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TEDx, Gender and the Power of Curiosity
13 Plays16 days ago
In 2023, Kai took to the TEDx stage with a powerful talk on gender and the ever-widening divide in how it’s understood. For some, gender feels simple; for others, it’s layered and complex. Kai’s talk was all about building bridges between those perspectives - bringing people together to learn from each other, reflect on their own experiences, and deepen their understanding through connection and curiosity.
In this episode, El and Kai pull back the curtain on what it really takes to prepare for a TEDx talk - the story behind his message, the countless hours of preparation, and the emotional energy that went into crafting something so impactful. Kai also shares a really powerful story that didn’t make it onto the stage (lucky us!) and the lessons he picked up along the way.
If you’ve ever wondered what goes on behind the scenes of TEDx, or if you’re looking for ways to approach conversations about gender with curiosity, connection and openness - this episode is for you!
Download our Keynote Information Package here!
Check out Kai's TEDx Talk here
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Gender in Focus'
00:00:02
Speaker
This is Gender in Focus. I'm Elle, and each week I sit down with the president of Trans Focus Consulting and all-round gender diversity genius, Kly Scott. I get to ask all the questions you've ever wanted to ask about how to make the workplace and the world a better place for trans and non-binary people.
00:00:20
Speaker
Let's get into it. In 2023, Kai did a TEDx talk and it was so good, but he doesn't talk about it enough. And I've managed to bully and persuade him to talk about it today.
00:00:34
Speaker
so I'm really excited about this one, Kai. How's it going? Great. I'm really excited to talk about it and go a little bit deeper behind the scenes of the TEDx talk.
Purpose of Kai's TEDx Talk
00:00:44
Speaker
Can you but tell us, um like give us an overview of what the your TEDx talk was actually about?
00:00:50
Speaker
So, a in a nutshell, the talk and that I did for TEDx was about trying to resolve the vast differences that exist on the topic of gender, particularly gender diversity, but um really it was about gender. And I recognize that, you know, for some, it's, you know, simple.
00:01:12
Speaker
And for others, there's many more layers. And so I was trying to kind of span that gulf that I see, and chasm that seems to be growing, um and people being quite polarized on the topic.
00:01:25
Speaker
And I've wanted to at least kind of create some sort of bridges across that that chasm ah by telling my own story a bit, but then also offering options for folks to explore themselves, even if they're not trans or non-binary.
00:01:44
Speaker
And I wanted to make the topic more accessible and not so mired in you know politics or you know yeah problematic dialogue, but really just to say it's it's much more simple and we can ah talk across differences, even if we have different definitions of what we think gender is and how it relates to sex and whatnot.
00:02:09
Speaker
And I spoke about this because, i and I wanted to come from like a humble place on it. ah Because I actually started as somebody who was against ah trans and non-binary, ah really the whole 2SLGBTQI spectrum, even though it's my own identity, right? So... It seems quite bizarre. I mean, I start with a vignette of me as a teenager writing a letter to the city of Abbotsford, being quite upset that we just had um a session at school on the topic of 2SLGBTQIA folks and saying emphatically that we should not have had that session. It was a gross, ah bad thing that just happened, right? So, you know, and then later on, I come out as, you know,
00:03:00
Speaker
both queer and ah trans. So not to say that any everybody who is resisting or pushing back against 2SLGBTQIA folks are themselves.
00:03:11
Speaker
ah There could be a few. um But all that to say that you know, we all have a journey on this topic of gender and sexual diversity. And to allow space for that journey to unfold, ah it can take many twists and turns.
00:03:27
Speaker
But really, that what is happening or should be shared from people of the 2SLGBTQI umbrella can be helpful even for those who are not.
00:03:38
Speaker
um And so I give a few examples of that, whether it's in change rooms and washrooms or pronouns. And so I just try to unpack that a little bit ah in the 10 minutes that you have, which is next to nothing.
TEDx Talk Preparation Journey
00:03:52
Speaker
Can I ask you about kind of the process of going through your your TEDx and getting that all set up? um What it was like to actually prepare for that and like the whole process of of that?
00:04:03
Speaker
Oh yeah, TEDxTalks. I'm not sure if everyone is is aware that they're quite an involved process. Well, at least if with TEDxSuri.
00:04:17
Speaker
So there's TED Talks that are quite kind of more involved, but there's also you know these TEDx in these cities and in communities and universities across the world.
00:04:30
Speaker
TEDx Surrey is very invested and have professionals that help prepare folks ah to have such a talk um in terms of not just the script itself, what's what's said, the words, but then how it's conveyed with people.
00:04:45
Speaker
body language and positioning on the the stage and and whatnot. So they, it's to their credit, have like such a rigorous process for how to go through that, that it produces a really good outcome.
00:05:00
Speaker
And ah really hats off to them because this they have professionals who give ah freely of their time. They volunteer, as do we, as the speech um people who are giving the talks.
00:05:12
Speaker
But I just i very much admire that and learned a lot. But it was basically every Saturday for several months, like six months, um like full days, right?
00:05:23
Speaker
um And then you're you're assigned a mentor who then works with you on a weekly basis. um And then we I also connected with two fellow speech writers or TED Talk folks ah who are giving their TED Talks and we practiced together too. So I think all in all, I think ah it was about 150 hours of my time.
00:05:47
Speaker
And i did track that because you know I have consulting software that allows me to track my time. But yes, it was a significant time investment. I see you're a bit surprised.
00:06:00
Speaker
I didn't expect that. I think it's really interesting because I do a lot of public speaking. A lot of it is around education sessions. And those are long, hour, hour and a half, two hours, sometimes three, right, where you can, you know, take the time to develop a theme, a topic or set of topics.
00:06:20
Speaker
ah You can be a little bit more um, ad lib and, you know, change things around. But when it comes to 10 minutes, like you gotta have exactly what you're saying, uh, to be as efficient as possible with the words that you're saying. So there's kind of, you really need to kind of memorize a script, uh, to be able to deliver that.
00:06:40
Speaker
And that takes time. wild Oh my goodness. Yeah. It was probably one of the hardest things I've done. And it yeah was very disorienting as somebody who already does public speaking where I was like, oh yeah, I know what to do.
00:06:53
Speaker
And I was like, oh yeah, I'll just kind of have three points in my head and kind riff on them. And they were like, no, no, no, you gotta memorize. And I was like, oh, okay. um I didn't expect that. Thank you.
00:07:07
Speaker
And memorization for somebody, i I struggle with memory sometimes, and that was really difficult to memorize the script. Yeah, I can imagine.
00:07:19
Speaker
and not have it feel like I'm, you know, in my head. Like I want to be also present with the audience. So yeah, it was interesting. That's wild. Oh my goodness. I didn't know that. If you had like a few key points that you wanted people to really get out of your TEDx, what would you, what would you say it like the the main ones?
00:07:41
Speaker
Yeah.
The Role of Pronouns
00:07:42
Speaker
The one thing, ah just to make it concrete about pronouns, I know people can sometimes be a bit disconcerted or ah wary of pronouns, or even maybe it's like, oh, what's that? That's woke or something like that.
00:08:00
Speaker
um you know I mean, everybody has pronouns, so it's not like sharing pronouns is something new for folks. And some people are uncomfortable by that or they don't quite understand the need for it. So I was trying to explain why it's helpful to share and exchange pronouns.
00:08:17
Speaker
but that we're not forcing anyone to do that. Because I think there's a misconception that, you know, something new is like being foisted upon folks, and they must do it. And if they don't, you know, something dire is going to happen. um And so just kind of unpacking some of those myths, and that it's actually an opportunity to try it out.
00:08:38
Speaker
right, to share one's pronoun and then reflect back, what was that experience like for me? Do I want to continue to do it? Do I not? Why did i respond in that way? um Or, oh, actually helps me and I didn't expect that, right?
00:08:53
Speaker
Like, you know, people who have names um that people don't know how to attribute to pronouns to, ah maybe it's a less common name than they're used to. And that actually helps them, right? Like, so they might be surprised by that. Or my i you know one of my friends has the name Lori.
00:09:12
Speaker
And typically, if it's an email exchange, they misgender him and think he's a woman, right? So he actually likes pronouns and he's not trans, right? So just getting people to realize there's a practical value to new things. And that is just a matter of trying it out, not to have these blockages.
00:09:33
Speaker
ah to something new. Cause anytime I see something new, I'm i'm intrigued, ah you know even if it's not something I need. um I'll give you a really interesting example, or maybe it's not, it's interesting to me.
00:09:47
Speaker
um you know i don't have a scent sensitivity. um i don't really think about it. Maybe sometimes like today I stepped into the elevator and somebody with their perfume, I was just like, oh my gosh, it's like so much.
00:10:00
Speaker
um But on the whole, i'm you know can navigate the world with scents. But I have friends who have scent sensitivities. and so um And they ask you know when they're gonna come over what kind of scents I have.
00:10:14
Speaker
And I've gradually shifted to be scent free. Like I don't have to do that for me, but I was curious about it. And once I started on it, I realized, ooh, this actually really helps me too. i didn't realize how you know there was maybe ah quite a bit of scent and very conflicting sense in my home and that it's kind of brought it down.
00:10:34
Speaker
And so it's interesting that it's in response to somebody else's need, but that actually helped me too, you know? So it's not until you take that journey that you know what that is for you.
00:10:46
Speaker
And that's just inviting people on that journey of trying something new, even if they don't actually need it, but that could be of value to them. Or it could be really clarifying, like,
00:10:58
Speaker
We hear a lot from cisgender women or non-trans women that they try um sharing their pronouns, but it feels like they're overemphasizing their gender in the workplace. Totally fair.
00:11:11
Speaker
Like it's not always a great time being a woman in the workplace. So, you know, but that was really important insight by trying and realizing that and then going forth from there.
00:11:25
Speaker
Right. So, yeah, just trying to illustrate that new doesn't necessarily mean, um ah you know, I need to ignore or resist, but just like being open and curious.
Challenging Personal Assumptions
00:11:39
Speaker
You've mentioned a couple of times in the conversations that I've had with you about how it what you wanted to talk about was bigger than you had time for you only had 10 minutes and you really had to really cut out or reduce what you were saying so what did you leave out that you didn't have time for but were just ah you wish if you'd had longer you would have put in Right.
00:12:03
Speaker
And this is where we get into my one hour TEDx talk. but Just kidding. No, no, no. I won't. be everyone but but Yeah, exactly. ah So and there was one critical point that I wanted to bring in in that I too am working on my assumptions, right? So A lot of the time when I deliver education sessions or a TEDx talk like this, it's talking about allies and how they can work on assumptions they make.
00:12:35
Speaker
But anytime i ask something of another person, i also... bring it back to me to say, hey, are you working on that too? Right? Because that's not fair of me just to be like, go forth and don't do assumptions. And then I'm here assuming till kingdom come, right?
00:12:52
Speaker
So I i One of the stories that I wanted to illustrate this to say, hey, you know I'm suggesting this to you, but I'm also working on this, is a story about an education session that I did in person several years ago, where I went into a room and there was somebody who was in PPE, right? So um that like personal protective equipment.
00:13:18
Speaker
ah you know, a hard hat and all of these things and had tattoos and, you know, various other things. that kind of looked a little rough ah in my mind, right? And i immediately, i will say, i it's I feel a little self-conscious saying this, but I did immediately jump to a conclusion about this person.
00:13:39
Speaker
And I said, ohh boy, I think I'm gonna have to brace myself for you know trouble in this education session. And there's a bit of like armoring that happens when I think those thoughts.
00:13:52
Speaker
And then we proceed with the education session. And then at one point, this person raises his hand and starts to talk. And I was like, oh no, you know how am I gonna handle this? you know you know Just a million things racing through my mind.
00:14:08
Speaker
ah But then he started to share story about growing up and being in ballet and that he was made fun of for wanting to be or doing ballet and was, ah you know, really understands how gender is very limiting and that we aren't free to do whatever we want without recourse or some sort of cost to that.
00:14:35
Speaker
And then he lost friends You know, it was like really touching, beautiful story about, you know, his pursuit of ballet. And it just like, I was corrected in that moment, clearly that I had made a very incorrect assumption purely based on how somebody looked, which is exactly what I tell people not to do ah with trans people.
00:14:59
Speaker
So i was like, I too need to, you know, work on my assumptions and not have it be only based on somebody's exterior. And that goes for trans people, that goes for cis people, and everyone can do it. And it's something that takes a minute to unpack.
00:15:19
Speaker
And so now anytime I see people of all kinds of different things, I, I try to keep a, ah an open, clear mind.
00:15:30
Speaker
This could be anybody, uh, on any type of journey on this topic. And I just want to be open. And then i respond from whatever they say or do.
00:15:42
Speaker
and then we can continue to connect on that. But, that was really a big pivot moment where i was like, oh, I've got to work on myself too. That's relatable. i think I think we've probably all done that to some degree. for sure.
00:15:56
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And I'm so glad that he shared his story ah because it really, i think, probably along with what I was saying, just beautifully illustrated that we are all, or not all of us, but a lot of us can be trapped by societal expectations around gender.
00:16:16
Speaker
And it does a disservice to all of us in that by working on trans issues and other issues, we can start to kind of hopefully free ourselves to pursue what we actually want to And it might look a little different from others, but
Crafting Effective Talks
00:16:31
Speaker
that's okay.
00:16:31
Speaker
So before we go, can I ask you about any advice you might have for somebody who is wanting to deliver something like this, like whether it's a ah kind of keynote or or um a talk in this way, if you had some top advice for everyone.
00:16:46
Speaker
That's a good one. Yeah, there's so much that I could say on this. Certainly being aware of the investment Not every TEDx is set up exactly how Surrey does it.
00:16:58
Speaker
ah They put a lot of, or they expect a lot of time investment, which I appreciate because they want a high caliber. Other cities do it differently. And so just being aware of what the approach that is taken.
00:17:14
Speaker
wherever you're at. ah Also, being able to say something very clearly and concisely and excessively. One of the humbling things is that I can sometimes speak in an inaccessible way, and it really helped me to learn how to say things in a way that ah more people can understand, and just realizing how much of a barrier I was putting up ah between myself and the audience. um So,
00:17:48
Speaker
ah being able to kind of really boil down something that maybe if it's really complex, it doesn't need to be that complex and really simplifying something.
00:17:58
Speaker
Even though, at least for me, it was like, oh, but it is so complex and you should keep it complex. And i'm like, well, for for a TEDx talk, especially 10 minutes, you really can't get it into any detail.
00:18:11
Speaker
And really it's just an opening to then be able to go into detail by connecting on other things, right? whether through Transfocus or you know personally um on social media, whatnot. So not putting thinking that this has to be the end all be all, it's just the beginning.
00:18:31
Speaker
And that kind of takes off some of that pressure of having to pack everything. Because I had packed everything into my talk and it was so dense that people were like, I don't even know what you're saying.
00:18:43
Speaker
and you know And so I was like, okay, I got it. like And also personal stories are very powerful. I certainly share here and there personal stories in my education and the education sessions that i deliver.
00:18:57
Speaker
ah But I went a step further, which was a little uncomfortable. I can be a little bit more ah cautious what I share, especially to what will likely be international audience, right?
00:19:09
Speaker
So just being thinking about how you can share more of yourself in a way that feels still feel safe, right? Especially if it's on maybe more sensitive topic.
00:19:20
Speaker
But that really helps people connect by telling a story. And there is one story and I won't give it away. if you If you've seen it, you know, um if you haven't, I invite you to to see it.
00:19:33
Speaker
But where I talk about a particular experience, that was um pretty tough. So, yeah. I'm going to add that talk to the show notes. You should definitely check it out. It's very good. ah Kai doesn't talk about it enough.
00:19:45
Speaker
I know. i I can be bad at promotion.
Engagement and Offers
00:19:51
Speaker
Why can everyone find you on social media, Kai? Yes, we're on all the different platforms, whether LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and Threads.
00:20:04
Speaker
What if people want to hear a bit more from you in their workplace, Kai? Absolutely. So we do do or I do keynotes as part of that kind of take the TEDx talk and take it a step further and continue to unpack it because usually it's little bit more time with a keynote, whether it's a half hour or an hour.
00:20:23
Speaker
And you can go further into some of what we talked about here, but more of especially my story and to illustrate how we can bridge gaps or chasms of of ah of understanding about gender.
00:20:39
Speaker
and hopefully bring more people together ah so that we can you know leverage some of the the the experiences and the different practices related to gender diversity or really any diversity ah that can really help us understand ourselves better and be better allies to other folks.
00:20:58
Speaker
So definitely check out the the keynote. ah information package, which we'll link in the show notes. If you're curious about that, and definitely happy to talk further, if that's something you want to explore engaging us with.
00:21:13
Speaker
great Thank you so much. Thank you so much for letting me ah bully you into talking about this. Absolutely. Thank you for asking and for for asking questions and helping us, helping me explore that further. So I do appreciate it because I, you know, of course, with that type of time investment, it is good too to share with folks and I think people do want to hear it and are curious. And so, yeah, just letting folks know a bit of the behind the scenes of what, how it came to be and what it's about. And hopefully that'll inspire folks if they haven't already ah to go check it out.
00:21:49
Speaker
Great. Cool. Well, see you next time. Thank you. Thank you so much. Bye for now.