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43. The One Where We Stop Sacrificing Ourselves
17 Plays27 days ago
In this honest and heartfelt solo episode of the podcast, Victoria opens up about a week that felt heavy, overwhelming, and emotionally exhausting - and the surprising realisation that so many other women were feeling exactly the same way.
From mental load and burnout, to the pressure women place on themselves to “do it all,” this episode is a powerful reminder that constantly sacrificing ourselves for everyone else is not sustainable… and it’s not the way life is meant to feel.
Victoria shares her own mini-meltdown moment, the emotional release that came through a transformative breathwork session, and the important wake-up call that followed: something has to change.
This episode explores: ✨ Why so many women are running on empty ✨ The hidden emotional build-up behind overwhelm and burnout ✨ The mental load women carry every single day ✨ Learning to delegate and share responsibility within the household ✨ Why “done differently” doesn’t mean “done wrong” ✨ The importance of boundaries, rest, and nervous system regulation ✨ The guilt many women feel around slowing down ✨ Why self-sacrifice has become so normalised in society ✨ Raising children to contribute and take responsibility ✨ Letting go of perfection and control ✨ The importance of checking in with your capacity ✨ Small ways to begin filling your own cup again ✨ Reflecting on the life you actually want to be living
This conversation is a reminder that: 🤍 You are allowed to rest 🤍 You are allowed to ask for help 🤍 You are allowed to stop doing everything 🤍 You are allowed to create a life that feels good for you too
If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed, overstimulated, emotionally exhausted, or like you’ve completely lost yourself in the constant “doing,” this episode is for you.
Mentioned In This Episode
✨ 4-Month Coaching Package Victoria is currently offering $300 off her 4-month coaching package using the code MDAY26 at checkout (available until Sunday).
This coaching is designed for women who are ready to: – calm their nervous system – stop living in constant overwhelm – reconnect with themselves – shift old patterns and beliefs – create healthier boundaries – build a life that actually feels aligned and fulfilling
Connect with Victoria
Website: victoria-r.com.au
Instagram: @the.victoria.r
Email: hello@victoria-r.com.au
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Transcript
Collective Energy and Overwhelm
00:00:37
Victoria R
Hello, welcome to this week's episode of the Mindful Educator podcast. Thank you so much for joining me today. so i had a very interesting week last week and I feel like it was a bit of a collective energy because everyone I kind of spoke to was feeling much the same. And it was a sort of week where I felt really overwhelmed by everything. There was a lot happening there's just, you know, like behind the scenes, you you kind of, you never know really what's going on in someone's life. And everyone I was speaking to was feeling like really frantic almost. And like they they were just completely snowed under, completely overwhelmed. And I was feeling the same as well.
00:01:20
Victoria R
And I was like, what is going on? I still don't know what was going on. But if you if you were feeling this way last week as well, please let me know.
00:01:31
Victoria R
But it was almost to the point where, yeah, it was it was really weighing on me. It was really affecting my mood, how I was showing up, all the rest of it. And I ended up kind of having a bit of a mini meltdown on, I think it was like on the Thursday because I was like, oh, my gosh.
00:01:47
Victoria R
I can't keep doing this. And I don't know whether it coincides with, you know, the time in the cycle or the rest of it, whether that's kind of what brings it on. But all I know is that it was, like I said, everyone I spoke to was feeling this. Everyone just like, whoa, what is going on Why are we not coping with things?
00:02:08
Victoria R
And me being me, it gets me thinking about things as always. And I guess one of the things that has constantly come up for me and which I'm always questioning and wondering why, but why as women do we always feel the need to sacrifice so much of ourselves for everyone else?
Burnout and Boundaries
00:02:34
Victoria R
And this is Partly what contributes to probably what everyone was feeling last week. You know, we give so much of ourselves so much of the time. We give it to our partners, to our children, to our workplaces, to everyone else around us.
00:02:52
Victoria R
And we really have nothing left for ourselves. And then we wonder why. wonder why we're struggling to cope with things. And I'm like, why do we do this to ourselves? Why is it that we are still at this point where we deem that as normal? It's normal to sacrifice so much of yourself. It's normal to, you know, constantly be on the go. Give, give, give, give, give giving yourself to everyone but yourself.
Mental Load and Task Necessity
00:03:24
Victoria R
And this is where the work that I do is trying to focus on ensuring that we're not giving away all of ourselves, that we're not completely burning ourselves out. And I think it's a good reminder that even even though I've been there, I've hit burnout, I still have those moments where I overextend myself. And I think last week was a good example where I was just like, whoa. And so for me, it was like, okay, enough.
00:03:52
Victoria R
Like, where do I need to put my boundaries back in place? Where do I and kind of need to limit what I'm doing? Or perhaps, you know, just say no. Or, you know, do I really need to be doing this thing? And it's really a case of, right, we need to look at what we're doing. And I see so often with clients that I work with, just that that complete, it's almost like you just feel so hopeless. You feel so overwhelmed. so just like, I
Emotional Release and Acknowledgment
00:04:19
Victoria R
don't know how.
00:04:20
Victoria R
to get out of this because that to-do list is a mile long. The mind is constantly racing with everything that needs to be done, that that mental load that we always seem to have at the back of our mind, these little things that just need to occur.
00:04:36
Victoria R
I think one of the things that actually um kind of was like, oh, kind of got me a little bit paid off was, you know, the whole Mother's Day thing. So I had a Mother's Day stall at school and my husband forgot to give the kids money for it. and So, of course, I had to give them some money for it. And I was like, seriously? Like it was just one of those things where he's like just one one thing that I shouldn't have to worry about and yet I was doing.
00:05:04
Victoria R
And so it was like I think, you know, he was just saying the straw that broke the camel's back. It was that sort of thing. I was like rah. So Thursday I was very ragey. um Probably didn't help that I also – took part in a transformative breathwork session for the first time. So it allowed a lot of these feelings that often we keep pushing down, it it came up. um And that's the thing. That's another thing that I wanted to bring up is how often we do push our own feelings, needs. We suppress, suppress, suppress, suppress. the breath And then all of a sudden, boom, it's like a big volcano and everything comes out all at once.
Sharing Responsibilities with Children
00:05:41
Victoria R
And we're yelling and we're screaming and we're crying and we're feeling all the feels. And everyone around us is like, where the heck did that come from? Not realising that it's a series of little things that have been building up for weeks or months, depending on how long it's been, until it's overflowing. It's got nowhere else to go. We can't keep pushing it down and up it comes.
00:06:00
Victoria R
And so it's like, well, Why why are we doing this? And so a few things that... I think we need to remind ourselves of, and and these reminders are good for me as well, because like everyone, I can get caught up in it. And even though i help women with this, of course, there are times when I forget myself. We're only human. This is what happens. And so it's like, okay, let's let's look at our to-do list. What is something that perhaps we can not have on there at all like do we have to do all these things that are on our to-do list like is it really important is the world going to end if this doesn't get done and a lot of the time it's these high expectations we hold for ourselves and we wouldn't expect anyone else to be doing all this so why are we expecting ourselves to do all that you know so if there's something that doesn't need to be done just cross it off if it's not a priority
00:06:56
Victoria R
Leave it for another day. all alright What about looking at what can
Delegation and Control
00:07:00
Victoria R
be given to someone else to do? Do we have to be doing all this ourself? No, we don't. And I think one of the things that you will find and one of the things that I'm finding is that as my children are getting older,
00:07:12
Victoria R
It's a case of teaching them to start taking on some of this responsibility because it's not just up to me to be running the whole household. It's not. Not anymore. Maybe when they were babies, of course, like totally different. it's not like they can help, but they're becoming little functioning human beings themselves. And I want them to have these skills and this know-how as to how to be a contributing member of a household and society. So it makes sense that I'm going to ask them to take on a little bit more responsibility. Of course, they are still on a pretty good wicket, don't get me wrong. But like, for example, last night, one of my children started making dinner.
00:07:50
Victoria R
Did they get it right? Of course not. I don't expect them to either because it's a case of, they haven't done this much before so it was yes we're guiding them we're helping them but they managed to chop the veggies and put them in the oven they managed to crumb the chicken and get that ready for dinner as well you know and it was a hello fresh recipe so it was all very easy to and set out but I'm like that's a really good skill for them to have because we want them to be able to feed themselves when they leave home and So part of, all right, it's not up to me to do dinner all the time. Someone else can actually contribute and help with it as well.
00:08:28
Victoria R
And so it's, again, looking at everything. Do we have to do it all? Guess what, ladies? We don't. We don't need to do all. All right, so just start thinking about these things. Where can we delegate? Where can we remove entirely from our list of things to do? And I really want us to focus on not not feeling like,
00:08:55
Victoria R
This is another thing. We feel like if it's not done our way, it's not done correctly. And that's not the case. People are more than capable of doing things. We just have an idea in our head of how we think it should be done.
00:09:11
Victoria R
Just because it's different does not make it wrong.
Challenging Traditional Gender Roles
00:09:15
Victoria R
And we need to learn to kind of let go of that control a little ble bit. And I understand why we kind of get that control because for so often or so long, we've just been getting on with it and doing it ourselves.
00:09:27
Victoria R
But if we want to kind of ease all this pressure, if we want to kind of Let our nervous system just have that opportunity just to start relaxing. We need to give responsibility to other people and we need to be like, okay, that's not the way I would do it, but it's okay.
00:09:46
Victoria R
It's okay because they're doing it. They're doing it their way. All I often read these things in, I don't know why I'm part of some of them, but in Facebook groups and people write in there like, oh, they did this and they did that and it was all wrong. It's like, well, how the fucking you, like, I can't even talk properly. How the fucking you, like, they're actually doing it in the first place that, you know, they're putting a load of washing on. Okay, so it wasn't how you did it. Who cares? Well, I had one of my children the other week. Now that they can reach the line, I asked them to hang out the washing. Was it done the way I would do it?
00:10:20
Victoria R
Of course not. Was I grateful that it was done? Hell yeah. It was so great that they were able to hang this load of washing out. And why would it have to be just up to me to do that?
00:10:33
Victoria R
It was their clothes as well. So why is it just me having to wash everything? And I think this is where we kind of get caught in that trap where it's like it's assumed the responsibility of the woman to be doing these things in a household.
00:10:47
Victoria R
And that's not how, that's no, no, no, no. no Let's start changing that narrative, please. It's the responsibility of everyone in the household to contribute. And we need to remember this and we need to be reminding our partners of this. We need to be reminding our children of this. If you've got housemates, remind your housemates of this, like so so on and so forth. It's the responsibility of everyone, right? And for a household to run, right It's not just up to one person to make it run.
Recognizing Limits and Societal Expectations
00:11:14
Victoria R
And I think this is where it took me a really long time to learn this. I honestly felt it was my responsibility to be doing everything because I was staying at home because I had, um you know, chosen to be a stay at home mom, we were able um for us to be able to do that. It was like, okay, well, everything is up to me. And at that, I wouldn't say everything was up to me at that time, but as I'm obviously, as the kids have gotten older, as I've gone back and stepped into the workplace more and more and more, that is not the case anymore. It's not all up to me. It should be a joint responsibility. And this is almost where we're kind of retraining everyone's minds to be like, okay, it's up to us all now. Let's ah let's pick up the game, people. And so,
00:11:58
Victoria R
I guess I'm asking you guys just to have a look at what you're doing and where perhaps you can have other people step in and help out as well. And on top of this, I also want us to remember that it is okay to rest. It is okay to sit down and enjoy a cup of tea. It is okay to sit down and to eat your lunch in peace without, you know, having to be rushed on the go.
00:12:25
Victoria R
And again, we feel like we don't deserve that or we shouldn't be doing that or we feel guilty when we do sit down to rest. And this is, it really pisses me off because our bodies are not designed to keep going a million times an hour. Like they need rest. There's a reason that our bodies need sleep every single night. And there's also a reason that we are required to have those slower moments.
00:12:56
Victoria R
And if we keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, our system becomes overloaded and it can take months, it can take years, but eventually it will get to the point where it cannot handle it anymore. And this is where I am seeing so many women, so many women at the moment,
00:13:15
Victoria R
with so many different health issues with so much overwhelm with like you look at them and you can see physically that they are done where you know there's tears there's you know that feeling of helplessness it's just it's over like it's it's just a lot it's a lot and seeing it I'm seeing it everywhere I'm seeing it so much and I have to bite my tongue a lot of the time because I'm having conversations with women that, you know, are describing what's going on, describing how things have changed within their bodies.
00:13:54
Victoria R
And i know from looking at these women that they don't get a moment to rest, that their lives are very, very full.
00:14:05
Victoria R
And again, how much of ourselves are we going to keep sacrificing for other people? And this is where it is hard for me because I can see what's going on, but until someone is ready to hear it or ready to make the change, it's very,
00:14:23
Victoria R
It's a bit of a balancing act. Like I can kind of drop hints, but it's also not really my place to be like, this is what's going on because people aren't always ready to hear that. And so this is where I'm like, e I can see it. I can kind of give you hints, but you also need to kind of come to that realization yourself and then be ready to seek the help that you need.
00:14:48
Victoria R
And that can be really hard for me to be like, oh, I just want to say something, but I can't. but And morally, it's it's a very tricky one because you're trying to be supportive and I can see what's going on. And the same time, like I said, we we all need to understand that.
00:15:10
Victoria R
It's a personal thing. it it You have to be ready to firstly see the problem, see
Balancing Change and Norms
00:15:16
Victoria R
and be aware of what's actually going on and then actually be willing to do something about it.
00:15:22
Victoria R
um And some people can see what's going on and they are well aware of it, but they're not yet ready to do anything. And this is where it's like, okay, they need, that they just need a bit more time. They need a bit more time to recognize it or they need to get to their point where they're like, no more. Cause we've all got that point. We've all got that threshold where we're like, no, this is my limit. I can't keep doing this.
00:15:49
Victoria R
And my hope is that these women see that and get to that point before it has too much of a detriment on their health, both physically, mentally, spiritually, all the rest of it.
00:16:02
Victoria R
And so, again, it's just like how how do we kind of start making this change, not just within ourselves but kind of as a society as a whole, to recognise that it is not up to us to sacrifice our happiness, our bodies, our minds, our everything for those around us.
00:16:30
Victoria R
We need to understand that the better we are feeling, the better we are looking after ourselves, the better it is for everyone.
00:16:41
Victoria R
And I know I've said this before and I'm going to keep harping on about it because obviously this is something I'm very passionate about. But we really need to recognise that, yeah, wait we can then give more from this overflow. if we've We've got more to give. We've got more capacity. We can, you know,
00:17:02
Victoria R
yeah I'm feeling great. I want everyone around to meet me to be feeling great. We can give more in the best way, not in the everyone's taking a piece of us sort of way. All right. So this would be like, I'm i'm choosing to do this.
00:17:16
Victoria R
And another conversation that has kind of come up in all of this is the whole thing around like volunteering and how there's always the same select people that are volunteering. And it's like,
00:17:29
Victoria R
i could I could go on about this one. I could. ah For me personally, this year, I have stepped right back from all of that. For years, I have been on committees. I have been doing different things within the community, within the school community, or when we were in playgroup, doing the playgroup community. I can't even talk properly today. But this year, I have actually taken a huge step backwards. And There was definitely some guilt doing that initially. And then I was like, actually, you know what, Victoria, this has been like almost 10 years of you doing something. I think it has been probably about 10 years of doing something in some capacity, volunteering somewhere within the community. And it's like, you know what, our town is actually growing at a rate of knots. There's a lot of people in town.
00:18:21
Victoria R
Why can they not step up just even for like 12 months? And if everyone did that, imagine how much better it would be for everyone because then people aren't getting overwhelmed. People aren't getting burnt out. People aren't going, F you, I'm done. I'm done with this. And it would mean that once again, we're sharing that load.
Life Goals and Avoiding Undesirable Routines
00:18:37
Victoria R
So it's like, okay, let's get other people kind of moving through and doing this and helping out as well. felt Like I said, I could rant about that one for a little bit, but I'm going to rein myself in. So what i would like us to remember is firstly,
00:18:55
Victoria R
please just have a look at what you think you're expected to do and actually go through and work out, is this all your responsibility or can this be a shared responsibility?
00:19:07
Victoria R
I also want you to look at where you're perhaps giving too much of yourself in different ways. Maybe it is to other people or to work or to something else that has come through you Think about whether you need to be giving that that much of yourself to something else.
00:19:27
Victoria R
And then also start looking at where you can start filling your own cup up again. What are some things that you love doing? What are some things that you just want to take, you know, 15 minutes to do every day?
00:19:39
Victoria R
Or if 15 minutes sounds too overwhelming, cut it right back and do five minutes. What's something you can spend five minutes on a day? And of 24 hours, i I'm going to ask you very strongly to find that five minutes. Okay, I'm not asking you for an hour. I'm asking you for five minutes. to Do something for yourself. Something small could be a meditation. it could be a cup of tea. It could just be sitting on the couch staring at a space. I don't care. Whatever it is that you love doing, do that five minutes. All I'm asking.
00:20:12
Victoria R
Okay. And then just start thinking about how you actually want your life to be looking going forward. Do you want to continue doing what you're doing now? Do you want this to be your role for the rest of your days?
00:20:29
Victoria R
Is this what you want for yourself and your life? Or is there another dream or another vision that you have for your life?
Self-Care and Reassessing Responsibilities
00:20:38
Victoria R
When you get to the end of your days, what do you want to look back on and what do you want to be seeing yourself doing, enjoying, remembering, living?
00:20:48
Victoria R
All right, so often we're just in the, you know, autopilot. We're not really paying attention to what we're doing, where we're going. We get up, we go through the motions. We do the same thing, copy, paste every single day.
00:20:59
Victoria R
Is this actually what you want to be doing though? All right, and if it's not, if it's not, reach out to me. This is where I can help you. All right, just remember, as I always say, we're going to get this one life.
00:21:16
Victoria R
We want to be making sure it is the absolute best freaking life we can have and we want to milk all the goodness out of it that we can. So if you're feeling like, oh, that's not really me right now, how can we change this? How can we start getting towards being the person, having the life that you actually want to have? And if you've actually really never thought about that,
00:21:39
Victoria R
oh, well, maybe you need to start thinking about it. Maybe this can be a little wake-up call to go, right, well, what do I actually want my life to look like? What do I want to be doing for me? And I know at some seasons of our life it can be really tricky to even have the clarity to think about this. But think about the things that you love doing. Think about the things that you're good at. Think about, you know, what you kind of dreamt of when you were little and go from there. See if anything comes up. Because ah often, more often than not, we're kind of just going through the motions and it's actually not what we want to be doing. So, yeah if you if you're feeling that way, like I said, let me know.
00:22:21
Victoria R
So anyway, I am going to wrap it up there. It was a bit all over the place today. Thank you for bearing with me. Like I said, welcome to my thoughts. You guys are great sticking with sticking with me in this podcast. I do appreciate it. um But like I said, hopefully you weren't feeling that collective energy last week. And if you were...
00:22:40
Victoria R
then let's hope that this week is a lot better for you. I know i went and stuck my feet in the grass and sat out in the sunshine for a few minutes and it was a great little reset that I needed last week because I was kind of spiraling a little bit and that kind of was like, oh, okay, I can actually breathe again now. So we kind of always avoid those things that are actually really good for us.
00:23:04
Victoria R
That was what I'd been avoiding. Something so silly. And I was like, no, let's go. so that was a good little reset that I needed. And this week already has been a lot more manageable um than what last week felt like. so just check in with yourself, check in with your capacity. And like I said, check in with what it is that you actually want to be doing with your life.
00:23:26
Victoria R
And I did want to share very quickly, i do have, um because it was Mother's Day on Sunday, um i was like, oh, you know, as I'm renovating the unit that way we bought, I'm like, oh think it would be really nice to actually do a little something for everyone. So i do have a discount code for my four month coaching package, which is MDAY26, which you can enter and um use at the checkout for the four month coaching package and it will get you $300 off that. So that is only available until Sunday.
00:23:58
Victoria R
so make the most of it. um And I look forward to working with those that are like, yep, let's get the life that we really want to be living sorted.
00:24:10
Victoria R
So I hope you have an amazing week. All right, let's check those to-do lists, take some things off that we don't need.
Conclusion and Reminder to Rest
00:24:17
Victoria R
Let's delegate, let's share the responsibility and let's remember that we are allowed, we are allowed, this is your permission slip to rest and we are allowed to stop sacrificing ourselves for everybody else.
00:24:31
Victoria R
All right, I will speak to you next week. Bye.