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74. Best Easter Horror 2024: Passion of the Christ, Easter Bloody Easter, and Crow 4
9 Plays6 months ago
Ladies and gents, ghouls and ghosts, welcome to the Streamin’ Demons Podcast Easter Horror Special, where we’re hatching a fiendish lineup of films that’ll make you want to keep the lights on this Easter! First up, we’ve got the movie too hot for Joe Bob Briggs! The “Passion of the Christ.” Forget everything you thought you knew because Jimbo discovered if you watch this at 2x speed it becomes a kungfu comedy about a man who gets beaten after making a table too high–yes, there is even a training montage and a cliffhanger for a sequel! Next, we’re rolling into […]
Transcript
Introduction and Theme
00:00:01
Speaker
Hey everyone, Jim Phoenix here. And boy, we are excited to give you a haunted Easter special. If the do being killed and claim back to life isn't haunting and horror, I don't know what is so happy Easter y'all today. We've got a very special streaming demons that has the passion of the Christ. Yes. Motherfuckers. You heard that shit, right?
00:00:23
Speaker
Sorry, Joe Bob Briggs. Y'all weren't mad enough to do it for Shudder. I am. And then we have Easter, Bloody Easter and Crowfire. I almost said five. Four. Mostly because of Terry. All of us and more on your next streaming demons. Hit it. See, I didn't hit the other one, did I? No. No. OK.
Easter Horror Films
00:00:49
Speaker
I play our podcast in the car and want to see how it hears. See how it hears. How it listens, yeah? And you know what really shakes my windows? That comes out my windows. I'm sure. Oh, I was giving major props today for the music, by the way.
00:01:15
Speaker
Oh, for the, I didn't do the first one. Oh, okay. Thank you. Yeah. I appreciate it. It's a fun song. It's an awesome song. Okay. We're back. Hey everyone. Jim Phoenix here. And if you were wondering what happened the last 15 seconds, well, good luck today on a very special Easter special. I like Easter. It's just my friend. You know what I like for Easter? I like going funny. That's right.
00:01:44
Speaker
It's a horror special. I don't even know why we're doing this. Probably because I want to do passion or Christ and boxes like, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You were really, really passionate about it. Cause apparently just like, uh, the last one we saw, I don't remember anything in it. It might've, it might've, my version was a bit funner and we'll get to that a bit later. So we'll get canceled then. And then you're doing Easter bloody Easter.
00:02:13
Speaker
It's a new movie. Yep. Easter, bloody Easter. It is coming out and, uh, I'm excited to talk about it. Nice. And we're going to tag team crew four of terry reed. Which I thought was crow three for the longest time until I looked up crow three and I'm like, Oh, wait, this has none of the people that I recognize. Uh, knew there was a two. And then I forgot there was a three or four. Yeah, there's, there's a three.
00:02:43
Speaker
And the crow three has like, um, gosh, who is, uh, Kirsten dunce. Oh, no, you're right. I know that because I looked it up and I got that version too. I didn't watch it. I was like, I didn't know Christian don't need that much fucking money there in crow three. Yeah. I was looking it up because I was so disheartened because I was looking up crow three and I'm like, Oh my God, we watched the fourth one.
00:03:12
Speaker
Yeah. There's no reason we have to. Yeah. And the crow is going to come back again for 2024. It shouldn't. That's a thing. Yeah. I don't know, man. I grew up with the Brandon Lee one and you know, if you die making the movie, I think we call it quits after that. And I was like, I think the movie's good. Let's call it quits. He dies for it.
00:03:41
Speaker
Yeah, he did. RIP. And I hear it was a fantastic performance. Wonderful performance. Brendan Lee was actually a really good actor, if you didn't know. And Crow was his breakout big time. I can be a dramatic and action and romantic, not just this really weird buddy cop shit with Dolph Lundgren all the time.
00:04:05
Speaker
which is what he was doing before. Well, she was still pretty good, but it was just kind of like the buddy, copish, lighthearted action. Not a lot of thought for her plot. Crow was thoughtful. Oh boy. So Easter. You know, I've had so many jokes. Baum wrote Easter. I can imagine.
00:04:27
Speaker
Yeah, I was trying this one out. I thought it was funny. It was like, you know, I, I think I figured it out. I think the Pillsbury Doughboy is Jesus.
Humorous Easter Comparisons
00:04:35
Speaker
Cause he has risen, right? Just like the Pillsbury Doughboy. And he wants you to eat him just like the Pillsbury Doughboy. And if he touched Jesus in the stomach, he goes, just like the Pillsbury Doughboy. You don't see him in the same place. You never seen Jesus and the Pillsbury Doughboy same time, same place. You don't prove me wrong, America.
00:04:59
Speaker
Do we need to though? Do we need to? I don't know what you guys need. I'm up here in the frozen North shoveling shoveling all the snow for your Easter eggs. Yeah. So, okay. Easter egg. Did you ever Easter egg hunt as a kid or an adult? Me too. It's kind of cool. Yeah. Yeah. Did your color them and stuff like that? Yeah. Did you hard boil them or just like color them or what?
00:05:28
Speaker
Um, welcome to the movie podcast, everybody. Let's talk about Easter eggs. I did. I did hard boil them. Eventually I would like to learn how to do the Ukrainian blow that thing out with the beeswax, the beeswax. Yeah.
Easter Traditions and Anecdotes
00:05:46
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. If you look up Ukrainian eggs, because my family has Ukrainian roots, we had some of these eggs, but they're always like
00:05:56
Speaker
looky no touchy. So if you look up Ukrainian eggs, and I cannot say it in Ukrainian, but basically it's P-Y-R-S-A-K-I, I think I want to say. I bet you just spelled my last name. It's basically like, yeah, it's wax and it's dyed and you make like ornaments, you know, like stuff. It's very cool. Yeah, it's very cool. I'll tell them to look that up.
00:06:23
Speaker
You should and we should all we should all try it at some. Do you want to do that? Would you fucking do it per the site if I got some Ukrainian wax? I could try. I mean, I mean, it's it might it's not going to be good. I've tried to get a Ukrainian waxed that that helps. You know what I mean? And I think he does. Yeah, yeah.
00:06:46
Speaker
But enough about my love life. So creating wax Easter eggs, I dig it. That reminds me of the Slovakian Easter tradition, which is to have your little girl run through the town and boys get to beat her. That's the Slovakian Easter tradition. You scared the shit out of my friend because she had to go through it for a couple of years.
00:07:13
Speaker
Wow, I have not heard of that. That's terrifying. It's basically a light rape, as we'd like to call it. And that's not our sponsor. No, rape, light rape. Half the calories don't matter to me. Not our sponsor. Look what I'd be at, a rape favorite not doing that. No, we would not be. Did you color eggs? Did you color eggs?
00:07:41
Speaker
I love coloring eggs. We even did the blow the yolk out coloring, which is like even more tricky to get harder to fuck. It is very fragile. It's absolutely hard to do.
Easter Candy Nostalgia
00:07:52
Speaker
Now, I broke many of eggs trying to write. It's it is difficult, man. It's it's been jewellery stuff and a talent involved in egg blowing. Teach your grandma to suck eggs, which is actually a saying, you know. Yes. It comes from somewhere. Now, I have to ask.
00:08:12
Speaker
Did you get an Easter basket as a kid? Yes, I did. I feel like this is going somewhere. No, I'm reminiscing, reminiscing. I do miss good Easter. This Easter happens to be a quadruple shit day, or good Fridays or bad Friday for me, let's put it that way.
00:08:30
Speaker
chocolate, right? For you, sir. I got, I got like, um, right. Oh yeah. Peeps to get peeps. I got peeps. I don't, I've never really liked peeps, but I did get peeps. I told my mom, I liked it once. And you always get it. Yes. And you always get it. Yes. And now I don't have like a next wife to pawn them off on. Nope. It's going to be all you. Fuck me. All you and the cat.
00:08:59
Speaker
And then I would get jelly beans which are now Starburst and Jellybillies Jelly beans we grew up with shut ass now. They have like fucking jelly bellies and Starburst jelly beans the shit is that? Jellybillies are pretty good. Yeah, I would just I would just get the regular old nondescript jelly beans
00:09:23
Speaker
99 cents for 5,000 pounds of it. It's just sugar and fucking food coloring. Didn't taste like anything. Basic. I think they kind of did. I did not like the licorice ones. I would throw those out. Oh, no, no. That's because they're black. You're throwing them out because they're black, dude. Nope. That's fucking racialist. Racialist. Racialist. Yes. I'm bringing that word back. Thank you very much, Ali G. Um, I liked the green ones the best. Green ones are cool.
00:09:54
Speaker
pink or red. I can't remember. Orange was not quite orange. Like they couldn't get the flavors quite right sometimes. No, they really can't get the flavors quite right with those. And yeah, like then you would get like a bunny and you would eat the ears first. Of course. How or solid? I would prefer hollow. Me too. Cause that has more like the tactile crunchy crunchies. It does. And also solid is just too much, man. It's just too much. Even as a kid, you're like,
00:10:22
Speaker
I'm done with chocolate. We used to melt hers down. For anything we didn't eat, we'd put it in the freezer. No, seriously. And then we would melt it down and you combine the chocolate with an ice cream and make fudge. Oh, oh, okay. That makes, that's better sense than bullets. Bullets. No, we're not going to shoot people. My aunt would always include a crest, toothpaste, and toothbrush in every Easter basket to promote oral hygiene.
00:10:52
Speaker
Oh man, she's one of those. I know. Well, this is good. I was like, I always knew, like I knew which basket was from her. Like, okay. All this candy, bazillion dollars worth. And here's your toothbrush. Don't forget T for forever. Except for your age. They fall right the fuck out because you got kid teeth. But after that T for forever. Unless you're rich and you can buy new ones. But other than that, teeth are forever. Dr. Deef and electric mayhem. Oh yeah. I can't do that. I'm not going to do it right now. I pulled my voice already today.
00:11:22
Speaker
Yeah, don't do that. I pulled other things today too. So we did all that. God, man. So Easter is this, is Easter religious to you?
Easter's Religious and Secular Aspects
00:11:33
Speaker
It's a holiday. It was. It was, but not necessarily happy. People can still celebrate Easter just by doing the Easter egg hunt and the bunnies and shit like that. And the whole thing is like also kind of pagan roots kind of like, Oh, here we go. Hooking back the horror. Especially with the, um,
00:11:52
Speaker
Like the Easter eggs, like I know that, and I'm not an expert of any kind, but like the Ukrainian eggs to date back to pre-Christian, I believe. And basically each, um, because it has different designs, each design meant something different. And the egg is basically just, you know, a rebirth type metaphor. Anyway, the spring is coming.
00:12:16
Speaker
You know, it's going to be fertile again, the land, you know, as an egg. So it symbolizes a lot of things like that.
00:12:30
Speaker
It can be spiritual to some people and it can also just be, you know, eggs and candy and bunnies and having fun. Yeah. I mean, honestly, what was it supposed to be? Uh, it's the celebration. If Jesus comes back and sees the shadow, we've got four more years of Trump. Is that what it is? 12 fucking minutes. 12 fucking minutes. I set that patient's motherfuckers.
00:12:59
Speaker
Learn it. I knew as soon as you said passion of the Christ, I'm like, Oh God, this is going to be, it's going to be quite, quite a podcast.
Movie Reviews and Creator Support
00:13:10
Speaker
Yeah. It's going to be something, but we're going to get to yours first because I am lazy, but I honestly, I've been very proud of myself. I've been watching all the movies I say I'm reviewing.
00:13:21
Speaker
I'm so proud. Right. I'm even doing screeners for other people. I've got plugs for people. I've got shit. That's, it's, it's amazing balls. This is self care right here. Sure.
00:13:35
Speaker
or self torture either way. No, it's, you know, yeah. Yeah. I'm glad. I'm glad, especially since we're getting into spring and that halfway to Halloween's coming up. That's what T and E channel told me the fuck I'm a fucking today. Yeah. I know. I got to go get my other nut sack nut sack too. Oh, that's right. What, what? It was a half. It was a halfway to Halloween convention. Oh yeah.
00:14:05
Speaker
Cool, dude. Yeah, that my dad found on Facebook. And yeah, I'm gonna have to go find, I guess, get another DVD. It's US, right? Why don't we give you a budget and you get the weirdest fucking shit you can find? Let me know how much it is. I'll invoice, I'll PayPal you the money. I think the DVDs are like 10 bucks that they have. I'll see like a $100 budget, so.
00:14:35
Speaker
Jesus Christ. No, Jesus Christ is my movie. Your movie is Easter bloody Easter. And here we go. Tell me about it. Okay. So it is Southern. It is like very Southern. Um, can marry itself. Like you can tell a lot of people were dragging out Southern accents that they didn't have, but they were working real hard on them.
00:15:02
Speaker
But it's basically, um, a story about this woman. Um, she has a falling out with her partner and it's not Tara Reed. It's actually the director of the movie director of Tara Reed. It's Diane Foster. Oh, she plays Jeanie Cooper. She's also the director. Um,
00:15:25
Speaker
And basically it's about the small town. Easter is their thing. They have like something on good Friday. They have something on Saturday and they have something on Sunday. And like, this is the thing that they do like every year. They kill gay people. No. Too far south. Sorry. How far south is this? Okay. So it's like the south where, nah, it's like really like,
00:15:54
Speaker
I will give it, it is the nicer self and I will give it this is that it did have a diverse cast and it had a lot of, um, interracial couples, which I thought was really cool. Cool. So to Star Trek. Yeah, that's true.
00:16:13
Speaker
Um, so basically it's about this woman. Um, her partner's gone. You don't know exactly why, but she's really sullen about this. You don't know why she's upset. Well, you don't know why he had left. Oh, you don't know why. Are you assuming the partner's male or is there, we actually have some, no, no, he is male.
00:16:33
Speaker
Meaning I wasn't doing like a gender thing about like saying like, would she straight or whatever? She's straight. So a traditional like quote unquote Easter whites, traditional Baptist Southern. Yes. Yeah. I would say so. I would say so. Um, but also throw in, it's, you know, it's a, it's a horror comedy. So throw in those kind of antics, the horror comedy.
00:17:04
Speaker
This is a screener. It's called Easter bloody Easter. Of course. It's a screener. Yes. It's a screener from our friend, Justin. Do I just not read emails anymore? I know. Maybe he's, maybe he's coming to me with stuff. Fuck that guy. I'm going to fucking box.
00:17:26
Speaker
He does come to me when it's about small town monsters, but he did ask me if I wanted to do it. I'm like, sure, why not? That's awesome. Fuck yes. So yeah, so basically unbeknownst to her, but what starts happening is an evil jackalope begins killing the people of the town. Oh shit. I know this one.
00:17:52
Speaker
You do? Yeah. So it's a fucking rabbit, the rabbit, the antlers and shit, right? Yes. Like, I forget which, um, what was that from? Jackalopes. Jackalopes were all over, man. I don't know. But the, the old TV show, I forgot there was like a Jackalope on it. The old TV show. Was that on Saturday Night Live? Oh no, dude. I don't know. Anyway, so it's a Jackalope. Yep. And, um,
00:18:22
Speaker
so this this movie kind of has everything it has a dance number it has an acapella singing number it has a drag queen it has um gosh what else i mean it just has kind of everything and drag queen and cabaret cabaret cabaret and drag queen
00:18:45
Speaker
I didn't say cabaret. I said dance number. I made that one up. So what was it? You didn't make that one up. It's like a dance number in the middle, in the middle of it. Dance number in the middle of the drag show. You have killer bunnies. You have like a Jackalope running around killing people. Um, it's just,
00:19:12
Speaker
It's just kind of a fun ride. It really is. And I really wanted to kind of not like it. Cause you know, I like sit through movies called like killer kites and like cocaine shark, cocaine shark five. And so I thought like, you know, this was going to be kind of like that. And it is kind of like that. However, the casting's really good. The actors are really good with what they're doing.
00:19:42
Speaker
Everybody's kind of over the top. Everybody's having a good time. Wow. And to be honest, like when we get to the midway point, I really, really liked the main character. Like I felt for her and I'm like, I should be feeling feelings for a movie called Easter bloody Easter, but I did. That's, it's amazing. Okay. So CGI. Yes. Or they just pop it the hell out of this CGI and puppets and puppets.
00:20:12
Speaker
How was this budget? In fact, let me pull it up because, um, the person who did it, um, did mad God, that will be messed up. No, no, but I think he did the hand in fill in the hand and miss whom as a boozer, the Hammond, Jesse, um, Jesse Owens.
00:20:41
Speaker
Jesse Gomez. I'm trying to pull up the release. You're trying to pull something up? Dude, hey, hey, that's not the type of show. It's Easter Sunday show their box. We're doing a BG. No, we can do R, right? R.
00:21:01
Speaker
can do already something like that. So it's puppetry and it is CGI. And it's an amazing thing that even if you didn't want to like it, you did. And it comes from gravitas ventures and it's going to actually, it just landed yesterday. Oh, so you can buy it on capable BOD. Yep. The 26 you can get it on a digital HD streaming links and, um,
00:21:31
Speaker
Oh, here it is. The iconic demon bunnies were created by Jesse Velez of Raptor House FX, who are also known for creating the infamous hand from Netflix's Wednesday. Wednesday. The killer bunnies, I did get a few chuckles out of because they were pretty funny and also kind of scary, but also like, okay, this is a movie where
00:21:56
Speaker
Somebody has like puppets on her tits and she's going, not my tits because they're biting her boobs. So it's like critters. Kind of, but I dig that. No, it's, so it's like a eighties late eighties throwback to those horror comedies where they're horror, but they, they didn't take themselves too seriously. Exactly. It's horror. They don't take themselves too seriously, but at the same time, like,
00:22:24
Speaker
You can see some depth went on there. You can see how there was care put into it. And at the end of the day, you can tell they're just having a fun time. Like they have the bunny hop dance. Everybody dances to it. I can do the bunny hop. Yeah, it was, it's a fun movie. Now I want to watch this. Damn it. You're like, my movie was light and it was fun. I'm like, I'm looking at my fucking IMDB. I'm like, man. I know. That's why you were like,
00:22:50
Speaker
I'm going to do this, but I'm like, I'm going to take the funny Easter bunny one. I should have done that. Oh, well. So what are you going to say? Cthulhu is out of five. OK, so. I would watch it again. Would you? We can make it a porno man. Easter bunnies making playboy bunnies instead and having like. I think I'm going to pass on that one. Fine. Go back to the next one, a porno.
00:23:20
Speaker
I think I'm going to give it a 3.75. 3.75? Yeah, it was close to four. I think it could have been cut a little bit better because the runtime was, I think, a little bit long. But oh, and I didn't like the ending. That's it. Also, I didn't like the very, very end. No. I think it could have been a little bit tighter. But that being said, that being said, it was a fun movie.
00:23:49
Speaker
Oh, and how long was the movie a minute or hour 30? No, it was a little bit longer. I think, I think it was like an hour 40. I want to say, okay. 375. Okay. Shit. Well, but again, it's, I'm still giving it a glowing review. It's, it was a lot of fun. It's one of those movies where it's, you don't have to turn on your brain. You don't have to get spiritual. Like, you don't, you don't have to get spiritual for mine. Trust me.
00:24:19
Speaker
But ain't okay. Damn it. Okay. Box. Fine. I'm glad you had to light one. It was fun. My movie. Passion the Christ. Directed by Mel Gibson. Oh, that Mel Gibson. Yeah. That Milly Gibson. This is what the IMDB says depicts a final 12 hours, just 12 in the life of Jesus of Nazareth on a day he was crucified in Jerusalem.
00:24:47
Speaker
And it's got stuff that's entire fucking thing. Yes, it does. Dyer thing. So they're not, yeah, they're speaking in. Arithmetic. Yeah, sure. Listen, I wanted to do this because for me, this was, I spit on your grave. This is like the gore porn of torture and just
00:25:13
Speaker
stripping down and beating a dude, it starts out with him basically getting beat. Oh, yeah. Jesus. And then, you know, for next two hours, you just see some guy get the ass kicked. I mean, that was part of the story. Yeah. But, but as I was going through this, I'm like, man, I don't remember starting out with him getting beat. Damn it. Just like, I didn't remember natural born killers, apparently.
00:25:43
Speaker
So I'm like, maybe I just watched the Passion of the Jew by South Park and talk about that. Cause I'm pretty sure whatever Cartman is saying is going to be parallel to the Passion of the Christ. Anyways, that's what they were doing. They're spoofing the movie, but then I couldn't find it. I own it because someone gave it to me and I just didn't want to get off the sofa. Like, you don't have to get off the sofa. I have to put it into the X five. So I had to get the battery to a controller or something. I don't know. So I started watching the Passion of the Christ on double speed.
00:26:14
Speaker
and it helped so fucking much. Passion and Christ on double speed, it becomes a kung fu movie because people and the subtitles fly by and it's all action. And it looks like it's a fucking kung fu trainer where they have the young master or I guess this case, young Jesus in there. And for my understanding is only crime, making a table too high.
00:26:42
Speaker
That's the only thing I understood. He made a table and his mom's like, what the fuck's this shit? It's too high. He's like, oh, people have like chairs or some shit. I don't know. Invite chairs. I'm son of God. I invented a table. Chairs would be on people at that time.
00:26:57
Speaker
And the rest is just this really wicked kung fu movement. It's so fucking good this way. It's hysterical. It's a fucking comedy. I don't think it's kung fu. It's a kung fu comedy.
00:27:14
Speaker
I was thinking, oh my God, this is Kung Fu Hassel. This is Kung Pao. This is everything I wanted to see. Every once in a while, I was looking out for Sebastian Bach to sing like Jesus Christ, but I remember that was Jesus Christ Superstar. I was like, okay. There's no musical in this one. That would be fun too. Singing Bach as Jesus Christ again? Yes, it would be good. I actually got to see him as Jesus Christ before.
00:27:37
Speaker
It was an amazing show. Sebastian Bach as Jesus Christ superstar. The person in front of me freaked out when he started singing. Cause she might not have known who he was. She was like 12 years old and he starts belting it out. And she's like, yeah, I'm like, yeah, new metal head right in front of us. It was awesome. But this one ain't got him in it. It's, yeah, it's
00:28:04
Speaker
It's got a lot of stars that we don't really know. Mel Gibson. Well after it. Oh, it's got Jim Carrazzell and Monica Bellucci and Maya Morgan Stern. I have Monica Bellucci. I don't remember that. Gosh. Okay. Monica Bellucci. Yeah. She plays Mary Madeline.
00:28:29
Speaker
Oh, she is. Yeah, it's been a it's been a 20 years old. I think the last time I actually saw it was when I was in a church. There you go. This movie is old enough to drink and drive. Well, no, not drinking United States. Sorry, motherfuckers. Drink everywhere else. Drink everywhere else and drive drive. It's got nominated for three Oscars, 30 wins, 24 nominations in total. But I think people
00:28:57
Speaker
have misunderstood this movie since it started. Honestly, do yourself a favor. If you have it on streaming, I don't know if you can maybe do this with DVD as well or Blu-ray. If you can get it streaming, put it on double speed. You might want to get high. OK, get high. OK, there's rules to this. I was not hot. OK, technically, I was on painkillers and muscle relaxers, but that's not high for me. That's just like edging normal.
00:29:28
Speaker
So get high if you want. Wash it on double speed. Leave the sound on. Because if you do it that quickly, it sounds like it's fucking Chinese. So you got this kung fu fucking movie. Yeah, you really want this to be Chinese, don't you? Well, it didn't help because I was maybe looking at a site that had it translated into Chinese. It had two subtitles to English or Chinese.
00:29:58
Speaker
So I'm like, Oh shit. Or maybe that was really high. Did you just watch a Chinese movie and not realize it was in it on this IMDB. That's so weird. And Jesus had a chair. He like ran up the wall with it.
00:30:14
Speaker
No, but it makes fucking sense. It's like a training montage. It's like a flashback. If you watch it, man, it's the same concept where he's getting beat up for a while. And then at the very end, when you, when Jesus super Jesus is down, he's out. We're getting canceled tomorrow. I can't wait for getting canceled. Whatever. Like if.
00:30:38
Speaker
I don't even have my kazoo at this point. You know what? I probably think the end of the story. There you go. At the end of the story, this is the coolest part. It reminds me of the old Jet Li film where Jet Li's character, like he's down, he's out. You don't know if he's going to live or not. It's John fucking Wick. There we go. It's John Wick.
00:31:03
Speaker
Yeah, pretty close. And you think John was going to come back or not. He's down. He can't get any worse. It sounds like Rocky, to be honest. I think the whole premise is a bit rocky, but he comes back clean. No bruises, no cuts, no nothing. He was getting his ass beat. We're talking about whips and change and pokes. Yeah. His eye was all drags and all sorts of stuff.
00:31:39
Speaker
And that could be his theme song, like the Rocky theme song. That would be fucking kicking some ass. I'm not saying that theme song was in there, but you know, it was really you're right. I know. But he comes back at the very end. So it's a cliffhanger. There's got to be a part two. There's got to be like Passion of the Christ to Jesus of Bunny Landia. I don't know, man.
00:32:00
Speaker
I think part two is actually Good Omens season three. Season three, Good Omens? Oh, Good Omens? Yeah, Jesus is coming. Yeah, they are going to have a season three, and Jesus is coming back. Jesus is coming, right? No, that's what it is. He's coming back. Perhaps that was wrong. It's called the second coming. Second coming. I used to be able to do that. I'm just old. But you know what?
00:32:28
Speaker
Can you see this movie? I don't think it's got special effects. I think this is a fucking snuff film. I think they just like beat the shit out of the lead actor and that was it. It's not even makeup there. But it makes sense. Double speed this shit. Keep the captions on. Keep the sound on. It's a kung fu comedy. It's awesome. Captions in English or in Chinese? Have them both, man.
00:32:52
Speaker
I'm not saying where I saw it by like Johnny Stewart on the daily show and always puts me in motion to watch more. That's all I'm saying. Go find it there. I not sure of the soundtrack because I don't have like a score. I'm guessing.
00:33:12
Speaker
They had it, right? It does, it does. I think it was nominated for the score or something. I don't know. I really think... I have the... Oh wait, shit, it didn't have a soundtrack.
00:33:24
Speaker
And you're right, it was nominated for a short. It had a soundtrack. Let me see if I can get one of these fucking songs to play. They call this the Nazarene shuffle. What the fuck? This must be playing when Jesus was training. Anyways, I'm going now.
00:33:52
Speaker
In other news, I was like, for all those people who thought I was going now before, for all the tattoos, I do have some tattoos that are like maybe religious or not. I can't show them some family functions, but that's okay. I'm not being asked. Delores or Raiden. Oh, wait, wait, have Maria. No way. The singer from the fucking cranberries.
00:34:25
Speaker
Wait, what? That the singer from the cranberries did have a Maria for this. I was just for this show. Oh, well, not for the show, for the movie or the whatever. And this show, she did it for this show. Fuck the movie. She thought she did it for me.
00:34:43
Speaker
Yeah, I know. I was kind of really sad. I was really, I was really bummed. She had a lot going for it. I bet it's beautiful. I bet she did a great job. Yeah. Now I want to actually look it up again on single speed.
00:35:00
Speaker
I give this. Okay. There's two things I have to give us. Yeah. Okay. If, if you were to just give this a movie at the regular playback speed as a horror, it does work as horror as a regular speed because there's a double scenes that the children are all freaky and the guy is really getting whipped and beaten and it's like a political drama type horror as a horror film.
00:35:25
Speaker
And if you didn't know, watch, if you didn't know who the fuck Jesus was supposed to have been and you just watch some dude being accused and then like getting the shit kicked out of him for hours and hours and hours and hours on end. And, uh, it's supposed to be do something with some magical shit. You know, he does magic. That's Jesus thing. He pulled rabbits out of people's hats. That's way of Easter bunny. Cause he pulled a rabbit out of the hat. He's a magician. He's a magician.
00:35:52
Speaker
And that's why they hated him. Yeah. He went, he was the pen and teller of the day. It went, he didn't talk that much, which is why the hymn. I would give this a four. Okay. Honest, honest. I was like, honest, I got a second. Give it a four base upon if I'm playing this, the genre of, uh,
00:36:14
Speaker
not saved by the bell spit on your grave or kind of like the purge or the strangers, all those things where you have something that could, it could happen, right? That's the whole premise that makes this really weird. Take away the divinity, take away the magic to it. This could historically, God, I mean, I'm pretty sure historically happened somewhat. I'm not saying it happened. Right, right, right. So
00:36:42
Speaker
This could still happen today. People could mob up against somebody. They could make them torture them. They could, you know, the mob rules to appease everyone else. That could absolutely still happen today. It's probably happening right about now in some countries. Okay, you're bumming me out, man. I know. Okay. So from that perspective, I think it's a solid four. Okay. Solid four. Now, my Kung Fu double speed five.
00:37:12
Speaker
Because you, I dare you, I'm going to send you the link after the show. You put it on fucking double speed with the sound up and you watch that shit. It's going to make you giggle. And it shouldn't be because, you know, technically it's still the same guy getting his ass kicked for two hours, but it's going to make you laugh. It's going to make you like, oh my God, I see it all the little. It's going to be a kung fu flu. So that's my final need.
00:37:39
Speaker
For people who need a laugh this Easter, or especially on Good Friday, play Passion of the Christ. Five stars. Double speed. Double speed. That's my horror comedy, Passion of the Christ. Five stars. You did your horror comedy, Easter, Buddy Easter? I didn't mind, Passion of the Christ. And now that brings us to our joint movie, which I regretted immensely. I did not regret it. Okay.
00:38:08
Speaker
I think the crow floor. I don't know why it's wicked prayer. Oh, is it because they're Satanists? Were they Satanists? I don't know. They were. I guess. David Burianis was very femme.
00:38:34
Speaker
He was very femme and he was very Satanist. Speaking of iconography and religious iconography, I could not make heads or tails of the religion in this movie. You have Satanists, you have Christians, you have Native Americans that
00:39:02
Speaker
Are maybe Christians? I could not understand. Maybe. Ganesh Freiho's character. Oh, I'm glad you brought that up because there is a standing image of Ganesh's character. Was he a Native American slash Latino? Yes. Okay. Yes. Okay. He does a Native American dance? Yes. Yes, he does.
00:39:31
Speaker
I know. That's how the fucking movie ends for me because I have no conscious memory of anything that happens after it. Even though I remember the credits kind of rolling is Danny Trejo shirtless for like 10 minutes.
00:39:46
Speaker
No, it's the bird he's dancing around. Cause he's got it. The crow is sick or something. So Danny Trejo has to put aside his Christianity because he is a priest, which also threw me because he has a daughter, but he is dressed as like a priest. Like he has the collar.
00:40:14
Speaker
Not when he's dancing because he's dancing but again he has a some like is he a priest or I guess he's a pastor but he has the color of They didn't start out you don't that born priest unless you're Judas so it was very
00:40:35
Speaker
It was very interesting. And this is very religious. Did you see the character's names, pestilence, war, famine, Lola. The Satanists are basically, they're very cute. They all have names of the four horsemen of the apocalypse and they all have cars with their names on them. Very cute. Okay. Okay. I have to go back to the very beginning of this.
00:41:02
Speaker
The very beginning is, I think I sent you a screenshot. Like I don't know why you're aiming for like the small.
00:41:11
Speaker
OK, we're in this intricate blow up shot and your guys will have a rifle, but he's going to shoot the smallest fucking thing and find to have a spark that's going to ignite this fuel on the floor that goes into the why just just shoot the fucking canister? It's like a 20 gallon million gallon tank of fuel. Just shoot that. OK, you have to start thing. We have to start from the very, very terrible as a sniper.
00:41:40
Speaker
Before even that, we're told in a long exposition that the Native Americans have the land and they want to make a casino, but there are miners as in they mine stuff from a mine. And I thought it was going to be about them. It's not, the miners never come back. They're just gone, but they're protesting each other, which I thought was weird. I've never seen
00:42:10
Speaker
a protest with another protest, like protesting together. But anyway, so. Yeah, not against each other, together. Kind of. They were, I mean, they were against each other, but they were also protesting and counter protesting, I guess. And I was like, get back to work minors. What are you doing? Anyway, so, and that's when we meet the four horsemen. And then one of them comes in with a tank.
00:42:37
Speaker
like a big, big vat of. Poison or something or something. Yeah. He roundhouse fucking kicks it. And as soon as he roundhouse fucking kicked that thing, I'm like, I'm in, I'm like, it breaks my fucking foot. And he's like, Oh my Christ. I just roundhouse kick a fucking metal tank. Yeah. Still intact. I've shattered my foot on elbows before.
00:43:07
Speaker
Fucking, let alone a metal tank. Fucking ridiculous. Like, why would you kick? A roundhouse kick. A roundhouse kick, a metal tank. That was this. And I was in and I'm like, this is going to be great. And then we cut to like all this stuff of like prisoners near a church slash orphanage. I don't know. Those kids were like, I don't know why they were with prisoners.
00:43:34
Speaker
And the prisoners were wearing blackout garb, too. Like they're, they had their heads covered, right? Well, only David Boreanaz, because that was the big reveal was that David Boreanaz was David Boreanaz. He is in the movie motherfuckers and he's playing in the first five minutes. And so I took so many notes of this movie. I was kind of drunk and I was furious too that like, we were like,
00:44:03
Speaker
10 to 15 minutes into the movie, and the credits were still playing? I thought it was just more exposition. Those are credits? Because the exposition box was talking about. They're not talking. They just put it on. It's like a starboard. Oh, they put it on the screen. Yeah. Reading. It's like, and then it just keeps going. Yeah. And like. It doesn't stop. It's ridiculous. And then we have Tara Reid, who looks gorgeous in this movie. I'm just going to say. Absolutely stunning as she is.
00:44:33
Speaker
And at the very same, David Boreanaz always showing off his chest. But at least he wasn't homeless. Like, Roddy Piper was with the perfect everything in the first day. The perfect hair, the perfect everything. Manscaped. But yes. So there are Satanists. David Boreanaz is going to become
00:45:00
Speaker
Satan. Like the Antichrist, right? The Antichrist. But they're very traditional. Satan is very traditional. He has to get married first. Which actually takes us through three fucking acts, by the way. Oh, it does. It does. Like, oh, my God. No one heard of Vegas before. No. Got a Danish shot in five minutes. And again, it's just funny because he
00:45:28
Speaker
He's very much courting her, courting Tara Reade as a Satanist. But that was just kind of weird to me. And then I was very confused because they were talking about Aztecs. But I thought Aztecs, and I could be wrong, were not where they are in the movie. Because they kept saying it was like Aztec magic.
00:45:59
Speaker
Which I don't think is the native Americans that are in that area. I think, I think they were just rolling random dice. It's like making a pirate board character. Roa D6. Oh, Jimmy Shnooku's coconut. Nice. That's my character name. Yes. Everybody's ethnicities. I was so, so confused about Edward. Okay. I know who Edward Forlong is, is the kid from terminal two. Jimmy, Jimmy Quirville.
00:46:29
Speaker
What is he supposed to be? He looks like the... He was supposed to be, I think Latino. Latino frog brother. I think he was trying to be Latino. I think, so we get a weird flashback way later about, and I was kind of a little bit tipsy at that point, about him killing somebody else, but kind of by accident. And that was like,
00:46:58
Speaker
It was so weird. There's so many times in my notes. Like I have, I have so many notes. I have so many notes. No, those are not all your notes. Are you serious? These are all of my notes. Fucking dude. Were you drunk or on Ritalin? I told you I was a little tipsy. I was a little bit tipsy. And so I was just, I was just like going with it, man. Like,
00:47:27
Speaker
There was so much Native American flute music in this movie. So much of it, which is fine. I don't mind it, but for an action movie is kind of weird. But they even had a dance scene, which was multiple dance scenes. Apparently. I'm looking at Danny Trejo's.
00:47:47
Speaker
Pitcher and by the way, he never wrote back his agent. Oh Okay, he's he's great though. He is great. Oh Danny fields of talk So, yeah, like One other thing that I kind of felt weird about too is because this is very much in the like 90s and
00:48:11
Speaker
like Native Americans or mystical type era. So it was kind of like fetishizing the Native American, but also, oh, I should probably preface all of this by saying this is the only Crow movie I've ever seen. Now I was going to get to that because I got to know how the fuck is this Crow and I even played. Listen.
00:48:36
Speaker
I have watched a movie in the theaters. It's, I have a picture of, I think that's actually Jim Morrison that someone put the crow thing, the quote from the quote on. And it was a very cultural like zeitgeist. It was very like, you know, James O'Barr for who did the comics and the originals and
00:49:03
Speaker
I know we were talking together moody, very emo, very like dark and kind of sexy. And everybody was dressing as it for Halloween and shit. That's also a joke. Yeah, I never saw it. Um, so I only have this movie to base Crow knowledge on. We need to do another,
00:49:31
Speaker
Episode just throw movies. So I think it has something to do with the Native Americans and the crow takes your soul But if you don't like it, then he slings it back if it's really angry or whatever So sure So the love interest and this I found really weird too. I have so many thoughts about this movie. I really loved this movie I love this movie
00:50:01
Speaker
I will watch this movie again cause it made me laugh so hard. It made me laugh so hard. Um, I didn't like how they were fetishizing her blue eyes as a native American. They kept bringing that back and that like, it's good. Wow. Spirit eyes. She can see things or whatever. And that road.
00:50:24
Speaker
Two ish or maybe end of one. I can't remember. Okay. Well, we should watch crow three. I need to take this. Yeah, we got to do the curse and dance one. Um, we go backwards to the crow. Like, Oh, this is a crow one. We do a three to one for our next one. Three, two, one contact. Yeah, we could do that. Let's do that. Just do all joint movies. That means I have to watch two and three. Fuck me.
00:50:53
Speaker
In my notes, I have, holy shit, he actually, this is the Satanist. This is David Boreanaz. He has deviled eggs, deviled ham, and deviled food cake. And that is what he feeds his little minions. His little minions. And I was like, this is so stupid. He's Angel. Isn't he Angel? He's Angel. And this is, I say this in my notes, I'm like, this has to be his backstory. Cause he like, he's really like,
00:51:24
Speaker
synth wave we got in this movie. This movie came on 2005. When was Bones? When was Angel? When was... Angel was about that time. Bones is way later. No. Angel goes from 1999 to 2004. Bones starts in 2005. Are you kidding me? This happens in the gap between Angel and Bones?
00:51:47
Speaker
I wonder if his other horror movie was in the gap between Angel and Bones, too, because he did another horror movie. We should do a Boreanaz. We should do a Boreanaz thing, too. I see Buffy and Angel, really. I don't really see other really big horror movies in there. But I don't consider this a horror movie.
00:52:14
Speaker
I wrote down, that was a really, that was really stupid to get from the spirit world to this world. And I want my refund. So anyway, okay. So this, this ain't nice. They know Eddie, uh, Edward. He's no good kid. Makes you cry. Oh wait, that's right. They know him and they know the girl and they cut the girl's eyes out and they like. Kill them both. And they put them in a.
00:52:45
Speaker
old refrigerator, like the one that puts his face, crawls into in Indiana Jones. Yeah. Sadly, I knew where you're going with that. It's basically the same damn fridge. So he dies and then he's in the spirit world and she's like, nah. And the crow's like, okay, let's go back. And so that's when he becomes
00:53:10
Speaker
the crow and I lose my fucking mind. Okay. Well, there's a reason when you see the makeup and crow one, there's a reason why Brandon Lee does the makeup. I don't see any reason for terminator two kid to do this makeup. I can't see. Did you see it's crow fast. It's crow fast. What was that? What was it called? It wasn't crow fast. It was like crow in Raven Raven fast.
00:53:38
Speaker
Dude, all right, it was Raven fast. This this is we're going to fast forward because I honestly I remember this is all I remember the movie, right? I remember somehow they had made a big deal, as you said, about the four horsemen apocalypse. You know, they made a big deal about that shit and the exposition that gets crammed down your foot in on the crawl.
00:54:05
Speaker
And I didn't give a shit about Eddie for Jimmy Corvo. I didn't give a shit about him or the, I didn't care. Like, Oh, they kill some randos. Great. Whatever. I had no idea who's good. Who's bad. David's supposed to be good or bad. They was like, I'm a preacher. They kill me. I'm like, sort of, I guess. So are you the crow now? And then Tito Ortiz is in this before he was known to be a wife beater. Sorry, Tito Ortiz.
00:54:31
Speaker
I saw his face. He seems like such a fucking tool when he's fighting. Anyway, he's a fucking tool. Yeah. And when I saw his face, I'm like, who is that? He looks so from, and then I had to look it up. I'm like that fucking guy. We're the same age. Are you kidding me? No. He's aged. Well, but then again, he used to fight like a bitch anyway. But not like that.
00:55:01
Speaker
Not like a bitch. Don't use your face to block. Like a, like a classy girl. Yeah.
00:55:08
Speaker
OK, so this reveal this reveal you have that. And then you got David Brown and you got Terry is a sniper. And then he's great. Somehow you have Denny Trail and you have a crow thing. And he's like, you keep a drunk, but he's not drunk. And they're so hard trying to recreate Crow one that they took all the other pro one and said, like, let's do it shittier.
00:55:35
Speaker
Okay, and then randomly throw in Danny's real one just in case it's just so So strange like I have so many times where I'm like, I don't understand what's going on But I I will have to tell you that fucking reveal when he puts on the white makeup and he uses a Sharpie He uses a Sharpie to put the little things on his face. Yeah, and I my notes are oh my god. Oh my god. Oh
00:56:04
Speaker
His face. Oh my God. Oh, honey. My God. He's a beautiful bi girl. And he looks, he looks very bi goth, like a bi goth girl of that. He looks like Cory fucking Feldman. He looks like Cory Feldman as a frog butter brother growing up trying to be Michael Jackson.
00:56:26
Speaker
No, he looks, he looks very feminine. I feel like- Like I said, he looks like Corey Fremman, for Fries Brothers, going up to Michael Jackson. I feel like he switched his gender when he became, whatever he became.
00:56:43
Speaker
I don't know, man. And it became very emo because he just kept asking. He's just like, I just want to die. He just keeps saying that over and over. I think the movie was saying that. I just want to die, man. This is a nightmare. I'm a monster. I just want to die. And he just flings himself at people. That's his power. Yeah. And he asks me what the crow's power is. It's to fling himself at people and then get the shit beat out of him.
00:57:11
Speaker
So it's basically a fucking passionate, passionate. So this is IMDB from Todd Baldrige trying to piece the storyline together. Jimmy Corville is a down on his luck ex con, of course, and a polluted mining town on a reservation that would run him out of town, if not remain in for his probation. The fuck already, right?
00:57:32
Speaker
With his time nearly finished, he plans to start a new life with his girlfriend, Lily, and leave the town for good. But Luke Crash, a lower barn, had up a local gang, a head of local gang and local Satanists, because you have to be both, who murdered Jimmy and Lily in a really realistic, realistic, ritualistic slang. Reading's hard for me today. That they- You're doing great. Good job. Well, conjure the rebirth of the Antichrist.
00:57:58
Speaker
It's like IMDB just got shit on by AI. But this Todd actually is doing this movie justice. This is what the movie's about. When the legend of the crow returns Jimmy from the dead, Jimmy heads to out to one man path of vengeance that lead him to El Nino. Because that was a thing back then, by the way. Okay. Holy shit. Dennis Hopper. We have not even gotten to Dennis Hopper. I think I texted you like box. I'm almost with the movie. Where the fuck's Dennis Hopper?
00:58:28
Speaker
Yes, you did. And when he came out and was acting like, again, what is the race? What are we doing? He was acting like a caricature of a black pimp. It was the weirdest shit I have ever seen in my entire goddamn life. It may be.
00:58:53
Speaker
I could not even describe to you and Macy gray as his like second in command. Oh yeah. I heard that was there by kind of blot that shit out. No, Macy gray's there. Like I can't even, my brain is broken. It really is because this is just, it was just insanity.
00:59:19
Speaker
This was so bad. I had to Google through things. When did Dennis Hopper die? And did he have a drug problem? I couldn't figure out like, okay, so he was still alive. He wasn't like trying to make money for the end of his life. No, he's died of cancer at two or five. But I'm like, did he maybe have a drug problem that he needed to pay for with this movie? Because I can't figure out. I'm not saying he's a drug. I have no idea. No, I feel like,
00:59:48
Speaker
He was just near the set or something. And he's like, Oh, this could be fun. This could be fun. Can I play it however I want? And the director's like, sure, go ahead. He's like, well, there's a lot of prostitutes around here. I guess I'll play a pimp. And, um, I feel like, okay, so I have quotes from the wedding scene.
01:00:18
Speaker
So this is, this is Dennis Hopper. I now pronounce you devil and his shorty. Yes. And then she says, I love you, Lucifer. And then he goes, Dennis Hopper says, well, kiss the bride, motherfucker. Yes. I sadly remember that. This is like PTSD for me, but. Yeah. So good. So good.
01:00:46
Speaker
I can't, I'm sorry. This is so many, so many notes. This is horrible. It's so, so much. I mean, it looks like an eighties music video with a punk lesbian group at the end. It's just so good. And here's the thing, man. I want to say that acting is good of us. Not always. Oh, it's, it's not good.
01:01:16
Speaker
It is not good. They were not giving good direction. I don't think that's what other people are saying. It's not so much. These are all talented actors. Like, well, these are all incredible. We got David. Danny. These are all, uh, even Edward furlong. Sorry. I really liked him in a movie called stitches, which was really, really indeed. He's a good actor. He is, I feel like,
01:01:45
Speaker
the director of this movie, which I did look it up and like, did he do a lot of these types? No, he did a lot of weird type movies. So I feel like he was just kind of given what he was given. I just went with it. But oh man. Yeah, this movie is, is a doozy. Yeah. Mad Hamlet IMDB pretty much says, well, David Barnes, it's not given much room to basically act. And I don't think none of them were. Except for Dennis Hopkins. Oh no.
01:02:14
Speaker
Yeah, no, all of them, Danny Trey, how, like nobody knew what the fuck they were doing. They didn't see a script. They could. It's like they all had different versions of the script. I feel like they did. And like David Boreanaz, when he becomes Satan or like the Antichrist, he goes like full 11. He goes like, yeah. Oh, Danny. No, he becomes like a weird, like, I don't know, because even Tara reads, like,
01:02:44
Speaker
I don't know if I want to stay married. We're going to rule the world, not burn it up. And here's, this is where it goes weird for me. If IMDB says, Norman Partridge as a writer in parentheses inspiration. So like he inspired this movie. How the fuck do you inspire writing a movie? Cause I'm James O'Barr.
01:03:06
Speaker
creates the crow, and James O'Barr's name is just tagged on the light. I just, I hope, I didn't ask him. I hope it's just more of a forever crow movie has to have James' name because he creates all the fucking world and the characters and the mythos. I think that's the whole thing right there. And then Lance Munjia is part of the writing crew.
01:03:31
Speaker
So, six string samurai, yeah. Six string samurai, I can talk. Crow and garden for real. Did he write the line, quotes, The Raven Nevermore, motherfucker? I think. Who gave us that line? That's a thing, man. It's so sad. This is just. Okay, so since this is my first Crow movie. Yeah.
01:04:01
Speaker
I have a, I have some questions. Do all crows lack motivation and energy? No, just this one, man. Okay. Do all crows like have random slow motion scenes? Not that I'm aware, although hold on. Crow one has some different scenes because Brennan Lee dies before they're done filming it. Yeah. So they have to get creative the camera. Okay.
01:04:28
Speaker
Do crows usually spit in the face of their enemies like this one? Blood maybe, but only if they're like on the big downside. Those are easy. So basically, no, that's not a cool movie. I think this is what happens. I'm looking more into it. Norman Partridge wrote the novel.
01:04:51
Speaker
Crow wicked, apparently. I don't know. And James, apparently James, and I can actually, I'll confirm this if I remember later on because he creates the crow gets tagged on all these fucking movies. So he read the guy named screenplay. I was kind of incensed a little bit. That's,
01:05:14
Speaker
Can I spoil this movie? I mean, Oh, fuck him. I think it's already passed his due date. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I was kind of incensed that he kills David Boreanaz's character. Like he would have vampied. He stakes him. Yeah. You did. You did not watch this whole movie. The last part I remember was
01:05:39
Speaker
Two things. One, a dude with dynamite strapped around his body somehow is fighting without the realization is like the crows got like some kind of like the torture is going like just like the fucker on fire. He's going to blow up. You have a torch. That was such a great scene.
01:05:57
Speaker
Yeah, he has dynamite. That's when David Boreanaz becomes the Antichrist and kisses Tara Reid and then the windows of stained glass blow up. Sure. Yes. Yes. But the other thing I remember is Danny Trejo dancing. I want to assume naked. I didn't see a pen down, but I know it was pants. He had pants. He was topless. He was topless. I remember that scene and I was like, yeah,
01:06:26
Speaker
What the actual, again, I watched this. You don't miss so much. You don't miss so much. I watched this after watching Passion of the Christ. Okay, I wonder. Fast forward to the Kung Fu movie. So by that time. I wonder, because I rented this. I wasn't high enough. I wasn't high enough. No, I don't think you were. I don't think you were. I rented this movie. Maybe I rented the director's cut, which I don't.
01:06:51
Speaker
No, there's a lot that goes on afterwards. He kills him vampire style. Again, there's a stake coming out. Then he has a very intimate moment, the crow does, whispering into the face of the villain, which I thought was weird. It says a poem, which I thought that was cool.
01:07:12
Speaker
That is crowish. But again, Brendan Lee's character was like a magician actor. It's to fit his character, but I don't think it fits. It doesn't fit this in any way. Um, and then there's a song at the end, which is kind of pretty, but it kind of reminded me, I used to have the sailor moon soundtrack. That was the American version soundtrack. And so all the songs were like really.
01:07:41
Speaker
cheesy, 90s-ish kind of lame music. And this could have absolutely been on that soundtrack. And I'm surprised Macy Gray didn't do a song for it. You would think that that would have... I think she was like, she stumbled into the fucking film with Dennis Hopper going,
01:08:01
Speaker
Fuck, I'm in this film? She's done horror films. She's done phobias. She did phobias. Okay, I'm gonna sum this up. This is from Danny Trejo's character to Jimmy Carvo. Jimmy Carvo was like, she believed in you. She believed in all of you. And Trejo was like, she believed in... I'm not gonna do this voice. She believed in fairy tales. Who were you telling me what she believed in? And Carvo goes,
01:08:28
Speaker
I'm a fairy fucking godfather. That's going to say you're very fucking tail tails. Yes. That's the movie's catchphrase. That should be on the fucking poster to as a warning sign not to see this fucking movie. I wrote that one. That's right. And this movie is going to get beautiful.
01:08:47
Speaker
That's the best writing this book is going to get. Dennis Hopper playing, calling people homey and shorties. Shorties very naturally, by the way. So naturally it's seamless. It's seamless. It's like he just discovered the word shorty. Well, look at it as props to you, Mr. OG, and thanks for representing all the homeboys. You'll be your homey now forever more. Fuck me, man.
01:09:16
Speaker
It was insanity. Okay. So again, I could go on about this movie forever. Um, but I don't think the listeners would know. So, so what do you, what are your last thoughts on this? And what's your rating? Honest to Christ. My only thought because this got burned to my mind. Passion of the Christ. Oh man. Uh,
01:09:50
Speaker
Danny Trejo half naked. Dancing around a dead bird. Dancing around a dead bird. In slow motion. In slow motion. Chanting was supposed to be an Indian gent? I don't know. I don't even fucking know. That and the Dennis Hopper thing I think happened at the same time in my mind.
01:10:10
Speaker
But I know they didn't, but in my mind, this is the same frame. And Tara Reid being the sniper, it should have ended with her shooting David Baroness in the fucking head and being done with it all. The movie stops two minutes in. We're all good. She, she did. She does have a redemption arc though. And she does survive. She does. She gets arrested. Yeah. There should be a part six.
01:10:40
Speaker
But she looks like, okay. Ever seen Beastmaster or Harkinger? No. You should. But she looks like she could fit in that movie because the hair's all, you're right, it's like 80s fucking, almost like a metal video that went far too long.
01:10:57
Speaker
Oh, absolutely. And like the makeup, like it's just so on point. It's beautiful. It's not on point for 2005. Honestly, when you told me 2005, I'm like, absolutely not. This feels like a movie from 1999. No, this movie came out a year after Passion of Christ. Yeah. I don't even know what to say to that. Yeah. No, it's, it's horrific. It feels like it was written in the seventies.
01:11:28
Speaker
and then filmed in the late nineties. Fucking mind. All right. I'm going to give this a two. One point for Danny Trejo and one point for Tara Reed. And I'm like, maybe two point two for, for David Brown's, but God, I just can't man. I can understand that. No, I understand. There's a lot of,
01:11:57
Speaker
Everything, like nothing made sense. Nothing, not a damn thing. The book came out five years previous, in 2000. Which, damn. Okay, so again, it is not a good film. This isn't a good film by any stretch of the imagination. They did the best that they could with it.
01:12:22
Speaker
the story, the plot. Honestly, I wonder if some of it was like in editing too, like did things get cut? Was there studio involvement that made it shitty? I want to say no. I think this is a shitty movie, dude. I mean, it's a shitty movie, but it could be a variety of maybe reasons of why it's shitty. To me, though,
01:12:50
Speaker
I had such a fun time watching this. I was crying, laughing at some point, especially when they start fighting and he can't fight. He just throws himself at people. The choreography of fighting was so horrendous. They could not actually show body shots because it looked so bad and awkward. They had to like
01:13:16
Speaker
have close-up shots and fights, which is not how you do that. You got paper fighting and you're a cast. You had a fucking fighter in your cast. Is he though? Is Teeta Ortiz actually? No, I give him shit, but he's a decent fighter. He's fine. I suppose. But I mean, you know. He's like 35 and all against girls. Oh, allegedly. Actually, I think that doesn't mean allegedly. I'm pretty sure that Jenna Jameson abuse.
01:13:45
Speaker
his public record. Oh man. Well, he's a tool anyway. He was always a tool in fights. He was never a good sportsman, but anyway, I know he's got arrested on reportedly on a failing domestic violence charge. Oh man. Well, maybe it's a good thing. He didn't actually fight, but
01:14:08
Speaker
I'm just going to say through the whole thing, through all the bizarre choices of ethnicities and story and plots and writing, I had such a good time. I'm going to give it a four. I'm going to give it a four. Yeah. Give me the four. Yeah, because it's crow four. Um, again, if people, if people want
01:14:33
Speaker
to watch a movie with their friends, have, you know, a drinking night or whatever. This is a great movie for it because it just falls to the walls, just insanity. And it's, it's very precious for that. So yeah, I'm just thinking about 2.5. That's fine. You can, you can stick to that. Um,
01:14:58
Speaker
I just had, I had a great time. I had a great time watching Easter, Bloody Easter and this. Um, I had fun. All right. Well, you know what? Next time we'll do all three crows, the other three crows. Okay. The crow. I'm going to watch them. Let's do it. And I'm going to watch them in the order of three, two, three, two, one. Why not? So I can learn all about the crow and what the crow is and what it means. Well, the original story,
01:15:28
Speaker
You can't tell me because I have to, I have to watch it for myself. I'll save it. I'll save it when I do the podcast, but I'll say this, I'll say this. Okay. The original story, the crow does make me cry. Yeah. And I imagine so because I hear it's this incredibly moving and sympathetic character. Um, and then Eddie for long was just,
01:15:55
Speaker
Oh, I meant the comic book. I mean, I meant the concept of comic, but the movie is actually pretty good too. But okay. All right. So we split on this one a bit. All
Product Recommendations
01:16:04
Speaker
right, box. What's your plug? My plug. My plug is going to be, and I've plugged them a long time ago, but I'm going to plug them again. It's going to be earth berry apothecary. And I'm going to say that again. Yeah, I do too.
01:16:20
Speaker
It's Earth, Berry, Apothecary, and Apothecary is A-P-O-T-H-E-C-A-R-Y. And they, she does candles, she does soaps. The candles are my favorite. She just came out with a whole new spring line. And I just bought me some. And- And the promo code is Freeman Beemans.
01:16:43
Speaker
And yeah, we don't have a promo code with her, but she does have a lot of cool stuff. She's got body butters, soaps, freeing downloads, and she creates these little cute characters that go onto each one of her candles. And it has a little story about them too. So I definitely say check it out. The candles are really great. They smell beautiful. Um, there's one that's a rain smell, which is one of my favorites. Um,
01:17:13
Speaker
So you can go to earthburyapothecary.com that that again, that's earthburyapothecary.com and get yourself some meditation, you know, candles, the entire thing, E R T H E A R T H, but B U or B E R R Y. Oh, sorry. B E R R Y. And then apothecary apothecary apothecary mother, good mother motherfucker, as he would say.
01:17:42
Speaker
I think if you get $25, I think you get free shipping within the US, I believe. That is pretty cool. And I don't mean the guy from Green Day. Well, maybe I do. Maybe you do. I can see that. I can see that. And you know what? We've been talking for a long time. I've been doing back to back. So I've been drinking liquid IV and it does help out a bit with their new flavor. Blood of Christ.
01:18:11
Speaker
It's the blood of Christ flavor because apparently Apparently it can hydrate you and your soul Yeah, I've been sitting on that job for a minute
Spring Shivers Event Promotion
01:18:34
Speaker
It's Ravenfest, my dude. Ravenfest, we all do it once in a while. No, my real, my real thing is, it's near and dear in my heart. I call, today I call them the Blumhouse of TV. The T and E channel's annual Spring Shivers programming event unveils a spooktacular must-see TV lineup, including new season, the hit paranormal series, Haunted Hospital, season five. Wow.
01:19:00
Speaker
And that's April 1st to the 7th, over 150 hours. We've got things you'd like to actually, the things you told me to watch, like she's fucking fine. Celebrity help, social media murder, close encounters, all that and more, gold rush, history's most haunted, ghost hunters, all spooky, spooky, scary, scary stuff. And with doing my McMcGee voice, if you want to see more of the hospital season five, it's April 5th.
01:19:30
Speaker
I shouldn't do it a voice you can hear now. You're like going really hard with that. Yeah, you want to do Mickey E? Yeah. I got that from this dentist. That's how I got my advice from Mickey E. I came back from the dentist talking like, what's the worst voice I can do from a dentist? That's why I'm right here. I love it so much. I always do voices that destroy my vocal cords. I think that's my range. That's the only like in either direction. Oh, it's going to destroy something. Yeah.
01:20:00
Speaker
But April 5th, that's, we're going to be dropping the first episode of haunted hospital season five, 10 PM Eastern Pacific ET go home and watch it right there. And we actually have a what's cracking back to back what's cracking.
01:20:15
Speaker
Well, next week coming out with two of the stars of haunted hospital season five, Megan Kim on separate episodes. Of course, all of that and more on the next. Oh wait, no. Check it out. Yeah. Do check out TNE at teeny hospital, teeny spring shivers programming, 150 hours. And I'll tell you a box that haunted hospital season five scared the shit out of me. The screener.
01:20:45
Speaker
Yeah, it has kids in it. Oh, well, that would die dead kids. Oh, that's even worse. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Podcast Wrap-up and Farewell
01:20:54
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. It's scary. It's scary as fuck. That's my plug because of course they want to be on the blood of Christ liquid IV episode because nothing says like, Oh fuck. And I, they had to listen to an hour 20 in the program to get that far. Love you guys. We're, we're, we're glad that you're still here. Yup. Yup. Yup.
01:21:15
Speaker
Well, that's what it's for me on behalf of myself, Jim Phoenix and my co-host box human like subscribe banas. I don't know. Until next time, y'all. Happy Easter, y'all. Remember. Happy Easter. You have to kill a zombie through the head and the only way to kill a zombie through a head is through that one little rooster juice.
01:21:45
Speaker
Uh, that's, you know, it can if you want to. It's kind of fleshy minced. Oh, that's right. I like this one. I'm not going to do it. No? No. Are you sure?
01:22:16
Speaker
Yeah. This time I will. I want to do the cat. Okay. I hear a cat.