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The Architecture of Shame: Why We Build Walls Around Our Desires
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Why does wanting submission feel so heavy? Where does the shame come from, and why do so many men carry it like something they chose?
In this episode, I walk through the psychology of kink shame using a framework I call the Architecture of Shame. We explore how walls get built brick by brick around our deepest desires, why those walls are almost always inherited rather than authentic, and what it actually takes to dismantle them safely. I also discuss my new file Unhidden Good Boy as a practical case study in shame dissolution through guided psychological surrender.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'The Slut Next Door'
00:00:07
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Welcome to the Slut Next Door podcast, where we dive deep into desire, unravel kinks and fetishes, and explore the deliciously naughty side of self-discovery.
00:00:25
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I'm Beatrix Vale, an erotic audio creator, and your guide to all things kinky and curious. So let's begin.
Societal Pressures and Self-Perception
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I'm willing to bet that there's a weight some of you carry. And it's the weight of wanting something were taught not to want.
00:00:55
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Of feeling something that lights you up inside while some inherited voice whispers that it makes you weak, wrong, or broken.
00:01:08
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So today, we're going to talk about where that weight comes from, how we build walls around our desires brick by brick, and what it actually takes to set them down.
Embodying Goddess Energy in Work
00:01:22
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Now, before I really get into this topic, I'm going to talk about what is currently making me feel like a goddess. This is a segment I do in every podcast episode where I reflect and think about the goddess energy that I'm bringing to my day-to-day life.
00:01:45
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And I've proved to myself that sometimes there are days where there is no goddess energy. So let me explain.
00:01:57
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I am a workhorse. I mean, I just, I can't help myself. And when I reflect back into my life, I can see that I've been this way in every job I've had.
00:02:11
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I just love to work. I love to be productive. I love I love learning things. I love goal setting. love succeeding. i love all the things about working, which sounds crazy. But with my job as an erotic audio creator, creating content is something that I do a lot. And I was getting a bit too psychotic about file creation, um just pushing myself way too far with it. um And I have my reasons, but you know the reasons don't matter. i was just, I was pushing way too far in terms of um content creation on the daily
00:03:01
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weekly, I mean, on the daily for sure.
Coping with Burnout
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And I got a little physically burnt out. Like my body just kind I'm pretty positive. This isn't confirmed by a doctor or anything, but I'm pretty positive that I got, so one weekend i kind of just fell apart. I mean, I like woke up and i I couldn't stay up and I just slept and slept. I i think I slept 20 hours within 24 hours and there was nothing else wrong with me. I didn't have, you know, any other symptoms.
00:03:38
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And i really do think that my body was forcing myself to take a break. Because I'll be honest, doing this type of work never feels like work. You know, opening up DMs, being social, getting on social media, writing scripts, recording them, all these things that I do...
00:04:03
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none of them feel like work. They feel fun and they feel enjoyable. And I was finding myself really not shutting down at the end of the day. i was still kind of locked into opening um social media, to answering messages.
00:04:22
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And i I was burning myself out. And just the amount of content that I was pushing out is insane. So I i had to talk with myself and i'm I'm like, okay, we're going to stop doing this.
00:04:42
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We're going to stop. I made a blog post and it was very therapeutic for me to do that too because it just physically represented that this is what I'm doing. Like if I make this blog post, I have to stick with it.
00:04:59
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you know it's It's making something a reality. And I told myself, okay, we're only working on one hypnophile and one non-hypnophile per week. That's it.
00:05:11
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You're not doing anything else during the week in terms of content creation. Now, I still do the podcast and I still do, you know, personalization, stuff like that. But what I'm talking about is creating something out of nothing, you know, making a piece of content.
00:05:30
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And so I put boundaries on myself and I already feel so energized going into this week. It's Monday and I'm recording my podcast. Usually usually I'm doing this super last minute podcast. And um either on Tuesday, sometimes even the morning of Wednesday when I release the podcast. um And yeah, i just I just already feel energized. And that is some goddess level shit right there. um Just putting the boundaries on myself.
Respecting Self in Business
00:06:05
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stepping in. And I also told myself too, i i put on that CEO hat. If you've never heard me talk about this, um you know, with my business, yeah, it's a spicy business. It's porn, you know, but it's a legitimate business. And I really, everything really changed for me for the better whenever I saw myself as a CEO.
00:06:35
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So i was kind of talking to myself and I'm like, listen, you are a CEO. Okay. And if I am the CEO, I don't treat my talent the way I've been treating myself.
00:06:49
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I would respect the talent. I would make sure they're rested. i would make sure that they have the proper you know work hours and breaks and such. And Yeah, it just was an eye opener for me.
00:07:04
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um So that is currently making me feel like a goddess being able to not only take control of my good boys out there, but also take control of myself because I can be quite... a wild woman.
00:07:21
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I can be. But to rein in the the wild woman is is goddess level stuff. So let's hop into this podcast topic, which i am I'm super passionate
Overcoming Shame in Sexual Desires
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about.
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about the that topic of shame and especially shame around our kinks and our sexuality. So let's start with something personal, okay?
00:07:51
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I want you to really think about the last time that you felt shame around a desire. And I'm not talking about like embarrassment or awkwardness. I'm talking about like real shame, like the kind that makes you want to hide, to like perform normalcy while that essential part of you starves in silence.
00:08:28
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And a reason I might feel so passionate about kink shaming and squashing, helping men squash their own shame is because I've kind of gone on this journey myself in my 20s, but I kind of didn't figure it out until my 30s, to be honest.
00:08:50
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But in my 20s, I definitely learned that I am a sexual woman. Like I i feel like my 20s was an era of... realizing that I had this voracious appetite for sexuality and for kink. And i spent a long time feeling ashamed of that. I felt that shame. Yeah, I did feel embarrassed, but it it was more shame. And i what
00:09:22
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I call it shame because if I was just embarrassed about it, I wouldn't be doing it. I would do it. You know, I would explore these sides of myself and then feel super shameful about it.
00:09:34
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And in my 30s, I woke up and I think I just gained enough wisdom and enough insight to say, you know what?
00:09:48
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This isn't bad. this is This is me. you know This is something inside of me craving something, needing something.
00:09:59
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And that is when my life changed. That is when i became... the woman I am today, truly. And so for a lot of men and my audience, I see that shame comes up definitely around submission, like submitting, around the desire to kneel, to obey, to hand control to someone else and then feel relief and not surrender.
00:10:35
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And I think that there's this cultural narrative that's very pervasive that says that male strength is, you know, self-contained and self-directed and never softens.
00:10:51
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So, you know, when what I see is when a man feels that genuine, like body deep pull toward submission, if starts to feel like this contradiction, like they should not be feeling it, even though they know inside that it's something they need to do.
Inherited Shame and Societal Norms
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It's something they want to do.
00:11:17
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And here's what I find fascinating And what I can recognize in my own journey that I mentioned earlier, the shame doesn't usually come from personal experience. It comes from inheritance,
00:11:36
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from these bricks being mortared into place by voices Way back in our past, you know whether that come from your parents, your peers, media, some of us religious things, or for you men, the locker room culture.
00:12:02
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And i think for men, you you absorb these messages about what a man is, what a man wants, and what you're allowed to feel as a man.
00:12:17
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And then so when you absorb those messages, you started building a wall around that desire that you might have to submit.
00:12:29
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So you put the bricks up so it can be like put away, protected. Let's just shove it back. In the back of the closet, we're going to put some ah bricks of...
00:12:45
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empty boxes around it, whatever. um and yeah, it just gets pushed back there. so I want to walk you through a metaphor that I have been developing because for me, metaphors matter. i love when we can connect something to a more deeper, complex thing because I feel like it gives shape to to things that otherwise just feel way too
00:13:18
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you know, vague to touch. So if we're thinking about the shame and internal desires for certain things, you can imagine there's this wall inside of you.
00:13:34
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And you can imagine it's like heavy and it's a very deliberate structure. And over time, it's been built brick by brick. Like you stacked it higher and higher and higher.
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And then each brick is a belief. Maybe one brick, for example, might come from a parent that says,
00:14:02
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you know Submission is weak for men. Maybe something from media you know and culture. Another brick says, wanting something like this makes me pathetic.
00:14:16
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Another brick would say, real men don't need to obey. And then another brick says, I should be able to handle everything alone don't need help from a woman, blah, blah, blah.
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And so this wall that's built, it was built not because you're ashamed of yourself. It was built because i think at some point hiding it felt safer than exposing it.
00:14:52
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And so the wall was kind of like this survival architecture. It protected you from possible punishment or from exclusion or from fear of being seen as something you're not supposed to be.
00:15:17
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But here's what happens over time. See, the wall doesn't just keep others out. It keeps you, part of you in it.
00:15:31
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And it blocks sunlight because it's so high. it muffles connection. And i think worse, it stands between you and the exact relief that you crave, which would be the relief of surrender or the relief of being seen for the first time or being able to to put...
00:15:59
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All that pressure down for a moment, handing that weight to someone who wants to carry it. And I can't tell you how much I see this in my work with men. And I'm talking intelligent, emotionally aware men who have spent years, sometimes even decades, maintaining this structure that exhausts them.
00:16:28
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and like for some of them, there's this whole cycle of relapse behind it too. And then I see that they don't even realize really how tired they might be of hiding it, of building that wall and keeping it up until someone offers to hold the container or to help them remove that wall.
00:16:58
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Until someone says, like someone like me might say, you don't have to keep this up here. Not with me. You know, you don't need to pretend.
00:17:09
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So, you know, one of the most liberating realizations in my own journey was understanding that shame is rarely personal truth. And that, again, it's just so fascinating to me. And then for me, also became very liberating because when you finally own it, it's like waving that freak flag. It's like just just personal freedom. But, you know, the shame it's is often...
00:17:46
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installed and and they are they can be from voices that aren't even that aren't even like in your life currently. Like for example, if you grew up in a religious household and maybe decades down the road, you don't even practice religion, for example, or it's from an old family member that you don't really talk to anymore but their voice is still like controlling you. ah That's super fascinating to me because I think when you really think about it, like what if you hold shame around submitting and you are identify as a man who does want to submit at certain points to him to a woman in sexual settings, if you really think about when did you actually decide that it was wrong?
00:18:39
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Like, can you locate that moment when when you put your foot down and said, this is wrong? Because I think for most people, it's not a decision.
00:18:53
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It's rather like a thousand small messages compressed into single heavy brick that isn't even yours to begin with.
00:19:07
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So again, if I were to bring this back to my own journey, you know, when I was a young adult and realizing I had a the sexual appetite, ah if you want to call it high sexual energy or urges to do something that quote unquote isn't normal.
00:19:27
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Where did I get that from? Well, I got that probably from parents, religion, society, say see, a woman's journey is a bit different, but I'm sure there's a lot of similarities. But, you know, for me as a woman, we're not supposed to be slutty.
00:19:48
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We're not supposed to be sexual. We're not supposed to, you know, um just be crazy about sex because if we are, we're sluts and whores and not in the good way. um you know And so where does that come from? That didn't come from me. i didn't make that decision.
00:20:10
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Other people did. So I think the work of dismantling shame, in my view, starts with identification. Right?
00:20:22
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So like if we're going back to the metaphor, naming the bricks, even to get it even more metaphorical, like feeling the texture of that brick.
00:20:37
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And what I mean by that is really understanding where those bricks come from and what were they originally trying to protect you from.
00:20:49
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And listen, I don't want this to turn into like we're going to blame our parents or blame culture. That's really easy to do. it's It's more about recognizing this exercise, recognizing that your wall did make sense once, and but just now it doesn't.
00:21:10
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And that what kept you safe when you were younger, when that brick was first created, maybe could be like suffocating you in present day or in the future. And I want to tell you about something I created recently.
Tools for Dismantling Shame
00:21:32
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And it's just been on my mind, this topic of shame um because of this file coming out. It's called Unhidden Good Boy, Shame Dismantling and Conditioning.
00:21:47
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And i want to use it as a case study, like as a practical application of everything we've been discussing in this episode.
00:21:59
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So this file is designed as kind of a walkthrough of this wall metaphor. So it's a hypnosis file. So I put the listener into trans and then we locate the wall somatically in their body.
00:22:20
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and begins identifying the bricks. So like where did this one this one come from? Whose voice is in it?
00:22:31
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What is it protecting me from? and then, this the crucial part of the file, the my voice within the file offers permission to set them down.
00:22:45
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And gently, we're not like walking in and crushing walls down, although that sounds really fun. But this was more supposed to be like a very meaningful, ah very intentional practice. So it made sense when I designed this file for it to be something that happens brick by brick because we we didn't want to come in with like a wrecking ball and a tractor anything. um Yeah. And so i in the file, I walk you through just letting them like letting them come down, placing them on the ground.
00:23:26
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And so what I was trying to engineer through this file, through the script was was the exact like psychological conditions where shame transforms into relief.
00:23:42
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So a little alchemy there. um So it's like where the exposure of the shame being all raw.
00:23:54
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So that exposure then stops feeling like danger And then starts to feel like kind of the safest thing you've ever done.
00:24:07
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And so through the script, I use things like, um of course, the cho classical good boy the
00:24:18
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then those kind of turn into not only arousal because most submissive people like to hear good boy or good girl.
00:24:30
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um So changes that not just being arousing to hear but also obedience and then making that surrender feel like chemically rewarding.
00:24:45
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Rather than something negative or even like emotional. And I have to say that what I'm most proud of with this file is that it does not force anything.
00:25:03
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It invites, like, and I did that on purpose in this in the script. Like, I made it to where I'm not taking this brick down for you.
00:25:14
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You're going to do it. you're holding the brick and you're putting it down. I'm just simply, you know, guiding you through that. So then... Like I said, it just kind of invites you to do to do the shame dismantling yourself.
00:25:34
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It lets the listener dismantle their own wall while i watch and and just say you're doing so beautifully and and rewarding you for very being brave and for exposing yourself or exposing that shame.
00:25:55
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And honestly, that container of safety is, in my view, the essential ingredient because sure we can, we can to demolish shame with some confronting. Sure.
00:26:17
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i love a good degradation session where I get to like bring in that type of voice, but when it comes to something inherited like this with shame, that's, that's not the way to do it at all.
00:26:33
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I believe the best way to do it is dissolving it through, quote unquote, contact. So, you know, if you're listening to this file, you're making contact with me through my voice.
00:26:49
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And through that file, I'm someone who sees you completely. and i And I stay and I reward you and I tell you that you're such a good boy and you're doing so beautifully and you did all the work yourself.
00:27:08
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Now, before I leave you, I'm going to ask some reflection questions and you can just sit with it. So what brick are you carrying right now that you suspect might not be yours?
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One that maybe you inherited, absorbed, and then installed it without really examining it.
00:27:41
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And then what might it feel like to set it down, especially and the presence of someone who would not look away?
00:27:53
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And so if you're carrying a not only a brick but a wall, um the wall isn't who you are. It's what you built to survive, who you thought you weren't allowed to be.
00:28:12
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And dismantling it brick by brick is not destruction. I love to talk about architecture, especially recently in my own work. But at the end of the day, we are the architect of our own lives. We get to, for the most part, build our own guardrails, our own walls,
00:28:40
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our own defenses. So if a wall isn't really yours, like you didn't make the choice to have it be there, I don't see what's wrong. And I actually would argue that it's very helpful to look at the wall that you didn't place there.
00:29:01
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The wall that really wasn't built because you wanted it built there. So I'm going to leave it there.
Episode Conclusion and Invitation
00:29:10
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And I want to thank you so much for listening.
00:29:14
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And if this episode touched something in you, please check out more of my work, especially here in my podcast. I know I've done a episode on shame already.
00:29:28
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It truly is something i and' very passionate about. And if you want to experience the file that was discussed in this episode, you can find me at missbeatrix.com or there is a link in the description of this podcast episode. You can go follow and find it there. Until next time.
00:29:53
Speaker
Please be gentle with the parts of you that might be still learning that they can be unhidden. And that's a wrap for this episode of The Slut Next Door, where we dive deep into the raw, unapologetic truths of human desire.
00:30:15
Speaker
If you loved what you heard today, make sure to subscribe and turn on notifications so you never miss a juicy moment. Want to connect with me outside the podcast?
00:30:30
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Click the link in my bio where you can find lots of juicy content and options. Until next time, I'm Beatrix Vale, your Slut Next Door.
00:30:45
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And I'll see you in the next episode.