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075 - Why Boundaries Create Freedom, Not Restriction
102 Plays16 days ago
Stepping into an established program as a new coach? You're about to clash with teenagers who have their own "set ways" of doing things—and not all of them are productive. In this episode, Tex McQuilkin breaks down the counterintuitive truth that coaches who avoid setting firm boundaries aren't creating freedom for their athletes; they're creating insecurity and fear.
Drawing from 17 years of coaching experience across multiple programs, Tex explores why teenagers naturally resist authority, how past experiences with unhealthy boundaries shape their behavior, and what it takes to establish rules that actually stick.
In this episode, you'll learn:
- The two types of boundaries every coach must enforce: non-negotiable moral boundaries (respect, trust, honesty) and personal safety/health boundaries (the rules that keep athletes physically and mentally healthy)
- Why the "paradox of freedom" means athletes who can "do whatever they want" are actually the ones most likely to push back and act out—they're searching for structure
- The critical importance of consistency—and why inconsistent enforcement teaches athletes to manipulate around the rules
- Real stories from the field: the team captain who skipped warm-ups, the cursing rule that builds impulse control, and why stick placement matters more than you think
The Bottom Line: The more time you spend correcting behaviors and fighting resistance, the less time you have developing skills and winning games. But establishing boundaries requires courage—the courage to stand firm when teenagers test you, to be consistent when it's uncomfortable, and to prioritize their long-term character development over short-term ease.
Training - Old Bull Program - 7 Day Free Trial - https://bit.ly/old-bull-train
Education - Why They're Not Listening: Coaching the Modern Athlete - http://listen.captainsandcoaches.com
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Transcript
Introduction to Leadership and Boundaries
00:00:00
Speaker
There's a fine line between serving and being subservient. Welcome to the Captains and Coaches podcast where we explore the art and science of leadership through the lens of athletics and beyond. I'm your host, Tex McColkin, and today is all about boundaries.
Navigating Established Cultures as New Coaches
00:00:14
Speaker
Whenever you're a new coach stepping into a program, that's already established whether there's a winning culture or a losing culture. Either way, you have your set way of doing things and you're stepping into an environment with a bunch of teenagers that have their established way of doing things.
00:00:33
Speaker
Sometimes that's counterproductive. But those habits that each of us have are going to clash.
Setting and Changing Boundaries
00:00:39
Speaker
What we're going to be speaking about is how to acknowledge and change the boundaries and get on the same page with these student athletes as a coach who's introducing new rules and a new way of doing things that may be different than what they're used to.
00:00:55
Speaker
And... the The importance of boundaries, that's what I want to highlight and then small steps for you as a coach to step into that role. So where this is coming from, this is my fourth high school lacrosse team in four years. That four-year program before I was with was
Transitioning and Maintaining Connections in Coaching
00:01:13
Speaker
six years. I had a great opportunity in my town to get to know the community, each of those individuals and their parents. From there, I moved up to Dallas. I wasn't not going to coach.
00:01:23
Speaker
So stepped into a program with a great coaching staff, remained friends to this day and connected either when I'm up in Dallas or they're down here in Austin.
The Value of Early Issue Recognition in Coaching Experience
00:01:32
Speaker
Then last year, stepping into a private school. And after that first season with the program,
00:01:38
Speaker
Head coach was let go. Free agent, found myself a new team, and we've got practice underway. They have had a lot of success in the past, and they're used to a certain way of doing things.
00:01:51
Speaker
So am I. i've been This is entering into my 17th year as a coach. I know it works. I know it doesn't work. I know what things. I can spot potential injuries before they happen, whether they're movements or small habits.
Importance of Boundaries in High School Sports
00:02:08
Speaker
examples I'll get into in a moment here, but a lot of experience that I want to bring to the team that we can accelerate their development and then put them in a position to succeed and surpass last year's goals.
00:02:23
Speaker
So boundaries are the key word that I want to introduce. And boundaries are rules or guidelines chosen to live by in order to have good relationships and live a healthy, well-balanced life.
00:02:36
Speaker
High school sports is this great opportunity to introduce Boundaries, introduce healthy relationships with authority, give kids the opportunity to get their first reps in leadership and how to have conflict with one another, how to learn how to lose, how to learn how to win.
00:02:53
Speaker
So within these defined, established boundaries, now we can teach them about themselves and how to have confidence.
Managing Teenage Resistance to Boundaries
00:03:01
Speaker
and the The role as a coach, especially with teenagers, learning healthy boundaries is one of the most important concepts for us to help them understand and have that healthy relationship with authority and teammates. There is a natural resistance with teenagers, this natural attitude towards boundaries and for them to resist them.
00:03:25
Speaker
They don't have the life experience. Maybe they tried one thing and it was successful. And in their mind, that's the only way to do things. So then when a coach comes in and tries to change the way they're approaching this stuff, then, okay, there's there's conflict there.
00:03:42
Speaker
In the previous podcast with Justin Kavanaugh, Coach Cav, I talked about a feedback loop where this is kid moves, coach gives a cue, kid listens to that cue, hears that cue, doesn't apply that cue, fails, then guess what? Coach comes back, gives them in another direction, and that rebellion, it starts to, that rebellious wall, it starts to break down and they begin to listen to that coach as long as they're consistent and positive and pushing them towards the the appropriate direction. that That feedback loop is highly important. You can anticipate that rebelliousness. As a coach, I don't get offended. I get excited when I start to see the resistance go down and they're finally starting to listen. Maybe it's not on rep one, that immediate feedback.
00:04:33
Speaker
Maybe they need to fail 10 more times before they actually try to do it the right way. and more often than not when they do try that adjusted shooting technique or communication technique or whatever it may be it's not going to work the first time you need to be consistent with that and then that accuracy will start to to dial in for whatever it may be so that natural resistance the rebellion against coaching cues anticipate it expect it and then
00:05:04
Speaker
Stick with it. Continue to encourage and reinforce the the cues that you're delivering, whether it's movement or behavior, communication and leadership. And I also want you to be aware that there's this whole world outside of practice that the teenagers are going through.
Influence of External Environments and Parental Roles
00:05:22
Speaker
They are set in their ways. They're going spend more time at home and in school than with you at practice.
00:05:28
Speaker
So the other unhealthy boundaries that may exist within the home and the school You can dive deep as you get to develop a relationship with the kids to understand those. But at first, I'm almost almost expecting that there are unhealthy boundaries and environments outside of it.
00:05:47
Speaker
And then as I meet the families and connect with them, I can learn, okay, now they do have these in in place. Or the parents are encouraging me, coach, to then really reinforce the messages that they're they're aiming to deliver at home because they're getting the rebellious behavior.
Coaching Styles: Transactional vs. Transformational
00:06:05
Speaker
So the the unhealthy boundaries they might have been rigid or unreasonable in these external environments or even other sports. So now me as a coach just providing feedback or establishing a rule in place like no cursing or we always run on the field. If we're on the field, we're running. Wherever we need to go, next station, to go get water.
00:06:30
Speaker
So there is may may have been another environment where a rule was not... was not rigid, was was unreasonable, and the authority figure did not have the teenagers or the child's best what their well-being in mind when they establish certain
Boundaries for Growth and Confidence
00:06:50
Speaker
boundaries. I spoke a lot about transactional coaches. Biggest sign of transactional coach, if I'm putting rules in place or making decisions that are going to bet benefit me as a coach versus the long-term well-being and health and the the character development of my kids.
00:07:08
Speaker
So maybe their external environments have these unhealthy boundaries and you as a coach aiming to be, uh, do good or aiming to be transformational.
00:07:22
Speaker
When you step in and establish a boundary, there is resistance because of previous transactional experiences. Um, Also, another thing to consider here is the paradox of freedom. A lack of boundary does not create freedom.
00:07:38
Speaker
It creates insecurity and fear. We are aiming to use practice time to establish healthy boundaries for them to create an environment where they can fail with a mentor and get that feedback, where they can fail with their teammates and then come together to find a solution for the next opportunities. These types of failures in communication and mentorship and friendship, that's what builds confidence.
00:08:08
Speaker
Nobody's dragging each other down. they they They can bust each other's chops a little bit, but there is no demeaning words within the environment we're aiming to create. So we want boundaries to help
00:08:22
Speaker
steer us past these pitfalls and enjoy a fulfilled life, winning on the field and off the field. So there is this paradox of freedom where they can do whatever they want. That actually creates insecurity and fear. And more often not, those are the kids where I see them pushing back at practice. They are looking for boundaries. So they're acting out boundaries.
00:08:47
Speaker
against their teammates. They're acting out against the authority figures and they're they're looking for that attention. They're looking for those boundaries. So something to understand and how important the external environment is to success at practice. Okay, I'm gonna just going to focus.
Non-Negotiable Moral and Health Boundaries
00:09:04
Speaker
there This is a huge topic I want to continue to explore, but today we're just going to focus on two types of boundaries that coaches must set.
00:09:14
Speaker
Again, leaning into the purpose of protection and ah and mental and physical health. First boundary, non-negotiable moral boundaries.
00:09:25
Speaker
These are rules that define respect and trust. And no matter what, coaches and team leaders need to hold these athletes accountable. It's okay for them to make mistakes, but remember that feedback loop. We have to step in. Allow for the rebellion, but you have to step in and correct.
00:09:44
Speaker
over time, the volume, the amount of the mistakes or the severity of those mistakes will go on. They are searching for those boundaries the bigger the the rebellious drive is.
00:09:57
Speaker
So aiming to understand that these these are non-negotiable and they're defined by respect. This is being honest. This is being reliable. This is showing up on time. If they say they're going to do something, we hold them accountable to do it.
00:10:13
Speaker
and it's trusting teammates and delivering respect across the table to the teammate. Pat Riley, famous basketball coach and and admin role for many and NBA teams, he calls these covenants. Covenant, that's a very strong and powerful word. And he views these as system of shared promises and values that bind teams together, that foster trust, discipline,
00:10:41
Speaker
and accountability some examples from Pat Riley's career conditioning test Miami heat had a famous conditioning test I have no idea if they're still doing that but ah the the historic Miami conditioning test if you want to dabble go for it I'm gonna be throwing this on the old bull program shameless plug check that out okay So if they fail the conditioning test, they did it every single day until they passed. And these are professional athletes. Their job, their responsibility is to be in good enough shape. And where this test came from, it was from Pat Riley's playing career. He was the number 12 man on the roster of the the Los Angeles liz Lakers when he was an NBA player, and they kept him there so he would keep his teammates in shape, Jerry West being one of them, the logo. So Pat Riley, teammate of Jerry West, had to be the 12th guy on the roster and just push him during practice to make sure that he stayed focused in enough shape.
00:11:46
Speaker
We imagine if the best on your team had that same mindset and ability to hold every single kid on the team responsible and push them to not only be in shape, but also push each other 100 miles an hour at practice.
00:12:02
Speaker
So aiming to accomplish that, Pat Riley no longer being able to play brought that in the form of a conditioning test to the team. When he was with the Knicks, I love this, no layup rule.
00:12:14
Speaker
So if one of the the team teammates that he was coaching allowed a lazy layup rule, he would fine them $500. So even if there was no true defense that they could get to stop the ball, that you still had to finish through and then recover the rebound and get the ball going the other way.
00:12:34
Speaker
There was no laying up on layups for that. Otherwise, you were fined $500. This reinforced the importance of focus and defensive in intent intensity and urgency at all minutes of the game.
00:12:49
Speaker
So think about those rules where you have non-negotiable moral boundaries that are connected to behavior, attitude, and effort that you can continue to reinforce. And you need to to have your head on a swivel and listen for this. whether it's varsity, whether it's JV, whether it's freshmen coming in, or the weight room, or the practice field, or games in the sidelines, or on the field, have your ears up and you need to mark it.
00:13:18
Speaker
It is the the sooner that you can get that feedback loop in place and close that feedback loop on your expectation, the better. And cursing, I'm going introduce this one while we have the floor. If I hear a curse word immediately, it's 10 push-ups, five four-count push-ups, no cheating those, at practice. In my mind, cursing, this is connected to impulse control.
00:13:45
Speaker
Sometimes these kids, they don't even know that they said the words. I call them out for it and they're like, I didn't say that. And they genuinely believe that. What that tells me is low self-awareness. I need my athletes to have a higher level of self-awareness so that they can be coachable, they can know the true level of their abilities. So cursing, that is in impulse control. Can they control themselves in stressful environments? Do they know they're doing it? Low self-awareness. So situational awareness, you can't curse. If you say the F-bomb on the field for high school sports, that's a flag. That is costly for your team.
00:14:23
Speaker
okay Well, if I held them to the expectation, don't or the refs held them to the expectations, you can't do that at practice. Or excuse me, you can't do that at the game.
00:14:34
Speaker
And then I don't reinforce that at practice. Well, I can't get mad at them during the game. Otherwise, I'm just creating a faulty feedback loop and become one of the...
00:14:45
Speaker
unreasonable expectation coaches. So establishing this rule at practice, if I hear it, it's 10 pushups, I don't need contacts. You said it or you didn't. You got to own up to your responsibility and your mistakes.
00:14:58
Speaker
And then there's action associated with it to close
Safety and Consistency in Practice Rules
00:15:01
Speaker
the loop. If they directed that word at another teammate, whether it's because of their play or a mistake that they made, they need now to confront them and apologize and explain where their heads at.
00:15:15
Speaker
So it's got to be quick, it's not shameful, it's genuine apology, and then we're on to the next play. So they're getting that good rep there. So cursing is a big one. um Next boundary in place, this is personal safety and health boundaries.
00:15:32
Speaker
These are rules that, while not morally wrong for others, are necessary for the individual or the team to stay healthy and safe. Mouthpieces. You need a freaking mouthpiece to play a contact sport.
00:15:46
Speaker
The refs, again, are going to call it. They're going to turn the ball over and kick you off the field until you get a mouthpiece. This is a simple rule. If I'm not calling it out at practice, I can't get mad when they don't follow that rule at the game.
00:16:01
Speaker
So there's always a mouthpiece check, and we're checking on each other, encouraging the teammates to to lock in on that one. So there's also a rule. During my warm-ups, we have set rules on how to place our sticks and gloves so it's outside of our our movement, our change of direction area, about 15 yards. Why I have that outside of it, if they just run their lap and get ready for the dynamic warm up and throw their stick down and that stick is in the movement area, if there's a younger, less coordinated athlete or their mind is drifting off wherever it may be and they just step on that stick and they roll their ankle.
00:16:44
Speaker
Well, then they're out. And if it was not their stick that they left and someone else left it, now you cost your athlete a season or an ankle injury that will never go away.
00:16:56
Speaker
So one minor just...
00:17:01
Speaker
avoidance of this or just completely spacing out on this expectation has now cost them a field, a teammate for the field. So aiming to help them understand the impact of every little action that they have is connected to potential safety and health boundaries.
00:17:21
Speaker
This is similar when they are in future life responsible for another human being. Every little thing that do you do, if you space out on something, it could potentially be costly for your your family. So something to consider, and we're taking that into consideration during our warm-ups.
00:17:41
Speaker
that's That's one little thing I consistently am harping on. It's a new person every single day, but it's a small little shape, and I'm no shaming there, just helping them make the adjustment and telling them the importance of this. Why? Because I've seen it cost an athlete, whether it's a season or a nagging ankle injury.
00:18:02
Speaker
and So the the challenge here is... enforcement and consistency. where You have a whole field of athletes or you have a whole weight room and one coach or coaches that are focusing on very specific drills or scenarios or expectations themselves and they are not focused on the same boundaries. So if your team is able, that the the enforcement is the hard part.
00:18:32
Speaker
So if you're able to establish these as a team, and I'm going to go back to Pat Riley here, where I'm not the only one as a coach that's enforcing these rules.
00:18:43
Speaker
We're introducing these to the team and also including the team to help us establish rules that we're going to to follow by. Now, I as a coach can help guide these young men and young women to establishing them, but there they're in charge
Involving Team in Rule Setting for Accountability
00:18:59
Speaker
of this. So this a quote from Pat Riley's book, The Winner Within, one of the classics.
00:19:05
Speaker
Talks are great. But if things you agree to get applied on the floor, we don't need any more meetings. You as a team have set standards that you think will make us champion a championship team.
00:19:19
Speaker
We as a group will monitor each other, and I as your coach will enforce them. You mightn't you might not like the consequences of failing to get behind the team's standards. So there is a threat in there, and again, he's ah a professional athlete, former professional athlete, a coach of professional athletes, so he's got a lot more resources and levers to pull for his punishment. At the high school level, I feel giving them...
00:19:48
Speaker
the autonomy to create help create and establish these rules that's going to help build that buy-in and then now i'm pushing them and holding them accountable uh to to do this so the hard part is enforcing as much as i can pull the team leaders into this and build that buy-in the better um reflecting on career one of the previous teams i was at i needed to take a sip of water because man this this one hurt
00:20:20
Speaker
A team captain, no less. He felt that it was embarrassing for him to do the dynamic warm-ups before games. So there was always something that came up during game time where he excused himself for the dynamic warm-up.
00:20:35
Speaker
More often than not, it was an ill-timed bathroom break. He got away with it. I assumed this was a real emergency, but he was genuinely embarrassed of what the other team, which was static stretching, was thinking of our team that was going through a a a dynamic warm-up with very very specific formula and formation and rotations that I have in place.
00:21:01
Speaker
Then during practice, he got away with it during games. Then during practices, he would sit in his truck until the dynamic warmup was over and then make his way down to practice to start the skill work and the movement there.
00:21:15
Speaker
So I assumed that, hey, he was staying late after school to take care of homework or meeting with teachers or just genuine life stuff.
00:21:26
Speaker
But then the other captains informed me exactly what he was doing. How I handled this, I feel this is pretty
Reinforcing Expectations through Practice Routines
00:21:33
Speaker
clever. I put our stick work as our general physical preparedness warm up.
00:21:38
Speaker
So some light stick work. We're we're we're moving. We're cutting. ah We're getting our chili hot. And then as soon as the young man walked down to practice ready to go and put on his gear, then we began the the conditioning portion.
00:21:54
Speaker
So where i sneak athletic development into our warmup, now we just went full on, okay, athletic development and conditioning with the intensity of 10 cities. ah for for that 10 minute block.
00:22:06
Speaker
So I just move the practice blocks around to help remind him of the expectations and his team saw exactly saw and was aware what exactly what he was doing and that that crumbled his authority within the team. Sure, maybe the best player on the team, but when the going gets tough, they're going to remember more so some of his behaviors and actions and decisions rather than the the record in which we had. so that That hard part on the enforcement, and I did my best to to help close that loop and the importance of this, and um that leads us to consistency where I'm glad I had the trust of the other captains where they brought this to my attention when they became aware of it. um
00:22:52
Speaker
So...
Consistency and Fairness in Rule Enforcement
00:22:54
Speaker
Yeah, the the consistency across the board is going to help with with establishing the expectation the expectation and then building that trust. If I'm not consistent in my cursing, if I am cursing up a storm, but then asking them to do push-ups for days... Because if they said one or two words, that's not consistent. If I let one player slide who gets more playing time or scores more points for the team versus another kid, that's not consistent either. So there's all different forms of consistency. And kids notice this stuff.
00:23:32
Speaker
they are They are smart. um So the aim is to be as consistent as possible across the board for not only the coaching staff, but also team leaders and no matter skill level, all everyone is, is having an established line that they're hitting.
00:23:52
Speaker
So it, Aimed also in line with that have fair consequences. Violation of boundary needs to be built in consequences. Like I said, 10 pushups, five, four count pushups every single time, no matter what. That is a built in consequence. it's It's not going to. to change. Why the four count? Because that establishes a standard of chest down, chest up, versus some of these fast yeah wrestling pushups.
00:24:21
Speaker
I could film some of these, but I don't want to shame the guys. ah You all know what I'm talking about. So fair consequences across the board. And ah is expect resistance and testing from the teenagers. Like I said, the more that they test and push the boundaries, the less that they're having boundaries outside.
00:24:42
Speaker
It's also a quicker way for me to establish trust with them and really build that relationship because...
Boundaries for Trust and Respect
00:24:48
Speaker
i'm I've got enough friends. I'm not trying to be friends with these guys. So I can stand firm and i have specific reasoning and plenty of stories to bring to the table to reinforce why the expectations and the behaviors I'm asking them to do are good ideas versus bad ideas, a la my freshman year in college coach.
00:25:10
Speaker
Good idea, bad idea. So, um yeah, expect resistance, expect testing, and stick to it. If they feel that is not consequential or it's taking away, then the team is bringing some messaging to you together.
00:25:29
Speaker
versus that one individual who didn't like the dynamic warmup. So if the team presented ah resistance, we can use the warmup as an example again, then I'll be willing to listen.
00:25:41
Speaker
I've experienced resistance with that warmup being in the fourth team in fourth years now. So how I avoid that before ah before each warmup, hey, what do you guys need today?
00:25:52
Speaker
So now I build that autonomy in and they tell me, ham they give me a muscle group or they give me a specific movement. The hamstring scoops is a popular one. I don't know why, but what is that? I can throw 15 yards of hamstring scoops in there and it shows that I'm listening versus trying to push and force different tools down their throats that they're not ready for. They don't like And so the movement and the intent goes down and buy-in. I lose buy-in. We're not building in anything. So boundaries are absolutely essential for teenagers to get healthy and succeed socially, emotionally, and physically.
Defining Healthy Living and Courage in Coaching
00:26:35
Speaker
Coaches are defining what a healthy life looks like through these rules.
00:26:45
Speaker
emphasizing that coaches are defining what a healthy life looks like through these rules. The more time that we spend correcting behaviors during practice, the less time that we have to work on our skills, our schemes, our scenarios that are going to take us to the promised land.
00:27:05
Speaker
So that is winning now. I also want these guys to win later. And in order to establish boundaries, courage is required. Setting up and enforcing boundaries takes courage as a coach.
00:27:19
Speaker
And sometimes I don't want to do it, but I know what strong is. Being strong is feeling that pain of establishing a boundary and standing firm against their resistance because i know what's on the other side of that.
00:27:34
Speaker
I can have empathy, I can communicate with them and talk them through it to the best. And I know their pain. So it's ah it is important to to establish and set these boundaries, guardrails.
00:27:48
Speaker
whatever you want to call them. That's that expectation there is is putting them in place. If boundaries is a bad word, call these guardrails. Something that is supportive and safe as we're driving up a mountain.
00:28:00
Speaker
Create an analogy that is is new for them and and and keeps that connection and they can see that you care through establishing these boundaries and giving them the tools in place to bow with that. So that's all I got. I'm going to continue to expand upon this. Your big two that I want you to focus on, non-negotiable moral boundaries and boundaries that establish personal and health safety.
00:28:29
Speaker
That's
Engagement and Application of Lessons
00:28:30
Speaker
all I got for you guys. If you want these notes, head to captainsandcoaches.com. Sign up for the newsletter. I'll distribute those and many more for each podcast. So happy to give all this information away. I want you to apply it.
00:28:44
Speaker
Thank you for tuning in to another episode. you like what you heard here, rate, review, subscribe, all that good stuff. Until next time, thank you for helping us raise the game.
00:28:56
Speaker
See you.