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What Does it Mean to Close Your Circle of Friends?
30 Plays1 month ago
Today we dive deep into the topic of friendship. We touch on all things good, bad, easy, toxic, confusing, healthy, and more on this topic, but we round it out by sharing the concept of the inner circle and outer circle of friends, and what it REALLY means to "close your circle of friends", or, "close in on" your friendships. Great friends can be difficult to come by nowadays, so it's important to know how to identify great friends vs. good ones vs. bad ones, and how to maintain healthy friendships. We talk about how to choose who goes in the inner circle vs the outer one, and knock down misconceptions about family in friend groups as well. Overall, we think everyone struggles with friends at some point in life, so we are confident in saying this episode really is for YOU.
Until next time,
Beth and Ayla
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Transcript
Introduction & Importance of Friendships
00:00:00
Speaker
Friendships and finding and maintaining good friendships is a big pillar for this podcast. So in today's episode, we are going to go over many, many details of closing in your inner circle of friends. Everything from identifying the traits of healthy friends and friendships to what toxic traits can look like and to how you can go about closing in your circle of friends. And that might not always look like what you think it looks like.
00:00:24
Speaker
Absolutely. We see a lot nowadays on social media about friendships and we've even been noticing talk lately in our own friend groups and other places about closing in or narrowing down on our circle of friends. And we wanted to share what that actually looks like and basically all of the good, bad, the ugly and the real of friendships. It can be hard to find true friends, especially in this digital world and even harder to keep them. And even harder than that sometimes is learning to let some of them go that may be heard youth.
Art of Intention: Podcast Overview
00:00:55
Speaker
Welcome to the Art of Intention podcast with Beth and Ayla. Two best friends turn creative entrepreneurs. This is a place for us to discuss everything business, friendships, and faith and occasionally more. We're so excited for today's episode. We think you're going to love it. Stay tuned.
00:01:14
Speaker
Okay,
Traits of a Good Friend
00:01:15
Speaker
so Ayla and I are each gonna list five traits or habits to kick this off that we think make a good friend and or friendship. So my top five are number one, matching interests or hobbies or both being equally down to try new things. Number two, grace or basically just empathy. So, you know, not to a fault though, they need to know when they're being taken advantage of and so do you. But grace and empathy is important and you'll find out more why later.
00:01:44
Speaker
ah Three, an overall positive mindset or just really not a constant complainer, which is not to say they don't have bad days. Again, they need to be able to express their emotions and you need to be able to be a good listener, vice versa. ah Four, knows how to forgive and accept forgiveness after conflicts. This one is very big because friends will fight too and you need to make sure that your friends can handle small conflicts well and not overreact to them. wow More on that later as well.
00:02:09
Speaker
And number five, isn't 100% supportive of everything you do 100% of the time, AKA they can give tough love. They can correct you and disagree with you. They can give you constructive criticism and you know it's out of love. And I would say they also need to be able to take the same from you. So it works both ways, of course, with this one as well. And you know what? One little bonus one, they're drama free. Yes. They don't pursue drama. They don't like drama.
00:02:32
Speaker
I love that. I love that you had like the overall positive mindset and like not a constant complainer because I think like I'll kind of half steal that one because that's a big one for me. And not to say like, again, sometimes half of Beth and I's podcast days are just like Well, not complaining, but you know we're just catching up. And and yeah yeah, whatever we're going through, you know we we talk about it all the good, bad, the ugly, but that's different than someone who just like straight up can't have a good time when you're hanging out. like you know yeah Say your day is like a coffee and thrifting day, and they're just like, oh, I'm cold, and like this coffee's not very good, and I don't like this. like Everything, I can't stand that. And I think you and I are just too, we're just trying to have too much fun to deal with that.
00:03:13
Speaker
Exactly. Well, but, and I'm telling you, I don't care who you are, that will eventually drain on you. And there are sometimes people that tend to attract those kinds of people because they're kind of more mothering and nurturing and they tend to make those people feel very safe to vent to. And again, we need to be able to vent, but if everything's a complaint, if there's just if there's always stuff going on, then first of all, if you are that person,
00:03:34
Speaker
you Maybe see a therapist. They're great listeners. I'm not saying that as a joke. I mean, it's true. If you find yourself constantly feeling like you need to vent to your friends and vent to your family and everybody you're around, then you do need someone to listen to you, but make it your therapist so that your friends don't get sick of you. Yeah. And it's their job to like help fix whatever it might be. Might be causing some of that, but yeah, that
The Power of Listening
00:03:56
Speaker
was a good point. So I'll jump into my five points. um listening and being a good listener and again like it should go without saying but you know all these traits are friends that we think you should be to so like you should be a good listener yes and then hopefully seek out good listeners and when I say good listener like again someone who just kind of remembers the details that I actually have to work on this a bit about me you being a good listener yeah like it's so easy I think for either of us so just like
00:04:21
Speaker
go off about our day and then we, you and I, I mean, we know each other. So it's fine if like each other doesn't always remember, but just remembering those details. And then like next time you see them being like, how was that thing? Or how was this? And just like listening for the sake of listening and not just listening for your response.
00:04:36
Speaker
And I say that because that's what I tend to do. I tend to be like, here's what I'm going to say while someone's talking. So I really value a good listener and it teaches me how to be like a better listener too. Because because it feels so good, right? When people like a week later or a month later they say, how was that thing? How did that go? ah It blows my mind. And I've, I never feel more loved honest to God than when like a friend who is just, you know, they're just like a nice friend asks me about something that they remembered. And it makes me feel also quite guilty because I realized I'm not very good at that yet either. And I'm always working on that. I totally get that. I or ah I had a friend ah who, if I had a problem about something, he would kind of just like reiterate what I was saying. It was so cool. Like I was, you know, sharing some story about something. And he would pause and like the power of actually pausing and not just being like, because that's probably how I can. yeah But he paused and he was like, Oh, so what you're saying is like this person did this to you. And
00:05:35
Speaker
you think that's wrong because of this and like now you're in the situation and I'm like yeah like just that it sounds maybe strange but it I felt so heard and listened to so I try to do that when especially if people are confiding like to me with a problem I like I'll kind of reiterate it to make sure I'm understanding so that it just it feels really nice.
Communication & Emotional Maturity
00:05:55
Speaker
Smart yeah that's like that active listening yeah that people talk about yeah Uh, next up is just being emotionally mature. You can express your emotions in a mature way. Um, it kind of goes a little bit of what Beth said above, but just like to really drive the point home that there will be conflicts in friendships, usually small ones, but an emotionally immature friend can turn those small conflicts into big deal. And, and, um, like a communication kind of comes with that being emotionally mature to like.
00:06:26
Speaker
Instead of just like turning to passive aggressiveness or turning to sit and let things fester and like just doing some high school behaviors, you know, like a lot of us are in our mid, you know, farther than mid 20s. We're beyond that. We're beyond these games. Like let's cheer up. Let's talk to each other. Let's communicate, especially with those small conflicts because they're so fixable. They're still not worth costing an important friendship.
Trust & Avoiding Gossip
00:06:50
Speaker
true um If you're trustworthy, being an upstanding person, are they trustworthy in other aspects of their life, then they're probably a trustworthy friend. I always like to think of faithful with a little faithful with much. And um I kind of take my time and really feel out if someone's trustworthy, because it can be so emotional yeah to give a lot of yourself to someone who maybe you couldn't trust. And ah one way I kind of seek this out, I know we'll probably go into like,
00:07:15
Speaker
Tactics later, but I just kind of like I'll start with a small but like harmless secret and if that gets out then that's all done like that they don't get to know anything else cuz if like it's good I Straight up like I don't i maybe I don't think about it that much But it's just like the little information that comes out of you if they can't be trusted with that then you know Yes, maybe don't pursue but yeah trustworthy is a super important one especially for those lifelong really important friendships um Don't gossip kind of goes with Beth said about being drama free But gossip itself is just so harmful and such a thief of happiness and joy confront each other with your problems Only confide in outside help if it's absolutely necessary not in the form of venting or gossip like it can just it can just ruin ah Everything like it can ruin such important. Yes um look for a friend who lifts you up and encourages you and roots for you to win in life and I I
00:08:09
Speaker
kind of like, I'm not going to go on a rant. I'm not going to, but sometimes what I can see as we all get older, especially as new life things come around, like starting a new business or starting your family or buying a house is that friends, quote unquote, friends may actually tear others down when they start to make it in life or make their friends success all about their shortcomings. And again, names in like my circle or other circles, but it's like,
00:08:36
Speaker
Hey, me and my husband are having a baby. And that can make some people think, oh, well, I'm still single. What am I doing with my life? Don't be that person in your friend's life. Just cheer them on for their wins. They'll be there to cheer you on for your wins. And like your other friend's success isn't saying anything about you or your journey or where you are in life. Like I can find that sometimes it gets very competitive when people start sharing their big wins. So really, and it's so amazing to keep the people around where you just don't feel that from them at all and cheery cheer them on. And Beth like again again, because we're just such a good duo.
Celebrating Successes
00:09:07
Speaker
I think you're such a good example of this is when we've each gone through our individual wins, never ever is the other like, oh gosh, I'm not doing that with my life and blah, blah, blah. It's just like, that's amazing. That is so good. Keep going. like it never yeah yeah It never feels like each other's life is something we envy. It's just something to cheer on and be so stoked that each other is like growing.
00:09:28
Speaker
Right. Exactly. And I think about the times of my life when I have had friendships where like if even this, cause it even happens and it starts with little things too, like being a young person in elementary school and like maybe getting a new piece of clothing or something and, um, something to be a fun win, you know, but how your friends react to that. And there are some people.
00:09:46
Speaker
who may react to that by kind of tearing you down instead of being just all happy for you or who may be like, Oh, that's cool. But having a backhanded compliment in there, there's a lot of that's some yeah behavior that can point to them not really wanting to root for you in life. If a lot of the stuff they say is kind of backhanded compliments, or if they find a way to make it negative, like, Oh, look at this thing I just bought. And they're like, Oh, wow, somebody has extra money or something like that. You know,
00:10:07
Speaker
just kind of finding a way to make it negative instead of just being like, amazing. 10 out of 10, you go girl, like you get it. Like this is just yeah only encouraging over here is what you want to be looking for in friendships.
00:10:20
Speaker
Yeah. Oh my gosh. That's perfect. And then for my little, little sneaky bonus one. Um, also the friends that have your best interest at heart. This again, it could tie into so much of what we already said, but overall through conflicts through your life's problems in careers, relationships and everything, they really want what's best for you and they want you to be healthy and happy and set for the long run.
00:10:39
Speaker
Kind of like Beth said, this can go back to some of that tough love, be willing to get you some tough love and have some hard conversations. i am I've been this person for other friends and their relationships a lot. I will happily tell someone they need to break up with someone or not date someone. And it's not because I like, it's so not because I don't want them to be happy or have someone to love. It's just because I care about that so much for you that I need to say this right now, like as your friend,
00:11:06
Speaker
as someone who loves you, I don't think this is a good direction, whatever. um And then best interests in the positive too, if if um you know if they're if your friend is scared to maybe make this jump into something new, into a completely new chapter and you you know think that would be great for them and you think they could really thrive because you're someone who knows them inside and out. Be that person who's like, go for it, ignore everyone else, like, you know, to to wise, don't be dumb. But I'm saying like, a good friend is somebody who can push you forward when you're scared into something that's best for you out of having your best interest at heart. Oh my gosh. Wow. 1 million percent exactly. And if they check all the other boxes we've talked about, so my five or six points and Ayla's six points, then you can trust that when they give you tough love that it really is out of love. So that's how you can know that like it's okay when they're coming up to you with something that's maybe not comfortable, you know you can know that it's out of a good place and maybe it's time for you to listen.
00:12:03
Speaker
And I've also got a person too, I will say who's had a group, sorry, who's had like a friend or group of friends come to, come to them, come to me and say like, Hey, we hope you're okay. We love you. Here's something going on, whatever. And I'm a rebel at heart. So I'll be like, you yeah don't know me, but like looking back and that's so valuable. Like I can't imagine how nervous my friends might've been to bring that up to me and, and have that uncomfy conversation. And that's like,
00:12:31
Speaker
That's so sweet. That is so to be to be cherished. So it like can hurt for everyone involved in the moment, but I like I swear it'll pay off even if the person you're confronting maybe rates you for it.
00:12:43
Speaker
you know you did the right thing. You know you did the right thing out of love for them. It's hard, but it's the right thing. Exactly. Yeah. And just trust that again, if all these other things are part of your foundation of your friendship, that even if they're upset, like Ayla said in the moment, that given time, they'll see that it was done out of love. And even if they never maybe agree with something that you said or a piece of advice you gave or or something um that you can still come back to being friends. Again, if there's that emotional maturity and that ability to handle conflict and disagreements, then it won't be something that ends everything just because you gave your opinion. Okay. Love it.
00:13:17
Speaker
Amazing. All right, so now for the not so pleasant, maybe tough pills to swallow. This is how to identify the not so good friendships. And just a heads up that we may be using the simple term toxic friend a few times, but we want to clarify that having one or some of these traits doesn't automatically make someone like a fully toxic friend. um Maybe they're just not the right fit for you. So using the word toxic for us today,
00:13:41
Speaker
Sometimes might just be like easier than saying not a perfect fit for you Friendship wise or maybe right person wrong time end quote. It's just anyways, so without further ado It's a big word and sometimes it's serious, but like not always from here on out, you know Exactly. and with but But we do also want to help you figure out your toxic friendships in this episode and be able to let them go. that That is something we're trying to do. But if you hear one of these and you're like, that's not really that big of a deal. like My best friend does that, but she's also perfect in every other way. Okay, fine. Amazing. Amazing. but Do not go ditching your friends. But a lot of people struggle with
00:14:18
Speaker
You know finding good friendships and I went to look for and they struggle with also feeling comfortable ditching the toxic ones Again, I have someone who's very close to me who is a magnet because of her very big sweet kind heart she's a magnet for people who take advantage of her and I can't help but wonder if maybe somebody were to give her a list of like hey, this is toxic This is not red light would have helped her word. Yeah, exactly. Yeah Yeah. Red flags. There you go. Maybe it would have helped
Identifying Toxic Friends
00:14:45
Speaker
her in the years coming up to now and she could have had less hardship. Okay. Love it. All right. Without further ado, again, if you are experiencing these in some of your friendships, we think that they are worth reevaluating and possibly cutting out of your life. Ayla, take it away. You got it. So number one is if they freak out over any confrontation or disagreement,
00:15:06
Speaker
And they overact to the point where you feel like something small has become a big deal and they do this consistently. So you feel like you can't ever agree with them. And yeah, there's a difference between like having a hard time with the odd conflict versus you start to feel like you have to walk on eggshells.
00:15:22
Speaker
um Yeah, you might find yourself observing the room when they entered I'm not even kidding like this has happened to me a ton with friendship circles is when they enter how does everyone change how do they change and you feel like you even have to be observing that right away might be um Kind of the number one the number one thing like just freaking out over over the little things Yeah, if they always take and never give oh my god also real so quickly, but like, whoo, it's true, especially if you are putting in a lot more effort into the friendship than they are. And as Beth and I, who I can confidently say, like you and I are caring people, sometimes can lean into the people place thing. And we also just like to host and like do things for people. and that's seven i thousand Like we like to pitch in and and do things. It can be easy easy to become this friend. So
00:16:15
Speaker
it's hard to separate versus when you're just giving everything into the friendship versus if you're just being kind of a natural like caring self. um But you're always doing what they want to do. And they never can even think of doing the things that you enjoy, they never initiate hangouts, etc, etc. This became really real for me after moving countries. And not a stupid like I'm not, you know, I'm not like crying about it now to these day to this day or anything. Yeah, but moving countries was a big spotlight of the friends who still initiate conversation versus versus the ones who don't. And that just became kind of a thing of whenever I visit home, I'm like, okay, who are my people that I'm going to go see and who, you know, like, can I just save my energy from, I guess. And, ah and yeah, because it it can hurt over time to put all this effort.
00:17:01
Speaker
into a friendship and not get the same in return and like take and never give. And ah some people can maybe take this to be money. I don't mean money. Like it can be money and that that gets uncomfy really quickly. But ah like I said, just everything it the day runs by their standards and not by yours and and anything like that.
00:17:19
Speaker
ye um Another one can be they always find a way to put you down whether it's through backhanded compliments or flat out putting you down to lift themselves up or saying things to embarrass you around people. This I yeah can happily say or not happily but you know I'll say is extremely toxic and can lead to so many self-esteem issues for you. True friends do not put you down to make themselves feel better like period full stop.
00:17:44
Speaker
That's it. like A true friend shouldn't even have that inside of them to do. yeah and I feel like it could just be so sneaky and it's so crazy that I'm sure this has happened to a lot of people listening. that and You just take it, you think it's their humor or whatever.
Handling Harmful Behavior
00:18:03
Speaker
and like It's just the moment when it becomes not a joke, and sometimes you might find yourself confronting what is said and being told, oh, it's just a joke. That's the time to say, well, that joke's not funny and like see how it goes from there. so True. Because if they if they really meant it as a joke and I hurt your feelings, they're going to feel very bad. They're going to feel very bad. Yes.
00:18:26
Speaker
We've all made a joke before that maybe we were like, oh, that didn't really land. And you kind of feel guilty, you feel bad about it, and you wouldn't do it again. But what Ayla's saying here is that kind of consistency of they're kind of always putting you down. And you're kind of the butt of everyone's joke. And I was going to say, I think Ayla and I both have personal experience with this. And one of the things Ayla and I have shared before on this podcast is we were each other's first friend that we realized, wait, you mean like friends don't have to be mean to each other? Like Ayla and I never put each other down.
00:18:55
Speaker
Anytime something happened that if we went to any of our other friends, there there's like a pretty good chance there's either going to be like a backhanded compliment or an insult or something embarrassing to make you like embarrassed in front of the group you were in. With Ayla and I, you know, vice versa, we came to discover it was just anytime something happened, only positive things were said. Like I never was even tempted or even had thoughts under my head that would be like jokes or putting you down. It just didn't exist. yeah And so to kind of realize we were young. So again, some of this comes with age.
00:19:24
Speaker
But when we finally had this friendship, they was like, okay, so that doesn't, that's not normal. You don't have to put up with that. It makes it a lot easier to be okay with cutting out the people who do do that if it hurts you. Because at the end of the day, if you go home feeling less good about yourself, if you go home feeling uncomfortable, um, if they don't make you super happy and stoked, then that's not a good thing. Oh my God.
00:19:46
Speaker
facts you rounded that out so well that was so good and i will say like again we've talked about this on the show before that was like the whole beginning of our friendship was we hung out and we were like oh my gosh i don't have to walk away feeling like you know dookie about myself and um uh this doesn't include like friendly and fun you know like teasing and roasting within your friendship that's different because like that's an eye and our inside jokes are wild and i remember one day This is such a dumb story, but I remember, Beth, do you remember like we were um in our workout era when we were like 13 and I put like a headband on, but I also had bangs kind of like what I have now. And I put a headband on and then I was like sweating. So then when I took the headband off, my bangs were sticking like perpendicular out from my forehead and like the pictures and the roasting that happened because of that. But that's like, that's silly.
00:20:38
Speaker
That's fun. Friendship silly. It was welcome joking. And again, for some reason, if I had been like, okay, like that's enough, you know, please stop. You totally would have done that. But like, you know, if you can't joke and have fun, that's different than putting down an embarrassing somebody that's completely different.
00:20:53
Speaker
That's so true. And by the way, don't you listeners think that there was not plenty going back the other way too? The amount of things that we... Listen, it went both ways. And this was within a trusted friendship where probably the first solid year there was not a negative thing spoken.
Friendly Teasing vs. Hurtful Jokes
00:21:12
Speaker
Once you have trusted someone, obviously, there's the answer. Yes, definitely. Yes, that came with time. Oh my gosh. there's Sorry, go ahead. Sorry.
00:21:20
Speaker
There you go, there you go. When you were just most recently up and we were like doing our photo shoot, the photos we still have yet to share, but it became... Oh no! That became a roast mess. Back and forth. I'm telling you, when one of us looked good in a picture, the other looked... Sorry, any of those won't see the light of day. We were shooting self-portraits It was dark and flash. flash We were trying things.
00:21:50
Speaker
those who know, know, imagine remote camera, self-timed flash in the dark. Like it was, it was a time. And at one point we were trying to toss grapes into our mouths with all this going on. And I can tell you right now, the darker it got outside, there was one where it was like pitch black in our living room and we're shooting these flash photos and Beth and I are looking at each other in this.
00:22:21
Speaker
The flash went like blinded us. Eyeballs go in opposite directions.
00:22:30
Speaker
You're like, whoa, I'm blind a bit. And that? I know. I don't think there can be teasing and roasting. That's like half of our general conversation. This is true. This is true. But obviously but yeah everything that Ayla said, I think is so important. Would you mention just like specifically, is it always backhand of compliments? Are they embarrassing you and the friend who brought you the butt of all the jokes? like you and Just again, the gate the way to gauge it is how do you feel when you walk away? Do you always feel a little worse about yourself? um ah Do you feel you know less happy? That's going to really tell you whether it's all in good fun or if it's toxic. Absolutely. and I have had that feeling too where I get home and I'm like, esh okay, not again.
00:23:10
Speaker
And then um the last point, like something to look out for or then, you know, the last for me at least is if they do gossip a lot, particularly about other friends. My rule of thumb is like the kind of gossip you hear about other people. They are probably doing exactly that about you behind your back. It's unfortunate. We like to think that maybe we're exempt.
00:23:30
Speaker
from that. But again, this, this has been my rule of thumb for like employers and managers too, but it comes down to friend groups is like how they talk about others when they leave the room is, is probably how they're going to talk about you. And that can be so cool when you find your people and somebody leaves the party and they're like, gosh, wasn't she so fun? And like, that's so cool about her business. wow Oh, i've I've been a part of that too. Just so good and wholesome. So take gossip, negative gossip as a clear sign to at least keep them out of your close inner circle. Um,
00:24:00
Speaker
And that just protects yourself and your piece a lot and protects your reputation, just protects yourself a lot. Yep. Yep. Don't be a gosspper. It's okay to literally say, no, sorry. I don't gossip. Like I have high, I actually had to pull that line in high school a few times. And you know what? It doesn't make you look dumb. Like with the right people, it's going to make them go, Oh, Wow, that's actually, I love that about you and I trust you even more. and you know Sometimes people just have little lapses. Sometimes we feel a moment where we want to say something that would be gossip and I don't mind if someone else says, ooh, let's not talk about them. Good reminder. Thank you. I hope you can understand that was just a mistake and that's not going to happen again.
00:24:39
Speaker
yeah um and The wrong people will be like, okay. Then they'll go gossip about you. Guess what? yeah They're going to go talk about you. You can learn a lot of about people just from their reactions of what you say. All right. The last one I was going to say, um I didn't originally think of this as just something I just now thought of, but overall, if they drain you when you're hanging out with them or when you don't hang out with them, even if you don't know why. um There are some people that you just don't vibe with and the sad thing is they can be nice, they can be a good person, but if you just, your energies just don't match and you feel so drained after being around them,
00:25:16
Speaker
ah that's Again, not that's not making them toxic, but like Ayla just said, and maybe yeah, that just means keep them out of your inner circle because, and we're going to go into this a little bit more in a minute, but your inner circle, um people closest to you, they do need to be people who ah energize you and bring you, ah not they don't drain you. Okay. Yeah, anyways. Yeah, you look forward to being around them. It's not a chore.
00:25:38
Speaker
Exactly. And when you are with them, like, yeah, cause you can really look forward to being with someone, but then some, you remember every time I go, my gosh, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. And, and not drains you because you were doing something crazy. Like Ayla and I will get together and then we try to fit 9 trillion things in one hour. And then we're like, Oh my God, I'm so tired of it. And we're like not talking to each other at the end of the day. That's okay. That's fair. That's different. That's fun. That's fun. Dreaming.
00:26:01
Speaker
Yeah, it's not like I had a one hour conversation at a coffee shop with this person and I feel drained. Like there are those people and that doesn't, you just don't vibe with them. And yeah and it might not be their fault. It's just like best to put that as either. Yeah, whatever. Yeah. Yeah. And okay, we won't go into this tangent, but also maybe if you're an introvert, be careful because if everybody drains you, it might just be that you're an introvert. in that Yeah. Yeah. Go back to our last episode about like hobbies versus escapism. Cause we do talk about this, like as an introvert, not every single thing should drain you. Hot take. True.
00:26:31
Speaker
And to be fair, I still don't know if I'm introvert or extrovert, to be so honest, by the way, because I literally, there are a lot of times, I would say, I think of the majority of the time, where people energize me, but I also totally need space from people and need to energize on my own. It doesn't make any sense. No one in my family is able to figure it out. I can't tell what I am. No one knows. I think you're so equally both. Truthfully.
00:26:55
Speaker
ah like people told me that and i'm like that's cute because i'm definitely more of an introvert but you i think you're truthfully so equally both because you like i don't know yeah i think you just do both very well like a very healthy place to be well oh thank you appreciate that thank you so much i think my mom's um i think my mom's exactly i mean she like i might look at her and say like extrovert to the nines but she's also very comfy and content with her alone time and gets like recharged from that too So oh so interesting I don't think I really knew that but I think I could see that especially with her like time at the cabin I feel like she can get all Zen there and refresh Okay. Anyway, sorry moving on So now that we've identified people you need to cut ties with let's talk about identifying who should be in your inner closest circle and So this is versus the more outer circles a lot of people assume a few things alright mostly that a your inner circle is your immediate family and maybe like one of your best friends and That be your outer circle are people that you care less about but both of those are wrong or they can be wrong kind of so your family might be in your inner circle, but they also might not be and Okay, we're just gonna get into it. So ala if you want to take it away and yeah with like starting off here yeah and this is super important to cover so i'm glad we are but to make it simple we're talking about the two circles your inner circle and your outer circle but in reality i know it's more complicated than that um you'll likely have a couple circles like a little bit of a spectrum for lack of a better word
00:28:23
Speaker
um When you take into consideration like acquaintances, work friends, old school friends, distant relatives, all of that. But for the simple sake of healing and working on your current friendships, we'll just make it simple. So for your inner circle of friends, this should contain people who enrich your life. And I mean that word like enrich. They add knowledge, love, value, and tons of joy into your life. These are the friends that challenge you. These are the friends you talk about like your money problems with and how to make it better.
00:28:53
Speaker
these are the friends that are like, ah possibly educated and aspects you're not and are willing to share all that with you like enrich your life. ah These are the friends who you feel safe with them and trust them more than 90% of the people in your life. And like you feel safe safe like just the good bad and the ugly that you're going through. Hopefully you've got these people in your life you can take that too and trust them with it. um yeah You spend time with them regularly and even with our adult lives and planning and everything that goes on there's still someone who naturally or with a little bit of effort you both still regularly care to see each other I guess.
00:29:32
Speaker
um You have time for them and want to be around them kind of at that point like you either have the time or you will make the time to be around them and then you feel better about yourself and life after spending time with them and This will also include people you'll want to go to when you're stressed or sad and it's just the people that you want to try new things with or do daily activities with if there's a new hike and in town or like a hike you hadn't heard of yet. Who are you calling to say, Hey, you want to go on this hike with me? That's probably your inner circle. Um, these people aren't always your family. Maybe your family drains you. We get it. It's completely fair. Um, or does it. And
00:30:10
Speaker
They get you like your friends do or maybe you might just not live close to them um Your inner circle is just the people who get you the most their lack of like if if your family is not your inner circle This is your next family like I would dare to say kind of us for sure They're the people who get you the most and issue the most who pour into you the most and you're willing to pour back into them. um So you can also see that even the people you love dearly like your family might just end up being in your outer circle naturally. And that's okay. It's not to say you love them less or they're bad or like toxic like the words we've been using. It's just like the daily calling, daily activities. Do they know every single thing you're going through? Do you confide in them? Maybe not, but you still love them and love being around them. They might be outer circle.
00:30:55
Speaker
Exactly. And that's why we were saying like, look, we know that like there's some misconceptions that your inner circle doesn't have to be this way. And I think for a long time, I personally thought that my inner circle had to be my immediate family and like make my best friend. And it was very healing in a lot of ways for probably in probably ways we don't have time to get into in this episode, but We're talking about this because it is so healing and freeing and enriching to be able to choose your closest circle. yeah And again, we recognize that there are maybe more than one outer circle for you. But your closest circle, when you can narrow this down, it does wonders for your life. It does wonders for your career, for your health, for your happiness, for your other relationships. It just ah it changes everything. So we want to kind of knock down that assumption that you're your inner circle is your family. like That's absolutely not true. And I love what you said, Ayla, about how this
00:31:43
Speaker
Sometimes it's your chosen family. And um I think for there's a lot of reasons why it may be that way. And for whatever reason, that's okay. and just like yeah To interject real quick, I think I remember what you said about how healing and like amazing that is to find those people. I think I distinctly remember in high school, and again, I'm i'm very close to my family. like My family is solid. This is like not us because of my family. But I think I remember finding that feeling.
00:32:07
Speaker
I'm having a group of friends but that I still talk to to this day, by the way. I've been out of high school almost a decade, and like some of the people I'm talking about are people I still talk to. Beth's one of them, and then a few other people included. When I found some of those people, I remember thinking that they were my family and how insane that felt. That was the first time ever saying, like friends can be family like the what's the one saying like family doesn't end with blood basically and the first few people I ever found like that was Incredible like I know exactly what you mean because they were chosen They weren't always in your life and now they are and they're choosing you too is is really crazy So yeah, I just wanted to touch on that. It's
00:32:44
Speaker
like it's such a real feeling. Absolutely. And just while we're on this quick point before I go into what I was going to say next, um, just so in case you've never heard it before, family isn't always meant to be your best friends. That's not always the main point of family. Sometimes family is in your life to challenge you. Sometimes family is in your life to show you what a true love looks like. Sometimes your family is in your life to show you what loyalty looks like. Sometimes they're in your life to help you grow because they're like the hardship you have to like overcome. Like we don't, everyone's purpose of family is going to be different. Um, cause everyone's family is different. So, uh, just in case you've ever heard that don't force. Yeah, nevermind. We're not going to get into that. We'll do that. That's a good one. That's a good thing. We opened up here. Yes. I like it though.
00:33:29
Speaker
Okay, can of worms for another
Defining Your Inner Circle
00:33:31
Speaker
time. Alright, so I the last thing I wanted to say kind of on this little topic about like who should be in your inner circle versus your outer circle as we're talking about this inner circle um when determining How many people like the number of people that are in that inner circle?
00:33:46
Speaker
It simply comes down to this. Who do you have the time and energy to give back to in the way they deserve? How many people and which people can you show equal love, time, interest, and enrichment to? There may be some people who would be a fantastic friend to you, but if you're being honest with yourself, maybe do you fall short when it comes to communicating with them or being there for them as much as they are there for you? That is so tough.
00:34:10
Speaker
But honestly, making sure that you aren't being the friend that drains them is so important. Some people may genuinely be 100% good with the level of attention you're able to give them. So if, if it just so happens that they're, you know, willing and able to accept the 50% effort that you give them and, um, they are just like, you know, they're just the kind of person who always sends memes, always texts, you know, they always happen to be the ones who initiate it and they still feel perfectly loved and accepted.
00:34:38
Speaker
And when you're not the one, maybe be always initiating stuff. And when you are a little more laid back, that's fine. But in general, if you can't give them the same amount of time and effort as they give you, then they go in your outer circle for their sake as much as it is for yours. And also so that you aren't feeling constantly guilty, because if you try to have too many people in your inner circle, you're going to feel guilty. Oh my gosh, I have to text them back. Oh my gosh, I ah you know i haven't been like paying as much attention to them. Oh, I forgot their birthday. Oh, this and that. So that's important to think about that. And that's going to really be how you narrow down. who and how many go in your inner circle. Because when we talk about the concept of closing off our inner circle, that doesn't always mean actually throwing people out and having less people. It literally just means narrowing down who's there. And it can be 20 people or it can be two. And before we go any further, I want to clarify, just kind of further clarify, actually make that its own point that when we say close your circle, it doesn't actually mean that it has to be small. So you're just closing off toxic people.
00:35:30
Speaker
and you're just kind of like rearranging and um kind of breaking down some of those stereotypes in your own head of like who needs to be closest to you, what friendship is, what family is. um yeah Just so you have an intentional circle of friends. I'm someone who always wants more friends, but like literally I'm just, I just want honestly want to be friends with everybody. I want more friends. I want to know more people. um But I also recognize that the that quality is more important than quantity. And as a matured, I realized that I can't be a good friend back if I'm not being intentional about my closest circle of friends. Mmm, I that's amazing. This was such a good point and I like how it kind of brought some of the ownership back on
00:36:06
Speaker
you and like on the person listening to this that yes like a lot of other people can and will fault you in life but to look back at yourself and say am i being a good friend can i invest in this friend the way they're investing in me am i being the friend that's not initiating and not whatever and like yeah just do i have the time and energy to also like be this person to others and i like that you said it doesn't have to be a small circle i think by nature it can be but it doesn't have to be it completely depends on you and the person you are and and what that looks like and ah again we're saying this in a way to not say like you have to only have three friends or you have to do anything it it quite literally just protects you because again with everything that we listed of what an inner circle is the people you're confiding in the people you trust the people who are safe and you're that person to them too
00:36:55
Speaker
then like the nitty gritty of your life and whatever comes out, whatever they know, it's two important people. It's not just like the average person is hearing that and now knowing that about you and making judgments about it. It's people that you value and their opinions and everything. like It's just so that, because I've also been in this place before where I share actually like positive experiences. like It's not always negative. I just share like some positive times in my life. I'm like, oh, this this this is cool. but And it's someone who I maybe don't I see like once a year and then I kind of like, not like you can't share all this stuff, but i I kind of just divulge so much of my life and what's going on, what I'm dealing with to someone who I'm not as close to and I'm like, maybe that's not as enriching for them. Like it's just, um it protects you and it protects other people a lot just by keeping that circle. Again, not not small, but I guess quality.
00:37:43
Speaker
But I will say, yeah, like my inner circle is pretty small and I'm completely chill with that because it accomplishes everything of the above. So, so long as it does that, then it, whatever you need it to be, I guess.
00:37:56
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. Right. Right. Right. We just don't want people to think that when you hear the term, like closing your circle of friends, that it literally means like, Oh my gosh, I'm kicking everybody out of my life except for two people. Um, cause I think that's how it sounds to some people, but okay. So, uh, moving on now, uh, we're going to kind of talk about like what actions you take in the inner circle and how to nurture your inner circle. Okay. It's a little more like actionable what that looks like in a daily life. So the reason we said your inner circle number is going to be determined by how much time you have is because real friendships take work and people that you don't consistently pursue in a relationship, sorry, people that you don't consistently pursue having a relationship with and initiate hangouts with will naturally fall in your outer circle.
00:38:38
Speaker
Yeah. So having an inner circle of friends can typically look like the following. Um, you both initiate conversations often, whatever often looks like for you based on your lives, some people it's daily, some times it's weekly, but still pretty often because you, because you need to be like our closest friend, Christianize closest friend, we see him ah like around once a week. I have people in my life who think that it's not enough time to see your best friend. But for us, that's like, whoa, you know,
00:39:07
Speaker
That's almost too much guys. No, just kidding. But you're all introverts, though, I feel like. Yeah, it is. It's three introverts that come out. Like, away? And I, sorry. Yeah, go ahead, go ahead. It's like, I was just thinking, I think about this, and I was like, if I lived right next to you guys, the way I would drag you all together on, I would just be trying to do it on a daily basis. I would literally just show up at all of your, like, it would be bad. I would just be dragging you together probably too often.
00:39:33
Speaker
Um, but it's just so funny. I love hearing that because you guys, I don't want to like, you know, I don't, you guys, but you do live so close. And I, when I found out, okay, okay. You can say that. All right. Yeah. When I found out that you guys were neighbors, I was like, so what, wait, why, why has it been four days since you've seen each other? I was like, how is this physically possible? The way I would drive 30 minutes and to be at your house every day. Like i you know no for friendship or like our doors would just be unlocked and we would just just be It would
Connecting Inner Circle Friends
00:40:01
Speaker
be. And if you didn't keep your doors unlocked, I would make myself a key. So just so we're aware. You just walk in and be like, here's what's going on. Well, it's true. Right. And then it's also like learning what each like person in your inner circle needs. Some of your inner circle might be once a week friends and some might be four days a week friends. And they could, I guess, would you say they can all still be your inner circle? It's just kind of like what you all like need and give to each other. I think so. Yeah, I would.
00:40:29
Speaker
Yeah, I agree. Because I think inner circle is more about the quality and how they make you feel, what you're so giving to each other. If you're both giving each other what you need, um then it's that inner circle is more defined by how you make each other feel, how you're there for each other, um and how you're enriching each other's lives. And that can look different even per friend. That's a really good point to make. Yeah. Cool. And um yes, and the the next one, number two is checking in on each other. This is a little different than just initiating conversation.
00:40:54
Speaker
But checking in on each other, you're asking for updates on emotions, how a job interview went, how your relationships are going, if you found what you were looking for at the mall, like everything, bigger, small. And sometimes, like again, we need to have Beth and Ayla time. That's not just podcasting, because sometimes our recording sessions start with, oh, how's this thing you were working on? Or how did that call go?
00:41:16
Speaker
ah And it's out of genuine interest. Again, we're not being like, Oh, I better make sure I ask her. We actually probably delay other things because of our checking in. Yeah, that's different than just like, Hey, you want to go have coffee? It's like, it's as simple as a text, you know, being like, Oh, by the way, yeah today you had that important meeting. How did it go? Whatever.
00:41:36
Speaker
um yeah And then yeah, you hang out often. Again, the timing is kind of up to you, whatever your schedule allow and whatever the relationship needs. But it needs to feel like it's strengthening and not just starting over every time you see each other. and That's a crazy point because I do have some people in my life that I still love care about probably more outer circle friends where it lives a little bit of like how do we hang out again versus the friends where it's like Beth and I, we can go a year without seeing each other and it's like, Like nothing's changed when we're back in person. It's probably like a disturbing degree. That's true. yeah Things just go too well. yeah Exactly. Oh my gosh.
00:42:18
Speaker
Okay, and like another one I think that would kind of be like an action that typically happens with inner circle is that you kind of introduce your inner circle friends to each other this doesn't always happen and there could be reasons because like for Aylin Aylin me for example, like we literally physically don't live near each other So I couldn't introduce her to myself. It won't work. Um, you know the social media you probably follow each other or whatever but in general um It's normal that you want your loved ones to love each other um And yeah, so that's another thing that typically happens. I Yeah and with that you are there for each other and listen like we said when you're going through the hard times you are their person that they go to when something happens and vice versa may not be every time maybe not be everything but in general you feel this way about each other and trust each other and and the whole again like vice versa is a really important way to
00:43:08
Speaker
Put it like you were that person for them, too. Yeah, exactly. Okay, let's see. And the last one that I can think of that's kind of an example of how this looks in everyday life is um you're actively trying to help each other in life. We kind of talked about this, of course, when we were talking about the traits of um of a good friend, um you know, rooting for each other. So whether it's with work or relationships, so giving advice, you know, there's going to be many, many ways you can help and root for the people that are closest to you. So you will be taking actions on that within your inner circle.
00:43:36
Speaker
I love that. That's perfect. And then one more point I'll round it out with. This one is niche. This might like get uncomfy to talk about kind of quickly but they're not just a drinking buddy um because a lot of these things that we're listing can happen with your drinking buddies like sharing a lot about your life and sharing the hard stuff and maybe venting and confiding each other i would just say check like if you want them to be an inner circle friend like check what scenarios you hang out with uh because i and people around me have had experiences with like we have so much fun but like
00:44:11
Speaker
when we just want to go on a hike and like you know drink some Gatorade, that's not fun for them and they don't want to show up. I mean, that could go back to like what to watch out for, but if it's anything outside of like the bar or mixing drinks at each other's house, like if you're like, hey, I just want to get coffee and go thrifting or I want to go on a hike, if you bring up other things and they're not interested,
00:44:30
Speaker
ah Maybe that would be like unestablished right away, but it might not always be something you notice But it's just like look at all the situation like multiple situations I guess like it doesn't have to be so serious about like involving alcohol But like they'll probably want to hang out with you over multiple scenarios. It's not just to sit and watch TV It's not just to go work out It's not just these things they're there with you throughout multiple aspects of your day And then I just will say like just consider how they do with or without like drinking because drinking buddies can feel like your inner circle, but they're not. They're your drinking buddies. Oh my gosh. Wow. Preach. and and okay Here's an example of your photographer. Do they only want to hang out with you when you're taking pictures of them? like Do they only want to have everything be like, oh, let's go out and do photos. and Then it kind of turns into like you're always taking their pictures and every time you suggest something, they don't go do that. you know Oh, let's go on a hike. No, it's never that.
00:45:19
Speaker
and So that's another example of how that could be. Again, those are outer circle friends. Or if it's too, I believe, here's my opinion, if it's to a certain extent, they're just out. They're toxic. They're out of your life. And that may not be drinking, but with some things. um Anyways, so don't worry. We're not just going to leave you hanging with the who goes where advice and not tell you how to start putting it into action. So how do you have the, you're going in my outer circle of friends talk.
00:45:46
Speaker
simple answer, you don't. Yeah, that would be that would be awkward and hurtful. we we We wouldn't do that. So the truth is, if you're following our blueprint that we've listed so far, then the people in your outer circle are going to kind of naturally already be there, you know or at least they will easily fall into place when you relieve the pressure from yourself and the guilt of trying to force them to be in your inner circle. Yeah, absolutely. like Typically, people in your outer circle will be Okay. Yeah. So typically people in your outer circle will typically be interacted with more over things like social media rather than directly via texture in person, like, you know, the occasional sending memes or whatever. We still love those friends. And it's important to remember big things like their birthday, but you're doing less initiating of conversations and hangouts with them than you do with your inner circle.
00:46:39
Speaker
That's one of the easy ways to find it out is just the amount, like more or less than the people you've identified as your inner circle. um We're all busy creatures. As we already explained today, friendships won't thrive unless you work really hard at them. So all you need to do is just initiate less and naturally you'll find out that your relationships might settle within those different circles. And again, doesn't it's not a negative thing. It's just kind of an order of things and where they land and where they flow.
00:47:05
Speaker
So to summarize, outer circle friendships in action can look more like less often communication, less initiating and don't force it. Because that's something that's how to make an outer circle friend possibly be like not a friend ever is like ah by the forcing of it. Like, yeah, just a little less initiating and again, not cutting them off, but just see where the relationship stands with a healthy little bit of less effort from your end, just like a little bit to see what it looks like. You might mostly interact on social media.
00:47:34
Speaker
Uh, and then yeah, like they'll remember important dates, birthdays, anniversaries, you know, Christmas cards, kind of those people in your life. This is where a lot of family can probably fall for this reason. Um, and your, the people in your outer circle will still act just as kind and friendly when you do see each other and hang out. Meaning if the friendship is real and meant to stick, then you'll still be able to have a great time together. Like nothing is, ever that nothing has ever changed even when months or years go by without talking. Yeah.
00:48:03
Speaker
And just to clarify, this is vice versa too. like you'll still you know You still need to be friendly with these people. you know do We need to interact with them. You remember their birthday's anniversary. like That's just kind of, we're summarizing the extent of which the effort typically goes with outer circle friendships. So that's all that.
00:48:20
Speaker
Lastly we're shifting gears just a little bit here but we promised you we would talk about this we're gonna talk about the less talked about part of friendship so pretty consistently friendships are super glamorized online it's just people shopping together traveling together working together gossiping together It's all and only good things and easy things. Time and time again, that is what we see as defining friendship on social media. But the truth is that friendships are going to and are meant to bring some not so beautiful things to light in your life. wow Not only will you be a shoulder to cry on multiple times for them, but you are also gonna have to reveal some of the not so beautiful parts of yourself too. And the reason we mentioned the importance of having an emotionally mature people in your inner circle is because when the time comes for this not so pretty stuff,
00:49:04
Speaker
Be it an argument between the two of you, a trauma in their personal life or your own, or observing them making a bad decision. You want to make sure that whatever kind of confrontation or tough love has to happen is both given and received with maturity and grace so for both parties. Holy moly. That that is such an, no, that's amazing. That's such an important part to talk about. I actually love that so much. as yeah I'm quite literally hearing this or the for the first time.
00:49:32
Speaker
But no, that's so good. I think it's important to say that yeah it's not all it's not all shopping and coffee dates and martinis at each other's houses. It's a relationship. like It's a relationship in very close ways that your marriage or whoever you're dating is a relationship. you know it's It's up there with some of the single most important relationships in your entire life. like Yes. Oh, yeah.
00:49:55
Speaker
like straight up especially the people in your inner circle like because you're both choosing to be there you don't have to be there you weren't born together you don't have to force like each other like this is something you're choosing to nurture and maintain and and yeah it has its normal ups and downs just like life um and hopefully it's just balanced with like the really great and the beautiful and the fun moments but yeah you're both going through things together because this life do be hard sometimes and and yeah just like that mutual support like as much as a friend cried on your shoulder i really really hope they're the same shoulder
00:50:29
Speaker
for you to cry on later and I think a lot of people don't want to talk about sometimes when you two have to be the tough love person because it's it's so hard like it's so hard to say I don't think you should date this person or I think this job is bad for you or I don't think that's a smart decision for you I don't think this is gonna help you whatever like it's so so hard to be that friend sometimes but that's that comes with the job it comes with the job and yeah that's how you know like that you love someone you care for someone like whatever i think you said it perfectly it's just like it's not to be taken lightly i guess like once you kind of get the inner circle and again not like life is all serious all the time we like to have fun over here but it's just yeah it's there
00:51:11
Speaker
It's not always talked about and it's what's required of you as a good friend to people and what you require of them for your own life. yeah Exactly. Yeah. That classic question of who do you want to go through life with often is only applied to marriages, but the truth is it's also applied to your inner circle of friendships as well. Yeah.
00:51:29
Speaker
That is all we have for you guys. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening. If you love the art of intention and love what we do, a few amazing ways to support the show are to make sure you're following us on whatever platform you listen on. You can catch us every Tuesday on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and Zencaster.
00:51:46
Speaker
And if you haven't already, we would love your wonderful five star rating or review. And to make sure you never miss a new episode, go ahead and follow us on Instagram at Art of Attention podcast. We post all kinds of information resources over there. We'd love when people interact. You can DM us, so you can comment on our posts. It's just a great way to follow along and we will see you next week. Bye. bye