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Honoring the Dead: How Cultural Traditions Shape Grief Processing
10 Plays2 months ago
In this continuation of our grief series, I explore how different cultures process and express grief, focusing specifically on American and Mexican/Mexican-American traditions and customs. Having lived between both cultures, I share my personal observations on how these approaches to mourning differ - and what we can learn from each perspective.
I discuss how American culture often encourages a quick return to normalcy after loss, with limited bereavement leave and an expectation to grieve privately. In contrast, I explore the more open emotional expression common in Mexican and Mexican-American traditions, including regular cemetery visits and cultural celebrations like Día de los Muertos that create space for both sadness and joy in remembrance.
From the timing of funeral services (days versus weeks after death) to the social acceptance of public mourning, these cultural differences reveal much about how societies view grief. Most importantly, I share how embracing elements from different cultural approaches can help us develop healthier relationships with loss.
Whether you're navigating grief through your own cultural lens or supporting someone who is grieving, this episode offers compassionate perspectives on honoring your emotions while finding meaningful ways to stay connected to those you've lost.
Honor your grief in whatever form it takes - there's no cultural "right way" to remember those we've lost 💫✨
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Transcript
Introduction to Growing With Soul
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello beautiful souls and welcome back to another int installment of Growing With Soul. My name is Marisol Moran and I am a certified life coach specializing in self-esteem and confidence. The Growing With Soul podcast focuses on continual growth and healing, especially in the small steps that we take every single day. If you are looking to heal, to grow, and to connect with your true self, this podcast is for you.
00:00:25
Speaker
Additionally, I am accepting clients at the moment. So if you are looking for some extra support, some accountability in reaching your goals or building confidence, you can go ahead and click the link in my show notes to schedule your very own discovery call.
Cultural Expressions of Grief
00:00:38
Speaker
In today's episode, I'm going to be looking at different cultural expressions of grief, and specifically that of the American cultural expression of grief and the Mexican-Mexican-American cultural expression of grief and processing said grief.
00:00:57
Speaker
Now, like I mentioned in last week's episode, different cultures have different traditions and customs around grief and mourning. And I find it so very interesting what those differences are and especially in similarities as well.
00:01:14
Speaker
And I have found myself in this point where I'm almost... surprised in certain differences, even within like my own country of the United States, because like I mentioned in last week's episode, when it comes to culture, culture is the thing that is so integral to who we are and how we experience and how we perceive the world that we don't even recognize it's there.
00:01:45
Speaker
It's when you are doing or experiencing something and it 100% normal to you because that's just how things are and how things are done. That simplistically is culture.
00:01:59
Speaker
So when it came time to talk about grief and loss and mourning with somebody who is not Latina, with somebody who is not Mexican or Mexican-American, i was like, hmm.
00:02:11
Speaker
ah this is different. And it really made me start to think. So one of the things that I really want to highlight is that my lens is through the Mexican American lens.
00:02:24
Speaker
And I really want to like specify like very much Mexican lens. dash American. And especially within this context, I cannot separate the two because my lived experience is both to the point where it's this, this third thing.
00:02:46
Speaker
To the best of my ability, I'm going to talk about both separately, but also please note that like I haven't experienced the like predominant American culture of grief and mourning.
00:03:01
Speaker
And I have not experienced the predominant Mexican culture of grief and mourning. I've experienced both happening at the same time. And it's this other thing. Okay, so.
American Ways of Grieving
00:03:15
Speaker
American norms around grief. Within the research that I did do, i i came across some this is one segment, this one bit of research describing how grief is dealt with in America.
00:03:32
Speaker
and
00:03:35
Speaker
especially as an adult, I have no way of not dealing with it because I work. So I've had to experience that within like the workplace setting and how that that impacts personal life.
00:03:49
Speaker
But also just seeing how
00:03:56
Speaker
almost detached it is from emotion in comparison to like how I experienced grief when I was a kid, obviously, but within like the Mexican, Mexican-American culture. So quite often within America and American society, people are often expected to return to normal more activities relatively quickly after a loss, typically within a few weeks or Definitely like within months.
00:04:21
Speaker
kind of like how we talked about before the grieving process usually takes. And before I mean last week's episode, and we talked about the natural grieving process tends to take place between two to six months.
00:04:32
Speaker
But definitely within American culture, people are expected to just like move on within like a few weeks, two months. And then, like I mentioned, within the workplace, we definitely see this in the workplace where there is very limited bereavement leave, typically three to five days for immediate family members.
00:04:50
Speaker
And then this is reflected, like I mentioned, reflecting that expectation that we return to normal activities, return to our normal routines, return to our normal emotional state quickly within the United States and American society and culture.
00:05:07
Speaker
and I want to emphasize as well that within American society and culture, like I really want, like it's three to five days for immediately immediate family members.
00:05:22
Speaker
This also is going to be different, dependent upon your employer. If you're a student, maybe be dependent upon your university and what their policies are.
00:05:34
Speaker
Though that those three to five days are relatively common, the immediately immediate family member portion is also, in my personal opinion,
00:05:48
Speaker
a shitty standard to hold. Because You could be much closer to somebody who is not an immediate family member. Like if your best friend passes away, like you're not related to them, but like, so then what do you have to do? Take out PTO?
00:06:05
Speaker
If you even have PTO? No. See, this is, that's going to be, I'm going to go down a whole different tangent about American culture and work culture in the United States that 100% disagree with.
00:06:16
Speaker
But I feel like that just brings to light how grief and dealing with grief is different. I don't want to say anything like judgmental, but like it feels like almost like stunted.
00:06:28
Speaker
Like it feels like grief within the predominant American culture is just like it happened. You're sad. Keep pushing on is very much what I've seen, especially as an adult, having to deal with like these types of policies in the workplace.
00:06:47
Speaker
But then also in people that I've worked with who have been experiencing grief and they are part of the predominant American culture, it's kind of like, yeah, we were sad, had a funeral, move on. Like, girl, that's not how emotions operate.
00:07:03
Speaker
United States. Anyway, so again, three to five days of immediate family members for immediate family members and then go back to your normal more routine. Additionally, grief is generally viewed as a private matter with public displays of emotion often being seen as uncomfortable or inappropriate in many settings.
00:07:21
Speaker
Again, my experience with predominant American culture tends to be in the workplace and this is very much true in that area, or within that sector. I would say any sector within the workplace like Part of professionalism is pretending that you're happy.
00:07:37
Speaker
But I also think that like just out and about in society, seeing somebody who may be sad or mourning, like you just don't see that, you know, unless like, oh, like somebody like the only thing that you might see is like, okay, somebody like at actively at a funeral, heading to a funeral or awake or something like that.
00:07:55
Speaker
You might see like the procession of like, you know, the hearse and like the limousines or people have like that whole thing going on. But really, like very much it being a private matter.
00:08:07
Speaker
So additionally, within like the research that I did do in discussing grief, Judy Lever, M.A. and Laura Jean Cataldo, RN, state that unlike other cultures with specific rituals for grief and mourning, there is often subtle but insistent pressure on Americans, particularly males, to move forward with resumption of regular activities.
00:08:27
Speaker
Onlookers may try to divert the mourner's attention to other topics or discourage crying or talking about the loved one.
00:08:36
Speaker
Additionally, social insensitivity may drive the mourner to grieve in secret or feel guilty because of continued intense feelings of loss. So within the American context, when it comes to grief and mourning, it's allowed and accepted in that moment.
00:08:55
Speaker
It's allowed and accepted at the funeral, at the wake, afterwards, at the reception. like that's fine. It's obviously okay to experience and express grief and sadness in those moments.
00:09:10
Speaker
But after that, it goes back to that, like, trucking on, pushing through it, pushing forward. And if you're around others, pretending to be okay, and then having to deal with your grief and your sadness and your emotions by yourself when you're alone.
Funeral Timelines: Mexico vs. U.S.
00:09:29
Speaker
And granted, this is a generalization. i mean, the United States is huge, a lot of people. And I'm sure that within everybody's own families, especially nowadays, I feel like Emotion is a little bit more accepted with like younger generations.
00:09:45
Speaker
Like, you know, we're probably talking about these things a bit more nowadays. But generally speaking, this is sort of the vibe.
00:09:56
Speaker
And I feel like that is different than what personally I experienced culturally and what I saw growing up. But even then, as somebody who is living in the United States and experiences American culture um a daily basis to varying degrees, when it comes to this, like again, my immediate experience with it is within the workplace. And like, yeah, but like you keep trucking on. You take your three to five days, if you even have that, and you just keep moving forward with life and pretend like it didn't happen.
00:10:39
Speaker
In terms of like different practices and memorial practices, it's going to be like the common thing that you would expect viewing or wake before the funeral, funeral services, have burial or cremation ceremonies and then like post funeral gathering or reception.
00:10:55
Speaker
i feel like in terms of like experience, experiencing death and loss from like a Mexican, Mexican American standpoint, pretty on par in terms of what I've experienced and witnessed.
00:11:07
Speaker
in terms of like mourning and grieving. The key difference that I did see one time, which was even a shock to me, twice actually, was that
00:11:22
Speaker
When in Mexico, like if somebody like passes away, like the next day, it's the funeral. like the Like the next day, maybe two days later, like it's the funeral.
00:11:33
Speaker
Like we are not waiting. likere We're dealing with this now. And that's not how it is in the United States. I don't know what or why or how, but like someone could pass away in the U.S. and then the funeral services won't be for like two weeks or later.
00:11:52
Speaker
And that's normal. For whatever reason, that's normal. Even if the person, you don't have to like move the body, like nobody needs to travel. Like but even if it's in the same town, it can take two weeks, maybe more to finally have the services.
00:12:09
Speaker
And I was in complete shock the second time that happened. So like last episode, i discussed how one my uncles passed away during COVID. And like,
00:12:20
Speaker
I remember his funeral services. beat I think they were either like the next day or two days later. and I remember that like I was still in shock that he had even passed away.
00:12:34
Speaker
and then it's like and then now our're the funeral service happened. Like back to back I was just. And he did pass away in Mexico and the services were in Mexico and then they were streaming it, which is how I was able to.
00:12:50
Speaker
witness it and experience it and just that shock and then additionally that like on the flip side ages ago my grandma passed away and the majority of her children were already living and she was living in the United States And then like the remaining family that we have in Mexico flew in for her services.
00:13:12
Speaker
But my parents are telling me how it was a huge point of contention that her services happened so much later after she passed away. I don't, I mean, I, I don't recall how from like the day she passed away to when the services were, and don't remember, but I didn't think anything of it at all.
00:13:37
Speaker
But I do recall like my parents talking about how like my uncles who were still living in Mexico were upset that it was taking so long to have her services. like it was a point of contention because again, in Mexico, someone passes away 20 to 48 hours later, you're having the services.
00:13:55
Speaker
So yeah. Yeah. When I stopped to think about this, feel like the Mexican way of like, you know, 20, the 24 to 48 hours later, like having the funeral services and all that, like on an emotional level,
00:14:13
Speaker
feel I feel like that might even be healthier instead of having to like this weird liminal space of like these two weeks before you could finally have the services. You know, person passes away, you have the services, you deal with the emotions as it's all happening. Like, okay, I feel like that makes sense.
00:14:32
Speaker
but also different cultures, different traditions, different norms. In terms of expressing grief when it comes to like Mexican, Mexican-American culture in general, okay, in general, there is this notion of more open emotional expression, public displays of mourning,
00:14:56
Speaker
I feel like maybe not so much nowadays, but when speaking with like my grandma and my mom about like traditions and things, like there'd be people who would wear black for extended periods of time. so then you would see more like sadness and mourning happening out like in the public sphere. Though I don't think that's as common and it as it is today. I feel like it's more like maybe like my grandma's generation. don't know.
00:15:18
Speaker
Let me know if I'm wrong, but I feel like it's more like my grandma's generation where they would be like wearing black for like ever afterwards. And then like regular visits to the cemetery is also something that is done a lot within Mexican and Mexican-American culture.
00:15:31
Speaker
This is where but how I mentioned earlier in last week's episode where i struggle a little bit when it comes to how is this just not normal for people who are grieving to do these things?
00:15:44
Speaker
and i start to And then I try to think about like what are my cultural maybe like media points of reference as well in order to dissect the mishmash of the Mexican and American culture happening in my head.
00:16:01
Speaker
But then, and I think about my points of reference in the media, for example, like it is people also still visiting cemeteries, but also like with that, like
00:16:15
Speaker
within like media, like American media,
00:16:22
Speaker
Is it like a regular thing for these people or is it just like a once in a while thing? Because when I think about within like the Mexican-American community, like in terms of people that I've known in person and people that I like, people that I've known in real life, IRL, and people that I've seen like on social media,
00:16:39
Speaker
within the Latino community, Mexican-American community, like, they go regularly. Like, whether it's, like, birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, like, if it's, some like, the holidays.
00:16:50
Speaker
Like, I've seen people visit regularly. Like, visit cemeteries regularly. And I feel like that just can't be ah Mexican-American thing. Like, that's gotta be, an everybody thing.
00:17:04
Speaker
But maybe it's not. Maybe it's not. But it would make sense to me if that was an everybody thing. But again, cultural lenses here. The same thing with like open emotional expression, public displays of mourning.
00:17:16
Speaker
Like if you're sad and something like this is happening, it just makes sense. It just makes sense that you would have like open emotional expression when something like this would be happening. But again, every time I've been to a wake or a funeral or even like gatherings after the fact, like months or whatever, like later on weeks later on, it's like,
00:17:39
Speaker
It's all but within the Mexican-American landscape and cultural landscape. like I can't remove my mexican Mexican-American-ness and like that of my family's from these experiences. So take that with what you will.
Dia de los Muertos: Processing Grief
00:17:56
Speaker
On a more macro level within like Mexican and Mexican-American culture, we do have Dia de los Muertos. Now, de los Muertos is a holiday, essentially, for lack of a better term, an annual celebration that helps, I would say, it definitely helps a lot of people process grief.
00:18:14
Speaker
With de los Muertos, some of the traditions around it are that you know we create altars, ofrendas for people who have passed away. There's a lot of preparing favorite foods for the people who have passed away.
00:18:28
Speaker
visiting and decorating graves, naturally like remembering those people, honoring those people, sharing stories and memories that we have with them. And it's this time where it's,
00:18:42
Speaker
Obviously, there' is there's a mix of emotions. Obviously, there's like sadness because the person has passed and like you're not going to get to see them again. But it's a mix of emotions with the sadness and also like joy and like a celebration of life and not so much just mourning and grieving and being sad, like the which was in I would say within the American context, like those are negative emotions, whereas like celebration and honoring and remembering, like that's...
00:19:10
Speaker
positive connotation of emotions. So it's this mix of both. And it's a way of relating to death in such a way that it's a positive way of experiencing loss and grief.
00:19:23
Speaker
And not so much like this like negative, quote unquote, negative way of experiencing loss and grief that I think is common within the American context of grief and grieving.
00:19:37
Speaker
So in terms of dissecting those two cultural experiences, and for those of us who are experiencing grief, whether you are Latina or Latino or Latine and or not, and you're just like, I am struggling here and I don't know how to remember the person who has passed without being incredibly sad.
00:19:57
Speaker
One, that's perfectly fine to be incredibly sad. And also, if it can help to recognize that You can be sad and also find ways to honor that person's memory and find ways to still feel connected to that person.
00:20:18
Speaker
And I feel like personally within my own lived experience, having Dia de los Muertos is a way where I am able to feel connected with that person still.
00:20:29
Speaker
And it's not just that one day because when you're building, you know, the altar and like you're looking for like the pictures to put up and like everything, like it's not and you have the altar up. Like it's not just that one day. It's like almost like that whole month of October, like where you are remembering that person.
00:20:47
Speaker
and feeling connected. And then like, naturally, you're going to have that person on your mind more and, and share stories and want talk about that person more. And that's perfectly fine and normal. And like, even I would say a beautiful thing.
00:21:01
Speaker
So if you want to feel connected to that person more, like if, whether you have someone in your life that you can talk to about those things, or if you have like a therapist or a coach or someone that you are already working with, like,
00:21:15
Speaker
definitely bring it up and talk about that person a bit more. And if you have a mix of like happy and sad emotions, that's perfectly fine and normal. So at the end of the day, something that I've learned when it comes to grief and loss from like these different cultural lenses is that grief and loss in life is an ongoing experience.
Ongoing Experience of Grief
00:21:42
Speaker
And that's perfectly fine. Like it should not be rushed. And even if you begin to feel joy again in your day-to-day life, and like that pain, that initial sting of it decreases, it doesn't mean that you will never feel sad again or that you don't miss that person anymore.
00:22:03
Speaker
You're supposed to be able to move on and lead a beautiful and healthy and joyful life. Within also including, with that also including, remembering that person and still feeling sad when you do. That's perfectly fine.
Conclusion & Listener Engagement
00:22:20
Speaker
Thank you for tuning in in today's episode. If you appreciated this episode, if it resonated with you, definitely subscribe and leave a little review. It definitely helps to spread the word. Additionally, you can follow me on Instagram, on TikTok, and on threads. I am at yourcoachmari.
00:22:39
Speaker
And if you are looking for any kind of support this year, i am accepting new clients and you can schedule your very own discovery call through the link in my show notes. Until next time, keep growing.
00:22:50
Speaker
Bye.