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Ep 7 - Taking a Skit
101 Plays3 years ago
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Transcript
Introduction and Setup
00:00:01
Speaker
MicroPods by PCL, presented by Tessitura Productions. Great fucking podcast, dudes. Thank you so much for having me on. That was a lot of fun. Yeah, no problem, man. That was a lot of fun. Yeah, I just love your whole setup, and it's really cool. The lights, this whole board you got here.
The Tempting Red Button
00:00:17
Speaker
I can't take my eyes off this big red button here. What does that do? Yeah, just don't touch that button. I'm gonna press it. I'm gonna press it. Can I press it? I'm gonna press it. I'm gonna fucking press it. I'm pressing it right now, guys.
Wild West Adventure
00:00:40
Speaker
Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!
00:01:10
Speaker
Kyle, why is it so dusty out here? Dude... I don't know, you fucking smell that? It smells like cow shit. Did you just fucking put your hand in a pile of cow shit? Ugh, God! Where the fuck are we, dude? Is that a saloon? Who's coming through that door right there? Are we in Palmdale? This isn't good. Is that... Is that Jesse? Jesse Posey? We were just talking to him. How could he be here?
00:01:41
Speaker
Hey Jesse I Don't know this Jesse character name's bullseye No, you're you're Jesse. This is my town boy What are you two doing in it? You just press the button in our studio. I don't know nothing about no buttons, but what I do know is
00:02:06
Speaker
is that this town ain't big enough for the three of us. What the fuck are you talking about? The only way we can- Listen to me. The only way we can solve this is a draw. Draw? We don't have any guns. Check your pockets. These guns, where did we get these outfits from, bro? Well, it looks like you boys are ready for a draw. We both got revolvers. A classic Mexican standoff? Yeah, well, I guess. Just a standoff. Okay.
00:02:35
Speaker
Okay, guy. Now listen, it's gonna be on the count of three. Is it gonna be like one, two, three, go? Or one, two, three? Boy, don't you know how to count!
00:02:46
Speaker
One, two, three, point your gun, and let it rip. Okay, so one, two, three, point your gun, then shoot. Sounds like you boys are ready to die. Dude, who the fuck is this guy? I thought this was Jesse, dude. What the fuck is he thinking, man? Name's Jesse. Name's Bullseye. No, you're Jesse. Kyle, I don't think he's gonna do it. I think he's just messing with us. Here we go, boys. How did you end up in that saloon? On the count of three. No. No. One. No. Two. Three.
00:03:22
Speaker
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Pirate Plank Predicament
00:03:53
Speaker
What are you two scallywags doing here? Jesse? I hoist the sails! We got a storm up ruin! Yo, this is all your fault, man. You fucking clicked the button, now we're just traveling through time? I don't know nothing about no button. You just- All I know- Listen! All I know is hoisting sails.
00:04:09
Speaker
banging hookers and drinking rum. If you boys aren't a part of that, then you can just walk the plank. Where's the rum? Where's the rum? You just shot us in Palmdale. Honestly, I think the rum is gone. But the hookers are of a plenty, and they're coming out at dawn. Well, we're down for that. What do we got to do? You got to hoist the sails, mateys. Oh, we're going to run. We don't know how to do that. What? Two scallowed eggs on the poop deck don't know nothing about no sails? Hey, boys!
00:04:37
Speaker
Roll out the plank for these two sucky dogs. Off to the plank with ya. Come on boys, follow me. If you don't walk the plank, I'm chopping you in bits, eating with the fish. It's my lucky sword. Ow. Just poke me in the ass. Alright boys. That wasn't the sword. Walk the- It wasn't my sword, but I got a sword, it's sharp. Big long. Now, walk the plank.
00:05:07
Speaker
Don't care who's first You two boys are getting wet tonight, and I ain't talking Okay, I'll go I'll go Jesse I'll go He's he's not he's just kidding the name is captain leather
00:05:34
Speaker
Okay, okay, okay We'll jump off for you boys come watch gather round these two soggy dogs are walking our plan Off be with you All right All right, we'll jump Oh
Wishes in the Mystical Forest
00:06:05
Speaker
Are we in a forest? Smells like a forest. Looks like a forest. We must be in a forest. But what kind? It looks like pixie dust that's falling on you. I don't- I didn't sign up for no pixie dust, dude. More importantly than that. See that light in the distance? Is there- Looks like a girl. Hey! Come over here! Fair maiden!
00:06:35
Speaker
Come over here. We- we wanna- we wanna know where we're at. Hey! Hey, get over- sh- she's getting closer. Wait.
00:06:46
Speaker
Is that? Is that Jesse? That's fucking Jesse. Why is he? What's he doing wearing a dress? Hello, boys. My name is Princess Pebbles. And what do I owe the pleasure of having you in my forest today? Dude, why are you wearing that dress? Oh, I wear this dress all the time. It's because I'm a princess fairy. Hence the name Princess Pebbles. Is that because you got two pebbles in your pants? I don't know what you speak of with these two pebbles, but that's my name.
00:07:10
Speaker
Listen, Jesse, if you want to wear a dress, man, that's fine. That's totally fine. That's cool, but like, why do you keep taking us to these crazy places, man? Well, you've landed in my mystical forest and, well, I'm here to grant you two three wishes. Can one of them have us go home?
00:07:27
Speaker
Where's home to you? Not here. Well here, you're in my mystical forest. And if you like three wishes, I'd be happy to grant them to you. Yeah, wish one. Get us the fuck out of here. Please don't use profanity here. This is a family forest, okay? We don't do profanity. Do you have tits? Are those your wishes? Would you like a pair of tits?
00:07:48
Speaker
Yes. So that's two wishes. So we want to get out of here. I want you to have tits. I can show you something. Sure. It's my magical undercarriage. I don't think I want to see that. It glows pink and it flows through the air like a like a mystical bush flowing in the wind.
00:08:08
Speaker
Oh, yeah, I don't want to see that. Well, it's part of the deal, boys. Are you ready? No. Is that our third wish? One, two, three. No, we didn't get to do our third wish yet. Holy shit. Oh, shit. Oh, no.
Encounter with Devil Jesse
00:08:24
Speaker
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? All right, Kyle's place.
00:08:36
Speaker
Why is it so fucking hot in here? Dude, it feels like a fucking furnace, bro. Goddamn. Heart? Heart? Yep. I already know where we're at. Oh, shit. Who's that coming through the door? It's fucking Jesse again. Is that Jesse? Hello, boys. Okay, Jesse, you gotta stop fucking with us. Do you think you're Satan now or something? Well...
00:09:00
Speaker
Some call me Satan, some call me Damien. I'm known as the Dark Lord or the Dark Prince, but if you want to call me Satan, you can sign.
00:09:09
Speaker
What, uh, what are you two handsome boys doing? Jesse, you know exactly where we're from. Oh, I didn't bring you anything. I'm just... I'm not the messenger. I am just... I ruined this place. Is that a gas-powered dildo? Oh, that's just... Me and Roger were... Don't worry about that. Who's Roger?
00:09:31
Speaker
Who are you because one minute you're this one minute you're that I just can't put my finger on it. You won't meet my parents Okay guy But since you boys are here, would you like to I don't think so hang out? I'm gonna rule
00:09:49
Speaker
We're in hell right now. We have to rule, right? You can rule me, baby. Oh, shit. I think we want to go back to our town. Oh, is that where you're from? That old raggedy place? Yeah, you were just with us there. I used to run through it all from town to town, but it got a little old for me. Down here is where you want to be. This is where all the cool people go. You see Hitler over there? Hi, Hitler. Hello. Oh, shit. That's actually him, Jake. Hi. Yeah, he comes and goes. Oh, really? You know Hitler.
00:10:18
Speaker
So, what can I do for you boys? We would like to go home, please. Yeah, we gotta take over the world. You mean, you don't want to stay here with me? No, but you want to help us take over the world? Well, I guess I have an open schedule. Roger could watch the place. I just need somebody to feed my little princess.
00:10:40
Speaker
Come here princess, come here. What the fuck is that? It does kind of look like Channing. But Channing was just here a couple days ago. He's a real sweet boy. I knew he'd be down here. He kind of looks like you, whatever. What's your name? You're Jake, right? Yeah, he's got muscles like you. They call me Magic Jake. You know what, boys? If you'd like...
00:11:06
Speaker
Sure. How do I get back to Earth? Well, why don't I take you? We could cause some havoc up there. Sounds good to me. It's been a while. It's been a while. All right. So you see that big pool of fire? It's kind of lava-like. All we got to do is just jump. Wait, are we dead already, or is this going to kill us and keep us trapped here forever? No, Kyle. I think we jump in and we go back. Oh, honey. Oh, really? You sure? That's what he says. You boys have been dead for years. Trust me. I've seen what you two have done.
00:11:33
Speaker
Damien says it's okay. So if you want, yeah, but you have to do something cool. It can't just jump in. It's gotta be a front flip, a back flip, maybe we can all hold hands. Okay Kyle, ready? We're gonna go on three, ready? Hey, don't pull a hand.
00:11:53
Speaker
Three. Cannonball! I love this. Oh, you guys are so much fun. Oh, I spilled my martini. It's exactly like Die Hard.
Humorous Toilet Scene
00:12:22
Speaker
Oh my god. Are we fucking pirates again, dude? Why are we all wet? Dude, you look like shit. You smell like shit. Fuck. I think we're shit. We're shit? Dude, you ain't got a tattoo?
00:12:41
Speaker
Here, you got your turd, you got- oh no, that's just corn. That's just fucking corn. Dude, we're- we're in a fucking toilet right now, bro. Where's this? God. This is the strangest thing, dude. Kyle? Jesse? Jake? Is that you guys- where are you? Jesse, down here! Jesse! Hey! Hey, guys, what- what are you doing in the toilet?
00:13:24
Speaker
What? Mr. Pebbles? I don't know what you guys are talking about. And then, you were the fucking devil and now we're shit, man. Wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Did I just shit you guys out? I don't know, bro. That's- Did it flush? Oh god, I must have spent something I hate. Don't flush. Can you have- Can you take us out? No, I can't fuck- I don't want- Take us out! Hang on, I'm at my fucking girl's parents house, we're having a dinner party. I can't just fucking leave you. Put us in your pocket. Why are you wearing a bow tie? Take us out. I can't- Cause it's fucking formal. I don't know. I don't want to get into it. It's this long thing. I can't just fucking take you guys out there. Dude, you gotta put us in your pocket.
00:13:30
Speaker
Dude, I don't know, man. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo
00:13:53
Speaker
I'm not gonna put you in my pocket. Get us out of here, man. I have- Get us out of here. I think there's only one way out. No. No. I have to trust you guys. Don't do it. Don't do it. It smells like shit in here. Just, just, no, what are we gonna do? Don't, don't, don't, don't. I've been gone for 20 minutes and can't fucking go- Look, I- Look, you didn't have fun on the podcast? I love the podcast. It's not about the podcast. Well then why did you just shit us out? I had to-
00:14:16
Speaker
Look, I have to get you guys out of here, right? This isn't gonna work. Get us out of here, dude. You're supposed to do a couple more songs with us. Alright, look, look, look, look, look. Don't flush us. I'm gonna flush the toilet, I'm gonna flush the toilet. I'm gonna go into the septic tank, whatever the fuck it's called, and I'll pull you guys out. Alright, yeah, this actually doesn't sound like a bad idea. What do you think, Jake? Fine. Alright. Wait, we're actually gonna do it? No, I was just fucking kidding. Dude, that's the dumbest idea ever. I'm disagreeing with you. Guys, guys, guys, I can't- I can't fucking argue
Conclusion and Wrap-up
00:14:43
Speaker
about this. I'm gonna flush you. I'm gonna flush you. I'll see you later.
00:14:53
Speaker
And that's a wrap thanks for listening to micro pods With Jesse Posey you make sure to tune in Princess pebbles don't forget to wipe your ass Don't forget to wipe your ass which I think I did was there any toilet paper in there in the toilet because that's what we're laying on Okay, so you you wiped your ass, and then you shit Are you that's you know? It's like pouring your milk before the cereal before this year You wiped your ass, and then you shit
00:15:22
Speaker
MicroPods by PCL.