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S3E8 Who?! From Research to Reality: Kolleen's Surrogacy Journey
53 Plays1 month ago
Summary
In this episode of Me, You, & Who?!, Kolleen shares her inspiring story of becoming a surrogate, offering insights into her motivations, the importance of trust with intended parents, and the emotional journey from transfer day to delivery. She reflects on her family’s supportive role, the emotional highs and lows of pregnancy, and the challenges of navigating postpartum recovery. Kolleen also highlights the significance of a strong support network, including her intended parents and doula, and shares valuable advice for both prospective surrogates and intended parents. Her journey has even led to a career change inspired by her surrogacy experience, adding yet another layer to her incredible story.
Takeaways
-Kolleen felt called to surrogacy since high school.
-Researching agencies was crucial to finding a legitimate option.
-Building a connection with intended parents is essential.
-Medical screenings help establish trust and safety.
-The matching process can be unpredictable but rewarding.
-Transfer day is a significant milestone in the journey.
-Family support plays a vital role in the surrogacy experience.
-Communication with intended parents fosters a strong bond.
-Pregnancy brings both excitement and challenges.
-Surrogacy can change perspectives on family and parenthood.
-Delivery day was surreal and emotional for everyone involved.
-Having a doula provided essential support during labor.
-Bonding with intended parents was a significant part of the journey.
-Post-delivery emotions felt like holding a best friend's baby.
-Navigating hormonal changes after delivery can be challenging.
-Maintaining relationships with intended parents is important post-delivery.
-Trusting your gut is crucial when matching with intended parents.
-Doulas can provide non-judgmental support and education.
-Kolleen's experience inspired her to become a doula and support others.
Links
Recommended
Transcript
Colleen's Journey into Surrogacy
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi, everyone, and welcome to Me, You, and Who. In this episode, I'm joined by Colleen, who shares her inspiring journey into surrogacy, from a spark of interest in high school to the emotional and physical realities of becoming a surrogate.
00:00:16
Speaker
Colleen walks us through each step from researching agencies and building trust with the intended parents to the unforgettable moments of transfer day and delivery. She also discusses the essential support from family, friends, and doulas that helped her along the way.
00:00:32
Speaker
Tune in as Colleen reflects on the powerful connections she formed and the life-changing insights she gained, including a new career inspired by her surrogacy journey.
00:00:43
Speaker
Enjoy.
Whitney Hall: From Surrogate to Coordinator
00:00:45
Speaker
Me, you, and who? Who knew it would take more than two people to have a baby? In a world where infertility is no longer a taboo topic, this podcast will take you through all of the different aspects of surrogacy and egg donation through the lens of many who walk this journey in different ways.
00:01:05
Speaker
My name is Whitney Hall, and I am a two-time surrogate now turned surrogacy coordinator for egg donor and surrogate solutions. the very agency I used when I chose to carry for two amazing families.
00:01:19
Speaker
With this podcast, it is our goal to help guide and support you as you learn about what it takes to grow a family in an alternative way, as well as hear inspiring and beautiful stories of how this path has changed lives forever. We can't wait for you to hear about just one more way happy families are created every day.
The Seed of Surrogacy: High School Inspiration
00:01:42
Speaker
Hi Colleen, I'm so glad you're here. ah hi Yay! am so excited to talk to you about your journey and I'm just so pumped that you want to share your story. But let's go like just way back, let's dive in What even made you explore surrogacy in the first place?
00:02:04
Speaker
Honestly, it's been something I've considered since I was in high school. It's just kind of something I've always felt called to do that If was able to do this, that I would want to do it. oh my gosh. What in high school had you like, oh, yeah, that's a thing that I want to do?
00:02:20
Speaker
um So I actually was visiting family in California. And you know how Facebook just pops up those random ads? ah Sure. Absolutely. And it was a surrogate ad.
00:02:31
Speaker
And I was like a senior in high school when it popped up. And I was like, well, that's really cool. So it's like, obviously, it doesn't apply to me now. But maybe in the future. Sure. that's something I could do.
00:02:43
Speaker
Oh my gosh. That's amazing. And then it just like stayed in the back of your mind. Yeah. Oh my gosh. That's awesome. So when did you feel like the time, i mean, you weren't married in high school. How did your spouse feel? When did you feel like now was the right time?
Navigating Surrogacy Agencies During COVID
00:03:00
Speaker
I say now relatively. Um, he was a little like whatever makes you happy, dear. Love it. and then, We love the support of spouse.
00:03:14
Speaker
That's amazing. Okay. So obviously you you saw it in high school. Obviously we had waited, you know, until the right time. When did you feel like it was the right time?
00:03:26
Speaker
I think my son was about nine months when I started researching surrogate agencies. Yeah. we're in We're in the middle of COVID. I'm home from work because i was screened out. I work in childcare.
00:03:39
Speaker
Um, and I work in childcare for the Navy actually. ah wow. So I've been with them for eight years. Oh my gosh. So yeah, you're in COVID. You have a nine month old baby. i mean, we're all trying to find stuff to do. What, what better thing to do than a research project?
00:03:55
Speaker
Yeah. So I'm like, okay, well with all this free time, just going to research agencies and see what's the best route. And there were a lot of, of like duds out there. Like I was looking, I was scouring Facebook. I was scouring the internet for reviews, like actual re real people reviews.
00:04:14
Speaker
A lot of these were like fake or go see this doctor, go do this. And I was like, okay, I need to find something legit. Like not just these random fake reviews that people post.
00:04:28
Speaker
Yeah. So kind of let's pause on that for a second because I think, You know i know, I know for me, when and um I started my surrogacy, my first surrogacy journey was in 2017.
00:04:41
Speaker
twenty seven teen And I did like no research. I like heard from a friend of a friend and they were like, yep, this is my surrogate. And I got to meet her. And she was like, oh, this is the agency. And it was at the time it was just surrogate solutions.
00:04:54
Speaker
And um she and I was like, great, I'll take your word for it. And that was that. But now, you know, there there is the Internet and those Facebook groups, which I feel like I mean, and I know I've said it before, you know, they're kind of like a double edged sword. um You know, some people like, you know, you you hear like real life, you know,
00:05:13
Speaker
just experiences. um But you don't also know the whole story. So it's interesting. Like, how did you navigate that? And I know you mentioned like, you know, oh, I found those duds. How did you know they were duds?
00:05:26
Speaker
um Just the weird reviews that people would leave. Yeah. It was always like, go talk to this African doctor, Shalami in Africa. It was really weird. Oh, gotcha. Okay. So we were like going all over the world in our research. Yeah.
00:05:45
Speaker
I was like, I don't think this is a a real company. Yeah. So, like, I would go to websites. I looked on the Better Business Bureau. I really, like, dived deep just to find somebody legitimate and that was going to fit what I wanted.
00:06:05
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Did you ever, in the midst of all of that research, I know I, for one, would have felt overwhelmed. Did you ever think to yourself, you know what, I'll just do this independently?
00:06:19
Speaker
No. No. No. No. Big no. Big no. I think it's really difficult to do it independently because you never know who that baby is going to, a there isn't as much screening. And there's only, people are very good these days at hiding, but hiding who they really are.
00:06:44
Speaker
Whereas with an agency, everybody is screened. Yeah. Yeah. Which is really nice because it's like, oh, well, I know this baby is going to a good home. Yeah.
00:06:54
Speaker
Yeah. Well, and you have that advocate, you yourself, like yeah you, yeah, you have that advocate that's supporting you and, and is doing that screening process on both sides, you know, both intended parents and surrogates. Yeah. Um, oh, that's awesome. So how did you end up finding a donor and surrogate solutions?
Matching with Intended Parents
00:07:14
Speaker
oh I found them in 2020. ah it was late 2020. I think it was like December. from And I don't even know how, I don't even remember. It's been so long. I don't remember I came across you guys.
00:07:29
Speaker
um I just did. And then then I got in touch and I started the process with Meg. And then you kind of put things on hold. I had some family stuff going on. Yeah. And then we just finished up our journey. We had the little surrogate baby in July.
00:07:45
Speaker
oh my gosh. But you started and twenty research application Everything 2020. Needed to put things pause. Yeah.
00:07:57
Speaker
And then you came back.
00:08:01
Speaker
That's amazing. So how was you Okay, it's finally, it's finally the right time for your family. How was the matching process? It was difficult. We met with one other couple before match.
00:08:15
Speaker
Yeah. With the couple that we ended up matching with. And I just felt really discouraged because I wasn't sure. Like, i was like, oh this is kind of like the closest couple that I feel like would be a good fit.
00:08:29
Speaker
But it was a very strange match meeting. Like, man even Lauren was like, this is a little strange. Yeah.
00:08:39
Speaker
And they ended deciding not to go with me. They had paired with another surrogate from another company. Yeah. um And it worked out for the better because when they matched me with my IPs, I was like, why didn't you put them in there sooner? And she was like, they literally just got uploaded three days ago.
00:08:57
Speaker
Oh, my gosh. So when we matched, they were like, We were told it could be six months to two years. Like we had no expectation of matching anytime soon.
00:09:09
Speaker
Yeah. Three days. That's like record. Yeah. They were shocked and ah obviously overjoyed. Yeah. So we got that process. We got that process going and here we are.
00:09:25
Speaker
Yes. my gosh. i love that. And I know that that feeling of being discouraged can be so big, but ultimately it worked out beautifully. Yeah, it really did.
00:09:39
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, I love that. So how did you know, obviously you, you know, you kind of had something to compare it to because you had had, you know, what you say is kind of a stranger, you know, strange match meeting, um which I just, you know,
00:09:56
Speaker
Like PSA, those match meetings are so important because that vibe check really is a big deal because things on paper don't always equate. Well, and it wasn't just like a match meeting with just a couple. Yeah. It was with their rabbi and her sister and it was a whole bunch of people on this call. So I kind of felt like, okay, we're not really getting anywhere. Yeah.
00:10:21
Speaker
Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. You wanted to get to know them. That's wonderful. They had their support system, but maybe have their support system cheering them on. Yeah.
00:10:33
Speaker
Sure. Sure. So how did you know, having had, you know, kind of that experience, how did you know after that match meeting that this was the right couple that I knew from their profile like the second I saw their profile and I saw their pictures I was like this is it and I went to my husband I was like Danny this is it and he read over the profile and he was like i agree like this is it this is couple I love that what about the profile stuck out to you
00:11:04
Speaker
um It was just their honesty. Like, they just laid it all out. And they laid out their lives and what, you know, they do and plan to do. And they were just very upfront and honest in their profile. And I love that. I don't like when people are, like, shady or i like to hide things and bring stuff up later.
00:11:25
Speaker
sure sure. Just not, maybe not shady, but just, you know, ah guarded or ah a little too curated. Yeah. They were just very open and honest about their entire life. and i've And their focus on mental health being just as important as your physical health.
00:11:45
Speaker
um Oh, I love that. I love that. That's amazing. So you had that match meeting and your feelings that you got from the profile were reaffirmed.
00:11:58
Speaker
Yes. Definitely not a strange match meeting. No, definitely not.
00:12:05
Speaker
And it was just them. It was just them. I love it. I love it. That's awesome. And we actually did something out of the norm. And like Lauren did give my intended mom my phone number because she had some questions from our follow-up from our match meeting.
00:12:22
Speaker
Sure. ah And so, like, we connected and I just, you know, I told her everything that happened and
00:12:30
Speaker
that she had questions about and she was like okay like told Lauren that like gave the go ahead and we went from there Oh, I love that. Well, and it sounds like the thing that you you both were looking for, that honesty and that truth and ultimately that trust, which is really the best way. i mean, the only way that you can build a good relationship in this type of journey.
00:13:01
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, I love that. How was, so you got matched. Um, you know, we start the process. How was meeting, when did you guys meet for the first time in person?
Emotional First Meetings and Medical Screenings
00:13:13
Speaker
We met for the first time at my medical screening. They picked me up from the airport. i Then they picked me up from my hotel and took me to the appointment.
00:13:24
Speaker
And then they dropped me back off at the airport after. Yeah. ah How was that? Oh, was it just like a one? Oh, no, you said hotel. So you stayed at night. Yeah. i flew in the day before and then I flew out the night after my medical screening.
00:13:37
Speaker
Your medical screening. How was meeting for the first time? What were those feelings? It was great. Like they were super smiley and like welcome me, like gave me a hug. And we're so excited to meet in person.
00:13:51
Speaker
Yeah. oh that's awesome. And so medical screening went well. Were you nervous about the medical screening? I was a little nervous about it, but ultimately it was not anything bad.
00:14:06
Speaker
It's, you know, it was definitely different, you know, nothing I've ever experienced. Sure. ah Overall was not bad. Yeah.
00:14:17
Speaker
Was there, was it, were you just nervous because it was something new or were you nervous about something in particular? Yeah, just something new. Absolutely. late But you got your coordinator taking you along the ride, which is great. You have you' got to meet your intended parents. That's fantastic.
00:14:34
Speaker
How was just starting everything? So, you know, for for those who don't know, the process, you know, is you have your medical screening appointment, you have your psychological evaluation. Once, you know, all of that You have clearance um is what we say. Then you move forward with the legal process and we get, you know, all of our I's dotted and our crossed. So once all of that is done and you have the the clear of you're ready to go you're ready to get started on the cycle.
00:15:06
Speaker
How did, how was that? How did you feel? I was excited. i was excited to get everything started and just go on this journey with them. And because it was the first time for both of us.
00:15:19
Speaker
no So it was really nice to be like learning as we go together. sir sir And even now we have a really great bond. I was going to say, how was building that relationship during during all of that, just before you even get to the cycle?
00:15:38
Speaker
Obviously, you guys are getting to know each other. What did you guys do you know and you flew in, so you're not you know local. How did you guys you know get to know each other and start building that relationship? um Her and I would communicate by text at least once a week.
00:15:52
Speaker
Yeah. ah And sometimes we would like try and phone call every other week or at least once a month. Mm hmm. Just to kind of catch up and get to know each other more.
00:16:03
Speaker
oh I love that i love that. And were you, you know it's kind of you're getting to know a friend. So like she's she's asking about your family and you're following up about, you know, things like that. It's not just just this, if you will. Yeah.
00:16:19
Speaker
Yeah. We're getting to know each other and we've got a lifelong friendship. Oh, I love that. Oh, that's amazing. So you get to cycling. How are meds?
00:16:31
Speaker
How did you feel? Were you nervous? I was nervous about meds. um I'm not like a huge needle person. Like I can watch somebody else get shots all day long or drop blood. But when it comes to myself, I'm like,
00:16:48
Speaker
Okay, like I don't know how I'm going to do this, but I'll figure it out because my husband is deathly terrified of needles. Oh, no. Okay, so hubby is not going to be, he'll cheer for you from the sidelines.
00:17:01
Speaker
My oldest stepdaughter was living with us at the time, and she helped me with some of my progesterone shots. i think Oh, way to go. think she was a little too eager for those. Okay.
00:17:15
Speaker
Oh, my gosh. That is so funny. Did you so you you did your um you did your cycle. Did you have any medication responses? How are you feeling as you know, you're, you're slowly getting towards, you know, kind of that big day? Was it surreal? Were you even thinking about it? Like what were maybe some of those things going through your head during that?
00:17:38
Speaker
I think it was really surreal. um i just was like, oh my gosh, like, we're here. It's happening. Like, and we're, you know, we're praying for the absolute best.
00:17:49
Speaker
And
00:17:52
Speaker
it was just like, it was really nice to see them again in person because I got spend a little more time with them. And they were like, super like, we were going to let you like, come and stay with us at the house. But We weren't sure if the dogs were going to jump on you and we wanted you to be to relax. oh
00:18:15
Speaker
that's awesome. Did you ever, at any point in time, did you ever think, you know, oh, this, this might not work? No, no, no.
00:18:27
Speaker
Oh, I love that. you were just so confident. yeah I was too. I was like, oh yeah, that's not even like a thing to, to you know, my my own naivete as far as like, oh yeah, of course it'll work. I didn't even, you know, it was like, yeah, I'm just checking my boxes. I'm doing all the things.
00:18:43
Speaker
Yeah. What about your intended parents? what What do you think were, you know, some of their feelings as they were, you know, getting ready and prepared for that big transfer day? I think they were feeling really surreal. Like,
00:18:57
Speaker
my gosh we're here like we didn't expect it to happen this quickly
00:19:04
Speaker
they were just very excited yeah oh that's exciting okay so tell me about transfer day So transfer day was really nice. I went by myself. My husband had to work, which was totally fine. You know, a very independent person. Love it So they were in the room and it kind of just, with the ask for everyone's date of birth, like it kind of really just felt cemented like this was meant to be because her birthday is the same day as my grandson's birthday. Oh,
00:19:37
Speaker
love that. Yeah. So was like, oh, this is just meant to be Yeah. So they asked for all of the birth dates and everything.
00:19:49
Speaker
And then did you get to, were you able to see the transfer?
Pregnancy Experience and Family Involvement
00:19:52
Speaker
Did they get to see everything? Yeah. They had it up on the screen. Oh my gosh. How did that feel seeing that, that little speck of an embryo?
00:20:02
Speaker
It was crazy. Cause I was like, that itty bitty thing is, you know, in my uterus and can grow into a baby. Absolutely.
00:20:13
Speaker
that's So you had transfer day, hung around for a little bit. Did you fly home the next day? Yep. I flew home the next day.
00:20:24
Speaker
He flew home the next day. Okay. And now it's the awful waiting part ive just of just, yeah, between transfer day and that beta test.
00:20:35
Speaker
Did you do any home testing? Had you and your intended mom talked about talked about that at all? um I had asked her if she wanted me to do home testing. And she was like, you can do it, but I don't want to know. she's like, don't tell me. And I was like, okay, like, I will tell you if I take a test or not.
00:20:52
Speaker
You know, we'll, you know, I'll wait till we do the blood draw. Yeah. And then she was like, ah sorry I texted her and said, do you, I think you it was, I just looked at my pictures. It was November eighth Oh my gosh.
00:21:06
Speaker
We're like almost like year to the date. yeah So transfer day was November 2nd. Yep. So I texted her that morning and I was like, I took a home test.
00:21:20
Speaker
Do you want to know the results? And she was like, Let me ask my husband. Okay. I was like, okay. And she's like, just tell me. Just tell me.
00:21:31
Speaker
so i so my daughter set up this cute little basket with like the two tests and like a pack of baby wipes and a diaper and just made it look really cute to send them showing like the positive pregnancy tests.
00:21:48
Speaker
Oh, my gosh. And it was like, it was a for sure positive. We're not even talking. This was like, no, for sure. Positive. Sure. I even took the clear blue digital.
00:21:59
Speaker
So that way they could see the word. Yeah.
00:22:04
Speaker
Oh, my gosh. That's amazing. How did they react? They were so excited, but like cautiously excited because I wanted to wait for like beta to see what my numbers were.
00:22:15
Speaker
Sure. But I just kept taking home tests up until beta just to make sure like the line kept getting darker. so and it did.
00:22:27
Speaker
It did. Oh my gosh. I know. I feel like every, every surrogate I know it's like, it it just becomes like a sport of how many like pregnancy tests we can all take.
00:22:41
Speaker
That's amazing. How are you feeling getting to kind of deliver just such amazing news? I was excited. i was like super grateful and I was excited that they wanted to know because I don't know if I would have been able able to keep it in.
00:22:58
Speaker
ah Sure.
00:23:01
Speaker
Just because of how often we talk, like there's no way I would able to keep that secret.
00:23:07
Speaker
Oh my gosh, that's so fun. How were, so you said your, your, your daughter, your eldest daughter got to, um, got to, or your stepdaughter got to help with, um, you know, with medications and then they're helping you set up, you know, these fun little pictures and things like that. How was, you know, your family during this time, even like when you were first saying, Hey, by the way, this is something we're doing to like, Oh yay, I'm pregnant with someone else's baby. What do you guys think about it?
00:23:36
Speaker
um they've been super supportive my youngest tough daughter was very on the fence about surrogacy she was like i don't know like you get super hormonal when you're pregnant like i don't know how this is gonna go and then she got pregnant she found out when she was 17 weeks pregnant that she was pregnant had no idea oh And she was like giving birth to her own baby made her realize she was like, I couldn't imagine not being able to to have my own children. So she's like now surrogacy is one of her number one things. She thinks it's awesome.
00:24:16
Speaker
Oh, that's amazing. And how wonderful that you were able to support her. And that's so awesome that she had that experience. Yeah.
00:24:27
Speaker
Oh, I love that. What about your son? Because your son was, at that point, how old was your son? um he was about to be four.
00:24:37
Speaker
So he's about to be five. Okay. So he, like, kind of, sort of, he kind of, sort of knows what's going on. But yeah he's little. So when they picked me. Yeah. Did he have any questions?
00:24:49
Speaker
um He was, like. Why? Why? why like asked why about everything. Sure, sure. but When we told him the baby's name, he would kiss my belly and and would just say hi with his name, or he would say bye with his name.
00:25:09
Speaker
Oh, that's so sweet. I love it So how was the pregnancy just as a whole? Did intended parents get to come out and see you and maybe for anatomy scan? How was everything?
00:25:23
Speaker
They came out for the anatomy scan and then i ended up having to have an ECV. So my intended mom flew out for that. So what, for those who don't know, what is it? What does ECV mean?
00:25:35
Speaker
That just means when the baby is breached, they go in to manually turn him with their hands. Oh, so he decided that he needed to do some gymnastics. Yeah. And he did not want to turn the easy way He wanted to go the long way.
00:25:54
Speaker
my goodness. So how was that? um So I was lucky and my provider gave me an epidural for it. Oh, that's very nice.
00:26:05
Speaker
Yes. ah And I was super bruised after, like, from my belly to my, like, pelvis. Like, I was just, like, black and blue. gosh.
00:26:18
Speaker
And then two weeks later, I was induced.
Delivery Day and The Emotional Hand Over
00:26:20
Speaker
Here we go. oh my goodness. So how was delivery day? Delivery day was very surreal, like, for them and me because it's, like,
00:26:34
Speaker
Oh my gosh, here we are. Like, yeah it's, it's the end. This is what we've been waiting for. and then this little booger was being like stubborn as usual. um I was going to say, I'm sensing a theme here from him. He has a personality.
00:26:50
Speaker
Yes, he does.
00:26:53
Speaker
um So luckily I was already dilated a centimeter so I could have the Foley catheter. Yeah. So my doula made me walk around that delivery floor, like probably 10 or 20 laps.
00:27:11
Speaker
Oh, gosh. Yeah. um Yeah. And then, so that put me at ah a five. And then I just stayed there for couple hours. He was like, no, I'm not going to.
00:27:23
Speaker
not gonna let anything progress sure i'm comfy right now we're good ah but he did end up being born that following day at like 8 30 p.m i believe oh wow
00:27:39
Speaker
so goodness that was a long labor That was nothing. That was nothing compared to my son. oh okay. Well, then there we go. That's good. I spent 39 hours in labor with my son. I spent maybe just over 24 hours in labor with this one.
00:27:57
Speaker
Oh, great. this was like a vacation. Yeah, this was like vacation.
00:28:04
Speaker
I love it. Okay, so during this time, where are intended parents? are they Are they hanging out? Where are they? They've been hanging out. They were hanging out. They had their own room, like the hospital delivered at.
00:28:16
Speaker
um They have labor rooms like partnered together, and they have like a supply closet in between. So they just got a connected room. For them so that way they could come and come and go as they needed or wanted.
00:28:30
Speaker
Yeah. They made a couple runs to their hotel to get their things. Sure. And then they just stayed the rest of the time.
00:28:41
Speaker
Oh, I love that. And that's what you wanted. Yeah. That's what I wanted. Yeah. That's what I wanted and that's what they wanted. Oh, I love that. I love that. So it was, you said he was finally born at the next morning.
00:28:57
Speaker
Next evening. the next Sorry, the next evening. What was, what was that experience like? um It was different because I'm like, okay, like, it's nice to kind of just have some peace and quiet.
00:29:11
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So they got to go spend their golden hour in their room and then they brought him back in and they weighed him in the other room as well.
00:29:22
Speaker
ah Solid eight pounds, four ounces. and they were The midwife was sure he was going to be a nine pounder. Like. And I was like, okay, well, I've already delivered a nine-pound baby. That's not too bad.
00:29:35
Speaker
There we go. Again, we're sticking with the vacation theme. I love it. ah And so I was really surprised when he came out at eight four Yeah.
00:29:47
Speaker
I'm sure they were happy. Yeah. That's amazing. where So during actual like delivery, where, where was mom? Where was dad Was hubby with you?
00:29:59
Speaker
No, my husband was, I just chose to have my doula and my intended parents there. Yeah. I love my husband, but he wasn't that much help during labor with my son. And I would have, I just rather to have the doula present.
00:30:12
Speaker
Yeah, for sure. her How was that doula experience? It was phenomenal. Like I love her. I'm actually going to go work for her. when I'm done with my studies. Oh my gosh. Yes. I'm very excited to, to talk about that for sure. What was, what was kind of having that doula like as far as that support for you and the support for the intended parents?
00:30:39
Speaker
For me, it was really nice because i learned about like different positions for birth. I learned like what I could like what i could do and how to advocate for myself and what I wanted ah because I just had a very long and tedious labor with my son. I was like, I don't want to go through that again. like it just took forever.
00:31:01
Speaker
and So this time around, ah she met up with my intended parents and I and we came up with a birth, she calls it a birth preference sheet because she's like, babies have their own mind.
00:31:14
Speaker
Yes. So she's like, we go with a preference. ah So we like went over like what we want to use. And I told her that I really wanted to try and avoid an epidural until I was closer to six or seven centimeters dilated.
00:31:29
Speaker
And that's when I found out about there is other pain medication I could try. um so that was really nice. I did that. And that helped me off until I was about seven centimeters. And I was able get that epidural then.
00:31:42
Speaker
Oh, that's great. And how did that how did that feel for your intended parents to have that guidance as well?
00:31:51
Speaker
They felt really reassured that it was very personable and she gave any kind of questions they had, she answered them and she came and visited us after labor delivery. She came and checked on us ah just to see how we were doing.
00:32:10
Speaker
yeah. I love that. Very caring and made us all feel like human beings, you know, sometimes in a hospital setting that, you know, can kind of lose itself.
00:32:22
Speaker
Sure. There's a checklist there, you know, they're focused on, on health and, you know, with there's things to do and there's point A to point B and, and yeah, absolutely. please So, you know, for sure it can be, um it can be easy to, to kind of make things a little more transactional sometimes in that setting.
00:32:39
Speaker
um And that's wonderful that you had that advocate.
00:32:44
Speaker
She's actually the reason we were able to switch providers at almost 38 weeks pregnant. Oh, gosh. Okay. Why were we switching providers? So my local provider would not schedule an induction.
00:32:57
Speaker
ah refuse Even though maternal fetal medicine was like, nope, this is an IVF pregnancy. We want her induced at 39 weeks on the dot. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. okay But my local provider was just, they're like, no, we'll put you on an on-call list starting at 39 weeks.
00:33:14
Speaker
Okay. ah So I went to the affiliated midwi midwife practice. Midwifery? Yep, midwifery. and ah friend of hers a friend of my doula's was also a surrogate at the same time. And we actually had the same due date.
00:33:33
Speaker
Oh, my gosh. How fun. Yes. um So she saw me. She was like she made an exception. She called the the practice manager and she was like, we need to make an exception. Like, you know, please, please, please, just this once.
00:33:46
Speaker
And so she did. They made the exception. They saw me that Friday before my 38-week checkpoint. And then we had an induction date scheduled by the following week.
00:33:58
Speaker
Oh, wow. So they're like, nope, we'll schedule you for 39 weeks on the dot. We're not, you know, maternal food and medicine said 39 weeks and that's what we're going to follow.
00:34:09
Speaker
Yeah. How was that, how was navigating that with your intended parents? um They were excited because they could plan because they're like, a hotel gets expensive and, you know, they have animals so they've got to find someone to watch their animals.
00:34:27
Speaker
And It's just like the not knowing. Yeah. Yeah. The not knowing can be so, so hard for sure. And, you know, I think I love what your doula set of preference versus a plan. And there's only, yeah, we we can only do so much.
00:34:44
Speaker
Yeah. It ended up being really good switching because the practice we switched to. has seen surrogates come in and out all the time. This hospital is the same. ah She's like the head nurse. I cannot remember what her position title is, but she actually calls, sits on a Zoom call with the surrogate and intended parents and comes up with a birth plan and all the documentation that needs to be there at time of delivery.
00:35:14
Speaker
Yeah. um This hospital is extremely familiar with surrogates and intended parents. They have surrogates and intended parents and in and out of their hospital every month.
00:35:26
Speaker
Whereas the local provider was not very familiar with surrogacy. I got you. I got you. And that does make a difference. It does. And it's wonderful to, you know, if you, if you want to be in that position of educating and you are comfortable with advocating and, you know, things like that, which I know you are, but also at the end of the day, you want to be cared for and seen having that familiarity I know is always, know, sitting in the coordinator position when I hear about hospitals going the extra mile and doing all of those things and, and getting a full understanding and,
00:36:01
Speaker
of the situation and being aware of certain terminology and, and things like that, that really makes a difference and how you feel on delivery day.
00:36:12
Speaker
Absolutely. Yeah. Oh, I love that. So we made that big switch. You had a wonderful conversation. experience with your doula, your intended parents were there. That's amazing that you guys had joining rooms and, and got to do you know, just have them be there as close as they could.
00:36:36
Speaker
yeah What was it like seeing them with baby for the first time?
Post-Delivery Relationship with Intended Parents
00:36:41
Speaker
um So my doula got a picture of their face when he was delivered.
00:36:47
Speaker
and it's just the most precious thing ever. I i love it. ah Because you can just, they're just in awe. You can just see it straight in their faces. They're in awe. And they're just so in love already, you know.
00:36:59
Speaker
Yeah. It's that why. oh that's amazing. So we had delivery day.
00:37:12
Speaker
you how was you know you How long did you stay in the hospital? Not too long. I think I stayed for two days after. okay okay Which is pretty standard.
00:37:24
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. How long were intended parents and baby there? um Two days. They got discharged later that afternoon that after I did. Okay. And did your kiddos get to meet...
00:37:37
Speaker
baby no they didn't get to meet him this time but i'm hoping that as we gear up for a sibling journey that they'll get to meet him oh my gosh that's so exciting yeah did you how is it how did you feel kind of okay post delivery intended parents have baby you get to hold baby and see baby how what were kind of some of those feelings It kind of felt like I was holding, like, my best friend's baby, you know. was just so excited.
00:38:08
Speaker
And, like, oh, he's so adorable. And he came up with a whole head of hair, which explains all the heartburn. i I was about to say, yeah, I'm sure Toms was your best friend.
00:38:19
Speaker
Yep. ah Tums, I actually can't tolerate Tums. Tums are super nauseous. Ding, ding. So Pepsid. Pepsid, there we go. All right, perfect. Lots of lots of Pepsid. Oh my goodness, you were like, oh sweet boy, you're so beautiful.
00:38:32
Speaker
Man, oh man, my heart feels so many things right now. Yeah.
00:38:38
Speaker
Oh, I love that. And I love what you said. It was like holding your best friend's baby. That's amazing. Because I think a lot of people, you know, I know for me that was always one of the you know, number one, frequently asked questions I get was, you know, what was, how did you feel? you know, they always say, um or the phrase always comes out.
00:38:57
Speaker
What was it like giving up a baby? And I, ah I'm always like, I'm not giving up. I'm giving back. Never my baby. Yeah. How did that feel? was good. Like, i I never felt like I was giving up a baby. I was giving back their baby. I just grew it and gave it life. And I was you know able to make it healthy and provide them with this gift of parenthood.
00:39:23
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. Oh, my goodness. Well, your journey wasn't over after that. Tell us a little bit more about post-delivery and healing.
00:39:38
Speaker
um So three weeks after delivery, we went to Myrtle Beach for a week. Yes. Oh, love that. Yeah. A lot of crazy things happened on vacation. My oldest daughter got engaged. and Oh.
00:39:53
Speaker
Yeah. Life doesn't stop. Life does not stop. And I was like, of course, like the day she gets engaged, i and I get hit with one of those things.
00:40:04
Speaker
Like big hormonal shifts. Okay. And so like i had been pumping because my milk had come in. So i was in the process of drying up. Well, started birth control. i dried up completely on the day she got engaged. And that dramatic fluctuation just made me like crazy.
00:40:22
Speaker
Yeah. Crazy. Oh, gosh, that's a big word. I would say, yeah, hormonal shift definitely makes us wonky for sure. Yes.
00:40:34
Speaker
Yeah, and how was navigating that? um It was not terrible. I had my husband by my side, so I was just like, of course, like I would have this.
00:40:45
Speaker
on the day she gets engaged, it's supposed to be a happy day. yeah I mean, timing's so tough, but again, I mean, You had your husband with you. And I think that's, I mean, not, I think I know like that is why having that support system yeah is so important.
00:41:03
Speaker
Absolutely. Yeah. So how was navigating all that, just all of that? Um, like it took me some time. Like i found, like I found I needed to like slow down on just starting the new birth control. Yeah.
00:41:21
Speaker
Um, And I, you know, I talked to my doctor about it. And i talked to my husband about it. And decided, like, we would just slowly, you know, we would stop the birth control for now and see if that made a difference. And it did.
00:41:37
Speaker
It was just, like, the dramatic increase of, like, a new birth control, milk supply dropping, and all those hormones that go with it. a And him just being there to listen to me helped when I was just going through, like,
00:41:52
Speaker
I don't know why I'm crying. I'm just crying. Sure. Absolutely. Because it's not like I was sad. was just, like, I think I was just happy and overwhelmed with everything, like, all happening at once.
00:42:08
Speaker
Yeah. So, and vacation's always crazy because we also went when that tropical storm went through. oh gosh. Yeah. So we were there during the tropical storm too. So it's just a lot of stuff going on all at once.
00:42:24
Speaker
Yeah, for sure. her for sure. how was, you know okay, so you were pumping, you had that big hormonal shift. Obviously, you know, you you did the amazing, beautiful thing. You delivered sweet baby. Intended parents go home.
00:42:44
Speaker
What was the relationship shift with you and your intended parents? um I tried to give them some space, you know get acclimated at home, figure out new life as parents because that newborn phase is always kind of crazy.
00:42:59
Speaker
um But they did text me. like And even now, we text once a week. And they send me pictures of their baby and of their dogs. and oh they you know And then her and I talk on the phone at least once a month and over what's going on in our lives.
00:43:18
Speaker
Cause we like to try and just keep texts short and sweet to the point. Yeah. Like, Hey, hope you're doing well. You know, hope you made it home safe. Stuff like that. Sure. Busy mom life. Yeah. busy mob life Oh, I love that. Well, and it, I mean, it was the norm at that point because you guys had already invested so much in each other, not just about surrogacy, but each other as people. Yeah.
00:43:44
Speaker
Yeah, for sure. What was maybe one of the biggest surprises that you had just in, or maybe it's just something that was, yeah, just what was maybe some of the biggest surprises that you had during your journey?
00:43:59
Speaker
I think I was surprised at like how much I really bonded with my intended parents because I wanted that bond. But, you know, sometimes when you want that bond, it doesn't always happen.
00:44:12
Speaker
Yeah. So I was super grateful that it happened, you know, on both ends and that we have that really deep connection. Well, and I mean, going back, like that's why that matching process is so important and absolutely worth the wait.
00:44:30
Speaker
Yes. Yeah. Oh, I love that. So you have, you know, you've alluded to it a little bit, but since, you know, going on this journey, you were inspired to have a career change.
00:44:46
Speaker
Yes. Yeah. Tell us.
Career Shift: Becoming a Doula
00:44:50
Speaker
So currently I work at childcare, but I am working on my studies to become a birth and postpartum doula.
00:45:00
Speaker
That's amazing. And birth work is just, it's so important. What, obviously hearing from your own experience, you had, you know, just wonderful support.
00:45:12
Speaker
What was kind of what pushed you to say, this is the direction I want to go? um I had a sit down with my doula and I really asked her like what made her want to become a doula. And a lot of her responses like resonated with me.
00:45:30
Speaker
And I just have this big heart of like helping people and wanting people to advocate for themselves. And I just want to be there to support them in any way I can.
00:45:42
Speaker
Yeah. why why do you feel like doula so, important to have, especially in a surrogate journey?
00:45:55
Speaker
So there has been research on doulas and that there has been a decrease in C-sections when doula is present for birth. There's just a lot of things that she knows about positioning and helping like with the cervix dilating and just kind of pushing you to like, okay, you need to do this, this, and this to really get your body doing what it's supposed to be doing.
00:46:18
Speaker
Yeah. But she's also there to encourage you when things don't go the way you want it. oh Yeah.
00:46:28
Speaker
And I mean, surrogacy is a journey and things maybe haven't gone the way that we wanted. And so to have that type of support is huge. Yes. Yeah.
00:46:39
Speaker
What would you say, you know, I know you're in studies, What would you say to intended parents specifically why having a doula would be a benefit to not just their surrogate, but to them as well?
00:46:55
Speaker
A doula can answer a lot of questions ah in a non-judgmental way. yeah ah Sometimes it can be really hard to ask a provider questions without kind of getting a snippy response or like a know-it-all response.
00:47:10
Speaker
Whereas a doula can and educate you and you And is there for you from the time like you signed their contract. She is there for you on call for you to ask any question you have, any concern you have.
00:47:24
Speaker
And she's there to just be your biggest cheerleader and advocate on the way. love that. love that. I mean, support... for any pregnancy is vital. And, you know, to be on a surrogate journey, you've already built a team and to have that extra support, especially in the delivery room and before you even even get to the delivery room is so important for everyone involved, not just the the person, you know, physically carrying a baby. There's the, all of the emotional components. That's amazing that
00:47:57
Speaker
A doula can be a part of that. And that's amazing that this experience led you to wanting to continue to help others in that way.
Advice on Trust and Boundaries in Surrogacy
00:48:08
Speaker
what would you say, looking back on your journey, was maybe the most either memorable or maybe a favorite moment for you?
00:48:20
Speaker
I think the anatomy scan. when they got to like come out and be there for the ultrasound and actually like see like him on the screen and getting to see like how big he was getting and how you know all his organs and his heart was looking good and he just they actually got to see it and be there for the appointment yeah You mentioned, you know, when you sent them the photo of your positive pregnancy test that they were happy but but cautiously optimistic.
00:48:55
Speaker
Yes. When do you think it changed to happy? I think it changed when we got beta numbers from the clinic. Yeah. When we got that email from the clinic stating, all looks good, you know, her numbers are doubling like they should, we're going to have retest, you know, go for more blood work.
00:49:14
Speaker
in a couple of days just to make sure we're continuing to double.
00:49:19
Speaker
I love that. And that makes you feel good. Yes. that's awesome. So you've mentioned it a little bit. You've already said, you know, you guys are gearing up for a sibling journey. How has that relationship been?
00:49:37
Speaker
you know, you, you said you were holding your best friend's baby. Do you still feel post delivery that that's kind of the same vibe? Absolutely. Oh, I love that. That's amazing.
00:49:50
Speaker
So what, if any, you know, after having this experience, obviously you want to come back for more. Love that. What would you say, you know, is maybe some advice that you would want to give to any you know, potential woman who is wanting to be a surrogate, is currently a surrogate, or maybe even some intended parents?
00:50:12
Speaker
Um, for surrogates, potential surrogates, I just say, trust your gut when it comes to matching. Like, know that your gut is almost always right when it comes to just that feeling you have when it's going to be a right match.
00:50:28
Speaker
Hmm. Yeah. And the same goes for intended parents, because you will have a gut feeling that this woman is going to fit with our family.
00:50:40
Speaker
This is going to be a forever relationship. Or if they're not looking for a forever relationship, then finding someone who respects those boundaries.
00:50:51
Speaker
Absolutely. Absolutely. Even if you don't have that forever relationship, being able to trust that person for that period of time. Yeah. It's huge.
00:51:02
Speaker
It's absolutely huge. It's vital. Yes. It's vital. Yeah. I mean, you no one wants to hold their breath for an nine months. Um, Yeah. And so having that trust is, is so important. I love what you said about boundaries and, you know, being honest about what you are looking for in a match, because there is no, i mean, it's judgment free. Like everybody's looking for just the right person. And, you know, just like you said, with that first match meeting, I knew I wasn't the right surrogate for them and that's okay. They found their right surrogate. And then yeah you were able to be the right surrogate for your intended parents.
00:51:41
Speaker
Yes. Oh, I love that. I love that. Well, Colleen, um for anyone who knows me, they know um that I have a very codependent relationship with coffee.
00:51:55
Speaker
So I always like to ask my last question, which is um what filled your cup today? Literally or figuratively, what was the thing that filled your cup this morning?
00:52:09
Speaker
I've always just seen my son get up and go to school and not, you know, fight me to go to school. He loves his new daycare. Yes.
00:52:21
Speaker
Oh, yes. Happy child. Happy mama. Absolutely. Yes. Oh, that's a big deal. And those smiles make us smile. Oh, I love that.
00:52:33
Speaker
Well, Colleen, thank you so, so much for sharing your beautiful story and um all the advice that you have for others. and we are just, I mean, best of luck to you as you continue on this new career change and go and support others in that beautiful birth workspace.
00:52:57
Speaker
Thank you. Thank you. ah well Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Me, You, and Who. We appreciate your time and hope you enjoyed our discussion today.
00:53:10
Speaker
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00:53:24
Speaker
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00:53:39
Speaker
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00:53:54
Speaker
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00:54:11
Speaker
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