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Improving Relationships: Tips and Strategies for Stronger Marriages and Personal Growth
3 Plays10 months ago
Join Pam and Mandi in a heartfelt exploration of overcoming relationship hurdles in the latest episode of "Finding My Best Self." Dive deep into the complexities of love and partnership as we discuss practical strategies for growth, both individually and together. Uncover the power of understanding love languages, mastering communication, aligning belief systems, and establishing routines that nurture connection. Whether you're looking to enhance your bond or find pathways through common struggles, this episode offers insights into building a stronger, more fulfilling relationship. Don't miss our comprehensive guide to fostering love and mutual growth in your partnership.
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Strengthening Bonds: Key Strategies for Enhancing Relationships & Personal Development
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Explore strategies for relationship growth: love languages, communication, and mutual support for stronger, more fulfilling partnerships.
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Transcript
Walking Parallel Paths Together
00:00:00
Speaker
There's two roads and there's a man in one and there's a woman in the other and y'all are both walking and you know, he's on his journey in life and you're on your journey in life and you combine hands in the middle. And it's the idea of I want to, you know, you stay in your lane and I'm going to stay in my lane because I have my own goals and my own aspirations and I have my own place in my life.
00:00:26
Speaker
my God given life that I want to go and so do you, but I choose to be with you and to walk in this life together. And that hit me so hard because it's not, it's not jumping in the other person's lane with them and we're going to ride off together, right? It is, we're going to join hands and I'm going to continue to support you on your journey while you support me on mine and we're going to walk through it together. And I was like, that is so beautiful. So if you've never seen that, it's a way to think of it. That just hit hard too.
Podcast Introduction and Theme
00:00:57
Speaker
Hey girl, welcome to Finding My Best Self, the podcast where it's totally okay to show up in your leggings and messy bun, because let's be real, that's our uniform here. The only rule is to be unapologetically yourself. And I'm Mandi, and joining me is Pam, the queen of Finding the Silver Linings. We're here to share laughs, tears, and everything in between.
00:01:16
Speaker
Think of us as your new best friends with some stories to tell and wisdom to share. From face palms to victories, we're diving into the journey of self-discovery, wellness, and what it means to truly embrace who you are. So whether you're conquering the world or just trying to find your phone in the black hole, I mean, purse, we've got you covered.
00:01:35
Speaker
Because here it's all about encouraging you to lace up those sneakers or don't, we're not judging. And join us as we explore what is truly means to own your confidence and find your best self.
Episode Topic: Relationships and Marriages
00:01:45
Speaker
So pour yourself a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and let's get into it.
00:01:52
Speaker
Hello and welcome back to another episode of Finding My Best Self. Today you have with me myself, Pam and Mandy. And today we're talking about something that's very near and dear to our hearts. And I know a lot of listeners as well. So it might be a little more of a sentimental episode, but it's something that we both know and we've talked about a lot that it was something that we really wanted to talk about.
00:02:20
Speaker
Today's the day so before we jump in though we wanted to ask that if you've been listening for a while we would greatly appreciate it if you have not already left us a review to please do that. It helps to get our rankings up on the podcast network and just that way again so we can continue to reach out to more women.
00:02:41
Speaker
and help to get our podcasts out there. And if you're new to the show, welcome. We hope that you enjoy this episode. And if this episode resonates with you, obviously, please share it. I think this topic today is going to be something
00:02:56
Speaker
that a lot of people need to hear.
Personal Experiences in Relationships
00:02:58
Speaker
So without further ado, today we're going to be talking about relationships and marriages. And just to preface this whole conversation, we just wanted to let everybody know that Mandy and I are not by any means life coaches or marriage counselors. We are just doing this
00:03:18
Speaker
out of wanting everyone to know that you're not alone and that we all have ups and downs and our marriages and relationships and that that's normal and it's okay. And we just want to share the things that we have personally done in our own relationships in order to make things better.
00:03:39
Speaker
We won't be speaking on any sort of behavioral characteristics like narcissism or gaslighting, et cetera. We're not experts in that. So we're not going there.
Communication and Love Languages
00:03:49
Speaker
We just want to speak on what we have personally seen has worked for us and out of respect for our spouses and the privacy of our marriages. We're not going to go into any specific, you know, details or conversations or disclose anything like that. Just again, things that we've actively done.
00:04:08
Speaker
in the past are currently doing to continue to work on and better ourselves and our marriages. So first and foremost, open communication. And I guess we're just going to start there because it's something that is the, in my personal opinion, and I think Mandi's as well is communication is key.
00:04:33
Speaker
to a good marriage. I think it's the foundation of a good relationship. I'm not going to say marriage because I am married, Mandy's married, but just a relationship in general and really knowing what the five love languages are. And if you don't know, I highly, highly recommend the book. Both my husband and I have read it. We read it together and it is a very
00:04:56
Speaker
Very great book to read because it it changed a lot of things for us it had opened up the door to a lot of conversations that i never been had. I don't know that did you and can you ever read i did it together me it's been years but that hasn't changed we kind of.
00:05:11
Speaker
you know, we just are what we are and we need what we need in every season. And so I forget is, I mean, it's been so long ago, but I'm almost glad that we did it at the beginning of our relationship because it has, like you said, open up those conversations that when we aren't getting what we need, you kind of refer back to it, you know? And so I think that that has been, it has opened that conversation to kind of remind them like, Oh yeah, you remember, um, um,
00:05:40
Speaker
words of affirmation, like I need to feel, you know, loved. I need that kind of just constant reassurance and in his physical touch. And so we were just talking that ours are opposite. Yeah. Yeah. So that's, so if for, for anyone who doesn't know the five love languages or, and it's the way that you as a person receive love, right?
00:06:05
Speaker
And everyone has all of these love languages, but it's just that if you prioritize them in what's most important to what's least important and not saying that we don't want to have all of them, it's just there's always going to be an order. What's crazy is that when I read that book,
00:06:26
Speaker
I was very surprised because you, when you get to the very end of the book, there's like a little quiz that tells you, you know, what's your top and then all the way down, you know, five, four, three, two, one. And I was very surprised by, because I didn't think that my number one was what the, you know, according to the quiz was my number one. So it was a little eye-opening for me, but the five love languages or physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts,
00:06:53
Speaker
Help me out here because I'm going to forget them all. Oh man. We should have wrote them down. Dang it. Hold on, hold on, hold on. It's physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts. Oh gosh, why am I drawing a blank? It's these two. I know. Somebody's calling us out. Well, so I guess what Mandy, what we're trying to say at the end of the day is knowing
00:07:21
Speaker
what your significant others is because what tends to happen is that when you like to have love a certain way, oh, one of them is acts of kindness, showing acts of doing things. The fifth one's going to come to me. Gifts, receiving gifts. You said that one. We said that one. Yeah.
00:07:51
Speaker
Acts of kindness, gifts. We'll put it in the show notes. How about that? Yeah. I should have had them down. Dang it. Anyway, it's because apparently those aren't important to me. So I'm not remembering. I was about to say they're not ours. Yeah. Yeah. They're not there. That's why they're, I'm not remembering. They're way on the bottom of the totem pole for me.
00:08:10
Speaker
But what happens is, is that I tend to want to show love the way that I receive love, right? So for me, I receive love by physical touch.
00:08:26
Speaker
And it's just, you know, the, the little things like the, the hand on the leg while we're watching TV or, you know, just walk past me and rub my shoulder, like the little things, like that's, it's the little things when it comes to physical touch. And for Corey is he's like you and it's the words of affirmation. So, but I struggle with that, right? So it's opened that communication up for us for him to be able, when he says to me, you know,
00:08:54
Speaker
you haven't been giving me those words of affirmation or you know, you haven't been, you know,
00:09:01
Speaker
some, we're getting better in that. So he says those things to me now, but what it sounded like before is you don't love me or I don't mind or you're not, you're not doing, you're not doing the things that I'm like, well, what do you mean this prior to, right? It's it, this is what happens. What do you mean? You don't feel like, you know, you're not, you don't do things to make me feel loved. Okay. Well, what is that? And so before you read this and have an understanding, so now he can say,
00:09:28
Speaker
You know, you haven't been giving me or showing me those words of affirmation. And again, that's hard for me because it's not something that, it's not a way that I received love. So it's really hard for me to articulate. Right. So I know that I have to make that effort to do that because that is how he receives love. And you know, a little bit of vice versus for him, he's never been a super touchy feely kind of person where I'm like, you know, I need you to touch me, you know?
00:09:56
Speaker
I'm able to say, you know, you've seen common kind of distant lately and not very affectionate, you know, and,
Addressing Relationship Issues Promptly
00:10:04
Speaker
and so he knows. And so that's why knowing those five love languages and knowing what your partner is and what you are is really important, not just to know, but to also be able to communicate that better, because just being able to use those words
00:10:23
Speaker
makes it so much easier to understand. It makes it easier for you to be able to hold the mirror up and say, okay, maybe I haven't been doing that as opposed to
00:10:34
Speaker
you know, just very vague and saying, well, you haven't been, you know, I don't feel loved. Well, why? Because you haven't been doing things. Well, what things? Like what do you mean? Well, and honestly too, like, cause we're opposite. I don't even notice it half the time. So I feel like you don't have that awareness whenever it's not your like number one thing that you're focusing on. It's, it's literally
00:10:57
Speaker
Like, oh, well, I thought I was, but it wasn't to either the degree that we need it, or it's the fact of, well, we're just not putting in a top priority because, you know, it's just like, I don't need that. So I, you know, it's just, I don't, it's weird because it's not until you call each other out and like not, that's what that communication because you don't want to say.
00:11:18
Speaker
Oh, you just don't love me. That's why you know, we don't have physical touch or you're not telling me all these things it really goes into I've noticed this and it hasn't been to the degree that we were doing it so like is there something going on or you know, are you just it's just not in the front of your mind to do it so it's like it all stems back to that communication because if you're not
00:11:41
Speaker
Because that can stem right that can be like a resentment almost because I know for me I need to have those conversations and feel that reassurance that That I am loved and so when we're not in that communication state I just get like I mean I've gotten better but in the past it's very much like
00:12:01
Speaker
Like, Oh, well, you know, I'm just not going to talk to you because you're not wanting to tell me this, that or whatever. And so then you get into that like silent treatment, which stems. And then next thing you know, you're blowing up and he's just like, where is this coming from? Yeah. Right. So it goes both ways for everyone. Yeah. The other one's caught off guard. Yeah. Correct. Correct. It stems. And then it's a big blow up or on, you know,
00:12:27
Speaker
That too or it's just the burying things, right? It's like oh, yeah little things that went this low and little thing that bothers you and you bury it Oh, whatever. I'm just whatever. I'm just gonna let it go and then the next little thing. Oh, I'm just gonna let it go But guess what? You don't really let it go. You don't really let it go right it all you sweep it and you sweep it and you sweep it and then all of a sudden and
00:12:47
Speaker
is that one little thing that just push over and then the argument happens and then it's like, well, you did this and you did this and you're bringing up stuff that happened weeks ago, even though you're mad about what happened today. I'm sorry. I thought we were talking about this that happened today and now we're talking about bringing up stuff from 10 years ago. So communication. So
00:13:13
Speaker
for, and again, we're both very similar in this. So this is, you know, we're going to kind of go into this. For me, for us personally, it was when to communicate, right? Because when you have children, if there's children involved, if, you know, you both work and
00:13:35
Speaker
you know, doing self-care practices and all of these things, right? It's when do you find that time to have those conversations? And it doesn't always have to be the tough conversations like, you know, something that's bothering me. It can just be conversations in general like, how was your day? Let's talk about what's up with the kids. You know, we have, you know, what are our vacation plans for this year? Like whatever conversations or just being silly, whatever, when to have those. And for us,
00:14:04
Speaker
It was at night and I was just like, you know, that is when, instead of going to bed and watching TV or, you know, him watching TV and me playing on my phone, it was, you know, let's turn the TV off. And even if it's just, you know, even if it's late and we only get five minutes in those five minutes, something is better than nothing because every day we can end the day on a good note, right?
00:14:32
Speaker
and just having those conversations, it has changed a lot in us having those nightly conversations. It has opened that door because I think too, when you go to bed at night, the day the stressors, the chaos is over with, right? The kids are in bed, not in your bed.
00:14:57
Speaker
Yeah. Right. No, we cut that out a long time ago. Not in your bed. The kids. Cause I know we try, we co slept for a little while whenever it was Chloe, my, my oldest one, um, with us and it, I, and I'm not opposed to it at all because it is like a bonding experience and all these things, but there comes a point in time because you, like you just said, there's all those stressors from the day.
00:15:25
Speaker
that that really is the only time that you get together, especially when you have little ones. Yeah, alone. And so it's just such a huge shift in your marriage whenever you can just have that alone time together. And like you said, it's mostly at night, which is almost a good thing because we've tried, you know, waking up and doing the coffee thing together in the morning. We've tried after school, but the kids wake up or they're interrupting or they need homework, all these things. So at night, like you said,
00:15:55
Speaker
tucked away nice and tight in their beds. And then that's when we can actually sit and have a conversation without being interrupted a hundred percent. So yeah, no kids in the bed. And then because you've wound down from the day, you're much more relaxed and open to listening and receiving and understanding.
00:16:22
Speaker
when the other person says, you know, you know, can I tell you something that's been bothering me or something that you did? And another thing in regards to that is bringing it up and immediately, you know, we've had this conversation of if something's bothering you today, tell me today. Don't wait till tomorrow. Don't wait for a week from now. Like tell me today. Because then that conversation can be had, that discussion can be had in a much calmer manner. Yeah.
00:16:52
Speaker
Because I can honest to God say that we have never had an argument, like an argument at night when we've had those conversations at bedtime.
Benefits of Hard Conversations
00:17:06
Speaker
It's always been very calm understanding
00:17:11
Speaker
communication conversations, like our arguments have always happened when it's been in the middle of the day, the stress of the day. Yeah. Yeah. And the middle of the stress of the day. So it had like, if that is one thing that I can advise anyone to do is to just have those nightly conversations. Like I said, even if it's just for five minutes, right? Yeah.
00:17:32
Speaker
I think the conversations, like literally, I think we've gotten to the point and it's taken forever for it to be like this. I think it's a lot of growth for both of us.
00:17:43
Speaker
to even have the conversations that you don't necessarily want to have. Because it's the hard conversations. It's the hard ones, but it's not even like you're attacking someone. It's literally like, this is how I'm feeling. And you may not like what I have to say, but this is how I feel. And now like, let's talk through it and like try and find the root cause of it instead of me just like holding on to this for days, weeks, months, and then something
00:18:13
Speaker
coming of it, like becoming of it, that's going to make it 10 times worse. And so I feel like just in the last year, since Kenny's gotten back from this deployment, that has completely changed for us, where we have probably had some of the hardest conversations we've had in like the 18, 19 years we've been together this year. And
00:18:33
Speaker
They have not always been pretty because it's things that like, I may not want it to hear or he may not want it to hear, but it has made us stronger because we're now there's like, there's no limit. It's like, Hey, you know, let me tell you this. And it's like, okay, we don't have to be as real as we said we were.
00:18:49
Speaker
But it's a good thing because we feel that much more comfortable to just just say it like just spit it out. We can take it. We can take whatever we need to say and then dissect it from there. But if you're not saying it and you're feeling some way by yourself, especially when it's related to your relationship, it just causes like a residual like situation that you're going to eventually have to deal with later anyway.
Non-Blaming Communication
00:19:17
Speaker
Yeah.
00:19:19
Speaker
And then outside of that too, like I said earlier, is it's also just about having other conversations too, right? I know something that we've done that I think we've both really enjoyed is, and y'all laugh at me if y'all want to, I got it off a TikTok, it was an idea off a TikTok, so yay TikTok, don't please don't get rid of TikTok government because there's so much good that comes from it. We need it for your marriage advice. Right.
00:19:47
Speaker
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Speaker
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00:20:29
Speaker
MBS Fitco is more than just activewear. It's a lifestyle. Join our community and be part of our exciting journey from day one to celebrate fitness, self care and your hero within. Don't just wear it, live it. All right, now let's dive back into this episode. But anyway, so it was and it wasn't even somebody's I don't even know what this was. It was one of those little scroll posts from one of those motivational page or whatever. But it was like, you know,
00:20:54
Speaker
you know, five or seven questions, whatever to ask your spouse. I was like, I'm going to screenshot them and I'm going to ask Corey at nighttime or whatever. So I did. And so, so he was laughing though. He was like, where did you get that from? And I'm like, I came up with it. And so I told him, I was like, I showed him. I was like, I got him from TikTok. But then, so he liked it so much that he was like, well, I'm going to come up with questions for you. And I was like, okay. And it was like, relationship questions, like, you know, you know,
00:21:21
Speaker
what's one thing that you, you know, if you could change one thing about me, what would it be? Or, you know, what's the one thing that I do that you like the most? Or, you know, what's one thing that I do that you really don't like? And so it's, it's giving them space to have real open and honest answers with you because I'm asking. Speak freely and not expect a reaction. Yeah. Yeah. So
00:21:50
Speaker
So that was nice. And so that was something that we recently did that, you know, that we really enjoyed. So just, you know, some suggestions about the communication. And another thing to before we move on is not when you're having those hard conversations to not do the finger pointing, right?
00:22:14
Speaker
And it's more so just trying to get the other person to know that you're not saying that they're doing something wrong, but more so for them to understand how something makes you feel. And so it is the, when you do this, I feel this way. And it gives them the opportunity to say, okay, well, my intention is not to make you feel that way. This is my intention because sometimes
00:22:39
Speaker
it is us and our own feelings getting in the way of, or our own interpretation of something that was said or done, as opposed to, you know, and so it's just, it's, because playing the, playing the finger-pointing game
00:22:56
Speaker
is never, it never turns out well. And so it's just having, you know, when you have those conversations, just having that open heart and open mind to being understanding of the other
Avoiding Text for Serious Talks
00:23:07
Speaker
person's feelings. And obviously this goes both ways, right? So, you know, you have to have those conversations with your spouse.
00:23:14
Speaker
And then as another, I guess on another side of communication, one of my or our big rules that we have completely cut out and don't get us wrong. Like we all make mistakes, right? Like we all say that these are the things that we want to do in our relationship.
00:23:32
Speaker
We're human, right? We fall back. We forget, you know, in the heat of the moment, you know, we send texts to old days, whatever. Yeah. So it's just constantly reminding each other. Like, like you said earlier, you know, you have to remind and be like, Hey, I have to get those words of affirmation. I need this, please. So just reminding, but like our thing is no serious topics in texts because y'all
00:23:56
Speaker
we have had, we have text message, text messaging is, has caused so many arguments that didn't need to be had. And it caused them not even to be, first of all, to become arguments that didn't need to be arguments, but also for those arguments to be really, really bad. Because you know, y'all can admit, don't, don't, don't lie.
00:24:21
Speaker
when that one text comes through and then the next and then that's it. Like y'all going at it, right? Who's going to come up with the, you know, the bigger and better, whatever. And so it ends up being so much worse, right? And then it's like an all day affair, whatever, if you're a worker and it's just not, it's just not good. And the tone is never right. Because even if they said it with nothing, we took it a certain way. And that's what I'm saying.
00:24:49
Speaker
It starts an argument that didn't even need to be an argument just because the way that you read it, you interpreted it in a way that it didn't, you know, so there's just none. And so when something does come up, I'm like, Hey, like, is this something that we should probably talk about later tonight? And then you
00:25:08
Speaker
as a grown person needs to, cause I know that there's the people that's like, you know, how are you going to bring it up and not tell me, you know, or now that's going to ruin my day because now I have to think about all day long that, you know, there's something on their mind.
00:25:24
Speaker
Well, then that's okay because I promise you it coming out in text is not going to be good. Like wait until later, wait until bedtime when the day is done, the stressors are over. And not to mention when someone has more time to think on something that's bothering them,
00:25:48
Speaker
nine out of 10 times, either a they're going to realize that it really wasn't that big of a bother to begin with or B they're going to be able to articulate and communicate what is bothering them much better than if you would have pulled it out of them right then and there. Yeah. And that is the truth. And that is the truth for anybody because any relationship, any relationship person, when someone says, I need a minute.
Supporting Individual Growth
00:26:18
Speaker
you give them a minute and just let them collect their thoughts. Because when you try to pull something out of someone, when they're not ready to talk, I promise you, you're going to make things so much worse. Um, cause I know I'm that way. Yeah. Or just shut down. You just like have a block and you just are not going to listen or let anything in after that anyway, because you, you have to stop yourself and internalize so that you don't end up saying something. You don't mean act in a certain way and just making sure that you're being,
00:26:47
Speaker
you know, as rational in the conversation as you need to be. Mm hmm. Yeah, but so definitely no, no serious topics and texts like text message is only for the everyday what's up with the kids joking around saying I miss you can't wait till you come home. That type of I got something to say at bedtime. You just don't want to say now but I love you. It is though and I think
00:27:18
Speaker
having that conversation at night has led us to kind of, so not so much our schedule now, but before, I always wake up before everybody. And so I would just, I just like leave little sticky notes around like if I make us coffee or the lunch and, and you know, just putting something we talked about to kind of like ended on a good note. Like even if we got into a discussion about something that was hard, it's always coming from a place of love. It's never coming from,
00:27:47
Speaker
You know, I'm trying to point you out for this or I'm trying to attack you on that. It's always, this is going to help us grow and be better. And so I want you to know that this comes from a place of love and how much I appreciate you, love you. And so that's where our little notes come through, you know, you try and do them a couple of days a week, just to like, once again, affirmation person here. I need that. So.
00:28:11
Speaker
Yeah. The communication piece is just literally, if you had to sum it up in one, that would be what it is all about. Yeah. We do the, we do the sticky notes too. I do the lunchbox sticky notes and then he does the random every now and then I'll find them forever. He leaves them. So, and it's just, it's something sweet and it's something nice. I do it for my kids too. Jillian loves that. Yeah. When I leave her little notes and stuff. Another thing to,
00:28:40
Speaker
I guess this is a little bit outside of communication, I guess, but it all really in truthfully, all of these things really fall back on communication. It's just communicating all of these things, but not trying to change each other or our beliefs or our ways. At the end of the day, I think that you as a person can choose to want to make a change in yourself. If you feel that you need to work on something,
00:29:08
Speaker
But you should never be the one to tell someone else and not even just in your relationship or your spouse, but anyone for that matter that they need to change anything the way that they look or talk or act or dress or what they think or believe in any certain topic. It doesn't mean that you have to agree with it. But at the end of the day, you chose to be with this person for who they were then. So why try to change them now?
00:29:37
Speaker
If you can accept them for who they are, then, you know, yeah. And I think that that plays a lot on knowing your person and knowing, cause I mean, every, I mean, obviously you get with a person, you know, that they have flaws, you know, that you have strengths, weaknesses, all that thing. So you can't beat someone up about something that either they're trying to work on or they're not self-aware enough of it yet.
00:30:05
Speaker
And I think that's why whenever you're with someone, you want to play off your strengths and weaknesses because I know for sure he's stronger in things that I'm weaker in. And so I have watched him go through different things and it's like, oh, you know, you kind of pick up hints or different things and vice versa. And so it's really neat to see how that plays into each other later on because if you don't push someone to be a certain way, act a certain way, do certain things,
00:30:33
Speaker
then they can become who they're supposed to be. And you're, you're kind of along on the journey for it. And you can kind of see how that progression has happened. And so it's been really interesting over, over our marriage, just to see how much we both have grown. I mean, thinking about, we are completely different people than what we were.
00:30:50
Speaker
and we have it's not been perfect obviously no one no one's marriage is but to be able to work through those different seasons of where we were trying to figure it out and it was hard and it was tough but I mean we can finally kind of see a light at the end of the tunnel right now where we get each other and we're not trying to hold each other back and you may not understand what I'm trying to do or I might not understand what
00:31:15
Speaker
what you're trying to do, but I'm gonna back you up." And I don't know if anybody's seen Robin Big. He said, you ever watched that on MTV? Where he tells them like, I'm backing you sacred G or whatever. That's been like, we used to binge watch that. And so that's been our thing for years. It's like, all right, I'll back you sacred G. Like no matter what it is, it could be the stupidest idea ever. And it's like, okay, I'll back you sacred G. And so, you know, it's just those little things that like,
00:31:42
Speaker
You're crazy. I may not understand what you're doing. And I'm sure this has been more Kenny looking at me saying that, but it's, I'm going to back you no matter what. And whether you fail or succeed, like I'm going to be there right along the way.
00:31:56
Speaker
Okay, so I love that you brought this up because this is not this was not on our list to talk about. But you mentioned about evolving and changing. If you do not know this already, I am here to tell you that you as a person as well as your significant other are always at any age, it doesn't matter how old you are.
00:32:16
Speaker
going to be evolving and changing constantly. And if you can look at yourself today and say, oh, well, I'm the same person that I am five years ago, then okay. But I promise you in some way, shape or form you're not. Yeah. And so when it comes to marriages and relationships, it's falls back on that communication piece of being able to let your spouse or your significant other in on
00:32:44
Speaker
these are the things that I'm doing now in order to better myself or do whatever. Because I know for me personally, again, going back, what is this, three years ago when I really, three, really more so two years ago when I really started to take a really deep dive into my personal development and
00:33:06
Speaker
reading and journaling and spiritual development and stuff, my husband was like, what the heck is this? What are you doing? You're not the same person or whatever. And that was just because at that time, I didn't really communicate that with him as to what I was doing or why or where I was mentally and why I felt that I needed that. And so had
00:33:27
Speaker
I had that conversation with him and communicated with him like where I was. He would have been much more open to our understanding of what I was doing and not feeling like you're all away from me. You're different and you're not like, you don't love me anymore or whatever.
00:33:45
Speaker
because in his eyes I was checking out, right? And it wasn't that, it was just that I was working on me and he didn't know because I didn't tell him or express that. So again, back to the communication, but everyone is always evolving and changing. So that's what I guess I'm trying to say is that if your spouse, if you say that you're not the same person anymore or whatever, they're probably not. And that's probably not a bad thing, right? Is that they're working on themselves and trying to be a better person in most cases, right? In most cases, I'm sure.
00:34:16
Speaker
That's just the case. Yeah, it's for sure. Having that conversation too.
00:34:22
Speaker
Because I think a lot of people get scared because they're going, they're thinking, okay, well, we're growing apart because now if you look back five, 10 years ago, we're not the same people. And that's like, we got married then, or we became a, you know, you were my partner then. And like, what if you are going to grow out of me? Because you're growing out of this older version of yourself. And so I think that communication as far as
00:34:46
Speaker
You don't know these this is just what i'm focusing on like all these different aspects of life but i want you along on that journey with me and i wanna talk to you about it and i think we've talked about this like.
00:34:59
Speaker
they're our best friends. So it's like, I want to tell you all these things, but I have learned that some things are just not for us to discuss. Like I know talking about teaching, Kenny could care less, but you have like your different people you go to for different things. And, but as long as they're understanding that like, this is what I want to do. This is who I want to be. And they're still supportive of that. Then it can work and you can make it through kind of like those transitional moments in your life and just,
00:35:29
Speaker
kind of take each other along the way and just be supportive. Okay, so you just made me think of something, taking each other along the way and going on the walking through life together. There was something that I saw years ago. And when I saw this, it like, for whatever reason, it just it struck me and it has stuck with me since that day. And it's the image of
00:35:53
Speaker
a man and like it's two parallel highways, right? We all know the parallel highways, right? And so there's a road, there's two roads and there's a man in one and there's a woman in the other and y'all are both walking and he's on his journey in life and you're on your journey in life.
00:36:13
Speaker
And you combine hands in the middle. And it's the idea of, I want to, you know, you stay in your lane and I'm going to stay in my lane because I have my own goals and my own aspirations. And I have my own place in my life, my God given life that I want to go.
00:36:30
Speaker
And so do you, but I choose to be with you and to walk in this life together. And that hit me so hard because it's not jumping in the other person's lane with them and we're going to ride off together, right? We're going to join hands and I'm going to continue to support you on your journey while you support me on mine and we're going to walk through it together. And I was like, that is so beautiful.
Balancing Personal Goals and Relationship Duties
00:36:55
Speaker
So if you've never seen that, it's the way that just hit hard too, because I had, I struggled with that. Cause I mean, obviously Kenny's retiring out the military and I had to, like my purpose goals, dreams had to be on the back burner because of our lifestyle.
00:37:14
Speaker
And I struggled with that for years. And it's not like a resentment. Like I was still, you know, like you do you, he was, you know, he was hitting all his goals, doing everything. And I, I supported him along the way, but it was still that kind of like thing in the back of my hand. That's like, well, what about you? Like you have all these goals, you have all these dreams, but I just kept having to tell myself, like it's just not my time. And it really wasn't like, because there's no way that I could have simultaneously happened at the same time because I had to be,
00:37:42
Speaker
the person for my family. And so, you know, it's one of those things that you almost have to tell yourself those things as you're going through it because now I can look back and be like, okay, now I get it because everything, everything that has happened has literally brought us here and to where we are right now. And you know, you don't see the end or you don't see the big picture. And so it's, it's telling yourself that it's not him being selfish or me
00:38:10
Speaker
having to sit back and just watch as someone else is taking off in their career or just in life. It's just not your time. There's a time and a purpose for everything. I think that's where the faith-driven part comes in because I didn't understand that, but I also didn't have a strong relationship with God to really know that. I'm telling you, this whole year has been transformational in general, but
00:38:35
Speaker
It really had me stop and think that everything I've done has prepared me for my life's purpose or dreams and things to be successful or just to feel fulfilled. And it's because of everything. It's not because of I had to wait. It's because I needed to wait. No, needed to wait. So speaking of God, that is another topic just because
00:39:04
Speaker
And I'm going to speak on behalf of my marriage because my husband and I, not that we, we are both believers. I know y'all know I am because I talk about all the time, but he is not, he absolutely believes in God as well. But we, there are topics that we don't necessarily agree on when it comes to religion. And so those are the things that we just choose to
00:39:27
Speaker
I guess I don't want to say necessarily not talk about, but we just kind of know, right? Because there are certain things that we don't agree on, but for the longest time church was hard, right? Because he's one religion or I shouldn't say that because they're really the same, but he likes to go to one type of church. I like to go to another. And so we've just agreed that, you know, we'll go to this type of church together. So it's just the compromise, right? It's the compromise of choosing to do that together. Yeah.
00:39:55
Speaker
even if it's not 100% agreed on, just because at the end of the day, it's important.
00:40:01
Speaker
going back to the conversation. That was a conversation that we had about how important having God at the forefront of our marriage was and that needed to happen. We're also really big on not telling each other what we can or can't do, even from all the way down to the littlest thing, all the way up to the biggest thing. Now, we may still have conversations about big things, big purchases, big
00:40:31
Speaker
life changes, me starting a business. We still have those conversations. We may not necessarily agree, but I will never say, you can't do that. Or that's just, if we're going to agree to a no, we're going to agree together to a no. Do you know what I mean? It's a conversation.
00:40:55
Speaker
And then either we're both going to agree together that that's probably not the best thing. Or, you know, if he's like, this is what I want to do, I'm like, okay. Like that's your, you know, because again, it's his life as much as we are married and we are together and we are one, we are walking that path together. But you know, if there's something that he wanted, wants to do, I'll never be the person to stop him ever.
00:41:21
Speaker
Yeah, and I think that that goes into just also like having your own life within your marriage and being able to do things separately. I feel like that's so hard for a lot of couples or just
00:41:38
Speaker
partnerships in general is you feel like, I guess as moms too, you just feel like you have to hold it all together. So like if you go to take a friend's trip or if you go to go do something for yourself, everything's going to stop and shut down. And the whole part of having that support system, village that helps you do all that,
00:42:04
Speaker
I mean, the whole thing is you cannot just pour, pour, pour. And we've talked about this numerous times and not take those moments out for yourself. And I feel like in a marriage too, that you have to give each other those times to go and to be with their friends or their family and that time separation from you because that's going to enable you to become
00:42:26
Speaker
independent within your own bubble or be able to hone in on what you need to do for yourself because I know the first couple of weeks of a deployment or any kind of week in a way, I'm like, oh, I get to watch what I want on TV or I get to go do this or do that. It's just having those moments to yourself
00:42:46
Speaker
to feel like it's okay to to take time for yourself. And so yeah and that goes for being a couple too to take time away from the kids to go do things like this weekend we're going on a trip short trip but we know that in the next couple months things are gonna be crazy and so we squeezed it in. Could we be doing other things? Absolutely like there's always things that we need to be doing or you know places we need to be but
00:43:11
Speaker
If we don't carve out those times for each other, it's either going to drive, you know, something between us or even individually that you don't feel like you are your own person within your marriage or within your partnership. Yeah. And it's the, you know, that was a conversation Corey and I had when we first got together. It was something that I realized
00:43:35
Speaker
was a huge missing piece of my previous marriage.
Prioritizing for a Balanced Life
00:43:40
Speaker
Um, that, you know, that I was just like, you know, that was really big that I was missing and we didn't, we never prioritize any of that, but it was the, you know, we need to have a long time schedule and planned alone time, you know, whether even if it's just a weekend, once a year, it doesn't have to be a week long trip or whatever, but planning those date nights once, at least once a month, planning at least one weekend away per year and having that alone time.
00:44:04
Speaker
but we also need to have time together with friends, time together with our family and time apart. You go with your friends and I'm going to go with mine because if you can't have a balance in all of those different areas,
00:44:22
Speaker
you're going to have issues, period. There's going to be issues in some way because either you're going to be feeling that you're missing the alone time or you don't see your friends enough or you don't have enough family time. That resentment plays in because one's doing it or one's not and then you feel like, okay, well, I never get to do anything or they're always doing something.
00:44:45
Speaker
that communication again, you know, if you're not saying like, Hey, it's been a long time since I've done so on, you know, whatever with my friends, like I might go plan, you know, a dinner or a weekend trip. And it's that other person should want you to have that outside life too. And, and just, I don't know, like you, like you said, like fill your cup, make sure that you're good, because then that's only going to bring y'all closer together in the long run anyway.
00:45:14
Speaker
Yeah. You know, I listened to a podcast the other day that like really hit home for me because it's something that I've struggled with my whole life because I am this overachiever or this person that when this new thing comes to my head, I want to do it and I just dive all in. And it's always been like work and then
00:45:39
Speaker
I'm not going to say it's always been self-care second, but work and then self-care and then like kids, spouse, and God was just kind of there, right? And not necessarily in any kind of order. It was just all, and so this podcast, you know, it was this guy, this very successful guy who, and he was talking about that. He was like, you know, nine years ago,
00:46:01
Speaker
You know, my wife and I almost got a divorce and he said that was when I had to, you know, really hold up the mirror. And it was a huge reality check for me, um, to say that I personally did not have my priorities in line. It wasn't my wife, you know, it wasn't anybody else. It was my fault. So that was kind of a little bit of a check for me because you know, God should come first in all things. And I know this, right? Yeah. I've seen God work in my life enough.
00:46:28
Speaker
and then your spouse and then your kids. And this has always been, I do personally feel like I've always, well, since my, this marriage, this has always been a thing for me. And I read, and I don't know what book it was. Gosh, I wish I can remember that talked about this because when I read this, this was after my second marriage, but prior, after my first marriage prior to my second,
00:46:54
Speaker
Um, when I was single, I read this book that talked about putting your spouse before your children. Cause I never really understood that. And they go into detail about that. You know, if you can't be a good parent to your spouse, I mean, Oh gosh, you can't be a good parent to your kids. If you, if you and your spouse are not okay. Mm-hmm.
00:47:19
Speaker
And that's so true, right? Is that you, because if not, if you're giving it all to your kids, then your spouse is, that's, there's going to be issues. And then they leave. And then what are you left with? Cause that's been my thing. Like, you know, my kids will eventually move out of our house, but we are together forever. And so it's like, I can't put more effort into one or the other because
00:47:44
Speaker
you know, our relationship is the foundation. And then like you said, we can provide for them. So, and of course God is first in that because then that's the only way we're going to work is if we put him first. So it's that, I know I'm Catholic, so it's like the Holy Trinity, you know, they're talking about like God first spouse kids because that it all kind of works together. If you don't have that kind of heart hierarchy on there, it's just not going to work. It's not going to flow.
00:48:15
Speaker
Yeah. And so, and then, so it's God, spouse, kids, self care, and then work. And he was like, you know, when I tell people this and they're like, well, you know, you have so much work to do and you know, you have so much going on. Like, how do you manage your work if you put that last? And he was just like, you know, because if you schedule out your time and it is, you know, everything, you know, whatever I have to do to be grateful and God and read the Bible,
00:48:40
Speaker
you know, taking care of my spouse or whatever, and then kids.
Self-Reflection in Relationships
00:48:43
Speaker
And he's like, in self care, he was like, if you're left with, you know, four hours in the day to get work done, he's like, I promise you, that's gonna be the most productive four hours you've ever had in your life. He's like, because when you put everything else first, and he's like, and you leave that time, he was like,
00:48:58
Speaker
then there's no time for, you know, scrolling social media or, you know, stopping to go do something else or, you know, just getting, there's no distractions. It is just full on. I got four hours. Like this is like boom, boom, boom. And I was like, dang, like that's very true. And I know this because I also know that I'm the ultimate procrastinator and I know that I am very capable of knocking out
00:49:23
Speaker
10 hours of work in two hours because if I wait till the last minute, so I'm like, you know, like I, it was a little reality. I held that mirror up. And I think that's one thing that at the end of the day in any relationship, yes, it always goes both ways, right? Both people have to participate and be active in all these things. But I think at the end of the day, it's always being able to hold that mirror up and look at yourself and say,
00:49:52
Speaker
what can I do to be better? Be a better person, be a better wife, husband. How can I be better? And that's what's most important is you being able to check yourself, right? Really? Literally. I know I've done it many, many times or even just, you know, when
00:50:17
Speaker
when those arguments happen or when, you know, he says things like, you know, I really don't like when you say this or you do this or it made me feel, and then I have to kind of sit back and be like, dang, you know, like whenever we're having the conversation the other day about the kids and the guilty parenting or whatever, like being able to hold that mirror up and say, man, like I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have reacted that way or said those things or whatever. So
00:50:41
Speaker
It's not being reactive because I feel like that's another like instant response that we have, especially if you've dealt with other relationships in your life that have worked out that way or you felt attacked or it really was coming from a place of like trying to point you out on something you did. We have to retrain our brain to say, okay, this is coming from a place
00:51:03
Speaker
of love and like understanding, like they really just want me to be aware of what I'm doing. They're not trying to hurt me, attack me, you know, call me out per se that, you know, going back to this is only going to make us stronger because if we don't have these conversations or if I don't know, I don't know. And I can't change. I can't do anything to help it.
00:51:24
Speaker
And so you can't come, you can't look at it as if it's just another argument. It's just another, you know, I'm, I can't do anything right. I'm always wrong. It's, it's never, if it's done in a loving way and not condescending things like that, then it will, it can be productive. It can be a productive conversation. Yeah. Yeah. And I think, you know, just like Manny said, like, you know, things have been,
00:51:53
Speaker
things can be very transformative in your marriage and in your relationship. If you put in the work, if you put in the effort, if you keep trying to have those communications, if you keep working at it, things can change. And the more you, the more you try, the more you give it to God and the more you pray on it and put in the work and the time and the effort, things, things can change.
Sharing Experiences for Listener Support
00:52:21
Speaker
You just have to be willing to do that.
00:52:23
Speaker
So again, at the end of the day, we just wanted to open up and share just our personal experiences, things that we've gone through and what we've done to help in our own marriages. And again, to let you know that you're not alone because I know that there are a lot of people that may have issues in their relationship or struggles.
00:52:48
Speaker
and there's nothing wrong with it. It's normal and it's not talked about. Yeah. I don't know. Again, because it's things that happen behind closed doors and we feel like we can't open up and talk about relationship struggles and we should because you need to know the child alone and you know, and if our tips and tricks and things that we've done help you or you think it may help someone else,
00:53:14
Speaker
Please share the show, share the episode. I know this duo was a little longer, but I hope that you're able to take something away from it today, even if it was just one piece of what we said. I know this is something that's, you know, our marriages are very sacred
Encouragement for Reviews and Community Engagement
00:53:30
Speaker
to us and it's something that's near and dear to our heart. So we hope that you
00:53:35
Speaker
taking it all in with open arms and no judgment. We're not perfect, I promise. We're definitely not trying to toot our own horns and say that things are perfect, just that we've done a lot of work and put a lot of work in and always striving to be better, better people and better wives.
00:53:56
Speaker
Again, if you haven't left us a review already, please do. We would greatly, greatly appreciate it. And like I said, share the episode if you like it. Share it with a friend who may need to hear some of these things. Other than that, that wraps up today's episode. We will catch y'all soon. And as always, you are strong, you are capable, and you are worthy. We love you, and we're endlessly rooting for y'all.
00:54:23
Speaker
Well, that's a wrap on today's episode of Finding My Best Self. It's been real. It's been fun. We hope you found a piece of your story in ours and feel a little more inspired to chase after your best self. And don't forget to share this episode with someone who needs a little boost today or a good laugh and make sure to subscribe to our podcast so you never miss an episode. Nothing says owning your confidence like a new outfit from MBS Fitco. Check out the show notes for the link to shop our luxury athleisure. Go ahead, girl. Treat yourself.
00:54:53
Speaker
And if you've got a story to share or a topic you're dying for us to cover, drop us a line. Our email is in the show notes. Just reach out and let's keep the conversation going. So until next time, keep owning your confidence, embracing the chaos. And remember, the best version of you is just an episode away. And again, we love you and we're endlessly rooting for you.