Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Infertility, IVF, & Holding Hope with Bailey Hawkins
92 Plays4 months ago
After five years of infertility and walking through several IUI and IVF procedures, our guest Bailey Hawkins shares her journey to motherhood, how she held onto hope in the waiting, and what sustained her through one of the hardest seasons of her life. This episode is for anyone navigating infertility, supporting someone who is, or needing a reminder that they are not alone in the wait!
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to 'That's a Win Podcast'
00:00:02
Speaker
Hey guys Morgan and Rachel here. Welcome to That's a Win Podcast, where we share the highs and lows of motherhood, celebrating the wins along the way. Thanks for joining us on our journey. Talk soon.
Welcoming Bailey Hawkins, the First In-Studio Guest
00:00:13
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of That's a Win Podcast with your hosts, Morgan and Rachel. and we have a special guest with us today, Bailey Hawkins. Welcome. Hello. Thanks for having me.
00:00:26
Speaker
So it's an exciting
Playing 'Start, Snooze, and Skip' with Grocery Options
00:00:27
Speaker
episode today. We get to interview our first guest in our new in-person studio. Super fun. You're our guest of honor. Yeah. So we decided that when we have a guest on, we're going to play start with playing a game.
00:00:41
Speaker
And it's called Start, Snooze, and Skip. So it's kind of like think about your traditional like start bench cut, but we had to you know do the alliteration there. And Rachel, you came up with the three things. What are we starting, snoozing, or skipping today?
Grocery Shopping Preferences with Kids
00:00:58
Speaker
Okay.
00:00:58
Speaker
We are going to – these are our three um choices. Okay? right. Grocery pickup, grocery delivery, or going inside to actually go and get your groceries yourself.
00:01:15
Speaker
So these are our three options, and you have to pick the one that you would start, the one that you would snooze, and the one that you would skip. The first question is, are my kids with me or no? Ooh. Okay. Let's say, yeah.
00:01:30
Speaker
Yeah. Let's say yes. Like real life scenario. being Anything in store is going to come in final place for me. Grocery delivery is going to be start. um Grocery pickup will be a very close second, just because if I can keep kids in their car seat, that's always a win for me. And,
00:01:51
Speaker
very very last very very last with my kids with me will be going I'm the same one that's mine that's literally mine exact as well yeah um I don't think I've ever done a full grocery in-store order with all kids you know all of us I don't think I've ever done like a full one here and there you have to run in for a couple things but yeah I'm not not like a full-blown haul no I'm not going to Costco with my kids in tow oh Oh, I have done that. I will if Daniel's with me.
00:02:23
Speaker
Yeah, if Daniel's with me, maybe. Yeah. yeah But not alone. That's for sure. well We're on the same page. Look at that. So maybe I did. i did pick a good one. well You did. Always.
Bailey's Journey: Introduction and Fertility Beginnings
00:02:33
Speaker
So let's, um for those who don't know you, Bailey, yes we can get to know you and just tell us a little bit about yourself. And then I guess we can talk about kind of how we know each other and how our friendship started those years ago. Yes, so of course my name is Bailey, as they already said, and live here in Knoxville. I have most of my life born and raised here, which is how we all three met in school. um I've been married for a little over 10 years now and have two kids through fertility treatments. A very long road there we will get to here in just a few minutes and I'm excited to share about. But um first and foremost, how the three of us met and have known each other for...
00:03:09
Speaker
gosh 25 plus years we're 32 now so since the fifth grade how old you are 2005 it was always like the year that our grade was was the year that was so 2005 was fifth grade i never thought about that okay 21 years that's how i always remember me neither i almost thought you were like so smart and knew it's so good i'm like That's the only way. It always matches up. It always matches up. So we're lucky. So we've known each other, like as long as I've even known you, Morgan. Like, all three of us. Yeah.
00:03:45
Speaker
Wow. but Back to... Well, I guess you guys met each other in fifth grade, but I remember sixth grade, purple pod. Yes. Throwback. Yes. Great time. You know, sixth grade. Yeah. I remember...
00:03:58
Speaker
fifth grade because we were in the that portable yeah outside. yeah And we were in, what if we call like team classes or – think so. You know, when it's like the two teachers. it's that Was that team? Team teacher. Team teacher. Yes.
00:04:10
Speaker
And I was in the other class and I was – like into your brother. were definitely a twin for when it's new. And he was in Rachel's class and I was right next door. Yes. yeah She had the witness to yeah that's right the young love, the fifth grade love. Yep.
00:04:30
Speaker
It was, it was great. That's so funny. I can't believe that was 21 years ago. I know. It's nuts. And it feels like forever. Yeah. But then also forever ago at the same time. Yes. yeah My exact thoughts. Crazy.
00:04:44
Speaker
Well, um, I guess we can just go ahead and get into the questions
Struggles with Endometriosis and Early Fertility Treatments
00:04:48
Speaker
and stuff. Um, you mentioned, you know, you've been through quite the journey to get to your sweet little family that you have now. Could you share just a little bit, um,
00:04:58
Speaker
How you got there. Yes. I know it's a long, long story. Yes. Honestly, a lot of it was like so traumatic that I think some bits and pieces are blocked out. So I will try my best. But Heath and i met in college and we got married at 22. So really young. Yeah. really one of the first of many of our friends and Morgan you were not too far after us um but we got married at 22 and really I was not ready to have kids right off the bat because I was so young we were so broke so we were really not in a place to have a family yet but it was definitely something that I always wanted growing up having kids and having a family and being a mom that was like my dream goal in my life and um when I turned 24 stopped birth control
00:05:39
Speaker
And just like we're always told growing up, you know, first time you try, it's going to happen. Like, you should always be so, so careful if you're not ready because it'll happen so fast. It's what we were always told. And i always struggle with super painful periods, really starting at about 15 years old. So for more than my life than not at this point. And, um, Never really thought that it would cause me to struggle to have children, but I knew that it might because my mom dealt with the same things with endometriosis and a few other things, and she actually did IUIs to have my siblings
Challenges and Miscarriages in the IUI Process
00:06:15
Speaker
and I. So I kind of knew that that was a possibility, but it was not something that I thought would be for sure because I was so young. you know Cycles were painful, but regular. I never really thought like it was going to be a big issue. So fast forward, it was not happening, um, at all. No, like plus sign on a test, nothing happened at all. And I was just like, this is really weird. I'm 24 years old, like prime fertility years. This is really odd.
00:06:42
Speaker
So started the process of getting all checked out. Um, come to find out, not surprised that I had endometriosis, had the surgery with a fertility doctor here in Knoxville. Um, and I will come back to him also later, but, um, Had the surgery, it was confirmed, thought the surgery was going to be, you know, a shoe in like that would be the thing that worked for us. It was going to be the thing that helped me finally conceive. Well, months and months go by and still had not. And at that point it had been, let's see.
00:07:11
Speaker
probably about a year and a half or so. So I was like, okay, I'm so young. I've done all the right things. I've done the surgery. I've done all the vitamins. I've stood upside down. I've literally done all the weird stuff that you could think to do. And so that was when we started the IUI process. And that is, people get that confused with IVF. And IUI is actually a lot more like the natural way because you take fertility drugs, but you're not... it's it's not as invasive as IVF, it's not as expensive as IVF, it's just like that first step into the fertility treatment world. So that was what we started with, and we did six rounds of those where I got pregnant four different times, all miscarried. um And it was weird because each time I responded so well to all the meds, and i was the issue was never that I wasn't ovulating, it was that a pregnancy just wasn't happening anymore. So it was really, really odd that I had had the surgery. I had done x Y, and Z, and I would get a positive test, and then it would just fade away, and I would bleed, and it would be gone. Like, that was is how it went. So at that point, as you can imagine, I was really frustrated. and Those were about probably around $700, $800 a piece. So at that age, that was a lot of money. Um, it was, and so i was like, I could be spending this money towards IVF or something that had a greater success rate. Like this is really frustrating.
00:08:31
Speaker
Something is being missed. So then comes the anxiety because I'm like, I've done everything under the sun and something is being missed because what is wrong with
Breakthrough in Fertility Treatments and Success
00:08:41
Speaker
us? Like when everything is perfect on paper, why is my test not positive? Like why is something not happening? Mm-hmm. And so after that, um there were a series of events that caused us to leave our clinic here in Knoxville. And that same doctor is actually long gone now. And I will leave it with I'm really thankful that he has chosen to retire because his bedside manner was very poor outside of my surgery. And it just felt like a really big lack of care there as far as exploring everything that could be wrong.
00:09:12
Speaker
And so I'm not sure how I came across this test, but it was called Receptiva DX, I think. And it tests for a gene called BCL6. And if anyone is listening to this and is going through ivf this is the one test that I think every single person who steps into a fertility clinic should do because it would have saved me thousands of dollars and it would have helped me, you know,
00:09:36
Speaker
get there so much faster. And so I mentioned it to him and he told me, Oh no, you've had the surgery. You don't need this test. Like, I don't think you need anything else. My gut was telling me that I needed to get a second opinion.
00:09:50
Speaker
So sure enough, I ran into a longtime friend of mine who said, you have to go to TRM in Chattanooga. And they are the absolute best, high success rates. There's a female doctor whom I loved and who ended up helping me through all of this and bringing my kids here um and fully listened to me. Did this test. Very long story short, it was off the charts positive. So what it tests for is a gene expression called BCL6. Everyone has this gene. Every female has this gene. But there's a certain expression that measures inflammation. And if it is above a certain threshold, that is um sort of tells you that you have s signs of endometriosis in your uterus that could affect a pregnancy occurring or not. And so the number that I think was her threshold was like 1.3 and mine 3.6. Okay.
00:10:45
Speaker
Yeah, so it was just like a huge weight off of me to get those results back, just to feel like, oh my gosh, like I knew that I was right this entire time. And I trusted my gut and I went where I where i felt led to go. And like I did this test, it was $700 out of pocket. Once again, no insurance coverage for anything fertility at that time and um got the test results back. So when you get that test back, you either can have surgery, which I had already had,
00:11:12
Speaker
And for some reason, it did not bring my inflammation levels down to where they needed to be. So from there, i um started a drug called Lupron. And I went into full-blown menopause at the age of 26, think I was, that was for three months.
00:11:31
Speaker
Hot flashes, no hormones in my body. It was the middle of summer. I'll never forget it. It was so horrendous. And so what that does is it brings estrogen down, which kills the inflammation and kind of makes your uterus a more stable environment, so to speak, for pregnancy to occur. And so in this time also um to go back, we had also gone through IVF and made embryos. So they were frozen while I was doing the Lupron protocol. So you do the Lupron for three months and then you go in for um ultrasounds. And at that point, if everything looks good, you start to take all these other drugs to prep your body for a transfer and you are trying to mimic what happens naturally. So
00:12:18
Speaker
And there's shots involved. There's lots of pills involved. that I won't even start to get into because it's a lot to explain. But all these things and you just really realize like the miracle and everything that it takes for even the chance to get pregnant. It's not even like actually getting pregnant, but the chance to. Right. And so people hear, oh you did IVF, yeah so for sure it's going to work. But that's not the case. It's actually only about a 25% success rate nationally. and Mine was higher just because i was young. I knew the cause of the infertility. A lot of people don't, unfortunately. But if that is you and you have been labeled unexplained, please do this biopsy. um It's painful, but it takes two seconds and it's expensive, but it's worth it. And I would have only had about a 10% chance of ever having children had I never done the
The IVF Journey and Successes
00:13:03
Speaker
biopsy. crazy So it's a it's an amazing test. And um we went through that transfer and that turned into my now almost four year old son, Shepard. And that was a very nerve wracking time in pregnancy because every day I was like, something's going to go wrong. Like, why would this finally work well for me? And that was just Satan. Yeah.
00:13:39
Speaker
just as big and crazy now as he was in utero so Yeah, we did that. And then about when Shepard was 15 months old, I did the Lupron again with a toddler in the summer. And it was terrible. um But I was like, I'm giving him a sibling um if I can. And so did that whole thing again. um The shots, the painful shots.
00:14:01
Speaker
transferred Opal's embryo and we also had no clue what the genders were. So like I chose not to know because I like everything else was already stolen from me kind of. And so I really wanted that to be a surprise, like a normal person. um And so I transferred her embryo and and got pregnant with her. Same protocol with Lupron, all that fun stuff was sick as a dog and doing shots in my hips to keep her growing for about the first 10 weeks of pregnancy and throwing up in Kroger bags. So I chased shepherd outside. and And that was a really fun time, but I would truly do it all again. And we still have one embryo that is frozen. So um we are still praying about what next steps are going to look like there. But um that is kind of a very cliff note version of our fertility journey. And um I've now total had seven miscarriages, one being last February, exactly a year ago, and I was not trying to get pregnant.
00:14:56
Speaker
And like to have a surprise positive test after everything I've been through was one of the most wild things that i ever experienced. think so. Like all the emotions, because first off at this point, Opal is like six months old. So I'm like, I'm not ready for this. Like what is happening? And I didn't think this could happen. And then excitement because I'm like, well, like if this is meant to be, this is so cool that it's natural and happened on its own.
00:15:22
Speaker
And so it was a miscarriage and it's okay. um I've been through that so many times, but um I just have lots to look forward to in heaven. And I'm so thankful to have the two healthy babies that I have now.
00:15:34
Speaker
Yeah. Wow. What a journey. Yeah. And I feel like that takes a toll on you physically, emotionally, spiritually, like all of the things. Yes. So how do you feel like you coped with it and what support systems did you have that were helpful to
Coping and Emotional Support During Fertility Challenges
00:15:50
Speaker
you?
00:15:50
Speaker
So to be honest, there were a lot of times I did not cope with it, period, because it was so hard that I think like, even now I look back and I'm like, oh my gosh, how did i persevere? Like through all of that being so young, I really didn't know any one of my immediate life friends who, you know,
00:16:10
Speaker
Maybe it took them a year or two. I know it did for you, Morgan. And Rachel, you also had a couple blips on your journey, I guess, as well. But, i'm like, it was still not similar to what I had walked through. And so, like, then it was hard because I felt like people didn't know what to say to me. And so it's not that they didn't want to be there for me, but it's like, what do you say to someone who has spent five years trying to have a baby and has had all these losses? Like, what do you say? Mm-hmm. So i think I cope with it mainly by, you know, being a part of the IVF community because they literally knew what I was walking through um and met some really awesome girls through that that I still stay in touch with now. And um they both also have had success and,
00:16:54
Speaker
One of which has four little boys. um One of which was a surprise naturally. Yeah. So it's been really cool just to follow their journeys also. So that was a really huge tool for me in that time to cope was to find outlets of women who were walking through exactly what I was that I could talk to and knew what I was going through. Not that I didn't have support in my real life, but it's just so different than when you're facing something that no one in your actual life is at that time. um And so,
00:17:24
Speaker
My mom also was a pretty big support. She went through infertility also, um but not IVF. And so that was also like a really big new thing for her to see me go through because she never got that far. But she was a really big support because I know that she knew how badly I wanted them. And so that was really big help just...
00:17:42
Speaker
having her knowing how hard and painful it was to walk through. um and I would say she was a huge support. And of course, mostly was my faith. Like truly I look back and I'm just like, God physically carried me through because there's so many times that i people would say that I should have stopped and given up and top of treatment and all these things and something in me that could have only come from him, like supernatural strength carried me through and kept me going and got me on the other side of all of it.
00:18:12
Speaker
So, yeah, I was, that's what going to say. Like, did you ever feel like giving up? I mean, did it feel like certain times where was just like, I actually never did. Like i am such a I'm not competitive, but I'm, if if you said, when I get my mind on something like it's going to happen, come hell or high water, like I'm sticking to it and it's getting done. and I would have totally adopted. I still would love to adopt. Like, that door is not closed, but a lot of people are like, oh, well, just adopt. It's not just. That is such a crazy process. And so when people that have not walked through IVF yeah or infertility say, oh, just go and...
00:18:49
Speaker
find a baby or adopt. There's so many kids. That's also a crazy process. So like, um, but yeah, I think that I would have, um, continued on another path to build my family had IVF not worked out. So, um, I never really felt like there was a point or where I felt in my gut that I should stop.
00:19:09
Speaker
Well, props to you for that, because I feel like It's so easy when you're going through something so hard and I'm sure so isolating and feeling like, you know, people don't understand or just want somebody to see you, you know, and I feel like it could feel easy just to be like, I'm giving up, you know? Yes. I don't know. Yes.
Reflections on Motherhood and Faith
00:19:29
Speaker
Yes. And actually, I'm not even sure if I've ever told you this when it was during COVID because I felt so bad that it was your first baby and you had to have a drive-by shower. Oh my gosh. Shout out. You still live? In South Carolina? Yeah. She organized it, though, because it was supposed to be in person. Yes, because it was in your old house. In your old house. And I was literally going through a miscarriage while I was painting my car for showers. Oh, my goodness. Oh, baby. And I get a question all the time of, like, did you ever feel like...
00:20:03
Speaker
jealous or anything of your friends or my sister who is about to have her sixth baby with absolutely no issues at all. It's weird how that happens. um But I really never did. like Not in the sense of like jealous that I wish it was me and not you. It was more so like, I'm so sad that this is my journey, but I'm still so happy that things are working out for you. But it was still really hard to walk through because it felt like,
00:20:29
Speaker
Like each birthday, like, oh, I'm 28 now or 29. Like it it always felt like you were on this, this internal clock of like, because as girls, fertility is very short window, honestly, if you've.
00:20:44
Speaker
Think about it. And so i would see all my friends having babies, my sister having multiple babies in the time that I was just trying to have one. And going through all this and sacrificing so much to get there and feeling like no one else around me had to sacrifice as much was really, really tough. But again, I never felt...
00:21:01
Speaker
jealous in the sense that I wanted to take it from someone else or I wanted to give up on the journey or anything like that. um And so truly God carried me through that and gave me a sense of peace because I've always felt like just because he gives something to someone else is not going to take away from what he's about to give you. And that goes for everything in life. and You know, his blessings and his timeline is perfect even when it's really, really frustrating and we don't see the end result. That's on purpose.
00:21:29
Speaker
Yeah. How do you feel like it shaped the five years, the the such the the hard journey to get there? How do you feel like that shaped your motherhood? Do you feel like it changed how you approached it or like give a different perspective or do you...
Personal Growth and Empathy from Fertility Struggles
00:21:45
Speaker
So I have actually shared about this on my own social media, and I honestly got several nasty messages. Oh, no. I do think that I appreciate anyone that has gone through a similar journey. And there are women who have gone through way worse than me, believe it or not, longer years, more money. I mean, it's crazy. Mine was actually a pretty straightforward case compared to many. And i do feel like we, and when I say we, I mean women who have been through IVF and several losses and all this stuff. I do think that I appreciate things in a different way, maybe than like a standard mother who it came really easy for. And I don't say that like I love my kids more than you love your kids or you love your kids. It's more so just like really small things that I like look forward to and appreciate because I never thought that I would get to
00:22:38
Speaker
experiencing right yeah so I would say in that way yes as far as my parenting no I feel like I'm the type of parent that I always thought I was going to be I'm definitely like stricter than I thought I was going to be maybe but as far as my fertility journey shaping it I think it just makes me see my kids and see things through a different lens and appreciate things in a different way I was going to say I was going to say the word appreciate I'm sure I'm sure it does yeah Do you feel like you learned a lot about yourself through the journey?
00:23:11
Speaker
Like, is there anything you wish you would have known at the start?
00:23:16
Speaker
Honestly, no, because I, and it's really hard to say that because like, obviously I wish I knew about all the steps to come. And, but really, I think if I knew as much in the beginning as I knew by the end, I don't know that I would have kept pursuing everything because it was so physically, financially, emotionally, spiritually draining that I, I think that God gave me the amount that he wanted me to have when he wanted me to have it. Like, I just feel like, It all played out exactly the way it was supposed to. and So no, but I do feel like it definitely completely changed me as a person. i think I'm a lot more empathetic to people, less judgmental, which I think everybody can always work on. And I think it just really made me appreciate the little things because that's truly all that matters. And um just the fact that I got to have a family is like a huge gift. And so it made me appreciate things that I don't know that I would have fully appreciated had I not walked through all that I did. Yeah.
00:24:18
Speaker
So somebody.
Advice for Those Facing Fertility Challenges
00:24:20
Speaker
okay so for people listening that maybe are going through a similar journey, like what piece of advice would you give them or just words of encouragement? So, not to give up is definitely what I would say. If you have a strong pull in your heart to be a mother, then know that God placed that in your heart for a reason. And that's not to say that it's going to play out, you know, the way that mine did or it's going to play out the way that you envisioned or the way you wanted to because mine definitely didn't. It was way off my timeline, but um just trust that he put that in your heart for a reason and that it's going to all work out in his way and his timing and that it will be so worth it in the end. And just to keep fighting for your future family and um don't stop asking questions and switch doctors if you don't feel peace. And yeah, I guess that's my best advice.
00:25:06
Speaker
And always trust your gut. Always. Your gut never lies. Nope. There's something really to be said about that. No, truly. I say it jokingly, but like it is so true. Well, I think it's easy to say it's like a gut feeling, but I also have always felt that God gives me extreme discernment about certain things. And sometimes it's a gift I wish I didn't have. Yeah. But this was like a good example of like, I did not feel peace with this doctor. And like, I could not let that go in my head. And so sure enough, as soon as I left there and sought out different care and a second opinion, I was exactly where I needed to be at the time that I needed to be there. And everything played out the way that it was supposed to the entire time. And Shepard and Opal would not be here had I not made that choice.
00:25:48
Speaker
Crazy. it's crazy to look back and see all the little pieces and how everything everything worked together to be like, right. And you don't see it in the moment. No. Then when you're looking back, it's like, wow. Yes.
00:25:59
Speaker
Yep. Thank you for sharing all of that with us. Of course. We appreciate you coming and. It's so, it's so I love just seeing the pictures of your kids and your sweet little kiddos. And I'm like, wow, it's just sweet to see. Thank you. You the, not the end of your story, but to see how far you've come and be able to see the little blessings that they've been in your life. Thank you. That really
Celebrating Small Wins in Motherhood
00:26:21
Speaker
means a lot. Um, well, I guess we do a little segment called win of the week around here. where we celebrate our bigger, small victories as moms, you know, just yeah count it, count it all as a win. Yes. So do you have a win of the week that you could share with us today? I do. So my youngest, who is almost two, just started mother's day out with her brother. And for the last two drop off, there have been no tears and she has had so much fun. ah So that is my win for the week but because I, as a mom, no one wants to leave their child crying and drop off. And so just to like see that she's having fun and enjoying it and loves her teacher is just huge win for me as a mom.
00:27:00
Speaker
That's awesome. Yeah. That is huge. And I feel like sometimes with the the second babies, they just... at least from my experience, they kind of like blend in or they merge into those things easier. Like it's just like, okay, yeah they're, they're the go with the flow. They're ready to just, yes, I'm sure. And she's she loves it. yeah Yeah. So she like knows all yeah all the things. It's awesome. Oh, that's awesome.
00:27:22
Speaker
All
Educational Game for Kids: 'Kangaroo Cravings'
00:27:23
Speaker
right. Well, we will wrap up our show with our bestie bite, which is where we leave you guys with a little something to chew on for the week. And this week's bestie bite is something that I've been loving. Mainly Jude has been loving lately. And it's also an educational thing. So win-win, you know, feel like you're really checking all the boxes there. Mom of the year. You know, I try over here. But okay, so it's this game called Kangaroo Cravings. I think we just got it at Target. And we don't really play totally by the rules, but it's basically like a little learning to read type game, but it's a board game. And you pull these cards and you're sounding out the letters and you're trying to sound out the words. And then it has like a number of spaces. It's really, really cute. And it's something that he asks to play every night. And I'm like, okay, he wants to do something... educational. Yes. And he's learning his letter sounds like he's blending the words together. just to see the, like, he's so proud of himself when he gets it. It like literally I've teared up multiple times because he's like,
00:28:32
Speaker
f after, after, after, and it's like, it's just lights up. And I'm like, it's so cool to watch them learn things. And just like, I don't know. He's at the age where it's like, seems like he's learning and doing all these big things. I know. yeah So just a tip out there. If y'all want a fun education I'll be heading Target this week. I i was about to say, same.
00:28:54
Speaker
Well, thank you guys for listening to the episode. I hope you guys enjoy this conversation with Bailey as much as we did. And it provided some encouragement to y'all who might be going through a similar journey. And will talk to y'all next week.
00:29:06
Speaker
Bye.
00:29:10
Speaker
Thanks so much for listening to another episode. Remember, everyone is worth celebrating. Talk soon.