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Confessions of a Professional Ghoster
158 Plays1 year ago
Let's talk about ghosting. We'll explore the reasons behind why individuals choose to ghost, and what is really considered ghosting in the first place. This particular episode has been a topic I've hesitated to address for quite some time, as I had to admit I'm someone who does the ghosting. Nevertheless, the time has come to embark on this discussion. So, without further ado, let's dive right in!
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Transcript
Introduction to Ghosting Dilemma
00:00:19
Speaker
Hey guys, so welcome to today's podcast. It's been a minute since I sat down by myself to talk about a topic here on the pod, so I'm very happy. Today, we are going to be talking about a topic that I have been dodging for the longest time. It's a popular topic, but just something that I never wanted to talk about because I know, like, amount of judgment that I would receive, but
00:00:49
Speaker
Since I'm calling this podcast mental health self-improvement podcast, I feel like it's something I have to do at one point. So I'm going to man up and talk about it ghosting. So
Personal Experience with Ghosting
00:01:01
Speaker
first thing first, I was except I am a big ghoster and that's a word.
00:01:08
Speaker
Or I would just say, I am literally the definition of ghosting. I am the epitome of ghosting. I ghost quite a lot and I have done, I've ghosted a lot of people in the past. Do I do now? Probably a lot less than
00:01:28
Speaker
Before but I have but I just feel like I have definitely learned so much from that from my ghosting experiences No, I would say like oh my god. I have I Talked more openly now communicate more openly honestly No, but I come to like a more Healthier place but there is not I want to talk about this is because first
Clarifying True Ghosting
00:01:57
Speaker
I
00:01:57
Speaker
I want to say there are many occasions or instances that I think people say they have been ghosted, but in reality, I wouldn't consider it as ghosting. I'm going to get into those examples and instances, but I just wanted to say that like that's not necessarily the case. But also I think because I am the person who usually ghost people,
00:02:27
Speaker
I can tell from my perspective that that is not necessarily ghosting. I'm going to call myself professional ghoster. Again, that's probably not a word, but I'm just saying that like from my side of it, I wouldn't necessarily consider that as ghosting, but I'm going to get into that in a minute. There are some certain circumstances that I don't think they're considered ghosting. There are other
00:02:54
Speaker
Examples for it, but there are also some reasons that might why some people might ghost you that I'm gonna get into it and biggest reason that I ghost that I'm gonna get into it and lastly I'm gonna explain why at the end of the day it doesn't really matter so much because I think we are just giving too much thought into it and I think It's just not that deep again, this is coming from someone who goes people and
00:03:23
Speaker
So always take it as a grain of salt in my opinion, okay? Don't comment me in the comments. Don't comfort me. That was my disclosure.
Sponsor Break: Min Mobile
00:03:32
Speaker
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Speaker
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Speaker
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Speaker
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Defining Ghosting
00:04:49
Speaker
Let's describe what ghosting is. In case you don't know, but I'm sure you guys know, but let's just get into it real quick. Ghosting is a term that's described when someone suddenly cuts up all the communication
00:05:00
Speaker
is another person, typically without any explanation or a warning. So essentially like you are blindsided, that you are like what's going on, what happened. Now before we get into why some people would ghost you, what are some of the reasons, let me tell you some instances that I was just talking about, like they are not necessarily considered ghosting.
Ghosting vs. Lack of Interest
00:05:27
Speaker
Number one, I think
00:05:33
Speaker
Any business partnership or any sort of like, I don't know, like you had like coffee with the person once. Nothing romantic. This is completely platonic or just like business kind of relationship, business deal. And they didn't like text you the next day or next week from whatever. You even followed up and didn't respond. I wouldn't necessarily consider that as ghosting because
00:06:00
Speaker
something didn't click okay just didn't work out that's okay just let it go you know what i mean like let it go like why are you pushing it so much yes i feel like i know comparing to european culture because i'm from
00:06:16
Speaker
My family is European, so I know how it works in Europe. In Europe, we never follow up, especially in business relationships. When you follow up multiple times about something, people find me super annoying and rude, so don't ever do that in Europe. But in the US, people are like, oh, you want this. You are really interested in this. Yes. But in occasions when someone doesn't respond to you after second or third time,
00:06:40
Speaker
Even after the second time, I'm like, let it go. They're definitely not interested. But from a business side of it, and you just met them once for coffee and you were talking about a project and it didn't follow up, even you followed after a while, I wouldn't necessarily consider ghosting. It's just, you thought that that was going somewhere. In their head, it didn't go somewhere. I feel like sometimes that they want something so bad, they think that the vibe is there and it's going so well.
00:07:09
Speaker
In reality though, it might not be going so well. You know what I mean? I'm just saying, like it might not be. Another occasion, very similar. Like if you went on a date with someone once, twice, even three times, like just saying, and they did not respond to you after, or they just didn't text you at all,
00:07:34
Speaker
or you're the only one who's initiating it and you waited like, you're like, oh, let me see if they're going to text me. And they never did. I want to consider that ghosting. They're literally sending you a message that they're not that interested. I just feel like that's because that's such an early stages of their relationship. They don't owe you an explanation. Like they don't owe you anything honestly.
00:07:59
Speaker
Like you don't, they don't have to tell you that like they are not that they are not interested in you. I think I get it. Sometimes some people literally need to hear that. Like they legit need to hear that. Like, Oh my God, I am not that into you or I'm not interested in you. I just feel like, again, coming from someone who does ghosting,
00:08:20
Speaker
they don't need to tell you like I just feel like why do you have to hear literally that like I am not into you I'm not interested in you like that's just so much it's like they're already giving me the message get the message leave like don't think about it another one uh again some people consider that as ghosting on dating apps or even on instagram right let's just say you are talking to someone very short period of time and they don't respond to you
00:08:49
Speaker
and you wait, wait, wait, they don't respond to you. You're like, oh, I've been ghosted by this person on Instagram or by this person on Hinge or Tinder or whatever. You're not, like you weren't because it wasn't serious. You just started talking. If you haven't, especially even met this person, it's like, no, I think you are giving way too much thought into this and they're not that interested. They're not that invested.
00:09:15
Speaker
And when they don't respond, again, they are giving you a message that they're not interested. But because you're like, oh no, they should have told me that they're not interested in you. I'm like, what were you expecting? It's like this. You don't know a person. Again, this person is like you haven't even met this person. Technically, you guys are strangers. Just saying.
00:09:38
Speaker
you're expecting a stranger to tell you that they are not interested in you. Like, I think sometimes this is what I would say. People think that like, oh, because they don't tell you anything or they didn't say anything, that there's no message behind that, like they're ghosting. There is a message behind that. When someone is not sending you a message or reaching out,
00:10:06
Speaker
that is automatically sending you essentially a message that they are not interested or they are this whole thing is not working out. I think sometimes silence speaks a lot louder than actual words of saying I'm not interested in you. Like I think it's very clear to me many occasions
00:10:27
Speaker
that I have done this technique I'm serious like I have never reached out to the guy because I was like oh like I was the one only reaching out and like I'm just gonna let it go and see if he's interested he never texted me he never reached out and I think one time I ever sent a message no response back
00:10:43
Speaker
Would I say like that was cool? Say I'm like, no, because it was not that serious and I got the message that he's not interested. Him not sending a message. I'm like, yeah, he's not interested. I get it. But I think some of you guys, I'm just saying, and it's not just you guys. Like I know some people, even in my family that they legit need to hear the word. They're like, I need a closure.
00:11:03
Speaker
Guess what I think unless something is super serious You're in like a two three years relationship or even like six months three months relationship. I get it. That's like something commitment That's your time. Like you don't want to waste your time. I get that in that case
00:11:18
Speaker
After three months, six months, or whatever the long relationship you had, someone is ghosting you, or someone is not responding to you, I get that. Yes, that is completely considered ghosting. But in occasions like this, that's not ghosting. You guys are literally strangers, and you're expecting a stranger to give you an explanation. News flash, they don't owe you an explanation.
00:11:47
Speaker
especially on social media I'm just saying just because you like someone so much does not mean that they like you back and like just because some conversation was going does that mean that it was gonna go anywhere and like then you're like oh my god like don't make yourself the victim that's what I'm trying to say that like I've been ghosted no you haven't
00:12:07
Speaker
It was just not working out. Sometimes I feel like we make scenarios in our head that like, oh, it was going so well. But can you just like look at it more deeply and analyze, be like, was it really going so well or was I just making that in my head? I don't know. Sometimes I do that too. I'm not saying I don't, but I'm just saying like, and it's us who's making that happen. So.
00:12:33
Speaker
Anyways, these are some of the instances that I would say they're absolutely, it's absolutely not ghosting. They're clearly sending me a message that they're not interested in you and I think because they're not giving you an actual proper response, that was already kind of a response, it's not ghosting.
Reasons for Ghosting
00:12:50
Speaker
Now the reasons. Number one, this is the one I am very guilty of, like nine out of 10 when I ghost, this is the reason why I ghost.
00:13:00
Speaker
I'm just like really not confrontational person and I just sometimes I just can't have uncomfortable conversations. But let me go back to that like confrontation. I'm just not that person. I would rather jump with a cliff.
00:13:24
Speaker
I know this was very extreme to say then confront someone like I just not that kind of person think of me like marry from selling sunset whenever there's an argument going on right or someone needs to say something someone needs to confront I would be like mm-hmm mm-hmm
00:13:47
Speaker
I'm out of this. I'm exiting from this conversation. Let's table this another time. That's me. That's literally me. So, yes, 9 out of 10 when I feel like something is not going well in the relationship, in the friendship, everything, honestly. And I'm like, do I really want to tell them that I don't want to do this or I'm not interested or I don't want to work with you? No, I don't. So I just don't respond.
00:14:16
Speaker
I have definitely gotten much better in this occasion, especially in my business. Usually now I'm just like, again, if I have time, that's a different story. But if I don't have time, I usually don't respond. But if they are so persistent in responding and I'm just like, sorry, not interested, I will say that. But when it comes to friendships and relationships, relationships, a hundred percent, I will most likely ghost. That is a hundred percent possible. Again,
00:14:46
Speaker
Short-term. Anything long-term, I feel like I've come to a place that I would probably have a conversation. Friendships. If you are very dear to me, there is a very 100% chance that I would rather ghost than confront you. Because I'm gonna get into that reason, but it would be hard for me to have that uncomfortable conversation. Now, let's move on to second, which is I was gonna say now.
00:15:13
Speaker
Fear of hurting someone's feelings. This is especially true, not so much with my romantic relationships, but more with my friendships, like platonic relationships. With my friends, I value my friends quite a lot. If I consider you my friend, I legit consider you my friend. And if something is not working out,
00:15:38
Speaker
I wouldn't want to have that conversation because it's uncomfortable, but also I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings because 9 out of 10, sometimes the way I express myself and I'm not trying to justify it, it can come off rude or mean, which is not my intention, but it could come off like that. I even sometimes do that with my sisters, happens.
00:16:06
Speaker
Again, not justifying, but I'm just saying, hence I would rather not mention it at all and hoping that it resolves itself. Again, not a good response. Or I would just ghost. Like, that would just be it. I'm like, oh, this friendship is not working. I would try to not respond, respond less and less, then eventually not respond at all, hence ghosting. And that kind of ends the relationship. I mean, friendship for me.
00:16:36
Speaker
Yes, it sounds very immature, I can't see that, but I'm just saying that I would rather not hurt my friend's feelings. I know it's gonna hurt them like this as well, but I feel like this hurts less in my head. Maybe it still hurts the same, but in my head it hurts way less. 3.
Impact and Misunderstandings
00:16:59
Speaker
This isn't more true when it comes to my romantic relationships. And also most people who goes to lack of interest or investment, like meaning like they're just not that interested in you. And what I was mentioning in the beginning, they're like, yeah, sometimes they lose interest. Like, yes, after the third date and stuff, like I was just mentioning, that's not really considered dating. But like, even like after a couple weeks or months, right? Dating and they go soon. Yeah, I get it.
00:17:28
Speaker
they didn't respond and you wasted your time, you did this, right? But yes, that is considered ghosting, that's for sure I would say that because it's considered like somewhat short-term relationship. But it is kind of also showing you that like they're just not interested. Very recent thing I had, I wouldn't necessarily call it like a relationship, but something that was going on on an ongoing basis. But then I realized that like,
00:17:56
Speaker
Oh, like I feel like I think I am the one putting too much effort into this. Let me see if he would. And he didn't. He did not send in a message. Nothing. And I'm like, Oh, this is it. Like I'm like, I get the message that he lost interest and that's okay. Right? Like people lose interest all the time. I think sometimes we are just like trying to be like, Oh my God, ghosting is so bad. Like ghosting is like so immature. Like people should be more honest than like,
00:18:25
Speaker
open, be more open when it comes to communicating. Get it? I totally get that. Like, yes, communication is super important, but I just feel like everyone has a different way of communicating. You cannot expect everyone to communicate the same way. Just saying.
00:18:42
Speaker
Not trying to justify, but just trying to say that. Because I think, like, my sisters, like, some of them, like, well, one of my two sisters, I don't know why I said some of them, one of my sister, she's, well, actually, they're both Pisces, so never mind. They are, they're both very, like, they communicate very openly. And sometimes in a way that they are super, super open. I am not so much, as I am talking about this topic,
00:19:11
Speaker
I am not like that. Actually, a lot of guys are not like that. Yes, there are some guys that are open about their communications, about what they want and everything, which I get, but I don't know. I'm just not that person. I ghost, but at least I feel like it's ghosting. I'm sending you a message that I'm not interested rather than saying to your face that I'm not interested because
00:19:37
Speaker
First, because it's such an uncomfortable conversation, I feel like I would literally be sweating writing that text message, or I would literally ask AI to write a text message for me about that and be like, I'm not interested. It's just not for me. Especially if I have to have that conversation in person, I would literally die. Like, literally, I would be sweating, like, turning red, like, not it. You see, right? Like, I get it. Sometimes you have to be
00:20:05
Speaker
uncomfortable to make certain decisions, but I'm just saying like you should also accept that this might be some people's way of communicating. Lastly, this is one of the reasons that people put it, but I would say out of all the reasons I have ghost people, like maybe 10, actually not even 10%, maybe 5%,
00:20:29
Speaker
is this was the reason that I ghosted, but maybe 5%. But 95% I ghosted for all the other reasons I just mentioned. People could be busy or overwhelmed. Yes, there have been times, I've been very, very honest, that I didn't do it on purpose. Like I read the message or I was like, yeah, I will get back to you, that I never did.
00:20:52
Speaker
It wasn't necessarily on purpose. And this happened a couple of times in college, a couple of times in grad school or other times. I just legit just got dizzy and just never responded. I honestly forgot that they thought I'd ousted them. Um, and I'm trying to remember like, like, I'm like, what was there asking? Cause I don't remember honestly. Uh, but I'm just saying like, just like it was never on purpose, but that was literally maybe 5% of the reasons. Everything else I just mentioned, like,
00:21:20
Speaker
Was avoiding confront confronting someone I like I don't want to hurt their feelings or like I just lost interest But I didn't want to tell to their face. I Get it. Like those are the reasons that I mostly said it But like this last one was like maybe like not even 5% maybe like 2% Because even if I have been busy, I usually never ghost people Unless that's my intention because if I'm ghosting someone that's most likely
00:21:48
Speaker
like 90, actually 99% is my intention. But there have been few occasions, very, very few occasions that I have ghosted someone because I was busy. Now let me just paraphrase this and end this ghosting episode because I feel like I'm already hating myself for talking about this.
Taking Ghosting Personally
00:22:10
Speaker
I want to say that I think, yes,
00:22:13
Speaker
It is important to have open, honest conversation with people, for sure, 100%. If you can communicate that openly,
00:22:23
Speaker
good for you, you're super mature, go for it. But just because someone is ghosting you, don't internalize this and think that like that is all on you because you are less of a person, you're not as great, you suck at this, you suck at that. Like it's not about you. I just feel like it's just like the vibe is off or like
00:22:46
Speaker
it was just not the match like it didn't work out i feel like we internalized it so much thinking like oh my god it must be my fault maybe i'm not that kind of person or i'm not that great no like you must be a great person it's just like you're in a great match i feel like we never think about this sometimes like you could be a great person you could literally be like the hottest person
00:23:11
Speaker
the richest person, the kindest person, but you might not be a match with everyone. That's the case.
00:23:20
Speaker
I don't think you should like correlate that ghosting is equal to you being a lesser person or like being a less valued person because that's not that it just means that like it wasn't a match and that's end of the scenario like seriously anyways guys I wanted to end it on that note and make this brief episode talking about ghosting and hope this made sense
00:23:44
Speaker
from a professional ghoster to why someone ghosts other people. Hopefully that made sense and hopefully you guys understand my case of point. If you guys like this episode, please don't forget to subscribe or give a thumbs up on YouTube and all the other podcasts. Definitely subscribe and like, leave a review. Reviews help tremendously. So if you're listening to this on Spotify, definitely leave reviews.
00:24:13
Speaker
I have a lot of my listeners coming from Spotify so that would be greatly appreciated and I'll see you guys next week. This is another episode. This is a guest.