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016 - Finding Authenticity and Self-Care: A Journey Through Politics, Relationships, Vulnerability, and Personal Growth
41 Plays11 months ago
In this episode, Reggie sits down with Tamara “Tap” Bates to discuss her journey into politics, the importance of local elections, and the impact of her childhood on her fear of rejection. Tap opens up about her struggles with people-pleasing, the fear of losing someone, and the need for self-care in a demanding society. The conversation also delves into the power of meditation as a tool for grounding and resetting the mind. The duo engages in a candid conversation about the power of understanding different perspectives and the challenges of vulnerability in relationships. They share personal experiences, reflecting on the impact of childhood trauma, communication styles, and the importance of therapy in their journeys.
Tap shares insights into her personal journey, emphasizing the importance of authenticity, self-discovery, and embracing imperfections. The duo explores the impact of vulnerability on personal growth, relationships, and building a supportive community. Tap reflects on the strength vulnerability has given her, dismantling the stigma around not having it all together. The episode delves into the courage it takes to be open, the role of shame in suppressing emotions, and the significance of creating a safe space for genuine connections.
Highlights:
- Tamara’s role as the Director of Community Engagement and Civic Outreach for the Tennessee Democratic Party.
- The impact of societal expectations and the fear tied to productivity.
- The significance of self-care, taking a break, and addressing the fear of rejection.
- The conflict between fearlessness and people-pleasing tendencies.
- The realization that a thought doesn't have to be true or false; both can coexist.
- The role of meditation in grounding and finding authenticity in a chaotic world.
- The significance of acknowledging and respecting diverse perspectives in relationships, highlighting the need for open dialogue and empathy.
- The complexities of being vulnerable, touching on the fear of judgment, past experiences, and the struggle to share personal truths in relationships.
- The idea of setting non-negotiables in relationships, recognizing the value of self-respect and personal boundaries.
- How past traumas shape their perspectives and influence their approach to relationships.
- Discover how genuine transformation occurs when you start showing up authentically.
- The ongoing process of self-discovery and personal growth, highlighting the role of therapy in uncovering patterns and developing healthier communication strategies.
- The importance of consistency and therapy in Tap's journey to self-discovery and understanding her thought patterns.
- The impact of shame on suppressing emotions and the power of courage in sharing one's life openly.
Connect with Reggie
IG - https://instagram.com/reggiedford
LinkedIn - https://linkedin.com/in/reggiedford
YouTube - https://youtube.com/@reggiedford
Website - https://reggiedford.com
Connect with Tamara:
IG: https://www.instagram.com/taptheconnector
LI: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tamaralbates/
Resources Mentioned:
Equity Alliance - https://theequityalliance.org/
Organize Tennessee - https://www.organizetennessee.org/
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Transcript
Meditation and Therapy: Tools for Healing
00:00:00
Speaker
started taking meditation serious two years ago when I started going back to therapy and for me meditation is a tool to just ground me in a sense to help me reset and what it has done for me
00:00:18
Speaker
is it has allowed me to filter through my thoughts of letting me really like know that like, yo, just because you thinking this doesn't mean it's true, but also doesn't mean that it's not true. So two things can be true at the same time too.
Introducing 'Vulnerability Muscle' Podcast
00:00:36
Speaker
Welcome to Vulnerability Muscle, the empowering podcast, challenging norms and guiding you to find strength and power through vulnerability. I'm your host, Reggie D. Ford.
00:00:47
Speaker
In a world that often portrays vulnerability as a sign of weakness, I believe it is a source of tremendous strength and authenticity. Through insightful conversations and thought-provoking interviews, Vulnerability Muscle aims to redefine vulnerability and help listeners develop a new perspective on their own lives. Each episode of Vulnerability Muscle delves into a variety of topics, such as mental health, social issues, and mindset shifts. We explore the power of vulnerability in healing,
00:01:15
Speaker
building resilience and promoting personal growth, as well as fostering meaningful connections. This podcast provides practical tools and strategies to navigate life's challenges, overcome adversity, and create more inclusive and just environments for all people.
The Significance of Self-Care Time Off
00:01:31
Speaker
Tamara Bates, what's up? How you doing? What's going on, my brother? What's going on? Not much, not much. What you got going on these days?
00:01:40
Speaker
doing me. And what I mean by doing me is doing what feels good to me and not what feels good or looks good to other people. So I'm doing me. So that's what I got going. And really working.
00:01:56
Speaker
Working. Are you working this week? No, I ain't working. I took a self-care week. A self-care week for me. The entire week. The entire week. I mean, you know, I work where you need to either use your hours or you lose them. So I was like, look, so I guess what hours are for to use them. And so I say, you know what? I got the remaining of these hours. I'm going to go ahead and use them because
00:02:21
Speaker
Like, you gotta use them. So I was just like, you know what? I'm finna use my iris and don't feel bad about using them. Hey, don't feel bad about that. You gotta take care of yourself. You do. Definitely do. Especially in this society that we live in.
00:02:35
Speaker
And it's just like always if you're not producing it sometimes or society try to make you feel that your worth is tied to what you produce. And so I say, you know what, I'm going to take these hours and my body been feeling it too. Like my body actually needed this risk. And so I'm grateful that I decided to follow my mind and take them hours.
00:03:01
Speaker
And you're still worthy, even though you're not producing right now. You could be at home sitting down, still worthy. I love that. What is it that you do for work?
Connecting Communities: Civic Engagement Strategies
00:03:10
Speaker
So currently I work with the Tennessee Democratic Party as our director of community engagement and civic outreach and that's more so just making sure that elected officials one are out not only in the community but the four facing people understand like what Democrats are doing and who we are and hosting events so that we can win
00:03:35
Speaker
get more people to run for office so we can really have people in office that represent values that are democratic. That's what I do. Tell me the journey now. I want to know how you got to that place. Let's start from the beginning. Where are you from and what led to a passion and being in the political space?
00:03:56
Speaker
Right. So originally, I'm from Memphis, Tennessee, born and raised. And I would say the space into which like bridge me into politics, it wasn't in my adolescence or like while I was in grade school a little while I was in Memphis.
00:04:15
Speaker
I will always, you know, while you in church or out in the community, my mom and my grandmother, they were always going to like community events or they were always in something that involved like speaking up for the people.
00:04:31
Speaker
However, it wasn't talked about in the household about this is, you know, what we should be standing up for. It was just always seen, like it was always modeled. And it was like one of those things that's not talked about. However, you were exposed to it. And fast forward, when I moved to Little Rock to attend college, I went to Phil Anderson University in Little Rock, Arkansas.
00:04:59
Speaker
There was a time where, as a student, I was able to be curious on what's going on around me. And there were a lot of community elected officials that were always on campus because, of course, you're in the inner city, in the middle of
00:05:18
Speaker
downtown Little Rock. And so, of course, you have elected community leaders, there was always something on campus. But also too, I made myself available, you know, just to get to know people and asking questions and then being a curious kid. And one day it was this guy actually
00:05:40
Speaker
I met his wife before I met him. And I would see him around, but I didn't know who he was. But I met his wife because his wife at the time, she was a student at Philander. And I just happened to run into her one day and she said, you know, I've been watching you around campus
00:06:01
Speaker
you know, how would you like to come and meet, you know, my husband, he's an elected official, and he would like to, you know, get more young people involved in the work that, you know, like elected official work as well. And so fast forward, I end up meeting him.
00:06:18
Speaker
However, he wanted me to go knock some doors on a Saturday, and usually, you know, on a Saturday morning, it's like, nah, that's out of, nah, bruh, I'm not doing it. But I thought about it, I was like, you know what, at least I'm gonna get a free meal. As a college student, you also put that into play, because I'ma miss the cab. Yeah, I'ma miss the cab, because if I get up about, like, at that time, eight o'clock to probably about noon,
00:06:46
Speaker
Bro, I'ma been amidst my calve time. So like, if they had to been in the negotiations, like, all right, you gotta give me food. But that day, that they really opened up my eyes into what public service and politics and overall community activism looked like because we went from barbershops to churches,
00:07:13
Speaker
to like chicken shacks. Like he was, we went everywhere. We was like on a little mini tour with him. And so from that day, we had like this, created this relationship. There were some more young people who we all got together and formed this group called Rocket Airboat, like just because of his leadership. And so that's pretty much was my introduction into like this, the work that I'm doing now, because it's just like, once you did that,
00:07:43
Speaker
You were always into something. Yeah, definitely. That's amazing. I think when I was in college, I was so far from being interested in politics because I felt like it wasn't applicable to me. I felt like nothing I could do at that age, nothing I could say would make a difference. And it wasn't until probably
00:08:05
Speaker
fresh out of college, I started getting into, I guess, you know, Obama was being, was running for president the first time I was able to vote. He was running for a second term. And so like, so I was, that was something I was excited about. But other than that, I was just like, what are these people going to do for me? And I definitely didn't have a post on local elections, which are even more critical. Can you speak to that? Right. So I always shared that local elections is the heartbeat, is the pulse of
00:08:36
Speaker
the convening of the state and the city. Well, no, the city in which you resided because local politics pretty much
00:08:46
Speaker
It drives everything that engages local politics like your city mayor. Your city mayor is like the governor of the city, which is like the governor of the state, but he's the chief executive officer for that city.
00:09:08
Speaker
and you have your elected officials, like city council members, they are like your, I put it in the sense of form of like your US reps, but they're just on a city wide, a city, local level. Then you got your judges who also plays a role into a,
00:09:39
Speaker
They are like the glue to making sure that everything that comes from the mayors to the city officials, also the school board is being ran and decent in order. And so when we say that you don't have an opportunity, again, if you don't vote to vote for a judge, because sometimes judgment shifts, if I'm not mistaken, don't quote me, like 10 years.
00:10:08
Speaker
It's like a 10 year appointment. That's a long time for a judge to be in a space and when people don't get out and vote, you just keeping it in place. But also too, it goes back to civic education.
00:10:26
Speaker
We don't do a great job of educating people on why they should actually vote and get involved in, you know, just like their civil civil rights and civic duty. So we have to do a better job of it.
00:10:41
Speaker
What are some good resources for
Empowering Voters through Education
00:10:43
Speaker
that? Because I have a system that I use when it comes time to vote where I'll take the ballot and then I start searching people's names on Ballotpedia or even social media, just getting a post for who they are. I'll go to their website sometimes, but I feel like nobody's going to paint the whole picture of who they are on their own website. It's all going to be good. But what are some good resources you think people can turn into?
00:11:07
Speaker
And when you look at, as a whole, I will say the Equity Alliance here, and well, it's a statewide organization. They do a great job of putting together like a report card, a booklet of people who are running for office and also incumbents. So they give you the history, it gives you the rundown, everything that you really need to know so that you can make the best informed decision for yourself.
00:11:36
Speaker
Also, I will say that Organized Tennessee, they do a great job of making sure that you can have the end of know of like what issues will be on balance so you can they can break it down so you can understand it like
00:11:55
Speaker
If a fifth grader needed to know it, they break it down in that range. Let's see who else comes to mind. Vanderbilt, they have this...
00:12:09
Speaker
Like during the elections, Vanderbilt does just like, they put out like data and information, but it usually comes around when the election is going on because like they're giving like fresh insight and data. Uh, but it's usually like comes like from like the, the Vanderbilt, uh, political, political department. And I'm not sure if they have a website, but I will find out and I can share that with you, that you can even share it like with your audience and stuff.
00:12:38
Speaker
Absolutely. All right. I appreciate that. Yeah, I just I think it's so important just to be informed and to know that your voice actually matters and get out there and vote. And so I like to talk about that. But but you you intrigue me on so many other levels outside of the work that you do. What?
00:12:58
Speaker
How, one, like your personality, your authenticity and how you show up. Like it's so beautiful. Where did you, like, have you always possessed that where you just show up as who you are is like tap, like you, you come in and where the name tap come from? Yeah. So first tap comes from me. I play the drums.
00:13:18
Speaker
And I played the drum set, played drumline while I was in college. And I've always just picked up drums. I was playing drums, been playing drums since I was about five. You would go into my grandma kitchen, take all her pots and pans out and just have a whole little concert by myself. So that's where Tap came from and my cousin.
00:13:43
Speaker
He would always call me, what did he say? Tamara Hill from Cardi B, or Tapp Hill from Cardi B, or some shit. But I've just always kept that side of me. Tapp is that unapologetic person.
00:14:03
Speaker
You're going to get what you see. It is what it is. Either I get in trouble for it, or you don't like it, but that's just going to be my raw authentic self. And so I always, from time to time, had to pull from this strength because I was like, where did fear come from for me? And I always just be trying to sit back in.
00:14:32
Speaker
figure it out, because fear had to come from somewhere, but I always pull it back to the strength like, yo, tap ain't scared of nothing. And I'm not, it's just, I'm observant, but also I'm not gonna back down from anything either. So that's how I show up, and it's just like, hey, either you get with the program or shit, I'm not the person for you. So that's where your tap come from.
00:15:00
Speaker
I love it, I love it. So some of those fears, what are the fears that, like tap is fearless, but what are the fears that tomorrow sends? Man, people pleasing. Like in the fear of like, you know, if I don't do this,
00:15:18
Speaker
this gonna resort to this because I didn't say yes to this person or you know I'm trying to navigate my way and you know survive and I think to survival is one of those those coping or not to say a coping it's not coping but fear and survival like also play a role into it too and so it's just like
00:15:44
Speaker
When you don't have where you got this sketchy mindset, it's just like you fearful. It's like, oh shit, like I'm trying to, you know, not go off the edge. However, I don't have what I need to thrive. So it's just like, I found myself in places like,
00:16:04
Speaker
compromising myself because I needed what I needed in that moment because I was trying to get what I need. And that's even career, that's relationships, that's, you know,
00:16:20
Speaker
in spaces of getting what I needed. I've compromised it. That's like a fear thing. I've been through it recently and I was like, yo, I just got to chill out. Fear is the fear of losing somebody. However, it comes from, too,
00:16:47
Speaker
trying to go back to a place where it's like, where does this like come from? Like, like dig into the deep of the root. And so I was just like, you know what, I need to just sit with myself and like work on it because you know, growing up
00:17:08
Speaker
you're not scared, not to say you're not scared of anything, but you have a better sense of just doing what you feel free to do without being told
Exploring Fear of Rejection and Self-Worth
00:17:21
Speaker
no. And it's just like, once you get to being told no over and over again, that starts to lessen you. And so I was just like, you know what? Let me really work through this because too, it's just like, it can be hard.
00:17:37
Speaker
when you try to work through something, but you already got it made up in your mind, it's what it is. That's interesting. I think what I hear is fear of rejection of some sort. I sense that every day, I swear I do. Even in work and in personal life,
00:18:03
Speaker
Like in work, if I'm like trying to get a client or trying to land a speaking engagement or something like that, I'll see that, you know, what came before it? Like if the call that I had before, the email that I had before was like a yes, it's like, all right, I feel a little bit more confident about going for that next one, as opposed to if
00:18:21
Speaker
And even if on a subconscious level, I feel rejected somehow, I didn't get the email back or it's like a, hold up, let me call you back. I had to reschedule. Like that's kind of subconscious. Like, Oh, I'm not a priority. And so then it's like, I don't even want to make that next call. And that is an automatic. No, it's like, it's like what Jordan said. Like you miss a thousand, you miss all the shots that you don't take and.
00:18:42
Speaker
And so what I hear is there's a conflict inside you because there's a fearless... If you're not rocking with me, then I'm not for you, but also a people pleaser. Where do you think that comes from? What does the people pleaser part come from? I will say it stems from my mom, because my mom always
00:19:07
Speaker
wanted to say yes to everything, even when she didn't have the strength to do it. It was always, I got to do this, I got to show up. And also this, from a perspective of you have to provide, it was always going, going, going. So being like a busy body.
00:19:32
Speaker
I've, you know, see that mirror. I see that mirror in me and it's just like, I don't want to let nobody down, but also too, it's just like, well, motherfuckers let me down. So I can let some people down. I mean, I can let you down and not feel bad about it. And there's that responsibility all the time.
00:19:58
Speaker
That is a place of revitalization of my soul, of my being that I'm working on because, again, me not going to work. I don't care if I let somebody down. It's for me because I need
00:20:14
Speaker
to be whole for myself so that I can pour into my work. Because hell, if I'm not whole, my work is going to lay. And that's just dead on it. It ain't no matter how we see it or see it, if you are not whole where you can lay.
00:20:37
Speaker
Get up and send an email or you know, your mind is fresh. You're not gonna be good to nobody then your work is lacking So then therefore you have another problem because now your boss Or your teammates are looking at you upside your head like what the hell you doing? So I think for me taking this week off it has been like a What's what I'm trying to say like a
00:21:04
Speaker
a rejuvenation period, like to get back and do what I need to do. So I can finish these next three weeks out. Right. That is a whole message right there.
00:21:17
Speaker
if you're not taken care of, if you're not whole, you can't show up for the people that you're trying to show up for. Like I loved that because I think so often we get into this mindset of like, go, go, go, produce, produce 24 seven nonstop. And that's gonna provide for people. But like, where does that leave you? You're gonna be stretched thin, empty. Like that's not what you need to do. Because you look at it as in the medic for as a card.
00:21:47
Speaker
Your car ain't got no gay heads. You can't go nowhere. You can't go nowhere, yes. Even holistic, look at your car. Your car don't have an oil change, the windshield fluid. It all plays a role into us too. So it's just like, you got to do the regular self-care.
Personal Rejuvenation: Self-Care Practices
00:22:06
Speaker
Go get your nails and feet done and get your massages because that is going to help you be the best person that you need to be.
00:22:17
Speaker
I was just like, all right, in order for me to show up for me, this is what I need to do. And so I was just like, you know what, I'ma make time. And I was like, this is where I landed, this is where I landed. Good, what have you done this week to care for you? Oh, so starting Monday, I slept all day. I slept just around the house.
00:22:42
Speaker
uh Tuesday I ended up going to uh get some where did I go to get let me see where did I go to get something to eat because I'm like Tuesday Tuesday
00:22:56
Speaker
Tuesday I slipped to majority of it like most of the days. I just been on the couch sleeping watching Raising Canaan watching TV catching up on series or going out like if I need to go do something like real quick come back But I come back and go to sleep and yesterday No Tuesday, I want to get a massage. This was it. That was it. Yep Tuesday. I want to get a massage. I
00:23:20
Speaker
and came back to the house. Wednesday, yesterday, I went and did like a nail pampering and like foot massage and stuff. So, did it. Today, I'm gonna do the same thing, sit on the couch and probably, I'm gonna probably go walk this trail. But yeah, I purchased some new running shoes so that I can like start preparing myself
00:23:42
Speaker
to get ready for this 5K. And that's just pretty much it. And then today I'm just gonna do the same thing. Just stay in the house and just relax. You taking care of yourself. You talked a couple of times about mirroring what was modeled to you by your parents. Is that something that you saw growing up with people taking care of themselves, taking time off from work and just nurturing their soul?
00:24:12
Speaker
No, I've never really seen my dad take a day off and just pour into himself. Like, neither my mom, either. Like, it's always been go, go, go, go, go, go. And... Where do you see... How did that shift for you? Or what made you decide that that was something important in your life? Well, for me, it got to the point where
00:24:40
Speaker
my inner self was being conflict it was a it was a conflicting crossroad and
00:24:49
Speaker
It was one of those moments of clarity for me of sharing like, hey, you either need to just rest so that you can show up for yourself when you're in these spaces. Because when you're just running and going around, you don't have a clear brain. You don't have a clear mind. A clear mindset to do what you need to do. And so it goes back again to
00:25:17
Speaker
really in order for me to be the best self for me and to show up for myself and then the world I need to like sit down and like take a break and then looking at what I'm looking to do like you know just for projects I kept
00:25:36
Speaker
you can't do anything if you're tired. And so, that's pretty much where it stemmed from is, I have things that I want to get done. And you know that quote, they always said like, you have this assumption that God will give you a second chance to produce or to do what he have opened up like or created for you to do.
00:26:06
Speaker
But you keep putting it off. And so who is to say that you're going to have more time to do it if you keep putting it off? And so for me, I was just like, all right, I'm helping everybody else, being there for everybody else, but not being there for me. And so it goes back to, again, to just always seeing my parents. They there for everybody. But in return, people weren't there for them. And so.
00:26:29
Speaker
That's where I had to like realize it's like this mirroring like yo, I see
00:26:37
Speaker
where i get it from and also too i had to dig a little deeper it's like yo why don't i like being at the house or like what i'm like don't like being still so i was just like you know what let me sit with my thoughts and really when i do sit with my thoughts i'm not scared of my thoughts it's just the overwhelming load of thoughts that i have running in my head in what gives me anxiety so
00:27:07
Speaker
Wow, that's powerful right there. And you just reminded me of when we met. We met at the the POC Sangha meditation. And that retreat was was amazing. I've done a couple of them since. How long you been been meditating and what has that done for your life? So I, for real, for real, they started taking meditation serious
00:27:35
Speaker
two years ago when I started going back to therapy. And for me, meditation
00:27:46
Speaker
is a tool to just ground me in a sense to help me reset. And what it has done for me is it has allowed me to filter through my thoughts of letting me really like know that like, yo, just because you thinking this doesn't mean it's true, but also doesn't mean that it's not true. So two things can be true at the same time too.
00:28:13
Speaker
However, it's like how I've handled or how I handle what I'm thinking. And so meditation gives me an opportunity really to rest my mind and ground my mind and really to get myself back together because I feel that, you know, again, there's always something or something constantly going on. So
00:28:35
Speaker
I really just started that meditation practice because I felt that there was something like no matter what, I can always, you know, turn on some meditation music and just take five minutes. Like that's something that you can do wherever you are and just sit with yourself. And that has helped me
00:28:56
Speaker
in the space of just being with myself. And so I'm not an expert, but it just helps me continue to ground myself.
00:29:10
Speaker
Yeah, I love that because meditation is so healing for me, especially when I'm in the chaos of everything that's going on. I think the times where I feel most stressed out, most anxious is when I'm like, I definitely need to sit back and meditate for a minute. Even if it's like one minute or three minutes or whatever, I need some time for me.
00:29:31
Speaker
I love what you said about a thought doesn't have to be true. It also doesn't have to be false. Both can exist, neither can exist. That's real. I think that was one of the greatest realizations I came to about a year ago when I went to Onsite.
00:29:52
Speaker
Shout out to onsite workshops and retreats. They host trauma retreats. And we did this exercise where I volunteered to sit at this chair, and the facilitator was sitting across from me. And I was looking at the wall behind her, and it was white. And she was looking at the wall behind me, and it was on the stage, and it was black. And so we just told our truths, right? The wall is white, is what I said. She's like, no, the wall is black.
00:30:20
Speaker
And I'm like, no, the wall is white. And it's just like this back and forth. But it stressed the point, like, from our perspectives, we both were telling the truth, our truth. But if we don't look at somebody else's perspective, then we'll never be able to understand that yes, the wall can be black and white.
00:30:37
Speaker
Right. And so that is like that exercise is so powerful for me because then, you know, applying that to everyday life of like, I may feel this way about a certain topic, but somebody else feels the complete opposite. How do we come to a common ground? Well, we got to talk. We got to open up. Right. What do you think? What are your thoughts on that? That's true, because again, like I'm, you know, being transparent, fully transparent. I feel that relationships that I've been in,
00:31:05
Speaker
have always been a reflection of my truth of what I know or not to say the truth it has been a reflection of this is what I've been exposed to this is what I know doesn't make that I'm a bad person or it's a bad thing however when you couple up with someone
00:31:28
Speaker
they have their truth as well. But it's just like, they, you know, like, it's like, this is my truth. This is my truth. But we both not seeing each other like in that space. And it like brings it to like, like this, it brings it to like this ugly head because it's just like, all right, this is how I feel. This is what I know. However, you can't tell me
00:31:56
Speaker
what I'm feeling is not valid or what I know is not valid because you haven't walked in my shoes and I can't tell you what is not valid or what is not real or what is what is what is not in your space because you've you know experienced it and so for me I think
00:32:17
Speaker
really understanding like you said you know our feelings and things that we have experienced in our lifetime is valid and not to shun anyone just because they haven't experienced what you've experienced in the time or what you know that you what you have experienced is really a space of like coming into yourself and maturing because
00:32:46
Speaker
We just all, and I'll speak for me, like, we learn in life, but as we go, like, it's not one of those things that life comes with a blueprint and a manual. Who's to say what you, you know, what you've been exposed to, like, that's your true for it. It can, you know, that's what you know. However,
00:33:10
Speaker
when you know something, it's also not for you to like push that onto a person because of like they don't know it or they don't see it how you see it. So that's one thing I've been struggling with is really like trying to puzzle, you know, different things together of like, all right,
00:33:35
Speaker
you know, well you see this, this way, or you see verbal abuse this way, and I don't do verbal abuse, so like why is that coming out like that, you know? And so just really just trying to not to push anybody into like understanding like the way I think, but also like letting them see it from my view because that's triggering as hell. If somebody just automatically cuss you out,
00:34:05
Speaker
And, you know, that goes back to when my parents or my mom, like my dad, I would say he has never like cursed at me, like in a verbal, like a demeaning way. However, my mom, like you'll be everything in the book, like everything. And so when I find myself or be in a space with a person that does it, that triggers me.
00:34:32
Speaker
And it's like, yo, you acting like my momma now. You not my mom, but it's the shit that my mom does. Like when she gets in, you know, can't control her emotions. And so that goes back to, you know, again, understanding like other people perspective. Why do you curse everything? You know, like, what is it?
00:34:55
Speaker
And so the perspectives of, you know, not the saying it's not true for you, however, can we at least try it a different way and talk to each other calmer, you know? So, so
Impact of Childhood on Adult Relationships
00:35:09
Speaker
yeah. I love that. I love the, the reflectiveness of like you being able to understand where the, where that hurt comes from for you and like, okay, I've seen this before. I've seen this, uh, I've experienced this and this is what is bringing up for me.
00:35:23
Speaker
and being able to communicate that. That was one of the things that, like when I first, well, I met you and thought you were dope. And then I saw you on that panel at the coffee shop and was like, damn, I gotta like, I didn't even have a podcast ready or up or nothing, but I was like, I wanna talk to her. And then after that, we started following each other on social media and everything. And I guess like from my vulnerability, you expressed something to me via text and I was just like so impressed
00:35:52
Speaker
that you had that level of awareness and that you had the courage to reach out about that. Do you wanna share what came up around that? Yeah, matter of fact, let me go back to what I said too. Well, I was reading your book and you shared about, well, it came up in a chapter about talking about like, well, just in general, like your childhood trauma and
00:36:19
Speaker
like the relationship that you have with your mom and like how the relationship that you have with your mom that's gonna like affect your relationships personally, romantically and overall like just how you deal with people and so for what came up around that for me was you know
00:36:44
Speaker
You created that space in a book where I could be vulnerable, like somebody get it, somebody understand where I'm coming from or what I'm feeling. Sometimes I may not be able to verbally say or share how I'm feeling, but in that book, you pretty much created this space where I can just go, the imagery where I could see myself in that space as well.
00:37:15
Speaker
When I text you, I was like, yo, this was been my experience, you know, really not being able to, you know, be open with my mom about like just basic things because, you know, she has her things that she dealing with that she haven't dealt with. So she don't know how to be there for her daughter who is experiencing life as well. And then you're a child. So child got so we have emotions that we cannot pinpoint that we don't know.
00:37:45
Speaker
how to share it a verbally said so I just started to suppress my thoughts suppress my feelings and suppress how I felt and you know eventually it started to come out in different ways some ways were good some ways were bad and Just being able to really like be vulnerable with myself like alright you need to lay
00:38:13
Speaker
talk to somebody who can help you with this and really like share like be honest and just be real because often like sometimes I've been in a place where
00:38:27
Speaker
I felt shame of sharing where I am because it was always been told, like, you never let nobody see you sweat or you never let nobody share, never let nobody see you sweat or never let nobody know how you feeling. But that's a part of suppression. And so your book just being able to help me really get through my emotions and write about it and understand
00:38:56
Speaker
whatever you don't share or talk about, it's gonna come up some way. It's gonna come out either bad or it's gonna be a good thing. And so being open and communicating, communication, I feel professionally, with people, I'm a great communicator. However, when they get to relationships,
00:39:23
Speaker
Like it's something is, and I'm like working through this too because it's just like, where does this continue to come up? Like am I scared to like just really share my vulnerability? And I feel like when I do share my vulnerability, I don't want to share it and then it'd be used against me as a bullet to like hurt me. You know what I'm saying? And like I've experienced it like,
00:39:47
Speaker
two to three times in my past relationships and I feel like this go this this this time around I was like I'm just gonna chill out on relationships and what I mean like really like work through work with myself before I jump into another relationship because I've also noticed those patterns by the communication of me not sharing something
00:40:10
Speaker
It turns into a whole nother argument that didn't have to be, but also to the vulnerability part. I'll give you an example. It was a situation that I had, and I just didn't feel comfortable with sharing where I was financially, where I was just overall. I just kept it to myself, but it came out.
00:40:39
Speaker
the situation went from zero to 100 real quick because it was just like now you accusing me of talking to someone else all because I didn't open up to you about where I was financially but I also didn't feel comfortable like
00:40:56
Speaker
sharing where I was because that goes back to like the fear of rejection. All right, so like you ain't got your shit together. Now, I don't want to talk to you type deal. But that wasn't the case. I mean, people follow hard times. But also, too, I've just always been this person to like never really share about like where I'm like, what I'm like, how I'm going through my like my my stripes at the time. And then I was just because never felt comfortable
00:41:26
Speaker
But then it's just like, all right, I'm going to have to work through this because being vulnerable, regardless of how people see me, that's going to be with them and not me. And so that vulnerability space really hits home for me because while I was little, it was always
00:41:52
Speaker
don't share too much, don't share of who you are because that can be used as a weapon to destroy you. And so I just started like sharing like bits and pieces about me, but then too it's like sometimes I go back into like this retreat where I just like don't say nothing unless I feel comfortable. And so
00:42:15
Speaker
There's been a thing that I'm constantly working on because I know that at the end of the day, I'm not wrong for thinking away, I think. However, I know that I have to work through my emotions so that my emotions don't take over me and just continue to be a wreck of a person. And what I mean, be a wreck of a person is just not
00:42:45
Speaker
Sticking up and standing up for myself when something comes up to me like an indication point in a relationship like you know
00:42:53
Speaker
You can't tell me about my feelings or why they're not valid to you, but they're valid to me. And so just really understanding when I see patterns, calling those patterns out and why are these patterns mirroring me again. And that takes a lot of work because it'd be so deep. And he's like, sheesh.
00:43:16
Speaker
Yeah, it takes a ton of work. It sounds like you've been doing the work. It sounds like the self-reflectiveness that you possess is beautiful. You brought up a couple of things and I think people resonate with. One was being
00:43:32
Speaker
that different person professionally and at work versus how you show up in relationship. I mean, I think I see that in my own life of just like I can, the communication style, the way that I handle
00:43:48
Speaker
conflict or whatever it may be professionally is totally different than how in the past handled relationships. And so I think that that's huge. And what you said about vulnerability, like being something, you know, sometimes it's a fear of being vulnerable with people because it can be used as a bullet against you. And that is that is like totally valid, because I think if you have experienced that, then it makes it makes sense that that's what you feel about it.
00:44:17
Speaker
And it doesn't get comfortable or safe to be vulnerable until you're around a community of people or a person where when you are vulnerable, they are loving, accepting and validating of what you've just shared with them. And so you brought up therapy. Is therapy a recent thing for you or is that something that you've done your entire life and how did you get comfortable around that?
Therapy for Personal Growth: Overcoming Resistance
00:44:45
Speaker
So I started therapy back in, what's this, 2019? I started therapy in 2019. It was on and off. And for me, it was one of those things. Because one, I let you in my business. So I dated a therapist. And that's a whole other thing. Like dating a therapist.
00:45:12
Speaker
Shit, like they bring, like day in the therapist is like, all right, okay. Everything that you do is being brought to light. So it's like, all right, God damn.
00:45:27
Speaker
That was rough because, you know, in a sense, it was always she was on. She was always like in therapy mode, not like partner mode. Yeah. And one of those issues, like she would, you know, share things with me about myself.
00:45:45
Speaker
She was like, you need to, you know, she was like, I see this. She was like, I see it. She was like, it shows trauma is coming out. And so I was like, all right, let me get in therapy because I need to unpack, you know, what she say she's seeing me so that I can understand myself better so I can show up. It is just like it went downhill. It was just like more so like you trying to change someone instead of seeing the progress.
00:46:13
Speaker
in the in the person and so like I really got turned off about therapy because I feel like I went to therapy for her and try to fix me so that I could be with her instead of like going to therapy for me so that I could fix me and be home for myself and so that was like one of those things that you know like when your mama said you don't pay for shit you not going really take it in and so that was one of those moments because it was like I was going and
00:46:41
Speaker
for her because I wanted that relationship to work. And it just like, it went downhill real quick. And so I paused on therapy for probably like another like, probably like another six months because I started going like for like, let me see.
00:47:00
Speaker
I started, I'm gonna be honest, I don't know how long I was going. I just know it was to the point like I went and then I was like, yeah, I'm gonna stop because it ain't working. It's not feeding me how I needed to feed me because every time I went into therapy, it was more so about like, how can I save this relationship versus like getting to really like unpack me and unpack my traumas and stuff.
00:47:29
Speaker
fast forward, I pick back up therapy and I've been consistently going to therapy and making sure that I can really figure out new tools to navigate my emotions and stuff. And therapy has really been, it's been life-changing for me because a lot of things like even
00:47:57
Speaker
when there are different situation that arises, like even, you know, some things that I may have like stretched myself out over. It was like, it ain't got nothing to do with me. Yes. Yes. You learned a lot of that in therapy. That is not my issue right there. It's not my issue. Yes.
00:48:24
Speaker
you know, all the times we in therapy, one of the people that don't wanna go to therapy and I lost this either your coworkers, your family members, and you know, really getting to the nitty gritty of why people do the shit that they do and why does it trigger you? And so I said, nah, I'ma go to therapy so that I can understand me and understand
00:48:51
Speaker
understand how I can show up for my relationships, one with myself and then two. Yes.
00:48:59
Speaker
What I've said too, like when I go back to like this relationship thing, there's been, you know, it's been a thorn in my side because I feel that I give so much in the relationships. And what I mean so much is that I'm willing to work through stuff, but the other counterpart, like they just want to
00:49:22
Speaker
you know walk away or run away so then too it goes back shit are they in therapy like are they working through their stuff or is it just you know you going through the motions and
00:49:36
Speaker
you don't want to deal with your shit and I think too you can recognize a person who's actually aware of what they have going on in their life versus like a person who's trying to mess up with somebody who just like don't want to work through nothing and like just like shoot the bullets and shoot the shit and so I was like yeah this go around
00:49:58
Speaker
Let me just focus on me and what I will not allow this to go around and what it wants to be. Yes, it was non-negotiable. Yeah, it was non-negotiable because at the end of the day, we all have feelings and we all are human beings and we got things that makes us up, but it's just like,
00:50:24
Speaker
If this ain't what you bring into the table, like you said, am I not in the gospels? I'm not rocking with it. I'm not changing it just because she cute, just because you got great conversation. Here and all, you can stay outside.
00:50:39
Speaker
I feel that. Yeah. Oh, man. I you brought up something that I want to like address and to the therapist out there. Like if you're in personal relationships, you got to take that therapist hat off sometimes. Like that is so off putting to be
00:50:57
Speaker
to be diagnosed as you having a conversation with somebody that you're trying to build a relationship with. This is something that came up in my relationship. So my wife is a doctor. She's a pediatrician. And early on in our relationship, it wouldn't be like... Well, I guess some of the stuff was mental health related, but it was a lot of physical health related stuff. And so you see an old person in my family and they walk a little...
00:51:23
Speaker
That person got diabetes, that person got hypertension. I don't need you diagnosed with no family members at Thanksgiving. That's cool. You need that at home. We just chilling. It's off-putting when you start to bring the professional hat home. Like you said, you can't push, you can't force nobody into therapy or into wanting to improve
00:51:45
Speaker
They have to want that themselves. Like you said, you felt like you were going to therapy for somebody else and it didn't stick. But when you start showing up for you, that's when the real change happens. So I'm proud of you. Thank you, my brother. I'm proud of me too, because that's consistent too. The most consistent out being and just going to therapy, making sure that I can
00:52:09
Speaker
you know, unpack my shit, understand like, why do I feel this way? Why do I think this way? Or, you know, why do I have a hard time like speaking up for myself? And what I'm saying, speaking up for myself, like, I'm not like, again, it goes back to like, I'm gonna show up and be my authentic self, but also too, I'm not just gonna push the, the badge, like push it, push it unless I have to, but now it's just like, all right,
00:52:36
Speaker
You get what you don't, you get what you don't get because you're not asking
Strengthening the 'Vulnerability Muscle'
00:52:40
Speaker
for it. We're like putting your foot down. So I was just like, all right, let me just start practicing it more. And it's gonna come, it's gonna come where it's comfortable. Like that muscle being built, like, just like you were saying, your vulnerability muscle, like being able to really like do it and not think about it. And it becomes innate, so.
00:53:04
Speaker
And you start to recognize that community of people that is safe to be vulnerable with, who is not safe to be vulnerable with. And you start attracting more people. You start attracting people who talk about therapy, who talk about meditation, who talk about things like that. And it starts to get weird and pushes the people who don't want to be in that space away. And so create that community.
00:53:28
Speaker
What has vulnerability done for you in your life if you could write a paragraph about what vulnerability has done for you? I will say vulnerability has exposed to me that I don't have to have it all together.
00:53:57
Speaker
I can be at my lowest and still be worthy and be at my highest and still be worthy. Yes. And being vulnerable is really a strength. Again, being vulnerable is a strength because I feel like if you can't be vulnerable,
00:54:24
Speaker
And it means like you're just holding on and masking. And it's just like, how long are you going to mask until you can't mask no more? And vulnerability has helped me really to grow in areas of my life and just seeing like, hey,
00:54:44
Speaker
you know, taking myself off a timetable. I got to be here by this certain age where I got to have this amount of money in my bank account. Truth be told, look, I'm just grateful that I'm able to do the work that I enjoy doing.
00:55:02
Speaker
Making sure that I have the tools and the essentials that I need to produce. But also it goes back to understanding that like, vulnerability for me, it gives me that strength to like, keep on moving each day. Because we are all here really passing through this realm.
00:55:30
Speaker
and doing the best that we can do. So if it's something that I don't know, you know, I've been in a space where I've beaten my, you know, like, you know, like, hey, I didn't know that, like, do you damn on yourself? But no, it's just like, all right, you don't know that because you wasn't exposed to this. So why are you beating yourself up?
00:55:51
Speaker
And so, vulnerability has really been in that space for me. It's like, well, shit, that's why I got Google. That's why you got these tools around you to research stuff. And so, just really understanding that I'm okay. I'm not missing out what's meant for me. What's for me is gonna find me and it's going to be good to me and be good for me.
00:56:20
Speaker
I love that. I love that so much. I love that so much. And I think the opposite of vulnerability to me is shame. And so when you start suppressing and internalizing and bottle all the stuff up that you're not sharing with people, it's rooted in shame.
00:56:38
Speaker
A lot of times, like you're saying, like you didn't feel a certain way or you didn't feel comfortable sharing your financial situation or certain things about your life with your partner. Like that is rooted in shame. And it doesn't matter how much, what dollar amount you're talking about, because I've met people with millions who still have shame around that and won't share how their financial situation is. And so it's all about how we internalize whatever we're experiencing, but the strength
00:57:05
Speaker
of being the courage to say, this is my life. I know it's not perfect, but nobody's life is perfect. It's so powerful. And so I love that you see the strength and vulnerability. I got a quick segment before we wrap up, and it's just a rapid response. And the first thing to come to your mind, if you want to elaborate, feel free to do so. But here we go. All right. What comes to mind when you hear the word vulnerability?
00:57:35
Speaker
String. Let's go. If you could have a conversation with anybody living or dead, who would it be and why? I would have a conversation with Kobe Bryant. And the reason why so many people call Kobe Bryant or have called or coined him like this arrogant person. But it's also asking him, like, what was his
00:58:05
Speaker
you know, pathway to becoming the person that he became. And how did he, you know, get through all the self negative talk or get through like the naysayers and just understanding like what kept him going.
00:58:27
Speaker
So Kobe Bryant. I love that. I think that's the second or third time Kobe's come up. What is one of your favorite childhood memories? My favorite childhood memory, I will say my mom dropped me off at my granddad's house and all the kids, they went to the swimming pool, but I had just got my hair done. And so my mom, she was like, don't go get in that swimming pool.
00:58:57
Speaker
Or she's like, I'ma beat your ass. And all my cousins, they were going to the pool. So shit, I went over there and somebody pushed me in the pool. I was like, dang. Well, I'ma get it with me. So I might as well enjoy myself at the pool.
00:59:14
Speaker
And I had a good time. I just seen my aunt out of the corner of my eye, she was like, look at her over there jumping in that pool. And I was, I just, look, I just started jumping more. So that was like a cool time because it was just like, I still got a whooping, but it was, it was a worth it whooping. Worth it whooping. It was a worth it whooping. That's good, that's good. What is a book or movie that everyone should read or watch?
00:59:44
Speaker
I would say Crickland. It's a movie. What is that? Spike Lee. It's a Spike Lee joint. Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay. It reminds me of my childhood, but also it just reminds me of
00:59:59
Speaker
the community that back in the day we all like you know like leaned on each other we didn't know each other but it was like kids were able to be kids and play outside and just have a good time and adults you know did adult things and children you know stayed out of way but when you got exposed to some stuff you got exposed so i enjoy curriculum because curriculum also depicts like similarly of like how i grew up and stuff so
01:00:27
Speaker
Mm. Okay. That's cool. I'm gonna have to check that out. Yeah. Spike Lee. What is one thing? Paramount too. Paramount and... Okay. Yeah. You can watch it on Paramount or Stars. Okay. Okay. Bet.
01:00:40
Speaker
What is one thing you do to relax when you feeling stressed? Go to sleep. Yes, sleep. Hey, sleep is so crucial. It sounds like you've been getting some good sleep this week. I have. I'm going to take me another nap too, once I get down. I've been asleep, because I look at it like this. And 31 years, my body has just been pumping, going. And when you do sleep, you sleep for like,
01:01:09
Speaker
how many hours that you get to sleep. But oftentimes too, we don't give our body that rest that we need. So whenever I get a chance, I'ma sleep anywhere. I'ma take me a nap, a power nap or something. I'ma sleep.
01:01:24
Speaker
Good, good. I remember that from meditation. You knocked out. I was like, oh, chill, that's snoring a little bit. Sleep. Hey, I'm going to get me some sleep. I tell people, look, them naps, when we were little, they wasn't kid. We was trying to get up, but now it's like, give me a nap, take you a nap. I need that back. I need that back. Yep, yep. Tap, how can people get in touch with you? How can they contact you? You want to drop your socials, email, whatever you want to drop.
01:01:51
Speaker
Yeah, you can find me on Instagram and tap the connector. That's pretty much the only one that I'm really, really active on.
01:02:00
Speaker
where people can really get to see inside of me. And I always tell people now, what you see on Instagram is really not everything because I think two folks, they're just like, well, you posted some Instagrams, but that's still not all the layers to me. I just want to put that out there because someone told me the other day, they was like, man, you be with everybody. You be with the vice president. You be with this. I was like,
01:02:26
Speaker
but you don't know like what it took me to get to where I am to do that work or just to be with so many people and sometimes some people like to capture their moments and put it out there and so you know I just want to let you know like it ain't all what you see but it's still me like that's a layer of me that's not all of me like you know just because I look like it
01:02:50
Speaker
Don't mean that I'm sitting on top of the world today on Instagram. You know, so I just want to put that out there. But yeah, you can follow me on Instagram.
01:02:57
Speaker
I appreciate that so much, because I feel the same way. I feel like everybody's Instagram, whether you claim to be a full, it's your whole lifestyle or not, it's stuff that you deal with that is not making that screen. And so I appreciate that a lot. Probably just got through crying before you posted the picture. Shit. Right. Facts. Yes. I got a question though. It brought us from who is your most favorite person you've ever met that the world may know? Ooh.
01:03:27
Speaker
I would say the favorite person is President Barack Obama. He's just so chill, laid back, he tell you like it is.
01:03:40
Speaker
say what he got to say. Now that he's out of office, he really be talking cash money shit. He's really someone that I think that we all can look up to. Even I have been in politics, but just a model. This is someone that you can't, not to inspire to be like, but just inspire to
01:04:04
Speaker
you know, be of and be amongst like people like him. So. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Well, Tapp, I appreciate you with all the things you could be doing and all the places you could be. I appreciate you for embracing vulnerability. All right, my brother. Well, I thank you so much for inviting me to this. And it's only up from here. Thank you for joining us for another powerful episode of Vulnerability Muscle. I hope you found inspiration and valuable insights that resonate with you.
01:04:33
Speaker
If you're enjoying this journey of self-discovery and empowerment, there are a few ways you can support the podcast. First, make sure to hit that subscribe button so that you never miss an episode. If you've been moved by our conversations and the mission of redefining vulnerability, please consider leaving a review. Your feedback not only motivates us, but also helps others discover the podcast.
01:04:55
Speaker
Share your thoughts on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you tune in. And don't forget to spread the word. Follow us on Instagram at Vulnerability Muscle for updates. And you can connect me personally at Reggie D Ford on all platforms. Visit VulnerabilityMuscle.com for additional resources and upcoming episodes. And remember, embracing vulnerability is strength. Thanks for being a part of the journey.
01:05:19
Speaker
Until next time, stay empowered, stay vulnerable, and keep flexing that vulnerability muscle.