Transcript
Speaker: Hey moms, it's Laura Olinger.
Speaker: Welcome to the Positively Healthy Mom podcast.
Speaker: Because there's no manual for the hardest job in the world.
Speaker: Hello and welcome Positively Healthy Moms.
Speaker: Welcome to my show, the Positively Healthy Mom.
Speaker: Today I am welcoming my guest, Barbara Achilles Minardi.
Speaker: So Barbara, say hello to the Positively Healthy Moms.
Speaker: Hello, Positively Healthy Moms.
Speaker: I'm happy to be here.
Speaker: Thank you for having me.
Speaker: Absolutely.
Speaker: So let's introduce you, who you are, what you do, why you're here.
Speaker: So I brought you on today because I was so intrigued.
Speaker: You and I kind of started following each other on social media a while back.
Speaker: I don't know how the connection happened, but it just did.
Speaker: And I've been so impressed with your work.
Speaker: So what stood out to me was you offer workshops and classes for really kids of all ages, but you can kind of clarify that.
Speaker: And so tell us like what...
Speaker: What is your focus?
Speaker: Well, I have a children's program called Reach ATX.
Speaker: And it was founded in late 2022.
Speaker: And it's a children's program that focuses primarily on character education, modern manners, and leadership developments.
Speaker: And I work with kids, like you said, from six to 16, primarily.
Speaker: And I have the privilege to be able to go to all these wonderful community organizations and talk to different scout troops and sports teams.
Speaker: I have enrichment programs in a few of the school districts here in Central Texas.
Speaker: And I basically create and host these workshops designed to help children, then giving them life skills that I think will help, you know,
Speaker: give them a leg up as they age, help them socially, academically, and hopefully one day professionally.
Speaker: That's amazing.
Speaker: And so why don't you tell us like what, in your opinion, is the importance of learning these character strengths?
Speaker: And also maybe you could tag onto that in the conjunction.
Speaker: What about the modern manners?
Speaker: Is that kind of the same thing or is that a separate thing?
Speaker: Well, our character education, character is who we are at our core, right?
Speaker: It defines the actions we take, the behaviors we have, how we feel about ourselves, how we react and engage in the world.
Speaker: And it's the foundation of who we are.
Speaker: So to not focus on it, I think, is troubling.
Speaker: That's why I want to focus on it.
Speaker: I want to have an intention to focus on these topics.
Speaker: And then it ties in with modern manners because
Speaker: to be honest, when I first started doing this, I didn't think that manners really had a place today in a contemporary society.
Speaker: But it does.
Speaker: It's so much does.
Speaker: And the more I do this, the more I realize just how relevant it is, especially since so much of our engagement and the way we communicate with each other is on online or, you know, via email or text.
Speaker: So when we have the opportunity to meet in person and engage with each other in person and one-on-one, you need to know how to have those soft skills to
Speaker: to build the relationships and have the best experience you can.
Speaker: And so, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, that's the way you're phrasing that sounds good because, you know, I think what pops into people's heads when they hear manners is like etiquette.
Speaker: And like etiquette is this like lost art.
Speaker: And it reminds us of like, you know, the 1800s and, you know, just being so civil and so polite.
Speaker: And our culture has really changed.
Speaker: I mean, I know in my lifetime, my mom always taught me to write handwritten thank you notes.
Speaker: So that's a value of hers in our family.
Speaker: And I try really hard to still do it, but I just so prefer to just write a text, you know, thank you for the one.
Speaker: And that's okay.
Speaker: Not the type of thing that part of what you're talking about, just like, you know, a little bit.
Speaker: Well, our behaviors change over time, right?
Speaker: They're fluid.
Speaker: They change like communication changes.
Speaker: So they are linked.
Speaker: changes, the way we interact with each other changes.
Speaker: And now that we have technology at our disposal, I don't think there's anything wrong with, you know, sending a text, sending a video message.
Speaker: The manners, you know, that the aristocrats put out, you know, hundreds of years ago certainly have changed, but they're still necessary.
Speaker: They're still necessary to show, you know, that we have respect for one another, that we are appreciative of one another, our gratitude.
Speaker: those regardless of the time is always going to be always going to be a necessity for us to engage with each other in a civil manner.
Speaker: So those, they, they, they're still relevant.
Speaker: The reasons behind them might've changed or the way that we do them might've changed, but they're definitely still relevant.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And that's part of actually in my signature workshop that I give one of the words, the terms that I kind of bring about to parents is I talk about the dehumanization of our culture and
Speaker: And that, you know, people are learning to treat each other as a little bit like less than human.
Speaker: We have kind of evolved.
Speaker: And so I kind of explained this process of we're going, you know, the standards of our culture, kind of like what you're talking about, are moving goalposts over time.
Speaker: So what was once appropriate in the 1920s, as far as what we would wear to the beach or a pool, is now completely different, right?
Speaker: That has shifted.
Speaker: And so sometimes like our culture shifts so quickly that humans can't really keep up with the way it shifted.
Speaker: So then all of a sudden we're acting a little bit, you know,
Speaker: just less than we probably ideally would want to be, you know, because at the end of the day, it's all about human connection, right?
Speaker: That's all what it's about.
Speaker: Somehow like the phones and teenagers and technology, that's kind of one of my specialties is they're not really learning that well, they don't have the knowledge and
Speaker: to really understand that when they cyber bully somebody or embarrass somebody with a picture or when things go viral, that that is really treating each other as though we are less than human, that dehumanization aspect.
Speaker: So it's interesting, you know, our two worlds kind of intersect in that way, where you're really bringing about, you know, this knowledge to kids about how to treat each other and
Speaker: civilly, how to give respect, how to treat them well.
Speaker: And so can you talk a little bit more about the character strengths that you teach about?
Speaker: Well, I try and teach about as many as possible.
Speaker: Primarily, some of my most important or my more popular workshops deal with loyalty and honesty and friendship.
Speaker: I have another workshop that deals with gossip called Loose Lips Sink Ships and how
Speaker: gossip and is, you know, harmful for friendships, yet at the same time, we still need an opportunity to vent and the subtle differences between those two, those two topics.
Speaker: I have workshops, my modern manners workshops obviously are about showing respect and gratitude and appreciation.
Speaker: I also talk about the power of words and how they have weight and the ability to kind of change our world, right?
Speaker: They shape who we are and the reality of what we do.
Speaker: And so I try and teach all of the character, you know, all of as many character strengths as possible, given the workshop.
Speaker: And then I also have a program called Super Leaders, which I have in the in the as an after school program.
Speaker: And for Super Leaders, I talk about a certain historical leader throughout the world in history.
Speaker: And we talk about and we deep dive into their character strengths, their traits, the things that have made them successful.
Speaker: And so it runs the gamut.
Speaker: I mean, from Florence Nightingale and her bravery and perseverance to grit and resilience are also a very big part of the workshops that I teach.
Speaker: So I really try and give as many opportunities to highlight and foster these strengths as possible.
Speaker: I love that.
Speaker: And oftentimes, with children, sometimes you start off with an idea and they take it somewhere else.
Speaker: And so I'm always trying to be open to where they're going and allowing them to kind of guide the discussion and, you know, teach them what they want to learn as well.
Speaker: And so what advice do you have for parents whose kids are not able because you able to attend your programs because you are locally based here in Austin, Texas?
Speaker: How can you help them?
Speaker: Because our listeners are literally worldwide.
Speaker: We have listeners in every country.
Speaker: And so what advice can you give them?
Speaker: it's the advice that you know parents know all the time that we are the greatest teachers you know our our children we model the behaviors for our children um and so in order for our children to become the type of people we want them to be we need to be the type of people that they need to be you know we need to be the change that they see um and so modeling the good behavior you know making sure in you know your everyday life when you're late to hdb or you're running to the to school that your behaviors are appropriate because your your children pick up on everything
Speaker: And in these, in these, you know, these moments where we're not really our best selves is when we kind of do the best, the most teaching to our children.
Speaker: So modeling good behavior, right, at all times, when we're frustrated, when we're angry, when we're, when we're exhausted, you know, not letting those times weaken us.
Speaker: And then, you know, just taking care of ourselves, you know, is the best thing for us to do, not only for ourselves, but so our children see that it's okay to take care of ourselves, that it's okay to,
Speaker: to put ourselves first and think of our own wellbeing as a way to be stronger for everybody.
Speaker: Absolutely.
Speaker: That's something that I talk about all the time because we as moms are pretty worn out.
Speaker: We're pretty tired.
Speaker: We're pretty stressed.
Speaker: It's hard.
Speaker: Yeah, it is hard.
Speaker: And so it's so important.
Speaker: I just actually had a mom at my workshop yesterday who says she works with teenagers all day at school, but then she's got her own teenagers at home.
Speaker: And she was trying to figure out how she could apply the tools that I had taught her when really she's so exhausted because she finds that her kids are
Speaker: her temper is just like shot at the end of the day.
Speaker: And so my advice to her was just to take five to 10 minutes in the car before she goes in her house.
Speaker: I said, they're hungry.
Speaker: They're waiting for you.
Speaker: They want dinner.
Speaker: They might need help with their homework, but just sit in your car for five to 10 minutes and just get emotionally regulated.
Speaker: Do some of the techniques I taught her, some breathing exercises, and then really to kind of empower herself through her identity.
Speaker: And so one thing I do teach with
Speaker: you know, we're going to short, short track this at the moment, but it's just all about who do you need to be at this moment in order to accomplish what you want.
Speaker: And so that really just gives yourself usually the energy to be like, I can tackle this part of my day.
Speaker: But the theme is that it's hard, like no matter what job we have, you know, we're still all moms and it is hard, even if you are
Speaker: the stay-at-home mom.
Speaker: And even if you have one child, that's still a lot, right?
Speaker: It's like, it doesn't kind of really matter necessarily the circumstances.
Speaker: What matters is that we're moms and that raising a child is hard no matter what.
Speaker: Well, I was a substitute teacher for a long time as well.
Speaker: So I know the feeling of coming home and being completely tired of being around kids.
Speaker: I know I get it.
Speaker: I've been there.
Speaker: And I would do the same thing.
Speaker: I would close myself in my bedroom for about five, 10 minutes, tell my kids not, you know, I can't be a mom right now.
Speaker: But I think what's important in addition to what you said is also telling the children why, like, it's not you, you know, it's not that I don't want to be a mom to you or
Speaker: or show you the attention that you deserve, right?
Speaker: Because even though you've been with children all day long, or the woman that you spoke to, they've missed you all day long.
Speaker: So you need to be respectful of their needs as well.
Speaker: And I think if the more open you are, and the more you communicate with your children about why I'm feeling this way, and why I need a moment, again, is not only good for you at the moment, but then it'll teach your children later on how to engage with their children and, you know, express their needs and their boundaries to other people.
Speaker: Mm hmm.
Speaker: I think that's awesome.
Speaker: And, and that's so important for you that you've talked about in the past is like the why with all your classes.
Speaker: So when you teach classes, you're explaining the kids why you're teaching them this.
Speaker: So do you have some examples of that?
Speaker: I know, right, the breaking bread program is something you give the why with you.
Speaker: Well, a lot of these, you know, and I was thinking the same thing growing up, that these were arbitrary rules, you know, designed by some board aristocrat to drive us crazy, right?
Speaker: To drive us mad, have all these rules to remember.
Speaker: But there's really significance and an origin that makes perfect sense behind all these things, all these rules, right?
Speaker: From basic hygiene rules to how to show appreciation.
Speaker: So the why is very, very important.
Speaker: I hear a lot of whys in my class.
Speaker: You know, the etiquette is there for varying reasons.
Speaker: When we understand our expectations and what's expected of us at a dinner or a party, when we know what to expect, we can spend the time and energy doing other things, more fun things, engaging with other people.
Speaker: We don't have to worry about, you know, which drink is mine or where do I put my napkin or all these things that are pretty frivolous in the moment.
Speaker: And we can focus on
Speaker: engaging with people and building relationships.
Speaker: But it's funny you mentioned about the why, because I've been working on a new workshop called Curious Courtesies.
Speaker: It's kind of a tongue twister for me.
Speaker: But it delves, it deep delves into the why and all of the kind of odd origins of these, you know, what we think are arbitrary rules, right?
Speaker: And the kind of funny and bizarre rules.
Speaker: origins of them.
Speaker: So one, for example, I think this is one of my favorite is why we cheers, you know, obviously, I'm not teaching the children to cheers, but why as adults do or do we have the tradition to cheers?
Speaker: And it's actually interesting, because back, you know, mold, you know, hundreds and hundreds of years ago, the royalty would have to be nervous about people poisoning their drinks.
Speaker: So as a way to kind of circumvent and
Speaker: And, you know, to make the royal family feel safer, everybody would pour a little bit of their drink into their neighbor's drink.
Speaker: And this, over the years, turned into everybody putting their drinks together and cheersing, right?
Speaker: Everybody sharing a little bit of their beverage to make it known that, you know, the drinks are okay.
Speaker: No one's going to get poisoned in this.
Speaker: So the whys are kind of funny, you know what I mean?
Speaker: And
Speaker: you don't really think about them until, you know, you at one of my classes and you're curious, why does this matter?
Speaker: So, yeah.
Speaker: And the why is important too, because children are more apt to take it in and memorize it and, and have it be a lifelong lesson when they understand the background to do it.
Speaker: Yeah, it puts it in context.
Speaker: It's not just some arbitrary thing.
Speaker: Yeah, it has a purpose.
Speaker: And even if the purpose is outdated, it's still tradition.
Speaker: And so kind of learning about that is really good.
Speaker: Yeah, it's interesting, right?
Speaker: Yeah, it is interesting.
Speaker: I think the why, quite honestly, is really just as important for the mom.
Speaker: So if we go back to the example of the mom being super stressed out,
Speaker: and you know she's just in survival mode so if we're talking to the moms right now that are in survival mode and then we're talking to them about learning character strengths and modern manners like for some people that might start to put them into a tailspin they're like oh my gosh like i can barely get food on the table so let's speak a little bit more to the importance of you know this kind of the concept of like an emotional intelligence versus the intellectual intelligence like we all know
Speaker: that we want our kids to make good grades in school and to try hard because we know that has a purpose, like that'll help us get a good job.
Speaker: But can you share your thoughts about like building up like that person, who they are on the inside in that emotional way?
Speaker: Again, it goes back to my theory about the parents being the best teachers.
Speaker: You have to model this behavior.
Speaker: If you're so stressed out, I mean, I get it.
Speaker: I've been there.
Speaker: I wish I had a magic solution to help the moms.
Speaker: But, you know, take a step back, you know, remember that you're your children's greatest teacher.
Speaker: And I think, you know, your children, again, pick up on every little thing, every little thing you're trying that you put out into the world.
Speaker: And so you had a guest on on your podcast recently who brought out the the oxygen mask analogy that commonly gets discussed when, you know, when you were stressed out and were frantic and were frustrated.
Speaker: you know, and we're trying to take care of so many things.
Speaker: Why it's so important to put the mask on us, right?
Speaker: Put the mask on us.
Speaker: And so we care of other people.
Speaker: But I also think it's important to put the mask on us first and to take care of us of ourselves first, because then the child might actually learn, Oh, you know what?
Speaker: Mom doesn't need to put the mask on me.
Speaker: I can put the mask on myself and then I can help mine.
Speaker: You know what I mean?
Speaker: I hope that makes sense.
Speaker: But I, again, it's the modeling.
Speaker: If you're not going to teach your children how to be a good, calm person,
Speaker: a child who is harmonious and is confident when you're not.
Speaker: And I wish I had a magic wand or a solution to help the moms de-stress.
Speaker: I'm also, you know, a mom always trying to de-stress myself.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: But just remembering that your children are seeing everything.
Speaker: They are taking everything.
Speaker: And that's my best advice.
Speaker: You know, if you're going to
Speaker: If you need a moment to yourself to act in a way to get your emotions out, do so where your children can't see you, you know, go to go to the bedroom, act out your frustrations and then come back out, you know?
Speaker: Mm hmm.
Speaker: And I'm thinking of, so I, when I teach, I talk about four different parenting styles.
Speaker: And so kind of like what I'm alluding to a little bit is maybe actually it could kind of fall under several different categories when I talked about the stressed out mom, because quite honestly, all parenting are stressed out moms, but I have, there's four quadrants, if you can imagine them.
Speaker: And
Speaker: um, the, the kind of axes on the horizontal basis is boundaries.
Speaker: So on this one side, it's very strong boundaries on this other side, it's very weak boundaries.
Speaker: Um, and then the, the top to bottom is, um, kind of lovingness or planning and the bottom is a little bit less caring.
Speaker: And so if you can imagine this, um, what happens is that that top left is the helicopter parent, where there are very, very loving,
Speaker: very, very nurturing, all these things, but yet they're not strong on the boundaries.
Speaker: And so, or there's also the other term that people use now, snowplow parenting, which is they're just paving the way to make life easy for their kids.
Speaker: They're so concerned with their child's happiness instead of having their child having to learn some struggles so that they're actually building their character, building their strength and building that grit and resilience.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: So I feel like that, you know, it is like a great kind of, you know, understanding for the parents to see that maybe they are actually, I don't want to use the word harming their children, but kind of doing their children a disservice by this helicopter parenting style.
Speaker: And then I'll go through the styles and then maybe you can comment on all of them.
Speaker: Then the bottom left con, sorry, quadrant is low boundaries, low caring, low
Speaker: Low nurturing.
Speaker: And that is the avoidant parent.
Speaker: So they're the ones that are kind of checked out.
Speaker: They're too busy, either they're too busy with work, they're too busy partying, they're too busy with something else in their life.
Speaker: That's a distraction from their child.
Speaker: Or they just have an ability to connect emotionally.
Speaker: Maybe they've had some trauma in the past, and they just struggle with interpersonal relationships.
Speaker: Bottom right is high boundaries, but low caring.
Speaker: And so they are like the military style parent.
Speaker: They are into control.
Speaker: They're into punishment.
Speaker: They are hardcore on rules, timeouts, taking away the phone, all sorts of things like that.
Speaker: And so, you know, we probably can have some issues there.
Speaker: And I'd love to get your feedback about that.
Speaker: And then the top parenting style, the authoritative style is what I'm talking about.
Speaker: style, which is strong on the caring and the nurturing and also strong on the boundaries.
Speaker: And so that kind of really makes me think about all the things that you're doing.
Speaker: So can you like maybe comment on those parenting styles and how it relates to what you're doing?
Speaker: The classes that I teach aren't, you know, going to change a child's life overnight.
Speaker: I'm simply planting a seed.
Speaker: I'm one of the many, hopefully things that are in a child's life to kind of support them and booster them up.
Speaker: But, you know, the parenting styles,
Speaker: That's all we know, right?
Speaker: We teach what we know.
Speaker: We don't consciously teach in a certain way.
Speaker: It's just the way we react.
Speaker: It's subconscious and it's like breathing and blinking.
Speaker: So I don't...
Speaker: I'm not the expert on parenting, unfortunately.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker: No, that's kind of my thing.
Speaker: So I kind of threw that on you, you know?
Speaker: But I thought it's kind of cool to just think about how our two worlds do intersect in that way because, you know, when you think about it, the authoritative parent, that healthy style is really the one that is probably modeling the best, you know, character strengths and the best manners for their parent or for their children.
Speaker: That doesn't mean the other parents aren't modeling it correctly.
Speaker: However, you know, if we're always trying to make things easy for our kids, then maybe we're not being the best role models, right?
Speaker: Like maybe we are bulldozing some people.
Speaker: Maybe we're the type that's like, well, I want to fight for my child.
Speaker: So I'm going to jump in line in front of this other parent.
Speaker: Or maybe I'm going to put this other kid, you know, kind of like being like a little bit aggressive or assertive for the sake of their child.
Speaker: But then the child's watching that.
Speaker: And so then they suddenly have this like entitled thing.
Speaker: They're like, oh, well, I'm more important than this other family because my mom had, right?
Speaker: And so, yeah, I mean, it can get really complex.
Speaker: We could get really, really, really deep into that.
Speaker: So let's, let's kind of stay focused on your lane.
Speaker: So yeah, again, talking about the why, the emotional intelligence.
Speaker: What about, you know, again, with the character strengths, I think what's cool is I know I use them to coach clients.
Speaker: So
Speaker: When I can help a client feel good about themselves, whether it's the parent or the child, right?
Speaker: Like I see this strength in you.
Speaker: How can we use that to kind of like achieve the goal that you want to achieve and kind of really build that up?
Speaker: And so I have a feeling that when you're working with your classes and your workshops, you know, you're kind of maybe asking them to like find what they like about themselves or like figure out what their strengths are.
Speaker: Absolutely.
Speaker: You help like elicit that out of them.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Well, I mean, and that comes, I've been doing a lot of research on the positive psychology and focusing on our strengths and not our weaknesses.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And that's exactly what I do.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: I think back in, you know, when, when we were younger, it was what was wrong with you.
Speaker: How can you fix what's wrong with you?
Speaker: Well, yeah.
Speaker: And then completely ignoring our strengths, the things that make us actually wonderful people.
Speaker: And so I do that.
Speaker: I try and focus on our strengths and allow those strengths to guide us on how to have proper behavior, make great choices, how to have, you know, make ethical decisions.
Speaker: And yeah, the strengths are everything.
Speaker: And knowing our strengths, knowing the type of person we are is important because then we can make better decisions.
Speaker: It also allows us to interact with other people better and understand other people also.
Speaker: Going back to the character strengths and the teaching of them and the intention of explaining what each one is to the children.
Speaker: Yes, they hear about them in the periphery or in different venues, but to have the intentional focus on them allows them to develop them themselves and see it in other people and recognize it in other people more.
Speaker: So I think it's important, again, the strengths, knowing yourself, having a real understanding of who you are at the core is very important.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I'm going to pause my conversation with Barbara Achilles Minardi.
Speaker: If you'd like to hear more, listen to the next episode.
