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Sex and Empowerment Education
35 Plays5 months ago
Welcome to The Positively Healthy Mom Podcast! I’m your host, Laura Ollinger, and today’s episode is all about Sex and Empowerment Education—a topic every parent should feel confident discussing with their kids. Joining us is Saleema Noon, a renowned sexual health educator and co-author of Talk Sex Today: What Kids Need to Know and How Adults Can Teach Them. 🌟
Saleema specializes in equipping parents with the tools and confidence to discuss topics related to sexual health, consent, and empowerment with their children. She breaks down the barriers of awkwardness and misinformation to create a safe space for open communication. Her goal? To help parents empower their kids with knowledge and self-respect, fostering healthy attitudes toward sex and relationships.
In this episode, Saleema shares practical strategies for approaching these conversations in age-appropriate ways, helping kids build body confidence and teaching them the value of boundaries and mutual respect. She also tackles common challenges parents face, like overcoming their own discomfort and addressing the influence of media and peers on their kids' understanding of sex.
Plus, Saleema has generously offered some freebies and resources for listeners! If you visit her website at Saleemanoon.com additional tools to help you feel more prepared and empowered in talking about sex and relationships with your children.
If you’ve ever wondered how to navigate these crucial discussions with your children or support others in doing so, this conversation is a must-listen. Saleema’s wisdom, humor, and practical advice will leave you feeling empowered and prepared. Grab your coffee, settle in, and join us for this enlightening and inspiring discussion. 🎧
Let’s get started!
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Transcript
Introduction and Guest Spotlight
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey moms, it's Laura Olinger.
00:00:02
Speaker
Welcome to the Positively Healthy Mom podcast.
00:00:05
Speaker
Because there's no manual for the hardest job in the world.
00:00:12
Speaker
Hello and welcome to the show today to the Positively Healthy Mom.
00:00:15
Speaker
Today's guest is Salima Noon, who is a sexual health and empowerment educator.
00:00:21
Speaker
I'm so excited.
00:00:22
Speaker
So Salima, say hello to everybody.
00:00:25
Speaker
Hello everyone and thank you Coach Laura for having me on the show.
00:00:29
Speaker
Absolutely.
00:00:30
Speaker
So today is a big juicy topic.
The Importance of Early Sexual Health Education
00:00:34
Speaker
We are going to be talking about sexual health education and where should we get started because I know you're a big advocate about starting kids young like in kindergarten.
00:00:48
Speaker
And my listeners are, you know, the tweens and teen audience.
00:00:51
Speaker
And so why don't we just start there if we could, if you want to give maybe a quick background, you know, why are you in this field?
00:00:57
Speaker
How did this get started?
00:00:59
Speaker
And fill us in on what we need to know.
00:01:03
Speaker
Sure, no problem.
00:01:04
Speaker
Well, as you told your listeners, Laura, I am a sexual health and empowerment educator.
00:01:10
Speaker
So on a day-to-day basis, I go into schools, primarily elementary and middle schools, and I'm invited by parents to do a workshop for them first.
Salima Noon's Journey and Educational Workshops
00:01:19
Speaker
And then that's followed by a series of what we call body science workshops, sexual health workshops for kids in kindergarten all the way through grade nine.
00:01:30
Speaker
I know it's not your typical career choice, but I tell grade sevens that I'm working with that when I was their age, my plan was to be, well, my plan A was to be a backup dancer for Madonna.
00:01:44
Speaker
I learned pretty quickly that that wasn't going to pan out.
00:01:47
Speaker
So I thought I'd be a teacher.
00:01:48
Speaker
And in university, I took a number of different programs.
00:01:52
Speaker
family studies courses, including one on sexual health, and really got interested in the topic.
00:01:57
Speaker
And then did my thesis research interviewing teenagers about their experience in sex ed.
00:02:03
Speaker
What they told me was that it was pretty much useless to them because what they were wanting to learn about wasn't addressed.
00:02:11
Speaker
The timing was up.
00:02:12
Speaker
It was relevant to their life.
00:02:14
Speaker
And this was back in the late 90s.
00:02:15
Speaker
It was even before, you know, them living most of their social lives online.
00:02:22
Speaker
So there was a disconnect
Partnership with Parents in Sexual Health Education
00:02:24
Speaker
there.
00:02:24
Speaker
And it got me thinking, we need to get into schools a lot earlier and teach preventative, scientific sexual health information to our kids so that they can...
00:02:34
Speaker
use that to make really smart decisions growing up that are going to keep them healthy and safe.
00:02:39
Speaker
And of course, a big piece of that is to partner with parents to support them to be their kids' number one source of information when it comes to all things growing up.
00:02:49
Speaker
And so although a big chunk of what I do is working with students,
00:02:53
Speaker
Another big chunk of what I do is supporting parents to have really important conversations with their kids.
00:03:00
Speaker
And whether it's coaching parents to talk about a specific topic, like sextortion or pornography or consent or OnlyFans, or it's coaching parents to talk about sexual health in general, I always break things down into three buckets.
00:03:19
Speaker
Here are the things you need to know about this topic.
00:03:22
Speaker
Here are the things you can do around this topic to help your kids.
00:03:27
Speaker
And here are the things you can say.
00:03:29
Speaker
And so I was hoping that you and I today could talk about a few of all of those when parents are talking to their kids about bodies and safety and their online lives and all that good stuff.
Challenges Parents Face in Sexual Health Discussions
00:03:42
Speaker
Perfect.
00:03:42
Speaker
I love those three categories.
00:03:44
Speaker
It makes it clean and simple and easy to understand.
00:03:46
Speaker
So why don't we should we start with the first one?
00:03:48
Speaker
What what do parents need to know?
00:03:51
Speaker
You know, the parents I work with at all ages, generally speaking, want their kids to be informed and knowledgeable.
00:03:57
Speaker
They know that knowledge is power and you can't make good decisions unless you have good information.
00:04:03
Speaker
What's more challenging though is how do I say it?
00:04:07
Speaker
When do I say it?
00:04:08
Speaker
What do I say?
00:04:10
Speaker
Because let's face it, I don't know what your experience was, Laura, but I certainly wasn't learning about sexual health from my parents over the dinner table growing up.
00:04:18
Speaker
It was just a completely different time, a different culture.
00:04:22
Speaker
And so now, because we didn't grow up with this information, it's not easy and it's a pretty daunting task.
00:04:31
Speaker
The three things that I want parents to know when it comes to talking to their kids about sexual health all have to do with protection, prevention, and preparation.
00:04:40
Speaker
Now, I know that the majority of your listeners have older kids, Laura.
00:04:44
Speaker
But for those parents who have younger kids, I always want them to know that little kids are the easiest to teach because they haven't learned yet that talking about sexual health and sexuality are still taboo subjects in our society.
00:05:00
Speaker
So just a quick example, when I'm in, let's say a grade one class and I tell the kids I'm gonna teach them how to be body scientists, I'm gonna teach them scientific information about their body, I'm gonna teach them scientific words that doctors use,
00:05:13
Speaker
They love that idea.
Benefits of Early Education and Consent
00:05:15
Speaker
They hang on to my every word like it's the most interesting thing they've never, ever heard.
00:05:20
Speaker
There's no silliness or giggling because to them, it's just really interesting scientific information.
00:05:28
Speaker
By the time they get to grade four or five, however...
00:05:31
Speaker
Sorry, in the US, I know you say fourth and fifth grade.
00:05:34
Speaker
That's okay.
00:05:35
Speaker
We know what you mean.
00:05:36
Speaker
I can speak American too.
00:05:39
Speaker
By the time they get to age 10, 11, 12, we call these people the gross meouters because even if their parents have been really open at home, they learn from their peers, from media, and our generally sexually immature society that this is something they should be embarrassed talking about.
00:05:59
Speaker
So questions I get from grade fours and fives are things like the other day it was, of all the jobs in the world you could have picked, why would you pick one as gross as this?
00:06:13
Speaker
Or who convinced you to take this job?
00:06:16
Speaker
You know, they just can't even believe I would want to talk about sex all day.
00:06:21
Speaker
That's a natural phase of development.
00:06:23
Speaker
But as much as possible, if parents can start talking early when our kids are open to learning this information and excited to learn about it, it'll just make our jobs easier as our kids move through that more uncomfortable, awkward, embarrassed phase.
00:06:41
Speaker
Now,
00:06:42
Speaker
I want parents to know that the second of three things I want them to know is the bottom line is, and this is true for older kids, preteens and teens.
00:06:52
Speaker
If we don't teach our kids, someone else is going to do it for us.
00:06:57
Speaker
It's not a question.
00:06:59
Speaker
If our kids will be exposed to pornography, it's when.
00:07:04
Speaker
And
00:07:05
Speaker
I mean, we can't control everything they're exposed to.
00:07:08
Speaker
I mean, yes, we can and should place reasonable boundaries and limits around what they're consuming at every age, but we can't control everything.
00:07:19
Speaker
What we can do is we can preload them with accurate, honest, scientific information that they can use to make smart decisions about what is in front of them and to think critically, for example, see content online.
00:07:35
Speaker
Not only in preluding our kids with information, we're educating them, but also we as parents are sending a really powerful and positive message to our kids that this is something we want to talk about with them.
00:07:50
Speaker
We may not always have the answers, but we want them coming to us with our questions because we want to be their go-to person.
00:07:58
Speaker
We don't want them learning about their body through watching pornography or Googling boobies.
00:08:05
Speaker
We don't want them just blindly believing an informant on the playground or an older sibling.
00:08:11
Speaker
We want them going to reliable adults like us to get their information.
00:08:17
Speaker
And the good news is, and parents who is really comforted to know this, the good news is that talking about healthy bodies and healthy sexuality from a young age in no way increases the
00:08:30
Speaker
their likelihood of experimenting sexually.
00:08:32
Speaker
In fact, we know from research all over the world that talking about sexual health with our kids from an early age actually delays their sexual debut, meaning they have sex later.
00:08:46
Speaker
One parent who can't get their, you know?
00:08:50
Speaker
Yeah, that's actually really interesting.
00:08:54
Speaker
Yeah, I hadn't heard that research or kind of thought, but that's very true also with suicide.
00:09:02
Speaker
A lot of parents are afraid, like, don't mention the S word.
00:09:05
Speaker
It's such like a taboo word to talk about suicide in your family.
00:09:09
Speaker
And research shows that talking about it doesn't cause anyone to do it.
00:09:14
Speaker
It doesn't tempt anyone to do it.
00:09:16
Speaker
Talking about it actually lowers the likelihood to do it.
00:09:19
Speaker
So it sounds like it's the same with this topic.
00:09:25
Speaker
Because in giving sexual health information and having these important conversations, we're giving them what we want.
00:09:31
Speaker
We're telling them what we want them to know.
00:09:34
Speaker
But we're also talking about boundaries and values and responsibilities.
00:09:40
Speaker
You know, how, yes, this is what sex is and this is...
00:09:45
Speaker
These are the different ways that families are formed, for example.
00:09:49
Speaker
And it's nothing you need to worry about anytime soon because it comes with a lot of responsibilities, adult responsibilities.
00:09:56
Speaker
So this is all information for the future.
00:09:59
Speaker
And, you know, we can also teach our values in our family.
00:10:02
Speaker
You know, we're talking about this because I know you're mature enough to handle it.
00:10:06
Speaker
And I think you deserve to be informed and prepared.
00:10:09
Speaker
And I also want you to know that in our family, we prefer to wait till fill in the blanks after we're married to have sex for the first time or when we're a certain age.
00:10:20
Speaker
You know, and the same thing would go for having a first kiss or when you start dating.
00:10:25
Speaker
Parents can fill in those blanks.
00:10:28
Speaker
know, to teach values as well, but we can also teach scientific information that's going to help them to make those smart decisions.
00:10:36
Speaker
I always joke with my older students that when I was, I remember I was around 12 or 13, I asked my dad, dad, when can I start dating?
00:10:46
Speaker
And he replied, you can start dating when you're married.
00:10:52
Speaker
They always tell me it's a stupid dad joke, but they always laugh.
00:10:57
Speaker
Yeah, yeah.
00:10:57
Speaker
That's hilarious.
00:10:58
Speaker
Okay, so can you guys tell me the three Ps again?
00:11:00
Speaker
Protection, prevention, and I lost track of the last one.
00:11:04
Speaker
And preparation.
00:11:06
Speaker
Okay.
00:11:07
Speaker
Prevention, protection, and preparation.
00:11:11
Speaker
Okay.
00:11:12
Speaker
Now, the last thing, Laura, I always want parents to know is that, again, research from all over the world tells us that kids who learn about this stuff early and continue to have these conversations with reliable adults in their life, like their parents and other people they're close to, are at reduced risk for sexual abuse.
00:11:32
Speaker
Okay.
00:11:36
Speaker
Children need information to keep themselves out of exploitative situations.
00:11:41
Speaker
And we can't wait for them to ask questions before we give them this information because some kids and teenagers just never do, right?
00:11:49
Speaker
But with giving sexual health information comes teaching the concept of consent.
00:11:57
Speaker
The idea that they say who goes on their body and who does not.
00:12:02
Speaker
And it can start from a very young age.
00:12:04
Speaker
I mean, with our toddlers, we can give them choices as to where they get their diaper changed.
00:12:10
Speaker
Is it going to be in their bedroom or in the middle of the living room?
00:12:12
Speaker
Because it's convenient.
00:12:15
Speaker
They might want to decide whether they have it changed standing up or lying down.
00:12:20
Speaker
You know, we need to be asking our kids, would it be okay for me to help you wash your genitals in the bath right now?
Online Safety and Conversations on Sexual Health
00:12:29
Speaker
Interesting.
00:12:29
Speaker
Wow.
00:12:30
Speaker
And another one that really resonates with me because of how I was raised is, well, when I was younger, my parents had dinner parties.
00:12:42
Speaker
Before I went off to bed, I was expected to go around the room and give every single person there a kiss and a hug goodnight.
00:12:48
Speaker
Whether I knew them or not, whether I felt like it or not, it was just a polite thing to do, right?
00:12:54
Speaker
Now, don't get me wrong.
00:12:55
Speaker
I'm all about teaching respect and good manners, but we need to ask our kids, how do you want to say goodnight to our guests?
00:13:04
Speaker
Yeah.
00:13:06
Speaker
Is it going to be a hug and a kiss?
00:13:08
Speaker
Maybe, but maybe it's just going to be a high five or a handshake or a simple goodnight.
00:13:16
Speaker
Nice to meet you with some eye contact.
00:13:18
Speaker
Yeah.
00:13:19
Speaker
But just in giving our kids those choices, we are teaching them that they're the boss.
00:13:24
Speaker
It's what we call bodily autonomy, that they have a right to their personal space.
00:13:29
Speaker
And it's kids who learn from an early age that they have a right to that.
00:13:35
Speaker
That are going to be just finding it way easier to practice consent in their future relationships.
00:13:42
Speaker
And when our kids are in middle and high school and are entering some of their first relationships, we want them to understand that, right?
00:13:49
Speaker
That concept of consent is key.
00:13:52
Speaker
I see.
00:13:52
Speaker
And that's where that empowerment piece comes in, it sounds like, which is so important and not just in person in those like, you know, young first relationships in middle school or high school, but also, you know, the whole online world can be incredibly scary.
00:14:07
Speaker
I actually just got educated.
00:14:09
Speaker
I went to a seminar about, you know, sex trafficking and, you know, how much of that just happens in
00:14:17
Speaker
where it's so subtle, kids don't really realize what's going on.
00:14:21
Speaker
Like, oh, this person's being nice to me.
00:14:23
Speaker
Are they this?
00:14:23
Speaker
And then before you know it, and this is all virtual, it's kids from around the world, but they're being guided by adults online to do these things.
00:14:34
Speaker
And then the sextortion comes into play.
00:14:36
Speaker
Then they start to make threats.
00:14:37
Speaker
If you don't do these things, I'll expose you.
00:14:40
Speaker
And, you know, that can lead to some, obviously, some very severe life-ending consequences.
00:14:47
Speaker
Is that something that you educate on as well?
00:14:51
Speaker
Absolutely.
00:14:52
Speaker
That'll be a whole other podcast topic, Laura.
00:14:54
Speaker
We could do that another day.
00:14:56
Speaker
But that is a really good example of a terrifying yet real subject that parents need to be talking to their preteens and teens about today.
00:15:07
Speaker
And with that comes educating our children.
00:15:10
Speaker
that your body is the most special, important, private thing you own.
00:15:17
Speaker
And when your body is the most private thing there is and the internet is the most public space we have, the two don't go together.
00:15:26
Speaker
Right.
00:15:26
Speaker
So if someone starts asking you for photos of your private body, just know that that's not okay.
00:15:35
Speaker
And come talk to me about it.
00:15:36
Speaker
Yeah.
00:15:37
Speaker
And even if you-
00:15:41
Speaker
Right, right.
00:15:41
Speaker
And even if you think, oh, that would never happen to my child, my child would never do that.
00:15:46
Speaker
It's, you know, you got to play it safe on this topic.
00:15:49
Speaker
And it's better to be really proactive.
00:15:50
Speaker
I assume you're agreeing with that, that you just have to, you know, because so many of us live in a bubble.
00:15:56
Speaker
Absolutely.
00:15:57
Speaker
Oh, it's safe to go to Target.
00:15:58
Speaker
It's safe to go to the mall.
00:15:59
Speaker
It's safe to go to the grocery store.
00:16:01
Speaker
And so therefore my child on their iPad or their phone is safe.
00:16:04
Speaker
Right.
00:16:04
Speaker
And parents, because we were not raised during this time, we're not fully aware of all the threats.
00:16:10
Speaker
A lot of us are still unaware, unfortunately.
00:16:13
Speaker
So this is the type of thing that I'm so happy and thankful that there's people like you out there speaking to large audiences and informing them of these things.
00:16:23
Speaker
OK, so what's next?
00:16:24
Speaker
What else do parents need to know?
00:16:27
Speaker
Or if we want to move on to the do.
00:16:28
Speaker
Smart things to do.
00:16:30
Speaker
Yeah, let's move on to smart things to do.
00:16:34
Speaker
So, you know, like I said, the majority of parents do want to talk about this stuff.
00:16:39
Speaker
They know it's important.
00:16:41
Speaker
They want to be proactive.
00:16:43
Speaker
But then how?
00:16:44
Speaker
Right?
00:16:45
Speaker
Well, there are a few key things I suggest that parents don't do.
00:16:51
Speaker
Why don't we start with those?
00:16:53
Speaker
So the first one is don't ambush your kids.
00:16:54
Speaker
Right?
00:16:56
Speaker
So don't walk into their room when they're chatting with their friends or playing a game they love and say, hey, we need to talk.
00:17:04
Speaker
No one wants to hear those words, right?
00:17:07
Speaker
So we need to pick our time really carefully.
00:17:10
Speaker
I also strongly encourage parents to not ask personal questions, especially around sensitive topics.
00:17:18
Speaker
It's going to shut our preteens and teens down because they're going to interpret that as you trying to pry into the
00:17:25
Speaker
details of their private life.
00:17:27
Speaker
So don't ask personal questions.
00:17:30
Speaker
These next two are what I am personally guilty of as I raised my stepdaughters.
00:17:37
Speaker
Don't talk too long.
00:17:40
Speaker
So keep it two to five minutes for a conversation about something you wanna talk about.
00:17:46
Speaker
Max, but have lots of these little conversations.
00:17:50
Speaker
And also do listening, then talking.
00:17:55
Speaker
Okay.
00:17:55
Speaker
So don't talk too much and don't talk too long.
00:18:01
Speaker
So we have so much to learn from our kids.
00:18:04
Speaker
We really do.
00:18:06
Speaker
And so ideally we would ask a question.
00:18:09
Speaker
We would ask for their thoughts in a really general way.
00:18:13
Speaker
And then we would let them talk.
00:18:16
Speaker
And this is when we get into what we can do to have engaging conversations.
00:18:21
Speaker
Let them be the experts.
00:18:23
Speaker
You know, they love sharing their wisdom with us, right?
00:18:26
Speaker
So pick an opener.
00:18:28
Speaker
So for example, you could say, you know, I was reading an article the other day, and it said that the majority of preteens have seen pornography before.
00:18:37
Speaker
Does that sound accurate to you?
00:18:40
Speaker
Tell me more about that.
00:18:44
Speaker
So we're asking a general question.
00:18:47
Speaker
We're asking for their insight.
00:18:49
Speaker
We want them to teach us.
00:18:51
Speaker
And that's going to keep them talking way longer than we need to talk or you're not watching porn, are you?
00:18:59
Speaker
That's going to get you nowhere.
00:19:01
Speaker
So we need to use effective conversation starters that really position us as being curious and
00:19:12
Speaker
You know more about this than I do.
00:19:13
Speaker
You're the teenager.
00:19:15
Speaker
So teach me.
00:19:16
Speaker
Now, another thing we need to do when we're talking to our preteens and teens or kids of all ages is to be honest.
Building Trust and Connection with Children
00:19:23
Speaker
Just be honest.
00:19:25
Speaker
Because that is going to help them to trust you as a credible source of information.
00:19:30
Speaker
A quick story.
00:19:31
Speaker
Years ago, a friend of mine called me after drop-off.
00:19:34
Speaker
Her daughter was in grade four at the time and in the chaos of getting to school, carpooling, they were listening to the radio.
00:19:41
Speaker
And her daughter asked, mom, what's a ho?
00:19:45
Speaker
short form for the word whore, derogatory term for a sex worker.
00:19:50
Speaker
And my friend, understandably, had no idea what to say, nor did she feel like getting into it right then and there.
00:19:57
Speaker
And so she just very calmly replied, the hoe is a gardening tool.
00:20:02
Speaker
Wow.
00:20:03
Speaker
I mean, yes, I can see it now.
00:20:06
Speaker
Like if you're, you know, taken aback, you're in shock, you just have to give an answer.
00:20:11
Speaker
Like I'm sure like things like that happen all the time and you're just like, whoa, I wasn't ready for this.
00:20:15
Speaker
Yeah.
00:20:18
Speaker
Exactly.
00:20:19
Speaker
So understandable.
00:20:21
Speaker
But, you know, she was calling me to make sure her answer was okay.
00:20:24
Speaker
My concern though, was that if she's asking her mom what a hoe is, her friends are asking their parents what a hoe is, and there's going to be one brave parent in the group who's going to tell the truth.
00:20:34
Speaker
So she's probably going to learn what a hoe really is on the playground at recess.
00:20:40
Speaker
And is she going to go to mom with her next question?
00:20:42
Speaker
Maybe not because she didn't get a scientific, honest answer.
00:20:47
Speaker
So at every age, I can't stress enough that parents need to be honest with their kids.
00:20:53
Speaker
And if they can't think of an answer to the question right away, that's okay.
00:20:57
Speaker
There's nothing wrong with saying, you know what?
00:20:59
Speaker
I'm so glad you asked me that scientific question.
00:21:01
Speaker
Let me think about how best to answer it for you.
00:21:05
Speaker
That's great.
00:21:06
Speaker
We'll talk about it while we're walking the dog tonight.
00:21:08
Speaker
We'll talk about it before bed.
00:21:10
Speaker
Bedtime is great at any age because they will do anything to stop you from turning out the light and walking out the door.
00:21:17
Speaker
If you got them captive.
00:21:19
Speaker
Yes.
00:21:20
Speaker
Some parents feel that they don't want to miss their opportunity.
00:21:23
Speaker
And so they answer when they're not sure what to say.
00:21:26
Speaker
And they come across flustered and nervous, which of course, isn't what we want to do because we don't want to convey that message to our kids.
00:21:34
Speaker
We want to be cool as a cucumber.
00:21:35
Speaker
And if we need to take some time, then that's fine.
00:21:40
Speaker
Yeah.
00:21:40
Speaker
We don't need to have a slick set of answers to every question right on the spot.
00:21:46
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:21:47
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:21:48
Speaker
Now, another thing that works really well is when parents, if they're comfortable, share personal experiences that resonate with their kids.
00:21:58
Speaker
So when my kids were going through puberty,
00:22:02
Speaker
When my kids were going through puberty and feeling a bit self-conscious about how their bodies were developing, I remember telling them that in grade seven, my nickname, the boys in my class gave it to me, was mosquito bites, referring to the size, the small size of my breasts.
00:22:19
Speaker
In fact, I was the only girl in grade seven that didn't wear a bra.
00:22:23
Speaker
And that was difficult, you know, and I didn't have the skills, the assertiveness skills that we're teaching kids today to say to those boys, I don't like it when you call me that.
00:22:33
Speaker
I want you to stop.
00:22:36
Speaker
Yeah.
00:22:37
Speaker
So I remember using stories like that to connect with my girls and to help them understand that, yeah, we all go through this, whether we feel our body is changing too fast or too slow or
00:22:50
Speaker
We're too tall.
00:22:51
Speaker
We're too short.
00:22:51
Speaker
We're too skinny.
00:22:52
Speaker
We're too fat.
00:22:54
Speaker
That's just part of going through puberty and we need to support each other.
00:22:58
Speaker
And remember that how we look is only a small piece of who we are.
00:23:03
Speaker
What's more important is what our bodies can do for us and to appreciate that.
00:23:07
Speaker
Right.
00:23:07
Speaker
So again, if parents are comfortable and everyone, I respect that everyone's comfort level is different.
00:23:14
Speaker
Sharing experiences like that, you know, when our kids get to be in the teenage years, it,
00:23:20
Speaker
can progress to sharing experiences about relationships and breakups and maybe even for sexual experiences.
00:23:27
Speaker
We don't need to get into details, but what was that like for us?
00:23:33
Speaker
And I find that preteens and teens really appreciate being led into our lives in that way.
00:23:39
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:23:41
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:23:42
Speaker
Yeah.
00:23:42
Speaker
This is, yeah.
00:23:43
Speaker
Stories and experiences.
00:23:45
Speaker
Yeah.
00:23:47
Speaker
really keep our kids engaged.
00:23:49
Speaker
We also have to be careful that we're not, you know, just speaking of relationships, we're not making any assumptions about our kids.
00:23:59
Speaker
Like, you know, I wouldn't suggest asking a teenager, so do you have a boyfriend?
00:24:08
Speaker
We can't assume that our daughter, for example, would want to date a guy.
00:24:15
Speaker
We need to choose more inclusive language to say, well, first of all, I wouldn't just come out and say, are you in a relationship?
00:24:21
Speaker
I would say, so are many people your age in relationships these days?
00:24:26
Speaker
When I was your age, we didn't really have boyfriends and girlfriends.
00:24:31
Speaker
But when we are asking questions, we've got to make sure we're inclusive to say, are you in a relationship?
00:24:36
Speaker
Or do you have a partner?
00:24:38
Speaker
Or is so-and-so wanting to be in a relationship rather than do they wish they had a girlfriend?
Inclusive Language and Open Dialogue
00:24:45
Speaker
You get what I'm saying?
00:24:46
Speaker
Oh, yeah.
00:24:47
Speaker
There's zero rapport there.
00:24:48
Speaker
It's, yeah, if you're just, yeah.
00:24:51
Speaker
Totally, totally.
00:24:52
Speaker
We can't do that.
00:24:53
Speaker
So, okay.
00:24:54
Speaker
So what about the conversation piece?
00:24:57
Speaker
What are the things that we should say?
00:24:59
Speaker
And that was an example, actually.
00:25:00
Speaker
Yeah, this is a fun part.
00:25:02
Speaker
Yeah.
00:25:05
Speaker
So what else?
00:25:05
Speaker
Is there anything else?
00:25:06
Speaker
I always like to say.
00:25:10
Speaker
I always like to start out with what not to say.
00:25:13
Speaker
Parents find that quite entertaining.
00:25:16
Speaker
And it's also, you know, I'm not exempt.
00:25:20
Speaker
I mean, I teach this stuff and I can think of a few of these phrases that I've used in my parenting.
00:25:27
Speaker
But, you know, there are certain things that will shut a conversation right down.
00:25:31
Speaker
And that's not what we do want to do, of course.
00:25:33
Speaker
So I would never suggest for a parent to say, for example, you're too young to know that.
00:25:39
Speaker
Oh, gosh.
00:25:40
Speaker
Yeah.
00:25:43
Speaker
Yeah.
00:25:43
Speaker
Because what are they going to do?
00:25:44
Speaker
They're going to Google it.
00:25:47
Speaker
Or they're going to ask someone else's parents.
00:25:49
Speaker
Or they're going to talk to an informant on the playground.
00:25:52
Speaker
So never say you're too young.
00:25:55
Speaker
Talk, just referring back to what we were saying earlier about not using personal, not asking personal questions.
00:26:03
Speaker
So I wouldn't want a parent to ever say, you're not doing that, are you?
00:26:07
Speaker
I read an article about teens sending nudes and how they're doing it, even as young as grade six and seven.
00:26:12
Speaker
You're not doing that, are you?
00:26:14
Speaker
Right.
00:26:14
Speaker
That accusatory tone, yeah, it's just going to shut them down immediately.
00:26:18
Speaker
Yes.
00:26:19
Speaker
And then they're probably just going to lie.
00:26:21
Speaker
Exactly.
00:26:22
Speaker
Yeah.
00:26:25
Speaker
Yeah, they're just being put on the spot.
00:26:27
Speaker
So they're not going to be honest and they're certainly not going to want to continue the conversation if you're accusing them or shaming them about something they have or haven't done.
00:26:36
Speaker
Right.
00:26:37
Speaker
Another one we wouldn't want parents to say is go ask your dad.
00:26:42
Speaker
Oh, OK.
00:26:46
Speaker
Yeah.
00:26:47
Speaker
So, you know, a lot of parents think that, you know, I'm the mom, I should talk to my daughter and he's the dad and he should talk to his son because I don't have a body that's the same as his.
00:26:56
Speaker
But in a perfect world, our kids and teens would know that they could talk to any adult that they're close to, regardless of their gender.
00:27:06
Speaker
Because if a question is asked and we can't relay an answer based on personal experience, well, we can figure it out.
00:27:16
Speaker
There's plenty of ways to figure out answers to questions about bodies that don't look like ours.
00:27:22
Speaker
So again, from a young age, we want our kids to know that they can talk to either of us.
00:27:32
Speaker
And if they're not comfortable talking to either of us, well, then here are other adults that are in our inner circle that we trust.
00:27:41
Speaker
For example, you know, I gave...
00:27:44
Speaker
my stepdaughter's permission from a young age to talk to my aunt and my sister, rather.
00:27:48
Speaker
She's the cool aunt.
00:27:50
Speaker
And I understand that growing up, the girls may want to talk to her about stuff that they don't necessarily want to talk to me or their dad about.
00:27:58
Speaker
That's okay.
00:28:00
Speaker
All I want to know is that they're getting good information and they're getting support around whatever they need.
00:28:07
Speaker
I want to take a quick... And I know my sister didn't tell me anything, everything.
00:28:12
Speaker
Yeah, right, right, which is fine, you know, has to, she need to keep their trust.
00:28:16
Speaker
But I want to take a quick pause, because, you know, I just imagine my listeners, some of them are probably like, Oh, yeah, I'm doing all these things, right?
00:28:25
Speaker
You know, I'm doing it right.
00:28:26
Speaker
I'm doing it the way she the expert is saying here.
00:28:28
Speaker
And there's other ones that I'm imagining are like, Oh, this is still too weird.
00:28:33
Speaker
It's too scary.
00:28:34
Speaker
It's too uncomfortable.
00:28:37
Speaker
And I would love to hear your thoughts on that.
00:28:39
Speaker
I once had a friend who taught me something she had learned and I've kept that information with me ever since.
00:28:46
Speaker
And I've used it with my own kids, which is she talked about, you know, talking about the body parts from a very young age, you know, even, you know, from the time they were babies.
00:28:55
Speaker
And she's like, you guys, it doesn't have to be weird.
00:28:58
Speaker
It's just like your elbow or your knee.
00:29:00
Speaker
Right.
00:29:00
Speaker
And then going through the body parts.
00:29:03
Speaker
And so when I heard that, I was like, oh,
00:29:06
Speaker
That's true.
00:29:07
Speaker
It is just another body part or it is just this.
00:29:10
Speaker
And when you take I love how you're like, this is a scientific answer.
00:29:13
Speaker
Let me think of this.
00:29:14
Speaker
Right.
00:29:14
Speaker
And so I kind of that's where I wanted to think of just for a minute, because I do think that there is going to be probably half people have had these people that are like, right.
00:29:23
Speaker
And so it's like getting comfortable with the information yourself.
00:29:26
Speaker
So that therefore you're not going into their bedroom and sitting them down and lecturing.
00:29:31
Speaker
You're not going in there and shaming them or accusing them.
00:29:35
Speaker
Right.
00:29:35
Speaker
And so it's almost like the work comes first with the adult in order to prepare themselves to be able to feel comfortable and open to not do these, you know, the kind of wrong way and do do the right way.
00:29:48
Speaker
So do you have any thoughts about that?
00:29:52
Speaker
Yeah, you're absolutely right, Laura.
00:29:54
Speaker
I totally understand and respect that for lots of different reasons, not all parents are comfortable with this.
00:30:00
Speaker
And even if they are comfortable, they don't know where to start.
00:30:02
Speaker
And it's never too late.
00:30:04
Speaker
I can't stress that enough.
Resources and Techniques for Parents
00:30:06
Speaker
There are so many great resources that parents can lean on.
00:30:11
Speaker
I say, you know, call in your B team.
00:30:13
Speaker
Your B team are, you know, the cool aunt, the great book that you picked up on Amazon, the
00:30:22
Speaker
workshop that you signed up for, online resources, just one that comes to mind right away is called amaze.org.
00:30:29
Speaker
It's a collection of two to three minute animated YouTube videos on all things to do with sexual health and relationships.
00:30:36
Speaker
And parents can explore these resources first to get used to the material, get a script, and then talk to their kids.
00:30:45
Speaker
I've got a, you know, hour long free webinar that parents can watch on demand.
00:30:50
Speaker
It's called
00:30:51
Speaker
what not to say when talking about bodies and online safety and what to say instead.
00:30:55
Speaker
It's kind of an extension of what we're talking about today, but it gives parents a script as to, okay, here's how you can explain, for example, what sex is.
00:31:06
Speaker
Here's how you can explain to a teenager why the decision to be in a sexual relationship is such a major one.
00:31:14
Speaker
Here's how you can teach your values around that.
00:31:17
Speaker
So parents aren't alone.
00:31:20
Speaker
And if they can access resources that are available to them, there's lots on my website.
00:31:26
Speaker
I'll make sure I give them that address a bit later.
00:31:29
Speaker
Then they can get used to the language and the content first and then have those conversations.
00:31:34
Speaker
Okay.
00:31:35
Speaker
So before we wrap up, is there anything else that you'd like to share that would be important for the moms and parents to hear today?
00:31:43
Speaker
Yeah, I just wanted to, why don't we end our conversation by focusing on what parents can do to have really engaging conversations about sexual health with their kids.
00:31:55
Speaker
And it's often, you know, what's really key is having a good conversation starter.
00:32:02
Speaker
So to give you an example, with my own kids, I would often start an important conversation about something I wanted to address with them with, this might be too much information, but I feel like you're mature enough to handle it.
00:32:15
Speaker
Immediately, I had their attention.
00:32:19
Speaker
Yeah.
00:32:19
Speaker
Yeah.
00:32:20
Speaker
Or a lot of parents, a lot of parents don't talk to their kids about this stuff at your age, but I don't know.
00:32:28
Speaker
I feel like you can, you can, you know, you'll be able to understand it, you know, so set them up for success in that way, help them rise to the occasion.
00:32:38
Speaker
We need to be really affirming as well.
00:32:40
Speaker
You know, they can never, especially in their preteen and teen years,
00:32:44
Speaker
They can never hear too much of things like, I'm so grateful that you trust me with this information.
00:32:50
Speaker
I'm so grateful that you feel comfortable talking to me about your life.
00:32:56
Speaker
Or I'm so impressed by the way you're thinking about this topic.
00:33:00
Speaker
Or I'm so impressed by the scientific questions you're asking me.
00:33:06
Speaker
A big one would be, I trust you.
00:33:09
Speaker
I trust you to make decisions.
00:33:11
Speaker
I trust you to make smart decisions, both
00:33:13
Speaker
in your real life and your online relationships.
00:33:17
Speaker
I trust you.
00:33:18
Speaker
And those words are going to ring in their ears when you're not around.
00:33:23
Speaker
Right.
00:33:24
Speaker
I absolutely love that.
00:33:25
Speaker
Yeah.
00:33:28
Speaker
So it's about setting the conversation up.
00:33:30
Speaker
Oh, and another big one is I'd love to hear your thoughts on something.
00:33:35
Speaker
Do you have a few minutes?
00:33:37
Speaker
So again, you're making them the expert and you're,
00:33:41
Speaker
A few minutes.
00:33:41
Speaker
They know that you're not going to lecture them for the next hour, which is what nobody wants, right?
00:33:47
Speaker
So I call it giving little body science boosters at every age, just two, three minute conversations here and there when the topic comes up naturally.
00:33:57
Speaker
When my kids were younger, we used to watch Modern Family together, for example.
00:34:01
Speaker
And the deal was that I had the right to pause the PVR anytime I wanted to.
00:34:06
Speaker
so that we could debrief on storylines or, you know, humor to make sure we're all on the same page and I could fill in the gaps with information I wanted them to have.
00:34:17
Speaker
You know, they probably stayed up later than they typically would.
00:34:21
Speaker
That was part of the deal too.
00:34:22
Speaker
But, you know, it was a great opportunity for me to make sure that I could give them the information I wanted them to have in a really fun and unintimidating way.
00:34:32
Speaker
Right?
00:34:35
Speaker
opportunities like that, you know, when something relevant is happening in your family or sharing a TikTok video, we can, again, give those body science boosters to normalize the topic in our home.
00:34:48
Speaker
And I think that honesty also goes a long way, even with teenagers, you know, for parents who may not feel super comfortable talking about this stuff and feel like they kind of missed the boat, you know, tell your teen,
00:35:05
Speaker
I was listening to Coach Laura's podcast today, and I have to say, I haven't done a lot of talking about sexual health with you.
00:35:12
Speaker
And looking back, I wish I started earlier.
00:35:15
Speaker
Maybe this is because I didn't learn about this stuff from my own parents, so I feel uncomfortable, but I know it's important.
00:35:22
Speaker
So I want you to know that I'm here for you.
00:35:24
Speaker
You can ask me anything, and if I don't know an answer, I'll get it to you.
00:35:28
Speaker
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
00:35:31
Speaker
So especially older kids and teenagers appreciate that honesty.
00:35:35
Speaker
Yeah.
00:35:36
Speaker
Yeah.
00:35:37
Speaker
I think that's great.
00:35:37
Speaker
I mean, it's all about, you know, building that connection, building the trust, the open communication, the lack of judgment, the being curious, not critical.
00:35:48
Speaker
I think this just goes so far with that relationship, all these conversation pointers and the do's and the don'ts that you're giving us today.
00:35:57
Speaker
So this has been fantastic.
00:35:58
Speaker
Where can people find you going forward?
00:36:01
Speaker
And I know you have an offer for the listeners.
00:36:03
Speaker
So tell us about that.
00:36:05
Speaker
Yes, so I have created a resource for your listeners, Laura, and I'll make sure that I give you the link to that so you can put it in the show notes.
00:36:14
Speaker
And as well, I invite your listeners to subscribe to my newsletter where every two weeks they'll receive a Smart Things to Say resource that will follow up on all the things that we talked about today in terms of when it comes to any topic to do with sexual health or online safety or growing up,
00:36:34
Speaker
Here are the smart things you need to know about it.
00:36:36
Speaker
Here are the smart things you need to do about it.
00:36:39
Speaker
And here are some smart things that you can say.
00:36:41
Speaker
So it breaks down intimidating topics in a really simple way for parents.
00:36:46
Speaker
So I invite them to subscribe to the newsletter.
00:36:49
Speaker
But I think the easiest way for parents to access some free resources that I have for them, as well as learn more about my workshops, is go to my website, Salimanoon.com.
00:36:59
Speaker
And they can also find me on Instagram at Salimanoon Educators.
00:37:04
Speaker
Perfect.
00:37:05
Speaker
Okay.
00:37:05
Speaker
We'll be sure to put all those links in the notes.
00:37:08
Speaker
Salima, this has been fantastic.
00:37:10
Speaker
I feel like I personally learned so much from you today.
00:37:14
Speaker
And so I know my listeners probably did as well.
00:37:16
Speaker
So thank you.
00:37:18
Speaker
And I hope everybody signs up.
00:37:20
Speaker
I know I'm going to sign up for your newsletter and I will be sure to spread it around to all my friends.
00:37:26
Speaker
Sounds great, Laura.
00:37:27
Speaker
Thanks for having me.
00:37:27
Speaker
It was a lot of fun to talk to you.
00:37:29
Speaker
Fantastic.
00:37:30
Speaker
Likewise.
00:37:31
Speaker
Take care.
00:37:35
Speaker
Thank you for listening to the Positively Healthy Mom podcast because there's no manual for the hardest job in the world.
00:37:42
Speaker
Don't forget to subscribe and share with your friends.