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39. The One Where We Learn to Use Our Voice
9 Plays1 day ago
In this episode, I share reflections from a recent speaking workshop with Annelise McCarthy and the powerful reminders it gave me about communication, confidence, and using our voice.
We speak every single day, yet so many of us have never really been taught how to communicate clearly, listen properly, or speak with confidence - especially in challenging or unfamiliar situations.
I chat about some of the simple techniques I learnt, including:
- how to answer “What do you do?” more clearly
- the power of pausing before you speak
- reducing filler words
- speaking with more authority
- and the importance of truly listening
I also reflect on how these skills are just as important for our children as they are for us, and why communication is something we need to model, teach, and keep practising.
I finish by sharing 3 simple questions that can help in moments of conflict or miscommunication - whether with children, partners, or colleagues.
A practical and thoughtful episode that will leave you reflecting on how you use your own voice, and where communication in your life could be strengthened.
📩 Connect with me
🌐 www.victoria-r.com.au
📧 hello@victoria-r.com.au
📱 Instagram: @the.victoria.r
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Transcript
Returning to Podcasting
00:00:37
Victoria R
Hello everyone, welcome to the Mindful Educator podcast. I am so happy to be back on the mic. um I have, yeah, haven't recorded anything for a little while, even though the episode's have been coming out. So I'm quite glad to be on here and chatting with you guys today. And i did want to talk about something that It seems so obvious to me. i haven't even
Annalise McCarthy's Workshop Experience
00:01:02
Victoria R
covered it yet. But so on Thursday last week, I attended a full day workshop down in the city and it was with a lady called Annalise McCarthy. And it was all about basically learning how to speak, which I know sounds a bit ridiculous, but it's a case of learning how to speak in, you know, larger audiences and even,
00:01:25
Victoria R
if we're in a new situation where we're meeting people that perhaps we haven't spoken to before, just understanding how to introduce ourselves a little bit better and a little bit clearer so that we kind of have a bit more authority when we're approaching these situations.
00:01:39
Victoria R
And it was really interesting because um I'm quite okay at chatting in front of children, jumping on here and talking to you guys on the mic.
00:01:50
Victoria R
Get me in a room full of people where perhaps I don't know them very well or if I have to present in front of everyone and I'm absolutely crapp on my pants. It is not something that I am comfortable with whatsoever. So for me, it was a case of, right, let's do this. It's a little bit out of my comfort zone. We'll go along and we'll see kind of what up what I pick up. And at the end of the day, I did end up um asking a question in front of the room and oh my gosh, I was so nervous. And this is after I'd done a full day workshop and I was still like, oh, was shaking and I was all sweaty. I like, oh my gosh. And I don't, ah you know how you just feel like your your mind isn't It's like it almost just goes offline and you you've got nothing there to give. So it was really interesting that even after doing everything that she took us through during the day, i was still like, ah.
00:02:44
Victoria R
So it was, yeah, it was a good day though. And I did walk away with a lot of information. And what it really got me thinking about is how we kind of bring this into our everyday life and how we help our children learn how to do this as well. Because I was chatting with a few of the ladies who were sitting at the same table as me and we were saying, you know, in school, you get up and you do a presentation of some sort. So, you know, whatever the topic is and you have to present it to the class.
Presentation Skills in Schools
00:03:17
Victoria R
What you often don't get told, though, is a lot of how do you present this? So, yes, we have to do the research. We have to put it together in a way that we can share with everyone. you know, we we understand all that type of thing and that is that is taught. But it's not really taught...
00:03:37
Victoria R
okay, now you're going to stand up. Yes, we get told, you know don't look down too much, look up at your audience, you know, slow your pace down a little bit, but that's kind of the limit of it really. And so i was like, well, why are we not taught more explicitly how to actually present to larger rooms or in front of an audience? And I guess it's like anything, it is a skill. It is something that does need to be practiced and it does need to be refined and taught and learnt over time.
Answering 'What Do You Do?' Effectively
00:04:08
Victoria R
So i wanted to share with you a couple of the things that I learnt the other day and just some things that I've picked up along the way as well.
00:04:17
Victoria R
So one of the first things that we kind of started with was often when you go to whether it be a networking event, whether it be to just meeting new people in general, it could be in a social situation or a work situation. a lot of the time we get asked the question, what do you do?
00:04:36
Victoria R
What do you do for work? And I was like, oh, that is so true. like And it's often a thing that we ask as well, because you're quite curious to know about people. And obviously you want to get to know what they do, because that often takes up a lot of our time and our energy. So it only makes sense that we're wanting to find out a little bit more information.
00:04:54
Victoria R
And so we did ask these questions. We did a lot of practicing, which was great. And I love the fact that ah that it was a workshop that was hands-on. If it was, you know, eight hours of sitting there, that would have been a completely different scenario. But it was one of those cases where you actually got to interact. You got to practice the skills that were being taught as well. So for me, I'm always like, yes, love that. Tick, tick, tick, because it helps especially when we've got so many different learning styles and all the rest of it. So that was amazing that we got to do that.
00:05:26
Victoria R
So I'm just trying to find what it was. i wrote a lot of notes the other day. so I'm just trying to find where it was that she said um what to do because it was really, instead of just saying, oh, I, you know, I'm a nurse or I'm a teacher or whatever it might be. So she had like three things. So she said, when asked what you do, you start off with, know,
00:05:50
Victoria R
you know how the education system at the moment is going through a bit of change. Well, what I do, and then you say whatever it is that you do in whatever manner. And then in fact, I'm actually in the process of creating a curriculum at the moment. So just the way, like those three simple um kind of sentence starters, and it changed the game. And everyone in the room was like, wow, ah this is amazing. So it was, you know how,
00:06:17
Victoria R
what I do in fact and I was like oh that's so simple but it makes it so much easier to actually get across in an interesting way what it is that you do I'm like I love this this is the sort of stuff I froth on like oh you know again need to be taught these sorts of things so it was so good just to be told a really simple format on how you can approach that question. Because I'm going to be honest, this is a question that gets me a bit stumped at times.
00:06:51
Victoria R
And whenever people like, oh, so what do you do? I'm like, well, I've got a background in teaching, but I'm also a mindfulness um instructor. And I also coach women. And I also... Like, you know what I mean? It's like, it just goes on. And then I also work in my husband's business as an administrator. bla like Like, honestly, this is the way my brain goes. And even those questions when um you have to fill in a form and it says occupation, I don't even know what to write these days. I'm like, I don't know how to to define what I do. So to be given a really simple format on how to
00:07:22
Victoria R
approach this in a social context um ah context or a work context makes it really easy. So I loved the fact that we got to practice that as well.
00:07:34
Victoria R
And then she also just gave us a few kind of hints and tips and we did a lot more ah you know practice of other things as well. But she just really also focused on the way that we hold ourselves as well and how we approach what it is that we're
Communication Tips from the Workshop
00:07:52
Victoria R
saying. So one of the big things I took away, surprise, surprise when you hear what it is. But before we answer a question, so just say you're doing an interview of some sort. Again, you're in a networking or social situation, you've been asked a question.
00:08:08
Victoria R
Instead of jumping straight in with the answer, it was a case of just take a breath. Just take a breath before you even think about answering. And it just gives you a few moments just to kind of, ah this is what I want to answer.
00:08:22
Victoria R
Or if you are in a situation where perhaps you have a drink in your hand, perhaps holding a glass of water, just take a sip of water as you've got that thinking time. So we're not just diving straight in and going, but but bi but bla you know, you say things that perhaps don't really make sense. It just gives us that little filler time to have our brain process what the question was and actually let us come up with an answer that makes makes sense for what it is. So you know how instead of just saying something for the sake of saying something, it's a case of, all right, I've actually taken a few moments to think about what I want my answer to be. Because a lot of the time our brain might be shooting off in different directions and someone asks us something and we're like, oh well, I've got like, you know, five possible things I could say right now. Whereas by just having that little filler, it gives us the moment to go, you know what, I'm going to focus on that one. alright And again, all this stuff is just so easy. And it's like anything that we do. I'm honestly, everything that I go through, we as humans, we love to make things so much more complicated than what they are. But really to make moves in any way it's just going right back to basics and again this is what that is it's really basic it's either taking a breath or having a sip of water or whatever it is that you might be holding in your hand at the time just to give your brain a moment to think and so she also did speak about you know the way you hold yourself and standing up you know taking that breath
00:09:57
Victoria R
moving your hands, you know, not not being all over the place, but just kind of moving them back and forth. And also when you are... on a stage or a setting, one thing that she did say, and I found this really fascinating as well, as women, there's a few things that we do probably without even
Improving Speech Delivery
00:10:17
Victoria R
realizing. So one of the things was normally when we stop speaking or saying something, we step back.
00:10:24
Victoria R
And I didn't even think about this, but it is so true. you're like, blah, blah, blah. I've said my piece. I'm stepping All right, in like, okay, I'm done now. And she's like, no we don't step back, right? If anything, you step forward or you just stay put. And I'm like, m that interesting point because yeah, that is something that we do. And another one that she said is often we up speak and up speak is like,
00:10:49
Victoria R
ah you know how I'm doing that and what you think that's okay. And our voice kind of goes up. um Like we're asking a question, even though it's not a question, we're just sharing something, but we want to try and change that. So when we're finishing off our sentence, instead of raising our voice, so does that make sense?
00:11:08
Victoria R
Or is that landing? And you know, how the voice goes up, we want to but make sure our voice goes in a downward pitch. All right. Apparently, Again, a lot of women are the ones that do this.
00:11:20
Victoria R
And so by making sure that our voice goes down and means that I'm not questioning what I'm saying here. I know what I'm saying is right. I'm not asking you to question it either. So it's kind of giving you that authority with your voice and,
00:11:37
Victoria R
I just, I think let's just take note of where we're using this and how we're up speaking without even realizing it. And she did say a great thing to do is even just to use a voice recorder at times, just to listen to your patterns and just to pick up when you are up speaking instead. And so obviously if it is a genuine question, it's a bit different, but when we're just talking or whatever it might be, are you like, are you doing this with your your husband and your children or your partner? Are you doing it in the classroom if you're teaching? Are you doing it when you're presenting to your colleagues? You know, where are we up speaking and kind of making people question us when really we're solid in what we want to say? We're just not wanting to offend everyone. So that was a really good thing to have brought to my attention as well, because I know I've definitely done that at times. ah Another one is also the projection of our voice as well. So ensuring that we're projecting our voice that it can be be heard, you know, in louder rooms or bigger rooms, but not shouting. So just having our voice carry. So we're not talking really quietly and expecting everyone to listen. And I thought, oh, that's such a good way to remind us of what we can do as well. So it's just, it's really, honestly, it just fascinates me how much we try and dim ourselves and how much we try and,
00:13:05
Victoria R
ah lower our voice or minimize our voice in order to help others feel better around us.
Voice Projection and Filler Words
00:13:12
Victoria R
And it shouldn't be that case. Our voices have just as much weight and just as much importance as anyone else's. So why for so long have we been trying to silence ourselves and silence?
00:13:26
Victoria R
It's just like these little things, these tiny little changes that we can make can make such a huge difference in how we approach things. And I know another one, and I'm so guilty of this, is the fillers that we use. So, ah, um, ah.
00:13:42
Victoria R
And I i know i even do this as I'm recording these podcasts. So her suggestion there was instead of doing that, it's again, it's something that's often subconscious. We don't even realize we're doing it until we kind of hear back and go, oh, okay. Yeah. I said a lot of ums or rs when I was doing that or like, like, like, like.
00:14:05
Victoria R
ah So there we go. i said one just then. So that actually, again, kind of undermines our authority when we're speaking to people, if we're using a lot of these filler words.
00:14:17
Victoria R
So again, this is just so fascinating. Like these things that we probably do without even realising day in, day out, if we can make a few little changes to the way that we approach how we speak to people, it will definitely impact how we're heard as well.
00:14:33
Victoria R
And one of the things I'm glad she mentioned in this um workshop that day was also about listening. How often do we actually genuinely listen to someone that is talking to us without thinking of what we're going to be saying next? And it was such an interesting point because I know at home at the moment we've had There's been a, it's all about communication at the moment at home and in the the wider world. But one of my children has not been feeling heard lately. And it was really interesting what they expressed to me because,
00:15:09
Victoria R
there was There's been a bit of conflict in this area and it was literally just the case of having a conversation with them. And once we both calmed our farms and actually spoke about it, it was like, oh, okay, I can definitely see why you're feeling that way. And then it was kind of, all right, well, okay.
00:15:31
Victoria R
I see your point of view. This is my point of view. We had a discussion about it. um I apologize because I hadn't been listening to them. And I admitted that I said, no, you're absolutely right. Like, you know, i was in the wrong man. I take full responsibility for that. And It was just such a simple conversation that we probably should have had about a week ago to kind of help with this. But they they were not being seen or heard in different areas. And it's like, well, how often are we having conversations with people where we're not really listening to what they're saying?
00:16:05
Victoria R
And even in this scenario of the workshop that we did the other day, we would be given a question or a topic. And as the other person is talking, you're kind of thinking going, oh gosh, what am i going to say? What's my answer going to be? It's like, no, no, no, I need to be focusing on there, what they're saying, because then that will help me naturally kind of come up with something to say, which is what the art of conversation is essentially, isn't it?
00:16:34
Victoria R
And so it's just, like I said, it just fascinates me how something that we do every single day, day in, day out, we're talking, we're having conversations, we're interacting, we're meeting new people, we're doing new things, and we still don't really know how to do it that well.
00:16:53
Victoria R
And we are constantly learning about this.
Teaching Communication to Children
00:16:56
Victoria R
And often so much of the time, whenever there is something like what we've been having at home, whenever there is some sort of conflict, it always comes down to communication.
00:17:07
Victoria R
whether someone is maybe not speaking in the way that they should or listening or whatever it might be And so we need to be learning more explicitly how to have conversations. It is something that is a skill that we need to learn. We need to keep practicing. And it just makes me really aware of the fact that as I'm kind of building this curriculum that I'm building to start bringing these things in because it is so, so needed.
00:17:37
Victoria R
And so if you are in a classroom setting or an education setting, what I would love for you to do is if the children in your care are having bit of, you know, miscommunication, whatever it might be, let's start teaching them these things. Let's teach them how to be able to stand up and speak and to express what it is that they want to say. you know, let's, you know, let them know that it's just a very simple change in the way that they stand or the way that they approach something can have a really big impact on how it's received as well. You let's start teaching the children in our care how to actually listen.
00:18:20
Victoria R
Still a really tricky one for most adults, might you but let's start trying to help them do that. You know, explain to them when someone is having a conversation with you, stop what your mind's doing in terms of racing and trying to think of your answer and let's just focus on what that person is trying to say and that comprehension obviously is something that a lot of us do still struggle with as we move through but it is really important and as parents how are we communicating with our children and vice versa how can we kind of be tweaking that a little bit in the home environment and How can we improve communication with our partners as well? um It really like it just it goes on. And I find it really fascinating for me personally is when my communication, when I'm not speaking what's on my mind um or when I've been holding back in some ways, mine actually come set through as a sore throat, which sounds very like woo But it's so true. And I notice, obviously, there are instances where it's just a sore throat for some other reason, like I might be getting a cold or whatever it is. But if I find that my throat is getting really scratchy or really sore, I actually, it's triggers to my mind and I go, where have I not been speaking my truth lately? And
00:19:39
Victoria R
it's a very good reminder because nine times out of 10, I have been holding back on saying something. And it's usually because I don't want to upset somebody or I don't want to create conflict or perhaps I did try saying it and I just didn't get it across the right way. So it kind of brings that to my awareness and I'm like, okay, how can I get my message or my point of view across without, you know, causing a huge heap heap of issues, but how can I respectfully say, you know, this is what's been on my mind. And so that is a really good indicator for me. And I'm going to ask you that I'm guessing not everyone gets a sore throat, but has there been any areas of your life lately where perhaps you have not been communicating as effectively as you've been wanting? Is there something you've been holding back on saying for fear of hurting or upsetting someone?
00:20:30
Victoria R
Is there an area of your life where perhaps you haven't been listening as well as you could have? Has maybe your friends or your partners or your family or your children, have some of them been trying to say something and you're not really taking in what it is that they're saying? So just a little bit of self-reflection here because like anything, it's so important for us to always kind of come back to ourselves. We're like, right, it starts with me, right? How can i improve on this? How can I then help those around me to improve on this as well? So I would just love you to just have that reflection. Oh, that was another thing. She said the word just. She's like, there's no there's no need for just. I love just. I use it all the time.
00:21:11
Victoria R
and So that's something that I'm like, okay, maybe I can take that out a little bit more of my um vocabulary. So yes, that is what I want to leave you with. So just those few things that she said.
00:21:24
Victoria R
recognizing that when we're speaking with authority, we're not up speaking, we're kind of making sure our voice is going in that downward pitch, that we're projecting our voice without yelling, that we're trying not to use too many fillers.
00:21:36
Victoria R
Also having that question as well where, you know, what do you do? and going, well, you know how and, you know, this is this is what I do and, in fact, you know, just approaching it in a different manner.
00:21:51
Victoria R
ah Honestly, it was it was really good to get some proper training on how to use my voice and for what I have planned in the coming months,
00:22:03
Victoria R
it's really important that I develop these skills. So this is something that I'm going to keep trying to work on, you know, each week, each day, even as I'm doing these podcasts, I'm trying to be more aware of the fact that I use a lot of filler words majority of the time. So I'm trying to minimize how many filler words I use. And now that I've said that, you'll be listening going, hmm, is she reducing the number or not? So I'd love to know from you what you're going to be doing to improve your own communication, to improve using your voice or your listening or in what area of your life it's going to come through. So please feel free to, you know, comment on my post on the podcast or send me an email or get in contact and let me know what you've had as your biggest takeaway from this. And there was a lot more that I learned at this seminar, but
00:22:59
Victoria R
very restricted for time actually probably no no I am going to share one more thing because the question that I asked was about how how we can best bring this into schools and with our children and whatnot and so She was talking about if there's conflict, um which has been really handy this week with my child. So she said questions that we can ask our children and they really, they apply to
Addressing Conflicts with Effective Questions
00:23:27
Victoria R
anyone. So if there is something that's not quite gelling, we can say, you know, help me understand what's going on. All right. So help me understand. And she's like, this is kind of where you're building that bridge, you know, so you kind of, all right, come on. I'm trying to meet you halfway here. Also asking them, what would it take?
00:23:45
Victoria R
what would it take to you know improve this? What would it take for you to be seen? What would it take for you to be heard or whatever it is that they're having an issue with? And then lastly, asking them, you know would it be helpful if, and this is where perhaps we can offer a few different suggestions or things that we can say. So this was really handy to have this just as a guide there because parents,
00:24:12
Victoria R
It's a tricky job, as anyone knows, working with children in any capacity. It's a tricky job. But even these questions, these questions you can use with adults as well. If you're, you know, if there's something going on with colleagues that aren't quite seeing eye to eye, This is where we can use these same questions. And I think, oh, these are great. Like even with your partner, you know, help me understand what's going on here, man. Like, you know, we can really, really use these three questions with the majority of the things. And i I think that's one thing I enjoyed as well is the fact that we walked away with actual tangible things that we could use. And even though a lot of it is quite simple, sometimes we just need that little bit of guidance into how to actually word it correctly. So thank you very much, Annalise. It was very
Invitation to Annalise McCarthy
00:25:02
Victoria R
handy. So that was Annalise McCarthy is her name. I'll pop her in the the show notes. Yeah.
00:25:09
Victoria R
But yes, I actually, I would love to get her on. So maybe that's something I can try and do as well is reach out and see if she'd want to come on the podcast because it was really fascinating. Just the simple techniques that she shared. Anyway, i am going to leave it there. I'd love to know what your takeaway from this episode was. I will be taking two week podcast break ah just over the holidays. It just means that I can focus on my crew And i will be back. I will be back in April. it almost is April. It will be April today when you listen to it. So I'll be back in a few weeks and sharing more with you then. So thank you so much. I hope you guys have a lovely Easter wherever you may be. And I will speak to you all soon.