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083 - 7 Language Shifts That Build Athletes Who Own Their Effort
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You don't have lazy athletes. You have athletes who don't feel ownership over who they're becoming.
In this episode, we break down the exact language progression that transforms teenage effort from something you have to demand into something they generate from within. Using the "I Want → I Am" framework, you'll learn how to guide athletes through seven identity-building stages that turn fragile motivation into unshakable self-leadership.
This isn't about yelling louder or running harder conditioning. It's about understanding that thoughts become reality—and the language we use as coaches either builds athletes who own their effort or creates performers who'll never push beyond our presence. If you want your team to actually give a sh*t this year, start here.
What you'll learn:
- Why modern athletes shut down when coaches use old-school motivation tactics
- The 7-stage identity ladder from "I want" to "I am" (with coaching cues for each)
- How to use writing, vocal awareness, and visualization to anchor commitment
- The difference between confidence-building and outcome-chasing
- Why helping athletes level-set their current skill is more powerful than hype
Language shapes identity. Identity drives behavior. This is how you raise the game.
*NEW* Education - Captains & Coaches course, "Why They're Not Listening - Coaching Today's Athlete": http://listen.captainsandcoaches.com
Training - Old Bull Program - 7 Day Free Trial - https://bit.ly/old-bull-train
#CoachingPhilosophy #AthleteMotivation #YouthSportsCoaching #TeenageAthletes #LeadershipDevelopment #CoachBetter #TransformationalCoaching #SportsCoaching #CoachEducation #TeamCulture #HighSchoolSports #CoachingMindset #AthleteDevelopment #CaptainsAndCoaches #ModernCoaching
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Transcript
The Root of Effort Issues: Identity vs. Motivation
00:00:00
Speaker
Effort isn't a motivation problem. It's an identity problem. Welcome to the Captains and Coaches podcast, where we explore the art and science of leadership through the lens of athletics and beyond. Coach,
00:00:11
Speaker
Let's just call it what it is. You don't have a lazy team. You don't have a soft generation. You have athletes who don't feel ownership. And here's the hard truth most coaches avoid. You cannot demand effort for someone who doesn't see themselves in the outcome.
00:00:28
Speaker
Most of the problems occur when we see the outcome for our athletes. Their effort, their attitude, their vision of themselves doesn't match what we see. We call that potential but we're failing to communicate or get the athlete to understand the current path that they're on.
00:00:46
Speaker
We need to be where their feet are with that athlete and then help guide and set their vision. That's what this conversation is all about. Teenage athletes, they're not lacking motivation. They're lacking identity, clarity, who they are now and who they want to be.
00:01:03
Speaker
Keyword, who they want to be. If you want them to give a Crap, in the new year, you don't start with conditioning, consequences, or volume. You start with language because language shapes thought. Thoughts shape actions. Actions shape identity, and identity drives behavior.
00:01:23
Speaker
Why the old school motivation
Challenges Modern Athletes Face
00:01:26
Speaker
fails. Modern athletes, they live in a world of constant comparison, social pressures, fear of failure being public, and authority declares.
00:01:36
Speaker
doesn't blindly they don't they don't blindly trust anymore. The the yes sir, no sir generation is gone. We need to build that belief in buy-in as an authority figure so when we do tell them the truth, do give them perspective, do give them coaching, they believe it.
00:01:55
Speaker
So when you yell when coaches lean into yelling, threatening, or shaming, it doesn't raise the standard. It actually triggers fight, flight, or freeze mode, which is not a growth place to be.
00:02:08
Speaker
That's why they're shutting down. That's why they may say yes, coach, and change
Building Athlete Identity and Commitment
00:02:13
Speaker
nothing. They just want to end the conversation or tell you exactly what you want to hear and then go ah off doing exactly what they did all the time.
00:02:22
Speaker
or sometimes they mentally quit, shut down, so they're physically present, but then the trying, the effort, the care is no longer there. The passion for the sport needs to be awakened. I won't say it's dead. It needs to be awakened. You don't get buy-in by telling kids to want it more.
00:02:44
Speaker
That's going to get you nowhere. You get buy-in by helping them build a version of themselves they don't want to betray, that they feel responsible for. And that's where the stages of behavior come in which we're going to explore.
00:02:58
Speaker
I want to refer to this as the identity ladder. So we can identify where our athletes are on this ladder and then have a next step. If we are at nowhere, here's the foundation, here's the base that we want to create. Going into the new year, I highly recommend You start here and then if if athletes have answers for this starting question, then you know they're already well on their way. If they can't answer this, this is where we need to spend the most time.
00:03:28
Speaker
So stage one, this is desire. I want them on a piece of paper to physically write the words I want. Want is fragile. Feelings change, motivation frame fades. So if we anchor this in action and writing it down, one goal, one sentence, one thing they want to accomplish for this season, this semester, this year, now we can start to establish a first step and an aim for us going into the rest of the year. Writing it down makes it rear. Rear. Writing it down makes it real.
00:04:06
Speaker
And if it stays in their head, it's not optional. So we're going write down whatever they want to accomplish. We can help shape and guide it, but it needs to be their own
The Power of Vocalizing and Sharing Goals
00:04:16
Speaker
thought. And then we're going have them put this on their mirror.
00:04:20
Speaker
So this way they're staring it down every single day. They can go to bed and make decisions. Did all my actions, behaviors, practice, training, reps, practice,
00:04:31
Speaker
bring me closer to what I want. So this is incredibly important. What do they want to accomplish? That's an individual goal. Now what I'm going to do as a coach, i'm going to collect all these individual goals and now we're going to help them shape their team goal for the year. You can do this in offense,
00:04:50
Speaker
in defense or you can do this for the team. So now I start to feel this responsibility of this is what I want and it's going to help us lead towards a team goal.
00:05:01
Speaker
So first step, it is the hardest, establishing what do you want to accomplish and then writing it down to make it real. Stage two, I will. Now we are vocalizing this.
00:05:14
Speaker
We establish what we want. It's in our head, but now we're going to establish a commitment by saying I will, we will accomplish this. Want is internal, will is public.
00:05:26
Speaker
So now where I collected all these, we're going to now have them socially responsible for sharing what they want with their team. This also introduces vocal awareness, very positive.
00:05:40
Speaker
You're going to see a lot of negative body language. You're going to hear a lot of, I can't do this from your team, or I'm so bad at that. All that negative language. Well, if we start to have them vocalizing something positive that they want, this is going to put us on a great path to then having a vocal awareness for how we're communicating about ourselves, our performance, and our teammates.
00:06:04
Speaker
I want to get to a point where teammates are lifting each other up versus dragging each other down or hearing this negative language and saying nothing because that's not helping a good team anyway.
00:06:16
Speaker
So once we establish what we want now, we're going to share it and frame it as instead of I want, when I vocalize it, I say i will. accomplish this.
00:06:27
Speaker
I will do this. We're saying it aloud. We're saying it to a teammate. We're saying it to the room. And now we want to add a why to that. So this is going to create an identity if it is a setting a goals record for the team. It is accomplishing this ah number of touchdowns, points, percentages, whatever it may be. We are establishing an identity and we're having our team witness it And that that strengthens it. It makes it more real.
00:06:57
Speaker
And now if my behaviors, my decisions, my actions, my attitude are not going in direction that I shared what I will accomplish with my team, now not only am I responsible, my team my teammates, my coaches become accountable for my actions and decisions, and they help lead me down that path, becoming guardrails, bumper rails for me to stay on this path to greatness.
00:07:23
Speaker
Silence protects comfort. I don't want a silent team. I want great communication. I want calling each other out for our actions that are not matching our goals. This voice that we're saying, I will, it's committing to our task and it creates accountability across the board from my team.
Overcoming Self-Doubt Through Positive Reinforcement
00:07:43
Speaker
Next phase, stage three on the ladder, I can. So once we say I will, this is still in pre-season mode, now it's I can. This is establishing a belief where most athletes stall. Yes, they write their goal for the year. Yes, they shared it but then they don't continually keep it in the forefront of their brain of the the daily practice goals that we need to accomplish.
00:08:08
Speaker
So reminding themselves that I can do this and then get rid of, this i call it the C word and call people out. We don't use a C word, which is can't, cannot, I can, I'm starting to establish a belief. This is where most athletes stall out.
00:08:24
Speaker
Not because they're weak, but because they've failed before and they're telling themselves the same old story. We want to rewrite the story. We are on a new chapter. It's a new season and we are we are on our own hero's journey this year with this team, this squad, at this moment.
00:08:41
Speaker
So it's not like it was before. And I can creates that belief. that we're going to it. I also want to establish visualization. When I say i can, and then I as a coach am reinforcing that with my athletes, I want them to visualize themselves succeeding this.
00:08:59
Speaker
Michael Jordan's got a great quote about this where he doesn't imagine the outcome of a shot because the Imagining the outcome is always negative. He wants to be present, live in the moment. So establishing I can do this is being where my feet are and keeping my head up in the direction, aiming towards my goal.
00:09:22
Speaker
So we're visualizing the path, the next step, the next rep on how it's executed, the process, not necessarily the outcome, how it's done. I also want them to walk me through the the different directions, the steps, the throws, the shots, whatever it may be. where is there Where are their feet, where is their mind, and what is their body doing through it?
Acknowledging Skills and the Path to Improvement
00:09:46
Speaker
not Again, not focusing on the outcome, but the process and the movement of the body, that's going be extremely beneficial for us. The brain doesn't separate imagined reps from real ones and that's a big thing for for teenagers, for kids to understand. I often say that the brain does not recognize speed, it recognizes patterns.
00:10:06
Speaker
Sometimes we've got to slow our reps down to a 50% speed so they can understand the posture, the position, the pattern, and then we can speed it up and get our reps in. Then you can add your style and your finesse and your flair to it.
00:10:21
Speaker
But fundamentally, this these are the positions I want, start to finish, and let's get the pattern there. So confidence is also rehearsed. We can slow confidence down and then focus on that process and who you are on your journey.
00:10:40
Speaker
I can. Next, we have, I am. This is level setting on skill set. This has become one of my favorite phrases. We have to realize this is who I am.
00:10:50
Speaker
I'm not imagining the end of the road, the person at the top of the mountain. I'm realizing and being present of this is who I am. knowing there's a hell of a lot more work that I need to do. This is where my team is.
00:11:05
Speaker
There's a hell of a lot more work that we need to put in. It's not just passing a conditioning test. It's being in game shape, which a hell of a lot more difficult than accomplishing a six-minute mile.
00:11:17
Speaker
Being in game-ready shape constantly and being in a position to ask and do whatever my team asks of me. This becomes honesty. This becomes true humility. High ego athletes, they need grounding.
00:11:32
Speaker
This is the level where we are grounded knowing that there is more. There's a a higher level that we can accomplish if we decide to continue on this path.
00:11:42
Speaker
You're going to have people stall out at this. They're happy and content with exactly where they are. It's good enough. Well, what are we aiming for? If we want to reach this level and that's where we're at, okay.
00:11:55
Speaker
I, as a coach, can then aim to help them understand that there is more to this. So the action is level setting on skill, being honest with who exactly you are at this moment in time.
00:12:09
Speaker
And It's not good, it's not bad, it's just real and focusing on that. We're not applying a label here, we're just being honest with their current ability. Identity can't grow from delusion or self-hate. It grows from accuracy.
00:12:25
Speaker
Once we've established and level set on our skill set, now we're aiming to build confidence. Now we can understand that the hard work that we put into it, it allows us to earn the success within our sport.
00:12:39
Speaker
We don't deserve that success, we earned that success. And that is confidence, knowing that all the the squats that I hit, all the reps that we put in on the barbell led us to be stronger.
00:12:52
Speaker
We didn't just show up to the gym and talk for two hours, and then be mad at ourselves because why didn't I get stronger? Well, we didn't put in the work. So weight room is the ultimate example of this, of that I succeeded. The work that I put in earned me the muscles, earned me the strength, earned me the confidence to step out there.
00:13:14
Speaker
So it's executing the process under stress, and it's reinforcing the effort, not the outcome. That rep, this is how I would direct a ah kid. That rep right there, that's who you're becoming. That's what we're looking for.
00:13:28
Speaker
And we're reinforcing the attitude, the effort, and the execution there. And this is how confidence is stacked. It's building small win on small win. There's another layer to this because this is the next step in the ladder.
00:13:44
Speaker
There's going to be failure.
Reframing Failure as Feedback
00:13:46
Speaker
The beautiful thing of weightlifting, when an amateur starts to weightlift, their numbers are going to skyrocket. They go through certain stages of coordination development and over the first 20 weeks of weightlifting, they can put hundreds of pounds on the barbell, but it's just their body learning about themselves. And if they have that same expectation,
00:14:08
Speaker
for the rest of their lives, well, that's an infinite game. A tree doesn't grow to the sky forever. With weightlifting and skills, we start to fail. We start to miss. We start to put in the same effort that we did to get where we are, and it no longer works. We have to learn to fail as an athlete.
00:14:30
Speaker
And this is what I call experience. Failure isn't the opposite of success. Avoidance is. So we're reframing failure as data. There is no failure, only feedback.
00:14:44
Speaker
So if my shot doesn't hit its target, I'm not going to collapse and throw my hands up at the air and get mad and try to break my stick or take my aggression out on somebody else.
00:14:55
Speaker
I'm going to refocus, re-aim, and make an adjustment. That is experience. So my coaching cue here, what did this teach you about the next rep?
00:15:07
Speaker
How did that feel? What are we going to do next time? So we're present and putting together an aim. That's why I love the the word aim so much because it's it's so literal for the sport that I coach and it's this aiming up direction. We don't have time to pout. We don't have time to get upset with ourselves.
00:15:28
Speaker
We're focused on the next s rep and the next goal. Athletes who feel fear failure, they never push. they so They don't study, athletes who study fear get dangerous. They're scared of getting hurt.
00:15:43
Speaker
Have you had an athlete or a teammate that is scared of getting hurt? Guess what happens? They play slow and then they get hurt. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. So this is that failure level where they they have, they built a passion for the sport. They built a passion for training. They saw the success and then they plateaued.
00:16:03
Speaker
Then they stalled out. Okay, we need to gain experience, we gotta to rethink, we gotta reset and reload, and then build and learn from this. We need to add, if we're weightlifting, we're adding more accessory work, we're adding more strict pull-ups so we can build a bigger back to hold a more weight, a stronger bar on our backs.
00:16:22
Speaker
So there's all these tools that we have in place as coaches, we have the experience, because we failed so much, that we need to hand off to their perspective. This is a great mentor step on the ladder.
00:16:34
Speaker
And again, discouraging, shaming, and talking down and pulling them down is only going to knock them off the ladder altogether and fall dis not not fall in love with the sport anymore.
00:16:45
Speaker
This follow-up. I don't have a phrase for that. You know what i'm talking about. Okay.
Unlocking Motivation: Autonomy, Competence, Connection
00:16:49
Speaker
So once they've established, again, we've level set on skill set. We've built the confidence from success. We've learned how to fail.
00:16:58
Speaker
now We're at a higher level. This is I am again, but it's it's it's confidence. You know where you are, you know where you've been, and you know where you're going.
00:17:10
Speaker
You have confidence in the amount of work that you put in. You've taken that rep, again using MJ again, taken that final game shot hundreds of times so you know now this is what I'm going to apply.
00:17:22
Speaker
And I call that swagger. So this is identity integration. It's not hype. It's not arrogance. It's a quiet certainty. You step onto the field, the field, the court, the rink. This becomes your sanctuary.
00:17:38
Speaker
You own it. The coaching cue here, that's just who it's who you are now. You're a leader, leaders lead. So we're establishing an identity and we're reinforcing this swagger, the haze in the barn. There are so many great phrases that establish this.
00:17:57
Speaker
We studied for the test. Now we're gonna sit down and take it No speech needed. Their behavior says it all. This is a magical place, and it's it's an aim for me to to lead all athletes to this place, but it takes time. It may take a whole season. may take a whole year. It may take four years.
00:18:17
Speaker
But I want to build them this confidence in understanding the connection between the work that they put in, the successes, the failure the failures, the early mornings, the weight room, the time focused outside of practice, honing your craft, all of that leads to swagger for the moment.
00:18:39
Speaker
Man, yeah, this this is great level of I am. I know who I am and I know where I'm going.
00:18:48
Speaker
that's That's the level we're aiming for. Where coaches screw this up, most coaches skip steps. They jump straight to, you should care. You're capable of more. This matters.
00:18:58
Speaker
What are we doing here? Why don't you care? So directly calling them out or telling them how they should act and feel. This is why I wrote the Listen course, why athletes are not listening. Head to listen.captainsandcoaches.com. Shameless plug.
00:19:13
Speaker
It's because I've been there 17 years of coaching, 17 seasons, 17 different teams. That's why i love athletics. Every single team is a new kid, a new challenge, and it's, yeah, it's a lot of fun. So motivation isn't manufactured. It's unlocked by autom and autonomy, competence, and connection.
00:19:34
Speaker
But you got to lead the way, coach. You don't motivate teens by controlling them. You motivate them by helping them own who are they're becoming. That's why the first step I want, that's who they want to become, and I can lead them down that path, but I can't do it for them. I can't tell them who they are and then hold them accountable and yell at them for not feeling or believing that same way.
Emphasizing Self-Leadership and Personal Reflection
00:19:58
Speaker
That's why writing beats yelling. Questions beats commands. Process beats punishment. You're not lowering your standards. You're raising self-leadership for your team.
00:20:11
Speaker
New year, new challenge for you. Coach, if you want your athletes to give a damn this year, still challenged on cursing, stop asking, do they want it? And start asking, who are they becoming?
00:20:24
Speaker
Because once your athletes believes this is who I am, Effort becomes automatic, standards become internal, and you stop having to be the bad guy as coach.
00:20:35
Speaker
That's how I used to coach. I've been in your shoes. it It sucks, and you feel that point. You feel that breaking point in the season where you have so much hope, and then it it becomes frustrating for you, and you just instinctively become that bad guy.
00:20:52
Speaker
Well, we need to prepare. early in the season to avoid that and hold them accountable throughout the year for their actions versus becoming that bad guy. Because, and I'll reiterate this, thoughts become your reality. Language builds identity and identity drives everything.
00:21:10
Speaker
And this is how you raise the game. Thank you for tuning into another episode of the Captains & Coaches podcast. encourage you sign up for the newsletter. This is where I deliver all of my show notes and deep dive of that and link it to any research that's getting connected to these.
00:21:27
Speaker
To do that, head to captainsandcoaches.com or newsletter.captainsandcoaches.com. I've got an awesome course out there. The first lesson is free. So head to listen.captainsandcoaches.com to take the course, Why They're Not Listening, Coaching the Modern Day Athlete.
00:21:45
Speaker
If you like this episode, please subscribe to the show, hit like, rate the show, or send this to a colleague or parent or kid that needs to hear this message. And I encourage you, once you write down what you want to establish this year,
00:22:02
Speaker
Share it in the YouTube comments. Share it in the Spotify comments. But most importantly, handwrite it. Don't print it out. Handwrite it and place that on your mirror. So every single morning you wake up and you know, all right, this is what I'm aiming for today.
00:22:17
Speaker
Thank you for tuning in. Happy New Year. And see