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49. The One Where We Stop Outsourcing Our Happiness
15 Plays5 days ago
In this episode of The Mindful Educator Podcast, Victoria explores the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation, and why it matters for both ourselves and the children in our lives.
She unpacks how easy it is to hand our happiness, confidence and sense of success over to outside things - praise, likes, awards, money, grades or recognition - and why this can leave us feeling powerless.
Victoria shares real-life examples around exercise, social media, children’s achievements, rewards, behaviour, business and personal growth, encouraging listeners to reflect on what is truly driving their choices.
This episode is a reminder to come back to yourself, to check in with your “why”, and to build confidence, happiness and fulfilment from within.
In this episode Victoria talks about:
- The difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation
- Why external validation can become a trap
- How social media likes, awards, praise and recognition can influence us
- Why rewards are not always bad, but should not be our only reason
- How this shows up in children through behaviour, grades, sport and chores
- The importance of helping children feel proud of effort, not just outcomes
- Why doing something for yourself is more sustainable long-term
- How to stop outsourcing your happiness to other people
- The power of asking, “Who am I actually doing this for?”
Key Takeaways
Extrinsic motivation comes from outside of us. It might be money, praise, awards, grades, likes, approval or recognition.
Intrinsic motivation comes from within. It is doing something because it feels meaningful, aligned, enjoyable or important to you.
When we rely only on external validation, we hand our power away.
Rewards can be helpful, but they become a problem when they are the only reason we do something.
For children, it is important to help them value effort, growth, resilience and self-pride, not just winning, grades or rewards.
True confidence, happiness and fulfilment need to be built from within first.
Connect with Victoria
If this episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear from you.
📧 Email: hello@victoria-r.com.au
📱 Instagram: @the.victoria.r
🌐 Website: www.victoria-r.com.au
If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend, family member, educator or parent who might benefit from it. Your support helps these conversations reach more people and create a ripple effect of greater awareness, connection and wellbeing.
Thank you for being here and for joining me on this journey towards a calmer, more connected and more fulfilling life.
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Transcript
Introduction & Technical Glitch
00:00:37
Speaker
Hello everyone, welcome to the Mindful Educator podcast. So this is actually take two for this episode. um My computer had a complete meltdown in the middle of recording this episode and didn't save it. So let's give this one a go. and's My laptop doesn't throw a wobbly and um kick me out this time. So today's topic is talking about our intrinsic versus extrinsic
Understanding Motivation Types
00:01:05
Speaker
motivation. And you might be like, oh my gosh, Victoria, what on earth are you talking about?
00:01:09
Speaker
But essentially it's understanding why happiness can't necessarily be found outside of ourself and looking at what's actually motivat motivating us as we do things. Now, this topic was actually one that we went through quite a bit at university because it was one of those things when talking about like children's behavior and children's approach to things, you know, do we reward them like, you know, having the reward jars and the points and all that sort of thing. And it was like, well, yeah, kind of understanding the difference between them wanting to do it for themselves or them wanting to do it because there was going to be a reward or something in it for the end at the end of that forum. So,
00:01:47
Speaker
When we're talking about extrinsic motivation, let's start with this one. So extrinsic is essentially an external reward or outcome that we're getting. All right. So some examples of this could include things like receiving money, getting praise for something, getting recognition for something, getting an award, um your grades, social media likes, approval from others or validation for something.
00:02:11
Speaker
And What this means is, you know, if you're only going to the gym because you're trying to look good for other people, all right, that could be an example, you know, starting a business because you want the status of having a business or the recognition of having it. You're constantly checking your social media to see how many likes, how much is engagement you've had, you know, whether you've gone viral yet or not. Or, you know, you're only feeling successful when someone else says that you are.
00:02:39
Speaker
And so the the kind of the trap that we fall into with when it comes to extrinsic motivation is it means that we're not we're not kind of, we're we're outsourcing our happiness to other people essentially. If you're like, oh, I'm i'm happy when things go viral, or I'm so happy now that this has happened and that person's done something for me or whatever it might be, we're constantly giving our power away, all right? it means that we're relying on other people around us or circumstances or events to essentially determine our happiness, right?
Impact on Self-Worth & Behavior
00:03:13
Speaker
And I don't know about you, but that doesn't really sit right with me. It also means that things like your motivation, however fleeting it may be, depending on the day, we're relying on someone else to or something else to be causing that.
00:03:30
Speaker
And it's really interesting seeing it from like looking at our children and and that perspective. So often we use extrinsic motivation for things like maybe their jobs around the house or You know, we want them to get a good grade. So, you know, we we bribe them with whatever it might be. um You know, they there might be running a race or swimming in a race and there might be obviously there's there's the opportunity to actually get a medal or a reward um as a result of it as well. So it's it's looking at these things and going, okay, so even if even if we ran that race or we cleaned our room or we did something, how would we be feeling if there was no reward, prize, something that we were given at the end of it?
00:04:22
Speaker
Would we still feel content with ourself if, perhaps we didn't get the top grade in the class, would we still be okay and proud of ourselves for what we did get?
00:04:33
Speaker
Or would we be all sad and down on ourselves and saying how stupid we are if we don't get the the grade that we wanted? No? or if you're in a running race and you don't come first, are you just going to give up and have a tantrum and go, no, that's it, lie, i'm I'm a stupid runner, I'm never doing it again?
00:04:50
Speaker
right, or would you still be okay with the fact that you know that you gave it your all and win or no, like you did your absolute best and you're proud of yourself for doing that? So this is where...
Benefits of Intrinsic Motivation
00:05:02
Speaker
We need to kind of be aware of this, not only in ourselves, but also with the children in our lives and how we're actually approaching this with them as well and how we approach it with ourselves. all right. So like I said, you know, if if you're going to the gym purely to look good for other people, right, there's a very good chance that that's not going to be sustainable long term. All right. You won't want to keep doing that.
00:05:24
Speaker
right And if people don't notice or acknowledge that you're looking good, how's that going to make you feel? Will it encourage you to keep going to the gym? No, for me now, especially now that I'm a little bit older, i i debate whether I'm a little bit wiser, depends on the day.
00:05:42
Speaker
But, you know, for me, going to the gym, it's not about anyone else. I could give two craps what anyone else thinks of the way I look. For me, it's about how I actually feel within my body, how I feel within myself, all right, what it actually does for me mentally and physically and how good I feel when I walk out of there again. Even if I'm tired or had a crappy day, I know that I can go and do a session and I'm going to feel so much better as a result, all right. So this is where it's like it doesn't matter,
00:06:11
Speaker
if people knew that I go to the gym or they don't, you know, no matter what, I still feel good about what I've done. right. And that means that, I'm kind of keeping that power within myself. I'm not giving it away to anyone else.
00:06:24
Speaker
It means that I'm feeling good about what I've done no matter what. And yeah, some sessions are going to be better than others. And that's just the way it goes. All right. But this is where having that intrinsic motivation is really good. It really comes into play, especially as we face these challenges and these things that maybe require a little bit more resilience and a little bit more grit because it's not necessarily easy to move through.
00:06:48
Speaker
So intrinsic motivation essentially is doing something because it's meaningful to you. all right because it's enjoyable, because it aligns with your values. It's because you want to do it. you know And it's not saying it's going to be easy, but it means that it it it's feeling good within your body. You're not relying on anyone else to validate you, to puff smoke up your butt, you know to to make it out like you're absolutely amazing. all right If no one else sees what you're doing, are you still going to feel good about doing it?
00:07:20
Speaker
You know, if you, like I always laugh and I ah don't know how to take You know how when people post on social media, like they're random acts of kindness that they've done. That's great.
00:07:32
Speaker
Do you need to tell everyone though? You know, is it really a random act of kindness if you're doing it to get, you know, so many views or likes? How did it actually make you feel doing it? Did it feel good within yourself? Is it something that you genuinely want to be doing it? You know, this is where I'm like, do we really need to be posting that?
00:07:51
Speaker
might each their own. All right. Could be as a little bit of a motivation and reminder for others. No worries with that. But if people are constantly doing it just for likes and shares and to go viral, then perhaps their motivation for doing it is a little bit more extrinsic than intrinsic.
00:08:07
Speaker
So the thing with intrinsic motivation, when it comes from ourselves, it means that things are more sustainable. It's more long-term. It's more likely to
Evaluating Personal Motivation
00:08:16
Speaker
stick. It's because we actually want to do it. all right. so this is where we don't want to be giving our power away. We don't want to be constantly relying on other people's to give us that motivation that we need.
00:08:31
Speaker
So some questions to ask yourself when it comes to these things and even to ask your children or the children in your lives, who exactly are you trying to impress? Who is it that you're trying to impress? Is there anyone that you're trying to impress? Are you doing it just because it it's for you? You're trying to impress yourself. you know What is exactly is it that you're chasing right now?
00:08:51
Speaker
Are you wanting to go viral? Is that why you're doing it? Or are you actually wanting to help people? You know, where is where are we sitting with this? If nobody saw this achievement, would it still matter to you?
00:09:05
Speaker
so if nobody saw you come first in the race or get an A plus on the grade or get a high distinction at uni or whatever it might be, would it still matter to you?
00:09:17
Speaker
see with that one. right. And then am I doing this because I actually genuinely want to or am I doing it just because I want approval? And these are really important questions, like I said, to ask yourself and to ask others as well.
Social Media's Influence on Motivation
00:09:32
Speaker
You know, so often we're passing and giving away our power to people we don't even know, right? And this is where, like I said, social media can be great, but it can also, yeah really kind of grind my gears. You know, if you are putting a post up and you're wanting it to be seen by thousands of people and it isn't,
00:09:55
Speaker
Will you take that post down? Will you be berating yourself? Will you be saying you're useless, you're stupid? Like why on earth would you post that? Or would it just simply be like, oh, okay, move on. All right, it felt good to me. I posted it. Yay, I'm happy. Like that felt really good.
00:10:10
Speaker
you know and this is it for me. like i But things like social media and all the rest of if I can help just one person, if I can improve the life of just one person and just make them stop and think and go, hmm, That to me means the absolute world. you know Yes, it would be great if I could you know reach bajillions of people, but if I don't go viral, I don't care.
00:10:35
Speaker
It doesn't matter. It's not going to stop me doing what I'm doing. It's not going to mean that I'm in a pile on the floor crying because you know my post didn't go viral or people didn't like or comment on it. So be it. all right As long as it's helped at least one person.
00:10:52
Speaker
right? That to me means so much more. And even if, you know, like i said, nobody sees it. I mean, social media, I'm sure people will see it, but you know what i mean Like at least, at least it's out there. At least I know that I'm proud of what I'm putting on my, my page and my feed and within my work. Um, that to me means so much more. I'm not doing this, you know, if for for fame or for money or for whatever it might be. I'm doing it because this is something that I genuinely love. And this is where we need to check back in with
Balancing External Rewards & Self-Satisfaction
00:11:22
Speaker
ourselves. Why we doing it? Is it for us or is it for someone else?
00:11:26
Speaker
Now, obviously, when it comes to things like our jobs and things like that, can be a little bit different because, yes, there is that extrinsic motivation. Yes, we do need our pay at the end of the day. And that is okay as well. I'm kind of talking more about those other things that we do, the things that, you know, like I said, you' your habits every day, you're putting your posts up, the way that you kind of respond and, you know, are you doing things only to get ah an award at the end of it? Are you doing it because you genuinely want to help people? You know, this is where, like I said, we need to constantly check back in with ourselves and
00:12:00
Speaker
So rewards aren't always bad. That's not always a bad thing. I'm not saying no to rewards. It's one of those things that can be just as great as anything else. But like I said, we need to we need to know why we're doing it, right? And, you know, an example is, you know, if there's like a fitness challenge where if you, you know, make the most progress during that time, you can win $10,000. Now, there are there are programs like this out there. It's a thing.
00:12:24
Speaker
How would you feel if you didn't win that $10,000 at the end of it? Would you be like, nah, this was crap. Nah, I'm not doing it anymore. What a waste of time. I can't believe I did that and didn't get any recognition for it. Or would it be a case of like, oh, okay, I didn't win. But hey, look, I am fitter. i am stronger. I am healthier. I feel so good within myself. I've really set myself up for good habits. I'm so happy to be just like, you know, have this as a kickstart that I needed. know, see how very differently, but you know, that approach is to different things that we do in life.
00:12:56
Speaker
so like I said, just check in with yourself. Why are you actually doing this? Is it for you or is it for someone else? You know, let's just focus on kind of checking in with that and making sure that we're not handing our happiness and everything away and our power away to other people. All right.
00:13:12
Speaker
You know, that external validation. Yes, it's always lovely when we get people saying, oh, great job. You did really well, you know, but we also need to feel that within ourselves as well. We also need to be able to kind of pump up our own ties even when no one else is. um So just keep that in mind especially when it comes to our children as well and the children in your life and how you approach things with them. Anyway, I'd love to know love to know your thoughts on this and kind of how you view the extrinsic and intrinsic motivation side of things.
00:13:44
Speaker
So just know that, you know, we need to generate our own happiness, our own confidence, our own fulfillment within our own lives and within ourselves before anything else. And we want to make sure that the children in our lives are doing that for themselves as well. All right. have an amazing rest of the day and i will speak to you all next week.