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069 - The Aggressive Play Paradox
18 Plays26 minutes ago
"We were either going to win the game or win the fight." - Anthony Mason
That's the crossroads every competitor faces. But here's the paradox: the aggression we think makes us tougher often makes us weaker. The intensity we believe gives us an edge can be the very thing that costs us the game—and something far more valuable.
In this episode we heat up one of sport's most misunderstood dynamics: the difference between coercive aggression and impactful assertiveness.
Most coaches tell athletes to "be more aggressive" or "you gotta want it more." But what if that language is leading us in the wrong direction? What if the fire we're trying to ignite is actually burning down the very character we're trying to build?
Here's what we'll unpack:
✅ The Three Types of Aggression – and why only one of them might be serving your performance
✅ Physical, Verbal, and Emotional Assertiveness – the skills that separate leaders from reactors
✅ The Response Ability Routine – a practical framework for mastering the space between stimulus and response
✅ Real Stories from the Trenches – including how one practice fight revealed everything about leadership and intent
This isn't about playing soft. It's about playing smart. It's about channeling intensity into impact, not destruction. Because the scoreboard will fade, but who you're becoming through sport? That's permanent.
The question isn't whether you compete hard. The question is: what kind of person are you becoming in the process?
Training - Old Bull Program - 7 Day Free Trial - https://bit.ly/old-bull-train
Education - Why They're Not Listening: Coaching the Modern Athlete - http://listen.captainsandcoaches.com
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Transcript
The Value of the Soul
00:00:00
Speaker
For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world forfeits his soul?
Introduction to Leadership in Sports
00:00:04
Speaker
Welcome to the Captain City Coaches podcast we explore the art and science of leadership through the lens of athletics and beyond. I'm your host Tex McQuilkin and today I'm gonna pose a question to you.
00:00:16
Speaker
What kind of person are you becoming through sport?
Aggression vs. Assertiveness: Definitions and Impact
00:00:21
Speaker
We're going to be speaking on aggression versus assertiveness for a fun conversation. And I want to start off with 90s basketball. I'm a 90s kid obsessed with NBA basketball during that time frame. It had a lot to do with the back-to-back championships from the Houston Rockets, 94-95, and that...
00:00:41
Speaker
and that that energy, that year from the city. So that's what sucked me into basketball. And Houston was in the West. I attended many games at the summit.
00:00:52
Speaker
And you're allowed one to East team. I don't make the rules up. So you're allowed to root for your home team if they're in East to West. And you're allowed a team in the opposite conference. much like many of the youth in the 90s, I chose the Charlotte Hornets.
00:01:07
Speaker
So followed the Hornets closely as I did the Houston Rockets.
Influences and Inspirations from the 90s NBA
00:01:11
Speaker
They had Bogues, Johnson, Morning, and eventually that trio left and they were all traded away. LJ was traded to New York Knicks, who had Pat Riley as the coach when the Houston Rockets beat them in seven.
00:01:25
Speaker
Taste it. And then Coming from New York down to Charlotte was a player named Anthony Mason. Number 14, this dude was epic.
00:01:35
Speaker
And man, I fell in love with his style, his gameplay. I had affinity for the number 14. That's the number I chose ah for college lacrosse. And man, I love the way he played.
00:01:48
Speaker
And it it it represented a mentality. He was a clean player. He was a leader on the team. He was point forward. If you recall back in the day, and man, that's a deep cut. Point forward.
00:02:00
Speaker
So he was a leader of the team. They trusted him to carry the ball down and make sure that the offense was running the plays. And there was a quote from ah from him about his style of play, and I want to read it to you.
00:02:14
Speaker
People confuse aggressiveness with bad attitude. It's all right to be aggressive. defended He defended his physical style of play returning from a suspension. This is from a New York Times article.
00:02:26
Speaker
And this quote underscored his belief that his assertive approach was beneficial to the team and not problematic. We currently see this in the game with players like draw Draymond Green, which is which is awesome.
00:02:39
Speaker
So they play assertively within the rules. They disrupt but they're still following a game plan.
Personal Stories: Assertive Play in Lacrosse
00:02:48
Speaker
They're leading with purpose.
00:02:50
Speaker
That is the the mentality and the style of play that I took into my lacrosse career, just a ah ah disruptor. I was ah on the defensive side of the ball. There's another quote from Anthony Mason I love that I've got to read you.
00:03:04
Speaker
we We were either going to win the game or win the fight. love the attitude that's when is he was on the knicks so winning success and status these these are are sometimes the ultimate goals of athletes but i want to focus on aggressiveness and assertiveness and then the lessons that we're reinforcing and teaching to ourselves that we're going to carry into the real world and I have a fun story that represents this duality of aggressiveness and assertiveness from my playing days.
00:03:39
Speaker
So my junior year, I was team captain at the time, and we were in season. We had a tough loss. There was a lull at practice, and coach called one of my teammates into his office.
00:03:50
Speaker
And in an attempt to to motivate the team, he put it on his player to help get us going. So bring us back together and find some common ground. And this was my roommate.
00:04:03
Speaker
So then he gave us pre-practice speech and we went out there. And of course, optimist, right? I ah helped affirm that lesson and lead us up. And also to try to get a spark for our team, coaches experimented with me on offense.
00:04:21
Speaker
Not a pretty sight. i i My brain just wasn't wired for that. a more read and react, and offense was initiate and disrupt the defense.
Deep Dive: Aggression and Assertiveness in Sports
00:04:31
Speaker
So needless to say, we went through whole practice.
00:04:36
Speaker
I was trying to learn what we're going to do, but then we went into the scrimmage. Now I'm on the offensive side of the ball versus the my lovely teammates in our core group. And again, i so freaking lost.
00:04:50
Speaker
Didn't understand what to do. Literally before every play asked to tell me exactly what to do. Went out there and did it. The challenge plays are continuous. So once I got to the one position they told me to go to, completely lost.
00:05:05
Speaker
So I decided to be assertive, be... ah be the help the team the best I could and so I just started getting chippy, setting picks and started talking trash basically to my teammates so was on the crease. Think about the paint in basketball, that's what the crease is for lacrosse.
00:05:24
Speaker
So if there was a defender coming by, ah just get in the way and give him some little love. Maybe a little lip but definitely a lot of physical love. So one of my teammates didn't like that.
00:05:37
Speaker
I set a hard pick, definitely a blind. ah He didn't see it coming. His teammates didn't do in him any justice, right? Telling him that this stout statue is about to set a pick.
00:05:51
Speaker
So boom, getting in the way of one of the twin towers and he lines up and just loses it. Takes his stick in the middle of practice, big baseball swing, hits me in the side of the head, and now it's on.
00:06:06
Speaker
So coach allowed us to go fist cuffs. Just the hilarity is his pregame speech to another teammate of mine, hey, you got to bring the guys together. We need some positive ah connection here. And 20 minutes later, there's a fist fight happening right there on the crease.
00:06:25
Speaker
And I'm not going to tell you who won the fight. It was definitely me Remember, lowest man wins, ah leverage in sport. But that's the classic example. I was being assertive. I didn't know what the hell I was doing.
00:06:39
Speaker
So I was just getting in the way and finding a way for my team to have success. My teammate, opposition in this case, he got aggressive.
00:06:50
Speaker
Effectively, my style of play got under his skin and he reacted aggressively and that cost his team and maybe his pride a little bit. So just a representation when I was going through some notes here that...
00:07:06
Speaker
that I love. So i want to highlight, because when teams are, the energy is low, what is the the coach default to do? Hey, we got to get aggressive. They got a spark. You want to create this energy that's not there because the the team is down, either down on themselves or the energy is low or it's a long season or we've been training all all year and here we are.
00:07:27
Speaker
So you want something to get aggressive. And I'm going to highlight different types of aggression which could get in the way, one, current moment in time for our team, and two, if they find success with this, then they're going to lean into that in the real world, which could potentially be harm. So going to set some boundaries here. First, aggression, behavior intended to harm another person who who wants to avoid that harm.
00:07:58
Speaker
Simple definition. It's not always physical. It can be psychological too. Aggression involves intent to harm. So intent is our key word here. Now assertiveness.
00:08:09
Speaker
It's playing hard, finishing through contact, and competing fiercely without crossing the line. Simply put, it's intent, purposeful action within the rules.
00:08:22
Speaker
So there are different types of aggression that I want you to be on the lookout for and be mindful if you're asking your team to do these things. The first is hostile. That's that reactive. That's my my teammate Kojo just lining up a freaking baseball bat against my face.
00:08:39
Speaker
So this type of hostile aggression, it's driven by anger or frustration. The primary goal is cars causing that harm or pain.
00:08:51
Speaker
The motivation is an emotional out outburst or retaliation. Second man always gets caught. We see this on even the highest level of professional athletes.
00:09:01
Speaker
Second man gets caught. They're reacting to And it's it's this outburst that leads to a penalty. and the the impact, it increases penalties, escalates conflict, and then erodes team trust.
00:09:16
Speaker
Certainly I've felt this as a coach when I know there's a temperamental kid. We're just waiting for that ticking time bomb. I need him out there because he's very aggressive, assertive player, and we're trying to claw back or we're trying to win or suffocate the team.
00:09:32
Speaker
I need him out there, but I'm rolling the dice. If there is a penalty, it could set us back. Um, Next one, this is instrumental aggression. This is what I listen for.
00:09:44
Speaker
So aggressive behavior intended to achieve a goal not out of anger but as a means to an end. So a competitive advantage. they're They're fouling from behind. These are cheap shots. It's intimidation. It's going to be that vocal part.
00:09:58
Speaker
And you're you're aiming to control scenarios so they lead to your specific outcome. um We see this in the NBA if there's a breakaway and there's an intentional push or foul ah from behind to stop something. That'd be it in example of instrumental aggression.
00:10:18
Speaker
Low blow within football. So now if you're just about to get to the the the quarterback or if you're a a lineman who knows this is going to be a tough assignment and you take the low shot just to to take them out potentially long term,
00:10:37
Speaker
that's an example of that instrumental aggression. It's not it's less reactive, it's more ah deliberate but strategic, and there's still intent to skirt the rules, to potentially do some harm there.
00:10:50
Speaker
So you're aiming to play or argue it's kept within the rules, but it's it it could lead to ah destructive outcome if it shifts. so how I would coach through that play to compete, not punish, encouraging them keep within the rules.
00:11:09
Speaker
Then we have a relational social aggression. So working with teenagers or college kids, you're going to see this all the time. um where players use words, gestures, or exclusion to hurt someone's reputation, confidence, or social standing.
00:11:28
Speaker
Motivation there is control, insecurity, or social dominance. If I'm starting to see that within my own team, it's only going to lead to fractures and ru ruptures on the field during the highest levels of stress and competition.
00:11:43
Speaker
So i'm I'm looking out for any clicks that are starting to form that are unhealthy or destructive. um Think about how that can carry over into the real world.
00:11:54
Speaker
ex exampleing Examples, gossiping, spreading rumors within your team, ah silent treatment treatment, exclusion from teammates, and then publicly mocking them. This could be on social media.
00:12:07
Speaker
It could be out in ah on campus somewhere, and there's there's other people that are not within our locker room that are hearing this speech. No bueno.
00:12:18
Speaker
So how I would aim to to combat that but impact to certainly damage team cohesion and trust long term how it aimed to combat that through coaching is is building each other up and then modeling how that they can build each other up and then almost forcing a rep telling them give their athlete a compliment or what do you like about them what did they do well last game or do you remember when they did this for you and give examples and have them say that and express gratitude or appreciation for their teammates.
00:12:53
Speaker
OK, so highlighted some different motivations, some different potential outcomes. And I encourage you think about your athletic career or coaching when you saw these things pop up and either they were not addressed or you address them.
00:13:09
Speaker
What was the outcome? Successful, not successful, and did there have any ripple effects for your team?
Coaching Techniques for Assertiveness
00:13:16
Speaker
Okay, um now I want to get into the the types of assertiveness. So giving you coaching examples of how I redirect aggression into assertiveness because I i want that energy. I want that intent energy.
00:13:28
Speaker
I want that impact, but I want to lead with purpose that's going to benefit not only the team, but also their character and who they become after sport. And helping them lead, if they do see aggressiveness in the workspace, they're able to stand up against it versus almost being a part of it by not saying anything.
00:13:52
Speaker
Okay, so ah types of assertiveness that I want to highlight and reward if I see it, the it's emotional control, it's confidence, and it's commitment to our team, never hostility.
00:14:07
Speaker
So three main types. Number one, physical assertiveness. So they are playing with strength, power, and intensity while respecting their opponent and the rules. Think about that Anthony Mason example. It was always within the rules.
00:14:20
Speaker
It was... just very purposeful aggressive in the sense that there was intent and some some purpose behind it so driving through contact on basketball or lacrosse without being the the fowler on the offensive side of things so you're finishing your blocks in football through the wi You're playing through the whistle on lacrosse.
00:14:44
Speaker
ah You're hustling and diving for loose balls, whether it's basketball, lacrosse, and you're maintaining your position and and even standing up for your teammates. So if there is a foul against the quarterback, I'm not mad if the offensive line then gets in the face, but watch where the hands go and go from there. So you're still ah being physically assertive,
00:15:09
Speaker
and showing the team the confidence, the opponent, the confidence that you do have. But we're not crossing any lines here. um yeah Yeah, in lacrosse, i even had a ah dude or my goalie, freaking all-conference amazing.
00:15:23
Speaker
And, yeah, there was a player that intentionally, not intentionally going to score, but dove headfirst through the crease like he was going to tackle our goalie.
00:15:34
Speaker
So it takes him out. That's a huge risk for our team to win. So then defense was able to rally around that and – Yeah, and set the tone. Needless to say, we we won that game. So that that's physical. We want to play hard, not reckless. Okay, next is verbal assertiveness. And this is very important for leaders to lead with their voice as well. So you're communicating clearly, confidently, and respectfully, even in high-pressure moments.
00:16:04
Speaker
Examples, calling for the ball or directing teammates on where to go. I needed that on the offensive side of the ball when I was giving that a shot, right? In defense, in in lacrosse, in football, communication is the foundation and the base.
00:16:19
Speaker
We're not only telling what ah where our athletes need to go, where our teammates need to go, we're telling them, almost narrating what we're doing until we get a sense and get to know each other of, I can anticipate what you're going to do,
00:16:32
Speaker
because for one, two, three years you've narrated it to me and now I got a better sense and feel. So communication verbally being assertive is going to help me build connections, bonds, and almost anticipate what my teammate teammate will do.
00:16:48
Speaker
So ah this this is important for leaders speaking up when a drill isn't clear or when a teammate crosses the line. I encourage leaders to go first if we're doing drills. If you know what you're doing, you're going first.
00:17:01
Speaker
And if myself or one of the members of the coaching staff did not communicate the the drill clearly, it's going to show up and we're going to cost ourselves two, three more minutes to re-explain So I need my my captains, my leaders to be verbally assertive so they can tell us, coach, that doesn't make any sense. Or ah where they step up and almost make it more more understandable for the younger athletes and make sure that that they're dialed in on point.
00:17:34
Speaker
And then important when an athlete does cross the line, they need to let them know. Usually with younger athletes, they don't know what they don't know. They don't know if they're doing something wrong or out of bounds or examples walking on the field.
00:17:47
Speaker
So if they're walking, going to water or walking, going to the next drill, and they they don't know or their awareness is off, expectation is then that we use verbal assertiveness to get them to run off the field reminding them versus maybe adding a negative ah dig against them.
00:18:06
Speaker
That'd be verbal aggression ah to get them know that. All right. So last and also highly important. So ah Reminder, I want you to use your voice to lead, not lash out. That's my one-liner for ah verbal assertiveness.
00:18:22
Speaker
Emotional and sir assertiveness, you're managing emotions and maintaining composure under stress. Choosing response over reaction. You're not allowing your emotions to dictate.
00:18:35
Speaker
Going back to my teammate that just battered up, lined it up against me, and He had a ah a pattern of this, let's just say, if he was a defender, if he took a shot or got in the way and blocked a shot against the the goal going 80, 90 miles an hour, and it hit him, he...
00:18:56
Speaker
led with verbal aggression and told you every little thing that he hated about you ah from the nuanced point and that that just happened to be his pattern. Sorry, I digress. So getting into emotional assertiveness and managing that emotions. Examples, stay focused after a bad call or a mistake.
00:19:17
Speaker
There's no hands up, like I didn't do anything wrong. There's no talking back to the referee. thats That's a huge pet peeve because that's going to distract the referee from the the next play. It's going to lean into their bias.
00:19:32
Speaker
And guess what coach has to do? Coach has to correct that behavior, tell the athletes to be quiet versus themselves stepping in and communicating to the ref.
00:19:43
Speaker
So if our athletes are not, if they're emotionally aggressive, especially for bad calls, it takes away from our coaches then stepping in, communicating to the refs and figuring things out.
00:19:55
Speaker
um So then aiming to yeah focus focus after a bad call and mistake. Responding to to trash talk or aggression with poise. One of my favorite things is good teams answer.
00:20:07
Speaker
So if they are talking trash, if they are ah bringing, aiming to bring the level play down, well, we're going to compete. We're going to direct that onto the field with our play. We're going to allow our play to speak for ourselves and let them continue that quicksand spiral.
00:20:28
Speaker
And yes, it's going to work on our advantage if they continue to be chippy. And then I love it also, doesn't hurt if you score. So, ah That's a good one. And then what I've learned to lean into is gaining control of your body. So if we're up here in that 10, 8, 10, 9, 8 anger range, we're thinking with our limbic brain, which is fight, flight, freeze.
00:20:54
Speaker
with young men usually fight period so this is an opportunity for us to teach breathing technique or get them off the field got to get them to sprint off the field and uh get a substitution out there for a clearly thinking guy i'll allow them to cool off and then we're in they're in seven seven six and eight uh seven six mindset intensity level of rage then i can communicate and we can talk through it but i need them to get in their body whether it's breath or movement not physical aggression against the other team so direction that uh preach during practice control the controllables your attitude effort and your response so
00:21:38
Speaker
Winding down here and this is a term. i've i've I've thrown around at many presentations across the country and And gonna lead with a Viktor Frankl quote from man search for meeting between stimulus and response There is space in that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response our response or in our response lies our growth and our happiness and So the the phrase I love to lean into, it's two words, response ability.
00:22:10
Speaker
My ability to respond. I need to train a routine just like somebody would have a routine before they shoot a free throw. We need to start to train and teach a routine to young athletes so they're ready to respond in appropriate ways.
00:22:27
Speaker
so first is i use three r's to think about this and your your trigger your response i need you to feel it i don't want to act on it i just want to feel it so pause and choose your response take that moment that frankl talks about and breathe into it From there, you're going to relax. Remember, I need you from 10, 9, 8 energy into our middle brain, which is that 7, 6, 5, and we're going to relax, control the physiological state, and then we're going to refocus. We're shifting our attention back to the new task, the next play.
00:23:06
Speaker
And I need you to act assertively with purpose and intention that's going to benefit the team and yourself. I accomplish this through conditioning.
00:23:18
Speaker
Sure, am I measuring the VO2 max of my athletes during conditioning? I don't have those resources. Am I measuring the distances covered with a catapult? No, I don't have those resources.
00:23:30
Speaker
What do I have? Coach's eye. just a piece of paper to progress and so and make times for athletes, and then the experience. So I'm watching body language. I'm seeing how they respond to adversity, seeing how they respond and where each individual goes when the going gets tough.
00:23:50
Speaker
So I'm trying to find these hot buttons. but hot buttons What happens if I then give them coaching cues and directions or tasks and assignment mid conditioning when the heart rate is high and the logic is low?
00:24:03
Speaker
Where do they go? That's our opportunity. So use conditioning to find out each individual's hot buttons and then give them the tools in order for us to increase our response ability.
00:24:18
Speaker
And So a lot there, guys, I want you to feel and think about how you're directing assertiveness and teaching and training assertiveness versus encouraging aggression.
Reflections on Coaching and Leadership Balance
00:24:30
Speaker
And man, I could go on for days. and i mean, nearing 17-year career coaching and been in offices, been in many different locker rooms, ah all different arenas, connecting with people that have less than optimal aggressive skills towards their team members or the the leadership that's that's aiming to help them.
00:24:54
Speaker
So I mean conflict management, emotional regulation, ah ego threats that then trigger some form of emotional response there, passive aggressiveness.
00:25:08
Speaker
I mean the the list goes on. and Just last week, Dr. Brian Mann from Texas A&M, he teaches strength and conditioning for them. He asked an athlete to reach out to me, give him some career advice, and I gave him 60 minutes worth, but one piece is one consistent piece that I give whenever a young coach reaches out to me, and that is connected to owning and your your emotions. If there is a circle where people start to speak negatively about others,
00:25:39
Speaker
That's not a group you want to hang around for the long run as a coach. So try to feed into try to not feed into that emotional, hostile,
00:25:50
Speaker
ah just verbal baggage that people are are trying to protect themselves with. Don't don't feed into that. Because you know as soon as you leave that group, they're going to direct that aggression or jealousy or whatever it may be that's feeding that in in your direction.
00:26:09
Speaker
So that is, um yeah, that that relational social aggression, you want to avoid it. If there's hostile aggression, if one of your team members is given an instruction,
00:26:21
Speaker
and they they start to be hostile against the leadership, that's also someone you don't want to work with it because they're not acting with purpose and intent. They're acting with ah selfishness in some way, shape, or form.
00:26:36
Speaker
So listen for that. And probably clearly one of the worst ones to avoid is passive aggressiveness, where they're wearing some mask in front of your face, and then you catch wind of how they're they're treating or speaking about you or another in the back channels.
00:26:51
Speaker
So my my guidance for that coach is avoid those conversations at all cost. if Walk away from them if they start to speak about you or your friend. Practice being assertive. Stop them right there and aim to to practice your assertive leadership because that's a sense that they know they're wrong.
00:27:11
Speaker
they They're trying to overcome whatever they feel upset about themselves or down about themselves and trying to overplay some hand by being this ultra aggressive individual.
00:27:23
Speaker
But kick the stool out from under them, ask them questions of why they think that, and challenge every way. So that would be a very assertive form of leadership that I encourage all of you out there to to take. so Understanding aggression versus being assertive.
00:27:42
Speaker
And what am I coaching? What am i empowering my athletes? What am i reinforcing or rewarding these behaviors? Because they're going to get reinforced and think, okay, as soon as sports are over and they're out and there in the real world,
00:27:57
Speaker
They think, okay, well, leadership, authority, they rewarded me when I did this. Now they're in an office, though. it It doesn't translate. So aim as a coach or leader within your own team to, I mean, define, model, shape, reinforce exactly what your expectations are as a leader.
Podcast Conclusion and Newsletter Invitation
00:28:18
Speaker
All right, that does it for today's show. If you have some time, there's a documentary on Anthony Mason on YouTube worth the watch to to see his his rise leading up to to making the team ah for Coach Pat Riley, who I'm a big fan of.
00:28:36
Speaker
I think I model my hair after Slick. So... That's it for these notes. I'll hand them off. Sign up for our newsletter. Head to captainsandcoaches.com. Newsletter sign up form will will pop out right there.
00:28:49
Speaker
ah follow up and give away all the notes, so I want you to apply these so you can empower your athletes and help raise their game. Thank And see you.