Transcript
Speaker: You are listening to Awaken ADHD, a podcast where people share their ADHD stories, life before and after diagnosis, support, strategies, strengths and challenges.
Speaker: Hi, I'm Jade and I'll be your host. I'm a counsellor, ADHD coach and fellow ADHD-er. So join me as we Awaken ADHD.
Speaker: This podcast was recorded on the land of the Boon Wurrung people of the Kulin Nation. and we wish to acknowledge them as traditional owners. We recognise First Peoples of Australia as the original storytellers and pay our respects to Elders past, present and emerging.
Speaker: So welcome to another episode of Awaken ADHD. at Full disclosure, i just thought I was recording for about 15 minutes. I was rambling on here and realized I wasn't recording at all.
Speaker: I was just sitting here talking to myself. So, um, good times. Might just even pause and check that this is actually recording. Good news, people.
Speaker: It was recording. So we are on. We are here together for me to start rambling again, all on my lonesome about ADHD uncoaching.
Speaker: Uncoaching is a term I am coining. i don't know that I am coining it, but I think I am. Anyway, I'll say that I am. What are you going to listen to today? Well, first, I guess I want to say thanks for listening.
Speaker: Thanks for making time for yourself. Whether you're sitting still, i highly doubt you're sitting still, you're probably on the move. I am trying very hard to sit on my spinny chair here without spinning.
Speaker: Maybe you're walking the dog. Maybe you are actually lying in bed in sloth productivity. ah Perhaps you're hyper focusing on your fifth creative project for the week.
Speaker: Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, I'm glad that you're curious and tuning in. This episode is for all the beautifully non-linear out there, the deep feelers, all the neurodivergent humans are chronically exhausted,
Speaker: All of you neurodivergent individuals that feel like the self-help world with therapy and counselling and coaching and whatever it is doesn't quite fit you.
Speaker: and I know how you feel. And today i want to really talk about the offering that I call Uncoaching, where it came from, what it looks like in practice and how it might actually speak to you.
Speaker: I'm also going to be speaking further on this point with ah somebody very special. It's very exciting to have this fabulous human on the podcast and I'm due to record in just a few days with her.
Speaker: So watch this space for the next episode where we will dive into this episode in or just, you know, bouncing ideas, really. It'll just be a bit of a creative flow session.
Speaker: So look out for that. Anyway, thought I'd do a bit of an intro to it so that we can ah just express where my thinking was coming from.
Speaker: And it actually did emerge from a conversation I had with this beautiful human and um and actually some of my uncoaching clients. Yeah, I'm trending that term.
Speaker: Anyway, so here's the truth of it for me. So much of counselling and coaching and therapy still leans into those neurotypical ideals and that progress should be more straightforward, linear.
Speaker: You start something, you take a step, you take a step, you take a step, then you finish it. There's a goal reached. And you plot along and you meet little milestones and it's nice and tidy and tied up with a bow.
Speaker: And that change is something that you can track and measure and tick off like a project. And the growth looks like having consistent habits and and being productive and being well regulated and coping well.
Speaker: Sound familiar? Yeah, me too. It's a mindset I still wrestle with. and Why can't I manage to write that goal and then step towards it?
Speaker: I guess I've been holding myself to impossible standards and still feeling surprised when I'd fall short. So I started asking, what if it's not me? Now, I've been asking that for a while now, but knowing that the framework is a problem and actually going against the framework, they're two different things because it's so ingrained.
Speaker: We've been living with this for a really long time, living as neurodivergent individual in a neurotypical world.
Speaker: We know that life doesn't unfold in tiny, neat linear steps, we don't all thrive running a marathon.
Speaker: Some of us are sprinters. If we're sprinters, we move in bursts of energy and insight and play and creativity and productivity, dare you call it.
Speaker: And then we rest or crash or disconnect. However, as this rhythm and pace a floor to fix?
Speaker: Or is it something we need to lean into and honor? The other analogy that goes alongside this ah marathon versus sprint is, you know, waves being tidal versus perhaps, you know, a running river.
Speaker: But you can use whatever analogy you want for the purpose of this. I'm going to go with the sprinting and marathoning. So here's the thing. actually studied ADHD coaching.
Speaker: Did the training, read the books, built the frameworks even. I made a program pretty hefty.
Speaker: It was full of strategies and hacks and habit building tools. It was thoughtful. It was detailed. it I put a lot of bloody effort into it, to be honest.
Speaker: But eventually it felt like, I don't know, trying to squeeze a constellation into a spreadsheet or something. It was ah helpful process for me. It was like a hyper focus.
Speaker: Of course, it's not finished. It's never going to be finished. That would be that would just be dreadful if I actually finished it. But in its almost complete state.
Speaker: It's not overly helpful to most of my clients. It's only helpful up to a point.
Speaker: some basic information. And what I realized is that the work that I do in session, doesn't live in checklists or hacks or habits that my ADHD clients aren't going to be filling out forms or reading lengthy dry material no matter how much I try and liven it.
Speaker: It's still dry. It's still formulaic. And that's not how we are. So what do i do Do I throw the whole thing out? No. But I do try and untangle the internalised ableism.
Speaker: That part of me that says this is how we should operate, this is what a coach should do and therefore this set of homework and structures and frameworks and format should be what you're looking for and what you offer.
Speaker: And it's it's interesting because I have had clients come to me and and they specifically say, i need a coach that is going to help me put structures in place and discipline and routine and and basically fix this.
Speaker: But it's ludicrous now. That is ableism. That is not always possible. Sure, it's possible that we can have friends and family and whoever is around us.
Speaker: support sometimes in those structures and buildings, especially if we've got kids, we can we can help with some of the frameworks, but to hold individuals accountable to these frameworks and for it to be the gold standard.
Speaker: Yeah, I don't know that that's right. I don't know that that's going to work. I think that's going to perpetuate the story of I'm broken. Why just why can't I? So if we are to have an honest conversation with ourselves and say, hang on a minute.
Speaker: This isn't a flaw. This is me. I don't want my clients to sand down their, you know, star shape edges and just squeeze into somebody else's ideal circle shape of success as a human.
Speaker: I want them to see that their edges and angles and star points are valid, somewhat frustrating at times, but but we're not about trying to cut them off.
Speaker: Uncoaching isn't about making yourself fit. It's about getting to know your shape so you can move through the world without an apology. That mic drop.
Speaker: So what does uncoaching actually look like? All right, this is, this is still forming. But I guess as a counselor, my foundation is always going to be um self-awareness.
Speaker: Here's what I believe uncoaching is built on. Self-reflection, self-awareness. Gently questioning the beliefs you have, the expectations you've internalized about what you should and shouldn't do.
Speaker: Understanding your, your traumas, your past, your belief system, getting to know the, the why behind things. Why am I doing things this way?
Speaker: Not just, oh, I'm an incompetent individual or I can't add adult very well. There are so many stories that I have created for myself over the years.
Speaker: You know a little kind of even making fun of self. Oh, I've got many other gifts and talents, which which is true, but it's usually to excuse the fact that I have dropped the ball somewhere.
Speaker: Understanding the why. So, yeah, you might still want to use some of those um expressions, but they're not filled with shame.
Speaker: They're not trying to hide something anymore. Because I think deep down inside we do hide and we do have shame about many of the ways in which we show up in this neurotypical world.
Speaker: Let's talk about the marathon versus sprint scenario. You know, the marathon is slow and steady wins the race. and The daily discipline is their secret to success.
Speaker: It's consistent. Because inconsistency is failure. They can't go too fast or they'll burn out too quickly. They're just plodding along. If you can picture the marathon runner now with their, I don't know, they kind of have the shoulders up and arms moving. I'm doing the action now. You can't see me. I'm sorry.
Speaker: You can imagine it. But that's not everybody. Some of us, like I said, are sprinters. We move in bursts, fast, focused, inspired, and then we need to stop.
Speaker: So we run and sometimes we can run to the point of doing what seems like, you know, the the efforts or the work of five, 10 people in just a few hours time.
Speaker: And then rest. and And I kind like that sprint mindset. You know, the my the marathon mindset says if you pause, it feels like failure.
Speaker: You know, well, if they pause, they're probably going to get a buildup of lactic acid and they'll probably struggle to get back up again. Whereas we like to just sprint, rest.
Speaker: Sprint, rest. So uncoaching is... Acknowledging that that pause or that running really fast and then that pause is part of our rhythm.
Speaker: That we don't chase consistency. Rather, we build self-awareness around our cycles. That's where the power is. Not trying to fit in to the marathon world, but learning how to sprint, rest, sprint, rest, rather than doing consecutive sprints and really burning out.
Speaker: Oh yeah, that's the key. How the hell do we do that, you ask? Well, it's still an emerging process. So what does it look like in real life?
Speaker: Practically naming and normalizing your sprints and your rests so they don't become complete crashes and burnouts. Making peace with that non-linear You're going in all sorts of directions and bouncing around.
Speaker: And sometimes that is okay. That is a creative mind at its best. And we don't want to, we don't want to derail that altogether.
Speaker: So that would mean creating support that flex, not force. They bend with, they're adaptable. Allowing for the nothing,
Speaker: days, hours or minutes without shame. This is something that if my 14 year old is listening to this, she will scoff at because I am not great at nothing days.
Speaker: But I think here is the difference. Nothing for me might actually look like something to another person. If I am out in the garden, just pulling some weeds, literally, not metaphorically, that that might be rest for me.
Speaker: That might be rest because i'm I'm still moving, but I'm enjoying it. I'm not thinking and I'm just kind of plodding along.
Speaker: I'm definitely not sprinting, but it's a way that I like to relax. Because sometimes relaxing is just gently moving my body and and being a little bit active.
Speaker: That's really for my 14 year old daughter. She gets on and listens to this and says, but mum, you never stop. I do stop. My stop just sometimes looks different.
Speaker: Allowing for the nothing times without shame. Honouring those bursts of hyperfocus, because we we do have them. Being aware when perhaps the hyperfocus is disrupting
Speaker: relationships or sabotaging other things that really need to get done. So there is a bit of self-awareness in there, leaning into them when they are helpful and learning how to recover from them, learning how to bounce back from them instead of just keeping up.
Speaker: So what would it look like to go with your flow and be okay with that? Okay, this is, this is the real work. This is a bigger thing here. Ultimately, uncoaching is about something bigger than strategies and structure.
Speaker: It's about, like I said, deconstructing that ableism. Many parents of neurodivergent kids and teens in particular might send them my way hoping that I will change their behavior that I will somehow magically get them to be able to do all their homework on time independently or follow structures and routines or focus or keep their room clean.
Speaker: It's not probably going to be possible really for a teen or a child to do that independently. And it's also not likely that an adult is going to be able to do that consistently. Because again, consistency and structure and routine, yeah, we like a bit of structure, but maintaining it,
Speaker: Not really. Doing the same thing all the time? Nope. but Boring. So how do we how do we help ah ourselves or our teen or our child? Understanding what they're, you know, if we're looking at younger people, what are they actually capable of?
Speaker: in line with their brain development. What are the other support that, you know, we can put in place to help them, which isn't shaming or or ableist mentality?
Speaker: And like there'll be a whole nother podcast on that because there's a lot to unpack in that. But if we If we come back to the bigger work for just ourselves, we're going to understand that we're not always going to be regulated, productive or improving.
Speaker: I did quotation marks, air quotation. Really sorry about that. You can't see it. But if you had seen it, I'd also have to apologize because they're really lame. Anyway, i what it is about is reconnecting with how you actually move in the world.
Speaker: in your brain, in your body, in your own time. It's about rest without guilt, awareness instead of perfection, living aligned with the way that you want to navigate the world without apology.
Speaker: But when I say without apology, I also mean without harm. No, that's not exactly what I mean. I guess what I say here is that one of the things is going to need to be taken into consideration is, yeah, we want to show up in the way that we show up and and do our sprints and and have our rest. and And there are things that we might you know continually struggle with.
Speaker: but we do need to minimize impact on other. So if we are living and working in this world, we've got partners and we might have kids or housemates, without apology would not be, well, I'm struggling to do dishes, so too bad they're there.
Speaker: Unless they you're living alone, that's not going to help anybody. So living without apology is not destructive to others. Still have to recognize where you impact and meet in the middle.
Speaker: That might mean reaching out for some support. I always say that reminders are my love language. That doesn't mean I expect other people to remind me of things, but it is a gift if you do and I really appreciate it.
Speaker: I say to a client, I want to send you that material that we were talking about. But then I have client after client after client and then pick up the kids. And then by the time in two days time that I've got any admin space, I i haven't got it with me.
Speaker: I've written it down in a notebook and I don't have it in front of my mind. So if a client sends me a message and say, hey, how about that values worksheet? worksheet Yes, thank you.
Speaker: That's lovely. It's not your responsibility, but I really appreciate the reminder. So that is that is owning and taking accountability for for ways in which I might impact other.
Speaker: Not apologizing for my existence, not sitting in shame. I'm so sorry. I'm so stupid. How could I forget? get Because that's not realistic. I would prefer to be honest up front and say, I'm really hoping that the strategy I have in place means that I won't forget.
Speaker: But if I do, I would love and really appreciate ah reminder. Reaching out, not expecting somebody to fix it off or make up for it or remind you, but really appreciating it when they do.
Speaker: And then we can offer other things that other people are not, ah you know, that other people are fantastic with. Like I said, other gifts and talents. So oh I could talk about this all day, but you know that I've got my special guest on in a few days. So we're going to unpack it a little bit more and really look at the creative mind and play and lots of things.
Speaker: Anyway, I won't go too much in it. I don't want to give too much away, but it's a very, very exciting final words. We don't build rigid routines here in the uncoaching space.
Speaker: We build trust in self instead. We don't demand progress. but we support being present and self-aware.
Speaker: Uncoaching is about accepting your rhythm, knowing that you're not behind, you're not broken, you're just moving differently. And that difference deserves respect, no correction.
Speaker: Okay, I could keep going, but I do actually have to stop, otherwise I'm going to be late for my next client. So thank you for being here with me. ah Hopefully some of this has resonated with you and you feel seen in some way.
Speaker: I'd love you to reach out and share your insights. Jump onto my website, awakenadhd.com.au. Perhaps book in a time to be on the podcast and share your own experiences.
Speaker: Until then, running those sprints and resting. Bye. Bye.
Speaker: This podcast is not a licensed mental health provider. It represents the personal opinions and experiences of individuals. No content should be taken as professional advice or recommendation.
