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Mini Couples ep. 2: Half Hearing Half Listening
216 Plays1 year ago
In these mini episodes we will explore the ways in which ADHD can show up in relationship and can often be destructive and cause conflict if not understood. In this episode I will look at the common experience of half listening or half hearing and how it can be understood and supported within all our relationships.
You know when you zone out of a conversation, or get stuck on the first thing a person says, or perhaps get overwhelmed by the content? It's frustrating for both parties and can lead to shame, resentment, defensiveness and conflict.
I'll break it down into The Challenges and Obstacles, The Impact on the Relationship and Strategies to Interrupt the Pattern.
I'd love to hear your thoughts or your story, please reach out via my website or socials.
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Transcript
Podcast Introduction
00:00:06
Speaker
You are listening to Awaken ADHD, a podcast where people share their ADHD stories, life before and after diagnosis, support strategies, strengths and challenges. Hi, I'm Jade and I'll be your host. I'm a counselor, ADHD coach and fellow ADHD. So join me as we Awaken ADHD.
Acknowledgment of Traditional Landowners
00:00:31
Speaker
This podcast was recorded on the land of the Bunurong people of the Kulin nation, and we wish to acknowledge them as traditional owners. We recognise First Peoples of Australia as the original storytellers and pay our respects to elders past, present and emerging.
Mini Episode on ADHD and Relationship Conflicts
00:00:55
Speaker
Hello and welcome to another mini episode of Awaken ADHD. In the last mini episode, we were talking about the parent-child dynamic in relationship conflict patterns. And I've done a little bit more work in really trying to understand some of the couples that I work with and how ADHD shows up in my own relationship.
00:01:20
Speaker
And so far, I have got about nine patterns that I've been exploring both, again, personally and professionally. So I thought I would take you through them one by one. On my list, the parent-child dynamic is actually
ADHD Listening Challenges
00:01:39
Speaker
number eight. So now we're jumping all the way back up to number one, which is half hearing and half listening. So the way that I understand it is that
00:01:49
Speaker
Neurodivergent relationships have some unique and varied patterns that I really feel need to be identified, understood, and then really navigated well within the couple. If you're in a long-term relationship, these patterns can really be worked through as a team. Although many of the patterns are also experienced in other relationships, like with your friends and your families and at work, and I think
00:02:17
Speaker
It's also important to note that when we explore these patterns, their reasons, their understandings, their awarenesses, they're not excuses. So we're looking to interrupt these patterns in a way that's flexible and curious and creative. We're not really looking for neurotypical solutions to these neurodivergent patterns. We're really looking for some
00:02:43
Speaker
some understanding and some teamwork and some empathy so that we can really notice them and how they're showing up in our lives. Alrighty. So, pattern number one.
Impact on Relationships
00:02:58
Speaker
What I looked at and what I was noticing is that ADHD is often don't listen or hear the full content of a conversation.
00:03:08
Speaker
due to many reasons, but overarchingly executive functioning challenges. So I've laid it out as challenges, obstacles and other contributing factors, the impact on the relationship and strategies to begin to interrupt the pattern. So if we look at some of the challenges and obstacles, distractibility. When you're in a busy environment or the TV's on or other people are talking or the kids are running around or there's just lots of things happening around you,
00:03:39
Speaker
is quite often very difficult to stay focused on the conversation that you're having and really pay attention to what your partner or your children or your colleagues or friends are saying. So that's one thing. Another part of it I think is content overwhelm. Somebody might be giving you instructions or asking you to plan something and they're giving you too many steps in the process or too many details.
00:04:08
Speaker
You know, sometimes when somebody is giving me too much information, I might have actually got stuck on step one. And in my head, I've already started to plan it. Or there may be just too many different details, and I'm just darting from one to the other. At this point, we usually stop really actively listening. We might be staring at the person, nodding along, but really not paying any attention at all.
00:04:37
Speaker
obstacle or challenge is that it might be boring content. And when I say boring, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's boring to the other person or it's boring in general. It's just that we might not be interested in it. And when we're not interested in it, sometimes it takes us a little bit more effort to stay with the person, to really listen. Sometimes the topic is too exciting and too interesting.
00:05:08
Speaker
And like I said before, we might just pick up our phone and start researching the first part of the topic or we might be so interested in it that we start telling our own story about it or talk over the top of them. Another element could be that it's a really important topic and we're so worried that we're going to forget that we start problem solving or thinking of strategies or tuning out of the conversation to really
00:05:37
Speaker
start thinking about this important thing.
Rebuilding Trust and Connection
00:05:40
Speaker
Some of the impacts on the relationship can really be that there's a lot of rupture in trust and connection that can occur when the other person is not feeling listened to. It can be frustrating and hurtful and can lead to defensiveness or admonishing. Partner may feel constantly unheard
00:06:05
Speaker
constantly not listen to. This can lead to them feeling resentment, them feeling unimportant or not valued. You never listen to me. You never pay attention. Anything I say isn't important to you. Why are you always picking up your phone? Why do you seem to zone out? If this has gone on for a long time in a relationship, partner may respond with anger, real frustration or avoidance.
00:06:34
Speaker
Another impact may be that things are missed. Tasks, events, plans. I didn't hear it. I didn't know it was happening. I had zoned out when we had agreed to do that thing. Sometimes this pattern can really lead to increased frustrations and can really perpetuate that parent-child dynamic. Why am I always having to remind you? Why can't you write it down?
00:07:03
Speaker
Why can't you pay attention? I think the ADHD in the relationship can really feel a lot of shame for not being able to listen and take in all the information, which can also lead to defensiveness, further entrapping you in that pattern of attack, defend. Banda may also feel like they have to be louder and more assertive to be heard.
00:07:27
Speaker
which again goes back into the conflict cycle.
Strategies for Better Communication
00:07:30
Speaker
I think some of the ways in which we can begin to interrupt this pattern is asking. Ask one another before launching into lengthy conversations. Hey, can we talk about plans for next weekend? Hey, how are you feeling? Have you had a big day? Are you up for talking about whatever it is? Because
00:07:55
Speaker
I think this is true in any relationship. If we start launching in to a big conversation when the other person has had a big day or is feeling really tired or is hungry or what have you, it can lead to feeling missed, to really missing each other and not fully engaging. The next strategy is attunement. They all start with A. I don't know. Once I get into a pattern of trying to understand how
00:08:25
Speaker
how to lay something out. Sometimes I go for acronyms or words that all start with the same letter. I don't know. It's a quirk. Does anyone share that quirk? It's just me. Anyway, the next one is attunement. So, you know, you may pay attention to one another. Notice if one of you appears to have tuned out. Hey, babe, you still with me?
00:08:50
Speaker
Hello, you know, a gentle touch on the knee or kind of a wave in the hand in front of the face. Are you with me? If we can do that for one another, no matter what the reason the person has tuned out for, it's like giving another opportunity. It's a pause. It's not about me. This person may have tuned out. I'm going to try not to take it personally.
00:09:18
Speaker
and I'm going to see if they can come back to me. The other point to make is that if we do kind of set this up in our relationship, if somebody does kind of say, hey, babe, boy, you still with me, we have to be really mindful of not getting defensive and not, well, I guess the same in defense. We can say, oh, it's not my fault. You know, I've got ADHD or you've been rattling on for ages or I'm tired. But to actually say,
00:09:48
Speaker
Well, yeah, I did. I zoned out. I'm on the first thing that you said. I went into another place. I'm really sorry. Where are we at? Or can we come back to this in a minute? And then you set up some sort of agreement on what's going to work best with you for both of you. This is another really important point. My next A word, which is atmosphere.
00:10:11
Speaker
I think we really need to set the environment up for success, away from distractions. Not when you're both tired, hungry, running late, kids running in and out, dogs under your feet. For me, I really need to, might be in the bedroom with the curtains drawn and my phone nowhere near me. The phone can also be a big distraction. For me, I call that phone as fidget.
00:10:38
Speaker
And I'll just pick it up and start randomly tapping things with no real intention. And what I actually want to do is just move and fidget. But I grab my phone because that's my adult fidget at hand. And that is really, really, really destructive. So finding ways to get that out of the way if you're about to have a conversation. And again,
00:11:04
Speaker
just setting up the atmosphere for successful communication. I think that also goes for meetings. If you're having a meeting and the lights are, you know, super bright fluoro lights, which I can't stand, or there's something going on outside the windows, then set it up.
00:11:28
Speaker
Change the lights. Turn the blinds. Same with my kids. If I know that they want to talk to me about something important, I'll take them somewhere so that I can sit down and give them my undivided attention. Or wait until we lie down in bed and the lights are off and I can just tune in to what they're talking about. The next A word in strategies to interrupt the pattern is advocate. We really need to advocate for our needs.
00:11:58
Speaker
You know, saying something like, hey, this is really important to me. Can you listen to me? And so advocating for needs isn't just the ADHD. That is the partner as well. Hey, I want to be heard. Have you got time for me? Or it could be I've had a really busy day. I feel my ability to focus is tapped out.
00:12:18
Speaker
Can you dot point it for me? Can you make it short? Can we write it down as well if it's something that's going to take a while and got lots of steps? So that's asking, attunement, atmosphere, and advocate. These are all really important in our everyday life, whether it's work, whether it's with our friends. One of the things I might say to advocate for myself when going out with friends now is, hey, can we not
00:12:49
Speaker
sit inside. It's too noisy. There's coffee machines going off. There's too many potential distractions. I might need to sit in quite a courtyard or in a booth so that there's less noise and light and sound distraction. Okay. So, that is relationship pattern number one. We've already looked at number eight, but I might do it again. Sure, I've got new insights. I feel like I add to this.
00:13:16
Speaker
this part of my relationship therapy program all the time. I'm constantly researching with the couples that I work with and again in my own relationship.
Listener Engagement and Disclaimer
00:13:26
Speaker
I hope that something out of this has been useful to you. I'd love to hear from any of you. Have a conversation. What is working in your relationship? Are you resonating with anything?
00:13:42
Speaker
And of course, as usual, I would love to have you on the show and your story so that you can share your Awakened HD story. I've been a bit stuck or slack or something regarding getting onto socials and try to find people to jump on the podcast. Sometimes that networking and that
00:14:07
Speaker
Seeking is really difficult for me when I'm, I just kind of bury my head and do the day to day. And even though this is really important to me, I do find a bit of a stuckness in it. So if you want to jump on, please reach out Jade at awakeninsights.com.au or you can jump on my website awakenadhd.com.au or follow me on Instagram where I will very sporadically post.
00:14:38
Speaker
All right, well, thanks for listening and connect soon. Bye. This podcast is not a licensed mental health provider. It represents the personal opinions and experiences of individuals. No content should be taken as professional advice or recommendation.