Transcript
Speaker: Let's Play Pretend is an explicit podcast with subject matter that may be disturbing to some listeners.
Speaker: Content warnings can be found in the episode description.
Speaker: Cody's laughing, so it's good.
Speaker: I'm Jenkins, here to do this verse?
Speaker: I don't know how to do this.
Speaker: My producers wish me to try something new, so here I am and here I go.
Speaker: Three, two, one.
Speaker: Well, hello everybody, you can call me Jenkins.
Speaker: Follow these kids, they need protection.
Speaker: In the in-between, the fucking nuttiest shit that you've ever seen.
Speaker: Should've stayed home, kids are on vacation Made a mistake, soon they'll be shaking Jump up with BJ on the mic And you might want to fight these kids in your sight Welcome to the D-Bag Crew Here to tell you failed schools I slant rhyme all the time Can't believe I eat cheese balls all the time
Speaker: I'm still alive.
Speaker: Let's get to the story.
Speaker: I feel boring.
Speaker: I'll see you in two weeks.
Speaker: Don't sweat the wet on your cheeks.
Speaker: Like, comment, subscribe.
Speaker: Maybe you'll see me.
Speaker: Hello everybody and welcome back to Let's Play Pretend.
Speaker: I am Jordan Derringer and I am your DMGM Keeper Handler Host.
Speaker: And... You know, I don't have a good way to introduce this without giving it away, so instead I'm just gonna say I have with me Mr. Nick Barnett.
Speaker: I'm actually Nick Barnett tonight.
Speaker: This is a nice change of pace.
Speaker: Isn't it though?
Speaker: Do you have a fun Nick fact?
Speaker: A fun Nick fact.
Speaker: Oh, let's see.
Speaker: Tomorrow morning I get to rip up some carpet in the hallway.
Speaker: Oh, nice.
Speaker: That's going to be fun.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: No.
Speaker: No, not at all.
Speaker: No, not even a little.
Speaker: That sounds like absolutely nothing that I would want to do with my day off.
Speaker: But it is a fact.
Speaker: It is indeed a fact.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I also have with me Mr. Breck Black.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah, this feels real weird.
Speaker: I don't know if I like being me right now.
Speaker: And Mr. Matt Check.
Speaker: Aloha.
Speaker: That's really weird hearing you not do Arthur's voice.
Speaker: I can do it in Arthur's voice if you want.
Speaker: Aloha.
Speaker: There we go.
Speaker: Now it feels like an intro.
Speaker: And Mrs. Melanie Derringer.
Speaker: Hi, I have a fun fact.
Speaker: What's your fun fact, Melanie?
Speaker: I have been on this earth for 32 years and I am just now finding out there is an extra little flap on your pillowcase to tuck it in.
Speaker: So your pillow doesn't fall out.
Speaker: Yep.
Speaker: Welcome to the higher levels beings club there, Mel.
Speaker: We all knew that for a long time.
Speaker: Is it seriously common knowledge and I just didn't know it?
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: What the fuck?
Speaker: No, it's not.
Speaker: You know what?
Speaker: I am a fan of small victories because I learned new weird dumb crap I should have known my whole life every day.
Speaker: Dude, you should have seen it though.
Speaker: You should have fucking seen it, though, because we were just chit-chatting, just hanging out before we started recording.
Speaker: And my pillowcase was starting to fall off, so I picked it up, fluffed it up, put the flap over it.
Speaker: And Melanie looks at me and she goes, what the fuck did you just do?
Speaker: I'm like, what do you mean?
Speaker: She goes, why are you tucking in your pillow like that?
Speaker: Why you tucking in your pillow freak?
Speaker: And I was like what?
Speaker: What the real question is why is Melanie bullying?
Speaker: All right, she likes to the hallway.
Speaker: Hey, what up nerd?
Speaker: Why you talking your fucking pillow?
Speaker: You pussy is that what she's done?
Speaker: Welcome to being married my dude All right, so The reason we are actually here today is
Speaker: is we are starting a new mini arc.
Speaker: We just hit the end of a big arc.
Speaker: We just hit the end of a big arc for our characters in the podcast.
Speaker: And we decided, well, I decided, they just, you know.
Speaker: He's forcing us.
Speaker: Yeah, everyone else is just kind of along for the ride.
Speaker: I decided we were going to take a break from that and we were going to do something else still in universe.
Speaker: It's still going to have an effect on the story and it's just going to be away from our characters for a little bit.
Speaker: We are just going to do a quick little side story and then go back to the world of horror and terror and evil and all that that we just left.
Speaker: So...
Speaker: That being said, I'm going to apologize to my players and to our listeners.
Speaker: You should.
Speaker: Because we, well, we have an order.
Speaker: It's always Nick Breck, Matt, Melanie, because I do it.
Speaker: Just in case anybody didn't catch on to this at this point, I do it alphabetically by last name.
Speaker: Yeah, we all definitely knew that.
Speaker: Yeah, sure.
Speaker: I'm going to change it up.
Speaker: The first person that is going to introduce their character for this mini-arc is going to be Matt.
Speaker: That's what I fucking thought.
Speaker: Well, there's a reason.
Speaker: Okay, but what's the reason, Todd?
Speaker: Matt, let's see if we can figure it out.
Speaker: Yeah, introduce your character, Matt.
Speaker: What's up, guys?
Speaker: My name's Kevin Jacques Boy.
Speaker: I'm a football superstar and military brat.
Speaker: And, uh...
Speaker: Why is Kevin Jacques boy so important?
Speaker: Because I'm the quarterback, bro.
Speaker: The fuck you talking about?
Speaker: Oh, yeah.
Speaker: I also got my nuts kicked by a fucking nerd.
Speaker: So Matt is playing the jock that cut him in line in the first episode.
Speaker: So we thought that would be a fun little throwback for this mini session or this little mini arc here.
Speaker: So that being said, we know Matt's character.
Speaker: We will go back in order here.
Speaker: Mr. Nick Barnett, who are you playing?
Speaker: Yo, what's up, guys?
Speaker: My name is Jason, Jason Murtoch.
Speaker: You gotta remember that name.
Speaker: Me?
Speaker: I help the football team.
Speaker: I'm there.
Speaker: I make sure that they got everything that they could ever need to make sure that they succeed.
Speaker: Water sucks.
Speaker: It really, really sucks.
Speaker: I ain't the water boy.
Speaker: I know y'all been saying that for a while, but I ain't the water boy.
Speaker: I'm a cheerleader.
Speaker: I hype them boys up.
Speaker: I hype them all up.
Speaker: I keep everybody happy.
Speaker: Get that crowd pumping.
Speaker: Go Lightning Hawks.
Speaker: Can I get your name one more time?
Speaker: I already said it once.
Speaker: Jason.
Speaker: Jason Murtoch.
Speaker: Jason Murtoch.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: I need to keep my notes here.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: That's cool.
Speaker: Party, bro.
Speaker: All right.
Speaker: And Mr. Breck Black.
Speaker: That is a dash high water to you.
Speaker: I be a captain of the hockey team.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Captain of the
Speaker: Hockey team.
Speaker: Did you have any other fun stuff to say?
Speaker: Well, just that all of you are beneath me and you should all know better.
Speaker: So if any of you try to talk to me, I will be putting you in your place.
Speaker: Oh, okay.
Speaker: See how that goes when you're top of the keg, nerd.
Speaker: I will end you.
Speaker: I would have a bra...
Speaker: I love this mini arc.
Speaker: And Mrs. Melanie Derringer.
Speaker: It's Courtney Highcrest.
Speaker: Get it right.
Speaker: Courtney Highcrest.
Speaker: So we have Dash Highwater and Courtney Highcrest.
Speaker: All right.
Speaker: Dope, dope, dope.
Speaker: Okay, perfect.
Speaker: And the setting here is something that you wouldn't think that this group of teens would be doing.
Speaker: Now, for... I mean, that's... I'm not role-playing a gangbang here and just throwing that out there.
Speaker: You might.
Speaker: We can't roll orgies.
Speaker: Roll for orgy.
Speaker: I'll go back to that.
Speaker: I don't want to get water on my nose.
Speaker: Who wants to earn their explicit tag?
Speaker: I was just trying to say, we have the explicit tag.
Speaker: I think we earn the explicit tag every episode.
Speaker: We're rated NC17.
Speaker: I'm going to throw this out here because... Dude, just toss it out there.
Speaker: I feel like this is a disclaimer I have to put out there because, hey, guess what?
Speaker: We are playing 18 year olds.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Guess what it's not legal to do when you're 18 drinking.
Speaker: Kill someone.
Speaker: No, I mean, that's not legal at all.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: There's even going in the army.
Speaker: This mini arc will probably have to do with underage people doing illegal things.
Speaker: Obviously, that is not something that we condone.
Speaker: It is, you know, storytelling purposes.
Speaker: It's just, it's going to happen.
Speaker: So just know that's not something that we are, you know, putting our seal of approval on.
Speaker: Do not condone underage drinking and or the use of drugs.
Speaker: That being said,
Speaker: We find our group here.
Speaker: They don't give no fucks.
Speaker: In a situation that you wouldn't think that they would be in.
Speaker: Let's go back a little bit.
Speaker: We are in the real world again.
Speaker: And we are with our characters.
Speaker: So I want you guys to, I know we just made these new characters.
Speaker: I want you guys to envision your characters again.
Speaker: And this is before Chris died.
Speaker: There was a big thing that Ryan said he wanted to do that summer.
Speaker: Do you remember what that was?
Speaker: Going to the lake.
Speaker: A specific lake.
Speaker: Lake Erie.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: So we see our teens.
Speaker: We see Ryan and Ned and Samantha and Arthur and Ashley in a car.
Speaker: And they're talking and having a good time.
Speaker: They just got done with this camping trip and they're driving down the highway.
Speaker: And at a certain point, the car freezes, absolutely freezes mid motion.
Speaker: Everyone's laughing, everyone's having a good time.
Speaker: Our camera is going to pan over to another car going the opposite way on the highway towards Lake Erie.
Speaker: And this is where our new characters come into play.
Speaker: Your four characters that you are playing for this little mini campaign here are going to Lake Erie for a camping trip.
Speaker: Or I guess I should say a glamping trip because, I mean, let's be real.
Speaker: You guys got a cabin and you're going up there to drink and to have a good time and do things that 18-year-olds should not be doing.
Speaker: That is the setting for our mini arc here.
Speaker: Can we roleplay the car ride up there?
Speaker: You can 100% roleplay the car ride up there.
Speaker: Cool.
Speaker: I'm going to smack Kevin in the back of the head because I'm sitting behind him in the car and I just...
Speaker: Bro, bro, look, look.
Speaker: Isn't that that nerd's car?
Speaker: What was his name, Ryan?
Speaker: As he slaps the back of my head, he makes me spill one of my keystones, bro.
Speaker: Oh my god.
Speaker: Dude, fuck your water beer.
Speaker: Look over there.
Speaker: Isn't that his car?
Speaker: Look, look, look.
Speaker: Flip him the bird.
Speaker: Everybody flip him the bird.
Speaker: T-Water, check this out.
Speaker: Throw the fucking beer at his windshield.
Speaker: I don't know if I'm going to be able to get through this arc.
Speaker: Because I'm role-playing basically my bullies, and I don't know how I feel about that.
Speaker: That's like jackasses.
Speaker: What would that be?
Speaker: I want you to roll.
Speaker: There's not like a throw.
Speaker: Unarmed combat.
Speaker: Athletics.
Speaker: Yeah, do athletics.
Speaker: Throw in athletics.
Speaker: Nice.
Speaker: 36 out of 50.
Speaker: So you throw the beer out the window.
Speaker: Now was this?
Speaker: Yeah, the beer that you had.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: You throw your beer out the window and it 100% hits Ryan's windshield.
Speaker: When it happens, they go, nerd!
Speaker: Just to pull out of this real quick.
Speaker: Breck, what is Ryan thinking in this moment?
Speaker: All he's trying to think is, do I remember where that guy lives?
Speaker: Shit.
Speaker: Where does he live again?
Speaker: God, I need to figure out where he lives.
Speaker: Because someone's going to end up with three flat tires.
Speaker: Only three.
Speaker: Man, I almost wish it would have cracked your windshield.
Speaker: If it would have cracked your windshield a little bit more, then you could have gotten the insurance and all that shit involved.
Speaker: I mean, yeah, but like, fuck that.
Speaker: I just want to cut his fucking tires up.
Speaker: I love it, guys.
Speaker: Three minutes in, you guys genuinely hate Kevin.
Speaker: I love it.
Speaker: I didn't do a thing, man.
Speaker: I didn't see a thing.
Speaker: I didn't hear a thing about it.
Speaker: And I put my AirPods back in.
Speaker: And we go back to the other car.
Speaker: So you guys are heading up.
Speaker: You did notice Ryan's car with everybody else in it.
Speaker: Threw the beer at him.
Speaker: Is there anything else you guys want to roleplay on your way up?
Speaker: Yeah, this is successful, bro.
Speaker: Courtney's just sitting in the back smacking her gum while she's listening to her music.
Speaker: Dash is going to turn to Kevin and be like, that was a pretty good throw.
Speaker: Hell yeah, bro.
Speaker: There's a reason you're the quarterback.
Speaker: Hell yeah.
Speaker: Got this wicked arm.
Speaker: You want to keep stoned, bro?
Speaker: I would rather eat the can than drink that piss water.
Speaker: I mean, guess if you're hungry, man.
Speaker: I knew it.
Speaker: That's why I invited this guy.
Speaker: I knew Dash was cool.
Speaker: Thank you, sir.
Speaker: Keystone, bad beer.
Speaker: We're going to get something better when we're up there.
Speaker: I got this new fakie.
Speaker: It's fucking cheap, so you know what?
Speaker: You can get more.
Speaker: Or you could just, you know, pay for actual alcohol.
Speaker: He just keeps drinking.
Speaker: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Speaker: I want you all to roll a disguise for me.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: First of all, I didn't get any of my actual dice out.
Speaker: So now you're making me find out.
Speaker: I didn't think we were actually going to be rolling anything except for stats tonight.
Speaker: Well, surprise, motherfucker.
Speaker: Surprise, motherfucker.
Speaker: The D10 looks like a D8, but it's ribbed for her pleasure.
Speaker: All rise, motherfucker.
Speaker: Small fries, motherfucker.
Speaker: Who dies, motherfucker?
Speaker: Oh, now I'm sad.
Speaker: Spoilers.
Speaker: I got 97.
Speaker: Oh, shit.
Speaker: Out of 10.
Speaker: 32 out of 50.
Speaker: A 7 out of 10.
Speaker: Wow.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: 81 out of 10.
Speaker: Okay, so Courtney and Kevin, your fake IDs fucking suck.
Speaker: So you are definitely not going to be the ones buying beer for this trip.
Speaker: Kevin, couldn't you have gotten us like better IDs or something like that?
Speaker: God.
Speaker: I thought I could draw my picture better than my own picture.
Speaker: I don't know why I'm going to accept it.
Speaker: This looks like a 12 year old drew it.
Speaker: It took me four hours.
Speaker: Four hours?
Speaker: Seriously?
Speaker: Yo, Dash, appreciate you, man.
Speaker: I knew that you was going to be able to find the good hookup to get these good IDs.
Speaker: Thanks, bro.
Speaker: Of course.
Speaker: Can't be getting caught with fake IDs.
Speaker: That would be preposterous.
Speaker: Thank God we're the ones in charge of buying the alcohol.
Speaker: Make sure you get some vodka.
Speaker: horse.
Speaker: Oh, man.
Speaker: Do none of you have good taste in alcohol?
Speaker: Jeez.
Speaker: Sorry, we don't all drink hoity-toity drinks.
Speaker: No, I'm curious.
Speaker: What's Dash's idea of good alcohol?
Speaker: Whiskey.
Speaker: Ghostbogger.
Speaker: Gross.
Speaker: It'd either be that or Jägermeister.
Speaker: Ugh.
Speaker: Ugh.
Speaker: Sorry, Lily, did I offend you?
Speaker: I have expected you to be like, yeah, obviously it's Bud.
Speaker: Of course.
Speaker: I had to say the Jägermeister because I personally like Black Licorice and I love Jägermeister.
Speaker: You're a disgusting person.
Speaker: That is gross.
Speaker: That is the reaction I get from absolutely everybody.
Speaker: You're a monster!
Speaker: Not the gumdrop button!
Speaker: God damn it, Jordan!
Speaker: What?
Speaker: I didn't do anything!
Speaker: No!
Speaker: Because now I have in my head, everybody has a Shrek quote that they say.
Speaker: I asked Melanie the other day, I was like, hey, what Shrek quote?
Speaker: What Shrek line?
Speaker: lives rent-free in your head and that you'll just randomly say out loud because everybody has one.
Speaker: And she's like, uh, I don't.
Speaker: I'm like, uh, you're a liar and you'll figure it out eventually.
Speaker: Well, and I did figure it out.
Speaker: Go on.
Speaker: It's an in the morning.
Speaker: I'll make a waffles.
Speaker: Mine is how about cake?
Speaker: Everybody loves cake.
Speaker: That's a good one.
Speaker: Mine is, because, you know, being a mailman, I see a bunch of rocks.
Speaker: Mine is, I like that boulder.
Speaker: That is a nice boulder.
Speaker: Not the gumdrop button.
Speaker: Some of you may die.
Speaker: Well, that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
Speaker: Oh, man.
Speaker: Okay, now that we've had our Shrek moment.
Speaker: Welcome to Shrek Talk.
Speaker: Shrek Talk 2023.
Speaker: Get Shrek.
Speaker: Done.
Speaker: Done.
Speaker: Done.
Speaker: Here we go.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: So you guys are heading up to the lake.
Speaker: You pull off at the next gas station, fill up the car, buy some beer.
Speaker: You're able to do it with no issues.
Speaker: Like I said, just, you know, not Kevin and Courtney.
Speaker: Get all the alcohol that you want and you are on your way to the cabin.
Speaker: When you guys get there,
Speaker: it is just getting to be about dusk.
Speaker: It's a good thing that, you know, you don't have to set up a tent because it would be getting to the point where it's almost hard to see.
Speaker: Bro, somebody turn on the lights.
Speaker: Like, turn the car lights on.
Speaker: I thought you were driving.
Speaker: I thought Dash was driving.
Speaker: Kevin starts looking for her.
Speaker: Like, oh, fuck, I'm driving?
Speaker: I'm like setting Keith stones in.
Speaker: I was going to say, Matt, give me a constitution throw.
Speaker: I almost have a buzz.
Speaker: Six out of 75.
Speaker: Yeah, you're not even fucking buzzed at all.
Speaker: Yeah, because it's Keystone.
Speaker: It's water.
Speaker: We just lost a sponsor.
Speaker: Oh, no.
Speaker: I don't want to be sponsored by Keystone.
Speaker: Me either.
Speaker: What a fucking travesty.
Speaker: So we found out Kevin's driving and forgot to turn the lights on.
Speaker: So go ahead and continue that.
Speaker: Come on, bro.
Speaker: Just turn the headlights on.
Speaker: We'll get all of our stuff in there and then we can get back out here and you can shut your car off.
Speaker: I do one better, bro.
Speaker: I turn the brights on.
Speaker: Now I can see even better.
Speaker: Oh,
Speaker: I love this so fucking much.
Speaker: How is there not some witty retort from Dash?
Speaker: Dash is just staring ahead and acting like he didn't hear anything because he doesn't want to lose any more brain cells.
Speaker: So are we getting out and heading to the cabin or are we all just gonna sleep in the car like barbarians?
Speaker: I'm not sleeping in the car.
Speaker: I'm going to find the biggest bed in there and it's mine.
Speaker: Excuse me, I will be having the master bedroom.
Speaker: Who do you think you are?
Speaker: She just looks him up and down and goes, I'm the only female on this trip.
Speaker: So yeah, I'm getting the biggest bedroom.
Speaker: And just because you have a vagina thinks you entitle yourself to more space.
Speaker: Yeah, because my balls are bigger than yours.
Speaker: I hate myself right now, guys.
Speaker: I hate myself.
Speaker: I love everything about this.
Speaker: I am so happy that this is happening.
Speaker: Look, look, guys.
Speaker: Nice one, bro.
Speaker: Kevin, how long are we here for, bro?
Speaker: I mean, that's like a really philosophical question.
Speaker: Like, how long are we really here for?
Speaker: Hold on.
Speaker: Hold on.
Speaker: If you really think about it.
Speaker: Kevin.
Speaker: What's up?
Speaker: Just go ahead.
Speaker: Hang on.
Speaker: No, no.
Speaker: Hang on.
Speaker: Matt, give me an alertness check.
Speaker: Uh oh, that's not good.
Speaker: 87 out of 50.
Speaker: You don't even fucking hear that he's calling your name.
Speaker: You just are so into this.
Speaker: It's like we're like one with the universe and the universe is one.
Speaker: And we're just on one small marble in space on a candy bar nebula, bro.
Speaker: I'm going to put my hands on his shoulders because I'm still in the back seat right behind him.
Speaker: Kevin, Kevin, hey.
Speaker: I turn around so I'm not looking forward anymore.
Speaker: I'm like, what's up?
Speaker: Yeah, there you go.
Speaker: There you go.
Speaker: All right, bro.
Speaker: I need you to take the cooler.
Speaker: Get that cooler inside, man.
Speaker: You're the strongest one of us, right?
Speaker: Get that cooler in there.
Speaker: Do I need to roll up or persuade the dummy to take the shit inside?
Speaker: Oh, yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, it should go inside for sure.
Speaker: Yeah, you're the strongest one here, right?
Speaker: Yeah, yeah.
Speaker: Oh, yeah.
Speaker: All right, bro, get that thing in there.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: He grabs the thing.
Speaker: He grabs the cooler.
Speaker: It's like, yeah, I am as I walk by.
Speaker: Are you grabbing the cooler like a normal person?
Speaker: No.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: That's exactly what I thought.
Speaker: Strength check.
Speaker: He does it like one arm, so that way he can drink his keystone with his other arm, bro.
Speaker: Oh, strength check and then dexterity check, then.
Speaker: So 43 out of 85 for strength check.
Speaker: Okay, you can definitely pick it up.
Speaker: Can you keep it under your arm?
Speaker: And 45 out of 70 for death.
Speaker: Okay, perfect.
Speaker: You are able to just one arm scoop it and take it inside.
Speaker: As Kevin does that, Dash turns to everyone, goes, dibs, and takes off for the cabin as fast as he can to get to the master bedroom.
Speaker: Courtney's on his heels.
Speaker: Ooh, okay.
Speaker: Let's roll opposed athletics.
Speaker: Can I argue dexterity?
Speaker: My dexterity's pretty high, too, so... Yeah, we can do opposed dex instead.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Oh, shit.
Speaker: I'm dropping dice.
Speaker: That is a 79 on a 90.
Speaker: Where's my dexterity?
Speaker: Oh, my dexterity is up at the top.
Speaker: There it is.
Speaker: How the hell you got a 90 in anything?
Speaker: I had an 18.
Speaker: Damn.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Well, that's a 2 on a 75.
Speaker: Okay, so you thought you were right on his heels, but...
Speaker: When you pulled up to the cabin, Kevin kind of parked it in like a gravelly area and you just eat shit on the gravel.
Speaker: It's fine.
Speaker: And Dash gets the master bedroom.
Speaker: Just you wait, pretty boy.
Speaker: I just slowly get out of the car.
Speaker: The beer's gonna be there no matter what.
Speaker: Fuck, there ain't no rush.
Speaker: And I just saunter in.
Speaker: Okay, so we've got Kevin taking the cooler.
Speaker: We've got Dash and Courtney trying to race for the master bedroom and Courtney failing hard.
Speaker: And we have Jason just strutting in.
Speaker: That's what I do.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: So you guys all make it inside.
Speaker: I'm just picturing Kevin with the cooler up on his shoulder.
Speaker: Like a boombox.
Speaker: Precisely, bro.
Speaker: Yeah, like a 90s boombox.
Speaker: Just up on the shoulder, pounding another keystone.
Speaker: I'm glad I'm not the only one that's out of that.
Speaker: I'll get drunk one of these beers.
Speaker: Just slams the can on the counter and just kind of dismissively puts the cooler down on the counter as well.
Speaker: Courtney, you walk in.
Speaker: You are...
Speaker: Rubbing your knee from where you slipped and fell onto the gravel.
Speaker: It wasn't like sharp gravel, so you didn't cut up your legs or anything, but definitely didn't feel good going down.
Speaker: Dash, you already have your bag on the master bed by the time Courtney even gets in the house.
Speaker: You've already got clothes unpacked, all that kind of stuff.
Speaker: You have made that your room before she had a chance to even fight.
Speaker: Jason, you're just kind of walking in.
Speaker: surveying the scene in front of you.
Speaker: I'm just going to plop my ass on the couch.
Speaker: Throw my feet up on the table.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: What was it that you were about to say before I kept talking, Brick?
Speaker: Oh, nothing.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: So you guys walk in, you get settled in.
Speaker: I mean, it looks like a cabin.
Speaker: You guys have all been out camping before, I'm sure.
Speaker: Yeah, nothing goes wrong with a cabin in the woods, bro.
Speaker: Yeah, exactly.
Speaker: All I'm thinking about right now is until dawn.
Speaker: That's actually kind of the exact cabin I was thinking of.
Speaker: Okay, cool.
Speaker: Kind of nice open floor plan with a couple bedrooms and all that.
Speaker: Yep, that's exactly what I was thinking of.
Speaker: I was thinking the same thing and hoping I was wrong.
Speaker: You are very correct.
Speaker: Yeah, no, that makes me worried.
Speaker: But don't worry.
Speaker: I'm not going to sit here and copy the plot of Until Dawn.
Speaker: That would be lazy of me.
Speaker: I have my own horrors in store for you guys.
Speaker: That was what I was afraid of.
Speaker: Broadcast voice.
Speaker: But for now...
Speaker: This episode of Let's Play Pretend is sponsored by Dubby Energy.
Speaker: Dubby Energy is a mix-at-home energy drink produced in the USA that is formulated to give you focus and energy with no jitters or crash.
Speaker: With no calories, no sugar...
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Speaker: Dubby Energy, an energy drink that you mix at home.
Speaker: No jitters, no crash.
Speaker: How about we find out where everyone's gonna sleep?
Speaker: Man, I planted my ass down.
Speaker: I'm sleeping on this couch.
Speaker: Courtney is just going to walk up to the master bedroom and just plop her stuff on the bed as well.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Is there a lazy boy bar?
Speaker: Go ahead, Matt.
Speaker: Yeah, there's an armchair, yeah.
Speaker: Nice.
Speaker: He pops a squat and just opens another can.
Speaker: He's like, there we go.
Speaker: Now it's a party.
Speaker: Let's resolve this scene in the master bedroom.
Speaker: I'm very interested in how this is going to play out.
Speaker: Excuse me, what do you think you're doing?
Speaker: Courtney just folds her arms and she like blows a bubble with her gum and then it pops and goes, I told you I was taking this bedroom whether you liked it or not.
Speaker: So you can leave.
Speaker: My stuff is already put away and folded very neatly.
Speaker: I'd hate to wrinkle anything.
Speaker: So you'll be taking your bag.
Speaker: That's not happening.
Speaker: I will say the master bedroom does have a king-size bed.
Speaker: There will be no shenanigans.
Speaker: God.
Speaker: I'm not saying there has to be shenanigans.
Speaker: I'm just saying you could both sleep in the bed and not touch each other.
Speaker: That was the best sentence I've heard in a long time.
Speaker: Dude, that's the best part about a king-size bed is like I can sleep next to the person I love and not fucking touch you because you're a fucking furnace.
Speaker: Yeah, don't touch me.
Speaker: I'm only sleeping with a sheet right now because that's how freaking hot I am all the time right now.
Speaker: Anywho, Courtney just again smacks her gum, opens her bag, pulls out a towel, walks directly past Dash into the bathroom, turns around and kind of gives him a smile, closes the door and locks it so she can go take a bath.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Dash just... I was going to say, what's your reaction to that?
Speaker: Just shrugs, kind of smirks to himself and starts stripping down to his boxers to get into bed.
Speaker: I was hoping you were going to say butt naked and we're going to pull out the whole Dean pudding scene, but you fucking didn't.
Speaker: No, I gotta save that for when he's drunk.
Speaker: Don't give away my secrets.
Speaker: Not only that, you went to the bathroom and locked the door.
Speaker: He doesn't know how long you're gonna be in there.
Speaker: He's not just gonna stand there naked like, this is gonna be great in 45 minutes.
Speaker: Men are patient for a pecker joke.
Speaker: That's very true, too.
Speaker: It's very true.
Speaker: But no, Dash strips down to his silken boxers and just climbs into his... Silken boxers?
Speaker: This hoity-toity is the nerd of the group, huh?
Speaker: Oh, no.
Speaker: Spoiler alert, he's dumb as fuck.
Speaker: But, uh... No, he strips down to his silken boxers and climbs into bed on top of the covers and just kind of sits there, one leg crossed over the other, hands behind his head, just waits.
Speaker: He's patient.
Speaker: He's patient.
Speaker: I was going to say, I did say that when you guys got here, it was just turning dusk.
Speaker: So the night is still young.
Speaker: He knows.
Speaker: Okay, perfect.
Speaker: Courtney wants to go take a bath in the jacuzzi tub, so... Oh my god, I love this.
Speaker: Okay, so while Courtney is taking a bath and Dash is patiently waiting...
Speaker: What are Kevin and Jason doing?
Speaker: Party!
Speaker: And a shotgun and a beer.
Speaker: Hey, bro, when you're done with that, toss me one.
Speaker: Oh, yeah, here you go.
Speaker: All right, cool.
Speaker: I catch a beer he throws at me, I guess.
Speaker: Athletics.
Speaker: Or dexterity.
Speaker: Athletics or dex.
Speaker: I'll roll on dex.
Speaker: 25 on 85.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: What kind of beer did he throw me?
Speaker: He didn't buy the beer.
Speaker: I bought the beer.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: I don't know a beer.
Speaker: He tossed me a rolling rock.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Thanks, man.
Speaker: Get a pride, bro.
Speaker: Let's just get fucked up.
Speaker: Yeah, if you say so.
Speaker: Man, it's hard not to go into the southern thing.
Speaker: Give me a second.
Speaker: I get in this chair and I sit right here and I'm like, okay, time to be Ned again.
Speaker: That's why I'm in a completely different register.
Speaker: Say I talk like this about this, bro.
Speaker: Yeah, I know.
Speaker: Alright, hold on.
Speaker: Let me give a Jordan thing.
Speaker: Hey, thanks, man.
Speaker: God damn it.
Speaker: You had no problem, cowboy.
Speaker: Shut up, man.
Speaker: I've had a lot to drink.
Speaker: I've had a lot to drink, man.
Speaker: Voice is subject to change.
Speaker: I gotta get out of this other thing.
Speaker: Hey, thanks, man.
Speaker: Oh, my God.
Speaker: Oh, boy.
Speaker: I'm gonna go watch surfer movies.
Speaker: Yeah, right?
Speaker: I need... What up, bro?
Speaker: Oh, yeah, that might be where I head with this.
Speaker: I need both Matt and Nick to give me an alertness check.
Speaker: What is the alertness of a Kevin jock boy?
Speaker: Two.
Speaker: Ten.
Speaker: My alertness is actually 50, all right?
Speaker: So I got 10 out of 50.
Speaker: I got a 55 out of 50.
Speaker: Okay, so Kevin got a 10 and Jason got a 55 out of 50?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: You...
Speaker: crack this beer open and it is i mean you picked it out so it's your favorite beer you were just into this can of beer kevin you are kind of disappointed with the rolling rock like you know it wasn't uh it's uh
Speaker: It's not it's not really the beer that you that you go for.
Speaker: Obviously you go for the keystone.
Speaker: So you're not as into the beer.
Speaker: You go to put it down and you notice something weird about the table.
Speaker: What about it?
Speaker: You notice that the table is, you know, your regular, like, rectangle shape.
Speaker: Yeah, this is table-like.
Speaker: It's got the alphabet on it.
Speaker: Well, fuck.
Speaker: Not this again.
Speaker: And it also, above the alphabet, has the words yes and no.
Speaker: Aw, goddammit, Jordan.
Speaker: I think these are one of those, like, ghost boards.
Speaker: Like, you can talk to Casper and shit.
Speaker: Real quick.
Speaker: I want to go back into the bedroom and finish that.
Speaker: Okay, what about it?
Speaker: So, Courtney, you walk out of the bathroom.
Speaker: You see that Dash is in his silk boxers just laying on top of the blankets, one leg over the other, hands behind his head, like, you know, like he's relaxing on a pool float.
Speaker: Like...
Speaker: Like in the pool, just relaxing.
Speaker: What do you do?
Speaker: Is that a pickle in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?
Speaker: Is that the best you can do, really?
Speaker: A pickle joke?
Speaker: I mean... I mean... You know...
Speaker: She kind of just like glances at his boxers and then back at him and then walks over and does the exact same thing and just strips down to her bra and underwear.
Speaker: She's like, two can play at this game.
Speaker: Hang on.
Speaker: You just got out of the bath.
Speaker: Yeah, she got dressed.
Speaker: Fully dressed.
Speaker: She's in pajamas.
Speaker: She's not going to walk out nude.
Speaker: I figured you were walking out like in a towel or something, but okay.
Speaker: No.
Speaker: I mean, her pajamas aren't much, but she still takes them off and is now in her brown panties.
Speaker: I'm just like, you know, I've seen, I've seen worse.
Speaker: He looks her up and down and goes, not bad, but I've seen better.
Speaker: And then he stands up and goes into the bathroom to take his own bath.
Speaker: He wouldn't say that out loud, but probably.
Speaker: Make sure to use the air freshener when you're done.
Speaker: Oh, did you leave it all stinky?
Speaker: You should have done that yourself, but I guess I can clean up after you.
Speaker: No, no.
Speaker: Just because you sound smart doesn't mean you are.
Speaker: She walks out the room to go get a beer.
Speaker: Are you Fran Drescher?
Speaker: What?
Speaker: You never watched The Nanny?
Speaker: No.
Speaker: Oh, I can see that.
Speaker: I can see that.
Speaker: No, Melanie has definitely not seen that.
Speaker: No, no.
Speaker: She's still just coming out in her bra and panties because she doesn't really care.
Speaker: It's basically like a sports bra.
Speaker: Whoa.
Speaker: What's up, stud?
Speaker: What are those shorts?
Speaker: Boy shorts.
Speaker: That's the word.
Speaker: Yep.
Speaker: What kind of party you wanted to have tonight?
Speaker: Shut up, Jason.
Speaker: He just smiles and takes another drink, staring at the ceiling fan.
Speaker: Did you get the vodka or no?
Speaker: You're going to have to go look in the cooler.
Speaker: I did buy the vodka.
Speaker: Okay, good.
Speaker: It's of a blue variety.
Speaker: A blue UV?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Fuck yeah.
Speaker: She just goes over to the cooler and just pulls it out and just starts drinking from it because she knows that the meatheads won't be drinking it.
Speaker: It's yours drinking vodka straight out of the bottle.
Speaker: Because she's not a meathead.
Speaker: Because I'm not a meathead.
Speaker: Alright.
Speaker: As the alcoholic grabs their vodka...
Speaker: Roll me a constitution throw.
Speaker: God damn it.
Speaker: Just let me do things.
Speaker: Somebody else do the pukey noise.
Speaker: That guy's sort of fucked.
Speaker: This is going to be for puking.
Speaker: This is just going to see if how well she can hold her vodka.
Speaker: See if she gets shit faced or not.
Speaker: You said constitution saving throw?
Speaker: Not saving throw, just constitution roll?
Speaker: Yeah, constitution roll.
Speaker: That would be a 70 out of 65.
Speaker: So you take a nip of it and you feel a little bit buzzed.
Speaker: Okay, cool.
Speaker: Kind of taking the edge off a little bit.
Speaker: So once she's doing that, I'm kind of going to put my half-drank beer on the table and be like, you ready to party, Casper?
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Is he calling me Casper?
Speaker: No, there's something weird with the table, bro.
Speaker: I thought you were calling her Casper.
Speaker: I'm like, she may be white, but she's at least tan.
Speaker: Jason's going to get up from the couch and walk over to the cooler, grab another beer, and then walk over to Kevin.
Speaker: I'm going to slap him on the back.
Speaker: All right, bro.
Speaker: What's going on with this table?
Speaker: You won't quit talking about it.
Speaker: Does he say it as well?
Speaker: I mean, yeah, it's printed on the table.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: I don't know if it was like an illusion in my mind or something.
Speaker: No, it's 100% printed on the table.
Speaker: Whoa, bro.
Speaker: It's an Ouija board.
Speaker: Dude, I think you just said like a slur, bro.
Speaker: It's an Ouija board, dude.
Speaker: You can talk to the dead.
Speaker: It's not called a ghost board?
Speaker: What the fuck?
Speaker: Dash is going to come out.
Speaker: And when he says that, he goes, ah, you mean a Luigi board.
Speaker: Now I know you're dumb as a sack of rocks.
Speaker: No, we meant a Mario board, bro.
Speaker: That was the dumbest joke.
Speaker: Oh.
Speaker: I had to make it at least once.
Speaker: Clearly it's a King Boo board.
Speaker: Come on.
Speaker: You know what, man?
Speaker: Fuck.
Speaker: I can't wait to edit myself.
Speaker: Whoa, bro.
Speaker: No, no.
Speaker: I know you're from France and all, but no, no, this isn't.
Speaker: It's not Luigi.
Speaker: It's a Ouija.
Speaker: There's an A at the end.
Speaker: It's not Ouija, you dumb idiots.
Speaker: It's just called a Ouija board.
Speaker: There you go.
Speaker: Say it slurs again, bro.
Speaker: French?
Speaker: I swear to God, I will beat your face in for that one.
Speaker: What's wrong with being French, bro?
Speaker: Everything.
Speaker: Kevin, you're not French.
Speaker: You want to sleep outside tonight, bro?
Speaker: I mean, I don't understand the question.
Speaker: Can you repeat it?
Speaker: I'm surrounded by idiots.
Speaker: Yeah, we're not really surrounded.
Speaker: You're in a room by yourself.
Speaker: No, she's...
Speaker: No, she's out with you guys.
Speaker: I'm out with you guys.
Speaker: Oh, I thought you were just like in the hall.
Speaker: No, she came over and got the vodka from the cooler.
Speaker: Oh yeah, you're the alcoholic chick we brought.
Speaker: Does the table have the weird little like dais thing that you put your hands on?
Speaker: It does not, but further inspection of the table, there is, it has like almost like a shelf underneath.
Speaker: So it's not like one of those coffee tables that has the drawers.
Speaker: It's got the tabletop, the legs, and then there's another shelf underneath it.
Speaker: And there are clear glasses underneath there.
Speaker: I'll grab a glass for each of us and put them on the table.
Speaker: Face up or face down?
Speaker: Face up.
Speaker: I plan to put something in it.
Speaker: Okay, perfect.
Speaker: I need to get Krug.
Speaker: That's the plant.
Speaker: Fuck me.
Speaker: Saw, dude.
Speaker: Saw, dude.
Speaker: Saw, dude.
Speaker: Saw.
Speaker: What are you going to do is you got to- You saw, dude, to get back into the voice.
Speaker: You got to think of the fish from Spunkbob.
Speaker: I got to watch fucking Johnny Tsunami.
Speaker: No, no.
Speaker: Spunkbob.
Speaker: Biodome.
Speaker: Pauly Shore.
Speaker: That's a great idea.
Speaker: Yeah, buddy.
Speaker: I like your Spongebob pole, Mel, but I'm thinking more Finding Nemo.
Speaker: Right, Jess?
Speaker: Right, Jess?
Speaker: Whoa, bro.
Speaker: All right.
Speaker: All right.
Speaker: No, here's the deal.
Speaker: Here's the deal.
Speaker: Courtney, bring that bottle over here.
Speaker: I swear, if you guys drink all of my alcohol, I'm going to be pissed.
Speaker: Bruh, bruh.
Speaker: You act like there's not another one in there.
Speaker: You're seriously giving me a UV fucking blue, bro?
Speaker: Yo, yo, no, we're gonna make a mixed drink here.
Speaker: Bring it over, bring it over.
Speaker: She reluctantly brings it over.
Speaker: I swear to God, if you pour beer and vodka into my glass, I will beat it over your head.
Speaker: Oh, shut up, Luigi.
Speaker: Kevin, I will not buy you any more alcohol while we are here.
Speaker: I will.
Speaker: That's fucking rude, bro.
Speaker: We're partying here.
Speaker: It's like, don't even do that to your fucking friends, bro.
Speaker: Come on, man.
Speaker: No way.
Speaker: All right.
Speaker: So, look, here's what we do.
Speaker: I pour this stuff in here.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I pour the, like the glasses are about half full with that.
Speaker: And then I reach into the cooler and I grab a bottle of whiskey out of there and I fill it the rest of the way up with the whiskey.
Speaker: What the fuck are you making?
Speaker: I like to call this the good time.
Speaker: Cheers.
Speaker: And I hand everybody a glass.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Dash shrugs and shoots it.
Speaker: Oh yeah, shotgun it.
Speaker: Oh, okay.
Speaker: Courtney does not shotgun it.
Speaker: Right down the gullet.
Speaker: I was going to say, these are like whiskey glasses.
Speaker: So I mean like they're decent, but okay.
Speaker: All right.
Speaker: We're doing that.
Speaker: So yeah, you guys are drunk.
Speaker: You gotta do our con save.
Speaker: Nope, I don't.
Speaker: Gross.
Speaker: If you are shotgunning a glass that is half vodka, half whiskey, I most certainly do not.
Speaker: As soon as Dash finishes, he slams the glass upside down on the table and just goes, oh, so much better.
Speaker: So much better.
Speaker: I do the same thing.
Speaker: I try to do the same thing.
Speaker: What, do you break it?
Speaker: Probably.
Speaker: Come on, then.
Speaker: Don't be the odd one out.
Speaker: Kevin, give me a strength throw.
Speaker: You got it, bro.
Speaker: Ah, fuck.
Speaker: 85 out of 85.
Speaker: Okay, so you pass.
Speaker: So no, you don't smash the glass.
Speaker: Come on, Courtney.
Speaker: Let's go.
Speaker: We all did it.
Speaker: She rolls her eyes and then shotguns it.
Speaker: Yeah, getting the peer pressure.
Speaker: We do not condone underage drinking.
Speaker: We do not.
Speaker: For peer pressure.
Speaker: We don't condone peer pressure either, but hey, you know what?
Speaker: For the sake of this... Bro, it's not peer pressure.
Speaker: It's just your turn.
Speaker: Yeah, bro.
Speaker: You're not a fucking loser, are you?
Speaker: Like, who didn't give in to peer pressure in high school?
Speaker: Like, come on.
Speaker: But you guys are all high school graduates, surprisingly.
Speaker: I got my GMED.
Speaker: Excuse me.
Speaker: I'm also 19.
Speaker: I failed a year.
Speaker: Excuse me, I paid someone very handsomely for all of my papers.
Speaker: Courtney surprisingly did well in school.
Speaker: Does anyone else know that?
Speaker: Out of these four?
Speaker: No.
Speaker: They think she slept her way through, but she didn't.
Speaker: Well, come on, line your glass up.
Speaker: You drank it, drop it on the table.
Speaker: Let's get ready for round two.
Speaker: Oh, I'm not doing a round two.
Speaker: Just give me my vodka.
Speaker: Kevin fucking gets right for a second.
Speaker: Shot.
Speaker: So, as you guys line up the glasses, you're pouring drinks, you're having yourself a good night, the table goes unforgotten.
Speaker: But...
Speaker: As you guys kind of go off to bed, we have... Okay, I guess I should ask, Courtney and Dash, are you indeed sharing a bed?
Speaker: At this point, I think they're too drunk to even fight about it.
Speaker: So yeah, sure, they're sharing a bed.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Courtney and Dash go to the master bedroom.
Speaker: They...
Speaker: fall asleep.
Speaker: We'll say they at least start on the opposite ends of the bed.
Speaker: We'll see what happens when they wake up.
Speaker: Are we going to have a cuddle puddle?
Speaker: I mean, maybe.
Speaker: That's going to start coming up every episode, isn't it?
Speaker: Oh, bro, we're the cuddle crew.
Speaker: And there it is.
Speaker: Of all the names we could have, it's a bad one.
Speaker: Yeah, it sounds like a bunch of... I'm not even going to say it.
Speaker: Oh, man.
Speaker: So, Courtney and Dash in the bed on opposite ends of the bed.
Speaker: We have Kevin...
Speaker: who's passed out on the chair.
Speaker: Dash somehow is sleeping upside down.
Speaker: Or Kevin is on the couch.
Speaker: Dash is somehow upside down on the chair.
Speaker: No.
Speaker: Snoring loud.
Speaker: Dash is in the bed with Courtney.
Speaker: I mean... Jason's on the couch.
Speaker: Jason's on the couch.
Speaker: Kevin's upside down on the chair.
Speaker: I will get this right eventually.
Speaker: Okay, let's take that from the top again.
Speaker: so we have Courtney and Kevin did you shoot the vodka and whiskey no I'm looking at your names in the chat and Courtney Kevin like they they both start with the hard cut sound so that's where my brain's going okay last time I got this got this hold on this all has to stay in fuck off
Speaker: Anyone else getting liar, liar vibes is back and forth.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: So we have Courtney and dash in the king size bed opposite ends of the bed.
Speaker: Again, we'll see how they wake up.
Speaker: We have Jason on the couch, passed out face down on.
Speaker: We'll just say his hoodie because he was too drunk to find a pillow.
Speaker: Kevin started off in the chair, like with a leg over the arm.
Speaker: And somehow throughout the night, after having the chair kicked out, is like upside down in the chair.
Speaker: And as the scene comes to a close, you see the camera pans around, shows everybody sleeping.
Speaker: They're snoring off.
Speaker: You guys are snoring off your drunk stupor of the night.
Speaker: And the camera...
Speaker: goes to the table.
Speaker: And the last thing that you see before the end of the scene is one of the glasses slightly moves.
Speaker: And that's deep breathing.
Speaker: Gasp.
Speaker: Shelby's going to hate that.
Speaker: And that's where we're ending this episode.
Speaker: Bye, everybody.
Speaker: I promise I'll have the voice better next time.
Speaker: Bye, dude.
Speaker: Let's Play Pretend is Breck Black as Dash, I don't remember your last name.
Speaker: Matt Check is Kevin, I don't want to say your last name.
Speaker: Melanie Derringer as Courtney, I changed my last name halfway through the episode.
Speaker: And myself, Nick Barnett, as Jason Murtoch.
Speaker: Jordan Derringer is our DM, GM, keeper, handler, and host.
Speaker: And we want to thank you so much for being here and listening.
Speaker: We hope you enjoy this little side arc.
Speaker: We got at least two more parts of it coming in the next couple weeks.
Speaker: Thank you so much for listening.
Speaker: Check out W.GG like it said in the ad.
Speaker: Use the code LPPPOD to get yourself 10% off of your order.
Speaker: I'll put the link down below in the description.
Speaker: Again, thank you.
Speaker: Also, can't wait to get your questions.
Speaker: Please remember, send us questions through the email, through our Facebook, through Twitter, X, whatever you want to call it.
Speaker: Anywhere you can send us a comment,
Speaker: Go ahead and ask us a couple questions, whether it's personal about us or whether it's about the campaign or anything, anything related at all to this nerddom that we call home.
Speaker: We will see you in two weeks time.
Speaker: Let's play pretend!
Speaker: Ha ha!
