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Embracing the Journey: Nikki's Story of Resilience and Empowerment
7 Plays8 months ago
Join us in this powerful episode of "Finding My Best Self" as we sit down with Nikki Dealvo, a remarkable individual whose diverse roles as a special education teacher, social worker, and loving mother have shaped her profound insights. Nikki opens up about her personal challenges, from battling mental health issues and embracing her identity to navigating infertility and finding strength in her family. Discover how Nikki's journey of healing and acceptance teaches us the beauty of resilience and the power of vulnerability in creating a supportive community.
And as always, remember:
YOU ARE STRONG.
YOU ARE CAPABLE.
YOU ARE WORTHY.
I love you and I’m ENDLESSLY rooting for you!
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Transcript
Introduction to Nikki's Journey
00:00:00
Speaker
I have this pressure to look a certain way and to be a certain way. I never want people to pity me or, I don't know, think like something is wrong. I am just somebody who always tries to put a smile on my face and roll on.
00:00:20
Speaker
It was kind of like when my cousin died, that was kind of like, and then my dog died and my grandma died. I was just kind of like, yeah, this ain't looking good for the home team. This, I am not okay. And it got to the point of just praying to God that I wouldn't wake up. I just felt like I can't go anymore. It was really, really dark.
Podcast Introduction by Mandi and Pam
00:00:47
Speaker
Hey girl, welcome to Finding My Best Self, the podcast where it's totally okay to show up in your leggings and messy bun, because let's be real, that's our uniform here. The only rule is to be unapologetically yourself. And I'm Mandi, and joining me is Pam, the queen of Finding the Silver Linings. We're here to share laughs, tears, and everything in between.
00:01:06
Speaker
Think of us as your new best friends with some stories to tell and wisdom to share. From face palms to victories, we're diving into the journey of self-discovery, wellness, and what it means to truly embrace who you are. So whether you're conquering the world or just trying to find your phone in the black hole, I mean, purse, we've got you covered.
00:01:25
Speaker
Because here it's all about encouraging you to lace up those sneakers or don't, we're not judging. And join us as we explore what is truly means to own your confidence and find your best self. So pour yourself a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and let's get into it.
Meet Nikki DeSalvo
00:01:42
Speaker
Hello and welcome back to another episode of Finding My Best Self. I am your host Pam Rivett as well as Mandy St. Germain and today we have with us Nikki DeSalvo. Hi. I am so pumped to have Nikki on today. Nikki and I actually went to school together. We graduated together and she is someone that I've always loved and looked up to so much all through high school and even just through life and following her.
00:02:12
Speaker
her life story on just a lot through social media because, you know, life and we don't really see each other that often, but just getting to follow along with her journey.
Nikki's Passions and Career Path
00:02:22
Speaker
Nikki is she's married and she is a mama. She has two children. She's a special ed teacher, but she's also been a social worker as well. What she says is where her heart lies. She loves to run. She loves skincare.
00:02:39
Speaker
specifically this vegan snail mucin that I just learned about. But I'm like, what the heck is that? Even that word. She loves iced coffee, which I love to and I know that there's a lot of people it's like you're either hot or you're cold. And there's no in between. I definitely love iced coffee as well. She's also an artist y'all if y'all would see the beautiful paintings and art that Nikki does. She is
00:03:04
Speaker
So talented. Everything that she does is absolutely beautiful. And she also loves music and photography. And all around, she's just amazing. And so she has a lot to share. And it's taken me forever to get Nikki to get on this podcast with me. So I am so excited to have her here today. So Nikki, thank you, thank you, thank you for coming on today.
00:03:30
Speaker
being open to, to sharing the things that you've been through. And I know that this episode is going to inspire a lot, a lot of women because you're going to be specifically talking about topics that we have not covered on this podcast at all. And just to let women know that they're not alone.
00:03:48
Speaker
and the things that you've personally dealt with and maybe are still dealing with today. So I guess we had to jump in. I want to talk about your, just your various professions, because I didn't really know that the difference are really, I guess, between the social, that you're a social worker,
00:04:06
Speaker
or were a social worker and then a special ed teacher. I knew that you were a teacher. I didn't realize that you had done social work too. So just kind of the difference in those two roles for you and what was I guess your driving passion in those fields and what wanted you to contribute into those.
Mental Health and Family Dynamics
00:04:26
Speaker
So I kind of have always known that I wanted to do both in a sense, like my mom was a special ed teacher growing up, but mental health was always my passion even before I think I even realized like I struggled with mental health in general. So after graduating high school, I went to Nichols and I have a degree in
00:04:50
Speaker
child family social services, and I also studied art. And then from there, I graduated from Tulane in the School of Social Work. And I also went to India during that time too, which really like opens up my eyes to just the world that is, and especially like here in South Louisiana, we just see like this small part of like our beautiful culture, but there's so much more out there. And I think that opened my eyes up to
00:05:19
Speaker
just the different struggles and issues that people have. And so after I graduated from Tulane, I worked in a psych hospital for a while and that was wild. It was very interesting. I met lots of different people with lots of different issues, but it just gave me this awareness that some people were coming in with
00:05:47
Speaker
you know, typical, I don't want to say typical, but you know, anxiety, depression issues. And there were some that were dealing with schizophrenia, bipolar, X, Y, and Z. And that just really opened my eyes to how different people are and how beautiful people are and that everyone needs a little TLC no matter how big or small their issues are. And so
00:06:10
Speaker
I worked there for a while and then Alyssa and I, my wife, before we were engaged or anything, we talked about getting married and starting a family. And the psych hospital hours were just not it in running, I mean, like in starting a family. And so that's when I was like, well, let me just see if they will hire a social worker as a SPED teacher. And luckily they did and they gave me a chance and I've been doing it 10 years, but I've
00:06:40
Speaker
I definitely use my social work background as a special ed teacher. Every single day, all day sometimes, I'm a social worker at heart for sure. Yeah. I mean, I can see where those two definitely go hand in hand together though, right? Oh yeah. Yeah. I mean, they still intertwine even though, I mean, it's just a matter of, because what grade do you teach or do you teach all grade levels? I do high school. Okay.
00:07:08
Speaker
Yeah, so I mean, it's just a matter of, I guess, with social work for the most part, I guess, especially in a hospital, I'm sure a lot of what you deal with is older adult people. I'm assuming, look, I don't know anything. I kind of did all age ranges, honestly, but it was mostly adult, yes, but every now and then I would get a kid or a young adult and I knew that's kind of where my
00:07:32
Speaker
Passion LOD was working with kids and especially high school age. I love them. They are crazy and all the things that everyone thinks that they are, but they are my, they're my love. I love them so much. So even as a social worker, if I would ever get back into social work, I would want to do high school kids. I just, I love them so much.
00:07:54
Speaker
Well, and if anything, Nikki, I think that's such a gift for them that they may not even know at this point in their life, right? Because high school is such a vulnerable stage in life. It's hard. It is a turning point for a lot, or it could potentially be a turning point for a lot of kids at that age.
00:08:15
Speaker
High school's just high school. I mean, we all know, we've all been there, what high school is. And it's also at the point where you're starting to have to make big decisions for your life too. So to have someone like you to lean on with that kind of background to be able to help them with things that they may be experiencing, but not know that that's what they're experiencing or not know who to talk to or how to talk about it. I know for me personally in high school, I mean, I wasn't all about going have
00:08:45
Speaker
conversations with my friends or my parents or anybody really about anything like that, that was bothering me that I was thinking or whatever. So I think that's a true gift that they have and that they just may not know. So kudos to you because that's a big thing. And I know I've also seen on social media
00:09:05
Speaker
some of the letters and things that you shared from your students and how much they love you. So that's, that's really, really special. I definitely, I'm on the other side of that. I'm the elementary lover that the big kids scare me. And so I just want all the babies, but I can appreciate that too. Just being a teacher also that we need that we need more of the mental health support
00:09:30
Speaker
regardless if they're regular education or special education. And so I almost wish we had to have multifaceted careers because we are that for every kid where they're counselor, teacher, mother in some sense. And so I think it's just really special that you provide that for them, for
Struggles with Infertility and Loss
00:09:51
Speaker
sure. I know we were talking about high school a little, just over the years with perspectives, you know, being a social worker and then moving into education,
00:09:59
Speaker
but then also facing some things that you personally went through in high school. How do you think that this experience, your high school experiences with certain things you struggle with, has helped your perspective moving into social work and education? So I feel like for as long as I can remember, I've always felt, I mean, I'm the oldest child, oldest girl, oldest granddaughter, niece, all the things.
00:10:28
Speaker
I think for so long, for as long as I can remember, I've always felt this pressure to be perfect. I had to make the good grades. I had to be popular. I had to look a certain way, X, Y, and Z, and I think that really
00:10:45
Speaker
kind of, I don't want to say the word triggered, but I guess triggered. This is something that I haven't, nobody really knows about me, but I really struggled with having an ED disorder. Probably my junior, sophomore, junior year of high school, because I think for so long I was, I felt pressure in all those different areas. And I think
00:11:06
Speaker
food was like the one thing that I felt like I could I could control if that makes sense. All the while my parents were getting a divorce and just like the pressures of high school in general like we just said like so many kids so many of us have all gone through so many different things in silence. And I think that helps with being a social worker and a teacher
00:11:30
Speaker
too like because I think I suffered in silence for so long and I didn't even realize that I was suffering in silence until almost now honestly like my healing journey through everything else I've been through like I think I've had this awakening I guess of all the like layers and I mean we've all had childhood trauma right some way darker and deeper than others but we've all gone through things and I think
00:11:58
Speaker
going through the other things that I've been through in the last five, six years of my life really opened my eyes to all those other layers that I went through back then. And I think if I can not save, but if I can just like help them see that like it's going to be okay. This is what you're going through. Let's talk about it. Let's feel it. And like, let's, let's get over that hurdle. Like if I'm doing a one person, like that person was me back in the day. And so like,
00:12:29
Speaker
I don't know, I just want to be that for somebody else so that they're not struggling as much as, you know, you already do in high school. Right. Yeah. And it's very kind of, so it's very much what you said is that in silence, that you're struggling in silence because for the very reason why we're here today, because even as much as you say that we struggled in silence in high school, because I mean we did, right?
00:12:56
Speaker
we take that with us as adults. And it's at some point when we have those awakenings, those aha moments, or just finally having enough wisdom and knowledge to be able to put it together and say, okay, that's what caused or triggered those things in me at that time.
00:13:18
Speaker
And now I can see it and now I can recognize it and now I can help myself to A, be okay with what was in the past and move forward and grow from that and even continue to heal and move forward in
00:13:36
Speaker
in now years, right, in today. And then like you said, being able to help and to share so that way people know that they're not alone and that it's okay and everything is going to be okay and how to be able to get through those things. So you talked about you and Alyssa and that y'all have been married for, is it eight or nine years? It'll be nine years on Monday. Oh, happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. Early anniversary. That's exciting.
00:14:05
Speaker
So you and Alyssa have been together for nine years and y'all do have two absolutely beautiful little girls. They're so freaking cute. Thank you. But I know that you said that you also had mom and dad were getting a divorce in high school. And so there was just a lot going on there. I don't know how much, if there was any family support there and
00:14:28
Speaker
You know, how did you because I mean we all know right that it's come a long way in marriages and stuff like that and people accepting of and being okay with and I know as a whole right globally or especially here in the United States, but you know with your family was there any support there and how did you and Alyssa deal with that time in your life and which strength did you find in each other during those times? So I have to say I am
00:14:55
Speaker
so lucky and fortunate that my family, like my parents, my brother, my grandparents, I have a big family on both sides, have shown me nothing but like unconditional love. And in turn has shown Alyssa unconditional love and so much so like Alyssa and I, because it wasn't legal here yet. The year that we got married,
00:15:22
Speaker
Alyssa and I went to San Francisco to get married and my grandmother allowed me to wear her wedding dress. If that doesn't show you the love and support, so I have to speak on my family, so, so, so grateful, because I know I am not the norm, unfortunately. And for Alyssa's family, a lot of them did not come to our wedding.
00:15:50
Speaker
In San Francisco and we did have like a reception here to celebrate with people who couldn't Like my grandmother who couldn't travel they didn't speak to us some of them were not the best to me they didn't really even get a chance to know me and So it was a real struggle for a really long time Within it we've been together 15 years total we've been married will be married nine years and so within that those 15 years I
00:16:17
Speaker
It was definitely a challenge to stay together sometimes, even though we loved each other and we couldn't understand. We're just two people who fell in love. I mean, we were both born and raised Catholic. We were both born in the church. We understand all the things, right? And even God, we pray with our kids. We're very spiritual people.
00:16:40
Speaker
We just happened to fall in love and we just couldn't understand why there was such pushback and lack of support from anybody, especially her family. Yeah. And it wasn't all, but it was enough that it really has affected her. Still to this day, sometimes she struggles with it. But I think at the end of the day, we had to just look within ourselves and separately, we had to look within ourselves and
00:17:08
Speaker
you know, like, this is just who I am. I am just somebody who wants to do good in this world and just happen to fall in love with her and vice versa, kind of chose each other and said, you know what, at the end of the day, like, we make each other happy. And so we're not gonna allow anybody
00:17:27
Speaker
to stop us. And then that's kind of when we were like, okay, we're going to get married and we're going to start a family and we're going to try to raise these babies to just be good people and to love people for who they are. Yes. But it's still something that she still struggles with and me too, because I mean, we've been together for so long. Like I want nothing more for her to feel supported. But we've come a long way. We've come a long, long way.
00:17:54
Speaker
Yeah, I feel like this goes back to what we were talking about with like it being harder when it's family, you know, like we've we've talked about things before just other situations and You know, of course you always are going to go through these struggles, but it makes it almost harder when you have to Separate that from family because you do want them to be a part of it but there's almost there's only so much you can do and then it's on the other person like
00:18:20
Speaker
This is my life. This is what we're doing. And if you want to be a part of it, that's what we want, but we can't force you to feel a certain way. And so we're going to move on with our life and hope and pray that you come around and be supportive. Yeah. And I think for me, I've always been somebody, not that I've, let's be real,
00:18:41
Speaker
I do care about what other people think, which is why it took me so long to agree to come to this podcast. I just hope that I just give off love and light. I want the best for others and I want that reciprocated for me. And when I realized that some of her family members, and like I said, not all, because I'm sure somebody's going to listen to this, but they weren't giving me a chance to get to know me or what I believed in or what I
00:19:11
Speaker
while I was in school or like any of that, I kind of had to just accept like, okay, this isn't about me and I just have to make me happy. And I have to make sure that Alyssa is safe, feel safe and secure and that she is happy. And then, you know, I think that's when we kind of like, we're okay. Like this is our life. And if they, like you said, if they want to be a part of it, they are more than welcome, but we're gonna kind of just like move on, you know?
00:19:39
Speaker
That took a long time to get there, but it's just the accepting. It's for you to accept, like you said, that it's not me. It has nothing to do with me and who I am and not just you, but Alyssa as well. Like for both of y'all to be able to say, it's not me, it's them. And I just have to accept that and just move forward with my life. Yeah.
00:20:01
Speaker
It's that part that's hard. It's hard to get to that point, but ultimately, if with anything in life, that's just how we have to be able to get to in any situation or scenario with any person, family or not, is it just doing what's best for us and just letting go of what other people think or have to say are their feelings.
00:20:27
Speaker
because it's not your feelings. I mean, their feelings, what they think has nothing to do with you whatsoever. Yeah, so. Well, I know you talked about your two babies and I know that there was a bit of a journey that came along with that with facing infertility and loss. So with those experiences, how do you think that you got through that with finding strength in those sadder, darker times?
00:20:56
Speaker
Oh, God, that is such a loaded question. I know. I will say this, Nikki, because I didn't know all of that. And for those of you listening, before anyone comes on the podcast, there's a list of questions that we send to them for them to be able to answer. So we could get a little bit of insight to help us to better guide the interview.
00:21:19
Speaker
And so like I said in the beginning, I went to school with Nikki and I knew her and I've always followed her and stuff on Facebook and kept up with her and all of this, but there's just things that I was just very
00:21:30
Speaker
you know, a surprise to hear because I didn't know and this is one of them. So because I do remember I do believe at some point you had shared, I think about the miscarriage. Yeah, but just the whole process and exactly all what you had going through, and I know you'll talk about it, the whole process of what I didn't know all of it. So I'm just very interested to see like how that process was for y'all and what y'all went through and then to even relating back to with family, right and how
00:22:00
Speaker
all of that came about because I'm sure y'all faced that even more so at that point. Yeah. So this is a little bit of a difficult grief in general is hard to talk about, right? And I've gotten multiple levels of grief, not just with like the infertility and the miscarriages, but like all the things in between. And I guess I'll kind of like touch on that, touch on all those things a little bit. But you know, after Alyssa and I got married, we always said we wanted to have babies.
00:22:30
Speaker
And so it was kind of like, I mean, God says like jokes on you. You know, our plan was she carry then I carry then we adopt, right?
00:22:41
Speaker
that just didn't happen at all. But before we tried to have a baby, we got married, my grandmother passed away from ovarian cancer. And it was in that moment, it was like we got married, she died. And then it was we were out, whatever. And we were both like, what is the point of waiting? We've been together so long, like, we just expect because Alyssa was so wonderful. And
00:23:10
Speaker
was with me through the entire process of watching my grandmother suffer and pass away. And she was like, you're right. Like, what are we waiting for? Like, let's just do it. Life is way too short. So we're like, okay, you'll go. Alyssa is older and want to stay older. She's six months older.
00:23:27
Speaker
Like let's go. But that was just our plan. Like she'll go first because she's older and then I'll go and then we'll adopt because we've always wanted three kids. So we had Edie and when right after Edie turned one, we were like, okay, we're going to have these babies close together. Let's just do it. Go to the doctor. And I
00:23:54
Speaker
got probably the most like heartbreaking news, you know, like that this is not going to be easy. Like your body is not working right. I was basically, I had low ovarian reserve. So that just means like I was already like in menopause essentially. Oh wow. And this was going to be work. And so Nikki, did you know you had no idea of any of that beforehand? Like
00:24:19
Speaker
No, I had none. No symptoms. Like you didn't like had no, like something's going on like nothing. No. And honestly, I mean, this is probably a little bit TMI, but like, I thought I was gonna be, um, I thought it was gonna be easy for me because I was very regular, you know, like, you know,
00:24:38
Speaker
I was healthy, I work out, I have celiac disease, so I'm gluten-free, I'm a vegetarian, I eat health, all the things. All the things. All the things that you think makes a fertile woman. No, jokes on me, right? God's like, psych. I went through a lot of fertility treatment, some of which I still struggle with.
00:25:07
Speaker
because it was very expensive. It took such a toll on my body, emotionally, physically, mentally, all the things. And that's just like aside from like just the fact that I had fertility issues, like I was in menopause trying to have a baby, putting all this stuff in my body and it's so expensive. I didn't even know what was happening. Honestly, like at some point,
00:25:35
Speaker
I was going through the motions because I was just so numb. Thank God Alyssa, she gave me every shot, every injection. That's just who she is. She's a planner. She's a psychologist, so she's a sciency person. She loves figuring out all that stuff. I am the complete opposite. I was just like, just whatever.
00:25:58
Speaker
And through that infertility, I had two miscarriages and I really struggled with that. It's still hard for me to talk about sometimes because I had two miscarriages and then we still wanted to grow our family and my wife. Very, very grateful that she is able to get pregnant, stay pregnant and have babies.
00:26:21
Speaker
So that second pregnancy with Etta was very difficult for me living with somebody who was pregnant and experiencing all the things that I never got to fully experience. And just this realization that I wasn't going to have biological babies. I wasn't going to get to look into the eyes of babies that were mine. Like that's something that I still look at Edie and Etta and I still am like,
00:26:47
Speaker
but where's my blue eyes? That's just something that I, I don't know, I'll probably always struggle with a little bit. But when Etta was born, it was weird because she was born. And not that she healed me by any means, okay? Because that experience was something that I will struggle with forever in some aspect. I am actively healing all day, every day. Doing this podcast is,
00:27:16
Speaker
I know it's already healing for me just being able to talk about it with y'all. But her being born and her being so attached to me from the beginning, I forget that her and Edie, I forget that they're not biologically mine because we did create them together. It's a very unique situation. They are both my babies just as much as they are Alyssa's, but I don't know, her being born was like,
00:27:46
Speaker
it doesn't really matter like that they're not my DNA, you know? And also like we named both of my girls names are named after my grandmothers and they, all of my family has my last name. And so like that also like kind of helps me just like, they are mine. Like these are mine, they're ours, whatever, but I don't know. They just,
00:28:13
Speaker
They remind me, and I'm not somebody who believes that everything happens for a reason because there are some really bad things that happen to people that's not fair. However, I do feel like if I wouldn't have gone through what I went through, Etta would not be Etta. I wouldn't have that second, Edie would be Edie, but there would be no Etta. And together, they are just the funnest little bunch of hot mess
00:28:41
Speaker
sassy girls who I couldn't even imagine my life without. So I think it happened the way that it was supposed to happen, even though it was definitely one of the hardest parts of my entire life. And it put me in a very, very dark space that I'm sure we'll talk about. But yeah. Yeah. Nikki, that is...
00:29:08
Speaker
Just for you to open up about that alone means a lot because I personally know and I'll also know that I don't know a lot of women who have gone through that and struggle with that thought like you had of, you know, why not me?
00:29:28
Speaker
Because I know that that's probably the thought that went through your head is why not me? Or is that in the imposter syndrome that really kicks in of why am I not good enough and what did I do wrong and that I'm being punished? Because I know that I've personally had those thoughts and not with infertility, but just with other things in life that didn't necessarily go my way or how I hoped or
00:29:53
Speaker
what they maybe they went that way for everybody else but not for me and that's the thoughts that creep in as you know and they're not true you know those thoughts aren't true and I know but it takes growth and understanding and accepting of to get through those times and even like you said it's you know there's things that
00:30:13
Speaker
happened that just aren't fair. And it's things that we, even though that we may accept them and move forward past and heal from, right? That they're still always there. Yeah. Because you can't make them go away. And I know I've said that over and over and over again, there are things that have happened in my life that I'm just like,
00:30:35
Speaker
I'm okay. And I've, I've come to terms with, and I've accepted, I've forgiven, I've healed, I've, and I've moved forward, but those things will always be there. Yeah, for sure. Like you can't, like if I, if I wish to God and pray to God that I could have like a magic eraser and just like, it's gone, like, and just erase it from my brain and my memory and just be like, it never happened. And you can. So I totally get that. And I feel that. And I know a lot of
00:31:05
Speaker
I know a lot of other women do as well. I think that with grief too, because I'm thinking of just the whole timeline. I can't even imagine because I know it sounds like your grandma was a huge part of that whole process for you. To lose her and then move into that, I'm sure where that dark, those moments come in because it's just one thing after another and you're just questioning.
00:31:34
Speaker
you know, the why or how am I going to get through this? And, and so I just, just trying to, I think a lot of people can relate to that, that when things happen all at once or back to back, that you find yourself kind of going into these darker moments and, you know, maybe pulling things out to, to get through it. And I know Alyssa was there for you and I can only imagine how much support that, that that played in your healing process, but
00:32:03
Speaker
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00:32:27
Speaker
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00:32:45
Speaker
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Healing Through Art and Interests
00:33:03
Speaker
I do want to know, is that whenever you kind of turn to art or to running or all these other things, was it after that process or through the process that kind of helped you get through it?
00:33:14
Speaker
So it's funny that you say things just pile up and pile up and pile up. It kind of was the last five, six years. I feel like I've experienced lots of loss and been through the stages of grief more times than like
00:33:34
Speaker
I wish I had experienced my, I like watched my grandmother fight and die from ovarian cancer. And then I went through infertility. I lost two babies. And with, with that, like I, we were able to find out the gender, which they were both boys. So this like grief of, I've never like wanted to be like a girl mom or a boy mom or anything like that, but just like knowing that both of these
00:34:01
Speaker
babies were boys. I'm like, Oh my God, like, Alyssa, we're going to be born. Like, you know, just all these things. And then just like losing that. And that was like kind of a whole nother grief besides like the other stuff. And then my cousin who was my very first best friend, she's the mother of my God child, unexpectedly passed away. And that was probably on top of
00:34:26
Speaker
all the things that I had just talked about, then my cousin Megan passing away. And then I had a hysterectomy, a full hysterectomy. Like I have nothing, nothing left down there, which is a whole nother set of loss and grief that I was not expecting for me to feel. And then my other grandmother passed away and my dog passed away. And I feel like I'm definitely missing something here that I've experienced, but it was just like so much loss and grief.
00:34:56
Speaker
and just darkness that consumed me for a long time. I think the only person who really probably actually knows like the depth of like the abyss that I was in for so long would be Alyssa because she lived with me because, you know, like I said, for my childhood, like I have this pressure to look a certain way and to be a certain way. And I never want
00:35:25
Speaker
people to pity me or I don't know, think like something is wrong, right? Like I am just somebody who always tries to put a smile on my face and roll, roll on. But that
00:35:38
Speaker
It was kind of like when my cousin died, that was kind of like, and then my dog died and my grandma died. I was just kind of like, yeah, this ain't looking good for the home team. This, I am not okay. And it got to the point of just praying to God that I wouldn't wake up. I just felt like,
00:36:01
Speaker
I can't go anymore. It was really, really dark, really, really dark. And then Alyssa was finally like, we have these babies that like you, because I went through, like you had said, Pam, you feel like, why me? I'm not worth it. All these other things. And it was like my brain was just like,
00:36:25
Speaker
You're not meant to be a mom. You're not meant to be a teacher. You suck at art. Like just all, like all these things, you know? And so Alyssa was like, let's do something. Like you are a social worker. Like you know mental health. Like what, what are we doing? And so it took me taking days like breath by breath. Like just literally some days I would just get out of bed and being like, okay, I am winning today because I got out of bed.
00:36:53
Speaker
and I got my kids dressed and I had coffee and I'm going to work. And then I finally accepted that I do need some help. I need to go see a therapist. I need to go see a doctor. Maybe I need to get on an antidepressant, just something.
00:37:11
Speaker
And so it was like those little things that I just forced myself to do, I guess, because I had no energy to do any of it, but it was like this conscious effort to make those choices every day, every hour sometimes. And then it was Edie and I.
00:37:35
Speaker
She was like, mama, can we paint? And I was like, okay, sure. And I'd picked up a paintbrush or anything forever because, you know, imposter syndrome is a real big thing for me. Like, I am not good enough to be doing all this, but okay, Edie. And then I painted something and it was so like,
00:37:55
Speaker
it was way more therapeutic and it was actually like, oh, this ain't half bad. Look at that. I did that. Okay, all right, that's cool. And so I think me, her pulling me out of that and being like, mama, let's paint. Because I have all of my grandpa's paints because he was this phenomenal painter. And so I used to paint with him growing up. And so I had all of his stuff and he was just like,
00:38:22
Speaker
She was like, mama, let's pull out Paw Paw's paints. That's going to make us both happy and we're going to do it. And that really was like the stepping point of like just choosing to paint something, anything with my at the time, like four, I think she might've been four at the time, four year old. Like that really helped me more than I like ever realized that it would have helped me. I just like talked a whole lot, but
00:38:50
Speaker
No, I'm so glad though. I feel like some, go ahead, Pam. No, go ahead. Go ahead. I just feel like so many people can relate to that. And like, we've talked about at the beginning that this is stuff we haven't talked about. And I know even Pam and I have had conversations about certain situations within each other that you just don't, you don't say, or it's almost that thing, like check on your happy friends. Cause that's a hundred percent what it is. Like.
00:39:19
Speaker
There's so much that people are dealing with that you just don't talk about it or, or, you know, a lot of it's like, okay, well it's not everyone's business either, but at the same time, that doesn't mean that these happy, outgoing people aren't struggling on the other side of it. And that's why I'm so glad that you brought it up because I do feel like everything that you just said, someone can relate to it in some capacity. Yeah.
00:39:46
Speaker
I'm like, I'm sitting the whole time. Hey, I'm like fighting back to yours. I know me too. With you. Well, for you and with you, Nikki, because it's like, I want to look at you and say, like, I hope that you know that you're not alone because I have been in that same place. Like I know exactly what you're talking about and exactly what you were feeling of that feeling of
00:40:09
Speaker
having to make yourself do things that you have no desire to do because all you want to do is die. Like I know what that feeling is more than I ever want to, you know, that we ever want to talk about, right? Because I know, I know what that feeling of is to literally
00:40:31
Speaker
ball up in the corner of the room and just say, like, let me die here. Yeah. Like, just take me. Like, I've, I've said, I've prayed about, I've said those exact things. Like, just take me. Like, it's okay.
00:40:45
Speaker
Yeah, I know. I know. So like, and like more than, more than once in my life. And like, that's the kind of things that you're like, I'm not proud to admit that, but like more than once in my life, it's something that I struggle with a lot through like, like different things and different points. And for you, Nikki, like the fact that you had all of those things just like back to back to back to back.
00:41:05
Speaker
like I can only imagine like what that can do to someone to just, it's just like, you're already drowning. And then it's just like somebody just keeps every time you try to even come up for a breath before you can even come up for a breath, push you back down, you know, and it's just that like, I can only imagine what you went through. But I can also say that like, I commend you, Nikki, for pulling yourself out of that, because I know
00:41:29
Speaker
how hard it is to pull yourself out of that deep dark place and to say like, like you said, like I'm doing a good job today because I got out the bed. Yeah. Like it takes so much. And so like kudos to you for pulling yourself out of that and for that little girl, that baby to help her mama to do that. And if that says anything, Nikki of, you know,
00:41:59
Speaker
that she was the one that was chosen by God to put her here to help to pull you out of those moments. That's how you have to look at that, Nikki, because that's the truth. Yeah, absolutely. Like when there is a purpose and a reason, like God put that little baby on this earth because God knew that you were going to need someone at some point to help to pull you out. Yeah. And my girls, like, or
00:42:29
Speaker
I mean, I love Alyssa, you know, but those girls, even when they're driving me nuts and they're running around and they're cartwheeling and dancing and doing all the things that they do all day long, like they are like my reason. Like if they wouldn't have been here, like I don't know that I would have been here to do this podcast today. You know, like they are what drove me to like get up every day.
00:42:57
Speaker
I wasn't always the best mom, wife, person, anything, friend, but they made me, they make me want to be better. They definitely both have saved me multiple times. I said the same thing about Emma whenever I was growing up too, that had Emma not come into my life at the time that she did, I don't know that I'd be sitting here today.
00:43:24
Speaker
You know, that's amazing what children can do and they don't even know it and they're completely oblivious to what they're doing. So I know based on listening to you that you may not think that your painting is all that great, but your painting is absolutely. No, I don't think that. I need you to know that.
00:43:46
Speaker
If, you know, and I'm going to, we're going to share some links in the show notes. If anyone wants to go check out your stuff because Nikki's art is absolutely breathtaking. And so I know that you're also, you mentioned in your questions that you really like to read too. Um, you're an avid reader and I know you, uh, listen to a little podcast listening and stuff. So like, what, what's your favorite theme? I mean, if we can try to lighten the mood a little bit and like, what's your favorite theme and
00:44:15
Speaker
and your books and podcasts, just things that you do for, whether it's empowerment or to just kind of escape, you know, to, to help you with your journey and towards improving and mental health and all of that. Like what do you, what do you lean on?
Finding Positivity and Moving Forward
00:44:30
Speaker
So I, besides like the art and stuff, I run a lot. I'm the worst runner. God, I can, I'm a person who runs. I'm not really a runner. Let me just backtrack. And I recently started working out, I'm gonna shout out Girls Gone Buff in Chalmette. It's a female, mostly female gem and they,
00:44:59
Speaker
have brought out things in me that I never, I just deadlifted 200 pounds. Never in a million years did I think that I could do that, but they have been through their own struggles and stuff, so they just make you want to be your best self physically and mentally.
00:45:18
Speaker
So a lot of times if I'm running and I'm working out, I really love trashy reality TV and I will listen to those kinds of podcasts. Or, you know, my book, I love like a range of books. Like I'll go from Harry Potter to like some self-help, like trauma-based, like let's get you out of this deep hole to, I like a little smut every now and then.
00:45:46
Speaker
To psychological thrillers, to romance. I just love all of it. Because for a while- This depends on the place, right? Yeah, it depends on the place. It depends on what I'm doing. Because I mean, I think for so many of us, we get into this really bad habit of scrolling on social media, on TikTok, on all the things. And so I've really tried to put my focus on, even if it's silly trashy reality TV podcasts or TV shows or whatever.
00:46:17
Speaker
I'm not like- Face and phone. I'm on my phone. If I am on my phone, I'm reading and now Edie's like, what's your reading? What's your books about? Then I'm like, sometimes you can't know that. You're making up stuff. I can't read this one. It's about the unicorn that goes for the rainbow and they all live happily ever after trying to make us something on the spot.
00:46:47
Speaker
That's so funny. Yeah, but I mean, that's true though. I mean, cause I read a lot of different range of books and it's, and even Manny and I have talked about this, like our podcast, what we listened to has evolved and changed over the years. Cause it just depends on what place you were in your life, right? Like what I'm currently feeling, what mood I'm in, what's going on in my life. Like I'm sure, you know, like when you were going through those times of depression and stuff that the books and stuff,
00:47:14
Speaker
the self-help motivational pull you out when things are really good, then you can probably listen to the trash TV or whatever. Or maybe even on days when you're just down and I'm just like, I just need something to make me laugh and take my mind off of this crap for a minute. Like I'm going to go listen to or watch something that's going to make me laugh or whatever. So just whatever you're feeling in that time. It just depends on where I'm at and what I'm doing, what headspace I'm at for sure. Yeah.
00:47:39
Speaker
And I don't watch TV at all, like literally at all ever. But when I do, it is the stupid trashy reality TV shows. Why I can watch that is beyond me. I don't even know. But that is the only thing. Like if you catch me watching something on TV, it's when a new series comes out or a new thing.
00:48:00
Speaker
And I will binge watch every single episode within a matter of two days. And then I'm like, okay, I'm good for the next six, eight months of my life. Like literally ask anybody will tell you that. Like my husband's like, you like, I'm like, I gotta get, he's like, he gives me two days. He's like, I'm gonna give her two days and she'll be done. Cause I'm just like, you just got to bear through. Cause I'm going to watch every single one of them. And then I'm good. Like I just get like my little binge in and then I'm good to go again. Like I got my TV binge. I'm good. It was so funny.
00:48:30
Speaker
Mine's the true crime documentaries on Netflix. I geek out on those all the time. And it's calming, which is kind of alarming, because I don't think that that's supposed to be calming, where you watch that and you're like, oh yeah, this is great, but whatever. I'd have it right there. I read books like that, so I get it. Yes. I don't know what it is. I listen to Crime Junkie podcast, and I do that, and I have to watch when I listen to it, because I was listening to it in the car, and I see Chloe in the back.
00:49:00
Speaker
freaking out. I'm like, Oh, wait, I forgot talking about things you probably shouldn't listen to. Poor kids. I know. And she's like, what happened? I'm like, okay, nevermind. We'll have to do that another time. But, um, well, and going back into just doing things that feel good and just having like a positive attitude throughout everything. Is there any specific habit or moment that you have that kind of like shifts you into just
00:49:28
Speaker
continuing to be positive even in like these harder moments, I guess. I think it depends on the day. Like sometimes, and I mean, I'm in a much, I mean, I still struggle. I think I will always, I will be on my healing journey for the rest of my life, right? But, you know, there's been really dark moments and I like have to look at, like sometimes it takes my girls
00:49:55
Speaker
you know, me just like taking a moment of like, even if it's five seconds to just like give them a hug or like them coming up to me to like pull me back. And then sometimes it's like, ooh, Alyssa's making tacos. I love tacos. Like, ooh, we got ice cream in the freezer. That makes me happy. You know, like, it honestly just like it could be the smallest things like I really enjoy.
00:50:18
Speaker
like a rainy day. Like, and if I'm at home, I can be curled up like, ooh, it's going to rain today and I don't have to go anywhere. That makes me happy. So like, it really just is like, sometimes it's the tiniest thing, but I really try to like, because even on my worst days, there's something always good or positive or even just like not bad that has happened that I really tried to remind myself like every single day, you know, cause
00:50:47
Speaker
If we can't find the good in a day, then what's the point? Yeah. Even for me, it's always on the days. I just always fall back on the I get to. Yes. And not a have to. Yes.
00:51:05
Speaker
because there are some days where I'm just like, today sucked, right? You know, like today sucked. And it's just like, you sit there and you're like, what good even happened today? And sometimes it just has to fall back on the, I get to sit here
00:51:22
Speaker
and have the freedom to sit under in this house on this couch and try to write about what I thought was going to day, you know, like I get to do this or I get to sit here and do these mounds of dishes or clothes or I, you know, I get to sit here and listen to my girls screaming and arguing over something so stupid. Like I get to do that. Yeah. And that sometimes, even if it's just that,
00:51:51
Speaker
If that's all you can come up with is just remembering that and just taking the time and the moment to just recognize that because in the day-to-day life, all of those things just become things. They're just there all the time and we forget how lucky we are to even have those things.
00:52:11
Speaker
have the kids screaming in the background and the roof over the head or the couch that we're sitting on or the dishes that we get to do and stuff. So I think that's, I think that's a lot of two, you know, what you're saying and it's just find the littlest possible thing that you can, even if it's that bowl of ice cream. Yeah. Yeah. I think for me too, like with all the struggles that Alyssa and I both went through to have these two,
00:52:40
Speaker
children who scream a lot sometimes. For me, I say, I didn't think I was going to have this. So sometimes I'm like, I'm just going to let them scream for five more minutes because I prayed for these moments, even if they are driving me nuts, which every parent, traditional, non-traditional, whatever, anybody's raising kids can understand that. But like you said,
00:53:09
Speaker
It's okay if they're screaming because I'm so grateful that I get to hear them scream. And sometimes even if it's rattling my brain, I'm like, I'm so lucky in that moment. That's exactly what you said.
00:53:25
Speaker
Yeah. It doesn't get any better. They will continue to scream at each other. Yes. And you have the two girls. I'm going to make you feel real good about their screaming. You're going to love it for so long. You're going to be grateful for so long because it never stops.
00:53:42
Speaker
It never stops. So my, I mean, Emma, Emma and Audrey at their 21 and 16 and they still to this day, I'm like, can y'all please just be nice to each other? Jesus. Can we just be nice? It doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't stop. Awesome. Awesome. You can't wait to cut a lot more years of being grateful for that screaming. So gosh, Nikki, we've talked about so much.
00:54:10
Speaker
I guess after just cumulative of everything that we've talked about, I know that you spoke on that it's, you're still healing, right? And we're still working through and trying to get through, but it seems that you have gotten to a point where you've kind of found you're happy and
00:54:29
Speaker
a little bit of your purpose in life and but we're still all and i feel like you know even sometimes may always be just in that pursuit of happiness rate and just continuing to grow and find out more about who we are and where we're going in life and i guess what what advice would you give to listeners i guess in just that like what did you do i guess to take that leap into
00:54:55
Speaker
finding you and your purpose and moving forward past all of the hurdles and the triumphs and the hurt and the depression and everything. What lesson did you learn or what exactly in life was it that I guess breaking point and that pushing point for you to just push forward? I think it was just
00:55:19
Speaker
realizing and allowing myself to sit in that darkness even as hard as it was and it still is sometimes I mean, I still struggle. Just like everyone does just some more deeper than others was to sit to sit in it and feel it and accepted that like, this is my story. And like,
00:55:42
Speaker
what am I gonna do with it? You know, am I gonna assault? Am I gonna just sit here forever? Or am I gonna sit in the darkness, feel it, and try to heal from it? And I think once I like accepted like, this is me, this is my story, and we're gonna get down and we're gonna get messy, and we're gonna figure out ways to like, get me back to me. And honestly, like, I still don't feel like I'm fully me again,
00:56:10
Speaker
you know, but I'm definitely at a point of like, I can see it, like it's right there, you know, but it wasn't until I like accepted like, I gotta feel it, I can't just keep, because so much of my life I just shoved it aside. It could always be worse, X, Y and Z, but then looking at it and I'm like, oh, this is some like heavy stuff, let me like, let me just,
00:56:38
Speaker
Let me dig into that. And so once I like accepted that, sat in it currently still feeling it and working through it is when I was like, you know what? It's okay. My whole thing is like, it's okay to not be okay. And once I accepted that about myself is when I really like could feel a shift in my mindset physically, mentally, emotionally, and I'm like able to continue to heal and do the work
00:57:07
Speaker
that needs to be done within myself. To be a better me, to be a better mom, wife, teacher, social worker, friend, sister, daughter, all, you know, the list goes on of all those things, but yeah. I love your answer so much because you just literally laid that out in a step-by-step process, right? It's acknowledging it because not even just, gosh, this covers in so many different topics and not even just life in general, but like,
00:57:36
Speaker
relationships and conversations and everything, but it's acknowledging it, that it's there and not sweeping it, right? We're not just pushing it to the side. It's acknowledging that it's there first and then sitting with it. Mandy just sent me a podcast yesterday. Who was that on that podcast? Jasmine Starr. No, no, no, no. Who was that? We do this a lot.
00:57:58
Speaker
Anyway, one of them, what's her name? That famous artist, the girl you sent me. Oh, dang it. I'm going to find, I'm going to think of it. But she said that like she said, you have to sit in it. And I know that I've personally done that as well, just sitting in it and that like sit with it, feel it, understand it, hold onto it. And then so that, cause you, if you, until you sit with it, you can't work through it. You have to sit with it first. And then.
00:58:27
Speaker
becoming okay with it and owning it and then moving on from there. It helps you whether you're doing it yourself or whether you're doing it through counseling or some other kind of way, but you have to sit in it before you can own it. If you continue to just sweep it and that's your way of trying to own it, you'll never be able to get past it because you haven't really sat in it and felt it and taken it in and just worked through it.
00:58:55
Speaker
Well, I do think that that goes back to even back in high school, right? Trying to even just figure out who you are before even all of this stuff happened. So it's almost like you're having to rewire your thinking from the get-go. And I feel like so many of us go through that because not only are we, we're finally figuring out who we are, but then you're also trying to deal with all of these traumas or situations that have happened along the way and say, okay, well, who I am now,
00:59:25
Speaker
is because of some of these situations, but trying to even figure out who you were before because we did, you know, it's, it's, you put on this front of, I am this person, but deep down you're so many other layers of that, that you have to figure that out along the way. So it's a lot more to dig into than what a lot of us are prepared to do. But I think it's when we do face that and we do kind of dig into that and, and you come out like, okay, this is, this is who I, who I want to be and who,
00:59:54
Speaker
I need to be for myself is really what it is. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Well, if you had to leave one piece of advice or take away from this interview today, what would that be? Well, y'all like this whole podcast is so beautiful because
01:00:13
Speaker
y'all have taken somebody like me who, you know, I still don't have a lot of confidence in myself. Imposter syndrome is real. I'll, you know, say that all day long, but y'all are giving women who have been through a lot, a little, everything in between and just giving them a space to heal and talk about it. So, you know, nobody's alone in just that reminder. And so, um, I just want to thank y'all for, um, seeing something in me to like,
01:00:42
Speaker
ask me to be on here and politely nudging me until I finally hit you. Because I think, I mean, I'm going to take away, I am taking away a lot from this experience. And so I think for any woman, just in general going through anything,
01:01:06
Speaker
just to kind of find your own power to be able to talk about it, not talk about it, write it down, whatever, to heal in any way that is best suited for them, you know, because we're women and we're strong, and we all have to heal from whatever it is that our journey has been thus far. And so, yeah, just finding your power to make that step to be the best version of yourself. And
01:01:34
Speaker
at the end of the day, like it is okay to not be okay. And we just have to figure out a way to navigate that to be better every single day. Yes. Well, thank you. Thank you for that, Nikki. I appreciate that. We appreciate that more than you know. Um, just those words. Okay. Well, we're going to wrap it up. And before we do just again, Nikki, thank you so much for coming on today. It meant a lot to have you here.
01:02:02
Speaker
Um, so thank you. And I know that this episode is going to resonate and help so many women, um, more than I think we even know at this point, but we like to close out all of our episodes with our own little personal saying. So Nikki, what, in your opinion, what does finding my best self, the woman beyond the Cape mean to you? I think I feel like I've like said it periodically throughout the, um, the episode, but like,
01:02:32
Speaker
I kind of feel like it's almost like every woman wears a crown, but really like every woman wears their own cape and we have to figure out what cape that is that's going to bring us the most power to be who they are and to be their best self. And sometimes that takes a lot of digging to heal and have that power to be your best self.
01:02:59
Speaker
you know, as long as we're wearing the cape, we can keep fighting. And that's like the perfect reminder that we as women are fighters and we are strong and that we can do anything as long as we've got, you know, the right people behind us, especially women. Yes. That made me emotional. Yes. That's so good. That was so good. I love that. Yes.
01:03:27
Speaker
Well, Nikki, again, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for coming on today. I hope you know how inspiring your story is going to be, is to me, to Mandy, and will be to a lot of people. And just, I want you to know that you are worthy of
01:03:46
Speaker
all the things Nikki, you're worthy of a happy life and family and just know that you yourself should be able to look yourself in the mirror and say that I am worthy and I am loved.
01:04:01
Speaker
If this episode resonated with you in any way, if you have a friend or a family member who may be going through or has going through any of the similar things that Nikki has been through and you know that they just need to hear this episode, please share it with them. Leave us a review and you can check out. We are going to put in the show notes Nikki's way to find out about her art stuff because y'all have got to see how amazing her art is.
01:04:27
Speaker
And just like Nikki just said, in the very end of her, what finding my best self, the woman beyond the cape means to her, you are strong, you are capable, and you are worthy. We love you and we're endlessly rooting for you. And we'll chat with y'all soon.
01:04:43
Speaker
Well, that's a wrap on today's episode of Finding My Best Self. It's been real, it's been fun. We hope you found a piece of your story in ours and feel a little more inspired to chase after your best self. And don't forget to share this episode with someone who needs a little boost today or a good laugh and make sure to subscribe to our podcast so you never miss an episode. Nothing says owning your confidence like a new outfit from MBS Fitco. Check out the show notes for the link to shop our luxury athleisure. Go ahead girl, treat yourself.
01:05:13
Speaker
And if you've got a story to share or a topic you're dying for us to cover, drop us a line. Our email is in the show notes. Just reach out and let's keep the conversation going. So until next time, keep owning your confidence, embracing the chaos. And remember, the best version of you is just an episode away. And again, we love you and we're endlessly rooting for you.