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067 - Conflict Without Collapse: A Captain’s Guide to Hard Conversations
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Conflict is inevitable on every team — division isn’t. In this episode we're sharpening one of the most underrated skills of great leaders: navigating tension without tearing the team apart. From locker room blow-ups to sideline disagreements, how you handle conflict will either fracture trust or forge stronger bonds.
We’ll break down the three core goals of healthy conflict resolution, the ground rules every athlete must follow, and the essential mindset shifts captains need to lead hard conversations with respect, humility, and purpose. You’ll also learn how to spot low-esteem warning signs before they derail a season and how to turn heated moments into opportunities for growth and deeper connection.
Whether you’re leading a varsity locker room or building a championship culture from the ground up, this episode gives you the tools to step into conflict with confidence — and come out with a stronger, more united team.
Training - Old Bull Program - 7 Day Free Trial - https://bit.ly/old-bull-train
Education - Why They're Not Listening: Coaching the Modern Athlete - http://listen.captainsandcoaches.com
#TeamLeadership #ConflictResolution #SportsCulture #CaptainMindset #CoachingTips #TeamBuilding #LockerRoomLeadership #TeamCaptain #AthleteDevelopment #HighSchoolSports #CaptainsAndCoaches
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Transcript
Introduction to Conflict in Teams
00:00:00
Speaker
Conflict is coming for your team. It's not if, it's when. Welcome to the Captains and Coaches podcast where we explore the art and science of leadership through lens of athletics and beyond. I'm your host Tex McColkin and today is all about conflict and resolution.
00:00:15
Speaker
We're gonna be introducing tools and rules that I want coaches to put in place for their team captains. I don't want you to just, when there's conflict, say, hey, go figure it out and set your captains up for failure for conflict resolution with their teammates.
00:00:32
Speaker
I want you to establish rules that we're going to introduce goals and give them the tools so they can take on and get reps with resolving conflict in this environment of sport.
00:00:45
Speaker
And these are valuable tools, valuable opportunities and and reps that they're going to take into the real world following their sports and athletic career.
Tex's Personal Story on Conflict
00:00:55
Speaker
I recall very vividly one of the first confrontations that I had a team captain. So three year team captain with my college lacrosse team in my senior year during fall ball, we had freshmen that went out on a Tuesday night. Our school soccer team had a big win.
00:01:14
Speaker
These dudes were pals. They had in invitations out to a soccer party following a victory for the school and they took it. We had practice the next day, fall ball practice for lacrosse.
00:01:28
Speaker
Word got back to coach that these dudes went out and we had 48 24-hour rules in place outside of practice and lacrosse activities.
00:01:39
Speaker
These dudes clearly violated it. They took advantage of being freshmen and out on their own for the first time where they could make their own decisions and they took advantage and the word got back to coach some way, shape, or form. i don't know how.
00:01:55
Speaker
Needless to say, practice was canceled and it just turned into a conditioning session. And coach left it up to the team to figure it out. He was aware of the problem.
00:02:07
Speaker
He made captains aware of the problem. And then the team... we had to to to run, basically. So the dudes that were, they went out, they were not bitching, moaning, complaining. They were not getting defensive.
00:02:23
Speaker
They faced the punishment along with the team. Unfortunately, a lot of team members attacked them, building this resentment, calling them out for, I mean, activities that we we were all guilty of.
00:02:36
Speaker
It's just within the team rules that we violated that 24, 48 hour rule. and Yeah, it it got it got aggressive. It got heated. it got confrontational.
00:02:49
Speaker
And I stepped up. So one, two, three years as captain, I was a lead by example guy. Our emotional leaders, they had then graduated. So I stepped up into more of a...
00:03:03
Speaker
Okay, putting tools in place, working with Coach Reynolds. Check out Captains and Coaches episode 25 for that great relationship that I had with Coach Reynolds, head coach at the time, and still head coach.
00:03:16
Speaker
So now the... Senior year that I had I needed to step into a vocal role across as a spring sport. We had fall ball I assumed that a lot of my teammates wanted to work as hard as me they appreciated and valued lacrosse as much as I did and I assume that so now during this session of conditioning Coach made his point and then he walked off and left it to the team. And I i felt the urge, the need to now step into a vocal role.
00:03:54
Speaker
ah This is very vivid. This was one of my first true like public speaking opportunities. I was nervous. My voice was cracking. I was passionate for the team.
00:04:07
Speaker
I certainly did not get my message across as well as I could have now, but it was an extremely valuable rep in understanding who was working with. So these these freshmen, they they were great lacrosse players, certainly better than I was when I was a freshman.
00:04:24
Speaker
A lot of the tools and tasks we were giving them, it came easy to them. And that's that's a lot of fall ball. You teach them this and ah you're installing your offense and they're stepping into a college role where they're for the first time in their lives, they don't have a curfew.
Challenges for Freshmen in College Sports
00:04:43
Speaker
They're not... ah and adhering to the household rules, they have this freedom. And again, I mentioned earlier, I assumed they wanted it as much as I did.
00:04:53
Speaker
These dudes that we were pulling from, they were from different parts of the country, Maryland, New York, extremely skilled. The lacrosse at our school, it came easy to them. They were very talented recruits.
00:05:07
Speaker
They didn't have to do everything that I did just to have an impact with the team. So at that stage of their college career, lacrosse was easy. They felt that they could go out and manage the manage the demands of a college sport, although we had not experienced their first season yet.
00:05:28
Speaker
So a lot of things that I assumed ah with this group, and they assumed stepping into this, that one experience or one ah fall ball, that was college lacrosse.
00:05:43
Speaker
They had yet to experience the full season and what it means to ah to to fail later in the season knowing something that I could have focused on during the fall or worked hard enough during the summer to work on this thing that's going to ah appear when we are senior, uh, seniors or or later in season.
00:06:06
Speaker
So, so such a valuable, rich experience from learning to public speak to, learning to confront these guys and still get their side of the story instead of just trying to attack them.
Understanding Conflict Resolution
00:06:20
Speaker
That certainly wasn't the style of leader I was. I needed to understand. I wanted to understand and, and, um, get some reps. So that, that was one of my first confrontations as a captain, uh, verbally, vocally stepping up in front of the whole team and trying to understand why, ah individuals were making decisions that negatively affected others, inter personal, uh, connection there. So, so
00:06:52
Speaker
that That was valuable for me to confront. I didn't have the tools that I'm going to get into. Now we're going to roll into the conflict resolution process. First and foremost, we need to de-escalate.
00:07:03
Speaker
Coach did a great thing by putting us into our bodies, making us run, making us dog freaking tired so we could get over the the emotions, the resentment that we're all feeling and put us in a position we were de-escalating and then he let us be. He let us resolve it.
00:07:22
Speaker
So at this stage, the first thing that we need to do, I recommend get into your body. If your temper is at a 10, at a 10, you need to get into your body, move, ah find a way to breathe, but deescalate.
00:07:36
Speaker
Many people put a 24-hour rule before they come back to it. I feel that works well in the real world, but with teams where we're living together, we have practices in less than 24 hours or games are happening in heated moments.
00:07:51
Speaker
That's very tough to do, that 24-hour rule, especially making that a habit. So aim is to de-escalate, get into your body, move, breathe, get us from that 10 down to a 7 and below, and now we can process it.
00:08:06
Speaker
Now I can bring it up with my words, and you have one of two choices. Let it go and move on or deal with it. And here are going to be the goals, the the resources for you to deal with it.
00:08:21
Speaker
So ah the the first one for healthy conflict resolution for teams is going to be actually resolving the conflict. Working with a lot of college athletes and high school athletes, they give you the stone wall and just say, fine, I'm fine.
00:08:37
Speaker
I don't care. It doesn't matter. That's not letting it go. They're putting that wall up. It doesn't resolve everything. And those emotions are going to stir or boil up and it's going to erupt.
00:08:49
Speaker
at some point when you least want it to. And that resentment lava just builds up. So we need to actually aim to resolve that conflict.
00:09:01
Speaker
ah it's It's not a matter of winning an argument. if If a a senior comes over the top or a coach comes over the top and they're just trying to overpower the other player, the younger player, that's not resolving anything. We actually have to look at the...
00:09:18
Speaker
the materials and address it to work through it together. So rule number one, goal number one is to actually resolve the conflict and not overpower or stonewall and prevent this thing from from getting resolved.
00:09:33
Speaker
Goal number two, and need you to see the situation as accurate as possible. This is a lot of reason I love sports. The eye in the sky doesn't lie. Often during conflict, we have film on this.
00:09:48
Speaker
Whether it's a game or practice, there's an opportunity for us to get both sides of that conflict within sport. Now, that's not necessarily going to happen if there's social issues or...
00:10:01
Speaker
even stuff that's going on inside the locker room, we don't have access to actual footage. So now as a leader, I need to aim to get both sides of the story. Whether I'm resolving a conflict between two individuals or I'm a leader stepping in and calling somebody out for their behavior, I have to get their side of the story.
Leadership and Emotional Management
00:10:22
Speaker
Reflecting on that story of my senior with those freshman dudes that went out, investigate. What happened there? They were young.
00:10:32
Speaker
They were in college for the first time. They had an opportunity with no rules to go out on that Tuesday night. And I imagine there were girls there that they wanted and they wanted them. So that's plenty of reason for a young man to just go out and and take advantage of that.
00:10:48
Speaker
Not knowing that somebody would be there to then reflect back to coach that they violated one of our team rules. So, okay. I imagine we've all been there as young men, so that's an understanding of where they were coming from in that.
00:11:04
Speaker
But that has to conversation has to get started. And then now knowing that, okay, next time I have a freshman class come in, I need to establish the rules. What is red light? What is yellow light? What is green light?
00:11:18
Speaker
That 24-hour rule, especially when it comes to important practices or games, That's a red light. You know the rules. Rather than me assuming that they're in there.
00:11:30
Speaker
Then there's certain yellow lights within the the rules that, okay, a proceed with caution or slow down and think about what you're doing here. And then green light go.
00:11:43
Speaker
Leaving those up for interpretation. But the team has an understanding and a clear expectation of those rules. that's a one way to approach it. So get both sides of the story and I would aim to connect and reference behaviors back to team values. Hopefully those are in place.
00:12:02
Speaker
And now goal number three is be open to examining your part. And that's what I just did as a leader. i I stepped across to understand their part. I took ah responsibility there in understanding that and there was mutual accountability there.
00:12:18
Speaker
So I'm seeing the situation accurate, getting as many stories as I can, and then I'm reflecting on what was my responsibility in that conflict. I'm not getting defensive. I'm not putting any walls up myself. I'm I'm willing to learn. I'm willing to own my part. I'm teachable.
00:12:35
Speaker
And I'm establishing a growth mindset approach as a leader and modeling then the behavior that I want to see from the younger guys. So if they start get defensive, I've already modeled that I'm willing to listen. I'm willing to learn or I'm willing to acknowledge ah some things that I did wrong within that. that's That's not weakness.
00:12:57
Speaker
That's leadership. I'm willing to say that I'm sorry here. That's true strength. A humble swagger, if you will. So certain things get in the way of these three goals.
00:13:10
Speaker
ah The first is emotional escalation. And that's that's one thing why if it's at the 10 as a coach or a leader, ah captain, I can't come at that heated kid at a 10. If they're at a 9, I can't come at a 10 and try to overpower them.
00:13:27
Speaker
They are usually, with that emotions, they want to be heard. So we need to de-escalate the situation. If it's 10 to 8, put them into their bodies. Make them run. Make them hold pillars.
00:13:39
Speaker
Make them breathe so we can try, aim to calm down and get into ah more parasympathetic situation. If it's games, they're out.
00:13:51
Speaker
They need to go to the end of the bench and they need to walk to the end zone and back. And ah or I tell them, hey, go meet me at the end zone or the opposite end zone. I'll meet you there. So I give them time to sprint there, walk there, whatever it may be.
00:14:05
Speaker
Time to cool off, refocus. And then I meet them where they're at, literally and figuratively, and get them into a seven where we can we can deescalate the situation.
00:14:16
Speaker
So. Another thing that will get in the way is emotional reasoning. Don't let your feelings determine what's true. I need to stick to facts.
00:14:28
Speaker
um that That's going to be an important thing. It's not necessarily their feelings. I often say this when working with athletes in the weight room, your feelings are a lot of you. So if they feel, oh, this movement, that feels weird. That doesn't feel right.
00:14:42
Speaker
Did it hurt? No. Okay, well, it's just a new movement or new squat variation that we're introducing. It doesn't mean it's wrong. It just means we're exploring this for the first time. Staggered stance squat, rocket squat, whatever it may be.
00:14:55
Speaker
Well, the same applies... especially working with high school and college kids. I mentioned the the dudes from my team, that was the first time they had freedom. So then, okay, they they don't know what that that feels like, this ultimate autonomy. Even though they have autonomy, there are certain boundaries in place for a team that need to be communicated.
00:15:17
Speaker
So emotionally, hey, I'm sure that was a great freaking time until Wednesday, 24 hours later, when your whole team is paying for it. So other things to get in the way is that resentment.
00:15:32
Speaker
Trust me, there were there were teammates yelling at these dudes and coach didn't call them out by name. but word had spread amongst the team. So there are teammates yelling at them negatively.
00:15:43
Speaker
Well, that's building resentment in that individual. And now it's building a lack of trust within the team, a lack of respect and a sense of shame towards them versus tools that we can actually use.
00:15:56
Speaker
Now those teammates, they were not motivated to tell anyone the next time they're going to go do this. So now they're covering up things that they're doing. They're, they're, They're potentially leading to more ah more shame, hiding stuff from different teammates potentially. So there's too much risk in not bringing this up and avoiding this conflict at all costs. So many things will get in the way.
00:16:22
Speaker
Now transitioning into our tools. And I love big Phil Jackson fan, especially how he he managed different egos within a basketball team and had found such success at a high level.
00:16:35
Speaker
Good teams become great ones when members trust each other enough to surrender the me for the we. Phil Jackson, 11-time NBA champion.
00:16:46
Speaker
Okay. Okay.
Introducing Tactical Tools for Conflict Resolution
00:16:47
Speaker
So now we're going to get tactical and give you specific tools to work on. And there are five non-negotiables. We've established the goals that we're aiming to accomplish. Now we're going to get into the tools, non-negotiables, coaches, captains, handing these off.
00:17:03
Speaker
Here we go. Rule number one, Play with respect. Class, class, class. Even in the toughest moments, you have to lead with respect towards your teammates, whether we're leading down, whether we're leading ah towards our peers right here on our same level, or we're leading up to another teammate or towards our coaching staff.
00:17:25
Speaker
It's got to be respectful no matter what. This is going to prevent that ah that emotional escalation and allow us to operate within reason to solve this conflict.
00:17:38
Speaker
So if we already established rule number one, we are working to solve this conflict. Now we need to treat each other with respect. If the individual that I am in conflict with starts to be disrespectful as a captain, as a coach, as a leader, I cannot meet them with that.
00:17:57
Speaker
I need to represent and model the behavior that I need. I need to be a mirror here, ah model and a mirror for ah the behavior that I'm looking for.
00:18:08
Speaker
So respect is the baseline in every interaction. And this is where leaders start to separate themselves from the pack and they really truly grow up. There's a lot of freshmen are going to just be in that emotional escalation and just go from seven to eight to nine to 10 and then usually ends in fisticuffs.
00:18:29
Speaker
So this ah This is something I want to to make that point is you have to lead with respect. Real captains and coaches stay respectful even when it's hard, especially when it's hard. so Disrespect usually happens when people and someone feels they're not being hurt. and Maybe you can be empathetic and think about the last time you had conflict and whether you were willing to listen to their side of the story.
00:18:59
Speaker
So hold on to that. Disrespect usually happens when someone feels like they're not being hurt. Okay, one more thing. Learn to tell the difference between passionate communication and actual anger.
00:19:12
Speaker
And this is something I learned from working with young men, high school, college age, their tonality is not where it is for adults or other coaches you're you're working with.
00:19:25
Speaker
So passionate communication, they care, but it feels like, it again, feelings a lot to you, it feels like they're coming at you with a sense of anger. They just are working on expressing themselves ah accurately and appropriately.
00:19:41
Speaker
So this is a tool a tool. Then I repeat what they say back to me in a monotone to see if I'm hearing correctly what they're saying specifically versus how they're saying it.
00:19:54
Speaker
They may not be representing how they're saying and feeling it appropriately, yet. And then I can work that feedback into there. So if they're aggressive, if they're very passionate, I'm not going to see that as a sign of disrespect.
00:20:10
Speaker
There are certain words, what, that are disrespectful that I can then take as disrespect and still put them in a position to to teach them a lesson. Okay, tool number two, I need you to listen like a captain.
00:20:23
Speaker
don't talk over don't Don't talk over anybody. Don't interrupt them. Don't stop them. Allow them time and space to be heard. And the I'm not necessarily saying that the the goal is 50-50 compromise here in your resolution.
00:20:42
Speaker
I just need them to be heard. I need to listen intently, ah just like as a ah quarterback is listened to in the huddle. Everyone has their attention, active listening, and this is another opportunity for me to then repeat back what I'm hearing and then aim to get a confirmation. Is that correct?
00:21:04
Speaker
So I'm not assuming anything. I'm not ah putting what I would do into their mind and logic. I'm not attacking them and saying, what are you thinking? What were you thinking? What were you doing?
00:21:16
Speaker
No, I'm going to pose a question and then listen. And and And when I do listen, now I'm going to speak assertively and be be proactive as a leader.
00:21:28
Speaker
So ah speaking assertively is ah a leader's ability to bring up conflict and issues without raising the defenses, without pointing them and saying, hey, you did this, you did that.
00:21:42
Speaker
um So that that's a tool. I want to speak assertively. Hey, when you did this, this is... how I felt when you did this, that led me to make this decision for the team to, to, to punish them.
00:21:59
Speaker
So here's what I felt when I heard that news. Um, so all different ways for us to speak assertively versus accusing them and throwing up the and and causing barriers and blocks to, to go up.
00:22:15
Speaker
Next, and and this is in line, I already stated that, we're clarifying what you heard. So speak assertively and then clarify what it is that you heard. this is This is huge, and ensuring that they are heard and understood, and please take note of that so we can come back to it and work on a solution logically.
00:22:35
Speaker
And lastly, Timing and delivery. How you say something matters as much as what you say when you're in a leadership role. I mentioned the the the high school, college guys earlier when they first get into this, they are delivering what clearly but how they're delivering it could be seen as aggression.
00:22:54
Speaker
Well, as a leader, I need to model and represent that and put it myself in a position to protect myself and be very clear on what and how I'm saying ah these words are going to come across.
00:23:06
Speaker
That's when I can ask for clarification as well. So it's not only Did I hear you correctly in repeating back what they said? Now, making sure and asking them to repeat back what I said.
00:23:20
Speaker
And hopefully, we've de-escalated from that 10 to a 7, and now we're on the same level of communication, the same energy. If I delivered my expectation or what I heard or saw at a 5, and then asked them to repeat it back to me, it's back at that 5 versus the defenses that are coming up.
00:23:42
Speaker
um Which leads me to my next one defenses own your mistakes Don't fumble the responsibility When conflict arises avoid the temptation to deflect blame or change the subject Accountability is like defense on the field if everyone does their job the team stays strong growth only happens when we're honest about our part in the breakdown
00:24:08
Speaker
Okay, continuing on and and examples of deflection. And please reflect on any conflict that you've had with either teammates or or people you've been leading.
00:24:21
Speaker
Lying, denying, or blaming. it It wasn't my fault or they dragged me there. um Making excuses or using fatalism. I can't help it. It's just the way I am. That fixed mindset starts to pop up.
00:24:35
Speaker
ah refusing to talk about the issues. They're they're stonewalling and that kills relationships. They say, fine, okay, no problem. And it's with that attitude and they're not willing to to be heard. That's when I need to ask them to repeat back ah what I'm asking them to do.
00:24:53
Speaker
or they start to ah attack others to take the spotlight off themselves. I referenced my teammates earlier. they They knew they were wrong in what they did that violation of the rules.
00:25:05
Speaker
They just shut up and they made sure that they were the fastest person in finishing first within their sprints. There was an opportunity for them to turn around and attack the guys that were yelling at them during our our punishment session.
00:25:19
Speaker
And... They refused to. they they They took responsibility in sense by by fighting and pushing and being ah model how all of us needed to run those reps.
00:25:31
Speaker
And then then there's discredit discrediting the messenger. So a form of deflection. why should Why should I even listen to you? Now that is very common within kid to parent relationships.
00:25:44
Speaker
I hope that the kids do not bring that up to a coach based off things that they've seen a coach do that's not representative of the values of the team. So discrediting the person who's trying to to help them and keep them in line.
00:26:00
Speaker
Very common within a team captain relationship is all the social situations within high school and college teams. So make sure we got the right people in place.
00:26:11
Speaker
that are willing to have value and back up the messages that they're they're they're giving.
Leadership Responsibilities in Escalation
00:26:16
Speaker
And agency is a a core value within captains and coaches.
00:26:21
Speaker
I want athletes, I want leaders to be making their own decisions. So all of these these rules in place and tools that I i handed off here, they lead to agency and helping leaders make the appropriate ah decisions and then they can help others, not scold them or ah shame them for their decisions as teammates, but help lead them to making responsible decisions later on the future.
00:26:50
Speaker
All right, two more rules to cover. Number four, use the red flag wisely. Know when to fold them and call coach.
00:27:02
Speaker
Not every single problem as a team captain needs to be delivered to coach. There are certain things that must be escalated up to coach, and that is going to be between the captain and the coach. Coach, establish clear boundaries that if these are violated, you need to hear about it from your team captain, period, end of story.
00:27:23
Speaker
If you're hearing about it from school administration or worse, That's going to be a problem from not only the team captain, but the whole freaking team, which was our case um from from Coach Reynolds on this particular event I mentioned earlier.
00:27:38
Speaker
So that that being said, like as a team captain, don't go tattling on every little thing and – telling coach every little thing. There are certain things that need to be confronted as a team captain.
00:27:56
Speaker
And ah filter for this, if it's potentially dangerous for an individual and threatens their ah threatens their livelihood, threatens their life, threatens their ability to stay in school, ah can truly negatively pack affect the team, you've got to send that up the flagpole to coach.
00:28:17
Speaker
If it is a conflict, And it's it's between teammates. If it's ah between leader and another teammate. If it's a behavior that is getting in the way of that individual's success and has potential to drag others down, then...
00:28:38
Speaker
Captains take on that responsibility. But if the conflict lasts three days, now I need you to send it up to coach and be as ah factual as possible, be as level-headed as possible, and give them all the tools that you already tried to then lead this individual.
00:28:59
Speaker
So three days is the rule. and Maybe that's one confrontation every single day. Or if it's confrontation on the first day, you give them 24 hours to get their stuff together.
00:29:10
Speaker
Then I come back and ask them, is this corrected? Did you do this? then okay, then we're in a position to, all right, moving on. And we hopefully create a good leader because their life is better because that captain stepped in.
Learning from Conflict and Leadership Growth
00:29:26
Speaker
But if it continues or they're lying to you or they're continuing that behavior, now is a good time to to to call on the big guns ah for coach. that key relationship not only between captain and coach, but also captain and teammates.
00:29:40
Speaker
If you're giving them the opportunity to resolve their your challenges, again, going back to agency on their own, that's good trust. But once they violate that trust with you, if they say they're going to stop that behavior and they continue it, you check in on it and it hasn't changed at all, okay, well, let's let's get the guy that controls the playing time in here and maybe you'll value that.
00:30:05
Speaker
So ah that that is a sense of the the humble swagger we're speaking of, where I'm keeping the the collective trust and wisdom of the team together, but at the same time, if the decisions, the behaviors are affecting the whole organization, I got a call on the guy who's truly livelihood relies on our graduating, our winning, our success on and off the field,
00:30:30
Speaker
Because that's the other thing with coaching. And this is maybe a little tangent, but if I'm a college coach, my livelihood relies on the decisions of 18 to 23, 24 year olds I got to be teaching them something or else I won't be there very long.
00:30:45
Speaker
Okay. Last one, last non-negotiable review the tape, learn, adjust and grow mistakes. Conflict. As I mentioned to start the show is inevitable.
00:30:57
Speaker
Make it good, a good conflict that we can continue to grow from. And as, I mean, athletes within the high school and the college realm, this is an environment where we're we're allowed to fail. The consequences affect me and you, coach, the team, on a very a small, controllable environment and scale.
00:31:20
Speaker
It's not tearing people's lives down. Hopefully some of those decisions, but these are all things to consider. This is an environment and arena where we can learn how to lead. We can learn how to fail. We can learn how ah our agency, our decision-making affects others before we step out into a career that could potentially end if so if my behaviors were not confronted then.
00:31:46
Speaker
So we're we're aiming to get reps resolving conflict. I mentioned that ah time that I public spoke in front of the whole team, voice cracking, super emotional, yeah and don't know if anybody listened.
00:32:03
Speaker
But I mean, they felt, I remember how I felt. I couldn't tell you the words that I said, but I remember how that felt in the moment, just expressing how much ah the team meant to me and hoping that the dudes listened and saw what a what a leader represented and um but that that it was more than the going out on Tuesday nights. There's plenty of Tuesday nights to go out on the off season.
00:32:29
Speaker
When we have our focus time, let's focus. So ah those those are our tools there. i'll I'll review them to close it out. um But just want to to to put one more layer on this. so we have our goals. We have our tools.
00:32:46
Speaker
um There are two types of resolution that you need to truly close the book and move on from this. And as I introduce these, I want you to reflect on conflicts that you've had with your your teammates or your athletes.
00:33:02
Speaker
ah the The first form of resolution, this is intellectual. Intellectual resolution is figuring out what went wrong and what needs to change. That's the easy part.
00:33:14
Speaker
The most difficult part, especially with this high school to college age group, this is emotional resolution. Very difficult. That's where you you open up your heart as a leader.
00:33:25
Speaker
You offer grace. You don't scold or shame them for their mistakes. You look at them as people. And now, if I'm able as a senior to remember what it was like to have the freedom for the first time in the fall semester as a freshman and getting invited to a party by a beautiful girl, okay, now I can have some grace ah for that that decision.
00:33:51
Speaker
So that that's a representation of it. So we can now talk about what went wrong. I can put myself in their shoes and that will help lead us to forgiveness. That will help lead us to now a resolution.
00:34:06
Speaker
And I'm teaching that scene that freshman how to be a senior captain when they get that opportunity versus just yelling and MFing and shaming them.
00:34:17
Speaker
So those two things make sure that we resolve both intellectual and emotional. I've seen a lot of coaches come out with high emotions and just try to hammer home the intellectual.
00:34:30
Speaker
Not going happen. Let's meet them on a 7, 6, 5. I can still be mad, right? I'm disappointed. Or I'm not mad. I'm disappointed. ah There.
00:34:42
Speaker
Okay. um That's going to help in preventative maintenance. I'm glad that happened in fall for us. We had a great run my senior year, beating some ranked teams and truly competing.
00:34:54
Speaker
So preventative, that's that truly set us up. Coach Reynolds handled extremely well, and that sent us up for preventative maintenance throughout the rest of that season. And our relationship certainly did deepen between me and that freshman class and did it lead to less conflict sometimes sometimes not and um did conflict continue to come for that team but that i mean that that was a good thing now i can reflect on those moments and continue to grow um
00:35:29
Speaker
So that's that's competitive empathy. I have passion and compassion ah for those teammates, but I can also see their side of the story and how it affects and help them understand how it affects the whole ah team. The team as a whole, our culture, and always leading with respect to them.
Conclusion and Call to Action
00:35:49
Speaker
So ah to to bring it all home, remember the fundamentals, resolve the issue, see the situation accurateracy accurately, own your part,
00:36:00
Speaker
um Yeah, with within our tools, I need you to play with respect. Class, class, class. Listen like a captain. don't Don't talk. Don't interrupt. Don't overplay.
00:36:13
Speaker
Don't overpower. Own your mistakes. Don't fumble your responsibilities. Number three, know when to throw the red flag to call in coach. and And yeah, number five here, learn, grow, adjust, because that's what that sport is all about. captains ah Sports don't teach these lessons. Captains and coaches together do.
00:36:37
Speaker
Um, you've, you've got the tools, you've got the game plan. Now go build better teams, build better relationships, make these lasting. Uh, what is hilarious. I just visited university of Notre Dame for football with my dad podcast, hanging out with the ah strength and conditioning staff, hanging out with, um, the lacrosse coach.
00:36:59
Speaker
And guess who I run into before the game? all the dudes that then had that that freshman ah party on that Tuesday night. So just freaking hilarious. They were on my mind and yeah, brought up this this whole thing. And we were able to have some some jokes and laughs about that moment and and many other, because we've been friends for a long time and many years. So that that's what it's all about. I don't hold any resentment.
00:37:27
Speaker
I couldn't even remember a lot of why that happens. They had that they had to jog my memory. So shout out to those teammates that that continue to, i mean, can I continue to learn the lessons for 20 plus years from when we actually ah laid the groundwork with that team. Appreciate all you guys.
00:37:48
Speaker
And man, it's fun to see them become business leaders, fathers, ah officers, and and all that our our team accomplished. So yeah, that That's the episode.
00:38:02
Speaker
If you want to support us, like, review, do all that good stuff on the show, ah sign up for the newsletter, captainsandcoaches.com. I continue to hand off these notes that I got with the podcast and ah make sure that you're able to get that toolkit, apply it, print it out, send it to your athletes, send it to your teammates, send it to your coaches if you're a captain who's diving in right now.
00:38:26
Speaker
that's That's all we got for the show. So thank you for tuning in and helping us raise the gate.