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24: Top 3 Animals I'd Like to be Turned Into
29 Plays11 months ago
It's time for a topic that is discussed at 4th grade lunch tables across America: what animal would you want to be turn into? Mara discovers she wants to be kept. Marian goes for the land, air, and water trifecta. Cara gets freaky with butt juice and polygamy. Join us as we argue over which animal would give us the best life.
Follow us @MyTopEverything on Insta for updates! Email us at mytopeverythingpodcast@gmail.com with topic suggestions, comments, or questions.
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Transcript
00:00:01
Speaker
Okay.
Kara's Ambitious Animal Choices
00:00:02
Speaker
So Kara, you're kind of talking a big game about how you're going to win this one and you're really proud of your list. And well, I'm so thankful that you think that. Thank you. I said, I said, you were talking a big game. Oh, well, there's no recording of that. So you were just complimenting me on my list. No, I think there was. I waited. Yeah.
00:00:29
Speaker
Oh my god, absolutely. If anything negative half point to you. I'll record it in post if I have to to make sure it all sounds kosher. I am very, I like the animals that I have chosen and I am excited about all the facts I'm about to tell you about them. I feel like I did some good prep.
00:00:50
Speaker
I feel like... How do you feel? Well, thanks for asking. I feel... I feel like if you guys don't have my animals on your list, you're sleeping at the wheel. You know what I'm saying? There are hundreds of thousands of animals. I just believe... That is a broad... I feel like you have basic ass bitch answers then, if that's the case. You're gonna be like, bird, you know?
00:01:17
Speaker
No, she's going to say a specific bird. How many of the thousands of birds? What if I didn't choose Eagle, but I chose Hawk and now you're going to say that I'm? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I think there's two out of three of these that like I'd be shocked if one of you didn't also have these on here. That'd be crazy. It's probably me. That doesn't have it. That has it. Oh, that has it.
00:01:44
Speaker
Why are you saying this category is hard? You were saying something like that before we started recording, Kara. This category is tough. Oh, I think it's hard to argue against, but you're already talking some big games. Oh, I've thought of a couple of things.
00:02:02
Speaker
what constitutes a good animal pick versus a bad one. So this will be fun. You know me. I'll always find a way. Don't be worried. So before we start, what are you thinking on that? Oh, you want me to tell you beforehand? Like, you don't want to just be you're going to form a counter argument. But you'll give me time to think about it. Exactly. OK, I would like. OK, here's the arbitrary criteria. Oh, we should introduce the podcast first, though. OK.
00:02:46
Speaker
Hello and welcome to our podcast. This is my top everything.
Introduction to 'My Top Everything'
00:02:51
Speaker
We're three childhood best friends who argue about anything and everything. Today we are discussing our top three animals we'd like to be turned into. Yeah, here's what I'll say about the criteria for this one that I was thinking
00:02:58
Speaker
Do do do do do
Criteria for Animal Selection
00:03:07
Speaker
of. Are you staying the same gender in this form? Because female male animals don't always have the same experience.
00:03:16
Speaker
Um, it, do you have a long life span? Do you have a hard life? You know, things like that. And I'm thinking like, what would be a good animal genuinely to be? I feel like Mara just turned to her list.
00:03:34
Speaker
I'm stressed. It'll be fine. You do not change your answers. How dare you? I'm not. It looks like it's on paper. Show us your little paper at the end. I am trusting you right now. I'll send Grace in a screenshot. Yeah, you do that because you looked down at your list and you were like, hmm, I got to change some things right away. The worry on Mara's face. I love that there's a recording of that.
00:04:01
Speaker
Anyway, so that's what I would say, Kara. You know, there's lots of criteria I can think of, of like, would this be a good quality of life or have you picked something dumb? Anyway. You know,
The Stories Behind Their Names
00:04:19
Speaker
usually Grayson has his like video off, but I got to see his reaction to that. So, Grayson got it.
00:04:28
Speaker
Do a couple of updates. So we recently recorded top worst baby boy names, and we were talking about what our parents would name us. Kara Mara, did your parents have alternate boy names for you? No, my parents apparently very early found out that I was a girl, and so they never went through the process.
00:04:54
Speaker
of figuring out what my boy name would be. But my alternative girl name in case I wasn't in the previous podcast was Catherine. Oh, I feel like it gives off the same vibe for you. I could see you as a Catherine. Yeah. Yeah. They're both like Irish. Yeah. Strong. Do you think you would have been called Kate or Katie? Because I don't like either of those, but that's just me.
00:05:17
Speaker
I don't know. I think I would have gone through phases. I really like that people can have nicknames. So I think I, you know, at some point I would have been a cat, some point of Kathy, some point of Katie. Kathy is wild.
00:05:30
Speaker
I think I would change it with my mood though. Different groups would be calling me different things. I'm really jealous of people that happen to me. You would have been Catherine Donovan. Yes, I would have been. You got to be taken seriously as a woman in the little corporate girly world. Yeah, it can't be called Catherine. Did they say why you picked? Also, who did you ask? Did you ask your mom or your dad or both about this?
00:05:52
Speaker
I asked my mom. And and did your mom say why she ended up choosing Cara over Catherine? I don't know the answer to that. I think that when I asked her a long time ago, she said that Catherine was more generic and she wanted a more unique, very clearly Irish name. Yeah. OK. Mara, they also knew I was going to be a girl before they started picking out names and
00:06:20
Speaker
My mom liked Kieran, which I thought was a boy name. I also thought that. Marissa and Kirsten. But my dad didn't like any of those and my mom was convinced that he wouldn't be able to spell them.
00:06:37
Speaker
When she said that she was like no friends were on believe but Apparently my mom's best friend was there when they were picking out My name and she is the one that actually suggested Mara and they all liked it. So that's cute. Thanks Cheryl that is a
00:06:59
Speaker
wild that you almost were named Kirsten when that was on your top three worst baby girl names. Yeah, it is the K-Y-R-S-T-E-N version of Kirsten. Not even an I-N. I can't. Do you think I-N is superior? I think I instead of Y, right?
00:07:21
Speaker
K-Y-R-S-T-I-N. I'm not convinced you would have been able to spell your name either. You and your dad would have both. There's a lot of ways to spell it. There's a lot of vowels mixed around. This is like a wordle nightmare. I'd have been tortured with that as a child. You know, I would have had to learn. Yeah. I've learned how to spell some other weird words. Like what?
00:07:46
Speaker
I don't know. Don't don't ask me that. You offer it up so easily. We already did this and it turned out that she, in fact, did not know how to spell them. So we did this verbally out loud. I refuse to do that. Oh, also, Kara, I wanted to give you a retroactive point in the baby boy names episode when I was.
Recalling the Baby Names Episode
00:08:11
Speaker
listening through it and editing it, I was like, you remembered both my nicknames from childhood and you remembered my parents' middle names.
00:08:22
Speaker
I think that means you won that episode, technically. Hey, can I apply it to this, though? Because we're recording this now. Oh, also two other things. So we were talking very briefly that Jay-Z and Beyonce named their kid Sir. And we were like, how did that happen? And I made a joke that
00:08:42
Speaker
Beyonce must have been like still in the throes of labor when Jay Z suggested
The Unusual Naming of Jay-Z's Child
00:08:47
Speaker
it. And that's actually very close to what happened, which is that they hadn't like thought really of a name for him, I think, or they had kind of like some options. And then when he came out, they were like, oh, the way he holds himself, it's like, sir, Jay Z said this is an interview. So they named him that just because his like vibe when he came out, the vajayjay was
00:09:12
Speaker
giving. That's crazy. What would a baby have to do to give off that vibe? Like really? How many vibes does a baby give off? I guess his face was like, that's what I'm imagining. Maybe he didn't cry. Yeah. Yeah. He was just like, all right, I'm here. He's like, do my bidding. Wipe my butt. Maybe Amanda would be able to confirm or deny whether she's ever birthed a baby.
00:09:34
Speaker
like didn't cry initially. I just imagine he was calm, cool, and collected. That's what I imagined. I would love to have a Amanda on the podcast and ask her what are the baby, list the baby vibes of newborns. We have Amanda and Nico on the podcast. Yeah, at the same time, we just have them argue over
00:09:54
Speaker
medical stuff. Are we ready to go? Who would like to go first? I am. I never go first. I'm going. Okay. Get this over with. That's the spirit.
00:10:08
Speaker
My number three animal I would like to be turned into is Taylor Swift's cat. I feel like I would have the best life.
Desiring a Celebrity Pet's Life
00:10:19
Speaker
This is not the road I saw this going down, but I already love it. Which one?
00:10:26
Speaker
Oh, I didn't realize she had more than one. The one that she cat scarfed with on that magazine. Gotcha. Gotcha. I don't know. I feel like either one. I'd take either either one with that. Can you give us some examples? Sorry, examples of what their life looks like or what gives you the impression that it's off the chain?
00:10:50
Speaker
mostly going for, I feel like it would be nice to be the cat of a rich white lady. I just, you know, I'd have weird bejeweled plates to eat out of. I'd be on that. I don't know if you guys ever see those like cat videos where they're like, this is what I feed my cat for dinner. And it's like 12 different fucking supplements. And then like, it's like sardines. Yeah. Yeah.
00:11:19
Speaker
That's that will be my life. I feel like if you're Taylor Swift's cat, too, sometimes she'll like die parts if you have a white cat, like they'll die parts of the you know, so you'd get like a hair. You get your purple hair sometimes, you know, and I would probably get diamonds like in my hair. Like she'd probably like blue diamonds into my hair somehow. I think that would be and they'd be real. Maybe a couple of movies.
00:11:42
Speaker
Your first real diamonds. Yeah. But the. The cat that was on the time cover magazine. Do you? I'm trying to decide if I should try and make you guys guess the name of this cat. It's a movie character that Brad Pitt has played. I'm out. You don't know Brad Pitt or. He does action has been. Yeah. Like Mission Impossible types.
00:12:12
Speaker
But that's Tom Cruise. Oh, my God. You don't know Brad Pitt? I thought you were talking about the cat. Yeah, he's been in. Nothing I can think of at the moment. You know, I have a different clue that's not person oriented, like the movie, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Oh, I know who Brad Pitt is. OK.
00:12:37
Speaker
Should I just tell you? Yes. The cat's name is Benjamin Button. So I've never seen that. Right. But do you know what it's about? I bet you could just summarize it. Yes. It's where it's that's Big Fish, right? That movie? No, it's called The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
00:12:57
Speaker
It's the guy that gets younger, not older. Yeah, see, everyone knows everyone knows the plot, even though nobody's ever seen it. I've never seen it, you know, anything about it, except that it's about. Yeah, he starts out. He's born an old man. But yeah, so she named the big fish also like that. I know a big fish is one of my favorite movies. I don't think Brad Pitt is in big fish. I don't think so. That's Ewan McGregor.
00:13:28
Speaker
Right? Yeah, it is. I know he's not in that. I just like he's born, like not able to do anything. And then he gets younger as he's getting older. Got me. Benjamin, she met Benjamin Button on the set of her music video, Me with Brandon Urie. And after they finished shooting, she asked the handler, can I keep this cat? I'm like in love with this cat. What? Yeah.
00:13:53
Speaker
Because somebody else owned the cat. And then Taylor Swift said, my cat, no, I got rescued by Taylor Swift, rescued from somebody that obviously took very good care of you. Well, I mean, I mean, she know she like loves rag dolls. So they decided to have like a scene in the music video where Brandon Urie is handing her a rag doll kitten as a gift.
00:14:15
Speaker
But then the cat was like so awesome that she was like, can I buy this cat from you? And the handler was of course like, yes, I want to have on my resume that like I supply Taylor Swift with ragdoll kittens. Because like the handler like, you know, a Hollywood animal handler, it's not
00:14:34
Speaker
always personal with the cats. It's like, yeah, I raised cats to be in movies and things. So that's why that's probably why she picked him for the time, New York magazine, because he's so accustomed to all the cameras and things. Cute. Do you know that rag dolls can go for like two to three thousand dollars for one cat? No.
00:14:58
Speaker
Yeah. Wow. Yeah. What? Yeah. Expenses. I have an unnamed friend that has a rag dog cat. That's how I know this. Didn't realize they were up there with the bangles. Which ones are the bangles? Is that like the? They look like baby cheetahs, like they're spotting. Oh yeah.
00:15:17
Speaker
This is a good pick. Well, this is a good first. Yeah, I think I think that, you know, I mean, Benjamin Button is almost six years old. So you've only got about, you know, I mean, it's Taylor Swift. So I assume she'll be doing amazing health care for these cats. What's the average lifespan of a rag doll of an inbred rag doll cat?
00:15:44
Speaker
Oh yeah, you're probably going to have some weird health issues though. We haven't talked about that because you're definitely super inbred. So, um, 12 to 15 years. So you got about half of the time left. So that'll be, but you'll be living it up. Well, yeah, honestly, I have my own little playhouse. I have like multiple beds. I'm well groomed. I have all my nails.
00:16:13
Speaker
I personally have all my nails right now just to clarify. You don't have any say in where you go or what you do though. No. Yeah. But I don't feel like most animals do. Wild animals do. Let's go to number, let's go to my number one. I didn't choose number three.
00:16:38
Speaker
My number three, thank you. I didn't choose any domesticated animals because I wanted to have free, free reign over my.
00:16:47
Speaker
Same. I wanted to have free choice, basically, because I thought I was like sitting. He was sitting on my feet, anxious as fuck today. And I was like, I wonder if I would want to be a dog or a horse. And then I thought I want fucking somebody riding me or telling me I had to race around. I don't want someone trying to teach me tricks or went to decide when I get to eat. I want to decide me decides when I get to eat. You don't decide me. Yeah, you don't decide when me eats. Me eats when me.
00:17:16
Speaker
What? So, you know, the baby talking. Well, I assume that animals can, you know, fully form sentences. So I'm trying to get into this. This is true. Yeah. Wow. You don't have the I versus you needed that. I did. I'm going to make so much fun of you when you talk to your baby like it's a baby.
00:17:33
Speaker
Well, we'll see how I don't know. I think I'm in a Sarah. Hey, Sarah, what's up? Yeah, there are people who help to mentor us on we routines and they did talk to their kids like they were just normal adults, basically, which which did feel strange when they were like six months old. Yeah, but I admired it. It was like, wow, I wish because I revert into when I'm around a six month old. Yeah, I revert to a different person.
00:18:01
Speaker
My cat voice comes out, dude. Yes, it's always my dog voice. I need to get a kid voice and a dog voice. Anyway, my number three animal I would like to be turned into is a beaver.
Fascinating Facts about Beavers
00:18:15
Speaker
before we get into Marion's list of questions. They are monogamous pairs and they can live in colonies of up to eight and the younger sibling or the older siblings help take care of the younger siblings for up to two years. So you get like some childcare assistance, you know, cause you're an animal. So you have to have a bunch of babies.
00:18:33
Speaker
Um, they also, did you know, I'm just about to list off a bunch of facts. Did you know that, uh, the reason that beavers have an orange hue to their teeth is because they actually have iron in their teeth, which makes them stronger and more resistant to acid. And they never stopped growing. They never stopped growing. Their teeth never stopped growing. Oh, the teeth. Oh, I thought you meant the whole beaver. And I was like, Oh God, I can't be true. Terrifying.
00:18:59
Speaker
Um, they can swim at speeds of up to five miles per hour, which is more the double the speed of the average human. They can hold their breath for up to 15 minutes underwater. They have a transparent third eyelid, which protects their eyes when they're swimming underwater. Wait, sorry. Humans can't swim five miles an hour. Aren't people running five miles an hour? Yeah, but swimming is a lot harder to, well, to swim five miles an hour. That'd be pretty.
00:19:29
Speaker
I don't know to consistently. It says the average. It says the average person. What do they swim? Fine. Yeah. Well, I don't know. It just says more than double the speed of the average. So I'm guessing about two miles an hour is the average swimmer. Yeah. That's what I, yeah. I could swim a mile in like 40 minutes, but I'm slow. I'm slow. I'm not doing that freestyle out there. I'm doing like a breaststroke. There's no Michael Phelps up there. No.
00:19:54
Speaker
Um, they're vegetarians. So, you know, I would stay in my lifestyle. Yeah. Athletes can go about four miles an hour and yeah, the average is about two. Oh, there you go. Thanks. Um, they help their local ecology and I didn't realize, but the reason that they build dams is so that they raise water levels so then they can preserve their food so that the ice that eventually forms like over the winter, that ice doesn't get down to their food so they can eat year round. I didn't know that.
00:20:23
Speaker
also a keystone species. Beavers are really cool. What does it mean to be a keystone? And they can both be in water and on land. What does it mean to be a keystone species? A keystone species are an indicator of the health of the ecology. Orca whales are a keystone species, or I think otters might be beavers. They're pretty sensitive to change. And so if you have an ecology that's messed up, often you won't see those types of animals. So they're indicators of
00:20:53
Speaker
good stewardship of the land or the water. The only downside I can think to this is that like people are using your anal gland secretions and like harvesting it and using it in like all sorts of modern cooking and baking. What? And like in perfume and things. Yeah. So they have like these anal gland secretions that come out. So if you've ever had, unless you're buying,
00:21:23
Speaker
I would love to see what kind of vanilla extract you have in your home because it's probably not vegan. It's, unless you have like true, super expensive, pure vanilla extract, you're using beaver butt juice, which is basically. And how are they, are they catching wild beavers? So they like growing beavers in a lab and then like, I don't think they're growing beavers in a lab.
00:21:48
Speaker
That's not a crazy thought, based on the fact that they're harvesting fucking anal fluid. They might have fever forms, I don't know, and rubbing buttholes, but I don't know. All I know is that this is a very popular substance in a lot of everyday things.
00:22:07
Speaker
Okay. It's called, oh, gross. Okay. It's called Castorium. And it can be found in alcoholic beverages, baked goods, frozen dairy products, chewing gum, sweets, meat products, pudding, gelatin, ice cream, vanilla flavoring, and raspberry flavored food. What? Yeah. So raspberry flavored food. I think I'm going to have to give you a negative half point for not knowing this. It's a pretty big fact about your beaver life. I'll take it.
00:22:32
Speaker
Well, but maybe wild beavers don't get it. You know, I'm very specifically a wild beaver. The same thing comes out of sperm whale poop. Yes. Like, yeah, it's called amber green. And it actually is from when a whale will eat something that they can't eat technically. And then this like fluid, I guess, forms around it so that it doesn't fuck up the whale on its way out. Yeah, the forms are mostly around like squid beaks.
00:22:59
Speaker
to kill, sorry, to harvest castorium trappers, kill beavers and remove the caster glands, which are dried and crushed. So they do catch them. Yeah. So you'd have to be legal. You'd have to be looking out for people wanting your sweet, sweet anal juice. Like that's what we're talking about. Yeah, that's terrifying. You know, part of the reason that I chose beavers because they don't have a lot of predators. They're like, it's like wolves and like lynxes, right? Like pretty rare overall. And out here, fucking humans are pulling out my butthole.
00:23:29
Speaker
God, people are the worst. Yeah. Oh, God. That's disgusting. That's funny. That's how the dam falls. I don't know. That was a good try. Also, who what fucking trapper was the first person to figure this out? To harvest Castorium trappers kill beavers and remove their castor glands, which are dried and crushed. I'm sorry, I don't know. You already said that.
00:23:58
Speaker
OK, apparently Roman women used to use it in. They burned it in lamps because they believed it would induce abortion. It didn't, fun fact. So this is going back to like Roman times. Wow. Huh. Wow. This is amazing. The Starbucks use Castorium. I have to know. Oh, no, I'm going to have to look for this everywhere now.
00:24:23
Speaker
I've always wondered why, to be honest, I have always wondered why vanilla was so cheap. It's a quite rare bean to get, so I've always wondered that. Now I know it's not vanilla. Yeah, you'll see whatever you bought, it'll say in really small lettering somewhere, like imitation. Oh my God. Okay. Well, I'm back to zero, y'all, and I will take it. I learned something new today.
00:24:47
Speaker
Uh, I, for my top three animal, I picked elephant, specifically a female. I figure you probably have that on your list. Do you have it on your list? Yeah. Yeah. It's my number two. Yeah. Yeah. I see. This is what I'm saying. I'm saying probably had this. Yeah. So we'll talk about elephants real quick. Um,
00:25:08
Speaker
Yeah, I think, again, you know what's so funny is one of my pluses for picking elephant was because they have a vegetarian lifestyle. I thought, oh, that's kind of yeah, that's kind of nice. But also, obviously, like elephant elephants are very cool. And if you can be an African elephant that's in like a natural reserve where there aren't, you know, poachings not allowed and everything, then you can have
00:25:34
Speaker
pretty good life, very long life. And because they're a matriarchal society, you know, I could be like head of my whole crew. You know, I wouldn't want to be a male elephant because they live most of their lives alone. And I'm not about that. You know, I like the idea of having a huge group. Elephants are one of the few animals that have been found to like be able to recognize a reflection in a mirror and like have self-awareness.
00:26:00
Speaker
But there's like this test was done a while ago, and basically they would put a dot on the animal's forehead. And then if the animal was staring in the mirror and reached up and touched the dot on their on their body, then that's how they knew that the animal knew it was themselves. So a lot of animals didn't pass this test, like only like dolphins and like primates and, you know, chimpanzees and
00:26:29
Speaker
elephants have passed the test. How do you think a dolphin touched their forehead? I don't know if it was on their nose or their forehead or they like tried to rub. I don't know. I really don't know. It might have been on a different part of their body that they can access. But so recently, though, someone was like, I think this test is really human. Like we should do a test that more acknowledges
00:26:52
Speaker
the other ways animals interact socially. So they took a rooster because roosters, if they see a hawk flying overhead, they'll call out to warn other chickens to stay still. But if they're alone, they'll stay completely silent.
00:27:09
Speaker
So what they did is they had the rooster in front of a mirror. And sometimes there was a real chicken, like another chicken that they could see or not see. And they would simulate a hawk flying over. And when the rooster could only see its reflection, it wouldn't call. It wouldn't like warn anything. It would stay silent. But if it could see its reflection and like another
00:27:36
Speaker
chicken than it would warn the chicken. So kind of proving that it knew that the thing in the mirror wasn't actually.
00:27:44
Speaker
Like that it was yeah just itself. Yeah, that's cool. I love that. This isn't about roosters. It's about elephants. So anyway, um, yeah, you know, I'm sure we've all heard about the memory of an elephant and The fact that they like remember people remember other elephants they have friends and they hold grudges they got their grudges and They they have
00:28:12
Speaker
funerals for dead elephants and bury them. Do you have any facts about that?
00:28:18
Speaker
I well, I learned that when an animal will die. So when a baby elephant cries like a human baby does, elephants will also soothe them and like make noises and stuff to make them comfort to give them comfort. And then they also will like pet their trunk along the baby elephant to try to soothe them. I know. And then when an elephant dies, an elephant will obviously like say goodbye to that elephant. So they'll touch it with their trunk and stuff like that. But then years later, they will continue to come back to that spot.
00:28:47
Speaker
where the elephant died and then they will continue to like give, I don't know, to like recognize the death of that animal. It's so cute. That's amazing. I also learned that because they're matriarchal and women never leave their herd, they can have up to like, you can, if you're an elephant, you can have up to great grandchildren within your own clan before you die.
Elephants' Extraordinary Abilities
00:29:07
Speaker
Oh my god, cute. I know, isn't it? Wow.
00:29:11
Speaker
Also, two more really cool facts. Yeah. Elephants can pick up sounds of rumbling with their feet and they can hear communications over long distances through the vibrations that come up through their feet and into their ear. So like that, their feet are sensing things. Wild. So cool. And you know, they give each other showers and baths. They play. They can do, you know, sorry, what were you going to say?
00:29:35
Speaker
I was going to say that their trunks have over 40,000 muscles, which can be used for smelling and breathing and communication. And they are capable of picking up something as big and heavy as a horse or something as tiny as a grain of rice. Shut up. That's crazy. Why didn't they use elephants to like how build the pyramids or something like what was going on? Maybe they did. I mean, that doesn't sound right.
00:30:04
Speaker
Aliens, why are we, you know, maybe elephants are the true aliens on the earth, not the octopus. Yeah, they're the ones watching out.
00:30:14
Speaker
Um, so I did look up, I was like, I was trying to think of some downsides because I just think being an elephant sounds really great, except that you're like kind of slow. But I looked up arthritis specifically because I was like, would I be getting arthritis with these big joints? But it turns out like, as long as I'm not an Asian elephant, or I'm not in captivity, like I should be okay. The only thing that it seems like that
00:30:36
Speaker
I mean, there's some diseases, obviously, but everyone's susceptible to different diseases. The one thing that I was like, oof, this would not be fun if I got this elephants can get trunk paralysis. And I feel like that would be terrible. I mean, like, I assume it's similar to. Anyway, yeah, I would say I was about to compare it to a conditioner human and I was like, I'm not going there anyway. Good job. I think.
00:31:04
Speaker
trunk paralysis will be hard, but it doesn't seem that common. So yeah, I feel like the self-awareness is actually a negative. I, I wish that I didn't have self-awareness sometimes. I feel like that's what causes like anxiety and depression and all sorts of human emotions that I'm assuming that they have as well. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I do sometimes think I wish I was less self-aware. I would probably be happier. Yep. Almost certainly.
00:31:35
Speaker
Fuck. Okay. Mara, do you want to do my number two, the, my number, the second animal on my list of what I would like to be turned into is a mantis shrimp. Um, mostly for their eyes. They have a lot more cones and rods than we do. And they can see colors that our eyes just can't.
00:31:57
Speaker
Oh, cool. And they're said to have some of the best eyes in the entire animal kingdom. That's really cool. They they can't differentiate between wavelengths less than 25 nanometers apart. But what does that mean? I don't know. Like, does that mean they can't see a certain color or they can't see far?
00:32:24
Speaker
No, I think that means that colors like blend together. Ah. They're really pretty, too. I just googled them and they're a lot of them are rainbow colored. Yeah. They're really gorgeous. It's like a child made this up almost. I agree. And then also they have some of the fastest like arms of any animal they can punch at like 50 miles per hour or like 20 meters per second.
00:32:53
Speaker
Can I say it? Can I say it? Yeah, say it. When they punch, they punch so fast, it boils the water around the end of their hand. Yeah. What? Yeah. That's so dope. That's crazy.
00:33:05
Speaker
So I first learned about these animals on the internet. Did you see that TikTok where they're showing different like ocean animals like going fast and then like the mantis room? No. Anyway, I thought maybe that's really nice. Where did you learn it on the internet? It was just one of a random post and they were like
00:33:27
Speaker
You know how sometimes posts will be like, look at this animal or look at this thing. It's so metal. And then like, say a bunch of sick facts about it. That's it. It was just a random post. Would you be a spear or a smasher? There's two types, apparently, of mantis fish. Spearrs have a claw with sharp teeth and they hunt by impaling prey. But then smashers have a claw shaped like a club.
00:33:57
Speaker
they hammered the prey. I'm a, I'm a smasher. Yep. Okay. So then you're eating snails and crabs instead of worms. So congratulations. Ah, I see you. Don't be a choice. Where do they live in the, are they freshwater saltwater? Are they endangered? They live in the sea. Okay. Saltwater I'm guessing. Yeah. Let's see all of them. I don't want to fucking know.
00:34:26
Speaker
You guys came with all these facts. I'm like, here are the three things I want to be. And I'm coming up with facts on the move. They can see infrared. That's cool. Yeah. Tropical and subtropical marine habits, habitats. OK. Shallow warm waters in the Indian and the Pacific oceans. Cool. Yeah. Would you be in an aquarium pet? Apparently you can have these as a pet. You can also eat them. Oh, my God. Cute.
00:34:54
Speaker
Maybe I would be a little. Yeah, I feel like you're like, you know, pet vibes today. You're like, are you tired? And you're like, just somebody feed me and pet me and just do everything for me, please. And then bejewel me as well. Thanks. Take care of me. My number two is also see animal. It's an octopus. So I.
00:35:20
Speaker
I think they're super awesome. I mean, we've all seen my octopus teacher, obviously. I wouldn't necessarily want to be that one. I think that one only lives like a year. I would probably want to be one of the bigger ones that live. I mean, they don't live long. They live like five years, but I would love to change colors and shapes. I think there's a lot of fun imitation that goes on. You know, they're clearly very intelligent.
00:35:45
Speaker
You get to eat a variety of things. Maybe I'd finally like a variety of seafood. I could really try out a new lifestyle. I think it would be fun to live underwater in a cave. I like that if somebody attacks me, whether it be a shark or
00:36:07
Speaker
a different shark, that I- Shark number one or shark number two. Or a different shark. I can't remember any of the other predators. Human. Is the human attacking me? I guess, I don't know, but yeah. I don't know. Fucking beavers are out here getting their buttholes pulled out. So maybe humans are the worst. God. You can eat everything on all of our lists.
00:36:35
Speaker
That's so sad. I just like that if somebody fucks up one of my arm legs, I have a bunch of other arm legs and also I'll grow back that arm leg. It's gonna be hard to knock me down. You can try.
Octopuses' Regenerative Powers
00:36:49
Speaker
But yeah, and I like that I can like balloon capture things. And I just do that is the coolest. I think if I'm going to live underwater in the sea, which is kind of like a smelly, gross place in general, I think I'd want to be able to do really cool shit. So the the only thing
00:37:09
Speaker
that's a little bothersome is at least an octopus teacher the way the octopi like the female octopus dies is after she gives birth to all of her octopus babies or whatever she just like starts or the eggs i can't remember if they have eggs i guess she like stops eating to protect the eggs and then she's so weak and then she dies yeah and then she just like kind of floats out and gets
00:37:36
Speaker
torn apart. Yeah that doesn't seem like a great way to go.
00:37:42
Speaker
You know, that seems like a bad way to go to just basically, you know, I only get to have sex once and then I'm going to starve myself until I die. Um, that doesn't sound right. So no orgasms or food. No, just just none. Just get down to business. My purpose is done here. I'm out. But I also think like, as far as I could tell, it's a really hard life, you know, under the ocean, hard life. So I don't know that I need it to be a long life, but I think it would be fun to kind of see things.
00:38:11
Speaker
through to the octopus, you know, angle. Yeah. Every day would be different. It would be different. But the thing about re-going a leg, that just is nice because.
00:38:25
Speaker
I know it's been said before, but I have to say it. I can grow a fucking human, but like I can't grow back certain parts of my body pre-menopause. I just, that feels really fucked up. What do you mean pre-menopause? Do we get super powers after menopause?
00:38:42
Speaker
Yeah, I'm free after menopause. Are you kidding me? Oh. I'm free. I thought you meant like the way you phrased it. I thought you meant that there's something we can do before menopause. I thought you meant that there's something we can do before menopause. I thought we finally gained the ability to like have a third boob or something. I don't know. No, we're going to be invisible but free. I'll take it. And we're all going to grow little mustaches. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to shave my face when I'm older. Can't wait.
00:39:13
Speaker
Have you seen the video of the giant octopus that balloons up to be like 10 feet wide? Yeah, you sent it to us. Oh, right. I think that is like I didn't choose any sea creatures because I'm terrified of the ocean, but I thought that would be on my list if I wanted to, because I thought that was just so cool that it could just get so big. No, that part's insane. Like the thing is it can do with its body. Yeah, it's fucking awesome. Also, you could live on like
00:39:42
Speaker
the Oregon coast and like hang out in tide pools. You know, it's a pretty diverse range of areas you could be in. Yeah, they can walk on land. Mm hmm. They're wild. All right. Wow, that was good. Sponsors. Sponsors. Here we come.
00:40:06
Speaker
Our number three sponsor this week is Grayson, who's trying really hard to figure out all the echos. Thanks, Grayson, for trying to give Grayson everybody a better listening experience. Word. I like this tomorrow. Whatever you're doing here, I like that. Yeah, I don't. It's like ASMR. I hate it. It's because he was fixing the echoes. Oh, so I was adding echoes in. Oh, oh, oh. Only Rick and Morty fans will get it.
00:40:38
Speaker
Cause they think they're like so high brow, high brow, high brow, high brow humor. Is that? Yeah. Well, I know that low brow is a phrase. So high brow must be right. Yeah. I mean, in my mind.
00:40:55
Speaker
I haven't thought of any sponsors, to be honest. Carrot Shrugs. It doesn't matter. Animal Planet. I was going to say our pets. Right. Should be number two. OK. Our second sponsors are pets showing what it would be like if we didn't have any responsibilities. But you know what? I was going to say worries, but they still find things to worry about. You think you would be content
00:41:24
Speaker
But these animals who have it made, they still find things to worry about. Yeah, what do you think Benjamin Button's worrying about today? Whether or not his diamond fell off. He's probably trying to figure out how to not age backwards. Shit. Yeah, he's probably like, who's this hulking man that's been hanging around?
00:41:46
Speaker
Get rid of the spare human, Taylor. And yeah, our number one sponsor can be Animal Planet. They haven't actually monetarily sponsored us. But slide into Mara's DMs, Animal Planet. We're ready for the sponsorship. Extra points if you can. No, never mind.
00:42:10
Speaker
Did you watch that show on Animal Planet that was about the different pets that have saved humans' lives? Do you remember that? I meant to say Planet Earth, is what I meant to say. No. Animal Planet.
00:42:25
Speaker
Now that you say that out loud, I was like, no, there's only one type of show. Oh, Planet Earth. I was about to say, because Animal Planet has had a real dive in quality in the past, like, 10 years. They're really trying anything. OK, Planet Earth. Yes, Planet Earth is a quality thing. David Attenborough, thanks for opening up our eyes. Kara, did you want to say something or you just want to talk about David?
00:42:51
Speaker
I was going to say David Attenborough generally because I feel like he gets people to care about animals and their habitat and our effects. Well, I always wonder that, but I'm like, is it just because like he doesn't write the stuff, you know, I'm kind of like, is it, is it him anyway? Yeah, I think he had a hand in writing the, cause he had that documentary come out when he turned 93 a couple of years ago and like he does a little like interface.
00:43:16
Speaker
Preface. Preface. I think he goes on site sometimes and he like helps try to narrative the stories so that people actually care. I think he's pretty involved. Yeah, I think he's involved. I don't know that that means he writes his script. Do you think writers are more important than the actors? I think that when we say when we say that an actor makes people care about it, it's kind of like not acknowledging that there's a whole team that goes into that thing and that
00:43:46
Speaker
That person is just one person who's been given a script and read it out loud. That was a very good answer to something I thought was going to trap you. Also, that's how I felt going to the Chinchilly like glass museum in Seattle. I was like, I expected to see like how this one man made a bunch of glass artworks. And then it was like just a bunch of teamwork all around. And I was like, why?
00:44:13
Speaker
not a fan that this one man's name is here. It's kind of like how if you if you've seen clips from the Grammys how like the artist will come up and accept the award but even if it's like
00:44:27
Speaker
you know, like something that you think would only be the artist. There's like five people behind them who are also getting a Grammy for that exact same thing because they helped produce it, they helped write it, they helped, you know, there's like this facade we have of like, if somebody is at the front, if they're the face, they do everything. It's not true, it's just not true. So anyway, but yeah, shout out to David. Thanks for a lifetime of caring about animals.
00:44:57
Speaker
Yeah, boy. Chach, chacho. I was with you all along, David. I never doubted you. All right. Some good shit. Let's get to our number ones.
00:45:15
Speaker
My number one animal I want to be turned into, I'm sure you're not surprised. I was like, do I even bother thinking of a different animal? I want to be a pet cow, a Highland cow, but I'm somebody's pet. I'm not there for meat production. I'm one of the lucky chosen.
00:45:32
Speaker
You're the tourism cow. Yeah, I'm the cow that wasn't rescued at the pet sanctuary. I've been there all along. You were like a little girl's birthday gift. Yeah. Yeah. And she loves me. We grow up together. Yeah. You live by a lock. You get to see the mountains every day. Yes. Yeah. Somebody speaks Gaelic to me.
00:45:57
Speaker
Nope. Gallic. I think they just speak English in Scotland. No, I have Gallic. I think it's called Gallic. Gaelic. Gaelic is in Ireland, is it there too? I think Celtic. Isn't it Celtic in Ireland?
00:46:13
Speaker
No, I think it's Gaelic in Ireland, but I think Scotland has something called. Yeah, they have. They have. It's like similarly. It's Gaelic. It's Gaelic Mara. You're right. Thank you. You are challenging a lifetime of regency reading and romance novels in the 18th century. A lifetime of Highlander novels. You're coming in here talking about Gaelic.
00:46:41
Speaker
Get out of here. I was like, I can't be wrong about this. I've been thinking about it wrong for decades. Yeah, I just want the simple life of a cow. Yeah, that's understandable. A tea cup cow can cost anywhere from $1,500 to $3,000. They need about an acre and a half of land to live on.
00:47:05
Speaker
What's up? Are they actually a teacup cow because I know. OK, because because teacup pigs are just baby pigs that grow up into real life adult pigs and people don't know that they think it's going to stay small and they're surprised. So is it is it called a teacup cow is just going to turn into cow? It does grow up to be a cow, but I think it's smaller than a donkey. So it's just not as like big.
00:47:35
Speaker
OK, I'll just back check myself really quick. Yeah, they range from 36 to 48 inches. Oh, my God, that's so tiny. It's the size of a large dog. Cute. Listen, over 60,000 people in Scotland still speak Gaelic. Thank you. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Highland cows are one of the. Oh, my God, this is so funny. I guess they're called Highland Coos.
00:48:00
Speaker
Yeah. Coos. Coos are one of the friendliest cattle breeds. Cute. I think cattle are really friendly overall. They have a really good demeanor and they are great pets just generally any time. Sounds like a nice life. You'd have a best friend probably.
00:48:18
Speaker
Yeah. Amazing. Because my owner is a responsible little bitch and she did buy me a friend. Yeah. And this ideal world that we live in where Kara's beaver is not accosted for its anal secretions.
00:48:35
Speaker
And I'm a pet in all my future lives. Yeah, I don't have much to say about it. It's just it's good. I knew I thought for sure you'd pick cow for sure. Yeah. All right. My number two. No, three. Number one, because I skipped number two. My number one is hippo one. I love the people are fucking scared of me. Stay the fuck away from me.
00:49:01
Speaker
They're faster than people. They swim over three times faster than Michael Phelps.
00:49:07
Speaker
the fuck their skin is thick enough that predators can't bother them. They're super fucking cute. If you've ever seen one, I was I've seen them both on land and in water and in water, they're just little cute little heads with their little ears and their little noses that pop up. But on land, I saw it run with its tiny little legs and its massive fucking body. And it's so awkward and weird to watch it run, but they're really quite fast and terrifying. Yeah.
00:49:33
Speaker
Only rhinos and elephants can kill them. And they do this thing called helicopter poop, which I thought was really funny. And they as they're pooping, they spin their tail around really fast so that it creates this like plume of
Hippos' Unique Territorial Behavior
00:49:45
Speaker
poop. And it's supposed to like spread their scent and like claim their area or whatever. But it's very funny to watch a video of helicopter poop. It is. That's the one thing I know about them, that and they kill a bunch of people every year. Now, the murderers, you want to be a murderer?
00:50:00
Speaker
Well, I, you know, people fucking suck. So if I'm out here doing anti people work, it feels right for you. Yeah. A group of hippos is called a bloat. That's awesome. I love that. I found Mara's future sound.
00:50:19
Speaker
Thank you. Catch me next time. We hippo calves can suckle underwater. So you wouldn't even be safe as a mom in the water. Kara, you would just have somebody suckling on your teeth. You're also going to get sunburned. You're going to get sunburn a lot. I can get some. They do get some. That's why they're underwater all day. What? Yeah. I don't think animals are being able to get sunburned. What other animals can get sunburned? Elephants can get sunburned actually. That's why they coat themselves in mud.
00:50:48
Speaker
Can pigs get sunburnt then? Yes. Horses can too. That's why we put sunscreen on their little noses. Can cows get sunburnt? I don't know. I don't know about your future self. Your sex life is going to be weird.
00:51:01
Speaker
It's an animal. All of them are. No, this one's weird. Mine will be fine. The first is you're going to be mating in the water only. Every two years, all the men are going to come around and they're going to fight each other, bloody each other up, and then they're going to come into the water to have fun with you. And then, oh, it's only going to be one guy, so he's going to do it.
00:51:32
Speaker
What do they call it? Bride sisters? Yeah, it's going to be like Eskimo sisters. Human centipede train type situation where he's going to go from what I'm making that up. But this is very common in the animal kingdom. Just so we're all well, this is you chose this life, literally. And then you're also polygamous.
00:51:54
Speaker
So as the kids on the dating app say, ethical non-monogamy. See one more. Yeah, you're going to have a relationship like 10. You're going to have 10 different mates in your lifetime. 10 you whore. Yeah. Wow. Oh my God. That means I live a pretty long life. I have lots of babies.
00:52:19
Speaker
I have a herd of women sharing the same experience. You're not avoiding the gestation period. They have the same as a human, basically eight months. So you're not getting out of like, you're going to have a baby 10 times, Kara. You have 10 babies.
00:52:37
Speaker
Again, quite common in the animal kingdom. Yeah, but you chose one where you have to do that. You have to get that means you're going to be pregnant for 80 months, 80 months. What else am I doing? I'm an animal. At least it's elephant. It's two years of pregnancy. Yeah. But how many how many elephants have kids? Like how many kids do elephants have? Like I think they have. I don't know. I'm going to say three or four, actually. I don't know.
00:53:04
Speaker
They're going to get pretty old, so they can have four or five babies, elephants generally. They're large. A large chunk of their life is spent pregnant. If you're a woman, 40, 40 months pregnant as an elephant, 80 months pregnant as a hippo. That's double the time. I mean, I don't know how you want me to say this is like the purpose of existence is to breed. So I feel like I would be I don't think I'd care. That'd be like, great. Doing my job.
00:53:35
Speaker
I don't have self-reflection probably also. So, you know, you're just chilling in the water with my homies. Yeah. I love it for you. Thanks. They're really cute. I really like that you're going to be terrifying to humans. I feel like that, that to me feels just, that's justice.
00:53:53
Speaker
I didn't expect you to be a pet every time, but now I hear it and it makes sense. I didn't either. I for sure thought the middle one would be fine. I was like, oh, that one's not a pet. But then you tell me they could be pets. And now you're like, well, yeah, if it fits, I'd love to be in a dentist office. Yeah. You have pink sweat if you're a hippo, on fact. Dude, dope. That's really weird, actually. Yeah, they call it blood sweat.
00:54:21
Speaker
Yeah, that's giving vampire blood. It's not it's not blood. It's just this like red thing that helps them like avoid sunburn and mosquitoes and things. That's cool. Natural, natural bug repellent sunscreen. Pretty dope. All right. Besides the like weird sex rituals, that's a pretty good one.
00:54:47
Speaker
Compared to the other ones we're talking about, you know, Mara is just going to not have sex ever because she's a pet as a pet. Probably. Yeah. Like spade. Oh, yeah. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. Or just shut down. That are the best friend that I get as a cow. Just, you know, we go from friends to lovers.
00:55:12
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And then we die at the same die on the same day, same time. That's so cute. Yeah. That's the arrangement every time. All right. All right.
Ravens in Culture and Mythology
00:55:23
Speaker
My number one animal that I would like to be turned into is a raven, one of the Alaskan Ravens. I used to see these birds all the time.
00:55:35
Speaker
when I was working up there. They're super smart, very intelligent. They're always having fun. They're huge. One of the interesting, besides them being like very social birds, wow, Grayson's giving me the thumbs up and the nod of approval. So I feel very good, but I got it earlier. It's an Nordic symbol.
00:55:51
Speaker
So that's what I was going to say. It's a symbol in a lot of cultures, like a lot of ancient cultures and traditions have like noticed Ravens and they're usually tricksters. And it's a very interesting that like throughout the world.
00:56:10
Speaker
people have found like ancient significance in Raven. So I like that. I like that. I've got like mad thousand year old clout. You know, I'm not being named after a horse incorrectly. Hippo. So like that's the Greeks. They literally call you water horse. But like, you know, I've got I've got this like ancient wisdom within me. And also Edgar Allen Poe wrote about me.
00:56:40
Speaker
I picked Ravens as well, because I when I was thinking about my things, I wanted to get an animal on each, you know, land, water and the air. Ravens are like acrobats in the air. They're like one of the main ways you can decide if you have trouble distinguishing crows from Ravens is that Ravens like twirl and do barrel rolls in the air and they like have a lot of fun. They'll like grip each other.
00:57:07
Speaker
by the claws and do stuff. So like if you see very active birds in the air that are doing tricks, those are probably ravens. If you just see like a bird flying, that's probably a crow. So I really enjoy that if I'm going to be in the air, I'm going to have fun. I'm not just going to be like