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Navigating Parenthood and Funeral Directing: The Modern Funeral Director's Dilemma, the story of Little Miss Funeral
6 Plays1 year ago
In this episode of The Glam Reaper Podcast, Jennifer welcomes Lauren Leroy, a Licensed Funeral Director and the creative mind behind the blog and YouTube channel "Little Miss Funeral."
Lauren opens up about the inspiration behind her online platform and how it became a safe space for sharing her journey in the funeral industry.
Lauren talked about her decision to prioritize her role as a parent over her career as she explored the delicate balance between family obligations and professional pursuits.
Don't miss out on this episode as Jennifer and Lauren discuss prioritizing family over career obligations and the impact that can have on your career and your mental health within the death space. Tune in now!
Key Topics:
-Fulfilment and Challenges of Balancing Motherhood and Funeral Directing
-Coping Mechanisms and Gratitude in Funeral Directing
-Mental Health & Self-Care in the Funeral Industry
-The Influence of Social Media on Death Care
-Emotional Toll of Funeral Directing during COVID-19
Quotes From The Episode:
I just think that it's very difficult to be a devoted funeral director and a present parent at the same time.
- Lauren Leroy
I can sleep at night knowing I gave that family all that I could in whatever way I could.
- Jennifer Muldowney
Timestamp:
[00:00] Podcast Intro
[00:55] Lauren discusses the origins of her blog and YouTube channel, "Little Miss Funeral.”
[07:12] Lauren deliberated her personal experiences of dealing with pregnancy and then motherhood as a funeral director.
[08:53] Jennifer reflects on the profound shifts in life trajectories, particularly for women.
[11:27] Lauren on her decision to prioritize her role as a parent over her career as a funeral director.
[13:38] Jennifer talks about prioritizing family over career obligations, and reflects on the finite nature of life.
[15:55] Lauren explored her initial expectation of returning to work soon after having children due to her love for her profession as a funeral director.
[18:23] Jennifer analyzed the need for a shift in perspective within the funeral industry towards part-time work arrangements
[22:39] Lauren emphasised the personal growth gained from experiencing loss themselves.
[27:24] Jennifer acknowledged the role of funeral professionals as informal therapists due to their empathetic nature
[28:51] Lauren talked about the evolution of the funeral industry in the age of social media.
[34:47] Jennifer and Lauren conversed about the coping mechanisms used in dealing with traumatic situations in the funeral industry.
[38:14] Outro
Connect with Lauren Leroy:
LinkedIn - linkedin.com/in/lauren-k-leroy-1679a3179
https://twitter.com/lttlemissfunerl?lang=en
https://littlemissfuneral.wordpress.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYb7bNwEw59Gew3w0S5
Connect with Jennifer/The Glam Reaper:
Facebook Page - Muldowney Memorials: https://www.facebook.com/MuldowneyMemorials/
Facebook Page - Rainbow Bridge Memorials: https://www.facebook.com/rainbowbridgememorialsdotcom
Instagram - @muldowneymemorials &
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Guest Introduction
00:00:00
Speaker
I've been doing this for 14 years.
00:00:01
Speaker
You don't last this long in this industry if you don't truly have like a love for the work that you're doing and the peace that you're bringing to people during a horrible time.
00:00:10
Speaker
Yeah.
00:00:23
Speaker
Hi everybody and welcome to another episode of the Glam Reaper podcast.
Childhood Memories and Influences
00:00:28
Speaker
I'm your host Jennifer Muldowney aka the Glam Reaper and on today's episode we are doing, we're going down a little childhood route of mine or route as you guys say over here and we're talking to a Little Miss funeral.
00:00:41
Speaker
So I love, we used to love the Little Miss and the Little Mr. Man.
00:00:44
Speaker
So Lauren, welcome to the showy.
00:00:46
Speaker
Thank you so much for having me.
00:00:48
Speaker
It's so nice to be here.
00:00:49
Speaker
I have followed you for a while.
00:00:53
Speaker
So I've been in this business for about 15 years and I'm dying for you to tell everyone your story.
00:00:58
Speaker
So I've kind of followed you from early on.
00:01:01
Speaker
And then I know like sabbatical, we talk, you talk and want to hear all about that.
00:01:06
Speaker
And I know you've kind of
00:01:08
Speaker
You know, you're not as involved in all of the online stuff as you used to, which is so cool.
00:01:13
Speaker
But I want to hear all I want to hear the journey and how you came to be Little Miss Funeral.
00:01:17
Speaker
How did that name come about?
Journey into Funeral Directing
00:01:19
Speaker
Oh, so, yeah, my name is Lauren.
00:01:22
Speaker
Sorry, at the beginning, I guess.
00:01:24
Speaker
I am a licensed funeral director in the state of New York.
00:01:27
Speaker
I have been working actively at a funeral home for the past 14 years.
00:01:31
Speaker
And when I first started, I first started Little Miss Funeral, I think it was 2012.
00:01:36
Speaker
And it kind of started, I was 22 at the time.
00:01:39
Speaker
I'd already been working in a funeral home for two years.
00:01:42
Speaker
And it kind of started out of depression for me, I guess.
00:01:48
Speaker
I'm being very young, working in the funeral home.
00:01:50
Speaker
I'm the kind of person where I talk about my feelings.
00:01:53
Speaker
So if something's bothering me, you know about it.
00:01:55
Speaker
If I'm happy, you know about it.
00:01:57
Speaker
And I think working so much in the death care industry at such a long early age, it really like I just wanted to kind of share what I was doing.
00:02:06
Speaker
And at this other hand, I was kind of sick and tired of friends and family asking me about my job.
00:02:11
Speaker
So I thought, OK, let's just, you know, do tubers with one stone.
00:02:15
Speaker
I will start a blog.
Blogging Journey and Influences
00:02:16
Speaker
I will get some of how I'm feeling off of my chest and kind of down on paper, like an online diary.
00:02:21
Speaker
And then I would have my friends and family read it too.
00:02:24
Speaker
Kind of started with that.
00:02:26
Speaker
I honestly never thought anybody would read anything that I put because it started with a written blog, not a YouTube or anything.
00:02:33
Speaker
And I truly never thought that anybody but my friends and family would read it or truly be interested in it.
00:02:38
Speaker
Like this was kind of at the very beginning of like the internet funeral process.
00:02:43
Speaker
Death Care Dying Arrow.
00:02:44
Speaker
I was kind of one of the first ones, like along with Caleb Wilde.
00:02:48
Speaker
There was Ace Ratcliffe at the time, who was like the mortuary report, you know, and like you had the modern mortician who was coming on the scene.
00:02:55
Speaker
So like there weren't a lot of us that were actively sharing our stories.
00:03:00
Speaker
careers online.
00:03:02
Speaker
And the name Little Miss Funeral kind of started, I am not the biggest of ladies.
00:03:07
Speaker
And growing up, my nickname was always Little Lauren.
00:03:10
Speaker
Like, if there were other Laurens around, it was kind of like, oh, hey, Lauren, what Lauren?
00:03:15
Speaker
Little Lauren.
00:03:16
Speaker
You know, so like, Little Miss just...
00:03:21
Speaker
And then I was like, well, funeral, I do funerals.
00:03:23
Speaker
So Little Miss Funeral was kind of born.
00:03:25
Speaker
Like, I'll never forget.
00:03:26
Speaker
I was actually at my husband's house, but we were just, we were engaged.
00:03:30
Speaker
We were engaged at the time.
00:03:31
Speaker
And I was sitting on his couch.
00:03:33
Speaker
And I'm like, yeah, Little Miss Funeral, that's good enough.
00:03:35
Speaker
Didn't even put any thought into the name, like, truly, which I really like the name now that I hadn't been around.
00:03:41
Speaker
So I'm like, hey, it worked out.
00:03:43
Speaker
Yeah.
00:03:46
Speaker
And the blog really just kind of took
Transition to YouTube
00:03:48
Speaker
off from there.
00:03:48
Speaker
I mean, I just honestly started posting about like my day to day, like things that I experienced, emotions that I was dealing with, how I was dealing with those emotions.
00:03:57
Speaker
I would kind of like make jokes here or there, like kind of posted an article one time about 10 things that I learned while working in the funeral home.
00:04:05
Speaker
And Caleb Wild saw that, Confessions of the Funeral Director.
00:04:08
Speaker
So he asked if he could put that on his blog.
00:04:11
Speaker
And that kind of like jumpstarted everything.
00:04:14
Speaker
Yeah.
00:04:14
Speaker
Like he really kind of jumpstarted everything.
00:04:17
Speaker
And I found that the more I wrote and the more I shared, the better I was able to deal with the emotions that came along with being a funeral director.
00:04:28
Speaker
So I did that for quite a long time.
00:04:30
Speaker
And I liked writing.
00:04:32
Speaker
I personally believe that I am a better writer than I am speaker.
Balancing YouTube and Family Life
00:04:36
Speaker
I feel like I have all these thoughts in my head.
00:04:38
Speaker
And when I put them down on paper, I can kind of cohesively put them together and I can edit them and really...
00:04:45
Speaker
see what I want to say and then put it out when I think it's perfect.
00:04:49
Speaker
I feel like when I talk, sometimes my ideas and emotions just come out and I'm like, oh, did that make sense?
00:04:56
Speaker
But then, oh gosh, I think it was 2017.
00:04:59
Speaker
My husband kind of encouraged me to start a YouTube channel.
00:05:04
Speaker
He was like, hey, Lauren, you know, blogs are out.
00:05:07
Speaker
YouTube's in.
00:05:09
Speaker
do that.
00:05:10
Speaker
And I was kind of like, I don't know.
00:05:12
Speaker
I don't know if I want to.
00:05:13
Speaker
I don't know if I want to sit on a camera and talk.
00:05:15
Speaker
Yeah, I don't know if it's for me.
00:05:18
Speaker
But he really encouraged me to do it.
00:05:19
Speaker
My husband's really active online, like even to this day, like he has his own like gaming channel.
00:05:24
Speaker
He is just really into social media.
00:05:27
Speaker
And he pushed me to do it.
00:05:28
Speaker
And I did it.
00:05:29
Speaker
And that was pre kids.
00:05:31
Speaker
And I ended up falling in love with it.
00:05:33
Speaker
Like I would come home from work and I would set up my camera and I would record videos again about things that I was doing or emotions that I was feeling.
00:05:40
Speaker
And then it kind of evolved into people asking me questions and I would answer the questions that they asked.
00:05:46
Speaker
And then the YouTube channel, you know, started to take off.
00:05:49
Speaker
I mean, I don't have like anywhere close to like a million subscribers or anything like that.
00:05:53
Speaker
But for like a small town person who, you know, who am I in the grand scheme of funeral directors?
00:05:59
Speaker
Like it was awesome to have a lot of support.
00:06:03
Speaker
And I didn't really leave.
00:06:04
Speaker
Like, I still don't think I left YouTube.
00:06:07
Speaker
I have so many, like, ambitions to come back.
00:06:11
Speaker
It's just that I am on such a different journey in my life right now.
00:06:16
Speaker
I work still at a funeral home about 30, 35 hours a week.
00:06:19
Speaker
Yesterday, I worked 13 hours.
00:06:21
Speaker
And now I have two kids.
00:06:23
Speaker
And we homeschool.
00:06:24
Speaker
So if I'm at the funeral home, I'm basically there now.
00:06:28
Speaker
All day long.
00:06:29
Speaker
And when I'm home, I'm with my children, homeschooling my kids, taking them to co-op.
00:06:34
Speaker
We live on like 11 acres.
00:06:36
Speaker
I got chickens.
00:06:37
Speaker
So I am just like at a different journey.
00:06:40
Speaker
It takes a lot of time to do the videos and the editing and the posting.
00:06:44
Speaker
So I keep saying, oh, when the girl, when they go to bed, then I can record a video.
00:06:49
Speaker
But then I find I'm exhausted at that time.
00:06:52
Speaker
So one day, hopefully soon, I'm going to post another video up there.
00:06:57
Speaker
And that was it.
00:06:57
Speaker
That was sort of the start of it.
00:06:59
Speaker
Because I do remember, I think you were pregnant with your first child was when it sort of, you were like, you know, I think up to the secret.
00:07:07
Speaker
I think I remember...
00:07:09
Speaker
Yeah.
00:07:09
Speaker
I didn't do that on purpose.
Emotional Challenges in Funeral Work
00:07:11
Speaker
I feel comfortable talking about it now, but I grew up and my mom had a lot of issues.
00:07:19
Speaker
She lost one baby, had my brother, had a miscarriage, and then had me.
00:07:24
Speaker
So growing up, my mom was always very vocal.
00:07:27
Speaker
I always knew I had a sister in heaven.
00:07:29
Speaker
We always talked about this stuff.
00:07:30
Speaker
So I don't know why.
00:07:31
Speaker
I just had this preconceived notion that
00:07:35
Speaker
Because my mom had issues, I would have issues.
00:07:37
Speaker
So with my firstborn, it was kind of like we ignored that I was pregnant.
00:07:42
Speaker
Like we didn't post like anything like only people who saw me in person knew.
00:07:47
Speaker
And it wasn't that I didn't want to share the news, but it was kind of like I...
00:07:52
Speaker
I was prepared.
00:07:54
Speaker
I was, it's horrible to say, but I was just working in death and dying and seeing things that I've seen.
00:07:59
Speaker
I was just like, I'm pregnant.
00:08:00
Speaker
Hopefully I'll have a baby.
00:08:02
Speaker
It wasn't like I was trying to hide it.
00:08:03
Speaker
You know, it was kind of me dealing with that, being a funeral director.
00:08:07
Speaker
seeing different horrible situations that I see.
00:08:10
Speaker
So yeah, that was kind of a secret, but not, I mean, if you watch my videos, I'm just getting bigger and bigger.
00:08:15
Speaker
So it's like, how could you not know when you're honestly watching, you know, it's like, I am actively changing shape in front of you.
00:08:22
Speaker
And then after she was born, I kind of got back into it a little bit, got into the swing of things.
00:08:26
Speaker
And then same thing, like didn't plan it, but like second pregnancy, then kind of same thing disappeared a little bit because of that.
00:08:34
Speaker
And then
00:08:35
Speaker
posted a video saying we had a second kid and then I think that's the last video I posted.
00:08:40
Speaker
Yeah.
00:08:40
Speaker
And that was two years ago.
00:08:43
Speaker
So, but I mean, it's like, as you said, you're at a different trajectory in life.
00:08:46
Speaker
It's not like you're not in the business anymore, but you go through different.
00:08:50
Speaker
And I think for women as well, because
00:08:52
Speaker
Our bodies go through such changes and there is, I think when you work in death care, you see so much loss.
00:08:58
Speaker
Like it's interesting that you said that because it is fascinating.
00:09:02
Speaker
Like baby showers is fascinating to me.
00:09:04
Speaker
Like they're in Ireland now where I'm from.
00:09:08
Speaker
They weren't a huge thing because...
00:09:10
Speaker
It was very much like you hoped you brought a child.
00:09:13
Speaker
Yes.
00:09:14
Speaker
And it was, you know, wasn't an expectation of this is absolutely guaranteed.
00:09:18
Speaker
It was, you know, I know that's kind of 80s Ireland and stuff like that.
00:09:22
Speaker
But like here, it's like you'd have baby showers.
00:09:25
Speaker
And I used to be a bit like have a bit of an ick about that because I'm like, what if it doesn't?
00:09:30
Speaker
You know, there is so much.
00:09:31
Speaker
So I do.
00:09:31
Speaker
I understand a lot of people keeping it secret.
00:09:34
Speaker
I know you didn't, but just like what you said there about how you hoped.
00:09:39
Speaker
rather than expected to yeah it's incredible and I'm delighted and congratulations that you did you know it's it is something that I think more and more people women need to talk about and address is discarriages and how often people have them and
00:09:55
Speaker
It should not be just an expectation that, you know, everything's going to be perfect.
00:09:58
Speaker
And obviously the older we're getting, which we're doing more now, you know, and all of this sort of stuff.
00:10:02
Speaker
But I do think in death care, we kind of get to see a different side of life.
00:10:08
Speaker
You know, I certainly, I mean, with the death of my two friends that brought me into the space.
00:10:13
Speaker
It was a smack in the face.
00:10:15
Speaker
It was like, wait, what do you mean we can die when we're in our 20s?
00:10:18
Speaker
This is bonkers.
00:10:21
Speaker
I didn't sign up for this.
00:10:22
Speaker
You know, it was always people were old or they had cancer or something.
00:10:26
Speaker
And, you know, I mean, cancer is just so prevalent, but that was the disease that people sort of died of when I was in my 20s at that stage.
00:10:35
Speaker
And so for this idea that people at a child's age or in their teens or 20s would pass away was such a novel thing.
00:10:44
Speaker
But yes, it's so prevalent.
00:10:46
Speaker
It's crazy.
00:10:47
Speaker
Yeah, I think that's one thing that the death care industry did.
00:10:50
Speaker
It really opened my eyes at a young age.
00:10:52
Speaker
I was 21 and 30 working.
00:10:55
Speaker
that it can happen anywhere and anytime.
00:10:57
Speaker
So I just, I'm very aware of mortality.
00:11:00
Speaker
I've always been very aware of mortality.
00:11:02
Speaker
Do you find that, can I ask, do you find that I'm not a mom, so I'm asking you, but do you find that that influences the way you parent?
00:11:09
Speaker
Yes, because I quit my full-time job when my firstborn was born to be a stay-at-home mom.
00:11:15
Speaker
And then that lasted for about six months until a local funeral director kind of came and said, hey, Lauren, do you want to work for me part-time?
00:11:22
Speaker
And I said, oh, dang it.
00:11:25
Speaker
Because I do, I do love what I do.
00:11:28
Speaker
I feel like you don't, I've been doing this for 14 years.
00:11:31
Speaker
You don't last this long in this industry if you don't truly have like a love for the work that you're doing and the peace that you're bringing
Work-family Balance and Mortality Awareness
00:11:39
Speaker
to people during a horrible time.
00:11:41
Speaker
I just think that it's very difficult to be a devoted funeral director and a present parent at the same time.
00:11:49
Speaker
I think that's why traditionally you see more men in the role because they traditionally were more of the breadwinners and it wasn't that women weren't able to or capable of doing it because women are wonderful in these roles.
00:12:02
Speaker
I just think that tradition is
00:12:04
Speaker
And the man goes out and the woman stays home.
00:12:07
Speaker
And my firstborn, like I said, the minute she was placed into my arms, I was like, oh, God, nothing is more important than this little baby right here.
00:12:15
Speaker
And I loved her so much that I quit my job or didn't stay away for long.
00:12:22
Speaker
But I am not.
00:12:24
Speaker
Willing to put anything above my kids.
00:12:28
Speaker
And that might make me a worse funeral director for it.
00:12:32
Speaker
Because in the past, my families that I served came above everything and anything.
00:12:39
Speaker
Weddings, birthdays, I can't tell you how many family affairs I missed in the past.
00:12:43
Speaker
My husband just always knew.
00:12:45
Speaker
If something came up, I was going to be gone.
00:12:47
Speaker
And he had peace about that.
00:12:48
Speaker
He knew I was dedicated to my job.
00:12:50
Speaker
But the minute I had kids, I was like, you know what, if they need me, they're coming before a family because I see death.
00:12:56
Speaker
I see grief.
00:12:57
Speaker
I see that time is fleeting.
00:12:59
Speaker
And I'm not promised tomorrow.
00:13:01
Speaker
My family's not promised tomorrow.
00:13:02
Speaker
And I when my time on this earth is complete, I don't want to have any regrets that I didn't spend as much time with my kids as I physically could.
00:13:10
Speaker
I love that, Lauren.
00:13:11
Speaker
And, you know, you've touched on so many points that I want to come back to.
00:13:15
Speaker
But just it's interesting what you're saying there, because that is so true.
00:13:21
Speaker
Like your family should come first.
00:13:24
Speaker
But yet, I mean, I don't have kids and a lot of funeral directors I work with don't have kids.
00:13:28
Speaker
And I do feel like families come first.
00:13:30
Speaker
I mean, even for my 40th, God, nearly two years ago now.
00:13:34
Speaker
But I flew I flew to Ireland to celebrate my 40th with my friends and family in Ireland.
00:13:38
Speaker
But I flew back.
00:13:40
Speaker
three days early because I had a big funeral that I had to come back to.
00:13:44
Speaker
And like that, yeah, it just comes first.
00:13:46
Speaker
It's like, no question, your family's first and you have to be there for these families.
00:13:50
Speaker
And even the first time I was coming home to Ireland post COVID, I postponed that trip because the family needed me, even though I needed my family.
00:13:59
Speaker
I think when you do have kids of your own, that just completely changes.
00:14:03
Speaker
And because we see how many regrets I think people have at the end of life that we like, I mean, kind of my fourth book is writing about this where it's like, I genuinely believe if we realize...
00:14:19
Speaker
If we get hit on the head and realize that life is finite, guys, it is for every one of us.
00:14:24
Speaker
Doesn't matter how much money you've got in the bank.
00:14:25
Speaker
It's finite.
00:14:26
Speaker
There's only so much time we have.
00:14:28
Speaker
We will live and love more.
00:14:30
Speaker
And that's it.
00:14:31
Speaker
It's being there like for your family.
00:14:33
Speaker
Like I'll fly home to Ireland in a heartbeat to surprise my parents just because I know time is limited with them.
00:14:39
Speaker
And I feel like so many people don't see that because they're not working in life and death.
00:14:44
Speaker
It's.
00:14:44
Speaker
Mm hmm.
00:14:45
Speaker
Yeah, it's just it's amazing.
00:14:47
Speaker
And I think you're so right.
00:14:50
Speaker
However, that does lead there to be a little bit of an issue in obviously recruitment in the space because we want more women in the space.
00:14:57
Speaker
There are more women coming into the space, but like that, like as they have kids.
00:15:03
Speaker
And I do think even though it's tradition, I do think as much as women and I know most of my friends went back to work.
00:15:10
Speaker
There is still that pull of being at home.
00:15:14
Speaker
Like, what do you think the future holds
Women in the Funeral Industry
00:15:16
Speaker
for the space?
00:15:16
Speaker
Like the business?
00:15:17
Speaker
Do you think it's just I know.
00:15:20
Speaker
I mean, honestly, I truly thought that I had conversations with my husband and I thought I was going to pop out my kid and he was going to be home and I was go back to work because that was just how much I loved my job.
00:15:32
Speaker
So I'm not saying that every woman who's having a kid who is a funeral director is going to feel the way that I feel.
00:15:37
Speaker
And there's nothing wrong if you are your desire to serve other people pulls you away from your kids.
00:15:42
Speaker
I think that everybody has different circumstances and there's different joys that get brought to us in this life.
00:15:49
Speaker
And I I know it's bad to say, but I get joy from being a funeral director.
00:15:53
Speaker
I know people are like, how can't.
00:15:54
Speaker
Can you say that?
00:15:55
Speaker
Because it's such a sad time.
00:15:56
Speaker
But I think that being able to do something for somebody who can't do it for themselves is very fulfilling.
00:16:02
Speaker
And I think that there are options for people to be funeral directors and mothers.
00:16:08
Speaker
I have a colleague who I work with right now.
00:16:11
Speaker
She's also a mom.
00:16:12
Speaker
She has two kids of her own.
00:16:13
Speaker
And she always says that her dream job, she's kind of
00:16:18
Speaker
putting out there is she would love to just do removals at night, like from, you know, six o'clock until, you know, the next morning, go home, get her kids on the bus to go to school, sleep a little bit during the day.
00:16:33
Speaker
And then she's there when they get off the bus from school.
00:16:36
Speaker
able to have dinner with them and kind of get them situated and then do removals again.
00:16:40
Speaker
There are so many different avenues in the funeral industry that I really think it does open a lot of doors for people to choose because you don't have to do it all.
00:16:50
Speaker
In the state of New York, I have a dual license, so I can legally embalm, make arrangements, lead funerals, basically A to Z. Or at the funeral home where I work now, I basically am the arranger.
00:17:02
Speaker
So I
00:17:03
Speaker
I am the one who is walking the family through the process, setting up everything, making sure it's all organized.
00:17:08
Speaker
But then I have colleagues who are doing the actual preparation work.
00:17:12
Speaker
So we kind of work in a team setting.
00:17:14
Speaker
And I just think that if people explore, they would be surprised at how many different avenues they could go down to be in the death and dying field.
00:17:25
Speaker
And it's interesting because I only just had a wonderful woman recently on the podcast, Heather from Before the Coffin.
00:17:34
Speaker
Do you know Heather?
00:17:35
Speaker
You know what?
00:17:35
Speaker
I have been offline for so long.
00:17:37
Speaker
I don't know anybody now.
00:17:38
Speaker
It's also it's OK because I also feel like there's somebody who was in the space and there's a lot of similar names that even I get a little.
00:17:45
Speaker
Heather and me were just chatting about how she went into transplant surgery.
00:17:50
Speaker
removal and transportation of, I just, I was blown away.
00:17:54
Speaker
I was like, I never even knew that that was a part of like what you guys do.
00:17:57
Speaker
So there's so many facets to it, exactly as you said.
00:18:00
Speaker
And while I think, you know, there is this sort of recruitment freeze or I forget what they're, they have a term for it now where everyone's panicking that, you know, they're not gonna be able to recruit enough.
00:18:09
Speaker
I feel like exactly as you kind of just said, that it's more that we need as an industry, and I know they hate that word as a profession, whatever way we want to call it, you know, if we would just stand back and look at it from other industry perspectives, right, and not look at it as the way it's always been.
00:18:25
Speaker
Like I keep saying this, just because it's the way it's always been done doesn't mean it's the way it always has to be in the future.
00:18:31
Speaker
And I went to a funeral home out in Long Island.
00:18:34
Speaker
And there I think was late last summer, late last year.
00:18:37
Speaker
And there were I met these two incredible women who just happened to be there at the same time.
00:18:42
Speaker
But like that, they're job sharing effectively at this funeral home.
00:18:45
Speaker
But they both work part time so they can be with their kids.
00:18:48
Speaker
And that time, but that they have they still have the job that they love.
00:18:52
Speaker
And so it's basically like almost like a relay race, like they hand them like I've taken the family this far.
00:18:57
Speaker
Now you're going to have Mary will call her who takes you the rest of the way through.
00:19:01
Speaker
So like one would do three days a week, one week and the other does four.
00:19:05
Speaker
And then they flip the next week.
00:19:07
Speaker
And I just thought that is brilliant because you also by doing that, you are allowing people to have the freedom of being with their children.
00:19:15
Speaker
Or not.
00:19:16
Speaker
It doesn't have to be for moms.
00:19:17
Speaker
It's all applied to dads or whoever else.
00:19:20
Speaker
And just people in general.
00:19:22
Speaker
But it also gives them, there's also less chance of burnout.
00:19:25
Speaker
Because you've just got, you've got enough time.
00:19:28
Speaker
And I want to come back to it.
00:19:29
Speaker
Because you just hit such a valid point at the start.
00:19:33
Speaker
Is mental health in the space.
00:19:34
Speaker
You know, burnout.
00:19:36
Speaker
I've seen so many funeral directors burn out in this space.
00:19:39
Speaker
And wonderful ones like yourself.
00:19:42
Speaker
Who give so much and care so much.
00:19:44
Speaker
But because they don't get enough downtime or self-care time, because it's a very giving space.
00:19:50
Speaker
I mean, you know, you hit the nail on the head, which I personally believe as well, is that you said, you know, people look at you odd and how can you love being a funeral director or get some joy of it?
00:20:00
Speaker
And I absolutely agree.
00:20:01
Speaker
And people will say to me, but Jen, you know, you suit...
00:20:05
Speaker
Another space.
00:20:05
Speaker
I mean, I'm a memorial planner, not a funeral director, per se, but, you know, they're like, oh, you're so happy and cheerful all the time.
00:20:11
Speaker
You know, you suited party planning better.
00:20:13
Speaker
And I'm like, but I get so much love and joy and fulfillment from what I do.
00:20:18
Speaker
Each family that comes in, I know that without me, this road would have been gone.
00:20:25
Speaker
With me holding their hand, it's a little bit easier.
00:20:28
Speaker
And I can sleep at night knowing I gave that family all that I could in whatever way I could and made that road just that little bit more comfortable for them.
00:20:39
Speaker
It's just we need to start looking at the space from a different point of view.
00:20:42
Speaker
And I think more part-time moms, part-time dads, just, yeah, we need to fill our cups up in whatever way we can.
00:20:50
Speaker
Now, how do you, other than your kids, how, if you do, fill your cup up in terms of looking after yourself?
00:20:58
Speaker
Because it is tough, especially when, and I'm sure as a mom, if you've got like child deaths and, you know, the spousals, it can be tough.
00:21:08
Speaker
It hits home.
00:21:09
Speaker
It definitely is.
00:21:10
Speaker
It definitely is.
00:21:11
Speaker
And it's so funny because the older I get and the more family members that I've lost, I'm able to like identify with a lot of the families that I'm serving so much more.
00:21:19
Speaker
Like when I was 20 years old, everybody that I served realistically was old.
00:21:24
Speaker
You know, if they were 40, that's old.
00:21:26
Speaker
If they're 50, 60, 70, you know, that's old when you're 20.
00:21:29
Speaker
Yeah, no, I remember this year.
00:21:33
Speaker
I'm like, oh, my God, I remember looking at people in their late 30s and thinking they were ancient.
00:21:39
Speaker
It's so true.
00:21:41
Speaker
And I'm 34.
00:21:42
Speaker
And it's like, you know, as I get older, I'll get I'll get somebody who passed away and I'll be like, what's the birthday?
00:21:48
Speaker
Oh, my gosh, that's like me.
00:21:49
Speaker
And it's so funny because I'm like, identify people.
00:21:52
Speaker
the older you get, the more life you live, the more you see and do.
00:21:56
Speaker
I think it makes you a better funeral director because you're you just have so much more under you that you can stand on.
Personal Loss and Empathy in Work
00:22:03
Speaker
And I think that people feel comfortable knowing that they're not in the boat alone.
00:22:08
Speaker
So going through, you know, I've lost
00:22:11
Speaker
Now, my grandmother, who was like one of the most important people in my life, I've lost aunts, uncles.
00:22:16
Speaker
I mean, I've lost so many people within the last 14 years that I have taken care of.
00:22:20
Speaker
So that helps me identify with families more.
00:22:23
Speaker
And when I do identify and when those deaths
00:22:26
Speaker
do hit home more so they're just tough days you know I'm I'm I'm very I feel things very deeply and I tried not to for a long time but it's just it is who I am so on those days I I have a very supportive husband like I have the best husband in the entire world um he knows like if I'm in a mood I'm just gonna leave her alone and she's just gonna be in the mood and it's fine and honey do you need anything okay nope I'm just gonna go over here you know like we
00:22:55
Speaker
We've been together.
00:22:55
Speaker
My husband and I have been together since we were 15.
00:22:58
Speaker
And we're 34 now.
00:22:59
Speaker
And I just really like doing things with my family.
00:23:03
Speaker
I said at the beginning, we live out in the country.
00:23:06
Speaker
We have 11 acres.
00:23:08
Speaker
So I like just being outside.
00:23:10
Speaker
I like hanging with my chickens.
00:23:11
Speaker
Like, it's kind of the simple stuff.
00:23:14
Speaker
You're the best.
00:23:15
Speaker
I'm pro-chicken.
00:23:16
Speaker
I will talk anybody into getting chickens.
00:23:18
Speaker
I will talk chickens.
00:23:19
Speaker
The whole thing would work in an apartment in New York City, though.
00:23:22
Speaker
You'd be surprised.
00:23:23
Speaker
We could make a little coop.
00:23:25
Speaker
They don't need a lot of space.
00:23:29
Speaker
But it's kind of like the little things, you know, like I have found that it's like the everyday mundane that kind of gets me through hard times.
00:23:38
Speaker
I also now because I'm not really writing as much as I used to, and that really was like a journal for me.
00:23:44
Speaker
I talk about it.
00:23:45
Speaker
You know, if I'm having a bad day, I'll be like, OK, honey, sit down because I just got to tell you what I went through.
00:23:49
Speaker
Or I'll be sitting down with a coworker in the other day and be like, I just have to tell you about this family that I dealt with.
00:23:54
Speaker
And I just have to get things off my chest.
00:23:56
Speaker
I'm that kind of a person where I just need to like have that like verbal throw up where I'm just getting everything out.
00:24:02
Speaker
And then I and then I feel better.
00:24:04
Speaker
I heard that from a therapist that that is actually a thing that a lot of sort of feminines, feminine brain want to do or need to do.
00:24:13
Speaker
And it was, you know, it was kind of talking about sort of male versus the female brain.
00:24:19
Speaker
And it was how it was basically how we need to nearly say to set it up, right?
00:24:23
Speaker
Be like, I don't need your advice.
00:24:25
Speaker
I don't need you to say anything.
00:24:26
Speaker
I just need to open you to open a bucket so I can pour this into you.
00:24:31
Speaker
And then we move on.
00:24:32
Speaker
And so clearly.
00:24:33
Speaker
Yeah.
00:24:34
Speaker
And it works for me.
00:24:35
Speaker
So I do that a lot.
00:24:38
Speaker
And I also do.
00:24:40
Speaker
I mean, I'm not active.
00:24:41
Speaker
I always say I do not physical activity, but I do do like an adult ballet class like once every two weeks.
00:24:47
Speaker
And I have like a good group of girlfriends who go to that, too.
00:24:50
Speaker
So like that's one thing that I do for me.
00:24:52
Speaker
You know, it's adult ballet, so it's not it's like glorified stretching, really.
00:24:57
Speaker
Like, you know, we're not really doing.
00:24:59
Speaker
I mean, we're moving, but we're not doing much.
00:25:01
Speaker
We're trying, but we're not.
00:25:03
Speaker
And it's kind of fun because it's like an hour and a half.
00:25:06
Speaker
And I'm just with like a really good group of girlfriends that I've known for like quite some time.
00:25:10
Speaker
And we're doing something physical, physical enough for me, you know.
00:25:14
Speaker
Yeah.
00:25:15
Speaker
So I don't know.
00:25:16
Speaker
I just think that I think having a good partner is important.
00:25:20
Speaker
I'm somebody who I need support.
00:25:21
Speaker
So I definitely married the right person.
00:25:24
Speaker
And that just that gets me through it.
00:25:26
Speaker
And it's so to and to kind of touch on what you were talking about at the start, because like you and I'm so proud of you, if I get to be as a stranger for taking the time, you know, to step away from all the online stuff when you had your your child and
00:25:42
Speaker
Because like Caleb Wilde, who's funeral director, you know, he's done similar and he's gone so far as to pull back.
00:25:49
Speaker
But now is kind of coming back and helping other funeral professionals and coping them on mental health.
Mental Health in the Funeral Industry
00:25:58
Speaker
Yeah, I do that too.
00:26:00
Speaker
Yeah, it's brilliant to see.
00:26:02
Speaker
And I mean, listen, I'm not a therapist by any shape of the imagination.
00:26:07
Speaker
I do feel like everyone in the funeral space is a teeny bit of a therapist because, you know, it's what you kind of have to do.
00:26:12
Speaker
You absorb people's, you're empath, pathetic, you know, you absorb people's emotions and, you know, you help them kind of through things.
00:26:19
Speaker
And I've been asked to speak on mental health a couple of times.
00:26:21
Speaker
And I think it's
00:26:22
Speaker
I mean, and I'm always very clear that I have no license to do this, you know, and I'm not a therapist or anything like that.
00:26:28
Speaker
But I think it's more I like to facilitate conversations and I feel like there's no right or wrong.
00:26:33
Speaker
Everyone can come to the table with whatever, you know, they feel like is appropriate for them to get through whatever it is, you know, and I've been through my own dips and stuff.
00:26:41
Speaker
What I love about Caleb and you honestly talking with us here.
00:26:46
Speaker
is that you're so open and honest about your struggles and what you need to move forward.
00:26:52
Speaker
I feel like maybe because it was quite a male dominated space for so long and more women are coming up in it.
00:26:58
Speaker
But like we're talking about this now, like mental health funeral space.
00:27:02
Speaker
is becoming a huge thing.
00:27:03
Speaker
Myself and Barbara Chemist from Cana had a whole podcast chatting about this as well.
00:27:08
Speaker
Funeral peer support are providing that service to funeral directors if they need it.
00:27:14
Speaker
And now Caleb is coaching it.
00:27:17
Speaker
It's very interesting.
00:27:18
Speaker
I feel like it's only going to get more and more
00:27:21
Speaker
So I think that's like kind of the difference.
00:27:24
Speaker
I don't know.
00:27:25
Speaker
So back when I started everything, there was no like Instagram famous, like influencers, you know, these people like truly it was like kind of the beginning of everything that is happening now.
00:27:39
Speaker
And every once in a while when I log on to my Instagram and I'm kind of scrolling, I'm like, holy cow, there are so many people out there and I never did anything like
00:27:47
Speaker
to become an influencer or a funeral guru or to like become a face of like an industry or anything like I truly look at myself as just like a normal woman who is doing a not so normal job and I am very confident in who I am I have always been very confident in who I was even as a young girl I was never ashamed of me I'm always just like this I am who I am and you like me or you don't like me but you're gonna know what I think um because I'm gonna tell you what I think yeah
00:28:16
Speaker
And take it however you will.
00:28:18
Speaker
Yeah.
00:28:18
Speaker
So that's I think the difference between like today and back then, it's like like I identify with Caleb so much.
00:28:24
Speaker
Like when he was writing, like I came from a small town mom and pop funeral home.
00:28:28
Speaker
He obviously had his family funeral home and with his books and his writing and everything.
00:28:33
Speaker
I met him in person.
00:28:34
Speaker
He's a wonderful man.
00:28:35
Speaker
Everything he's gone through, I'm like, did we work at the same funeral home?
00:28:38
Speaker
Did we go through the same things?
00:28:39
Speaker
Because I think that this industry is kind of like glorified, like, oh, it's the death care industry.
00:28:44
Speaker
It's cool.
00:28:45
Speaker
It's up and coming.
00:28:45
Speaker
There are so many things that you can do, but there's such a dark side to what we do.
00:28:49
Speaker
And that's what you take home with you.
00:28:50
Speaker
And I think that's what people aren't showing on social media.
00:28:54
Speaker
They're showing the look at this casket.
00:28:56
Speaker
Look at this embalming.
00:28:57
Speaker
Look at this, this.
00:28:57
Speaker
And it's so shiny.
00:28:58
Speaker
And what we do is so cool.
00:28:59
Speaker
And we should share it with everybody.
00:29:02
Speaker
Which is great because it's getting people interested in it.
00:29:05
Speaker
And we want the interest and we want the curtain pulled back because what we do shouldn't be a taboo subject.
00:29:11
Speaker
But I think that it's important to be honest with people and to be like, listen, this is a really great profession, but it's also a really heavy profession.
00:29:18
Speaker
That's one of the reasons I've never been afraid to share what I feel or what I'm going through, because it's my truth and it's what I am going through.
00:29:27
Speaker
And I'm not ashamed of that.
00:29:28
Speaker
But also, I think that people need to be aware that this industry gives.
00:29:33
Speaker
Yeah, it's so that's such a good point, because there is there is a little bit of it becoming a bit of an at the fact that we're even talking about influencers in the space is why.
00:29:43
Speaker
So weird.
00:29:45
Speaker
2024.
00:29:47
Speaker
What is happening?
00:29:48
Speaker
Because it's a tough one, because exactly as you said, we want you want attention to it.
00:29:53
Speaker
You want people to know life is finite and, you know, think about their plans.
00:29:58
Speaker
Maybe, you know, do a bit of pre-planning, do on burial cremation or other things.
00:30:02
Speaker
Do you want, you know, what, what do you want for your end of life?
00:30:06
Speaker
And what does that look like?
00:30:07
Speaker
And then there's all these, you know, new occupations coming up and new technology.
00:30:11
Speaker
Like you've, I don't know how many death doulas, you know, I come across.
00:30:14
Speaker
The celebrant role is obviously becoming huge.
00:30:17
Speaker
And then, you know, technology.
00:30:19
Speaker
I mean, if I get another call, which listen, I'm open for them, but.
00:30:24
Speaker
you know these kids coming out of college wanting advice because they're going to disrupt the death care industry with their new app that's going to gamify pre-planning and I'm like okay it's not really going to you know because they see these death fluencers or whatever they're called whatever way it is
00:30:39
Speaker
And look, I'm I'm so here for opening the conversation.
00:30:42
Speaker
I wouldn't be doing this podcast.
00:30:44
Speaker
And so many people have even said to me, like about why I'm doing podcasts.
00:30:47
Speaker
I do it honestly as a total burden of love or whatever the word is, because I love talking to people like you.
00:30:52
Speaker
Like I love having these fascinating conversations.
00:30:55
Speaker
And sometimes it's offloading where we're like, oh, me too.
00:30:58
Speaker
Me too.
00:31:00
Speaker
Or, you know, sometimes it's finding out about some amazing product or service that I never knew was was around.
00:31:06
Speaker
But exactly as you said, there is such a dark side to the space that we don't show.
00:31:10
Speaker
And, you know, do I think I'm going to start recording those times where I break down crying because I've just done a service that I kind of couldn't hold it.
00:31:19
Speaker
I could hold it together until I was on my own.
00:31:22
Speaker
And am I going to show me sobbing outside of?
00:31:24
Speaker
No, probably not.
00:31:25
Speaker
You know, because I don't know if we need that either, because I do think there's a little bit of acting in that, too.
00:31:30
Speaker
You know, but it's.
00:31:32
Speaker
It is.
00:31:32
Speaker
It's addressing all facets of it, because even like a lot of people, I don't know about you, but for me, a lot of people will say, oh, God, you know, a young person's funeral or suicide, it must be so hard.
00:31:46
Speaker
And I'm like, yeah, it is really hard.
00:31:48
Speaker
But sometimes the older people affect me more because all of a sudden I'm seeing like I obviously live in New York.
00:31:55
Speaker
My parents live at home in Ireland.
00:31:56
Speaker
And so I'm sort of like, oh, my God, you know, I'm resonating with that could be my mom.
00:32:02
Speaker
And even though obviously because I'm in the space, I've thought about it.
00:32:05
Speaker
But all of a sudden it hits me just because you're seeing these wonderful people talking about their mom and how great she was.
00:32:11
Speaker
And then you are just and that's it.
00:32:13
Speaker
That's all that it is.
00:32:14
Speaker
And that can then.
00:32:15
Speaker
take you into a spiral where you're just, you know, you start to overthink everything.
00:32:19
Speaker
And from a funeral director point of view, and when it comes down to, not necessarily even embalming, but preparation of the body, which obviously I'm not licensed to do, but I know from talking to funeral directors, like there are some states that bodies get into that...
00:32:34
Speaker
I have seen quite a few, you know, and in those situations, you almost disassociate the fact like I have been in some really traumatic passing, some really horrible, like painful deaths that the person must have experienced.
00:32:49
Speaker
And I feel bad.
00:32:49
Speaker
bad saying this, but I almost in the situations when I was working on the body or doing cosmetics or doing dressing, casking, whatever it may have been.
00:32:56
Speaker
I don't think of it as a person.
00:32:57
Speaker
I think of it as I need to do this job right now.
00:33:00
Speaker
And this job is me putting this pair of pants here or putting this makeup here and putting the shoe here.
00:33:05
Speaker
Like I'm not thinking to myself, this is somebody's mom.
00:33:07
Speaker
This is somebody's dad.
00:33:09
Speaker
Because if I put that humanity to it, I won't be able to do
Coping Strategies for Funeral Directors
00:33:12
Speaker
it.
00:33:12
Speaker
And it's not that I'm trying to be heartless, but it's kind of a coping mechanism of something I need to do to be able to do the job so that I can help a grieving family.
00:33:21
Speaker
Yeah.
00:33:21
Speaker
Yeah.
00:33:22
Speaker
It's such an incredible service.
00:33:23
Speaker
Honestly, you guys do.
00:33:25
Speaker
And my house literally is off.
00:33:28
Speaker
I literally have one here.
00:33:29
Speaker
I can do it.
00:33:31
Speaker
And it.
00:33:32
Speaker
Like during COVID, it broke my heart, even though I'm not a funeral director, but it broke my heart.
00:33:38
Speaker
And again, I am lucky insofar as a lot of normal people, because we're not normal, a lot of normal people follow me and engage with me in conversation and listen to the podcast and stuff.
00:33:50
Speaker
It broke my heart during COVID when funeral directors and everyone in the funeral space got just so blatantly ignored by all of the, you know, the first responders were doing all of this and getting all these freebies and all of this amazing stuff.
00:34:03
Speaker
And absolutely, should they have?
00:34:04
Speaker
Yes.
00:34:05
Speaker
And, you know, they were saving lives.
00:34:06
Speaker
But at the end of the day, I know funeral directors were working 24-7 because bodies, especially in New York, were just piling up.
Funeral Industry During COVID-19
00:34:13
Speaker
Just craziness.
00:34:15
Speaker
So, yeah, listen, my hat is firmly off to you.
00:34:19
Speaker
And I'm in the Western New York area, so I'm on the opposite end of the state as you are.
00:34:22
Speaker
But I had colleagues of mine who were leaving and going to the city.
00:34:26
Speaker
during COVID because there was just such a demand for licenses and general directors to help.
00:34:31
Speaker
So that was a really difficult time to work.
00:34:36
Speaker
Absolutely.
00:34:37
Speaker
And it was one actually was one of the times where I was kind of upset that I wasn't licensed, that I couldn't help in any way, shape or form.
Conclusion and Gratitude
00:34:46
Speaker
So Lauren, it has been amazing talking to you.
00:34:50
Speaker
We could I could obviously talk to you all night.
00:34:52
Speaker
I feel like we might want to since you're one of the few guests that is in the state, I might have to visit out to you and we just might have to hang out a little bit more because I can talk to you all day and all night.
00:35:03
Speaker
And I just think you've got such a wonderful attitude.
00:35:06
Speaker
You've had such wonderful forethought being so young in like getting this word out.
00:35:11
Speaker
And I know you didn't think it at the time.
00:35:13
Speaker
And I totally everything you said just resonates with me.
00:35:16
Speaker
Like I started with a blog and I hated this on camera business.
00:35:20
Speaker
You know, now I don't mind so much because when I'm talking to people, I forget about myself.
00:35:24
Speaker
So thank you for doing it, though, because you started what now we're seeing as people having conversations that they maybe never would have.
00:35:32
Speaker
And it is thanks to you and Caleb and the like.
00:35:34
Speaker
So and I'm just I'm so happy that you've got such a lovely balance and such beautiful support at home and with your husband and stuff.
00:35:41
Speaker
So thank you for joining us.
00:35:43
Speaker
Oh, thank you so much for having me.
00:35:48
Speaker
you