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Recovering From Mistakes
17 Plays3 months ago
In this episode of Gender in Focus, El and Kai dive into the crucial topic of recovering from mistakes, particularly common missteps like misgendering or using incorrect pronouns. Mistakes can feel overwhelming, but they don’t have to derail your relationships or progress as an ally.
We explore how to manage the emotions that come with making mistakes, why over-apologizing can create additional challenges, and how to use a straightforward, respectful approach to correct yourself. You’ll also learn how to respond thoughtfully when a mistake causes hurt, process your feelings without centring yourself, and understand why even correcting private missteps matters for building inclusive habits.
The key takeaway? Mistakes are a natural part of learning, and how you recover from them can make a big difference. Tune in for actionable advice on handling pronoun errors, fostering trust with trans and non-binary individuals, and creating a more inclusive environment through intentional actions.
Get in touch: podcast@transfocus.ca
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Transcript
Introduction to Gender in Focus
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello folks, this is Gender in Focus, a podcast exploring how to create a more inclusive world for trans and non-binary people. I'm your host, Kai Scott, and I use the pronouns he and him. I'm the president of Trans Focus Consulting. Each week I dive into real stories and expert advice, offering practical tips and actionable takeaways to help you lead with kindness, confidence, and heart. Tune in to discover how you can make a positive difference. It's just a conversation away.
Handling Misgendering and Pronoun Errors
00:00:40
Speaker
In this episode, we delve into practical advice on how to recover from misgendering and other pronoun-related mistakes. I'm joined by my colleague, El who will introduce himself.
00:00:52
Speaker
Hello, I'm El and I use the pronouns she and they. um I'm the coordinator at Transfocus. And today, if we're talking about recovering from mistakes and recovering from those awkward moments, I think that's probably something that everybody really worries about um when it comes to dealing with anything, not just even with trans-related issues, but pretty much any issue that i we're not maybe familiar with. It's something that everyone really, really worries about.
00:01:20
Speaker
So I really wanted to start in asking you if we make a mistake, like misgendering someone by accident, what do we do? What's the best thing? that's the What's the best way to recover?
00:01:35
Speaker
yeah That's the million dollar question that so many people ask and are very ah waiting with bated breath to understand. And I totally get it. I on other topics, I want to have this answer as well. And certainly, you know, misgendering when it happens, we may feel self-conscious or even sad or upset that we've done that. But it is really important to very simply acknowledge that a mistake has been made um by saying, you know, my bad I meant she or they or whatever the proper pronoun is.
00:02:13
Speaker
um And to also apologize too. And it doesn't have to be this big thing that takes a long time. And in fact, it's really important to avoid going over and over the apology. Sometimes people feel so self-conscious that they actually repeat themselves a lot and belabor the apology and the correction.
00:02:34
Speaker
um But really simply, it's just, you know, my bad, I meant, or I wanted to say, and then
Importance of Correcting Pronoun Mistakes
00:02:40
Speaker
carrying on. So, of course, if you see that the trans person is upset, um then, of course, you can spend time with them to understand the impact. ah But if it's just a matter of something happened, addressing it and then moving on.
00:02:56
Speaker
and That's fine. so So if that's with you making a mistake with someone in front of you, what about when you make a mistake but no one is there to see it? A trans person isn't there to witness it. um Is there a need to correct yourself still or how do you recover from a mistake in that way?
00:03:17
Speaker
That's such a good question because oftentimes we think, oh, there's no harm if the trans person isn't in the room. And certainly that is the case. You know, they're not there to hear the mistake, ah but it is really important to still correct, even if the trans person isn't there.
00:03:35
Speaker
The reason for that is because that correction is for ourselves to be able to know and practice the proper pronoun. And without that practice, sometimes we can slip into old habits and revert back to a pronoun that used to be used or that we're more familiar with. And so that really puts us behind in that learning curve that we want to increase and make better.
00:03:58
Speaker
So that's where the correction, even if the trans person isn't there, is really important. Another reason is because the other person that we're speaking to might not realize that that is an incorrect pronoun that we've just spoken. And if you don't make that correction, they might replicate the mistake that you've just made. So there's a few different dynamics at play, and it's really important to correct with and without the trans person or non-binary person in the room.
Managing Emotional Reactions to Misgendering
00:04:26
Speaker
When I think back to ah mistakes that I've made, of which there have been many, ah I know that my tendency and I have to really stop myself doing this is to go into a huge over explanation and like a panic and wanting to explain myself.
00:04:45
Speaker
um and ah Since ah learning a bit more about that, I stop myself doing that, but it's it's a really hard thing to stop yourself doing it. So if we feel horrendous when we've made a mistake, how do we manage that? How do we how do we deal with the kind of horrible feelings that come alongside that?
00:05:07
Speaker
totally understandable to feel awkward, to feel upset, to almost admonish oneself a bit like how could you like of course this is the proper pronoun why can't you get this? Any number of things that come up emotionally when we make a mistake. um Also in our society there's not a lot of room for mistakes especially in the workplace context and so I can and understand why people are nervous when this happens. um It is really important though not to, one, belabor, like I said before, the apology, even though that's the impulse, um just recognize that you have your own emotional reaction and that's okay, that's valid, it's understandable. um But to separate it from what you say to the trans or non-binary person,
00:05:55
Speaker
that you're you know correcting and apologizing and then moving on. ah Certainly if it really is kind of and maybe a repetitive mistake, certainly wanting to carve out more time to intentionally practice that pronoun so that becomes much easier for you to do that or for of people to do more easily.
00:06:17
Speaker
um But another thing that I always offer folks is that you can go and talk to another person ah to say, you know, I'm feeling really awful that I misgendered this person. It was in this setting and this thing happened. And, you know, I got red in the cheeks. My heart, you know, beat faster. I wanted to melt into the the floor and like run away, you know, whatever the reaction is, it's okay to process that with other people.
00:06:45
Speaker
um as a way to move forward and continue to deepen ah the practice and the commitment to the proper pronoun. ah So it's it's good, it's okay to do that, but it's really important to separate what you say to the trans and non-binary person and what you say and process on your own with other people ah who can support you in your journey of inclusion. so just wanted to add those few key pieces ah so that people appreciate that it's okay to feel that way. ah But it doesn't need to stop you from going forward. So where I would usually want to like have the urge to spiral into a big apology and and really labour it. um What is the reason to not do that? I mean, you've said to not do it, but what is the reason behind that?
00:07:34
Speaker
Yeah, that's a really important one, because I think sometimes people want to signal that they didn't mean to make that mistake. And they want to make sure that the other, that the trans or non-binary person understands that, and almost as a way to justify, actually, I'm a good person.
00:07:51
Speaker
um But it's really important not to put that on the trans or non-binary person. um It could be the fact that they've been misgendered a lot and they're having to have a lot of this type of energy, this anxious energy towards them. And they just want to go about their work or go about their day and having to kind of take care of people in their states of anxiety or maybe even guilt or shame is a lot of work to put on a person.
00:08:20
Speaker
And if they're having to navigate that with multiple people, it just really puts an emotional and mental tax on them. And so really being matter of fact is the kind way to go about it. It may seem counterintuitive. We might think, oh, if I show that I care in this very elaborate apology, then they will know. But actually by being matter of fact,
00:08:41
Speaker
it It puts less of a spotlight on it, number one, but it also, they just don't have to put as much labor into it and they can feel like they can carry on with their day as well. So, of course, if the trans person has more to say, ah it's really important to listen to them and not dismiss their feelings or whatnot. ah But more often than not, people just want to know, that like have it acknowledged and then carry on. They don't want a big spotlight on the matter.
00:09:10
Speaker
h Yeah, I think that resonates. It's something that I know for me, ah whenever I made a mistake and I did that, it was very much to make me feel better, but very much didn't make the other person feel better. so Absolutely. And it's it's confusing because you think, oh, I'm i'm showing them, um but it actually then centers the person who made the mistake. So if I made the mistake, it now shifts the focus right back onto to me rather than you know, if I made the mistake, I want to focus and center on them. And quick apology correction, if there's anything more to discuss, we're still focused on them. So that's really important.
Handling Upset Individuals and Group Contexts
00:09:49
Speaker
So let's say I've made a mistake, or anyone's made a mistake, and then the worst thing happens, and you feel really guilty about it, but then the trans or non-binary person that you've made a mistake around
00:10:02
Speaker
really is genuinely very upset about it. um what What do we do in those circumstances? Because the way that you've worded that would be a quick move on, like you know apology and move on, but actually there are times where it really hurts. So how do you handle that?
00:10:17
Speaker
Yeah, that's such a good point and a really important nuance to take into consideration. ah Certainly, if people react very strongly to the misgendering, it could be a particular circumstance that maybe it was in front of a group of people, maybe it was a leader there, ah or with somebody that there's, ah you know,
00:10:41
Speaker
tension with or difficulty with or puts them in a precarious position in some other way. ah It's understandable why they would react in that way. ah So in those instances, it's really important to hold space for what that person is saying and how they're reacting. So often, if we don't have that experience of being misgendered, we might discount or dismiss or diminish that experience.
00:11:08
Speaker
ah so especially if somebody is repeatedly misgendered, that can really weigh on somebody, especially some of the stats that we have from a national survey here in Canada. Non-binary folks, a majority of them are misgendered on a daily basis. like That can really get to somebody over the long term. And so it's really important to be sensitive to that experience and to be listening to what the impact is, in which case you're just listening to what they're saying, affirming what they're saying in terms of like, I understand why you're upset. um If I were in your position, I would also be upset, right? So things like that. um
00:11:46
Speaker
And so these are some of the strategies you can employ and that can really help to ah soothe some of this upset that has come up for folks. I would also say too what's important is that they may not be reacting totally just to what happened between the two of you.
00:12:06
Speaker
and that there might be other factors at play. So this might be the maybe 10th time that person was misgendered in the day. And this was the instant that kind of the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. And so in that case, um it's important not to take on all of what they're saying as being only you responsible for that.
00:12:27
Speaker
But appreciate without asking or needing to know that there might be other things at play as well. So there's the kind of totality of things or the cumulative effect of of being misgendered on a regular basis. So keeping that in the back of your mind so that even if you're holding space that you don't need to absorb all of that.
00:12:48
Speaker
because I think sometimes people can absorb all of that as their own personal responsibility and then never want to talk to a trans or non-binary person again, right? Like it's just that's not effective or helpful for anyone. um The chances are that you'll likely continue to encounter trans and non-binary folks but that this is not the end of the story. It's really just appreciating and understanding, and then as much as you can, doing better the next time. And maybe it's practicing more, maybe it's taking education sessions to deepen your learning, um maybe it's going on to YouTube to have you know specific stories that you look at ah search for from trans and non-binary folks, just so you have a real under-step of understanding on the topic.
00:13:34
Speaker
I think a lot of people are sometimes worried about making things worse after they've apologized and like acknowledging the mistake in the first place can really sort of fan the flames. um Is there ever a circumstance where sort of acknowledging the mistake isn't the right thing to do, or should you still correct yourself in in all aspects of that or all contexts?
00:14:01
Speaker
Yeah, that's a good point. Sometimes people think that they'll kind of make a big scene if they point out their mistake or correct it. And so they're wondering if just kind of tiptoeing past it is a better way to do it and maybe acknowledge it after the fact or whatnot. And certainly, if especially when we're thinking about it in a group context, that's where perhaps there's a little bit more sensitivity that you can bring to it.
00:14:27
Speaker
But I think more often than not, it's actually really important to acknowledge that mistake. Now, one caveat to it as an example is if there's a group a team meeting and you're talking about something really intense and people are upset in the room for other reasons, and then misgendering happens and then you're going to kind of spend a moment on correcting it, maybe that's not the right time for it at that moment because it might just add fuel to the fire that already exists.
00:14:56
Speaker
ah But there could be ways that you address it after the fact. So, you know, circling back to people a day afterwards and be like, hey, um you know, I didn't want to say it at the moment because it was a very heated discussion and it it would have really, um could have impacted that discussion. ah But I did want to acknowledge that I made a mistake, right, and to to the individuals who were involved.
00:15:19
Speaker
ah including the trans or non-binary person. So at least they understand that you know that you made a mistake, ah but given the circumstances, didn't think that it was the right moment um to do it. so And then continue to apologize if you do make a mistake. So it's not trying to skirt around responsibility or um ah kind of accountability. It's just more recognizing that maybe not in every circumstance that's the proper way to go.
00:15:47
Speaker
hu that makes sense. And you you did just touch on it, but I wanted to go into it a bit more about making a mistake in a group. And that would make sense that if if it's sort of ah already a heightened discussion that you wouldn't um maybe dive into that. But if you make a mistake in front of other people, you're in a group and you've realized it,
00:16:07
Speaker
What do you then do? Because it then that adds so much more to it because you're also correcting yourself in front of other people and you're also having to deal with the fact that you just made a mistake in front of other people. So how do you how do you navigate that? I know you they have already touched on it, but could you delve into that a bit more?
00:16:26
Speaker
That's a really tricky one. If you're anything like me, I want to tiptoe tiptoe past my mistakes and like, oh, hopefully nobody heard it. um you know Fingers crossed. ah But unfortunately, likely is, depending on the size of the group, people will have heard it, including the trans or non-binary person.
00:16:46
Speaker
And so that correction um is really key in that moment, mainly because if you have a group of folks who maybe don't know the trans or non-binary person or do, but maybe haven't practiced their pronouns that much, a that just continues to add fuel to the misgendering fire. And so you really want to be on the other side of you know, correcting that for yourself and modeling that for others so that they can see, oh, it actually doesn't take that much time. And it's like, it could be a fluid part of a conversation for somebody to acknowledge and then move on. ah So there's a variety of benefits to to doing that in a group.
00:17:29
Speaker
I would say if a gathering is even bigger, then it becomes even more important. I had a dear friend, we were at a conference over a weekend of 300 people, and the leadership, um and one person in particular,
00:17:46
Speaker
repeatedly misgendered my friend in a way that then everybody else replicated. like that They thought that was correct information and it was soul crushing. It was so awful. They couldn't really stay present for the kind ah conference because of that level of misgendering.
00:18:02
Speaker
when if that person had had enough wherewithal to correct whether in the moment or even after the fact because sometimes people don't realize they're doing it in the moment but if somebody says hey you know you might not have noticed but you misgendered so-and-so um even after the fact to be like hey I misspoke about this individual and I want to correct that this these are the actual proper pronouns That's really powerful for people to be able to adjust accordingly, especially in a group setting. The bigger the group, the more important it is. Is there ever a circumstance where making a mistake is a good thing?
Learning from Mistakes and Building Trust
00:18:40
Speaker
Well, it's really interesting. i
00:18:45
Speaker
I think a lot of mistakes, if people are oriented towards learning, correcting, acknowledging, those are good opportunities. I think sometimes people think of them as a bad thing and they're They shouldn't happen. They should definitely try not to happen. But if they do happen, I think there's a lot of value that comes from it. a People may not realize that they're actually building trust with that individual because you're showing this is important enough for me to say something about and I am acknowledging it in a way ah that I'm
00:19:23
Speaker
Because there are people who dismiss people's pronouns and don't think it's important enough. But if people are correcting, they're showing that this is important and that they care enough to say something. And so there's actually a lot of positive that comes from making that mistake.
00:19:39
Speaker
ah by you showing that you care about this, you know to be matter of fact and then move on in all these kind of dynamics. So I think there's a lot of positive that can come from making mistakes, ah particularly if there's a commitment to practicing and to reducing those mistakes or eliminating them entirely. So I wouldn't shy away from or but really clam up with mistakes. that It's more about relaxing. It's like, okay, I made a mistake. I corrected it. I you know ah you know carried on and um I want to continue to do ah good by this person. So to close off, is there anything else that you would want to add?
00:20:26
Speaker
Yeah, just really encourage folks to think about, I think sometimes correcting um misgendering can seem like this new thing, but it's actually something we already have a practice of correcting ourselves on so many other topics that this is one thing we're adding into the toolkit, if you will.
00:20:46
Speaker
and So, it's not that ah much of a reach, it might be a new practice but it's not something totally, um totally different. And with enough kind of practice around it, it it starts to become much easier as you go along.
Encouraging Regular Practice
00:21:04
Speaker
so just an encouraging note to end on, and ah that if you've got this, it's okay if you make a mistake, where trans people are not expecting 100% accuracy, it's more the willingness to to do this. That is really key, um mainly because a lot of trans people get dismissive approach um kind of ways that people approach this, rather than being very earnest about it.
00:21:30
Speaker
And so that makes a huge difference, even though it may seem simple or small. It is actually not very small. It's a very big deal. So thank you.
Closing and Social Media Presence
00:21:40
Speaker
So where can everyone find you if they want to learn more, Kai?
00:21:45
Speaker
We are on all the social medias, practically. ah So definitely LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, ah threads, if you're more text based, many different options to see ongoing tips and tricks and tools that we offer. We have ongoing posts, so there's always something fresh to to look at. So definitely follow us there. Cool. Well, I guess we'll see you next time then.
00:22:13
Speaker
Excellent. Yeah. Thank you so much. Have a good one. See you. Bye. Bye.