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Overthinking w/ Lauren Henderson
18 Plays2 years ago
In today’s episode, I’m joined by another Lauren who is basically my twin. Lauren Henderson is a self-proclaimed creative dabbler. She’s been an engineer for consulting firms for twelve years and is specialized in technical editing and quality control. Throughout most of those years, she’s had creative side hustles, including book review blogging, selling used books, making pottery, and freelance editing. After deciding to pursue freelance editing about two and a half years ago, she ran into roadblocks around mindset and childhood trauma and since then has been leaning into her creativity as a way back to herself and her purpose. Her current creative hobbies include watercolor, writing, energy work practices, and most recently, performing in a musical.
We talk about how easy it is to get stuck in our heads about creative pursuits, either holding ourselves back entirely or fixating on things to save us from how we’re feeling. It’s so easy to let our minds run the show and get stuck on a hamster wheel of perfectionism and inaction. What Lauren has come to learn is that getting back into our bodies and learning to recognize our own creative spirits can help us break the cycle. And you just might find that it’s not as scary as you thought it would be! To stay in touch with Lauren, you can follow her on Instagram @laurehender.
References:
Puttylike
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to the Ugly Podcast
00:00:03
Speaker
Welcome to the Ugly Podcast. I'm your host, Lauren Alexander, she, they, and this is the place where creatives are encouraged to make messy, ugly art and let go of perfectionism.
00:00:14
Speaker
I started this podcast with my creative partner, Emerson, and we've since grown into
Lauren's Creative Journey
00:00:18
Speaker
our businesses. And this podcast is now evolving into a space where I interview other creatives to discuss our creative processes and how we navigate the mental mind field of creativity. This podcast serves as a reminder that you and your art get to be whatever the hell you want to be, ugly and all.
Guest Introduction: Lauren Henderson
00:00:40
Speaker
So one of the things I found is that since I started inviting guests onto the podcast, I miss having a conversational intro. And I have to just jump in and just be like, welcome. And then I feel weird. So that's why I'm- You want me to say welcome to? Yeah. Welcome, everyone. Perfect. That's exactly what I needed. Thank you. I got you.
00:01:10
Speaker
Welcome everybody to the Ugly Podcast. I'm here with my amazing guest who refers to herself as a creative dappler. She has been an engineer for consulting firms for 12 years and is specialized in technical editing and quality control.
00:01:25
Speaker
Throughout most of those years, she's had creative side hustles, including book review blogging, selling used books, making pottery, and freelance editing. After deciding to pursue freelance editing, about two and a half years ago, she ran into a lot of roadblocks around mindset and childhood trauma. And since then has been leading into her creative side as a way back to herself and her purpose. Her current creative hobbies include watercolor, writing, and energy work practices.
00:01:54
Speaker
Welcome. Would you please state your name and your pronouns for us?
Freelance Editing and Childhood Trauma
00:01:59
Speaker
Yes. My name is Lauren Henderson and my pronouns are she her. Amazing. Thank you. And I feel like I'm just talking to myself, one, because your name is Lauren and two, because that intro about like started freelance editing ran into all these roadblocks and childhood trauma. I'm like, ding, ding, ding. Like, hello. Is that me? Is that my intro? Yeah.
00:02:17
Speaker
I took a dive into some fun depression times. It's all good. Yep. I know. I know exactly what you, what you mean. We'll get back to that. But for now, um, yeah, tell, tell the listeners, tell me more about yourself and, um, your history with creativity.
Switching Hobbies and Creative Identity
00:02:41
Speaker
What, what brought you to this place and how were you as a kid? All that good stuff.
00:02:47
Speaker
Well, I feel like you said a lot about myself already. I feel like one of my things with creativity is I've just always, well, I guess, yeah, I'm a creative dabbler and I jump around to different hobbies or I start something and I'm really proud of myself. And then I later decide to just change it up and I kind of try to dig into a lot of that of why I do that.
00:03:16
Speaker
think sometimes it's a good thing. And sometimes I do it for unhealthy reasons. So I think that's something we can get into more. But I feel like that's a big thing about me and something that I'm still learning to understand. So let's take it back to my childhood. I have come to understand over
Rediscovering Childhood Creativity
00:03:44
Speaker
the past, I would say six or seven years, that I was a very creative child, although as an adult before then, I honestly viewed myself as not a creative person, like that I couldn't, I would have never thought of myself as an artist, or even a creator. I used to, I remember I used to tell people that I was crafty, but I wasn't an artist, like very adamantly, and I've,
00:04:13
Speaker
Like had a, had this preoccupation with the word talent and hated it anybody. Anytime people told me I was talented, but really as a child, I used to write a lot and I used to, like, I used to make lists and lists and like, basically quiz myself, like my favorite food, my favorite animal, my favorite, whatever. Like I used to make lists of that and, you know, put my answer and then I would do it again.
00:04:43
Speaker
I don't know, a couple weeks later, and honestly, I don't have any of these things now, but I very distinctly remember doing that. Kind of like quizzing yourself, like, how have I changed since last week? Do I still love tigers, or am I more of a bear guy? Right. And that's something I was like, oh, I think I was a writer when I was young. And I mean, even though that might not necessarily be looked at as creative writing, I
00:05:12
Speaker
just knew that I did that and kind of started. That helped me start identifying myself in more recent years as a writer and kind of owning that title, even though I haven't tried to come up with a story idea and write a book.
Career Insights and Challenges
00:05:29
Speaker
But all this recognition of creativity in my childhood started when I did originally have ideas about freelance editing.
00:05:42
Speaker
because that occurred very shortly after I got into my engineering career. So you said I've been in it for 12 years, but this occurred like two years into my career. So here I am 10 years later, still on this journey of figuring out exactly how to re-identify my perception of myself and my inner world. And through creativity,
00:06:11
Speaker
I've realized like how much I suppressed in my childhood and how much, because I think, you know, you have this view of like, oh, you know, I had a childhood and now here I am. And then all of a sudden you like remember some things you're like, whoa, whoa, what? Like, yeah. And then you realize how much you don't remember. And then you start going, why, why, why? Um, so anyway, that, I think there just been different circumstances, like,
00:06:41
Speaker
getting to freelance editing and starting, that's kind of when I was like, oh, I'll do a book review blog. Cause 10 years ago is when a lot of people started doing those and doing the like net galley and getting books for free and exchange for reviews and maybe signing on with some, um, like small independent publishers to do reviews. And, and around the time I started doing that is when I started doing pottery. And this is when like it really,
00:07:11
Speaker
I kind of took a dive into my psyche because I started making pottery and I got to this point where I wanted to do the glazing on the pottery in a watercolor painting type of technique. I was like, what is the word? Technique.
00:07:37
Speaker
at that point was like, no, I'm not an artist. I can't, I don't know how to do watercolor on my pots, but like everything else I did was then not what I wanted to be doing. Like just dunk in your pot in some glaze, you know? And I'm like, even though those are beautiful, people do those. And you know, I love, I love them, but it just wasn't what I
Artistic Identity and Overcoming Blocks
00:08:01
Speaker
wanted to be creating. So I was no longer being true to myself. And I think just,
00:08:07
Speaker
having that cold hard line of like, no, I'm not an artist. Like really is when I started reinforcing these limiting beliefs and kind of being scared of creativity in a way. And it's funny because at this time there was a lot going on in my life, a lot of change. And that's why I started and I was dealing with depression already. That's why I started doing pottery. And so it helped me so much like get out of my head.
00:08:37
Speaker
And that was my first kind of very creative thing I did as an adult. And I, you're sitting at the pottery wheel and just playing with clay and you get into this flow state, you know? And so when I got into that flow state, I would have a lot of like visualizations in my head. That's kind of what happens to me in flow state. It's like, I get away from my thinking brain and kind of have visualizations. And that's how I dream.
00:09:05
Speaker
in a way, I'm not talking about like dream when I go to sleep, but just like dream about my future. And yeah, like when things come to me, it's like in a visualization like that, whether it's while I'm meditating or just while I'm in some kind of low state. So for a while, I think I shoved it down. And then it just kind of came like roaring back out, like I would say four years ago, and I just accidentally started learning a lot about myself and my childhood.
00:09:36
Speaker
And I was at my parents' house for Christmas one time and my mom's like, I have this box of stuff. Go through it and see if you want anything. And I found a fictional short story that I wrote when I was in seventh grade. And I was like, I had no clue I had ever written anything that was considered creative writing that wasn't like an expository essay. You know how you learn about the different kinds for SATs and stuff.
00:10:05
Speaker
And I had a book of poetry that I wrote the same year. And I thought, I was like, Oh my gosh, I remember this. And even though it wasn't like a journal that was like, this happened today and this happened today, and this is how I feel right now. When I saw those, I remembered like, because of the energy that I put attached to whatever.
Societal Judgments on Creativity
00:10:28
Speaker
Yeah. It just like sends you right back to when you were writing it.
00:10:31
Speaker
Exactly. And I remember exactly what was going on in my life. And that's kind of how I started realizing that I was a creative person and that somewhere along the line, I lost that because I was, I was kind of pushed into athletics. I grew up doing gymnastics again, same person. But I think that's been a very integral part of who I am because
00:10:58
Speaker
What has pulled me out of some issues creatively as an adult is like movement and creativity through movement and learning to understand what's going on in my body and what my body is telling me. And a lot of that started with yoga for me.
00:11:16
Speaker
So I feel like I'm not doing a good job of timeline here, but I'm jumping back and forth. I hope it makes sense. No, I totally get it. Especially because you're right. As you get older and there's something in your life that just triggers this
00:11:34
Speaker
at this point where you have to start going backwards. And you're like, OK, I have this weird hang up. Like, where on earth does this come from? And then when you meditate on it, you journal about it. Like, you do pottery while that's on your mind. And you start realizing, oh, this came from that one time when I was a kid and somebody told me that my writing was shit. It's just like, oh. Yeah. It's just that aha moment.
00:12:00
Speaker
but it is like a back and forth. You're like, and now I'm present day and this is what I'm struggling with. Oh, this is what I was struggling with when I was 12. It's yeah. Every time you run into one of those blogs, it's like, you can find a place in your childhood. And I don't know. It's kind of interesting to watch that evolve as an adult. And it kind of like helps you evolve from your childhood
Perfectionism and Its Impact
00:12:22
Speaker
too. Cause I think in my childhood, there was a point where I shut down because maybe because I wasn't
00:12:28
Speaker
pursuing those creative things that really brought me joy. Cause I remember, you know, in gymnastics, there were times where I loved it, but now thinking back on it, I loved it because of the community in it, because of the people that I was with every day. And that's why I stayed in it. And, you know, sometimes I did really good at competitions and that was, you know, great felt great, but, but that was, you know, I still like in between was like, Oh my gosh, I don't,
00:12:58
Speaker
really, I didn't want to go. So. Yeah. The other thing about gymnastics, I think is like.
00:13:04
Speaker
One, it's like, I mean, I don't know about you, but for me, it took up all of my time. I was there four days a week, five days a week practicing. And so there wasn't time outside of that for me to delve deep into what I actually liked doing. It was just like, nope, you're going to gymnastics. And you're right. I loved the community and stuff. But I think another thing is gymnastics is inherently perfectionistic.
00:13:31
Speaker
And so then while you're there, you're getting it drilled into your head that you have to keep doing things over and over and over again, and it's never good enough. And so then take that into your creative life outside of that. Of course, you're not going to just write and play around with some artwork. No, you're not going to do that because you're like, this isn't good. It's not good enough. My toes aren't pointed. Right. So then you just don't even do it. You just don't try. My toes aren't pointed. Yes. Well, and I remember
00:14:01
Speaker
as, I mean, as young as maybe 10, just having huge problems with getting knots in my shoulders because of how stressed out I was. And like that just shows like how much that perfectionism can get to you and get ingrained in you and stuck in your body. And like that's, that's been interesting to kind of like pull apart for me because I still I still struggle with that like the shoulders and the ears kind of thing and just like getting
00:14:29
Speaker
Like bad, I guess, thoracic spine stuff because of it. So I think other parts of my childhood. So I used to like, my thing, I can remember loving from the very, very young, like, I don't know, four or five, I have memories of singing and I loved singing just because of singing, not because of anybody going like, Hey, you're a great singer or anything. But, and I sometimes wonder if that's where like my,
00:14:58
Speaker
issues with the word talent came from, because maybe people were like, Oh my gosh, you're so talented and started like putting this pressure on it of like, here's how you sing more correctly. Yeah. And yeah, so then I think it probably made me not want to do it because I just wanted like, because to do it because of how it felt and just, you know, the creativity around it. And, you know, so there's always been this like, musical creativity that I've loved and
00:15:27
Speaker
I don't know, I was always outside too, which I just think, I mean, I know it's not creative art, but I think all of that just kind of swirls around together and like your artistic inspiration and, you know, and then expressing it and whatever medium. Absolutely. And I think it's really cool to look back on your childhood and just see what you were automatically doing and what you were trying to do. Because that's when you kind of just let yourself do it without going like,
00:15:55
Speaker
Oh, is it going to be perfect? And yeah, and you don't have all of the concerns about like, what are people going to think of me if it's not good or are they going to think I'm.
00:16:04
Speaker
nerdy or whatever for drawing or you know, you at a certain point you like you learn that people are going to judge you for doing things. Like it doesn't matter what people are going to judge you for literally anything because people are terrible. But I mean, it's not their fault. It's not people's fault. It's just like, I don't know what it is. But like that comparison and like the Oh, that person's really into like,
00:16:30
Speaker
writing or whatever. I'm not into that. So that's stupid. And then they make fun of you. And it's like it all comes from like self consciousness, but it all hurts. But yeah, you learn that and then all of that free spirited creativity you had as a kid just kind of just gets smaller and smaller. And it's really hard to hold on to that. Like I really admire people who have been able to hold on to that from the time they were kids all the way until like adulthood.
00:16:55
Speaker
Yeah. I'm always like, what kind of parents do you have? Because I know there's no way they're not creative people because, yeah. Yeah. Like how different would, you know, that journey have been if, if my parents had been creative like that. But alas, my parents were a doctor and an engineer. So here I am, because that's what you grew up seeing as safety and you know, what was safe for them and what they maybe didn't like drill into your head was safe. But like,
00:17:24
Speaker
You know, that you just see and accept as the way. Yeah, exactly. This is the way. This is the way. It's a Mandalorian humor for us all. Sorry, yeah, nerd. Hey,
Building Writer's Helm Community
00:17:45
Speaker
writer. Are you feeling adrift in your writing practice? Like the word swept you out to see, but you have no idea where you're going.
00:17:52
Speaker
I'm Lauren. And I'm Gabby. And we're both writers and professional editors who are here to support you on your writing voyage. With the writer's helm, you get access to group co-writing sessions, Q&A sessions, our private community chat room, and group coaching calls to help you along no matter what stage of the writing process you're in. Members of our crew have said that they've reconnected with their excitement for writing and feel energized from the support they've received from us and each other.
00:18:17
Speaker
You can sign up for the writer's home at any time, which comes with a one week free trial to make sure that we're the right crew for you. You don't need to navigate these stormy seas alone. Let the writer's home take you to new shores. So when you started freelancing, what form did those roadblocks take? Like, what did you start noticing? Like, oh, this is harder than it should be. Or, you know, how did that come up? Yeah, I think a lot of
00:18:47
Speaker
What started happening was, it was almost like I put so much overthinking into it before I even tried to start. And I think if I trace that back, it started from a place of like, is this the thing? You know, I have to like make sure I'm deciding on what is going to be my new career and like the big thing.
00:19:16
Speaker
And then that stemmed into, oh, well, if I pick this thing and spend time on it, then I've wasted time if I decide that's not the thing and want to switch. Because at that point, when I started thinking about freelance editing, and if I wanted to start doing it, I had done a lot of things and quit them. And I think learned to see that as, or maybe have regret associated with that, where it's like,
00:19:45
Speaker
Oh, I was doing pottery and then I actually started thinking about selling. I didn't mention this before. I actually thought about selling it, came up with a name, made the graphics on Canva type apps, which that was before Canva existed, but created an Etsy store and website and then never did it because I started thinking about the watercolor thing and how I could tie this into books.
00:20:13
Speaker
So there was that preoccupation with like, almost like finding regret in those things I didn't stick with. Cause I'm like, that could have been the thing. Maybe I'll never know because I didn't actually go through with it. And which, you know, about book review blogging and pottery. And then, you know, so I think I looked at that at first as wasted time. And if I, you know, so I have to pick the right thing so I can make sure I'm not wasting my time. Cause I don't have time to waste.
00:20:43
Speaker
because, you know, I've had this career for at that, I guess at that point, it would have been, I don't know, six to eight years. And I was like, I wasted all that time too. And I got to like, pick the thing so I can like, do it and make it successful and force it into my this view I have of what success even means. Yep. You know, that leads to
00:21:12
Speaker
really more overthinking, which as a person who grew up learning perfectionism that just feeds into that even more like that limiting mindset about perfectionism. Now you're adding intense overthinking to it and just really I getting, I got stuck in my head very hard about multiple things.
00:21:38
Speaker
And now I can look at it and trace all this back. But as it's happening, this was before there was so much awareness around mindset issues and how that can lead to mental health issues and all this information that you can find about mental health issues now.
Mental Health and Career Development
00:21:58
Speaker
Of course, I knew I was depressed, but I didn't know why. I didn't have the awareness of self.
00:22:08
Speaker
to really even dive into that and know that that was something I could do to help myself. And, you know, so ever since then, like that's all gotten so convoluted. And I, even when I would get to a balanced place and say, like, I don't know, I guess by balanced place, I mean, I'm happy again.
00:22:33
Speaker
Then like, okay, what are those ideas I had and how can I act on them? And then, you know, so maybe I do a small thing and, um, you know, over the years that's looked like, Oh, I found out one of my close friends is writing a book and like, can I just be like, Hey, you know, let me edit your book. And, you know, and then I would do it. And I'd be like, this is so fun.
00:23:02
Speaker
And then, but then I'd start thinking my head like, Oh, why didn't I major in English? Like I wanted to, and, or writing, like, I don't have enough credit. I need the credentials. I need, yeah. Yeah. So you're going back to that stuck mindset on like what a career actually means and safety in finances. And I don't success in your career. So that's.
00:23:30
Speaker
I would say like, yeah, that overthinking and just getting stuck in my head. Cause I got stuck in my head. And it just like spirals down and down and down until you find a way to pull yourself out or something. You accidentally get in a situation that pulls you out a little bit to where you can recognize where, how you were so deep in there. And that's for me, that was yoga. And that was.
Mindfulness and Emotional Awareness
00:23:59
Speaker
I just I went to this yoga studio that was so into doing a lot of intention setting and there was there were a lot of classes that had meditation as well and so they would lead you through guided meditations which were sometimes more spiritual in nature I would say than just or not just I feel like I feel like the word justice sometimes perceived negatively I don't mean that but
00:24:29
Speaker
you know, a different type of meditation than just trying. Uh, I did anyway. I think I get what you're saying though. Like, so it's more spiritual than like, right. And then like, yeah, like safe space meditation. I get what you're saying. So, and you know, they talk a lot about like, okay, today we're doing hip openers. And if you accidentally cry on your mat, that's why there's a lot of emotion stored in your hips and
00:24:58
Speaker
I think through that I started actually feeling my body and getting out of my head and was like, Oh, there's a lot of stuck stuff. And I got so interested in it that whenever I had, or like, you know, I know I have tight shoulders. So I would look up what emotion is stored in your shoulders or, you know, hips or just whatever as it came up. And I was always fascinated to realize it's something that I can directly associate with an emotion.
00:25:29
Speaker
that resulted from something going on in my life right now. And it really helped me get back into that place of at least emotional recognition and that I am an emotional person. And I think that's like super closely tied with creativity, because that is emotional expression for me. Oh, yeah, absolutely. So yoga school. Yeah.
00:25:56
Speaker
Getting into mindfulness meditation when I was in college has led me slowly to where I am now. It didn't obviously fix my life all at once then.
00:26:09
Speaker
Once I started my own business two years ago, I had to go back to that training and be like, oh, no, I need to use this because my shoulders are up to my ears. My back is really tight. And I can't seem to hit post on the social media post. I'm frozen. I'm overthinking everything that I'm doing, and I'm frozen. And so meditating is what helped me then. OK.
00:26:37
Speaker
You have to acknowledge that you're safe right here. Your body needs to let go of all that shit that it's holding in there. And then you can go and take the next step forward. But yeah, you don't realize how stuck you are and how much your body is holding all of that stuckness until you get calm or you move it with yoga and stretch it. Well, I think also you don't realize how powerful
00:27:05
Speaker
your body is and telling you what's going on when you're so stuck in your head or, you know, or just forget and you, you know, in a general sense, you know, you're like, Oh, I'm stressed out. But I think it's cool to be able to communicate with your body to really understand yourself and your psyche and what's going on in there. And
00:27:32
Speaker
But even with that, let me tell you, I can overthink anything. Even with that, I'm like, Oh, I hit my toe today. What does that mean? Like I got a little, I, that's another, maybe we can call this a mindset thing. It's like getting maybe a little too intense about things and like overanalyzing them, which is, you know, tie back to overthinking. But so even within all that, it's like finding balance, which I'm still not.
00:28:00
Speaker
I don't know, maybe I can say I'm not even great at it, but like I still catch myself and I still have to pull myself back and really, it's not as much of a struggle as it used to be, but I used to just go over the top.
Exploring Theater and Multipotentiality
00:28:17
Speaker
And like right now I, I just did theater for the first time and it happened out of the blue. And, but even getting into that, I'm like, Oh,
00:28:28
Speaker
I used to love to sing and maybe this is what I'm meant to do. And so that's like, you know, I'm here I am going back into this old mindset that I know exists that, you know, you think your past and then it creeps up again. And you're like, Oh, here I am trying to find the thing.
00:28:44
Speaker
and or for something to be the thing. Yeah. Okay. Let's talk about that more because I, I did a very similar thing when I started my freelance editing business. Like I needed it to be everything and successful right away because I was like, this is what I'm going to be doing the rest of my life. So it needs to go super well. And I put all this pressure on it.
00:29:07
Speaker
And one of the things that my therapist told me at the time was like, people start and abandon businesses all the time. So what would be wrong if you did that? And I'm like, oh, no. Absolutely not. That is not OK. How dare you, first of all, because obviously that's not OK.
00:29:33
Speaker
Yeah. Cause we do. We like, we're taught when you're a kid, they're like, what are you going to be when you grow up? And then you're grown up and you're like, well, I guess I have to figure this out what I'm going to be. Cause I'm an adult now. Yeah. And it's a lot of pressure. Like I have to pick something that is going to fulfill me for the rest of my life. If that's a goal for you or, you know, make me a certain amount of money for the rest of my life or make me enough to retire off of that, you know, the,
00:30:02
Speaker
the marker at 65. 65, 63, whatever it is now, yeah. Did you look up the term multi-potentialite? No, I did not. Okay, I'm excited to reveal it to you then. This is a term that was coined by Emily Wapnick.
00:30:25
Speaker
She has a website called putty like it has like a TED talk and all this like stuff and I'll have it linked in the show notes and stuff. But a multi potential light is someone with many interests and creative pursuits. And she talks about how, like,
00:30:43
Speaker
the great movers and shakers throughout history have been multi-potentialites. Maya Angelou, who else do I recognize on this list? Julia Child, Benjamin Franklin, Leonardo da Vinci, all these people did so many different things like philosophy, art, math. They did all these different things, but they were the great changers of the time. They weren't seen as
00:31:12
Speaker
not having found their life's purpose or whatever they did all of these like a billion different things and like all of them were great and sometimes they stuck with things and sometimes they didn't and just like that acknowledgement of like no you don't need to find that one thing you can be the type of person that does all of these different things that are completely unrelated. That sounds there's so much freedom in that and like yeah I just
00:31:42
Speaker
That's honestly, I think about the word freedom all the time. And that I think that is what I have come to understand that I am striving towards. That, you know, that piece in finding freedom to allow yourself to do what you are led to do at the time without putting pressure on it. And, but I think, you know, we still have to have something
00:32:12
Speaker
set up that is that we can live off of. Well, yeah, I mean, because we live in a society that is capitalistic and you need money in order to survive and everywhere is expensive to
Monetizing Creativity
00:32:25
Speaker
live. So it's, you know, you do need to do something. But like,
00:32:30
Speaker
That's one of the fascinating things too about having started this business and having connected with other entrepreneurs online is people do so many wild things for money now. I'm just amazed at how people make money now. It is so fascinating to me. I know I say things like people making money and I'm just like, oh, maybe I could do that or something like that. It is pretty inspiring to see what all people are doing.
00:33:00
Speaker
what you could make money off of. Yeah and then also like I mean this like once you do have some form of income so like say you have a day job like having the freedom to then pursue art outside of that or whatever creative projects you're interested in having the freedom to do that outside of where you make money and acknowledge that
00:33:28
Speaker
my creative pursuits don't have to make me money. As long as I'm in a space where I can live, like I can then do things outside of that just because I enjoy them. Right. Well, and at the time when I like got into doing pottery and got into book review, blogging at during those times, I actually was in a place where I'm like, oh, everything like I was in a much more peaceful place and was just like, this works. And
00:33:58
Speaker
Kept telling myself like, Oh, I can look at my job as that is just a job that is helping support me so that I can have the freedom to do these creative things. But I would eventually get to a place where I'm like, Oh, I, but I want to be doing that. And all the time. Or maybe even romanticizing it in a way is, I think is how I could say it because, you know, of course you're like, Oh, if I was doing this all the time.
00:34:27
Speaker
I would just be so fulfilled and feel like I had found my purpose. And, you know, if I could just be creating things all the time and, or putting my opinions and expressing myself in that way and letting people see my true self all the time. But I think there's a lot that goes along with that. Like that's tiring to be able to be present in that way with creativity.
00:34:55
Speaker
all the time in order to maybe make a decent living at it, I think. And, you know, what you see with creative entrepreneurs sometimes on the Instagram and things like that, you don't necessarily see that. So I think a lot of people have come to have this romanticized view that can also be a limiting belief. Oh, yeah, definitely.
00:35:20
Speaker
So what, I guess, how did you ultimately start to use your creativity as a tool towards healing?
Artistic Expression and Validation
00:35:30
Speaker
I think I started to recognize how my creativity, like the state, like once I gained that body awareness that was giving me more access to being present in the moment and recognizing
00:35:50
Speaker
what was going on in my body and recognizing my emotions. I realized that when I, cause I think a lot of my creativity started almost from a point of desperation where like I would be so sad or even so happy sometimes, but like I, I feel emotions very strongly. I came to realize from all this, um, I guess,
00:36:20
Speaker
body recognition, I realized that I am writing poetry in my head. So I would like sit there and write it down. And I think looking back at it, cause it wasn't even that often. It was almost like I waited for the creativity to hit me before I had the courage to let it out. And I think that it started as me looking at that stuff and just being like so proud of myself and
00:36:50
Speaker
I loved what I created. Like there have been some poems I accidentally wrote that I love. Yeah. And like almost couldn't believe that that came out of my brain, you know, and I, I think from there, you know, that inspired me to actually sit down and say, okay, I want to do something creative today and decide what that was. And then
00:37:18
Speaker
Well, I would say I did it immediately cause I still had some blocks there, but you know, maybe two weeks later I would finally try it. And, but, and, but then as I'm doing it, I kind of realized that I was, you know, getting in that flow state and that, Oh, I can get out of my head. So it was almost like that, that freedom, there's the freedom word that we were talking about, like experiencing that while creating kind of, you know, brought me back to
00:37:48
Speaker
myself even further. And, you know, I still, I think I go through times where I'm not necessarily putting art on paper, but because of that and because of, you know, having these things that I want to do and realizing that I can do them has been a big way that I live my life now. And I think it's completely changed my perception of myself.
00:38:18
Speaker
Yeah. And I feel like this has been a thing that has been so hard for me to put into words that, because it's so, it's conceptual. And I'm like, I'm not, it feels like, I don't know if I can be a philosophical person or like, you know, here's another mindset thing, but like, you know, how do I make words for this? And I think I'm still kind of working on that, but
00:38:49
Speaker
I don't know. I think it's, it's a powerful thing to realize that you can do these things. And when you do, you give yourself so much validation because just because you try, like I, I can't tell you, I don't think I've ever disliked something that I painted or wrote. And maybe if, well, there have been times where I'm like, that was not as
00:39:16
Speaker
good as I could have done because I know that I wasn't putting all of my effort into it or I know that I was distracted while I was doing it. So then a lot of times I'll sit down and immediately do it again. And then I'm like, ah, there it is. Like, even if it's not what I had in my head, the image I had in my head of what I wanted to paint, or maybe the words I had in my head that I thought were going to be the words I wrote down.
00:39:42
Speaker
It's still like if I put everything I had into it, it's always something so that makes me so proud. And I think it just makes me realize like, I can put all of myself into things that I can put all of myself out there. And maybe it's not as scary as I have always thought it was.
00:40:01
Speaker
Yes. Yeah. Once you have that permission and you prove to yourself that you can explore that, it is like even, like you mentioned, like even if I don't actually sit down to do something creative, I will notice those creative thoughts swirling around. And I'm just like, even if I don't, if I'm out on a walk or I'm somewhere where I can't actually like put them down, I'm still just like, oh, hey, there you are.
00:40:28
Speaker
There's my little creative spirit floating around there. Whereas in the past, I might not have even recognized that part of myself, or I wouldn't have given it a second thought. Now I'm just like, oh, that's a creative thought, and I like it. And it just gives me this little boost throughout my day.
00:40:50
Speaker
We have this idea that everything we do has to be good or have value. This belief leads us to burnout. It can hold us back from creating altogether. But in my Ugly Art 101 course, I break down these restrictive beliefs and lead you through exercises that intentionally subvert perfectionism and bring playfulness back into your creative process.
00:41:10
Speaker
You can get the first day absolutely free by going to my website scribeandsunshine.com and signing up on the homepage. Join me in my weird, ugly art revolution. Back to the show.
Embracing Creative Freedom
00:41:24
Speaker
And speaking of that, there's as kind of going back to how I was talking about I go a little too hard or over the top sometimes, like, you know, I started to realize those types of things too, or like those creative thoughts.
00:41:39
Speaker
swirling around and I I got to this point I don't know maybe it was just Yeah, it's recent like I was gonna say maybe a year ago, but probably more recently Where I was so anxious about making sure I captured those because maybe it's the thing It's interesting how how often these types of limited mindset things can pop up in different ways and
00:42:08
Speaker
I think it's kind of cool that you can start noticing them maybe, I wouldn't say I always notice it right away, but I think over time you get better at noticing it more quickly so that you can catch yourself and be like, no, we're going to push past that.
00:42:26
Speaker
prove to ourselves that we can. Yeah, exactly. It's so good. What is what's something that you're excited about moving forward? I know you just finished up this musical, which is so cool. Yeah, that first I'm gonna say a little bit more about the music. Oh, yeah, please do. So this musical came out of the blue at the it was like a month and a half ago.
00:42:52
Speaker
My husband and I went to see one of his friends in a play at this community theater. And during it, I was just like so overwhelmed with emotion of like, oh, this is something I've always wanted to try. And so during intermission, I get on my phone, I look up to see if they have any musicals coming up. They did, but I had just missed auditions. So I actually like walk out to my car and I'm just like, you know, you get that like tingly because you're just like so excited.
00:43:20
Speaker
And I'm like, okay, no, I'm going to go back in and talk to the director. So I did. And I actually ended up like balling while I was talking to her. And she was like, okay, come to rehearsal on Tuesday. She's like, it's cool. We got space. So I was like, Oh my gosh. Like I could have hardly talk. I was like, just overwhelmed with like, just letting this thing that had been inside of me for so long, because
00:43:51
Speaker
So I've moved about seven times in the past 12 years. And every time we move, I look up theaters and I'm just like, oh, maybe I could audition, but oh, I don't know how to act. So going back to, you know, something that I can't be like, I'm not an artist. I don't know how to act, whatever it is at the time. But that was just cool to push through that and doing something like that, just going with that in the moment. Cause that that's been something I have not been capable of for
00:44:21
Speaker
many years because I've been so in my head and over analytical about things. So it was really cool. I went to rehearsal like three days later and it was pretty terrifying to be honest. I had thoughts about quitting for the first two weeks and like, what have I done? This is a lot to learn. I have to be around people and
00:44:47
Speaker
try to make friends and like be social, which I mean, which I don't know, learn about myself and my creativity and like going back and looking at my early childhood, I realized I'm actually an introvert. And I've just, you know, was putting on this face of extrovert for like my high school and college years. But that aside, so, you know, with that, I'm an introvert, there's social anxiety that happens and
00:45:17
Speaker
Um, you know, so there were just several things where I was just like, and would get really nervous about going to rehearsals. But then when I was there, I had such a good time and just was like, got completely out of my head. And, you know, I started noticing that. And my husband was extremely supportive through all of it. And he was just like, cause I would get nervous again before rehearsal and he'd be like, no, don't quit. You're going to be so proud of yourself. And he's like, yes, this is a big deal and it's hard, but you're going to be so proud of yourself. And.
00:45:47
Speaker
So I stuck with it and, but also it's like, I didn't want to, but I still couldn't actually quit. Cause then you're leaving a hole in the cast and they have to get somebody else to do your lines and dance in the spot that you're in. So it was cool. I had to like learn choreographed dances. There were like 10 of them and I didn't have a ton of lines, but it was still, you know, you're standing up front.
00:46:12
Speaker
by yourself saying these lines and don't even know if you're doing it right. You just kind of have to go for it and see if the director tells you to do it a different way. So it's a lot of just rowing it out to the wind and seeing what comes back. And it really did just completely get me out of my head because I have been in that place for the couple of months before that of like, okay, I got this, you know, whatever new business idea.
00:46:40
Speaker
I've got this, I need to start it. And then kind of pulling back a little bit and then going, no, I need to start and pulling back overthinking it. So this came out of the blue right then and just completely got me out of my head. And honestly, all these creative thoughts just started coming back up for me. And I don't know, it just made me so confident in myself again. And I could tell I would recommend to anyone to just like,
00:47:08
Speaker
go do some random creative thing that you've never thought about doing before. Oh yeah. Because yes, it was like out of your element and makes you a little uncomfortable. Yeah. It will challenge you, but I think in a way it hadn't been one of the creative things I've been overthinking for so long that I didn't necessarily care about the outcome. I mean, I did because I'm a perfectionist, but of course, but I wasn't putting pressure on it to like be my thing.
00:47:38
Speaker
Even though I did say before that, you know, there was that original thought of like, Oh, I wanted to do this when I was young and I've been, I've thought about this every time we've moved. And so maybe is this the thing? And I did that in my head at the very beginning of all this, but I caught that and I was like, no, just go do it and see what happens. Like don't, don't put all that on it. Yeah. So I think there's just that element of no pressure. And it ended up, I don't know. It was just.
00:48:08
Speaker
I just feel so renewed and inspired and confident because of it. Go do theater. It's a rush. Maybe I'll have to find something. Maybe you've inspired me. It was funny because I live in Colorado right now, but as we can hear, I have a Southern accent. I'm from Alabama. I even had self-consciousness around that like, oh my gosh, these people are going to think
00:48:37
Speaker
that I don't, I can't act because I don't have some quote unquote regular voice. So there's like lots of anxiety, things like that. But it's, yeah, it's kind of fun to like show yourself, especially after going through all of this, like show yourself that you can catch those things and just be like, no, we're moving forward with this thing. Absolutely. Oh, so good. Yeah. There was another part of
00:49:07
Speaker
that question. Yeah, I asked what are you excited about moving forward? So you've done the the play. What's next? I have.
New Creative Ventures and Future Plans
00:49:16
Speaker
Well, actually, I am going to probably circle back on some things that I have done in the past that I have thought of new ways to, I guess, be excited about and pursue for now and maybe
00:49:37
Speaker
I think I'm at the place where I can finally not put so much pressure on it. And this feels like it would be a natural thing for me because with freelance editing, I have gotten to those points where maybe some things didn't feel natural or I didn't know how to establish myself and prove that I could do it. But before I was a book review blogger, I loved my reviews and there were people who did too.
00:50:07
Speaker
I was just like, that is such an easy way for me to prove that I can be a developmental editor to have, absolutely to prove to myself and to basically have this resume sitting here going like, Oh, this is how Lauren thinks about books. And, you know, people who are also interested in those books that might have the same ideas about those books go, Oh, Hey, Lauren thinks the same way I do about books. And,
00:50:36
Speaker
I think that for me, that's a natural way, like something that I'm already confident in that can lead to something that I want to do. Because even with freelance editing, I have been a technical editor in my engineering jobs, which is most closely related to copy editing. So I've been like, oh, I can only be a copy editor. But really, I was like, oh, I could definitely
00:51:05
Speaker
do that. And so that's something that I think I'm gonna start developing a little bit. And with the theater thing and acting some, I have started to get this idea in my head of like, could I be an audio book narrator? And I just think that would be so fun to try. And I've, you know, been doing a little research and just been excited about researching it. And like, how do you get started and
00:51:34
Speaker
you know, what types of platforms are out there that I could, you know, find ways to record something. And yeah, I think that's such a great idea. I love like, I, you told me this when we chatted a few weeks ago. And like, I knew, I know, obviously people record IO books, but I was just like, Oh yeah, that's like another cool way you can make money. That's so neat. And I love your, your voice and your accent. So I think that would be so pleasant to listen to. I can find books set in the South.
00:52:04
Speaker
I don't know, maybe my accent's not really actually that bad. Or that intense. I guess I shouldn't say that. I was gonna say, it's not bad, it is thick. But there are a lot of books set in the south, and when you listen to the audiobooks about them, it's usually by someone who is putting on a southern accent.
00:52:25
Speaker
So I'm like, I got you. Yeah, I got bonafide. Southern accent. Oh, that's so cool. I'm really excited to see how that all works out. Me too. Another thing. So I think all this is just, it's gotten my wheels turning in a way that I can also, I think, be supportive of
00:52:55
Speaker
just kind of how my husband and I can together get our lives set up to have more freedom. And so we've kind of even started dreaming together a little bit more where, you know, he's always wanted to be a farmer and do like regenerative agriculture. Like he's just very passionate about that.
00:53:15
Speaker
but he's had times, like he was in the army and right before he was getting out of the army, he was studying that so heavily. Like he buys these big textbooks and just sits there and reads them for fun. But then he ended up going to school for agriculture and he worked for chicken plants. And he's kind of doing that, but just getting more frustrated being in corporate environments, kind of like I did.
00:53:46
Speaker
You know, he's kind of here and they're like, thrown that out there. Like, I would still like to do that, but we got to the point now where like this can happen and let's start making specific plans. So that's cool. I don't know. It's just, I know that's not like, I don't know. I feel like it's still, you know, this is all.
00:54:06
Speaker
It's still something we're creating. Yeah, and it's all about pursuing your creative passions. And I mean, I think gardening is absolutely creative. You're speaking to plants. I mean, you're creative. That's what I want. I want like a secret garden with a bench where I go sit and read my books with my bees and my birds and my butterflies that I know just come visit me. Maybe some bluebird, a hawk.
00:54:35
Speaker
maybe yeah sure um at the end of every episode i like to ask my guests if there's anything ugly they've made recently um so is there anything ugly you've made recently i did make an ugly poem yesterday actually like and like i said before poetry is one of those things that i just kind of accidentally do i've yeah i've never but i think there's i don't understand around that too because it's like i'm scared to just like
00:55:04
Speaker
try to make a poem that's not already just like circling in your head. But yesterday I was actually really overwhelmed and it wasn't one of those times where I like just had something and was just like so worked up that there was something in my brain already and that just like spewed out.
00:55:30
Speaker
But yesterday, I was like, I knew I was in a heightened emotional state. And I was like, oh, this might be a good time to try to write a poem. And so I did a sad day when I wrote a poem. And I was like, all right. I did it. I wrote a poem. Perfect. I love it. Yeah, I'm the same way. I don't know how to write sonnets. I have tried. It did not go well. But yeah, it's just like, there are just these little words circling around. And you just put them on the page. And it's like, boom, you got a poem.
00:55:59
Speaker
Oh yeah, mine don't rhyme. There's no like rhythm and rhyme and it's more, I think poetry is a really powerful thing for emotional processing. It's pretty cool. Yeah, I love that.
00:56:14
Speaker
My ugly thing that I made this week was I was just in like a very frustrated emotional state. So I just started kind of like scribbling and like putting a bunch of like dots and scribbles all over a page. And then I started kind of seeing forms in there. And so I just kind of started connecting the dots
00:56:36
Speaker
and then as I connected the dots I started to see like it looked like little animal faces were kind of in there like I could see little ears and like beaks and stuff so then I just like gave them all eyeballs and it's like this trippy messy looking animal picture I saw your post of that I thought it was yeah I loved it
00:56:56
Speaker
Um, I, that's my favorite thing is like, when I go down and I'm just like, I don't care how this turns out. This is, it can just be a terrible blob. And then I finish it and I'm like, Oh wait, I really like this actually. Yeah. I love stuff like that. And it's, it's like when you're painting and then you have a sheet next to you that you're like testing your colors on or just like sometimes getting extra color off of your brush so that you have the right amount for your actual painting. But I always love that sheet.
00:57:25
Speaker
Yeah. I always keep them and I just, I love to look at them. I'm like, I wish I could sit down and just like do that on purpose. Yeah. Well, how can people find you out in the world? My website is currently inactive, but I'm about to reactivate it and get to moving on some things. And that is Lauren E Henderson.com and
00:57:53
Speaker
My Instagram is Laura hinder. That's my personal one, but I think that's all I'm going to have because I used to do the whole split it up and it's just overwhelming. And it's like, yeah, you can't do that anymore. Just keep it with yours. That works. Yeah. Awesome. Well, thank you so much for joining me today. This was very fun to chat with you. Yeah. Thank you for having me. I really enjoyed this chat too.
00:58:19
Speaker
I talked through some things that I don't think I've ever really tried to put a lot of words to. So, you know, I, a lot of people say that after being on this podcast and that is like my highest compliment that I can ever get. So I'm just like, yes, that's no, for real. That's a powerful thing. You're like helping people. I don't channel some of these things and yeah, down to the world. That's cool. All right. Thank you for listening everybody and keep it ugly.
00:58:49
Speaker
The Ugly podcast is created by me, Lauren Alexander of Scribe and Sunshine. It is produced and sort of edited, also by me, and written and directed by absolutely nobody. If you like the podcast, be sure to write and leave a review on your preferred platform and share with the creative people in your life. If you're interested in learning more about what I do, head to scribeandsunshine.com to learn more about my Ugly Art 101 course, my perfectionism workshop, my editing services, and the Writer's Helm, which is an online community for writers, co-captain by myself and Gabby Goodlow. As always, keep it ugly.