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Episode 47: The Covenant featuring Steph Metzger
45 Plays1 month ago
Real person and talking hat Steph Metzger has brought in The Covenant (2006). It’s the story of four New England witch boys who mostly look pretty and perform parlor tricks with their addictive powers. There’s also a young Sebastion Stan in the mix. Not much occurs, but that doesn’t stop the panel from constantly plumbing its depths in search of something. What did they find… Shared joy. You can have some too, so tune in!
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Transcript
00:00:27
Speaker
that you would, that you could, and you know that you should, yes you know that you should be good.
Introduction to the Podcast
00:00:40
Speaker
Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to your favorite bad movie podcast. The only podcast that's brave enough to ask the question, this movie's so bad, why do you like it so much?
00:00:54
Speaker
We're your hosts.
Meet the Hosts: Chris and Greg
00:00:55
Speaker
My name is Chris Anderson, and with me as always, I have the pogue to my Caleb, Greg Bossy.
00:01:04
Speaker
Woo, yes, hello, nice to see you. Love being pogue. I love Caleb Kitsch, so. And yeah, you've got the build. Thank you, thank you.
00:01:16
Speaker
And of course, as always, i have the Sarah to my Caleb. Is it Sarah? It was Sarah. Yeah. It was Sarah to my Caleb.
00:01:30
Speaker
My lovely wife, Anna Anderson. hello Good to have you here, sweetie. We've missed you. yeah I speak for the fans.
00:01:41
Speaker
But we also have a very special guest.
Special Guest: Steph Metzger
00:01:45
Speaker
You might know her as ah dairy scientist, or you might know her as hey talking anthropomorphic hat.
00:01:57
Speaker
It's Steph Metzger. Steph, how are you? I am doing very well. Thank you for having me. I'm so happy to be here. We're happy to have you. Wait.
00:02:08
Speaker
Oh my God. Oh my God. Does that make me the Sebastian Stan since I'm the newcomer? Could be. Could a Could be. You might be Chase?
00:02:20
Speaker
His character was Chase. it' Yeah. yeah I kept on getting Chase and Caleb mixed up. So I've got to say, I've been trying to like pay better attention to the names of characters. I've been writing down the actors and the characters as I go.
00:02:35
Speaker
And it's just like, Sebastian Stan is playing Chase, who's not played by Chase. He's playing Tyler, who's not played by Taylor. Right. It's just like, i I don't even know how to keep track.
00:02:49
Speaker
I tried to keep track of the sons of the rich and had like cross. And it's not like they gave any of these characters distinct personalities or aesthetics.
00:03:00
Speaker
Or clothes or haircuts. No, no, no.
Quick Overview of 'The Covenant'
00:03:04
Speaker
But okay, listeners, we watched The Covenant this week. We watched The Covenant. And if you haven't seen The Covenant, here is just a short summary of The Covenant to hold in your mind like a marble.
00:03:18
Speaker
more
00:03:27
Speaker
Four wealthy teen warlocks are living the life of Riley in the small New England town. But a mysterious figure from their joined past threatens to ruin it all.
00:03:46
Speaker
Fair enough? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think that
Is 'The Covenant' a Murder Mystery?
00:03:50
Speaker
that's a good... to me I mean, also, you could say that almost nothing happens. Yeah, I... yeah i I did not remember until, or even sort of realize until halfway through that part of this movie is technically a murder mystery.
00:04:06
Speaker
yeah yeah I was going to say like, what are you talking about? But yeah, I suppose it is. the The kid who becomes the darkling, whatever that is in whatever that does.
00:04:18
Speaker
And Caleb's like, Oh, I need to figure out who killed the kid. I think it might be Reed. It's not Reed. Like there the murder mystery is the driving, i guess, what motivation of the first act of this movie. And it's like nothing.
00:04:32
Speaker
you yeah You barely notice it. Anyway, you chose the Covenant hat.
Why 'The Covenant'? Steph's Choice
00:04:37
Speaker
Tell us why you chose the Covenant. Well, it certainly meets the criterion of being a bad movie.
00:04:45
Speaker
Fair enough. Yeah. It's also a movie that I enjoy because while it is a bad movie, it does feature Sebastian Stan chewing the hell out of some scenery and having a grand old time. ah Yeah. So plus it's like 90 minutes, which is another key thing.
00:05:06
Speaker
So those were kind of my big three reasons for it, you know? Those are three very strong reasons to enjoy the film. I can't take that away from you. ah Had either of you guys seen The Covenant before?
00:05:20
Speaker
saw it once before. on a it was a ah you were part of it, Hat. Yeah. yeah yeah A few years ago. we watched it. We had it as an online movie night. That was the first time that I saw it.
00:05:32
Speaker
Okay. What about you? I have never seen this movie before. Never really like I think this is from a time period to which I kind of stopped paying attention to movies.
00:05:43
Speaker
because i was just like they all seem just kind of bad. ah And this certainly fit into that category. Also, i also feel like and because I don't know if it's been mentioned yet, but I think it's important in the synopsis to point out that this is a Rennie Harlan movie.
00:05:58
Speaker
Yes, that is 100% true. I don't know if we put that down on tape yet, because I feel like it's important that listeners know this is a Rennie Harland.
Director Rennie Harlan's Influence
00:06:06
Speaker
See, I think that's a really funny thing to point out as something important because I think yeah the assumption that people will know who Rennie Harlan is is doing a lot of heavy lifting there because my guess is that people will not know who that is.
00:06:21
Speaker
Well, we will explain. If they don't know his who he is, I know they are familiar with his work. yeah I will say that. I will say he is also not a dude that has...
00:06:32
Speaker
a particularly strong directorial signature. No. Beyond sort of mild competence.
00:06:43
Speaker
Very mild. Yeah. I just know if he's making it, it's going to be interesting on a level.
00:06:51
Speaker
it's It's going to be a movie. It's going to be one of those things where you watch and you say, oh, this is barely even a movie. It's not going to be Madame Webb. but Well, that's exactly what I was going to say, Chris, was that, you know, it's going to be somewhat competent is like more than you can say about Madam Web. 100%. This is going to be a, this is a better crafted film than Madam Web, I would say.
00:07:18
Speaker
But mostly because Madam Web felt like it was an iPhone commercial that was 90 minutes long. It was, but anyway, anyway. Do you guys want to hear what I learned about the background of
Release Context: Timing and Director
00:07:29
Speaker
the covenant? Do you want to get into the context? Okay. Oh,
00:07:32
Speaker
ok
00:07:50
Speaker
I'm proud of the film, script director, actors on set. What's going on on screen? I wanna hear some details. Goss-ups can do all that shit. Can I imagine all the time?
00:08:14
Speaker
right, so The Covenant came out on September 8th, 2006, right in time for spooky season. Probably didn't make it all the way there. Probably not.
00:08:25
Speaker
I could see that being the plan. Oh, I thought you meant the fifth anniversary of 9-11. no. The real spooky season. I think you mean Patriot season.
00:08:37
Speaker
ah So ah the director, as we mentioned, was Rennie Harlan. ah Taglines. I've got four taglines. And one thing we did these last couple episodes, I'm going to challenge you guys to try and think of your own tagline while I read these out.
00:08:52
Speaker
Oh, God. Tag. Number one. Only the power of hell can help them. Doesn't feel accurate. Doesn't make sense at all. No. no I mean, ah it sounds like a better movie.
00:09:06
Speaker
I'd check that one out. All right. Tagline number two. Four have the power. One will stop at nothing to possess it.
00:09:18
Speaker
Also inaccurate because he also has power. And also, yeah, if these other guys are the ones that have the power, I'm not particularly threatened by the guy that doesn't have it.
00:09:30
Speaker
Yeah. All right. Number three. To save the future, they must battle their past. Sounds like time travel is going to be involved.
00:09:43
Speaker
yeah Very generic. i yeah I never at any point in this film thought that any character cared at all about the future. They all seemed like complete nihilists.
00:09:53
Speaker
All right, last one. In long.
Rennie Harlan's Career Highlights
00:10:01
Speaker
five families with untold power too um I'm not even halfway through. Formed a covenant of silence.
00:10:14
Speaker
One family lusting for more was banished. Their bloodline disappearing without a trace. Until now. Wow.
00:10:26
Speaker
Yeah, way too long. So who's got a better tagline? He's going to make you his weeotch. It's the best line from the movie. It is the best line from the movie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I would say up there, might as well do Harry Potter may kiss my a asterisk asterisk.
00:10:43
Speaker
You can put that on a poster. Yeah, that's that pretty good. That or like, these guys probably auditioned for Twilight could be a tagline. yeah Yeah, very apt. her I'm going to go with um
00:11:01
Speaker
this fall. get witched nice okay yeah punchy definitely so rennie harlan is the most commercially successful filmmaker to ever come out of finland oh okay interesting that explains a lot yes He started off doing commercials and industrial films in Finland.
00:11:35
Speaker
ah His first feature and the only film that he worked on in Finland, therefore I guess the only he only made one feature in Finland before he went to Hollywood.
00:11:48
Speaker
But this one was ironically called Born American. It came out in 1986 and it starred Chuck Norris's son, Mike. I watched it.
00:12:01
Speaker
It was very strange. ah The first half hour is about like three American college students who are going to Finland to see the Arctic Circle.
00:12:13
Speaker
And they go over to the Russian border and they're like, what if we cross the border? That would be awesome if we snuck into Russia. And they did. And then they, the guards like found their track, the border guard. So they ran into the country and they ended up like killing eight people.
00:12:32
Speaker
They shot a priest with a bow and arrow. And so then the next hour of the film is them in a gulag.
00:12:41
Speaker
Wow. Yeah, it's a very strange film. That's a Harley. Is that the... So, is there a possibility that The Covenant could be the prequel to that movie, since The Covenant is in high school and that is college students?
00:12:58
Speaker
and Could be. And they seem not very concerned about the future, so I'm sensing thematically... it seems like he's drawn to a specific type of American archetype, maybe.
00:13:11
Speaker
The carefree young man. So cool. ah Now, let's see. This was a gamble for Harlan to make Born American ah because it was Finland's most expensive film ever made with a budget of roughly 2.8 million euros.
00:13:29
Speaker
I don't know what that is in real money. and Now, the film was almost banned for both excessive violence and anti-Soviet rhetoric. The Finns don't really like to poke the bear.
00:13:42
Speaker
Uh, but they made a couple of adjustments. They cut out about three minutes and the film got, uh, released and it was a success. And I can't imagine what anti-Soviet stuff they cut out because the anti-Soviet stuff that was in there was fucking crazy.
00:13:56
Speaker
The gulag was Is it like, um, if Whitman tire you, uh, ah Well, basic the main thing that i remember, I kind of fell asleep a little bit, but the main thing that I remember was that in the basement of the Gulag, that's where they sent all the crazy people.
00:14:16
Speaker
And the crazy people would play human chess and the chess pieces that were taken would die. so again, Harry Potter can kiss my ass. Yeah.
00:14:28
Speaker
So he used Born American as a calling card film to get into He got a job directing a horror movie set in prison called Prison, which I'm very curious about.
00:14:41
Speaker
I believe it's about a haunted prison. Sure. That did well enough that Harlan's next gig was Nightmare on Elm Street 4. Yes. Oh, okay. That's like a real movie.
00:14:53
Speaker
What was the subtitle for that? That is ah The Dream Master. Okay. That is the one. It has Kincaid come back. The pregnant... No, that's the dream child.
00:15:06
Speaker
Okay. ah This is the one where as her friends die, the dream master assumes their assorted dream powers. And her brother was really cool and he did nunchucks and then he died and then she could do nunchucks.
00:15:20
Speaker
Okay. That's the most important part. So I watched a trailer for that one because I would just say he directed one of these and it has the line, in it the only line that I remember from any Nightmare on Elm Street movie, just from the trailer, which is how sweet fresh meat.
00:15:35
Speaker
uh was a phrase that is like burned into my brain like as a child being i think mildly terrified of it that is a pretty good line i think that was the first nightmare that i ever saw the only one that i saw when i was a kid and it it did scare me very much but i will say now it is definitely one of the one of the good ones definitely one of the ones worth watching ah It was also a massive success. I believe the most financially successful Nightmare on Elm Street film until Freddy vs. Jason, if I remember correctly.
00:16:08
Speaker
So that sort of allowed Rennie Harlan to level up from making small budget horror movies to medium budget action movies. ah The first that he did after this was The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, the Andrew Dice Clay movie. Hmm.
00:16:26
Speaker
that was not a big success, but it did make its budget back. they They couldn't really blame Harlan for Andrew Dice Clay, you know? So after that, he was able to get die hard too.
00:16:39
Speaker
And also cliffhanger to massive successes. um Okay. This was followed by, ah the biggest bomb in Hollywood history, which effectively made sure that he could never level up ever again.
00:16:54
Speaker
Cutthroat Island. I've never seen that one. I want to very badly. I put it on the plex. I'm i'm curious. Okay. ah Cutthroat Island lost $100 million dollars on its $115 million dollars budget and effectively killed the pirate genre for the next decade.
00:17:14
Speaker
Oh. And I think Gina Davis left her husband for Rennie Harland either on this or the long kiss goodnight. so I believe they were married at this point.
00:17:26
Speaker
Rennie Harlan and Gina Davis. okay Now, ah from there on out, Harlan mostly worked on mid-budget studio pictures exclusively. Some of them were successful, like Long Kiss Goodnight or Deep Blue Sea.
00:17:40
Speaker
And some were less successful, like Mindhunters and Driven. Oh, he's Mindhunters? That's right, he did Mindhunters. I feel like I've heard of that one.
00:17:51
Speaker
I don't know anything about it, though. Well, it's got Christian Slater and Val Kilmer and LL Cool J, and they're all FBI profilers, and they go to a secluded FBI training facility on an island, and it turns out one of them is a serial killer.
00:18:08
Speaker
they need to start profiling the profilers. It's fucking sick. Amazing. I forgot how good that was until I said that sentence. I got a lot of mind hunters. and Yeah.
00:18:22
Speaker
Now, ah it was while Harlan was in this sort of, you know, workaday era that he directed The Covenant. I wasn't able to find much about the production beyond an article from DreadCentral.com where a reporter visited the set in Montreal briefly, ah where they were shooting all the wire work scenes at that time, and they were shooting it in a giant airplane hangar.
00:18:50
Speaker
So just two quotes from that article. The first one from Rennie Harlan. You see the tracks the ceiling? Those are flying tracks.
00:19:04
Speaker
There is going to be a big, short-of-flying circus type of ah fight sequence. Nothing like the Matrix. I'm not putting down the Matrix, but it's been done.
00:19:16
Speaker
ha So move over to matrix. Here comes the covenant.
00:19:25
Speaker
And this quote from Sebastian Stan, we've been working on the flying stuff for about a month or so. And this is one of the first days that we are starting the actual filming of it.
00:19:41
Speaker
So when you look at the stunts of the covenant, the, Do they look to you like they needed a month's worth of preparation? Do you feel like that was a month well spent?
00:19:52
Speaker
No, I would say a couple hours. This seems like a weekend.
00:20:00
Speaker
It's like CW show. they if they had gotten a Vancouver crew... I think they could have done it in a little less than a month. Yeah, it has a very CW vibe. Even though I think at the time see the CW was still UPN.
00:20:15
Speaker
don't remember quite when it changed. 2006? Yeah. I know that when Supernatural started in 2005 it was still UPN, but I don't know if it changed the next year or the year after.
Fantasy Films of 2006
00:20:30
Speaker
Well, other fantasy films of 2006, just to put a thing in its place. You got Aragon, film that asks a question, what if the word dragon start with the letter You got ah Pan's Labyrinth, great stuff.
00:20:48
Speaker
ah You got The Fountain, which I absolutely hate. sure
00:20:54
Speaker
You got Lady in the Water, which is going to be an upcoming episode with Manolo Moreno. Keep an eye out for that one, listeners. You got In the Name of the King, a dungeon siege tale, a previous episode with Alice Ebenhove.
00:21:08
Speaker
Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Man's Chest. I don't remember which one that is. The second one? Okay, that one was okay. That's the one where they introduce Bill Nighy with the tentacles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay.
00:21:23
Speaker
I still feel like if you had asked me to binge watch any franchise, I think Pirates of the Caribbean would be at the bottom of my list. I like that be a rough day. Interesting. ah Worse than Saw?
00:21:37
Speaker
Saw, at least I could look forward to Saw 7 when things picked back up again.
00:21:46
Speaker
ah But then you got, ah last but not least, the Santa Claus 3, the Escape Clause. Thank you for categorizing that in the same... They're both fantasies.
00:21:58
Speaker
e sure. Children dream of being Jack Frost and having him a dethroning Santa Claus as the King of Winter.
00:22:11
Speaker
So that's the end of my context research. You guys want to talk about the plot of the covenant? Please. Absolutely. Such as it is. Yeah.
Opening Scenes: Witches are Real
00:22:39
Speaker
Plot bumper, listen to me. I'm gonna give you the plot summary. Come on, baby. Here's the synopsis.
00:22:52
Speaker
Plot bumper, plot bumper.
00:23:05
Speaker
We open with some screen text explaining that witches are real. Perfect for any audience members who showed up not knowing that there would be any witches in this movie.
00:23:19
Speaker
This is followed by ah opening credits with a... Wait, can we go back to the can we go back to the opening text? because Absolutely. i don't want to glide over it. I love an opening text explanation.
00:23:32
Speaker
You know, oceans are now battlefields classic. ah But I also really appreciate how they started with like something about the power and then nobody knows how it came to be because it's a preemptive like, yes, you are going to have a lot of questions.
00:23:47
Speaker
Fuck you for even wanting an answer. We're not going to give you any. Don't worry about it. Don't ever read Wikipedia. That's nerd stuff. We're not doing Star Wars. We're doing the covenant.
00:24:02
Speaker
We get our opening credits with some Rob Zombie with an EDM Rob Zombie remix on the soundtrack. Fantastic. That will be our closing credits for the show this week.
00:24:14
Speaker
We then meet a gang of four boys, the so-called Sons of Ipswich, our titular covenant. At this point, I had a little difficulty differentiating between them, but that's only because they all look, talk, and act like Abercrombie models and are lit with a monochromatic blue filter.
00:24:36
Speaker
This quitting scene seems purposely designed to obfuscate who any of these characters are. It's wild. It also doesn't help that like the first line is someone be like, okay, now introduce me to who's important. They're like, so let me point out these two people. Those two people aren't important to the movie in any way.
00:24:59
Speaker
They will be, they will, they will pop in like two more times. One of them will pop in two more times. to be like, oh yeah, that important guy. Yeah. And then he'll be gone again.
00:25:09
Speaker
So that off the bat is confusing. Yes. There's not a lot of hand-holding. I feel like The Covenant, maybe if I watch it again right now, it would be a very different experience.
00:25:21
Speaker
So I had a question. I meant to bring this up earlier. I thought I read that there was supposed to be some kind of accompanying comic book series that may or may not have explained some of the plot.
00:25:33
Speaker
i I read that Top Cow had a spin-off comic. Okay. ah that maybe had like four issues, ah but I did not care enough to try and track it. No, no, no. I'm not saying anyone should. I was just thinking that maybe that's why we don't seem to understand what anything is or any of the terms or anything. This is not adapting a an existing property.
00:25:56
Speaker
No, no. I assume that there was maybe like, like a few chapters. it like, well, if you'd read the comic first, kind of like a Star Wars has all those novels and stuff. Yeah. Yeah.
00:26:08
Speaker
there's ah There's a Wookieepedia, Wookieepedia, but for the covenant. Warlockpedia. It has yeah three pages and there's very little information.
00:26:21
Speaker
yeah They're mostly just pictures of abs.
00:26:25
Speaker
It's my homepage. Yeah, just see if there are any updates. ah Now, the four guys, they jump off a cliff. That's how we're like, oh shit, they're witches.
00:26:37
Speaker
And then they walk over to a beach party. A good old fashioned New England clambake. Except it's full of rowdy teens and there's a DJ and that type of vibe.
00:26:50
Speaker
ah Now at this beach party, we are rapidly introduced to more or less every single character in the whole movie in three minutes. This happens so much in these bad movies yeah where they have an opening scene where like, well, here's everybody.
00:27:04
Speaker
Remember them all. See, it's kind of like a modern day equivalent of Shakespeare in that way, where, you know, there's a list of all the characters that you're going to need to know. So really, when you think about it, this is like classic.
00:27:18
Speaker
It's true. If they were just able to afford me a printed program, I wouldn't use this for you. That would help. Yeah. Now, uh... You've got in this scene, we meet Caleb, Pogue, Tyler, Reed, Aaron, Kate, Sarah, and Chase.
00:27:35
Speaker
Some of them like each other. Some of them don't. Some of them are new in town. Some of them aren't. The people that are new in town didn't come together and they don't know each other. It's just a coincidence.
00:27:48
Speaker
And I'm not, I'm not being sarcastic. It is. Uh, the party soon gets raided by the cops for just having too many characters. breaking occupancy limits with nine characters uh the sons of if switch hop into reed's hummer and they speed off into the night i'd like to take a moment to appreciate the geography here because okay they started on top of the cliff jumped down off the cliff into the beach party yeah ran back to their cars mm-hmm
00:28:22
Speaker
And then drove to the cliff, which means that they got out of their cars and instead of just walking to the beach party, they walked ah really far around to get to the top of the cliff and then jumped down. And it's like, you know what?
00:28:38
Speaker
You're not making anything easier here. You would have yeah had a much quicker time if you just walked from the woods where you all parked directly to the party. Yeah.
00:28:51
Speaker
I'm going to say this. Nothing gets me stoked for the function like a good old fashioned cliff jump. You guys know what I'm saying. ah thursday You show me like, woo, it's party time.
00:29:06
Speaker
That's how I always arrived at parties. It's a good thing we learn later that the powers are addictive and they shouldn't use them carelessly. Yes. Yes. yeah Like the guy who used it to make the other guy barf during the party?
00:29:19
Speaker
Okay, although I would do that if I could. yeah And you gotta figure, that's gotta be a low cost. That's just shaving off like two days from your life. That's fine. I'll lose the two at the end.
00:29:31
Speaker
I wouldn't allow them anywhere. Now, they all speed off into the night. The local PD doggedly pursues the Sons of Ipswich in the Hummer. ah The boys end up driving their Hummer off the same cliff they jumped off a moment ago.
00:29:46
Speaker
With Reed yelling, Harry Potter can kiss my ass. ah Yeah. Yeah. Great stuff. Great. Yeah, it's really cool. It makes him seem really cool and awesome.
00:29:59
Speaker
It's because he is. It's very worst person you know makes a good point. It is. ah ne Then the boys fly the Hummer unseen behind the cop car and drive away laughing.
00:30:15
Speaker
Now, Caleb, our main warlock, I believe the head honcho of the warlocks, the oldest of the four warlocks, he heads home to his family's palatial estate.
00:30:28
Speaker
Okay, here's another logistical question. ah Shoot.
00:30:33
Speaker
First of all, I'm pretty sure the cops would have gotten a license plate at some point. Not a magic license plate. So they would have shown up who these guys has, like, hey, was your Hummer flying the other day?
00:30:43
Speaker
But also, so I think it's Tim Riggins who says to the main guy, i don't remember their names. Okay, that's fair. I don't know the actors, so this is going to be complicated. Yeah.
00:30:57
Speaker
Tim Riggins, the guy with the crotch rocket, says to the other guy, thanks for giving me a ride, which means that he rode his motorcycle to Caleb's house, and then Caleb drove them both to Draco Malfoy's house, the blonde guy, Reed.
00:31:13
Speaker
yes And then Reed drove his Hummer to the party. again, we're just dealing with the logistical nightmare here in terms of how these idiots are getting around town.
00:31:25
Speaker
It's true. And they also all have, i well, maybe they're trying trying to save gas. I guess the motorcycle is definitely going more fuel efficient than the Hummer. It's true. I think they mostly just want to show that they each have their own cool vehicle.
00:31:37
Speaker
Yeah. Because ah Caleb drives a Mustang. Poor Tyler. oh Tyler, the less said the better. so And Caleb isn't one of the sons of Ipswich.
00:31:51
Speaker
No, Caleb is. He's the head guy. Yes. So who's Sebastian? Sebastian Stan is Chase. Okay. I'm going to get it one day. and I think Sebastian Stan has gotten his teeth fixed, which is a little, well, straightened, not necessarily fixed, which is a little disappointing.
00:32:08
Speaker
They were so cute, but ah Hollywood. Yeah, you said it. Now, once Caleb gets home, his drunken mother tells him that he's very attractive, just like his father was at his age.
00:32:24
Speaker
Yeah. Which... Very normal. Yeah. just Real normal vibes. Kind of reminded me of getting you up to bed. Honestly, it reminded me of when I introduced Anna to my mother.
00:32:38
Speaker
Now, uh... Interesting. My mom's an odd duck. Uh... Now, ah also, we learn that just like his father, if he uses his magical powers too much, he will be destroyed.
00:32:53
Speaker
I loved the exposition that she's doing, by the way. It's so perfect. So beautiful. I love to get my ex exposition from a drunken mother wearing a silken night robe.
00:33:05
Speaker
ah It worked in Arrested Development. yeah Yeah. This is someone who will keep this exposition interesting. Bring a dramatic tension to it. Oh my God. Now I'm picturing this scene redone, but with Lucille and Buster.
00:33:20
Speaker
i love it. Yes. A fantastic choice. i I mean, I guess it would make sense with Joe since he is a magician, but ah now.
00:33:31
Speaker
Oh my God. And the stair car in a chase and the stair car flying. ah fantastic.
00:33:39
Speaker
ah she ah She explains to him that his powers first manifested when he was 13, and they will soon peak when he ascends on his 18th birthday. Mm-hmm.
00:33:50
Speaker
One would assume that needs this Which is in week. Yes, it's very soon. the oldest boy. He'll be the first one to ascend. Yeah. Because this is a movie about people who are under the age of 18. It's true. Yes.
00:34:05
Speaker
Back at the dorm of the fancy private school that they all go to that may or may not have a name. Spencer with an S, like the author of The Fairy Queen?
00:34:15
Speaker
Possibly reference. Okay. but I don't know. Well, back at the dorms, roommates Sarah and Kate hang out in their sleepwear while talking about the history of witchcraft.
00:34:29
Speaker
Great scene. Yep. We find out that there used to be five families in Ipswich that had magical powers, allegedly, and they produced four hunky boys.
00:34:43
Speaker
The fifth family died out, or so they say. Ooh, Chekhov's fifth witch family. The cute listeners might... Yeah.
00:34:56
Speaker
ah Back at the beach, the cops find the dead body of a young man in a car. Guess what? This is actually going to be a murder mystery for a little while. I totally forgot about that. totally you it's easy to do.
00:35:12
Speaker
It's easy to do. Yeah, it's really like the C plot. ah We then get a shower scene where we learn that Sarah is the rare 17-year-old high school girl with not one but two tribal back tattoos. o um she momentarily She momentarily thinks someone is watching her, but she can't find them because it turns out they're astral projecting into the girls' dorms' showers.
00:35:39
Speaker
Which is probably the most realistic thing they have in 17-year-old warlock. Let's be honest. She's walking the halls of this co-ed dorm in just a towel? Like, one does. Or slippers?
00:35:52
Speaker
As one does. And no shower shoes, either. Just walking over to them. Broken glass in the shower. ah They're going to have all types of nasty fungal infections running rampant through this school.
00:36:08
Speaker
That's not what I pay $40,000 a semester for.
00:36:14
Speaker
now the next day, Caleb is driving his convertible Mustang when suddenly the ghost of the dead beach kid appears in his passenger seat. He calls it a Darkling for some reason.
00:36:25
Speaker
They never really explain what any of that is. ah this Also, I think because he sees the Darkling, doesn't he then drive into a bus... where He drives into a truck.
00:36:38
Speaker
Yeah, where his where he himself and his car ah disappear and then are reconstituted on the other side of the truck as him and the car.
00:36:49
Speaker
So guess he can't die? ah He can use his magical powers and surprise going to say, yeah, like in an instant, he can be like, oh, I'm about to die. Time to teleport to the other side of this truck and reintegrate my car.
00:37:06
Speaker
ah It's a cool effect. Yeah, but it does seem like more power than he should have at this point. It's also weird how the idea that Chris skipped it is also not that weird because it is also not like...
00:37:21
Speaker
Oh, were you? Okay. My apologies. Yeah, jumped ahead. I like how it seems like an homage to Final Destination since it's a log truck. Yeah. Where it's like, ah, too bad those Final Destination kids couldn't just do this.
00:37:35
Speaker
Yeah. But it's also like it, I think was the best effects shot in the whole movie, but it served no purpose, came out of nowhere and was instantly forgotten. Yes.
00:37:46
Speaker
It was just such an odd decision. Because like after that moment, he like calls the guy's like, somebody sent me a dark thing. They're like, oh shit. And then we never know what a dark thing is. We don't know why anyone would send it. We don't know what it portends or can Yes.
00:38:01
Speaker
He goes, it's very funny because Riggins is on the phone. Like he's at the shop with his motorcycle and he's like, Tim Riggins must be Pogue. Yes.
00:38:13
Speaker
Who would send you a darkling? And it's like, who would send you a darkling? Because that means that there are other magic people in town. And that's just never like, there's just no concept of like, oh, there are other witches beyond these guys, because it seems pretty clear.
00:38:31
Speaker
That the intent is that these are like the only four magical guys in town, right? so like, yeah who would send him a Darkling? But also he's having this conversation very loudly at the auto shop.
00:38:41
Speaker
So I feel like there's a mechanic somewhere who's like, what the hell is this kid talking about? Like, does he think that we don't know that his whole goofy family is magic? And he's like...
00:38:54
Speaker
Is this an open secret in the town? what is the deal? I know that I am putting more thought into this than went into the actual creation of the movie.
00:39:06
Speaker
I feel like probably just like once a year, the magic families call everybody in the town together and they do like a magic men in black flash thing on them. That was all normal.
00:39:16
Speaker
Anyway, happy new year. z
00:39:24
Speaker
Should old acquaintance be forgot and their magic powers.
00:39:30
Speaker
So Caleb drives over to the pharmacy where he runs into Kate, Sarah and Chase. Great. These guys. ah Caleb as Sarah, the most romantic question one high schooler can ask another.
00:39:45
Speaker
Do you want to run errands with me? Yes. For his mother. Yeah, and she does. ah So he drives her out in his cool car past his family's old colonial era barn to his family's old colonial era farmhouse.
00:40:03
Speaker
But he has her wait in the car while he drops off the prescription he just got to treat whoever's inside. All we see is that they have a fucked up hand. And we know and we also hear that his dad died in there.
00:40:15
Speaker
But it's clearly the dad. But he also references our caretaker Gorman, which is maybe my favorite character introduction. Oh yeah yeah. Our caretaker Gorman.
00:40:25
Speaker
Gorman was great. No big deal. who Oh, Gorman. You've done it again. from there, the two of them head over to Nikki's, which is sort of like a cross between Max's diner from saved by the bell and the double deuce from roadhouse.
00:40:45
Speaker
Uh, It looks to be kind of like a dive bar for teens, but it may or may not serve alcohol. It's tough to say. They do serve burgers and Coke. It makes you wonder what they needed to have that big beach party. But I guess if they can't get booze here, but maybe they can. i don't know.
00:41:03
Speaker
Yeah. and All the teens are there. That much we do know. The Sons of Ipswich ah place a bet as to whether or not a waitress is wearing panties.
00:41:14
Speaker
Spoiler alert, she's not. ah Sarah puts I love rock and roll on the jukebox and dances with Caleb but while Reed uses magic to hustle Aaron the bully.
00:41:28
Speaker
who I'm sorry. He's the mean mugged muggle. That's who I described him as. He hustles him at pool. When Aaron Welch is on the bet, the boys take it outside.
00:41:42
Speaker
Nicky, the big bald restaurateur, breaks it up before they can brawl.
00:41:49
Speaker
Caleb, as the senior warlock, yells at Reed for using magic in public. It's addictive! It will kill you, etc. ah They fight for a little bit, and Caleb accuses Reed of killing that kid, but Reed denies it.
00:42:10
Speaker
That night, Sarah has a nightmare that she and Kate are being attacked by hundreds of spiders.
00:42:18
Speaker
There's also, i think Tim Riggins also has a nightmare or a darkling visit him or whatever. yeah But there is a puffer fish chandelier in his bedroom that I just wanted to comment on because then put that it was really something.
00:42:34
Speaker
yeah What a beautiful piece of decor. Yeah. oh Let's see. The next day in English class, Caleb gets called to the office of the provost.
00:42:46
Speaker
This English class has like 65 kids in it. yeah This is a private school that would like, what do you think class size is described as in their brochures in this expensive school? And this is like the size of my undergrad chemistry lecture at state school. This is yeah wild how big this class is.
00:43:10
Speaker
It is. I think it's meant to like give the professor an air of authority, but it does just make the school look bad. Yes.
00:43:21
Speaker
So in the provost's office, the provost asks Caleb to take chase under his wing. Sure. I'll hang out with the new guy, Chase.
00:43:31
Speaker
and we Can we talk about the provost for just a moment? Please. So, like, you know, they're like he's going to the provost. It's like, oh, shit, he's going to the provost. You know, and he goes to the provost, the provost is like the provost is like, so here you got in a fight. And he's like, yeah, I did. He's like, I don't want you to fight anymore.
00:43:47
Speaker
And I want you to take this chase and I want you to show him a good time. And it's like, okay. And then later, Chase gets called into the provost. And was like, he's going to the provost. And I don't know what the provost has to do with anything. Cause is like the last time we see him or something. Like, I don't understand.
00:44:00
Speaker
He's like weird the whole time. And I feel like I was like, Oh, the provost, it's like, he has, you have magic. And he's supposed to, he's just a guy. Maybe he was a red herring. Maybe we're supposed to think that the provost was sending the Darkling. I feel like to some degree, it was like the provost is something. That's what I got. was like the provost is yeah something.
00:44:25
Speaker
But it turns out that the provost is just a provost. He's just running a school. Now, if he was an important character, he would have been at the beach party. Who's the provost, though? You can't put the dean at the beach party. The dean's going to be angry at the kids.
00:44:38
Speaker
Yeah, maybe they suspect that he could be sending Darklings because like, ooh, the principal, instead of getting sent to the principal's office, the principal's sending a Darkling.
00:44:50
Speaker
Yeah, I thought maybe too, maybe he's the head of the whole thing and like he's secretly pulling the strings. But no, he's he's just a guy who got a job. He did a job interview and got it. And he's good at it or he's not, I don't know. Tough to say.
00:45:04
Speaker
it's hard It's a hard call I'm leaning towards not. Probably not. Probably not. I didn't... I mean... It's... I can't tell whether or not these kids are getting a good education. None of them seem particularly smart.
00:45:19
Speaker
None of them seem particularly interested in learning. Yeah, it's true. yeah At no point do we see any of them studying. No. Well, I will say in the next scene, we do see Sarah go to the library. That's right.
00:45:38
Speaker
oh lord Oh, Lord have mercy. We're back in the library. heyo hello. It has been too long since we have had a character take care of exposition by going to the library.
00:45:52
Speaker
ah There she learned that the lost family used spider magic. So, yeah. So spiders again for a secret covenant. Yeah. They have books about them in the library.
00:46:11
Speaker
They're just on loan from the local historical society. Now, we then get, finally, we get a swim practice scene. And then we get a boy's locker room scene.
00:46:23
Speaker
Finally, if you were looking for some cheesecake in this movie, you're finally getting your cheesecake. We sure do. This is where hadn't been quite sure which one was Taylor Kitsch.
00:46:36
Speaker
beforehand I was pretty sure it was the one with the long hair who wasn't the bully. But in this, I wrote down, I was like, oh, okay, that one's definitely Taylor Kitsch. Look at those cum gutters.
00:46:48
Speaker
it It's undeniable. Good looking young man. Fair enough. He definitely, he, he cut some water weight for this role for sure. Also the, the scene where, uh, so I gotta look at my notes.
00:47:01
Speaker
So Chase and Caleb are racing each other. i it's like, it's like, first off, it's hard to tell them apart and then they're going to put them underwater. They're going to put them both in caps and goggles. And it's just like, who's going to win? It's like, I don't even know who is who.
00:47:17
Speaker
I have a hard enough time telling them apart when they're just standing together on lanes. Look, and it's like shows, it always cuts to them like above the water for the moment they're breathing. you hear like, and it's just like, this is so weird. Don't do it like this. This makes no sense. And it's shocking every time it happens.
00:47:36
Speaker
Okay. okay okay Okay. Okay. Here we go. Swim practice locker room scene. Aaron, remember Aaron? He's back. He's the most important man, the one we had to know from the beginning.
00:47:48
Speaker
He's the king of the school. And he tries to start something with Chase, the new kid, Sebastian Stan. But Chase tells him that he has a small dick and then punches him in the stomach.
00:48:02
Speaker
The witches are all impressed that Chase can do all this without magic. But first, he tries to choke him. And Chase is like super turned on by this and then also turned on by punching him. And it's like, you know what?
00:48:16
Speaker
See, here's that good Sebastian Stan scenery chewing that I mentioned earlier. Absolutely fair. and And I think let's talk about just for a second. Let's talk about queer baiting.
00:48:31
Speaker
Um, because I feel like this movie is, is doing that. Does anybody have any thoughts on queer baiting? I don't know how to open this can of worms, but I feel like we should at least peek inside. Oh, I don't want to get into it. for me ah It's very 2006. Like it's very much of its time.
00:48:53
Speaker
That's fair. That's fair to say. And we'll leave it at that. But we didn't ignore the elephant in the room listeners. Don't you worry. now ah I will say that it's unintentionally progressive of Tim Riggins to tell his girlfriend not to hang out with Sebastian Stan because he claims that Sebastian Stan is like hitting on his girlfriend, but he's also just seen him have a sexually charged encounter in the locker room. yeah So he is acknowledging the possibility of bisexuality.
00:49:32
Speaker
yeah that's fair. Hey, it's a victory, right? that But yeah, he does suspect that Chase is trying to steal Kate from him. Now later, Caleb drops off Kate at her house again, or at her dorm.
00:49:49
Speaker
and somewhere it doesn't matter that much drum du era the blonde sarah fuck yeah sarah he drops off sarah we anna and i did not learn this character's name for a solid 50 minutes into this movie yeah i checked the time uh he asked her uh to go to the fall formal which is also happening on his eighteenth birthday She's in. Perfect timing.
00:50:16
Speaker
Yeah. And also they make out. They make out a little bit. Get a couple of smooches. The next day we get another swim practice scene. And this time Chase challenges Caleb to a race. The scene Greg was talking about. Okay.
00:50:29
Speaker
I keep getting ahead of myself. It's okay. This, this movie is sort of, uh, it's not easy to keep straight. yeah I really had to focus up and I'm really glad I took notes.
00:50:42
Speaker
I honestly don't know whether this was supposed to be swim practice or an entire swim meet because there was like a lot of loud cheering in the background, but they never cut to a crowd.
00:50:53
Speaker
So I was not sure if it was just like, maybe these kids just love watching their boys swim. I mean, who doesn't look at these? So I was under the impression that since they both did the freestyle, that this was like the exhibition to determine who would get to do the freestyle and the next event.
00:51:12
Speaker
So the whole team is like just cheering on the event. Like, yeah, we got to pick the winner, go winner. it Yeah. You know how sports are like, yeah, ti work we're all sportsmen here. I think yeah we're sports people. We enjoy the sport.
00:51:28
Speaker
I want to make a sign that says go winner. yeah
00:51:35
Speaker
Uh, now Caleb, uh, chase challenges Caleb to a race. Uh, but during the race, we see chase's eyeballs turned magically black. The signature that one of the members of the covenant is using magic.
00:51:48
Speaker
It looks like chase can use magic and Caleb bonks his noggin on the wall of the pool. This prompts Caleb to return to school that night with Pogue.
00:52:00
Speaker
So he can break into the records office and steal chase's permanent record. And that's how they're going to figure out if he's a witch. Yeah. And it turns out that they do. They figure out that he is from the lost witch family.
00:52:16
Speaker
Chekhov's lost witch family.
00:52:20
Speaker
Meanwhile, Kate. One thing I want to point out. They went into a school. They went into a school to get his personal file. And in there, they found newspaper clippings and a birth certificate.
00:52:32
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Which is great. I love it. I got his birth certificate. It's like, what the fuck is his birth certificate doing in his personal file? Look at these newspaper clippings about his parents dying. It's like, why is this in there?
00:52:46
Speaker
Where did this come from? Maybe the provost is investigating. Maybe that's why the puppet master having kids. The provost is so involved. The provost is the mastermind.
00:52:59
Speaker
I think it's just a very elite school that runs thorough background checks on all students. Not thorough at enough because they didn't get that he killed these people.
00:53:11
Speaker
Please don't let him in. Do you think the private eye was like, I can't put in there that he's a witch. They'll think that I'm crazy.
00:53:20
Speaker
I swear to God, this guy's a witch, but I don't know.
00:53:24
Speaker
i I quit. I don't know. Here's all I found. I'm out of here.
00:53:31
Speaker
Now, Kate has been brought to the hospital because she was bitten by a bunch of phantom spiders. They're like, it's almost like she was bitten by a bunch of spiders.
00:53:42
Speaker
But yeah for some reason, we don't think that's what happened. HIPAA and FERPA do not exist in this universe. No, and it's true. Not for roommates.
00:53:52
Speaker
Come up Now, ah Caleb calls the covenant together. And finally, one hour into this movie, we get to see these four dudes sit down and talk to each other long enough for me to internalize who they are. Okay.
00:54:08
Speaker
So they're talking about Chase's, Sebastian Stan's characters, Chase's like birth name and how his birth name was Chase Goodwin Pope.
00:54:20
Speaker
yes And it takes him a shockingly long time to be like, where have I heard the name Goodwin Pope before? When he knows all this other stuff about the history, that's like, are you what?
00:54:35
Speaker
Goodwin Pope is not like, oh yeah, his name was Jim Smith. Where have I heard the name Smith before? like Goodwin Pope is not up there in our top 10 last names. Yeah.
00:54:49
Speaker
There's only five families. It's 20% of them.
00:54:54
Speaker
it's It's a very awkward explanation. There is one part where they bring out a magic ah burning book, as I recall, or glowing book, some sort of magical book.
00:55:07
Speaker
And once again, they're wasting their magic essence by just telekinescing it off of the bookshelf instead of just walking over and picking. Hey, good news is it's addictive. So use it, use it whenever and however you like.
00:55:21
Speaker
Yeah. It feels good to use it. Use it. It feels good to use it. I want to use my powers. I have another question. yeah um Because they're going through all this effort of like reading the old books and stuff. And we've established that it's the oldest male in each generation who has these powers.
00:55:40
Speaker
Yes. Obviously, that means all of these four boys have fathers. We know that Caleb's dad is out of the picture. That leaves three dads who should be available, which somehow did not occur to me until like this, the third or fourth time I've watched this movie, that there should be other dads there who know what's going on and could tell them like,
00:56:07
Speaker
Something. Any kind of information? Yes. yeah maybe theyre Maybe they suspected their dads of sending them dark legs.
00:56:16
Speaker
Let's face it. Absentee fathers were a real problem for this generation. you know They're probably off on the moon or in the astral plane. you know Not taking care of their families.
00:56:30
Speaker
Let's see. Okay. okay Here we go. They leave. Chase puts Pogue in the hospital by flipping his motorcycle over with magic. Caleb showed. I had to really jam out the rest of this because I was running out of room.
00:56:45
Speaker
Caleb shows up at Sarah's room to tell her that Pogue's in the hospital, but it turns out he's Chase in disguise. When the real Caleb shows up, Chase poisons Sarah with a magical spider and promises to kill everyone if Caleb doesn't will him his magical powers on his birthday.
00:57:02
Speaker
Chase heals Sarah and leaves. Sarah's very confused, but Caleb explains everything by introducing her to his fucked up dying father in the farmhouse. He's I know exactly how to explain this.
00:57:14
Speaker
There's somebody I want you to meet. My gross slug of a dad.
00:57:21
Speaker
He's 44. How do they get all these prescriptions for the dad? Like, is a doctor coming out to visit him or are they getting them under a fake name or what? like could Probably just forge the prescription document with magic. Maybe? Yeah, maybe.
00:57:38
Speaker
Yeah, hypnotize the doctor, maybe. bureaucratic fraud. Yeah. What you can't do, though, is magic up the pills every week because that's too much magic. What you want to do is you want to get the scription. And that yeah, you don't want to you don't want to burn through it that way because it's going age you out.
00:57:52
Speaker
I suppose it's nice that despite the fact that it is addictive and will age you prematurely, that there is a pill you can take once you get to that point to like right um keep it in check. Why can't he live in their house?
00:58:05
Speaker
Oh, because old. Right, but that house is this really whole old, huge New England mansion. It is perfect for having somebody trapped up in an attic somewhere that, like, you... Oh, there's no one up there. The neighbors just report spooky noises, but they're full of shit. Like...
00:58:26
Speaker
it is But here he can go outside. He can get some fresh air. you know never leaving that He likes it there. you He's never leaving that chair. He's in that all day. They push chair in front of the window. Well, that's that's nice of them to do that, at least.
00:58:42
Speaker
they They open it a crack. Our caretaker, Gorman, is a real sweetie. Yeah, definitely. That's Gorman.
00:58:50
Speaker
that that that at that the The next night, guess what? It's Caleb's birthday. Happy birthday,
00:59:05
Speaker
That's right. We got a birthday. heard that one. Yes. Is today his birthday? Yes. The yeah day of? So starting at midnight, 12.01 that morning, he turned Yeah. eighteen yeah But I think they when they said, like, oh, he's about to ascend, they it was like a specific time. it was like 11.12 or 12.11. Oh, right, right. Like the the time of evening when he was born, i think. yeah Yeah. Yeah.
00:59:36
Speaker
The moment his head came out of his mother's vagina. I did not get that because I... The clock started ticking. I saw that and I was like, do they think that a birthday turns over at 11 p.m.?
00:59:48
Speaker
And I was so confused. I was like, how are they going to make this fight last for 48 more minutes? What is happening here? yeah it See, drunk mom gave exposition but didn't mention like when you were born at 11, 12 p.m. It could have gone into some more specifics.
01:00:06
Speaker
no
01:00:09
Speaker
Caleb tells his boys to take Sarah to the fall formal for some reason. ah Chase kidnaps her from there. Anyway, reid and Tyler don't do fucking anything.
01:00:20
Speaker
Chase Crawford's character, what's his name, Tyler? Possibly. Really did not need to be in this movie at all. He had like three lines. oh Oh.
01:00:32
Speaker
That's mean. Tyler was my favorite. He was the sweetie.
01:00:39
Speaker
That's mean to say about Tyler. He was the sweet one.
01:00:44
Speaker
Now, ah let's see. ah We finally get to see these two guys having a magical duel. They finally have a magical fight yeah in the in the old colonial barn.
01:00:56
Speaker
Yeah. And i obviously, Sebastian Stan, once again, chewing the scenery. He has his classic line, I'm going to make you my wee-otch.
01:01:07
Speaker
Yeah. A line I'm going to say absolutely no one on earth would be able to deliver convincingly. A truly terrible piece of screenwriting. He tries so hard.
01:01:18
Speaker
i As soon as it played, I just rewound it and watched it again because it's gorgeous. He really delivers it about as well as anybody could. It is really good, too, because he's like clearly in a harness and they're lifting him up, so he's got no like indication that he is controlling his motion whatsoever. it's completely independent from his body. And as he's being foisted up onto the banster, he puts his hands on his hips.
01:01:46
Speaker
And because he's got, because he's in this rig, he's got this like broad chest. And so it's I'm going to make you my weatch. And it's so it's so beautifully dumb.
01:01:57
Speaker
It's just perfect. It's so good. ah He also, ah they start like shooting magical orbs of force at each other, which are transparent, which,
01:02:12
Speaker
Yes. And I've always said that if you want to spend money on CGI, it's best you make it look clear. Yes. that's hard to see it and you can't really tell what's happening despite the fact that you're spending thousands if not millions of dollars on using computers to derive this.
01:02:32
Speaker
ah data da data Yeah, they're fight, fight, fight. Oh my God, they fight forever. They fight a very long time. And we find out that that Chase, he's really powerful because his father willed him his magical power before he died. So he's got basically got like double witch power. He's double witch. And he's also already 18.
01:02:54
Speaker
Yes. Yes. And he's already ascended. His birthday was Bastille Day, according to the birth certificate or whatever in the thing. Oh, nice. So it looks like Chase is going to win.
01:03:06
Speaker
They're fighting and it looks like Chase is going to win. That's what's happening. At the last minute, Caleb's dad wills him his power. And now Caleb is effectively two wishes. He does that because his mom, who we've established, is always drunk.
01:03:24
Speaker
Yes. Drove. to the place where the dad lives because she could have just walked up the stairs if he lived in the attic. She's driving around town to see her ancient troll of a husband, which I thought that this 44 year old makeup was like, I mean, it's pretty accurate to an actual 44 year old, right? yeah Hey.
01:03:53
Speaker
I actually thought that the creepy makeup on the dad was pretty good. Yeah, it was effective. yeah I had no beef with it. But ah yeah, so Caleb uses his new double witch power to throw a big force ball that also has lightning and also fire.
01:04:13
Speaker
It's got three types of power in it. And it hits Chase and throws Chase back into the barn. And then the barn catches on fire.
01:04:24
Speaker
But the cops will later on say... There's no body. The end? ah du I just wrote, God bless Rennie Harlan.
01:04:38
Speaker
God bless you, Rennie Harlan. I looked up ah the filmography for um the guy who played Caleb, and it included unsold CW pilot, which seems like a sign that yeah there's you know, you're kind of scraping the bottom of the barrel when you're actually including your unsold pilots in your filmography on yeah Wikipedia.
01:05:03
Speaker
I would definitely cast him in my unsold. pilot He would.
01:05:10
Speaker
So final thoughts, five star rating. Where do people land on the covenant? I'll go first. Sure. I gave this one to three and a half stars.
01:05:23
Speaker
I thought there were lots of great fun moments here and there, but mostly every actor was very boring to me. ah I am not a particular Sebastian Stan fan. I'm not a Stan Stan.
01:05:37
Speaker
I think to me, this is my hot take. He's TV pretty. He's not movie pretty. Interesting. ah Which is why he fits in so well with the cast of the covenant.
01:05:50
Speaker
Yeah. But, uh, you know, obviously I had a great time talking about it. I think if you want have something light, you don't need something that's like too, uh, alienating that you can watch with your friends. This is a fun, bad movie. This isn't a bad time at all.
01:06:05
Speaker
I would give this four stars. I think it's a fun, yeah, I think it's a fun, bad movie to watch with people. Uh, and it and And again, yeah, it's definitely got that CW fantasy vibes that were really, you know, like getting started at that time and hadn't yet become a, you know, a tried and true formula. And it's just kind of fun seeing that in in movie form because there weren't a lot of movies with that with that exact vibe.
01:06:41
Speaker
That's fair. That's fair. How about you, Greg? So, um first off, I do want to say that it's very funny and somewhat unfortunate that they keep bringing up that this all started in Salem, but it's not about women.
01:06:54
Speaker
ah It's about dudes. It's just like, you remember those witches? Well, they're dudes now. It's like, well, that's weird. ah But anyway, um i was torn on how to...
01:07:06
Speaker
I was torn on how much I enjoyed this. So I have trouble because I do watch these movies alone. i had a blast, but sometimes it's a little difficult for me to figure out where I land. Speaking to people, I've upgraded my star rating to four, but I'm then going to kick it up a half a star to four and a half just for the phrase...
01:07:27
Speaker
I'm going to make you my Wii-O. It is difficult for me to put into... It's difficult for me to encapsulate how much that moment shined for me.
01:07:40
Speaker
I loved it. So it's worth the half a star. Fair enough. Fair enough. Hat, what are your final thoughts? Five stars.
01:07:51
Speaker
I'm going to say four. Mm-hmm. I've seen it a couple times before and I watched it with people and I think it was definitely more enjoyable with people. um I actually stopped watching this maybe two thirds, like shortly before they went to the dance um because I was like, man, I really want to play tears of the kingdom and this is taking forever.
01:08:19
Speaker
So I watched it the next day and I was like, okay, i can I can do the last 20 minutes or whatever it was. So, ah yeah. I think that um watching it with people, for me, was a key for it.
01:08:36
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, this is a fun this is a fun movie night movie. yeah Yeah, it's a good time. It's a real good time. Because there's plenty of dead air yeah look away and make fun of it with whoever you're watching it with grab some more chips or whatever yeah basically the first 40 minutes you you have plenty of time to settle into the covenant yeah it doesn't come out of the gate and don't worry if you arrive late you know just as much as everybody
01:09:09
Speaker
Well, are you guys ready to ah move on to the final portions of the show, the Act 3? Sure. sure all right. Well, we've heard our final thoughts and ratings, but let's hear what users of the Internet Movie Database had to say about Covenant in the review review.
01:09:44
Speaker
You wrote review of the film, now we're going to review you. Review, review, review, review, review.
01:10:05
Speaker
Review, review.
01:10:18
Speaker
All right, so I have four, 10 out of 10 reviews from IMDb that all came out within six months of this movie being released. Nice. Number one.
01:10:29
Speaker
Absolutely brilliant. 10 out of 10 by Emo Demi X. February 17th, 2007.
01:10:39
Speaker
All right. Well, I've seen a lot of bad comments for this movie, and I must say that I would have to disagree completely with them. This movie was perfect.
01:10:50
Speaker
Absolutely perfect. The acting was superb. You could really see the characters' emotions showing on their faces.
01:11:02
Speaker
That's the craziest fucking statement I've ever heard in my life. Mm-hmm. yeah These dudes were blanks. Tabula Russell. ah The fights were thrilling and kept you on the edge of your seats.
01:11:17
Speaker
If there was one thing bad about this movie, it was that the actors were probably the most gorgeous guys on earth. And it was hard to... And so it was hard to relate with them at times.
01:11:31
Speaker
But what's wrong with a few pretty boys trying to survive against a rivalry with another pretty boy? Well, nothing in my opinion. The storyline was good as well.
01:11:43
Speaker
And just when you think you know who the big bad guy is they switch it around. Really? Wait, what? I think it's the provost. I think you think it's the provost, but it turns out that it's Sebastian Oh, yeah. also maybe it's Reed.
01:11:58
Speaker
I just feel like the provost is something. i don't know and Maybe I'm crazy. Please write a fanfic prequel about the provost. I will read it. Caleb's struggles through life, friendship, and love is quite moving, and I'm extremely glad I went to see this movie three times.
01:12:22
Speaker
and the I like this person a lot. Yeah, that's great. yeah Great vibes from Emo Demi X. Salute. Review number two. I think Stephen straight is hot.
01:12:34
Speaker
Three exclamation points by Lenore 24, January 14th, 2007. I just bought this movie two nights ago and I've watched it five times.
01:12:47
Speaker
so I just can't get over how hot Stephen straight is. I love the whole movie. It's awesome. And I really hope that there is a sequel.
01:12:59
Speaker
I'd love to see Stephen straight in real life. I especially love the part when he is in battle with chase and his mother asks his father to will his power over to his son.
01:13:12
Speaker
It's awesome. Then he receives the power and kicks chase's butt. Smiley emoticon. The kissing scene was great too. Only I wish it was me kissing him and not Sarah. Smiley emoticon.
01:13:28
Speaker
Well, this concludes my comments on the movie. I hope everyone enjoys it as much as me. Smiley emoticon. And don't forget to check out Reed's tush in the movie.
01:13:40
Speaker
That's right. You do get to see Reed's tush in the movie. It's true. I like this person too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. ah Review number three. I love this movie. 10 out of 10 by Emily.
01:13:54
Speaker
Emily with two Ms. 83854. January 5th, 2007. This movie is great and everything that I love. I am sure that there is going to be a second one.
01:14:07
Speaker
If they don't, then I will be very mad. If you haven't seen this movie, you should and fast. This movie has action, suspense, horror, romance, and even thrills.
01:14:20
Speaker
I felt as if it should have been longer. It goes by really fast. Or maybe that was just because I was so into it. This movie also has really hot guys. So if you are a girl, you will die for this movie.
01:14:35
Speaker
If you are a guy, there are pretty girls too, but I am not going into that.
01:14:44
Speaker
It has a lot of originality to it. I wouldn't run out to the store and rent it. I would so totally buy it.
01:14:54
Speaker
Last but not least, forget every movie ever made. This is the best movie ever. yeah
01:15:05
Speaker
The movies, you mean The Covenant?
01:15:10
Speaker
Yes.
01:15:13
Speaker
By Brunette Cutie90. So she probably would have been about 16 when this came out. too And this review, September 25th, 2006. Everything about this movie is great.
01:15:27
Speaker
The action, suspense, the thrills, the list goes on. The passion in this movie was really great, too. I mean, Stephen Strait actually made me use the phrase, Humana, Humana, Humana.
01:15:40
Speaker
Watchwood's stomachs. And the actors they picked were great, too. Though the blonde kid's voice got on my nerves.
01:15:50
Speaker
I don't remember anything about that He only had like two lines. Yeah. And one of them was Harry Potter can kiss my ass. Yeah. and How can you complain about that? He's not a fine in that.
01:16:02
Speaker
Yeah. Still, this movie was the best movie ever. Forget all of my favorite movies. Because this one just became my number one.
01:16:13
Speaker
Nothing, I repeat, nothing beats The Covenant. Best and most awesome movie ever made. Watch it. I mean it.
01:16:24
Speaker
Get into your car and drive yourself to the movie theater right now.
01:16:30
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, that was great. Real upbeat fandom. yeah Yeah, just passion. You love it. Well, speaking of love, my wife has a game.
01:16:44
Speaker
All right. Well, let's play a little wins going on.
01:17:01
Speaker
And I said, hey, hey, hey,
01:17:43
Speaker
All right. Back in the second episode, we did a game on the filmography of Pierce Brosnan. ah before and after he played James Bond.
01:17:55
Speaker
So this is a similar one where I will give you a movie, the title, ah synopsis, and the role that Sebastian Stan plays.
01:18:06
Speaker
And you will tell me if that's before or after he first played Bucky Barnes in the MCU. Okay. okay Okay. And just ring in by saying your own name.
01:18:19
Speaker
Okay. Number one. Hot tub time machine. ah hot tub that is a time machine sends a man back to a fateful night in 1986 with two friends and his nephew.
01:18:31
Speaker
He plays Blaine. You said hat? Yes. Before. Yes. That is 2010. Okay. All right. yeah
01:18:44
Speaker
and twenty ten okay okay right Destroyer. a police detective reconnects with people from an undercover assignment in her distant past in order to make peace.
01:18:59
Speaker
Chris.
01:19:03
Speaker
Chris. Before. After. 2018.
01:19:13
Speaker
Alright. Number three. Monday. A romantic weekend filthling faces the Monday to come. Greg?
01:19:26
Speaker
Greg. After? Yes. twenty twenty 2020. Number four. The Architect.
01:19:38
Speaker
i An architect... Spars the angry residents of a housing complex he designed. ah He plays Martin Waters.
01:19:50
Speaker
Hat. Hat. After. Before. That's Savior's The Covenant, actually. Wow. Yeah.
01:20:02
Speaker
Young Martin Waters. Yeah. The Apparition. Three friends are haunted by the supernatural presence they summoned in a college experiment. He plays Ben.
01:20:14
Speaker
Chris. Chris. Before. After. 2012. All right, number six.
01:20:25
Speaker
The 355... An international group of hot lady spies. Wait until I'm finished reading the whole question. An international group of hot lady spies must stop some terrorists from doing bad stuff.
01:20:41
Speaker
ah He plays Nick Fowler.
01:20:45
Speaker
Chris.
01:20:48
Speaker
Chris. After. Yes. That's 2022. I think that was a Netflix joint. I think I'm watching on Peacock.
01:20:59
Speaker
It was not good. Okay. No, he's been in a lot of bad movies for someone who's actually a good actor. Anyway, okay, number seven, Red Doors.
01:21:12
Speaker
This is a coming-of-age story about a Chinese-American family in the New York City suburbs. He plays Simon. Greg? Greg. Before?
01:21:23
Speaker
Before? Yes, 2005. two thousand five Number eight. Ghosted. a man falls in love with a secret agent and is whisked off into intrigue.
01:21:39
Speaker
Hat. Hat. After. After, yes. 2023. Oh, yeah, he plays a character named God. God. he plays a character named god Not God, but a character named God.
01:21:55
Speaker
That also does not sound like a good movie. yeah And finally, ah we have Rachel getting married. A recovering addict returns home to attend her older sister's wedding. He plays Walter.
01:22:10
Speaker
Chris. Chris. Before. Yes, 2008. two thousand eight Okay, that was the last one, think...
01:22:21
Speaker
Chris just got that one. Oh, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris. Everybody loves it when I win. Chris, Chris, Chris. We sure do.
01:22:34
Speaker
Yes. The fans at home are going crazy. Oh, it's time for the Batty Awards.
01:22:47
Speaker
Now you're messing with a. Now you're messing with the Batty Awards. Now you're messing with the Batty Awards.
01:22:57
Speaker
Now you're messing with the Batty Awards.
01:23:03
Speaker
Congratulations to all the nominees.
01:23:13
Speaker
That's right. Congratulations to all our nominees. Congratulations to you, listeners. You've made it to the Batty Awards. The awards that we give out.
01:23:24
Speaker
Who wants to go first? I can go. Yes, Greg, take it away. All right. I am going to give my baddie award to ah perhaps the strangest and creepiest date I've ever witnessed in a film.
01:23:39
Speaker
ah When he's like, you want to run errands with me for my mom. It's like, well, that's first off, that's weird. But, you know. They're just looking for an excuse to spend some time together. So whatever.
01:23:50
Speaker
You know, he said he didn't want to go to the movies. He's got to go to an errand. Then errand involves driving past this old decrepit barn. That's the Pullman barn. I'd like to point that out. We'll learn later that that's where his ancestors were, uh...
01:24:03
Speaker
tortured and killed. And then we'll go to this old decrepit barn where we will be greeted by a man who will shoot a shotgun into the air. And I'll just say, Oh, that's just Gorman.
01:24:14
Speaker
I've got to go into this house for these pills. I'll be back inexplicably. It's a great date. I mean, that's definitely the two things you want to do on a date. Definitely. You never get a second chance to make a first impression. That's what I always say. And that is a very strong first impression.
01:24:32
Speaker
How about
Critiquing Key Scenes in 'The Covenant'
01:24:33
Speaker
you, Anna? Do you have a baddier word? I do. um it's actually um a scene you didn't mention. that you can learn a lot about how ah screenplays and novels are constructed by reading or watching bad ones.
01:24:53
Speaker
And in this case, there's a scene in the screenplay that made me yell, why are we seeing the scene? um ah When Chase gets called to the provost's office and the provost's office, the provost gives him back his student id that was in the dead kid's car.
01:25:16
Speaker
yeah yeah And like, you know, i see why it's in there from a making us suspicious of perhaps both chase and the provost, but we, we haven't spent any time. Like these are not our point of view characters.
01:25:34
Speaker
Yeah. Our point of view characters have only been Caleb or Sarah. And it just, it, it, you can't You can't do that. you just You can't do that.
01:25:45
Speaker
and It drove me crazy. yeah So I'm giving it an award because it was very frustrating to me. But it does, you know, you can learn about what not to do. That's true. This is a good movie for that.
01:26:03
Speaker
pat Do you have a Betty Warren? on I think for the cops of this town, because they don't seem particularly interested in doing their jobs. Like, yeah, they know they don't come to the school to ask any questions. As far as we can tell, they don't investigate the death of this kid.
01:26:27
Speaker
Not very effectively, that's for sure. And it, you know, it seems a little suspicious that he was like rotting in a car after being up at a party. Yeah. yeah Yeah. A little odd. little odd that he seems to be fodder for darklings. No one seems to care.
01:26:47
Speaker
who I'm going to give my Batty Award, of course, to the Worthy Adversaries.
01:26:57
Speaker
I search for a worthy adversary. Because, of course, once Caleb gains his father's power, Chase does say, oh, you're not doing that bad. Something to that effect. So technically, we hit the trifecta of kill switch sound alerts on this episode.
01:27:17
Speaker
We got a birthday. We got a library. We got a worthy adversary. That's something to celebrate. Definitely. Definitely.
Guest Farewell and Podcast Promotion
01:27:24
Speaker
pat Thank you so much for coming this week. It's been so great to see you.
01:27:28
Speaker
So great to hang out and talk. You've been a fantastic guest. Do you have anything that you want to plug? I don't really. a Thank you for having me.
01:27:39
Speaker
I'm going to plug this podcast. Oh, thank you. It's the best I can do. Yeah. ah Listeners, if you came by way of hat, hat is recommending that you continue listening.
01:27:53
Speaker
You wouldn't turn them down. Would you
01:27:57
Speaker
do Do you want people to be able to follow you? Do you want to leave a social or do you not want that? Is that not your vibe today? Is that how you're feeling? They've got it. If they've got it Fair enough.
01:28:08
Speaker
If you don't know, you don't deserve to know. Hat, you've been fantastic. Listeners, I'm going to plug our stuff real quick. You know how I do it. First of all, just like Hat was telling you, our friends at home, to listen to the show, you need to tell your friends out there to listen to the show.
01:28:27
Speaker
Post us on your
What's Next: Upcoming Episodes and Engagement
01:28:28
Speaker
timeline. If your coworker says, Hey man, what'd you do this weekend? And you don't want to tell them all the shit that you've been doing because it's not their business. You can just say, I listened to this podcast.
01:28:39
Speaker
that's That's what I do, except I can't do that for my own podcast. People don't believe us when we're trying to do word of mouth. They only believe you. We need you. If you want to leave us a five stars or if you want to follow the show so you can get notifications for when new episodes are coming out, that's great.
01:28:58
Speaker
Make sure you come back next week when we will be joined ah by Kev Kozer to talk about Joseph and the amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
01:29:10
Speaker
I'm excited. yeah I'm very excited. I certainly have loved every other Andrew Lloyd Webber adaptation for the silver screen I have seen. Have you watched Cats 2019 for this?
01:29:24
Speaker
We haven't yet. no one has selected it. Listen, I'm trying to find a reason to bring it up, so don't you worry. Yeah, well, we're due for a month of host picks. We could probably put yeah put that on the schedule. my Well, well yeah listeners, keep an eye out for that.
01:29:43
Speaker
If you want to keep an an eye out for announcements, ah there's a link tree there. You can follow us on our social medias. Uh, if you shoot us an email, I can get you an invite to the discord.
01:29:54
Speaker
I can even give you an invite to our private Plex server where we have all the movies that we have covered, uploaded, plus a bunch of other random stuff that I have put on there because it looked wild to me.
01:30:07
Speaker
Uh, so that's cool too, but until next time, thank you so much for listening. We really appreciate It means the world to us and, uh, be good.
01:30:19
Speaker
Goodbye. Goodbye. Bye.
01:30:24
Speaker
Bye. Bye.