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Ep 3 :: Megan's Testimony :: Part 2
104 Plays3 months ago
In this episode, Megan shares more of her testimony once she met her (now) husband. Topics range from falling in love, the pursuit of "success", infertility, broken trust, restoration and redemption. Trigger warning. This could be difficult for some to hear, and may not be appropriate for pre-teens and younger. It is always Megan's goal to point to the Lord's redemption in ALL things!
"Oops, let me fix that:"
- I said Zumba a couple times when it was Body Jam that I loved doing!
- The movie was NOT "Prayer Room", it was "WAR ROOM" - HERE
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The Success by Keys of Moon | https://soundcloud.com/keysofmoon
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Transcript
00:00:02
Speaker
Hi friends, welcome to Diggin' In. I'm your host, Megan. This is a place where we discuss the things that really matter in life. We cut through the surface to dive deeper. So pull up a chair because here we're Diggin' In.
00:00:21
Speaker
Welcome back. I'm so glad you made it. Once again, i did not run you off. So praise God for that. I'm glad
Life Before and After Marriage
00:00:28
Speaker
you're here. We are going to continue the part of the story where love enters in. um i am going to just jump right back in and sharing and the second part of my testimony. I always kind of have... a one and a two-parter.
00:00:42
Speaker
One is pre-marriage and two is marriage and beyond. And so here we are. i kind of left you on a little bit of a cliffhanger last time. So let's close the loop and keep moving on the story. If you have not heard the first part, Um, maybe some of this won't quite have the impact that it would if you had the context of the first part of the story. So if you haven't listened, go back, pause right now, go back, listen to episode two, which is actually part one of my testimony. And that will give you a lot of context for what I'm about to share next.
First Encounter and Connection with Adam
00:01:16
Speaker
Um, So without further ado, jumping right back in, I left you on the cliffhanger of I walked in and i saw my friend at this bar on St. Patty's Day and he said, there's someone I want you to meet. And I turn around. Apparently the the person was standing right behind me.
00:01:35
Speaker
And he says, you know, he kind of gestures and motions. And Adam is standing there right in front of me. And lo and behold, this was the guy that I recognized that was at the top of the stairs at the bar where I was like, OK, Lord, nope, no distractions. I'm not paying attention. And I turn around and Adam's standing there and he says, hi. And i was like, hi.
00:01:56
Speaker
Trying to be cool, you know, how we do. And um so it was really sweet. We ended up chatting. We hit it off. um Funny story. Adam always tells the part where that night he was, you know, with his friends after having a client meeting. um He had come to his first job out of college in Roanoke and he was working full time and they had had a meeting that night with some clients at dinner. And so he was really just looking forward to relaxing for the night. So was I after the busy day that I had had. um But the Lord had other plans, right? So this friend of ours who ended up introducing us, he had tried to set Adam up before and Adam always jokes. He's like, I mean, I kept telling him, do you even know me? I feel like you just don't even know me. with the different people that he was trying to, the different girls that he was trying to set him up with, which is so funny. So when he said, I've got a girl that's coming tonight that you're going to like, Adam was very skeptical.
00:03:00
Speaker
And he said when he met me, you know, there was that that thing in your heart that the Lord was already doing. And then the the evening went on and he just knew like more and more in his heart that indeed this was good, you know. So anyway, we stuck around. were at the bar for probably three or so hours. Mind you, where I'm from, they have a big St. Patty's Day parade. That's like a big thing that they do. And then everyone goes from the parade to the bars and in Irish spirit are drinking. and
00:03:32
Speaker
And so there's a lot of people who have had too much to drink who are hanging out in the bar and everything. So there's a lot of loud, you know, there's music There's a lot of people around that are just not all with their faculties, if you know what I mean.
00:03:47
Speaker
And Adam and I were the only two sober ones in the bar. And so we chatted for a little bit downstairs. I love, love, love dancing. I grew up dancing competitively and and cheerleading and all of that good stuff. So any opportunity that I have to get on the dance floor, I will take it.
00:04:03
Speaker
So i danced a few different times with my girlfriend. And you know I really had no intention of staying out for very long because I had had such a a long day. And so um we ended up upstairs. I went to the restroom, came out, and he was standing there. And we ended up just talking. So we closed the bar down. That was at 2 a.m. m And downtown, people would spill over from the bars to this pizza place or to this other little hole-in-the-wall burger joint. And so we for went for gone, forgue. I don't know. we We didn't do that. He walked me back to my car that was in a parking garage and we stood next
Early Marriage Dreams and Aspirations
00:04:38
Speaker
to my car and we talked for another two and a half hours. It was about four or so in the morning.
00:04:44
Speaker
And I said to him I was like, I'm really sorry, but I have got to go because I need to use restroom. And he was like, well, without sounding too presumptuous, I do have a restroom in my apartment and it's right over there near the bar we were just at. And I was like, okay. And he was so kind and gentlemanly about it. He was really trying to make sure that I knew he wasn't being inappropriate in and any kind of way. And especially after the conversation that we had, which I'll circle back to in a second. So I ended up going to the apartment. He had a dog. Her name was Libby, a golden retriever. And she was still really like
00:05:18
Speaker
puppy at that point. And so if you know anything about golden retriever girl dogs, they are extremely submissive. And so she would do what golden retriever girl dogs do. We came in and he was like, don't do it. Don't do it. And she just squatted right in front of me and peed at my feet and He was mortified.
00:05:37
Speaker
So i helped him clean that up. And it's so funny. He always recounts that story. And he's like, I just couldn't believe that like my dog just made a
Our "Meet Cute"
00:05:45
Speaker
mess at your feet and you went and you cleaned it up. You know, you helped clean it up. So it was just sweet. And so what we had talked about, so we ended up talking for an IU's restroom, praise the Lord. And then we sat on his couch and we talked for another two and a half hours or so. And it was almost, and we fell asleep leaning on each other's shoulders, kind of like our heads together because we were just exhausted. At that point, I had been up for almost 24 hours because I had this thing with school the day before.
00:06:14
Speaker
And so we were both just like exhausted, but didn't want the conversation to end. And so i kind of like wo woke up at seven and i woke him up. was like, I have to go.
00:06:26
Speaker
i have to go to church. It's now Sunday morning. And so i was like, ah we'll connect later. we exchanged numbers because we hadn't at that point. And I went home, showered up and went to church. And so it was really just so sweet for that night. And then the next day we met up for coffee after church. He was then heading out of town for five-day conference. And then that following weekend, I was heading to out of town for a scuba diving, instructing scuba diving, whatever. i was going to get certified for scuba diving through my college in Alabama.
00:07:01
Speaker
So random. But anyway, all that to say, we had seven straight days just to talk on the phone and get to know one another. And both of us with our previous relationships, we so desperately needed that. So that night we met, let's say 10, 11 o'clock at night, talked until 6 a.m. And then that entire week we just talked. We talked via text message during the day when we could. at one point in the middle of the week, I was still at home and he was at a conference He drove and we met halfway. It was three and a half hours away, I think. So we met halfway after my classes at school in the middle of the night. We parked in front of a church. I hopped in his car and we talked. Yeah.
00:07:42
Speaker
And it was just so sweet um for both of us. And so went home and all that good stuff. But so that whole week we would talk on the phone at night. And then when I was out of town, I would have the phone on speakerphone and had Napster downloaded on my laptop because, you know, that was the first boy or ah music streaming service. And so i had Etta James and, you know, Frank Sinatra and, you know, all these just like amazing classic, you know,
00:08:11
Speaker
singers going in the background. And he was like, do I hear out of James? And i was like, oh, yes, you do. And so we talked about music and we talked about family. But even that first night when we met in the bar and we were talking, we both just poured our hearts out. And I think at that, all I know at that point, both of us felt like we had nothing to lose. And we were both surrendered to the Lord and like, okay, God, Whatever you're doing, I'm on board. And so, but I was extremely guarding of my heart at that moment, which for me was a big step in my faith journey because I had, again, just desired, you know, God, you promised me that I was going to be a wife and then a mother. And so I was pursuing every relationship with that goal in my mind and in my heart instead of my goal to love and serve of the Lord and then him to provide that blessing through my love forever. for him and first and foremost. And so when Adam came into the picture, I was extremely guarded. like we we shared and talked a lot, and I told him about myself, but i would I told guy friends about that too you know as far as you know my aspirations in life, which at that point had shifted drastically because –
00:09:22
Speaker
Originally was wanting to pursue this acting and modeling career and that all went out the window and I thought I might not ever have the opportunity to do that again. And I was really struggled with that because I didn't understand why i would go through all these different things for you know, training and this and that and the other, and then not use it. And it's pretty cool now to see that part of that was God preparing me for public speaking and being comfortable in front of a microphone and in front of just sharing with people the testimony that he has given me and given each of us to share. And so it's just so cool when God brings things full circle. And, um,
00:09:58
Speaker
Yeah. So we talked and talked and I had shared with him back at that bar that I knew that I was supposed to be a wife and a mother and that God had told me that and that was what I wanted. And, you know, of course, that opens up conversation. Well, how many kids would you want to have? And, you know, this and that and the other. And i i have a sister and then a half sister. And I always have loved the thought and minus reality TV shows, the picture that I have of Italian families. First of all, I love Italian food. I'm pretty sure my mom was adopted, so we don't know on her side, but there's got to be Italian blood in me somehow. Pasta, bread, cheese. Are you kidding me? That is my life. I love all of that. um And so
00:10:42
Speaker
i i I just wanted this big Italian family. And so I was like, well, I mean, ideally I'd like to have five kids, but if the Lord wants more than I'm on board with that, I'm cool. And he was like, yeah, I want, I want, I want a lot of kids too. And five sounds great, you know? And so it was just incredible. And so we met on March 17th.
00:11:04
Speaker
Adam said he, brought he bought the ring at the beginning of April But then he didn't propose until August. And after he did propose, I remember several different times just so excited and knowing that God had put us together at that point, like everything. We just submitted it before the Lord. We did premarital counseling at our church back at home. um When I say home, I meant I'm meaning my hometown home where he was. um And it was just so God honoring that I'm so thankful for that that building, um that foundation building from the get go. Now, I will say we did not do everything perfect. And we definitely, you know, if we could have a do over, you know.
00:11:48
Speaker
Which is unfortunately not going to happen, but also life lesson, you don't get a second chance so um in so many ways. um So we didn't do everything you know exactly to follow biblically what the Lord would have wanted for us. um But I know that there's grace over that. And so thankfully, um you know, god God has his purposes. And sometimes we don't always see or know what he's doing. But I just have learned to trust even in my mistakes and even in my messing up, he can take that and use it. to glorify himself and ultimately for my good as well. So all this to say, we got engaged in August and we got married in the following May. So we were together for about 14 months. Was that 14, 15 months? I was just talking this morning, trying to do the math in my head. ah
00:12:40
Speaker
and We got married. And so it was awesome. It was, you know, by today's standards, I feel like I consider it a smaller wedding. There were probably, i don't know, ah hundred a little over a hundred people there, but our wedding party was very small. Um, again, in today's standards, I still had five bridesmaids, I think. Um, so yeah, it was great. And the beginning of marriage was interesting. We got into our, you know, everything is, oh, engagement and we're in love and nobody's going to stop this love train and everything's going be perfect and wonderful. i mean, I didn't think in my mind it was going to be perfect, but I think in the back of my mind, I probably did. I do know and I always share, i think that I thought that he was going to rescue me from myself in so many ways and also from the hurts and the trials and the pain that I had gone through um before meeting him. And I thought that he was, you know, in a lot of ways, he was going to be my savior in that kind of way, not replacing Jesus, but in saving me from so many painful experiences that I had before. And so he also thought that entering into marriage.
00:13:55
Speaker
you know, all of his brokenness and his hurts and his trials, they're just going to be resolved because now we're married. And, you know, some of our struggles from the past were not, you know, now that we are married, you know, sex inside of marriage is a good thing, right? And God created sex for marriage. And so now we can do that and and it's all good. Um, but we had both had some, uh, difficult, and we both had our own difficult roads to get to marriage in that arena of things. And so your baggage doesn't just get dropped off at the door. It comes right on into your marriage.
Early Marriage Challenges and Infertility
00:14:28
Speaker
And so we always joke that our first fight was on our honeymoon because it was the very last day we were getting ready to leave. We barely at the time when we got married could barely rub together two pennies. You know, we didn't have a whole lot.
00:14:40
Speaker
And we we did scrounge enough and saved to be able to go on a honeymoon. Praise the Lord. And it was amazing. We went to Cancun. We stayed in a couple's all-inclusive. And it was amazing. It was just absolutely incredible. and But the last day, Adam went down to go get in the ocean. And we and it were oceanfront, hotel, whatever.
00:15:05
Speaker
And he goes and he gets in the water and I had said to him, hey, babe, you've got your sunglasses on your head. You probably want to leave those. And he's like, oh, it's fine. And he put them on his face. And i was like, I don't think that's going to work out well, but whatever. So he went in the water and caught a wave. Sure enough, he put had put them on his face, but that wave knocked him over and his glasses were gone. Now, they were Maui gyms. And at the time, he had invested quite a bit of money in them. And he was so upset and he got out of the water. and He was like, I mean, where are my glasses? You know, we got into this whole fight.
00:15:34
Speaker
Anyway, so his joke now always is, I still would have had those Maui gems if you would have just told me to take them off, which I did. Anyway, um so we got back from the honeymoon and marriage was wonderful in so many ways. We had a great time together. We've always been best friends ever since we met. And he still is my best friend today and always will be um my you know confidant that I tell everything to and vice versa. Um, but I would say, especially that first year of marriage, you know, you're learning to put two people together who very much live for the flesh in a lot of ways that then it turns into, okay, wherere we're supposed to live this sacrificial love life together. And I had to learn to die to self and perhaps do things that I wouldn't necessarily want to do at the end of the day, like the dishes. um,
00:16:27
Speaker
laundry. And at the time I was working full time in marketing and I was exhausted. So so Saturdays we would sleep in and then we would have a huge pot of coffee and we would read the paper. It was awesome. I used to love getting the paper and I'd clip coupons and then we would turn on college game day. It was just great. We had so much fun, but I struggled with a lot of anxiety at the beginning of our marriage and a lot of, and I still can tend toward struggling with trust.
00:16:56
Speaker
um just a lot, you know, like I shared before when I was in New York and everything that happened there. And I think now knowing a lot, I've ah ah done so much reading and research and learning about early childhood trauma and just trauma in general and PTSD and things of that nature. All of that kind of stuff was still lingering with me. And I didn't know kind of the weight that it carried and and how much it really affected my day-to-day living So when we would have a conflict, my MO was to to flee, you know, fight, flight, or um fight, flight, or flee. Why does that not sound right right now? But anyway, my i would i would want to go. And so there were a couple times that we got into a fight.
00:17:42
Speaker
or as my pastor puts it, what does he say? A passionate disagreement or i don't know, but we would get into an argument and ah sometimes it would hit a fever pitch and I would take my wedding rings off and put them on the couch and leave. And that was so wrong. You know, we learn so much as we go. We've been married. It'll be 18 years, 19 years. i can't do the math. this year. um And we we learned so much along the way, but now knowing and looking back, that was so, first of all, it was wrong. That's never a way to resolve conflict. But also the communication to Adam in that moment was, I'm done with this marriage. And that's not what I meant, although i kind of did in that moment was like, I'm done with this conversation and I'm out of here.
00:18:31
Speaker
And he was very much like, let's sit down and duke this out and figure it out and like hash it out and talk and use all the words. And we're not leaving this room until that's until it's resolved. And that's kind of more how he grew up in his processing, not for his entire family, but he really did. He and his mom were talkers and they would talk through things and talk through emotions. Whereas I need some space to be able to emotionally process. And then I've learned and not only, you know, before the Lord, it would just be like in the flesh, but now I need to step back, emotionally process, emotionally downregulate and
00:19:09
Speaker
have some time with the Lord to be able to not only process my thoughts, but also feelings, because I'll tell you right now, your feelings are not something that you can live by. Do not follow your heart, my friends. If there's any advice that I can give you today, it's that. Do not follow your heart. Your heart is wicked among above anything else it says in the Bible. um And when we're following our heart, it is not going to end well. So anyway, we have learned over the years and there's going to be layers to this. I'll just say that now. um I'm looking at the clock. I'm already 20 minutes in and I feel like I haven't scratched the surface, but there's just so many um so much to share.
00:19:46
Speaker
that I can't possibly get it all out in one setting. And there are things that we need to unpack in different ways. And so again, as I said earlier, it'll be kind of ah a flyover, if you will, on a lot of the topics. But we'll come back throughout the year and talk about things at a deeper level. But um so we were, like I said, we were married. First couple of years of marriage was really good. We had a lot of growing pains that we learned and and it was great. um And after we were married, I mean, I could have started having babies right away, to be honest with you. And I think that for Adam was like, well, yeah, but no.
00:20:26
Speaker
First of all, financially speaking, i don't believe that you're ever going to be ready for a child. Um, and I don't say that in a, uh, not callous, callous isn't the word that I'm looking for. I don't say that in a flippant kind of way, not to be responsible, but I truly believe that the Lord will provide in all things. And when I say that, I mean, he will provide in all things.
00:20:49
Speaker
period. There's no caveat or, but he can't work in this situation or, but you should really get your finances in order. Like, no, you need to be a good steward of all things that the Lord has blessed you with so that you are ready. You know, it it talks about in the New Testament to be ready with your, your oil lamp burning. Like we don't know when the Lord is coming back and we don't know what he's going to call us to next, but we have to be ready. We have to be ready to go. And so Get your things in order now, whatever that like in all facets of life. Do that now so that when you're called to move, you're ready to go. And it's not not move physically. But if when God's calling you to do something, you're ready to do something and you're not sitting there in disobedience and unwilling to do it. um
00:21:34
Speaker
So anyway, that was a rabbit trail. But to get back to the story, I was longing to be a mom. I did enjoy some of what I did work-wise. I was in marketing. And so I did, you know, as a membership coordinator at an athletic club, and then I was a membership director at a country club. And I loved the people aspect of that. I loved planning events. I loved doing some of the marketing stuff ah and creating you know a newsletter and things of that nature. that That was a lot of fun. But in my heart of hearts and at the the core of me, I did not like getting up early to get dressed to look like I was going to work. Yeah. It's not my thing. and and And then being there all day long and the flexibility, i had a little bit of flexibility, but I, for the most part, it was, you know, nine to five in the office and I just so longed to be a mom. And so when we were ready, I say we were ready, both of us were on board with like, okay, let's start trying. i Again, going back to I'm not a huge fan of um the medical industry as a whole in the way that it currently runs. um And so i I was not going to annual health checkups or seeing a doctor regularly, but I had some really irregular symptoms.
00:22:52
Speaker
cycles. And it started before the wedding, but there was a lot of drama and just ah stress that went along with planning our wedding. And so four months leading up to our wedding, I didn't have a period. And so I just attributed it, chalked it up to stress, you know, like It's fine. Also, i I wasn't working full time at the time. And so I was working out as a full time job. I absolutely loved this class called Zumba going back to my dancing days. It was amazing. And sometimes I would take Zumba at one club. So it was ah an affiliate of like they had different gyms. So I would take one class at one gym and then I would drive a across town to go and take it at another gym. And some days I did it three times. I loved it. And so again, i was putting a lot of stress on my body unknowingly at that time. um
00:23:41
Speaker
And so it was it was just a lot. and My body was like, what is going on? So I just, again, chalked that up. But when we were ready to start a family, it was like, you know, I should probably get things checked out and And so go back just a second to say, after we got right before we got married, actually, I had a cycle.
00:23:59
Speaker
Thank the Lord that didn't happen on the honeymoon. And then after that, I was regular-ish. I've always, ever since puberty and starting um my cycle, I've never been one of those ladies who are like, okay. I know on Tuesday morning at 8 a.m. the cycle is going to start. I've never been that way. It's always been, you know, 28 days, 33 days, you know, maybe not that much of a variation, but it was never like this, you know, regular.
00:24:25
Speaker
And so but I did have them come back and it was like, OK, well, this makes sense because all the stress is melting away. We're married. No big deal. But I just felt like, okay, let's go get a baseline. Let's check things out. And so we went to the doctor and she ran a bunch of tests and she was absolutely incredible.
00:24:42
Speaker
Dr. Martin, I love this woman. She, ah yeah that's like a whole nother story for another day, but she was just amazing. But she ran a bunch of tests and was like, okay. So she knew we were there for family planning, if you will, family planning. That's a whole nother conversation as well. And I she said, OK, great. So what have you been doing as far as protection goes? And we told her and she was like, yeah, at this point, one would have slipped the goalie. You know, you inevitably should have been pregnant ah ah by accident, if you will.
00:25:13
Speaker
At this point, all things being equal, all things being, you know, normal, if you will. And so she ran a bunch of tests and she was like, you know, your numbers are looking a little off. And she explained why she was like, I'm going to send you to a specialist, um, at this big university hospital. And he's a, what was it? An endocrinologist, a PD, not pediatric reproductive and endocrinologist. Um,
00:25:38
Speaker
And we went, had a three-hour appointment with him. And basically what we found out was that I was going through menopause at the age of 22. That's when I started going through menopause. And that i you know, basically my ovaries were...
00:25:56
Speaker
about the age of 40 to 45 year old, whereas I was only 22. And so my chances of getting pregnant were very low. We did ended up doing some blood work and finding out that I was a pre mutation carrier of fragile X, which means that I don't have the fragile X gene, but I am a carrier of it. And so if we were to get pregnant, the likelihood of having a child with either Down syndrome or trisomy 18 or something along those lines, a genetic disorder, um which I really despise that word and those terms. And again, these are conversations that we're going to unpack down the road.
00:26:36
Speaker
But ah the likelihood of that happening was extremely high. So he suggested that we go home, you know, all the normal things that you would think to do you know, I don't even remember, man, it's been so long since I've gotten into the details of this, but I think it's Clomid, which makes your pituitary gland, maybe, I don't know, FSH, I'm remembering all these things randomly, but Basically, what the drug that I had heard about that makes your body produce eggs, my brain was already doing in hyperdrive. And so taking that wouldn't do anything, um which is why I was having hot flashes. And, you know, it was it was wild. I mean, truly was going through menopause. Um, and so he was like, my suggestion is you go home, you try for a year and then you come back. You know, we talked about harvesting eggs and all this, that, and the other, I had so few eggs at the time that he said the likelihood of doing some sort of, um, you know, in vitro or whatever outside of the womb, those eggs had a better likelihood of surviving in the, in the womb, in my ovaries, in my body. then taking them out and doing it scientifically, medically, whatever you want to say.
00:27:49
Speaker
And I was devastated. That is a huge part of my testimony for sure that, again, i'm not going to get into today in the depths of it other than to say that was probably, as a believer, one of the first days dark, dark, darkest times of my walk and just being so broken by the fact that I had this desperate desire in my heart to be a mom. And I felt like basically the Lord was saying no now.
00:28:19
Speaker
And he wasn't. But that's how it felt in that time. I felt abandoned. And Adam, I will say, was so incredibly encouraging and just he was just so wonderful during that time. I remember it just being so heavy and so, so dark for me. You know, I mean, to open up my Bible was a difficulty and I knew that I needed to be plugged in with a body of believers. And so i would go to my Bible study group, but I really wouldn't talk sometimes. And I would just, you know, I'd be angry and I'm like, I'm going to go just because I made this commitment, but I'm not, not really mentally there.
00:28:53
Speaker
I, you know, it was just out of obedience and I had a haughty attitude about it at times. um And then there were times that I didn't go because I just couldn't face people, you know, and I'll never forget that 4th of July when we had found out that we probably were going to have children of our own. um That 4th of July, there was a an area in the city that I'm from where we could drive up and kind of be in a parking lot to get a good perch to see fireworks, but be alone and not be around anyone. And I packed a little cooler full of some popsicles and Adam and I went up there and we watched fireworks and ate a couple popsicles and came home. And I remember feeling terrible because I was keeping him from um fun, but I just, I couldn't people at the time.
00:29:38
Speaker
And so that was July 4th and we tried and i had cycles and it was like at that point, you know, you want to have a regular cycle. But at that point I was like, every time I would, it was just a reminder that i wasn't pregnant and it was so hard. And i remember asking my doctor, I was like, I can't, I'm, I'm going to go broke if I just keep buying, you know, whatever was it pure, pure blue or whatever those pregnancies are, it's tests are. They're like $15 a pop. I'm like, I can't afford this. and She was like, girl, just go to the dollar store and get a bunch of the pregnancy tests. It's the same thing. And if you get a positive, then take another one. um But she was like, do that. And so I did. i went and got a ton of pregnancy tests. And usually when I got a negative, you know, i I didn't test again. And it was just negative after negative after negative. And so on a whim, I had a back to my coupon clipping days.
00:30:31
Speaker
I had a coupon for clear blue. That's what it was. And it was the one that like says pregnant, not pregnant instead of just the double lines or whatever. and I remember picking it up at the store and being like, this is going to be a special one because I'm going to use this when I really think I'm pregnant. and so December that year was really hard and January rolled around. And I remember just not feeling amazing. And Adam was getting a shower and i was like, I'll just take a test and see. And I used that clear blue ah pregnancy test. And I did the test, put it on the counter, went and got dressed because, again, we're getting ready for work these days.
00:31:17
Speaker
And I come back in and I look at it and I was like, um my gosh And I looked away and I looked at it again. like, rub my eyes. I'm like, it's something. And i said, Adam, and he was in the shower and he goes, what's wrong? Are you okay? You know, like he, yeah after the fact talking about it, he's like, I thought somebody had broken into our house and was coming into the bathroom. Like he didn't know what was wrong. And I was like, I just took a pregnancy test and it says positive. And he was like, oh my gosh. And he was like, okay, all right, let's stay calm. Let's not get too excited. Like yeah this is good, you know? And, but he was so sweet because he was trying to protect my heart at the same time if it was a false positive. And so I just remember the next like 24 hours was like trying to do anything, but I could not focus on any one thing because I called my doctor immediately and she was like, come in, we're going do a blood test and that'll tell us. And so we did. And indeed i was pregnant and that was eight months after being told that we were not going to have a child of our own. And I will just say there was a lot of tears and praying and just, there was a lot in between there. And I know my story in that is a happy one and praise God, like there's so much to be thankful for, even in the valley of the, the desperation And I know that's not always the case for everyone. And so I just want to be sensitive to that and just say if that's your story and if you've gone through pregnancy loss, I'm with you. i had quite a few losses after that, um you know, after our son was born. And it is...
00:32:47
Speaker
It's so hard. And you know just thinking about it now and going back there, my heart aches for those mothers, especially the ones that you know are sisters in Christ that are these beautiful women and they just they want to honor and love the Lord and they're married and you know they're they're doing it in the right way, you know quote unquote, as far as doing doing things right. They getting married first and then having kids. And, um, you know, my heart just breaks for, for that. And, and so if that's you, sister, I love you. And I'm giving you a big virtual hug right now and just praying for your sweet heart and just stay with the Lord. He will not lead you astray. He will never leave you or forsake you. And, um, he loves you and he sees you l Roy, the God who sees. And so, um, I just want to encourage you in that piece of the story.
00:33:38
Speaker
But so, yeah, I was pregnant in January and our son was born in September. And I remember when he came out and like I had said earlier, there was a high probability that he could have something, you know,
00:33:52
Speaker
wrong with him, if you will. And I remember all throughout the pregnancy, you know, this test and that test. And I wasn't considered high risk, but I was higher risk. And so they offered a couple of other items. And I told, we told our doctor and her nurse at the beginning, we're not doing any of the testing.
00:34:08
Speaker
We want to make sure, you know, I'm healthy. I'm getting all the supplements and that type of thing. We'll do the checkups. We'll do the ultrasounds. We'll listen, all the happy things and the normal things, but we're not doing any testing outside of that.
00:34:21
Speaker
And, um, you know, people have said before, and we had a couple of people say, you know, if there is something, then you really should, it's better to know before the baby gets here, just so you can prepare yourselves. And we were like, no, the Lord, this is the Lord's child. He has given us this incredible blessing, and whatever it is, then we're going to be okay with that. And we will trust that he will provide as he always does. And so when Noah was born, i remember him coming out. First of all, i also need to say and pause right here. i loved a pregnancy every step of the way. Yes, there were difficult times where i was like, oh, I'm cramping in. Oh, you're shoving your heel into my lung right now. And, you know, oh, I have to go to the bathroom again. And oh I need more food because I'm still hungry. And oh, my goodness, I'm so tired. I could pass out on to my desk right now.
00:35:10
Speaker
There were definitely those normal things, but hello, you're growing a human inside of you. There are going to be some things that are not normal to normal day, everyday life. But I loved every moment of it. And the birthing process, if I could do that a hundred times over, i would. i loved it. Even the pain, there's something so powerful in the pain. if you're pregnant right now and listening to this, can I just encourage you? i didn't do any drugs. I didn't do, like they made me do an IV in case we had to do whatever.
00:35:40
Speaker
at the time. And I know so much more now. i would have done things totally differently. Adam, I already wanted do home birth. Adam was like, absolutely not. We are not having home birth. You're going to be in the hospital. So we were not aligned on that one. So we were in the hospital, but i had an incredible doctor and um all that to say, you don't need the drugs. You do not need an epidural. You don't just, you were created by God, by the creator of the universe. As a woman, you were created to bring life into this world. What? Like, holy cow, that is incredible. So if he's called you to do that, he's created your body to do that, I'm pretty sure that the two of you can figure it out. you know um
00:36:21
Speaker
There's definitely things that you should do in preparation for birth to be ready for it and to help your body along the way. But my goodness, there's way too much medical intervention. And that is a podcast for another day.
00:36:32
Speaker
But all that to say, loved the whole process. And as Noah has grown, you know, he's a teenager now and in high school, but I loved and have loved every step of the way. I will say middle school years were a little difficult.
00:36:46
Speaker
wo Middle schoolers are funny. um But I just, I love who he is as a human being. I love the way God's created him. I love... His quirks, I love the way he thinks, even though sometimes he does drive me crazy and he knows this and he probably will listen to this. Noah, you know this about me.
00:37:03
Speaker
He is so such a deep thinker and sometimes he can't just take like an answer for an answer. He needs to think about it from every different angle. And I always joke that he should be a lawyer or, you know, some sort of, I don't want to say politician because that scene seems like a negative connotation, but he can just think about something kind of like an engineer, but but even like in a deeper way. And so I just, I love the human that God has given me to parent, you know, it's just been such a gift. um But to go back to our story, as far as like coming along, like I said, that's a whole nother
00:37:43
Speaker
ah Parenting and child rearing and all of that is definitely a podcast series in my opinion. um And there's a lot there, which we'll get to somewhere down the line if you stick with me, folks. um So anyway, Noah came along. Adam...
00:38:00
Speaker
ah He always, I knew he would be an incredible dad ever since, you know, we met and then I met his siblings and saw him with their kids. He's just, he's always been wonderful. And one of the things that he thought about doing was becoming, you know, a pediatric physician and um, or a teacher. And he's a, he's an amazing coach. I've He's coached Noah's baseball teams along the way, and he just loves pouring into those kids. um I think he had so much great coaching growing up, and so and he had a wonderful upbringing with his family, and he and his dad were really close. um They, of course, had their tumultuous time for sure in high school and him as his football coach and
00:38:41
Speaker
and things of that nature. But he just, he loves coaching. And so he was an amazing dad. If there was, you know, it was so funny. One of the things, quick side note, when Noah was born, you know, we read all the books, we did all the things. And i remember Adam saying to me, okay, Megan, you know, like sometimes the baby's just gonna, and we didn't find out what we were having until he Noah came into the world. Although as soon as I always joke, as soon as I peed on the stick, I knew it was a boy.
00:39:06
Speaker
Um, so Adam was like, okay, Megan, you know, babies need to cry. It's how they get exercise and it's good for their lungs. They exercise their lungs in that way. And sometimes they don't know what they need and sometimes they're just fussy. So it's, he's going to need to cry.
00:39:21
Speaker
The baby's going to need to cry. He didn't know his boy. And i was like, okay, yeah, absolutely. When Noah came home from the hospital and was crying, there were many times where Adam would be like, I don't know. Do you think he's okay? This was back before the days of like video monitors, which I'm just going to go ahead and say unpopular opinion alert. Get rid of the video monitors. Your children are learning to grow up under video surveillance. There's something creepy about that.
00:39:47
Speaker
I digress. We'll come back to that. um So anyway, he'd be like, I think he's okay. I mean, we just checked his diaper. He's fed. he's He's safe. You know, all the things I was like, go get in the shower. Just go get a shower.
00:39:58
Speaker
You just go in there, stay in there as long as you need to. I will sit sit here and wait for him to stop crying. He's okay. You know, and obviously I went in and checked on him and all the things, but it was just funny.
00:40:10
Speaker
I don't know why I told you that story, but I did. So there you have it. So anyway, all this I was saying, Adam was an incredible father from then until now. He's just always been so engaged. He was happy to clean dirty diapers, never bothered him. He's always happy to to take care of Noah when I had things going on or you know a girlfriend weekend or something like that. He's just always been been there, always.
00:40:34
Speaker
So to fast forward, and this is where we kind of get into the meat of the testimony of our marriage.
Infidelity and Emotional Turmoil
00:40:42
Speaker
2016, Adam went away for a conference. I don't even remember um where it was, but he went away for a conference. it was He was getting back on, you know, leading into Father's Day weekend and And his parents were coming to visit us. I had gone down. I had taken the opportunity to take Noah and go visit his sister and then visit my mom a little bit and then come back home and be here when his parents were coming from out of town. And we were all going to meet back at home, at where home was at the time. And I, excuse me, I remember...
00:41:12
Speaker
thinking to myself, something is off. And while he was gone and we were away in my spirit, I just knew something was happening. And let me pause here for a second and just say that in my spiritual walk, God had been preparing me for this moment three years prior. For three years, he had been calling me into prayer in a deeper way than I had ever experienced before. And then also, he had called me to pray pray specifically for Adam and just for his heart. So Adam gave his life to Christ as a little child. Um, he was in elementary school, his grandfather who was a missionary bapt baptized him. And, um, you know, he's, ah he's been a believer since childhood. And so i knew going into marriage that his salvation was secure and that he loved the Lord and, you know, all of that.
00:41:58
Speaker
but the prayer was for him to have a deep and abiding relationship with God. And then it would be what ruled his life in all facets. And then it wasn't this, you know, like I talked about before one foot in the world and one foot in the church, that it would be all in for Jesus, no matter what. And so I prayed that diligently for three years. And I also prayed More in that last year leading up to 2016, I prayed, Lord, whatever it takes, whatever it takes, whatever it looks like, bring him into this incredible relationship with you.
00:42:34
Speaker
And i so I would say from time to time, but be gentle. And so in 2016, I had this whole like something's going on. i remember texting him and just being like, I'm praying over you right now. And right before this weekend had happened where or this week that he had gone away for this conference, I had gone with a group of girlfriends to see prayer room, prayer, prayer room.
00:42:55
Speaker
Yeah. In theaters with Priscilla Shrier. And it was just amazing. And I had never seen someone have like a prayer room and, you know, just be writing down prayers and sticking them on their wall and, and praying diligently in that way. I had like a prayer journal and I would, I would pray regularly, but not in that kind of way. And so I remember coming back and being like, I am doing that. And so I wrote a bunch of scriptures down and put them all over my closet wall and, I put a pillow in there so it could just be in there and I could be on my knees and, you know, just go to battle for not only my marriage and my family, but also for my friends and for, you know, whatever it was that God called me to to pray for.
00:43:33
Speaker
And so um that had happened just before this. And so I remember a scene in that movie when the husband is, he was a pharmaceutical sales rep and he was out to dinner with some gal in as a business meeting. And he was about to cheat on his wife. And it that goes back and forth. If you haven't seen this movie, you need to, Prayer Room. prayer Am I saying that right? My goodness, it does not sound right. Anyway. um yeah
00:44:04
Speaker
I will tag it hopefully if I remember to in the show notes, but he, it goes back and forth in this sequence of her praying at home and like shouting out in the back door, you know, like in Jesus name, get out of here, Satan. You have no dominion over this house. I'm reclaiming this place for the Lord. Get out of here. You know, you're not welcome. There's a new sheriff in town and it's not you, you know. And so she's praying these mighty prayers at the same time that her husband is out to dinner with this woman and like thinking about stepping outside of his marriage. And it's just this like really powerful scene. And so I was praying like that in that moment. I was like, whatever you're about to step into and texting him, I'm praying against anything from the enemy. And I didn't really hear from him a whole lot, which was an indicator to me that something was going on and he didn't want to hear from me.
00:44:54
Speaker
And so when he got home, there were just some signs that I had seen from before that were like very indicative of something happened. And he was needing like affirmation from me more than usual. And just like, you you know, like you missed me, didn't you? I mean, just didn't you miss me? I mean, I missed you. Didn't you miss me? Like just really needing. I was like, yes, I missed you. Absolutely. Like I'm so glad that we're back together. But it was just strange and just behavior that was really off. And so – i went into investigative mode and into my like, I don't trust you mode and started going through all the things. He had a two phones at the time, personal and a work phone. I could not get into the work phone. They had to change for security reasons, the password ah frequently. And so I never could access that.
00:45:39
Speaker
And so i did discover some things on his personal phone. And that just led me into this whole thing of like, okay. And I built a file in my mind Noah was five or so at the time, and I put him to bed one night that following week after Adam's parents had left. And um I sat him down on the couch one night, one evening, and I said, okay, I know something's going on, and I know that if you don't come clean with whatever it is and tell me the entire truth, then we don't have a marriage, and I'm not going to do this anymore. I'm not going to pretend that everything's okay when I know it's not. And he was like, what are you talking about?
00:46:15
Speaker
And we can come back to in ah in an ah episode down the road, you know, all of that. And maybe the details aren't important, but I'm not going to share that at this moment other than to say i he finally came out with the fact that, yes, indeed, he had kissed a woman and i lost it, like just complete devastation. And it was, you know one of the darker times in my life.
00:46:37
Speaker
And in that next, you know, I made him sleep upstairs, but I also told him, you know, I, we are going to live a life as normal as possible for our son. He has done nothing wrong here. He does not deserve to, you know, deal with any of this. And so you are going to go sleep upstairs and you will come downstairs but and make that bed before he wakes up so that he never knows anything different. And, You know, all of that. And God was so gracious and merciful during that time that he protected Noah from so much that he had no idea that there was anything going on. It was just a season in life, too, where he was beginning, you know kindergarten and stuff like that. And so he was in school most of the day and I went and I would get on my bike and I would walk. ride for hours and just cry out to the Lord. And some days it was wonderful. And other days I was screaming and angry and just like, why? And all these things. But he, so he shared that piece of it with me. And immediately i
00:47:34
Speaker
told him he was going to to speak with someone. And I went to my very close friend um and mentor at the time, Jan, and I told her what had happened. And she was so sweet and kind and said, you know, my like Tim was walking through some stuff with a ah few other gentlemen in the same arena of um betrayal and and ah sexual addiction and things of that nature. And so she said, if if he's willing, then Tim would love to walk alongside him during this.
00:48:02
Speaker
And so he was meeting with Tim regularly. And in my heart of hearts, I was trying to work towards forgiveness in that. And I couldn't, like I could forgive that action, that, that thing that happened, but there were just like, there was something in my spirit. And now I know was just, it was the Lord holding me back from being able to fully forgive because there, I didn't know anything. everything to fully forgive, if that makes sense. And so he had been meeting with Tim for a few weeks and there was one night in particular, I remember painting the foyer in our old home. And i love painting, by the way, it's like therapy. um And I just remember being in such an incredible place with the Lord. I was listening to worship music in my headphones after we had put Noah to bed and they're sitting out on the back porch. This is in July. So it's like lovely. And I'm like, Adam's doing the work. Good, good, good. and so the next day i had planned, you know, and things between he and I were really rocky. Like we didn't touch, didn't kiss. There were many mornings where like I would get out in the garden with my coffee as soon as I possibly could when I woke up before he would come down from sleep sleeping upstairs. And there were days where he'd be like, okay, I'm going to leave now. And he'd be getting in the car and I wouldn't even lift my head or acknowledge his existence. Um, there were other times where I would keep my head down and I'll make eye contact and just like tell him what he was going to do when he got home or, you know, what he needed to take care of. And, uh, it was very, very ugly at the time and my hurt. And, um, so anyway, he went to work that day and i had planned like this fun little evening for us. We had a friend that had a pool and they were out of town. So I was like, we're going go over, going to go peach picking first. And then we're going to go over to their pool and take some, burgers to grill and hang out there for the evening. And we did all that. And it was just like this really sweet, sweet time for our family.
00:50:00
Speaker
And then we came home, we put Noah to bed. And at the time we had this like cycle of just popping on the news and having it on in the background, whether we were watching it or not. And then we would go from the news to something else. And the TV was just on all the time. And I just felt in my spirit. I was like, I said to him as we're sitting there on the couch right after putting out of bed, I was like, you know, we can turn this off. We don't have to keep this on. He's like, yeah, that'd be great.
00:50:22
Speaker
And I was like, something's up. And he said, I need to talk to you. And my stomach just dropped. And I was like, okay, and kind of prepared myself. And he proceeded to tell me that he had had multiple affairs with multiple women across the country over the last eight years of our marriage. And so that was rock bottom. that was the moment that like in my spirit, i first of all, I ran to the bathroom and I got sick um because that was a lot to handle. um You know, in betrayal ministry, we always talked about talk about, it's like a dump truck backing up and just unloading on top of you. And for the person that's sharing all of this and getting it off their chest, it's so freeing, but at the same time, it is so suffocating and devastating to the one who's receiving this information. And so
00:51:11
Speaker
I came back in and kind of gathered myself and I started, you know, just litigating is not the right word, but I just started like, you're going to tell me this and going to tell me that and going to tell me who, and you're going to when and where and blah, blah, blah, blah. And it just, I just like berated him for probably an hour. And he, i remember at one point he was like, I'm happy to answer all the questions that you have. And I, I will, but I just want you to know that I've already talked to Tim about this and shared everything with him because I wanted him to hold me accountable. And, um, he advised that I not necessarily share a a lot of the details because it could create yet another hurdle to heal from. And I was like, i don't care. And I use some really foul language. Um, you know, I don't care. This is our marriage. This is me. I'm pretty sure I'm the one that deserves to know right now. And so he shared everything. And I feel like I need to pause here and go on to like part three of the testimony, but I'm not going to, um, I will just transition from this moment to say over the next several months, I really saw
00:52:20
Speaker
the hand of God over my marriage, over me, over my son, over my husband. um You know, my, ah Adam went away, ah that weekend we were supposed to go and visit his family out of town and his parents. And I said, you're going still. And he was like, what do you mean? And I was like, I need some time to be with the Lord and to wrestle with him. And I need to be alone to do it. And I need you to take Noah and go. And so they did. And over that weekend, God just ministered to my heart. And I've got my Bible sitting right here that I had with me in that time. and
00:52:58
Speaker
it just It's tear-stained. There's so many annotations in the the margin of you know what He showed me and the scriptures and the Psalms. And I spent so much time in Isaiah and um Ezekiel and just listening to any any message that I could get my hands on about forgiveness and about redemption and forgiveness.
00:53:19
Speaker
you know, full circle and all these things. And so I remember calling Adam and saying, I want you to come home, but I would like to see if your parents will keep Noah. And at this point we had never done an overnight without him, um, just to see if he, would if they would keep Noah for one or maybe two nights. And, um, they did and he came home and I just, my heart was overcome with a need to forgive him and not only a need to, but a desire to forgive him because of my love of the Lord. And that's really what God just did in my heart in that moment was healed me from so much bitterness um that would come back in some ways that I would have to deal with yet again. But he did such an incredible healing in my heart. And so Adam came home and I was able to forgive him and we were able to just like full circle be together.
Forgiveness and Rebuilding
00:54:12
Speaker
And God used that incredible moment to bring us back together. And I will say, again, this is going to be, you know, series to come, but
00:54:21
Speaker
In that if this is if this part of yours is if this part of my story is your story, then let me just say that separation as i husband and wife in that way needs to be done, like physical separation needs to be done and with real intention and prayer and probably some fasting, just to make sure that you're doing it biblically and it's not to punish one another. There's a lot that goes along with this. And again, there was a ton of healing that had to happen in that. But in that moment, to be one flesh is so incredibly important. um The more and the longer that you are apart in that way,
00:55:06
Speaker
the enemy will use it to get a stronghold. He will use it to divide you even further. He will use it to plant the lies in your head and um he will just, he'll use it to mess with you. And so I'm just encouraging you that if this is your story and that is happening right now, then please sit down with one another and have a conversation at the very least and work towards reconciliation in that way. And even if you're not ready for reconciliation, just work towards that oneness um because it is so vitally important.
00:55:36
Speaker
So all that to say, 2016 was the year of destruction. 2017 was the year of rebuilding. And 2018 was when we started to share our story. And so we had the opportunity to do that at our old church. And it was just amazing to see how many people came up to us afterwards. I'll never forget, you know, the church secretary at the time, she was like, I knew what was coming because she would keep the elder minutes in their their meetings. And, you know, when they had...
00:56:02
Speaker
sensitive topics or whatever, she would take the minutes and then leave. But she knew that in this sermon series during the summer, our testimony was coming up, but she didn't know who it was. So she came up and she was like, I knew that this was coming, but I never in a million years would have thought that it was the two of you. um I'm so thankful that you shared, you know, and so it was just so powerful and it breaks down these walls. You know, when you share your story, people see you as a safe place, not necessarily because they've gone through the same exact thing, maybe nothing like it, but they've been through something else and they've been through something that's just as equally devastating to them and their story and their walk. And so they see you as a place where you can come and you, and they can share and be vulnerable perhaps for the very first time. And so that was just such an incredibly humbling experience and so thankful that we, we were able to do that. And, um, still to this day, I never take forget for granted,
00:56:58
Speaker
when someone comes and shares their story with me, because it's just such a sacred place to be able to listen and to hear and then to pray for them and um to know that God desires to set in motion healing and restoration and redemption and to give them a testimony to point to his glory. And it's for their good, just like he did for us. And so 2019, we really thought we were going into ministry. And so we sold our house. We, you know, like that was the last piece of debt that we had. And so we sold our house and we were like, okay, Lord, where are we headed? And that was, we closed on our house in December of 2019. We moved in some, with some gracious friends from church.
00:57:40
Speaker
They had a whole like separate apartment that was just perfect for our little family. And that was in December. And then three months later, the whole world stopped. Yeah. 2020. It was so crazy. um And that will be a whole unpacking that I'll do at another time. But basically 2020 was the year that I was completely just undone. um Obviously, the vehicle of of COVID and everything that we experienced in the isolation and things of that nature that played into it. But it was the moment that I really was forced to look at the the hurt and pain that I was still carrying around and didn't realize that was affecting my inability
00:58:26
Speaker
affecting my inability to allow Adam back in And also there was healing that I needed to do apart from him before I could enter back into our marriage in a deeper way that I'd so desired. um Because that was one of the promises that God gave us and gave me in particular was you know, in Genesis 50,
00:58:45
Speaker
It's when Joseph, um you know he was his brothers threw him into this well or cistern um for dead and you know thought he was gone. And then he ends up going and they took him to ah Egypt and he was with Pharaoh and he became Pharaoh's right-hand man. And he's basically over all of Pharaoh's kingdom. And there's a famine in Joseph's homeland and they come back or not back. They come to Egypt because they heard that there was provision there and they came before him and they didn't even recognize him because I'm sure he's in all kinds of Egyptian garb and this and that and the other. And, um, he sends them on this little test and whatnot to see, you know, is his father still alive and all of this. And they come and, um,
00:59:26
Speaker
they finally, he reveals to them who he is, that he's their brother that they thought was dead, that they had killed, you know? And so he reveals to them that it's him and they're like, oh no, he's going to kill us now. But, and we probably deserve it because we left him for dead. Um, but he, he said to them what the enemy meant for evil.
00:59:47
Speaker
God meant for the saving, meant for good and for the saving of many lives. And so In that, when God gave me that scripture in that July of 2016, it was not only did, you know, what the what the enemy meant for evil, God means for good and the saving of many marriages.
Faith, Scripture, and Transformation
01:00:03
Speaker
And so we truly thought that's where we were headed. But there was a lot of work to be done still in my heart before before we could do that. And so that was really difficult, but it has been an incredible journey over the last several years, just recognizing there was more trauma in my life that I really understood um and was have been able to continue, I'll say, to heal from. um there's There are definitely still things that I struggle with, and ah the Lord is so gracious to continue to provide for me to um have outlets to heal. And I've learned so much about His creation in our our bodies. And, you know, i always love when our pastor says that the science is catching up to the Bible, you know, like, yeah, duh, when they come out with something that's, you know, scientifically proven and um about how the brain works or about how the brain rewires itself and, you know, whatever it might be. But science is catching up to the creator that created all of it. And he's like, oh, yeah. Hey, me over here, by the way, the creator. Yeah, i knew how that worked already. And so I'll just say here because I do feel like the Lord wants me to say this.
01:01:12
Speaker
Healing can and only will come from his word. he It will only come when you are surrendering yourself to the will of God through surrendering and submitting yourself to his word and allowing him to speak to your life and convict, which is a good thing. um Not judgment. There's no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
01:01:34
Speaker
Again, for those who are in Christ Jesus, if you don't know the Lord, please, I beg you to reach out to me. i would love to share you share with you how he sent his son to die on the cross for you. And then you can have that assurance that there's no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus. And so conviction is a different thing. a conviction is working by the Holy Spirit who indwells you when you become a believer, to kind of, I always think of it like, tell me what I already knew, you know, like there's parts of things in there that are deep and, you know, it's like, Oh, I didn't see that until it bubbles up to the surface. And I was like, already knew i was a sinner in that way, but now I just need to repent even more in that moment. Um, but God will do that can and will, and wants to do that. And so,
01:02:17
Speaker
Yeah, I feel like i just, well, it's been an hour. So thanks for sticking with me if you're still here. But um I feel like there's so much more that I want to share. And we will. We will get into all of that. But oh, back to the the science thing real quick. that the lord the Lord and his word are what is going to minister and heal you. No amount of psychotherapy, talk therapy, counseling, even if it's biblical counseling, if that is not being um undergirded by a personal walk with the Lord, then it's just not going to be fruitful. Nothing is ultimately really going to come and change in your life.
01:03:01
Speaker
from just talking about things or just learning, you know, I went down a whole rabbit hole of learning about how the brain works and how this and that and the other and, and how trauma lives in your body. And, and then it manifests itself in, you know, flight, fight, fight, flight, or freeze. And, um, you know, that's the trauma response and then things get stuck and you can't push them through. And those are all good things to understand how God created our brain. But,
01:03:26
Speaker
Again, at the end of the day, if that's as far as it goes, and it's just a head knowledge of how the brain works, that's not going to rewire your brain. That is not going to change anything. And so I just implore you to get in the word of God. If you are not, get plugged into a local church. And I will just say in that, you are the church. If you...
01:03:48
Speaker
attend church online only, i understand that there are some very, there's a very small percentage where that is a normal, regular occurrence. I met with a woman the other day who her mom is a shut-in and they don't have any other option, but to do that online, but she's plugged, getting plugged into other places. We are the church. The church is not just a building. Like, yes, it is such and such a church. But But we are the church. We are the body of believers. You don't do church online, although we had to at times during COVID and things of that nature. And now praise God for that incredible tool, because I know at least at our church, the word of God is going out to many nations. across the world. Like it's amazing and it is amazing tool. And it's incredible too, because I can go and pull up on my, my computer. Ooh, I want to dive deeper into Psalm 23, which by the way, we'll get into amazing, incredible teaching by our pastor on that a three-part series about how our, ah how God is our good shepherd and how we as sheep has have gone astray. And we are just really dumb sheep. If you don't know anything about sheep, they are dumb, dumb, dumb animals. And that's us. We are the image of sheep.
01:05:00
Speaker
In that analogy, we are dum-dums and we continue to repeat bad habits. Maybe I should just speak for myself, but I do that. um And so all of that to say, it's a great tool, but tools have a purpose and they need to be used in the way that they were created.
01:05:14
Speaker
And that is to supplement, not be your go-to church online when I don't feel like getting out of bed, which is pretty much every Sunday in the winter for me. I mean, i have some heated sheets. I roll over and I turn them on and I don't want to go anywhere. I'll get out of bed for a cup of coffee, but I'd love to just stay there. But that can't, you cannot grow if you are not plugged into a body of believers. Like in-person worship, a B, you need some accountability. You got to find yourself some brothers or sisters. Okay.
01:05:46
Speaker
okay Sisters find sisters. Brothers find brothers for accountability in the body of Christ, period. That's the only way you can do it. And so with that...
01:05:57
Speaker
I feel like I need a sip of water and to get up and move my legs. But it has been a great joy and honor and privilege to be able to share with you just the testimony that God has given us in our
The Future God Has
01:06:10
Speaker
marriage. um I will say too,
01:06:14
Speaker
It's so funny, like starting this podcast, which is like crazy. um i It's so freeing because like our story is out there and we're known, you know, and guess what? You want to go dig up something on me? I was talking to my coach about this this morning. You want to go dig up something? Yeah. Good luck. You might find something and by all means, I'll fess up to it. But when you're out there and you're known, like it's super freeing. And so the enemy will want to creep in and and do things for sure. But like, I don't have any fear, right? Because we're known. So Adam, my husband, he has given full blessing for this podcast. I probably should have started with that.
01:06:57
Speaker
that part of it. He is known, he is out there and he is always willing to meet with men and pray. Um, if you can't meet in person, have coffee, whatever it might be to just encourage a fellow brother in the faith or, or not if someone's struggling, but he has given full blessing to go with this. He actually gave me this podcast mic, which is a really Mac daddy, nice mic. um for my birthday four years ago when the Lord told me to do this. And it's been sitting around. I did use it a few times on some news interviews and things like that, but it's been sitting collecting dust. And so that was his blessing four years ago when i felt the call from the Lord to share the story and our story and our testimony.
01:07:43
Speaker
He blessed that and said yes and amen. And he has been the biggest cheerleader. I love you, Adam. I am so thankful for you. i know he'll be the first one to listen to every podcast episode and all that good stuff. So um yeah. And just so you know as well, our son does know our story. um We were able to share it with him several years ago now in an age-appropriate way. And over the years, things do continue to come out. you know I just recently shared with him um, about my assault in New York and how that has, you know, there are still lasting things. Like I don't like people touching my face.
01:08:19
Speaker
I don't like touching my face unless I'm washing it, but I don't like people touching my face. That has, that's part of my story from the trauma response for when that happened in New York city. And so I didn't get into the details, but let him know about that so that he can understand like, Oh, cause he thinks he's funny when he's coming up and he's like, eh, I'm going to touch my face. I'm like, no,
01:08:40
Speaker
He has contacts now, right? And he's getting older. And so we can share things that are age appropriate with him. So all that to say, we are known and it feels so good. and the only way for you to be known, well, first and foremost, by the Lord, he knows you, whether you want to confess or confess. or tell him anything. He knows it all anyway, but that is part of being plugged into a body of believers. That's so vital that you are able to be known and then you can have accountability because guess what? We're going to have struggles and they're going to probably resurface from time to time, but you need people shoulder to shoulder with you. They're going walk life and do life with you. And so with that, I will close it here and just say, i hope you come back next week will be fun.
Upcoming Podcast Episodes
01:09:23
Speaker
We are going to have, we, I say we, me, um Adam, my husband and I are going to be sitting down to talk about a love. ah It'll be Friday, the 13th of February, and we are going to talk about love and what is love. I hope you'll join us for that. Should be fun. He's excited to come on a little nervous, but he'll be great. Uh, and yeah, we'll have a great time. So if this was helpful and you want to share it, I would appreciate it. Give a five-star review and write a comment. Um, if it's, if there's a piece of it, that's helpful, especially for someone that's struggling through and infertility or betrayal at this point in their lives, just feel free to share. But as I said at the beginning of it, it would be helpful to have some context going in as well. So you can back up and listen to episode two, which is part one of my testimony. So
01:10:14
Speaker
All right, folks, I'm going to head out. Thank you so much for joining. And I hope you'll come back next time. in all of this, to God be the glory.