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The One About Marriage - FF S2 E14
1 Playsin 9 hours
Fatherhood Friday is pulling up a chair to the marriage table this week. We’re talking real life, real lessons, and the moments that taught us what strengthens a marriage... and what can quietly wreck one. From communication wins to hard-earned “don’t do what we did” wisdom, this episode is packed with honest conversation, laughter, and practical insight for husbands who want to build a strong, loving relationship with their wives.
And yes... we’re even tackling the famous phrase: “Happy wife, happy life.” Spoiler alert: we’ve got a different take. 👀
Tune in, laugh with us, learn with us, and grab a few tools you can actually use at home.
Check out PreacherDad.com
Email us: Dads@PreacherDad.com
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Transcript
Introduction & Marriage Reflections
00:00:12
Speaker
Well, hello, everybody. Welcome to Fatherhood Friday brought to you by the Preacher Dad podcast. My name is Jared, and I am the Preacher Dad, and I have been married for 19 years.
00:00:24
Speaker
Yes, that's right. 19 wonderful, lovely years to my beautiful bride. And the reason I bring that up is because today is our marriage episode. We're going to try to give you some of the best advice we ever got as married guys and what that has done for us and just give you some of the insights we have about marriage. And hopefully that will bless you and help you and encourage you in your walk with your spouse. So we hope that you'll stick around and please remember that this podcast is brought to you in part by Cornerstone Fellowship. Cornerstone Fellowship is that small little country church that you just kind of drive by because it's way out there in the middle of nowhere, but we sure love Jesus and we would love to love you. We hope that you'll come by, check us out if you're ever in the area. But you can also find us online at
00:01:21
Speaker
And we would love for you to come by check us out, ask us your questions, and even marital questions. We will field those. Well, God bless you. And now let's start Fatherhood Friday on Marriage.
Humor & Challenges in Marriage
00:01:39
Speaker
Well, hello, all you 12 or 13 listeners out there. Welcome to Fatherhood Friday. And tonight I'm here with my brother, Tony, the fireman Russell. He is here to put out your marriage fires. No, he's not.
00:01:53
Speaker
But we are here to give you some marriage advice, marital advice. That's right. All of your marriage problems are over tonight because we are going to solve everything for you.
00:02:05
Speaker
The answer is Have lots of sex. No, no, no. I'm sorry. That's not the answer. no that's the answer. Well, it might be. but I'm willing to try almost, ah almost anything that goes wrong in our house. I'm like, you know, we could try to have sex. I mean, that might work.
00:02:24
Speaker
um ah But no, we just want to try to give some, maybe our favorite tips of advice that we've been given. the best scriptures that we've we've seen on the subject, things that might be helpful to you. We know that not everybody out there that's listening is married, um but this hopefully will help you one day if should God lead you into a marriage or um maybe your marriage is struggling. Maybe this will help you. Maybe your marriage isn't struggling and this will still help you because definitely marriage is something that is, um it is a work in progress. It takes a lot of effort. I mean, I think that my marriage is one of the best things that's ever happened to me.
00:03:05
Speaker
ah But it's also one of the hardest things I've ever had to do because it just takes a lot of effort to unite your life with someone else. Even if you don't marry them and sleep in the same bed, if you just unite your life with anybody else on a day-to-day basis, that is work.
00:03:22
Speaker
It's hard. And even people that agree on most things don't agree 100% of the time and have to work through those things. But Tony, just how long have you and Angela been married?
00:03:35
Speaker
Well, ah today actually is funny enough is our anniversary of getting engaged. So, oh great ah and I'm, I'm not one of these sweet thoughtful men that just knew that off the top of his head. I was in a conversation where I was reminded of that last night. So ah like most of you guys, says it's going to sneak up on you from time to time. So, but um but we're, We're going into 19 years this year. So um next year will be our 20th. So in September, we will have our 19-year anniversary. And yeah, I would would say I've probably been doing this long enough to be considered a professional. um i
00:04:20
Speaker
I definitely do not have all of the answers. i would a second Wait a minute. Somebody paid you to marry your wife? mean, I wish. but the So I would say that I have been compensated quite beyond my services. ah But the ah we have three kids. um we you know We've moved all over the place together. we've I've been through a couple of different career shifts with her. um And
Embodiment of Christ's Love
00:04:47
Speaker
she's been the loving, supportive rock 100% of the time all the way through it.
00:04:52
Speaker
um you know, yeah, I, I agree a hundred percent with, with your preface there. The marriage is, it's both the most beautiful thing that you can, uh, conquer in life, but it is also extraordinarily difficult. Um, and it's not difficult because my spouse is just so hard to get along with. Uh, it's difficult cause I'm so hard to get along with. So, um, but there's the, we have to lay down our, we'll lay down our life in order to get along with the other person. And that's what's hard.
00:05:21
Speaker
Yeah, and there's there's so much of the tension that gets created inside of marriage is is not based around what you guys are actually communicating together. It's what your dumb internal voice is misinterpreting for you on your behalf ah that it wants to turn into tension. So learning how to fight that, combat that, and identify where you've you're mad at something that's never existed um is a ah humbling but necessary aspect of growing in your marriage. But um the I don't really know where to go or where to start with ah with marriage advice. you know the the
00:05:57
Speaker
Everybody's journey is so very different. Well, what's one thing that's helped you? What's one thing that's helped y'all in your marriage? A piece of advice that you're like, man, that was that was rock solid.
00:06:08
Speaker
Something that's this really helped me, i guess, probably within, i'd say more so ah in the in the last five years or so, um I think it was a John Piper quote, and I'm i'm sure I'm miscrediting this and probably not even going to quote it right, but um it was something along the lines of like just general marriage advice. Like you're you're praying for the capacity to love. You're praying to love like Christ. Well, God is going to give you an opportunity to love like Christ.
00:06:34
Speaker
There are things that are going to hurt your heart. There are things that are going to be frustrating, things that you're not going to understand, things that you're not sure how they don't understand. and this swings both ways. This is not, you know,
00:06:44
Speaker
This is by no means just one feature of one side. ah But the opportunity there, especially as the man, is to demonstrate the the love of Christ in this relationship. That's who you are in this relationship. That's who you are ah meant to be an example of ah in this metaphor that is marriages. You are to give the the your wife, the church, the love that Christ has for us.
00:07:10
Speaker
And there's been a lot of times where I've had my little quiet moments where I'm having a stupid fit to myself and I start realizing like this is exactly the same way that I just treated my savior. Like he's showing me how I treat him so that he can show me how to love her the way that he loves me.
00:07:29
Speaker
And the, they're humbling moments that happen quite often because I'm bullheaded and it takes a lot for me to be able to learn simple things. And sometimes that lesson has to come at me over and over and over again. And then um there's,
00:07:46
Speaker
You serve a risen savior. A lot of times people will misunderstand just how powerful that is. Um, and they think their marriage is dead.
Revitalizing Marriages & Cycles of Forgiveness
00:07:56
Speaker
It's not marriage, Mary. Well, it may be, but marriage can be brought back to life.
00:08:01
Speaker
Um, there are seasons that you may go through where you feel extraordinarily distant, or you feel like the challenges are starting to pile up, or you don't have an idea of how it is that you're going to forge ahead together and how you're going to repair,
00:08:13
Speaker
um you know some of the distance that's been created between you, especially when kids come along, that's a pretty common thing. Um, focuses get different, you know careers get important, kids get important. Uh, it's easy for there to be a natural drift inside the marriage. If you don't, uh, watch for it and don't try to guard against it.
00:08:32
Speaker
Um, and sometimes that rift gets to be so drastic. You feel like this marriage is dead. This marriage is done. We, we don't sleep together anymore. We're just roommates with rings. you know We just hang out in the same house. We have the same expenses, but we have nothing in common.
00:08:46
Speaker
um That marriage can be saved. Don't ever walk away. everything you if If you are a marriage where you are both pursuing Christ, that can come back together.
00:08:57
Speaker
That's all it takes to be the common foundation to revive marriage. Everything else can be built from his his spirit's guidance from there. A lot of it's going to be a lot of humility and a lot of it's going to be a lot of learning how to how to forgive and let things go that are not as important as you have made them out to be. But they are, that process is, is it's, it's cyclical. It's it's not a one and done kind of journey. And that's why it's a fight. And that's why it takes effort because the um there's, you know,
00:09:30
Speaker
even inside of the church, there are, there's graveyards of dead marriages that were, people have just slipped away from one another and decided that the marriage is over, that the interest isn't there, that somehow that they got it wrong and they'll just repent of the divorce and it'll be fine.
00:09:44
Speaker
Um, that's none of that's necessary. Uh, you can win. And, um, I, I've been through seasons where I've been the heel and, uh, and my wife has been the, been the hero.
00:09:55
Speaker
Um, and God's, broken me through those things and she's been gracious to me. And there's been, you know, seasons where I had to learn how to forgive and let go of things. um And they're both very healthy for each of you to grow spiritually and connect more deeply to your savior.
00:10:12
Speaker
um But there's nothing, nothing that comes up inside of the cycle of marriage in these different seasons and different challenges and different stressors that are going to be there um that can't be conquered.
00:10:25
Speaker
And there's there's no distance that you're fighting through right now that can't be conquered. you can You can be united. And if you fight for that and you humbly pray for that and you do it together, um it's it's like what you said at the beginning. It turns into the most beautiful thing that there is. It's it's a fin fantastic treasure.
00:10:43
Speaker
Yeah. Amen. Boy, that's so well said. And, ah you know, the passage that I think you referenced is Ephesians 5.
00:10:53
Speaker
um where it says the the husband is the the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the church. Right. And I think in that passage it as well, it says husbands love your wives as Christ also hath loved the church and gave himself for her. That's self-sacrificial.
00:11:11
Speaker
And then it says wives honor your husbands or maybe it says submit. I'm not sure exactly the word there, but um i've bought somebody said a long time ago to me,
00:11:24
Speaker
men respond really well to honor. They respond to ah respect really, love and respect. They, if, if they feel respected, then they will begin to love like, like, but they don't naturally love all, all by itself. They value that respect a lot.
00:11:46
Speaker
And so a man has to choose to love because a woman is not naturally going to respect her head. ah That's the way God, part of the curse is that she resists against that. And so she does not naturally respect her husband, but she's more natural to love. Like loving is ah the easy thing for her. It's the natural response in many situations for her to show love. That's why the Lord said to women, respect your husbands. And he said to men, love your wives, because that's a that's a cycle too.
00:12:23
Speaker
When the wife is respecting her husband, he responds by loving her more. And when a man loves his wife, she responds by respecting him more.
00:12:34
Speaker
And somebody has to start the circle though, Tony. And that's where it comes comes to me to be willing to lay my life down, to give up yeah you know what I deserve.
00:12:46
Speaker
And does my wife deserve love? She sure does. Do I deserve respect to a certain degree? Yes, I do. just because of my position in the family. But to give up what I deserve and to give what is my responsibility starts that cycle. And if I just choose to love my wife, to lay down my life for her, even when, you know, how did Jesus love us? Jesus loved us when we were still sinners.
00:13:10
Speaker
He loved us as much as he possibly could. So even when my wife is not doing what she ought to be doing and she's not treating me the way she should treat me, I'm going to love her all the way to the cross and die to myself And then, Lord willing, if she's a Christian woman, if she's responding to God, I believe he'll give her the grace to begin to respect. And then I love more. And then she respects more. then it's just this beautiful circle if we will respond by dying to self in the first. And the same goes for women.
00:13:40
Speaker
I mean, I know there are some women that listen to this show. They have to choose to respect a man differently. who is maybe not respectable, you know, that that yeah they don't feel deserves that level of respect. They have to give that anyway, at least to some degree. And I'm not, i'm not we're not at all advocating for women to stay in abusive relationships if they're getting beat up or other things.
00:14:03
Speaker
You know, they need to have some separation. They need to be safe. But there is a way back, and I love the way you said that, no marriage is dead because we serve a God who brings things back from the dead.
00:14:16
Speaker
yeah No marriage is beyond hope, I guess I should say. um Even a dead marriage can come back to life. Yeah, that's what I mean. Exactly. And so you were really right on to say that. You know, I've talked a lot. Did you have another another comment before I make my ah my marriage and and advice here? No, I mean, obviously, I think, you know, in inside of the marriage relationship, the way men feel loved and the main way men feel respected oftentimes is different than the way that women communicate love and communicate respect.
00:14:46
Speaker
And that's one of the things that creates tension and one of the things that can create some of these rifts that turn into small things that turn into big things where she's telling you she loves you and she's making you food for ah for work, you know, have something to eat whenever you're away and she's cleaning the house for you. And that's her act of service. That's her love language. That's her reaching out to you.
00:15:10
Speaker
But your love language is physical touch because you're a man and that's the default setting for every man. And so as as you go on, you start to feel less and less and less connected. And she can't figure out why because she's doing more and more and more for you.
00:15:27
Speaker
um there's Those types of traps are everywhere. And guys, I guarantee you, you're doing exactly the same thing too. Where in your brain, you think her physical or her love language is getting tapped on the butt every time you walk by her. It's not that. Whatever her love language is, I promise it's not that.
00:15:44
Speaker
Not that you should stop. By no means stop. That's you definitely, you know, pay your dues. but doing it. Yeah. But that's, she's not feeling what you feel. Whenever she comes by and slaps your butt, that means something completely different to you than when you slap her butt.
00:15:59
Speaker
And they're not even the same universe. You know, I got a funny, I got a funny story about that. Um,
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Speaker
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00:16:57
Speaker
Okay. All you listeners out there in this segment is called, uh, the mailbag or the email bag or letters from the audience. Uh, Guys, I'm so pleased to tell you we got our first email from our listening audience.
00:17:15
Speaker
It's so exciting. Yeah, so I'm sorry that Nate can't be here for this tonight, but we're just gonna dive into it. um This is from a dad out there named NK, initials N and K. And ah he says that his size keeps him out of confrontations, but it scares me.
00:17:40
Speaker
this is our our writer commenting. He's commenting on the the episode we did about tearing the picture down. Go look that one up. Maybe we'll put it in the show notes, but he says, it scares me to be confrontation confrontational in this political climate.
00:17:57
Speaker
I was confronted by a black Marine veteran at the Augusta mall on Friday. I was minding my own business, and because I thanked him for his service earlier, he was confident to ask me what I thought about all these pedophiles in the administration.
00:18:13
Speaker
I played along, being passive as I could. I had difficulty hearing him. He was wearing a paper mask, and we were in a loud food court. And then he brought up the topic of Alex Peretti and how the administration is going around killing innocent people, and I said, we'll just have to agree to disagree.
00:18:31
Speaker
The man stood up and started closing the gap between us. I didn't get up. I kept smiling and saying I did not want any confrontation. His wife came out of the restroom and grabbed his arm and let him away.
00:18:43
Speaker
I have a lot to lose if I get in trouble with the law. So I shy away from those situations. I work. Well, I won't say where he works. ah He says arrests are frowned upon.
00:18:53
Speaker
Even if you're the victim, ah maybe that could be a topic for later fatherhood Friday. So, you know, those confrontations are real. And, you know, we live, but we live in a world where ah people want to, they want to kill you because they disagree with your political opinions.
00:19:14
Speaker
And so, you know, we, we have to be prepared for that and we have to be prepared for confrontation and be prepared to defend ourselves and our loved ones. Anyway, what do you guys think about our first email comment here? It's a wild scenario.
00:19:30
Speaker
um That's, unfortunately the times that we live in um and the i don't know what the deal is but i when i lived in northern virginia there were a lot of service members and veterans up there that were very far left which never made sense to me i kind of figured like that would be at least one sifting pool left where real actual normal people um with the with somewhat reasonable understandings of how the world works, would still be able to to make their way in and populate. But it was still a thing. like it's that You can't assume that anybody in any particular field or origin is is going to necessarily align with where you're at, unfortunately, anymore.
00:20:15
Speaker
It's very hard to tell where those battle flags actually lie. But there's never been a point in history where Christians weren't expected to still stand their ground. ah Now, when it comes to politics and stuff like that, I don't I don't fault anybody for not wanting to die on any of those particular hills. Most of them don't, you know, aren't real anyway. ah But when it comes to your faith, like it could just as easily be something along those natures. If something like that comes up, there's nothing at all that would say that that couldn't swing into, um you know, this administration's ah anti-gay rights agenda or something like that, where you might have to make a little bit more of a statement or, you know, they're,
00:20:55
Speaker
repealing of Roe v. Wade and everything that he's done to set women's rights back. How do you feel about that? um there are There are ways where your Christianity may end up in the political and you may end up needing to take the hit ah if that's what it comes to. Well, even in this even in this scenario, um our listener, NK, he wasn't being particularly confrontational, but he was confronted.
00:21:22
Speaker
i mean, he just simply said, well, I disagree, disagree, I guess. yeah And and this this Marine veteran decided, you must be one of those nasty guys, and I maybe need to fight you. And if it hadn't been for his wife coming out, sounds like it could have devolved into a, ah you know, a viral TikTok video of a maul brawl.
00:21:42
Speaker
And I'm not saying that this guy did anything wrong or anything that would be different than what I would have done. um I'm just saying, especially in the world of non-confrontational men, I'm one of those. I don't like confrontation at all. um i I tend to try to survive more than I try to, ah you know, make a statement, if that makes sense. um And a lot of men are like that. That's kind of a natural instinct, especially if you have something that's needs you to survive. I'm, I've definitely developed more of this personality after kids.
00:22:14
Speaker
And whenever I was in college, in college, know, I was a reckless idiot. um Like, like many people are, but um when it comes to like, it's, especially the thought process there. It's like, okay, my job's going I'm going to lose my job. My family needs my support. There's a lot of downstream things here. It's not just me.
00:22:33
Speaker
What's the best thing for all of those that I'm responsible for love and care about for me to make a really good statement right here that, you know, gets ah a couple hundred views on Tik TOK or for me to actually be able to go to work tomorrow.
00:22:45
Speaker
Um, there's, I get that, that, that calculus is extremely real. My only, um counter to that is, you know, just because that's the you know, the scenario preferred where we can find the way out or find a way to calm that stuff down. we're living in a time where that may not exist much longer and where the, I mean, this guy, this, uh, this Marine who's there, you know, this man, a hundred percent thinks that a certain group of our leadership are pedophiles. That's grotesque.
00:23:19
Speaker
What do you do with that? Obviously, if you think that's real, that's going to strike you somewhere deep in your soul to feel like you need to act upon that. And if if that's his foundation and he thinks, oh, you're the one you're one of those people that is defending this, that sees it and is okay with it, that makes you an enemy.
00:23:38
Speaker
Well, that dynamic is going to spread for a lot of other things besides just that. it's So it's it's unfortunately one of those things where, especially when it comes to kids and things like that, like i my son's going to have to be aware and hopefully prepared for a world where the those types of confrontations may be well outside of his control and frequent.
00:23:58
Speaker
move That's right. Matt, my brother, do you have any thoughts about this? No, he's he's just, he's watching out for his family. And, um, yeah.
00:24:10
Speaker
And so I don't, I don't blame him, blame him at all. i would have done the same thing. Absolutely. But I'm, but I'm probably smaller than the Marine. I just don't keep my mouth shut. i would be willing to bet you might be better with a gun than he is though great equalizer you know tony you uh uh this is funny you you confronted me once do you remember that uh we were working in uh chick-fil-a we were bagging and something happened that frustrated me and i was whining about it and i was telling you all about it like how frustrated i am about this and And it eventually you said, okay, Jared, when you're done crying, do you think you can get to work again? And
00:24:56
Speaker
ah and I went, okay. And I just shut up and we just did the work. And as I kept working, I realized how right you were. And I told you later, I said, hey, thank you. you were right. I'm sorry.
00:25:09
Speaker
I do not remember that at all, but that definitely sounds like me. So yeah it it was it was a good moment. It was a good bro moment when it's like, hey, poof.
00:25:20
Speaker
You want to get to work and quit crying, big baby? Anyway. All right, guys.
Communication & Expectations in Marriage
00:25:25
Speaker
Well, thank you for this segment of the email bag. We'll see you next time.
00:25:31
Speaker
When we were first married, um you know, my wife told me, yeah, I'm a i'm a quality time person. Okay. Good to know. You know, there's love languages. every All of you married couples should find out what your love language is and figure out how to speak to each other.
00:25:47
Speaker
how to speak love to one another. That's exactly what Tony is saying. um You need to learn that. But you know my wife said, well, I'm a quality time person. I'm like, okay, great. So I tried to make sure I gave her time and you know we had quality time, not just quantity.
00:26:03
Speaker
um But there were still times when I'd come home from work and i just yeah I'd sit down and relax and you know maybe I'd play a computer game or you know play with the kids or something. and And she would get fussy at me and she would snap at me and we had these fights and stuff. And, and I started realizing that, well, we didn't really realize it until we took the test. We took the love language test and she discovered, and I discovered that barely at a second place in her love language was acts of service, quality time and acts of service were neck and neck tied basically for her love languages. And so we realized that she was not feeling loved because I would come home and I would not go out and do the tasks that she had accumulated that I needed to be doing or that needed to be doing at all. You were just being a bum.
00:26:58
Speaker
I was being a bum, you know, and she got frustrated at that. So when I realized that it helped us so much and resolved a lot of those conflicts because I was like, okay, I got to put some effort into, you know, mowing the grass and,
00:27:11
Speaker
And it's not, I can't just come home and chill out. I've got a, you know, I got a list of things that I need to accomplish. And that helps her to feel loved when I do those things. And so I thought that was, that was just so helpful to us. And maybe there's somebody out there that's having some conflicts. If you don't know your love, if you think you know your wife's love language, but she has never taken the test, have her take the test and you take it too. You guys might learn something about yourselves. It's invaluable.
00:27:39
Speaker
And I would say right now, 99% the time, hers are going to be exactly the same thing that you just said, Jared, because that's what my wife says. And I bet that's probably pretty close to what yours is too, Matt. And ours is physical touch.
00:27:52
Speaker
There's not a wide range of results that comes through these tests. Now, of course, there's going to be other things along the side. um gifts is certainly in there too i'm sure and words of affirmation you gotta think about your number two tony you gotta think about your number two the whole that's important my my whole point and even saying any of that kind of stuff is like the um what you're talking about with acts of service and stuff like that sometimes and this this i'm using this example but please understand this this barn door swings both ways both men and women do this to each other and it's one of those things that Kills connection in your marriage and is completely unnecessary, but your wife may have a list of things that she wants you to do.
00:28:36
Speaker
You come home and you ask for that list because you want to serve and you want to indicate love for her. and She's upset because you don't know what that list is already. That if you were just observant enough, you would be able to figure out exactly the list.
00:28:50
Speaker
Ladies, don't do that. That's stupid. that You are setting yourself up to be hurt for no reason. Guys, you do this too. Guys do exactly the same thing. If she loved me and connected with me in a real way, she would understand what I want right now.
00:29:03
Speaker
Anytime you're thinking in that frame of mind, you are losing. You are losing. um yeah It is okay to so tell your partner what it is that you feel like you need.
00:29:16
Speaker
And 99% of the time, especially if it's a healthy relationship, your partner is going to want to respond to your need with what you need. um Jared, whenever you go do those acts of service, it's not because you just love doing those particular things. It's because you know, i finally have clarity that this is something that will mean something to my wife, that this is an effort that's going to be worthwhile.
00:29:37
Speaker
And it's it's helpful. It's the same thing the other way. Guys, if you if you need a certain thing from your wife, I know men who allow themselves to get crushed because of some other history of stupid relationships that they've had where some other lady figured something out a certain way. And if my wife really loved me this way, she would figure it out too.
00:29:58
Speaker
That's garbage and that's satanic. You don't need to let that into your marriage. You need to let your wife know what you're thinking. That's your responsibility as the man. It's okay. And it doesn't mean she loves you less because she didn't think of it first.
00:30:10
Speaker
She loves you significantly whenever she decides, okay, I know this is what he wants. This is what I'm going to do. Take that love. Accept love from one another. People a lot of times like to throw out these hidden qualifiers that that completely block out their partner from being able to express love to them when that's exactly what they're trying to do.
00:30:29
Speaker
Do not do that. Fight that. That's where your your battle is inside your own heart and your own head. And that's where that humility piece comes in. um You... Nobody in that marriage is so, uh, so rocking it and so special that their partner is just going to automatically know everything all the time, um, to be able to figure that stuff out. It's, it's not real. That's, that's a, um, a ruse that, you know, I, I think Satan puts between you guys to make sure there's always a fissure to make sure there's always something where you're, you're tender spirit, whenever you're super stressed from work or you've had, you know, exhausted from whatever,
00:31:06
Speaker
or the wife's exhausted from your kids terrorizing her all day long, whatever the stressor is, there's always that little fissure that gets to come in here and be like, well, if if they were just noticing me the right way, they would know what I need in this moment. Always throw that in the garbage. That's always a lie.
00:31:23
Speaker
it's not It doesn't have any place ah in the way that you start trying to process what your spouse is doing for you. In in terms of love and in in terms of respect, both men and women hide the football from each other quite a bit. You don't have to do that. Let them know exactly where it is so they can line up with a great kick.
00:31:41
Speaker
That's great. That's great advice, Tony. ah Mr. Matt Stewart is with us joining late because he was practicing good marital advice and serving his family in their hour of need, serving his wife in her hour of need. Matt, do you have a, ah what's a piece of advice that you've been given that has really helped your marriage, something that that you think is just a golden nugget you wanna give our audience to know.
00:32:12
Speaker
Well, first of all, let me let me correct you, Tony. Something you said a couple of minutes ago just really aggravates me too. Don't use the word partner. Just say wife, spouse, something to a partner. well Well, that's fair. the only reason why I use partner is because I was trying to say both husbands and wives in a particular sense. Not, you know, the gay loser you picked up from the bar. That's not what who I was talking about.
00:32:36
Speaker
Ooh, a little tension drives up the ratings. Keep going, boy. no no None of my marital advice is going to apply to you. ah But Tony, me and my partner, we were so happy with what you were just saying. Okay, but go ahead and repent before you burst into flames.
00:32:57
Speaker
So... um It kind of like in the last episode we talked about, um I'm like, I don't, I'd never really had to talk. My dad never had to talk with me. And you asked me just then, Jared, what's some advice I was given? i don't even know. Like, I can't remember any advice. I'm sure there were some along the way that was good, but we did start out our marriage. We read a book um called When Sinners Say I Do.
00:33:22
Speaker
And so that was helpful. Like looking at any problem, like, Hey, what have what have I done to contribute to that? Because if you're always going to point your finger at your spouse, then that's that's not healthy. So that was good. But I would say my biggest thing, at least right now, as y'all were talking about love languages, I heard some of that. And and even the situation I had a few minutes ago, um i had I got a text that said, Samuel just threw up in his bed. Please help.
00:33:50
Speaker
And he's three years old. and And it was actually kind of weird. He threw up on his pillow just right there beside his mouth. And he didn't even wake up. And so it was weird. But anyway, to say all that, um she wants to know that I am, that she is important to me.
00:34:08
Speaker
So if I would have texted back and said, I can't right now, I'm right in the middle of this, she would have been upset, obviously. And so it's easy for for me, and I'm sure it's easy for y'all too, to, to um you know, your commitment to even your kids, your commitment to your church, commitment to your job, to fixing something that's broken in the house or whatever. So many things we, we need to do as dads. It's very important, but she's got to know, um, that she comes first.
00:34:39
Speaker
And, um, that's hard. That's hard. It's, I don't always do a good job. And, and for like, at least for my wife, and it's not even necessarily, I'm trying to think about, you know, the love language is like y'all were talking about, but again, it just then it was an, it was like an act of service, I guess. And then, Last night it was scratching her back and playing with her hair that she liked, you know.
00:35:00
Speaker
And then it's other times it's just get off our phones and listen to each other for 30 minutes, you know, just talk. So, yeah. It reminds me, Matt, it reminds me of a funny onesie I saw one time.
00:35:17
Speaker
The onesie for a little baby said, Mommy only wanted a back rub.
00:35:29
Speaker
that's really good yeah it's funny it's funny but that's good advice that's good advice and you know i think that it just takes we were saying a minute ago it just takes work and you have to be willing to to work hard at making sure your wife feels uh uh but it's worth the effort You know, I think that the reward for that, and I'm not just talking about better sex, man. Yeah. I'm talking about a a real connection and a unity with your spouse that is just so special.
00:36:01
Speaker
It's worth the work. It is work, but it's worth it. It's worth having and pursuing. So pursue your wife, man. If this is Fatherhood Friday, you know, this weekend, pursue your wife. Put your phone down.
00:36:14
Speaker
try Try for just an hour. Put it down and say, hey, babe, how are you doing? you know i mean, that's golden to a wife. She's just, wow, he just asked me how I'm doing.
00:36:26
Speaker
He stopped playing his games and was more interested in me. Wow. you know That's what we need, and that's what your marriage needs.
00:36:36
Speaker
Amen. Another piece of advice I got for my marriage was never go to bed angry.
Ensuring Peace & Family Prioritization
00:36:42
Speaker
ah we We try always to resolve our conflicts, even if we have to agree to disagree, even if it's like not, look, I don't agree with you, but I'm not mad at you.
00:36:53
Speaker
You know, like we're not fighting anymore. That is important. And that has been a really important piece of advice, I think, that has helped our marriage to say, look, let's let's go to bed at night.
00:37:07
Speaker
And in fact, one of the ways we do it is we give each other, we say, end each day with a five second kiss. Five seconds right on the mouth. And if you have some sort of tension between you, it's pretty hard to do that. You can't do it if you have ah hard feelings. So it's good advice to be able to keep a count short.
00:37:28
Speaker
But any closing comments from the Fatherhood panel tonight? um One other thing that i I just thought about, and I wouldn't say it's as important as the other thing I mentioned, but um you know I don't really like the saying, if mom ain't happy, nobody's happy or whatever, but it should be our goal to create a joyful home, right? And if the house is falling apart and she's always, and you know, our wives are at home every day, right, with their kids, and if there's problems in the house or if there's light bulbs that need to be replaced or if something, you know, if I've left a mess, It just, it's not, it she's just not as joyful as she, as she should be, right? And so um I need to do a better job of that. But i was just thinking about what can I do to make sure my wife is, is happier? Because it is important. I mean, it's, if she, there's been many times where I've done something that put her in a bad mood and it rubs off on the kids. And then I get home and I'm in a bad mood because the kids are in a, but you know, And so that should be, I think that should be one of our our goals as husbands and the way we love our wives is, and if she wants a beautiful house, um it doesn't have to, that you don't have to, um like I should support her in that.
00:38:57
Speaker
And I'm not talking spending thousands and thousands of dollars fixing it up. But if it's just replacing one or two little things that makes her happy, I think we should do it. Yeah, that's good. Tony, any last words?
00:39:09
Speaker
Oh, that's, What Matt was talking about there reminded me of something heard from, ah I think it was John Lovell was talking about ah his marriage dynamic and his, his essential gist. I was like, if you're, you're the man, your life should be harder.
00:39:23
Speaker
Like if you're get home and notice that you're chilled out and your wife's working and she's been working all day and she's working more than you, you're broken. You're doing it wrong.
00:39:33
Speaker
Your life should be harder than your wife's. You should be working harder than your wife. She should be working hard, but she's obviously going to be working differently. But especially in terms of physical strain, physical stress, mental strain, mental stress, you bear that.
00:39:49
Speaker
you You are the one that should take the biggest hit that's coming to your family. um If you're coasting on your wife's success, you need to repent of that. you need to You need to do what you can do to rise above the leader. um And I get it. There's situations out there. I'm not talking necessarily about money. I'm just talking about effort.
00:40:08
Speaker
oh you know, there's there's all kinds of different dynamics that can create all kinds of weird pay scenarios in our society today. None of that's relevant at all. What I'm talking about is the effort that's going into the marriage. She's going all the work and you're not, she's burned out because she has to do absolutely everything and you won't do a thing.
00:40:26
Speaker
You're doing it wrong. um And yet the reverse of that is also true. Wives, if you see that your husband is smoked every single day, he comes home because that job that he's working 60, 70 hours a week, to make sure you don't have to have a job so you can stay home and raise as the kids.
00:40:43
Speaker
If your entire day is spent in your pajamas and you guys did barely anything except for watch stuff on TV so you could chill out on your phone, you're not putting in the effort that is required for that relationship to succeed.
00:40:55
Speaker
It takes effort, lots of it. Man, is it absolutely worth it. And especially whenever you're in that relationship and you start seeing your partner dig in there's nothing thing more powerful to make you also want to dig in. When you know that that effort's not going towards survival, but it's going towards communion with you, that makes all the difference in lighting that fire to try to make sure that you're doing your part too, to make sure that you meter on the battlefield, so to speak.
00:41:21
Speaker
um Fight for each other. fight Fight hard for each other. And you win. um It's not that every battle's going to be easy. It's certainly not that it's going to be without tension. But keep fighting. Keep fighting and you win. um And it's you Nothing, nothing about marriage is a particularly easy road.
00:41:39
Speaker
Um, but people keep doing it for a reason. It hasn't gone out of style yet for a reason. Um, especially inside of Christian Orthodoxy, it never will because the, the reward is, is something that I just, I don't know how to explain to non-married Christian men. There's, there's a joy in that union and in that relationship that is such a sweet prize. Um,
00:42:04
Speaker
It's worth fighting to grab onto it for as often and as frequently as you can. So get after it. That's right. It reminds me of Psalm four. I read that today and in Psalm four, it says our gladness is greater than theirs than when their wine and grain abounded.
00:42:25
Speaker
So when they have feasting, when they have abundance and plenty, our gladness as the righteous people is greater than that of the world. And really, a marriage relationship is so much better.
00:42:38
Speaker
It's so much more fulfilling in in every way then a ah than a worldly relationship is or that, you know, the things the world promises you in ah in romantic relationships, sexual or otherwise. Yeah. You know, it's just so much better. So definitely worth the effort.
00:43:00
Speaker
Very, very true. Thank you guys for and your advice.
Family Planning & Episode Closure
00:43:04
Speaker
And sex. have lots of sex all the time. Lots of sex all the time. Plenty of practice. You know, um with eight kids, I get the question frequently.
00:43:16
Speaker
Don't you know what causes that? And my favorite response is, yeah, and I'm getting pretty good at it at this point. And they then laugh like that. And I'll say, yeah, my dad told me to find something I was good at and to keep doing it. And and so I did. And then they laugh again.
00:43:33
Speaker
So anyway, folks, we we just appreciate all of you that are listening. We would love for you to comment on ah on this episode, wherever you may be listening or watching.
00:43:44
Speaker
And if you'd like to reach out to us, you can find us at dads at preacherdad.com. Dads at preacherdad.com. And we would love to hear from you and find out how this this podcast is impacting your life If you wanna yell at us, hey, we'll take it.
00:44:05
Speaker
um but We can handle that. We've handled it already a little bit. um But if you if you have anything else to share, we would love to hear that too. But thank you folks very much. And we look forward to seeing you next time. Maybe the next the next marriage episode, it maybe we'll talk about our sex lives and and our sex tips.
00:44:26
Speaker
That'll be fun, won't it? Oh, yeah. I'm sick that day. Maybe I'll just i'll just tell her me and Matt because we have the greatest track record here. But anyway, we sure appreciate all of you out there that are listening. And we look forward to seeing you next time on Fatherhood Friday.
00:44:44
Speaker
Good night.