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079 - Sports Don't Build Character, They Reveal It
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John Wooden said it best. Without intentional guidance, athletics can reinforce the wrong traits just as easily as the right ones.
In this episode, we explore the coach's critical role as the architect of morality in sport. Drawing on sport psychology research, wisdom from legendary coaches like John Wooden and Pat Riley, and the good book—"A good name is more desirable than great riches"—we break down what it truly means to develop athletes of character, not just competence.
You'll discover:
- The three pillars of morality in sport: Fair Play, Good Sporting Behavior, and Character
- Why prosocial behaviors strengthen team cohesion and athlete well-being
- The coach's four non-negotiable responsibilities: Define, Model, Shape, and Reinforce morality
- How to address hazing, bullying, and toxic team culture with zero tolerance
- Practical strategies to build moral resilience that transfers beyond competition
The bottom line: Wins fade. Records disappear. But the character you develop in your athletes lasts a lifetime—in their marriages, careers, and leadership.
Your athletes will become who you model, not who you preach. This episode equips you to build the kind of athletes people are proud to follow.
*NEW* Education - Captains & Coaches course, "Why They're Not Listening - Coaching Today's Athlete": http://listen.captainsandcoaches.com
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#CaptainsAndCoaches #LeadershipDevelopment #CoachingWithPurpose #CharacterBuilding #TransformationalCoaching
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Transcript
Character vs Reputation
00:00:00
Speaker
Action. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation because your character is what you really are. Reputation, what people think
Introduction to Podcast
00:00:10
Speaker
you. Welcome to the Captains and Coaches podcast. We explore the art and the science of leadership through the lens of athletics and beyond.
00:00:17
Speaker
I'm your host Texan Quilkin and today... I want to review a weekend that I had coaching.
Coaching Challenges and Ethics
00:00:23
Speaker
So actively coaching, I want to highlight this moment and opportunity of coach's responsibility that I felt was violated on my opponent's sideline. So coaching high school lacrosse is a fall tournament.
00:00:37
Speaker
I was head coach leading the JV team and our opponent, I had not seen them act this way towards the team. So coaches actively yelling and cursing their kids to get off the field, throwing the curse words. And then as soon as they get to the sideline, giving them a mouthful curse laden corrections.
00:01:03
Speaker
and certainly speaking down to them so in lacrosse there is a substitution box it's live subbing both sidelines are on either side of the substitution box so you are 10 yards away from the other team's huddle you can hear everything if you listen intently but i had no problem hearing everything that was going on the it it got so bad There's a referee that stands by the substitution box.
00:01:31
Speaker
So he and I, when he was on my side of the subs, checking subs, I called him over just for a brief second and asked him if he was he was hearing what I'm hearing and if there was anything we could do about it.
00:01:44
Speaker
And his comment to me is they're not talking to me. They're not talking to you. So it can't do anything about it. But they are they're being nasty. So we both we both saw it, but he felt not within the rule book that he could do anything about it.
Role of Coaches in Character Building
00:02:01
Speaker
And i want to take the opportunity to highlight that sports don't automatically build character. It must be taught. and it's our responsibility as coaches to clearly define model shape and reinforce that behavior so the behavior that i witnessed the ref witnessed my team witnessed assistant coaches witnessed and i imagine some parents on the other side of the field witnessed this as well the clear rise in sports poor sportsmanship among the youth
00:02:39
Speaker
I mean moral issues, not athletic issues. They did win the game. Four goals. We had four new players make four different mistakes that then cost us four goals and we lose by four.
00:02:52
Speaker
And clearly character was not revealed on the other sideline based off their success. So our responsibility as a coach, we are primarily the moral architects of the team.
00:03:05
Speaker
they these aren't athletic problems these are moral problems that we witnessed and this is why today episode it it matters and um i wanted to get this out because the real life story I had to, it took me a while to come down from that. I had to connect with different coaches and ask about this, sit down with the referee and be like, what's going on? What can we really do about this? Because within the women's lacrosse game, they have rules, a set of rules that's defending the sanctity of the sport.
00:03:37
Speaker
So they are prepared for this, but then it was not part of this. In a fall tournament, spring is the season. Fall is to get your feet wet, find out what team you have, and then truly print plan your practice plans on what you need to take into consideration and hammer during development before your first game.
00:03:59
Speaker
so some live action reps against an opponent that we can figure out who we are who we have and what we need to work on during the off season leading up to next spring so that that's what falls all about and Yes, the the the role and responsibility of coach to teach system. It's not just to teach the systems, the skills and the strategies.
00:04:23
Speaker
It's also to, as I mentioned, define models, shape and reinforce the morality inside of sports. We build people first and athletes second.
Morality in Sports
00:04:34
Speaker
And there are three pillars of morality in sport. From sports psychology research, it comes down to fair play, good sporting behavior, and character. Fair play is following the rules in the spirit of the game.
00:04:49
Speaker
Good sporting behavior is competing hard, but ethics are greater than winning. And then finally we have character, which four major components that I'm going introduce and really connect with today, compassion, fairness, integrity, and sportsmanship.
00:05:05
Speaker
So the quote I started this podcast with is John Wooden, be more concerned with your character than your reputation because your character is what you really are. Reputation is what people think of you.
00:05:18
Speaker
ah reputation what people think character what God sees character is reality and your athletes they need help developing this they need help shaping and reinforcing what this is reputation especially at the high school level seems to be reality but truly it's not character is reality So pro-social behaviors, I'm going to introduce this term because this leads to team strength and strong teams that can last the length of a season. Season is very long, it's a lot of practice, long car rides, bus rides, it adds up. We spend a lot of time together.
00:05:58
Speaker
So we want to highlight and build pro social behaviors. This is helping your teammates. It's respecting officials. It's encouraging others. This is the, the Jim Kiyobasa rule. Find one kid to compliment.
00:06:11
Speaker
This is a teammate, teammate to teammate, one kid to compliment each practice and you support cohesion and wellbeing. I keep an eye out for anti-social behaviors.
00:06:23
Speaker
and you need to address it, make them aware that we don't do this practice. Maybe they do it ah outside the field when they're hanging out with their buddies, but certain things we don't do here. Because over the course of a season, this is gonna break a team down. This is cheating, taunting, blaming,
00:06:40
Speaker
the The BCD blame, complain, and get defensive when somebody calls you out. This increases in anxiety and truly hurts a culture. I've highlighted a lot of different culture killers on the podcast before. Entitlement, resentment,
00:06:59
Speaker
greed, envy, all these little things, if I see them, especially in the fall, when I have time to get ahead of them, it's it's often just human nature, these little things, they need to be attacked, and then I can help lead pro-social behaviors that bridges that gap.
00:07:17
Speaker
So leaning into Pat Riley here for this next quote, if you have a positive attitude and strive to give your best, eventually you will ah overcome problems and be ready for greater challenges.
Integrity and Team Building
00:07:30
Speaker
Integrity compounds over time. Shortcuts crumble under pressure. This is why I love practice so much, because we have this controlled environment for our team to make mistakes, fail, and learn how to do things right. And over the course of a season, over the course of four years, this is our responsibility as coaches to lead young men, lead young women, and teaching them what leads to success and integrity off the field.
00:07:59
Speaker
So leaning into or model, define, model, shape, reinforce what morality means on your team. I need to define this.
00:08:10
Speaker
We compete fiercely and ethically. Compete fiercely within the rules, however you want to phrase it. We treat officials and opponents with respect. Respect is one of my number one personal pillars, leading with respect. And then people are going to go against that. I'll tell you this, we're going to see that team that we played against in the fall, the aforementioned team, we will see them in the spring. I'll lead with respect, but I'll tell you, assure you, the score is going to go the other way.
00:08:41
Speaker
Because compounding, I'm getting excited, compounding all the actions, all the behaviors, everything that we're building leading up to it, I know it's going to take us farther, faster, and we will build stronger athletes, character-based athletes over the season leading up to our our game.
00:08:59
Speaker
Certainly, there's going to be some breakdown, resentment, and kids quitting. Who wants to be treated like I witnessed them being treated? Nobody. And... Next up, defining we win the right way or not at all.
00:09:12
Speaker
So there's winning on the scoreboard and then there's leading and winning like we need to as a team. I want to highlight Logan Gelbricht, go back to that podcast number 60, and we talk about different forms of winning, winning the right way based off his collegiate his collegiate baseball coach.
00:09:31
Speaker
you so defining this you as the coach you supply the vocabulary your athletes use i don't want that to be curse words either but how they treat each other how they treat themselves how they view themselves we need to control that if there is even if it's just some self-deprecating humor or some jokes that are negative the team still hears it the team still feels it and eventually if one of one thing goes wrong and before a kid was joking about that negativity now it becomes true and it becomes a snowball and you start to believe it so any form of negativity we need to nip it in the bud immediately before somebody starts to believe that
00:10:16
Speaker
yeah We've defined it.
Coaches as Role Models
00:10:17
Speaker
Now we need to model it. And i I don't feel this is the hardest part, but for a lot of us, we need to increase our self-awareness to then model the expectation of morality when we step onto the field. So they athletes learn morality through modeling, reinforcement, and social comparison.
00:10:36
Speaker
So they are learning how to lead, learning how to react to a bad call, ah learning how in a huddle to stay composed under pressure to then step onto the field.
00:10:50
Speaker
So minding how we treat others, minding how we treat our peers, our coaches. Athletes are learning how to treat their peers. So 360 degree leadership as a coach, we have to model it, whether it's up to parents, to our coaching staff, or down to our athletes.
00:11:09
Speaker
They're going to see that. um So sideline behavior, I'm gonna really start to explore this. i've I've talked a little bit about the science of the sidelines in the past from an athlete's perspective. If they're resting on their knees, that shows me they're tired. Or if I'm looking at the opponent, they got their hands on the head, ah they're they're fighting and bickering with each other, we got them.
00:11:34
Speaker
I want to start to explore more science of the sidelines from a coach and how we can posture and be ready for teaching our athletes how to act and behave and where to look for new opportunities within the game on the sidelines live during that and um part of that part of that's motivation drill coaches can be a part of motivation drill as well as is communicating when we are fatigued when we are tired and that in manufacturing some enthusiasm and in
00:12:09
Speaker
peer accountability when our teams need the most if i'm making excuses as a coach they'll start to make excuses how i'm talking to the refs is going to be how they're they're reacting when things don't go our way and we must lead from the front we got a model first Next up is shape shape. Ways to shape moral behavior. you You have to reinforce the right actions. Don't just assume that they're going to do it and then not reinforce what a good job was because that's what they're supposed to do.
00:12:44
Speaker
That's poor leadership. If you see it, call it out. If they're picking up Gatorade or water bottles that are not theirs to clean it up on the field, call them out for it. So, or they're being a great teamwork.
00:12:56
Speaker
Teamwork. Call it when I see it. That's one of my my one-liners there. So, if it it happens, i have to reinforce it. That's going to be a good thing. I have to then correct, on the other end, correct harmful actions.
00:13:10
Speaker
how they're speaking to each other during practice even if it is joking maybe allowing some some loose banter before practice but as soon as we get into drills if they're on my time my 90 minutes now we're going to really correct that harmful uh potentially harmful speaking towards each other we're going to discuss moral dilemmas I meet with the team before every single practice and talk about the previous practice and what coaches notes were for that practice. Can we hold on to it and build skill on skill? Sometimes those are moral dilemmas. Sometimes those are efforts. Sometimes those are attitude. It's not just the technical.
00:13:52
Speaker
So that is modeling how captains can speak to those athletes. We're just introducing it. Eventually, I'm going to fade away from the start of practice huddle, but they've already modeled and I've shaped how I want them communicating to each other and then reinforced it.
00:14:09
Speaker
I call it good teamwork. Call it when I see it. And also teaching empathy, compassion. If they do make mistakes, teaching others how to build someone up following a mistake.
00:14:21
Speaker
If you see poor body language on the sideline, the head's down after they made a mistake, go up to them and make sure we're in earshot so others can help lead them up. or bring a teammate with you to help reinforce and encourage so that way they see and a good model and representation and maybe ask them to lift it up.
00:14:43
Speaker
Or if you see somebody with their head down, call another athlete over and say, hey, I need you to go pick them up. We need them in the game right now. So then I can ask them how that went, what happened, and help shape their leadership, their empathy going from there.
00:14:58
Speaker
And perspective, I've ah been through a lot more life, almost double more than double these guys lives at this stage. So what can I implement in perspective, especially the the perspective of a long season, whether it's at the high school or the college level,
00:15:18
Speaker
It feels like so much. It feels so long. There's going to be a lull. Then we're going to get to spring break. We're going to re revigorated, get some juice, get some more energy. And then, oh yeah, we still got finals going on.
00:15:30
Speaker
We're still playing and finals they are over. So helping them understand that the opportunity is so limited. right our seniors that are not going to college to play ball they can almost count the games that they have left on their hands and toes that's perspective that we can help put them in a position to understand because we have that so using our stories using our experiences to help shape and hopefully allow them to stand on the shoulders of giants and learn from our mistakes versus continuing to make the same ones that we did but we weren't there to then lead
00:16:07
Speaker
mentor and shape theirs.
Consistency in Coaching
00:16:09
Speaker
um So some examples there, I love to throw conflict into practice on purpose so then we get a rep.
00:16:19
Speaker
A big thing that and theme that I aim to instill with the coaches I'm working with is circling back. Did we close the loop on that? That's one of my big phrases. Did we close the loop on that?
00:16:30
Speaker
You saw something during the game. You pulled a kid, and then we were focused back on the game. Did we close the loop on that? kid we pulled mistake so they can learn from it and go back in there that's very important so always aiming to shape and close the loop on this and then put them in a position to ah try that mistake again and fail and then continue to shape some of them they they know better right and this is all about shaping they know better than you
00:17:03
Speaker
They're going to rebel against your cues, rebel against the feedback that you have, and they're going to go try their way again. Sometimes it goes in, sometimes it does not, but eventually it's going to get to the point where their way stops working, the walls come down, and they're going to start to accept your coaching. But you have to be consistent.
00:17:21
Speaker
consistent in your cues directions and the attitudes that you're giving them that's the big part we're gonna spend so much time shaping yes the better we define the better we model it's going to put us in a position to succeed and then allow us to spend more time shaping what we want to shape strategy technique awareness on the field understanding of the game the more time that we spend shaping behaviors and attitudes and effort and urgency the less time that we have shaping the technical skills and abilities for our athletes so that's something to take into consideration if i take shortcuts on attitudes behaviors and how they're speaking to one another it's going to catch up to us at a point a breaking point in the season
00:18:09
Speaker
And then we've got to drop everything and shape and run. Herb Brooks again, right? So something to consider. Integrity goes a long way. You're going spend most of your time shaping.
00:18:21
Speaker
All right. Lastly, I've said this too many times, but reinforce. Consistency builds culture. Praise athletes when they're doing it right. Don't not praise them. That's what I hate is that's the way they that's they should have done that.
00:18:34
Speaker
So then you don't acknowledge them. No, if they did it correct, praise them publicly, praise them privately. If we're going to correct, I don't mind correcting publicly. Just make sure it's not in a shaming way. Find something that they did well and something that they can correct and then give them another opportunity to to close that loop.
00:18:56
Speaker
create task oriented environment this is going to help you with reinforce and it's almost responsibilities before practice that's something as simple as checking your bag for all your equipment before your game bringing your playbook to practice those are task oriented if somebody does this i can reinforce it great job yes it's expected yes it's what they're supposed to do If they did it, I'm still going to reinforce and congratulate, fist bump, whatever it may be.
00:19:29
Speaker
We're also going to celebrate those pro-social behaviors that I talked about. Anytime that I see good teamwork, call it out, or sharing, et cetera, being polite to parents, I assure you we are going to be the most respectful, polite team in any environment and arena that we step into.
00:19:47
Speaker
and holding firm on team standards and this and includes the use of language it's 10 push-ups for every word that i catch aim is over the course of a season they start to one be able to control their own impulses and two start to call each other out they can have fun with it but you still owe that 10 push-ups if somebody calls you out We are building that character over time through small, repeated moments that we are reinforced over the course of a season. Over the course of four years, we develop some high-character kids through the vehicle of athletics.
Addressing Bullying in Sports
00:20:27
Speaker
So I got to speak on this hazing, bullying, maltreatment. This is often spoken from a peer-to-peer perspective, and we see it, you have to call it out, hazing harms chemistry, bullying damage, mental health, maltreatment is a moral failure and leadership failure.
00:20:45
Speaker
So empowering these dudes to understand the the fine line between bullying and banter. Banter, we're going to build the calluses, our ability to to take and talk trash and then still be able to compete.
00:21:00
Speaker
When it turns into bullying, if there is no banter back and forth and it begins to group piling on to one individual, that's what you need to look out for. Zero tolerance, zero excuses on this part.
00:21:12
Speaker
Now, this is the tough one and what I struggle with when you see coaches that are bullying and maltreating their athletes. I know the head coach of the team that ah um I'm calling out here and I i intend to reach out and and try to understand what is going on here. Is he aware of this situation that was incredibly nasty?
00:21:38
Speaker
um Yeah, i I closed out the game. Yes, we lost the game, but informed my team that I truly care about them and would never disrespect them in the way that these kids were treated.
00:21:49
Speaker
And that's not what lacrosse is all about. That's not what sport is all about. So assured them, win or lose, everything that we do, all the words that I would deliver to them, i have the intent of shaping them as young men, driving their character to make them better,
00:22:07
Speaker
through lacrosse and then hype them up because we got another opportunity to play them in the spring and i assure you they already think they won the game based off what today how today went but it came down to four mistakes by four new guys that we can correct based off situational awareness and the flow of the game We are going to learn from those mistakes, not be defined by those mistakes. We are going to win with class. We're going to lose with class. And we're going to take this momentum, take this feeling of disrespect that we have and bring it into the offense off-season training.
00:22:45
Speaker
That was the intent. So unfortunately, it was a loss that that closed out the tournament, but aimed to use that final speech, that final moment with the team to turn it into a a a learning lesson for them and building resilience through character. We are going to bounce back from that. They're and they're going to forget the score, but they're going remember the feeling and then hold on to that rep after rep as they get into this. so ah Wrapping up here, building character will lead to resilience and just create this armor that protects you from people that are acting out of character or trying to bring you down, pull you down, or take advantage of
Character Building and Leadership
00:23:30
Speaker
you. So it it builds the social competence to understand who is on your side and who's against you. you have some autonomy built in there because you're not being told what to think about yourself you're finding out and learning about what your skills mean to you and then practicing getting reps using your words to complement other people that kiyobaso compliments that he encourages so go back to episode 10 i believe jim kiyobaso
00:23:57
Speaker
the the president of the International Youth Conditioning Association, does amazing work, IYCA. And we're going to to to build so and teach self-regulation, how to absorb anybody that is speaking negative against you, and then use it on the field.
00:24:17
Speaker
So putting it all together, we talked about fair play, sporting behavior, and character. Your responsibility as a coach is to define, model shape, and reinforce. And this is how you build athletes who become leaders, not just competitors.
00:24:31
Speaker
And I can't wait to see this team again.
Engagement and Resources
00:24:35
Speaker
that does it for this episode i encourage you sign up for our newsletter head to captainsandcoaches.com i'm going to throw all these show notes into into that newsletter so like subscribe to the show do all what you can do if you are looking to grow as a coach i do offer online courses Latest one is listen.captainsandcoaches.com. That's all about connecting with athletes. Why athletes are not listening to you or putting the walls up and being resistant to your coaching. Maybe they think they're too cool for coaching. Well,
00:25:07
Speaker
That's on you to break down those walls. Stop blaming them. That's all we got for the show. Like, subscribe, shout out to our sponsor, Train Heroic. That's who I deliver all of my off-season for my team training through, well as my training that I'm doing, bold Bull Bull. Check that program out as well. It's all on captainscoaches.com.
00:25:28
Speaker
Thank you for tuning in. We'll see you next time. And be seen.