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Ep13 Neurosparkly New Mums
32 Plays2 months ago
This episode is certainly uncut and unpolished. Staying on brand here. No edits, snorts and all. Whilst the title might imply that this episode is for the neurodivergent new mums, it could easily be called ‘how to avoid burnout’, or ‘how to share the load’, or ‘how to reach out for support’, or ‘how to say no to the Sunday lunch with the in-laws if you’re exhausted or just needing time to yourself’. Jade share’s a long list of the things she would or wouldn’t do if she had her new parent time again. Amber reflected that she didn’t struggle with organisation and that we could punch her if we found this annoying. She also complained about her current lack of storage and Jade encourages listeners to not empathise with her due to the size of her wardrobe.
In conclusion, this episode is for any mum, or burnt-out individual that pushes themselves to do more and be more. You have permission to drop some of those balls, put some earplugs in and stop trying to meet those unattainable expectations.
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Transcript
Introduction and Land Acknowledgment
00:00:03
Speaker
You are listening to a semi-precious podcast hosted by an uncut and unpolished sisters, Amber and Jade.
00:00:13
Speaker
This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Tung Wurrung people. We make up the Federation of the Kulin Nation, the traditional custodians for over 26,000 years in the Khantan region but within the Macedon regions. We recognize First Nations people as the original storytellers and artists of this country and respectfully acknowledge elders past, present and emerging.
00:00:35
Speaker
Beautiful. Thank you, Emma.
Episode Theme: Neurosparkly Mums
00:00:37
Speaker
Thanks. Just be recording somewhere different. It is. As you can tell from that intro that we are recording Episode 13, Neurosparkly Mums, from a beautiful little Airbnb in Kainton, Victoria, which is absolutely lovely. Girls trip, girls weekend.
00:00:58
Speaker
So, Amz, why are we doing this episode? Why are we doing this episode? So, ah firstly, people have been harassing us because it's been a long time between episode 12 and episode 13. People meaning... Definitely Jade's fault. It's definitely Jade's fault. Me harassing her.
00:01:15
Speaker
for this episode. ah And I have a friend who has just had her first child. She is one of the most fabulous, neuro-do, virgin people I know, and I promised her a podcast so that she can listen at 3am while she's attempting to breastfeed without cabbages and all the other contraptions that go with breastfeed.
Challenges of Early Motherhood
00:01:37
Speaker
She might still breastfeed with the cabbages. Is that, you don't want her to breastfeed with cabbages? Well, the cabbages tend to say, they intimate to me that she is in pain. I'm hoping she's just breastfeeding and listening, not breastfeeding with mastitis. Right, gotcha. Okay. No cabbage breastfeeding, but if you are breastfeeding with cabbages. There's no shame if you know she uses a cabbage. I'm just hoping in this individual instance that she does not I'm trying to get an Amber to stop rubbing her hand up and down her legs, which is making that noise. Shushy sound. I will have to edit out later. um um No more shushing. Shushing. You can shush. Also, you may hear a little clink, which is my glass of gin hitting the marble coffee table. So if you do.
00:02:30
Speaker
that Or her playing with her rings right next to the microwave. We're up to a good start. We're sharing a microphone. We don't have headphones. We're going rogue. Alrighty, so I did take...
00:02:47
Speaker
some notes. Copious notes, actually. I did.
Neurodivergent Parenting Insights
00:02:50
Speaker
I was thinking about, because or we both became parents um well before realizing that we were neurodivergent, which means that we didn't really get to... I think I was just hard on myself. So I think there were lots of, lots more masking, lots of things I was pushing through feeling like, why can't I do this when everybody else does it?
00:03:17
Speaker
And so I wrote a list of things I never would have done and things that I would have done. Hmm. Yeah. My list is not a song. yeah But I don't feel it. Four adult points there. That's it. That's it. Yeah. What I will say is I don't feel like, and I'm curious to understand if other ADHDs don't feel this way, but I don't really suffer from the kind of Disorganized or like I'm super organized. And so I don't often, even though my mind is cluttered and I'm fidgeting a lot. Jason, look at me like you are a hot mess. Internal disorganization. Yes. I don't like when I, the baby thing was not tricky for me in that way, in a sense of the juggling, because I am good at juggling lots of things.
00:04:06
Speaker
It was tricky in other ways, but not in the way that I hear but ah about a lot of parents struggle with the overwhelm of coordinating things and babies. And so if anyone wants to punch me now for saying that. Yeah. ah Okay. Good. All right. Well, I'll try and start with mine and then you can counter how it might have been different. How about we do that?
00:04:31
Speaker
The first one but that came to me was I would never have tried to write thank you cards that never got sent. I have still found ah homemade Christmas cards and thank you cards that I lovingly wrote that were just like in my underwear drawer seven years later. So here is the hack now that we know. Firstly,
00:04:54
Speaker
If you do feel like you morally feel obliged or you have you're such an empath that you do need to say thank you, take a photo of the present and just send a text message. That's what I do now. Yeah. This this is the hack. Don't try and do the hand-done cards with your kids' faces on it, with all the presents in front of them, and then send it out to everyone.
00:05:16
Speaker
No, I'm halfway doing it for my daughter's 10th birthday. Half the p- but I'm still half Sam Tamba! I've done half of the kids' parents. Is it just the parents that you care about? No! So if you haven't received one from Jade yet... No! There are parents that I do care about that haven't got one yet because I was halfway through writing the messages that you did. So guess what you're gonna do after this once you finish it in? I'm going to finish. You're gonna finish the rest of them off. Exactly. Okay. also Parenting, new parent tip, so do that for all birthdays and when your baby is born, if you want to, but also don't feel obliged. Don't attempt to try and print one of those montages that you get printed that then you send to your obstetrician and the hospital and the chemist and the nurses and everyone else feeling like you need to do that beautiful thing. No, send a photo of your baby a gift, text messages, thank you, done.
00:06:11
Speaker
Absolutely. Yeah.
Strategies for Neurodivergent Parents
00:06:13
Speaker
I agree. I would never have tried to endure a play center without headphones, nor would I have agreed that they're a good place to meet up with other parent friends. They're not. They're not a good place. If you are neurodivergent, highly recommend outdoor venues. Exactly. Outdoor venues or venues that don't have fluorescent white lighting in them.
00:06:38
Speaker
Play centers are like the most torturous experiences for neurodivergent people. But with my second little neurodivergent can't sit still, they actually were a safe place for her to get all her energy out. So sometimes I would go there and put calming music on. But i i the trick is go alone. Don't go with your mum friends. Go alone so that you can just put some calm music on and maybe just watch the kids, as boring as that is, or put an audiobook on. But don't try and have adult conversations. Yeah, totally agree. Yeah. I tell you what good places are for meeting up, aside from
00:07:23
Speaker
cafes that have large outdoor areas big enough for a pram. um Libraries. No, because my youngest would just take all the books off the shelves and rip them off and then run. And then she'd climb the shelving unit. and If you have a child like Jade's youngest, don't take them to a library. I would take her to library story time and she would just trash story time. Okay. Depends on the child, really. Depends on the child, yeah. But ah yeah, the the play centre watch out. ah Now I'm shoozing my leg, sorry. Yeah, it was me that time. Yeah, it's shoozing. Yes, all right. I would never have tried to hold a conversation whilst chasing my child at a playground. I feel like that's kind of... I still do that. Not successfully to the person talking to me or...
00:08:16
Speaker
The child who's continually escaping. I think maybe I would still do it, but accept the fact that I wasn't going to finish a conversation. um And also accept how much it hurt my head to try and figure out what we were talking about and not just go off on another tangent. Or as now I would appreciate that that conversation is done and dusted and not try and get back to it. No, I should get back to it. Or try and call them back.
00:08:47
Speaker
Yeah. I used to call you back. No, I'm never going to call you back. No, it meant like when you're in the playground with your friend. Like then I, yeah. And that's because I was trying to be polite, but it was never going to work. No.
00:09:03
Speaker
I would never have put so many ah additional demands on my executive functioning, like trying to hold conversation in a playground ah whilst watching my child and trying to keep her alive. What other demands might I be talking about here that I haven't written notes on? Oh, OK. It's just a quiz. What do you think? I'm curious, Amber. What other demands? What other executive functions? Can we name the executive functions and what would I have been challenged with?
00:09:32
Speaker
um What about all the, is there something in all of the management of the medical, the medical components of early childhood? Yeah, I just didn't. You just didn't attend. I just did not. I just checked it out. The maternal health nurses were hit and miss. There's not. At best. I mean, what I would say, I definitely wished I had have been more prepared for bright light and noisy environment. Oh yeah. Absolutely. A lot of noisy environments once, like you can't control that because you're walking into clinics with kids screaming and early childhood centers and like just lots of noises. Lots of noises. I strongly urge getting some little loops or plugs that, yeah. Is that a plug for loops? Loops or plugs? Yeah.
00:10:29
Speaker
um Yeah, I think absolutely. And just while we're on maternal health nurses, I work with a lot of young mums that You know, I'm sure there are so many brilliant maternal health noise nurses out there, um but I don't think they realise what power they wield. Is that the right word? Yes. With young or new mums. So, second opinion, don't trust everything they say. I'm not saying don't trust them. I'm saying don't, you know, if they're saying you should be doing this or you shouldn't be doing that.
00:11:02
Speaker
Be curious. Yeah, look, I don't want to be anxious, but I would definitely say in my experience, those with much more experience, should I say, that potentially could be outdated philosophies on education, eating.
00:11:22
Speaker
But also, oh, yeah. Oh, the age of the maternal health. Yes. Yes. Yes. Try not to say the old bitchy ducks. OK, yes. But also, there are newer ones going, oh, this is the new thing now. We should be weaning them at this age. And then they keep changing their mind. Basically, the governing bodies. Swaddles, not to swaddles. Breastfeed, not to breastfeed. Yeah. Like what age are you supposed to start feeding them now? It went from six months, 12 months, four months, whatever it is. Start them on wheatbigs, don't give them these. It's very confusing. It was all a little too much and a little too confusing. Don't start them on Red Bulls or anything that has high allergens. But aside from that, you just got to trust your instincts.
00:12:09
Speaker
Yeah, I... Yeah, Red Red Bulls, Nutrigrain or Raw Carrot. That is a real one. Do not give kids Raw Carrot. But otherwise, tweaking has trust instincts. Trust us or your instincts. No, don't trust us. um All right.
00:12:33
Speaker
but Executive
Shared Responsibilities and Support in Parenting
00:12:34
Speaker
functioning. Well, I think there's a lot more in that and that might just kind of spill out as as we as we go through. I think for organization was definitely a challenge for me. Just keeping everything organized and everything was organized for a small amount of time and then it was really overwhelming. and um yeah That's my story. I didn't have that experience. Okay. But what I would say is um I would try and find lots of ways to scaffold the organization.
00:13:13
Speaker
around you. So put frameworks in place or reminders or like if you do struggle with the organisational part of your neurospicy brain, um just either rely on a partner or if you don't have a partner, just rely on good old fashioned apps, alarms, settings, get people to check in on you. It's just about, yeah, I suppose putting that scaffolding around so that you are protected.
00:13:42
Speaker
I think that is very true and I think on that I would probably use an app like we do now in my family because if you are if you do have a partner, the person who's staying at home predominantly with the children for whatever length of time that is becomes the information holder.
00:14:03
Speaker
yeah You know, how the baby best settles, what food, what doctor. Don't hold that information. You you got to share that information. So if you can jot it down in an app um that is shared between the two of you, everything from todo list to lists to just notes on the house running and the children, don't hold that information because that's That's actually where, whether you're neurodivergent or not, many mums end up in that burnout because they are holding too much information and doing too much. And that's where clients will come and say, I don't have ADHD, I have mum ADD. yeah Because you're doing too much and you're holding the information on your own. Share it. um And I'm sorry if there isn't anybody there for you to share it with. Just maybe do less. I don't know.
00:14:54
Speaker
Do less. Do less. Drop some balls. Take notes. Take lots of notes. I use my notes in my phone all the time. It's like my second brain. But the app like Todoist, the one I use where, you know, there's lists and such and you can share those projects or lists so that you can both add and subtract to it. That way I don't have to I don't have to verbally then go and share it again, which is... Yeah, you've done it once and then... Yeah, which is executive function. Now I've got to go and tell you all over again. Yeah, that is true. And actually a really useful resource for even just keeping stock of what you use. Like if there's a brand that you know works for your... baby or child, for example, then actually taking notes of, like, this is what we use. So if if someone says, hey, I need, um you know, do you want me to pick anything up on the way? You don't have to then rely on your brain to go, oh, fuck, like, what what was that brain? I can't remember the brain. What was the, take a photo, put it in your notes, and then you can actually just send that to the person to say, hey, could you pick me up some of this? Or you keep it left in that app and it's under the project.
00:16:07
Speaker
you know, the family project and for each individual child. And that goes the same for, you know, we'll often attach birthday present ideas, um all of those things. Do you always, do you still use Todoist? Yeah, we've gotten back into a better habit. Okay. Hubby and I, because we're, we're now both using it as a shopping list and, and you can be, it's great because you can be passive aggressive with it. So we can assign each other tasks And then if he's taking too long to do a task, then I can, I can up the priority on it. Can you send them rude notifications? I can, I can definitely up the priority. Have you done this? Yeah. Flag it. All of these things like hint hint, nudge nudge. Get to it. And I can relabel it like.
00:17:01
Speaker
Get me a fucking new front door now. Yeah, I like that. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't done that one for the front door yet, but that's what we can do after this. im ah All right.
00:17:13
Speaker
Here's what I would have done. Lowered my expectations surrounding commitments and organization. Yeah, commitments are a big thing. Just managing your energy. Like, it's okay to be completely focused on the baby. It's okay to not have capacity to have people over. Like, people who don't have children or potentially um don't understand the emotional energy it requires to regulate around other people.
00:17:50
Speaker
Don't understand that just someone popping in for a cup of tea is just, it can be quite stressful for a neurodivergent person. Absolutely. So not only because if they're like me, they'll scurry around and clean up the house in spite of... But sometimes I could, you know, helpful. If you tell me you're coming over, I'm going to do a really quick fast clean, including the skirting boards. But at a pressure when you should be resting because you've had one hour sleep. Okay.
00:18:16
Speaker
ah Don't use that for motivational techniques. No. And also just the, oh my God, have I got time to serve them? Then Jade's going to whip up a quick cake. um Because that's where you and I differ, right? You'd be, you'd be happy with a store book. Bring over some ice fauvos. I don't care. And I do have ice fauvos downstairs. I bought some. um And I also did make the dates last, so I do both. I got both expectations. um the The other one on commitments,
00:18:46
Speaker
is I would say give yourself permission to opt out of maybe going to the in-laws or going to that barbecue. If you have a partner sometimes it's okay to say No, can you go
Managing Social Commitments and Self-Care
00:19:04
Speaker
alone? I just, and I know we feel like we miss out. Oh, that's family time. It's precious valuable. So is sitting and staring at a wall on your own. So is just watching movie by yourself and just having no one need anything from you. And I think I would feel guilty not going.
00:19:25
Speaker
Yeah, to those events, to it to any event. And I pushed through so many times when I wasn't well. Do you remember our older sister, her 50th?
00:19:41
Speaker
Yes. We had like day-old children and I drove two hours to get there. Okay. we We had very small babies. Amber, I'd just gotten out of hospital. I was so run down because my youngest was just really really crying screaming for hours every day um for the first five weeks and so I ended up with a really bad chest infection in the hospital and I got out of I got discharged so I think I was only in for a night but I was still very very unwell and I got dressed put makeup on and took my brand new baby and
00:20:21
Speaker
and family and the toddler to the 50th because I didn't want to let them down. And in hindsight, yes, it was a ah beautiful milestone party. But if I would have understood. It was too much. I shouldn't have gone. There were definitely lots of instances where I felt obliged.
00:20:42
Speaker
um to do something, not because of any pressure that anyone else put on me, but just, I should. yeah It's the thing I should do. Or own internally I don't want to miss out. Or, you know, I don't want to feel like I'm being defeated by, my life's not going to change because I have a baby.
00:21:01
Speaker
But the reality is the person that it impacts the most is you, when you are highly likely the person whose body's going through all that change, who are trying to feed, who are um yeah not sleeping very well, going through hormone changes, trying to juggle potentially other children. When you've got another child as well, I think it was so much harder.
00:21:24
Speaker
with the second because you still have to go and do the kinder runs or, you know, the daycare and the, you know, you just out and about a lot more naturally. Yeah. So I think that's really important. um I would have spent less time in noisy environments. I think we covered that. Yeah, we did. I would have done that. And actually just, I just think in general, I am now, and I find since starting being in the perimenopausal phase, my noise sensitivity has gone through the roof, noise and light. yeah And so I really find now I take my pods everywhere or I'm wearing those little loops and sometimes just sunglasses inside because I can't stand fluorescent lighting. Yep. I would have
00:22:21
Speaker
Oh, one of the ones I didn't actually get to, I would never have tried to cook a meal during witching hour. Yeah, that is a good one. don't Don't do that. Put a slow cooker on or do it in the morning when you still got some energy in some earlier part of the day. Don't do it at the end of the day when everybody's screaming. The other thing I would say, if you have someone in your life that is prepared to make extra meals,
00:22:50
Speaker
And even offers to make extra meals. Don't be obliged to be so gracious to say, oh, no, no, it's okay. I'm okay. Yeah, to me. Like, that was one of my points there. Yeah. When people offer support.
00:23:07
Speaker
actually pre-think about what things could be useful as you continue on that journey of of motherhood because sometimes people making vegetable soup that you can put in the freezer or an extra thing of bolognese or Like is actually exceptionally useful when you're struggling or you're tired or like you said the witching hour or You know, you've just had a not not a very good day or you know when you've got a newborn baby, even if you have no other children Just getting out to a medical appointment is like your whole day gone Yeah, by the time, you know, the sleeping routines are completely rooted once you've been out. Rooted. Do we need to use that term? Yeah
00:23:48
Speaker
I mean, i Richard. All right. We're keeping that one. We're keeping it in. I've said it too many times now. like yeah aunts I It takes you back. No. Yeah, so that was one of my points. I would have reached out for more support as well, so not just waited for it to come to me and then knocked it back politely. um um would ah i I should have. And still, that's still a lesson for me.
00:24:15
Speaker
Now support in accepting support and reaching out for support, I just struggle until I burn out. So let's not do that. Let's not be me. Let's not be Jade. I would have slowed down. Oh, can I just say something else that really it's sort of between the bridge of those two things.
00:24:38
Speaker
um When like having a newborn baby is like one and a half people's jobs in because you are, your body is still recovering. You're doing a whole, like if you think about what people go through post-surgery, right? The trauma of childbirth is worse than most post surgeries that come with one week, two week, three week, four week recoveries where that person is not working and not doing anything but recovering. When you have a newborn baby, the trauma is just as great, if not greater or multiple times greater.
00:25:14
Speaker
yet we have to care for this baby, care for ourselves. And then often there's this is expectation that, oh, well, my partner's coming home from work. I'd better make sure that there's food for them more. I'd better, it's actually okay when you're caring for another human and yourself to just not be capable of doing that. So ordering in, asking, you know, again, using those, um if you have people in your support network that can, you know, make those meals, it's okay. You've already done enough.
00:25:44
Speaker
Yeah, I I was fortunate that in the early days that um my hubby would do Most of the cooking I'd start with with the first one he worked from home But even then he would put the slow cooker on just like he does Now even though our kid' older the I I'm hearing so many women say oh, but my husband Doesn't cook and I say I don't care. He can learn. I don't, I don't care. That's not an excuse to say that you've just had a baby and you're cooking and caring for the baby. No, somebody needs to cook for you unless... But also the myth around all my...
00:26:30
Speaker
husband or partner is going to work and therefore I have to get up all night. I'm sorry, but it's actually firstly, anyone who's been at home with a small child has said they would prefer to be at work than being at home with a small child, right? It's actually easier to be at work than it is caring for a small human.
00:26:49
Speaker
The last thing you want is the person caring for the small human and potentially getting in a car. To be so tired and fatigued that they are risking the mental health of themselves, the physical health of this newborn baby. I remember pulling my car over on the side of the road thinking that the car was broken.
00:27:11
Speaker
But it was actually me. I was so fatigued that I didn't know what was happening in my car. Yeah, I don't know why. Like it actually makes no sense. Like it still needs to be a take it in turn situation because in both.
00:27:24
Speaker
If you have gotten up five times to a screaming baby that does not need to be fed, we're just talking about resettling, not your um partner trying to breastfeed um if you're breastfeeding, but just resettling if you have a child like my youngest who was just a horrendous sleeper.
00:27:42
Speaker
um Yeah, it's ah it's actually unsafe to be the person who gets up just because you're not going into work, but you still have to get up and function the next day. You do. And keep a small human alive. It's true. And we know with, you know, mental health that sleep is very, very important. It is. and i It's a bit easier when you're so damn exhausted, maybe to fall back asleep, but I really struggle to go back to sleep quickly. So I would feel like I would get back to sleep and then be awake again. Like I didn't, you know, cause my brain switches on and then I think of all things that I should be doing. And um I don't remember feeling like this as a new parent, but maybe just cause it was so long ago. But now that I'm perimenopausal and my executive functions have gone,
00:28:33
Speaker
um Gone. It's just gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It has worsened in terms of my capacity to remember things, remember words. I often have anxiety now that I've left a baby in the car or left a child at home or somewhere that I forgot to pick them up. Right? Now, I know you parents have that anxiety all the
Fatigue, Executive Functioning, and Anxiety
00:28:58
Speaker
time. So I i did leave my eldest once at a coffee shop. Yeah. In in the capsule. but Just down next to the coffee table. yeah Walked out. Like, what am I missing? I got my phone, got my keys. It's a real thing because you're executive functioning when you're so tired and you're flooded with hormones after a new baby. It is... I forgot that she exists. A real thing.
00:29:20
Speaker
And so, ah for some reason, I'm now getting that anxiety again, even though I don't have a baby in a capsule. But I sometimes will just go, where's the baby? But I don't have it.
00:29:31
Speaker
Yeah, I wake up pretty much every morning going, what have I forgotten? Yeah. I've forgotten what I've forgotten. um And it's usually to get back to a client.
00:29:43
Speaker
um Reach out to support. I would have co-created and maintained a clear division of life admin and domestic labor. And that's, I guess, what we're talking about here. that Being at home does not mean you are doing five people's jobs.
00:30:02
Speaker
No. You can still be caring for a child and obviously, if you're in a financial position where you can afford potential luxuries of having external support, then definitely do that. Don't try and do like if that means getting a cleaner in once a week or once a four down and your family can afford that.
00:30:24
Speaker
do that. If that means that it's just not getting done, then that's actually okay. Or if you have someone in your family who can offer it to come in and mop the floors or clean the bathrooms, you know, once a week as a piece of support, take it.
00:30:40
Speaker
And that's where using, you know, the app like we use, if you put all of the weekly tasks on there and then whoever gets to them, gets to them, yeah you know, it's kind of like, oh, here, I'll do that one. Tick. I've ticked that one off. What's the game where you bob an apple? You stick your head in some ice cold water and pluck an apple out and How is that metaphor? I don't think that works. The metaphor is the app is the pocket of apples. It's actually less frustrating than trying to bog for apples. I think it's an easier way of dividing tasks. There's no message in the apple. I don't know what you're doing. Just drink your gin, lady. Just drink your gin.
00:31:31
Speaker
um
00:31:34
Speaker
I would have body doubled more often. Is that because you weren't happy with your body or? No, not doubling my body, but doing doing with, doing alongside to, because body doubling is awesome if you're feeling like you can't get through it.
00:31:58
Speaker
There's lots of different ways that you can use it, but basically it's having somebody working alongside you or being with you whilst you're doing whatever task it is. So, you know, say you've got a a good friend and they come over and body double you going through the kid's clothes. You know you have to do that.
00:32:19
Speaker
No, it's still the thing. You help them, they help you. Yeah, I know. It's still one of the bane of my existence and something I often just say, no, that's on to you now. I'm, I'm tired of this. Yeah, there's something in that sense of, and I know we've spoken about this before, right? Because we do have one of our sisters who has spent a life being a martyr.
00:32:48
Speaker
As in always perfect, always wanting like you never see her sort of slopping around. She'd never have a friend over without a full set of makeup or, ah you know, like there's no kind of...
00:33:02
Speaker
informality that you would have and I think it's setting up really good practices when you're becoming a new parent to just be okay with being in your pyjamas or whatever clothes they are and having someone come over and do the washing with you or You know, I don't know. Just sit and have a cup of tea even if you're doing something, the work. But without it having to turn into something that you need to cater for or that you you know need to clean up for. um I think it is really good practice and especially if it's your first child.
00:33:41
Speaker
to get comfortable with the uncomfortableness of not having a perfect house and not you know getting out your cheese platter board and you know serving people. it yeah It's something that I have struggled with too, in a sense, because I think this this did come from feeling so chaotic inside, feeling like if anybody opened any drawer or cupboard, it's absolute chaos. If they opened on the linen cupboard. I have linen cupboard trauma right now because I have ill-matching towels that have been spread between cupboards because we're spatially deficient in our current house. and i want sorry for I've got the linen cup.
00:34:28
Speaker
Because if you saw her wardrobe versus the tiny wardrobe my husband and I are now using and zero linen cupboard. Don't feel sorry for her. I'm just saying. people um filled with it a counsellor sopath i I think I struggled with it because if I put forward and i'm And I made an effort and put forward that I was doing everything and able to keep on top of everything. And then I would be perceived as doing a good enough job, whereas inside I was like, I should show. Hmm. So. So what am I saying now? I'm like, okay, i' I'm okay about being a shit show now.
00:35:15
Speaker
Yes. Okay. You're comfortable. i'm I'm comfortable. More comfortable. But I think the point around the clear division of life admin, I honestly think these conversations need to be had before you even contemplate having children.
00:35:31
Speaker
Yeah. And then they need to be updated. Do you know how many parents I work with? And even myself, you get to a point where now both people are working full time or close to full time and yet still the primary carer is still holding the information and the tasks. The position description has not been updated and the tasks reassigned. Yeah. that You know, many, many women are still holding when the doctors, you know, when they need to go to the dentist, when their clothes need to be reassessed, all of these jobs that we have just done and held on to. The non-visible labour. Hang on a second. Music's come in.
00:36:22
Speaker
But now we don't know what we were saying when we paused it. We paused it to get rid of the music. OK. So Division of Labor, back to that point, I suppose we are now in a broader understanding. I wouldn't say that it's mainstream, but a broader understanding that child rearing is the job.
00:36:43
Speaker
OK, when you are a child rearer, that does not mean that you have to do all the other domestic labor in the house. Just raising the children and taking care of the task of the children during the day is
Addressing Gender Roles in Domestic Tasks
00:36:55
Speaker
the job. You still have weekends, you still have cleaning, you still have cooking. These are all additional tasks that need to be co-shared. And can I just say, ladies, if if If you have a male partner and the male partner says, I'll do the outdoor tasks like mowing the lawn and the gardening, and then you're inside cleaning the bathroom with the kids under feet, that unless that's your real love, I would be switching that up. I would much prefer to be up a ladder pruning a tree with an electric ah we've had re reciprocating saw, listening to a podcast, which is what I did last week or the week before, than inside.
00:37:36
Speaker
wrangling the children. Like, oh, I'm going to do the lawns. No, I will do the lawns. And somebody say, oh, you know, he does the lawns. I'm like, you got to ride on mower. Like, that's fun. Yeah. And firstly, let's just balance out the duration and isolation of these tasks.
00:37:56
Speaker
Grocery shopping. How many mom new mums say grocery shopping is like so exciting when you don't have your child there? Just getting out of the house and like meandering through the store with no children. children that That is a thing that you can do because you get to leave the house, listen to your podcast, meander around. I wear cap and sunglasses also for sensory stuff. Yeah.
00:38:20
Speaker
And, you know, one of the nicest times to go to the supermarket is like a Sunday morning, like really early, not like super early, but early in the morning. You're going to the Woolworths where they have their neurodivergent hour? Where they have the lights down, the music down? No, I just wear sunglasses, cap, and my earbuds.
00:38:46
Speaker
I would have had regular well-being check-ins with my partner. Now, I wrote these notes a little while ago, so I'm not sure I write them. I don't know when I write them. But anyway, that obviously meant something to me at that time. I would have had regular well-being check-ins. I think that is actually true. I think that's important for both parents because it's a difficult time for both. It is a difficult time for both parents. You know, I know that there's a lot of There's a lot of challenges that when you're observing as the other parent, observing the the primary carer, there is a sense of kind of disconnection sometimes. I think that you're not youre not the primary carer, you're not there all the time. um So I think just it's healthy for every relationship, I think, to um have a check in. And if you're parenting alone, then it's, I suppose, nominating that support person to be that person that's going to check in with you.
00:39:44
Speaker
Mm, for sure. Absolutely. ah Anything else, Sams, on your list? Because we didn't actually get to your list. I actually forgot I hadn't listened as much. ah so We talked about noise cancelling, glasses inside. and We talked about social battery bay. That's everything from a... Wow, that was really comprehensive on your sparkly mum tips. I'm sure your friend would have gotten a lot out of that. What what are we recapping on? So it's planning.
00:40:18
Speaker
Planning with your partner division of labour because staying at home does not mean that you are doing all domestic chores. Being aware of the, I suppose, light and sound sensitivities around your baby, trusting your instinct and not feeling like you need to achieve absolutely everything perfectly. Saying no to events even if it seems to be framed as it would be impolite or that you're missing out on tree fun family things that sometimes that's going to be what you need to do. Yeah. um Trying, well we didn't talk about but
00:41:02
Speaker
trying not to ah start too many side hustles thinking, oh, I've got heaps of time to myself because now I'm going to be at home with the babysitter and now I'm going to try and start my master's and that's what i do twenty drafts or or go back to uni. Yeah, I started uni when I was like four months pregnant and then I did my degree over both children's pregnancies. um And that was going on campus three days a week in the city. So don't do that. Don't do that. I'm not saying you can't study anything, but manage your expectations of what you might have left over. And yeah, just the physical, I think the physical toll on a woman's body, I
00:41:56
Speaker
Especially I noticed this with my second child because I was in my late 30s versus my late 20s. And the physical toll on my body at 39 was so significantly different from my late 20s.
00:42:12
Speaker
I really underestimated just the energy like to produce milk for example takes a lot of energy so if you especially if you're you know over 35 for example which of course is still deemed a geriatric pregnancy which of course is a patriarchal term to undermine women having children later.
00:42:31
Speaker
Um, you know, the energy that it takes to produce milk and to recover from, you know, surgery is a lot. So being kind to yourself by not trying to do too much, which I know if you're you're a neurodivergent person with 48 hobbies, um, you kind of think, well, I'm not working, so now I have space, but what I'm trying to reframe is the baby is the work. It is a job. It's just an unpaid job. Mm-hmm.
00:43:01
Speaker
Absolutely. Here, here. Here, here. Do you want to do some semi-precious moments? Where's yours, Anne? I only have one. What is your one? That I had to, for the first time in my life, buy a tenner product. Oh, yeah. Yeah, which has not been fun. If you have weak pelvic floors,
00:43:29
Speaker
um Yeah, I'm not saying, I don't think I'll continue purchasing them, I think. Um, are you sure? Yeah, they're too long. They're too long. Yeah, if anyone's purchased a tenner product, they're really long. Yeah, they're like this. They can't see that. They're like a super duper length. A super duper length. Okay. Super duper in your undies.
00:44:01
Speaker
Because it would have spilled.
00:44:06
Speaker
Anyway. The leaves start chomping, so... These are my snorting. Okay, I had a really semi-precious week, and I just jotted down three things that happened in a row. um As we know, our life is pretty semi-precious. Firstly, I...
00:44:30
Speaker
zipped my hair into my jacket after putting my glasses away because it was raining. So I took my glasses off because it was raining and then I put them on my inside jacket pocket and then zipped my hair up but then couldn't see anything to one of my hair. I couldn't get my glasses either.
00:44:50
Speaker
You can see to get glasses. And then the following day I took my glasses off just to rest my eyes when I went for a walk and I just clipped them on the front. Didn't want to risk putting them in my jacket pocket again. And I bent over to pick up my dog's dog poo and drop the glasses in the dog poo.
00:45:08
Speaker
her There's a lot of unfortunate glasses incidents. And then I just um overfilled my coffee because I couldn't quite judge and there was a little bit left and so I overfilled it and so I just ah stood there at the bench lapping it out of my coffee cup.
00:45:27
Speaker
Like a cat. Off the bench? No, at the bench. It wasn't on the bench. I wasn't lapping it off the bench. But i just it just occurred to me that anybody walking in with me lapping my coffee at the bench like a cat. You were going to look lovely. Yeah, it would have been worse had I been lapping it off the bench, but didn't do that. I thought that was more amusing, but... boom Okay, well. So, yeah, that's it. Episode...
00:45:57
Speaker
Was that 13? 13, yeah. I think this might be number three for this year, Amber. Yeah, I know. Mm-hmm. We'll get another one out shortly. We have priorities. Brand ambitions, yeah. All righty, so... I can't even remember what else I know. I don't know how you should... about uncut and unpolished selves. Maybe we say, oh, how nice.
00:46:27
Speaker
So anyway, be semi-precious. Yeah, semi-precious. Yeah, and forget endings and be okay in your exactly months. Well, we don't have my mirror board. I'm lost without the mirror board talking about scaffolding. You could have just put the mirror up. I could have, but I haven't logged into the Wi-Fi here. So we're not on the Wi-Fi. All right. So these are the problems. And you're going to help me learn how to use mirror.
00:46:52
Speaker
it Embrace your uncut and unpolished selves. Yes, there you go. That's it. Finish Finito. Do that. Bye.
00:47:02
Speaker
This podcast represents the personal opinions of Amber and Jade. No content should be taken as advice or recommendations.