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Mini Couples ep.3: Feeling Rejected
165 Plays10 months ago
In these mini relationship episodes we'll explore common relationship conflict patterns that emerge with neurodivergent and neurotypical couples. These patterns are often more destructive when ADHD is either undiagnosed or not understood.
In this episode we'll look at how Rejection Sensitivity can show up and create chaos. Or at the very least, cause hurt, misunderstandings and hyperviggilance (constantly scanning for threat).
I'll share some simple (in theory) strategies to support you in working with these rejected feelings with minimal relationship rupture.
I also refer to The Gottmans "Soft Start Up" strategy for bringing up topics and feeling with your partner.
So if you find yourself easily hurt, walking on eggshells, worried your parter is upset with you, defending yourself when there is even a hint of (perceived) criticism, then this episode is for you.
Please feel free to reach out via email Jade@awakeninsights.com.au or explore my website for counselling, coaching and other content.
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Transcript
Introduction and Acknowledgment
00:00:06
Speaker
You are listening to Awaken ADHD, a podcast where people share their ADHD stories, life before and after diagnosis, support, strategies, strengths and challenges.
00:00:17
Speaker
Hi, I'm Jade and I'll be your host. I'm a counsellor, ADHD coach and fellow ADHDer. So join me as we Awaken ADHD.
00:00:31
Speaker
This podcast was recorded on the land of the Boon Wurrung people of the Kulin Nation. and we wish to acknowledge them as traditional owners. We recognise First Peoples of Australia as the original storytellers and pay our respects to Elders past, present and emerging.
Understanding Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
00:00:51
Speaker
Welcome to another mini-relationship episode of Awaken ADHD. So here we're going to look at another relationship pattern that I have dubbed Feeling Rejected.
00:01:06
Speaker
Now, as an ADHD and myself, I know that the term rejection sensitivity dysphoria is pretty familiar to me and I'm sure it's familiar to you, even if you're not sure in all the areas that it shows up in your life.
00:01:24
Speaker
So we're going to have a look at how it shows up in relationships, some of the obstacles, some of the challenges. what that impact is on your relationship, whether it's your partner relationship, work relationship, friend relationship.
00:01:41
Speaker
in The focus focus of these many topics is ah more romantic relationships, but I think it's rinse and repeat in many cases that it can show up wherever we can show up vulnerably.
00:01:57
Speaker
So it might be more an outward experience of it in an intimate partner relationship. However, it might be more an internal experience of it, meaning you might hold it or shove it down when it's experienced in other relationships.
The Impact of Rejection Sensitivity on Relationships
00:02:14
Speaker
That sound familiar? So here we go. Let's look at some of the challenges. Some of the challenges we know of include You know, this self-worth that we bring to the relationship.
00:02:33
Speaker
We know there's many statistics out there about an ADHDer's experience of anxiety negative comments and negative perception and criticism that I don't have the stats with me right now.
00:02:48
Speaker
I'm not good with numbers, but let's just say a lot more than perhaps the average person. You know, we might be criticized for being late or forgetful or just listen, pay attention.
00:03:02
Speaker
If only you tried those sort of stories that I'm talking about, not feeling acceptable. So we bring years and years and years of that into any relationship and we're going to be a little, little sensitive to it.
00:03:19
Speaker
I'm going to feel hypervigilant, really hyper aware is the other person thinking I'm good enough? The slight hint of criticism could have us running away.
00:03:32
Speaker
So we come with this feeling of perhaps not good enough, even if that's not externally what we present to the world.
People-Pleasing and Perfectionism Origins
00:03:39
Speaker
It might show up as people-pleasing, perfectionism.
00:03:44
Speaker
We might really feel so inherently rejected or rejecting of ourselves or feeling rejected by others that we establish this people-pleasing tendency and perfectionism can be part of that.
00:03:58
Speaker
If it's not good enough, it's not good enough. And we know with perfectionism, which is a whole nother episode and shout out, please reach out if you are a perfectionist and would like to talk about how that's shown up in your life and and how it's showing up now, maybe before diagnosis and after diagnosis.
00:04:16
Speaker
I know a few people that I work with and definitely sit in this camp. I'm not sure I'm a perfectionist, but I am an age old people pleaser. Hi, my name's Jade and I'm a people pleaser.
00:04:28
Speaker
And I'm sure a few of you are saying, hi, Jade, I'm a people pleaser too. People pleasing can, can show up in the relationship, but what it can actually, just in hindsight, as I'm, as I'm thinking, as I'm talking,
00:04:43
Speaker
It can show up as appearing to be people pleasing, but actually avoiding conflict and building resentment, which I'll talk about a little bit later. I'm jumping 20 steps ahead of myself.
00:04:55
Speaker
Let's just move on to the idea of the the self admonishment. the idea that we are rejecting and criticising ourselves for these executive functions that might not be might not be all on board at all times or might be really challenged or drained.
00:05:12
Speaker
So when we do drop the ball and we miss something, we scold ourselves and And then we might also receive the criticism or scolding from our loved ones or our boss or whoever it is.
Reactions to Criticism and Perceived Criticism
00:05:26
Speaker
And it's just like a double kick to the guts. I don't think anybody is as highly critical as we are of ourselves. So what do we do We become defensive to protect ourselves.
00:05:39
Speaker
As soon as we get a hint of criticism, even if it's something we've already been punishing ourselves for, we're going step right on in and make excuses or flip the story back to the other person, yeah really in order to protect ourselves.
00:05:55
Speaker
We're also, like I said, hypervigilant. So really scanning for disapproving tone, body language, even neutral facial expressions.
00:06:06
Speaker
ah in particular for individuals that might have come from some attachment trauma or i had previous a lot of ruptures in their close relationships, they might feel even more vigilant just watching for that neutral facial facial expression but There might be boredom on their partner. It might be fatigue.
00:06:28
Speaker
And however, we scan in, we look at that face. It doesn't look like they're happy with us. Therefore, we must have disappointed. Oh shit, what have I done? I'll be speaking from personal experience here.
00:06:39
Speaker
that is That is how I have shown up in the world. If you look kind of neutral or tired or bored, my response is, what have I done? And In the past, I can respond in a way that is defensive or critical, deflecting. What's wrong with you?
00:06:56
Speaker
Why are you angry? To which partner will say, I'm i'm not angry, but you seem angry. I'm so familiar with people being angry and disappointed in me that I assume it's about me. which is another one of those relationship patterns. It's not all about me.
00:07:11
Speaker
However, it feels like that. And that doesn't come from a narcissistic framework or disposition, whatever you want to call it. It comes from worry, vigilance.
00:07:22
Speaker
threat detection, protection. So the next part of that is a low tolerance for feedback or constructive criticism. It can be really hard to hear feedback.
00:07:33
Speaker
You know, when I say constructive criticism, it's really, here's how you hurt me or here's something you do that's frustrating. I wonder if you can change it or I wonder if there's another way of of dealing with this.
00:07:47
Speaker
That can be felt on a really personal level. If you don't like the thing I've done or the way I've behaved, then you don't
Shame's Role in Empathy and Connection
00:07:55
Speaker
like me. I'm not good. Now, people pleasers out there will feel that in a big way, but I think most of you listening will probably feel that rejected feeling.
00:08:04
Speaker
And again, we can we can push back with defense. So it might get in the way of being empathic, ah really connecting to the other person's feeling in distress.
00:08:17
Speaker
of imagining you're in their shoes, of looking through there their eyes, through their lens. We can be so caught up in our own story of not good enough or here I go again, I've let that let them down again.
00:08:32
Speaker
When am I going to be better? When am I going to be different? Or why don't they like us? Why don't they think we're good enough? that we get caught in our own shame spiral and then we are missing the other person.
00:08:44
Speaker
We're missing that piece. So the impact in the relationship, you the other person feeling accused of rejecting behavior? Back to that idea of why are you angry?
00:08:56
Speaker
Why are you mad at me? What's wrong? And that partner needing to self-monitor more how am I behaving that might be perceived as rejecting. You know, the partner might be more holding back of criticism, I guess.
00:09:12
Speaker
More reserved, more vigilant themselves. Partner might also feel as though they're not heard and understood. They might say things like, you always make it about me. You never understand my side.
00:09:23
Speaker
You tell me how I make you feel rather than imagining what it's like for me. it goes back to that empathic reflection. If I'm so caught in my own shame, how can I imagine what it's like for you?
00:09:35
Speaker
And in that, you know, they might feel, and and I've seen this in the relationship work I do, the the need then or the focus of this conflict or whatever is happening becomes on making the person who is feeling shame feel okay again rather than maybe what the conflict was about to begin with.
Breaking Negative Patterns with Vulnerability
00:09:56
Speaker
So it takes away from that experience of resolving something or hearing the other person. Then what happens? They feel dismissed. They might feel rejection.
00:10:07
Speaker
They might feel that the topic of rejection is actually prioritized over their own need. So they're attending to other when they, in fact, may have been the one that had the the need in the first place.
00:10:19
Speaker
It becomes this cycle of not quite being able to share their needs and their hurts. And then they start walking on eggshells. That's where you build up this these grievances, this resentment,
00:10:33
Speaker
the shutting down then exploding can happen on both sides. It's a familiar pattern that can come from this familiar relationship pattern of, oh, what I don't want to perceive, be perceived to be criticizing them, so i'm going to walk on eggshells, and then you build up, shut down, explode.
00:10:54
Speaker
And on the other side, I don't want to be criticized. I want to be vulnerable to rejection. So I'm going to people please and keep my mouth shut and just go along with it until I can no longer hold it in.
00:11:10
Speaker
Basically what I'm saying is don't shove all your stuff down and then explode. That's not helpful to anybody. However, it is helpful. a common experience in relationships.
00:11:23
Speaker
It can take a lot of bravery, a lot of vulnerability, sometimes a a lot of time and energy. You know, in the day-to-day busy life of of a couple with or without children, it can be exhausting to find time where you're both were you both able to have these conversations? And when I say able, you know, at the end of the day, we might be tired. We might be just ready to to zone out, ready to just enjoy ourselves.
00:11:57
Speaker
And the last thing we want to do is, hey, I want to talk to you about my feelings or I want to potentially um poke at our relationship even though everything's okay right now.
00:12:10
Speaker
That's a scary thing to do. You've got to have trust that both you and your partner can hold those big conversations without it creating absolute chaos.
00:12:22
Speaker
ah One of my favourite go-to, and I know many of my clients that I work with, This happens
Timing and Communication in Sensitive Conversations
00:12:31
Speaker
as well. And look, it is not intentional. And I have to try and not do this.
00:12:36
Speaker
But right at the end of the day, when I lie down and I stop doing everything, stop busying myself, I think about those things that I wanted to say. think about life. I get quite big and existential.
00:12:51
Speaker
And then, of course, I want to share something of that. It will not often the right time because it's late at night. I'm never going to be able to complete that thought and that feeling and express it in the way that does it justice.
00:13:07
Speaker
ah just might impulsively throw something out there and then, okay, it's off my mind, go to sleep. Or it starts a big conflict and then I wish that I'd never done it. Put your hands up if you've done that before.
00:13:22
Speaker
Yeah, I can't see you, but I can feel lots of hands being raised right now because we struggle to get to sleep as it is, many of us. All of those competing thoughts and ideas and and everything kind of just floods in that you've tried to keep at bay during the day and then it's there at nighttime.
00:13:42
Speaker
What do you do with it? I try and jot it down. try and park not always successfully. And the fallout of that, is that then the other partner is like, whoa, you just dumped this on me.
00:13:56
Speaker
Even if it's a familiar pattern, even if it feels like it's something that is already known within the relationship. I was about to go to sleep and rest easily and now I can't.
00:14:07
Speaker
So then there there isn't trust on either side. So how do we work with this? How do we interrupt some of these patterns so that we can connect and and be vulnerable and share them rather than let them build up?
00:14:23
Speaker
Firstly, I think we need to acknowledge this rejection sensitivity dysphoria. And you can put you can use that phrase, Or you can just acknowledge the experience of being vigilant and on the lookout for rejection.
00:14:39
Speaker
Acknowledge how it's shown up for you in the past, how that little person inside you used to feel. What were some of the stories you had told to you or felt when you were a kid?
00:14:52
Speaker
Were you lazy, forgetful, not trying hard enough, never good enough? What things led you to Notice that. What did you experience? did you Did you hear loud voices and stern facial expression?
00:15:09
Speaker
Did you have this outward criticism? So once you have some awareness of of how it's shown up in your life, then you're able to notice what you are tuning into or aware of as an adult.
00:15:26
Speaker
What am I noticing in my partner? What kind of experiences lead me to believe that they are rejecting me or they are criticizing me or they are not happy with me? We need to check in with that.
00:15:39
Speaker
And by check it might be as simple as, okay, you notice your partner's face is looking stern or neutral. Instead of an you know immediately making it about you you, want to do some fact checking.
00:15:56
Speaker
by actually reaching to them, hey, everything okay? And they might say, oh, yeah, I'm just a bit tired. Or, oh, I feel a bit overwhelmed by everything that needs to get done.
Emotional Regulation and Constructive Interactions
00:16:09
Speaker
or they might say, yeah I'm just feeling a bit frustrated. There's so much here for me to do and ah don't feel like you've helped.
00:16:21
Speaker
That's big. That can hit you. So when you hear that, It's going to take a lot of awareness and emotional regulation to not come immediately to the defense, to take accountability, to say, okay, this person cannot like that I haven't emptied the dishwasher even though I was home first.
00:16:47
Speaker
Doesn't mean they don't like me. So I can say, oh you're tired. You're overwhelmed. and you're disappointed that it's not done. Yep, I'm going to do it right now or whatever the scenario is.
00:17:02
Speaker
It takes a lot of emotional capacity to not make defences, to not make excuses. Oh, well, I'm exhausted too and, you know, you don't always do it by the time I've gotten home and and all of those stories that that show up when we're trying to protect ourselves.
00:17:22
Speaker
well, that's not fair because then we're sitting in our own rejection of I'm not good enough. Does that make sense? So practicing noticing, you know, your partner walks in the room, you notice what is this threat I'm feeling?
00:17:36
Speaker
You might feel it in your body and then you're going to check in. You're going to fact check, which is attunement to the other person. It's not just fact checking for yourself. That's part of it.
00:17:49
Speaker
The other part is actually holding your story lightly and then checking in to see how they are. Maybe they are upset, but it's not about you.
00:18:00
Speaker
Maybe they are angry, but it's not about you. You could even say, oh, I'm noticing your face is really stern and i am I've got that feeling that I've done something wrong.
00:18:11
Speaker
You might be at that stage where you're checking in with them, you're caring for them, but you're also letting them know that you feel a bit vulnerable. And see what happens. See if you can make an agreement with your partner that that sort of conversation is okay.
00:18:26
Speaker
And then maybe if they're going to be reflecting something that is a disappointment in you, but they can do it in soft way. The Gottmans, John Julie Gottman, speak about a soft startup to any sort of sharing of feelings or disappointment or what have you.
00:18:45
Speaker
The I feel about what I need. ah can put that in the show notes. It's a really good template to become familiar with because you can say, hey, I'm feeling a bit sensitive to rejection.
00:18:58
Speaker
Or I notice that you seem upset and I'm worried I'm going to get defensive or reactive. And then you both practice this. Because many, many, many people are sensitive to rejection for all sorts of reasons.
Fostering Reassurance and Self-Awareness
00:19:12
Speaker
And many people feel, you know, a low self-worth. So it's really important that we are there to reassure one another. that we take accountability for our own emotional responses.
00:19:24
Speaker
We keep reflecting, we keep breathing, we keep doing the work, we keep showing up for ourselves, the little kid within us, our partner, and the little kid within them.
00:19:38
Speaker
So I think we could talk for hours and hours and hours on on rejection sensitivity. And this is one of the ways that it does show up in our intimate relationships.
00:19:50
Speaker
comes down to not just the words that are coming out of someone's mouth, but what we observe and perceive. Or a simple phrase is, the story I'm telling myself is, you're angry with me.
00:20:06
Speaker
You're disappointed in me. You think I'm not good enough. You're about to criticize me. Whatever the story is, It's a really good way of saying what you're feeling without actually throwing it, projecting it at them.
00:20:21
Speaker
You are owning the story yourself and and knowing it doesn't have to be true whilst also reaching and looking for assurance. And that is okay.
00:20:33
Speaker
So there is rejection in relationships and I hope some of this has resonated with you made sense to you been helpful to you.
Engagement and Closing Remarks
00:20:45
Speaker
It's an ongoing difficult story to work with and it's probably going to be ongoing till the end of time. So be kind to yourself. It is a slow process.
00:20:56
Speaker
If you would love to share your story or maybe not love to, if you are willing, brave enough to come and share your story on any aspect of ADHD or neurodivergence, how it might show up for you or your partner or your children or whatever that may be,
00:21:14
Speaker
or even if you are a professional that has and some some insights on this and would like to talk through that lens or for your career experience, I would also love to hear that too.
00:21:30
Speaker
So please reach out, awakenadhd.com.au. And I'd love to hear from you. Until then, stay your neuro-sparkly, neuro-spicy, whatever term you like or don't like, selves.
00:21:48
Speaker
I'll see you next time.
00:21:53
Speaker
This podcast is not a licensed mental health provider. It represents the personal opinions and experiences of individuals. No content should be taken as professional advice or recommendation.