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SP: Ep8. Dating Shenanigans
97 Plays1 year ago
In this episode Amber and Jade share their hilarious and horrific dating stories from the past. Amber confesses to a plan to get her now husband drunk on their 4th date so he could meet Jade and friends. It did not go as planned.
Jade recommends not choosing expensive wines on first dates, in case they need to be skulled or left behind. Amber recommends a simple G&T, 3 sips- your'e done. They split the difference and decide maybe shots is the way to go. Just not tequila.
Amber says that the only acceptable reason a man in his 30's would still be living at home is if his house was accidentally demolished and Jade confesses to having taken a date to her (first and only) stand up poetry reading. Don't try this at home ladies.
As for the semi precious moments, Jade doesn't do too well when she hungry, so if you serve her raw eggs, watch out. Apologies to our Singaporian friends, she's knows better now.
It's a long episode, maybe grab a wine and a friend for this one.
If you are wanting to understand more about Jade and her counselling practice or ADHD Coaching you can visit Awaken ADHD or on socials Instagram and Facebook
Connect with Amber:
If you’ are curious about Amber and her brand agency you can visit The Edison Agency or follow her on socials LinkedIn or Instagram
CREDITS
Producer: Amber Bonney and Jade Bonney
Hosts: Amber Bonney and Jade Bonney
Sound Editing: Jade Bonney
Social Content Creator: Amber Bonney
Creative Director: Amber Bonney
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Transcript
Acknowledging the Land
00:00:00
Speaker
This podcast is recorded on the lands of the Boon Wurrung country and we wish to acknowledge them as traditional owners. We recognise First Peoples of Australia as the original storytellers of this country and pay our respects to elders past, present and emerging.
Introduction to Episode Eight
00:00:15
Speaker
You are listening to a semi-precious podcast hosted by Uncut and Unpolished sisters Amber and Jade.
00:00:25
Speaker
Hello and welcome to episode eight. Hello. We passed my lucky number seven. We did. Let's not go there again. I don't even think we fielded that question, did we? Actually, we did, didn't we? At the bite big launch, somebody said, yeah, they're only single digits. Somebody agreed with you. Who wasn't? Not sure, but someone clever. Someone clever.
Navigating Modern Dating
00:00:54
Speaker
Anyway, so this episode is dating shenanigans. Right. Old school dating, how we dodged a bullet? Is that just like topic number one? Yeah. Okay. Number one. How we dodged a bullet. What bullet did we dodge in particular?
00:01:15
Speaker
Well, lots, but we were talking before about how we were sort of old school online dating, and so we dodged the swipe right, swipe left.
00:01:29
Speaker
we do day dating. And the casualness that came along with that, not to say that there wasn't casualness on the internet dating that we were doing, but it was less common, I think, than the... It's less gamified. I feel like now it's like paying Uno on your phone.
00:01:50
Speaker
Yeah, it is. Or solitaire or Candy Crush, maybe. And what else did we
Online Dating Experiences
00:01:55
Speaker
miss, Amber? I'm going to make you say this one because I said enough of this word in the last episode. And I did say before that I have never had the delightful pleasure of receiving a dick pic. And I think that might be a rare thing to say these days, do you think?
00:02:18
Speaker
it is. I don't think I have either. I had one that was, I don't know, marginally close. Like some abs and down to that region? Yes, down to the region.
00:02:34
Speaker
Like a little old lady down in the nether region. Down to the region. And do you know what was so amusing about that? That in the corner of the pic was the mum. This guy lived at home. So he was mid 30s, lived at home. Was his mum just sort of poking her head out from behind a wall? Like she was just...
00:02:57
Speaker
Yeah. I actually, I think I'm having flashbacks to this picture. Yeah. Yeah, that's... So it was like taken from above, clearly didn't either just didn't look at it before or sent it. And then there's, yeah, little odd nonna. Ready for some dinner. Pasta. Yeah.
00:03:17
Speaker
Yeah, that's a lot. Yeah, so I didn't get any of those. I mean, I had some other weird stuff. So were you online? You would have been online dating too. Yeah, I was online dating. So RSVPs is the poison. Yeah. Was there any other? I did eHarmony as well. eHarmony, you did. Yeah, I remember that. I remember the cheesy ads. So terrible. They're still just as bad. I don't see ads anymore.
00:03:41
Speaker
I like the principle of eHarmony, but in practice, it does not account for just human biochemistry energy that you get from someone. Was it trying to match based on your philosophies? And of course, most people say the same types of things, like when you're conducting consumer research. Yeah, you like going hiking.
00:04:03
Speaker
Yeah, like making good food choices. Animals. I love animals. I love volunteering. Yeah, I love travel. I love exploring the world. Meeting new people. Love great food. My family. Yeah. Love my family.
00:04:18
Speaker
So, yeah, you just end up with just the whole soup anyway. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No one strained. Basically what passion is, everyone I got matched with, like I could intellectually have a great conversation, but there was absolutely no chemistry whatsoever. What were you saying on yours other than long walks on the beach?
00:04:43
Speaker
I don't even know. I actually think maybe I was misleading. Maybe I was just too vanilla, too generic. I don't think there were any check boxes for Are You Mouthy?
00:04:59
Speaker
Do you like to swear? How inappropriate can you be? There was certainly nothing about fastidious cushion arrangements. No check boxes for where you force your future family to wear matching Christmas pajamas from Peter Alexander. That really needs to be a pajama.
00:05:22
Speaker
I may never have dated again had that been a checkbox. And I think that's the reason why there aren't these checkboxes, sister.
Treating Dating Like a Project
00:05:30
Speaker
So I had a couple of dates from eHarmony and they were all, yeah. Only a couple. I can't even remember. Just planned it into nowhere.
00:05:42
Speaker
So did you do, I was going to say seek, that's not, we're looking for different things here. Definitely not. RSVP, no, hold on, now we're looking for a pet. Right, okay. RSVP. I'm a little bit tired today, I might say. Yeah. Okay.
00:06:02
Speaker
RSVP. RSVP, thank you. That was the choice. And I think I was on and off RSVP for a good eight years. Eight years? Wow. In the end, I created RSVP a bit like just a project. Yeah, mine turned into a little bit of just entertainment. I'm bored. I'll just go on a date.
00:06:31
Speaker
Yeah. I would like you to tell our four listeners
00:06:37
Speaker
who aren't our friends from episode seven. We don't have any friends after episode seven. Yes, just a little bit about your methodology and your Smith Street venue. Okay, so I was in two different houses, not at the same time. I didn't live like two lives, but I lived in two houses in suburbs next to each other, the same suburb.
00:07:04
Speaker
and at the first house I had my local bar which was also the local
00:07:11
Speaker
hangover brunch place as well and I knew everybody that worked there and I used to often do two dates in one day. I think you stretched it to three. Okay, I probably do. You definitely stretched it to three. I'm modest here. But it was kind of safe that way. It was my turf and I could easily just leave, walk home. I could give side eyeballs to the staff who wasn't going well.
00:07:41
Speaker
A bit of arsenic in there. Yeah. No. No, but I felt safe. And then when I moved to the next house, I found another local bar and couldn't quite stretch it to the three because it was more an afternoon evening thing. But I could certainly still squeeze in two dates. Now, did you make the mistake when you were first dating of booking a meal with that person?
00:08:08
Speaker
No, I was pretty... You started strong. I started strong. I did not really let food get involved here. I found out the hard way. You do not share a meal with someone that you do not know because it's a long...
00:08:24
Speaker
long drawn-out conversation. It is a long time. Actually, there was one guy, and I don't think it was a first date, maybe it was a second date. We became really good friends. I'm still friends with him. I don't speak to him very often. He lives interstate. Really lovely guy.
00:08:40
Speaker
We went to Victoria Street in Richmond in Melbourne, and there's lots of Vietnamese and Chinese and so on. I had crispy quail. Have you ever seen me eat crispy quail? I'm sorry for any vegetarians or vegans out there, but it's a bones and all sort of consumption. It sounds really gross. If I was dating you, that would have been just a deal breaker.
00:09:09
Speaker
Yeah, I mean maybe that's why we're just friends. Crispy quail, really for six months into the relationship. But yeah, my husband now remembers the first time I ate crispy quail and that's when it sealed the deal for him. Maybe if you were an e-harmony you guys would have just connected over. Do you eat strange small flightless birds together? Checkbox, yes. Do you crunch all the way through the bones?
00:09:33
Speaker
There's nothing left. I just go for it. And I remember another date I had. This was somebody who was only a first or second date, actually on the same street, a restaurant just up the road from Quail restaurant.
00:09:49
Speaker
And he said, do you like spicy? I'm like, yeah. He's like, oh, you got to try this duck curry again with the birds. Sorry, sorry, birds. And I had and it was so hot, but I was so stubborn and wouldn't admit that it was really hot. But literally like my eyes and nose and like everything, I was flushed and I had to go to the bathroom and I was just like inhaling water, which was just making it worse and choking and
00:10:16
Speaker
Yeah, that was a
Humorous Dating Mishaps
00:10:18
Speaker
moment. You would have looked delightful coming out of that bathroom. Yeah. Did you get another day? It did. Yeah. Yeah. Did you back it up with quail? Just some duct quail.
00:10:31
Speaker
Actually, a housemate and this same guy dared me to eat a chili hole. I just had to chew it, I think, for 20 seconds and then spit it out. That's a long time, a 20-second chew. I didn't back down from dares for a very long time in my life. I just took it.
00:10:52
Speaker
They laughed so hard. They were just rolling around on the ground. I was crying. I was just in the bathroom, under the sink, sweating, crying, snotting. It was good times. I don't do that anymore. Don't dare me to eat chili because I'll just be like, no, it's not happening. You just can't eat anything anymore. I'm just a bit old and sensitive now.
00:11:14
Speaker
All right. So where should we begin? Do you want to hear some of the stories or should we? No, we definitely need to hear some of the stories. All right. I'll give you one and then maybe we can go to that book because I feel like that's part of the story as well. So I remember there's one guy, looks at deceiving, right? On these, on these sides. You got your good angle, got your good side. You got both your eyes in the same direction.
00:11:44
Speaker
And that's not always the truth, really. So I met this one guy at a beautiful place in Melbourne, beautiful wine bar, stunning place. And back then, and it was, I would say like 18 years ago. Yeah, about that. $20 glasses of wine. That was a lot back then. That was like a really fancy glass of wine.
00:12:07
Speaker
Anyway, this guy rocks up, and I didn't think it was him because he didn't look anything like his picture. He had a very lazy eye, so only one would meet me, which is fine if you're expecting it and you're used to it, but on a first date when it wasn't apparent, it was very confusing. Which eye did you focus on?
00:12:32
Speaker
I tried not to focus anywhere because it just got worse and worse. He had a Palm Pilot. Do any of our listeners know what a Palm Pilot is? It's like before Blackberry's.
00:12:46
Speaker
Yeah, I think it was before. I had that tiny little pen that came with it. I'm pretty sure it had a pen. But this one also had about seven elastic bands holding it together. It sounds like something dad would do. Yeah, dad would definitely do that. And our dad would also do this next thing. He wanted to play like some anagram game with me. So he, you know, would say I would have excused myself to the toilet. Well,
00:13:16
Speaker
And I got into the game and then I went again and he's like, whoa, not your turn. Like, oh, he scolded me. He told me off. Then he also told me he can't drive. I think he had a medical condition. I'm not feeling sympathetic for him at this point. And he lives with his mum and his mum dropped him off. I think he was in his early 30s.
00:13:44
Speaker
It was just not painting a very good picture. These sorts of things need to be disclosed prior. I think we need more phone sessions. I think this was early on when I wasn't really having a good phone session. Anyway, so I remember I ran to the bathroom. I called you up.
00:14:02
Speaker
and then got you to call me when I sat down. And it was so fake and contrived. It was like, oh no, grandma. Oh, of course, I'll be there soon. Hung up, sculled my $20 glass of wine. And ran out the door. Yeah, literally escaped down the stairs. That was probably one of the most amusing and terrible ones.
00:14:28
Speaker
Yeah, I had lots. I went on a date on Brunswick Street to a cocktail bar that's still there. And I had spoken to this guy on the phone before, sounded okay because I always did the phone check first. You were smart.
00:14:46
Speaker
When he turned up, I immediately knew it was not going to be okay. Firstly, he was dressed like Jerry Seinfeld, and this would have been 15 years ago, so that wasn't that good. Even for a Seinfeld fan like you. Yeah, it just was not okay.
00:15:03
Speaker
And then we opened up the menu. He seemed completely overwhelmed by just what to choose. Like, just didn't know the button standing there. He's like, do you want a beer? We want a glass of
00:15:19
Speaker
Why? I thought it was just a drink choice. Just a drink choice. Yeah, it was in paralysis. Maybe shit together, man. And then so I said, what would you recommend cocktail wise? And he said, if you want something just a little bit sweet, it's got a bit of citrus in it, but it's quite fun. And it was like a spring afternoon. I'm like, that sounds good. Anyway, he just piggybacks off my order.
00:15:48
Speaker
He just got what you were having. And he just said, oh, okay, I'll have one of them too. I'm like, this is not going well. For Amber, she doesn't want it. No, between the shoes. What were the shoes? Just like white trainers with... I'm wearing white trainers. Like, like, daggy white, like, Essex type trainers. Yeah, I'm not on a date with you. Okay. And just, yeah, terrible jeans. Like, I just knew, yeah, it was not, it was not gonna...
00:16:16
Speaker
And he was so overwhelmed and complimentary of like how cool Brunswick street was. And I'm like, Oh God, like this is not, wow, this bar's like really cool. Like really. And I'm like, Oh, no, no. If you think this is super cool and you're going to say that out loud. And, uh, and then he just went on to talk about, yeah, how he lived with his mum and,
00:16:42
Speaker
What? I mean, let's not open. It's okay to live with your parents for certain age. He was 35. Not really. Okay, not really. No. You know, maybe if you're in between houses and, you know, you've just sold a house. It has to be extenuating circumstances, like it's burnt down. Burnt down. I was going to say, it's got to be a fire for Amber. I'm a little more lenient, but if it hasn't burnt down, you know. Burnt down, termite infection. Infestation.
00:17:11
Speaker
What else would be okay? It's been accidentally demolished. That would be possible. How would it be accidentally demolished? I don't know, just the wrong house got taken down. So really, not at all. Nothing is acceptable. Other than that, no. And I also don't want to hear about you. You're having your floorboards redone? I could accept that. It's been good floorboards, takes a couple of weeks to cure. Go back at home just for a temporary. Right. You're having a pool put in? I think we can move on.
00:17:41
Speaker
reasons. You're getting a great indoor pool put in at an outdoor Pagola area. I can't even remember where we were now.
00:17:55
Speaker
Yeah, so that was it. Okay. All right. You got the drinks. That's where we were. Yeah, we got the drinks and then the conversation was just so horrendous for the rest of the time. With the drinks, the pink. The fluffy pink cocktail. Yeah. So it was a fluffy pink cocktail. It was like a sort of a, yeah, and it had, you know, like the fairy floss on it. Kind of like once we got it Barbie. Yes. Yeah. Oh, they were really, really awful. But I just, the fact that
00:18:21
Speaker
See, if he had chosen the fluffy drink, that's cool. That's different. That was his choice. He's like, I feel like I need a sugar here. I'm going for this. I'm man enough to accept this. But not to just piggyback. Just piggyback. Don't piggyback on your first date. No. Don't piggyback on your first date. Don't physically try to piggyback anyone on the first date and then don't piggyback any menu selection choices. On a first date. All right. Is that like, can I piggyback on a menu selection?
00:18:50
Speaker
On a first date? Oh, I shouldn't do it either. Not that I'm going to be dating. Yeah, this is not a gendered thing. This is just general. You just shouldn't do that. No. OK. So we don't like- You gotta start strong with an independent perspective. Right, OK. Yeah, OK. Maybe I- Well, you're married, so it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. I'm not sure. Maybe I can be back. Everyone else out there listening, don't piggyback. Don't piggyback. All right? Make a strong, independent decision. Right. Because also, we're not out there just to please, right?
00:19:18
Speaker
In the first age, you're not there just to please, you're there to interview, really. Exactly. You're not telling me anything that you're potentially spineless, inexperienced, and completely out of your comfort zone by choosing my cocktail.
00:19:33
Speaker
Right. Tell us how you really think about it. It's not this. I wasn't vibing yet, so there was no date too. No date too. I once had a guy rock up in a terrible Christmas jumper as if he'd just come from... I mean, I love a good, ugly Christmas knit. Was it December?
00:19:54
Speaker
I can't remember. I don't think it would have mattered when it was because it was not. He wasn't wearing it ironically or on his way to a party. He was wearing it and I think his grandma knits him. And again, I don't care how much you love your grandma. Who was the woman? Was it like Jenny Key that did those jumpers or Kendone? Who did the jumpers at least to sell the international airport? I don't know. I think dad has like 10 of them.
00:20:21
Speaker
So it was ugly. It was bad. And I thought maybe ironically, it would be OK, but it wasn't. He then proceeded to apologize for being late. But not for the jumper. But not for the jumper. Late because of public transport. And I'm like, that's cool. We live in the city. That's fine. He's like, because I'm not allowed to drive anymore. Again, a non-driver. Because I've had too many accidents because I'm a crap driver.
00:20:52
Speaker
Why would
Speed Dating and Agencies
00:20:53
Speaker
you lead with that? That's just too much sharing. You come in. I don't even know that. That is just something you take to the grave. I don't even think I finished my drink there. I ordered a beer and I'm just like, no, I don't even think I need to finish this. Yeah, I think I didn't even pretend. I'm like, you know what? This isn't going to work. I'm leaving. Bye bye.
00:21:13
Speaker
and left. I've got to be 10 years forward driving yourself to hospital because your partner can't drive because they were so terrible. Yeah, that's not cool. That feels safe, doesn't it? I became quite ruthless after a while where I'd just be like,
00:21:31
Speaker
At one point, I built a vision dating board. Did you do that? No, because you've talked about your vision dating board before. That was a solid investment in time. I know we did races before about the height restriction thing.
00:21:48
Speaker
I think in terms of dating methods, between online dating, speed dating, and then a dating agency. So I went to a dating agency. Oh, that's a bit fancy. It's like an American agency. That's like in a 1990s movie or something. Yeah, it was like $5,000 or something. It was quite expensive. She was crazy. And you go through the... Yes, I was.
00:22:11
Speaker
Uh, and you go through the, you know, the screening process and anyway, and then they organize the, I think it was called something terrible, like love and lunch, or it was like something really bad. Speed dating. We haven't talked about that. No, we haven't.
00:22:27
Speaker
But they organized the lunch for you at a restaurant, which is nearly worse because the restaurant knows you're turning up for the date, which is, you know, you just get these sad sympathetic looks. And they kept sending me on dates with very short men.
00:22:46
Speaker
I said to them, I have a height of, you know, I have a height requirement. I was like, you must be this height to ride. Okay. The height requirement was to piggyback this person. You need to be at least this height. So it was a minimum of six foot, which I thought was being generous because really the target was six three above. I was just imagining you being piggybacked by a short guy and your legs just like to be towing along the side.
00:23:15
Speaker
Um, and so, yeah, they kept sending me on dates with, you know, like five foot six, five foot seven, and I'm five foot seven. I don't want someone the same height as me. No, it's not going to work. And then she told me I was too fussy and that I should lower my standards. And I'm like, well, that's why I'm paying you to find me someone over six foot. Didn't think it was that difficult. Hmm.
00:23:40
Speaker
So that didn't work. That was money not well spent. And I did send a scathing email also about the quality of the service. Angry emails. I just write the angry emails in my head. I don't often send them, but... Well, I did in this instance. That was worthy.
00:23:56
Speaker
A second ago you said, I said you were desperate and I was joking and you said, no, I was. It made me think of the different times in dating and the different level of desperation and where that puts you.
00:24:15
Speaker
I remember a time, probably leading mid to late 20s I would say, and I just had this drive to have kids. It felt quite unfair because it didn't feel like it was coming from
00:24:33
Speaker
a place of values or where I wanted to be in my life. It actually felt like it was... Biological desire. Biological drive, like it was just trying to escape me, not in a wandering, uterus way. It wasn't kind of going out.
00:24:49
Speaker
You know the term wandering uterus? No. It's like, you know, kind of predate hysteria, like your uterus is wandering in the female body. And that's why, you know, that was the cause of so many female complaints. And then later on, they would become hysterical, you know? Okay. Let's, let's not go. Who's without people? The wandering uterus? The wandering uterus. Surely there's a Netflix series about this. Yeah. Anyway, it did feel quite biological, but it made me quite, um,
00:25:19
Speaker
quite desperate, really, and combine that with a time where I didn't feel very
00:25:25
Speaker
you know, comforted in my body or comforted in myself. There were definitely times where I felt, um, I don't know, where I dated people that I really shouldn't have dated or, or became a little bit more clingy and those desperate vibes, they're a bit gross. They're not good. No. No. How many dates did you go out? Like what was the most amount of dates you went on with someone from one of the sites? Yeah.
00:25:56
Speaker
Probably only about four. Yeah, one's the same. Three or four at most. Yeah, there was... Oh my God, that's so embarrassing to me. I once dated a stand-up comedian. I dated a stand-up comedian too. Teaching? Yeah. Wasn't the same one. No. And I really... I was really... He was six foot six. Oh no, this guy was much sure. Actually, he was under six foot. There's no way he would have been into this guy.
00:26:19
Speaker
Anyway, I really liked him and at the time, and please don't judge me people, like we've all been young before, I was doing open mic poetry nights. I remember when you went through your open mic. And do you know, I still get a little bit of a trauma response when I hear somebody do the, you know, the click click they do instead of clapping at like parts of the standard. I don't like it at all.
00:26:48
Speaker
But it was a way of expressing myself. And I, on our second date, got up and did stand-up poetry in one of my really heartfelt poems. And he was there. And you get pretty deep in your own. Oh, it was deep back then. And it's the porn star voice, mixed with therapist's voice, mixed with life. But I also had, I was getting into the poetry rhythm as well. I was trying to mimic some of that poetry. I see the gyrating, facial and body movements that Jade is making now.
00:27:17
Speaker
Very uncomfortable, very uncomfortable. And it might have been the next date where I was literally standing on the street and he never showed up. Yeah. Poetry was out. Did you do that again with any other dates? I don't think I did poetry again after that. So, yeah, poetry is probably not a good one early on in a relationship.
00:27:44
Speaker
I dated a stand-up comedian too, although I'm pretty sure he was sort of a B grade stand-up comedian. He was exceptionally funny, but what we sort of, we did actually date for quite a while actually, but not in a serious way. But I think what we discovered was, well, certainly what I discovered, A, he was quite dark and tormented.
00:28:08
Speaker
Well, so many of the comedians are. Yeah. And the other thing was we just continually tried to outsmart each other. And so it was just a constant battle of intellectual wit. We're just constantly tried to one up each other. And so it wasn't a particularly relaxing. No, then it becomes a bit more kind of
00:28:31
Speaker
picky and it can get a bit dark then. Yeah, it was. Yeah, so it wasn't a good vibe. That's a good vibe. No, I ended that. So, in the same time as I was dating this comedian, my friend and I who lived together
00:28:47
Speaker
This is when I was working with you, read the book. What was the book? You've got it up there. What was it called? The Complete Book of Rules, Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right. Oh, now, ladies, doesn't that sound like feminine movement in... That sounds delightful.
00:29:10
Speaker
Time tested secrets for capturing the art of Mr. Art. That's surely going to have been written by an American. I'm sure it was. It's at the same time that the book The Secret came out. The Secret came out a little bit later, but this is the prequel to the secret. It was equally as flawed
00:29:35
Speaker
Though some of the things it said were like, don't answer messages straight away. Don't answer the first time he calls. Play hard to get. Don't book new dates on a Friday night because that's giving them your opportunistic, you know, your golden time.
00:29:57
Speaker
You've got to do a Tuesday night. Don't be too interested. Don't message straight away the next day. Wait for him to message you.
00:30:07
Speaker
Jesus Christ. Did you try any of these? Oh, yeah. I was like living this philosophy, lady. It wasn't working. No. No, but it was it's so cringy to think about it now that I'm like, oh, yeah, I don't want to be so desperate. I've got to like, you know, play hard to get a bit. Oh, sorry. I'm only available Tuesday from six till seven.
00:30:31
Speaker
Like how non genuine is that? If you free Friday night, you free Friday night. You want to catch up? You don't. Yeah, it was actually quite nauseating to think about now.
Dating Anxieties and Games
00:30:42
Speaker
I wonder if those games still go on. Oh, of course they do.
00:30:46
Speaker
Yeah, of course they do. I work with people, I hear people's stories, the younger people that I work with and they're, oh, should I call him? Should I not call him? Have I messaged back too quickly? Now he's not messaging me. They're still going on, but having a book telling you that it's okay for them to go on rather than building that anxiety rather than actually being genuine.
00:31:14
Speaker
I've got to tell you a story about the guy living with his mum that was sending the buff photos of himself. He had a gym set up at home. He was about 37.
00:31:32
Speaker
57 and still living at home. It's a bit creepy. It was creepy and... Unless your house is burnt down. And he was creepy and he called my work and I had not given him where I worked. I had not even given him the stalker. I'm trying to think even how he got my last name. There was something... No, it wasn't... I think I...
00:32:02
Speaker
told him maybe where I'd grown up or there was some part of the conversation that he had literally been pieced together and done some sort of Google search and then called my work because I wasn't returning his calls.
00:32:17
Speaker
And then that's desperate. I'm sure the rules book would not have condoned that. He went on and on and on. And I just was not. I went on one date with him. I probably had two phone calls and was just not interested at all. Like he was way too into his gym. That was never going to be my vibe. Yeah. So I knew it was never going to work.
00:32:42
Speaker
And he kept sending me these photos of himself working out, or he was always topless, which I just thought was a bit creepy. I don't want to see them. And then, yeah, he called my work. Do you want to see them? What is them? Anything underneath, anything lower than the tracksuit pants that he had on. And then when he called my work, I'm like, actually, this is just not OK.
00:33:09
Speaker
And he'd like, he'd sent me like 30 emails. What? Yeah, it was just getting, it was getting bad. So I had to threaten to call place. Like I just said, if you continue to harass me, like it was becoming harassing. And then I think I went off RSVP for well over a year after that, because I was just scared off. I was just like, this is not cool. And then I think I went through my speed dating phase. So I went back to analog.
00:33:39
Speaker
Old school, face to face. Speed dating or? Speed dating. So I went to my first speed dating was right in the city and it was in this bar that obviously had been the whole bar had been rented out for these little speed dating things. Was it the one near the soup one near
00:34:03
Speaker
The laneway on that one. Not one in Richmond. No, no, no. This was right in the city. What's the laneway to Graves? Yeah, it would have been somewhere near there. And then you go upstairs. Yeah, it was definitely upstairs. Yeah. And then go into the same one. Yeah. And it just had the oddest collection of males.
00:34:28
Speaker
to interview. It was almost like a line up. Like when you see in the movie and they've just got a whole heap of... It was weird. I had absolutely nothing in common with any of them. So I did not, you know how you've got a check box for who you're connecting with. I never went and met one after them.
00:34:47
Speaker
So there would have been, I reckon, 15. Geez, that's a lot to get through, isn't it? 15 guys. And I think you did multiple rounds with them. And didn't the girl stay in one seat and the guy moved along? Yeah, the guy moved around. Yeah. And we don't want to have to get up. No.
00:35:03
Speaker
Yeah, it was really, it was terrible. And then so afterwards, there's, you know, like a bit of kind of mingling at the end, which is always, it's even worse. It's even more awkward. Yeah, networking, but for dating. And what I was most surprised about and actually then also most heartbroken by was just
00:35:26
Speaker
All of the girls were just really good looking, really fun, just great, smart women. Of the 15 girls, eight of us ended up going out for cocktails that night together. From the speed dating, no one connected with a guy but eight of us
00:35:46
Speaker
went out for another three hours drinking cocktail. I think I could do speed dating for friends. Is there a thing? Maybe there's not a thing. Maybe I need to start a thing. No. But I'm like, they were just smart, sassy. And I'm like, this is really sad. And the guys had harm pilots. Yeah. They were not OK. They were. There was one guy where as soon as I sat down, I'm like,
00:36:09
Speaker
I can just tell this is not going to work. And it wasn't just on his appearance. He was just, it wasn't okay. I went to the bathroom and just stood at the sink and waited till the bell rang. I just did. And then the bell rang and I came back out again. Sorry. Gee, time's up. Goodness. Goodness me. And then I went to another one in Richmond. I don't know if you ever went to that one on Church Street. I don't know. I can't remember.
00:36:39
Speaker
that had just as many unsuccessful executions.
00:36:47
Speaker
But there was one guy who was just like really good looking, you know, quite shy. But we had a lot in common. We had a good chat. I'm like, OK, so I checked him and then he checked me and I'm like, oh, my God, like this is a miracle to happen. And and I can't remember. I think afterwards you can't sort of say you're going you have to wait for the
00:37:15
Speaker
Um, details to come back. So the next day or a couple of days after he called me and I'm like, oh, awesome. Cause he was really good looking and looking forward to going on a date with him. Do you know what he said? Oh no. What do you say? He's like, I really enjoyed meeting you, but I have to be honest. And am I gay or like what's happening?
00:37:38
Speaker
He's like, I only came because my therapist said I needed the practice because I have social anxiety issues. So why did you tick the box? Why did you tick the box?
00:37:56
Speaker
Exposure therapy for him, and not like exposure therapies a thing, look it up, it's not like exposing. Yeah, not just me exposing and then piggybacking him home. That's not how it's going to roll. Oh my God. You didn't have to tick the box, mate. You kind of just turned up. And if he did tick the box,
00:38:14
Speaker
And he did then like you. He didn't have to tell you. No. He just could have gone on one more date and then that bit. Right. And not that I'm saying. It would have been more exposure therapy for him for free. Exactly. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with telling somebody you have a therapist because it's commonplace. But actually, at that time, it was not commonplace to say I have a therapist. No. Or as accepted as it is now, let alone I'm only calling you because my therapist sent me there. Yeah.
00:38:42
Speaker
So, these will feel good moment. I don't think I went on speed dating again. You didn't continue to see this fella? No. No. No, you didn't help him out with his therapy. No, I did not. I didn't care about his therapy. No, you didn't. Okay, cool. How long we been rambling?
00:39:04
Speaker
Anything else? Getting into the wrong Uber? Is that part of this? That's my semi-precious man. Oh, sorry. I just gave it away. Do we have any tips for the generation that are dating now or is that too wanky? Yeah, I just don't even know. Don't read the rules book. Don't read the rules book or the secret.
00:39:27
Speaker
Don't read either of those. I would say though, I think it's smarter to take a photo of yourself that mildly underplays your actual aesthetic because there's nothing worse than turning up and being disappointed because someone hasn't met expectations.
Profile Pictures and Online Success
00:39:50
Speaker
Well, yeah. And you know, like you see so many photos of
00:39:55
Speaker
well, just people in general, but women, because they have the advantage of makeup and hair and jewelry, and they've clearly just taken it from a very specific angle.
00:40:08
Speaker
On that note, I remember on the RSVP days that I had a decent photo of myself, not a bad photo, but it wasn't a sexy photo or anything. Then one of my friends took a photo and
00:40:28
Speaker
just it had the right angles. I was made up. It was cleavage. It was a sexy photo. And my friend dared me after a few drinks to change my profile pic to that. And I did. And within like
00:40:45
Speaker
No kidding, within an hour, I was the number one. Do you remember the rankings? Yes, the rankings. The most viewed. I hit this new record high and it stayed there.
00:41:00
Speaker
Now it wasn't the genuine me of all angles. It was just this flattering booby sexy photo and it was awful. I had to change it back because firstly, you're just kidding guys that are only attracted to the picture. They weren't even time to read the profile.
00:41:20
Speaker
There wasn't even going into picture three or four. No, no, you just got the superficial guys. You just got the people that were out there for that book. It also shouldn't be people who only had one photo. Don't give us one photo. No. That's too misleading. I need to see you from multiple angles and multiple outfits.
00:41:38
Speaker
Yeah. Not just, yeah. Just the one. And because if I spotted a fishing top or a fishing shot in there, yeah, it was all over. Or like a singlet top, like a tang singlet top. Bing tang. Yeah, that was out. It wasn't going to work for you. No. No. Yeah, you need the multiple shots to make an assessment. Background environment.
00:42:00
Speaker
Don't have your arm around your ex-girlfriend and chopping her out. I have seen so many of these and they confess to it later. You can still see the blonde hair poking out from the side. She looks skinny. Don't do that. Don't do that either. That was crap. In saying that, I did meet my husband on RSVP.
00:42:23
Speaker
Wow, she just drops that in there. I do feel like my photo was a bit misleading. I don't think my photo said mouthy feminist.
00:42:40
Speaker
So I had, it was a shot taken from Fiji. So I had one of those cocktail glasses with the frozen cocktails. It was like a pink one. Was it just one photo, Amber? Are you saying you put one photo? No, I had lots of, but this was my hero photo. And so my hair was up in some sort of messy barn ensemble.
00:43:05
Speaker
So you look like a relaxed sort of... I looked relaxed. I also had like a watermelon pink shoestring strap dress on, which for anyone who knows me, it's not really her. None of those things are my vibe. So I think I came across as like... When in Fiji.
00:43:24
Speaker
Easy going and breezy and feminine and girly, loving my cocktails. Sounds like a sanitary commercial, really. And I just had this very twee sort of smile on my face, but yeah, it wasn't me. Anyway, I worked for this in this instance.
00:43:42
Speaker
It did, and he's suffering the consequences. He's suffering the consequences now. Misguided. Yeah.
Meeting Her Husband Online
00:43:50
Speaker
But he was on RSVP for 48 hours, and I was on for nearly eight years. So this says something about this. I told him he just got lucky, and he's like, well, statistically, I feel like it's the opposite is that you got lucky. She just brainwashed him.
00:44:11
Speaker
and saying unto you so fortunate that you found this amazing cat. You're so fortunate that you got the mutton that's seen on here for eight years. I did continually renew and rejuvenate my profile there. Oh, not after. Sorry, I got confused. No, before he came along. Yes. Right. Good. Yeah. Not after. Yeah, you had to change it up. But wasn't it amazing how you would change it up and get
00:44:42
Speaker
guys that had overlooked you in the first instance. It was always awkward when I found clients on there. Yeah, that would be awkward. If I did, you know, if I was in the dating scene now, that would be really awkward. We seek patience. I guess I wasn't a couple therapists. Your profile is not true.
00:45:07
Speaker
Well, we're still working on these issues. This is a bit preemptive. This is just a story. This has not happened. All righty. Anything left? Any other dating shenanigans? No. But are you going to write a book? You just want me to write the book. Whereas I feel like I'm on more serious topics now.
00:45:31
Speaker
We'll just write a book then. I know. I start a new book each week. Don't try to digress into it. I can't talk about these frivolous things. I probably can. I do have a new book idea like every week and I started and sometimes it just sits there on my computer in a Word document.
00:45:52
Speaker
not even saved or titled. Like just sitting there, just waiting to die. It's just like risking. This just fills me with anxiety. What are you doing? I don't know. That's just how I live. I have to have it saved, categorized, year, draft, and finished. I don't even know where to find it once I close it. I don't even know where it's gone. It's like somewhere in there. I haven't even figured out how to work my Mac at the moment. I'm just a bit confused. If you were single now though,
00:46:20
Speaker
Would you go back to online dating? Yep.
00:46:24
Speaker
I would. You know, I still have lots of people coming in and they're like, how'd you mean? Online. So it's still working. I think in actual fact, I probably didn't need to then, but I would need to now because back then it was just, you could just go to bars or go to barbecues or your friends. And there was lots of people at the barbecues that were still single of your friends and so on and so forth. Whereas now everybody's
00:46:52
Speaker
I still feel disappointed that I didn't meet my husband reaching for the same book in a bookstore because that was my pipe journey. Oh, she's a romanticist. That's not the word. Romantic. That would have been
Efficiency in Dating
00:47:08
Speaker
nice. Look, I still like to think that can happen for people. For you, one day. One day.
00:47:19
Speaker
You know what? I'd still probably do it the same way. Have I learned any lessons? No. Cause I think I got efficient at it and it didn't, it didn't work for me, but I don't think that's obviously, it's not the case that it doesn't work for everybody. You know what I would say is don't waste time having long messaging sessions with them.
00:47:48
Speaker
You get their details, you exchange details, you have a phone call, you feel an okay vibe, you meet them, you move on. How many people waste time talking and messaging back and forth? Oh, you're just wasting you. It's a bit of a false banter, the old text banter, isn't it? It is. Yeah, you could just see them and just go, yeah, exactly. You got to meet quickly. That's what I learnt in the end. You got to talk and then meet quickly and then
00:48:15
Speaker
Move along. I would have had hundreds, I would say, dates. Oh yeah, we haven't even talked about volume. Yeah, I had lots. Yeah, I had lots. I was too. Plowing through that. I had free time. Like, you know, get home from work, get home from the gym.
00:48:32
Speaker
What are you going to do? Just put three dates in. Just pop in a few dates on a Monday night. And especially because the bars were only like a five minute walk from my house. It's very easy. You're well located. Yeah. Did anyone ask you to meet the Sagamis? I don't know. There was. Was there one? Yeah. Sagamis been around for years. Sizzler. Sizzler. Oh my God.
00:48:54
Speaker
No, I only went to my locals or a few nice wine bars. I don't think I went to a nice wine bar after I had to scold my $20 glass of
00:49:09
Speaker
Pinot noir or whatever it was because that was a lot back then. I tended to kind of just then stick to a beer or a housewife or something. No way I could just leave it if I needed to. Ditch and run. Skull and run. It's easier to skull a beer. I've done it lots and lots of times.
00:49:29
Speaker
Yeah, I feel like a G&T would sit in that territory. Like, you can skull a G&T pretty quickly. Yes, but also, a G&T can be over pretty quickly if it's got a lot of ice. Well, I tend to ask for a tall glass with my G&Ts, but if I was dating, I'd probably just got a good old standard glass. Right, I think how? Three sips. We're out. Three sips, we're out. You just got a shot. Yeah, straight in.
00:49:52
Speaker
We could just line the shots up and just like, okay, you got one shot. All right. Next guy. Yeah. Next shot. Yeah. Did you say lip sip? Suck? Is that what you said? No. You know, tequila shots.
00:50:09
Speaker
Yeah, that wouldn't be cool for a first date.
Failed Drinking Experiment
00:50:13
Speaker
I do remember it might have been my fourth date with my now husband. I decided to have a cunning plan and get him drunk and me stay sober because he was coming to meet friends and you on that night.
00:50:30
Speaker
Why do you want drunk version of him? Well, I just thought, because I thought if he has a few drinks, then you'll be able to sort of suss him out and he'll be a bit looser. Oh my god, does he know this? Yeah, yeah. And what's so amusing, he does know this, is that, of course, I'm probably much less in control of my alcohol substance than he is, so I got drunk.
00:50:55
Speaker
He had to bring me home and I passed out on the lounge and he had just put a blanket over me. Yeah. Hashtag still married. There's the moment for you. And I'm like, damn it. That just completely killed my strategy. Back fight. Semi-precious moment. Where's our semi-precious?
00:51:15
Speaker
No, we don't have one. That's the gem. Oh, the gem. Do we have another one? Look, there were several little gems in there. I think it's all the little gems.
00:51:26
Speaker
I used to travel a lot, people. Haven't traveled in a few years. Recently went to Singapore with the family. I don't do too well when I'm hungry. We didn't have the buffet breakfast. Why did we not have the buffet breakfast? Anyway, woke up early. Had to wait an hour and a half for my family to wake up. So I'm in a hotel room with nothing to eat or drink, waiting for everybody to wake up.
00:51:52
Speaker
We didn't get to a breakfast place until 9.30am, which is 11.30 Melbourne time. That is not okay for me. I'm hangry at this point. I'm quite hot. There's a bit of a lead in because I want you to have sympathy for me and not for the other people around me.
00:52:10
Speaker
I'm overstimulated. There's lots of sights and sounds and smells and everything. My husband orders me because he can see I'm overwhelmed and when he can see that I'm overwhelmed and hangry, it's time for him to just step in and just order. There wasn't a croissant inside.
00:52:29
Speaker
So he orders me their toast set and I look at it and it just looks like little toast soldiers on the picture and two boiled eggs. I'm like, cool. Had a debate with the woman because I can't have lactose milk anymore and a bit of high maintenance. And she says with oat milk, I'm like, fine. That'll be fine. It'll be gross, but it'll be fine.
00:52:51
Speaker
So the coffee is pretty much black with like little floating curds. If you put milk into coffee, it's not great. It's not great. The toast is in little soldiers, two pieces of bread, and it's got like brown paste inside
Cultural Misunderstandings in Dating
00:53:05
Speaker
it. I have no idea what it is, but just the unknown was making me angry because I just wanted toast. And try to be paste. It wasn't. Anyway, so then I crack my boiled egg and it is completely raw, like the white
00:53:21
Speaker
everything. It looked like it had been attempted to be cooked because it was whitishness to the white, but it was all liquid. Then I'm like, oh, that must be a mistake. In another kind of bowl plate thing, I cracked the other one and it's the same. I just sat there staring at it and getting
00:53:41
Speaker
hangrier by the minute. So I'm like, all right, I'm like, I'm dry retching at this point. I've got to say something. There was a huge, long queue waiting for there to order their food, but I just had to go up. And so I've got the two raw eggs and these two like half bowl dishes. I said, I'm sorry, but my eggs are raw.
00:54:02
Speaker
And then as I'm explaining this to her, I'm like hand, she's like putting her hands out and I'm handing and then they all just like slip out onto the counter and like she's grabbing tissues and she's like, if you wanted them cooked, you should have told me. What? No, like I, like I just, I didn't need them like.
00:54:24
Speaker
over-cooked. I just needed them not raw. And then I was all flustered and I sat back down again and some other lady from the other table, she says, that's how they're served here. That is it. That's how they eat them. Raw. Yeah. I think they're called half-cooked eggs or something. Oh, that's so gross. Yeah. And I felt really
00:54:48
Speaker
like one of those angry entitled Westerners being really fussy and complaining. And I kind of was, but I honestly didn't know if I knew if the picture, other places had the picture of it and even said half cooked eggs or something.
00:55:05
Speaker
I just didn't know. Anyway, the brown paste on the inside was the bean paste and it was really sweet. So, they have this sweet bean paste and dip it into the raw egg. They came and bought me a cold, hard-boiled egg and I ate the cold, hard-boiled egg with my sweet bean paste toast. Sounds delightful.
00:55:29
Speaker
Then my 12-year-old was so furious with me. She was like, you are so embarrassing. How can you complain? I'm like, food hit my belly. I was fine again. Moral of the story is don't judge a hangry person. They're going to be crazy and rude and irrational. And I really wanted to go back the next day and apologize for being
00:55:53
Speaker
obnoxious tourist. I feel like that's just one of those cultural differences we don't know. It was. I just didn't know. There was no way I could eat the raw egg, but I didn't need to tip it over her, which I also didn't mean to do.
00:56:10
Speaker
Once in about year nine, my friend made fried eggs for me, which I later realized she can't cook at all, and served them and they slid off the fry pan, but were still
00:56:26
Speaker
like they had just been so lightly fried that even the whites were still transparent on the top. So the oak was like completely... Did you call it oak? Yolks. Oh, they said oak. Sorry. Maybe I did say.
00:56:41
Speaker
The yolks were completely yokey, but the whites were just still transparent. Oh, Amber, you've got to Google these.
Uber Mix-Up in Sydney
00:56:51
Speaker
It was just a pool, the whole thing with liquid. The whites were just a creamy liquid. Yeah, that's gross.
00:56:58
Speaker
All right, yours. I'm going to wrap this up. It's not very long. I was in Sydney recently and someone else was picking me up in their Uber, and so I didn't know what number plate their Uber was. I was just standing on the corner and they're like,
00:57:13
Speaker
We'll pick you up. And so an Uber, a car came past that was the same, of course, white Camry. The person in the front seat who had blonde hair was waving at me. So I'm like, well, that's the girl that I'm waiting for. So I jump in the Uber.
00:57:31
Speaker
And then it pulled over. It was just like stopped at the lines. And it wasn't my Uber at all. You just jumped in. I just jumped in and the girls like, what are you doing? Like she was just getting ready to get out. I don't know why she was waving. I don't know who she was waving to. Maybe someone behind me. I'm not really sure. And then and then I hopped out and then the client and the girl I was waiting for was in the Uber behind. So we get out of this other Uber and they're like, what are you doing?
00:58:00
Speaker
Yeah, I just got into the wrong e-bar. Anyway, so that was my hashtag semi-precious. Yours was a lot smaller. It was a lot smaller. Yeah. All right. Episode nine is going to be all about what I would tell my 25-year-old self, some of which we've disclosed here. Yeah. There's plenty. 25 was a good age. It was, personally. Yeah. I might have to ask my friend who is my
00:58:30
Speaker
oldest trend. What you were like at 24? What I should have told myself when I was 25. All right, well, if you'd like to keep listening to more of our ramblings, follow and subscribe on your Popcard platform of choice. Are we down on all platforms?
00:58:49
Speaker
Yeah, I think we're across the platforms. Let us know if we know, if you've got a platform of choice. Yeah. Anyway, thanks for listening. Until next time, embrace your uncut and unpolished selves. See you. Bye. Bye. This podcast represents the personal opinions of Amber and Jade. No content should be taken as advice or recommendations.