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Secret #34 - The Power of Separating Well - choosing peace over conflict with Tiffany Rochester (part 1)
218 Plays8 months ago
In this episode of 'Life's Dirty Little Secrets,' hosts Emma Waddington and Chris McCurry welcome Tiffany Rochester, a clinical psychologist and co-founder of Co Parenting Companion.
Tiffany discusses her work in providing separated families with evidence-based, compassionate, and collaborative solutions as an alternative to litigation. She dives deep into the challenges and solutions for co-parenting, emphasizing psychological flexibility, kindness, and effective communication.
Tiffany highlights the importance of supporting parents through the separation process to reduce conflict and foster better outcomes for children, providing practical strategies and insights into co-parenting dynamics.
Highlights:
- Managing narrative around separation
- Importance of co-parenting skills
- Addressing emotional triggers effectively
- Understanding co-parenting boundaries
- Overcoming binary thinking in conflict
Timestamps:
[01:52] Tiffany's Journey into Co-Parenting
[04:12] Challenges of Co-Parenting
[07:21] Impact on Children and Families
[11:39] Skills for Effective Co-Parenting
[16:09] The Role of Psychological Flexibility
[25:02] Practical Tools and AI in Co-Parenting
[37:08] The Importance of Grace and Letting Go
About Tiffany Rochester:
Tiffany Rochester is a Clinical Psychologist and Co-Parenting Coach. Seeing the trauma inflicted on families by broken systems providing woefully inadequate support, Tiffany founded Co-Parenting Companion to provide separated families with evidence-based, compassionate collaborative solutions as an effective, accessible alternative to the traditional pathway of litigation. Her big-picture vision extends beyond immediate alternative dispute resolutions to fundamentally reshaping how society supports families post-separation for the lifespan of the child.
The legal pathway can cost families more than $300,000 and take up to four years (25% of a child’s life!). Tiffany argues it was never the right answer for families in transition, and that it is the foundations of psychology, not law, that pave the pathway to healthy co-parenting after separation.
The first of its kind in Australia, Co-Parenting Companion is a Coaching service to support separated parents to co-parent with simplicity and ease as they raise children in one family across two homes. Through Tiffany's signature program, the Co-Parenting Intensive Reset, participants are guided to reconnect with their values and learn effective strategies for raising children across two homes, with self-care for the complicated thoughts and feelings that are part of co-parenting with an ex. Co-parents are welcomed into the Co-parenting Companion community, with monthly group coaching calls and an extensive membership resource base of videos, tip sheets and how-tos to keep co-parenting low-conflict and effective. As a qualified Collaborative Coach, Tiffany coaches co-parents to reach Parenting Agreements and facilitates non-adversarial collaborative separations with a team of Family Lawyers, Accountants and Financial Advisors. Find more information about how Co-Parenting Companion is changing the landscape of separated co-parenting at https://coparentingcompanion.au
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Reach out and let us know you are listening and what you would like to hear on the show - email:lifesdirtylittlesecretspodcast@gmail.com
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Transcript
Societal Pressures and Emotional Challenges
00:00:02
Speaker
We are all very human and fallible, and yet we live in a society that rewards pretending we're not fallible, or the range of acceptable fallibility is narrow. We are constantly comparing our insides to other people's outsides and feeling inadequate and guilty, even ashamed. Trying to blend in means parts of ourselves will disappear, and we must then live in fear that we will be found out. Here, together, we will create a space where we can laugh, cry, and carry our suffering and hurts lightly in the service of being deeply human.
Podcast Introduction
00:00:36
Speaker
This is life's dirty little secrets.
00:00:42
Speaker
Welcome to Life's Dirty Little
Meet Tiffany Rochester
00:00:44
Speaker
Secrets. I'm Emma Waddington. And I'm Chris McCurry, and today it is our great privilege to have with us Tiffany Rochester, who's coming to us from Western Australia. Tiffany is a clinical psychologist and co-parenting coach, and she's the co-founder of Co-Parenting Companion to provide separated families with evidence-based, compassionate, collaborative solutions as an effective, accessible alternative to the traditional pathway of litigation. The first of its kind, an Australia co-parenting companion is a coaching service to support separated parents to co-parent with simplicity and ease as they raise children in one family across two homes. Welcome, Tiffany.
Compassionate Solutions for Separation
00:01:28
Speaker
Thank you. I was so happy to be here. Really delighted to um have this conversation with you. Thank you. Yes, it's great. Oh, hope parenting. Oh, that is
00:01:37
Speaker
got to be a minefield. I think that is definitely the the dominant narrative about it. But I wonder if it if that's going to be the same conclusion by the time we get to the end of this conversation. I don't think it has to be. Well, that would be wonderful. So what got you into working with this particular group of individuals? Obviously, there's a high need for competent compassionate people working with folks who are experiencing separate families or separate homes, one family.
Tiffany's Career Journey
00:02:12
Speaker
ah You're right that there is a really high need and there is a really low level of supply. And I think if you'd met early career me, I wouldn't have predicted that this was quite where I was going to end up either.
00:02:27
Speaker
Across my career, I've always been committed to the pointy end or the sticky end or the more complex end of family dynamics. And i I think that was because of the way that I started my career was in a multi-systemic therapy program. And that was working with the families of repeat juvenile offenders. And I don't know. and Well, I think at that time I thought it couldn't get much more complex than that. What that gave me was a really excellent grounding in how important it is to look at systems and context to understand what it is that is driving really difficult and challenging behaviours.
Early vs Late Intervention in Family Court
00:03:05
Speaker
And what I saw was families in desperate need of compassionate care, of the non-judgmental stance, and of somebody leaning in to say, I really want to help you because I can see this pathway isn't serving you.
00:03:20
Speaker
and I fell in love with working with the context and systems that way. As I've moved through my career, around a decade later, I started working with families who were caught in family court going through the litigation process. and The way that they would come into my practice was that they had been mandated to come and see me by a magistrate. They had been given the goals that they needed to work on in their therapy with me and it was reportable so I would send a report back to the magistrate about how these people were doing in the therapy process. None of those contingencies set up a really beautiful safe zone to be able to do vulnerable work and I was struck by
00:04:07
Speaker
How much is way too late in the process how much money people had already spent in legal fees instead of on holidays with their children.
Importance of Early Intervention
00:04:19
Speaker
or not even holidays, just a general pleasant life with them, how many years had been lost in stress and turmoil because the answers that they had sought had been through an adversarial pathway. And there hadn't been early intervention service saying, here, let me walk with you. Let me help you get through this. So it was time to do something. It was time to take the the science that we know works for shaping behavior and helping people to have positive, healthy relationships and support these people in those early stages so that they could have that pathway as well. It is so thinking about cases that I've worked with and how they have sort of ended up in the courts, it would have been incredible to have someone like you early on in the
Conflict Narratives and Communication Challenges
00:05:10
Speaker
process. And I think part of it is the lack of understanding that it is possible
00:05:16
Speaker
to do things differently, isn't it, really? It is. I think it's two things. I think one is the dominant narrative that we have around what separation looks like is one of estrangement and conflict, and that's played out over and over again. and ah We watch you know networks of friends and family wrap around a person when they're ah going through a separation, and they do the loving and caring thing of, I'm with you, I'm on your team, but often what that looks like is, and I am no longer on theirs, and can then
00:05:49
Speaker
reinforce a narrative around conflict and estrangement. And then there's not good knowledge of alternative pathways. So we have a lot of people who desire to have a ah low conflict amicable separation. They don't want to go down that legal pathway. In fact, we know that 70% of separating couples don't want to go down a litigation pathway. And so they reach what's referred to it as a kitchen table negotiation where they try and work it out.
00:06:19
Speaker
on their own. and The difficulty with that is that they're there with all of their pain, all of their grief, all of their anger and hurt. It's incredibly painful when relationships end. and In all of that, they're taking the skills that they currently have, which might not be the best communication skills because they're in a dynamic of conflict. and That's what they're taking to try and figure this out in amicable solution. It's so terribly unfair.
00:06:48
Speaker
for them to feel this pressure that they need to do it on their own. But if they don't know that there's any other option than going down a legal pathway, you can really understand why they would give that a red hot go. That's what I see is is ah families who just don't know what else to do or where else to go. They don't know that there's other options available. and That's when they get stuck in these unworkable dynamics. Yes, and you're absolutely right. It's a time when they are struggling.
Impact of Conflict on Children
00:07:21
Speaker
There's a lot of grief and heartache. Perhaps there's even been betrayal. It's really hard to want to have a conversation with your partner.
00:07:31
Speaker
And then there's all the anxiety around children. you know And we have a lot of data coming out about the impact of separation on children, which increases the anxiety and the worry. And I think it escalates the emotion and ironically makes it all worse. Because if I'm right in in saying that the the research really points to The real damage or the real complexity for children is when they experience a lot of conflict. Even in in couples that remain together, it's the conflict more than the separation per se, which hurts them the most. so And people know this, right? We know this as adults.
00:08:21
Speaker
that we need to be mindful. And yet it's like creating more anxiety because, you know, we can't have conflict. And so we get more upset and more, more worried. And that just adds sort of floods us with emotion and makes us even less effective when it comes to these conversations.
00:08:42
Speaker
Look, that's absolutely right. So we know that 21% of kids from separated parents end up with difficulties across mental health, social and academic outcomes, romantic attachments, behavioral issues. And that's twice the rate that we see in intact families.
00:09:01
Speaker
And you're also right that children in intact families where there are a lot of conflict between the parents have the same issues as children who are growing up across two homes where there is a lot of conflict. But the words around, yeah well, shield your child from conflict, they're so easy to say, but the skill of it is really hard because it's not just overt conflict about whether the parents are swearing at each other or whether there's a physical aggression
Parental Skills and Self-Care
00:09:31
Speaker
between them. It's also or the covert, the tension that they can see across a parent's face when the other parent calls or when children are made to be the messengers because the the parents
00:09:43
Speaker
are in such height of stress. and and and Often, those decisions around how to do that are being made with the intention of caring for the child, with the intention of doing what's in their best interest. But what when have what we haven't been doing is working with parents to to help them develop their self-care toolkit for how do you actually do this? What does that look like? How do you respond to your children when they ask you really hard questions about the other parent and you think that they're justified questions because you're hurt too? What do you do?
00:10:20
Speaker
when your co-parent is late returning kids. What do you do when your kid is three versus seven versus 13 when you try to figure out how many nights they should have their head on a pillow at your house and a head on the pillow at somebody else's? There's so much that people have to figure out in this space.
00:10:42
Speaker
Hopefully, for most people, this is the only time that they're doing this, or maybe a second time, occasionally a third time. People who are separating are not experts in separation. and so So often, not only is it that it's difficult to know the how,
00:10:59
Speaker
in the shielding children from conflict part, it's also really difficult to intuit what is in the best interest. How do we step this through? And what I'd want to say to anyone listening is you're not supposed to know, like you're not supposed to have this in the back of your head just in case your relationship breaks down.
Navigating Relationships Post-Separation
00:11:20
Speaker
It is so useful to have a conversation with somebody who is an expert in child development or human behavior, who can sit and bounce with you around what it is that your children need, what it is that your family system needs as it goes through this transition to do it in a really healthy way. Often I say to couples, because I mostly work with couples who want to stay together, but those that are considering separation, is that you need the same skills.
00:11:50
Speaker
to separate as you do to stay together. And then our ability to treat each other respectfully and kindly, to listen, to consider our partner's perspective, to influence by our partner's perspective, sort of continues even when we separate.
00:12:13
Speaker
We don't cease to need those skills. It just becomes harder because there's more feelings or more difficult, challenging feelings towards your partner. But those skills continue. yeah We need to continue to develop them. and It's so powerful to hear, to be validated in the way that you've just said that you're not expected to know how to do this because it is complicated and it evolves as the children grow and as situations and so the ability to continue to have these conversations is paramount and to get the support to do that is really important.
00:12:55
Speaker
you're You're exactly right. that it's You do need the same skills and you need them at a higher level of competency. and so It is really important. The same skills, but a different lens. One of the things I think is difficult for parents as they make that transition is that the relationship as co-parents is quite different in the boundaries and expectations than it is when you are a romantic couple. One of those that I think is useful to be across is when and when when you're in a relationship with somebody, you want what's best for them, you want them to do well in their career, you want them to have
00:13:33
Speaker
Healthy connections with their friends and family and we are into a lot of our behavior around trying to really provide a context where that can happen when they are your co-parent.
Managing Betrayal and Emotions
00:13:44
Speaker
we want to orient all of our behavior around how do I get the best out of this person for where I need my life to go. So rather than looking at their broader perspective, we're looking at what do I need from them for our children to thrive and for my life to thrive. It's a different, so same skill set, but a different lens, which takes a lot of the pressure off where some of the conflict ruptures can happen. And it also makes it clearer around which boundaries
00:14:11
Speaker
Do you need to hold with a co-parent, what level of involvement do you need to have in the various steps in their life, and which ones are you now allowed to give yourself permission to care less about, to let them do things their own way, and to seek their own their own information sources, their own support sources around those.
00:14:30
Speaker
Great. And as I'm listening to you, I'm thinking about those, some of the, the, the challenges that might arise emotionally for an individual. If there has been been a betrayal or a lot of that, it's really important that they get help for that because being able to do have these conversations, navigate this, the world of co-parenting.
00:14:57
Speaker
I talk to my couples and I call them Jedi skills like these are real Jedi skills and that we need to be in a good place to be able to have those conversations.
00:15:10
Speaker
and you know tact and timing is really important, making sure that and you're in a place where you can have a reasonable conversation, but that you're getting support, you know perhaps from an individual therapist from your community, to feel validated in your pain and so that doesn't come into those conversations. Yes. so I think you're right in terms of those Jedi skills you it is knowing how to have your emotions rather than your emotions having you, how to change the relationship that you have with your thoughts so they don't have that same pull over you.
00:15:51
Speaker
and When those are in place, then yes, it becomes so much easier to step into the conversations or to choose the timing or to choose the tone and the action. and I think also that piece around who do you want to be? How do you want to carry yourself in this? What do you want your legacy to be? What story do you want your children to tell? and Of course, as we're talking through all of these themes, we're talking through definitely the psychological flexibility model that comes out of contextual behavioral science. and i think There is such richness in the holistic framework of that model for looking at how do you care for yourself so that the actions that you take reflect who you care to be.
00:16:34
Speaker
And that does mean knowing what to do as those thoughts and feelings show up in your body because it's a tsunami. There is so much that happens in that space. And and often parents are so focused, understandably and appropriately focused on how are how are the children going to go? Are the children okay? What do the children need? and And the part that they're missing is you might not need to get your child into a therapist.
00:17:00
Speaker
You just might need some care, some nurture yourself and and maybe with your individual therapist and maybe working with a coach with ah the two of you together to look at that, to to help you be healthy and feel strong within yourself to be able to do those actions that are really complex and hard.
00:17:19
Speaker
You mentioned psychological flexibility. One of the best definitions I've come across was actually at a talk at a conference a couple of years ago, and the presenter said that psychological flexibility was the ability to navigate challenging situations effectively, even in the presence of difficult thoughts and feelings. Exactly. It's a nice, elegant definition.
00:17:45
Speaker
as opposed to some of the nerdy ones ah that are out there. But yeah, that's the thing to be able to hold all that and not get swept away by this particular idea or emotion to keep your eye on the prize. It's incredibly difficult.
00:18:04
Speaker
I think the other part that's in there as well is the teasing out the narrative that we have created about what behaviors mean and the very practical what we could observe with a video camera of the behaviors that are in front of us.
Understanding Behaviors and Threat Mode
00:18:17
Speaker
and So often when I'm sitting with a couple ah and and we're stepping through what is happening in their conflict,
00:18:27
Speaker
the stories that they have about the ruptures are so different from what the other party understands is going on and so sometimes we will have, for example, a story of that, you know, they're blocking me, they don't want me to be involved in the child's life, you know, or they they don't want to be helpful and what's happening is the other parent is feeling flooded if they're getting a whole heap of information from the other parent in a way that that isn't good for for their system and might be in verbal confrontation where they do better with email and and notice. And so the other parents, they go, no, I'm i'm trying, I'm trying, but you know you keep hitting me when I'm in threat mode. And so even being able to just step away from, this is the story I have and get down into, this is the behavior that I see.
00:19:10
Speaker
is such a powerful tool. i mean There's not enough at a systemic level, I think, teaching people how to detangle from the narratives and and get down into what's actually happening in in the behaviour.
00:19:21
Speaker
But understanding what it looks like when your co-parent is in threat mode and how that is different from when they are feeling safe or when they are feeling motivated, knowing how to soothe your co-parent when they're in threat mode. And that that doesn't mean acquiescing to them or lying down and being a doormat, which is often the, ah you know, the polarity that people have in their mind that it means so that they can calm their co-parent Bring their defenses down in order to look at where is our shared value in this space? Where do we have similar aspirations for what we're trying to achieve and how can we work together to do that?
00:20:02
Speaker
Well, when people get stressed, they get very binary absolutely and they get very all or none. And it's really hard to extricate yourself from that. It takes a lot of mindfulness. And yeah also something you're touching on is one of my favorite topics is mentalizing the concept of sort of interpersonal mindfulness, where you're thinking about the other person thinking about you, ah you're thinking about their intentions. And that tends to go out the window when we get stressed, because, you know, there and it's all about me. We essentially become four-year-olds. We come become highly eco-centric, very rigid, very binary.
00:20:46
Speaker
Yeah, we do. and and And that's absolutely geared around that evolutionary wiring that we have, that when we're in that zone, we think we're fighting, if we feel, if we cross our whole body, up we're fighting for our lives, we're fighting for survival. And things need to be black and white when when we're fighting for survival. I've often thought with my own children, when they are feeling frightened or or scared, ah in my head, there's this narrative of why do you have to be so ugly when you're scared? like like It would be it'd be so much easier to lean in being compassionate and kind if you could just be pretty when you're uncomfortable. It doesn't work that way. And so knowing that that is not the best place to have a negotiation, that that is not the best time to come up with new solutions because the person is in that binary space. They can't hear them. They're not open to them. And we need to bring their arousal down. We need to create that context of safety.
00:21:42
Speaker
so that they can be open, so the rest of them can come online. And of course, because we're looking at people going through their darkest days often, they've been spending way more time in their threat zone with each other. And so they can also have this enduring narrative that this is their true colors or this is who they really are. But what they've actually seen is this is who they are under chronic stress and chronic threat mode.
00:22:08
Speaker
And all of us go to that binary space when we are in threat mode. And I never want to be judged as who I am as the entire person based on who I am when I'm under threat and fighting for survival.
Mindset Shifts in Disagreements
00:22:21
Speaker
That's so powerful. And I'm thinking of of a previous conversation we had a couple of days ago on the secret power of disagreements. Yael, who was on the podcast, talked about you know a real shift of mindset.
00:22:36
Speaker
when we're in a disagreement, how, you know, the habitual, this regression, just seeing our perspective and really getting really fused with our version of the world and our version of this person who is now a threat. And that really in those moments, our perception is very limited. And like you said, Chris, it's regressed.
00:23:06
Speaker
you know We regress in those moments and we're very binary. and What you said that I don't want to be defined, by the way I am when I'm in this regress state is so true. How do you help couples, partners in those moments to change their mindset? where What are the steps or what do you help them see? Because that is such a sticky tight place for many.
00:23:35
Speaker
Yes, yes it is. and we And we don't want to be trying to do the intervention right there in that moment when all of that is present. And particularly because also so many of our memories are encoded with emotion. So when that emotion is really high and hard,
00:23:48
Speaker
All of the perception that's available to us is around every negative moment that that taps into with that person and across our history. when i'm If I'm with two people together and we're in a coaching session and we're looking at something that is a tricky moment between them, sometimes what we'll look at is what is the kindest Way that you could consider their behavior. What is the kindest interpretation we could give here and and Definitely generating multiple hypotheses. So so like yes, you could be right They could be doing this to just make your life a living hell and because they really hate you and that's all they think about all the time or it could be that they're really stressed or it could be that they didn't realize you needed that piece of information when you did or it could be this or this what is the kindest interpretation and
00:24:33
Speaker
knowing that we don't need to chase whether or not that interpretation is true or accurate, but looking for if I choose that interpretation, what does that make available for me?
Tiffany's Co-Parenting Program
00:24:45
Speaker
And usually what that makes available is a softening or a compassion or a kindness. It it opens up a space to respond in a way that is more aligned with who they care to be and less aligned with escalating conflict.
00:25:02
Speaker
The way though that that I've set up a lot of how we do things at co-parenting companion is ah one of our programs is our co-parenting intensive reset. and That's a hybrid model of live coaching with me and online video content. There's so much video of me that I tell them they'll dream about me in their sleep. It's probably true. It's a lot of me. But that's very it's very deliberate to provide the content in that way. One of them is because it makes it far more affordable and accessible that that families who are trying to figure out, it especially in this massive cost of living crisis that we have right now, ah it means that
00:25:42
Speaker
It makes it a far more affordable program because it's not relying on me to have to be physically present to deliver every part of it. But the thing that I think is more valuable in it is that they can do those components at home, where they are comfortable, where they are safe, when no one else is watching, including their co-parent, because it does take some space to be able to look at who am I? What is my part in this? What am I not proud of?
00:26:11
Speaker
turning towards the parts of me that I might not want to ever put up on YouTube or show to a coach or a therapist until I'm really safe and I definitely don't want my co-parent to know about. it Because the more that we know the painful parts of us and the unacknowledged parts of us,
00:26:28
Speaker
the more we're able to soothe them and come and take care of them, it's very hard to take care of a stranger. And often these emotions have been so scary. They are treated like strangers and they're not understood. They're not heard. And so they get louder and louder and louder. So we get to do that part of actually understanding who we are and what shapes us. And then the next part, which actually gets to your question, I promise I haven't lost track of it, Emma, around looking at how do you soothe that?
AI Tools and Group Coaching
00:26:53
Speaker
How do you bring in a compassionate,
00:26:56
Speaker
approach stands towards those feelings. How do you help them to be there and be less hurtful for you as you have them? When you have those thoughts that are shooting around in your mind looking at how do you diffuse from them? So how do we play with them in a way that is different? And Chris, I'm not sure how you will feel about this. that There's a lot of AI options that have had I include in there as well because as technology evolves,
00:27:22
Speaker
like How wonderful to be able to bring that in as a hack. so We look at a lot of ways to use chat GPT to simplify the message that you might have gotten an email from a co-parent or to take those words and pop them into a limerick or put it into iambic pentameter or help you then formulate a response that is kind and firm and holds boundaries and is respectful so that you don't have to spend hours crafting that yourself so that we can have this space of, I feel triggered.
00:27:54
Speaker
then I've got these skills that I can quickly pop in to reduce my sense of trigger and then I've got this next toolbox that I can use to quickly respond in a way that is values consistent so that then I can get back to the rest of my life that I'm living apart from this person that I can be present with my kids that I can be present with my family and friends.
00:28:14
Speaker
because this part is now far more contained. So a lot of practical skills and, gee, it is easier to learn those on your own in a supported environment, coming back to the coaching course to then check out like which which parts of that have you got, which parts are hard, which parts do you not know quite how to apply to your exact circumstance.
00:28:35
Speaker
The other thing that we have available within that then is the option between individual one ah-to-one coaching. But my preferred way of working with people is in our group coaching program because then there's also that connection to other like-minded co-parents, people who are having the same difficulties, who are having the same struggles.
00:28:53
Speaker
and who have the same vision and mindset of creating that one family across two homes, of being amicable, of making collaborative co-parenting the dominant narrative. And at the moment, they're counterculture. But by the time we're done, it's not going to be.
Benefits of Amicable Separation
00:29:14
Speaker
So empowering, isn't it? The message that I'm hearing is that even when we separate in a place where there's a lot of pain and struggle, we can still separate amicably. Like there is a process by which that can happen.
00:29:36
Speaker
it is a process and or lots of pieces to it that it is possible and it's in the service of our own well-being as well as the well-being of our children. And potentially having a, like you said, one family, what I see when I work with single parents who have separated in not very amicable ways is how much loneliness there is. It's a very lonely place to separate and not be able to rely on a co-parent.
00:30:11
Speaker
So to recognize that this process is important for you as a parent, as well as your child, I think that's really key because it doesn't have to be this hard. Even when terrible things have happened, it doesn't need to be this hard and it's worth spending time working with someone like yourself, Tiffany, and getting the right resources because it is possible. And like you said right at the beginning, I think that you're absolutely right. We are so tribalistic humans that we will gather our army, our tribe,
00:30:48
Speaker
And inherent in that, it's an us versus them. It's, you know, me and my community are supporting my perspective, validating me and reinforcing this binary, sometimes binary approach, which can be incredibly painful and unhelpful. Even though in the short term, it helps us feel seen and understood. In the long term, it leads to a more adversarial relationship with your ex-partner and your co-parent and ultimately makes it much harder for you to be, not just a parent, but just to exist really.
Effort and Energy in Co-Parenting
00:31:29
Speaker
And that's the process that you were describing of using AI. We had a conversation with ah Diana Hill just yesterday.
00:31:37
Speaker
about wise effort and the idea that we should think about what we put our energy into so that we're deeply and i was talking to a client who is a solo parent.
00:31:51
Speaker
because of the way the separation went. And talking to her about how limited resource is and why she puts her energy in. And you're absolutely right. A lot of energy goes into how I'm going to respond to my partner or my ex-partner, how I'm going to make sure they understand how hard it is and how unreasonable they are. That takes a lot of energy. And I just don't have a lot of, because when we're solo parenting, it takes a lot.
00:32:22
Speaker
to do that and to look after ourselves and to ensure that we have lots of different pieces working in our life. So I love that idea of how we allocate resources using AI. That's phenomenal. I hadn't thought of that, but it makes complete sense. Let's reduce the load on ourselves and at the same time become more skillful.
00:32:46
Speaker
it's It's so important, I think, to to know that exactly. That unhealthy relationships can end in really healthy ways. and I love that concept that you spoke to around wise effort. and Then that example that you gave that is so common about, you know i want them to I want them to take responsibility. I want them to understand how terrible they've been. I want them held to account.
00:33:08
Speaker
and Then when I look at the effort that's involved in that, I think, well, if they didn't listen to you when you were together, if you couldn't achieve that change when you were yeah in love, then what on earth makes you think that they're going to listen to you now?
Behavior Change vs Accountability
00:33:23
Speaker
and You've probably tried that over and over again, and it's not getting you anywhere good.
00:33:31
Speaker
So looking at that different lens that I spoke about earlier, then we want to look at instead, what's the behavior change that you want to see? Because it's likely that the strategy of trying to get them to take responsibility and admit how terrible they are is not getting you closer to the behavior you actually want from them to make your life easier. I think this is a far broader conversation, just separated pairs, but it comes down to the doing what actually works rather than this society message we have about what is supposed to work. and What actually works might not look like that person ever saying, ah yes, I have been a complete and utter jerk and it's all my fault. Conversely though,
00:34:16
Speaker
Sometimes that's exactly where we do get to. When we help people bring their defenses down, when we help them know how to look towards their emotions with love and care and how to then shave their own behavior to be values aligned and when they interact with their co-parent. I have witnessed the most beautiful conversations between separated parents where each of them have apologized for what they see they contributed to the breakdown, where they see they have made things harder. They're the conversations that give me goosebumps and they make me want to cry. I can't believe I get to bear a witness to them. And when I see them happen, for anyone who's listening and thinks this is impossible, when I see them happening, and I think back to when I first started working with these pairs,
00:35:00
Speaker
we wouldn't have, based on what's out there in the dominant narrative, we wouldn't have predicted that they would ever move to that space of being able to do that.
Influence of Positive Change
00:35:08
Speaker
And more powerfully for people who are working with a really tricky co-parent who are thinking that there's no way, there's no way we'll ever get them there. When we have just one parent who steps in and decides to do that work for themselves, decides to change the way that they are behaving towards their co-parent in order to bring their co-parent's defenses down and taking good care of themselves,
00:35:28
Speaker
we see changes in those co-parents too, by default. Of course we do, because we are people who interact with each other. And so even there, we've had examples of parents who have never gone near a coach, possibly never gone near a therapist, who have come back to the parent who has done the work and apologized for their part in the conflict.
00:35:51
Speaker
so There is a lot that is possible in this space. and My goodness me, it is so worth it for the change in that dynamic, for the reduction in that stress. It is easier to do it right at the start. It's definitely an easier thing. My favorite time to start working with parents is right at the point that they're about to tell the kids that they're separating because then it's it's quite easy.
Early Intervention Benefits
00:36:17
Speaker
to get a good co-parenting dynamic in, starting at that point. It is harder, definitely doable, but harder if it's more entrenched and it's been several years. But it is not it is it doesn't have to be minefield and it doesn't have to be complicated and exceedingly hard work if parents step in right at that first part. What you mentioned about the other parent, the one who has not been, you know,
00:36:47
Speaker
receiving the beneficial coaching and counseling. I mean to this point, seemingly on their own, I think is marvelous. And it it does speak to what we were talking with Diana yesterday about it. I mentioned Grace, and she gave me kind of a quizzical look. But I think there is something to be said about, you know, creating a different field, you know, a different context, and whether that's two people together or it's simply radiating out from
00:37:19
Speaker
one of the individuals, I think it does impact people and in subtle and maybe not so subtle way. So I believe in that. And I have nothing against AI as long as it doesn't like take over the world and put me to work. I completely agree with you though, Chris, that I also talk about grace a lot about having grace with each other. Really important concept. Yeah. There's an energy there that is healing and I think can permeate things.
00:37:48
Speaker
I think it was another podcast guest of ours who said, the more you give up attempts to control the other person, the more influence you can have.
00:38:01
Speaker
Yes. It's paradoxical. And of course you can't try to control them less in order to have more influence. It doesn't work like that. Like the intention can't be to ultimately change that behavior. But listening to you describe that process by which we let go of our need for them to do something like apologize or express regret or change their behavior, the more likely we are to feel heard and understood and potentially get the apology. But you have to really give up on that attempt. You have to really come to it. Giving up being right.
00:38:48
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely, giving up the fight to be right. And I think you're right. We can't do one to do the other. And yet, how liberating is that to give up trying to control them? You're not having control over them anyway. But to be able to let that go, how much more energy there is for other areas of your
Critique of Traditional Advice
00:39:08
Speaker
life. And I was thinking, is this something we know very well as parents? One of the things that I would hear a lot from children that I remember having words coming in my mouth like this in my childhood and what I, unfortunately, sometimes hear from my own kids, is that moment when they're about to do a chore, they're about to do a task, and the parent jumps in and prompts for it. and The reaction to the child is like, now I don't want to do it. like I was going to do it, but now you've told me I'm going to do it, and now I don't want to do it. and That's where the rupture happens. It's exactly that. It's just generalizing that across to this new dynamic.
00:39:44
Speaker
Yeah, and I totally get that in my adult world, ah to be honest. It's not just children. I agree. There's something about, yeah, being seen that's so important in that, right? And if people jump in and tell us what to do, they take away our autonomy. I refer to it often as the rage against the machine button.
00:40:08
Speaker
Well, it's reactants is the psychological term and it shows up a lot in healthcare. You know, you need to stop smoking and patient goes off and smokes three packs that day, simply because they were told they can't do it anymore. And we certainly see that in in a lot of the ah stock standard co-parenting courses, they are full of do this, don't do that, do this, don't do that. And they are condescending and they are patronizing the parents that I serve.
00:40:37
Speaker
don't need to be told to work in the best interest of their children. That is exactly what they're trying to do. That drives every part of them. That is not the problem. The problem is how on earth do I do that when my heart is hurting, when my world is split in two, when I don't want my children to be away from me, and when I have no idea how I'm going to make these finances work. That is the part that we need. Not what you do, but oh my goodness me, how?
00:41:04
Speaker
That's right. Yeah. And it's so invalidating to to hear those messages like as a parent that as if I didn't want to put my children first. course i And I think there is that message isn't there that you know and sometimes keeps like I when I'm working with couples that are very volatile. There's a lot of fighting. you know They stay together for the kids and that's really complicated because it's not that simple. I wouldn't advise that either. I would certainly advise doing the work with you. like I'm certainly on team stay together, find a solution, recruit in the help, and work to find that way
Courage in Separation
00:41:40
Speaker
out. and If that is not available, when that pathway
00:41:44
Speaker
isn't open, then the courageous thing to do and the best way to look after your children and yourself is to allow that to end, is to step into a separation. And for the reasons that you highlighted right at the start, Emma, that children are far healthier if they grow up across two homes without exposure to conflict than being exposed to a toxic dynamic in the house.
00:42:10
Speaker
not to mention what the parents are modelling about what a healthy romantic attachment looks like. So there is it is courageous to leave. It's also important to do that when that is the when when the pathway for staying is no longer available.
00:42:26
Speaker
In the time we have left, this sounds like a fantastic program.
Tiffany's Unique Program
00:42:32
Speaker
And I'm wondering, is anyone else doing anything remotely like this, say here in the States or anywhere else? Are you aware, Tiffany, of of any other programs that are like this? Or are you going to have to be the one to travel around the world and do workshops and train people? and I don't know any like this, Chris. I do know of other co-parenting programs. A lot of them are targeted around how to get through mediation, which, and I conversation for another days, is I'd i'd ah prefer for for people to look at collaborative practice, ah but but how to get through in the separation or they're the, you know, the what to do, not how to do it. One of the things that really I found so surprising within our own field of science is that
00:43:20
Speaker
contextual behavioural science has so much richness to it, so much depth that serves these families, and yet I wasn't seeing any of this at any of of our conferences amongst our peers. I think there is... Commitment Act had done incredible work in this space at a systemic level in Sierra Leone, and that sort of different lens, not working at people at point of separation, but more at the point of i staying together in a healthy way, and that work is absolutely phenomenal and deeply inspiring.
00:43:48
Speaker
I don't know all of the providers across the states. We we do ah serve people internationally, so our programs are available to people in the states and sometimes the time zones even work out really well for that.
Vision for Family Law
00:44:01
Speaker
But yes, doing more training, getting this information out there, letting people know that there is an alternative is something that I'm very fierce about and anybody who would like to join with me on this. This crusade is very, very welcome. that There are ah yeah are a lot of people across the family law space who do share a vision for healthy separations, for non-adversarial solutions. So there's a lot of people who have the energy and drive for this change, for this shift, but using the science that we have to support people in this way. I'm not seeing that done anywhere else at this time.
00:44:41
Speaker
I'm so glad you are. It's a really important, it's a really important piece because inevitably we know that people separate.
Conclusion and Call to Action
00:44:48
Speaker
Like we can't pretend that's not happening. In fact, I often see people that should have separated a while back yes and end up, you know, making things terrible for the family. And so I think the message that you can do a good job at separating and that it can be better for the children and better for you is a really important one because like you said, it is the most courageous choice sometimes.
00:45:17
Speaker
we We will put your website on in the show notes for this episode. And if you think and of any other resources that might be useful that we could put in there as well, please send this to us and and we'll we'll put whatever we can there. But this is this has been marvelous. It's awesome.
00:45:37
Speaker
Thank you so much for the opportunity to have this conversation. I work with the most beautiful parents and the work that we do lights me up completely. They are the most beautiful people doing the hardest work in their darkest days. And to be able to let other people know that there are options available for them is it's deeply important to me. So thank you so much for inviting me to be your guest. Thank you. Thank you. And thank you for all that you do.
00:46:08
Speaker
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00:46:29
Speaker
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