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Ep 12 :: Deliverance in Christ :: Brittany Simoneau - Pt 1
50 Plays1 month ago
Today Megan is joined by the precious Brittany Simaonea. She has a powerful testoimy of how the Lord'ss sovereig hand has plucked her out of the mire and clay. Praise God!
This episode does have some items that may be triggering to you. Sexual abuse is a major theme along with other mature topics. To God be the glory in it all!
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The Success by Keys of Moon
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Transcript
00:00:01
Speaker
Hi friends, welcome to Diggin' In. I'm your host, Megan. This is a place where we discuss the things that really matter in life. We cut through the surface to dive deeper. So pull up a chair because here we're Diggin' In.
00:00:18
Speaker
Welcome back to Diggin' In. Thank you so much for joining us today. i just wanted to take a second at the beginning of this episode to hop on here and just let you know what's coming in this episode. So my sweet friend Brittany is going to share her testimony and it's going to be in two parts.
00:00:36
Speaker
This first part of her testimony really is just ah to highlight all the brokenness in her life before the Lord met her. And it is hard to hear those times in our lives. But at the same time, um the idea is not to bring attention or give glory to the sin in our lives or brokenness, but it is to highlight the fact that we go through brokenness. And often that is where the Lord will meet us. And so Brittany does share quite a few things that are hard to hear. So if you're listening and there might be little ones around, perhaps it's a good moment to just hit pause And you can come back to this when they are not listening in. um It is a little bit more for a mature audience in that sense.
00:01:22
Speaker
She does cover some difficult topics right out of the gate. She shares about sexual abuse from her childhood very early on through her early teen years. And so there are things that she talks about, the repercussions from that, um how to heal from that, you know becoming an adolescent young woman and having had this happen to her. um And so as you might imagine, there's a lot that goes with that. um That's not the only topic that comes up that's difficult to hear, but suicidality is a part of the discussion as well. And so just some some other themes that might be triggering. So I just wanted to give you a heads up before we dive in Again, our goal, and I state it in the podcast, is that We always want to point to the Lord and to point to his sovereignty and his strong hand of deliverance. And so that's what this is about. By way of getting there, there are some difficult things that we have to discuss. So without further ado, here is a wonderful discussion with a sweet, sweet woman that I am so thankful to call my friend.
00:02:27
Speaker
All right. Welcome back to Digging In. I'm so excited to get going today. I've got another special guest. I feel like I say that every time, but these are my precious people. These are my friends. This is my sweet, sweet friend, Brittany Seminole, joining me today. Brittany, welcome to the podcast.
00:02:45
Speaker
Thank you, Megan. So happy to be here. I'm so excited you're here. So Brittany and i we met through our husbands because they are in a Bible study together and they actually have known each other far longer than we have. they've been How long were they doing Bible study before we actually met?
00:03:02
Speaker
I would say at least a year. Yeah. And then all the wives got together and we did some stuff together. Yeah. It was really sweet. Yeah, we did. We had a time where like the guys are always getting together. We need to get together and share our stories too. So, uh, and then through that connection ended up chatting and Brittany has a sister who is a good friend of mine too. So it small world all comes together. Just love it so much.
00:03:26
Speaker
So Brittany, I just want to hand it over to you for the most part today. such an incredible and powerful story in so many aspects. And we were already chatting before the show. going to have to have you come back on and share a whole nother piece of it later on. But today i just want to toss it and let you tell us about your upbringing, your childhood, how you came to know the Lord, how he rescued you from the depths and just your incredible story. I want people to know how good of a God that we serve. So I'm just going to toss it over to you. Tell us about Brittany.
00:04:01
Speaker
All right. Thanks, Megan. no Um, I guess I'll just start by saying that, yeah, i want to just only boast in the Lord um that anything and everything that I share here today, it's going to be a lot of contrasting between the darkness and the light. And yeah, some of it will be, you know, a little raw and, um,
00:04:31
Speaker
You know, I might even cry because, um yeah, i'm I'm pregnant. And um yeah, so still these are definitely just still like happy tears, thankful tears, all of that. Not, um you know, anything sad. So, um yeah, I'll start off by i by sharing, I guess. I kind of made like a little timeline here. I'll try not to fly through it too much. And you can stop me if you have any questions. okay Um, my mom was a single mom, um, since the time I was one.
00:05:08
Speaker
Um, so i had two older sisters and, um, I know it was hard for my mama to, um, you know, do that alone and she didn't have the Lord. Um, so we had kind of a moving around early childhood.
00:05:24
Speaker
She was working, you know, we're in school, running around the neighborhood, things like that. And, um, my first encounter with, um, sexual abuse actually happened between, uh, kids, um, peers. Um, I was probably about four.
00:05:44
Speaker
Um, and I, I found out way later in life that, um, you know, my teacher might've found out. Um, but like no one ever spoke to me about it. Um, you know,
00:05:58
Speaker
never explained anything, you know, about it to me. So I remember that happening. Um, and then my mom met who kind of everyone thought was knight in shining armor. um and he was a teacher and, um, you know, attended church.
00:06:18
Speaker
Um, they met and were married within a year or so. um, sadly, very sadly, um, this man was a total predator, um, and started to, sexually abuse me, um, when I was around six until I was, um, around 12.
00:06:41
Speaker
Um, and, and that happened daily, almost nearly. um and not, not only that, but, um, there was a lot of like it seemed like psychological abuse. Um, and then because we were attending church, you know, there was a lot of confusion there. yeah absolutely. Because i mean, we read the Bible all the time, went to church every Sunday and, um, yeah, we were, you know, preached at, there was a,
00:07:22
Speaker
what's the word, like a legalistic spirit and, you know, religious spirit, but yet all this darkness was going on, you know, in the home.
00:07:33
Speaker
um So, yeah, you said, I just was thinking for you, your first encounter with sexual abuse happened peer to peer. Do you remember roughly how old you were when that started?
00:07:46
Speaker
Oh, yeah. So I believe I was four. Okay. or maybe close to five. I might have been a young... Kindergartener something. Yeah. And was it someone older or it was truly like another kindergartner, another a person your age, or was it someone with older siblings? And you don't need to go into detail. And just for the audience's sake, Brittany and I have prayed about and talked about, you know, like what to share and how to share. And our goal here is to magnify and glorify the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and his work and that he has done while at the same time navigating through, it's important to talk about these things as mothers, um, you know, and, and just being able to recognize maybe some telltale signs. So that's mostly what my questions are going to be trying to draw out, not to, um relive any explicit sin or horrible. Yeah. And I, and i want that. I want, you know, people to be helped from, from my experience. Absolutely.
00:08:44
Speaker
And really just to also bring glory to God that I mean, he's completely healed me from all of this. So that's right and the amazing part. Incredible. Spoiler alert, God wins. Yeah, exactly. um so um So I believe she might've been slightly older than me. She was definitely bigger than me. okay And so I think, you know, she might've been an a older sibling um of a friend. um But yeah, it was one of those, you know,
00:09:16
Speaker
stayed the night at someone's house and went to school the next morning. And my teacher apparently knew oh wow that, you know, that, that day that something happened, it was off.
00:09:28
Speaker
Um, so, but I never, you know, it never got back around to me. you know, through my mom talking to me or anything like that, sadly. Right. Okay. So your mom, single mom meets this man, seems like a good guy, church going fella, using the Bible, what seemed like in all the right ways, but at the same time in such a young child, not knowing, not having perhaps that wisdom and discernment, obviously as such a young child, um you know, and again, side note, the scriptures are very clear about leading children astray. Right. And There's some very explicit language in there about, you know, it's better to be better to have a millstone tied to your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea than to cause one of these little ones to stumble. So um there is such comfort in knowing that we serve a God who is just and that. Exactly.
00:10:21
Speaker
He sees it all. You know, we were just studying in Bible study this week. Elroy, he sees, he sees it all and he knows, and he is the God of great comfort and, and all of that good stuff. But so this man entered your lives.
00:10:34
Speaker
Take it from there. Yeah. Um, so just the dynamic of our house, I would say, um there is just, you know, fear, um, just control.
00:10:51
Speaker
I would say control was a big word. um He definitely, you know, was, you know, trying to keep his sin under wraps. I i i do believe that he, you know, had my mom very manipulated. um And, you know, just digging such a deep hole. yeah um So, yeah, there was, I was pulled out of school at one point.
00:11:20
Speaker
And was said that i you know, had behavioral issues, which, which I did because sure this was all happening, but I was also just, you know, um, hurting. Yeah. Yeah. But, um, yeah. So that, that was a bit of the control. i I think, you know, that I was, I kind of felt like I was a slight like prisoner, you know, in the house, always in trouble, couldn't go here, couldn't go there. So I was, you know, sadly readily available.
00:11:50
Speaker
Right. and and the access. So, but, um, if, if I can jump to it came out, um, I was 12 and i had the the friends I had were church friends or home, like a homeschool co-op friends that I saw sometime. And I remember this one girl, I must've said something to her that was alarming enough for her to share with some some people at a church event, a church event that my sisters went to and I did not go to because I was at home in trouble. And everyone went, oh my gosh, oh my gosh.
00:12:34
Speaker
And called the church. my sos That's where how my sisters found out. They called the house. He answered, put the phone down and left.
00:12:45
Speaker
um And yeah, so, you know, my mom took me there and that's where they kind of found out. Yeah, that it was true.
00:12:56
Speaker
And I just remember after that, it was just this whole, like, like still trying to control the situation, kind of cover over the situation. The church was not that we were attending. I do, I do believe that the pastor called the police.
00:13:11
Speaker
Praise God. was more so the inner circle sure of family, family. I think that we're, It was like, forgive. We need to forgive right now. Here's some scriptures. Why? um And and at that time, again, I'm 12. So i kind of didn't really know totally what was going on. um And I was trying to please, I think, the adults and just kind of. um
00:13:44
Speaker
But i it came to a time where. the police were like, okay, we need to ask questions and things like that. And I felt somewhat coached to not say anything. And I thought that's what I was, you know, supposed to do. And so, um, so that's what happened. And, um, I didn't go to court or, or anything like that. And, um, you know, his, his, um, I don't know, sentence or whatever,
00:14:14
Speaker
ah discipline that you would call it was very, very, very minimal. Gotcha. um He, I think I should probably say, you know, he he is a registered offender.
00:14:25
Speaker
um So you said, you know, the the initial response was, okay, the Bible calls us to forgive. Forgiveness needs to happen right now.
00:14:37
Speaker
Was there any repentance on his side? yeah So, There was this interesting night where there was a few adults with the Bible talking to us kids saying, hey, we need to basically not talk to the police and we basically need to forgive.
00:14:59
Speaker
And then he walked in the room. um And at that point, i mean it was pretty quick, pretty soon after it all had come out and we were kind of shocked to see him. We didn't know.
00:15:11
Speaker
that whole thing was a little traumatic. Um, and he, you know, I don't know, I don't know if it was days or weeks or whatever, but you know, he looked like he hadn't eaten in a long time. He looked very distraught. Um,
00:15:25
Speaker
but just knowing how the story plays out myself, um, you know, it was, I don't believe that there was true repentance then. Um, and I think we were all Well, again, I was a child and I guess I wasn't sure.
00:15:41
Speaker
But once I hit my teens, I was sure that they but that that was not real. Right. Yeah. So this all comes to light. He kind of got a slap on the wrist, it sounds like. It really wasn't um much justice as we would consider it, at least in today's life. day and age. So you're growing up, you're becoming now, you know, that was 12 years old, you're becoming a teen and early adolescence. How are you handling things at this point in life?
00:16:13
Speaker
Yeah. so after that, we were living in Maryland and after that we relocated, um relocated to Virginia. I think we moved closer to his family for support. Um, and we we actually moved around a couple times, lived with our my mom's mom. And then I think my mom got a townhouse with us, but there was coming a time where he was going to be moving back into the home.
00:16:42
Speaker
um And I think, you know, that's when things started to build. And i don't know if it was, maybe I was 15, 16, probably more like 15. I started to realize what had actually happened. I literally remember just like waking up one day and it was like,
00:16:58
Speaker
what? Like, right um, and so, yeah, I naturally, know, started to get pretty, uh, fight picky with my mom, you know, like kind of asking her questions and, um, you know, questioning things and, you know, just, I started to have a lot of, um, anger.
00:17:19
Speaker
And then because I saw he he was around a lot and I think it was just hard to be around him. Sure. Right. But I'm not seeing once i once I think we were all seeing that there wasn't really true repentance. It just got like really crazy. Sure. You know, with the emotions and stuff like that. so Well, think too, sorry to interrupt you, but just to thinking about the timeline, thinking about abuse starting so early, you know, peer on peer, then said he was basically like six years old to 12 years old.
00:17:55
Speaker
Six year olds can't understand what that is. you know, like when it starts. And then I'm sure I don't know all the details, nor do I need to, but I'm sure that there was plenty of gaslighting. I'm sure you were told, and I should just ask you, you know, were you told not to say anything? Were you told that this was good or right? Or, you know, were were there certain things that were said to you during that time?
00:18:20
Speaker
he never said, don't tell any anyone. Um, it was almost just like understood or i just thought in my mind that that was normal. Like I do not remember.
00:18:36
Speaker
i mean, cause when I, asked him, talked to my friend, that girl, yeah i think I literally asked her, does your dad do this to you? You know, like that's, that was my question. Like I was like, is this normal?
00:18:48
Speaker
Right. Um, Because, you know, and at that time I was probably about 12. So the older and older I got, it started to be like, you know, but up until that time it was like sadly all I knew.
00:18:59
Speaker
Right. And nobody had really talked to me about that stuff. Sure. And so now you're becoming a young woman at that point, I'm sure, starting to blossom. I mean, that's what, like sixth grade or so, maybe a little bit older than that, I guess. Mm-hmm.
00:19:12
Speaker
but your middle school age will say. So you're starting to become a young woman at that point. And so then your brain does start to understand like, okay, there's something that this, this doesn't just happen with friends or this doesn't seem normal. There was something in your spirit that had discernment. So I can only imagine as you're getting older and into your teen years that your head's, you know, starting to to butt with your mom for sure. And, and having a lot of questions, I can understand that. So take it back over from there.
00:19:43
Speaker
yeah so that's um around the age that i just i mean i was in church youth group and i'll say just like growing up like i wanted the lord like everything that i learned about him like yeah i did want and um there was just a real disconnect obviously sure um but like my my fondest memories of my connection with the lord was always praise was always worship yeah
00:20:14
Speaker
So, um i you know, I would go, would say, my mom would take us, you know, we we were would still find a church and attend a church and I'd be in youth group. There was always this disconnect and I clearly had issues. And i just remember how people would look at me kind of and know that, ooh, this girl's troubled, kind of that that kind of look. And I know that like I struggled with that made it harder for me, you know, like, okay, I'm, I'm the girl, you know, that everybody is, you know, you know, worried about or whatever. yeah
00:20:52
Speaker
So, um, and I kind of, not to say like, I just went with that, but I didn't know how to change that. I didn't know how to just be different or better. Um, so at one point, um, well, I guess around the age when kids go off to college, that wasn't really like on the table for me. So i think, oh, and he was going to be moving back in.
00:21:18
Speaker
So I think I went to go live with my grandmother, my Nana and everybody in my youth group went off to Bible college or college. And I, um, you know, started working at like a restaurant or an ice cream shop and a restaurant. And so um,
00:21:37
Speaker
That was like the beginning of my life. Well, I'm going to find people that do care about me. I'm going to love. And that is when that, you know, searching started. And obviously i looked and i looked in definitely all their own places. So, you know, that's when i got my heart broken for the first time by you know, someone. And, um, that's when like experimenting with like drugs and alcohol began pretty, pretty young, like maybe like right 18.
00:22:10
Speaker
Um, and so I lived out of their home. He, he, he moved in and i lived out. I actually moved it in with an older lady who was like a bartender or something and had some pretty not good experiences.
00:22:27
Speaker
there. She was not a great influence. She kind of in different ways, um, you know, don't know if take took advantage of me was the right, like words, but, um, just not a healthy place for me to live.
00:22:41
Speaker
Um, and then, so I think I was around 19. my mom did call me and said, you know, would you please come you know, move back in with us and we'll help you go back to school. We'll help you go to Nova.
00:22:58
Speaker
And, um, that sounded appealing to me at the time because i just had some really rough, you know, months and days doing what I was doing. Sure. So I was like, I'll give it that a try. um but I found out pretty quickly that like moving back in, obviously with, um, my abuser was, you know, not super healthy.
00:23:20
Speaker
And, um, Just really hard. But I had, you know, the basement area and I rarely went upstairs and it was kind of like I did everything to just not be home. Sure. Like I only went home if I absolutely had to go home.
00:23:33
Speaker
Right. um so this is when, I mean, i I can kind of just like give you like ah a quick timeline here. of Sure.
00:23:44
Speaker
Okay. Got in trouble with the law two times, like back to back underage drinking and then a DUI on top of that. Right after that. um So I lost my license for a year, which was hard for a young person, but also, um you know, living in that home. Couldn't just leave whenever I wanted to. Right. So I made a lot of poor decisions there, you know, with that. um I just obviously had issues with authority. My my decisions were very self-preserving.
00:24:20
Speaker
I, you know, I was definitely numbing. We've talked about this before, right but, um, I was literally just trying to survive every day, but I was so inwardly focused, you know, on myself um at all times. So I made a lot of selfish decisions. Like I wasn't trustworthy. i was a total thief.
00:24:42
Speaker
Um, and yeah, so then, um, had another pretty big heartbreak, um, with like pretty much the only guy from my past that I actually like did, you know, care about for a time. Um, and then I've shared this, you know, this part of my story, but, um, there was like a breakup there.
00:25:09
Speaker
and then in my rebound, if you want to call it, right you know, I was, I was just, i don't know if promiscuous is the right word or just like, you know, didn't, didn't know how to say no, or just thought that that was, that was, you know, looking for love type of thing. Sure. Um, so i ended up getting pregnant and, um, did not understand,
00:25:39
Speaker
you know, a woman's cycle or, ovulation, or when I found out I was pregnant, I didn't know how long I had been pregnant. I didn't know, was it this guy? Was it that guy? Um, type of situation. And so i was instantly,
00:25:56
Speaker
um scared about like, Oh my gosh, I don't even you know know who to talk to about this. And I was you know still living at the house. Um, with my mom and and the stepdad. So I made, you know, probably the most poor choice I could have ever made. And well, I went to the doctor and told the doctor my situation and I was 21 at this time.
00:26:25
Speaker
Um, ah there was another person who saw me and and looked at me and it was that look of like, oh no girl, you are just a mess. You know, just, I just, um so she, you know, I was already afraid thinking all these different things. So ashamed.
00:26:46
Speaker
I was, um i think, I mean, I was happy that I was pregnant, ah you know, in one sense. Sure. And just very, very interesting mix of feelings.
00:27:01
Speaker
Um, this, um, you know, provided me the name of a clinic, um, in ah an abortion clinic. And I went there and made the most selfish, um, self-preserving decision.
00:27:20
Speaker
Um, with living in the home and not really knowing who the father was, um I was very scared. And I had tons of shame about the whole situation.
00:27:35
Speaker
And really, I mean, that just the thoughts of bringing a child, I would say mostly into that home or feeling like had nowhere to go. um But still, look like looking back, I mean, it was, you know, more self-preservation and more um like it was, I was afraid, but but it was definitely...
00:27:59
Speaker
um, selfish. And that just, that decision just shattered me completely after that. It was like total, I mean, I was already on a pretty dark path, but it, but it like plummet, there were so many plummets, but that was definitely one, um, and a huge, like it was just an instant regret, instant grief, um, instant. Yeah.
00:28:27
Speaker
So, um,
00:28:29
Speaker
Oh, and I mean, also, i think that people found out that I was and then I wasn't, you know? And it, like, not only did I feel the shame myself, but, like, it was, i had to, like, move, like, leave my job, like, switch jobs.
00:28:51
Speaker
Like, I mean, I was, I was actually, like, shamed. So, um, but... just so many things happened after that. Like I said, it was a dark time. i was always waitressing or I wasn't bartending yet because I wasn't old enough, but, um, waitressing and, uh, I was stalked, um, and someone literally broke into that basement of that house and tried to come into my room in the middle of night.
00:29:22
Speaker
Um, because I was hanging out at horrible, you know, places and, you know, not making wise decisions. Um, so, um i don't know if I've ever shared this part of my testimony with you, but it's kind of with the timeline, cause it definitely takes me to, um, the place that I was living. Um, the guy that I mentioned before, um was in a horrible car accident and, um, became a quadriplegic and I dropped everything to go,
00:29:56
Speaker
help and go to the, to the rehab center and kind of become his, his help for the next year or so. So that took me down to Atlanta and it was kind of honestly like my way out, my way out of the house. right Um, and I, during that time, like felt like I had purpose and i wasn't doing drugs. I wasn't, I would like, was all in with taking care, um of this individual. and but that ended in heartbreak as well, sadly. And then after, after that, that was another plummet because when that ended, it was like, okay, what now?
00:30:37
Speaker
Um, I think this is around the time when I got pretty like, dependent on, um, like my anxiety and not my anxiety, not my anxiety. Um, but the anxiety that I had, yes um and depression and just like, again, like I was so focused on just all the pain that I was in and the mess that I was in. And I always blamed what happened to me and others on why I was the way I was and why I was doing what I was doing. It was such an easy, like, you know, well, if this hadn't happened to me or of, I don't know if i spoke that out loud or just like thought that always, um, to myself. Um, but again, I was just so, so focused on, on myself. And that's like a huge part of, of my story. So, um, and that's why I was so anxious and so depressed because my life was so depressing. Um, and so i started to become highly dependent on anti-anxiety drugs.
00:31:49
Speaker
Um, and, um, like I said, I struggled with, did I, don't know if I said this, but I struggled with insomnia. Um, like I could not sleep without being highly medicated.
00:32:03
Speaker
um you know, was just fear, just anxiety, depression. Still, i was searching for love just like constantly, like somebody took care, you know, couldn't be alone. i had a really hard time being alone ever.
00:32:18
Speaker
um You know, I just kept making just horrible decisions and hurting people, you know, along the way and getting myself into a really messy, near-death, scary situations.
00:32:33
Speaker
yeah I basically... So I mentioned that I went down to Atlanta, Georgia, and I ended up staying there. And so I was pretty much alone. um My family, you know, was up here in Virginia, besides my dad in Florida, but like no one really knew what was going on with me.
00:32:53
Speaker
um And I didn't really have many like real, real friends, you know, just like coworkers and stuff. So it was pretty, pretty lonely. Yeah. And then...
00:33:05
Speaker
Um, so my, so my, i't know if you would call it addiction or dependence on these drugs was getting like so bad. Like the amount that I was taking was so high. It was so dangerous. And, um, I didn't have money, um, insurance. I wasn't doing this the right way, you know, not the right way, but like through a doctor or anything like that. This was like street. I was buying them off the street, very expensive. And at one point, so I knew I wasn't doing well, obviously, mentally, physically, I always kind of constantly had the fear of like, because I had been through so many crazy situations. I was like, I'm going to end up dead.
00:33:51
Speaker
um And so somehow I was able to decide that I was going to get off these drugs somehow.
00:34:02
Speaker
Praise the Lord. And yeah, it's it's amazing because being off those, you know, I do believe helped me to think clearly and find Lord. So, um but i I didn't realize how dangerous it is to just stop taking these. Yeah. It's like cold turkey. I literally had no idea. Can kindt ask real quick? You said you were doing two things. You needed something to sleep and then something to help the anxiety. So what two things were you taking, if not more?
00:34:34
Speaker
oh well, I mean, the the main thing that I was taking was Xanax. um And yeah, that's what i I mean. I would take that through the day just to make it through the day. But i mean, at night it was alcohol or other illicit drugs, you know, whatever, whatever.
00:34:54
Speaker
whatever was around. But also it's not like I was sleeping great at night. you know it was like staying up very late. And then if I eventually fell asleep. um I was going to say it was more passing out instead of actual rest. Yeah, yeah exactly. yeah And then my job, I think I only worked one lunch shift and I worked all night shifts. So I didn't, write i was totally backwards. Your circadian rhythm was a little funky. was yes And yeah.
00:35:23
Speaker
So your body's now grown in dependence on these drugs really just to make it through every day. And so you get this wild hair that you're going to quit everything and your body's like, Whoa.
00:35:36
Speaker
Yes. What just happened? Most people, I mean, I, I found out later that Um, normally people are hospitalized and they have to wean themselves off of this slowly, um, to not die. Um, and so what happened to me was very, very scary. I had like insane withdrawals, all ah but practically alone in an apartment, you know, would just come to wake up. Um, I, I think I had at least one or two seizures that I thought were seizures. I'm not sure. Right. Um,
00:36:12
Speaker
But yeah, just those withdrawals were pretty crazy to, to live through. And I know that the Lord, you know, definitely was with me through that.
00:36:24
Speaker
after that, um I tried to go back to work or function in society, but my mental state, it almost like got it got worse. I mean, because I did not have this crutch. I did not have this medicine and I didn't have the Lord. So what do you do? And I started experiencing very crazy symptoms. Um, I mean, I had these hours long day long panic attacks and I don't know if that's, I mean, I i had had panic attacks for most of my life, but they were so intense. and I mean, this,
00:37:07
Speaker
this was weeks and months after the withdrawals. Um, and so i don't know if it was just a withdrawal or not, but my mind started doing crazy things. Like i didn't think that I was breathing half the time. i didn't think that I existed. i think it's called you disassociating or something like that is the term.
00:37:30
Speaker
but I started to have a lot of like, it was like psychotic breaks or I don't know what it's called, but I started going around to my coworkers and I had to leave work multiple, multiple times. And then there was a few people that I would try to go to and confide in and be like, I am not okay. I'm not okay.
00:37:48
Speaker
And, um, and mind you, I have like almost no money to my name. I again, I told you, I like, I didn't have insurance. Like I wasn't really a functioning person in society. or um but it was getting, it was getting so bad. I was so concerned, like,
00:38:07
Speaker
I was so like, felt like I was, you know, in torture basically that i never planned, you know, to, to hurt myself, but I was so just in agony that I wanted everything to end. You know, it started to get like that. Like, I just can't take this anymore.
00:38:31
Speaker
Um, and, but I was also so afraid that I would die. Um, and just like, what is that? You know, what is, is going to happen? Um, and it's so crazy as I like, you know, mention all these things.
00:38:44
Speaker
Like i like, I believe that God was real. Um, but I never truly like cried out to him, um through all of these things. It was always like, why, why this happening to me? i never saw like how my actions or my decisions, um, you know, had me on this road that just kept getting worse.
00:39:14
Speaker
Again, I always kind of blamed, you know, the past and things like that. So I started getting really, really concerned about myself and my mental state. And, um, I decide I'm gonna find a local therapist and go see a therapist. Um,
00:39:35
Speaker
And I didn't mean to, I believe this woman that I found, I believe she was a believer, but I don't think I did that on purpose. I think that was the Lord. um but so I go to see her and I pay like out of pocket, you know, cash for that day to see her.
00:39:55
Speaker
I remember it was a Tuesday and I was pretty shaky, pretty not doing good and went in to talk to her and just, cried the whole time and told her my whole story, like as probably crazy as, as it could have been. Um, and just crying and telling her all the things. And again, with those looks that I've, I would keep mentioning, she is even this, the sweet woman is looking at me like, wow. Like I could just tell, like, she couldn't even help me, you know, like it was that look of, wow. You know that, um,
00:40:32
Speaker
And i think at the end, she had me sign these papers that said that I, that they, her practice would not be responsible if I harmed myself or something like that. And so I'm signing these. I'm like, what is this? You know, like that didn't make me feel good.
00:40:52
Speaker
All right, we're going to take a pause on that story for today, and we're going to pick it up next week where Brittany comes back and tells us just more about her journey of going down that path of finding the end of herself. And um she'll bring it full circle for us next week and tell us exactly how the Lord grabbed a hold of her and delivered her into His loving arms. And so I'm just so thankful for what the Lord has done in her life and that she has the ability now to to stand in victory and really point to God's sovereign hand, his delivering hand, just his goodness and his faithfulness. So come back next time and we will hear the rest of the story.