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Episode 77 - ADHD & Community: How We Subconsciously Build Our Support Networks
53 Plays4 months ago
In this episode of ADHDville, hosts Paul and Martin (co-ex mayores of ADHDville) dive into the power of community for ADHDers—exploring how we subconsciously build support networks, even when feeling like outsiders. From childhood connections and shared humor to workplace tribes and online bonds, they discuss the joy of finding "your people" and the relief of unmasking. Whether it’s through music, creativity, or a well-tested joke, discover how ADHDers magnetically attract their tribe. Tune in for laughs, relatable stories, and the comfort of knowing you’re not alone.
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Transcript
Introduction and Setting the Scene
00:00:00
Speaker
Back in the room. Back in the room. Back in the room, out of the green room. yeah so and you know so A little buffet, there was that was nice. A little glass of of something cheeky, like a prosec Prosecco, and into the recording room.
00:00:17
Speaker
ah Exactly.
Addressing Isolation with ADHD
00:00:18
Speaker
And this episode is for anyone who has felt isolated by their unique ADHD experience or just simply needed a ah place to belong.
00:00:28
Speaker
And for those who subconsciously or not managed to build their own support systems. Yes. So let's go to a place where the distractions are landmarks and the detours are the main roads. Welcome to ADHDville.
00:00:47
Speaker
Meet the gang, cause
Meet Paul and Martin
00:00:50
Speaker
the boys are here The boys to entertain you Boys to entertain, boys to entertain Boys to entertain you
00:01:03
Speaker
Reference to 1970s English television called Dad's Army. No, not Dad's Army. No. It ain't half hot, Mum. Yes. It ain't half hot, Mum.
00:01:15
Speaker
Wow. Okay. So, hello. I'm Paul Thompson. ah Thompson with a P. Important. And I was diagnosed with the mixture that is A, the A, D, H, and the D some several months ago.
00:01:34
Speaker
Months ago, i would say. Months, a year and a half. A year and, yeah. A year and seven months or so. Anyway. Jesus, man. Time is fast. So who are you, Martin? Who the hell are you? Good question. I so i sign i have said that to i said that to my wife the the the the other day. ah the other day she she She said, i i know you.
00:01:58
Speaker
And I went, do you, though? Do you, though?
Diagnoses and Humorous Anecdotes
00:02:01
Speaker
do you yes um yeah anyway i am martin west and i was diagnosed with the combined adhd poopoo platter in 2013 and before we go on just that that conversation i just had like oh um you know did do you know who who i am she said well ask me a question then and i went okay okay good Okay, Garamond, the font, right?
00:02:33
Speaker
Do prefer the Berthold cut or the ITC cut of Garamond? Two different cuts of the same font.
00:02:45
Speaker
And she said, you like the ITC cut. I went, no! No! No. The burthole cut. Wow. So don't know me at all. Did your world come crashing down? Did your world come crashing down? I was like, she doesn't know me at all.
00:03:04
Speaker
Oh, do you know what's come to mind funny? ah My ex-wife, who I'm sure doesn't listen to this, it's probably best. i I realized so I had a sudden realization that she didn't know me at all.
00:03:18
Speaker
And it was like, it hit me like ah cake a kick in the stomach. She bought me this really bad Christmas or birthday present once. And I looked at this thing I thought, you don't know me at all. We've been married for 12 years.
00:03:36
Speaker
Oh, my God. There we go. See,
Community and Social Choices
00:03:39
Speaker
this is, this is this yeah it's like, you know, we're we're talking about ADHD and communities, and it's like, yes are you are you in it or are you on the outside looking in?
00:03:54
Speaker
Have you made good choices about who you choose to spend your time with in order to, know, manifest as best as possible your Yeah.
00:04:10
Speaker
yeah So this yeah but podcast is all right. So I think we we should. Also, sorry, before we move on, also doing this podcast, yes I thought I knew the ranking Mr. Martin West.
00:04:26
Speaker
And we i think we've always I think it's reciprocal. I found out some stuff about Martin West that didn't expect. know. And it's also, it's, it's really cool. i love that.
00:04:39
Speaker
You think you know someone for 40 years. you know someone. It's like, oh, occasionally stuff like, oh, mind blown. Mind has been officially blown. Yes. Exactly.
Podcast’s Role in Community Building
00:04:51
Speaker
Anyway, that theme. right Yeah. Go for it. The first sentence of the intro is like a perfect, um what's it called?
00:05:03
Speaker
Segway. Segway from the last send last things we said. So we're just two who two mates who, by coincidence or not, I think we're soon going to find out it wasn't a coincidence, after 39, maybe 40 years of friendship, discovered that we're co-ADHDers. Shock.
00:05:24
Speaker
Shocking. OK, this is my my shocked face. If you watch YouTube. Now, it's really important to say that this is an entertainment podcast about adult ADHD and does not substitute for individualized advice from qualified health professionals.
00:05:43
Speaker
So don't take any advice from him. Or him. Or me. Or them. Or me. Over there, hiding in the corner. We're just here as a kind of all-inclusive ADHD pub bench with room for everyone, including your doppelgangers, your alter egos, your buddy doubles, Martin.
00:06:03
Speaker
I don't know if you've got any of those. so Your chaperones. You've probably got oodles of those. And even your best buddies, Eddie's great chaperone, Eddie. Still here? Congratulations ah for your staying power.
00:06:16
Speaker
Then grab your jetpacks, your pedalos, space hoppers, Luxury yachts, quad bikes, canoes, kayaks.
00:06:30
Speaker
Slip-flops. Flip-flops, Robin Reliance. um And let us take you to ADHDville, an imaginary town that we've created in lives.
00:06:43
Speaker
where we like to explore different parts of the A, the D, the H, and the D again. And we start off as we are now doing in the pub, the King's Agitated Head, um where we, the ex-mayors of ADHD, will take care of business. And ah the one thing I've got on my um my ah agenda.
00:07:06
Speaker
Yes. There we go. We're going to be talking about ADHD and community building, in parentheses or brackets without even realizing it.
00:07:17
Speaker
Yes. Subconscious um network building. I like this idea. um So ah I don't, we, where, where are we going, Paul?
00:07:30
Speaker
Where, where are we going? Oh, town square. What about the town square? Let's go to the town square and hang out there. And where, which is the center
Metaphor of ADHDville
00:07:42
Speaker
of, of ADHDville where many people come and they indeed to,
00:07:49
Speaker
yeah um ah some Some just stand around. Some maybe frolic, you know, prance around, have a dance. um Some sell flowers.
00:08:01
Speaker
Lovely flowers. Get your flowers. Yeah. um All right. Did we ever have a town crier? We should have one probably. we yeah Well, when we were mayors, we didn't have a town crier as such.
00:08:16
Speaker
Mm-hmm. I think we put an advert out and there was just one guy that that turned up that was just like sobbed his his his his heart out and was like glubbing all over the place. And we went, no, mate, not that kind of crier.
00:08:32
Speaker
Oh, right. ah ah oh ah all oh oh oh my Oh, my aching sides. My aching sides.
00:08:43
Speaker
Wait, wait. I think my side has split. know Have you heard the rumours, though, Martin, the newly elected mayor... isn't quite what people were expecting. And some this my there's some, I don't know, some rumors going around. us i There's some shenanigans going on in there in the leadership of ADHDville.
00:09:06
Speaker
um Yeah. But term yeah we'll just hang out in in the pub. We'll keep an eye on it. Keep our ear to the ground. Right. So let's jump in our tractor. um I don't have any theme music for the town town square, so ah so so we're just going to get in the tractor and then jump straight out.
00:09:24
Speaker
yeah Yeah, we can make up a song. All right. Let's get in.
00:09:34
Speaker
um Going to the town square, the town square. not square, it's actually round. All right.
00:09:47
Speaker
There we go. Cool. no simple All right. wine So who's going to kick off this thing? Okay. um i mean i mean i talk about I mean, when we talk about community, it's like, obviously, we can start from a place that kind of says, right, well, if you have ADHD or indeed your your LDHD,
00:10:09
Speaker
um you can definitely kind of ah start thinking when you're young, like, yeah, like like this place doesn't seem to work in in a way that I think it does, right? And you kind of start to feel yeah like you're weird and you're different and yeah you're odd. i mean, ah it's so often that we talk about feeling in the ADHD community, it being weird.
00:10:40
Speaker
You feel like an alien. It feels a very lonely place. Right. Right. You feel like, you know, you're at a bird sanctuary and you're the only donkey.
00:10:51
Speaker
don't know where that came from as a discussion. Anyway, so it feels like and it feels like the polar opposite of community, let alone being part of one.
00:11:04
Speaker
Right. Right. I can remember when I was... and yeah And yet... And yet... Yeah. And yet, you get I had a conversation with someone the other day.
00:11:15
Speaker
You get to 58 soon, and you look back, you says you see a pattern, and you think, ooh...
00:11:26
Speaker
like surrounded in in in in reality by people that I've accumulated along the way. Like a magnet. Friends, like a magnet, yeah, like a dragnet, that are maybe, you know, neurologically a little bit but a ah been special. special.
00:11:48
Speaker
Good word, special, yeah. Yeah. I don't like special fried rice. More special than special fried rice. More special than fried rice. Yeah.
00:11:58
Speaker
I think that's actually where ADHD podcast can can put a line in the sand and say friends are more special than fried rice. Yeah, because fried rice, what is special about fried rice? It's just got a bit of egg in it.
00:12:12
Speaker
as As far as I'm concerned, I didn't have to cook it. So that makes it special. As as as far as um any yeah any food that don't have to cook is special.
00:12:23
Speaker
um But do ah do you find yourself obsessing about that kind of stuff? I think that's very ADHD. Who was the first person that thought, okay, we could serve rice,
00:12:34
Speaker
Or we could put it on the menu as special and I put an egg in it. That happened at some point, right? but But I do like special fried rice.
00:12:47
Speaker
Okay. Anyway. i was trying to think of when I first felt like I was weird and different. And I was trying to think back.
00:13:00
Speaker
And I can remember there was a phase at school when if someone asked me the time, I would say it was four o'clock. regardless of the of the time, right? I would just say, they go, hey, Martin, what's the time? And I say, it's four o'clock. And they go, eh?
00:13:19
Speaker
And this went on for a while. And then at some point, I can remember sitting in but in but biology going, why am I so weird?
00:13:29
Speaker
Why I doing that? Like I sort of thought, you're just a weird little boy. really thinking that.
00:13:42
Speaker
I, this is difficult for me because i never, I don't remember, until very quite, I think quite recently of feeling like I just thought like i felt like an alien.
00:14:00
Speaker
Oh, at no, wait. I think it started only fairly recently, like 10 years ago, feeling like an alien and be doing a school. I was just like in my own world and that's it.
00:14:13
Speaker
You know, end of story. I just felt I don't fit in. Right. Which is different from, feeling like I was different. Right. Right.
00:14:26
Speaker
you know i think ah think when you kind of look back, yeah, no, no, no, yeah, for for
Building Friendships on Shared Traits
00:14:32
Speaker
for sure. And I think what i I didn't necessarily feel so much like that because yeah this episode is about like subconsciously building a support network around you. Like very early on, the friends that I have now, after all these decades, like yourself and some of our joint friends, they're all come back.
00:14:55
Speaker
yeah They all go way back to a point when you know I was, don't know, I want to say like 12, 13, somewhere around there.
00:15:07
Speaker
when Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was in the big school. I'm going up to the big school, i am yeah and And I had a bunch of, and I managed to find a bunch of friends. And they're all, I would say, you know, probably spectrum friendly, let's just say. Yeah,
00:15:30
Speaker
I just remember, I remember going to a big school and there was a big school. um I remember there was ah one ah black kid at the school.
00:15:44
Speaker
Oh, I had one as well. Weirdly. One. One single one. One black kid at the school. And I remember really identifying with him so subconsciously. Right? Right.
00:15:55
Speaker
Right. And from that, i it um developed into around that time, there was ah an amazing series that came on TV, an American series called Roots.
00:16:09
Speaker
Oh, yeah. And that from from there developed my really strong passion for black rights and South African apartheid issues, reading loads of books, Malcolm X, you know, um Oh, Jesus.
00:16:29
Speaker
come um Yeah. i yeah I really got into that. And I think so now looking, reflecting on that, I realized that was because it's like me identifying with a um um and ah community.
00:16:45
Speaker
Right. like Like here is an and and and out outlier person. I feel like I'm an outlier person. I feel we have a common bond.
00:16:58
Speaker
Exactly. bond And the unfairness about why they were being treated, how they were being treated. you know Right. So I remember that boy. And I regret, actually, we talk about we did a podcast about regrets.
00:17:10
Speaker
I never went up to the guy and said, oh, what's your name?
00:17:15
Speaker
i never i yeah which is a real shame i knew the uh kid in our school but you know it's it's um yeah it is funny how um you know that we kind of like tend to sort of like so you know we well i found the the the popular kids like i'd it i I never was i'd never felt like I was in that league, in that area.
00:17:47
Speaker
right It was all like you know the kind of the guys that were good at sports and they were you know yeah all the popular girls. like that That was just like not.
00:18:00
Speaker
There was like an alien bunch of people that I but to couldn't relate to. Yeah. I had no idea of being um attractive or and no idea...
00:18:18
Speaker
Even if girls would make it really, really obvious that that they were attracted to me. Do you want to go out with me, Paul?
00:18:30
Speaker
And I'd fend them off. actually got attacked by a girl. Oh, wow. Yeah. Because i like she was attracted to me. ah And yeah, her name was Kathy Tidy. She attacked me.
00:18:41
Speaker
You missed out. Kathy Tidy. Oh, wow. She attacked me in the playground. Blimey. And like, literally you had fistfuls of my hair. Ooh, that's passion.
00:18:54
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Amazing. Yeah, yeah. So anyway, yeah. That's how you get a boy's attention. You just grab fistfuls of hair.
00:19:06
Speaker
Exactly. And um I've just realized the reason why I didn't connect with the black boy at the school, because I was already getting bullied. Yeah. And I thought, ah okay, I've got enough of my own shit to deal with, you know, being an outsider.
00:19:20
Speaker
I don't want to increase the risk by, you know, ah you know you know ah pinning my, you know, ah attaching my flag to another outsider. It's like, yeah, risk another risk.
00:19:37
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, no, it's it is weird because I can remember, I remember, and it is weird how those little early connections start because because i used to read I used to read comic books and someone at the front of the class said,
00:19:56
Speaker
I heard from someone else that they also read comic books. And I went, ooh. And I went up to them. I said, oh, have you heard of this comic? And they went, no. And then I introduced them to that comic. And then we've been friends for like ever since. So that was Steve. That was Steve Schillito.
00:20:17
Speaker
um and uh i was friends yeah so um and there is that kind of like interesting way that you kind of you know if you if you if you have a special interest or a thing that you really like and you you know and you see that in someone else you get oh i want i i need this person i need to go yeah yeah talk to them about that thing Yeah. And then you get, oh, we are actually alike.
00:20:46
Speaker
So let's yeah let's be friends. i Yeah, I didn't have a contact like that at school. No, no, no, no. Yeah, i know. I think many people don't. they' just kind of like that that the that those early years. ah just Yeah.
00:21:04
Speaker
Which, you know, we're talking about subconsciously building our like networks and communities. ah And so, you know, it offered the we experience the polar opposite of that, of being very lonely, you know.
00:21:18
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just thinking about you know like um trying to build communities because I was just like a a little kid or young adult or whatever. ah There is a lot that goes into building a a community, and we're talking about pre-internet. they're theyre they're you know right The only people you know are ah your friends, and that's it.
00:21:51
Speaker
Right. Yeah. There is nothing else. Yeah. Yeah. So it's much more coincidental in a way. Yeah. That you might or might not, you know run into bump into ah people that you could potentially connect with.
00:22:09
Speaker
Yeah. I can remember like my early, my first, what I can think of as like trying to build a community was this kind of failed attempt. So before the internet, there was a thing which you'll know, Paul, it was called Prestel.
00:22:32
Speaker
Which was when you would switch on your TV and put it to a certain channel and then the the information would come up and it be like the weather or flights.
00:22:45
Speaker
you know There was all this kind of like digital, very basic 8-bit graphic. Yeah. There was also Oracle at the same time. Right.
00:22:56
Speaker
um And I'm not quite sure how I managed to find out, but there was a magazine that the ah that said if you buy a modem unit, you could hook it to your phone.
00:23:11
Speaker
And if you had ah had a Sinclair Spectrum, like a little one of those early game computers um back in like real the real early eighty eighty s And you could actually get on to Prestel and you could carve out your own space. You could actually write your own page.
00:23:37
Speaker
write your own page Okay. Right. Okay. so So I did. mean, okay i I had my i had the what would be like a proto-website where if you managed to accidentally press the wrong buttons on your on your television can control, you might actually weirdly stumble on my or my page.
00:24:03
Speaker
And that was... It was just random shit. It was just really weird stuff and just random thoughts I was having i said as ah as a kid. And I think that that was like an early version of me trying to kind of build something that maybe people would go, ooh, look, I like this, you know, trying to build build something. I think, I mean, I've mentioned ah this on episodes before, but I'll reflection. i I get really emotional when I ever see it, to come across it again on the internet.
00:24:41
Speaker
ah When I see Gary Newman on top of the pops, when he appeared for the first time, first time on top of the pops, I saw him when I was 10 or 11 and like subconsciously thought, Oh, there's others like me out there.
00:25:00
Speaker
Right. he will know He was almost like a poster child for, I think he described himself as Asperger's. ah Asperger's, yeah. I think that's yeah how how he called himself.
00:25:15
Speaker
And it blows my mind a bit now because I only found out about this about four years ago about this and he telling his story about it. And it was like my mind was blown. You know, and I made the link. like That's why I was strangely connected to him. It like, oh, there's another one from my planet.
00:25:35
Speaker
Right. Exactly. Another one from your planet, Paul. Exactly. So if you don't know who Gary Newman is, he was like a pop star from the late 70s, early 80s.
00:25:48
Speaker
And he yeah he he had that kind of very robotic kind of pale form. face and he looked like an alien yeah and he just kind of like played into that whole thing. It didn't really dance around. It like stayed stayed pretty still and occasionally glanced towards the camera in a kind of vague way. And sneer occasionally.
00:26:11
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. It's brilliant. But yeah. The song was called Our Friends Electric. Yeah. Yeah. ah by a band called Tubeway Army. It's great, brilliant.
00:26:23
Speaker
Right. If I come across it now, I get emotional. I'm a 10-year-old again or 11-year-old. Oh, I know. ah know. that And it is it is kind of interesting when see, know, like when, out you know, but because we said our communities was basically just schools, right? And then you go and watch TV and there's someone else that is like you.
00:26:49
Speaker
yeah you or you think kind of like, no, you're from my planet. Exactly. You're from my planet. know you are. Or it could have been, I don't know, the Muppets. And you see, like, I don't know, animals plays the drums. Gonzo. Oh, it's another one from my planet.
00:27:07
Speaker
Right. It's like, ah, i know where he's coming from. I get you, Gonzo. Yeah. I get you. I was connected with Animal playing the drums. Yes. All right.
00:27:18
Speaker
Yes. Because he was like a sort of like a, so much energy that that was almost like kind of, and it was always on on a leash. It was almost like you kind of felt like he was, that he just really wanted to let rip. And then he'd go, rah!
00:27:34
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. And it's funny, isn't it? so I think it's a really interesting discussion about community. It's not necessarily about, you know, you might picture community representing like, i don't know, crowds of people or in a community. service So it's like just making like connections and then those connections build up into like a pattern in some way. Like the first time I saw Debbie Harry,
00:28:02
Speaker
Oh my God. There's ah actually a female from my planet. Oh, right. You know, she's from my planet too. Morrissey when he first was like, he was on top of the box the first time and swinging around a bunch of um daffodils.
00:28:20
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, It's not from my planet, but it's not from this planet, you know. Right. But, yeah, it it is it the right like that that becomes like this other little extension out of your yeah world into sump something. There is something bigger out there. There is more like you.
00:28:40
Speaker
Yeah. You feel a little bit less lonely. Right. Right. And in the meantime, my dad always called me his weird son.
00:28:52
Speaker
i think we've said this. Always called me that, yeah. Yeah. and um but Oh, by the way, i was supposed to have a conversation with my dad two weeks ago, and I was going to tell him about my diagnosis, and I didn't in the end because the conversation went in a certain way.
00:29:08
Speaker
But ah in my mind, I'm going to tell my dad, look, in the end, you diagnosed me. 40 years ago, 50 years ago, when you always called me, ah say, dad, you know, you always call me your weird son.
00:29:24
Speaker
You diagnosed me as being neurodiverse, you know, 45 years ago. right and without realizing it you know right anyway so yeah that's i mean like it's it's it's kind of i mean like i just i'm just thinking about uh yes so you've got when i kind of slightly fast forward myself and then you you you get the internet right and then that starts to happen and then you get online and then there's a whole i mean i found like there was a there was ah
00:30:02
Speaker
bigger community where you could talk to people outside of, you know, outside of work. Well,
Work Environment Challenges
00:30:09
Speaker
actually, you know what? Let's talk about work because ah you kind of go through the whole school system, right?
00:30:15
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you meet people along the way and you kind of like pick up people. And then you go out into the workplace, which is like another totally alien place. It's much more random as well and and unsettling, destabilizing.
00:30:30
Speaker
And very masking. So everyone was much more masked. at work than they were at school. At school, people were generally just like, you know, unmasked for most of the time, it seemed to me anyway.
00:30:43
Speaker
But app so so then trying to find your people the work in in environment was, I found, o leave very difficult.
00:30:55
Speaker
Yeah. I think i early on over the years I've subconsciously connected with people who I thought would not um put obstacles in the way of my life.
00:31:12
Speaker
objectives, right? And i when I say objectives from project to project, i was like, ah I subconsciously picked out people like fellow creatives who I thought I could work with and weren't going to upset me.
00:31:27
Speaker
Right. ah For instance, if there was a really nice project, a really nice client, and I thought, okay, this project has got loads of potential, right?
00:31:39
Speaker
at that point I would start subconsciously um trying to um work with people and push the project in some way to work with people that I thought wouldn't get in my way of what I thought the potential of the project was, you know?
00:32:00
Speaker
Right. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah. um Yeah. Cause that's, I mean,
00:32:10
Speaker
I'm just trying to kind of think about projects that I've worked with you on, like, you way back in the day. And I kind of think about... Well, yeah. I was thinking about this this week, actually.
00:32:23
Speaker
We didn't work with each other a lot, actually. No. No, I was going to say, yeah if if we got a project, we were, you know, like, if you had a project, you would basically just work on it, right?
00:32:35
Speaker
Like... Yeah. you You were just like an island under yourself. And if I got something, I was an island under myself. Yeah. and we yeah and we knew And we never really no bounced ideas off of each other much. Which is a shame, but, you know, yeah.
00:32:54
Speaker
Yeah. Well, I mean, that there's ah there is a kind of a reason for that because I'm quite um ah quite um a bit of a control freak. I like to like, um m how can I say
00:33:11
Speaker
A control freak? ah look A control freak? Yeah. Ownership. i'll I like ownership. Yeah. Yeah. to It's like oh if the project fucks up, it's down to me, you know, and no one else, you know.
00:33:25
Speaker
um Right. And the less people involved, ah the less obstacles are going to appear. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, It's quite common along to creatives. They're quite, you know, protective.
00:33:40
Speaker
Right.
Creative Collaboration
00:33:41
Speaker
And I was, and like, and when I think about it, i was definitely that way. And I think being that way, I never really, I'm just trying to think back in those early years, like I never really found my tribe, even though you and i were working in the, in the creative industry where, you know, as I've said before, you can just throw, you can throw a Sharpie and you'll, and you'll hit someone who is ADHD.
00:34:10
Speaker
um And it wasn't until I got into advertising agencies where you are forced to work much more collaboratively. Like you couldn't work as an You were much more, you're paired up with a copywriter. You work with the account teams.
00:34:29
Speaker
time You pulled in other people for brainstorms. So it was much more of a collaborative thing, forcing me to kind to open up, I guess. And then and then I went, oh, actually,
00:34:41
Speaker
everyone here is like on the is like adhd like we're all the the same and then thankfully um i i i found a lot of my of my tribe just work people yeah because that was the industry that's that's where we all hung out yeah doing it doing advertising like yeah no I was thinking about this episode during the week, you know, to do yeah reflecting on it, and I realized that I do something, whether it's either in my personal life for my or in my professional life, but mostly my personal life,
00:35:21
Speaker
I've realized since being diagnosed that ah my way of connecting with people is to test their sense of humor. Right.
00:35:34
Speaker
It's like throwing out, ah like going fishing, throwing out a hook, you know, throwing out ah like a ah weird um thing in that in my head is funny and and see if they take the bait.
00:35:51
Speaker
And then, yeah like, oh, they took the bait. Oh, he's someone I could spend time with. Yeah. Or not. right. yeah or not no right Yeah, I think I i mean, i I do that now.
00:36:06
Speaker
Like that is still something that I but i do. it's ah It's like a sort of a i it's it's loved like a test. It's like one of totally one of the one of those kind of gatekeeping tests. Like if I throw out a line or or two, which I know.
00:36:25
Speaker
Yeah. That if you're that way inclined, you will pick it up and then you'll respond back in a certain way or something. Right. Yeah. um And if they do, they're great. We just have a really good back and forth and we're like best, best buds.
00:36:41
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. Or not. yeah You could throw the line out and it's like you you get this like this, that stare that comes back. Right. You throw it out. Fuck are you talking about? Yeah. Falls flat.
00:36:55
Speaker
It falls flat. Yeah. Yeah. right Yeah. And you read it back in. It's just got weeds on it. Yeah. Nothing. as like Okay. Nothing. Nothing biting.
00:37:06
Speaker
You are not my people. You are not from my planet. I shall move on.
00:37:13
Speaker
I know. like... There are, like... there are like there are also not only just in that kind of like conversational, you know joking and using humor, um which I think a lot of us do, but, but even just the kind of what people are wearing, right. The choices that they make, you know, like yeah you have the tattoos, right.
00:37:37
Speaker
Yeah. So like, I tend to think of like, if someone's got, someone's got a lot of ta tattoos and I kind of tend to think, Rightly or wrongly that, you know, like they may be more my my people, even though I don't have anything at all. But kind of quite I like you. You're interesting.
00:37:58
Speaker
Yeah. Well, I did a bit of research on based on ADHD and how people ADHD is pick up on um body language. Right.
00:38:10
Speaker
So if you if you put it into context, you know, people say, you know, nine tenths of communication is nonverbal. Right. Right. um
00:38:20
Speaker
And there is something to be said for, you know, they said ADHD is a really good at reading a room. So why are they good at reading a room? Because they like pick up on mostly body language, right?
Non-Verbal Communication Skills
00:38:37
Speaker
Right. Or it could be tone of voice or a general mixture of stuff, you know. um and yeah, there's definitely something in that. So whether it's, you know, as you say, it could be also how people dress, the way they've cut their hair, and you could, like, see there are certain – um, how can you say it?
00:39:00
Speaker
Certain flags. Yeah. Oh, there you go That's exactly, that's going to be someone interesting to talk to. I'll go and talk to them.
00:39:12
Speaker
There's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a spicy person. I know. Cause you, and you end up with this sort of ADHD, Vader almost. Yeah. Um, you know, where, um,
00:39:25
Speaker
you know, you're kind of where you see them and you can kind of pick up on so much stuff. you think, oh, maybe they are my sort of people and you might kind of go over there and start chatting with them and they kind of...
00:39:42
Speaker
And they joke back and they just seem to have very similar stories to you. Yeah, totally. Yeah. And that was so fun up. It happens so fast.
00:39:53
Speaker
Well, we had a guest on one of our episodes, Alicia here in Italy. If you're watching Alicia, hello. Hello, Alicia. um wait We did exactly this. She was waiting. she was i went to a gig here in Italy, and she was she was one of the acts that was going to perform that night.
00:40:17
Speaker
And she was at one end of the room, I was the other. And we just like straight away, really strong connection. And we like we started talking as if we're like best buddies straight away.
00:40:30
Speaker
Right. As you know, as for me, when that connection happens, when that kind of dynamic happens, especially in conversation, it's my favorite kind of dopamine.
00:40:45
Speaker
Right. That sense of like, Oh, this conversation conversation could go any freaking where, you know, could go anywhere, you know? Yeah. Yeah. yeah Yeah. I know. It's my favorite dopamine. Yeah.
00:40:59
Speaker
It's an adventure. I know. And then you end up with like, so with a bunch of friends who are all kind of very similar of a very similar kind of way.
00:41:11
Speaker
And then you end up with like these glorious times, which is the things that I miss. If I miss anything, it's, it's, and I've so i've said this before. It's like, it's, you're sitting in a pub in England with all your mates and,
00:41:26
Speaker
Yeah. And you're just bouncing stuff off of each other left and right. And and you're just trying to make each other laugh and you're trying to throw in that killer line.
00:41:38
Speaker
and it And it's such a joy. Like when you find your your people. Yeah. it's, it's such a joy, right. To kind of like, Oh my God, I really feel like I've, I belong.
00:41:54
Speaker
And it's such a relief, right? Such a relief. Yeah. Kind of Oh God, there's more people that they, you know, like it's not just me. They like me. I like them. We have shared experiences.
00:42:06
Speaker
We have the same sorts of struggles. Um, And then you end up, I think, you know, where where you, you know, out of the backside of of all all of this is you end up with like, you know, you know, you have a sense of belonging.
00:42:22
Speaker
um Yes. Because when you are, if you, you if you're out out out on your own, yeah you know, you suffer more. If you don't have that community, you suffer more from depression and anxieties.
00:42:33
Speaker
depression and and anxieties Oh, God, yeah. And all of that. um And just having that community of people that talk to means that yeah it's so much healthier for you.
00:42:48
Speaker
Just purely mental and physical. Yeah. it This has come to mind i because I live in Italy. And unfortunately ADHD autism ah is not on their radars.
Living in Italy with ADHD
00:43:05
Speaker
It's really not, you know, also because I live out in the sticks, you know, in a medieval village. um And it's not on people's radars, right? Not in the least bit. It's not even, they don't even know there's a radar, right?
00:43:22
Speaker
And so it is lonely, you know, um it's it's hard. It's really hard. I'm sure it is. Yeah. Because you when you make the connections, it is better when it's physical, you know. There's no substitute for for making the connections when actually physical and they're not, you know, they're not so um stimulating online, you know.
00:43:52
Speaker
ah you know I think personally, i it is different. you Having um an online connection is different. But
Deep Online Connections
00:44:01
Speaker
I would argue that actually it it is different, but it can be so much so much deeper.
00:44:12
Speaker
faster online than it is in the real life like i've i've made connections with people um the that that it would have taken me like a year to kind of get to a certain place but actually online right yeah We actually, all that kind of bullshit was kind of cut out. And actually we just went straight down to the deep stuff, like so quickly.
00:44:37
Speaker
um But that's an interesting thing. That is a very ADHD dynamic though, in a way. i always find when you talk to fit fellow ADHDers,
00:44:50
Speaker
um the the The filters are left off, right? You know, yeah and and you, I found that conversations with ADHD as an autistic people are very open and um um open and free kind of, you know,
00:45:14
Speaker
relationships, you know, yeah you just like get into like really
00:45:21
Speaker
not deep stuff, but like really, how can I say it? Um, you get into like really open kind of conversations really, really easily, you know, free flowing and, you know,
00:45:39
Speaker
yeah no I've noticed that since I got diagnosed, it's the conversation between ADHD is a really, um, Yeah.
00:45:51
Speaker
I don't know. can't think of the right description. While you're thinking about it, I guess, the yeah i as as you get older, I think um we are more comfortable with kind of like laying stuff out there, like exposing something of ourselves, right?
00:46:11
Speaker
Yes. Like a a a foible or or a thing or a thing that we struggle with, right? Yeah. And then the other person then kind of goes,
00:46:21
Speaker
oh I can now talk about my struggles or the things that i find weird. Right. Is that,
Comfort with ADHD
00:46:30
Speaker
you know, so I like that the, the, the more comfortable you are with ADHD and yourself, the more open you are with other people. And that gives them permission to kind of be open yeah as well. And, you know, as you say, you end up with that kind of like much more open, it's and ah open to dialogue.
00:46:52
Speaker
Yeah. And I found that it gets really open and insightful and honest, really, really fast. You know, it's like bang straight into it, you know, unfiltered and stuff. And whereas i've I've noticed with neurotypical people, it's they kind of like tiptoe around the edge a lot more, you know, and they're scared to maybe, you know, go on into some subject with ADHD. I've noticed like, it's really kind of like,
00:47:19
Speaker
bang direct and open and trusting, you know? Yeah, absolutely. All right. Well, we're now 47 minutes in. So, uh, if you've got any, any, ah any other final things that, that, that we haven't gone over that, uh, that you, Oh, just this one last thing I've got here.
00:47:42
Speaker
There's one one thing I think that we talked about how, the how element of making connections. There's also element of, I mean, just me, something ah thought of, came to mind, might be relevant, might be not, but it I could have, it made sense to me.
00:48:02
Speaker
i think we also look to make these connections because like, it's almost like saying my, my life ah My daily routines are difficult enough already.
00:48:12
Speaker
So we look to make these kind of connections, right? Throwing the hook out and, you know, to people because you like looking for people that aren't going to make your life even more complicated. Right.
00:48:24
Speaker
than they already are, right? Just like energy saving. You know, you're already exhausted by the neuro neurotypical world. So
Strategic Relationship Building
00:48:33
Speaker
you throw out the lines, you know, you look for those kids because you want to think, I want to spend time with people that aren't going to make my daily routine even more exhausting.
00:48:46
Speaker
See what mean? Subconsciously. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And who needs to be exhausted? um Well, I'm too exhausted to actually walk to the post office. So we should we just get the tractor? Let's get the tractor out.
00:49:05
Speaker
Bring around, lads. Yeah. And those tractor seats, you know, they're not comfortable. No padding. um No, a a farmer's arse must be a yeah yeah pretty made of stern stocky stuff.
00:49:27
Speaker
Stocky stuff. Oh, boy. All right. Go for it, Paul. ah go for Yes, your feedback is vital to us. It is. Everyone out there listening and watching.
00:49:40
Speaker
We read all of your comments and we might read yours out on our future podcast. Yes, we will. Yes, we might. Like this one. Martin from Mel.
00:49:52
Speaker
Yep. Yep. She said wrote to us on YouTube. Well, the YouTube, I think it says episode 74. ah She said, well done, Vanessa and guys.
00:50:02
Speaker
I enjoyed this podcast. Kiss, kiss. XX. XX. And then we've got one from Shelley. um Great episode. Got my gears turning about accountability and ADHD and autism.
00:50:18
Speaker
And then do you want to do the last one, Mr. T? ah Yes. I've got one from a very loyal listener, watcher, Alexandra, who left this message on YouTube.
00:50:32
Speaker
She's a lovely episode, guys, ADHD and Sonder episode, which is the last but one. Yep. Episode 75. So relatable, um exclamation mark.
00:50:45
Speaker
get some, get same feeling when I'm in a plane, even if I'm nearly in a, in a panic attack, those thoughts of the world are come comforting.
00:50:56
Speaker
So yeah, just talking about separate context, Sonder about, um, how we behave and relate to, ah being in crowded places and the sort of feeling of being, um, not knowing people.
00:51:12
Speaker
Right. ah ah yeah not no other no like Other people are the ah of the heroes of their own story, and you're just like a little bit part player. Bit part walk on, walk off parts.
00:51:25
Speaker
I know. which actually It's a really interesting ah episode, actually. Yeah, go but if you haven't gone gone back and and watched our episode on ADHD and Sonder, it is unique. It is different. No one else is talking about it.
00:51:40
Speaker
We are now at the forefront of podcastery. Podcastery. Yes. three Finger on the proverbial pulse. Yes. we are just We are going to new and different places. Yes.
00:51:55
Speaker
um all right so i think that just means that outro time i can say that adhdville is delivered fresh every tuesday to all providers of our podcast it is indeed uh please subscribe to the podcast and rate us most magnificent and feel free to correspond with us at will in the comments but wait there is more if you want to see our beautiful beautiful faces um then you can sally forth to the YouTubes and the TikToks.
00:52:29
Speaker
if you And if you want to write us an email, you can pick up a quill and email us set a at adhdville at gmail.com. But in the meantime... Or you haven't got a quill, pick up a ballpoint pen, a Bic, you know, pencil, a crayon. A crayon. Or not to be.
Closing and Encouragement
00:52:50
Speaker
But in the meantime, be fucking kind to yourself. And I beseech you, fellow ADHDers, know thyself, sons of the hounds, come hither and get the flesh. Which is, if you don't know it, it's actually a war cry from the Cameron Scottish clan. That's what they used to shout.
00:53:08
Speaker
Free war from the hills. Oh, right. So it's like a battle cry for your life battle cry from the Cameron clan. Oh, look at that We have outlasted the outro.
00:53:21
Speaker
Wow. I know. So that just leaves me to press this button that says... There, says the mayor. That's that. That is...