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Why High-Achieving Women Feel Lost in the Bedroom (And How To Fix It)
84 Plays1 month ago
High-achieving women are wired for success—they dominate in business, lead with authority, and make things happen. But when it comes to intimacy and relationships, many feel lost, disconnected, or stuck in their own heads.
In this episode of The CEO’s Wingwoman Podcast, I sit down with Courtney Nolan, Australia’s go-to relationship and intimacy coach for high-performing women, to talk about:
✔️ Why so many ambitious women struggle with intimacy (and why it’s more common than you think)
✔️ How personal confidence influences business, leadership, and decision-making
✔️ The parallels between intimacy coaching and business coaching (yes, they’re connected!)
✔️ Two simple shifts that can transform how you show up in your relationship, your business, and your life
If you’re scaling your business but feeling disconnected in other areas, this conversation will challenge you in the best way.
🎧 Listen now and start feeling more in control—inside and outside of business.
📱 Connect with Olivia:
Instagram: @oliviajenkins.co
Website: https://www.oliviajenkins.co/
📞 Want My Eyes on Your Business? Book a Private CEO Gameplan Call with me or my team to map out your growth → Book Here
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Transcript
Introduction to the CEO's Wingwoman Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
You're listening to the CEO's Win Woman podcast. I'm Olivia Jenkins, your host and strategic partner, helping you elevate your brand to cult-like status. Over the past five years, I've helped over 500 visionary CEOs to generate in excess of $70 million in revenue.
00:00:17
Speaker
And now it's time for me to share my tips, tricks, and strategies to help you supercharge your growth. I'm here to help you step into your power to develop a bulletproof business and growth mindset to match.
00:00:29
Speaker
Consider me your secret weapon to scale. Let's get started.
Meet Courtney Nolan and Her Expertise
00:00:33
Speaker
Welcome back to the CEO's Wingwoman podcast. Today, i am so excited to be joined by none other than Courtney Nolan, Australia's favorite and spicy relationship and intimacy consultant who has helped countless women deepen their connections and step into their true power.
00:00:52
Speaker
It has been an absolute honor to have worked with Courtney for the past few years. And she's also a valued member of the Business Advisory, my signature program program for female consultants. I cannot wait to dive into this conversation with you, Courtney.
00:01:06
Speaker
This is going to blend your expertise in relationships with the behind the scenes of building a thriving business as a mum. So welcome. I'm so excited to have you here. Thank you.
00:01:18
Speaker
Let's kick off to set the scene. I'd love for you to explain who you work with and why you're obsessed with this work.
Addressing Intimacy Challenges for High-Achieving Women
00:01:27
Speaker
Well, thank you for having me Obviously, like we chat offline all the time. and So this is just fun. i help high achieving women who are usually perfectionists or identify as a recovering perfectionist who nail everything business, but in the bedroom feel like they're lacking. So feel...
00:01:46
Speaker
not so confident to the point where they avoid initiating and then get to that point in their relationship where they're like, oh my goodness, like, what do I do now? Is my husband noticing that I'm doing this? How's it affecting our marriage? I'm just going to throw myself into work um because that feels easier than working at what's happening in the bedroom or why I'm not feeling confident, why I don't have that playful side in between the sheets that some of the girls just seem to have.
00:02:09
Speaker
So I'm obsessed with it because i don't know, it's it's really fun. i love it. I love how every client is so different. I love how just when you think somebody is coming in with one particular thing, they change they're like, oh, i actually, no, it's this or this is what I'm feeling. Like it's more than just sex.
00:02:30
Speaker
And I think that's like the biggest eye opener that I get from clients. They're like, oh my God, like I came in because it was like our sex life is so boring. Like we do these three positions because that's what we know and I just want it over with as quickly as possible because I feel like, you know, super embarrassed and insecure.
00:02:46
Speaker
And then we start diving into everything else that it impacts, that it's like it's so much more than just sex and the ripple outwards when they master this in between the sheets, you know, fun times is insane.
00:03:01
Speaker
Amazing. It's so interesting. I love talking about this topic because I feel as though it's something that a lot of women and particularly in the professional context, because obviously, you know, for a lot of women that are in, you know, professional careers or in businesses, it's not necessarily something that is at the forefront of conversations.
Breaking the Silence on Intimacy at Work
00:03:20
Speaker
So to really bring this topic into, you know, broad daylight, so to speak, and encourage women to talk openly about their sex lives, about intimacy and some of the challenges that they're facing behind the scenes, I think is so powerful because as you pointed out,
00:03:36
Speaker
It's definitely, you know, a part of us and the the more that we can work with stepping into our power and our full confidence in this space, the more that it's going to have that effect across lots of different parts of our lives, including our business as well. So knowing that you work with clients that are, you know, CEOs or professional women, i'd love to hear from you some of the things that you see with clients that are sort of the the top things that for let's say a professional professional woman, fair listeners of the CEOs of Wing Woman podcast, what are the the top problems that you see with clients when they first start working with you?
00:04:16
Speaker
They, i think the first thing is they come to me because it's like they've recognized they're not initiating sex and that's now becoming a problem because their husband's like, I'm always the one to say, let's do this. Let's try that. Let's do this. And you're not interested.
00:04:31
Speaker
And so now it's getting to that point where it's been going on for so long that it's like, I want to say breaking ish point because it's like, what are we
Intimacy Issues: Insecurity and Avoidance
00:04:40
Speaker
going to do about this problem? Because I'm the one who's not showing up for sex because I'm feeling and uncomfortable or embarrassed or insecure about what my body looks like, what we sound like, what I smell like, any of the things.
00:04:53
Speaker
I'm feeling uncomfortable with all of this. And that's why, you know, when he initiates, you're like, o I'm not doing that. But he is reading that as rejection. And that's impacting your marriage because it's like, well, my wife is rejecting me like in this most primal connective way that we need in our marriage for it to feel fun and exciting and playful and not like work what the heck is going on so women come to me because they're like oh I'm at this breaking point we're at this like real crisis point in our marriage of like something needs to change or I'm worried he's going to go and sleep with somebody else and I can't actually blame him if he does because
00:05:29
Speaker
I haven't been doing my share of the bedroom activities. I haven't been initiating or I haven't even been like showing up properly. I've kind of just been like a passenger in all of it. I'm like, whatever you want to do is fine.
00:05:40
Speaker
Are you enjoying yourself? Like for of like that outward external focus instead of like, well, actually, I don't even know if I'm enjoying this. Like, I don't know if this is fun for me. So it's like, you've just, and to no fault of your own, but it's not a topic that's spoken about.
00:05:54
Speaker
Like that's, that's, that's my biggest thing. Like people come into my office and they're like oh my goodness. Like you make this so digestible. Like it actually feels good to talk about it in here. Like, like, you know, this is the only time in my fortnight that I get to speak about this and actually feel like you're not going to judge me.
00:06:10
Speaker
and I'm like, yeah. Cause like I live for it. I'm like, I love it. And I think that's why, People get to a point in their marriage where they're like, okay, we've been together about
Sex as a Relationship Health Indicator
00:06:20
Speaker
10 years now. Like we've had some kids, business is booming, but oh my goodness, like my relationship feels like really hard work and I actually don't know where to start. And that's part of my problem is it's like, I'm overthinking all of these things, what I look like, what I smell like, what he's thinking.
00:06:37
Speaker
to the point of it being like, okay, I won't do anything. yeah So that's like that point when people come in and they're like, just help me, this is my mess. And I'm like, it really is the same template every single time because it's like, I don't know where to start. I'm such, you know, as women who like are high achievers and love to have a win under their belt or feedback under their belt or that instant, like, yes, you've done a job, you know, a job well done.
00:07:00
Speaker
Sex isn't that relationship. Isn't that like, it's not straight away. Yeah. It's so interesting as well, even just as you were unpacking all of that, two big things stood out for me. First one is sometimes we can lack confidence in things. It could be sex, it could be business, could be anything.
00:07:17
Speaker
And the other person can read that wrong and interpret that and make that mean something potentially that it doesn't mean. And I think I can definitely see that being a really big thing for clients.
00:07:28
Speaker
The second thing as well is comparison. feel like a lot of women compare themselves, you know, what stage of business they're at. I imagine as well that there is a comparison that potentially a lot of us would make when it comes to maybe reading where we're at with our sexual confidence or how we show up in the bedroom compared to friends or people in our network that we're having
Navigating Comparison and Communication in Intimacy
00:07:50
Speaker
conversations with. And even just that openness of being able to talk about it, as you say, because for a lot of women potentially, i wonder if they don't feel overly confident talking to their husband or their partner or their significant other about sex
00:08:06
Speaker
And so maybe feels a little bit easier to talk to someone like you about things where, yes, they're not going to be judged, but also they can bring things to the space and just, you know, know that they can say anything in that container and it's not going to go anywhere.
00:08:19
Speaker
Yeah, completely. and it's different because... I don't judge any of it. Like, as you know, Liv, like, I used to be in the cops. So being in the police force, you see everything.
00:08:30
Speaker
Everything. And that's why part of it is, like, you can't shock me with what you come in with. So when people come in, they're like, no. Exactly. Exactly. So I'm not the least bit baffled by I'm like, yeah, cool. No problem. It's like, this is where you're at. No problems. We can work with that.
00:08:44
Speaker
Or this is where I want to go. And I'm like, yeah, cool. Like, it's not for me to judge what you want your marriage to look like. i just want to help you get there. And the fact that I'm not in your marriage makes it easier to talk to me. Cause it's like, well, I'm sort of like that third person. It's like, Oh, Hey, what did Courtney say? It's like, I have clients who are like, oh what did Courtney say with this? And they'll come back in the next session and be like, yeah, I used you know what you said about this. And it made it more palatable for my husband to understand because it wasn't coming from me. So it wasn't a universe you. It was like, well, what did Courtney say? Like, what is her experience in that?
00:09:14
Speaker
What was the advice there? Or what was the framework that we were following to sort of get to an end results that we're on the same team? It's not, your opinion versus mine. it just, it's like having that extra reference point instead of it just being each other's experience, which obviously you can only speak from what you know.
00:09:32
Speaker
and that can sometimes be where the blinkers come on. So it's like, if you've, you know, had certain experiences before or you've spoken to friends before, they will just give you advice of what they like. So for example, even if it's like a position thing, if it's like, hey, this position really hurts for me, if your friend has different anatomy to you in a particular way or a particular position, of course, it's going to feel different.
00:09:55
Speaker
and But this is where it's like going to friends for certain things, by all means, I think is powerful. But when it's something that you're like, I just want to navigate this at a pace that feels good for me with a little bit of a nudge in the right way.
The Power of Personalized Coaching in Intimacy
00:10:09
Speaker
That is where like I feel like I come into complete control.
00:10:13
Speaker
excitement because I'm like this is so good it's like yes I know exactly what you need or yes I can see it it's kind of like this big mob map that it's like okay cool you want this let's move in this direction but it's just it's in my opinion and it experience it's been so much more powerful when it's like personalized advice instead of just following Cleo's top tips Follow these 10 tips if you need this.
00:10:37
Speaker
And it's like, yeah, cool. That might work when you're 16 and you're still figuring it out. But when you are somebody who loves results and you're achieving shit everywhere, but the bedroom feels soggy and like, oh, I don't know where to start.
00:10:49
Speaker
You kind of want it more of a tailored approach. You want more of a high end experience because you're better than just a sealed section of Dolly now. You want something that's more elevated. That's how you know you need a retinol. If you know what the Dolly sealed section was, the number one sign.
00:11:05
Speaker
Totally. But it's like, you just, you want something more because you're not getting business advice. You're not like, you know what I mean? Like you're not going to read Dolly and be like, oh, they said to do this with my bank account. so I'm going to go and do this.
00:11:16
Speaker
It's the same thing with your marriage. It might be okay for a teen romance, but when you've been married for 10 years, you've got kids, you've got assets, you've got businesses, you've got this, this and this and everything else. And you love each other that super deep way. just want to tweak the romance. You just want tweak the intimacy because it's like then shit just gets so much better.
00:11:34
Speaker
There's more of the passion. You feel confident. Like was literally having this conversation with this week with a girl because she's like, oh, it's just about moves or positions or some Kama Sutra. And I'm like, no, no, that's just the tip of the iceberg.
00:11:46
Speaker
Everything else is like the clothes you wear, how you feel in a conversation, how you feel pitching an offer, how you feel in a boardroom setting, how you feel showing up to, you know, your kid's play group. It is just how you, it's a feeling.
00:12:00
Speaker
It's not a denting thing. Completely. And it's like, you know the women I'm talking about when you see them. You're like, oh, she just oozes it. She's so magnetic. She's so comfortable in her own stuff. Whether or not she's rocking up in trackies or, you know, the black brand new drop that's just happened.
00:12:18
Speaker
It's different. It's like it's not an external thing. But when you have good sex, you feel so connected to your husband that you feel empowered. You feel...
00:12:29
Speaker
confident and powerful, which is why I love working with women and high achieving women because they get it. They're like, oh, I know that feeling you're talking about. I know what that's like when it's like, oh, that is just crème de la crème.
00:12:44
Speaker
It's so interesting as well, just as you were chatting through that, I was thinking, you know me, analogy queen. was thinking about having, you know, a sex coach or an intimacy coach and how it is similar in a way to having a business coach in the sense that If you are getting very generic information from a book or a course or something, and it's not tailored to your business, the advice might be, you know, go out and create courses. Courses is the thing for you. But if you connect with people in a live setting better and you get energy from a group in a live situation, you go and build your business around being a course creator or something,
00:13:19
Speaker
that's not necessarily going to work for you because that's not in line with what you feel good naturally about.
Tailoring Intimacy Coaching to Individual Needs
00:13:25
Speaker
And that's going to look different. and to And, you know, between people that'll look different, it would be the same. I imagine that's what you see with coaching as well. And same thing with the anatomy point from earlier, just because a certain position might work for one person doesn't mean that person B has the same anatomy for that to work for them. And it's the same, isn't it? Which is why working with someone like yourself is so powerful.
00:13:47
Speaker
because you're getting that personalized advice that meets you really in a pace that you're comfortable. Because i know for me, I've spoken about this publicly before in another podcast.
00:13:57
Speaker
I grew up in a really religious environment. so I grew up as a Jehovah's Witness. And there was a lot of very sort of strict guidelines and rules around, you know, sex and talking about things like this. It was very taboo growing up.
00:14:12
Speaker
So there were a lot of belief systems as a child growing up in that religion that carried through into adulthood. And, you know, I've had to unpack and work through. My pace might be a little bit slower to someone else's who, you know, didn't have that upbringing and doesn't have as many blocks around that.
00:14:30
Speaker
So I think it would be really interesting to to consider the pace as well as the content. The pace is so different. And I think there's like different levels that we work through.
00:14:44
Speaker
and I find it fascinating. Like some things people are like, yeah, I can nail that, no problems. and And then work through it very, very quickly. But again, like you're saying, like it is your upbringing. And it is the support that you have at home. So some clients will come to me and their partner is so on board.
00:14:59
Speaker
And he is like, yes, what's your homework this week? Like, what are we working through? And then I see other clients and they're like, my partner doesn't know about this. My husband doesn't know, or my wife doesn't know. and it's like, I just need to air this because I feel like there's something wrong with me because I don't, you know, crave sex every day or because I crave sex every day and I don't know how to communicate that because I don't want to come across looking, you know, slutty or anything of the like.
00:15:22
Speaker
But it's like when you're looking at like the bedroom confidence, it is about being able to communicate whichever side of that fence you're on and have your you know, your spouse involved as well, because at the end of the day, like it is, it's a, it's a journey that you do with you, but I just, i just helped tweak it so that it's like, you know, when to push, like, you know, when to move through these things. Or have you thought about it like this?
00:15:45
Speaker
Like my client yesterday was sitting on the couch and they were like, oh my goodness, like the way that you talk about sex is like nothing I've ever heard before. He was like, the way that you describe it and you just talk about how it, when it's embodied, it's so different. It's more than just like, hey, which position should we try? It's like, how does this feel in my body? What does that look like? What can we achieve?
00:16:05
Speaker
And then it just changes the whole way that you show up for your day because you feel confident or you feel connected to yourself, which It's like we were saying, like, that's an identity piece, but it's like not everyone moves at that pace or realizes it that quickly. So it's like having somebody there for accountability, but also the support you need.
00:16:24
Speaker
Yeah. Who's not in it for another reason. Like, it's it's just about... Like the way that when I work with clients and see it, I'm like, you need somebody to hold you accountable with stuff, also to be able to see your blind spots.
00:16:37
Speaker
But then lastly, like you need to have somebody there to like soften the blow with some things. If this is the first time you're looking at sex in this way or understanding how it's not just this one thing that's about how quickly you can orgasm or any of that. It's not just that one piece. It's this flow on and the connect to connection that you get with your with your husband. Yeah.
00:16:59
Speaker
it's It's all of that. So it's like if your relationship feels like there's a disconnect or if you haven't had sex for a number of weeks and you're like, why are we so nitpicky with each other? Why does it feel like everything's so hard? Why am I feeling like this resistance? Like, why am I getting so worked up about how you just hung the tea towels on the oven the wrong way for the 50,000th time? It's like, okay. Yeah.
00:17:17
Speaker
And I should, you if you're like, Hey, when did we out last have sex? And if you can't remember it, then it's been too long. If you can't go, oh it was then it's like, okay, well it's been too long. Like what's happening with us. Like it's that, like, it's so funny. Cause even before I did this work, I'd be like the barometer of a good relationship is like, is your sex life.
00:17:35
Speaker
And it's when you last had sex. Like i remember even saying this in the cops and people would be like, Oh, it's been ages. It's been months. And I'm like, That's wild to me. I'm like, with one of the people, is over it was over two years. And I was like, yeah like like it's not even a- I definitely of couples that it's been like five years. And yeah, I definitely think there's a lot to unpack in that.
00:17:58
Speaker
One question I do have for you though is, you know how you were saying before that some people crave sex all the time and other people are sort of happy, you know, just ticking along and it's not hugely important in them, and you know, in the context of life.
Understanding the Spectrum of Sexual Desire
00:18:12
Speaker
what like What is that? Is that a male-female thing? Is that an anatomy thing? Where does that come from when someone's just got that innate drive versus maybe somebody else takes a little bit of time to warm up to the idea and then they're good?
00:18:29
Speaker
I think there's a few different scenarios personally. Okay, let's take the person with a really quote-unquote high sex drive. Yeah. I want to know more about the person, right? So why do you think you have that? Like, what's your definition of high? Like, what's too much? And is it a problem in your marriage?
00:18:47
Speaker
Like, is it actually a problem or is it just something that you think is a problem because society is like, oh, no, that's too many times a week. If it's not two to three times, well, that's too many. I think the difference then with somebody who's like, oh, i no, I could happily, like, never have sex again and that's okay for me.
00:19:01
Speaker
My question is, you know, would be to explore why is that? Like, how, you know, what's the conditioning around you? Like, what have you, what's your perception of sex? Is it just because you believe that it's penetrative sex?
00:19:16
Speaker
Or is it that you, you, you're somebody who's, who doesn't, like there are asexual people who don't crave sexual touch at all. yeah And that's okay too. But it's like, if you're in a relationship with somebody who does, like that's when it becomes a bit of a drama and it's like, okay, cool. Well, what, what can we do to change this?
00:19:29
Speaker
So I think people have different, like, it's not actually referred to as a sex drive anymore or ah it's just more of like, um, desire is more of the terminology at the moment so whether not you've got like a sexual desire but I mean I still like the term sex drive because I think it just covers it quite quite well but people have different sex drives different desires it's the stress I think of life that impacts that so with men for sure I like a lot of the time the argument is like look they're just good to go like they're just a physical being they're happy like let let's do this and obviously this is the client's then
00:20:05
Speaker
Do you think men are, when like, let's say for example, and obviously I'm going to say that this is a huge generalization, but a lot of men, including my husband, if they have a really stressful week or a really stressful day for a lot of men, generally sex is a thing that helps them wind down. And so it acts as a stress relief. Whereas I feel like for women, and I would put myself in this category too, again, as a generalization, when I'm stressed, it's not what I feel like doing.
How Stress Differently Impacts Men and Women
00:20:33
Speaker
because I want to retreat and I'm a bit touched out and I just want to chill for a minute and not necessarily be you know, in an intimate situation that wouldn't necessarily result in stress relief. Maybe, you know, if he was persistent and and that ended up happening, maybe, but I feel like our natural default for a lot of women is when I'm stressed out, I just need to take a step back because I've had too many people touching me, too many people talking to me. And right now I just need to be in my bubbles.
00:21:01
Speaker
If we're generalizing and keeping it very broad strokes, in my experience, it's been men have that physical need straight away, whereas women need their emotional needs met first.
00:21:13
Speaker
So particularly when you're feeling stressed, it's like, i need to feel safety before I'm feeling sexually stressed. ready to roll. So safety can look like a number of different things, but it can also look like that. Like, I feel like my man has got me covered.
00:21:27
Speaker
So if that's, that's why I say, I'm like, seriously, if you pick up a vacuum, she's going to be turned on by that because it's like, Oh, you've got that covered. Like you're healthy.
00:21:38
Speaker
and Unless you're Lauren, I think her name is from mass recently. I saw this commercial. i don't know if you've been tuning in to mass. I swear I wouldn't this year. and I got sucked in. um but essentially she was saying that she saw, think his name was Clint, saw Clint doing the dishes.
00:21:55
Speaker
And then she was referencing how she's really attracted to alpha men and seeing him do the dishes for her wasn't exactly a turn on because for her, she wanted him to be the alpha not being domesticated.
00:22:07
Speaker
So it's super interesting, isn't it? Because there's such different views. For a lot of women, they would be like, oh my God, amazing. He's doing the dishes. This is such a turn on. But then for other women, it could be, oh, actually, I'm seeing you in a domesticated sense now.
00:22:20
Speaker
i going to hook up the trailer or, you know, doing something manly. Completely. And I mean, that's why everyone is so different. So your version of him, you know, meeting your emotional needs might be doing the groceries, but that almost so might be that thing that's like drives you insane because he buys the wrong things.
00:22:37
Speaker
But it's like when we talk about your emotional needs, it's like, I need to know that you've got me regardless. I'm feeling stressed. So I need to know that you can support me in the way that I need. And then I will feel sexually turned on.
00:22:48
Speaker
Whereas guys, more often than not, you can show them a boot pick and they're like, oof, let's do it. It's miss that really instant, like, yeah, it's a more of a reactive thing. Whereas with us, with women, it's like, okay, we need more of a slow build of desire. Like we need to be constantly stoking that fire, which is why I say, and I'm not sure who said it first. It was, maybe it was like S. Pearl, but it was like,
00:23:08
Speaker
foreplay starts the moment sex finishes so for us we like to have the oven preheated the whole time so that is when all of those other little things that when I'm saying to couples or saying to him i'm like well this is what you you know we need to be communicating with your husband because he doesn't realize that when he just takes out the rubbish without being asked like that's that's a turn on or when he just brings home flouts or when he just cooks in it or when he just you know sends you a text message of just because hey I'm thinking of you this is what I'm in love with or sends you a song and it's like, hey, this came when I'm thinking of you. Like, this is why our thing, you know, our reactions to sex are different because we need different things.
00:23:45
Speaker
Honestly, the boob thing or the bum thing or a nude pic, guys, usually ah like, amazing, love this. Whereas with women, it's like if you've put the, it's the effort behind it or like the listening behind it.
00:23:57
Speaker
If I know that that resonates so much with you, if I know music is your thing, and if I send you a song that's like, hey, I heard this and it made me think of this. Well, that time we were at the beach and we were dancing to that or whatever it is, that just is your emotional need. It's like, oh, God, you like you really see me.
00:24:12
Speaker
You really appreciate me. And that is where, like, at the very essence of our relationships, that's what we're looking for. and that is when we are so much more interested went for sex because it's like, oh, you really see me.
00:24:25
Speaker
It's not just about having sex. It's about us connecting in that really nice primal way that then just feels so aligned. So, like, yes, our sex drives are different and, yes, some people are more, like, interested, but...
00:24:38
Speaker
i like I would ask more questions with somebody who's like, oh, I could just deal with not not having it at all. My usual question then is like, okay, but like what's the sex like that you've been having? Is it just penetrative sex? Have you talked about oral? Have you talked about what your preferences are?
00:24:52
Speaker
Have you explored different things? Do you actually feel safe enough with this person to do that? Like safe enough emotionally. like That's why I'm like... Genuinely, the amount of people who I truly believe would be okay with not having sex, it's a small amount.
00:25:06
Speaker
For everybody else, I'm like, okay, but sex is more a buffet. All these different things come come into the equation. It's not just one little penetrative sex that lasts for about 90 seconds and then you're done.
00:25:18
Speaker
It's about the foreplay. It's the touching. It's the kissing. It's the conversations. It's the general intimacy. All of this. And you really do with all of that. And then how is your marriage any different to a flatmate friendship relationship?
00:25:30
Speaker
and Yeah. A lot of it I think is avoidance too, because, you know, we're pre-wired to keep ourselves in our comfort zone. And I imagine that sex is no different. So if you know that in order to move past something, you might have to put yourself out there. You know, potentially a fear of rejectance rejection could be underlying that as well of, you know, if I step out of my comfort bubble and I attempt this thing and I,
00:25:54
Speaker
you know, don't do it right, or I get met with rejection, how is that going to make me feel? So i wonder if a lot of that is also just sheer avoidance of the whole thing and feeling as though there's that rejection piece there.
00:26:06
Speaker
But realistically, as you were chatting through that, again, my business brain is just going, wow, this sounds so similar to when we hire a team member, we you know, we're building out a team, and we can make assumptions as leaders that maybe that the office bantics or the things that are acceptable in that organization, that person is going to have the exact same situation here. So for example, if you could use your phone comfortably in your previous organization, you might make the assumption that in the new one, you can do that as well, but your new employer or you as a leader might not be comfortable with that.
00:26:41
Speaker
So the more that you can set expectations for your team, the more that you can tell them, okay, This is what the definition of success looks like. This is what, you know, we're not so that they've got that really clear boundary and goalpost around it's this, it's not that.
00:26:56
Speaker
It strikes so many similarities between what you're talking about because if only we actually told our significant other what we like and what we don't like and had those conversations more openly, we probably would be, you know, for a lot of us, we probably would be in a very different situation with our intimacy if we approached it With the same level of openness maybe that we do with our team, we could join that structure and that openness to the bedroom, to
Communication in Intimacy vs Business
00:27:23
Speaker
our relationship. I wonder how much of a difference that would actually make.
00:27:27
Speaker
And I think that's where when people come in and work with me, I think that is why they get that like, oh, I'm like, this can be like a sounding space for you. So you can even rehearse what you think you want to say or see how that feels or just move through what's thinking in your brain in a really safe space without worried that your husband's going to judge you because he's like, yeah.
00:27:51
Speaker
yeah So I think that's why like just being able to feel it out. And then sometimes like with clients, I've gone, okay, well, like what was your introduction to sex? Like, like what happened when you first tried that? Or what was, you know, your first partners, like how did that play out?
00:28:03
Speaker
And usually then it's like, you know, if you think about when people become sexually active, those first experiences, like they can be, they're conditioning for it too.
00:28:14
Speaker
so it's like if you've had ah bad experience or, you know, it hasn't gone as glossy as you thought it would be, you're going to use that in your marriage now in your thirty s and your 40s. You're going to be like, oh no, this is exactly what's going to happen if I try this again.
00:28:27
Speaker
yeah or that that fear that you had when you were 17 and you tried like this particular position or you initiated it in that way and you got met with whatever you got met with, if it wasn't positive and you're still hanging on to it, it's like,
00:28:40
Speaker
Of course you're not going to be like, yeah, let's try that again. I'm feeling really good. You're going to be like very reluctant or a bit standoffish or, hey, what if I make a fool of myself? Or what if if you what if but if it doesn't look as good as I think it looks? Or what if I don't look like the, you know, the porn or whatever that we've seen that on before? Or on the movies it looks like this. Like why don't I look like that? Or, do you know, it's it's all of that, like the comparison that we spoke about before.
00:29:05
Speaker
And that just, I genuinely feel like that comes into the fear. So it's just like, if you don't have someone that you talk about, and if your communication in your marriage isn't on topics of intimacy, it doesn't happen overnight.
00:29:18
Speaker
You need someone to help you feel more comfortable with them. It's like the conversations in your head, if you aren't having them out loud, They're not really, you're not going to be able, you're just marinating on them.
00:29:30
Speaker
you're You're going to just work yourself up into a tiz instead of being like, hey, I actually don't know what I like in the bedroom. Can we try a few different things? Please don't laugh at me or just I need you to really hold space like you do when I come to you with a business idea. Like I do when I come to you with a business problem and it's like, hey, this is what I'm going through. Can you just give me that same sensitivity? I'm not looking for a solution. i just want support with it.
00:29:51
Speaker
And the support that I'm looking for is, the way that you don't, your face doesn't change. Like I've said to my husband before, i'm like, I need your face not to change when I ask you about this or ask you if we can try this. I need you not to react.
00:30:03
Speaker
Just, and then he's like, Ooh, I'm like, you're not pushing out of poo. Just look at me. Like, look at me plain, look at me without, like without changing while I bring this up and then we'll go from there. And I'm like, and then just have a couple of seconds.
00:30:16
Speaker
So it's like that reactionary face. And we all know, cause like, By achieving women. We know how to read people. We know how to read body language and look at faces and look at it and be like, oh, he's thinking this. The problem is we then attach a meeting that might not be quite correct.
00:30:30
Speaker
It might just be that he needs an extra a second to marinate on what the heck you've just said because it's so different to what you've previously asked for. When you've been like, no, we're not having sex with the lights on for like the 10 years of your marriage so far. And now you're like, oh, I'm flicking on a candle. I'm leaving the red salt lamp on.
00:30:44
Speaker
And hey it's like, what the fuck's going on? I've got no idea. What's happening? it's just like getting to that community. What's happening? So yeah, it's just about getting to that place with your communication, which is why it's always like it's outside of the bedroom conversations that improve the inside the bedroom conversations.
00:31:03
Speaker
Love that. So obviously both of us have a lot of training in NLP. We're both NLP master practitioners and just a bit of fun, fun fact info. So Courtney had a strategy session when we first met.
00:31:16
Speaker
And when I first met Courtney, that first strategy session, I was like, oh my gosh, Court, you would love and NLP. You need to go and do NLP. And so, you know, fast forward, we ended up, I so i signed up to do MasterPract and I've dropped into this training and Courtney's messaged me on this Zoom group being like, hey, Liv, oh my gosh, you know, we're in MasterPract together. So it turns out she went and did practitioner training and then we ended up in MasterPract together, which was so much fun, but we learned a lot about, you know, limiting beliefs or limiting decisions. And one of the things that I wanted to touch on is sort of, you know, for a lot of us, I'm in my thirties now and, you know, like everybody, I had a teenage life and early twenties life and all the things, but I imagine that a lot of women possibly may have had some type of
00:32:05
Speaker
trauma or negative experience that they've attached to and they've made a decision in that moment that it's not safe for them to be open sexually because xyz happened or whatever it may be i'm interested to know from your side courts if this is somebody listening to the show right now they're listening to this episode and they're identifying like a crazy person yes yes yes yes yes that's me and they're thinking gosh yes i had a situation when i was 16 or 17 or whatever it was. And, you know, since then I have made it mean that it's not safe for me to show up as my confident self in the bedroom because of this thing that happened a gazillion years ago.
00:32:44
Speaker
Is there hope for that person? What does that look like for for them?
Overcoming Past Trauma in Intimacy
00:32:51
Speaker
I just feel like I want to give you an example from a recent client about this because I can, I know you love an analogy, but here's a real life example. So one of my clients who was talking, so I launched a blowjob course, how to give him a blowjob, like blow his mind in 30 days recently. And she went into the course and then was like, oh my God, that was really helpful. And then messaged me. And then obviously, because I can't help myself, I'm like, I'm just going to pick up the phone and call this person who's got the number in the thing. And we're going to have a bit of a chat and see what next steps will look like.
00:33:17
Speaker
And she was talking about how she gave her first blowjob when she was 16. And so ah as soon as that happened afterwards, this guy completely ignored her, ignored her in school and then was talked about at school. So on the school bus was spoken about.
00:33:34
Speaker
So where the attack like once we unpacked it and like went through a strategy session, did the you know the deep dive, her attachment to that was like, when I give a blowjob, he will leave. These were the stories that she was just on repeat. So in her marriage, she was like, oh, I don't want to give a blowjob.
00:33:51
Speaker
I don't want to do that because he's going to leave. Because that is what happened the first time she did it. And that's what she's hung on to. Now, after working through and realizing, like, that wasn't even on, the like, the conscious part of her brain. That was, like, the subconscious.
00:34:05
Speaker
That was, like, that really deep level of, like, oh, my God, I didn't even know that was a thing. Like, my marriage is so different to that first relationship. Like, they are so different, but I was drawing the same, know, it was a bit of a confirmation of bias, but in, like, the back of her head.
00:34:19
Speaker
So it's, like, you definitely can change. It's a decision to look at why you think the way you do with support. Mm-hmm. But it's so possible. Like, it's as easy as making a decision that I want to change this and then investing and being open-minded enough to do it. Because it's like, that's where you you can read all that you want, but it's having that like application and that personalized application because no two bedroom experiences are the same no two upbringing is either saying no two intro to sex or oral or pleasure or intimacy are the same they're very unique so it's like you absolutely can like if you're sitting there going oh my goodness like no i'm too i'm too timid i could never do it on top of the covers i could never do it it's like
00:35:04
Speaker
completely if you but you have to be at that place where you're like okay I'm ready i'm I'm terrified but I'm so fucking ready because I'm ready to feel what these but what these girls are talking about like what these women are talking about when they're like oh it's the best thing ever I get my best ideas after sex or I feel so connected to my husband in a way that is like so primal I crave that and I think that's like that really special thing it's like When you make the decision, like I know live in a lot of the TBA stuff that we do, you talk about like your for and against motivation, like all of the and NLP stuff.
00:35:34
Speaker
Yeah. If your motivation is like, I want this, I want that marriage that feels good, not just looks good on Instagram. I want that marriage that is like, oh, I can come home and this is genuinely my safest space.
00:35:46
Speaker
I can be completely myself. I'm craving that. I'm craving that sexual creativity that I've heard people talk about when they're like, oh, it's euphoric. I'm craving that. that is when you can have such deep change and it is a feeling. It is from the inside out. It's not about like um any of the external stuff or how – many orgasms a week you have if you are somebody who is like okay I am nailing everything else but my marriage feels a bit like I don't really know like it's good but I'm like I want it to be great and I don't want to cringe on the inside or shrink inwardly when my husband starts to rub my leg because I'm like oh I just don't have it in me today oh I haven't had a wax in the last three weeks like oh what am I going to look like oh goodness I can't do this or you you're laughing you're laughing it's like this is a thing it's like oh I'm not ready for this or I'm
00:36:38
Speaker
You know, I haven't had a shower yet, so I just got home from the gym. Oh, I can't do that. Like, this is be terrible. If you are somebody who's like, I'm cringing or shrinking away from this, babe, we can definitely work on it. It is so possible. And it's just, you won't know yourself.
00:36:53
Speaker
Like, you genuinely won't know yourself. Big change. You'll be like, oh, this is just not even that hard. Or even just... With some of the cycle work, like your menstrual cycle, how sex feels different. like The women that I work with, their husbands are messaging going, oh, my God, like I now understand why sometimes if I slap her on the bum, she's like, yes. And then other times it's like, don't fucking touch me.
00:37:19
Speaker
And he's like, I'm understanding the cycle now. he's like and it's just... Everyone benefits from the education because it's like, we're not taught about that. So you think something's wrong and your husband is like, what the heck is going on? This worked yesterday. she loved this yesterday. The response was awesome. And then I do it two days later and she's like, don't you dare.
00:37:40
Speaker
They think we're such complex creatures. My husband says all the time, he's like, you are such a complicated person. the complex species. We don't understand you. it's just very interesting. But I relate to that a lot. There are times where if he even tapped me on the bum, I would turn into, you know, this irate monster.
00:38:00
Speaker
So it's so funny how there's definitely those little nuances with everything. um But I'm interested, you were saying before, Quartz, just about how, you know, you can make a new decision, you can overcome these limiting beliefs or limiting decisions that have held you back and you know, really step into your power as a woman.
00:38:18
Speaker
And I'm curious for you to just unpack a little bit. How does that change somebody's life beyond just the bedroom and the relationship?
The Ripple Effect of Sexual Confidence
00:38:28
Speaker
Do you see that spilling over into how somebody shows up in their business, how they show up in their day-to-day life?
00:38:34
Speaker
Is it an aura thing? I'm just curious to know when that change happens on, you know, the other side, what does that look like holistically for someone? Oh, that's a big question.
00:38:49
Speaker
yeah It can look like so many things. So for example, it could be that permission slip to slow down for some people and to actually connect with their body again and realize what they like.
00:39:01
Speaker
From a business perspective, it could be like, oh, actually I'm doing this. It could be that little confidence boost or that epic confidence boost that to actually put themselves out there, to put themselves forward for something, whether or not it's a promotion, a new offer, you know pitching to a new client.
00:39:16
Speaker
It could be any of these things. It is confidence. Like you look at the areas of your life where you're like, oh, I'd love to be a little bit more confident there. oh, I'd love to have um the skills to do that.
00:39:27
Speaker
You will then feel more compelled to do it. There won't be as much doubt because you're self-worth. Your self-identity feels so much more powerful and just connected. Like I know how woo-woo that sounds, but it's like, it's a feeling. Anything that you've been looking at lately, you're like, oh, I can't do that. Oh, I'm not ready. Oh, I'm not good enough.
00:39:46
Speaker
Those are all the things that you won't second guess. Mm-hmm. Purely because you're like, no, I feel so, I'm so grounded in myself. I'm so grounded in my relationship. I feel really good about this. There's no room for doubt. Like whatever way will be will be I'm just going to make it what I want it to be.
00:40:00
Speaker
so it's like it's NLP in the way that it's like you can remove those limiting beliefs when you decide. But it's like instead of being doubting certain things, whether or not you're ready for something in business, whether or not you're ready for it, it's like, no, no, I'm doing that.
00:40:16
Speaker
And it'll just it'll just turn out for me. It's like an absolute flash of your system because your system is like, oh, yes, I can do this. So you make more money because you feel more confident because you're not like, oh, don't have like that scarcity mindset.
00:40:31
Speaker
You don't have that, oh, it's not going to turn out for me. Oh, this is you know not a good decision. It just gives you that confidence and the support, the backing of you for you. So it just it feels so different. And you just you show up better. like Even if you think about when you promote yourself or you're on your social media, some days you're like, oh, I'm not feeling it. I'm like, I'm telling you, I guarantee those women who have not had sex that morning.
00:40:53
Speaker
here No doubt. Absolutely no doubt. If you are showing up like that, you're oh, I'm feeling a little bit soggy. I'm feeling a little bit more. You're not connected to yourself. You don't feel aligned. Even if what you're saying is like, oh, yeah, I guarantee them that you're like, oh feeling a little bit scattered all over.
00:41:09
Speaker
Mm-hmm. that's when it suffers. Whereas when you're having sex regularly, when you're having that experience with yourself, because it's more than just It's more than just your orgasm. Like if you genuinely think about your last orgasm or actually this can be homework, go and have an orgasm with yourself, with your partner.
00:41:28
Speaker
When you do, I guarantee you will not be thinking about anything else. That moment when you were on the cusp and that moment of like when you're getting pure bliss, it's like i call it like a factory reset because your brain, everything shuts down.
00:41:42
Speaker
And then everything slowly comes back online or just essential stuff comes back online. But it's like when you feel like that, you can cut through all of like any of the bullshit that's on your mind that's like unnecessary, any of the doubt about any of the decisions you've been making.
00:41:56
Speaker
ah goes because you have that sense of clarity. You've had that moment of grounding and you're so connected with yourself. And as high achievers all the time, we're like, oh, we want to be doing this. Oh, we want to be doing this.
00:42:08
Speaker
And you're constantly busy. this is like that forced slowdown with you. so it's like if you are like in that place of like, how can I make more money or how can I change this? Or why do I feel so you know stressed out over X, Y, zd You need the clarity so that you know which decision to make, which steps to take forward.
00:42:28
Speaker
Very welcomed. All about factory reset, I can tell you. That sounds lovely. i also feel like I'm going to be stalking everybody's social media now to see whether they're on stories, face to camera in the morning, and then I'll know.
00:42:40
Speaker
You'll know. You'll know because it's a glow, right? You just you just know. And then that's why like I've said to clients before, like I'll never send someone home where like as you know, go and have an orgasm because the the pressure, it just doesn't happen.
00:42:53
Speaker
But I'm like, just notice how different you feel. notice how different you feel afterwards yeah like if you especially when you have like a busy brain like me it's like and but but but all the time it can be hard to get to that place but it's one of those things that it's like if you ride a bike once every every five years it's going to be clunky when you get back on and try to like oh god I don't know what I'm doing so that's why I'm like if it's more regularly and if you stop looking at sex as just a penetrative activity and more of a buffet of all of these different things it doesn't feel so far away. It doesn't feel so impossible.
00:43:26
Speaker
You don't have to have like a massive sweaty rump. It can be any of these things, but it's that connection with yourself. And then the person that you're choosing to spend life with the sex with them. It's like amazing at the very essence of everything else. If anything else blew over fine, but as long as you've got each other,
00:43:44
Speaker
Everything improves. Your relationship improves. So then you're not as like nitpicky with each other. You're not as snappy with each other. The big things that you've got more like resistance against things. So like you're more of that team because at the end of the day you are a team.
00:43:59
Speaker
And then even more as a mom than me, coming from a divorced family, for me, it's so nice to be able to show my kids what I would be happy with their marriage to look like.
00:44:12
Speaker
I like if my boys had a marriage that looks like mine, i would be, i would be stoked. If im my kids model what our marriage looks like, where we talk nicely to each other, where we prioritize time together, where we, you know, we still navigate a conflict in front of them.
00:44:28
Speaker
So it'd be like, oh, yeah and I think it was a bluey episode about how they were squabbling or something. And my boys are just saying that they're like, oh you guys are squabbling. And I'm like, no no, this is a healthy conversation. mum and dad disagree on this.
00:44:39
Speaker
So we're trying to work out, you know, whose point is what so that we can chat about it. But it like it it comes from that connection that you have with each other. I can't see another way that that can be replicated other than with good intimacy and sex regularly.
00:44:54
Speaker
So interesting. And I think that conflict piece is huge because I think most people have either the had one of two camps generally, and and maybe a small slither in the middle of what you're modeling with your husband now, it's either you grew up in a household where you had explosive arguments that you witnessed with parents, or you never ever saw them argue at all. And there was like just nothing.
00:45:15
Speaker
very rarely do you hear people say that you know, they had conflict modeled in a really healthy way. And therefore they feel really confident navigating conflict in a healthy way as an adult. So I feel like there's definitely a lot of truth in that.
00:45:31
Speaker
Yeah. And it's just... it's It's modeling up for them because you want them to, like I think even just look the way that you you talk to each other, like the holding hands, when you are having sex regularly, like the physical touch still is important. There's a reason that they talk about like, escaped me, but like skin to skin when you have babies, you know, there's a reason they're like, that's so important for for mum to have bub, skin to skin, that soothes them.
00:46:01
Speaker
It soothes us as adults. Yeah. Having skin to skin. Like even sometimes I'll say to couples, I'm like, why don't you sleep naked for a while? as and As nice as your Peter Alexander Jami as are, sleep naked a couple of nights and just humor me.
00:46:15
Speaker
Tell me how it goes when you do it between sessions for a fortnight. Just like, just give it a go. Give it a go. And they just, it's just different. Hopefully this is not TMI for clients and probably my kids listening to this in the future. But. but hi and George has this thing. So my husband always has this thing where, and I've done it for years. Like we've been together for 13 years now. And he has this thing where when we're in bed and we're laying next to each other, if I put my head on his chest, that's me on his perch.
00:46:45
Speaker
So it's always like I'm on the, I'm the bird. and and And when I lay on him, I'm on the perch. But it's a thing. If I'm a bit crabby, he will look over at me and be like, Liv, come on, on your perch.
00:46:58
Speaker
And then I'll just like teeter over and then put my head there. And it is soothing. Like you get that warmth. then like you said, the newborn thing, it's little bit odd to consider in that type of format. But I think there's a lot of truth in that because you get that comfort and that connection. It doesn't necessarily have to be this super sexual thing. It's a little bit intimate. It brings you together, but not in a, you know, overly confrontational way.
00:47:21
Speaker
Yeah, and it's just when you are somebody who is so action-focused and in her masculine at work, so getting shit done and like task-orientated, it can be hard to sink back into your body and be like, what does this actually just feel likemate like for me? What is just a human touch, a connection, just for the sake of feeling connected and enjoying each other's company? How can I have that?
00:47:45
Speaker
And that's why, yeah, like sometimes with sex I'm like, It can be the holding of hands. It could be just like giving oral to each other or just one one person to the other. It could be just the touching or the massage or the rubbing or the oil or anything else. Like it's just that thing that you two get to do for and with each other to make each other feel good. Mm-hmm.
00:48:07
Speaker
it doesn't have to mean anything else. it This is the the only purpose is that you feel good. And that's where I'm like, that's when you feel so connected. That's when everything else feels easier.
00:48:18
Speaker
Instead of it being like, oh, we're moving through these like really tricky times of like, onboarding a new employee and I'm like oh it's really hard I'm navigating it if your relationship at home feels rock solid then that shit is easier it feels like I'm more capable I've got the resilience to navigate that I can do this because I'm feeling so much more grounded in myself and I know that I'm supported yeah love that So for those that are listening at home, and I imagine that there are definitely some people who are listening to this right now and potentially are now problem aware.
Getting Started with Intimacy Coaching
00:48:53
Speaker
Perhaps this is something that they've buried down, you know, Pandora's box and it's all the way down there. If somebody's listening to this and they're now problem aware or they were already problem aware and they were thinking, yes, this is really something that I need to do How can somebody work with you?
00:49:10
Speaker
what is the next step for someone to reach out to you if they love your vibe, which I'm sure they will because you're amazing and, and you know, I absolutely adore you. How do they take that next step to come into your world? And like, where does one even start with something like this?
00:49:25
Speaker
It's so funny that you say problem aware because I feel like it's like a light switch. It's like something that builds and builds and builds and then it's just one little thing that's like, Oh my gosh, I'm all of that.
00:49:36
Speaker
And that is usually the place that clients get to. They're like, this is the problem. I don't even know what the solution is. I don't even know what I'm expecting walking in into work with you. I don't know any of it. And that's amazing because at least you're open to it.
00:49:47
Speaker
So i most of my queries come through my website. So CourtneyNolan.com is the hotspot. There's a couple of different things on there. There is like, if you're only wanting to learn about a blowjob,
00:49:59
Speaker
blow his mind in 30 days is the creme de la creme start there otherwise i do one-on-one personalized coaching and it's for a minimum of six months or a one-off session there's two different types of people that it will suit with a one-off session like it's like a strategy session on hey let's just work on this one very specific issue like hey we're at this point in our relationship and We want to introduce a third, help me navigate this conversation so that we can find the perfect unicorn and have sex in a way that is fun and free and we don't ruin our marriage in the process.
00:50:32
Speaker
That might be something. Whereas with a six-month experience, it is we work together closely so we get to know each other very, very well. So I understand exactly what your marriage looks like, your in and out. So you will tell me more than you have told anybody else ever before and you will actually willingly, you'll be excited to do it.
00:50:49
Speaker
You enjoy our sessions. But that's the place that most people come and um and start. So it's six months together and we see each other fortnightly via Zoom. Yeah. It's a fun time. It will blow your mind in ways that I'm confident you've never worked with before, but it's coaching at its finest. So we work through all of the blocks that you have. We unpack exactly what you want your marriage to look like, your communication with your husband, um any of the sexual shame, your sexual mindset. And basically you just start off feeling really, really good about it instead of feeling shamed or unsure about why you feel like you do.
00:51:24
Speaker
hold your hand. It is just, it's a fun time. We're always a fun time. absolutely love speaking to you. I feel like this podcast could have actually gone for three hours. And um you said something before and it made me think of hotline and I was thinking how good would it be if once a month we could bring on the podcast and we could have Courtney's hotline where we get the the Dolly Doctor, the R-rated questions to come through from all of the CEOs out there that are these high-performing, highly ambitious women that maybe,
00:51:55
Speaker
have questions for you. So that's definitely something that potentially we look at, but let's land this plane together. You've shared so much valuable info. So thank you kindly for coming on the show today and sharing your wisdom in all of your spicy yet supportive ways.
00:52:13
Speaker
What is one key thing that somebody listening to the show right now can do starting today?
Actionable Tips for Improving Intimacy
00:52:21
Speaker
That's going to be that first step in the positive in a positive direction to help you know, improve things with their confidence when it comes to intimacy and their relationship? What can you leave listeners with?
00:52:32
Speaker
I've got two. Sorry, Liv. I know I'm pushing back the rules and your OCD is going to be like, don't do two, don't do two. so So the first one is a weekly check-in. Like this is the bread and butter of everything that I do. every And I say it because we've been my husband and I have been together together like nearly 10 years.
00:52:52
Speaker
And we do it through long distance, through co-parenting, you know what we've done. it So that's why it's tried and tested. And it is absolutely the tits. Every week, have a check-in and it is where you sit down with your, your husband and you ask, you know, 10, five to 10 questions. I post them on my Instagram every single week. There's different ones or create your own.
00:53:12
Speaker
The reason it works is because it's in an environment that you have that consistency. So it's every single week, you know, you have this time, your relationship is the priority in this moment. And you have this time where you can say everything and anything and it's judgment free.
00:53:31
Speaker
So if you've had, you know, a barbecue or whatever, um, and your husband's made a joke and hasn't landed quite so well with you. If you aren't happy to bring that up in the moment or you're too emotive or whatever it is, you know on a Sunday afternoon, hey, there's space for me to do that here when we're not going to be so highly charged about whatever it was and we can we can we can speak about it.
00:53:51
Speaker
So it works because you have that consistency piece, but then it also works because you're building like that that habit that relationship of I can say this you're listening but I'm also practicing using my voice and we're not in the throes of sex so it's not like coming out and it's like look we'll just see how we go away but it's practicing like the vulnerability that you have with each other so it's like I can say this and the reaction is going to be okay I can listen to what he's saying and I'm showing him that I'm listening. I'm demonstrating that.
00:54:22
Speaker
So you're showing each other how you can show it for each other. So when it's something like that barbecue example, okay, cool. That's quite vanilla. But if it comes down to, well, Hey, actually, this is what I'd like to try with sex. Like this is what I'm thinking. Or, Hey, I'm seeing a coach now because I want to feel better about myself or not be so self-conscious about what my fanny looks like post baby. It's like,
00:54:44
Speaker
Do you know what I mean? Like you can have those conversations. So the check-in, i am like, that is like my always like starting point. But the second thing is how often do you like kiss your husband with intention?
00:54:59
Speaker
So one of the things that we have been talking about lately with a lot of clients, and i'm like been trialing it with them. I'm like, can you just try this? Like, let me know how this works. A 20 second kiss every single day, 20 seconds, because it's long enough that you're like, Oh, I can relax and sink into this. It's not like a five second number. It's like, no, no,
00:55:15
Speaker
As passionate as you want. Like there's an episode on Sex and the City. think it's like season six because I'm a bit of a nerd with that. And they do, Berger and Carrie do a Hollywood kiss on the front of the courthouse steps. And if anyone's seen it well, they'll know.
00:55:28
Speaker
But it's like it puts you in a better mood. So when I'm like giving this homework, I'm like, just try this try this. Try this out. See how it works. Like if that is like your primary connection that you have or the only connection that you have for a day, 20 seconds is nothing. There's 24 hours in a day.
00:55:43
Speaker
But it is like that brilliant starting point where you're like, I'm putting effort in here. I'm being intentional with my marriage. I'm being intentional and I'm showing up for this person. I'm sharing my body. We're quite literally kissing. We're in each other.
00:55:55
Speaker
And it's like, okay, this is the beautiful place to start. And just see how you feel. See how you feel more connected and what goes on from there. Because then from there, we just build into sex and more conversations and deeper stuff. Instead of it just being like,
00:56:07
Speaker
hey, who's doing the pickups? Who's taking the kids to swimming? Does that car need to be registered? It's like we're getting to the place that we can unpack different things that we like or want to talk about or goals and feel more fulfilled than just doing the routine. Yeah, so good.
00:56:23
Speaker
Really good advice. I'm glad you gave two because I think they're two really good tips that people can take away now and start implementing straight away. Thank you so much for being here. I Appreciate you endlessly. And I'm so excited for this episode to air because I just know that community is going to get so much value out of listening to this. So thank you, Courtney Nolan.
00:56:47
Speaker
pleasure. Excited to have you back and hopefully we can organize Courtney's hotline soon so we can get all of the spicy questions answered. but That would be so fun.
00:56:58
Speaker
Amazing. Thanks so much for tuning in everyone. And I will see you on the next episode. Thank you so much for tuning into the show today. If you loved today's episode, be sure to let me know by leaving a five-star review at oliviajenkins.co.
00:57:11
Speaker
You can also connect with me via Instagram DMs at oliviajenkins.co or learn more on how we can work together at www.oliviajenkins.co. Have an amazing week and I can't wait to connect with you in the next episode.