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SP: Ep 7. The Subtle Art of Friendships
105 Plays1 year ago
Look out, the Semi-Precious sisters have created their finest podcasting moment together!
In this absolute ripper of an episode, Amber shares how number 7 is her lucky number, declaring lucky numbers to never be in the double digits. Jade calls bullshit and they eventually get back on track.
They explore the subtle art of friendships, as usual, Amber doesn’t care too much about what people think of her, whilst Jade questions every interaction. Both sister confess to some friendship hoarding issues.
They both agree that they need more laughter and playfulness in friendships, Amber declaring “If a girls night didn’t challenge my pelvic floor, then it may not have been worth while”.
They agree that it’s ok to let go of friendships that are no longer serving you, and to have the difficult conversations with friends if you have needs that are not being met. This idea may have caused Jade to panic and overheat.
Note to Amber’s friends: If you’re rattling on about your kids, she has probably zoned out. And yes, she knows she’s got high expectations.
Note to Jade friends: If she’s stopped calling you it’s because she assumes you don’t care anymore, invite her to brunch!
In addition to getting side tracked with talks of ‘being a jersey cow’ with teens (shout out to Caitlin Moran’s book More than a Woman), they also explore their past and present femme crushes.
Amongst the women that made the list are Lisa Gorman, Mia freedom, Opera and Michelle Obama.
This episode is a long one, but we promise that we wouldn't waste your 'precious' time if it wasn't worth it.
Warning: It may challenge your pelvic floor, at least we hope so.
Semi-Precious moments are a collection of supermarket antics, sad but true.
Jade- don’t shop when you need to brush your teeth or you’ll have a very minty collection of items. And is it a Rat or is it a mop?
Amber- spilling 1,000,000 Litres of carrot and ginger juice and the ‘only what you can carry’ supermarket challenge.
To follow and subscribe to your mildly unhinged SEMI-PRECIOUS hosts, you can connect via Instagram and Linktree
Connect with Jade:
If you are wanting to understand more about Jade and her counselling practice or ADHD Coaching you can visit Awaken ADHD or on socials Instagram and Facebook
Connect with Amber:
If you’ are curious about Amber and her brand agency you can visit The Edison Agency or follow her on socials LinkedIn or Instagram
CREDITS
Producer: Amber Bonney and Jade Bonney
Hosts: Amber Bonney and Jade Bonney
Sound Editing: Jade Bonney
Social Content Creator: Amber Bonney
Creative Director: Amber Bonney
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Transcript
Acknowledgment and Introduction
00:00:00
Speaker
This podcast is recorded on the lands of the Boon Wurrung country and we wish to acknowledge them as traditional owners. We recognise First Peoples of Australia as the original storytellers of this country and pay our respects to elders past, present and emerging. You are listening to a semi-precious podcast hosted by Uncut and Unpolished sisters Amber and Jade.
00:00:30
Speaker
I can't say the thingy to welcome us to a great death.
00:00:35
Speaker
Alrighty, welcome to episode 7 of Semi-Precious.
Exploring Friendship Dynamics
00:00:39
Speaker
And today we're going to be talking about the subtle art of friendships as you age, how they change, knowing when to cut people loose, and how to keep track of everyone. And there's a little bit of the subtle art of not giving a fuck also in that sentiment. True, true, true. Sorry to copyright infringe the author of that book. It's a good book though.
00:01:04
Speaker
All righty, Amps. Oh, you handing over to me. I was not there. Well, I don't know. You know, let's just read off the little boxes and see what inspires us. So we have notes. Seven's my lucky number. So happy seventh episode. Seven's your lucky number. Yeah, what's yours? Thirteen. Because it's my birthday. OK, I don't know anyone else in the world with a lucky number of thirteen. I didn't even know lucky numbers could go past ten.
00:01:31
Speaker
What? What? Who makes up a rule? I don't know. A single new rule. A single new rule. Are they?
OCD Tendencies and Personal Stories
00:01:36
Speaker
Yeah. Reach out to us on socials if you have a lucky number that's not zero to nine. You just made that up. I just think it's true. All right. Six. Okay. Well, I see. I don't know. I just like the form. You like the form. Okay. Yeah, I'm with that. As a graphic person, I... Yeah.
00:01:53
Speaker
Although when I walk, I often have to count out to four. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. Okay. There's a whole other episode. Does anyone else do that? No. And have to do it on your fingers? Do you remember Mum used to do one, two, three, four? Maybe that's where I got a phone. You know you're a mental health worker and you need mental health work.
00:02:18
Speaker
It's a little OCD thing. In saying that though, not to be dismissive of people who do suffer terribly from OCD, but I spent a lot of my childhood counting letters and words
00:02:35
Speaker
like the individual letters on words on signs to get an even number. And if I couldn't get an even number, I would then have to count the space. And then if I still couldn't get an even number like the spaces between the words, I'd have to count like the dots on the eyes.
00:02:51
Speaker
or any other ligature. Okay. That extends just a little bit further than counting to four. I've just undone my roast of you. You have completely undone your roast of me. But in saying that, OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder and
00:03:13
Speaker
can have learned qualities and traits about it as well.
The Complexity of Adult Friendships
00:03:17
Speaker
So learning some of these traits from the counting on the fingers is from a mum thing. She still does excited hands, which I do also.
00:03:29
Speaker
That's my husband. You might need to describe excited hands. All right. Yes, I'm doing excited hands now, but that does not help you. Just imagine putting all of your fingertips together on both hands, creating like a little bridge. Is that a bridge? I don't know. I'm a visual person describing that. I think after 25 years of writing creative rationales, I'd be able to do this better.
00:03:54
Speaker
Anyway, it's where you kind of tap your fingers together in almost like a semi creepy but excited way.
00:04:03
Speaker
Anyway, I'll post a video of that one day. Yeah, please. That is a bit of a digression because all I was talking about really was that seven is my lucky number. Right. And then we somehow got on to OCD tendencies, tendencies, which has got nothing to do with the episode of friendships. But I feel like maybe that's a down the load episode really to unpack that for you, Amber. Yeah. There's a lot to unpack on that space.
00:04:30
Speaker
All righty. All right. So back to friends. Friendships. Quick question. Just doing a poll of one, because there's only one person to ask here. So really a broad poll going. So are friendships easier as you get older or harder? Oh, I feel harder.
00:04:56
Speaker
I think I was less discerning and they were easier in the sense that you just went out and had fun and you caught up and you had a drink and you went shopping and you kind of you know could run your errands so to speak together and
00:05:17
Speaker
I feel they were easier because there was more playfulness in them. I feel there's less playfulness in them now and therefore there's less, I don't know, less fun and a bit more complication. And because I'm just going on a rant now, because you may not see them as much, there's a lot more. Well, for me, I'm not quite sure sometimes where I stand in a friendship because I haven't seen someone
00:05:47
Speaker
as often as I would have when I was younger or also it's harder and slower to get close to a person because you don't have that long amount of time with them. Like if you think when you went out and you'd have like
00:06:02
Speaker
you know, a 3am, you know, drunken clubbing. Free drinks, putting makeup on, getting dressed. There's heaps of bonding time. Coming home, vomiting, waking up, getting bacon. Hangover breakfast. There's just a lot more time, even just going shopping with each other. When was the last time you went shopping for clothes with a girlfriend? I can't even remember the last time I went actual shopping with a girlfriend. Like it would literally be 20 years.
00:06:32
Speaker
I took a friend with me for my 40th outfit and went to Chadstone. I think it's the only time I've been to Chadstone in the last decade. Chadstone's in Victoria for anyone outside of Victoria. It's a big, big overwhelming place that I get lost in, so I try not to go there.
00:06:52
Speaker
I sort of need a sedative to go to Chudston. It's a lot. I actually, on this trip with my girlfriend, I packed us wine and she drank on the way in there and then we sat in the car and scoped. I want to advocate for alcoholism or unhealthy relationships with alcohol, but that is a stellar idea. Yeah, because it is overwhelming. It takes the edge up.
00:07:18
Speaker
One of my girlfriends, who I won't name, but she, if she, I don't even think she listens to this podcast. That's sort of the friend she is. She, I've known her one of the longest, she's second, second longest relationship I've had with a friend. She goes to Chatsun all the time and I just, I don't understand. Does she enjoy it? I think she does. She kind of likes that hustle, but like, yeah, she likes the overstimulation.
00:07:48
Speaker
That surprises me, knowing you're talking about one guy. I find that surprising. Yeah, I don't know.
Friendship Expectations and Pressures
00:07:55
Speaker
Maybe it's like a personal challenge. But I do understand the sentiment of needing to take the edge off before going to a major shopping centre. And back to the original question, are they easier or harder? Yeah, I think I've ranted a bit about that. What did you actually say? It was harder.
00:08:13
Speaker
I think harder now because there's less bonding and more, and less joy and playfulness and fun. For me currently, I think in my friendships, it's not, I don't think that's true of everybody's friendships. I think it's sort of a, now that I've, after I've asked you and now I'm thinking about my response was also trying to actively listen to your response. Was she really with me? I was with you. It is a tricky question because
00:08:44
Speaker
I do think the friendships are harder to maintain, but my care factor has gone down somewhat. So when you're younger, I think you have less sort of confidence and therefore you probably question the friendship or have I done the right thing or am I there enough or am I, you know,
00:09:10
Speaker
Yeah. Am I a good enough friend, which I used to do often and actually still do. Sometimes I just feel guilty that I haven't reached out to someone for ages. And I have lots of collections of friends. I feel like I sort of...
00:09:25
Speaker
Gather friends like you would artifacts whilst you're traveling. Is this a friendhood life? Didn't you have friend hoarding written somewhere? Friend hoarding. Yeah, I think I did. I'm just skipping ahead to five different areas of what we wanted to talk about. Sometimes, especially as a neurodivergent person, you end up with such a large cohort of friends that then it becomes quite an administration job to keep connected with them. Sometimes I know
00:09:55
Speaker
My husband will look at me at night and go, like, what are you doing? And I'm like, oh, I've just reached out to so-and-so. I haven't heard for ages. Now it's like a 20-minute text back and forth because I needed to connect them to see what's happening. He doesn't have such a large group of friends. And I think male friendships later in life is even more complex than women's, I think. It actually gets harder, way harder for men, I think.
00:10:23
Speaker
Yeah. So sometimes I think it's harder because you have less time, I think ultimately. And then because you're so time poor, as you said, the pressure on that connection being special or worth it, if you know what I mean? Like when you've invested that time, then adds a layer of kind of complexity, especially if you've had to get babysitters and, you know, you've had to really go out of your way to get somewhere.
00:10:51
Speaker
which, when you lead a crazy ass life like I do, seems like a big thing. So I'm sorry for all my friends for putting so much pressure on our time together. It won't be special and you will enjoy it. Yeah, you will enjoy it. It's tricky. You know, when you were saying that you give less fucks now,
00:11:14
Speaker
I don't know, I'm thinking back to my 20s and I've written a little note there that says some friendships we choose based on how the other person makes us feel. And I think that's true. Maybe I read that somewhere. I don't know.
00:11:29
Speaker
But what if you have a low self worth? What kind of friends are you choosing? And that makes me think that some of the friends I chose, I don't think I was second guessing myself back then. I think I was choosing friends that could treat me however they wanted to treat me because that's all I thought I deserved back then. Yes. And we have touched on another episode. I can't remember what it was, but just your mishmash collection of friends.
00:11:58
Speaker
That was quite troubled and you felt like you needed to rescue them.
00:12:02
Speaker
Yeah. But in that troubling, not always treating you. Not always treating me well, but then even some of the friendships that I did
Navigating New and Long-term Friendships
00:12:10
Speaker
connect with, I was very okay with constantly seeking them out, constantly trying to please them. Doing all the work. Doing all of the work, right? So I don't think I second-guess myself as much, whereas now I don't want to do all that work, but that means if they're not doing the work,
00:12:31
Speaker
then I'm feeling unloved or not connected to or not valuable enough. So then I'm questioning more now.
00:12:41
Speaker
I don't know. Yeah, more self-questioning. But then it made me think about, you know, my potential need for closeness in friendships and intensity I feel might be quite different to other people's. Like, what do you need in a close friend, right? If we're looking at the different types of friends we have.
00:13:03
Speaker
It's a really good question. What do I need? Probably patience from the other person. I can be quite sporadic as I juggle lots of things. And the one thing I am quite conscious of is I, because I have so many things on the go, I often feel like I'm a lot.
00:13:27
Speaker
for my friends or in general. And so I do try to sometimes minimize myself to some friends because I feel like, oh God, like Amber's doing another thing or she's, you know, cause I'm quite active on social media like LinkedIn and Instagram and stuff like that.
00:13:44
Speaker
So then I start to feel a bit guilty that like, well, maybe I'm just like showing off that I'm doing all these things, but they're just I'm not doing them to show up. It's just that I have a lot of balls in the air and a lot of projects that I feel passionate about. And as a creative person, that's kind of what I do. So then. So what's the pain point there? Like, what is the? Yeah, I'm trying to understand what that kind of guilt is. Where is the guilt?
00:14:14
Speaker
that you're not, you're choosing those things over them or that you're just showing. Well, no, maybe it's just that I'm too loud. Like, just because you're too much. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe it's just that I'm too much. Yeah. And then I sort of feel guilty that
00:14:29
Speaker
I try really hard actually to not use the word busy because there's so much baggage with busy. And I know that psychologically being busy all the time is not good. It's not bad, Giovanna. Not something we should be aspiring to.
00:14:45
Speaker
Right, but the too muchness, right, is she's got counsellor voice on, like, see where she's going. She's actually moved as well. She's actually moved as well. She's moved into counselling position. She's settled in, she's settled in.
00:15:01
Speaker
But it is, you know, obviously, I talk to a lot of neurodivergent women and individuals and just women in general, and the too muchness is something that women feel quite strongly. I'm not allowed to take up too much space to be too big, to be too loud, to be showy. So it's not just a neurodivergent woman, but we would probably
00:15:29
Speaker
receive it maybe more, you know? You know what it is actually? I also think I get very excited by new friendships, but I'm like cutthroat discerning with new friendships in a sense that I don't, I'm that sort of person that sort of goes into room and wants to make 10 new friends and chat to everyone. I know you'll find this surprising anyone who knows me, but I'm not that sort of
00:15:58
Speaker
sociable. But when I do connect with someone, and especially as a, you know, someone in my forties.
00:16:06
Speaker
I get sort of re-energized, like it's super exciting to meet someone where you're just on the same wavelength. And do you find that they're neurodivergent? Yeah, usually they are neurodivergent people. But yeah, I'm often fascinated. I do a lot of work in advocating for women and working with great, strong and compelling women across all different parts of my life.
00:16:32
Speaker
And so that really energises me and I feel like there's maybe there's a disconnect between my adult self and friendships because I don't feel as much like I need to minimise myself when I'm meeting new people, but maybe it's legacy relationships.
00:16:53
Speaker
where I might have grown up with people that I feel are less comfortable being myself, which is sort of ironic, right? Because when you grow up with people or you meet them in earlier parts of your life, you would think you can be more yourself. But you're different, right?
00:17:11
Speaker
Because, you know, the younger you and the now you, like, I'm not the same person that I was in my 20s. So the friendships I have in my 20s now have to meet. Isn't that why so many people who get married young often get divorced at this time? Yeah, right. You're a totally different person, unless you can kind of grow together. I know that sounds cliche, but unless you can stay relevant to one another and your values are kind of changing along the same path.
00:17:39
Speaker
And that's the same with friendships. What was important to me and how I was and who I was, which was really just a shit show, to be honest, chaotic shit show. I'm nodding because I wouldn't want to be friends with I was fun and bubbly, but I was
00:17:55
Speaker
also a bit of a mess. I think I've only really got a couple of friends from from those years and yeah I'm a different I'm a different person so you've got more friends from then. I mean I've never really had a frank conversation with some of my long-term friends maybe that's the problem. Maybe we're not honest enough. Because a new friend you're like it's like dating right? You're just presenting yourself. Well you're also just presenting how you are today
00:18:23
Speaker
And I will ask my dearest friends that I've been friends with because there's a few of them, like quite a few of them from not just early high school. I've got one girlfriend from grade three. She's my longest friend and we're still very close.
Ending Friendships and Ensuring Joy
00:18:41
Speaker
And then I've got friends that I met when I moved interstate.
00:18:45
Speaker
Um, from early to sort of mid twenties. And then I've got friends I met overseas and I've got, yeah, friends from different job circles that I've had or met in industry. But yeah, connecting though. Yeah, staying connected. I sort of like hoard them. I hoard a tribe, but I do work at it too. Like I do make a very, I make a very conscious effort to connect people that I.
00:19:23
Speaker
I think because I do have some of those hoarding tendencies, I do have very emotional attachments to artifacts and people. That's probably why I stayed in a relationship way longer than I needed to. But I have cut people loose, which is kind of like the next big thing that we were going to talk about.
00:19:35
Speaker
like and to keep them engaged.
00:19:43
Speaker
There are certain points where you sort of, and I know that you've had friendships like that too, where you have to make a decision that this is either not healthy or that you actually just have nothing in interest or in common with this person.
00:19:58
Speaker
I feel often for me that kind of phasing out is going to sound ridiculous but if I stop reaching and they don't reach out, I feel like I'm in this stalemate but they're just not reaching.
00:20:16
Speaker
Is that right or wrong? I don't know. Am I just a reacher and I shouldn't expect everybody to be a reacher or am I? You are a reacher. Not everybody is a reacher. But I also think, I suppose if you are having an honest conversation with your friends, much like you would in a partnership.
00:20:36
Speaker
Both of you need to be getting something out of it. And so, if it's a one-way friendship where you're always doing the connecting, then... It's just exhausting. Yeah, it's right to feel like... Actually, I just don't feel like I'm getting anything back.
00:20:57
Speaker
Yeah. Also, friendships should be there for the ups and downs. But I remember a lecturer once said to me, she's a brilliant relationship therapist, and she said, my friendships really need to be like 90% joy.
00:21:17
Speaker
I want to laugh. I want to have fun. Yes, I'm going to be there if they're going through something hard and vice versa. But I don't want just to have whinging, moaning, boring conversations. I want to actually laugh and have fun and be light because that's what I need of a friendship and maybe particularly more so because she's a therapist doing hard conversations. But I think that's true as well. Some friendships can get caught in
00:21:47
Speaker
Like a toxic cycle. Just supporting one another, just venting to one another, just... Yeah, I know what you mean. It's got to be mutually... And I think that just comes back to the point around when as adults at our age, whether you've got children or not, whether you're caring for aging parents or whatever your role is,
00:22:14
Speaker
we definitely are more time poor. I think it just innately puts pressure on. It's not like, as you said, in your 20s where you finish uni or finish work, head out to the pub, roll on, you've got absolutely no responsibilities and you just keep going. Time is not an asset, really. Whereas when you get to our age,
00:22:39
Speaker
late 40s and of course mid 40s for you. Mid 40s. It is actually quite a precious commodity. It certainly is for me. I then place reasonably high expectations on that.
00:22:55
Speaker
on your friend, just putting it out there. Well, just on the experience, yeah. I mean, I had a very frank conversation with a long-term girlfriend recently over a long weekend that we had away and just, I don't know whether I was just hormonal, but I just didn't have the level of fun that I was hoping to have. And that could just be just, I have really unrealistic expectations of what.
00:23:22
Speaker
or potentially just not even aligned on what we wanted the trip to be. Do you know what I mean? For someone else just kind of lounging around and having an early bed and a cup of tea and some nice food, that might be their idea of a really great Girls' Weekend. For me, maybe what I needed at that time was actually different. I needed a release.
00:23:45
Speaker
I did need rest but I also needed kind of a laughter and a release because of what was going on for me at the time. Right, yeah I think that is a well what's going on at the time but also speaking for myself I know now I understand that I am looking for that excitement, looking for that dopamine hit and fun and playfulness and laughter is so
00:24:13
Speaker
Important yeah, I often feel if I have left a catch-up with friends. I often go
00:24:21
Speaker
Was there any laughter? Was there any laughter? Was there any playfulness? Was there any jokes and banter? I just feel like if there wasn't a tenor moment of just like where I either there was a little bit of wee or could have been a little bit of wee, then it wasn't a good night. Can that be a metric for like a good girls night? Are we all covered here, ladies? I need to wear a sanitary liner.
00:24:49
Speaker
You know, was I challenging my pelvic floor? Was I challenging my pelvic floor? What's the scale? You know the fire warnings that you get when you drive into towns that are like, it's low, it's moderate, and it starts at green, and then it goes to red. Yeah, maybe that's what we need. Maybe that's what we need. I definitely need more fun, exciting laughter and silliness. And I think maybe that's what I miss from my 20s.
00:25:17
Speaker
You know, my closest girlfriend growing up from, you know, late teens to, you know, kind of through my twenties and early thirties, even before we had children, like laugh so hard with weight just a little bit often. Yeah, that's pretty pelvic floor problems. Yeah. But that's how hard we used to laugh. There's so much more silliness. I don't have that friendship anymore. She's not dead. We're just not.
00:25:42
Speaker
She's dead to her. She's dead to me. No, she's not dead to me. She's still got a really nice place in my heart, but we're not friends anymore because we have changed, I guess. But that's actually, I also think...
00:25:56
Speaker
It's okay to move on because you've changed and sort of, you can kind of go through that morning process, but also just accepting that's just a part of your life. It's like thinking about an ex-boyfriend or an ex-partner. They're not always filled with traumatic memories, although some of yours definitely aren't, so we might. But, you know, sometimes it just was the phase and it was who you were then. It's not always easy.
00:26:25
Speaker
at the time though. I think now I can recognize it a little bit easier, but I think for me, I feel intense rejection, that rejection sensitivity dysphoria. So when it happens for me, I feel like I am not good enough and I'm completely rejected and then I have to kind of balance that out.
00:26:46
Speaker
with the grief and letting go. And like you said, knowing that it can be quite a natural thing to move on for a friendship and the utter devastation of it as well. If I could swap hats for a second and give you some counseling advice. Please, can you lower your tone and slow your speech? Okay, Jade. Here's some advice for me. That's not going to pick up on the mic. You need to be louder.
00:27:14
Speaker
I've now forgotten the advice. Oh, hang on. What was I saying? Oh, no. So the advice is maybe practicing just telling people what you need.
Honesty and Vulnerability in Friendships
00:27:28
Speaker
Oh God, Amber, that just... Like in a friendship. Yes, that's hard. I also say that from the perspective of when I think about some of the situations where I've come home feeling disappointed, maybe I just haven't been
00:27:46
Speaker
honest enough to say, hey, girls, I'd really love to do this because I really need a release, or I'd really love to go and see a live show. It's one of the reasons I love seeing performances, so comedy, music, theater, I love the
00:28:06
Speaker
energy that you get in that entertainment where I feel like it's immersive and it's a release and definitely both you and I, having mundane conversations honestly, I could fall asleep. I just tune. I completely tune out. Tune out if we're talking about the schools and the basketball and the football practice. Oh my God, don't even get me started about talking about children.
00:28:31
Speaker
Like I have, I think I have even started to say to people, can we just not talk about our kids? I know that makes me sound like a complete asshole. And yes, I have already had lots of feedback about this podcast that I am the bad cop and you are the good cop. But I also don't like talking about kids sports and a little bit
00:28:52
Speaker
I don't mind a little bit of an update, especially when you haven't seen. I'm genuinely interested in how people's children are, but also just how I'm actually less interested in how the children are unless there's something chronically wrong with them.
00:29:08
Speaker
but how the parents are in coping with the kids because that's a lot. So if someone's having trouble with their child or the child's just being diagnosed with something or there's whatever those challenges are. She's not a complete asshole, right? She does care. I do care. I'm interested in that and interested in those conversations about the juggle of life and how people manage. But
00:29:31
Speaker
Just going through like a list of achievements of your child and that now your child swapped from ballet to kickboxing or the child's like, I zone out. I just, I'm not interested in talking about my children in that way either. It's not like I bore people to death with.
00:29:48
Speaker
my children and then don't want to hear theirs. I have other things in my life. She just zoned out and she's writing an article in her head while you're talking. I just don't feel like it needs to find our friendships. Because it all goes back to that holding the space.
00:30:06
Speaker
in a time sensitive environment where I've only got three hours with people. Your kid talks waste of my time. Yeah, you're wasting two hours of my time. This is not enjoyable. No, like we are more than just our children. And I cannot imagine
00:30:22
Speaker
how painful going out with a bunch of women would be when you do not have children, either by choice or not by choice, and you might have fur children and you just have people banging on about their kids. That honestly would just be... That would be poke marbles out. Well, my ears out.
00:30:44
Speaker
So yeah, I'd be interested, maybe that's just, I don't know, maybe that's just me. That might be, yeah, personal preference because there are people that really, you know, are maybe a bit more focused on their kids and, you know, really not, that's not what I meant to say. Are you saying I'm not a focused parent? She doesn't care about her children. No, no, but my point of view is it is exceptionally healthy as a parent.
00:31:13
Speaker
to demonstrate to your children that they are not the center of their lives. I agree. Because we often see this with women who, when their children don't need them anymore, so they hit 12, 13, 14, and upwards, they crumble.
00:31:30
Speaker
Yeah, not only because they're probably going through menopause or perimenopausal, but because especially if they've been the unpaid carer of the family, they've sacrificed everything, their career, their earning capacity, their superannuation, their friendship groups, everything has been centered around the life of the child. Then when the child doesn't need them anymore, they have
00:31:54
Speaker
Nothing. Well, that's when the power struggle comes in and the control, you know, still trying to be a really big part of that teenagers or young adult's life and wanting things for them that they don't want. And that push-pull, I'm just going to be the Jersey cow. The Jersey cow. If anyone has not read the Catlin Miranda book, How to Be a Woman, got to read it. Honestly, we could just do episode after episode on this. On her book.
00:32:21
Speaker
The Jersey Cow quote, she speaks about how as a parent or as a coming from the perspective of mother, that it doesn't matter how accomplished, it doesn't matter if you're a Supreme Court judge that have clawed your way from poverty to the highest ranking role in the legal system.
00:32:45
Speaker
your teenagers will hate you just the same. And think you are just as lame and terrible as absolutely anybody. And so her point was that when they're teenagers, you just need to be the dumb old Jersey cow that's just there. You get a cup of tea, not trying to find a solution, giving them cookies, making them tea, just kind of being present, not trying to, I suppose, assert yourself.
00:33:13
Speaker
Right. Not even sharing your wisdom. They don't care. It doesn't matter. You could be like a parenting expert and your teenagers would think you were absolutely hopeless. Horrendous. Yeah. Which is why I work with a lot of teens.
00:33:28
Speaker
Oh man, I'm getting so much insight from the teens that I'm working with. I absolutely love it. Do you know what I love the most about working with teens? Is that they tell me these things and they tell me what they love that their parents do.
00:33:45
Speaker
and what they don't like and then they but they won't tell the parent that they're doing a good job or that they really want that like as simple as the hug that they don't respond to they don't even turn around to but without that hug yeah they need the hug even though it's a one-way yeah they need the one-way hugs i'm like right i'm gonna keep doing one-way hugs when you get the one-way hug it's so rejecting it makes you just want to
00:34:13
Speaker
cry. Anyway, we are getting off topic because we are supposed to be talking about friendship. My husband will often give me a hug, and it's a one-way hug. He's like, you're going to hug back. I'm like, I actually need the one-way hug. There's something about the like just defeated, like your arms just limp by your side.
00:34:35
Speaker
It's a regulating if you're an ever system, isn't it? When you do as tight. Yeah. I'm not hugging you. I'm not giving you anything back right now because I actually just need something. I need this. It's a selfish hug, but it's valuable. Teenagers need it. Back to friendship. Okay, back to friendship because we've digressed. We need to turn that heater down because I'm about to like have a. Roast. Kerry menopausal sweat. So if you can turn the heater down. How can I roll around?
00:35:00
Speaker
I'm making a roll around to turn the heater on. I should not have worn this shirt, just saying. It's sweaty now. All right, where are we up to? We covered off. So the top tip for me, just giving myself tips, is maybe in some of those legacy friendships.
00:35:20
Speaker
I need to have more honest conversations. Oh, that's where you were at with me. And that kind of freaked you out. I want to, but I think that innate fear of rejection is in the way. I think there are friends that I feel very safe in saying that. You know, friends that you know. Why don't you practice on me? Oh, because you're not safe. I'm scared.
00:35:43
Speaker
Scared you won't like me. I'm not hurt at all. But you have given me constructive feedback before, which I have taken on board. Mostly around don't try to solve my problems, just listen. Because I would always go into, okay, this is what you should do. I'm in a crisis plan mode rather than, oh, Jade, that sounds like it's really difficult. True. Yeah, true. I've been getting better with that and applied that to lots of areas of my life.
00:36:10
Speaker
Good job, good job. All right, so you can practice on me and I can practice on creating a safe space for you. But there are friends that feel like they're, you feel like they can take it and you're not scared that they're going to run away. I mean, I think the reality is probably all friends can take it. It's just nobody likes having uncomfortable conversations. Yeah, that's true.
00:36:33
Speaker
Given that I spend my life having uncomfortable conversations, it should be easier. I think most of the human population are not very good at voicing what they need.
00:36:48
Speaker
Well, you've got to identify it, right? You've got to know what that is. And I think we've identified a lot here that we want joy and fun. And well, for me, I want to feel valuable to you as well. I want to feel like you enjoy my company. That means you're going to seek me out to say, hey, do you want to go for brunch? Hey, do you want to go for a walk? Like that's how I know that you want to
00:37:15
Speaker
spend time with me. What if we did a 360-degree survey to send it out on MailChimp? Yeah. How am I as a friend? What are you looking for as a friend? Please rate me out of 10 in these areas. What could I improve? Well, I think these are the things that are important to me. Here's a little guidebook on being friends with Amber.
00:37:38
Speaker
Kind of like friend love languages as well, like what do you need? What fills you up? Oh my God, I had this conversation with a good friend of mine who lives in Tokyo currently, and she's neurodivergent as well, and we were just laughing about how our love language is just in memes.
00:37:55
Speaker
We just send each other memes.
Femme Crushes and Social Media Engagement
00:37:57
Speaker
You and I just send each other memes. I've got a few people that I just communicate in short videos and memes. Yeah. And no words even attached to anything. It's just sending it because it's funny. The snail one the other day that you sent me.
00:38:13
Speaker
What did it say again? It was a snail and a slug. And it said, what if slugs are just divorced snails? Oh, that's right. Lost the house. Yeah, Michelle got the house.
00:38:31
Speaker
You shared my 12-year-old daughter, she loved it. That is very funny. I like that. One thing we haven't talked about, well actually I touched on it a bit, is femme crushes. Do you think you have femme crushes when you're younger?
00:38:49
Speaker
Do you remember just like really? You did. I remember in high school so badly wanting to be friends with this particular girl. But is that just because they were on a pedestal of being cool or did you just find them exceptionally interesting? Or did you have lesbian tendencies and make out with them?
00:39:14
Speaker
I did actually have an actual crush on somebody in my 20s. Maybe that girl in high school as well, she was kind and pretty and funny and cool, but didn't care whether she was cool. I think maybe I kind of wanted to be her. He wanted the positive aura.
00:39:39
Speaker
Yeah, and I wanted to be around her, like it felt nice to be around her, and I think that's what a crush is. Yeah, some people have magnetic characters, don't they? They do. They don't literally have characters that are magnetic, like letters that stick to the fridge. They are magnetic characters. They are magnetic characters. Just in case anyone was going to making words on their fridge.
00:40:07
Speaker
Yeah, so I think I definitely did at school and in my 20s. I don't think I have any right now. Maybe I've got a short term memory, but I don't remember having as many femme crushes as I do as an adult. Oh, you've got more now. More now. I think just because I come across more women in business as well, and then sometimes you just meet
00:40:34
Speaker
I do feel like I've got a femme crash after last night. So last night Jade and I and a whole bunch of other people saw Lisa Gorman speak at a Creative Women's Circle event. I want to be her best friend. And we both wanted to ask her out to a bar and just have cocktails with her for a few hours.
00:40:54
Speaker
That definitely was a fem crush. She is magnetic. She's just kind of sparkly. I just wanted to be close to her and keep talking to her. I feel that way about me, Friedman, too.
00:41:05
Speaker
way about me and about yourself. I'm sparkly and I just want to be with me. Mia Friedman, yeah. Definitely a good question here. I had a bit of a girl crush on Renee Brown. I do love Renee, don't get me wrong. She sort of seems lower energy. Oh, she used lower energy. I think I just want to sit and have a really good conversation with her. I mean, Oprah, she's still on the girl crush list.
00:41:36
Speaker
even though she's probably slightly lower energy too. Michelle Obama. I listened to her on Becoming. I listened to it on Audible
00:41:51
Speaker
And I just fell in love with her. I think it's much better to listen to than read because she narrates it and I cried and I laughed and I felt very connected to the story. Yeah.
00:42:07
Speaker
Yeah. Maybe for our socials for episode seven, we should be fem crushing hashtag fem crush and getting people to engage. If you're listening to podcasts and you have not engaged on social media or actually, um, giving us a five star rating on whatever you're listening to, please do. Yeah. Just shout out to promo, but yeah, be good to introduce. Some of my friends have not listened to either of my podcasts. Should I be? Yeah. Hey, good practice.
00:42:37
Speaker
send it out, send a note to them saying, hey, you haven't listened to my podcast. I'd really love your feedback. And also as a friend, it's my base expectation that you support me in this way. I did. I did. So Kathy, if you're listening, um, that one was just for you. Right. Yeah, no, I did. I did, uh, say it to a friend the other day and she's like, Oh, I haven't listened. I haven't had time.
00:43:04
Speaker
I'm like, I see you walking your dog. And she actually said, I like to talk to my dog when I'm walking. Okay. So here's the response to that. Thank you, Janet. So what you're saying to me is.
00:43:20
Speaker
Conversing with your dog like a mildly unhinged person is more important to you than supporting me in this podcast venture that took a lot of work and has taken a lot of energy. Is this what you're saying, Janet?
00:43:35
Speaker
I feel like I might have to delete this because Janet, who isn't Janet, might listen. I'm not sure anyone thought that was actually Janet. I didn't know Janet these days. I feel like it's not a name that we hear. I don't know any Janet. I have had some really lovely feedback from friends that probably sit on the casual and acquaintance
00:43:59
Speaker
message me. Why? This is just a shout out if any of our actual friends are listening who are in our tight top 10 people we would call in an emergency. Why are they not giving us feedback or sending us messages? But the peripherals
00:44:20
Speaker
are making an effort. I've had some really touching words, you know, somebody saying they almost peed their pants driving to work. I think I have, yeah. And, you know, just long social messages, just saying, what a great job, feels so relatable, how vulnerable. Some family have reached out and said, hey, we're really loving this.
00:44:45
Speaker
And others have not acknowledged that it happened. That it even exists. True. So family, actually one of our nieces, I spoke to her and the day after I had put up episode five and she goes, Oh, I've listened to all of the episodes are amazing. I'm like, ah, but not episode five. It just, and she's like, yeah, I listened to it on my run this morning. I'm like bad. You know, you are probably the only family member that gets up at runs before eight.
00:45:14
Speaker
Definitely the only family member that gets up and runs. Yeah, so to round up on our topic of friendships, if you consider yourself a good friend of ours,
00:45:26
Speaker
we'd strongly recommend that you listen to this podcast or we're going to disown you. Or just back to that kind of either toxic friendships or the post-it note we had about knowing when enough is enough to just call the friendship. Like maybe we need to move on to that bucket. Shit, Amber, that's a big call. I'm just putting it out there. If you don't listen to our podcast, we're putting you... We're setting you down a rank. If any of my friends launched a podcast,
00:45:53
Speaker
Even if it was about their children and parenting, I would still listen to it in support. Have you listened to my ADHD, Awakened ADHD podcast? Not every episode, but definitely she's looking very guilty. Did you only listen to the episode that you were in? No, I've listened to other ones.
00:46:13
Speaker
I shout out to Awaken ADHD podcast, by the way. Please, if you are a neurodivergent and want to share your ADHD story, or you've got a kid, just message me.
Humorous Personal Stories
00:46:26
Speaker
If you've got a kid, just people who have children can message you. If they have children with ADHD, it's not specific every parent.
00:46:36
Speaker
Um, or you have a partner with ADHD. That's also something you'd like to talk about. All right. Hey, I feel like we've come to a natural end here. Um, you know what? We didn't barely look at our little notes. Oh, we didn't do our semi-precious moment. Oh, we have to do semi-precious. Oh, which bloody one it is. I never know. Hang on. This could be cow sounds. That's nothing. Nothing happened. This podcast is recorded on the lands of the brand new country. Hang on.
00:47:04
Speaker
Yeah, semi-precious moment. Oh, hold on. Wasn't that gem moment? Oh, a little gem. So which one's this? Maybe there isn't one for semi-precious moment. For God's sake, you just made me press a colored button.
00:47:18
Speaker
Sorry, there isn't one, but there should be. My semi-precious moment and just I'm expecting some accolades for this because I've actually started taking notes because remember for all the other episodes I kept forgetting. I took lots of notes and now I can't find the notes on my phone so I don't know where I put them. It's because you're digitally illiterate. I am.
00:47:42
Speaker
Okay. So here is my semi-precious moment. So I am in a supermarket, but in an exceptional hurry. So you know, when you're in such a hurry, you don't even grab a basket because you're like, I don't have time to be in here long. So I'm just going to get in and get out. I feel like it's a challenge in my hand. That's all I'm taking.
00:48:02
Speaker
So we do that and I have my daughter with me and we're racing around and we had to get like 10 things and so we were holding five things each. Jade's now freezing because I've turned her hair off. And so we get to the cash register and all of the little, you know, under eight item things were packed. So there was actually like a full register and we're like, great, we'll just go through there. Go through there.
00:48:27
Speaker
My daughter, we put everything on the thing. I'm looking at my clock going, I've got to be somewhere in like eight minutes and it's going to take me about seven and a half to get there and I still have to pay, so I'm trying to run the numbers on that.
00:48:38
Speaker
As we were down to three items, one of those items, which was a 1 litre carrot and ginger juice, managed to topple off the conveyor belt when sometimes they stand up and then the conveyor belt moves.
00:48:57
Speaker
It toppled off the conveyor belt. I tried to catch it. It landed, smashed on the ground, lid popped open. There was like 3000 litres of carrot juice in the two litre container. Oh, one litre container. Yeah, just one of those small one litre containers that went all over my pants, all over my Ivory P Nation puffer jacket. So I wasn't happy about that. Does she do name dropping there? It's a bit too much. You can edit it out.
00:49:27
Speaker
all over my daughter, all over the floor. So I'm like, fuck. I'm now in a hurry. So I'm like, okay, I'll just try and clean this up with just throwing me some paper towels. The guy's like, no, I can't have you clean up. So he comes meandering out at like the slug with no house case.
00:49:45
Speaker
then puts a call through for someone to help, but no one could come and help. So I said, look, just don't worry about the juice. I'll pay for it and I'll just leave it because I don't have time to get it. He's like, no, no, no, I can't reverse that. Now it's my responsibility to clean it up.
00:50:01
Speaker
Then there ended up being three people cleaning it up and I'm like, I will help. I just need you to put this through the register. Cause I'm actually in a hurry. That took like 22 minutes. Are you serious? 22 minutes. So I was, is that like a 3000 litre, 22 minutes? So I was not only running late, I was covered in carrot and ginger juice. Then I had no juice for when I wanted juice to get home. Um, I didn't have time for them by that point. They're like, now would you like me to go and get you to juice? I'm like, no, no, we're past juice. You can shove your juice. You can shove your juice.
00:50:32
Speaker
and I had to run to the car with all items in my hand because I didn't have a bag either. Did you actually pay for the items, just checking? I did. I didn't end up paying for the juice, so then he had to take it off because he's like, no, we can't get you to pay because you haven't a mic dude. Honestly, I just wanted to run at that point and leave all items on the register.
00:50:51
Speaker
So yeah, that was my semi precious moment. It was really fun. I'm like, only would that happen to me that I'm in a hurry and one litre of carrot juice would smash onto the ground all over me and then make me significantly diet.
00:51:07
Speaker
I like it. You also have a supermarket semi-precious moment. I have two. I couldn't choose which one. One is just a little bit silly that I went to the supermarket early in the morning. I literally just threw on some clothes.
00:51:25
Speaker
and walked out the door because we need a bread and I got, like you, I just was carrying stuff in my hands and I got the bread and then somehow, I don't even know how I ended up in the chocolate aisle and I got me KitKat. I don't eat, but I've never eaten it before. Then somehow I also ended up, I'm like, oh, I think I need toothpaste. So I got toothpaste, then I got floss.
00:51:56
Speaker
Then that section is near the ice cream section. And so then I went and got chocolate ice cream. To go with the chocolate Kit Kat. To go with my chocolate Kit Kat and my toothpaste and I think some toothbrushes. It's a minty thing. And then Mentos. It's just everything mint. And then I got into the car and went, I haven't brushed my teeth. This feels gross.
00:52:18
Speaker
It's like going to the supermarket when you're hungry and you just buy everything. I just bought everything mint because I hadn't brushed my teeth and I had disgusting morning breath. Oh my God. Is that not ridiculous? That is really ridiculous. That's a thing though. I think it's a thing now.
00:52:35
Speaker
For home. I don't know. Like, humanity. You know when you go to the supermarket hungry and you just come out with chips and just snack foods, right? I just came out with everything mint and it just occurred to me in the car that I just needed to brush my teeth.
00:52:53
Speaker
I can't even eat them in ice cream. What's the other mop incident? Again, just a quick run to get bread and stuff for school lunches because that's how I'm not like a Sunday let's do a big shop scenario.
00:53:11
Speaker
No, so I'm going down the aisle and I've got a whole heap of stuff in my hands because of course it's the no basket challenge that I seem to give myself. And out of the corner of my eye comes this massive, what I thought was just a huge ass rat from underneath the aisle. And I squealed very loudly and dropped stuff.
00:53:39
Speaker
and jump back and it was a person on the other side with a mop cleaning all the way under the aisle into my house. I swear to god I thought it was a giant like possum rat.
00:53:57
Speaker
You and animals are just yet special relationships. But why was he mopping all the way through? From the other side. With one of those big, dirty... This is like a 16-year-old boy, because I feel like that's the sort of thing that... I couldn't say it was just the mop. But you know those ugly, dirty ones? They just seem unsanitary. Yeah, they are. You know when they'd come in whenever I'd be in hospital when I was little, and they'd have one of those mops and mop the floor, and I'm like, what are you actually doing? What are you doing? You're just bringing... Because you look at those mop...
00:54:24
Speaker
fringe things and go, they used to be blue. And now they're... Now they're rat. Now they're rat. Now they're just rat tails. Yeah, official Pantone rat color. I don't think that's how they made. That's not how they made it. Anyway, I'm looking at time. Okay. All right, so our next episode, episode eight is going to be about dating shenanigans. Obviously, we're both happily married most of the time. And so this is looking backwards.
00:54:51
Speaker
not forwards. Online dating, the bookshop dream. I have no idea what that is. What is that? No, I do know what that is. Is that one of your stories? Yeah. Men who live with their mum and fluffy pink cocktails. There's a couple of my stories. I'm still trying to convince Jay to write a book about her dating shenanigans because honestly, they are exceptionally funny and they kept me entertained for many years.
00:55:12
Speaker
If you'd like to listen to more of our ramblings, please follow and subscribe, as I previously mentioned, on your podcast platform of choice. Thank you for listening. Until next time, embrace your uncut and unpolished selves. Bye. Bye-bye. See you. This podcast represents the personal opinions of Amber and Jade. No content should be taken as advice or recommendations.