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Sports & Performance Psychology
24 Plays6 months ago
Welcome to The Positively Healthy Mom Podcast! I'm Laura Ollinger, and today, I’m excited to welcome Michael Huber, a Certified Mental Performance Consultant and owner of Follow the Ball LLC. Michael brings a wealth of experience from working with athletes aged 12 to 22, and his insights into youth sports are as eye-opening as they are empowering.
In this episode, Michael dives deep into a topic many parents can relate to: How can we make the sports experience truly beneficial for young people? Together, we explore:
- The fear of failure and perfectionism that holds so many young athletes back.
- How the time, energy, and financial investments families make in sports can unintentionally create pressure for kids to perform.
- Why fear of negative outcomes—like missing out on a team or not playing in college—can dictate how kids show up on the field.
- The importance of focusing on what young athletes can control, rather than the external pressures they face.
Michael also shares his personal journey as a father and volunteer coach, revealing the moments that made him question how to create a positive, growth-focused sports experience for kids—and why he ultimately chose to dedicate his life to this mission seven years ago.
Whether your child is an aspiring athlete or simply learning the ropes of teamwork and resilience, this episode is packed with actionable advice to support them in their journey.
I’d love to hear how Michael’s insights resonate with you. As always, thank you for being part of this journey toward raising confident, resilient kids!
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Transcript
Introduction and Guest Background
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey moms, it's Laura Olinger.
00:00:02
Speaker
Welcome to the Positively Healthy Mom podcast.
00:00:05
Speaker
Because there's no manual for the hardest job in the world.
00:00:14
Speaker
Hello everyone, welcome to today's episode of the Positively Healthy Mom.
00:00:17
Speaker
I'm so excited to introduce you to Mike Huber, who is a certified mental performance consultant and owner of Follow the Ball LLC.
00:00:26
Speaker
He is joining us today from the East Coast.
00:00:28
Speaker
So Mike, how's it going today?
00:00:30
Speaker
Great, Laura.
00:00:30
Speaker
Thank you for having me on the podcast.
00:00:32
Speaker
It's great to be here.
00:00:33
Speaker
Yeah, awesome.
00:00:33
Speaker
Well, I'm really excited to dig into what it is you do and why you do it.
Transition to Sports Psychology
00:00:39
Speaker
So I am a mental performance coach, sports psychology professional to young athletes specifically, pretty much kids anywhere from the ages of say 12 up to 22.
00:00:50
Speaker
And I focus in that age group as a father.
00:00:54
Speaker
I just found a lot of, I had a lot of experiences as a
00:00:58
Speaker
parent and a volunteer coach that really sort of troubled me or like always had me very curious about how do we make the sports experience best for young people.
00:01:07
Speaker
And so about seven years ago, I decided to upend my life.
Pressures on Young Athletes
00:01:12
Speaker
I went into a new career.
00:01:13
Speaker
I left the business world after about 20 years, went back and I got a master's degree in sports psychology.
00:01:19
Speaker
And I started my own practice coaching, you know, young athletes and their families on how to handle the pressures of sport.
00:01:25
Speaker
Yes.
00:01:25
Speaker
Yeah.
00:01:26
Speaker
Well, I think what you're doing is awesome because as we both know, and I think everybody feels it and they know in their bones that we're kind of driving ourselves a little crazy as parents with all the pressure that our kids are experiencing with sports and the level of competition.
00:01:42
Speaker
I mean, I think so many of us just know that inherently because of the amount of time we're spending driving our kids in the car to all their practices and private lessons and whatnot.
00:01:51
Speaker
And then also the amount of money parents are paying.
00:01:55
Speaker
And so it's just become a thing compared to, I don't know how old you are, but I grew up, you know, 80s, kind of 90s.
00:02:02
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:02:03
Speaker
It wasn't a thing.
00:02:03
Speaker
You know, it's kind of you did your sport and there wasn't a ton of this kind of extra level of competition.
00:02:08
Speaker
So I'm just so curious about how do you, you know, you meet a family, the child is under immense
Addressing Anxiety and Focus
00:02:17
Speaker
amount of pressure.
00:02:17
Speaker
Like what is the typical problem that they come to you for?
00:02:21
Speaker
Yeah.
00:02:22
Speaker
Yeah, I would say there's a lot of things, but I would say the number one issue, I'd sort of categorize it in sort of the fear of failure perfectionism bucket, where some of those things you just described, right?
00:02:34
Speaker
The amount of time and energy and money that families as a collective group put into the process, I think exacerbates the
00:02:42
Speaker
the feeling that the athlete has to be successful from a performance standpoint to justify their involvement.
00:02:49
Speaker
And so that leads to a fear of, oh, I played poorly today.
00:02:53
Speaker
I made a mistake.
00:02:54
Speaker
Oh, I'm not going to get picked for this travel team.
00:02:56
Speaker
I'm not going to get selected for my school team.
00:02:58
Speaker
I'm not going to play in college.
Parental Involvement in Coaching
00:03:00
Speaker
And that fear of those sort of negative outcomes dictates the way they perform on the field.
00:03:05
Speaker
The irony in that is, is when you're thinking about those things that you can't control and do anything about,
00:03:11
Speaker
the past, the future, other people, coaches, decisions, all those things, that actually takes away from your ability to perform at your best in the present moment.
00:03:20
Speaker
So it's really my job to help them become aware of it, understand it, but then find the tools to be able to sort of
00:03:26
Speaker
work through that because it's not that easy as human beings.
00:03:29
Speaker
Like we all have our own stresses and anxiety.
00:03:31
Speaker
And when things are really important to us and they're not going as well as we'd like them to, it is really hard to stay focused on what am I doing right now?
00:03:39
Speaker
And that's what I try to help everybody I work with do.
00:03:44
Speaker
And so you work with kind of the age group 12 to 22.
00:03:47
Speaker
And so I want to talk about how you help the kids.
00:03:50
Speaker
But as we both know, the parents is a whole very important another component to it.
00:03:56
Speaker
So how do you address that?
00:03:58
Speaker
So I think the best thing that I do for the parents I work with, because philosophically, I mean, yes, the kids are my primary client in that I'm engaging in formal sessions with them.
00:04:11
Speaker
I'm coaching them one-on-one typically.
00:04:13
Speaker
But the parents, like I'm talking to them in the process, whether it's in the beginning of getting to understand and know them or just having these like check-ins with them, like, hey, how are things going?
00:04:23
Speaker
Like giving them some tips.
00:04:25
Speaker
And I think the number one thing that parents want from me is to feel understood, right?
00:04:30
Speaker
They want to be heard.
00:04:31
Speaker
They want to feel like, you know, whatever they're feeling and experiencing, they're
00:04:36
Speaker
that they're being validated in it.
00:04:37
Speaker
Cause I think it can drive a lot of families crazy and they sort of fall into that same bucket of we're doing all this stuff, but we're not getting the outcomes that we want.
00:04:45
Speaker
And it's really frustrating.
00:04:46
Speaker
It's really upsetting.
00:04:47
Speaker
And I think parents, you know, worry like, am I doing everything I can to, to help my child be successful?
00:04:54
Speaker
And I can reassure them that they are right.
00:04:57
Speaker
And I think that really helps them to sort of settle down and take a step back and take a deep breath and go, okay, okay.
00:05:03
Speaker
It takes a village type of mentality of like, hey, I have Mike in this process.
00:05:08
Speaker
Mike's a parent.
00:05:09
Speaker
Mike's an expert.
00:05:10
Speaker
He's helping my child.
00:05:12
Speaker
He's helping me.
00:05:12
Speaker
And it just sort of takes some of the edge off of like, hey, let's inject some perspective and some space into the process so that
Promoting a Growth Mindset
00:05:19
Speaker
we don't have to feel like we have to solve all these problems on our own because we have so many things on our plate as parents.
00:05:25
Speaker
Yeah, so true.
00:05:26
Speaker
So how do you balance like I you know, these days, it's like so many kids either want to play college sports or, you know, it's a hope or dream or maybe even an expectation of the parents.
00:05:38
Speaker
And statistically speaking, you know, not I don't know what the percentage is.
00:05:42
Speaker
You probably know, like what will actually go on to play college and then what will actually go on to play professional sports.
00:05:49
Speaker
And so how do you balance that like stress and challenge and expectation or maybe hope like it could be a positive thing, too, with just the acceptance of it's OK to be who I am.
00:06:02
Speaker
It's OK to be the best athlete that I can be.
00:06:05
Speaker
And I don't have to tie it to this future outcome that may or may not exist.
00:06:10
Speaker
Yeah.
00:06:10
Speaker
So that's a really good question.
00:06:12
Speaker
And it's a simple question and it's a hard question at the same time.
00:06:16
Speaker
So what I mean by that is, is I think I try to help the athletes and their families understand that it's a process, right?
00:06:24
Speaker
It doesn't always go at the rate that you want it to, but if you're doing the things that young people need to do to put themselves in the best position possible to be successful, you
00:06:35
Speaker
That's all you can do, right?
00:06:36
Speaker
So it's sort of this growth mindset idea of, hey, I just want to keep getting better and I'm going to do everything I can in my control to put myself in a position to be successful.
00:06:46
Speaker
And if
Balancing Sports and Life
00:06:47
Speaker
I don't get the outcome I want, it's not because I didn't try.
00:06:50
Speaker
Now, the challenge is we live in a society where that message is sort of typically drowned out by
00:06:56
Speaker
The outcome sort of oriented mindset, which is social media, other people, you know, finances, all those things.
00:07:03
Speaker
And so like sometimes I find myself kind of trying to like rein people in and try to work them backwards to go, hey, let's just focus on the stuff we can control.
00:07:13
Speaker
And if you do everything you can, then you should feel good from a human level.
00:07:17
Speaker
Right.
00:07:18
Speaker
From a character standpoint that I did everything I could.
00:07:20
Speaker
And it's not a reflection of you as a person.
00:07:25
Speaker
And that's a really hard thing to balance because so much of young people's identities is tied up in sport.
00:07:30
Speaker
Right.
00:07:31
Speaker
And something you said initially, I think, was was really rung true with me, which is.
00:07:36
Speaker
When I was growing up, you know, playing, I was an athlete in high school and I was a good athlete.
00:07:40
Speaker
Now I was, wasn't great, but I was good.
00:07:43
Speaker
And I just think about the amount of pressure I put on myself in like the early 1990s when there was no social media, when my parents were, they were high school graduates.
00:07:51
Speaker
They didn't know anything about college.
00:07:53
Speaker
They didn't have the money to do all this stuff.
00:07:55
Speaker
And I was still torturing myself over sports.
00:07:59
Speaker
Now you add in this layer of like,
00:08:01
Speaker
these layers of like social media and, um, you know, the financial end of it and all this stuff, it's like putting gasoline on a fire.
00:08:09
Speaker
So I can't even imagine what I would be like today.
00:08:11
Speaker
I would be a basket case.
00:08:13
Speaker
It is really, really hard.
00:08:14
Speaker
I think to operate in that world, especially when you're not one of the best or you view yourself as one of the best and it can create lead to a lot of, a lot, a lot of challenges.
00:08:24
Speaker
Yeah.
00:08:24
Speaker
Yeah.
00:08:25
Speaker
Um,
00:08:26
Speaker
Okay, so next thing I'm curious about is for the kid who is the really high achiever, really motivated, putting all the right foods in their body, doing everything they can possibly do.
00:08:41
Speaker
At what point does it become...
00:08:44
Speaker
Like unhealthy and obsession or is there no point?
00:08:47
Speaker
Is that just amazing?
00:08:48
Speaker
And that's like the next Michael Phelps, like, you know, or, you know, something like that.
00:08:52
Speaker
Like, where is the tipping line where it becomes like from a really healthy, motivated kid to unhealthy, like this kid is obsessed and they need to like chill out?
00:09:02
Speaker
Yeah, I think that's a really good question.
00:09:04
Speaker
And I think that's one of the things where my view and philosophy has evolved over time.
00:09:09
Speaker
I think five years ago, I would have said that kid, to me, was troubling.
00:09:16
Speaker
It shouldn't be that way.
00:09:17
Speaker
And what I've learned is, listen, there are just certain individuals, certain young people who just have that hyper intense focus and motivation to be the best.
00:09:26
Speaker
And that's a wonderful thing.
00:09:27
Speaker
I think the tipping point with that is when it starts to spill into their personal life, meaning are they depressed when things don't go their way or are they burnt out or they don't have friends, they don't have a social life, they're not doing normal kid things and it's affecting them visibly, right?
00:09:45
Speaker
Right.
00:09:47
Speaker
And I think that's the line for me is like, because like in my work, I'm not a clinically trained professional, but I am trained to recognize clinical disorders.
00:09:55
Speaker
Right.
00:09:55
Speaker
So like I work with kids in a performance context, but if I see a kid is like, you know, they have, you know, they have a bad performance and they don't want to get out of bed for three days, or they have a bad performance and they're constantly beating themselves up.
00:10:08
Speaker
That's where it starts to be like, well, you're going to burn out on this eventually if you keep doing this to yourself.
Handling Parental Pressure
00:10:15
Speaker
And so as a professional, I have to help them find ways to sort of build in that perspective so they don't burn out, right?
00:10:22
Speaker
Can we find other areas of their identity and their...
00:10:25
Speaker
Their person that they value, right?
00:10:27
Speaker
Are there hobbies that they could do just to take themselves away from sport?
00:10:31
Speaker
Or do they have a career path for the future that they're looking towards that they could say, hey, if I get to that as a backup, I'd still feel pretty good.
00:10:40
Speaker
Because when you have that sort of...
00:10:42
Speaker
singular focus and that mindset where the only thing that matters is success, it can very easily lead to burnout if the conditions aren't right in the environment for them to sort of continue to move forward in that process.
00:10:57
Speaker
And what do you do if it's the parent that's the one that's pushing them to that high level of achievement?
00:11:04
Speaker
Truthfully, I think that's probably even a harder one to answer from me, right?
00:11:09
Speaker
The parents are my clients, but the young people really are the ones I'm focused on.
00:11:14
Speaker
So I mean, I was certainly, I tried to listen to parents.
00:11:17
Speaker
I tried to give them perspective.
00:11:20
Speaker
I don't, as a parent, right, I don't want anybody to tell me how to parent my child.
00:11:23
Speaker
So I try to really steer clear of that, right?
00:11:26
Speaker
Like I try to give them like nuggets, right?
00:11:29
Speaker
Or ask them good questions to let them sort of plant that seed so they can answer the questions for themselves.
00:11:35
Speaker
But what I would tell their child in that situation is like,
00:11:38
Speaker
just like a coach or just like a teacher or just like the things around you, your parents are going to do what they're going to do, right?
00:11:45
Speaker
You can't control them or you can't control other people.
00:11:47
Speaker
So you have to find a strategy to be able to operate in that relationship with your parent.
00:11:52
Speaker
And it's hard, right?
00:11:53
Speaker
They're your parents.
00:11:54
Speaker
I love them.
00:11:55
Speaker
They love me.
00:11:56
Speaker
There's obviously a bigger relationship than just athlete to parent.
00:12:00
Speaker
It's parent to child.
00:12:01
Speaker
Yeah.
00:12:02
Speaker
So like the kid has to find a way, I think, to manage that, whether it's through communication strategies and finding ways to let their parents know that like what's happening is really bothering them or like just having ways to sort of compartmentalize it and be able to make peace with it so that they don't carry that burden, that baggage and feel like I always have to like make my parents happy because no matter what we do, right, like they may not be happy anyway.
00:12:28
Speaker
So like that's not a healthy, you know, dynamic.
Teaching Resilience and Self-Advocacy
00:12:32
Speaker
Yeah.
00:12:32
Speaker
And I always hope parents have enough self-awareness with this, but you never know.
00:12:37
Speaker
Sometimes you do find these ones that are, you know, living out their own dream of what they didn't do.
00:12:43
Speaker
And so they're trying to live it out back through their kids.
00:12:45
Speaker
And it's this whole thing.
00:12:46
Speaker
So, OK, next question is, what do you do to...
00:12:51
Speaker
Encourage your child after a bad performance or a loss.
00:12:56
Speaker
You know, how do you how do you balance validating and empathizing with their sad or disappointed feelings and be encouraging at the same time?
00:13:07
Speaker
Yeah.
00:13:07
Speaker
So, I mean, I would talk about that.
00:13:10
Speaker
I'll talk about that from a parental standpoint.
00:13:12
Speaker
My kids are both competitive soccer players and particularly my younger one, my daughter.
00:13:19
Speaker
My daughter is kind of ridden, not ridden, that's too strong a word.
00:13:24
Speaker
she has a bit of anxiety, right?
00:13:26
Speaker
Like, and she overthinks a lot of things.
00:13:29
Speaker
And when she has a bad game, she does tend to get really down on herself.
00:13:32
Speaker
And, you know, I try to reassure her one, like, Hey, it's just one game, right?
00:13:37
Speaker
Let's take, and then let's reflect on it, right?
00:13:39
Speaker
Like, yeah, maybe it didn't go exactly the way you wanted to, but there had to have been things that you did well.
00:13:45
Speaker
Let's look at the things that you did well.
00:13:47
Speaker
And let's start to look at what can we, what can we take from what we learned and apply it to the next game?
00:13:53
Speaker
And I think that that does help at the same time, too, as a parent.
00:13:56
Speaker
Like, I also have to learn how to just sit with the fact that I can't make her feel better.
00:14:01
Speaker
Right.
00:14:03
Speaker
She's going to have to go through and process her own feelings and let her work through that herself and not try to control that experience for her, because that can actually lead to more anxiety.
00:14:12
Speaker
Right.
00:14:13
Speaker
So like to reassure and say, hey, you know, that was great.
00:14:16
Speaker
You tried hard.
00:14:17
Speaker
Maybe it didn't go the way you wanted to.
00:14:19
Speaker
Let's think about what you could do a little bit differently next time.
00:14:22
Speaker
And then you move on.
00:14:24
Speaker
But like, if you're continuing to harp on that or trying to change the way that they feel, that's going to make it harder for them to sort of get through the experience.
00:14:32
Speaker
Whereas you just sort of like take a step back and go like, you know what?
00:14:35
Speaker
They're going to have to figure this out.
00:14:36
Speaker
That's a really hard thing for a parent to do.
00:14:39
Speaker
Totally.
00:14:39
Speaker
Yes.
00:14:40
Speaker
I couldn't agree more.
00:14:41
Speaker
And I, you know, as a mom of four kids and three of them are teenagers and a middle schooler also, that is hard because you hate to see your child sad or disappointed or upset, or they didn't get enough playing time.
00:14:55
Speaker
But the thing is, is that disappointment, sadness, all those emotions that comes along with that, that's a normal part of life.
00:15:02
Speaker
Like if your child never felt those feelings and
00:15:05
Speaker
Then what happens when suddenly they're in their 20s and they get fired from their first job or whatever happens, they get broken up with.
00:15:11
Speaker
And that's the first time they've ever felt that because they've been protected all this time.
00:15:14
Speaker
Then they're really, you know, kind of being set up for a big crash.
00:15:18
Speaker
Whereas if they get to experience these little micro disappointments or, you know, macro as well, it's practice.
00:15:24
Speaker
Right.
00:15:25
Speaker
And these are normal emotions.
00:15:26
Speaker
And so as parents to like.
00:15:29
Speaker
feel okay and comfortable that our child is in distress.
00:15:32
Speaker
I mean, that kind of sounds like what you're saying.
00:15:34
Speaker
And I totally agree.
00:15:35
Speaker
Does that resonate with you?
00:15:36
Speaker
Yeah, of course it resonates.
00:15:39
Speaker
And I actually like the way you described it micro versus macro because-
00:15:45
Speaker
I think that's actually the biggest challenge is like, I see a setback and in particular performance as something that's like a small, really small, like, you know, pebble in the pond, because I have the perspective of, you know, almost 50 years on the earth, right?
00:15:59
Speaker
Like I see it as just one game, no big deal.
00:16:02
Speaker
Then it can feel like everything.
00:16:04
Speaker
Right.
00:16:04
Speaker
And so knowing that it feels like everything to my daughter or to one of the kids I work with, like I
00:16:10
Speaker
I also don't want to downplay that.
00:16:12
Speaker
I want them to like, you know, I don't want to like diminish that because then it's like, I'm making them feel less than at the same time.
00:16:19
Speaker
You want to be able to sort of plant the seed that, Hey, like you're going to be okay with this.
00:16:23
Speaker
It's going to be okay.
00:16:24
Speaker
And so like, it's just a really challenging thing.
00:16:26
Speaker
I think as humans, whether we're grownups or we're, you know, teenagers or children or whatever, like we all have a struggle dealing with our own emotions at times.
00:16:35
Speaker
And, you know, unfortunately we're the one, we're the only ones that can sort through it.
00:16:39
Speaker
Right.
00:16:40
Speaker
And you're right.
00:16:41
Speaker
We're doing them a disservice if we're trying to feel those feelings or change them for our kids as much as that might make us uncomfortable as parents.
00:16:50
Speaker
And the best visual that I love to give, I learned this a long time ago, when your child's a little, you know, when they're itty bitty and they get a balloon at a birthday party or something and it goes flying up in the sky or at the grocery store, you know, inevitably they always let go and it goes up and they're crying and they're upset and they're so disappointed.
00:17:08
Speaker
And you're thinking, oh my gosh, it's just a balloon.
00:17:11
Speaker
We can get a million others.
00:17:12
Speaker
It's no big deal.
00:17:14
Speaker
But if you imagine that that is your cell phone and your wallet flying up into the sky,
00:17:19
Speaker
How upset would you be?
00:17:20
Speaker
Right.
00:17:20
Speaker
You're like, ah, you know, how it feels to them at the time.
00:17:25
Speaker
And so I think parents need to remember how to put their themselves in their child's shoes so they can feel those feelings as well.
00:17:32
Speaker
Well, one, I'm going to steal that because I think it's a perfect analogy.
00:17:36
Speaker
And I think what you just said there is absolutely spot on.
00:17:40
Speaker
Try to put yourself in your child's shoes.
00:17:44
Speaker
What would you want?
00:17:45
Speaker
What would the teenage you want?
00:17:48
Speaker
Even if I was struggling when I was in high school, and I actually have a story about that.
00:17:53
Speaker
I played high school basketball and I was not very good.
00:17:56
Speaker
but I loved being on the team and I knew I wasn't very good.
00:17:59
Speaker
I just like having a uniform and playing with my friends.
00:18:02
Speaker
And there was a time where my mother actually went up to my coach and said something about my playing time.
00:18:06
Speaker
Like she just got frustrated and I just shut her down.
00:18:10
Speaker
And I was like, mom, like, no, you're wrong.
00:18:12
Speaker
Like, I know that I'm not that good.
00:18:15
Speaker
I'm happy with where I'm at.
00:18:17
Speaker
Like you have to just like,
00:18:20
Speaker
Let it go.
00:18:20
Speaker
Right.
00:18:21
Speaker
And I think for a lot of parents, they have a hard time.
00:18:23
Speaker
They have a hard time with that.
00:18:25
Speaker
But I don't want my my parents fighting my battles for me.
00:18:27
Speaker
I know my kids don't.
00:18:28
Speaker
Right.
00:18:29
Speaker
So it's tricky.
00:18:31
Speaker
It's such a delicate balance that we go through.
00:18:34
Speaker
Yeah, yeah.
00:18:35
Speaker
And that's something I'm seeing a lot of as well.
00:18:37
Speaker
So my son played freshman high school football this year.
00:18:40
Speaker
And just, you know, in conversation with lots of parents and some, you know, this is the time when you you take a step back, you don't get involved, even the coaches at the beginning of the year say, Hey, you know, leave the coaching to us.
00:18:52
Speaker
We really honestly don't want to
00:18:54
Speaker
hear from you.
00:18:55
Speaker
And I think that's hard for a lot of parents because we're so used to like being advocating for our children.
00:19:00
Speaker
And that's, you know, unfortunately, like teachers are getting a lot of the brunt of that from, you know, an early age.
00:19:06
Speaker
And so how can we trust that our child can advocate for themselves?
00:19:15
Speaker
Well, I think this is a really hard one in the sense that
00:19:19
Speaker
I think we can give them the advice, we can teach them the skills, but it is hard to force them to advocate for themselves, right?
00:19:28
Speaker
So like, I'll just use another personal anecdote.
00:19:30
Speaker
My son plays high school soccer.
00:19:31
Speaker
He's on the varsity soccer team.
00:19:33
Speaker
He's been there for two years.
00:19:34
Speaker
He's had some struggles.
00:19:36
Speaker
And I think there are things that we see as parents that like, I would agree, like, I think maybe he's being shortchanged a bit, but I'm never going to pick up the phone or send an email to a coach.
00:19:47
Speaker
What we say to him is like, if this is really that painful for you, then let's talk about how you can go have a conversation with your coach.
00:19:56
Speaker
If it's not that painful and it's just an annoyance or just a frustration and you're not willing to have that conversation, then that's a consequence that you're going to have to live with.
Importance of Parental Self-Care
00:20:06
Speaker
And I think that's where we can teach them the skills about why self-advocacy is important.
00:20:12
Speaker
We can tell them what to say.
00:20:14
Speaker
We can show them how to do it.
00:20:16
Speaker
But unless they go and do it,
00:20:18
Speaker
then we have to sort of live with the fact that they're not ready, right?
00:20:20
Speaker
Whether they're developmentally not mature enough to have that conversation or they're choosing not to do it because it's not that important to them.
00:20:28
Speaker
Either way, like I can think he should do it or she should do it.
00:20:32
Speaker
But if they don't think they should do it at that age, like they're just not going to do it.
00:20:36
Speaker
And I think, I think sometimes like in any context, whether it's, you know, with teenage issues, whether it's drinking parties,
00:20:44
Speaker
academics, whatever it is, right?
00:20:46
Speaker
Schoolwork is a big one, right?
00:20:47
Speaker
Like if your kid doesn't perceive the assignment or the project or whatever it is, their grades to be that important, we can push them to do it.
00:20:56
Speaker
But if they don't have that autonomy to make that choice, they're going to resist it, whether it's today or they're going to rebel against it when they're in college and they have all the independence in the world.
00:21:07
Speaker
So I'm a big believer.
00:21:08
Speaker
We've got to create the conditions for young people to advocate for themselves.
00:21:12
Speaker
But if they don't like,
00:21:14
Speaker
You have to learn that there's a consequence that comes with it.
00:21:17
Speaker
Yeah, I think that's really a great lesson.
00:21:21
Speaker
Okay, anything that I didn't ask you that you'd like to share, anything I missed or that you feel is important to share with the moms?
00:21:30
Speaker
I think what I would say to any mom who's listening is, I know as a father, and I'm not a mother, so I don't want to be dismissive.
00:21:39
Speaker
The job of a mother is extremely hard.
00:21:42
Speaker
Right.
00:21:42
Speaker
You're, you have, you know, you have so many responsibilities and so many expectations that you put on yourself and that others expect of you.
00:21:49
Speaker
Right.
00:21:49
Speaker
I think being able to show up for your kids, right.
00:21:52
Speaker
Is really, really important.
00:21:53
Speaker
Right.
00:21:54
Speaker
Take care of yourself first, put on your oxygen mask first.
00:21:57
Speaker
I'm a business.
00:21:58
Speaker
in that, right?
00:21:58
Speaker
Like if you're in a place and you have the ability to look at things objectively, then it's going to be a lot easier for you to show up and say and do the right things for your children.
00:22:08
Speaker
Like just, and I feel the same way about myself as a father.
00:22:11
Speaker
I think that's really important.
00:22:12
Speaker
I think sometimes we sort of just dismiss or we put our own needs to the, on the back burner because we feel like our kids should come first.
00:22:20
Speaker
And then that creates an anxiety or sometimes a resentment.
00:22:22
Speaker
I think that that's a really important thing to do.
Conclusion and Resources
00:22:26
Speaker
Very valuable.
00:22:27
Speaker
I love that you said that.
00:22:28
Speaker
Okay.
00:22:28
Speaker
Well, Mike, how can people find you going forward?
00:22:31
Speaker
Yeah.
00:22:31
Speaker
So my website is michaelv as in victorhuber.com.
00:22:35
Speaker
So anything you'd want to find there, I have, I have my own podcast called the Freshman Foundation.
00:22:40
Speaker
I have blogs, I have my social media, I have free resources.
00:22:44
Speaker
So pretty much anything you can contact me through the website.
00:22:47
Speaker
So anything that you'd ever want to know about me is there.
00:22:50
Speaker
And it would be great if you visited.
00:22:52
Speaker
Awesome.
00:22:53
Speaker
Well, thank you so much for the time.
00:22:54
Speaker
This was an awesome conversation.
00:22:56
Speaker
I really appreciate it.
00:22:57
Speaker
And you take care.
00:22:59
Speaker
Thank you so much, Laura.
00:23:03
Speaker
Thank you for listening to the Positively Healthy Mom podcast, because there's no manual for the hardest job in the world.
00:23:10
Speaker
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