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Episode 55: Happy Birthday To Us!
46 Plays7 years ago
This episode marks the 1 year anniversary of Predetermined! The boys have compiled some of their favorite clips from the first year of the show!
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Transcript
Podcast Anniversary and Audience Reflection
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey, everybody. Welcome to another episode of Predetermined, a Pro Wrestling Hangout. I'm your host, Garrett Callender. And with me, as always, a man who, as of this episode, has been hanging out with you once a week for a full year. Derek Halpin. For a full freaking year, man, we've been doing this podcast for over 365 days now, if you're listening to this.
00:00:25
Speaker
and it has been a ride buddy it has been quite the adventure we've had some highs we've had some lows we've had some hilarious discussions we've had some arguments a lot of back and forths been to a lot of wrestling shows and look at where we're at today look at where we were at a year ago how you feeling
00:00:43
Speaker
I think it's insane that people are listening. It still surprises me. Not only are there listeners, there are new listeners. We've picked people up along the way, Derek. This hangout, it's snowballing. Believe it or not, as weird as we are, we have listeners around the world. This show is global, baby.
00:01:05
Speaker
It's international. We are something of a sensation in Iraq. We have some people, did you say in Brazil? We have some listeners in Brazil. Yeah, Brazil, Spain, the UK, Australia.
00:01:20
Speaker
And here you and I are in the Midwest of the United States of America, freezing our asses off. It's as if everybody has stumbled onto a weird public access station, and for whatever reason, cap it on. Yep. They found us at two in the morning. They're letting it run. Yeah, you know what? They were watching that infomercial of the guy trying to sell all those knives, and here we are. We came on right after it, buddy. We got that 3 AM spot.
00:01:48
Speaker
We're trying to sell you on pro wrestling with the worst of pro wrestling a lot of the times.
Memorable Moments and Show Permanence
00:01:54
Speaker
But yeah, we've been we've been doing this thing for a year. We have something a little special for you today. We went back through a bunch of our clips and tried to find it's weird saying a best of because was Derek was anything truly the best? I think that our listeners would say that we have some really good moments.
00:02:13
Speaker
Yeah, going back and listening to these, I totally forgot about a lot of things. So we're gonna do kind of just a compilation of some of the, some fun moments, some weird conversations.
00:02:26
Speaker
It's a special episode. We probably won't get to do this, but once a year, assuming that we continue to do this for multiple years. But we're doing this forever, Derek. You and I are going to die. And that's when this ends. It was it really was. It was fun going back through old episodes and listening to some of our early stuff, listening to recent stuff and comparing it. And isn't it crazy when we were going back and listening to some of the stuff that
00:02:53
Speaker
Some of it's hard to believe that it was a year ago. Some of those discussions we had early on, they don't feel like they were that long ago. No, this year has really flown by and that could be because of just the amount of wrestling we've been watching and how often we were attending things and just keeping up with doing this show. It all just flew by. I think that the part that hit me the hardest is
00:03:18
Speaker
I don't feel like last year's WrestleMania was that long ago. That as a point of reference, I think after having watched the most recent Royal Rumble and realizing that Nakamura won last year and then everything that's transpired since then. I think that point of reference really messed me up because it doesn't feel like that WrestleMania was that far ago.
00:03:44
Speaker
It really was. Think about even going back and listening to some of these old clips. I actually found a clip where you were learning who Joey Janela was for the first
Evolution in Pro Wrestling Personalities
00:03:54
Speaker
time. Yeah. And now I'm quite familiar with Joey Janela.
00:03:59
Speaker
He has become a great pal. But take a second to realize all the different things that have happened in the world of pro wrestling since we have started this podcast. Think not just about me getting introduced to Joey Janela, but think about where Cody and the Bucks have gone since then. Think about
00:04:17
Speaker
how SCU came onto the map in a big way in that time. Think of, God, I don't know. The rise and fall of Bullet Club. Right. Nido. The years he's had. Jericho. You pick out all these individual names and you realize that since we have started this podcast, there's a story arc for every one of these people.
00:04:41
Speaker
women's wrestling started main eventing things. Great. I mean, when we started that stuff was already on the upswing. Right. But no, but still like, yeah. Evolution. Yeah. No, I get what you're saying. Like there's a lot of things that have happened that significant, significant moments. AEW.
00:05:01
Speaker
the start of a new promotion. Ring of Honor basically casting out a good chunk of its core. At one point we used to say something nice. Now we don't. Now we don't. Now we say mean things. I did want to make a point to comment on that. It's really funny going back to our early episodes and how naive we were and like we try to stay positive on this podcast.
00:05:24
Speaker
We tried. I think we still do. I think we, you know, we're pretty nice to things and we respect everyone pretty well. I mean, even the jizzes of the world get their respect eventually. I think we're way more cynical now.
00:05:41
Speaker
I think we just, I think as a slogan, we kind of abandoned the idea of we're not going to talk shit. We're not going to do it. We're just going to, we're just going to talk about the positives. And now we're just kind of like, eh, the negatives come up. We're talking shit for 15 minutes. That's what we do. I think we probably, uh, we still have fun with the negatives though. I, we're not, we're not too cynical now, right? No, I'd say we're more positive than most pro wrestling podcasts.
00:06:08
Speaker
And somehow, out of all the pro wrestling podcasts out there, you've stumbled onto this one. And we can't thank you enough for it. And they've stuck with us.
00:06:19
Speaker
Is this even an appropriate episode to remind them how they can repay us for being able to survive an entire year with this podcast? Is this an appropriate time to tell them how they can give us a gift on the internet? For our one year anniversary, Derek, what would you like more than anything in the world?
00:06:39
Speaker
For our one-year anniversary, the first birthday officially for Predetermined at Pro Wrestling Hangout, the best thing you could get us would be to hop onto iTunes, give us those five stars, leave us a rating, and give us that really lengthy, nice review. Tell everyone how much you like the podcast. Tell them your favorite parts, your favorite episodes. We don't care. Say something nice. Since we're not doing it, you do it. We'd really appreciate it.
00:07:11
Speaker
I'm sure by now they're following us on social media, Garrett, but, you know, tell them how to do that.
00:07:27
Speaker
Man, how do you want to set
Podcast Tone: From Positivity to Cynicism
00:07:29
Speaker
this up? We've got so many things that we went through. It was a process going back through over 55 episodes and sifting through different things and figuring out what to include, things that kind of captured the essence of the show and our best hits. I will say, going back and listening, I was expecting to cringe more. And I think it's some of the positivity I did cringe a little bit.
00:07:54
Speaker
What do you mean? Just hearing how it felt like, you know, we were being people, we weren't. Like putting lipstick on a pig, you mean? Is that what you're saying? I felt like a cute pig, but still a pig wearing lipstick. Here we are now. I do feel like we are being ourselves every week. I do, I do as well. I think we've grown as people, we've grown as
00:08:24
Speaker
Wrestling fans? We've seen a lot of shit. We don't need to be, you know... I just think that there's some room here, Garrett. You should actually take some pride in what we've done in the sense that I think we've helped our listeners grow as well. Like, it's possible that some of our listeners didn't know what furries were. We have listeners now who openly embrace calling Otis Jizz.
00:08:48
Speaker
And Tucker Otis. I woke up to two messages on my phone today. One from my co-worker Jeremy, who I don't think even listens to the show, but knows that I refer to Otis as Jizz. And all it was was a text that just said, Jizz is on TV, bro. He knows! And then we also got a tweet from Suplex and Stilettos that just said, is Otis the one you call Jizz?
00:09:19
Speaker
And Tucker is out us.
00:09:26
Speaker
We gotta give another shout out to her. She sent us a couple shirts just a few weeks back for Christmas. I've been wearing mine the last couple days while I've been inside avoiding the cold temperatures outside. So thank you, Suplex and Stilettos. I'm still rocking that shirt. Looks good, feels good. Where do you see this show going, Derek? Do you have any hopes and dreams for it now that we're through the first year and obviously on a fast track to success? I just wanna make it another year. I'm taking it one year at a time.
00:09:56
Speaker
Some people will say one day at a time. Nah, I know we can do this week to week. We got that down. That's not a problem. But we have yearly milestones. We talked about it when we were doing the Sophie's. We got things that we look forward to. I want to go to more wrestling this year. The fact that last February, God, less than a year ago, we went to our first AAW show together and plan on doing more of that. Want to get some more freelance shows this year. I want to hang out with Craig Mitchell.
00:10:26
Speaker
We need to make a point of that. That's something that we should do sometime. Well, you both are in Chicago freezing your balls off right now, so you can work that out amongst yourselves. I hope Craig's warm and safe wherever he is. And I mean that. There's no sarcasm. There is a brotherhood going on right now in this city. It is currently minus 12 with a wind chill of minus 35, and that is actually not bad. It's been worse. The hours on either end are going to be worse.
00:10:54
Speaker
Could you pick up your recorder and take it outside and give us a weather report from- Fuck you, I'm not going out there. I understand that you could get frostbite, that's why we're gonna make it quick. Yeah, I went out there just a couple hours ago for the only time I've been outside today, and as soon as I stepped outside, the hairs in my nose crystallized immediately.
00:11:18
Speaker
You don't have a response to that? What? I mean, what do you want from me? You chose to live in Chicago. You're the one trying to shove me out the goddamn door. Why should I? What do you want to hear from me? Take your shirt off. Take your shirt off. Go outside. Give me a weather report. Come back in. Well, because would do that, but I'm not doing that. It's our birthday. Take your shirt off. Jizz is absolutely the guy that would take all of his clothes off and dive into a snowdrift.
00:11:43
Speaker
while making those noises. Derek, I'm ready. I'm ready to create some more memories. I'm ready to create a lot of memories with you, dude, but we should relive some of the ones we've created over the last year and we should share that with our listeners. So what do we say? Hit our goddamn clips. Hit our goddamn greatest hits.
00:12:13
Speaker
We can jump back into this in just a second. I wanna say I'm a little
Humorous Wrestling Commentary and Imitations
00:12:17
Speaker
upset with you.
00:12:19
Speaker
Why are you upset with me? Well, last week, because this is the first week I'd watched SmackDown in quite a while before this, and last week you were describing to me the Sammy Kevin beat down on Shane. And you did say that it sounded like Shane was giving birth when he got powerbombed onto that thing, but I feel like you didn't really do it justice. I've rewatched that over and over again.
00:12:45
Speaker
Yeah, that's good shit. I think that we should take turns trying to recreate that sound. Right now? Yes, give me your best shame. Is that pretty good?
00:13:14
Speaker
Can we do that every show? Yeah, just do your best, Shane. That's a new segment. Do your best, Shane. So they replayed the Shane beatdown and Leah actually watched the whole show with me tonight. And when she saw that part, she goes, well, that doesn't look like they were having fun. That looks like they stopped playing.
00:13:42
Speaker
She said Shane didn't look like he was having fun in that part, like before it was just friends hanging out and then they crushed his throat with the chair and all that, she said it just seemed too mean. She said it stopped being pro wrestling and just became a real thing there for a minute. She was legitimately concerned for Shane's health. Well, you hear those sounds, those aren't a sound you make on purpose if you're gonna be on TV. One thing I'll give credit to Shane on, he's always done a really good job of selling when he wants to.
00:14:12
Speaker
I mean, you know, it's pretty easy. That's what that was. So as far as you being mad at me, dude, what could I have said to possibly have done that sound justice? Make it like what we just did. You're like, I can't even describe it. I have to just do it. You needed to watch that shit.
00:14:27
Speaker
And I did, and I just think that next time if somebody's making a dumbass sound, I need you to really give it to me. And you're right, it did sound and it looked like he was giving birth. He was looking down at his dick like maybe something was gonna come out of him. I don't know if you caught it tonight. Did you notice that when Brian had them replay that segment in the ring that Owens leaned over to Zayn and recreated the noise? No, he didn't.
00:14:56
Speaker
He did! Go back and watch it! Fuck. If somebody out there can get that Shane sound into MP3 form and send that to me, that'll be my ringtone for the rest of the year.
00:15:10
Speaker
hold on if somebody can get that into mp3 format and send that to you can we blend that into the music next episode please oh yeah they're wanting for the next while it won't even say hit my goddamn music it's just gonna be like hit it Shane
00:15:38
Speaker
Oh, I'm sweating, I'm laughing so hard. God, seriously, nothing brought me as much joy. Honestly, if I could choose between having Daniel Bryan back or just that sound, I mean, I'm really happy for Daniel.
00:15:56
Speaker
But that sound, if he saw how much I laughed when Shane was doing it, he would be like, okay, it's fine. I'm not wrestling anymore. I'll skip that. Can we talk about it seriously for a moment, though? It's good that they finally made Owens and Zayn like an injury threat.
00:16:16
Speaker
So where are you with Alistair Black? You aren't sold yet on him. I don't think that's a fair way of putting it. I'm sold on him. I think he's a great talent. He's ridiculous. I don't have to necessarily be a guy's number one mark to tell you what he's doing is working.
00:16:33
Speaker
His shtick is working. He's got a fan base. They pop for him. Like I said to you yesterday, before we were going to Money in the Bank, he's got the heaviest, hardest entrance music I've ever heard in WWE, except maybe for CM Punk's Killswitch engaged music. God, just... And the crowd knew every word of that song. I know, like they have it in their playlist. I don't know a word to that. The whole crowd, I felt like...
00:17:03
Speaker
Yeah That's that's all I hear and that's fine and that's what it sounded like when the crowd was doing it We didn't pick up on a lyric So that actually is that the crowd's just making those noise The last part sounds like a cat like
00:17:33
Speaker
I guess, uh, it was what it was. I want you to get that back piece he has. Like, if next time I see you, you're just like, hey man, and you pull the shirt off, and you're just like, I just thought it was a good tattoo. Yeah, no. That's not the tattoo I would get. What would you get? Maybe Rusev's tattoo of, like, whatever, Bulgaria. How far down his ass does that go? I don't know. I've always wanted to know.
00:17:56
Speaker
Who's, okay, in WWE, who's tattoo, if you could pick one tattoo out of any WWE wrestler, you have to get one of theirs and have it. Who's are you going with? I would probably get Owens' Evil Liv tattoo that's backwards and forwards. I think that's a pretty cool one. You love him though. I do, but I'm just saying, how many tattoos do I look at and go, oh, that's witty. That's one I'm fine being stuck with forever.
00:18:23
Speaker
I think the wittiest had to really doesn't get talked about enough and that's Brock Lesnar's kill them all tramp stamp. No. That's cute. That's cute that I think he knew that was funny when he got it. The fucking sword pointed at his chin.
00:18:38
Speaker
That's great, too. That's a level of confidence I'll never have. Like, Brock Lesnar has tattoos of a competent man. Mine are gonna be... Mine are gonna definitely not be... Not be nearly as confident? Yeah, like, if I end up getting just, like, a gun and a sword and, like, a dismembered arm and I don't know what the fuck else... Mushroom cloud? Like, if I came home and showed Leah Killamal across my lower back... MDK?
00:19:03
Speaker
Get that Nick Gage tattoo. Me and him are going to be a tag team someday. I'd feel it. You got it. Paint those abs, boy. But you would think that if they want the demon, they would want Paul Heyman too, right? Jesus. If I was paying $40 million, I would definitely want to see Bailey's Tubeman and my show.
00:19:31
Speaker
Well, it's a different culture and tube men aren't allowed in Saudi Arabia. That is horseshit. Wacky waving inflatable tube men. They're actually stuck at customs right now. They got arrested. And they look so distraught. And they were found with cocaine in their butt, which explains the way they move and their excitement.
00:19:53
Speaker
They're the ultimate marks. Actually, you know what? We're going to send them over to intro Brock Lesnar, and then they got caught up over there too. So he's just going to get fucking Jojo. Fuck, Jojo can't even do it. Can't she? Oh, I'm trying so hard not to lose my shit right now because I just had an amazing image come into my head. Well, you gotta say it. Can you imagine fucking giant ass Brock Lesnar coming out with his music?
00:20:20
Speaker
coming out with Haman and then when he does that little roar like flex thing that he does after doing a little, you know, skip to Maloo. The fucking tube men pop up.
00:20:33
Speaker
Instead of fucking Pyro. You're actually making me think that there were some real missed opportunities for the mix-match challenge. If next year we don't get the team of Bailey and Brock Lesnar, then what the fuck was any of this for? The hugger incarnate. And they're like, well, you know, the charity is going to get $20,000, but Brock Lesnar got a $500,000 for each appearance.
00:21:04
Speaker
for a crowd of 3,000 people on Facebook Watch. Yeah, because everyone left and they didn't want to have to sit through 205 Live to get to it. But yeah, if I, oh man, you know what, now I might actually get the next WWE video game just so I can give Brock Lesnar Bayley's entrance, because it is within the realm of possibility to see that.
Jerry Lawler's Restaurant Experience
00:21:24
Speaker
Actually, let's put out a request for that right now. If we have any of our
00:21:28
Speaker
What's on the menu man? Like it is diner food. Did you get a burger? I didn't. I got Jerry Lawler's favorite tendies.
00:21:39
Speaker
And I feel like I need to give a shout out to my buddies in the Tender Friends podcast. Old pal of mine has a podcast called Tender Friends. They go and review chicken tenders from various restaurants. God damn it. So shout out to you, Eric. I ate some tendies for you. And they were Jerry's favorite tendies. How were the tendies? The least questionable thing of the entire evening.
00:22:03
Speaker
They put some kind of Cajun rub on them that was fine. Like the Bullet Club, these tendies were fine. And in the same capacity that the Bullet Club is fine, is the same capacity that these tenders were fine. They weren't really fine? They're whatever. Yeah, but they're not really fine. They're not fine. They're not fine. But they should sell t-shirts there. They're like, Jerry's favorite tendies are fine. They're okay.
00:22:32
Speaker
Okay, so... Okay, but Leah, Leah orders the battle royal nachos. She orders them with pork. They say we don't have that. She says okay. So when they bring us, I guess I should say the couple next to us, very few people in this restaurant, they sat us right next to another couple. Like, we're very, very close. And I saw these people get their food.
00:22:54
Speaker
And when I saw this man's burger sit down in front of him, it took everything I had not to just start crying, laughing. I have never seen a burger more burnt in my entire life than what they brought him. And they had the bun off so you could see it. It wasn't like they even tried to hide that they fucked this thing up.
00:23:14
Speaker
Like, it was, like, hard? Oh, it was charred. It was charred. And the guy goes, hey, where's the sauce? And she goes, what sauce? There's no sauce. And he goes, it says right here on the menu Jerry's special sauce. And she's like, oh, that's not a thing. It's like, he's like, well, it's written right here. And he just looked sad. And after about three bites, I watched him cover his burger with a napkin.
00:23:42
Speaker
Wow. As if this has died, it is sad to look at, it is making me feel bad feelings. How do you go to a diner restaurant and they fuck up a burger? Visibly, this burger is just charred to hell. Shortly after they get theirs, we get our food.
00:24:08
Speaker
And I have to- I have to say this. This is a quote from the man who put the food on our table. Okay? Our food's really good. Everything's fresh. Or everything's made fresh. He said everything is made fresh. Sat this down in front of me.
00:24:27
Speaker
I have eyeballs. I'm not Gordon Ramsay, but I do have eyes and can just look at something. And, you know, like, OK, Leah got the battle royal nachos. This was definitely just, you know, machine cheese, the kind you'd get at a gas station or a movie. Cheese. Oh, yeah, it was pump cheese. And then on top of that, covered in barbecue sauce and cold chicken.
00:24:53
Speaker
like i couldn't even be mad at the food because it was like the food was daring me to get mad at it like how could you be mad at something so shitty what were the prices like on this stuff like how much how much for how much for the tindies i think i paid about 10.99
00:25:09
Speaker
Or wait, maybe the nachos were like 10 and the tendies were like seven or eight bucks. I did take a picture of the menu, maybe I'll put that on the Instagram for you guys. So you can really check this out. But I- Are we gonna upset Jerry Lawler by talking shit about his restaurant?
00:25:27
Speaker
Like I said, I will talk positively all day about wrestling, but nothing makes me more angry than when somebody thinks opening a restaurant is going to be easy and then serves me dog shit. And you drove three hours to get to this restaurant. I couldn't even be mad at it. Oh my God, I forgot to mention this. Well, we ordered beers at the beginning. Those never came. I never saw those.
00:25:51
Speaker
But we charged for them? No, but we did get a couple waters the water undrinkable What it tasted like soap like I'm not even convinced. It was water. I took like two sips I had to go somewhere else to get water after that was over huh
00:26:10
Speaker
Did you get worked? I feel like I did. And there was a sign out front that said, hey, coming on this date, Mick Foley's here to get inducted into the Hall of Fame. He's getting inducted into that Jerry Lawler Hall of Fame. And I was like, there's no way Mick Foley knows what the inside of this place looks like. And he's showing up for it. And he's going to show up and get inducted into this restaurant. Like.
00:26:35
Speaker
And I used restaurant lightly based on the food. Oh, I did ask the people that were sitting next to us. I was looking at Liam like, I have to talk to them. I have to know what got them here. And I was like, excuse me before you leave. How was your food? And they're like, oh my God, it was terrible.
00:26:54
Speaker
And then he went in and explained all of his burger stuff and like, well, what brought you in? Are you wrestling fans? Is that what got you through the door? And they're like, Oh no, I, we don't watch wrestling at all. I was like, well, what got you in here? Like we tried to go to BB Kings next door, but it was an hour wait. That's even sadder. I bet. I bet you the burger at BB Kings is pretty good. I trust BB King with my burger.
00:27:20
Speaker
He looked like a man who could- Actually, you know what? The king looked like he should have been able to make me a good burger.
00:27:26
Speaker
I don't know. I mean, who do you reach out to about something like that? I mean, would you say something? Would you say something about this story? Would you tell this story to Jerry the King Lawler to his face? I mean, I know you would because that's the kind of person you are. You're brave like that. You're willing to take on Brock Lesnar. There's no way you wouldn't be willing to tell Jerry the King Lawler that he runs a shit restaurant.
00:27:52
Speaker
Tell him that he overcharged for the tendies. Hey, man, the tendies were fine. I'm not, but shout out to Metal Dave. Yeah, thank you, Metal Dave.
Deathmatch Wrestling: Chaos and Atmosphere
00:28:06
Speaker
So you and I will be sitting front row with Metal Dave and his friends at Game Changer Wrestling, which is a deathmatch league or federation.
00:28:17
Speaker
Am I going to get blood on me? I don't think you're not going to get blood on you. I can't guarantee you that you're not going to get glass in your eyes. I can't. Let me ask this question because this is important. Our listeners care about this kind of information. Is this show very indie? Joey Janela is actually a pretty... He's starting to come up pretty big in the indie world. He has a... Last year he had a show, Mania Weekend, called Joey Janela's Spring Break that got a lot of buzz.
00:28:45
Speaker
This year he's doing Joey Janela's Spring Break 2. I will be at that. It's at midnight. I think that, I think we're going to see some really cool stuff out of him. I don't know anything about any other guy on this card. So you're saying it's very endy. It could be very endy. Am I going to lose a beer over this? You might lose a beard over this. I don't, we're in the front row and I'm assuming that's going to be a lot of sharp objects. I'm in a beer.
00:29:12
Speaker
I knew what you meant because you were referencing Uncle Biff stealing my beard. That's what I was worried about. I was afraid of Uncle Biff just based on his size and cleanliness. I'm more afraid of this because everybody's gonna have weapons. Hey, is this one of those shows where we're allowed to bring a weapon? We'll see when it gets taken away at the door or not.
00:29:41
Speaker
I will say at this point, everything that happened to us last night, I will take responsibility for. This is my fault. And we reminded you throughout the show. Oh, it was relentlessly so. I always loved CZW's Tournament of Death, Necrobutcher, and Cycnik Mondo were always like favorites of mine to watch.
00:30:01
Speaker
I expected part of what we were going to say. I didn't expect this. This was this was a little beyond what I was anticipating. I will say this because you did bring up a name you brought up Necro butcher. Every week I tell people rate review, subscribe, rate, review, subscribe, rate, review, subscribe, write that review. We want those five star reviews. Well, somebody gave it a listen and thought
00:30:23
Speaker
This deserves a one-star review because I'm a huge Necro Butcher fan and you didn't say kind things about him. So Mr. One Star, eat my dick. Metal Dave loves him and he's here. Hey, we love Necro Butcher now and you're not even listening. I thought you were gonna flat-out accuse Dave was the guy who gave us a one-star review. That was not me, it was not me. That would have been a total heel move to do.
00:30:45
Speaker
Although I was wearing the choose death shirt yesterday. So was it? Oh, you piece of shit. Like the review was left from a necro butchers left nut. That was the title of the person who left that sounds like Dave. And he just said you disrespected Papa necro one star. I've never I'm not even mad about that. I you know, if you if we disrespect your favorite wrestler and your favorite wrestler, we should probably own that. Yeah, just, you know, hey,
00:31:11
Speaker
different ice cream, man, different flavors and that flavor fucking blood. I feel like that's going to be a theme today, which is that there's different styles of wrestling for everybody. Last night was a lot of shit. That's not my cup of tea. I thought we were there, Dave, because that was your cup of tea. And then I find out like 15 seconds before the show starts that you've never been to one of those before.
00:31:33
Speaker
I've actually never truly been to a deathmatch show. I was really excited a couple of years ago into a time dreamers house of hardcore. I thought we were getting some of that. Pretty much everything I've seen has been online. You know, it's Midwest. It's like New Jersey has that market cornered. So that was a new experience for everybody.
00:31:50
Speaker
So when my chemical romance, you know, a few years back, we're selling those New Jersey murder scene shirts, it makes more sense now, you know? Knowing what we know now and speaking to the people from New Jersey there, yes, it's just a bloodbath and thumbtacks everywhere in New Jersey. I've never been there, prove me wrong.
00:32:12
Speaker
holy shit next year mania's in new jersey so that means GCW is gonna have like a balls out like hometown show and you know for the finale we're bringing GG Allen back from the dead to shit in your mouth and slit your throat that's what last night felt like
00:32:32
Speaker
then I realized oh wait this is what I'm being exposed to and the guy who's taking me didn't know that it was going to be this bad. Oh it was like whatever I had in my head that this was gonna be like what's funny is when we were going I think the worst thing I thought was man I'm just not a big fan of unprotected headshots with a chair.
00:32:54
Speaker
How naive. How fucking dumb was I, Dave? Two hours in, you're begging for unprotected adjust. I was like, should I get hit in the head? A concussion is fine. When I was 13, I saw that all the time during the Attitude Era. What now? Oh, I'll tell you what now. A tweet goes out from GCW saying,
00:33:18
Speaker
just so you know GPS is taking everybody to the wrong place put in the name of this fucking store whatever the what was the store it was Foreman Mills it's like a discount retail outlet do the best way to put it for indeed it's important also know to this point it is right next door to the five star flea market
00:33:39
Speaker
Jesus Christ. Okay. So they put up a picture of this Foreman Mills, which is just, you know, like an outlet clothing store, but they're like, don't go in there. Drive around back. And then it showed like a picture of a, like a doorway that was kind of in an alleyway between two buildings. It's where you would expect people who are working somewhere to go outside for a smoke break.
00:34:02
Speaker
It's where you buy weed. It's where it's like, I'll meet you behind the Foreman mills, you got the stuff, and the guy actually is bringing you meth. And which is not too far off from what actually happened. I bought meth last night. So we pull up, we're like, where the fuck are we? As we're driving by, we see a sign that was made with a Sharpie that's like, wrestling this way.
00:34:25
Speaker
And then as I start to see people who look more like Gigi Allen, you know, then we're there. We've arrived. And already, I have a lot of anxiety about cutting a line. Dave and his friends were already in line, and this was a line I wasn't comfortable cutting.
00:34:43
Speaker
Not what I can say as far as like people as far as line even when we're in there somebody's already smoking inside Nobody's stopping him. Love that. Love that. Like when I see cigarettes being smoked indoors I'm like, this is that's what kind of party we're about to go in
00:34:57
Speaker
So many people are wearing the murder death kill shirts We had to point out as far as because our friend Greg who was there had never heard of a wrestler named Schlack had heard of that It's like what the fuck is a schlack? It's like it's that horrible looking person on the and the picture of the shirt of the woman behind you and he just immediately went inside so we're in there and by the time called then the uh The party bus shows up motherfuck, okay
00:35:25
Speaker
Gotta go ahead and say, like, when you're going into a murder show, that's what I'm gonna call this. This was just fucking murder, what I watch these guys do to each other. This is a dry show. No alcohol is sold here. That means these crazy motherfuckers that are going to watch these guys cut each other's bodies up are doing it sober.
00:35:48
Speaker
That was kind of a, well, we did, part of our crew did sneak in a couple beers there while we were in line to get a little bit of a buzz, which I'm sure helped. Your buddy Greg needed it. Oh, Greg was not having it. He was not having it. There were several times in line, he just grabbed me, he's like, please take me on the bus. I don't want to go by myself. I, okay, I will have to say your buddy Greg made the night for me. He was fucking hilarious, man. He may have been the star of that crew.
00:36:17
Speaker
Yeah, like if this were a buddy comedy he is the guy that is the reasonable one.
00:36:26
Speaker
Um, but I just remember when you said that guy's name was Schlack. He's just like, fucking Schlack! Fucking Schlack! What does that say about what kind of a show this is? When a character kind of named called Schlack, man. Dave, Greg is your friend. Why don't you tell us what happened to Greg when he went on the party bus to get a beer? This is an important story. So the first time Greg is desperately needing beer, we want to hold our place in lines like, okay, you have to go by yourself. So he'd...
00:36:54
Speaker
tail between his legs like a whoop puppy walks off to this horrible looking bus gets on there he comes back within five minutes he's clutching a beer with both hands it's like they're they talked to me distraught like he he looked like he just talked to strangers like his parents told him not to and he did he needed to run away from these people and call an adult
00:37:17
Speaker
So he informs us of a man there who is regaling him unwarranted with the story. He's from Denver.
00:37:27
Speaker
His wife thinks he's still in Denver, and he's here at this show in Chicago, because he's hoping that this will result in him getting a divorce. He's actively seeking a divorce by lying to his wife, going from Denver to Chicago to go watch some death match wrestling in the back of a form in Mills in Villa Park, Illinois.
00:37:49
Speaker
And he's wearing a Hawaiian shirt, too. This is an important detail. When you guys described this man to me, I was picturing an older man just down on his luck, probably a pockmark face, heavy bags under the eyes. This guy looked like he was having the fucking time of his life. Divorce was a party, and he was celebrating with murder.
00:38:18
Speaker
Two ten-year-olds in front of us in this fucking murder line while people are smoking cigs. And were there any objections to this? Uh, I mean, from me, like, but I'm not a parent, so who the fuck am I to say? I'm saying from the promoter.
00:38:30
Speaker
Oh, the promoter didn't even check my tickets. I didn't get Pat down. Okay. Wave people right in. Everyone had knives, probably. Bad scene. When you go to a PWG show in California, you basically get fucking cavity searched. They have a guy who, they ended up getting rid of this dude who did the Pat downs there because he was basically, like he wasn't just grabbing your dick. He was inside of it. Like he goes inside of the foreskin a little bit and runs around just to make sure you're not hiding some cocaine residue in there.
00:38:57
Speaker
This this this show is like bring a weapon you need a knife to be here I got the feeling that you could have walked up there with your phone on the wrong screen and You could have said I'm just having issues opening the app But I'm and he would have waved you in I could have showed him some fucking Taylor Swift tickets and I would have been inside the place The more the merrier but we got front row because we're goddamn crazy and I
00:39:25
Speaker
I'm happy we did it. I'm happy we did it. When we sat down and saw only two sides of a four-sided ring, obviously, have barricades, we did not receive that luxury. And honestly, I don't know that it was truly a luxury. It seemed like it was more of a nightmare. That barricade was solely there for people to do spots upon and to move into your lap.
00:39:48
Speaker
Oh, yeah, that was a violence barrier. It would have been a liability because we would have had to not only worry about all the glass and all the various shit being thrown around the room, but we would have had to worry about the barrier getting kicked into our knees. I don't want to get shined. So, I mean, how would you describe this room like the whole night? I feel like I asked you like seven or eight times, where the fuck are we?
00:40:13
Speaker
From what I've been told about this room, so let's just start in describing the room for you. It is a very dark, tile-floored banquet hall.
00:40:23
Speaker
On the ceiling there was one fluorescent light tube fixture. It looked like there was film all over everything. That might also be the show that we were at and the mindset we were in. The room was actually well lit. My brain just made me feel like I was living in a fucking Tim Burton movie. When I look back on it now, it's a murder basement in a fucking John Carpenter film. That's where we were.
00:40:48
Speaker
i was just a huge germaphobe fucking mortified the fact that i didn't cry after that is uh like i had just seen too much at that point like what was a little blood on me yeah i remember like this was at the end of the night when you were trying to make your your way back to our seats after they had been unceremoniously moved to create a weapon
00:41:09
Speaker
And I saw you walking back over there like, yeah, I'm gonna get back in my seat. And you put a hand down on your fucking chair and I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? You pull your hand back up and it's just covered in fucking blood. And I just, what were you thinking? Even more horrifying, blood of undetermined origin. There's no way to know who that came from.
00:41:30
Speaker
It either came from a guy who had been in prison for seven years for bank robbery, or a dude who worships Satan. Both of which, these are not wrestling stories, my friend. You don't know that it wasn't both. A nice cocktail of everything. Well, I mean, they were getting each other's blood. Like, they're probably tested, right? I would hope so. They say they are.
00:41:55
Speaker
So I think this is important. I alluded earlier to the fact that we were blaming you, Dave, throughout the show. Anytime something really extreme happened, fuck you, Dave. Both of us would just scream, God damn it, Dave. Fuck you. Why the fuck are we here? I wish I had. I wish we had a mic rolling on Greg.
00:42:13
Speaker
like I'm trying to think if I had the best of Greg just to play in the middle of this like I would listen to that before bed every night just so I have sweet dreams like him just being like what no fuck you Dave fuck you and he's at the end of the road so I'm just like anytime he's like now this whatever who gives a shit yeah
00:42:32
Speaker
Is this what you wanted, Dave? Did you get what you want? Is this what you needed? Well, there you go. He's like, I fucking hate you, Dave. OK, where is Greg's level of, like, what does Greg enjoy outside of pro wrestling? Like, is this like way out of his wheelhouse?
00:42:47
Speaker
This is very much out of Greg's Billhouse. He likes pro wrestling. He likes cooking because he was a classically trained chef. He's very much- Well, he's familiar with knives. He's familiar with knives. He's seen some things. He's cut his finger in the kitchen. He likes video games, but of like the Zelda variety. He's very much about the whimsical storytelling. Does Greg play Grand Theft Auto? He did. He didn't much care for it. Okay.
00:43:18
Speaker
It's actually like wrestling that happened was probably like your first exchange of moves and tests of strength. And then so many picked up tubes and we're off to the fucking races. Yeah, it's, it is not a new Japan build to a big spot. It is a, it is, you're right. It actually, maybe it is, maybe it is. It's, you know, they start with a couple of grabs. They wrestle around a little bit, do a couple of rolls. Then somebody sees a sharp object and stabs the other guy in the head.
00:43:45
Speaker
Because the light tubes, when they're hitting each other, you're not seeing a lot of cuts from the actual explosion of the light tube. That's coming from when they pick up the shattered remains of the light tube and hold it above their head and pound on the top like they're nailing it into their fucking forehead.
00:44:02
Speaker
I'll just take a moment just think about that. Everybody like really looked like they were reflecting on what they saw last night and like, yeah, I did see a man nail glass into another man 20 times, 30 times, 50 times. And again, we just let it happen. No one, no one spoke up. In fact, we cheered. We cheered when it happened.
00:44:22
Speaker
I only cheered because I didn't want them to think that like I... I did the same thing. Okay, I am genuinely afraid of Nick Gage, which means he is either a wonderful actor or just the most authentic scary man I've ever seen.
00:44:42
Speaker
fucking age because he was standing in front of me and you know what I'm with him I'm not going against him on this the exits too far away I have nowhere to go there's a wall behind me at one point during this fucking show this is an important story okay there was a they had uh I'm trying to remember like it's it was the Joey Janela match I think okay they had taped light tubes to the ring ropes
00:45:05
Speaker
And as the match started, I was actually filming the beginning of the match much against the like the warnings at the beginning of the show not to record with your phone and get distracted. Once again, we went to this so you don't have to. Yeah, we're trying to give you the front row experience without all the glass in your mouth. So take that, Meltzer.
00:45:23
Speaker
That's what I did. I leaned over and was like, we're going to the places Uncle Dave won't. And Uncle Dave's like, that's fine. So from my perspective, there's this point in the show where right like, you know, four or five feet in front of us, there's just, you know, there's light tubes being destroyed, like every three seconds, boom, boom, boom. And then somebody grabs a pile of them and they're right next to us.
00:45:45
Speaker
on the ring apron and it looks like they're about to do a spot where something happens and they're going to spill out right into our laps. Not only the bodies of the wrestlers, but the fucking light. Right. And this is just a nightmare scenario. Garrett sitting to my left, as soon as it looks like that's about to happen, he stands up and makes a movement like he's about to run. My legs were in the running position.
00:46:08
Speaker
I reached out with both hands, grabbed his hips, and pulled him back because I wasn't going to be the only one who got hurt. I don't know why your reaction wasn't follow me. Like, why was your reaction, we're sitting here, man, we're taking it. We bought the ticket, we take the ride. Right. Oh, like, the second that, uh,
00:46:36
Speaker
the corn man let us know that it's certain. That's the only way I can describe him. Overzealous sweeper, perhaps. Once he let us know that we were going to be hit with glass, like this is the path I chose. So we're going to sit right here and just let it happen. But yeah, during that Joey Janela match, when it's it's raining ballasts and glass upon us, there were some questions about the choices that I've made in my life that have led me to this point.
00:47:05
Speaker
That match was for sure the worst match. No, I don't mean like worst quality wise. I mean, worst for us. It felt like we were getting hammered on that side. Because these two just had basically two piles of light tubes next to each of them. It was George and Ellen's Cyclope. Yeah. Oh, man. And they were in a constant state of swinging those and just exploding in every direction. And I think like you described it best. It felt like you were walking outside while it was hailing. Yeah.
00:47:31
Speaker
I remember turning my face away from the action for a good 20 seconds and just oh By the end of that match it looked like your fucking ears
Ron Funches on Wrestling and Comedy
00:47:41
Speaker
had been doing cocaine I'm gonna be dumber for all the mercury that seeped into my brain through my ears I'm gonna be dumber from a series of bad life choices, but this is just another one on the pile man
00:48:01
Speaker
Don't even have to worry about it now. We got Miz and Mrs. I was going to say, you got Miz and Mrs. now. I like that, too, because it's like a half hour long. It's much easier to pull it out of it. Oh, shit. All right, well, we might have to let you go here for a second. Yeah, I think we're OK with that. All right, it was nice talking to you guys. This is actually something we've had going on for a while with this man. All right. This is scary. Thank you for sitting in with us, guys. How about that? This is really cool. I'm trying to get some respect. There's so much island guy here.
00:48:31
Speaker
That's awesome. So I'm sitting down here with what's the name of this shitty podcast? Oh, this is a pre-determined to pro wrestling hangout. Oh, great. What an original name. Right? Super long. I'm sure that really helps with Brandon. Yeah. Smart move. I know. Smart move, guys. If you can't tell, I'm being really sarcastic.
00:48:49
Speaker
Oh, we can tell. Yeah. Oh, OK. I just wanted to make sure. I'm great. Because I know most people that live in this general area, honestly, most wrestling fans in general, shit just right over their head. Where would you prefer to perform? Where would I prefer to perform? Yeah, where would you rather be than here right now? Here's the reason why I'm so upset. Chicago is literally the raging dumpster fire of America. And quite frankly, anybody who is born and raised here is the equivalent of dog shit.
00:49:17
Speaker
human dog shit. You and I actually are finally agreeing on something. Oh, cool. But can I tell you something that we might not agree on? Yeah, go ahead. The fact that if I were you, I'd probably invest in some acne medication. That boil on your nose is bigger than the one from that, what was the name of that movie with that big ass witch? It's huge. She had a huge nose, handed some chick an apple. I don't know. I don't watch Disney, guys. But that is what this dude looks like. He looks like a witch that just wants to hand you a big old red apple.
00:49:47
Speaker
Beautiful, beautiful blue eyes, though. Thank you. I'm just fucking with you. You look like a complete asshole. So fire away some questions. Let's go. I'm bored. I've made an insane amount of money today. So I might as well have some fun. Have you got people paying you for the opportunity just to stand next to you? I've had some people. One guy paid me $50 to insult him for a minute straight. And it was quite possibly the most fun I think I've ever had.
00:50:14
Speaker
since I was in the hotel room with those three chicks last night that I met at AAW. Oh. So it's not all bad here is what you're saying? No, no, no. Yeah, walk that one back. Yeah. Well, to be fair, none of the girls were from Chicago because I have taste. Oh, okay. But I met them at the AAW show. Did you bring them in from Milwaukee or something? No, three Canadian chicks.
00:50:37
Speaker
So, in other words, you feel better when you leave the country. Oh, absolutely. I feel like I might be the only person from the US of A that is actually not awful at just everything in life in general. Do you guys have any wrestling questions for me? I mean, there's pretty much every single podcast in this row is salivating out the mouth right now, and they're wondering,
00:50:57
Speaker
How the hell did I land on pre-determined a pro wrestling hangout? And they want me so bad. So here's your chance, guys. Prove your worth. Show why I should be sitting here in the first place. Let's go. Well, that is impossible. OK. Because I feel like anything I say, you're going to be able to turn around. No, no. I think you're pretty good at this. Who, me? No. You're better than me. I know. OK. OK. I'm going to go ahead and just submit. You're right. In a bushy club shirt.
00:51:26
Speaker
Cool, man. You know what else is cool? Not having a double chin. But let's just get some wrestling questions. So we were actually sponsoring one of your matches in Southern Underground Pro in Nashville. Is that right? Yeah. OK. We invested in you. OK. I was in a triple threat match there that some have claimed to be one of the best professional wrestling matches they've ever seen live. Who said this? Me.
00:51:50
Speaker
You were there. You had a front-row ticket. Oh, absolutely. I had the best seat in the house. Right. I was beating the shit out of people through my eyeballs. That's the place to be if you're a wrestling fan. Through my eyeballs.
00:52:01
Speaker
And it was actually an iPoke Mania match. Oh, absolutely. It was me, Mance Warner, and Ethan Page. Ethan Page, unfortunately, he was there too. But yeah, it was a really phenomenal match. The last time I was there, I believe I kicked the promoter in the nuts. That is true. Yeah, yeah. That was fun. It's the only way I can describe that. Super fun. I did wear your scarf that night. It was you. It was me. It was you. We've got some history with you.
00:52:29
Speaker
Well, MJF has just left this interview. He did not appreciate the scarf wearing. Thank you for your time today. Have a great rest of your day, MJF. And just again, we're talking about everybody that happens to walk by. I've watched Ron Funches do stand-up comedy so many times. Ron Funches is right in front of us right now. What are you sipping on, Ron?
00:52:54
Speaker
Sparkling water. Oh yeah, you were sipping on that the other night on stage. Well, our goal for this is to help LeBron James have sex with your mother. I promise you, that is a thing that our podcast is now going to push for online. I'm going to try to get you The Rock and LeBron James. You think so? She's ready for one of them, but not like a three-way.
00:53:22
Speaker
Just LeBron one on one. If you want to, you can hop on this mic for a minute. If you want to jump up here for a little bit, that'd be great, Ron. All right, we are being joined by comedian extraordinaire Ron Funches and my former coworker. I was a tour guide at Warner Brothers. Yeah, you and I chat several times.
00:53:43
Speaker
I thought to anybody who makes me feel famous there makes me happy. I believe what you ended up saying is I pass it over on your right Ron Funches and you're like hey everybody you don't know who I am.
00:53:57
Speaker
Hey, everybody, this show is getting canceled. I feel like this is the first wrestling experience we've shared outside of PWG. Yes. This is beautiful to travel together, get to know each other, the beautiful relationship. Yeah. You know, we went on separate vacations, met up here. Here we are.
00:54:17
Speaker
Who have you marked out the hardest over this weekend? You're still a mark at heart, right? I mean, just walking in and doing the roast and doing the pre-roast stuff and having people just walk in and talk about jokes and stuff and have Gerald Bristol come by and try to put me in some type of maneuver. And then everybody's very drunk, which I like.
00:54:43
Speaker
Darryl Briska was very drunk. Could you imagine as a child that when you grew up, you would get to talk about Tony Shabani's dick at a wrestling convention? I was already doing it at home. So it's just good to do it now for money. So you were watching Nitro and talking about Tony Shabani's dick. I was just like, I bet he got a little dick from the way that he announced his match. And you were right. And you were right.
00:55:09
Speaker
Which company won that won that war? WWE. Yeah.
00:55:16
Speaker
How's this tournament going? It looks like it's still getting set up. I was going to ask, so since it's all in tonight, what are you most excited for? Matches, what do you think you're going to mark out the most for? I mean, of course Pentagon, Omega, of course. But the sleeper match for me, is it going to be that Chicago street fight? Hangman, Paige, Joey Janela, because those dudes are fucking insane. Yeah, that looks like a good match. It's already set up. And I curse. I didn't ask. Oh, no, you could curse. It's not my podcast, but I think you curse.
00:55:45
Speaker
Nice. Yeah, they're both crazy dudes. Joey is just nuts. He's just walking around wearing fucking leopard print Zuba smoking a cigarette inside building. Yeah, nothing. He's crazy. Yeah. He thinks it's the fucking eighties. He's dressed like the eighties. So I think we're going to witness a possession tonight. I think hey, man, Paige is going to kill him.
00:56:09
Speaker
My prediction for that match is that Joey Ryan's ghost is gonna create a scene similar to the one in Beetlejuice when everyone becomes possessed at ringside and there's gonna be Deo playing and poltergeist activity during the middle of the match. I love that. That's like Beetlejuice. I love it. That's my favorite scene in Beetlejuice. So you and I have two big things in common. Weed enthusiasts. Yes. Wrestling enthusiasts. I love both those things. Enthusiasm for both responses. Yes.
00:56:36
Speaker
And I need to know, what is your favorite thing to watch stone wrestling wise? It goes both ways. Either you know I'm very happy or I might be slightly depressed if I'm just stone watching thunders.
00:56:54
Speaker
trying to look for mistakes. That's what's fun for me. That's what I fall asleep to. My girlfriend falls asleep to the office, and I fall asleep to late 90s thunders. Yeah. Actually, the first show I ever attended was a WCW thunder in the Russo years. That's horrible. Do you remember the New Blood Angles? It's crazy that you're still a fan.
00:57:16
Speaker
Well, I got to see Terry Funk wrestle twice in one night. He defended the hardcore title twice. Yeah, that's beautiful. That's beautiful. But my personal favorite thing when I'm stoned is JBL commentary. Nothing makes me happier than when anything happens and it's always, why would he do that? Yeah, he does. He seems insane. Yeah. In a bully.
00:57:44
Speaker
So I guess he's not going to be a star ever. No, no. Is that an interesting campaign to run if you're a pro wrestling organization? Like so many of the angles involve bullying. Being a bully. Yeah. Like don't be a bully unless you know there's a title on the line.
00:58:02
Speaker
Then it's okay. Yeah. Then you gotta win by any means necessary. Yeah. Yeah. Alexa Bliss got away with that. But you know, there's some that are just bullies when there's not a lot of them. Like Joey Janela seems like he's just here to fuck shit up. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, Joey Janela is like the Joker. He's just insane. He just wants to watch the world burn. And that's it. He's a bad, bad boy. He is a bad, bad boy. And he has a beautiful lady. What does it say about somebody when they're willing to take a drag off their cigarette and then blow smoke in the face of an anthropomorphic bear?
00:58:32
Speaker
They probably didn't have a good childhood. Yeah, I would have a lot of questions for Janela about his childhood. Are you joining the video? I like how Sammy looks more intense about this than most matches. It's his birthday. Happy birthday, Sammy. So are you partaking in this? Yeah, I'm in it. It looks like a lot though, so I might quit.
00:59:06
Speaker
Did we just ruin your all-in pre-show party? I just thought it was going to be. I guess, is there like 64 competitors? Is that it? That's too many. Everyone discount going back and you get an idea. Can this guy cut the line? If they're still people, if they need somebody, I'll play. If not, I'll back out. He was an adaptable, get hard. He can cut the line. But we're not upset about having Ron Funches up on stage with us. Oh, I'm going to leave pretty soon.
00:59:23
Speaker
I don't want to take you away from the fun.
00:59:35
Speaker
He checked our social media, saw how many followers we had, and he was like, all right, I'm out. Oh, I assumed. I assumed. You're not one of Conrad's podcasts. You're not doing them great. Oh, no, it's sad all the time. Parents very disappointed. The peak accomplishment is swearing in the lobby of a Hyatt Regency. This is beautiful. I'm loving it, having a great time. Everything's practiced. We're all getting better, right? Yeah, yeah. Exactly.
01:00:04
Speaker
I mean, I don't wanna hold you if you need to head out, man. Yeah, I mean, let's wrap it up, but- I just appreciate you coming up, man. Yeah, thank you, thank you. You got a last question before I go? No, you got, okay, I pushed it too far. I pushed it too far. The question I was gonna end with was what you were drinking, but you opened with that and you did well. Yeah, sparkling water. Well, did I just say, is this being recorded or is this just out to the lobby? This is being recorded.
01:00:31
Speaker
So you're going to have to live with this again later when we plug it. Oh, that's fine. But yeah, RonFunches.com, if you want to come see me do comedy, look me up. I'll be in your area. Most likely, I'm getting ready to go on a big tour this fall. My Twitter is at RonFunches. And then I have my own podcast called Getting Better with RonFunches, where we just talk about trying to get better at life. That's it. So check me out. And you have a stand up special coming out pretty soon, right? I do have a stand.
01:00:57
Speaker
You forgot what I forgot. Those are real, better plugs. Yeah, I got my first hour special on Comedy Central. There's a very special, I did a half hour in an album before and I had the rapper Bun B on my album. And I was like, oh, I gotta have an even better special guest for my special. And I did, I can't even tell you who he is. But let me tell you, wrestling fans are gonna be very happy.
01:01:21
Speaker
Oh wow, you finally got the rock. Maybe. I think we owe you LeBron James now just for coming on the podcast. Please get it out there. Hashtag LeBron, fuck Ron's mom.
01:01:36
Speaker
Just get it out there. She really wants it to happen. I want it to happen before she passes, eventually. I hope that's not what causes her to pass. If she goes that way, she will be very happy. She'll be like, bury me with LeBron on top of me.
01:01:55
Speaker
Did she care about the switch from Cleveland to LA? She's happy because that's where we live. She found out LeBron came to the Lakers. She was like, I got to get in the gym. Her odds just went up astronomically. Oh, they did. They did. Do you still have access to the Warner Brothers lot? I do. He has an office there, man. Oh, I know. I just don't tell my mom that.
01:02:18
Speaker
I've seen him walking around the gym. I don't want my mom getting arrested. You and Andy Richter get together, get LeBron. The two of you can charm him, right? Yeah, we're workout buddies.
01:02:29
Speaker
Got my flu shot with Andy on the lot. So nice over in the gym over in the gym. Oh, this is inside baseball Thank you for joining my favorite of the wrestling
01:02:54
Speaker
We're going to loop that over and over and over again. Yeah, play it back. That's a full-fledged Ron Funches endorsement of our podcast. So now you're all obligated to subscribe and follow us on social media. Thank you guys so much. Pleasure. Thank you so much for coming on, man. I appreciate it. Give this man a round of applause. Give him a round of applause. And everyone standing in front of the stage has now left. And now they're stuck with us.
01:03:27
Speaker
Jeffy, hit your goddamn music. Oh, you need to take me to your room. I'm married, but I want to deal with you. Oh, by the time it was through,
01:03:55
Speaker
I got jumped, and I wanna put a submission on you. Well, you have to leave me on. Now I'm full of angry code. I didn't wanna beat you up.
Fan Interaction with Cody Rhodes
01:04:28
Speaker
which you mentioned Glacier's biggest career achievement. Yeah, it was probably the biggest moment of his pro wrestling career is walking Cody to the ring and all in. Also, Pharoah got the biggest pop of the night. I felt so bad for Pharoah being in an arena as a dog. Oh, yeah. With thousands of people screaming and music going loud. Pyro, yeah. I had the whole time they were going to the ring. I was like, poor Pharoah has no idea. Well, you know what? I think the dog's kind of an asshole.
01:04:52
Speaker
You should've let me get my nut.
01:04:59
Speaker
He's got the same resting bitch face as Cody, so. Yeah. That dog comes out, looks like it doesn't want to be there. Cody spent the most important moment of all of our lives up until this point. And that dog couldn't at least. Couldn't care less. Fake a smile. You're cutting a promo on a dog right now.
01:05:16
Speaker
How'd I do? You did all right. I mean, MJF did it to me, so I had to pick on somebody weaker than me. If only. Wow. Somebody's got to build their self-esteem back up by picking on an animal. PETA's going to be pissed. A dog that raised $10,000 over the weekend for other dogs. What did I do? I ate a soft pretzel. Yeah, that's what she...
01:05:44
Speaker
We kissed and made up, so I'm cool with coding. Yeah, that was kind of interesting. Yeah, do you feel like a weight is lifted off your shoulders? What happened? Tell everyone what happened. OK, so after, well, everyone doesn't know what happened after the the pay per view because it cut off.
01:06:05
Speaker
off the stream, but they they were on the in the ring. They did a speech. They were leaving and Cody was really taking his time around and ringside, just taking selfies with people, talking to people, thanking them for coming, signing autographs. And I was near the ramp and I got on top of a chair and he was coming up to the ramp and I was recording so you could see that blog on my channel later. And
01:06:35
Speaker
I just said, oh, hi, I'm the girl that you spit beer on at supercard. And he said, thank you for coming. And I said, it was an honor. It was that.
01:06:46
Speaker
That rubs me the wrong way, and I'll tell you why. Because all of his buddies seemed more concerned about it than he did. That's very true. Well, before he got to me, it looked like he was really going to go one by one thinking everybody ringside. And then a crew member came up to him and whispered something in his ear. So then he kind of rushed it. I think if that crew member didn't tell him to hurry up, I would have actually had some time
01:07:15
Speaker
with him. When I met the Bucks at Starcast, anyone that I tell like Kenny and the young Bucks and even Colt Cabana that he spit on me, they always asked if I was okay with it. And I told them it was an honor. And Matt Jackson actually got a real kick out of that.
01:07:34
Speaker
All of Cody's cohorts were concerned and upset by it, and Cody to this day is still defiantly defending his actions. Still some heelish tendencies. He even has a baby face. He's a true heel. But also, you were looking for an apology on the biggest night of his life.
01:07:53
Speaker
How dare you? How dare you? You selfish asshole. Oh, well. You probably went and told Brandi. Can you believe this shit? Can you believe this? She's looking for an apology. I just made this many people smile. Somebody get me a drink. Look at this. No one complained. No one chanted, see him punk tonight in Chicago. I fucking cheered for him and booed Nick. What more do you want from me? He's like, I could hear you during Kenny's match. Listen, I put Cody over, whatever. Yeah.
01:08:28
Speaker
I'm watching this guy get cheated on and then he gets his ass beat at SummerSlam. Mind you, it's been 13 years. I just, I feel like one day if I get cheated on, I'm gonna realize I'm going to, it gets worse.
01:08:44
Speaker
Yeah, it does get worse than this feeling. The next bad feeling is bleeding all over all over the place. You get a demotion and there's no act. And here's actually the worst part from Matt's perspective at January. Just a few months after this edge becomes WWE champion.
01:09:02
Speaker
That's because he's so cool. Because he fucked a guy's girlfriend. Yeah. Beat him up. He decided that, you know, his his need to come ended up being more important than Jeff or Matt Hardy's need to have a family to come. Well.
01:09:21
Speaker
We can't all word things as eloquently as you. And then I think it ended after he won the WWE Championship. That's the segment where he had the live sex celebration in the middle of the ring with Lita. So Lita's the real winner in all of this, right?
01:09:38
Speaker
I feel yeah now I feel bad she was a great wrestler and then that had to be a thing she had to do yep man pro wrestling wrestling it'll get you it's a motherfucker it's making a cuck out of all not trying to make light of lead of struggles but man that's just a tragic fact that they did it
01:09:57
Speaker
I mean, I love when, when wrestling angles skirt reality, like I love when they, like, like you talk about like CM Punk's pipe bomb. You talk about some of these other segments where like there's a hint of, oh, this is a little bit like real life. Now this is, oh yeah, this really happened. Your punishment is to go act this out on my television show.
01:10:15
Speaker
Just wow. Have you ever gone into work and had to say to your boss, hey, I need to tell you something? Chris in accounting fucked my wife. And then they say, Garrett, you're fired. And then you leave. And then he decides like, well, you know what? I decided it was unfair to fire you, Garrett. You and Chris can fight it out in the parking lot. And whoever wins has a job.
01:10:41
Speaker
And whoever loses has to go, they can keep their job, but they're getting shipped to a different location that's not from here. Garrett, you're getting transferred to Knoxville. My whole life is here. No, Garrett, your whole life was here. Chris took just your family. You're really downplaying something that's sad that happened to a human being who just retired not that long ago. You mean I am? Yes, you're making a joke out of it.
01:11:09
Speaker
I am making a joke out of it because goddamn Vince McMahon made a joke out of it. Vince McMahon made a brilliant storyline out of it. You are making a joke out of it. This is not comedy wrestling, Garrett. This is a professional wrestling angle. I'm trying to make Matt laugh so he doesn't cry.
01:11:29
Speaker
I'm sure Matt. Matt has a family. And guess what else he has coming out? A motherfucking reality show on WWE Network. It's true. It's damn true. What is it gonna be like the Woken? Is he Woken or broken? What happened?
Storytelling in Wrestling: Real Life and Narrative Blend
01:11:45
Speaker
Did they ever figure out what he was in WWE? He's Woken.
01:11:49
Speaker
Is he? I've heard them use broken. They don't know. They don't know. Hey, I need to, okay, before we go into anything else with this, I don't want to get too far away from SummerSlam 2005 because, Pilar, I need to thank you for this. I enjoyed, don't get me wrong, I absolutely enjoyed looking through, you know, this love triangle and, you know, getting to feel some real emotions, some real life emotions.
01:12:17
Speaker
But nothing brought me more real life emotions than what happened after this. Because I thought to myself, if this happened, what the fuck are they following this with? Like, what has to be the thing that followed a real life affair?
01:12:34
Speaker
We bring you WWE in the year 2005. Good Lord, Pilar. Do you know what came next? Do you know? I just happened to leave it running just to see what the next match was. And when I saw the promo for what I was about to witness, there was not a chance in hell I was turning it off. Dominic, I'm your puppy. You're gonna learn to love me.
01:12:58
Speaker
Holy shit. So the match that came on SummerSlam 2005 following this was Eddie Guerrero versus Ray Mysterio fighting for the custody of a small boy named Dominic. That's Ray's son.
01:13:17
Speaker
Dude, how had no- I feel like I missed out on a whole bunch of shit. I've been telling you this for years. Why didn't you specify this is what I was missing out on? There's a lot of shit!
01:13:33
Speaker
Dude, is there going through this thing? I get to hear sentences like this. Also, give Michael Cole a fucking raise. We need to lay off this man, because he had to say this sentence in full sincerity, and he deserves a goddamn Emmy for it. He had to say, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in WWE history, we have a ladder match to determine the custody of a child.
Entertainment and Marketing in WWE Broadcast
01:13:59
Speaker
And the courts were so proud on that day.
01:14:02
Speaker
Oh, and before this happens, they're like, be sure to pick up the new album, Remedy, by Seether. So they made sure to get a Seether plug in there. So the thing that happened that I wasn't mentally prepared for was my whole family finding out what furries are all at the same time. Oh my God.
01:14:28
Speaker
What a delight! Yeah, they watched some Christmas movie that involved furries. Oh my god, I know which one it is. I just watched this a couple weeks ago. I haven't seen this, but it did open a lot of questions for people that I had the answers to, but I don't know if they were comfortable that I had the answers to the furry questions.
01:14:51
Speaker
Nor was this the setting you were expecting to explain what furries were. I mean, it's it's Christmas time. The family's around and you have to explain why Ron Perlman is involved in their understanding of what a furry is. You see, oh, my God, is that how they I haven't seen the fucking movie. Is that how they found out? Ron Perlman is a furry in this movie. I think you said one of the Potter'sville.
01:15:15
Speaker
oh my god for the synopsis synopsis of this christmas movie which is it's an off-the-wall christmas movie i would recommend it if you haven't seen it i believe it's on netflix but the idea is that an entire small town gets captivated by the idea that bigfoot is in their town and it's actually the local store owner who's going to like a midlife crisis and is having issues with his wife
01:15:40
Speaker
He gets mistaken for Bigfoot. The town gets caught up in it. Ron Perlman's in the movie. What's the guy's name who plays... Ian McShane, Christina Hendricks, Judy Greer. This thing has an all-star cast and apparently some furries. Furries. For those of you who don't know, Garrett, tell them what a furry is. Well, I feel like the easiest way to say it is it's somebody who would, you know, maybe want to fuck in a Mickey Mouse costume.
01:16:09
Speaker
Do they get frustrated that that's how they always get labeled as, is that they want to fuck? Because it doesn't necessarily involve that. They can just hang out. They can dance. I hear they like to do a lot of dancing and socializing. So you're telling me that a few furries that cut dickholes in their costumes made a bad name for the rest of the weirdos that just want to hang out in these costumes?
01:16:35
Speaker
I think that's the way that some of them feel about it. I don't know if we have any listeners. We might have some listeners that are furries. Think about that. However,
Listener Loss: Furries and Harry Potter Fans
01:16:45
Speaker
we probably have some listeners out there who are magicians or fans of Harry Potter, and we've rightfully pissed them off in the last couple episodes. That would explain why the listenership has just drastically dropped. We had a lot of Potter heads. They're gone. There goes the furry demographic.
01:17:06
Speaker
But going back
Classic Wrestling Matches: Magnum TA vs Tully Blanchard
01:17:07
Speaker
to the Magnum TA, Tully Blanchard match, this thing was pretty fucking incredible. I don't know if I've watched another wrestling match that felt this much like a bar fight. You described it perfectly to me when you said that it was short and sweet. It gets right to the point, gets everything accomplished in a nice, neat amount of time, and yet is still very, very brutal. It's two jacked dudes from the 80s
01:17:36
Speaker
just punching each other in the face. And one of the things that I really, really appreciated about this match, you guys gotta go watch this because it actually puts some of the I quit matches from the last 10, 15, 20 years to shame. They need to go back to this style. First of all, the microphone isn't like a pretty WWE microphone with the cover and
01:17:58
Speaker
it's it's it's just kind of a whatever a low-key microphone it's almost like a long skinny microphone that Bob Barker would use that cord is getting in the way they're tripping over it it's a pain in the ass
01:18:14
Speaker
Well, and then when one of them is trying to get them to submit and give up into the microphone, when they get reversed upon and they get struck with a kick or a punch, that microphone goes flying and visually it is satisfying as hell. It really
Song Lyrics as Poetry in Wrestler Voices
01:18:30
Speaker
is. And getting to see them use that microphone as a weapon, it really kind of gave me a good idea of where Mudvane got a lot of their stage show from, if you remember the band, Mudvane.
01:18:44
Speaker
Oh my god, a Mudvane reference on this podcast. I feel like Mudvane was sitting there watching Starrcade 1985, saw Magnum TA really just digging that microphone in and thought, I could do that to myself every night. God damn it. Go ahead, Derek.
01:18:59
Speaker
Dig, bury me. I don't know the rest of the lyrics. I just don't go... One of my favorite things about the song, Dig, I'm not going to do it on here, but later when you're at a party, tell somebody that you wrote a poem and then just read the lyrics to Dig normal.
01:19:15
Speaker
Don't give it the melody of the song. Just read it. Just read it. My favorite thing to do on the weekends is to go to coffee houses that let you go up and read poetry and break out your reading glasses, take out a piece of paper, and then begin reading the lyrics to Eminem's Kill You, completely seriously. He's been kicked out of a lot of coffee houses. I made this up. I've never done this, but I fantasize about doing it all the time.
01:19:43
Speaker
See, I picture Mudvane lyrics being if Brock Lesnar had to write poetry. Oh my god, say it. Say it the way Lesnar would say it for everybody. Alright, let's pull up the lyrics to Dig. So this is Garrett's impression of Brock Lesnar reading the lyrics to Mudvane's Dig.
01:20:06
Speaker
I gotta get into the Lesnar voice. What's, uh... Fuck, what's it? I'm gonna leave Roman covered in his own piss and vomit. Alright, we're in it. Alright, take it away. By the time you're done, you're just gonna be wallowing around and shit and piss. God, he's so Irish. I can't do Brock Lesnar, not Irish. Your rendition is Irish Lesnar, and that's fine. I think by now they're used to it.
01:20:34
Speaker
I'm just reading the lyrics to this song right now and it's it's insane of any motherfucker that's thinking they can change me white knuckles grip pushing through for the gold if you're wanting a piece of me I broke the motherfucking mold I'm drowning in your wake shit rubbed in my face teething on concrete gums bleeding dig
01:20:55
Speaker
Bear, I can't do it. You can read the verses, but when it gets to the chorus. I struggle in violated space. Sell out motherfuckers in the biz that try to fuck me. Hanging from their teas, play to PG insight.
01:21:14
Speaker
My client, Brock Lesnar, wrote a poem that he wants all of you to hear. Did he write it in crown? He is using one of his appearances to read you his book of poetry. So bow down to the greatness. You know, I just thought of a really great segment for this show where we do this every week, where each of us picks a random song.
01:21:43
Speaker
and doesn't prepare the other person for it, and then reads it as a wrestler. And we do this every week for the entertainment of our listeners. If they want it. Nobody asked for this. This is Booker T's rendition of The Thunder Rolls. I'm going to go ahead and read you the next Brock Lesnar lyrics. This isn't Mud Vane. This is my other favorite song that has the worst, this is the best worst song to read the lyrics to. Take it away, Brock.
01:22:13
Speaker
I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known. I don't know where it goes, but it's only me, and I walk alone. I walk this empty street, on the boulevard of broken dreams, where the city sleeps, and I'm the only one that walks alone. I walk alone. I walk alone. I walk alone. I walk ah, ah, ah.
01:22:40
Speaker
Should we get back to what we were talking about? We're bad at tangents. So we're like 25 minutes into this podcast, still talking about a 12 minute match. Well,
Reflecting on Podcast's Year and Future Plans
01:22:57
Speaker
that was fun. So what else what else can be said about this year, man? I hope everyone enjoyed this episode. I hope everyone enjoyed all the episodes we provided over the last year. If this was your first time listening,
01:23:10
Speaker
Why did you choose this one? But maybe it was a good one. You got to hear a little buffet of what we have to offer. If this was the first episode you chose to listen to, then a lot of that was out of context.
01:23:22
Speaker
But if you've been along with us, everybody. Well, right. But I think a lot of people who have listened to us over the last year will remember some of those clips. They've laughed along with us. They've cried along with us. And and we just appreciate you spending this last year for once, you know, once a week for an hour hanging out with the hottest free agents on the market.
01:23:47
Speaker
Yep. Right now. Maybe that should be our goal for the next year to not be free agents. Hey, you know what? We could get signed to AEW, but if it doesn't happen, you know where we get signed over on the pioneer network. I hear they're just giving away TV shows. I will be just happy with Westwood one. That would be great. Uh, so yeah, right now we're Wayne's world pre getting signed by, uh, getting sponsored by Noah Vanderhof. Yep.
01:24:15
Speaker
I'd like to think things will get better, though, when we get signed. So, sponsorships, man. Reebok and Pizza Hut and Doritos. I'd like to get Peanut M&Ms in on this, too. Oh, God, I love Peanut M&Ms.
01:24:31
Speaker
Maybe some other products I use like Tom's deodorant, no aluminum, not getting that Alzheimer's. Tom's to Tom's, Tom's Tom's. Cha-ching, there's our ads. Yeah, that's what we want. Buffalo Wild Wings, Wings Beer Sports. We ate at Buffalo Wild Wings so many times overall in weekend. Where's our money, Buffalo Wild Wings? Yeah, be dubs. Hook us up. Tell people to sign us.
01:24:56
Speaker
Either way, thank you for listening, everybody. We're actually, I think we're going to have a bonus episode this week talking about the Royal Rumble. So if you finish this, look for that if you're interested. If not, we'll be back next Thursday. Same time, same place. Season two. We run a season on this. We run a new season. You know, it's like cheers. It's going to be season do 56 episodes a season. The next season, hopefully we have even more episodes.
01:25:26
Speaker
Predetermined strikes back. Look forward to it. Hit our goddamn music.