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Top 3 Creative Ways to Dispose of Murder Evidence with Guest Co-host Jenn
38 Plays11 days ago
We're killing it with our topic selection this week! Join us this week as we discuss our most creative ways to dispose of evidence of deeds most foul with our friend, Jenn. You'll be in stitches. You'll die laughing! I wonder if the algorithms will even allow this episode? We'll all find out together!
Follow us @MyTopEverything on Insta for updates! Email us at mytopeverythingpodcast@gmail.com with topic suggestions, comments, or questions. We're on Bluesky now! Join the conversation at @mytopeverything.com on Bluesky and at /r/MyTopEverything on Reddit.
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Transcript
Introduction and Opening Banter
00:00:00
Speaker
mic's hot am I allowed to sing for the opening song anymore oh it's too much you guys do do do but what else am i supposed to start in with do do you can you
00:00:20
Speaker
like try and do only one song per every other podcast
00:00:28
Speaker
Welcome to My Top Everything. I'm Marian. I'm Kara. I'm Mara.
00:00:35
Speaker
And I go? Yeah.
00:00:38
Speaker
I didn't know if there was like an introduction. I'm Jen. And we're four childhood friends who argue about anything and everything.
Topic Introduction: Creative Evidence Disposal
00:00:47
Speaker
ah This week, our topic...
00:00:50
Speaker
is top three creative ways to dispose of murder evidence. but bump boom We, disclaimer, have not, I like how you looked like you were giving up on life after you made that bump, bump, bump. You looked like, you were like, I didn't like it. I wish I take it back. liked it, liked it. I shrugged it. was big fan.
00:01:14
Speaker
I felt seen by Mara. We both like, yeah what didn't really add to that. You're like, I'm dead inside when you did that. Um, yeah, I just want a disclaimer. It's not that any of us specifically knows how to do this topic. It's not like we have. Speak for yourself.
Focus Debate: Body vs. Evidence
00:01:31
Speaker
We're not experts. We don't have past experience. None of our ones that actually were never found out are on the list anyways. Yeah, we only are doing ones that don't really work ah for obvious reasons.
00:01:43
Speaker
Yeah. So, ah does somebody want to get started or do you have thoughts on this topic before we dive
00:01:54
Speaker
of mine are centered around disposing of the body because same the thought of how I would murder somebody and like the evidence in which that I would have to... like That thought process was too scary. You're right. i i also...
00:02:13
Speaker
I also focused on specifically the body. Yeah. I did not. I focused on the evidence. Psycho! Well, the body is evidence. No body, no crime. Yep. That's what. Yes.
00:02:24
Speaker
I thought this was a particularly hard one because there's so many TV shows and movies and books about this that finding one that wasn't like, think I don't know I'm not feeling confident is all I'm going to say.
Preparedness and Ideas Exchange
00:02:37
Speaker
Oh, you don't know that you're going to nail the creative part of this. No.
00:02:40
Speaker
Yeah. Not to incriminate myself for crimes I haven't committed, because I totally haven't committed these, but I felt oddly prepared for this ah truly, i was like, I'm glad that Jen will be here for this, because I do believe that Jen could come up with three really creative ways to dispose of murder evidence. Does anyone want to start? I think we should save Jen for last. I'll go. Okay. Thank you. um least creative we're gonna go from least creative to most creative quite literally i have all cured myself for this because i know who i am um i was gardening this morning so it's uh you know it's part of you are not about to say yeah put it in your garden and my raised bed
00:03:21
Speaker
Kara! but Number one, putting it in your garden is like the most normal. Like and everybody that there's so many people who get discovered because of their garden and their yard. It depends on Well, if you're a suspect, you're fucked.
00:03:37
Speaker
Here, we're going to elevate Tara's tactic. Tara, you're going put it in someone else's garden. There we go Thank you, Jen. like, not a neighbor's. No, you're going to have to. No, no, yeah. It has to be outside of the comfort. Thank you, Jen. That's what I meant.
00:03:52
Speaker
And you're going to have to drive, but you can't take your phone with you because your GPS will be trapped. Right, right, right. I know that. So you have to go, you know, solo and maybe find a farm, not a garden. Now we're getting into other people's shit. No, stop. What the fuck? Yeah.
00:04:07
Speaker
Okay, so garden? You're fucking raised but Someone else's garden. They don't even have to dig underground. Like a squirrel's gonna find that, man. But I'm thinking about murder evidence, like not the body. So i so the gun?
00:04:23
Speaker
No, no, no, no, no. I'm not. okay First of all, if it's premeditated, i'm not using like a gun. It's going to be like statue. So this is only accidental murder. It wouldn't even be called murder at that point. It'd be called accidental manslaughter evidence. and You still murder somebody if they like come into your house and you're scared and you hit them with a statue or something. Dead. Like their best murder.
00:04:42
Speaker
correct so you're saying accidental evidence you would put into your like what somebody else's raised garden bed somebody else's raised garden bed outside of my normal location that i don't bring my phone to uh-huh maybe i even bike there and you have to hope they don't have a ring cara a ring care of camera or anybody's home because that's gonna be awkward yeah for sure and then what what are you gonna do with the shovel that you used to bury it
00:05:09
Speaker
Maybe, did you, did you, by having stands, like, think of more this morning? i I changed this morning. Wait, wait, wait. No. The shovel, the shovel is fine. She gardens normally. It's totally normal for her to have still after this. Unless she goes to a, unless she has bought a specific type of dirt, and then that dirt gets, I mean, let's talk about bones, you know, like forensic evidence. Why would she buy new dirt?
00:05:33
Speaker
Because she's gonna have to, no, no, that, if she, if her dirt doesn't match the people's garden that she's in right so then her shovel has pieces of the other dirt that's it you're going to clean it so well that they're not going to be able to find forensic evidence yeah you think kara's going to be able to keep this a secret okay well first first correct
00:05:54
Speaker
Mara would be my first person would call. Would be that they even go to that garden to get the forensic evidence. This person isn't a suspect. No one's digging up that garden. Thank you, Jess. The squirrel digs it up.
00:06:05
Speaker
They're like, what's this statue doing here with accidental blood on it? Clearly this was an accident. Who got rid of an Oscar?
00:06:15
Speaker
I've never seen a squirrel dig before in my life. What? What? They dig all the time. John? The acorns? What are you talking about? First of all, those are all on the surface. I've never seen it, so it doesn't happen. They don't really dig. They surface level Okay, a bear goes in. Bears love raised gardens. Bears? Bear goes in.
00:06:33
Speaker
Bear finds a gun. Then now... Kills the owner of that house. Now you and the bear will be jailed in the same cell. Good luck. Kara will befriend that bear.
00:06:46
Speaker
Damn, Mary's got a point here on this one. I've talked to a few bears in my time, and that is true. All right, so that was Kara's number three. i changed it this morning. Do you want to hear what my alternative was before this. Yeah. I
Innovative Evidence Disposal Methods
00:06:59
Speaker
couldn't figure out how to. Sorry, sorry. The fact that you changed it because you're like, what's more creative than what I had?
00:07:04
Speaker
It's because. Garden bed. it's Nobody's ever thought of that before. It's because i think that this wouldn't work. I was trying to figure out the logistics of how it would work. But you know how you can train corvids to bring you things and then they'll take things away? I was trying to think about how you could like train a corvid to come to your house all the time and then somehow take the murder weapon away by bird.
00:07:25
Speaker
This is a great creative way. Why didn't you keep this one? What is a Corvid? Like crow, raven. Like raven and crow. Magpie. but So ah this was great. But they only bring you things.
00:07:37
Speaker
So they bring you tree and then you give them food. So just do a hawk. Carry your pigeon. There's no carrier pigeons. It has to be like something under the radar. will point out that. The way you think a crow is more under the radar than a pigeon. They're living in the neighborhood right now. Yeah. So they would be just like every day hanging out. Crows and ravens will accept shiny gifts.
00:07:57
Speaker
You give them the gun. they have to be small. It has to be like, oh, I killed them with a nickel. Well, no, no, no, no. You would have to break apart the murder. Like, let's say you use a hammer.
00:08:08
Speaker
You would have to break the hammer into pieces. And then you give a little piece to different crows each day. So that way they're also not taking it to the same place. That was my theory is that it's multiple as well. but Yeah. would have like And then they would spread out. This is great.
00:08:21
Speaker
How do we get to garden from this? i don't I don't know. This is excellent. I'm tired. yeah right That's my number three. It's real good. Hell yeah, brother. It's good shit. Kara, proud of you. Thank you. i love having Jenna. Jen, jen do you... Yeah, thank you. Who do you think is going to be more creative to go next, me or Mara?
00:08:42
Speaker
damn. I think I should go next, probably. I was going to ask her, too. Yeah. Yeah, I think Mara can get some pretty outlandish ideas floating. Okay.
00:08:54
Speaker
I hope they live up. Yeah, no pressure. ah my My first one's super easy. Anybody can do it. And this isn't with the body. i actually did what you did as well. I have some that are body, some are the evidence that doesn't relate to the body.
00:09:11
Speaker
um So this would be evidence that doesn't relate to the body, like um rags with their blood on it, et ceterat cetera, et cetera. U.S. mailing system. Just pop that baby in there with a bad address, you know, package. Make sure to mark it like important, fragile, like insure it, whatever.
00:09:27
Speaker
Make it really clear that there's something important in this box. That will get lost. That will get lost. It will not show up to where, you know what I'm saying? The U.S. mailing system sucks. I'm ragging at, you guys are giving me blank looks. I'm ragging on the U.S. mailing system. that's Because I think since all the anthrax stuff, they're a little, they dig a little bit more into smell. Plus they attract the sender.
00:09:48
Speaker
they they'd They like check your packages. They don't just send them around. They'd immediately be like, why there a bloody knife or a gun? and no, know there wouldn't be there wouldn't be a knife or a gun. There'd be bloody rags. Why wouldn't you just burn those?
00:10:03
Speaker
Well, because that's not creative. I'm getting creative here. i'm sending I'm sending my evidence through the US mail because I'm confident that they will lose it and that it'll go into where all those other lost packages of mine have gone. Seriously? That's the ether.
00:10:18
Speaker
it's the most foolproof thing I can think of is you just put whatever you want in one of those flat rate boxes. You pay $35. You send it to an address. At Christmas time. Yeah, at Christmas time.
00:10:31
Speaker
You wait until Christmas. Yeah. that is it you know what two days two days before christmas rush shipping yeah make sure make sure to get one number wrongs in the zip code or well not the zip they need the zip code but you know you know make it vague enough that that's going to end up in the trash because the mail person got so aggravated with trying to find where this went that they i assume that's where all the lost packages go is that the mail person got angry and did the disposal for you They probably have done so many crimes. You know, i both of them I could help with this one, too, because if they you have to have a correct address yeah because they require an actual address when they put the thing in. But as a planner, you know what addresses have now been removed because parcels have been grouped together or something. And then an address is old, but it would still be in their system. Shut up. I don't know how you'd fit. you It would take a minute to figure out, but we can figure out.
00:11:22
Speaker
You'd also yeah have to drive somewhere really obscure to do the mailing because they stamp it with where it's Oh, yeah. Really busy, like New York City, the biggest one. Yeah, it would have to be a really busy city where I can be anonymous.
00:11:36
Speaker
Casper, Wyoming. I'm paying in cash. But I really think this is a super accessible way to get rid of your murder evidence. Okay. Anybody can do it. You just wait until Christmas time. What if you ask somebody to do it for you, too? So then...
00:11:50
Speaker
Yeah, you say, oh, can you mail a package? somebody that goes all the time, so then they wouldn't be, like, suspicious of the person dropping the package off. No, yeah, that's totally good. And you could still, with the hammer, for example, you could chop it up into pieces. They're just going to think that.
00:12:02
Speaker
How are you chopping a hammer? You know you get nitrogen, and then it gets cold, and you smash it, and then there's... And then you have millions of pieces? You have all these pieces everywhere? And the great part is, is that when the US s people, the USPS looks at it and they're like, why is there a broken thing in here? They'll just go, oh, we won't report it because we probably broke it.
00:12:23
Speaker
You know what I'm saying? Like, they'll think that they jostled it too much. Foolproof. yeah We jostled this hammer to you. I would like to take a moment to acknowledge today's sponsor, USPS. Thank you for all you You do a great job out there. we appreciate your hard work and your long seasonal hours. I clearly think a lot of the USPS system. We love the government. It gets lost.
00:12:49
Speaker
Mara, my number three most creative way to get rid of all of mine are long games. Every single one of mine is premeditated. It takes years to set up. okay Um, number one, I got to move to where the ocean is.
00:13:05
Speaker
I just need access to the ocean. i spend years just hanging out, living there. um acquiring a boat or acquiring friends with boat like a drunkards that aren't gonna notice when their boat's fucking gone yeah um and then that body goes i think it's really important that you don't have the boat yeah and also that uh these drunkards don't know your real name you wear like some kind of weird prosthetic nodes every time you go to them in a way oh my god i cut off a You have a nickname like Shorty or something.
00:13:37
Speaker
So when the cops come around and they're like, yeah do you know anyone who might have had connections to Bernard? And you say, well, short, they'll be like Shorty. And then they'll say, describe Shorty. And they'll be like, oh, hook nose, one eye, red head.
00:13:55
Speaker
I like the idea better that the boat that you use is like, you know, you make really good friends with... uh, people that know people and then, you know, they're on vacations. You are their boat when they're on vacations. They don't even know.
00:14:07
Speaker
They don't even know you when you take the boat. And it has to be some rinkety dink old, like probably private access pier slip so that it doesn't have cameras. Yes.
00:14:18
Speaker
It's gotta be old. Yeah. Yeah. gotta be an old one yeah these are all like really old fish and like a fishing vessel yeah fish it already has blood in it and the hooks oh yeah those hooks that swing maybe texas and you just wait until a blackout which happens all the time you know so then the cameras are down okay yeah one of those lakes yeah rivers and in my years of waiting i have to understand the tide and the currents so yes So how far out are you going? And this is for a body.
00:14:48
Speaker
Yeah. Are you tying like any weights to it or what are we doing? Um, okay. So I'd have to learn a little bit more about the human anatomy and what will fall apart as it decomposes. A lot, a lot of what happens is it blows gases and then it, and that's why bodies are discovered to come back up.
00:15:04
Speaker
And then, but it's crazy. The currents like murder in like Japan or Russia can like end up in our East coast or some shit. I don't know. Oh, I see. you So you're going to wait at like a scuba diver where it's not going to go all the way down to the bottom and sink. So the currents can't take it.
00:15:19
Speaker
So like when, when you're, when you're scuba diving, yeah you have the weights. So that way you can float in the middle of the ocean. So you'll wait the body so that it doesn't go all the way down and sink and stay in one place. You'll do it. So it catches on the current.
00:15:31
Speaker
No, it needs to go all the way down because if it's floating in the middle, ah it'll be picked to by a cur it'll be different pieces and the pieces will come up. That's good.
00:15:43
Speaker
That's good shit. they's But like, is bones true? Like, can they solve a murder based off of a foot? ah There's a TV show called Bones, so. That's what you're saying, is bones true?
00:15:54
Speaker
fuck.
00:15:56
Speaker
As a matter of fact, in the Puget Sound, they've had a strange phenomenon for the last 30 years where something like 18 feet have washed up on shore.
00:16:07
Speaker
Oh my God. Because somebody is waiting it. So it goes into the current and then. Oh no. animals I'm going to fact check Grayson, but I will say that there's a dock that was from Japan that when the tsunamis happened, and that it did end up on Washington's.
00:16:21
Speaker
Yes. So like there are ways that it's going to float all the way around and be found. Yeah. But lots of things going to the ocean and never come out. Yeah, I will say that is the one thing that if we still did points, I might give this a negative half point because the ocean is not, you know, lots of people dispose of murder evidence in the ocean.
00:16:40
Speaker
Yeah, pretty common. I said, I don't know if mine are going to live up. I mean, the long game. i like the long game part of it. You could put your evidence on a submarine with a billionaire.
00:16:52
Speaker
That's a good way to go. Yeah, but like a really unreliable submersible, you know, that has had problems and everyone said, don't keep taking that down. Why are we not sinking somebody else's boat with the body on it?
00:17:04
Speaker
Well, because then you're committing what? like I got to take two boats. There's so much going on there. That's a lot of extra work. But I do really like the idea of a creative way being find something that's already tanking, a building that's going to get demolished, a submersible that everybody's like, this is really unsafe.
00:17:21
Speaker
Put the stuff in there. Wait for the accident to happen. Grayson's right. Since August 2007, at least 20 detached human feats have been found on coats in Washington. Feats.
00:17:32
Speaker
my like god washington day Washington State. 20 detached human feats. Feats. I was just thought it was cute. Feats. Alright, Jen, let's hear yours. I don't know if mine are very creative.
00:17:46
Speaker
Mine are very successful. I don't want to get caught. You would get a point because it was better than garden. I'm looking at my number three. Check yourself. That was her honorable mensch. That came before the third. Raised bed. Not even down like six feet.
00:18:03
Speaker
because I was doing it because I thought if I'm digging in my garden, somebody's going like, that's fucking... But I'm actively adding dirt to my thing right now. And so people will be like, oh, they're just... They're just doing in their gardening. One bad storm, washing the soil, and then suddenly all the shit's on in the front of your yard. contained. There's no way. We'll be visiting you in prison. i hope you do.
00:18:26
Speaker
We'll see. Let's not forget her actual answer was Corvid's, though. Yeah. yeah Well, yeah, because we forced her. So, Jen, what's your number three? um Okay, so i this is going to illustrate so clearly how much I could not succeed at getting away with murder.
00:18:42
Speaker
But one of my prior teams at work, and I will not release any identifying information, somehow this topic came up quite frequently when our team got together. We had a very dark sense of humor, and we created what we thought was the perfect plan, and it is not.
Unconventional Burial Tactics
00:18:58
Speaker
um Disclaimer, don't do this. But the the ah method that we had was you have to You know, classic, like, go out into the woods, dig a hole sort of trope.
00:19:15
Speaker
But instead of digging the whole landscape mode to lay the body horizontally, you're going to dig it portrait mode. And I know you're thinking to yourself, holy, holy balls. I have to dig that deep.
00:19:27
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, you do. I've heard about this, actually. this is a This is thing, right? This is a recommended thing. to do it portrait mode. because when they're I love that you just jumped onto portrait mode. That's a good way of putting it, but that i've I've heard this. Horizontal and vertical exist, but landscape and portrait just felt so right.
00:19:46
Speaker
um Because yeah, when they're looking for disturbed ground, that's going to be the length of a body horizontally. that They're not going to look for... When they use aerial imagery, they do look for specific sizes. Yeah, so first step is you got to bury that body portrait mode. And that's a lot of digging. So just like gear up, get your three best friends, get to work.
00:20:06
Speaker
Okay, but also if you're dealing it if you're doing it portrait mode, that means but what diameter circle are we looking for here? I mean, that's going to be hard to get in and out of That's that that's machiner how much...
00:20:19
Speaker
but well Now we're bringing machinery into this? I'm not digging a portrait What? Now we're bringing machinery into this? What? You've never done dispose of murder evidence before? But, okay.
00:20:32
Speaker
How long would this fucking take? This would take like 12 hours. It's going to take forever. I would suggest that, you know... so Oh, this is irrigation related. um So when you're trying not to disturb an area, you have ah ah a ah and shovel that you kind of like slip underneath the turf grass and you pop it up and you like peel it back and then you can put it back after you're digging and everything. You put it back and it looks like nothing has happened. yeah So you need to find an area where you can still get in and out to do portrait mode, but big enough that you can have a person in there shoveling.
00:21:03
Speaker
and maybe a bucket or whatever but you have to like kind of peel back the soil and then put it back once yeah so that looks like less sky is disturbed that is so brilliant and it was not part of my plan at all so first step portrait mode second step in addition to already digging a very deep narrow hole you have to dig it even a little bit more deep because wait wait wait Don't come in here. Don't come in here. I know what you're going to say. i know where you' say I'm confident you know what I'm going to say too.
00:21:33
Speaker
She wants to say it. Let her say it. Let's say it at the same time. Three, two, one. ah three two one Dead animal. What? Yeah. yeah so So you got to bury your household pet on top because when they dig up the disturbed land, they'll see that there is an animal there. there They'll think, oh, someone just buried Spot.
00:21:55
Speaker
There's not a body under there. Karen's face. Karen's face. Now, question. So with this household pet that you're digging up, is it a your household pet? Like, are they going to be able to tie this back to you? B. Now, is the is this a situation where the pet died of natural causes? You've been keeping it in an ice chest waiting for this moment?
00:22:15
Speaker
Or is it a situation where, you know, you have a couple spares? You always have four cats for a reason, but you tell everyone you only have three. Oh, oh my God. so I will not be taking any answers on the pet.
00:22:27
Speaker
but This has actually been proven to be false. So don't do this. You will be caught. wait why The animal dog, body smelling dogs can smell the difference between deceased animals and deceased humans. I didn't know that. So don't do that. I want to live in my wall. Well, there's, there's one more step to this. both in prison yeah
00:22:50
Speaker
and There's a little more step to this turn, which is Earl gotta go. He's too tall. That hole's too deep. Oh my God. This whole time I was thinking, imagine digging this hole and trying to stuff me down. Honestly, I think we could do top three ways to dispose of Grayson. And that would be a whole different podcast. Can we put that in? I would love to do that. I don't like rhythm.
00:23:16
Speaker
I don't.
00:23:18
Speaker
it's There is one more step. three Top three ways to dispose of a Bigfoot-sized man. You and I can just talk about it offline. Oh, nice. Hello talk.
00:23:30
Speaker
um Grayson's face. Tara's face. Love bug. Mine will just be men. Jen, you had another point. I step... There is one more step to this absolutely infallible plan.
00:23:41
Speaker
um Again, have not Googled this. I'm not incriminating myself. You just got to trust the process, whether it works or not. But one of my teammates on this former team claimed that if you shove yogurt...
00:23:56
Speaker
if you she yogurt up the anus. What the fuck? I like where this is going. Oh, is it decomposing more of the bacteria? It helps the body decompose faster. Yo, that's such a good idea. Yeah. Is that real?
00:24:10
Speaker
Again, have no p clue if that is true or not. I like the idea. Yeah, that checks out. Because you already have live bacteria in yogurt. you got to process. Now, do we have to make sure... So then that means you got to buy yogurt, but not in a way that they can trace back the type of yogurt or where you bought it. How yogurt do you think you're fitting up the human intestine? I'm just saying, will they be able to identify that you put yogurt up there and the type of brand? Maybe they'll be like...
00:24:36
Speaker
And then they'll be like, oh, this is only... Imagine, imagine. Because you know what? I am imagining Kara doing this. She's bought her fucking yogurt from ****** co-op. So it's a special brand. She she yeah she shoves it up the anus.
00:24:48
Speaker
And then puts it in her raised They're the Boston Commonwealth Police Department. So they're not sure it's Kara at first. They're like, is this Kara? Just because the body is in the raised bed doesn't mean it's Kara just because it was at her house.
00:25:04
Speaker
Karen Reed, anybody? Anyway. So then they discover, oh, there's yogurt. yo yo yeah they're They're Bostonians. So there's yoga ah shoved up this guy's anus.
00:25:17
Speaker
And so then they start tracing it. Oh, it's only one brand that sold out the co-op. Now they've got you. yeah i'm not this is not you're telling me you're telling me i can't use anderson erickson yogurt disposable body in like california also should we bleep out anderson erickson in case they don't want to be associated with this we've already condemned lot pita pita pita we've already received a cease and desist so pita's gonna love our her household bed i And now that we've mentioned PETA, we can put them in the tags again and make them listen to this episode. Gang motherfuckers.
00:25:59
Speaker
Peter, this disclaimer, PETA wouldn't like this. Just so that way PETA doesn't think we're, you know... Trolling them like we are? Right. and are I know. Do you have more to this creative way, Jen?
00:26:13
Speaker
Nope, that is the process. 100% guarantee or your money back. Excellent. Kara, let's get your number two. Good Lord. Okay. and um My number two is... Okay, so you know how you have all these small towns or... Well, I guess, you know how you have all these museums where they're just kind of like...
00:26:34
Speaker
Oh, um the Civil War happened and we have five things in our museum in the middle of nowhere. Nobody ever goes to them. There's no cameras. There's one dude that works there Saturday from noon to five and that's all. Go to one of those museums with your murder evidence, not the body, and leave it in one of the like cabinets or under something and people are going to think it's part of the museum. Yeah.
00:26:55
Speaker
Sorry. Yeah. What? I love that. You're getting into a museum with stuff. It's like in your purse. Yeah. know Like a woman's big bag. Let's take a knife. I've spent many ah hours in a podanky link, whatever the little verb word I wanted to say. Podunk.
00:27:12
Speaker
town uh with like i bet have you guys ever been to the museum of billy clocks smallest church in the nation in iowa or the um so you're gonna can tractor exactly it's one of those where it's like middle of nowhere I have my purse. I have my murder weapon. i already know they don't have cameras because in my dad I've already like figured this But there's going to be that one nosy whoever's taking your admission or you know who's this is like what a one room museum. No no no has to have multiple because you have to figure out how to get the murder weapon out of purse into display case.
00:27:52
Speaker
So it has have You're going to it display case. That's my idea. It's kind of, okay, so my idea from this came from there was recently somebody like left their shoe or something in a museum and like some fancy, and then everybody started taking pictures of the shoe in the fucking corner as if it was art. Yeah. Fuck modern art.
00:28:06
Speaker
um And so this is my idea. like people just assume it's part of the display. I mean, now if you had said modern art, that's a great idea because yes, I think if you went to a modern modern art museum, it could be people would also think it's performance art when you're doing it. Like...
00:28:21
Speaker
No, you have to not call attention to yourself. And it can't be one of those that has museum attendants that sit at the corner. Yes, yeah. because It has to be a really like low-key bad museum. The Finnish Museum?
00:28:34
Speaker
i think the Finnish Museum is going to know if you come in with a hammer that's got stains on it. they're Again, we're not keeping our stuff stained. Bleach exists for a reason. Finlanders eat blood.
00:28:45
Speaker
If you come in and they're covered in blood, they're just going to think you came from a potluck. Oh, she's not covered in blood. It's just the murder weapon. You can't leave a knife in a museum and they're going to think this is our knife. You put it in display case with other knives or something like that. You have to do it in a way that makes fucking sense, but you've got to...
00:29:02
Speaker
You steal musket. You steal a musket, use the musket to perpetrate a murder, and then put it back. But has to fit purse. That's interesting. Yeah, it has to fit my purse.
00:29:14
Speaker
I really like how this has become like a brainstorm. collaborative effort group idea. I will say the one problem with fucking with a display case is there's glass, and your fingerprints are going to be on it. Some of them, they have an empty back where there's no glass on the back, and you just got to slip your fingers in the back.
00:29:31
Speaker
You have to find the right museum. There's a lot of scouting involved. But you know what? Murder's very specific. so you know Maybe. I don't know. We're all just giant flags of flesh walking around. It's fine. yeah Okay, I'm number two.
00:29:44
Speaker
And I'm going to do my number two. Not poop-related. Anyway, I've been trying to keep mine to can you dispose of this within an hour? That's kind of oh my fun little. OK, can we do this?
00:29:57
Speaker
So this is, again, murder evidence, not body. And ah donate it. to Donate it to Goodwill. This was my number one. Oh, well, i so it's my number one. So we're adding it together. You can come up with a new one. without I did so well when I did came up with a new one.
00:30:14
Speaker
Yeah. So I'm thinking just put it in a box with a bunch of other things and you can have multiple boxes, multiple Goodwills and, you know, make sure it's junk. Like looks like junk. It looks like somebody would never use it.
00:30:26
Speaker
ah The important part of this is because they don't have cameras or anything. So. You're going to hand your boxes and your bags of, make sure there's a ton of shit, just a ton of shit and hand it to them. And also if you can add in some sand or dust in there. So it's also just unpleasant to sift through, just make it the most unpleasant thing to go through. Add some, add a dirty diaper. Estate stale. Yeah.
00:30:48
Speaker
dirty diaper don't get someone through that well no that i think this is key because you've just murdered somebody i think like we're gonna have to be okay with the fact that somebody you want to make the experience of them looking through this box or bag enough that they're like you know what fuck it and they get rid of it for you it never and if it makes it to a shelf and someone buys it okay yeah that's fine and the great part is is you can check the goodwill and like go in there and be like oh it's still there and you're gonna drop it off at your neighbors Good, good, well,
00:31:19
Speaker
No, but I might do it like 20 minutes away and check on it every once in a while just to see. I do it like when I'm down in Des Moines visiting my parents or something. Like it has to be one where it's not where I go typically. I feel so confident in this method, especially if you make the stuff gross, that- They're gonna throw it. That it is absolutely, you can get away with it and you could do it at your local place.
00:31:42
Speaker
Mine are all bold. Yeah. Mine involve looking someone in the eye- handing them the murder evidence your life and knowing just without a doubt that it's going to be okay oh i have found shirts with blood on them in a goodwill yeah this is that's where my idea came from what the likelihood that one of us has picked up a murder evidence and bought it and it's in our house right now i think it's very high ah got and went to Goodwill once and saw a nice shirt there.
00:32:08
Speaker
It was a flannel with the sleeves rolled up. And I was like, hey, this this looks awesome. And i unrolled I unrolled the sleeve, and it was shredded and bloody, as if some as if a bear had like ripped this person's hand off.
00:32:23
Speaker
So, you know, people it's real. People, throw your fucking trash away. Or they're trying to get rid of their murder evidence. Yeah. Yeah. yeah
00:32:36
Speaker
uh, that's nasty, but apparently sounds like it happens. I think it's one of the more plausible. Yeah. Yeah. What's your, hide what's your number one a two or Number two.
00:32:50
Speaker
Um, my number two is i either go back to school for forensic evidence. Um,
00:33:00
Speaker
Totally under the radar. There actually is somebody, this was just in the news that there was a forensic guy. Yeah. And he was, he was doing bad stuff. I can't remember what he said, but literally he was, like a forensic analyst.
00:33:13
Speaker
And so he knew he was going through school to learn how to do it. Yeah. Or I like go through school.
Long-Term and Occupational Strategies
00:33:19
Speaker
I find somebody who's really smart. I befriend them. i drop out of school. Done. Bye. Nice. Now that's big brain thinking. I marry this man.
00:33:30
Speaker
ah So you go, you go to school to get your um MRS degree. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and then I'm somebody's little wifey. Um, and he comes home cause he's a fucking giant nerd. And then he talks about school all day and I'm like really interested for all the wrong reasons. and you're like wait could you figure that one out yeah we yeah we do better brainstorming than what's happening here yeah we're doing great i'm like more convinced than ever that we could figure this out you know if we ever actually commit murder we can't use any of the 12 ideas we're putting out here today that's why we said at the beginning that we haven't done any of the successful none of these are the ones that we would really do yeah yeah right and uh i learned how to frame him oh yeah i knew this was coming yeah yeah yeah and i'm like he's the one who's gone to forensics yeah he looks guilty yeah oh my god and then i'm just like what i'm this poor woman whose husband's in jail he killed somebody
00:34:35
Speaker
It is usually the man. yeah Especially if you do it in a violent way. Yeah. Like a man would do. Yeah, yeah your poor husband. God. God. did not see that twist coming. make Make sure not to fall in love with him.
00:34:48
Speaker
Did you say you didn't see that twist coming, Jen? No, i I was getting ready to ask her, like, does she stay married to him after the murder is taken care of? Or does she divorce him? And then she turns it into...
00:35:00
Speaker
Yeah, I'm just going to frame him casually. I'm going to ruin this guy's life. Between like making him an accomplice or can trust them No, you can't trust somebody else with your secret. yeah You slip, sink, ships.
00:35:12
Speaker
Sometimes you marry for love. Sometimes you marry for murder. Yeah. Literally. Salt burn in. Mara, if you frame him, yeah do you think that he, because he's trained for this, right? Do you think that he would figure out that you were the one that framed him? Oh, this is good also because like, could he outwit, outsmart, outplay? It'd be a fun game. Outlast.
00:35:35
Speaker
yeah oh okay now we're getting into like mr and mrs smith type situation where you're trying to frame him he's undoing what you're doing he's gonna prove himself psych he wasn't ever going to forensic school he was a lawyer he defends himself you're on the stand as a witness trying to save him because you're still pretending like you're a good wife he tricks you so legally blonde style into admitting in front of everyone that you did love fun You were taking a shower?
00:36:05
Speaker
Hey Mara, I'm just going to say it Your future husband is so fucking smart. Yeah. Thank you. I'm like rooting for him. You know how to pick up I mean a little bit and then like somehow we work through it. Yeah, you work through it. You run away to Mexico. You're like, it's fine. Yeah. Yeah, you do want it you do a yellow jackets where she... Blacklist. Where, yeah, she finds out or he finds out that she's done all these things and he's like, we can get through this together. Yeah. Wow, I'm gonna true love. classic love
00:36:38
Speaker
And then you guys will frame his professor. Yeah. Perfect. Who gave him a C. yeah Nice. Nobody gives me a C. That's another top three professors I would frame because of how they treated me. Oh, got him. Locked him on. Instant. Oh, God. Mr. Yeah. Oh, ah yeah. You know what?
00:36:58
Speaker
I feel like we bring him up. Can we scrub that name? No, we will. Literally, Jen, we've already had to another one. Like we bring him up so much. I fucking hate him.
00:37:10
Speaker
We'll believe him. Such a creep. True. All right. ah Jen, what's your number two? Oh, very similar to Mara. So I love to see it. Okay. Is there a romance in this too?
00:37:24
Speaker
i'm excited. No. I mean, there's always a romance in my life, but it's unrelated to the circumstances at hand. Boo. Okay. Smart. Or not smart. I don't know.
00:37:38
Speaker
ah For my number two, you have to get a part-time job at either... a hazardous like biohazard cleaning company a crematorium or a pet cemetery and yeah now you have access to like the cleaning chemicals that can help you clean the crime scene and the evidence or you have access to the crematorium to burn the body which I have learned is a gruesome process no no don't share Well, then night shout out to that HBO series called The Mortician right now. Only one episode is out currently as we're recording this. This is a sponsor. It's, yeah, my bad. I'll hold it in. Thank you. Yeah, apparently one of my current co-workers has familial relations to a crematorium. And I have learned it is a multi-part grueling process and it takes time.
00:38:34
Speaker
apparently eight to 12 hours to ash a body, as I call it. um So you see i really got to commit to that one if you're going to do it. um Or pet cemetery, same concept as before. You ah bury the body beneath someone's beloved pet. I think that's a better idea because no one's going to go looking for a body there.
00:38:55
Speaker
There's already dirt turned up. There's already like, there's no like dog walking around a pet cemetery to look for a dead body. Yeah, so this is definitely a long haul play. You gotta get a part-time job with one of these. Do pet cemeteries even exist?
00:39:08
Speaker
Yes. Yeah. What question is that? Okay, where's the one in the Twin Cities? I don't know. Never mind. Pets are dead. Have you ever been to one? Have you ever seen one? Do you think that Kara and Mara and Grayson go for lovely midday strolls amongst the dead animals, Marion? If they do, I'll start being suspicious.
00:39:28
Speaker
yeah Yeah, that's fair. There is a cemetery right behind Bandy's vet, and I have not technically checked to see if they're it's a human human bones. It's a human one.
00:39:41
Speaker
All right. Well, that's I think also um you could get a job at, you know, like a nuclear facility or an acid facility, anywhere where you can just, you know, trip and dump some things in that vat.
00:39:54
Speaker
Now the security on the nuclear facility is too tight. What about like an acid facility? It's it's pretty tight. You would have to be a long game situation. This was almost one of mine. But it's it seems like it's too risky.
00:40:06
Speaker
It's a little, it's pretty, because also like by the time you gather enough ah acid to dispose of what you need to, has the acid, like the expiration date, is it even potent enough? Or like, have you just created a chemical bomb situation in your own garden? Well, I don't i don't think Marion is advocating for taking the acid out. I think she's advocating for bringing the body in. and Not the body, the murder evidence, I would say. Yeah, let's just dump it in the acid vats.
00:40:32
Speaker
So you also have to have some chemical understanding, though, if you go in there, because you could end up dumping. You could like throw a hammer in like a vat of some type of acid and go, yes, the acid will now eat the hammer and just sit there and watch it do nothing at the bottom until you need a new panic, reach your hand, and and then your hand burns off because your hand is reacting with it. Well, that's just...
00:40:56
Speaker
No one's going to do that. Silly Goosen. Somebody might do that. Are there giant vats? Okay, sorry. I'm just going back to the part where apparently there's giant vats of acids that are not in like some sort of container. Like we have a giant bathtub. Surely an acid factory. Surely comics and cartoons haven't lied to me. I assume there's big vats of green. That people can trip into all the time. Yeah. Yeah. Bubbling, you know you can hang someone over. I mean, i guess a lot of murders and cartoons happen over that acid.
00:41:23
Speaker
It's just disgusting. That's a hazard all of in itself. i know I'm talking a lot in this episode, but I don't know about ah big vats of acid, but we did learn a few years back that the Hormel... ah Chili?
00:41:36
Speaker
Like, you you know, they make meat food products. Yeah. They do just have big open vats of meat. Yeah. And we know this because ah ah some ah transient fella crawled through the vents of of a Hormel factory, I think down in Iowa, fell through the duct into the vat of... ah Is it hot meat?
00:42:00
Speaker
Well, the so what they're doing is they're like grinding it, so right? So really it's like a big sausage stir. ground into the meat. He got ground into the Hormel ah Little Sizzler breakfast sausage. This was on my short list. Any type of meat grinder was on my short list, but I thought people have thought of that. I thought that's kind of in the garden range of like... that Basic bitch. Murder evidence disposal. Yeah. one One of mine was almost going to be just saying Soylent Green is people.
00:42:30
Speaker
What did you just I understood that. Thank you, Grayson. my god. Soylent green is people. What? all right Y'all need to get up with culture.
00:42:46
Speaker
Soylent is that meal replacement bullshit. I don't understand what you're trying to say. Grayson, translate. so there was There was a movie at one point where There was like a new meat product, a new meat factory in town called Soylent Green.
00:43:06
Speaker
And ah everyone loved it. Oh my gosh, this is so tasty. Best thing I've ever had. And turns out it the the meat, well you can put the pieces together. i don't feel like i have to say it. this a fictional story?
00:43:18
Speaker
No, it's a 1973 sci-fi thriller. Yeah, it's fictional. o Yeah, I said, is it fictional? No, it's sci-fi? No. Amen. Okay, I see.
00:43:31
Speaker
no wonder we didn't understand what were saying. The FI in sci-fi stands for factual, actually. Dude, I think I've seen this book cover before. I'm just going to ignore my ignorance earlier. Yeah, I don't think Jen was off base. I think that's a pretty...
00:43:46
Speaker
yeah relatively well-established cultural. um Thank you, Grayson. We weren't arguing that. No, I was just confused. We didn't understand what was being said.
00:43:58
Speaker
Also, you have a weird obsession with the fact that if people eat other people, they get that mouth thing and you talk about it frequently. So of course, you know, this prions. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a mouth thing. Who has that obsession? Grayson has this, like whenever talk. What you saying?
00:44:12
Speaker
Are you saying I have cannibal blisters around my mouth? No, I'm saying that whenever we talk about cannibalism, which seems to come off a weird amount. It Yeah. Okay, well, in fairness, Lucas read that one book.
00:44:23
Speaker
Savina just has to talk about the Donner party. Shout out to Savina. What book, Jen?
00:44:33
Speaker
but book jen That book like two years ago that traumatized him... right? Cannibal blisters? <unk> It's called prions and basically it's when so humans are not meant to eat other human meat and so they get this like blister thing around their mouth and it's called prions. No. No. Prions that's baby that's not what a prion is. No. God it's so different. We've brought up prions on this like five times. I feel like I've never heard any of the words that I've been saying I'm making a presentation this fucking week about goddamn Yay!
00:45:06
Speaker
I think the idea that you can catch something by eating other humans is just it's not categorically false. It's your body reacting to the human being. i've I've heard the blister thing before.
00:45:18
Speaker
yeah What? it' So can you tell me? Prions are misfolded proteins that continue to... that continued to um ah duplicate in your body And it's a it's a de jet it's a degenerative thing where you will basically collapse in on yourself and you will die. There's no cure for prions. It's not some disease. And you get this by eating humans? Specifically if you eat parts of their nervous system ah is is like the highest disease.
00:45:48
Speaker
Mad cow disease, that's caused by prions. Okay, yeah I'm looking this up. Apparently you would have eat the human brain. yeah So as long as you're not eating the human brain, you're fine.
00:45:59
Speaker
He said neurological. it even Sorry, can we clarify for the listeners? um You're not fine as long as you're eating everything but the human brain. You are still eating a human. Okay.
00:46:12
Speaker
There's something categorically wrong with you. Oh, interesting. Women and children usually eat the brain. so What? more yeah They're more likely. Because men are fucked up.
00:46:23
Speaker
Wait, men want uterus? I think it has more nutrition. what you just said? no No, I said men want the uterus. ah oh Oh, my god I don't know. Apparently, this. Where's the synergy with your list? Top of New Guinea.
00:46:39
Speaker
Yeah. It's where they've been looking at this. Not to traumatize people further, but just to go back to the crematorium discussion. Yeah. there yeah yeah How did we get here? I have no idea.
00:46:54
Speaker
How did we get to eating? At one point, the words meat grinder were said. And I just feel compelled to tell everyone that at one stage in the crematorium process, there is... a stage very akin to a meat grinder.
00:47:08
Speaker
Just ruminate in that for a minute because I had to. Ruminate while we go to our sponsors. Hell yeah.
00:47:20
Speaker
So my ah proposal is that instead of doing doo-doo-doos, when the... Wait, where were the sponsors? they're They're happening. They're happening. We're in it right now. But I'm just saying, just do a little dance, a little silent dance, and you'll get that same energy out. I don't want to be told how to enjoy my intro. I said proposal.
00:47:39
Speaker
i didn't say command. So back off. That's a command. but Anyway, our number three sponsor is... The new HBO series called The Mortician, it um so far there's only one episode out as of the 7th of June 2025. Yeah, this airs, it'll be done.
00:47:59
Speaker
I don't know how many episodes are coming out, but it's about the Lamb creator the the lamb Funeral Home in Pasadena, California and the like malpractices that happened in the 70s and 80s and like Lamb was a really old... like It was made in it's like hundreds of years old before this crematorian like, um, scandal, that's the word I wanted happened.
00:48:25
Speaker
um So that's, I mean, they haven't gotten to the murder part of it, but I really think that's an episode too. And I'm like, I can't wait. I'm excited. It's good.
00:48:38
Speaker
I used to want to be a mortician. Yeah. I remember those days. You would have been good at that. I think so, dude. There's still time. Yeah. i know Go back to school. Go back to school. Learn about forensic evidence. Meet a nice forensic scientist. You know, those are adjacent. actually think, I was thinking about this. You can't go into forensic science when you go to school because you need to have like, they'll be like, oh, you went to school for this. This is why you did it. Blah, blah, blah. So if you do an adjacent field and you meet somebody in forensic science, you go the same lab. That's what she was saying. I said I would go back to school for forensics. But I think you go back to be a mortician and you just marry somebody in the.
00:49:14
Speaker
Yeah, keep it in the family. Yeah, exactly. if they were at a family reunion, they'd both be invited because they're related. Now, our second sponsor would be Dexter. I've never watched it, but I assume he does creative things. Oh, yeah.
00:49:28
Speaker
It's good shit. Okay. Yeah. I'll have to look into it. yeah Can number one be How to Get Away with Murder? Yeah, but they're not very good at it. Oh, I know. I've only seen like two episodes. If you watch the first season, it's not, they're not good at doing it. Okay.
00:49:42
Speaker
But i thought about it, but then I thought, okay, well, it's number one. No, I thought number one sponsor was USPS because we love them so All right. Yeah. Shout out to USPS. I think I can rely on you for one thing and that's losing my murder evidence.
00:49:58
Speaker
All right. Yeah. Checks out.
00:50:09
Speaker
Doesn't that hit? Didn't that hit? i think I think the dancing hit. Jen, we danced. Yeah. Oh, cute. I'm so glad that I was included in that. Well, I mean, I gave you the proposal.
00:50:21
Speaker
So let's go with our number one. So you're not going to have a number one? My number one is the Goodwill. Yeah. Well, Skipper, time. No. Well, time. It's good. Yeah. I mean, she doesn't have to. She already talked about it. Yep.
00:50:33
Speaker
right. Uh, my number one is, i feel like this might be other people's number ones. Probably not. Um, not mine. Uh, mine is get really into teacup pigs. That's first. You start talking about teacup pigs to people. I like where this is going. and then you're like oh i'm gonna get three teacup pigs kind of do like uh uh melissa mccarthy from the bridesmaids yes she gets six puppies no she gets nine puppies turns out seven would have been better mine's too much she says eight you get nine teacup pigs i'll bet you on that no no i think that she she's like oh i think i should have done eight no it's seven you think it's okay
00:51:17
Speaker
You know, I believe you. You get nine teacup pigs. You feed them like a really special treat all the time. you It's like Marian's magical mix, kind of like Mike's magical stuff from Space Jam. You're going to have to watch all these movies. So that way you start getting the references. That's step number one.
00:51:34
Speaker
Then you you have your nine teacup pigs. Everyone knows this. And then you're like, wow, seven would have been better. You let everyone know that. Because also you realize there's no such thing as a teacup pig. now you've just got nine full-sized pigs. And you're like, there's no way I could possibly support these.
00:51:50
Speaker
You donate them to a farmer, but you have a contract with a farmer that says that every Sunday you get to visit the pigs. And you get to feed them your special Marian's magical stuff.
00:52:01
Speaker
Now you commit your murder. And then you put the body into the magical stuff. You freeze it in a freezer. And then every time you go to the pigs, you give them the magical stuff. So they're used to eating stuff like that. They're loving it. They're pooping out the body.
00:52:20
Speaker
You don't even have to give them stuff. This is my number one, more or less. um yeah you don't have to give them special. They'll just eat anything. Well, I think that, yes. But I think the thing is that you have to have well-known, established thing ah that your pigs, like your little mixture that you do, it's a fun treat you have for them.
00:52:41
Speaker
They've been raised on it. yeah And that's your special bond with your pigs. So it's not weird because I was thinking about this as like, Can't just show up to somebody's fucking pigs and be like, hey, let me feed your pigs this one time.
00:52:52
Speaker
You can't go sneak onto a farm and feed the pigs. And i don't really want nine pigs or have to deal with that just so I can successfully get away with one murder. So this way, you only have the pigs for a short time. Everybody knows that you like to feed them a special thing.
00:53:08
Speaker
And it doesn't have to be special. yeah It's just your bonding thing. And then you find a benevolent farmer who lets visitations happen. And that's when you feed. You're also assuming that this farmer is not raising this food for meat, that they're going to keep these pigs around for at least long enough for you to. Yeah. Pigs get to market weight pretty fast. Yeah. ah Yeah. I mean, i don't think that if I had pets and I wanted visitations that I would pick a farmer who wasn't going to do like, right. I'm already trying to get a benevolent farmer who would. Takes pity on you and keeps your nine pigs. Has a contract.
00:53:41
Speaker
No. you pay him? Sure. If that makes you feel better and less fiction. Well, because otherwise it has to be like a rescue facility because people could be a rescue. Fine, fine. Rescue facility. It's a place where I get to dump my pigs and then I give them food. And also I could dump the pigs like three months before the murder. Yeah. know And then and then do it. Yeah.
00:54:05
Speaker
Yeah. What was yours? My slight differences for that ah same scenario are like, I, like, I just know.
Using Animals and Fictional Inspirations
00:54:15
Speaker
i you don't you know, I could find a pig farmer that would just let me feed. Just like come in. And when the police come around and they're like, hey, so we found human remains in your pig poop and then the farmer says huh that's odd you know what mara did come around she's never fed my pigs before she suddenly had a truck said don't worry about it well my knowledge about pigs might be slightly more than yours pigs digest everything except for teeth okay so the teeth come out my yeah the teeth come out and i'm getting rid of them at the mall of america
00:54:46
Speaker
I'm scattering them. Oh, I love that. In various trash. Disgusting. That's brilliant. Put them under your pillow. um Let the tooth fairy handle that. Daddy tooth fairy.
00:54:56
Speaker
And then I'm assuming I was too afraid to Google this, but I'm assuming because they can't digest um teeth, they also probably can't digest bone and bones a little bit more difficult to get rid of because the dust can be dangerous.
00:55:10
Speaker
I assumed that you were going to dump the, like, you know enough about pig farmers that in the middle of the night, you would, like, dispose the body. with So then nobody had a link to you.
00:55:21
Speaker
Yeah. Like, you go to visit somebody. Yes. You have your trunk full of the dead body. and Yeah. And then you're like, oh, you know, I can't sleep. I'm going to get an ice cream. Well, pigs don't.
00:55:34
Speaker
Pigs don't sleep ah near the feeding trough, though. Like, the body will still be there when the farmer That's really good point. Also... um Maybe you don't put it in the feeding trough.
00:55:46
Speaker
Being in the ag field now and knowing how many... and Tell our listeners what part of the ag field you're in, please. No, no, no. this is It's totally legitimate. Just like when I claim my college um scene scenic construction, yeah counts as real construction.
00:56:07
Speaker
um Being in the ag field now and knowing how many um like livestock-borne diseases there are, yeah The biosecurity on pig farming and poultry farming and cattle farming is insane. Like a lot of farmers have their ah their livestock on lockdown to try and keep the biohazard.
00:56:37
Speaker
This is correct, but it i wouldn't i couldn't be going to a hog confinement and dropping the body off. It would it would be a very small, it would be like a hobby farm operation. It wouldn't be okay yeah like what my grandpa has. Because the security there, Jen, you're so correct, is like insane. Like he couldn't even let us inside to go look at it.
00:56:57
Speaker
This is why you have to find a benevolent farmer who agrees to visitations and it's not suspicious when you show up every Sunday and you feed your pigs a little bit yeah and then you leave because nobody's, yeah, you have to find a farmer who's cool with it. That's number one.
00:57:13
Speaker
You also have to make sure that you remove and just properly dispose of medical implants or breast implants. Oh my God. The medical implants, such a good point. Yeah. The serial numbers can be tracked back.
00:57:26
Speaker
Yeah. And it was implanted in. Goodwill. So that's that's when you give that shit to Goodwill. um There's a movie with like the rock. Yeah. And a couple, i think Marky Mark, I want to say, where um they like talk about the first murder that was ever solved with using breast implants. Oh, nice. Because they like didn't dissolve in the vat of acid that they put it in. Hi.
00:57:50
Speaker
the yeah holy shit yeah those some good boobies yeah uh yeah i think if you if you take the teeth to goodwill that's perfect because they are gonna be like oh somebody collected you know someone their kids teeth and they're gonna throw it away for you yeah done bing bing boom uh one time i was at the um art world and this guy gave me my change back and a tooth and Yes. yeah Well, it wasn't a real tooth. We've had this on the podcast. Pretty sure it's a real tooth.
00:58:22
Speaker
No, it was a promotion. What was it a promotion for? I don't know. i was little lit. And I said, a tooth with my change? Okay. I can't remember what podcast episode this is, but we talked about this in length.
00:58:38
Speaker
Yeah, about the tooth. So you could get away with it that way, too. ah Yeah, make it an art thing. Or this could be in my long game where oh my god you might I have a hobby farm. If that is a real tooth, you might have part of murder evidence. I know, I'm just thinking that.
00:58:53
Speaker
Only Mara would so casually accept a tooth from a stranger. oh so we can get an update where we find out this is a real tooth? it it Like, how do I prove it's a real tooth? You kept it, right? So you can just give it It's somewhere.
00:59:08
Speaker
I have an idea for Amara for number one. I think that you could feasibly figure out a way to use body parts in paint or some sort of art thing, sculpture, whatever. And I feel like nobody would ever. yeah like you put it like you make so You start making sculptures and then in the middle the sculpture you put a tooth or a femur or whatever. Oh, my God. And then what I can't.
00:59:29
Speaker
put in there i just bring acid home to i just slowly bring acid home you would be a serial killer they would have a cool name like the pottery serial killer like the the modern artist i'm trying to think of a play on words but assuming she gets caught no you got to go alliteration she would be the serial sculptor oh wow that was low-hanging fruit marion Damn it.
00:59:53
Speaker
Yeah, the serial sculptor. You would be all over the newspapers for that one. Yeah, I mean, I don't think you could do a femur. I think people are going to get suspicious if you do any type human No, no, It's not that you can see it. It's like in the middle so that you can't see it.
01:00:04
Speaker
but No one knows. hiding it. In the middle of what? Like a sculpture. Of the Or clay or like I've grinded, I've grounded bit and now it's into the paint. Yeah. I mean the grinding. Yes. But I was imagining her saying, put it like, like you could place a tooth. So so say, say that you're making like a sculpture of, i don't know, like a sunflower or something. The femur would be the stock and you would put clay around it, for example. And then you would have a sunflower at the top and you'd like donate it to some school. Yeah. Who needs Menards with hollow plastic tubes?
01:00:36
Speaker
Yeah. There you go Yeah. Anyway. All right. Jen, what's your number one? Wow. Kara just elevated the competition there. i just want to know if we were still giving points, because obviously I'm a part of this from the beginning too, clearly. Yes.
01:00:52
Speaker
I feel like Kara would have gotten five points for that because that was fucking brilliant. Five No one's out here giving anybody five points. Negative one for you. I'm an OG and I would give her five points. God. Wow. You don't understand the points system. Sack religion. That was at most one point.
01:01:08
Speaker
miss that probably point five because she didn't think of it ahead of time correct and she yeah and she already had probably a little negative because her number one was somebody else's yeah number two yeah no no no we never took points away for that we But you would have taken points away from me for my original number three, which is no longer my number three. oh yeah that That would have been like a negative two.
01:01:34
Speaker
Negative two, probably. it was bad enough it would have been a negative a negative one right now. Hell yeah. Anyway, Jen... You guys are seriously undervaluing the paint sculpture idea. And it is mind boggling to me. That's my number one. Thank you. That is so brilliant. No one else in this room could have come up with this.
01:01:51
Speaker
I just think that that's easier said than done. Totally. it's not a yeah It's not easy. And also like sometimes people verify your materials when you're doing these things. I don't know.
01:02:03
Speaker
i don't think and you know sometimes they you know if you get big enough i'll agree becoming a world-renowned artist here's what i'll say she's flying under the radar become the fucking serial sculptor listen here's how i see this playing out you make a bunch of sculptures One day they either, if you're donating them to a place or whatever, somebody's going to eventually get a hold of them after you're dead.
01:02:25
Speaker
And just like all the arts where they like do infrared and they do the thing to see the painting underneath the painting, somebody's going to look inside of your art and they're going to find it and they're going to realize that you were a psychopath. Yeah, I'm fucking dead.
01:02:37
Speaker
don't care. I'm dead. Also, so who's verifying my art? It wasn't made before nuclear bombs. it's I'm not trying to make a Rembrandt look alike. I'm picturing, I'm picturing like you're this. Let's just be clear here for a moment.
01:02:49
Speaker
Kara is not talented enough as an artist to get big.
01:02:54
Speaker
Kara was so excited. I no longer want Jen on my side. Kara was like, oh yeah. Somebody's gonna finally argue you with me.
01:03:05
Speaker
For the record. These are two separate goals. Making money versus evidence. hiding evidence. And she is just hiding evidence. You know, when you're like driving on a road trip and you see that weird just like parking lot next to a grass field and there's some really fucking weird sculptures. That's what I'm picturing. It's just like you're like, hey, I've been making some stuff. I need to clear some space. Can I give you this giant sunflower? And they're like, fuck, yeah. Well, yeah, but when they dispose of it, I think it'll come out.
01:03:29
Speaker
Why are they disposing of my art? Well, they're not going to keep your art there always. They rotate things. And if it's not good and it's just like some crap. That's why Mara is included. You know, it could make a good sunflower.
01:03:42
Speaker
It's pretty basic. I think I can it. Remember that time I showed you a painting that I did of a sunflower and you, your first question to me was, were you looking at a sunflower when you drew that?
01:03:53
Speaker
And I said, yes. It's bad.
01:04:00
Speaker
Jen, give me your number one, please. All right. i feel like this does not meet the bar after everything. but But I decided that um in plain sight but was where my thought my train of thought started, um you know? So you said Goodwill as well.
01:04:20
Speaker
Right. but No, no. Then my brain took me down the Agatha Christie um standpoint. And even though I have some ethical qualms with Agatha Christie's view on people, um i was like, the best way to do this is to just gaslight the hell out of authorities and go with.
01:04:41
Speaker
the plot of and then there were none where 10 people died they were the only 10 people that could possibly have been on this island and there's no way that the police can figure out who did it because all of them are clearly murders or have been tampered with after death and so police cannot figure out for the life of them who the murderer was now it does mean that you as a murderer also die you are one of the 10 people disappear No, you die. spoil Spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't read and then there were none.
01:05:16
Speaker
You die. um But yeah, just gaslight the hell out of the police and they'll never know. Wait, trying to understand this. you're on an island?
01:05:27
Speaker
With ten people. And you kill them all. Okay, so the movie... the Yes. You've seen the movie The Glass Onion? yeah yeah Okay so that's the concept Glass Onion is loosely based off of And Then There Were None I'm surprised no one else has read this It's a classic I can't make it through one of her books Yeah, the anti-Semitism and racism is just like so severe. It's kind of boring.
01:05:54
Speaker
She's like, I'm good with the other stuff. I'm not good with the other stuff. I don't mind that so but and Who let this lady have a pen and paper? my God. let Get back to the days where women weren't allowed to write. Amen. Amen.
01:06:11
Speaker
yeah ah so the concept spoiler alert for anyone who's gonna read it wait i don't want i don't want to i don't want this in the name no you the other no go ahead if you don't go ahead just take your earmuffs off oh oh yeah ear moms the The murderer invites everyone to this... ah just started, bitch.
01:06:35
Speaker
Invites everyone to this private island and plans out their deaths very methodically. Okay. And when the police finally come to investigate... Everyone is dead and they are very sure that there was no one else on this island for circumstances that Marion will find out when she reads it. interesting um And so that's just the entire plan is to just kill everyone, including yourself. Sorry. So literally what you're suggesting is murder-suicide. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. around hundred percent 100%.
01:07:05
Speaker
Yeah. And back. i age Okay. Gaslight the cop. So literally. the plan won't they be able to tell that you were the last one to die no no based off and you'll find out why when you read the book okay cool huh um this isn't making the top three no i'll say that much i don't want to have to die to dispose of the exactly the whole point is that you get to live yeah you're getting away with murder You don't murder yourself in the process. ah It's imperfect for sure. um Interesting that it was number one, but okay. I've never had to plan a
Black Market and Complicated Logistics
01:07:40
Speaker
murder before. Okay. So I turned to one of the greats. Any honorable mentions? I had construction site.
01:07:48
Speaker
Spread it out half in the Pacific, half in the Atlantic. yeah Lava, if you had access. yeah Lava would be good. yeah so well be good on eBay. ebay she's yes yeah just through silence just you you i thought it was too close to goodwill and usbs so i left it but uh yeah oh sorry i was thinking of the body oh no not the body yeah oh
01:08:15
Speaker
Girl, you have to get so caught. You do have an interesting point here. Could you sell a body eBay? There was a black market tattoo skin selling um that was involved. There was this guy in Minnesota, and the only reason he got caught is because he was bragging about it too much, but there were like professors involved, and they were selling like tattoos from dead people's skin and like skulls and things, and it was like a whole U.S.
01:08:44
Speaker
um you could body lighting yes I wonder if you could make like human skin leather and then sell it as like a purse or something. Oh my God. Grayson said, like that was obvious. Just going to put that out there. I said, and those things exist.
01:09:00
Speaker
ah and here Another honorable mention that I had, which was really close to USPS was you mail... You like FedEx stuff to another country, but you list a bunch of things so it gets stux stuck in customs for basically the rest of its life. You refuse to pay the tariffs.
01:09:18
Speaker
How many times has the mailing system hurt you? You lost the package recently. Not recently, but in my 20s and especially when I was abroad, yeah i had a lot of issues and I was like, okay. Fuck this. I will say the only time I've ever had any package issues with USPS is was when I tried to send something to Kara in Uganda. Yeah, it's you it has to be international. That is key. I
Top Ideas and Effectiveness Debate
01:09:45
Speaker
forgot to mention that part. Well, the package came right back to me. So like, well, yeah, you don't do a return. God, come on.
01:09:52
Speaker
Fucking Jesus. All right, let's do, let's get our, unless you have honorable mentions. ah No. Barely made three. I'm over here with like 10 ideas. Yeah, I struggled real hard.
01:10:05
Speaker
Some of the construction's obvious. Yeah, that's why it was my honorable mention. Yeah, yeah, that's what i'm saying. Oh, so yeah you went with garden bed. but it was this morning? Corvid. I went with Corvid.
01:10:17
Speaker
Okay. Okay. I'm breaking apart a hammer somehow. What's our, uh, our top threes? Bigger hammer. I do think, I do think Corvid would be in there. I think Corvid is in there too, and I'm so annoyed. Yeah, I'm angry about it.
01:10:32
Speaker
God. I don't think any of mine. Wait, can we all? Sorry. Mine's Corvid. No, forensic scientist. Thanks. Yeah. No, I think that's... I love the long plot. I'm here for the... Forensic scientist husband. Frame him, but you guys fall back in love.
01:10:47
Speaker
i guess you weren't in love at the beginning, but you you are by the end. He was a mark. Frame a... Yep. you You got high on your own supply. yeah. Yeah. So that, Corvid's, and then like another one.
01:10:58
Speaker
The...
01:11:02
Speaker
For me, it's ah it's a toss up between the the painting and the goodwill. The goodwill. There it is. The goodwill. I really liked the goodwill because like the mailing service, I just feel like there's a lot of like various ways to slightly get caught, but they do lose shit all the fucking time. You have to really believe in incompetency, but I think the doing it at Christmas. Brilliant. Oh, yeah.
01:11:25
Speaker
So I'm going to I agree with you, Jen. Goodwill. Yeah. Sorry. None of yours. Yeah. Sorry, Jen. Made the list. to what mine did. We're not counting your goodwill.
01:11:38
Speaker
Whoa. It was my number one until... I bet you didn't have as many good reasons as I did. Well, we'll never know. Nope. Because you put it as number two. Yeah. I wouldn't have thought of like...
01:11:50
Speaker
diaper dust that yeah you would have just given them stuff and maybe i was gonna cover it and try to make it grow but i wouldn't have thought of like the extreme human shit yeah human shit wasn't on my list of things to add yeah baby human shit come on guys no just who who do i know where am i getting infant human shit literally anybody's diaper or anybody you could just walk down my alley and then you'd find a diaper yeah oh
01:12:17
Speaker
All right. Well, thank you for listening. This has been my top everything. go ahead and hit us up with your best murder disposing. yeah Evidence, whatever. Women only. Yeah.
Closing Remarks and Listener Engagement
01:12:29
Speaker
Women only offering suggestions. Right. i don't want to hear from you men about this, this subject.
01:12:35
Speaker
No. I will also take non-binary. Sure. Yes. Yes. And, uh, yeah. No cis hetto mans up in my DMs about this goddamn bullshit. Yeah. But everything else you want to talk to tomorrow about your free game. Oh yeah. Yeah.
01:12:49
Speaker
ah You know, Marion's vagina. I'm here for you. You're here to support my vagina or you're here for the men who want to talk about my vagina. Yes. Yes.
01:13:02
Speaker
My top everything podcast at gmail.com. Exa. No, not excess blue skies. I don't know why i said X. I've never been on there. Blue sky. Reddit, Instagram, all the places. All right. Yeah. USPS mail. Get a PO o box one day. Tell us what your top three of our list is.
01:13:23
Speaker
Or don't. See you later. Love you. Love you. Bye. Bye. I don't want them to send us ideas because then they're just taking up our future. You know, like, I don't need to be sun crying because somebody gave us an idea.