some gummy dice for each other.
00:05:59
Speaker
Those sound about as useful as edible underwear.
00:06:06
Speaker
Sitting in a beanbag chair naked eating Cheetos.
Comedy Tour Opinions
00:06:11
Speaker
Aw, good for you.
00:06:14
Speaker
Watching Judge Judy.
00:06:16
Speaker
Fucking hate Ron White.
00:06:17
Speaker
Apparently not, you're laughing.
00:06:23
Speaker
I freaking grew up on the blue collar comedy tour.
00:06:26
Speaker
Blue collar, yes.
00:06:28
Speaker
I enjoy the other three.
00:06:30
Speaker
Every time Ron White's segment came up, I just skipped it, though, because it was so fucking dumb.
00:06:35
Speaker
He's usually pretty hammered when he did a section on it.
00:06:40
Speaker
Oh, my God, dude.
00:06:41
Speaker
Let me tell you, when you're watching a comedian and you have to sit there and be like, you are really stretching your single brain cell to come up with this joke, aren't you?
00:06:51
Speaker
You might be a redneck.
00:06:53
Speaker
I'm going to be honest.
00:06:55
Speaker
That's how I feel about Larry the Cable Guy.
00:06:57
Speaker
I can't sit through his stand-up comedy.
00:07:01
Speaker
You guys, I just looked up candy dice.
Candy and Edible Dice Gag Gifts
00:07:07
Speaker
Oh, God.
00:07:07
Speaker
And I just found $10 on Etsy, a hard candy dice place at Blue Raspberry.
00:07:14
Speaker
Diabetic dice.
00:07:16
Speaker
Damn, they even got, welcome to 2023, we got diabetic dice.
00:07:22
Speaker
We got dice that beat us.
00:07:25
Speaker
Dice of Venus.
00:07:26
Speaker
Oh my god.
00:07:28
Speaker
This show's fucking over.
00:07:29
Speaker
I'm done.
00:07:33
Speaker
Rewind time.
00:07:35
Speaker
Fucking sound effects.
00:07:38
Speaker
Oh my god, that's too good.
00:07:42
Speaker
dice of be this please somebody make that go get that old picture of the old dude and just like make his mustache a fucking wilford i don't know his name i don't care about i just know he's funny i care i just know he's funny yeah because the way he says da beat us
00:08:05
Speaker
He skips letters and syllables and puts them in the wrong place, and it still sounds correct.
00:08:10
Speaker
That's impressive.
00:08:12
Speaker
Some people just got that, uh, je ne sais quoi.
00:08:16
Speaker
Je ne sais quoi.
00:08:17
Speaker
Spell that.
00:08:18
Speaker
I don't know what that means.
00:08:21
Speaker
Somebody needs to buy me a box of chocolates in D&D shaped dice for $85.
00:08:25
Speaker
Okay?
00:08:26
Speaker
That's what I want for Christmas.
00:08:28
Speaker
Only one person I know you should probably be buying that.
00:08:31
Speaker
Hint, hint, Jordan.
00:08:33
Speaker
How do I point at Jordan in here?
00:08:36
Speaker
Hint, hint.
00:08:37
Speaker
I'm not spending $85 fucking dollars on chocolate.
00:08:41
Speaker
But they're chocolate D&D dice.
00:08:44
Speaker
Congratulations.
00:08:47
Speaker
You don't buy the good chocolate?
00:08:48
Speaker
You should just buy like a chocolate mold for D&D dice and you can have all the chocolate dice you want.
00:08:53
Speaker
Hey, there you go.
00:08:55
Speaker
Making money on Etsy.
00:08:56
Speaker
Let's do it.
00:08:57
Speaker
That's where I'm at currently is on Etsy and there's literally edible dice.
00:09:02
Speaker
There's gummy dice.
00:09:03
Speaker
There's dice lollipops.
00:09:08
Speaker
Hey, Melanie.
00:09:11
Speaker
The one that you sent to the group literally says box of chocolates inedible.
00:09:18
Speaker
I don't care.
00:09:18
Speaker
And make them edible.
00:09:22
Speaker
Means you cannot eat.
00:09:25
Speaker
Bet me, Batman.
00:09:27
Speaker
Hold on.
00:09:28
Speaker
The reviews, the five stars, 98%.
00:09:30
Speaker
There's a four star, 2%.
00:09:33
Speaker
I want to read the two star or the four star review.
00:09:35
Speaker
Okay.
00:09:37
Speaker
Read it.
00:09:38
Speaker
I'm not there yet.
00:09:38
Speaker
There's a whole bunch of fucking reviews on this thing.
00:09:40
Speaker
A lot of people have.
00:09:41
Speaker
Yeah.
00:09:42
Speaker
Melanie, you're already on the page.
00:09:43
Speaker
Go find that four star review.
00:09:47
Speaker
I'm on the page and it says it's hard resin.
00:09:51
Speaker
I'm still going to try.
00:09:54
Speaker
Bye, T. Wait till after the baby's born.
00:09:56
Speaker
Yeah.
00:09:58
Speaker
We've gone way off target, gentlemen and lady.
00:10:01
Speaker
If she swallowed a dice, could you imagine if the baby came out holding a D20?
00:10:06
Speaker
She better roll a 20.
00:10:08
Speaker
That is not how that whole system works, Nick.
00:10:13
Speaker
You have a child.
00:10:16
Speaker
Are you saying you'd be a child?
00:10:19
Speaker
That's the way she said that.
00:10:24
Speaker
The one that has four stars doesn't have an actual review.
00:10:27
Speaker
It's just four stars.
00:10:29
Speaker
They suck.
00:10:30
Speaker
The one I found for four stars says the dice are extremely light, very pretty, but not sure they are worth the cost.
00:10:37
Speaker
Taste terrible.
00:10:38
Speaker
I found a three star review.
00:10:43
Speaker
Ooh.
00:10:44
Speaker
The dice themselves are absolutely beautiful.
00:10:46
Speaker
However, communication is the only downside for me personally.
00:10:50
Speaker
I had requested symbols on my dice and they weren't colored in.
00:10:54
Speaker
I gave the green light to have the symbols colored in because it looked weird.
00:10:58
Speaker
And instead I got a number over top of the symbol disappointed in this.
00:11:03
Speaker
And I would add other miscommunications.
00:11:06
Speaker
However, Etsy deletes messages after a period.
00:11:09
Speaker
And I do not wish to misquote.
00:11:12
Speaker
I feel like you should be reading that in all caps.
00:11:14
Speaker
I feel like that was a personal attack on the shop itself and not a real review because this shop has high qualities, like a high star count.
00:11:26
Speaker
So like, I think that person was just being a little asshole.
00:11:31
Speaker
Uh huh.
00:11:32
Speaker
A little asshole.
00:11:33
Speaker
What the fuck is it?
00:11:34
Speaker
Here's another three star review.
00:11:36
Speaker
Great smoke effect, but fire was more like floating gold coins.
00:11:42
Speaker
What?
00:11:43
Speaker
Is there something wrong?
00:11:45
Speaker
I don't know.
00:11:45
Speaker
I seriously, you guys, I seriously found D20 lollipops and I really want a D20 lollipop now.
00:11:52
Speaker
Is it edible?
00:11:53
Speaker
Yes, they're actually edible.
00:11:54
Speaker
This is watermelon D20 lollipop diabetic candy.
00:11:59
Speaker
What's with all the diabetic candy?
00:12:00
Speaker
I don't understand.
00:12:01
Speaker
Wait, does that mean it's sugar-free or full of way too much sugar?
00:12:04
Speaker
I don't know.
00:12:05
Speaker
It just says diabetic candy.
00:12:08
Speaker
Why would they advertise it for diabetics?
00:12:11
Speaker
Are you saying it's a diabetic trap?
00:12:13
Speaker
I don't know.
00:12:14
Speaker
It doesn't list the ingredients, so I'm assuming it's safe, like sugar-free.
00:12:18
Speaker
It doesn't say that we should try.
00:12:21
Speaker
It does not say that it's safe for diabetics.
00:12:24
Speaker
It could say, or it could be that it will give you diabetes.
00:12:29
Speaker
Or it could just be pumped full of insulin and it's just really bad for you.
00:12:36
Speaker
It's just full of fucking insulin.
00:12:38
Speaker
It's made by Willy Wonka?
00:12:39
Speaker
What the fuck?
00:12:42
Speaker
Willy Chonka.
00:12:43
Speaker
I'm going to have to buy it and we're all going to have to try it.
00:12:47
Speaker
It's $2.
00:12:48
Speaker
I found a five ounce jar of fucks.
00:12:52
Speaker
You would indeed have some fucks to give them.
00:12:56
Speaker
Oh my god.
00:12:57
Speaker
Hey, I have a question for everybody.
00:12:59
Speaker
Yeah, what's up?
00:13:00
Speaker
Who wants to play pretend?
00:13:02
Speaker
I'm enjoying looking up candy dice.
00:13:06
Speaker
I was going to say, god damn, at this point we're just going to fucking do a nothing but intro.
00:13:12
Speaker
Welcome to the Candy Vodcast.
00:13:15
Speaker
I mean, I am not upset if we did decide to do that.
00:13:18
Speaker
I'm not upset with that.
00:13:19
Speaker
Yeah, the first words on this jar of fucks that's five ounces says, use your fucks wisely.
00:13:25
Speaker
You're born with a ton of fucks to give, so you spend them like a kid with a credit card.
00:13:29
Speaker
You give fucks about your friends, your grades, and your fashion sense about strangers' opinions.
00:13:33
Speaker
You give way too many fucks about way too many things.
00:13:36
Speaker
You have so many.
00:13:38
Speaker
Then as you get older, you have maybe 10 fucks per month, so you learn to budget them.
00:13:42
Speaker
You allocate fucks to family and career, but then there aren't enough fucks to give to the newest fads.
00:13:48
Speaker
Oh, someone at work has something they need my help with that's outside my job title?
00:13:51
Speaker
Well, fuck that.
00:13:52
Speaker
I'll do my best to allocate some fucks, but this month is pretty tight.
00:13:57
Speaker
This is the description?
00:13:58
Speaker
Oh, I have three more paragraphs if you'd like them.
00:14:02
Speaker
Oh my god.
00:14:04
Speaker
I'd like to play some pretend at some point.
00:14:10
Speaker
Alright, back to the description.
00:14:12
Speaker
It's literally a jar with the word fuck over and over inside of it.
00:14:16
Speaker
This is great.
00:14:17
Speaker
Oh, you found it.
00:14:18
Speaker
Oh,
Prank Gifts and Online Shopping Finds
00:14:19
Speaker
I sent it to you, Dar.
00:14:21
Speaker
It's not loading on mine.
00:14:22
Speaker
I want to see it.
00:14:25
Speaker
Oh, this is perfect.
00:14:27
Speaker
It's $15.99.
00:14:27
Speaker
That's not bad.
00:14:29
Speaker
At the very bottom.
00:14:30
Speaker
No, hold on.
00:14:30
Speaker
At the very bottom, 12-ounce jars now available on the store.
00:14:35
Speaker
Oh, yes.
00:14:39
Speaker
Oh, my God.
00:14:40
Speaker
There's only 11 left, so you better order them soon.
00:14:43
Speaker
Oh, otherwise there's no more fucks to give.
00:14:49
Speaker
This person is saved up.
00:14:50
Speaker
They're selling their fucking 401k.
00:14:54
Speaker
I love this.
00:14:55
Speaker
Enjoy this.
00:14:56
Speaker
Because there's a bag.
00:14:56
Speaker
We're all too young for my joke to be funny.
00:14:59
Speaker
There's a bag.
00:14:59
Speaker
If you scroll down where it says top products for this, there's a bag you can refill your fucks to give.
00:15:07
Speaker
Oh, my God.
00:15:09
Speaker
Oh, my God.
00:15:09
Speaker
Oh, my God.
00:15:12
Speaker
Okay.
00:15:13
Speaker
All right.
00:15:13
Speaker
So I have to keep reading this.
00:15:16
Speaker
Then as you get even older, you're down to one to two fucks per month.
00:15:19
Speaker
And those fucks are pretty damn precious.
00:15:21
Speaker
You give them to your family and your hobbies and your job.
00:15:23
Speaker
That's kind of it.
00:15:24
Speaker
It's not your fault.
00:15:25
Speaker
Fucks expire too quickly.
00:15:26
Speaker
I would have saved my fucks from when I was young, but I couldn't.
00:15:30
Speaker
Then you hit fuck insolvency.
00:15:33
Speaker
You're getting like one fuck a year and you have to make it last.
00:15:36
Speaker
So you go without.
00:15:38
Speaker
And even for previously fuck worthy things, you just can't give a fuck.
00:15:42
Speaker
Some people run out really quickly.
00:15:43
Speaker
Some people have a fuck trust fund that pays out a decent amount, even into old age.
00:15:48
Speaker
But at some point the fuck faucet runs completely dry and you're out of fucks to give.
00:15:53
Speaker
It's just basic fuckingomics.
00:15:55
Speaker
Gandhi, probably.
00:15:58
Speaker
Whether this jar of fucks sits on your desk at work or on a bookshelf, let it be a physical reminder that your fucks are a precious resource.
00:16:05
Speaker
Don't let all the frustrations in the world distract you from what's really important.
00:16:09
Speaker
Breathe in, filter it out, and move on.
00:16:15
Speaker
I just hit the buy it now button.
00:16:16
Speaker
Did you seriously fucking put it in?
00:16:19
Speaker
Advertisement worked.
00:16:22
Speaker
I did.
00:16:22
Speaker
This is on the way to my house right now.
00:16:24
Speaker
Estimated delivery, November 3rd.
00:16:26
Speaker
You better give a fuck.
00:16:27
Speaker
Breck also posted in the group chat a coin that has zero fucks to give.
00:16:32
Speaker
It's like a Hedgeson Hills.
00:16:34
Speaker
I saw that.
00:16:34
Speaker
I saw that.
00:16:35
Speaker
Do you know how I found this?
00:16:37
Speaker
I just typed in D20 candy, and that's how that came up.
00:16:41
Speaker
D20 candy on Amazon and the fucks came up?
00:16:44
Speaker
Yes.
00:16:45
Speaker
That makes no sense.
00:16:47
Speaker
That is perfect.
00:16:48
Speaker
Oh, my God.
00:16:49
Speaker
Yeah, I just ordered them, so.
00:16:51
Speaker
Everybody, you all may get one of my fuck.
00:16:55
Speaker
Yes.
00:16:55
Speaker
Why'd you have to word it like that?
00:16:58
Speaker
One fuck for you, please.
00:16:59
Speaker
I just hope my fuck doesn't expire.
00:17:02
Speaker
Did I just hear somebody say, I just want some fuck?
00:17:04
Speaker
Yes.
00:17:06
Speaker
Well, now you have.
00:17:08
Speaker
You want some fuck?
00:17:10
Speaker
I just found some yummy semen mints.
00:17:14
Speaker
Oh, Jesus Christ.
00:17:16
Speaker
I hate every word you just said.
00:17:19
Speaker
Their slogan is come have a taste.
00:17:22
Speaker
Oh, my God.
00:17:23
Speaker
Stop.
00:17:25
Speaker
This has been fun, guys.
00:17:27
Speaker
I think I'm done playing pretend.
00:17:29
Speaker
United States of no fucks.
00:17:33
Speaker
Hey, Matt, what's your address?
00:17:34
Speaker
No.
00:17:36
Speaker
Let me dox me on our podcast.
00:17:39
Speaker
It's 1, 2, 3, Sesame Street.
00:17:40
Speaker
Fucking Melanie!
00:17:43
Speaker
Bigger's gonna kill me.
00:17:47
Speaker
I found a better coin.
00:17:48
Speaker
You know, it was a Muppet?
00:17:50
Speaker
It was a Muppet?
00:17:51
Speaker
What about a Muppet?
00:17:53
Speaker
There's a lot of Muppets, to be fair with you.
00:17:55
Speaker
Official asshole.
00:17:56
Speaker
Are you calling yourself a Muppet?
00:17:59
Speaker
Are you a Muppet?
00:18:02
Speaker
Whoever possesses this coin is certified an official asshole by...
00:18:08
Speaker
Team ZFG, ZeroFucksGiven, and the International Council of ZeroFucks.
00:18:15
Speaker
I love it.
00:18:16
Speaker
I want to see if we can get sponsored by the group I just sent in the Discord.
00:18:20
Speaker
Why?
00:18:21
Speaker
BagOfDicks.com.
00:18:23
Speaker
Well, so it's funny because as you were saying, you know, we should all do like a Secret Santa thing and get... Oh, God, why did this bring you a Secret Santa?
00:18:33
Speaker
No, why not?
00:18:35
Speaker
Santa brought me a bag of penises.
00:18:37
Speaker
Just listen to it.
00:18:39
Speaker
Listen, as Nick was saying, like, we should all do like the secret thing.
00:18:47
Speaker
But I'll get each other the D20 candies like the D&D candies.
00:18:51
Speaker
I was thinking to myself, yeah, but I'll be that asshole that sends someone a bag of dicks.
00:18:56
Speaker
Yeah, you're so welcome.
00:18:59
Speaker
I just like how you're like, bag of dick candy.
00:19:01
Speaker
Oh, yeah, Secret Santa.
00:19:03
Speaker
Do you guys want to do this so I can send somebody a bag of dicks?
00:19:07
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:19:08
Speaker
That's exactly what he's fucking thinking.
00:19:10
Speaker
I kind of want to order this middle one.
00:19:12
Speaker
It's the singing bag of dicks.
00:19:14
Speaker
I'm guessing when you open it, it's like a card, and it'll probably start singing.
00:19:18
Speaker
Did you see the one that's below it?
00:19:20
Speaker
The evil singing bag of dicks?
00:19:22
Speaker
There's an evil singing bag of dicks?
00:19:24
Speaker
The lore is getting too extreme, guys.
00:19:26
Speaker
The evil singing bag of dicks doesn't stop playing for six plus hours.
00:19:34
Speaker
Oh my god.
00:19:36
Speaker
Jordan?
00:19:38
Speaker
You work at a post office.
00:19:40
Speaker
Order this and send it to your manager.
00:19:42
Speaker
No.
00:19:44
Speaker
His manager is trying to help him get a good job right now.
00:19:47
Speaker
And actually, we have a new manager and he's actually really nice.
00:19:50
Speaker
Which is even better to send him a singing bag of dicks.
00:19:53
Speaker
Just not the evil singing bag of dicks.
00:19:56
Speaker
There's a bag of black dicks.
00:19:58
Speaker
A bag of dicks koozie.
00:20:01
Speaker
There's a bag of black dicks.
00:20:05
Speaker
It really is.
00:20:06
Speaker
Yeah.
00:20:07
Speaker
All the candies are black.
00:20:09
Speaker
I know there's a website.
00:20:10
Speaker
It's not this one, but it's like a glitter bomb.
00:20:12
Speaker
Like, you know, you open it and then all of a sudden... Oh my God, yeah.
00:20:15
Speaker
But there is one that it's glittery dicks and they explode into your face when you open it.
00:20:23
Speaker
The fact, though, that this evil singing bag of dicks is only $25.69.
00:20:28
Speaker
Why am I not surprised that you clicked on it?
00:20:34
Speaker
And also the fact that it's $25.69.
00:20:35
Speaker
Yeah.
00:20:40
Speaker
Yeah, they had to.
00:20:41
Speaker
If you notice, almost every single one of their prices ends in 69.
00:20:46
Speaker
There's a couple of them that are like 99 or, you know, zero, zero.
00:20:50
Speaker
But most of them are 69.
00:20:53
Speaker
You just received a bag of dicks much better than a sack of pricks.
00:20:57
Speaker
Not for nothing, but someone you know just sent you dicks.
00:21:04
Speaker
Their promotion on the bottom is, seriously, what are you waiting for?
00:21:08
Speaker
You could order an underwhelming ordinary bag of dicks from one of our flaccid competitors.
00:21:12
Speaker
Or you could buy it from the best prank gift company in the world.
00:21:18
Speaker
You can buy the bag of dicks eight-pack dick box with priority.
00:21:22
Speaker
Jesus Christ.
00:21:25
Speaker
It's less than $5 per bag.
00:21:27
Speaker
Dick priority.
00:21:28
Speaker
Okay, I gotta read this one too, because...
00:21:33
Speaker
You gotta.
00:21:34
Speaker
I gotta.
00:21:34
Speaker
We've taken the best bag of dicks and made it better by making it downright devious.
00:21:39
Speaker
So what is different about this bag of dicks prank, you ask?
00:21:42
Speaker
Unlike our standard singing bag of dicks, with the evil bag of dicks, the jingle never stops playing.
00:21:49
Speaker
You read that right.
00:21:50
Speaker
When someone clicks the play button on our standard singing bag of dicks, it plays an annoying bag of dicks jingle one time.
00:21:56
Speaker
You can start and stop it by pressing the button however many times you like.
00:22:00
Speaker
With the evil bag of dicks...
00:22:03
Speaker
We're taking it one step further.
00:22:05
Speaker
When someone clicks the play button, the bag of dicks jingle will not stop playing.
00:22:09
Speaker
Ever.
00:22:09
Speaker
While that's not entirely true, it will stop about three or four hours later when the batteries die.
00:22:13
Speaker
Mwahaha.
00:22:15
Speaker
Warning.
00:22:16
Speaker
If you send someone the evil bag of dicks, you very well could be starting a full-on prank war.
00:22:20
Speaker
Here's the question we got asked the most.
00:22:22
Speaker
Yes, it is 100% anonymous if you want it to be.
00:22:25
Speaker
No one will ever know you sent them a bag of dicks.
00:22:27
Speaker
That is, unless you tell them yourself.
00:22:29
Speaker
You must be 18 years or older.
00:22:30
Speaker
purchase product and you may not send this product on the website to anyone who is under 18 years old.
00:22:35
Speaker
Well, that escalated really quickly at the end.
00:22:37
Speaker
Yeah, they don't want to get liable for any of that, you know, weird shit.
00:22:42
Speaker
Okay, goddammit, now that I opened your stupid no-fucks coin and I don't give any fucks bag or all the fucks to give jar on Amazon, I'm getting all these fucking... Continue shopping with a coin that says, I get... Or heads, I get tail.
00:23:02
Speaker
And it's... And it's a coin with a lady on it with gigantic bazonkers.
00:23:13
Speaker
And on the back... And on the other side, it says tails I get head with the same lady bent over with her ass up in the air.
00:23:25
Speaker
I see no problem with this coin.
00:23:31
Speaker
Why is this coming up on my fucking Amazon now?
00:23:34
Speaker
Because I'm in a podcast with all men.
00:23:36
Speaker
No, it's because you gave a fuck.
00:23:40
Speaker
Okay, so I also just hit search on the D20 candy thing.
00:23:44
Speaker
I really want this metal D20 that instead of one just says fuck.
00:23:50
Speaker
Yeah, I've seen those.
00:23:54
Speaker
My buddy has one of those.
00:23:56
Speaker
And it's great.
00:23:58
Speaker
Ooh, Spider-Man collector 20-sided die.
00:24:03
Speaker
What?
00:24:04
Speaker
God, I love dice.
00:24:07
Speaker
How did we get here?
00:24:09
Speaker
So Ned's going to go pull the owl statues lever.
00:24:14
Speaker
Yo.
00:24:15
Speaker
Okay, so that's
Unwinding and Personal Updates
00:24:17
Speaker
the question.
00:24:17
Speaker
We're 25 minutes into this episode.
00:24:19
Speaker
Do we want to play tonight?
00:24:21
Speaker
Honestly, I would totally be okay with doing a nothing but intro because my brain is kind of fried and a little bit freaked out by the fact that
00:24:30
Speaker
We're going to be having a daughter on Monday.
00:24:32
Speaker
True.
00:24:35
Speaker
Monday, Monday.
00:24:37
Speaker
I feel like this would be a good unwind episode for everybody.
00:24:43
Speaker
I'm fine with that as long as everyone else is cool with it.
00:24:47
Speaker
Yeah, I got no qualms.
00:24:48
Speaker
I'm going back to Amazon.
00:24:49
Speaker
Yeah.
00:24:51
Speaker
Oh, no.
00:24:55
Speaker
Oh, my God.
00:24:56
Speaker
Basil's like, yes, yes, come back to me, child.
00:25:02
Speaker
Look up more dicks.
00:25:04
Speaker
Yes, buy the evil dick pack with 20 dicks.
00:25:12
Speaker
Wait, wait, wait.
00:25:13
Speaker
I just found, oh my god, I found the worst thing ever.
00:25:17
Speaker
Worst than the evil dicks?
00:25:19
Speaker
Oh yes, because if you type in just the word dicks into Amazon.
00:25:24
Speaker
That sounds like your first problem.
00:25:27
Speaker
Hold on.
00:25:28
Speaker
I found a book.
00:25:29
Speaker
It only comes in paperback, but this book is titled 8,000 Dick Picks.
00:25:33
Speaker
8,000 Pictures of Dicks.
00:25:34
Speaker
Oh no.
00:25:39
Speaker
Someone printed off 8,000 pictures of dicks and put it in a book.
00:25:43
Speaker
It is $7.
00:25:44
Speaker
If this isn't your white elephant gift for somebody somewhere this year, you fucked up.
00:25:50
Speaker
All right.
00:25:51
Speaker
So Melanie and Matt, which one of you is going to get it for the white elephant for your family this year?
00:25:57
Speaker
Not me.
00:25:59
Speaker
I'm just not going to respond to that.
00:26:02
Speaker
All right.
00:26:02
Speaker
It's going to be Matt.
00:26:04
Speaker
All right.
00:26:05
Speaker
So like put it in a box that's like two feet by three feet, like make it a huge fucking box and just fill it with confetti.
00:26:11
Speaker
Yeah.
00:26:12
Speaker
I can't wait for like a child to get it.
00:26:14
Speaker
Oh yeah, totally.
00:26:16
Speaker
With my luck, it'll be my son.
00:26:19
Speaker
I'll just walk out if that fucking happened.
00:26:22
Speaker
I would stare Jordan in the eyes as his son opened it.
00:26:26
Speaker
I don't want AJ to know I did that.
00:26:29
Speaker
I'm gone.
00:26:30
Speaker
You want to know what your Coco Matt did?
00:26:32
Speaker
No.
00:26:35
Speaker
My soul.
00:26:37
Speaker
So I'm just looking up different gag gifts on Amazon.
00:26:42
Speaker
And I typed in gag and accidentally hit search.
00:26:46
Speaker
Oh shit, I'm not muted.
00:26:47
Speaker
I'm sorry.
00:26:49
Speaker
I was wondering what was going on.
00:26:54
Speaker
Something on my desk I'm falling over.
00:27:00
Speaker
I'm so sorry.
00:27:00
Speaker
I thought I was muted.
00:27:03
Speaker
You're good.
00:27:14
Speaker
Nick, I need that as a sound bite, please.
00:27:24
Speaker
Oh, I just found a roll of stickers.
00:27:29
Speaker
I just found a roll of stickers that says for rectal use only.
00:27:32
Speaker
What the fuck?
00:27:35
Speaker
How did we get here?
00:27:36
Speaker
I don't know, but you can put it on a pineapple.
00:27:45
Speaker
I am so sorry, Brack.
00:27:47
Speaker
Go ahead.
00:27:48
Speaker
What were you saying before I so rudely son of a bitch interrupted you?
00:27:53
Speaker
I was just saying I accidentally just searched up gag instead of gag gift because I fat fingered it.
00:27:59
Speaker
First thing to pop up.
00:28:00
Speaker
Oh, no.
00:28:01
Speaker
It's a hand towel that's embroidered with the words cum rag on it.
00:28:06
Speaker
Oh, no.
00:28:10
Speaker
First thing on here.
00:28:12
Speaker
Wow.
00:28:14
Speaker
I just want to let you know, that's where I found this horse shit for rectal use only.
00:28:21
Speaker
I just typed in gag.
00:28:27
Speaker
Oh my god.
00:28:30
Speaker
I haven't laughed that hard in a while.
00:28:34
Speaker
You guys saw in the chat that Maloney said she'd be right back, right?
00:28:39
Speaker
I'm going on a snack run.
00:28:41
Speaker
For some reason, under gag, it's like at the very bottom of the page, is a $1,300 grill.
00:28:48
Speaker
What?
00:28:48
Speaker
What?
00:28:50
Speaker
That is Amazon, yes.
00:28:51
Speaker
The Kamado Joe, classic Joe 2 18-inch charcoal grill with cart and side shelves.
00:28:56
Speaker
It's in blaze red.
00:28:58
Speaker
What's the gag?
00:29:00
Speaker
There's no gag.
00:29:00
Speaker
How expensive it was?
00:29:02
Speaker
Yeah, no shit.
00:29:03
Speaker
$1,300 fucking dollars for a red egg.
00:29:08
Speaker
Okay, I have to say it.
00:29:09
Speaker
I actually have one of these gag gifts that's on here.
00:29:12
Speaker
The wife got it for me.
00:29:13
Speaker
I have the toilet timer.
00:29:17
Speaker
The toilet timer?
00:29:20
Speaker
Is this to time how long it takes you to take a shit because for some reason men take hour-long shits?
00:29:26
Speaker
Sure do.
00:29:27
Speaker
Yes, actually, that is specifically why she got it for me.
00:29:31
Speaker
She got really fed up with me taking too long.
00:29:33
Speaker
Why the fuck do you guys sit in there so long?
00:29:37
Speaker
It's peaceful.
00:29:38
Speaker
Take a shit.
00:29:39
Speaker
I was just about to say that's the first time we've had been able to sit down and be quiet like all day.
00:29:44
Speaker
Yeah, for real.
00:29:48
Speaker
Doesn't your ass hurt after a while?
00:29:52
Speaker
I mean, not when your legs go numb.
00:29:57
Speaker
That's fair.
00:29:59
Speaker
Then at that point, you wonder why we're in there so long.
00:30:02
Speaker
Our legs have gone numb.
00:30:04
Speaker
Then we're afraid to stand up.
00:30:05
Speaker
I'm going to turn into an epiphany toilet.
00:30:07
Speaker
You're face pointing into something else.
00:30:12
Speaker
You start thinking about your life when you're taking a shit.
00:30:16
Speaker
While we're talking about fun things that we found on Amazon, I found a paperback book for $6.53 called Fuck the Fuck Off, You Fucking Fuck Nugget Fucker.
00:30:29
Speaker
Oh.
00:30:30
Speaker
I'm glad we don't have to censor our podcast.
00:30:34
Speaker
No, this is going to be the one episode I do censor.
00:30:37
Speaker
That fucking...
00:30:43
Speaker
book title is going to be even more funny, which is I just found a book called How Not to Fart During Sex.
00:30:55
Speaker
What the fuck?
00:30:58
Speaker
I just found one that says How to Cope with a Massive Penis.
00:31:02
Speaker
Yeah, I found that too.
00:31:06
Speaker
This property is protected by Fuck Around and Find Out sign.
00:31:12
Speaker
I feel like we need that for our house because we're in the middle of nowhere.
00:31:15
Speaker
Someone's dying.
00:31:26
Speaker
Jordan.
00:31:27
Speaker
Breathe, man.
00:31:28
Speaker
Breathe.
00:31:29
Speaker
What did you find?
00:31:30
Speaker
I found a sign that says what?
00:31:33
Speaker
And I cannot stress this enough.
00:31:36
Speaker
The fuck?
00:31:38
Speaker
That sounds like you.
00:31:40
Speaker
Oh,
00:31:43
Speaker
I don't know.
00:31:43
Speaker
I found a pillow that says MILF.
00:31:45
Speaker
Man, I love fajitas.
00:31:49
Speaker
It's an amazing pillow.
00:31:50
Speaker
It's right above the Nancy Pelosi toilet paper.
00:31:54
Speaker
Of course.
00:31:54
Speaker
Because why not, right?
00:31:57
Speaker
Did you guys just search gag gifts on Amazon or something like that?
00:32:01
Speaker
I just searched the word fuck.
00:32:03
Speaker
I found another grill.
00:32:07
Speaker
I found the elusive blinker fluid.
00:32:10
Speaker
I got a rock.
00:32:13
Speaker
I got a jar of dirt.
00:32:15
Speaker
I got a jar of dirt.
00:32:17
Speaker
Oh, I said it out loud.
00:32:18
Speaker
It's going to pop up soon now.
00:32:20
Speaker
I found a bookmark that says, fuck off, I'm reading.
00:32:23
Speaker
Not funny.
00:32:29
Speaker
I found a super blow pop that's in the shape of a dick.
00:32:34
Speaker
That's most of them.
00:32:35
Speaker
Pass.
00:32:41
Speaker
Hey, I found the blinker fluid.
00:32:45
Speaker
Fucking expensive.
00:32:47
Speaker
I'm sure it's... Oh!
00:32:51
Speaker
Matt, I found you a Danny DeVito tank top.
00:32:54
Speaker
Oh, fantastic.
00:32:55
Speaker
I'm going to put it in the Zencaster chat so you can open it.
00:32:58
Speaker
Fantastic.
00:32:59
Speaker
Yeah, I got you.
00:33:01
Speaker
Everyone go look at this.
00:33:02
Speaker
Thanksgiving.
00:33:03
Speaker
You need to order it now.
00:33:05
Speaker
That's a monkey.
00:33:11
Speaker
I just... There's a notebook that says, look at you turning 16 and shit.
00:33:23
Speaker
Oh my god.
00:33:25
Speaker
Jordan, mute yourself when you fucking cough.
00:33:28
Speaker
I did.
00:33:29
Speaker
No, you didn't.
00:33:30
Speaker
We can see it spiked on the goddamn thing.
00:33:34
Speaker
Yeah, I didn't realize I was going to be coughing that hard.
00:33:36
Speaker
I muted halfway through.
00:33:37
Speaker
I found a...
00:33:39
Speaker
candle.
00:33:40
Speaker
It says, my last fuck.
00:33:42
Speaker
Oh, look, it's on fire.
00:33:47
Speaker
Oh my God.
00:33:48
Speaker
Your colonoscopy report results are in good news.
00:33:51
Speaker
They found your head.
00:34:00
Speaker
Okay, well, while this looking around on Amazon's fun and everything, and while I still completely endorse doing it, do we have any other topics we would like to speak about while we're here?
00:34:13
Speaker
Anything fun going on in life or anything like that?
00:34:22
Speaker
I want Spider-Man 2 to have New Game Plus.
00:34:25
Speaker
Is that qualified?
00:34:28
Speaker
I'm hearing that a lot and I hate you so much right now.
00:34:35
Speaker
Why?
00:34:35
Speaker
I was, I was trying to look up Danny DeVito socks and one of you guys said new game plus.
00:34:39
Speaker
So I typed in Danny DeVito plus.
00:34:43
Speaker
Oh no.
00:34:44
Speaker
What'd you get?
00:34:45
Speaker
I want to, I want to Danny DeVito new game plus looks like he's got all his gear.
00:34:51
Speaker
It's a whole lot of Disney Plus and his IMDB.
00:34:55
Speaker
And how much did Jersey Mike's pay Danny DeVito?
00:34:59
Speaker
How much did they pay him?
00:35:01
Speaker
I don't know.
00:35:01
Speaker
Let me find out.
00:35:03
Speaker
At least a couple hundred thousand dollars.
00:35:05
Speaker
And that's how they worded it.
00:35:07
Speaker
They worded it.
00:35:07
Speaker
That's weird.
00:35:09
Speaker
Danny DeVito and Jersey Mike's.
00:35:11
Speaker
It's likely that DeVito is ranking in at least a couple hundred thousand dollars.
00:35:17
Speaker
I found a tapestry that you can hang on your wall that looks like the window from the Krusty Krab with Squidward looking through it.
00:35:24
Speaker
I could use that.
00:35:28
Speaker
Ow!
00:35:29
Speaker
Arya!
00:35:30
Speaker
She's annoyed I'm doing the podcast.
00:35:33
Speaker
She's upset you're not rolling dice.
00:35:35
Speaker
Right?
00:35:36
Speaker
Hey, roll them so I can knock them off the table, asshole.
Swearing in Movies Debate
00:35:39
Speaker
Not these!
00:35:40
Speaker
Stop biting me.
00:35:42
Speaker
They're slippers, but they look like feet.
00:35:46
Speaker
Ugh.
00:35:48
Speaker
Oh, yep.
00:35:48
Speaker
I just found the 50,000 dick pics book.
00:35:53
Speaker
Wait, 50,000?
00:35:54
Speaker
Mine was only 8,000.
00:35:55
Speaker
You're getting deeper than I did.
00:35:56
Speaker
Oh, yeah.
00:35:57
Speaker
No, this is 50,000 pictures of dicks for $5.99.
00:36:02
Speaker
The one that I saw was dick pics in nature, and it was like a mushroom.
00:36:10
Speaker
Excellent.
00:36:10
Speaker
Dick pics in nature.
00:36:12
Speaker
Oh, there's a book for seven bucks, The Seven Laws of Ass Eating.
00:36:17
Speaker
All right, we're getting off the Amazon topic now.
00:36:20
Speaker
Yeah, let's go.
00:36:21
Speaker
Talking about ass eating and all that shit.
00:36:26
Speaker
Bezos is a dirty motherfucker.
00:36:29
Speaker
I found a sign.
00:36:32
Speaker
I was just saying I found one of those like wooden signs that you see at people's houses.
00:36:37
Speaker
Like one of them that you see like on a bookshelf or what have you.
00:36:42
Speaker
And it's got a knight on a horse.
00:36:44
Speaker
And it says, thou may ingest a satchel of Richards.
00:36:53
Speaker
I'm pretty sure that we got that shirt for Richard at some point.
00:36:58
Speaker
Okay, I've got a question for you.
00:37:01
Speaker
All of you.
00:37:03
Speaker
Oh.
00:37:05
Speaker
Amazon is closed.
00:37:06
Speaker
Amazon is closed.
00:37:08
Speaker
Yes.
00:37:08
Speaker
All right.
00:37:09
Speaker
I'll close Amazon too.
00:37:11
Speaker
Amazon is closed.
00:37:13
Speaker
Never had Amazon open.
00:37:17
Speaker
He's just been along for the ride.
00:37:19
Speaker
Yep.
00:37:20
Speaker
I got off Amazon when I hit the next button, like the fifth time.
00:37:23
Speaker
I was like, wait a minute.
00:37:24
Speaker
I'm not supposed to do that.
00:37:26
Speaker
What if you could go back in time?
00:37:29
Speaker
When would you travel to?
00:37:33
Speaker
Does it have to be in my lifetime or?
00:37:36
Speaker
If you could go back in time, when would you travel to?
00:37:42
Speaker
It's all going to smell.
00:37:45
Speaker
What?
00:37:46
Speaker
What?
00:37:47
Speaker
If you go in the past, if you go way in the past, it's all going to fucking smell.
00:37:51
Speaker
Okay.
00:37:54
Speaker
Can I go in the future?
00:37:55
Speaker
I'm not talking about your bowel movements, Matthew.
00:38:00
Speaker
I'm talking about if you could travel back in time, what time period would you travel back to?
00:38:11
Speaker
I want to give a sarcastic answer and be like, I'd go back to the time of the dinosaurs.
00:38:18
Speaker
But then I'd just fucking die.
00:38:19
Speaker
Why would that be a sarcastic answer?
00:38:20
Speaker
Because I would die.
00:38:23
Speaker
Then you could see dinosaurs and you could come back and be like, actually, all of us are wrong.
00:38:27
Speaker
You didn't say we could come back.
00:38:31
Speaker
Yeah, so am I able to just jump back and forth whenever I want?
00:38:35
Speaker
Sure, sure.
00:38:36
Speaker
Okay, then yeah.
00:38:37
Speaker
I'd like to see dinosaurs in real life.
00:38:39
Speaker
I'm just reading off the question I found that said, if you could travel back in time, when would you travel to?
00:38:49
Speaker
Jump back to the early 2000s.
00:38:52
Speaker
Only the early 2000s, huh?
00:38:55
Speaker
Yeah.
00:38:55
Speaker
I mean, anything before that would just suck.
00:38:59
Speaker
Damn.
00:38:59
Speaker
Damn.
00:39:00
Speaker
Wow.
00:39:01
Speaker
True.
00:39:01
Speaker
I don't know.
00:39:03
Speaker
The 90s were okay.
00:39:07
Speaker
Are you sure about that?
00:39:08
Speaker
No.
00:39:08
Speaker
You might even say the late 80s was okay, Nick.
00:39:12
Speaker
Shut up.
00:39:15
Speaker
You're not wrong.
00:39:18
Speaker
I mean, I was born, so it had to have been pretty good.
00:39:23
Speaker
I mean, yeah.
00:39:24
Speaker
Okay.
00:39:24
Speaker
I'll take that one.
00:39:27
Speaker
I'd go back to 2008.
00:39:27
Speaker
Okay.
00:39:31
Speaker
That's real specific.
00:39:32
Speaker
Oh, it's very specific.
00:39:33
Speaker
It's the year he graduated high school.
00:39:36
Speaker
It is.
00:39:36
Speaker
And it's also the year that I would go up to myself, grab myself by the shoulders, and say, buy the fucking Bitcoin, and then just disappear from sight.
00:39:46
Speaker
You took my idea.
00:39:47
Speaker
That's what I was going to say.
00:39:49
Speaker
No.
00:39:50
Speaker
I remember 2008, I had just gotten the job at UPS.
00:39:53
Speaker
I was getting steady paychecks that were actually of any sort of value for the first time.
00:39:57
Speaker
Bitcoin was just becoming a fucking thing, like hearing about it and whatnot.
00:40:02
Speaker
And I remember the first time that I saw that shit, it was like 0.00000065 cents per Bitcoin.
00:40:10
Speaker
Oh my God.
00:40:12
Speaker
Yeah.
00:40:13
Speaker
Are you fucking high?
00:40:14
Speaker
Buy all of it.
00:40:15
Speaker
Spend your entire paycheck on that.
00:40:17
Speaker
I promise you in 10 years, no more work.
00:40:20
Speaker
No more work for you.
00:40:22
Speaker
I mean, no one believes that.
00:40:24
Speaker
You don't have to do nothing.
00:40:25
Speaker
You more rich than Donald Trump, you motherfucker.
00:40:30
Speaker
If I'm going to do something like that, I'll go back and buy Tesla stocks.
00:40:32
Speaker
And then right before Elon makes his really bad decisions, just sell everything.
00:40:38
Speaker
Just get rid of it all.
00:40:39
Speaker
Dump it.
00:40:40
Speaker
Isn't this what the villain in Back to the Future was going to do with all the bettings and sports bettings?
00:40:46
Speaker
Yes, but he went too far.
00:40:48
Speaker
Are we all biff?
00:40:49
Speaker
He went too far.
00:40:51
Speaker
Just get the money and then just chill the fuck out.
00:40:54
Speaker
Just go live in Bora Bora and don't do a damn thing the rest of your life.
00:40:57
Speaker
Neither do your next five generations.
00:41:00
Speaker
They're cool.
00:41:01
Speaker
Are you saying he biffed it?
00:41:03
Speaker
Ha!
00:41:07
Speaker
Bora Bora.
00:41:08
Speaker
What do you mean Bora Bora?
00:41:11
Speaker
I'm going to go to Germany and buy a castle.
00:41:13
Speaker
Fuck you guys.
00:41:14
Speaker
I'm going to go to the Philippines.
00:41:18
Speaker
You're going to have to expand on that one there, bud.
00:41:21
Speaker
I have a co-worker at work who's from the Philippines, and she was showing me pictures from...
00:41:33
Speaker
back home and it's just a beautiful place.
00:41:36
Speaker
It's a place I'd like to actually see.
00:41:37
Speaker
Have you ever heard of Balut?
00:41:41
Speaker
Nope.
00:41:41
Speaker
What?
00:41:42
Speaker
Something they've eaten there.
00:41:46
Speaker
It's kind of disgusting.
00:41:49
Speaker
To be fair, no matter where you go in the world, every culture's got something that everyone else thinks is disgusting.
00:41:55
Speaker
I only know about it because of the podcast, the Bad Friends, they have...
00:42:01
Speaker
Someone that was, one of the co-workers was from there, and they talked about Balut and how much they loved it.
00:42:07
Speaker
They ate it on the show.
Farm-Fresh Egg Concerns
00:42:09
Speaker
And it's an egg.
00:42:10
Speaker
It's like a chicken egg.
00:42:15
Speaker
Okay.
00:42:16
Speaker
We've got another thing for you guys.
00:42:17
Speaker
I have one.
00:42:18
Speaker
Okay, hurry up.
00:42:22
Speaker
But I was going to ask Matt, what about the egg?
00:42:25
Speaker
Like, what makes it bad that it's an egg?
00:42:27
Speaker
Oh, it's basically a chicken that's about to, you know, hatch that they basically turn into food.
00:42:34
Speaker
Yeah, yeah.
00:42:35
Speaker
So when you open it, it's like, hello, I could have been alive.
00:42:40
Speaker
And then you're like, breakfast.
00:42:44
Speaker
Exactly.
00:42:45
Speaker
That's honestly like one of my worst nightmares when it comes to eating eggs.
00:42:49
Speaker
I love farm fresh eggs, and I'm so happy that your grandma shares them with me.
00:42:53
Speaker
And I would love chickens someday, but knowing that there's a rooster in your grandmother's coop scares the shit out of me.
00:43:03
Speaker
I don't think there is anymore, though.
00:43:05
Speaker
I think the rooster died.
00:43:06
Speaker
I think it's all hens now.
00:43:08
Speaker
Is it?
00:43:08
Speaker
Well, beforehand, when there was a rooster, I was always afraid that I would end up cracking one open and there'd be a partially developed rooster.
00:43:15
Speaker
chicken fetus and i probably would have swore off eggs for the rest of my life yeah that would be horrific i'm gonna be honest it's as bad as you think it is i did have that happen to me oh we had chickens and a rooster yeah it wasn't great yeah if i ever have chickens i will never have a rooster i don't want fertilized eggs nope
00:43:41
Speaker
Nope, I would rather just go to Farm and Fleet and buy more on chick days or whatever.
00:43:46
Speaker
Yeah.
00:43:48
Speaker
Okay.
00:43:49
Speaker
Melanie gave me this prompt on Halloween, or a day or two before Halloween.
00:43:53
Speaker
But I think it's a fun one here.
00:43:55
Speaker
Yes.
00:43:57
Speaker
You have been given the express opportunity to add the word fuck to one Disney or Pixar movie.
00:44:08
Speaker
What movie and where are you adding it?
00:44:20
Speaker
Well, since I've had time to think of mine, I will tell you what mine is now.
00:44:25
Speaker
In The Lion King, when Scar is throwing Mufasa off the cliff and he says, long live the king, instead of long live the king, he would say, long live the fucking king.
00:44:37
Speaker
And then... There you go.
00:44:40
Speaker
I got one.
00:44:41
Speaker
What?
00:44:42
Speaker
For a toy story when he's yelling at Buzz, he's like, you are a fucking toy!
00:44:51
Speaker
That's funny.
00:44:51
Speaker
That was actually my first answer.
00:44:57
Speaker
But I think I have a better one.
00:45:00
Speaker
Oh?
00:45:01
Speaker
Yes.
00:45:02
Speaker
And this one's actually going to hit home close to you, Matt.
00:45:06
Speaker
The beginning of a bug's life.
00:45:09
Speaker
When they have the big rock full of the offering for the grasshoppers and flick throws down his machine and it's still sitting there shaking and then it flips and it knocks the rock and the whole offering goes into the water and flicks just sitting there.
00:45:26
Speaker
No, no, no, no, no.
00:45:28
Speaker
Instead of that first odd, just fuck.
00:45:32
Speaker
Oh, that's good.
00:45:33
Speaker
That was good.
00:45:35
Speaker
I'm sitting here thinking like I don't, this is like having only one fuck to give left.
00:45:41
Speaker
Exactly.
00:45:43
Speaker
I need to make sure I put my fuck in the proper place.
00:45:48
Speaker
So weird.
00:45:49
Speaker
It's a weird way to say that.
00:45:51
Speaker
It's the proper way to say that.
00:45:54
Speaker
Hmm.
00:45:59
Speaker
I'm sitting here going through like Big Hero 6 and Monsters, Inc.
00:46:02
Speaker
and whatnot.
00:46:03
Speaker
Huh.
00:46:05
Speaker
Put that fucking thing back where you came from, or so help me.
00:46:09
Speaker
So help me.
00:46:12
Speaker
It doesn't have to be Pixar.
00:46:15
Speaker
It can be.
00:46:15
Speaker
No, wait.
00:46:16
Speaker
That's it.
00:46:16
Speaker
Matt gave it to me, but in a different spot.
00:46:20
Speaker
Put that thing back where it came from, or so fuck me.
00:46:23
Speaker
What?
00:46:28
Speaker
I'm going with that.
00:46:29
Speaker
I'm good with that.
00:46:29
Speaker
He's the bard.
00:46:31
Speaker
See, another one I thought of is 10,000 years can give you such a fucking crick in the neck.
00:46:40
Speaker
I would have paid money to hear Robin Williams say that.
00:46:44
Speaker
Yeah.
00:46:44
Speaker
The outtakes.
00:46:45
Speaker
Oh, I'm sure he did too.
00:46:47
Speaker
He was a dirty motherfucker.
00:46:49
Speaker
Now that you're back, you can also hear.
00:46:51
Speaker
Yeah.
00:46:51
Speaker
He went burb.
00:46:52
Speaker
Now he went burb.
00:46:53
Speaker
Now he's back.
00:46:54
Speaker
Since you're back now, you can also hear the prompt.
00:46:58
Speaker
I heard the prompt.
00:46:59
Speaker
Oh, okay.
00:47:00
Speaker
Then where the fuck you putting it?
00:47:03
Speaker
I am also putting it in Monsters, Inc., but I'm giving it to the old lady that always talks to Mike Wazowski and is like, where's your fucking paperwork, Mike Wazowski?
00:47:13
Speaker
Fucking Mike Wazowski.
00:47:14
Speaker
I'm watching you, Wazowski.
00:47:17
Speaker
Always fucking watching.
00:47:29
Speaker
Oh, I don't want the Emperor's Groove.
00:47:33
Speaker
You threw off the Emperor's fucking groove.
00:47:38
Speaker
Wrong fucking lever, Kronk!
00:47:40
Speaker
Why do we even have that fucking lever?
00:47:45
Speaker
I do have to say that is my favorite movie of all time.
00:47:47
Speaker
Emperor's New Groove is so good.
00:47:49
Speaker
Hi, Ari!
00:47:51
Speaker
I'm upset because I was going to play a Kronk sound effect in this next episode if we would have played because it's all about pulling fucking levers.
00:47:58
Speaker
Oh,
00:48:01
Speaker
I'll keep that up your sleeve for the next time.
00:48:04
Speaker
I was thinking about it since Monday, goddammit.
00:48:07
Speaker
I'm just driving around work and I'm like, all right, which lever are we going to pull next?
00:48:11
Speaker
Pull the lever, Kronk!
00:48:13
Speaker
Pull the lever!
00:48:17
Speaker
Okay, y'all.
00:48:18
Speaker
Have you seen those Am I the Asshole videos on TikTok?
00:48:23
Speaker
Yes.
00:48:23
Speaker
Oh, yeah.
00:48:24
Speaker
Okay, so I found one and I want to read it to you.
00:48:27
Speaker
And I want you to tell me if you think this person's an asshole or not.
00:48:32
Speaker
The title is, Am I the Asshole for Telling My Parents They Should Ease Up on Treating My Sister-in-Law Like This Isn't Her First Pregnancy.
00:48:42
Speaker
My brother Jake is married to my sister-in-law Sam.
00:48:44
Speaker
Jake has two kids with his ex Ella, 11, and Micah, 9.
00:48:50
Speaker
They divorced when Micah was four months old and his ex passed away three years ago, which is when Sam met the kids.
00:48:58
Speaker
The kids have not taken to Sam.
00:49:01
Speaker
They're okay with her, but in no way do they treat her like she's their parent, and they also don't really treat her like a close family member.
00:49:10
Speaker
Sam accepts that the kids are set... Are the set...
00:49:15
Speaker
Hang on.
00:49:16
Speaker
Sam accepts that the kids set the tone of the relationship and she does her best to encourage a bond between her and them while not forcing it.
00:49:26
Speaker
I think she's really great at walking the line, but my parents have essentially decided she's now the kid's mom and they have the same expectations they would for someone who has been there since conception.
00:49:45
Speaker
This has really come through now that Sam is pregnant.
00:49:49
Speaker
She is scared.
00:49:50
Speaker
She is worried about the delivery and the, and having a newborn.
00:49:55
Speaker
And she also worries that the kids and about the kids and how they will respond to a new half sibling.
00:50:02
Speaker
My parents are always telling her she can, she can do it.
00:50:05
Speaker
And she has all the experience she needs and can see how close Ella and Micah are.
00:50:11
Speaker
And she shouldn't be worried about their reaction to the baby.
00:50:15
Speaker
because they will love him or her as much as they love each other.
00:50:21
Speaker
They, uh, they brought, they're brought up seeing her, seeing her commit that this was her.
00:50:31
Speaker
I can't talk all of a sudden.
00:50:35
Speaker
They brought up seeing her comment that this was her first time.
00:50:39
Speaker
And they told her that it's not true.
00:50:42
Speaker
She was, she's already had two kids.
00:50:44
Speaker
Um,
00:50:45
Speaker
The comment was about being pregnant and that she seemed, and they seemed to brush over it.
00:50:51
Speaker
I saw Sam and she was alone and asked her, and I asked her how she was doing.
00:50:57
Speaker
She admitted she was struggling and she was trying to drown out all the stuff my parents say.
00:51:03
Speaker
But since she doesn't have her own support network, her family, her family put a mess, puts mess in messy.
00:51:14
Speaker
My parents are around so much it's hard.
00:51:18
Speaker
She said she doesn't feel like she can be honest, that she's a bit lost and feels totally unprepared and worries about her abilities as a mom.
00:51:29
Speaker
She said they are so convinced she's already a mom, but while she does all the practical stuff, they don't rely on her for stuff all the way, or rely on her stuff the way a baby will likely do.
00:51:44
Speaker
I confronted, I comforted, comforted, my God, I need to go to bed.
00:51:49
Speaker
Yeah.
00:51:53
Speaker
I comforted her to the best of my abilities.
00:51:57
Speaker
Then I went and spoke to my parents and told them they need to ease up on Sam and treating her like this isn't her first pregnancy.
00:52:05
Speaker
I told them, well, yes, she's there and doing a lot, participating in the duties for Ella and Micah.
00:52:12
Speaker
They were both in school and when she met them,
00:52:16
Speaker
She had never been pregnant.
00:52:18
Speaker
I also pointed out that they do not regard her as their mom, and the more they push that on them, the more harm it could do to the relationship with the kids.
00:52:36
Speaker
My parents told me
00:52:38
Speaker
It was terrible.
00:52:40
Speaker
It was a terrible mindset to have.
00:52:41
Speaker
And blood is not what makes a family and blood does not make you a parent.
00:52:48
Speaker
They said they are helping Sam and she will be glad for their advice later down the road because it does no good to dwell on the first pregnancy when she is a mom.
00:52:59
Speaker
They were so offended and told me later that I was making things worse.
00:53:05
Speaker
Am I the asshole?
00:53:11
Speaker
Yes.
00:53:15
Speaker
She's the daughter is an asshole for standing up for her sister-in-law.
00:53:19
Speaker
Yep.
00:53:20
Speaker
How?
00:53:24
Speaker
I don't know.
00:53:26
Speaker
I'm just going with this.
00:53:29
Speaker
That was a lot.
00:53:31
Speaker
Yeah, that was a lot to process.
00:53:35
Speaker
I would say no.
00:53:36
Speaker
She is not an asshole for standing up for her sister-in-law.
00:53:40
Speaker
I think the parents are being assholes because they're putting this preconceived notion that Sam is Ella and Micah's mom.
00:53:54
Speaker
But the question was, am I the asshole?
00:53:59
Speaker
And everybody is an asshole.
00:54:04
Speaker
Jordan.
00:54:07
Speaker
Jordan had that answer cooked in his brain as soon as you said, hey, guys.
00:54:15
Speaker
Listen to this.
00:54:15
Speaker
He's like, oh, we're not an asshole.
00:54:18
Speaker
All right.
00:54:18
Speaker
Have you heard of the Am I the Asshole videos?
00:54:22
Speaker
Yes, you're the asshole.
00:54:24
Speaker
Yep, I've had it cooked since then.
00:54:27
Speaker
So no, you haven't heard of the asshole videos then.
00:54:31
Speaker
Melanie, I did a stitch with one.
00:54:34
Speaker
That's not what I'm talking about.
00:54:35
Speaker
I'm talking about when people read Am I the Asshole stories off of Reddit.
00:54:38
Speaker
Like I just did.
00:54:43
Speaker
It was, okay.
00:54:45
Speaker
He understood.
00:54:46
Speaker
He knows where it is.
00:54:47
Speaker
Yeah, the TikTokers read him off of Reddit.
00:54:50
Speaker
He just mentally had a comment ready.
00:54:53
Speaker
He was like, all right, once we get through this Reddit post, I don't know what my smart ass is going to say.
00:54:59
Speaker
It's because Jordan thinks everyone's an asshole.
00:55:03
Speaker
I don't think
Am I the Asshole Story
00:55:04
Speaker
she's an asshole.
00:55:04
Speaker
I think it's very brave of her to stand up to her parents about it.
00:55:10
Speaker
I think some very helicopter parents think they know everything.
00:55:14
Speaker
I was just about to say, the parents are very narcissistic in that.
00:55:18
Speaker
Yeah.
00:55:18
Speaker
Like you can tell your daughter-in-law is having a hard time being the second wife and is also never, and being pregnant for the first time.
00:55:32
Speaker
And then to sit there and say, well, you've already had kids, so it shouldn't be a problem.
00:55:37
Speaker
Well, I have kids that my significant other had from another marriage.
00:55:42
Speaker
Yes.
00:55:43
Speaker
Yes.
00:55:44
Speaker
This is my first time carrying.
00:55:46
Speaker
Sorry, go ahead.
00:55:46
Speaker
I was just going to say, it's not even the fact that she has other kids she takes care of.
00:55:50
Speaker
It's the fact that she's never been pregnant before.
00:55:53
Speaker
Right.
00:55:54
Speaker
Right.
00:55:57
Speaker
Pregnancy is... I feel like growing another person is probably a little different.
00:56:01
Speaker
Than parenting to... Yeah.
00:56:04
Speaker
Than most anything else in the world.
00:56:05
Speaker
Almost teenage children.
00:56:06
Speaker
Yeah.
00:56:07
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:56:09
Speaker
Yeah, I'm just going to go with pretty much anything else in the world.
00:56:12
Speaker
So, and if that was the parents, obviously one of them is the mother because, I mean, six million people have all been born from a woman at some point.
00:56:20
Speaker
So that mother obviously understands that or should.
00:56:24
Speaker
Should.
00:56:25
Speaker
Should is the key word.
Shower Thoughts Reflection
00:56:29
Speaker
Speaking of Reddit, have you guys heard of Shower Thoughts?
00:56:33
Speaker
I have.
00:56:34
Speaker
I have.
00:56:36
Speaker
Shower Thoughts fuck me up.
00:56:39
Speaker
I have a couple here that I want to read you and see what you think here.
00:56:45
Speaker
Let's see.
00:56:46
Speaker
Let's start with there hasn't been a single murder free day in all of recorded history.
00:56:53
Speaker
That sounds about right.
00:56:56
Speaker
I buy that.
00:56:58
Speaker
Dads fall asleep while watching TV.
00:57:01
Speaker
Wait, wait, what about before humans?
00:57:05
Speaker
Recorded history was stated.
00:57:07
Speaker
Yeah, I said recorded history.
00:57:10
Speaker
Okay.
00:57:11
Speaker
That and animals.
00:57:12
Speaker
I missed that part.
00:57:15
Speaker
But it's not murder then.
00:57:17
Speaker
Murder is a concept that humans made up.
00:57:21
Speaker
True.
00:57:22
Speaker
Shut up.
00:57:23
Speaker
I did say recorded.
00:57:25
Speaker
I did say recorded.
00:57:26
Speaker
Dad, you did.
00:57:27
Speaker
I missed that part.
00:57:29
Speaker
That's alright.
00:57:30
Speaker
Dads fall asleep while watching TV because sitting comfortably around a flickering light source with your mate and offspring checks about 90% of the contentment boxes of the caveman brain.
00:57:42
Speaker
Fact.
00:57:44
Speaker
Nailed it.
00:57:45
Speaker
Yeah.
00:57:48
Speaker
Alright, you ready for the disturbing one?
00:57:49
Speaker
Always.
00:57:52
Speaker
Cats have sex doggy style.
00:57:55
Speaker
Ugh.
00:57:57
Speaker
I've thought that before.
00:57:58
Speaker
Okay.
00:57:58
Speaker
Weird.
00:57:59
Speaker
Here's the thing.
00:58:00
Speaker
Why is it coined doggy style when all animals mate that way that are not human?
00:58:08
Speaker
Because you see dogs do it more than anything?
00:58:10
Speaker
That is not fucking true.
00:58:12
Speaker
Isn't there like a marsupial, like something related to the koala that doesn't missionary?
00:58:18
Speaker
You guys know so many sex positions for animals.
00:58:24
Speaker
Matt, you go Google it for me because I don't want to be put on a list.
00:58:27
Speaker
Don't act like you've already searched that.
00:58:31
Speaker
Hey, did you know that koalas do missionary?
00:58:36
Speaker
Crazy.
00:58:37
Speaker
I didn't watch the video at all.
00:58:41
Speaker
Gross.
00:58:43
Speaker
You guys ready for another disturbing one?
00:58:47
Speaker
Shirt.
00:58:48
Speaker
you can, with 100% accuracy, differentiate the smell of armpit sweat, foot sweat, and genital sweat.
00:58:58
Speaker
What is this?
00:58:59
Speaker
I mean, that's super true.
00:59:02
Speaker
This is just shower thoughts, man.
00:59:04
Speaker
These are things you think about in the shower.
00:59:06
Speaker
I don't think about that in the shower.
00:59:08
Speaker
No.
00:59:08
Speaker
Jordan, you're not allowed to say the next one.
00:59:10
Speaker
I'm doing the next one.
00:59:13
Speaker
Instinctually, your tongue knows what everything you're looking at would feel like.
00:59:20
Speaker
it i have heard that before yeah like if you look at something and you you can your tongue would know what it feels like you already know just look at it like i don't feel like i have never licked my pop filter but i know what it would feel like i licked my pop filter just now
00:59:44
Speaker
I was just about to say, you guys, this just makes me want to lick everything just to make sure I'm accurate, right?
00:59:49
Speaker
And that proves that you are a man.
00:59:53
Speaker
A woman wouldn't have the impulse to do it, typically.
00:59:56
Speaker
I just fucking said that I licked my pop filter.
01:00:00
Speaker
But here's the thing.
01:00:02
Speaker
Melanie, that's the one thing right in front of your face that's right there.
01:00:05
Speaker
So that makes sense.
01:00:06
Speaker
But I can guarantee right now, Breck has got shifty eyes and he's like, I know what that curtain would feel like.
01:00:11
Speaker
I know what that board would feel like.
01:00:13
Speaker
Bro, do you have a camera in my house?
01:00:16
Speaker
I said Breck and not Matt.
01:00:18
Speaker
I know, I know.
01:00:19
Speaker
I know you said Breck, but still.
01:00:21
Speaker
You forgot to turn off your webcam, Matt.
01:00:23
Speaker
Shit.
01:00:27
Speaker
Here's a funny one.
01:00:29
Speaker
The object of golf is to literally play the least amount of golf.
01:00:37
Speaker
Have you ever played 18-hole golf?
01:00:40
Speaker
There's a reason for that.
01:00:43
Speaker
There's a reason the original rules meant you took a shot every hole.
01:00:47
Speaker
Yeah.
01:00:47
Speaker
I was about to say, you will want to play as little golf as possible so you can drink as much as you can.
01:00:53
Speaker
Fact.
01:00:54
Speaker
As fast as you can.
01:00:55
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
01:00:57
Speaker
If it's one shot per hole.
01:00:59
Speaker
While driving around on an electric cart.
01:01:04
Speaker
I understand, though.
01:01:06
Speaker
I love golf.
01:01:07
Speaker
Golf's fun.
01:01:10
Speaker
It is what it is.
01:01:12
Speaker
literally conveys zero information.
01:01:18
Speaker
Yep.
01:01:20
Speaker
Yep.
01:01:22
Speaker
That's the point.
01:01:26
Speaker
I could have just come back with it is what it is to that statement.
01:01:29
Speaker
So yeah.
01:01:32
Speaker
I say it to one of my coworkers all the time because fuck him.
01:01:37
Speaker
Your most common phrase at work is I want to go home.
01:01:41
Speaker
Yeah, that's true.
01:01:43
Speaker
I get that.
01:01:44
Speaker
It is what it is.
01:01:51
Speaker
I have one more shower thought and then we can move on to a different topic.
01:01:58
Speaker
Ooh.
01:02:00
Speaker
Sounds like you found another.
01:02:02
Speaker
I have two of them.
01:02:04
Speaker
It's not okay to eat food that's been left out all night for breakfast unless it's pizza.
01:02:14
Speaker
I'm going to be, I'm a hot take.
01:02:16
Speaker
You are so wrong for that.
01:02:21
Speaker
You should not be good.
01:02:23
Speaker
Expand?
01:02:24
Speaker
No.
01:02:25
Speaker
My wife, okay, my wife does that.
01:02:28
Speaker
And do you know how bad it is to let pizza sit out and then eat it?
01:02:32
Speaker
I'm not saying I agree with it.
01:02:36
Speaker
These aren't Jordan's shower takes.
01:02:37
Speaker
He's looking at a list.
01:02:38
Speaker
I promise you, these aren't his actual thoughts.
01:02:40
Speaker
I'm looking at r slash shower thoughts right now and just reading ones I find interesting.
01:02:45
Speaker
I know, but there's a lot of people to do that.
01:02:48
Speaker
I will say that.
01:02:48
Speaker
There's a lot of people to do that.
01:02:50
Speaker
But I know enough about science and medical science and stuff to know that is the worst thing you could possibly do.
Food Safety Debate
01:02:59
Speaker
Yeah, that's fair.
01:03:01
Speaker
It's also the most delicious thing.
01:03:04
Speaker
Alright, I'm gonna leave you guys on a sad one.
01:03:09
Speaker
Needing to move is when it hits somebody that they don't have any friends.
01:03:16
Speaker
Hey, no, that hits me like every night when I'm trying to go to bed, so you're wrong.
01:03:22
Speaker
Bitch, you have a group chat with four of us.
01:03:28
Speaker
And I have started sending you TikToks.
01:03:32
Speaker
So we are officially friends, Brick.
01:03:35
Speaker
That's all I'm saying.
01:03:37
Speaker
I know.
01:03:37
Speaker
I appreciate it.
01:03:39
Speaker
I sent you probably seven or eight Five Nights at Freddy's ones today.
01:03:42
Speaker
Oh, my God.
01:03:43
Speaker
Oh, I know.
01:03:44
Speaker
It's been so good.
01:03:47
Speaker
Yeah, I've noticed that, Jordan.
01:03:51
Speaker
Eventually, I do catch up, but my God, man, you spam a lot of TikToks.
01:03:59
Speaker
Dude, you want to talk about someone that spams a lot of TikToks?
01:04:04
Speaker
She had to walk away because our sun is up.
01:04:07
Speaker
I will go...
01:04:09
Speaker
two or three days without opening the TikTok app.
01:04:13
Speaker
And when I do, Melanie, 99 plus.
01:04:18
Speaker
Oh my God.
01:04:19
Speaker
And I'm just like, cool.
01:04:22
Speaker
There goes fucking three hours.
01:04:25
Speaker
And I watched them all at least halfway through.
01:04:28
Speaker
Yeah.
01:04:30
Speaker
Uh, it's not TikTok, but my wife does that for Facebook and I just, I don't use Facebook enough to ever catch up to that.
01:04:37
Speaker
You really don't.
01:04:40
Speaker
I don't like Facebook for a number of reasons.
01:04:45
Speaker
The main one is, is that it's my actual real name and I don't want to interact with people who know my actual real name outside of like this group and like a handful of other people.
01:04:55
Speaker
So what you're saying is it's like the Aragon books.
01:05:01
Speaker
We know your real name, so we have power over you.
01:05:05
Speaker
Yeah, basically.
01:05:06
Speaker
Okay, I was just going to make sure Breck is your real name, right?
01:05:10
Speaker
Yeah.
01:05:12
Speaker
As far as you know.
01:05:12
Speaker
I'm going to say that was not very convincing.
01:05:17
Speaker
Legally, it now is.
01:05:20
Speaker
Okay.
01:05:23
Speaker
No, it's always been my real name.
01:05:27
Speaker
Now I'm really questioning your persuade.
01:05:33
Speaker
No, you need to roll insight is what you need to roll.
01:05:36
Speaker
I'm talking Delta green.
01:05:37
Speaker
There ain't no fucking insight in Delta green.
01:05:40
Speaker
I'm talking D and D. Roll fucking insight.
01:05:42
Speaker
Hold on.
01:05:43
Speaker
I'll get my goddamn D20.
01:05:45
Speaker
If you're talking, sorry.
01:05:48
Speaker
If you're talking Delta green, it's a human.
01:05:52
Speaker
All right, so here's the thing.
01:05:54
Speaker
I pulled out my D20.
01:05:55
Speaker
I will point my fucking microphone down.
01:05:57
Speaker
Jordan, you're the DM.
01:05:58
Speaker
What's my modifier for my insight check?
01:06:02
Speaker
You're not supposed to yawn.
01:06:05
Speaker
You're supposed to sound excited.
01:06:07
Speaker
Stop it.
01:06:10
Speaker
I can lie to you with absolutely zero issues, so I'm going to say you get a plus one to your insight.
01:06:16
Speaker
Yeah, I'll deal with that.
01:06:18
Speaker
Wait a minute.
01:06:20
Speaker
Dude, I rolled a two.
01:06:21
Speaker
You're fine.
01:06:25
Speaker
Okay, that's good to know.
01:06:26
Speaker
But you could Lido with no problem and you gave him a plus one.
01:06:33
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, he would have to at least have a 12 in charisma for that, or wisdom.
01:06:39
Speaker
So you can Lido with no problem, but he's actually good at that.
01:06:47
Speaker
I don't see 12 being a good stat, but okay.
01:06:51
Speaker
I see your point.
01:06:53
Speaker
Okay.
01:06:54
Speaker
Okay.
01:06:54
Speaker
Like, get understand.
01:06:55
Speaker
I also rolled a two.
01:06:58
Speaker
Man, you're harshing my vibe.
01:07:01
Speaker
My charisma.
01:07:03
Speaker
My chorizo is bad.
01:07:07
Speaker
It's not bad.
01:07:08
Speaker
It's that like in D&D terms, we're all commoners.
01:07:10
Speaker
We all have a 10.
01:07:11
Speaker
We all get a plus zero or less.
01:07:14
Speaker
I would say, actually, I think most commoners are like an eight.
01:07:17
Speaker
Is it eight?
01:07:18
Speaker
I don't do.
01:07:19
Speaker
Okay, fine.
01:07:20
Speaker
Nick, you get a negative one, so you get one.
01:07:22
Speaker
You suck.
01:07:23
Speaker
So do I get to roll an advantage?
01:07:25
Speaker
No.
01:07:26
Speaker
Disadvantage?
01:07:27
Speaker
Aim for the one?
01:07:29
Speaker
Sure.
01:07:29
Speaker
You know what?
01:07:30
Speaker
Disadvantage.
01:07:30
Speaker
Aim for the one.
01:07:31
Speaker
I didn't get the one.
01:07:32
Speaker
Okay.
01:07:37
Speaker
Did you see the one TikTok that I sent you, Breck?
01:07:40
Speaker
That was the, that's why I love Nestle Crunch.
01:07:45
Speaker
Oh, God, yes.
01:07:49
Speaker
Oh, that one made me so happy.
01:07:52
Speaker
I'm going to be honest.
01:07:53
Speaker
I liked the Five Nights at Freddy's movie.
01:07:56
Speaker
I'm kind of sad they didn't use the whole bite thing for part of it.
01:08:03
Speaker
I mean, they kind of did when they, spoilers, bit the chicken half.
01:08:11
Speaker
I'll never watch it, so no spoilers.
01:08:14
Speaker
That's, I guess.
01:08:15
Speaker
So that was a bite?
01:08:18
Speaker
I'm 87.
01:08:20
Speaker
I guess, but like, if you're going that route, then the crying child should be a puddle of blood on the floor, not a traumatized child having nightmares.
01:08:29
Speaker
True.
01:08:32
Speaker
Did you guys see that Melanie had to step away for the rest of the episode?
01:08:35
Speaker
Oh, bye, Melanie.
01:08:38
Speaker
Good night.
01:08:40
Speaker
I hope AJ's okay.
01:08:42
Speaker
Yeah.
01:08:43
Speaker
He's having a rough night.
01:08:44
Speaker
That's going to get...
01:08:46
Speaker
Even worse once the daughter comes.
01:08:50
Speaker
Yeah, yeah.
01:08:51
Speaker
You're not going to get sleep.
01:08:53
Speaker
I wish you guys luck.
01:08:54
Speaker
Thanks.
01:08:56
Speaker
I wonder if we can buy them luck off of Amazon.
01:09:00
Speaker
A jar of luck.
01:09:02
Speaker
A jar of luck.
01:09:03
Speaker
I'm going back to Amazon right now.
01:09:05
Speaker
I'm pretty sure only Bezos is allowed to buy that.
01:09:09
Speaker
But that would mean he's also allowed to sell it.
01:09:12
Speaker
It's true.
01:09:13
Speaker
I went to Amazon.com and it took me straight to this monkey tank top.
01:09:20
Speaker
It's a sign.
01:09:23
Speaker
There's Just My Luck with Lindsay Lohan.
01:09:28
Speaker
There's Pure Luck, which is another movie.
01:09:31
Speaker
There's Luck by Daisy Allen, which is a, I'm guessing, free Kindle book because it's $0 Kindle Unlimited.
01:09:40
Speaker
um there is a four leaf clover pocket token uh good luck chuck with jessica alba and dane cook good movie um good luck coins uh the luck of the irish which is a basketball game for some reason or a basketball movie can i pause you for a second sure you ran out of funny three things ago
01:10:06
Speaker
None of these are funny anyway.
01:10:08
Speaker
I just typed in luck and this is what I got.
01:10:10
Speaker
I can't buy luck on Amazon.
01:10:12
Speaker
No, that was funny.
01:10:18
Speaker
Amazon has everything.
01:10:19
Speaker
Did you know Amazon's logo, you know how it has the arrow underneath that's supposed to look like a smiley face?
01:10:27
Speaker
Did you know the arrow goes from the A in Amazon to the Z in Amazon because their thing is we have everything A to Z.
01:10:35
Speaker
Yeah.
01:10:37
Speaker
I didn't know that one.
01:10:40
Speaker
It's fucking stupid.
01:10:42
Speaker
It's marketing, baby.
01:10:44
Speaker
Are you upset that you didn't think about it first?
01:10:47
Speaker
No.
01:10:49
Speaker
I work for a competitor to Amazon, so Amazon can go jump off a fucking cliff.
Delivery Chain Insight
01:10:55
Speaker
You kind of work for a competitor of Amazon.
01:11:01
Speaker
We all for our own services.
01:11:03
Speaker
We deliver Amazon's shit that they're too lazy to deliver themselves.
01:11:07
Speaker
Yeah, so they pay us to deliver it, which is another reason that they can go jump off a cliff.
01:11:12
Speaker
Man, that's how I felt when I worked at UPS.
01:11:14
Speaker
We delivered the postal services stuff because they couldn't handle it.
01:11:19
Speaker
Which is funny.
01:11:20
Speaker
Sounds like it's a big chain of overflow.
01:11:26
Speaker
100% is just a big chain of overflow.
01:11:28
Speaker
And not even a chain, because we deliver UPS's stuff that they can't handle.
01:11:33
Speaker
Exactly.
01:11:34
Speaker
No, that's what I mean.
01:11:35
Speaker
This is just a roundabout way of like, hey, how can I make money off you and you make money off of me and then we'll just live in our money.
01:11:42
Speaker
Yeah, it's totally an Ouroboros.
01:11:46
Speaker
So what you're saying is it's a circle jerk.
01:11:50
Speaker
Well, it's three of them, so it's a triangle.
01:11:52
Speaker
Okay.
01:11:53
Speaker
Is that a triple Dutch rudder?
01:11:57
Speaker
What the fuck did I walk back into?
Closing Laughter and Inside Jokes
01:11:59
Speaker
Hey, welcome back.
01:12:01
Speaker
Thanks.
01:12:03
Speaker
What?
01:12:03
Speaker
Things have gone off the rails.
01:12:05
Speaker
I'm hearing that.
01:12:07
Speaker
Have you ever heard of a double Dutch rudder?
01:12:10
Speaker
I don't want to.
01:12:11
Speaker
No, I haven't.
01:12:13
Speaker
Matt, have you?
01:12:14
Speaker
No, I don't want to learn.
01:12:16
Speaker
Breck?
01:12:18
Speaker
I have an idea, but I'm not sure.
01:12:20
Speaker
I'll just keep my mouth shut because those who know, they know, and they're laughing right now.
01:12:28
Speaker
So you said that and I happened to accidentally click on Pinterest on my phone.
01:12:32
Speaker
I thought you were going to say you googled it.
01:12:34
Speaker
No, no.
01:12:35
Speaker
First thing to pop up is literally a meme of like, really?
01:12:38
Speaker
Right in front of my tendies?
01:12:40
Speaker
It says chicken tenders.
01:12:46
Speaker
Excellent.
01:12:47
Speaker
I'm tired.
01:12:52
Speaker
Yeah, same.
01:12:54
Speaker
I was tired.
01:12:54
Speaker
I'm tired.
01:12:57
Speaker
Alright, as much as we're joking around, as much as I say I'm the host, and I say when we're ending, that is going to be the end of this episode, guys.
01:13:07
Speaker
We went off the rails hard, but if you made... I didn't go on Amazon once!
01:13:19
Speaker
You did play, though.
01:13:20
Speaker
You played along.
01:13:21
Speaker
I did play along.
01:13:22
Speaker
You did play along.
01:13:24
Speaker
Um...
01:13:25
Speaker
If you made it this far into the episode.
01:13:28
Speaker
God bless you.
01:13:29
Speaker
Thank you.
01:13:31
Speaker
Thank you very much.
01:13:32
Speaker
And I'm sorry.
01:13:35
Speaker
Please pray for us.
01:13:37
Speaker
Don't worry, we'll be back in two weeks with your regularly scheduled Let's Play Pretend episode.
01:13:44
Speaker
But full disclosure, this is the last episode that we're recording before a break.
01:13:50
Speaker
Obviously, you guys are going to be hearing this way in the future, and we are going to be back to recording by the time you guys hear this.
01:13:57
Speaker
Hopefully.
01:13:58
Speaker
Oh, I'm sure.
01:14:00
Speaker
If this is going to drop in sequential order, yeah, we'll be back to recording before this one drops.
01:14:09
Speaker
But since this is the last one before Melanie and I take a little bit of time off for paternity leave and, you know, we all take time off for that.
01:14:19
Speaker
Um, so that way Melanie and I can get our feet underneath us.
01:14:23
Speaker
Um, we just need something fun to do.
01:14:28
Speaker
So thank you guys for sticking around.
01:14:30
Speaker
Thank you for joining us.
01:14:31
Speaker
And, uh, yeah, we'll see you guys in two weeks.
01:14:35
Speaker
Bye.
01:14:36
Speaker
Bye.
01:14:37
Speaker
Bye.
01:14:38
Speaker
Bye guys.