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Bonus Zone Scream Along: Passion of the Crane
53 Plays6 years ago
On this special watch along edition of the podcast Garrett catches Derrick right as he's waking up and forces him to watch a GCW death match from Worst Behavior 2019 in Japan. They enjoy a couple of White Claws and Derrick does a lot of screaming as he has no choice but to take in the brutal violence that his cohost has thrust upon him. So cue up Markus Crane, Eric Ryan & Shlak vs Jun Kasai, Toshiyuki Sakuda, & Takashi Saskai and scream along with the boys!
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Transcript
Introduction and Surprise Deathmatch
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Predetermined, a pro wrestling hangout. I'm your host, Garrett Callender, and with me, as always, a man who literally just got out of bed, Derek Halpin. You're not even gonna let me hydrate first? Say that again? I said, you're not even gonna let me hydrate first? That was Derek's mic check, because he literally, you're holding a bottle of water. You said you need to hydrate, my friend.
00:00:30
Speaker
No. I'm not having a claw yet. Just so everybody knows, it is 9 o'clock in the morning, and Derek- Not even. It's 8.57 on Friday morning, all out weekend. Derek just walked out of a bedroom. I'm holding a white claw. I'm not gonna let him, uh, he's not gonna let me drink alone here. That's the sound of a second claw. And guess what we're doing, Derek? This is a surprise bit that I just came up with 15 minutes ago.
00:00:56
Speaker
And what's the bit? We're doing a watch-along. You just woke up. It is not nine o'clock yet. We're about to watch a deathmatch and drink some white claws. This is the first thing you're going to have seen when you woke up. And if you don't agree to this, I'm gonna release this audio of you being a little bitch.
Setting Up the Deathmatch
00:01:12
Speaker
That's fine, but I kinda gotta pee. That's fine. I can talk to the people while you pee.
00:01:17
Speaker
So I'm gonna get this queued up while Derek goes to the bathroom. I'm gonna put on GCW's worst behavior from Japan from over the last weekend. Derek seems very skeeved out by the idea of the tattoo needle going through Marcus Crane's cheek, and I thought there's no better time for Derek to see that than 9 a.m., all-out weekend, crack open a claw, party right,
00:01:43
Speaker
I can hear the the tankles coming from his body from his apartment. We are in Chicago, Illinois right now. It's the first time I've really had to just kill time on my own. How are you all doing? You guys ready to watch some death matches with us? So how you can see this, I have it pulled up on Fight TV.
Comparing Podcasts and Wrestling
00:02:01
Speaker
Feel free to purchase it on Fight TV if you like. I don't know how else you're going to time this out with us.
00:02:08
Speaker
But we have it paused at 43 minutes and five seconds. Schlack is currently walking out of the curtain holding a light tube in front of his body. That's where it's at. I cannot wait to push play on this and just enjoy it with Derek.
00:02:27
Speaker
here he comes now here's the man no i could talk forever man this is this is easily going to be better than bill burr's podcast eventually when when you eventually either die or leave me uh... that's the only way you're getting out of this podcast if you're going to die before you i don't know you're the one that keeps going to these shows well i don't go to these ones this is you know i there's things that go as well there's things i'd go to japan for and things i wouldn't go to japan for and
00:02:54
Speaker
Honestly, this is maybe one I'd go for. Yeah, I can kind of tell. So this is ruby grapefruit. All right. You had yesterday we tried the black cherry. Black cherry. Black cherries. Yeah. Hey, cheers. Cheers.
00:03:07
Speaker
9 a.m. Let's do this. And how do you start your day, Derek? You start your day with our boy, Slack. So we're queued up at what? Oh, I already told him we're at 4305. I probably hear, you know what? I'm pause it again. Now we're at 4309. Okay. Because I got too excited and press play. So if you think you want to watch this with us,
00:03:27
Speaker
feel free if you just want to hear Derek watch deathmatch wrestling at 9am his beautiful eyes just opened up he doesn't even have a shirt on like he did you have these pants on in bed yeah
00:03:39
Speaker
Didn't sleep. I wasn't naked. Okay, that's fine. So right now we have it paused at 4309. It right now has Schlack and Eric Ryan. It says hate trash disaster and Eric Ryan. They're carrying a lot of light tubes. Hit play in three, two, one, play.
00:04:01
Speaker
And where's this available? This is I have it on fight TV. I figure if they just has that in like a SWAT team. Yeah, like repellent. Yeah, it's a riot. She'll write like tubes. That's creative. Yeah.
00:04:16
Speaker
Marcus crane man. He uh, who did we hear? We heard like Kevin Steen say something about Marcus crane from like a 2002 match Oh the the promo I showed you yesterday. Yeah, it's just weird where I was like 2013 though. Okay. Well, it's weird that you can You know see where everybody's careers went
Derek's Reaction to the Gore
00:04:36
Speaker
It looks fiendish almost
00:04:40
Speaker
Yeah, Marcus Crane standing in the middle of the ring wearing a clown mask holding a fishing pole and a riot a riot shield covered in light tubes Slack looking as good as ever What does that but what does it mean for slack to look good? I mean he's a he looks like a pro wrestler He looks like a villain in a Batman game now like a like a miniboss and
00:05:07
Speaker
Now the Japanese pro wrestlers are about to enter the room on this one and these guys are some fucked up dudes. I think everybody involved in this, including the people in the stands, are a little fucked up.
00:05:20
Speaker
Garrett, I'm not a fan of the ruby red grapefruit. Yeah, of the flavors, it's my least favorite. So I think that's also possibly the best. So that's how you chose to start my day. Yeah. Was the worst. Look at this. This guy came out holding a stick with a mannequin head and a circular saw blade. How many people in the crowd right now do you think are having their first wrestling experience right now?
00:05:48
Speaker
I think that they knew what they were into for this one. Well, I'm sure most of the people knew, but somebody's also certainly having their first, right? Every show has somebody's first, right? It's kind of like how every time you watch a movie and you see one that sucks, you're like, what's weird is this is somebody's favorite movie. Yeah. Yeah.
00:06:10
Speaker
And see, not this dude. This is the fucked up dude. Like, this guy, his body is 90% scar tissue. And he wears these little goggles. Like, that flicks. When Leah saw him, she just said, who loves this man? Does he have somebody that loves him at home? Does anybody love these men? And I said, well, I think us. But who's the girl that's in a relationship with Schlack? Oh, Maria Manic? Yeah. She just signed a ring of honor.
00:06:40
Speaker
You wouldn't think that Schlack would be able to get somebody to love him for all that he is, but... But she's also a deathmatch lady, so, you know... A deathmatch lady.
00:06:52
Speaker
GC dub. So I was I mean the side note while we're prepping for this match to start. Oh, it's going. Oh, okay. Bell rang dudes are slapping. This is I can't honestly really this is all just build up to get into you to be able to see that needle go through. I didn't want to see it. And that's how you're I'm starting my day.
00:07:13
Speaker
Yeah, don't you think, though, that this would make for good content? It's probably, yeah, I mean, I get it. Aren't you a little proud of how I ambushed you walking out of your bedroom door with this already set up? Yes and no. There could have been an emergency. Like, I could have had to take, like, a dump or something for, like, 20 minutes, and you would have just been out here killing time. I could have done it, too. I was ready. I guess you could have, like, wired the mic up under the door. I could have narrated. How do you feel about this man's haircut?
00:07:44
Speaker
which one the guy who is like kind of got like the bald on top with the ring around the side but he's shaved the back of it off so it's just two it's instead of a full ring around the head it's two little splotches yeah um also the probably the weapon in this aside from the tattoo needle that fucks me up the most is there's a board covered in bent forks
00:08:06
Speaker
to where you're only gonna hit that so it has no room to bend anymore. It's a little sad that I'm at that point with Deathmatch Wrestling where I'm like, oh, nothing surprises me. See, meat cleaver still surprised me. That would just seem too violent. What is the difference between a meat cleaver and a razor blade to you? Why is one like, oh, I get it.
00:08:29
Speaker
And then the other one's like, no way. Well, the razor blade I know for sure is really sharp and can get the job done really quickly. Oh! Oh! What's happening? Oh, he has a fork in his head. Shut the fuck. Don't act like you're immune to this. Oh, no. He's got a little fork in his head. And he's just dealing with it? And he's, uh, did it come out? Did he still got it? I hope it came out, yeah. What are we doing?
00:08:57
Speaker
Somebody, that person I was referencing
Intense Moments in the Match
00:09:00
Speaker
a few minutes ago, whose this is their first match is, this is not what I expected at all with professional wrestling. You watch this trash? You watch, what's the word people like to use? This hogwash? Would you describe this match as hogwash? Yes. We haven't even gotten to the bad stuff yet. Fucking schlack is jacked. On a scale from hogwash to five calendar burritos. Where do you run? This is pure hogwash.
00:09:30
Speaker
Do you wish you were in the room for something like this? I mean, we kind of have been, but yeah, not this. I mean, based on what you've told me, if I could transport us to this room in our current state, which is both, I would hate you infinitely. That would cause I am so vulnerable. I have no shoes on. I'd be stepping on fucking light tubes. I would look like a guy participating in the match and they might confuse me for somebody that they need to jam a fork into their forehead over.
00:10:00
Speaker
I like this move. Just pick up Marcus Crane, chuck him on some dudes, kinda. A sack of shit. Throwing him like a sack of shit onto the floor. This hogwash. Make sure that chair is placed appropriately so that you can take a bump.
00:10:26
Speaker
So far the worst thing you've seen is a German suplex onto an unfolded chair. Worst thing I've seen is a guy taking a fork into the fucking forehead. I forgot about that. How do you- Child's play. Yeah, sure. Just so you know, we are standing in Derek's kitchen because I had to position this to where I was ready the second he walked out of his room. Alabama slam onto some light tubes? Hell yeah, I love an Alabama slam there. Bob Holly somewhere is...
00:10:53
Speaker
That is the weakest fucking Boston crab in history, Schlack. That is the weak, oh god. How's the chair shot to the face? Oh, just do it. That chair seemed pretty weak. Like, I'm not even upset about the chair shot to the head. Are you sure? We can't really... Okay, is that a laptop? No, that was the part of the chair that broke off. It looked like a laptop. I thought that was a creative weapon.
00:11:19
Speaker
Marcus Crane's slaps are ridiculous. Garrett, what's funny is knowing these are professional wrestlers doing this. I know for a fact that if there were shards of glass scattered around my kitchen floor right now, that you would get the fuck out of here from stepping on them once.
00:11:47
Speaker
Oh! Oh! There's that Midwest Hope coming out of my mouth. Here we go. Here we go, Derek. Derek, you ready to party? No, no, no! You are a fucking asshole! Oh, the needle's going through my... What the fuck?! He just takes it!
00:12:08
Speaker
Marcus Crane now has a tattoo needle through both sides of his cheeks. I feel like I'm gonna throw up and also now a fish hook through his lip Oh just to add a little insult to injury and now he has to wrestle with this Oh, you're an asshole. We're making me watch this. What the fuck are we doing? Just so you know I watched this through my fingers when I was alone and now I'm like wide awake 9 a.m. White claw on it horrifying
00:12:32
Speaker
They're giving them some line. You're buying me a fucking breakfast sandwich after I watch this shit. Hell yeah. I'm actually trying to end that. If you're... I can't believe... Oh, this is the worst thing I have ever seen. You think an Egg McMuffin? I don't... I don't fucking give a shit. I am fucking traumatized. What's crazy is they haven't even started doing wrestling moves. I know! When they start doing the moves. Look, I watch... 619 to the needle.
00:13:07
Speaker
Everyone involved in this. Fuck everyone who bought a ticket. He wants to tag so bad. I bet he does. What the fuck are we doing? Oh, they drag him around by his cheeks a lot. Oh, I bet. Because you just bring him to that corner, you can hold on to that as long as you want. He can't get away.
00:13:30
Speaker
Oh, now he's got fucking diseases. Well, it looks like he just got a Red Bull spit in his eyes. Oh, but that man's spit. Why'd you pull the mic away? I didn't want it to be too loud. Oh, this is this is he's windmilling him around by the cheeks. Here we go. Even just a body slam with that in your face seems like it hurts extra.
00:13:55
Speaker
Keep in mind that was onto glass as well. Ahhh! You can see it! You can see it through his open mouth. What are we doing? And he's so proud. Sticking that tongue out. So fucking proud. Who would agree to do this? Marcus Crane. Apparently. What do you think the last book he read was? Do you think he's ever read a book? I think that's a bad presumption. He's on a lot of airplanes. I'm sure he reads.
00:14:21
Speaker
I'm glad you gave me the worst White Claw to deal with this. Yeah, I really wanted this to not be a pleasant experience for you. I thought it might make for better audio. Clearly. Well, what's happening in the match, Derek? Well, why doesn't he just reach up and fucking take it out? Like,
Humor and Banter Post-Match
00:14:36
Speaker
right now? I feel like, ooh! Yeah, every time he moves. Shh!
00:14:46
Speaker
He like that was a super kick that connected with that needle 100% Yeah, let's clear. Let's clear the ring Schlack's like enough. Oh Yeah, let's get more dangerous shit in here because this man has an a knife through his face This is the fucking passion of the Christ
00:15:13
Speaker
He even looks a little Jesus-y. What? I'm glad we didn't see this. That's my favorite match review I've ever heard. This is Passion of the Christ. It is! Oh, Marcus. Yes. Never has dropping somebody on light tubes been more satisfying than a man doing it in self-defense.
00:15:45
Speaker
He just threw it into the crowd oh You could have been sitting there and a fucking needle comes flying my shirtless ass Taking a fucking AIDS needle now. What's happening? I describe that I don't know what that was a circular saw blade stuck through a mannequin head like a mohawk Yeah, that's creative shit. It is
00:16:07
Speaker
What do we got here? Oh, we got some kebab skewers. But really, though, after needle through the face, everything else is just you're just like happy. That's still pretty gross. Oh, that's still pretty gross. I take that back. That's still pretty fucked up. I retract my statement. Just watching a man with no family or friends, bunch of kebabs. And every bump still involves taking glass in the back.
00:16:34
Speaker
yeah just that's what's fucked up is like that's a pretty good german suplex it's not a bad german but it was also wanted can we talk about the fact that when we were kids and it was like christmas morning and your mom would come in and be like oh it's christmas day oh cannonball into buccabob skewers in the head uh that's a that's a quick way to just you chose to wake me up today
00:16:57
Speaker
Hey, Derek. It's deathmatch time. This is what that Evanescence song was about. Wake me up. I can't wake up. Marcus Crane's got a knife in his face. Save me. Call my name and move the fucking board. Are those forks? This is the bent fork board. See what I mean? When they're bent like that and they have no room to go anywhere but in? That's kind of fucked.
00:17:31
Speaker
Right now, he's asking, why do we do what we do? No, no, grab him. Don't let him go. He's just doing life with a fucking kebab out of his fucking head. Just doing life. He's just fucking living, existing. It's my life. And I got a kebab in my face.
00:17:53
Speaker
Oh, you please, by all means. How does a regular wrestling move sit with you at this point? Like, well, if the man doing it is bleeding and has things sticking out of his body. It's a nice snap back to reality for me. See, he really should have gotten this shield from the beginning. That could have maybe not let the face stuff happen to him. I agree. Do you think it's kind of noble of him to return to the match after that?
00:18:20
Speaker
Noble. Crazy. Or is he just trying to protect his friends? Ah! That looked like a little stiff pile driver, Derek. Well, the fucking kebabs finally out.
00:18:32
Speaker
It just went further in. You just can't see it anymore. It's in his fucking brain. Did he blow snot on him? He did, and that was a lot of snot. That's fucking gross. Yeah, go ahead. You get an infection probably for that. Just accept that. Hold it for him, in fact. A man, for those that are just listening to this at work, the guy that's scary just broke a light tube open and cut open his own chest and is now about to... See, I like that he puts on his flight goggles before he goes off top. Yeah, accept that. Oh, he slipped.
00:18:59
Speaker
Accept that mercury into your bloodstream, my friend. Alright, so he's going flying onto a board, onto light tubes, onto a man. That was Grandmaster Sexe-esque. It was. It's like one, two... That's not how you went losing this. This is borderline New Japan levels of ridiculousness with professions. Just fucking end it. Okay, now it's over, right? Do you think a pile driver kills a man?
00:19:28
Speaker
Yeah, I guess so. There's the end of the match. The absurdity of that question and the answer being, yeah, I guess it does. Well, you think a pile driver kills a man. Yeah. Oh, shake hands, please.
00:19:51
Speaker
That was they're giving the finger to the GCW boys. Yeah. Well, I'm giving the finger to everybody That I can see on this screen. I don't think we're gonna be seeing any of these guys tonight That's not a bad thing Well, don't you have a few questions for Marcus? No, I don't have any questions if he's at the show tonight Do you have a single question for him? Oh
00:20:13
Speaker
Would you, have I had to? Well, I think honestly, if he's there, we should go ask him a couple questions. I would ask, if I had to ask Marcus Crane one question, it'd be like, how do you continue just doing your job with a fucking needle rammed through your head? Would you do drugs with Marcus Crane? No. Why would you think the answer is yes? Because maybe it makes this easier to- Do I do drugs with you? No. I've known you for 30 plus years and I don't do drugs with you. Why, oh, Marcus Crane- Well, I don't do drugs either.
00:20:42
Speaker
white claw you holding up a claw like this it's a drug technically but yeah uh do you think this was a nice way to nice little 21 minute way to wake up your your friday morning i guess because now it feels even more imperative that i shower
00:20:59
Speaker
Are you going to think about this the whole time? Yeah, absolutely. I can just assure you. Well, what's fun is we don't know when this is going to be released because this was just a surprise fun thing. Fuck, you could release this while I'm in the shower. I can't understand what's what's holding you back.
00:21:14
Speaker
Honestly, I could get this edited and put up in the next half hour and people would be surprised that this happened today. Yeah. What's stopping you? You don't get to edit it. That's true. I can't. I have it right here. But I'm saying you can't edit anything that's in real time because you can't cut stuff out. You're right. I just have to go in and adjust our audio levels. Adjust the audio, chop off the top and the end.
00:21:38
Speaker
add some music yeah yeah hell yeah man give them proper instructions on how to fucking i guess we can't even do music on this one because we didn't he gets you could throw it up top if you really wanted to if i wanted to hey they don't need to hear all the behind like on the one hand i'm really pissed off this is how you chose to start my day on the other hand you get it kudos to you
00:21:59
Speaker
Like I feel a little taken advantage of but also For the good of the film. Yeah, it was one where I knew there was a strong possibility you wouldn't allow this to happen That's why I said I'm releasing this audio regardless of if you Accept or not so that people know that they missed out on something good. That's borderline blackmail. It was is that a crime I think mail somebody into watching violence and
00:22:24
Speaker
We'll have to look at the regulations and laws on how you can treat other people. Yeah. Can, is that legal? Can I legally kind of, but I'm in my own house.
Reflecting on the Chaos
00:22:34
Speaker
So I don't know how people would more extortion a little bit, like where people were going to know that you wouldn't do a funny thing. Let's be fair. The first time I went to a death match event was kind of extortion too. Yeah, but less.
00:22:49
Speaker
No, more because it was live. At least I had the safety of time and space between this. So now that you saw that though, how fucked up is it that this is followed by a long comedy match? It's a palate cleanser. And the comedy match coming up next is the one that gets the holy shit chant.
00:23:09
Speaker
Yeah, well, I mean, how do you have the composure to chant anything when you're seeing a guy get drug around the ring with a fucking, like he's a horse. Do you know how horses have the little fucking thing you can grab and then like lead them? No, Marcus Crane got led around the ring. That's fucked up, Garrett. I'm glad that that's out of the way. Yeah, I never have to watch that again, do I? No, no, it had to happen once though. And, you know, ruby grapefruit, worse flavor, still not like terrible.
00:23:39
Speaker
Like, but it's not, like, you wouldn't go buy a box of it on its own, but when you get a multi-pack, you're gonna finish it. But they sell a box of it on its own. I'm glad I passed over this. If this had been the first white claw I had, I would've been like, ugh. Every fla- you know? Every movie's... Every movie's... Every movie's someone's favorite movie. Somebody likes a grapefruit. That's true. Somebody loves grapefruit. Alright, Derek, well, thanks for accepting, uh, this crime that I committed to you this morning, and... Thanks for taking advantage of me.
00:24:04
Speaker
Like you said, go clean your body in that shower and I'll go buy you a breakfast sandwich. Right. In her goddamn music.