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Ep. 3: "A huge awakening to the neurodiversity realm" ADHD in children (Rachael's Story)
263 Plays2 years ago
Rachael is social worker, fertility and post partum doula/counsellor and a mother of three children, two of which are neurodivergent. These recent diagnoses mark a whole new chapter in this family's life. When her son started to notice his 'deficits', she knew that he needed extra support. Rachael talks about coming to terms with the additional challenges her family face and balancing her career with her care giving role.
Rachael looks forward to supporting neurodivergent families in the future, combining her lived experience with her professional skills.
https://www.amamaisborn.com.au/
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Transcript
Introduction to the Podcast
00:00:08
Speaker
You are listening to Awaken ADHD, a podcast where people share their ADHD stories, their life before and after diagnosis, their support, strategy, strengths and challenges. Hi, I'm Jade and I'll be your host. I'm a counselor, an ADHD coach and a fellow ADHD-er. So join me as we Awaken ADHD.
00:00:32
Speaker
This podcast is recorded on the lands of the Poomarung country and we wish to acknowledge them as the traditional landowners. We recognise First Peoples of Australia as the original storytellers of this country and pay our respects to elders past, present and emerging.
Meet Rachel: Family's ADHD Journey
00:00:54
Speaker
I'm here with Rachel. She's a mum of three children, five, seven and eight, two of which are neurodivergent. She's a private practice social worker and fertility and postpartum doula in Seaford, Victoria. A mum is born, Rachel, that's you. That's me. Hello. Lovely to be here. Hello. Lovely. Thank you for joining us. How are you doing today?
00:01:19
Speaker
I am well. I'm enjoying a lovely day with children in Kinda and school, which is a rare occurrence for me. So it's quite peaceful. Ah, beautiful. That's just what we want to hear. Alrighty, let's jump right in. Do you want to just share a little bit about when you first, I guess, awakened ADHD within your children?
00:01:42
Speaker
Yeah, so the last couple of years has been a huge awakening, I guess, to the whole neurodiversity realm. I haven't had any other known family members or even friends that have had
00:02:03
Speaker
Neurodiversity or ADHD. So when we sort of started going down the path of looking into this for our middle child, he threw a very long process over COVID and lockdowns and all sorts of things. He came back just before he started PrEP Foundation, which is our first year of schooling here in Victoria. He came back as being autistic.
00:02:30
Speaker
At that stage, we didn't actually assess for ADHD just because he was only four or five at that time. What was that moment like for you and your family?
00:02:48
Speaker
I never, I could never really, you know, some people really have a gut feeling that that's what it is. I really was never sure. I just knew it was really, really hard to parent him and that my usual tools from both being a parent, but also in the work that I do, just were not helping or working with him. So I knew things were tricky and difficult. But I think my
00:03:14
Speaker
you know, understanding which in some ways was minimal around these sorts of things was more the very apparent, you know, language difficulties and huge social difficulties, whereas like my children in some ways haven't had that it's been more, more subtle than that. So it was definitely a shock, I think.
00:03:39
Speaker
It must be a huge shock to try and come to terms with how that is in your family and what that's going to mean. So then you've got this diagnosis right in that foundation year. What happened then?
Navigating Autism Diagnosis and Support
00:03:54
Speaker
So we then got onto applying to the NDIS, which is our, you know, government support system for disability to hopefully get him some funding so we can just start gathering some of these sort of allied health supports for him to help us with some strategies, help him with some strategies. So that in itself is quite a lengthy, managing process.
00:04:21
Speaker
Yeah, and it's very, it's very deficits based, which is really hard, especially as a social as a parent, but as a social worker who tries to look for people's strengths and positive aspects, you really have to report your child on their worst possible day.
00:04:43
Speaker
It's not really affirming, is it? It's a triggering process because you're just reeling off all these really difficult things that's happening for your child to get the support that you need to get for them.
00:04:58
Speaker
alongside actually having to be with the kids. It's a busy life, you would have to imagine. Yeah, we sort of had the whole three kids under three, so they're all very close in age. We were in lockdown, well, in and out of lockdowns and the after effect of
00:05:16
Speaker
COVID and starting school and all sorts of things. So yeah, there was a lot happening, a lot to navigate. But we did get approved, which was amazing. So it just meant we could put the things in place that we thought at the time, you know, would help.
00:05:33
Speaker
So that was with the autism diagnosis. That was with the autism. So in the meantime, that was sort of over his four-year-old kinder year and his foundation year.
Eldest Child's ADHD Signs and School Dynamics
00:05:43
Speaker
Our eldest son, who's a year and a half older than our middle son, his behavior was starting to become, I guess, more troubling or difficult. What was difficult and troubling?
00:05:56
Speaker
Well, he was a very calm, he was pretty calm, like toddler, went through kinder years okay, started his foundation year over that sort of COVID period. And he just really all of a sudden had a lot of separation anxieties, a lot of difficulties adjusting to school life.
00:06:18
Speaker
a lot of emotional dysregulation and that sort of just kept increasing. And then in recent years, like that behaviour had become a lot more aggressive and physical.
00:06:31
Speaker
someone at home or outside of home? Home. So both of them actually, and that was where it was always sort of that bit trickier around diagnosis, because most of their stuff is at home with us or with their siblings. Both of them have been quite good at masking their behaviours, you know, in the community and school settings.
00:06:52
Speaker
Yeah i think the big trigger for us was the aggression but also for him getting a little bit older he was starting to notice his own deficit so he was getting really upset with himself for safe like leaving things at school constantly forgetting things.
00:07:09
Speaker
even though he was older than his brother, we were having to keep reminding him constantly of like the day-to-day procedural tasks. There's no way you could tell him to go brush his teeth, brush his hair and go to the toilet. Like he would just get lost along the way. He'd get lost along the way. Do you know something would distract him or you know so
00:07:33
Speaker
I know that feeling and it is heartbreaking because that is the part of the origin story of so many neurodivergent individuals with that self-worth.
00:07:44
Speaker
that at all, why can't I? So he was getting older and able to articulate it better with us as well, just him getting really disappointed, him getting really upset when he's lost stuff that he really likes, the frustration in the household from both sides, because you're constantly telling a child to do the same thing over and over, or you're trying to get out the door, or you're wanting them to get into bed and it's just not
00:08:10
Speaker
It's exhausting journey. Yeah. So again, probably even at that point, I wasn't really sure what we were contending with. We thought it could have been a bit of, you know, post sort of COVID related mental health stuff. There's so many added in complexities there.
00:08:30
Speaker
Absolutely. So we were really lucky to be linked. Well, first we attempted a link with a school psychologist, which didn't really work very well. So then we found another one outside of school. And one of the first things she did was a screening tool around memory and ADHD. And he came back quite high in this sort of inattentive range and ticked a lot of the boxes. I was like, okay.
00:08:59
Speaker
And that was kind of a moment for you that something kind of made sense to you, it sounds like. Yeah, I think so. I, again, probably...
00:09:12
Speaker
you know, from upbringing and just lack of knowing, you sort of have this picture of ADHD as like that really hyperactive, can't sit still, you know, they're the ones that are more boisterous in class or in their play, which wasn't him. What was he like in his play and with his peers?
00:09:34
Speaker
gentle, really creative, gravitates towards playing with the girls. And he can sort of do, I don't like saying that, do as he's told. Like he fits in the school structure in some ways that he'll be attempting to do the schoolwork and attempting to sit and do the things and not being disruptive as such. So it wasn't flagged in the sort of two, three years of his schooling.
00:10:03
Speaker
Isn't that interesting that these children are still being missed if they are appearing to be doing a good job and paying attention and being the model student when really quite often they're masking or not actually hearing, just doing the best they can, not missing things and not being attentive, but covering it up.
00:10:31
Speaker
And I just wondered too, like, because then we went, when we went back to the teacher, I was like, what are you noticing? And then she was, I was like, oh, actually, oh, there is this and this and this. So it's like, so you've seen that, but then like they themselves haven't put it together either. So you sort of just wonder, is it their lack of knowing or understanding or because he's not being disruptive, they're not able to give that attention to him to really investigate that a bit further, you know?
00:10:59
Speaker
Yeah, very true, very true. He went under the radar, I guess, for a lot longer. Right.
Emotional Impact of ADHD Diagnosis
00:11:07
Speaker
Yeah. Now that he's been diagnosed, what kind of difference is that making in the family?
00:11:15
Speaker
So he's is a fairly new diagnosis. So we probably had all of that back only. So we went through quite a lengthy process because we looked at the autism, ADHD and learning difficulties. So it's very new. And then, you know, we had to go and see the pediatrician and all that sort of stuff. So I think
00:11:32
Speaker
Again, I'm very grieved by the diagnosis, I guess, in a sense. There was a few griefs, I guess, because A, that I feel it went on for so long and there's that little bit of remorse around, you know, missing that sort of early intervention type stuff that my other child got to receive.
00:11:52
Speaker
But also you know all of this stuff is lifelong. You hate to think that your child's been struggling that long. But also sort of I guess the difference with the ADHD versus just the straight autism diagnosis for me was the consideration of medications. I feel like that threw in a whole other
00:12:13
Speaker
I guess, mind battle and stuff to learn about and decisions to be made. So we had to sort of sit with that for a while. So it's just a lot of factors, I guess, having the diagnosis of multiple things at the same time. Right. And so for your elders, how is that conversation with him about this diagnosis? How has that been? What does that look like in your family?
00:12:40
Speaker
So when we started the assessments, he was just turned eight. So we were actually very open with him. I said, you know, we're going to go speak with these people. They're going to do some games, but also some tests just to see how your brain is working because, you know, you're getting really annoyed with your memory and and they're able to sort of look into that for you and see what's, you know, what's going on. So he sort of knew what
00:13:08
Speaker
to an extent that an eight-year-old can, what we were doing. We actually saw the pediatrician first without actually having the proper report back from the psych. So he then also talked to him directly and sort of explained how some brains work like this and some brains work like that. And this is what yours is doing. And from, I guess, the get-go, the diagnosis, we've been explaining it
00:13:34
Speaker
I guess as child friendly. As child friendly as you can. We already had a lot of books anyway because we were quite open with our autistic son about you know different brains and autism so he'd been amongst that anyway.
Identity and Connection Through Neurodivergence
00:13:49
Speaker
And how did he take it? What's his languaging around it and does he share it with peers and what's his connection to the story? He's more accepting than the younger brother. He's sort of taking it in his stride. I think one of the first things when I actually had more of a talk with him after the pediatrician, he ran out to his other brother and said, hey,
00:14:12
Speaker
I've got an autism brain too. So there was this level of connection immediately, I guess, and they've since, you know, in recent years had another cousin with autism diagnosed as well. So I think for him, it's probably added to his identity and probably being a missing puzzle piece, I feel. A missing puzzle piece. I think that's beautiful.
00:14:39
Speaker
Sometimes we have bad days though, like last night, it's the first week back of school here and his dad's away for a few nights and, you know, big feels, lots of tiredness. And he was just very emotional and melting down and really frustrated at himself and not liking himself.
00:14:58
Speaker
you know, doesn't feel part of the family. So there's like, he says these things that he doesn't feel part of the family. And I think because he's got that level of awareness that he's having difficulty, like he was having a particularly difficult night. And so I think he has that level of awareness now.
00:15:15
Speaker
that he's having difficulty with things. So then obviously you feel the isolation around that and the worry that you don't fit in. So he definitely has those moments around his worth and his self-identity that are difficult as well. And I guess that speaks to that grief that you mentioned as a parent, having a child that is going to have struggles.
00:15:43
Speaker
And what do you see as some of the, you know, there's going to be things that he's going to struggle with and you've shared some of those. What do you think are some of the ways in which his, you know, his differences and his neurodivergent brain, you know, strengths for him? For him in particular, so he's also at this time of his life,
00:16:08
Speaker
I don't know, he hasn't labelled it, but it's nearly a gender fluid. So he very much gravitates between feminine and masculine type hobbies and likes and interests and friends. So he's, you know, which is from one of my readings of recently's higher proportion, I guess, of neurodivergent people have this sort of gender fluidity stuff. So he very much... Oh, is that so?
00:16:35
Speaker
So I think that really and even with that really fits in his very creative. So he loves dance and making things and art and.
00:16:46
Speaker
performing. So I think that's going to be a real strength for him. And in some ways, it's very confident in his, in some ways, especially with his gender stuff, very confident in his own skin, like he's still very happy to present himself as he is and what he likes to wear and what he likes to play with, whether it's, you know, seen as boy stuff versus girl stuff, he will just like what he likes, which I really, really love.
00:17:07
Speaker
I really love that too and I think there's something quite protective for him there. He's unique and he's got unique brain wiring and he's seeing that and owning that.
Exploring Gender Fluidity and Creative Strengths
00:17:26
Speaker
Even though there's gonna be struggles and there's gonna be hardships, it sounds like right now, even from the earliest of age, he's quite comfortable being him.
00:17:37
Speaker
Yeah, I think so, especially with that sort of those sorts of features of himself. He very much is just happy dressing, playing the way he enjoys and way he loves to express himself. And that's been one of the factors with you know, discussions with school. I don't want the school system to sort of
00:18:00
Speaker
beat that out of him essentially like bullied out of him or you know their sort of systems put on him so that's taken away like I really want him to hold on to that because I feel like that's going to be that's going to be part of his magic like he I can just envision him as like a fashion designer or like Harry Styles like just wearing what he wants to wear and sort of breaking some of those social sort of trends if he sort of you know
00:18:25
Speaker
continues on this path because like that's what you sort of want for any child anyway isn't it that they can just forge their own path yeah and not be put into a box exactly he's unique and and allowing him
00:18:40
Speaker
the ability to just be, yeah, just, you know, as a parent, it sounds like you're trying to take away the different obstacles that are going to pop up to prevent him just to keep flourishing and growing the way in which he grows naturally. Yeah, absolutely. And as Lucky touched on there, just looking at the things that are going to
00:19:02
Speaker
help him along the
Approval and Benefits of NDIS Support
00:19:04
Speaker
way. So we've literally, which I haven't even had the chance to tell you, we literally got approved for his NDIS plan today. So we're finally have funding for him to sort of get some supports, you know, OT for around, you know, the memory staff and the procedural staff, he'll continue with his psychology for all that sort of acceptance and identity staff and then
00:19:24
Speaker
you know, whatever else, you know, maybe some groups and things like that, just so we can really, you know, just start getting that little bit of assistance to sort of make day to day life a bit easier, a bit smoother, put some stuff in for us as well, hopefully. So we're better equipped and educated as to how they support him because we just
00:19:47
Speaker
He's got such huge potential to be really okay in his own skin. But I think if he doesn't have the supports, then he could so quickly also go the other direction as well. Right. I mean, that really makes me think as a parent of a child with a different child, whatever the difference is, that we have to become really educated, don't we?
00:20:16
Speaker
Oh, absolutely. To advocate for them. Yes. Because if
Becoming an Advocate for Neurodivergent Children
00:20:20
Speaker
you don't know what you don't know, so, you know, a big part of my
00:20:24
Speaker
Time now is reading and learning and linking with groups and figuring out resources and all those sorts of things because they're young. They're like six and seven, nearly seven and eight. They don't know either. So I have to be that person for them. So you have to be that person. You have to become a neurodivergent expert
00:20:53
Speaker
in your own right. Yeah, exactly. That's a lot of work in itself. It is a lot of work. What do you feel are going to be the biggest challenges for you as a parent, you and your partner? I think so far, for me, when the boys were
00:21:14
Speaker
starting to get diagnosed, who are obviously coming out of sort of lockdown and all those things. And I sort of just started returning to, after being stay at home with them since birth, starting to do my own sort of work and career shifts and things like that. The biggest challenge has been not being able to do that as I'd hoped. I guess the big change for me is an identity change around I'm now actually a carer as well.
00:21:43
Speaker
And a lot more of my time than what I'd ever anticipated is spent on caring for the kids and their needs and their therapies and all the admin that goes along with it. So that's been a big challenge, I guess, coming to terms with that. Oh, I can only imagine, Rachel, that
00:22:05
Speaker
you had your idea of when you would kind of get back into your career and it's something you're really passionate about, right? That's not just a job to you. Oh no, I'm like, like it, yeah, it fills me up. I love it. This is your passion. So no doubt that plays into the grief component for you, the grief of what your life might look and look like and how it might be different, you know, at least in the, you know,
00:22:34
Speaker
short to medium term, right?
Career Aspirations and Identity Shifts
00:22:36
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. It's really just had to be a gear shift for me around, okay, I thought, you know, around that 2020 time, like things, it was a changing time for me, I was slowly going to get back into it, but then obviously there was a pandemic, but then also there's all this stuff with the kids over the last few years as well. So really trying to
00:22:58
Speaker
reshift that again as well and sort of surrender to, okay, this is what this season is right now. The season of your life. Exactly. And just hope, you know, that my time and ability to sort of do more career-wise, you know, it's still there. It's still waiting. I'm just trying to be really, I guess, patient. Oh, that's hard, isn't it?
00:23:26
Speaker
What aspect of, you know, because I know, I know of your work, of course, what aspect of your, your business or your career can you stay connected to? Have you kind of found something that will be a balance? You know, is that the group, individual? What? Yeah, I think just like dropping my expectations, but originally I thought I'd be able to do a certain amount of
00:23:53
Speaker
know home visits or door visits a month and a certain amount of this and that. I think it's just lowering that so I'm more targeting that I'm doing a bit of the work that I like doing but just over a shorter like period and it's a less less work so maybe two days a week that are pretty solidly dedicated and then sort of working around
00:24:16
Speaker
the other days where there's appointments for the kids and those sorts of things. So there's more, I guess it's more clearer, a bit more boundaries around when it's work time or when it's the other stuff can be booked in and not feeling that I need to say yes to all the work stuff or yes to when the appointments are thrown at me, sort of having choice and boundaries around those sorts of things, I think will help me moving forward. So I feel like I'm achieving a bit of work, but I'm also getting the kids appointments and things achieved.
00:24:45
Speaker
And that acceptance sounds like because as I'm hearing your story, our stories have a lot of similarity in the sense that I also have neurodivergent children, which I haven't shared in my previous story yet. That'll be one of the next episodes where somebody will interview me on my role as a parent.
00:25:07
Speaker
You know my business also has to take a step back and it's something about that acceptance so that I don't.
00:25:17
Speaker
almost build resentment if that's the right term. Definitely. I think it's very easy to build some resentment when there's been a blockage to how you thought life was going to be or career was going to be. It's not resentment towards the child. It's just the unfairness of it and the frustration of having to do this when I really want to do that. Yeah, exactly.
00:25:45
Speaker
Okay. Is there anything else you want to share?
Creating Support Circles for Parents
00:25:48
Speaker
Do you want to share a little bit about some of your work or where people can reach you if they do need your beautiful services or just anything else about your children? I think going through this process with my children, it's really opened up
00:26:03
Speaker
my world to sort of the parenting impact on children with I guess any additional needs of course health-wise or mental health-wise or neurodivergence so I definitely
00:26:16
Speaker
feel myself drawn more and more to offering those spaces. We might get together and run like a mother's circle or something for mothers with additional, you know, children with additional needs.
00:26:34
Speaker
I am absolutely loving that idea and yes. Yes, I thought you'd love that. I mean it's so much easier to so much more natural and intuitive to use this new lived experience and the learned knowledge
00:26:50
Speaker
to share it and connect with people. I'm just so passionate about supporting people, building the village and connecting people. I feel it's so essential, especially, you know, for parents just to have those
00:27:06
Speaker
connections and then being able to connect with people who are on similar journeys. I think it's just such gold in that and magic. So I definitely feel like in the future, not this year, I'm trying to really just draw it all back this year and just know we sort of have a lot going on this year. But for future goals, like definitely would love to do that and definitely put it in the plan.
00:27:25
Speaker
calling in, you know, those moms that are having difficulties just sort of coming to terms or parenting children with additional needs, you know, having them in my counselling space, you know, would love to support them through that. So I definitely
00:27:41
Speaker
open to having new clients. I do in-person and, you know, telehealth appointments or even in-home. I'm happy to do in-home appointments as well because I know especially those that have children with additional needs that it can be hard to leave the house or to find appropriate people to look after them.
00:28:01
Speaker
your resources. Sometimes you don't have any babysitters because no one knows how to walk after them. So true, so true. Well, it's been an absolute pleasure talking to you as always. And no doubt you'll jump back on at another time and share some more experiences as we go down the track.
00:28:22
Speaker
Yes, I feel I'm very, I feel I'm still very early in it. So we'll touch base in another six to 12 months and see how the story is progressing. Exactly, exactly. Lovely. Thanks so much. Thanks, Jane.
00:28:39
Speaker
you've been listening to AwakenedADHD.
Closing Remarks and Personal Disclaimer
00:28:43
Speaker
And if you'd love to share your story, jump online, visit AwakenedHD.com.au and don't forget to follow and subscribe on your favourite podcast platform. Till next time.
00:29:01
Speaker
This podcast is not a licensed mental health provider. It represents the personal opinions and experiences of individuals. No content should be taken as professional advice or recommendation.