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Overcoming the Need to Justify
4.4k Plays2 years ago
This episode is all about justification, and why as humans we feel the need to justify our actions and words constantly. Over the years, I have learned that there are times where justification can enhance connection and vulnerability, however there are many times where justification can leave us feeling weak and regretful.
Sometimes we use justification as a form of self sabotage when it comes to achieving our goals - this is why it is so important to actually identify when you are justifying and why. It’s an important part of your self development journey, as it can have a flow on effect in regards to how you value yourself, which has a direct impact on your manifestations.
In this episode we also chat about identifying people in your life who may manipulate you into feeling the need to justify and over share for their benefit only. Saying no without feeling guilty or the need to justify is powerful - however in some situations, I believe a little bit of justification is needed out of respect. I chat openly about all of this in today’s episode! Hope you enjoy.
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The Pass Around the Smile podcast is recorded on Bundjalung Country, in South East Queensland, Australia. We acknowledge the Yugambeh people of the Bundjalung Nation, the traditional owners of this land. We pay our respects to Elders past, present and emerging.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Pass Around the Smile'
00:00:03
Speaker
Pass around the smile is like your go-to friend, the one that lifts you up and backs you to the end. She's there to guide and inspire, challenge and teach, and remind you that your best self isn't out of reach. Self-development, manifestation, self-love and more, it's time to trust the process more than ever before.
00:00:22
Speaker
Welcome to Pass Around the Smile, the
Why Do We Justify Our Actions?
00:00:24
Speaker
podcast. I'm your host, Cleo Massey, and I am so glad you're here. Let the magic begin. Hello and welcome back to another Pass Around the Smile podcast episode, as you will have seen from the title. Today's episode is all about why we justify. Why as humans, we feel this need to constantly justify what we're doing, why we're doing it, or if we're saying no, justifying why we're saying no.
00:00:51
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There's a lot to unpack here.
Pros and Cons of Justifying Actions
00:00:53
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I've actually had the topic of justification and why we justify on my podcast little notes app for so long, like literally since the podcast started, but it just hasn't felt right until now. I personally, I am a justifier. I justify why I do things all the time when I definitely don't need to. And in this episode, I'm going to kind of go over
00:01:20
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a lot of the cons of justifying, but also why I think sometimes there is actually a need to justify a little bit. So I'm kind of, I'm on the fence here. I wouldn't say I'm on the fence. I'm over the fence. I don't think that as humans we need to justify.
00:01:38
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anywhere near as much as we do however i do think there is a time and place where justification actually brings that beautiful vulnerability and connection that we all crave so hear me out and let's chat about it so if you are a person who constantly feels the need to explain yourself
00:01:58
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It's most likely coming from a place of fawning or people pleasing and I've chatted about this on the podcast before It's a very normal human
Justification and People-Pleasing
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behavior. So if this is you if you're like, yep, that's me I don't want you to feel bad. I don't want you feel like oh gosh She's speaking right into my soul and I'm the only person that feels this way Because you're absolutely not justifying or feeling that need to justify is
00:02:26
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not only a form of people pleasing which is natural because of course we want to please other people of course we want other people to feel good feel liked or feel heard and on the other side of course we want to feel liked and feel heard and sometimes we get that from justifying ourselves especially if there has been a situation where there was like a confrontation or something happened at work there was a misunderstanding
00:02:49
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we want to kind of justify our case and why we were right or why, you know, we should be respected more or we should be appreciated more. Like, this is normal. But justification in that way, I guess, is a form of, it's a protective mechanism, right? We're trying to protect ourselves and that's okay.
00:03:10
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but we can do it in better ways. We can absolutely do it in better ways, but of course we jump to that justification because it's almost like a quick fix. I've chatted lots on the podcast about how as humans we often feel very guilty for saying no and I've kind of talked about how we can work on releasing that guilt and saying no without feeling that guilt. Same goes for justification.
00:03:37
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How do we say no without feeling the need to justify exactly why we are saying no?
When Justification is Unnecessary
00:03:44
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So I agree and disagree with this.
00:03:47
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I agree with this when it really depends on the situation and it depends on who you were dealing with. Let's say it's someone that you're not very close with. It's a colleague or it's an acquaintance that you ran into at the supermarket. Yeah, you don't need to justify why you haven't called them or why you didn't turn up to work last week. I think in situations like that, we really need to step into our power and go actually,
00:04:17
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No, my energy is not better spent justifying my actions to this person that I hardly know or to this person that I only have a professional relationship with. I think then we do really need to kind of self-reflect and be like, actually, this is not the time and place. However, sometimes I think justification is not only needed, but is also helpful for that open communication and that connection that we crave through
00:04:46
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vulnerability with our closest friends and family. So let's say for example we have a friend who reaches out and they really need our help, they're going through a tough time and right now you are going through a tough time as well and you actually don't have the capacity to go and sit with them and to listen and to help in the way that you would love to but right now you just can't, you don't have the energy.
Empowerment in Saying 'No' Without Justification
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First of all that is absolutely okay, second of all
00:05:14
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you can say no without feeling guilty absolutely yes because that's just where you are right now third of all this sounds weird saying third of all but i would say that just saying no with no justification in this example is a little disheartening for the other person and can block that connection that you maybe once had and
00:05:42
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I think it's really important to reflect on when justification is necessary and when it's not. So I would say in this case being open and saying actually you know I am having a really hard time myself. I'm not comparing what I'm going through with you at all. We're both struggling in different ways but right now like I just I can't come around or I can't meet for coffee. If there's any way that I can help you
00:06:12
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So, see, even like I'm fawning in this response because it's like, it's that natural need that you want to help and I am so guilty of this. I'm so guilty of giving too much when I don't have that much in the first place to give and you heard it. I did it just then and I'm going to leave this on the podcast to be open and vulnerable with you guys and to be honest about how I have struggled with this in the past.
00:06:38
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But justifying why in a way that makes your friend or your family member feel loved and heard and supported at the same time as you backing away, it can be done. And I think that you will gain far more respect from the other person by doing that than just saying, no, sorry, because there's this, um,
00:07:04
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I guess it's become quite popular on social media and through self-help blogs and self-development podcasts and stuff. And you know, I've said it on mine as well, I would admit, like saying no feels quite powerful.
00:07:19
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And you can step into your power in some situations and say no with no justification and no feeling of guilt and walk away being like, yes, like this is me now, I'm growing, I'm learning, I'm honoring myself by saying no and not letting any energy like reside around that. Yes, sometimes that is so powerful and so great. But I think in a situation like this, and there are many other situations I could kind of bring up as well,
00:07:44
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I think that there is a little bit of justification needed in order to show respect to that person that you're dealing with and not going so far the other way where you feel almost entitled in, I don't have to explain anything to you because I am stepping into my power. I'm on this self-development journey.
00:08:09
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And I am saying no to everything that doesn't serve me because let's say right now it would not serve you to go and meet this friend because you know that this friend is going to bring you down energetically and you're going to leave feeling emotionally exhausted. So yeah, it won't serve you. But in this situation, really checking in and being like, is that?
00:08:30
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stepping into the entitled version of me that actually doesn't fit in with my beliefs and values or do I need to just give a little bit of an explanation, a little bit of a justification as to why I'm saying no and then move on. So that's kind of why I do agree and disagree with, you know, justification when and why and when we should and when we shouldn't. Sometimes the justification
00:08:55
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that you are providing other people with is actually just none of their business. So this is kind of moving out of the family and friends or it can still be you might have family and friends in your life who seem to have a way of talking to you. I don't want to use the word manipulative but I guess it can be manipulative in some sense and you might have someone in your life that talks to you in this way that all of a sudden you are
00:09:24
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delving out your deepest, darkest secrets and you are oversharing to try and get this approval that has somehow been sucked out of you from this other person. I'm not sure if this is making sense, so I'll keep going on it. But basically what I'm trying to say is that when we're feeling weak,
00:09:45
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we may have people that prey on that weakness to get more out of us, to make them feel better. So really recognizing who these people are in your lives and how they are exactly doing it. So you can recognize it and be like, actually in this moment, the way that you're talking is making me feel like I have to give you an answer and I have to give you a justification and a reason, but I actually don't.
00:10:12
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because it's none of your business. And again, it's going to depend who, it's going to depend what the situation is. But I've noticed that I have had many, many conversations in the past
00:10:27
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where I have overshared and walked away being like, why did I say that? Why did I offer this up? Why did I give that? And it's because of the language
Self-Justification: Sabotage or Defense?
00:10:37
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used from the other person. Now, I'm not just putting all the blame on the other person. I'm putting the blame on me as well for not honoring myself in that moment.
00:10:47
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because I gave everything away because I felt like I needed or I wanted approval from this person or I wanted this person to get what they wanted out of the conversation or I wanted this person to walk away thinking that, oh, you know, Cleo has done the right thing or she has tried or she has whatever the situation is. Because for me personally, there were so many years where I was justifying why I wasn't getting the acting jobs.
00:11:15
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I was saying things like, it's a tough industry. I was saying, oh, it doesn't matter what you, you know, how good you are at acting, it just matters that if you fit the role, oh, I didn't get that role because, you know, oh, it's filming in Vancouver and they picked someone in Vancouver instead. And I, yeah, I probably would have been good for it, but, and justify, justify, justify, it doesn't make me feel any better.
00:11:38
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It doesn't give the other person anything, so you're just wasting your energy in this kind of vicious cycle. So really figuring out
00:11:47
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If the justification, if the reasoning that you are giving someone else, be them close to you or not close to you, is valid, is of importance, is any of their business. As I mentioned before, sometimes justification is purely just a protective mechanism to prove to others like why we didn't achieve a certain thing or why we said a certain thing or why we didn't do a certain thing.
00:12:17
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And it can be used to defend ourselves and like prove a point, right? And often when we're in that fight or flight mode, when something has happened and we just need to react, we can react through justification. And the justification in that sense often isn't thought out. So we are probably going to end up saying things that we regret, things that maybe make the situation worse. And it's in this time that again,
00:12:44
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You need to kind of just step back, self-reflect, and sometimes some acknowledgement is needed on your behalf. Let's say you have done something that was out of alignment with who you are, your beliefs, your values. You said something that was a bit yucky.
00:13:00
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You definitely regret it and you feel guilty, but instead of acknowledging it, instead of apologizing, you jump to the justification of why you said it, which can be very, very normal because of course we want to protect ourselves. And of course, trying to protect ourselves and justify our reasons is going to be easier than acknowledging and taking accountability.
Accountability vs. Justification
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But check in with how the justification feels. Does it feel desperate?
00:13:30
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Does it feel really forced? Most of the time, justification does because that is essentially what we are doing. We are trying to force our opinions and our beliefs on someone else to change their way of thinking about a person or a situation. And sure, you might get a temporary feeling of satisfaction when that person is like, oh, I get why you said that thing now, or I get why this happened.
00:13:59
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But at the end of the day, you're still going to walk away feeling like crap if that thing that you did was out of alignment with who you are. If you said something out of anger or jealousy or judgment, again, we're human, we do it, it's totally fine. But the most powerful and inspiring thing that you can do is take accountability. If you haven't listened to my episode on taking accountability, it's the Taylor Swift lyric,
00:14:25
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Uh, it's me. Hi, I'm the problem. It's me. That's what the episode is called. And it's a powerful one. This is the self development stuff that is uncomfortable and is yucky. And you might be listening to what I'm saying, being like, Oh, I do that.
00:14:41
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this is what's exciting and this is the stuff that actually makes the changes and I think what's so exciting about like a self-development journey is the fact that you could be one realization away from any kind of topic be it justification be it self-love be it
00:15:01
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self judgment or whatever it is, you could be one realization away from everything kind of clicking into place and making sense.
Breaking the Habit of Justification
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Your block from moving forward could be that you are constantly justifying everything that you do. And if you are
00:15:18
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a people pleaser, if you are trying to form to fit in, whether it's with friends, family, colleagues at work, if you are that kind of person by nature, that is a huge block in manifesting what it is that you want because you are not honoring who you are and what you want and what you deserve. So you could be literally stopping yourself from manifesting your dream life because you are constantly justifying what it is that you are doing and why it is that you are doing it.
00:15:48
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And that justification comes from a place of not quite belonging, not feeling sure of yourself and who you are and your actions. And if you don't feel sure of yourself and who you are, then you're not feeling worthy and deserving of what you want, are you? Because you're feeling self-conscious. You're feeling here, there, and everywhere. You're lacking clarity.
00:16:12
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So I think this is a bigger topic than I initially thought, actually, now that I'm like discussing it and getting into it. But I think we kind of look at justification as just like one of those things. It's like, oh, yeah, I do it, but I well. But I think it could have a bigger flow on effect than you think. Now, what about justification to yourself?
00:16:32
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I know I personally will justify things like, oh, well, I can have a chocolate milkshake tonight because, you know, I only have had one today. I've already had one today, so it would only mean it's two. You know, that's fine. Like, I didn't have one yesterday, so I can have two milkshakes today.
00:16:54
Speaker
That is a form of justification and there is a time and place for it, 100%, but I want you to look at, is your justification a form of self-sabotage? So, okay, let's use my example. The other day, I wanted two milkshakes, okay? I can't eat, well, I can eat chocolate since being pregnant, but it tastes like crap.
00:17:19
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It literally tastes like nothing. And before I got pregnant, I was like chocolate a day kind of girl and not like a little freddo, not a few Maltesers. I was like a half a block a day kind of girl. And you know what? Whatever. I love it. Loved it.
00:17:36
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And literally from week two of pregnancy, chocolate just started to taste like nothing. And the aftertaste was awful. But I keep trying. I don't know why I keep trying it. Like I keep buying it and keep disappointing myself. Like I'm setting myself up for failure anyway. I'm close now, guys. And I'm due around Easter. How good is that? How good is that?
00:17:59
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So as soon as this baby comes out, hopefully my mouth is restored and chocolate tastes amazing. Anyway, oh my gosh, I'm going off track. Point of the story is that chocolate milkshakes actually taste really good still for me. Thank you, universe. So the other day I really wanted two. You know what? In my case, the other day I was justifying in my head why it was okay that I had two. I was like, I didn't have one yesterday. Maybe I won't have one tomorrow. I'm gonna have two today.
00:18:26
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And for me in that moment, I did self-reflect and I was like, actually, I think this justification is fine because I'm pregnant. I am hormonal. I had a cry that day for many, many reasons. And you know what? I freaking deserved two milkshakes that day and I deserve not to feel guilty about it. So that justification I decided was absolutely fine and I let it go.
00:18:50
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However, what we need to do is we need to understand when our own self-justification is a form of self-sabotage. So for example, let's say that you've set out a goal to exercise four times a week, to go on a walk, let's say four times a week.
00:19:07
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And it gets to the third or fourth day in a row that you haven't gone for a walk. And again, you're justifying why you should stay in bed and scroll on your phone. You might think, oh, you know, I'm a bit sore today. Um, it's probably better if I just have a slow morning before work because I don't want to overwhelm myself and I don't want to be late and I do have to wash my hair. So like, yeah, no, I, I'm not going to have time. I think in that,
00:19:35
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Kind of situation where it's gone on for too long. I know I've just said three or four days But if you had a set goal and you keep justifying Reasons as to why you are not working on achieving that
The Impact of Self-Justification on Personal Goals
00:19:49
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goal. I think that justification is definitely a form of self-sabotage
00:19:53
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And when you grab other things like, oh I don't have enough time, or no I should calm myself before work, not go out on a walk. Well if a walk is going to calm you, it's going to have you feeling really proud, it's going to have you feeling healthier and fitter, and you do have time. Saying I don't have time is
00:20:14
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absolutely eliminating belief because you do have time, you can create time for yourself. So I think that is kind of an example of justification where it's probably not helpful and it's probably a form of self-sabotage. But at Pass Around the Smile I'm all about being realistic and that's why I wanted to share my milkshake example because
00:20:34
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On some days, yeah, maybe you really actually don't want to walk and it's better on that day that you don't walk. But when it's getting on and on and on and the excuses are becoming kind of like the excuses aren't making sense.
00:20:49
Speaker
then a bit of self-reflection is needed. I think as a wrap up of today's episode, I think as humans, we definitely feel the need to justify far too often. I want you to be able to step in your power. I want you to be able to say no without justifying why you're saying no. I want you to feel really empowered in your conversations when a conversation may be starting to get a little bit manipulative or a little bit desperate.
00:21:18
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I want you to be able to feel really proud of how much information you are willing to give and feel powerful in knowing that's all you had to say and walking away feeling like proud of yourself of how far you've come with
00:21:36
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that need to justify or that need to impress others or that need to gain approval.
Contextual Justification in Relationships
00:21:42
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But on the different side of things, I want you to be able to understand when a little bit of justification is actually going to be helpful for you.
00:21:52
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for your relationship, for your friendship, for your work partnership. Maybe you have been sick from work, for example, for, you know, four days in a row and you had some huge presentation with, you know, a close colleague of yours at work. Maybe, you know, a little bit of honesty there is needed.
00:22:15
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You know, look, I was sick, but then I started getting anxious about the fact that I missed so much work. So I took a couple more days off. Like, I'm so sorry if I let you down. I think that I personally think that that is okay. And of course, it depends how close you are with this colleague. It depends on exactly how you're feeling, but really just checking in with what type of justification feels good for you and feels like actually this could enhance our relationship and our communication. What kind of
00:22:44
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justification feels really forced and has you feeling weak? I think we'll end there yeah because we don't want to feel weak and I think justification can make us feel weak and can make us feel really used at time at times when it is
00:23:01
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being drawn out from us from the wrong type of people, or for the wrong reasons. I hope you enjoyed this episode. I hope you're having an amazing day or night, wherever you're listening
Community Interaction and Personal Updates
00:23:12
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to this. I am constantly amazed, guys. I can see where you're listening from.
00:23:17
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there's like a map of the world in my analytics and you guys are all over the world like you're listening to my podcast all over the world and it just makes me so happy so yeah reach out in the facebook community or on instagram um sometimes i miss dms but i make sure i read all comments so yeah reach out if you have any questions too that you want me to address on the podcast i am trying to pump out
00:23:42
Speaker
Some pre-recorded episodes now. At the moment, I am 34 weeks pregnant. So crazy. I'm getting so close. So yeah, I feel like I don't know when I'm gonna have to stop. I don't know when I'm having this baby. So it's just such a wild time. I'm really learning to surrender and let go. It's like the most I've ever had to. And I can't wait to explain more to you guys about this crazy, crazy, crazy journey that I'm on.
00:24:10
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Anyway, you're all amazing. I'll talk to you soon.