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Freedom from Self Sabotage a conversation with Michelle Ward
0 Playsin 9 hours
Our subconscious thoughts sabotage our attempts to live authenically
Michelle Ward, is a Certified Holistic Health Coach, wife and mother of 2 daughters
Michelle focuses on supporting post-empty nest women, adapt to the challenges of rebuilding self after years of putting family first.
The difficulties clients had living their new lifestyles led her to explore the influence that mindset has on our ability to change.
Michelle found that subconscious thoughts control up to 95% of a person’s decisions and often undermine conscious intentions.
In this episode of the Abeceder health and well-being podcast Fit For My Age, Michelle explains to host Michael Millward how our best intentions can be sabotaged by these subconscious thoughts.
Michelle explains the origins of these thoughts, how they can make strange situations feel normal and how they provide us with an excuse for not doing what we really want to.
Michael and Michelle discuss the different ways that people can try to control these thoughts and how these many people successfully change their mindset.
Michelle discusses the ‘elanvital’ approach that she has developed to help people abandon self-sabotaging thoughts and rediscover the vital force of their life.
Find out more about Michael Millward and Michelle Ward at Abeceder.co.uk.
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Transcript
00:00:05
Speaker
Made on Zencastr.
Introduction to 'Fit for My Age' Podcast
00:00:06
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Fit for My Age, the health and wellbeing podcast from Abusida. I'm your host, Michael Millward, the Managing Director of Abusida.
Guest Introduction: Michelle Ward
00:00:18
Speaker
Today, my guest is Michelle Ward, the Mindset and Self-Sabotage Coach. As the jingle at the start of this podcast says, Fit for My Age is made on Zencastr.
Zencastr Platform and Offer
00:00:32
Speaker
Zencastr is the all-in-one podcasting platform on which you can make your podcast in one place and then distribute it to all of the major platforms like Spotify, Apple, Amazon and YouTube Music.
00:00:46
Speaker
Zencastr really does make making podcasts so easy. If you would like to try podcasting using Zencastr, visit zencastr.com forward slash pricing and use my offer code, Abysida.
00:01:00
Speaker
All the details are in the description.
Podcast's Purpose: Stimulate Thinking
00:01:03
Speaker
Now that I have told you how wonderful Zencaster is for making podcasts, we should make one. One that will be well worth listening to, liking, downloading and subscribing to.
00:01:15
Speaker
Very importantly, on Fit For My Age, we don't tell you what to think, but we do hope to make you think.
Michelle's Journey and Coaching Experience
00:01:22
Speaker
Today, my guest, who I met on matchmaker.fm, is Michelle Ward.
00:01:28
Speaker
Michelle is a mindset and self-sabotage coach with over a decade of experience. So, hello, Michelle. Hello. Happy to be here. It's a great pleasure to have you here. Thank you very much.
00:01:41
Speaker
You're based in Plano, which is in Texas in the USA, quite close to Dallas and Fort Worth. So I'm imagining that that's like cowboy and oil country.
00:01:52
Speaker
What is it like in in Plano? It's beautiful, actually. You're right on with ah the kind of the cowboy theme. Actually, when we moved here about 20 years ago from Dallas, everything around us was horses and maize fields.
00:02:04
Speaker
It's definitely grown up around us. So it's a little bit of a different look. But it's still got the feel, of that Texas feel. Cowboy boots and Stetsons for special occasions then. Yes. Cool. Got my cowboy hit boots, got my hat, got my my buckle. Great stuff. Great.
00:02:19
Speaker
All the Mexican silver and the turquoise, I suppose. Beautiful, yes. Brilliant. Well, I've been to numerous parts of the United States, but never Texas. If I ever get the chance to visit I'll be sure to make my travel arrangements with the Ultimate Travel Club because at the Ultimate Travel Club I can access trade prices on flights, hotels and holidays.
00:02:38
Speaker
There is a link and a membership discount code in the description. Now, I've paid the rent, so it's time to make this episode of Fit for My Age.
From Medical Issues to Nutrition and Coaching
00:02:47
Speaker
Michelle, could you explain a little bit about what a mindset and self-sabotage coach does and how that came to be your your livelihood? Yeah, it all started about 25 years ago, honestly, whenever I was having some medical issues that the medical community could not help with. So I, i don't know, somehow I ended up on the internet and started
00:03:12
Speaker
researching nutrition. When I started taking out processed foods and all these different things for my diet, all my medical issues disappeared. So I thought, well, there's something to this. So I started kind of, you know, coaching people along the way about five years after that, in probably 2004, 2005, just for free. i mean, I was just kind of doing it. And then I realized after five or so years of coaching that I had this repeat business And ah people would make major changes, but then they would come back a year later and say, i'm kind of back in the same place I started.
00:03:51
Speaker
And so I started thinking, what is going on here? i mean you know what to do ah They could tell me what they know they needed to They just kind of needed a refresh. But what I started realizing, it it was ah really about the mindset. And so I started focusing on, let's get into the why of why you're doing this.
00:04:08
Speaker
And A lot of people can't think past their nose. They can't think past next week. There's always an excuse not to do the thing that you are, that you committed to yourself to do There's always a party and graduation of Christmas, Thanksgiving, whatever.
Focus on Mindset and Self-Sabotage Beliefs
00:04:24
Speaker
and so then what I realized was that it not, it's not about, not just about mindset, but it's about the beliefs that are embedded into your brain from childhood that are driving your behaviors that are keeping you and stuck and causing this self-sabotage behavior.
00:04:45
Speaker
So I changed course, I pivoted, and that's my focus now. Self-sabotage. In some ways, it sounds like a something really serious. And then just listening to you there, I was thinking like, this is just ordinary mundane types of things that people do.
00:05:00
Speaker
Sometimes knowing that they're doing it, sometimes subconsciously they don't know that they're doing it. But it's like having ah an ambition and an aspiration, something... you want to achieve.
00:05:10
Speaker
You can do all sorts of various thin things to try to achieve it, but there's still something that stops you from getting it. Whatever behavior it is that's stopping you is driven by a mindset that is keeping you trapped where you are rather than helping you get to where you
Formation of Belief Systems in Childhood
00:05:26
Speaker
want to be. Exactly. So most of our belief systems are embedded into our, are programmed into our, our and mindset, our brain from the age of the, the,
00:05:39
Speaker
third trimester um in the womb up to about age or age seven. And so the things that program us are, you know, our family, our our culture, the society around us, our friends.
00:05:54
Speaker
And we observe these different things. We take in like 11 million bits of information per second. And children are in this theta brainwave state, in those early years. And so they're absorbing everything. They don't have the logical, the ability to think logically about is this right or wrong?
00:06:12
Speaker
And so that, that's where this is, this all starts from. and then by the time you're like 14 or 15, 60% of your beliefs are subconscious and already embedded into yeah program, it into your brain.
00:06:27
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And so we have about 60,000 thoughts per day 93 to 97% of our behaviors are subconscious and those thoughts are subconscious. So a lot of times you just don't even know what you're thinking.
00:06:39
Speaker
it It is that old saying, isn't it? That some religious orders said, give me the child until they're eight and I will give you the man. Yes, the Jesuits said that, exactly. The things that we are taught with all the old superstitions, the you don't do this, you don't do that, you don't do the other becomes very embedded in it.
00:06:57
Speaker
Listening to you there, it reminded me, I do talks and in schools ah before people are leaving education and and talking about how they need to prepare themselves to be interviewed by somebody like me, an HR professional to get a job or be interviewed by a college recruiter.
00:07:15
Speaker
One of things I say to people is like when you arrive in secondary school as an 11-year-old, most of the things that you say will be things that you've heard your parents say or things that you've heard a teacher say.
00:07:25
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But when you leave when you're 16, 17, 18, you have to have your own thoughts and opinions. You have to have developed your view of the world. And it's like when you say until the age of 14, that's when you really are cemented as the as the adult you are going to be.
Realizing Dysfunction through Subconscious Work
00:07:46
Speaker
Right. And a lot of times at age 14, what you think and what you're thinking is normal because that's what you've grown up around. i don't think I started figuring out that I grew up in a dysfunctional home until years later when I started doing my own subconscious reprogramming work. so And then I look back and I go, oh, well, that wasn't normal and that's not okay. And that's not who I am, who I was told I was.
00:08:12
Speaker
Yeah, we've become very insular in our lives. bit like, you know, the man who has only ever eaten food prepared by his wife believes she is the best cook in the world because he's never experienced anything else.
00:08:25
Speaker
What you're saying is we we live in our families, we don't live in other people's families. And our families are normal, our families are perfect, because that's all that we know.
00:08:36
Speaker
And it's only when we expose ourselves to other things that we start to realize that that what we've had might not have been as perfect as we thought it was, but we still need to work out what it is that we really need in terms of the life that we're going to live.
00:08:53
Speaker
Do you have to tear the house down in order to rebuild it or is it a very individual process?
Process of Addressing Subconscious Beliefs
00:08:59
Speaker
It's a very individualized process. process and That's one of the things about working with clients. Everybody has their bio individual individualistic needs. What's going to work for one person is not going to work for another person.
00:09:12
Speaker
And so it's very important to depending on what you're working on, what the subconscious beliefs are that I identify through an analysis that i have my clients go through. There are there are certain things that that are just glaring that, okay, this really is our first thing to work on.
00:09:33
Speaker
And then once you get past that, then you can work on the other things. It just, it depends on the person really. Yeah, the bricks in the wall are different sizes. You've got to work out which one to deal with first.
00:09:45
Speaker
Exactly, exactly. But there are sort of different types of self-sabotage that we can do to ourselves out there. Oh, absolutely.
Identifying Self-Sabotage Behaviors
00:09:55
Speaker
Most of us have one or more of the different types that I'll kind of go over briefly in a little bit. Some are more glaring than the others. So there's the pain aversion saboteur or the adult child is really what it is. And they don't like discomfort and they avoid challenges and they expect the government to take care of Their parents or other people to take care of them and they don't think for themselves.
00:10:24
Speaker
The fire starter is somebody who loves drama and chaos and it follows them wherever they go. And they i don't understand that wherever i go there I am kind of thing.
00:10:35
Speaker
And that is a very important thing to know as a fire starter. And it's actually them fearing insignificance and then they seek attention through through chaos.
00:10:48
Speaker
And we all know a fire starter. Yeah, we've all got that element in us, I think, as well, haven't we? I think so. i know I've been there. And there's probably different times in your life where you exhibit each of these different types of behavior.
00:11:01
Speaker
There's the financial saboteur. Deep down, they might fear wealth. They might've grown up in a home where people with money are evil and they're greedy.
00:11:11
Speaker
They may be at this point where they think that it's evil and unattainable for them. So they go into debt or they they buy things that they don't need.
00:11:22
Speaker
They do different things that keep them from actually excelling financially. and being in a healthy financial state. So making unwise purchasing decisions basically, or not having savings, that sort of thing.
00:11:37
Speaker
Right. And then there's our victim, and we all know a victim, right? they They fear taking responsibility and they blame their external circumstances for everything that goes on in their life.
00:11:49
Speaker
And granted, there are outside forces that can affect what happens in your life. However, we have no control over those outside forces. And so when you choose to take responsibility for what you can take responsibility for, then you're no longer a victim.
00:12:04
Speaker
So, and then there's the last one, the failure to thrive saboteur. And these are about 10% of the people that I, that I meet with, ah but they fear this true success and they engage in self neglect. So this is the person who may be overweight and,
00:12:24
Speaker
it's too, it's too scary to go to the gym or to walk around the block. So they, instead of doing the thing that they can do, taking, doing 1% better, they buy the ice cream. They, they watch the Netflix, they are on social media and they have, they're on every medication known demand to, me and yeah to make them feel better. And they just don't take responsibility for themselves.
Self-Sabotage and Mental Health Connection
00:12:50
Speaker
Are we talking then in some ways that this self-sabotage is almost like the root cause of mental illness? On some levels, yeah, ah for sure. There are other external factors too that you have to take into consideration. There's the environmental toxins that are affecting our brains and our health. There is Wi-Fi. There is social media that on a phone and on a computer all day looking at other people's lives, that is that affects our behaviors as well.
00:13:20
Speaker
However, if you can get to the root of why it is that you're performing these behaviors and you create awareness around it then that's when you can change or not.
00:13:31
Speaker
Yeah. You're talking about two things. It's like the individuals and then all of these external influences that really have more influence than they than they deserve.
00:13:42
Speaker
I'm imagining as someone who hasn't done all of your research and got all your experience, but I'm imagining at the moment in my mind sort of like a scale. And if you've got too much self-influence and not enough external influence, you could have as many problems as someone who's got...
00:14:00
Speaker
too many external influences and not enough personal influence. You've got to try and keep these things in balance and have some sort of assessment technique for working out what you need from the external world to make your life more your life. But also, you've got to understand more about yourself.
00:14:20
Speaker
we We have to understand more about us and our natural way of thinking, our natural way of being. And I suppose in some ways, parents of young children need to allow them the opportunity to explore more so that they can think more independently about themselves and discover the world in their own way rather than through other people.
Diet's Role in Mental Health
00:14:45
Speaker
Exactly. Exactly. And you touched on something that it's very important and is actually part of my programs is what we put into our body, what we we're eating and what we are, what we're putting on our body, the, the chemicals, the toxins, the toxic food that we're eating really affects your brain and your mental health.
00:15:06
Speaker
And it makes it really hard to do the self work. So that's one of the main things I focus on and, and gather that information from my clients is what are you eating on a daily basis? And let's,
00:15:18
Speaker
See how we can make some changes, because if you're toxifying yourself every day, it's going to be really hard to do the other work. What would be some of this like the strategies for reprogramming our subconscious, rewriting the script?
Strategies for Reprogramming the Subconscious
00:15:34
Speaker
what What sort of things, you you talked about already, making sure that the food that we eat is, I suppose, one way to describe it as clean, um not ultra-processed, that we know what we're putting into our bodies and why we're putting it in.
00:15:49
Speaker
But what are the sorts of things that would you be suggesting to a client that they do? Yeah, that's a great question. The first thing that is key is conscious awareness, awareness of what it is that you're doing.
00:16:02
Speaker
We don't stop in the middle of the day. We're all we're so busy as ah culture or just as you know as a world that that we don't stop and think about the decisions we're making. So you have to really stop and think,
00:16:18
Speaker
whatever it is you're telling yourself or whatever it is, is this really true? And then start to think, you know, you can think positive, but that's not, that's not all there is to it. is It isn't enough. You have to engage in practices that directly access and reprogram the subconscious mind. So one of the things is the power of repetition.
00:16:41
Speaker
The reason why we've got subconscious beliefs is because we've been repetitively told these things or seen these things And we didn't question them. So they are just stuck. Right.
00:16:52
Speaker
But so what you can do is the opposite. It's very important of to consistently feed the subconscious with new empowering beliefs and images.
00:17:03
Speaker
You can rewire your brain actually to think differently by what you're putting into your mind, what you're watching, what you're listening to, who you're spending time with, the beliefs that and and questioning the beliefs that you have.
00:17:19
Speaker
Another thing is positive affirmations. you can You can repeat carefully crafted statements that affirm what you want to believe about yourself and the outcomes you want to achieve.
00:17:32
Speaker
You can visualize, you can create vivid mental images of of yourself already embodying the desired qualities and achieving those goals. And then, like I said, you've got to curate your content. You've got to replace negative media consumption with empowering and inspiring content that supports your growth.
00:17:51
Speaker
yeah we spend i heard this quote the other day, and I thought it was really profound, is that we live in a museum of other people's ideas, is where the critical thinking aspect comes into what you're putting into your mind and what you believe.
00:18:07
Speaker
We've lost the ability to think critically for ourselves. We just believe what we're told. And so you've got to do your own research.
Critical Thinking and Reprogramming Importance
00:18:15
Speaker
You've got to dig and it's uncomfortable. I wouldn't say that reprogramming your subconscious beliefs is a fun thing, but it actually takes courage and it will move you up the elevator to the next level of your, of your life.
00:18:29
Speaker
Yes, this idea that um we have to reprogram our way of thinking. yeah I have this idea myself that the most important conversations that we have are the conversations that we have with ourselves, the things that we say to ourselves inside our head.
00:18:47
Speaker
And if we say them often enough, we can find ourselves saying them out loud, often when it's not appropriate to say them, but it's just become part of our programming, our self-programming, that yes this negative statement spins around in our heads all the time. Anything that is, I'm not happy at the moment, and this this is the reason, this is the reason, this is the reason.
00:19:10
Speaker
And eventually, at some point or another, the voice inside our head comes out through our mouths as well. Yes, and the more you tell yourself those things, the more you start believing and and just and you actually start attracting that kind of thing into your life, which sounds a little woo-woo, but it is true. can totally agree with you.
00:19:29
Speaker
If you are believing that you are not a valuable person, that you've got this problem, that problem, it's not your fault, blah, blah, blah, blah. buth but but Eventually, you will find that you are so you are hanging out with the same, with people who similar beliefs about themselves.
00:19:44
Speaker
I worked in Asia recently. for a while And one of the things that I was told when I went there was the good guys hang out with the good guys, the bad guys hang out with whoever they can. And i totally get what you mean.
00:19:57
Speaker
about if you tell yourself positive things, whether that's just is carefully crafted affirmation statements or just that person's not being a nice person, I'm not going to sink to their level type of thing, then you will end up with a much more positive outlook on life and In theory, at least I believe what you want to achieve would start to start to be achievable rather than there are so many problems before i can even start thinking about doing what I really want to do.
00:20:31
Speaker
Exactly. Well, and then when you start thinking forward, like forward thinking and thinking, oh my gosh, I'm going to to deal with this person and this person. And and you're i will say, you know one of the things i have noticed over the last 10 years is that my circle of friends has changed. That's not that we're not friends anymore, but the people I choose to spend the most time with are the like-minded and individuals that understand these, these concepts and these truths.
00:21:03
Speaker
And we can encourage one another and they'll call me out. Like that's not right, right thinking. Or why is it that you said that? And then, and it's not offensive. Like you want, I want people to call me out ask the question yeah yeah yeah it's it's like if you are going to say these are your values and then somebody witnesses you not living to those values you deserve to be called out about that exactly because i'm here to help people and help people grow and evolve and i'm here to grow and evolve myself i don't where i am now is way different than where i was i'm so much better than where i was five years ago
00:21:42
Speaker
where I was 10 and 20 years ago, and I'm grateful. And I'm excited for the person that I'm continuing to become.
Reinventing Purpose for Empty Nesters
00:21:49
Speaker
lot of the people I work with um are women who find themselves kind of, they they're empty nesters. They've they've had children and then their children are gone. And that was kind of their identity. They might've given up their their careers to raise a family, which is great. I did the same thing.
00:22:08
Speaker
They find themselves at the end of this, phase of life and their children are gone and they think I have no purpose. Oh, and I'm going through menopause and I'm overweight. I'm low energy and my life is over. And actually it's it's a great new beginning. And so I help them see themselves in a different light. This is just a new season with all the wisdom that came with it.
00:22:30
Speaker
And you can reinvent yourself. Yeah. Just, you mentioned women going through that process. I know several men who have felt exactly the same sort of things when their children grow up and leave home, go off to college, university, and are supporting themselves.
00:22:47
Speaker
it like, I have just spent two decades. My role in life has been as a father, as a dad, to provide for these people who no longer need me, to provide for them why am i doing this right it it it creates this massive hole and we need almost i think to to think about how life changes and how we're going to manage those transitions much better than we currently do because we're all supposedly living longer as well and experiencing more experiencing more of these changes
00:23:19
Speaker
And that could be one of the reasons, just putting this out there, no evidence to support it, but it could be one of those reasons why so many grandparents get involved in childcare for their grandchildren rather than just seeing them on the weekend. It's like they're taking them to school, they're preparing meals, all these sorts of things. it' like It's the next stage is like recapturing that responsibility of being responsible for other people.
00:23:46
Speaker
I like that theory. I've not thought of that before. Yeah, it's ah it's if anybody wants to do a master's dissertation or a PhD on that, please get in touch. That would be really useful. yes and One of the great things that you've done, though, is captured all of all of the learning that you've had. And it was great that you talk about ah your own journey being not just a couple of months, but talking about it over 5, 10, 15, 20 years. And it really brings home that this is a lifelong type of exercise, a lifelong journey for whoever embarks
Elan Vital Coaching Program Overview
00:24:18
Speaker
upon it.
00:24:18
Speaker
But you've packaged, if that's not the right word, I can't think of it a better one at the moment, all of these ideas into something that you've told me i have to pronounce with a French accent.
00:24:30
Speaker
And it's called the Elan Vital. Yes. So tell us a little bit about what Elan Vital is. Okay. Would love to. So this is a term coined by a French philosopher, Henri Bergson, and I don't know if I'm saying his name right, but kind of French. And and nineteen seven actually in 1907, actually, in a book that he wrote called Creative Evolution, and it was really talking about the evolution of organisms and how they, and so Elan Vital means vital force.
00:25:03
Speaker
And ah every organism on earth has this vital force within them. And every organism, except for maybe humans, knows whenever they are sprouted or seeded or born that they are going to evolve into this, a flower, this kind of flower, or this kind of tree or this kind of animal.
00:25:24
Speaker
Well, we all inherently have this vital force inside of us. But as we, as we get older, and we are told who we are by outside influences and we start to believe that we're not that vital force, then we lose that, that it's not gone.
00:25:43
Speaker
it just has to be reignited. And so I just love the idea of reigniting that vital force for people who struggle and subconscious and self-sabotage, subconscious beliefs and self-sabotage behavior is not a malfunction.
00:26:02
Speaker
It's you're not wrong. You're not broken. You're not you are actually operating how you are supposed to You're operating how you were programmed. But if you don't want to live in that program anymore then and and really dive deep and reignite that vital force, this is how you do it. Yeah.
Accessing Resources and Self-Sabotage Quiz
00:26:21
Speaker
Where can people find out more information about Elan Vital? ElanVitalCoaching.com. right And you can get in touch with me there. I've got a free self-sabotage quiz that you can take to see if you are actually self-sabotaging and there, ah I offer a free discovery call for anybody interested in finding out more about my programs and got a few posts on there. So it's a great thing to explore and and learn more.
00:26:50
Speaker
It's great. I could talk to you for hours. There is so much to investigate and explore. Really do encourage people to take a look at the Ilan Vital Coaching website, ilanvitalcoaching.com.
00:27:02
Speaker
But for the moment, you know, Michelle, it's been great talking to you. I've learned a lot. It's made me really think, but thank you very much. I've had a great time. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me.
00:27:13
Speaker
been great.
Conclusion and Episode Wrap-Up
00:27:15
Speaker
Um, I am Michael Millward, the Managing Director of Abusida, and in this episode of Fit for My Age, I have been having a conversation with Michelle Ward, who is based in Texas, USA, and a self-sabotage coach.
00:27:31
Speaker
You can find out more information about both of us at abusida.co.uk. If you are listening to Fit for My Age on your smartphone, you may like to know that 3.0 has the UK's fastest 5G network with unlimited data.
00:27:45
Speaker
So listening on 3.0 means you can wave goodbye to Buffering. There's a link in the description that will take you to more information about business and personal telecom solutions from 3.0 and the special offers available when you quote my referral code.
00:28:00
Speaker
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You can access your easy to understand results and guidance to help you make effective lifestyle changes anytime via your secure personal wellness hub. There's a link and a discount code in the description.
00:28:57
Speaker
That description is well worth reading. If you have liked this episode of Fit for My Age, please give it a like and download it so that you can listen anytime, anywhere.
00:29:08
Speaker
To make sure you don't miss out on future episodes, please subscribe. Remember, the aim of all the podcasts produced by Abbasida is not to tell you what to think, but just as Michelle has done with me today, we do hope to make you think.
00:29:23
Speaker
Until the next episode of Fit For My Age, thank you for listening and goodbye.