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015 - Breaking the Cycle: Healing Trauma and Embracing Self-Validation with Priscilla Maria Gutierrez
35 Plays11 months ago
In this powerful episode, Reggie D. Ford sits down with Priscilla Maria Gutierrez, a keynote speaker, certified trauma recovery coach, and trauma survivor, to discuss her journey of overcoming trauma and empowering others to do the same. As a sober, bisexual Latina woman with diagnosed mental illness, Priscilla candidly shares her experiences with borderline personality disorder and the importance of becoming cycle breakers. They dive deep into the impacts of generational trauma, societal norms around vulnerability, and the pervasive issue of sexual abuse, emphasizing the necessity of emotional processing, self-validation, and seeking help. Priscilla offers wisdom and encouragement by sharing her personal struggles and triumphs, highlighting the power of therapy and community support in the healing process. Together, they explore strategies for breaking harmful cycles, creating a path toward healing and authenticity, and addressing the profound impact of trauma on children.
Highlights:
⭐️ Priscilla's journey from studying sociology and law to becoming a trauma recovery coach.
⭐️ Priscilla's pivotal moments and the turning point at age 13 following her grandfather's death.
⭐️ Reggie shares his experience with social anxiety and perfectionist tendencies as coping mechanisms.
⭐️ The prevalence of sexual abuse among women and the societal factors that enable it.
⭐️ Reggie reflects on his own experiences of sexual abuse and societal responses to male victims.
⭐️ Discussion on breaking cycles of trauma and the importance of curiosity and introspection in challenging ingrained behaviors.
⭐️ Priscilla talks about the lack of validation in her life and how it affected her trust in her own judgment, especially in recognizing and processing abuse.
⭐️ Experiences with unhelpful therapists and the empowering act of firing one who invalidated her experiences.
⭐️ Priscilla describes what borderline personality disorder (BPD) looked like for her and the importance of self-awareness and boundaries.
⭐️ Embracing authenticity and the significant decision to pivot away from a law career for personal happiness.
⭐️ Advice for those facing barriers in trauma recovery and the importance of finding supportive, non-judgmental spaces for healing.
⭐️ Priscilla shares her past struggles with an eating disorder and alcoholism, emphasizing the importance of not giving up and how she transformed her life through hard work and therapy.
⭐️ Reggie opens up about his own challenges with emotional triggers and therapy, underlining that healing is a non-linear and ongoing process.
⭐️ A focus on encouraging black and brown men to embrace vulnerability despite societal pressures, and finding safe spaces to express their emotions.
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📲 Connect with Priscilla
Instagram: @cyclebreakercoach
Website: priscillamaria.com
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📲Connect with Reggie
IG - https://instagram.com/reggiedford
FB - https://facebook.com/reggiedford
LI - https://linkedin.com/in/reggiedford
X - https://twitter.com/reggiedford
YT - https://youtube.com/@reggiedford
Website - https://reggiedford.com/
Book - https://amzn.to/487OqJD
Podcast - https://reggiedford.com/vulnerabilitymuscle
Podcast’s IG - https://instagram.com/vulnerabilitymuscle
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Transcript
Vulnerability and Adultification of Black and Brown Men
00:00:00
Speaker
I want black and brown men to know that it's okay to be vulnerable. I know society doesn't make it seem safe and literally it's not safe in some spaces, but
00:00:14
Speaker
There's people like me and Reggie that are willing to hold you and hold space for you, for you to talk about whatever has happened to you. I think there's a lot of adultification of black and brown boys that is highly disturbing and they deserve to be innocent little children just like everybody else.
Introducing the 'Vulnerability Muscle' Podcast
00:00:36
Speaker
Welcome to Vulnerability Muscle, the empowering podcast challenging norms and guiding you to find strength and power through vulnerability. I'm your host, Reggie D. Ford. In a world that often portrays vulnerability as a sign of weakness, I believe it is a source of tremendous strength and authenticity.
00:00:54
Speaker
Through insightful conversations and thought-provoking interviews, Vulnerability Muscle aims to redefine vulnerability and help listeners develop a new perspective on their own lives. Each episode of Vulnerability Muscle delves into a variety of topics such as mental health, social issues, and mindset shifts. We explore the power of vulnerability in healing, building resilience, and promoting personal growth as well as fostering meaningful connections.
00:01:21
Speaker
This podcast provides practical tools and strategies to navigate life's challenges, overcome adversity, and create more inclusive and just environments for all people.
Guest Introduction: Priscilla Maria Gutierrez
00:01:31
Speaker
Hello, in this episode, we have Priscilla Maria Gutierrez. Did I say that right? Perfect. Yes, JD. She's a keynote speaker. She's a certified trauma recovery coach and a trauma survivor who empowers others to become cycle breakers. Her life purpose is to help others heal from trauma, overcome limiting beliefs, and create their best lives.
00:01:56
Speaker
As a sober bisexual Latina woman with diagnosed mental illness, she shows up authentically to exemplify that recovery and healing is possible for all of us. I love that. I love that. Welcome, Priscilla. Thank you, Reggie. I'm honored to be here.
00:02:14
Speaker
Yes, it's an honor to have you.
Reggie and Priscilla's Meeting at a Mental Health Conference
00:02:17
Speaker
And I'll talk about how we met at a at a mental health conference at the Black Mental Health Summit at Lane College last year. And we got to sit on a panel together and share some of our insights and some of our story. And I was just blown away by your story and how you have chosen to take your your story and what you do with your life. So again, the honor is mine.
00:02:42
Speaker
Thank you, Reggie. Yeah, that was great meeting you. And I appreciate you also taking the time to learn more about my story by watching an interview I did on another podcast. So thank you. Absolutely. Well, I want to open it up with a couple of rapid response questions. So the first thing that comes to mind, don't try to think too hard on it, but you let me know what comes to mind.
Priscilla on Relaxation and Vulnerability
00:03:04
Speaker
What is one thing you do to relax when you're feeling stressed? Sleep. Sleep. I'm so healing.
00:03:14
Speaker
I feel that. What comes to mind when you hear the word vulnerability? Strength. Strength. Strength. And then lastly, this is hard for some people, but what is one of your favorite childhood memories? I would say spending time with my brother.
00:03:38
Speaker
two like core memories I have are just me and my brother walking with my grandmother in Milbury in San Mateo, California. And this lady asking for directions and we had to tell her like, she doesn't speak English. I don't know. It's such a random. I don't know why I really just love that memory because it's just like, just us two and then my grandmother. And then it's like one of the few memories where she, like a good memory with her specifically.
00:04:08
Speaker
And then the other one was when we're moving out of our San Diego apartment to move to Pennsylvania. So they have like moving boxes. So my brother and I, we like got inside of them and like rolled down this little hill, entertaining ourselves, cardboard boxes. Yes. Kids being kids, right? Yes.
00:04:28
Speaker
Oh, I love that. I love that.
Creating Safe Spaces for Sharing
00:04:30
Speaker
Knowing that you are a trauma survivor, like myself, I want to just express this to you before we got started, but also that if anything comes up that is too deep, too hard to process or go through, I hope that you can let me know that and express that to me and we can cut it, we can pull out of that. But I want to create a safe space for you to share whatever you need to today.
00:04:56
Speaker
Thank you, Reggie. And I have a bad habit of getting lipstick on my teeth. So if I have it, please let me know. Yes, I got you. And if you see anything crazy over here, you do the same. Thank you.
Priscilla's Journey to Becoming a Trauma Recovery Coach
00:05:09
Speaker
Tell me a little bit about how you got into the work that you're doing as a trauma recovery coach.
00:05:15
Speaker
So I went to school for sociology and Africana studies as a undergraduate. I am neither a sociologist or historian. And then I went to law school. I am not an attorney. So I definitely did not have any plans to become a trauma recovery coach or a speaker. And so with that said, I've had this dream of speaking and
00:05:44
Speaker
kind of like being interviewed and sharing my thoughts since I was about 14. And that was after I read the Autobiography of Malcolm X. And I loved that book. Like it wasn't assigned in school. You know, they don't want to sign on the school, especially at the school that I went to. I just was drawn to it at Barnes and Noble. I was like, I want to read about like civil rights. And I picked up that book and my dad was like, yeah, you should read it, but let's check in after you read it, just to check in about some of these beliefs.
00:06:12
Speaker
And I just fell in love with his whole philosophy. I was 14 at the time, so I didn't have some of the lived experience yet, but he himself struggled with substance abuse and lived a certain lifestyle that some might judge. And I'm just so inspired by how he was able to
00:06:39
Speaker
get himself out of there. And he really preached self-education and self-help and also holding people accountable, especially America. And so I just loved that. And so that really just lit a fire inside of me. But I was super awkward, super quiet. I did not belong in that school. And actually, this past weekend, I was in Connecticut. And I haven't been there since I moved in 2006.
00:07:07
Speaker
So I lived there 2003 to 2006. And I thought about going to visit my school and my old department, but it was actually too much for me. My mentor and the CEO of our speaking agency, he was like, I'll drive you, I can take you. And I was like, I'll probably start crying. This is weird. I can do things like,
00:07:30
Speaker
bungee jump, jump out of playing, do random weird things. And that other people might find like very scary or anxiety inducing. I'm like, I'll do that easy. But that I couldn't do it. Draw my blood can't do it. So there's some things I just can't do. And so that was really
00:07:48
Speaker
interesting. I'd had no plans to go to Connecticut ever again. But I went for speaking conference. And I think that was really special to kind of reconnect with that Priscilla who read that book and was going through a very challenging time at that point. And so
00:08:08
Speaker
So she's been there that I'm literally the same person, you know, I've in moving to Florida, I came across some old mementos and I've been the same person like the same like social justice, civil rights, etc. But somewhere along the way, my spirit, you know, just kind of died, I guess, due to trauma, due to moving a lot, family,
00:08:34
Speaker
When you say your spirit kind of died, what was the shift that you felt in yourself or in how you showed up in the world?
Impact of Grandfather's Death and Unresolved Trauma
00:08:41
Speaker
Yeah, so I would say my spirit died when I was 13. When my grandfather died and we had his funeral, that was like a turning point for me. And up until that point, that was the most I had ever cried. But even when I was crying, I was like, I don't really know why I'm crying, because I don't really want to cry for him, but I'm just really crying. And I think it's because I
00:09:09
Speaker
I knew that I would never get the justice that I deserved as far as him molesting me. And it was super confusing, you know, I hadn't processed that at all. And so just to know like, oh, like, he's gone. And now I have to deal with this alone. And so that was kind of the start of it. And so that looked like
00:09:32
Speaker
withdrawing more and more into myself and developing a lot of social anxiety. So it is super ironic that I'm a public speaker now because no one would ever guess that.
00:09:47
Speaker
So yeah, so along the way from high school into college into law school, I would say my mental health conditions exasperated. And so I kind of just lost myself in general, but you wouldn't tell on paper because
00:10:04
Speaker
I always maintained a mask behind academic achievement but beneath the GPA was someone that was very sad very didn't have a chance to even like process.
00:10:19
Speaker
the molestation, other traumas. And I didn't even realize that moving is a trauma. That's just my norm. And I know I read your, I still have to honestly have to finish some chapters, but I love your book. And I know you moved around a lot too. So you can relate to how that affects the kid where it's just like, okay, I guess I'm detaching again and whatever. And so
00:10:46
Speaker
I think there's something to how you describe your response to it, like very socially anxious, having that social anxiety, which I definitely resonate with as a child.
Societal Norms and Sexual Abuse
00:10:59
Speaker
I'm the same, like people probably never heard me talk. And I know like the first time I went to speak at my high school, I think I said like some of y'all probably have never heard me thought I was mute when I was in school.
00:11:11
Speaker
because that was a big part of how I chose to respond, but also the perfectionist tendencies and do well in school and get the accomplishments was another mask because it was a way to numb and shield away from all the pain that was being felt. So I relate on that level.
00:11:31
Speaker
You know what, one of the things that is very difficult for me as a male, I've experienced sexual abuse from a female, but I think when nearly, I talk to many women and nearly all of them have an experience, probably not, you know, rape or molestation, but so many women have an experience with sexual abuse of some sort. Why do you think that is?
00:12:03
Speaker
I think it's, our society enables it. And so, and for me, my first, first of all, thank you for sharing. And I'm thankful that you're speaking out against
00:12:17
Speaker
or against female perpetrators of sexual violence because they absolutely exist. And it is a myth to believe that men and boys are not experiencing this or that it's like super rare. In my experience, I would say it's about half and half, literally like men that I've talked to, women that I've talked to, and I've heard some very horrific things that men have experienced and I'm like,
00:12:43
Speaker
Wow. And so specifically with women, I would say there is still a rape culture that persists. And my mom was watching like a novella, which is a soap opera. And I'm pretty sure there was a rape scene, but I was trying not to really think into it. But I wouldn't be surprised because it wasn't like overtly
00:13:04
Speaker
like a rape scene, but it's like, um, it's not giving consent, but that you're kind of, and I can think of other scenes in Novellas where it's like, Oh, he's just so passionate and just loves her so much. And then she gives in, it's like, that's actual sexual assault. And so I think there's a lot of misconceptions. And I can only speak for like my experience, I look at the woman in my family, and
00:13:34
Speaker
They're not from this country. So the countries that they came from, they had way less autonomy and resources. And so their form of protection is to, okay, I mean, literally examples from my family. Well, lock your door at night.
00:13:52
Speaker
So when he comes, he can't come inside. Or, well, when you're around men, don't dress like this. You know, cross your legs and look like a lady in all this nonsense. And so I grew up like that. So it's like we're already primed to think that if something does happen, it's our fault.
00:14:10
Speaker
And when you have that shame and all that implicit or explicit messages, you're not exactly empowered to speak out or to be believed. And so that only helps perpetrators to keep perpetrating. And so, I mean, just looking at this country, women can have a credit card in their own name, I think since like 1970 or somewhere in the 70s. There's been a lot of sexism in this country.
00:14:40
Speaker
Literally i mean i don't think spousal rate was recognized for a very long time so we have a long way to go when we look at the statistics i think it's like five percent of those that commit rape are actually incarcerated the vast.
00:14:56
Speaker
Yeah, it's like very, very high that go free. And so that's very discouraging for someone. And then just look in the news, you know, when Cassie came out, different people during the Me Too movement, just look at the comments and you like really do you really think that you really think that this person wanted to wait that long when it's actually the norm to? Absolutely.
00:15:24
Speaker
years later, if at all. And so I don't think our society presently empowers survivors to even speak out, doesn't support them to get their justice. And if you go to other countries and other societies it's even worse. There's some countries that
00:15:42
Speaker
I don't know how to say the name but it's with an M where they like force feed little girls to gain weight because like force feed and like isolate them because that's the idea of beauty is to I guess be a certain weight. There's you know trigger warning
00:16:01
Speaker
like genital cutting. And they have different words for it mutilation. Yeah, yeah. And I'm just like, what like, I don't know, these are the things that I look into. And so when I was watching some videos, because I really like interviews, and I like stories. And so on YouTube, there's different female survivors talking about it. And I'm like, this is so
00:16:26
Speaker
so depraved and so vile when they really describe the extent. But in their society, their parents think, well, I'm doing this so that she's not ridiculed so that she can find a suitable partner. And so it's very socially acceptable. Yeah. So so bad and so hard. And like you said, like the amount of people, the percentage of people who either never come out and say what happened to them or delay that that admittance
00:16:56
Speaker
is huge. And like for me, being a man, and I think this is like the reverse side of the culture that we have, being a man who was sexually assaulted by a girl, it was almost like, be proud of that, right? Like that's not trauma. That's a good thing. But honestly, the first time that I can remember, I was four years old. And so no four year old should have to experience anything like that.
00:17:25
Speaker
And, and so the, the opposite side of it is like, it's, it's treated as a badge of honor for a boy to have an experience of any sexual experience. And even if it's trauma to that person. And so I think that plays into it as well as like, if you can get a girl, if you can have sex with a girl, whether it be consensual or not, then that's a badge of honor too.
Reggie's Journey to Self-Acceptance with Sexual Trauma
00:17:50
Speaker
And so it's like, it's all kinds of messed up.
00:17:53
Speaker
And even for me, when I was doing the ACE study, the Adverse Childhood Experiences, the first time I ever went through it, I was marking, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And then it came to the sexual trauma. I said, no. Because in my whole life, I had been conditioned to think that that was OK. And then it took me years to even admit that that is what those experiences were. And to answer yes to that,
00:18:22
Speaker
having 10 out of 10 of those traumas. And yeah, I think you've done such a powerful thing in starting to break the cycle.
Breaking Cycles of Trauma
00:18:33
Speaker
And you talk about breaking cycles. What does cycle breaking look like to you and what does that mean to you?
00:18:40
Speaker
So to me, it's definitely not something tangible. It's more of breaking cycles of harmful ways of thinking and behaving. So in my history, there's a lot of trauma on both sides. And the more I learn about the different sides, the more trauma I learn. And
00:19:04
Speaker
So I can give an example. So even if I can go back to your example, I've met male survivors of female perpetrators and yeah, and I think that is so...
00:19:16
Speaker
wrong for people to invalidate that little boy or that teenager or that man and be like, oh, well, whatever, whatever. Because rape is rape. Either you stand with rapists or you're against rapists. I think it's a pretty black and white issue.
00:19:34
Speaker
So for example, the person that raped me was molested as a little boy by a teenage girl. And I could just do a whole essay on that. But it's like I knew, I was like, you need to work on this because I know this isn't okay. And lo and behold, you know,
00:19:55
Speaker
You have someone who was violated, doesn't excuse at all, but might explain that was violated, has clearly no concept of boundaries. It wasn't taught to him. Um, his boundaries are violated and he went on to violate my boundaries and other women. And so it's like we all hurt when we don't teach consent and boundaries and sexual health and things like that. And so,
00:20:25
Speaker
So another example of kind of how generational trauma can recycle, I think of some of my male relatives. And I learned about their forms of discipline that they received in Nicaragua. And if that happened in the United States,
00:20:46
Speaker
the people that did it would have been arrested and charged with felonies because I'm not talking like any form of child abuse is wrong but I mean like whips which I was like why are you whipping a little boy like that's crazy to me because they lived on a farm so it was like the horse whips and just like
00:21:08
Speaker
they described what the effects on their body and just other forms of abuse. And I was like, wow. And then I think about how these male relatives pass it on to my brother. And so he got different discipline than I got. And so
00:21:33
Speaker
But to them, they don't see it. Now, I'm kind of getting it out of the way they kind of like, okay, yeah, it's abuse. But before it's like, no, that's that's we weren't acting right, we weren't listening. So we get beat. And so they continue that. And for me, I'm just like, up until
00:21:52
Speaker
I was probably in my 20s. I had that same belief. I'm going to hit my kids because I was hit. And I don't like entitled little kid. I mean, I don't, but I thought that was the right way to do it. And I remember in a wilderness program, it was me and actually a black guy and everyone else was white. And we were the only ones who were like, yeah, we're going to hit our kids. And he was like, well, that really something along the lines of, I mean, you ended up here. So obviously it didn't work. I was like, oh,
00:22:20
Speaker
Wow, a little sassy. But that never left me. I was like, he's right. I hated getting hit. I hated that feeling. I would always cry. I felt overpowered and powerless. And it caused me to fear my caregivers. And you're taught not to say anything. And you're taught you can't tell anyone.
00:22:46
Speaker
You had to wear long sleeves to school and all that. And so so that's just one example of many that I was like, wait, I don't want to repeat mindlessly things that I witnessed or were done to me. I want to be curious. I want to be introspective and I want to be intentional with the cycles that I repeat or create. Definitely. I love that. And I think when I look back
00:23:15
Speaker
at all the different types of trauma that I experienced, I am confident that those same traumas were experienced by those people who put them on to me. Like you said, like the person who abused you was abused and those cycles continue within family units, within societies and communities and breaking those traumas, like you said, I love it, is getting curious. And I think so often we use the excuse that
00:23:45
Speaker
Well, I had to experience that or it was like this back in my day, instead of challenging that and saying maybe what was experienced back in my day wasn't right. Maybe I should change some things because the way that it affected me or the way that I felt from experiencing that just didn't feel right. And so how can maybe I do something different? I love that. And I've been, I just picked up this book by Dr.
Cycle Breakers: Quest for Peace Across Generations
00:24:13
Speaker
Marielle Bouquet.
00:24:14
Speaker
break the cycle, a guide to healing intergenerational trauma. And it is, I'm one chapter in, and I'm already fascinated by everything that has been written in this book. But I wanted to read a little bit about how she describes cycle breakers.
00:24:36
Speaker
It starts by saying, being a cycle breaker is multi-tier, multi-task, multi-generational quest toward peace. It's peace for you, those who came before you, those who will come after you, your community and the global culture. Shifting into someone who embodies this mindset is shifting into someone who possesses the inner knowing that this piece is worth fighting for. I think that's so beautiful. It's a mindset. It's shifting those mindsets.
00:25:05
Speaker
And I'm not too arrogant to think that like, cause I identify as a cycle breaker, breaking the curse of intergenerational trauma myself, but not too arrogant or too naive to think that it started with me, right? Because even some of the traumas that generations before me face, they were somehow trying to shield me from those, even if they perpetuated them.
00:25:28
Speaker
And I think the starting of those breaking, like someone in your life, I'm assuming was not a perpetrator and maybe signaled to you that there could be a better way. And so I look at those ancestors, I look at different people and say, okay, they, they have helped in breaking the cycle and I'm continuing that. And I don't think that I'll break all of them, but I hope to break as many as I can so that I don't pass them down to the next generation.
00:25:58
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. And I like to remind myself that my ancestry is not just the people that I know of. And so because for me personally, I was like, I don't want to ask my grandfather for advice. Why would I? Or other people. But I went to this meditation, she was like, you can call on all the healers that were in your lineage that you might not know of. And all the like, I like that. Yes, there's some. And I want them to help me.
00:26:28
Speaker
Yes, I love that. And another thing that you just brought up that that this book talks about is the ancestral wisdom and resilience that you get. And I think you're speaking directly to that. Like it's not all bad. We get a lot of wisdom from the experiences of our ancestors and through what we've gone through. So I'm curious, what what types of of work do you do with your clients to to help them recover from trauma, especially
00:26:56
Speaker
As we talk to black and brown people, I know that is something that is a passion of yours. How do you help them think about trauma, trauma recovery and getting through that?
Priscilla's Empowerment Coaching Approach
00:27:05
Speaker
So with coaching, it's really about seeing the client as whole. So if you're my client, it's like, okay, Reggie already has the answers that he needs. He has the wisdom. He has the creativity, the resilience. But does he know that? Or does he know how to implement that in his life? So it's a lot of curiosity, a lot of powerful questioning.
00:27:29
Speaker
and holding a safe space. So that's probably the biggest thing is just holding a space kind of like you are where that person feels comfortable to be themselves. Because for a lot of people, they have never been able to say like, this happened to me, I did this in exchange for this or anything like that. And so for someone just to hear them,
00:27:52
Speaker
and to not judge them and persecute them. It's it's a big thing. And so that brings up something for me. Sorry for that, but it brings up something for me because you're reminding me now of the interview that I watched of you of of you. You have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. And one thing that you mentioned that that was so eye opening for me was the lack of validation that
00:28:21
Speaker
is received. Can you describe that or talk to that of the ways that you say it presented or manifested in a person who is borderline sorry about that borderline personality?
Struggle with Validation and Borderline Personality Disorder
00:28:35
Speaker
Yeah, for sure. And so I, just to be honest, didn't know that I could self validate. I always look to
00:28:44
Speaker
my therapist, to family members, to teachers, to literally tell me, okay, was this traumatic? I'm in my late 20s asking a therapist, was this rape? Was this what? Am I allowed to feel
00:29:01
Speaker
this way and I know where it comes from. It comes from when I was about 10 or 11 I disclosed to a family member that my grandfather touched me and unfortunately this family member responded the best they knew how to and unfortunately that was through invalidating me and saying verbatim that was not molestation and then it was never talked about.
00:29:27
Speaker
until I got it up again a long time later. And so initially I was relieved, like, oh, okay, false alarm. You know, I'm a little girl. If this person that I trust says it wasn't, I'm like, okay, you know, that was a false alarm. But after he died, like I mentioned previously, I was like, hmm, now I'm older. Now I know a little bit more about
00:29:53
Speaker
bodies and consent, he molested me, like obviously. And so that just really planted a seed of pain and kind of like a lack of trust in myself.
00:30:11
Speaker
because if I thought it was molestation, but then this person said it wasn't, so I was super confused and conflicted, especially as a little girl. And so up until that point, moving forward, I just did not trust myself to make sound judgments when it comes to people or situations. And that carried on with me until my adulthood. And
00:30:38
Speaker
Now I'm at the point where I don't need someone to cosign or approve if they think I was violated or if I have the right to be upset. I'm the one experiencing it. My body was there. I literally had therapists say some really outrageous comments and I had to tell them like,
00:31:05
Speaker
You can say whatever you say. You can keep it real. But it's ridiculous that someone felt so entitled to tell me what happened to me. Oh, maybe you said this to this guy. Maybe you literally saying this and just like,
00:31:24
Speaker
just outrageous. And so, thank you. And so it's really unfortunate because this is a therapist. So of all places, when you have someone debating with you, if you're allowed to describe it as sexual assault, it's like,
00:31:41
Speaker
what is this, you know? And so that didn't help either. But once I was able to, when I fired that therapist, that was very empowering because that's how much I believed in myself that you're off your rocker. And I'm going to tell you, I'm going to write you a letter and bullet point, bullet point where you fucked up and why you know that I'm firing you and just really trusting myself. That was a big deal to me. And so, so yeah, so it looked like,
00:32:09
Speaker
Can you describe what borderline personality disorder looks like, feels like, and how you deal with that on a daily, weekly, monthly basis? Yeah. And so right now I would say my borderline personality disorder is in remission because I haven't had any of those episodes. So for me,
00:32:38
Speaker
Yeah, so for me like my episodes tend to be a lot of intrusive thoughts. So like very racing thoughts, very just distraught and my OCD kicks in and I just have these outlandish scenarios that my mind plays and I believe them.
00:33:01
Speaker
doesn't help that I went to law school because I will make a whole case in my head. They're going to say this, let me check this statue. It's just like, damn. I exhaust myself, but I am medicated. I actually have my little. That helps a lot. Because I'm medicated, I'm in a much better place. The last time I had my episodes when I
00:33:29
Speaker
was not medicated. And so it can look like a lot of different things. There's no two people living with borderline that act or look the same. So my biggest response when I say that I was diagnosed is disbelief. There's no way. You're so calm and chill and quiet.
Managing Borderline Personality Disorder with Medication
00:33:47
Speaker
It's like, yeah, I am. And this is my authentic self. I recognize that when I was undiagnosed,
00:33:56
Speaker
It was really my best attempt at validating myself and regulating my emotions when I wasn't particularly taught to do that or believed. And so it looked like a lot of impulsive behaviors. It looked like binge drinking, eating disorders, just high risk behaviors, not being really concerned with my safety, suicide ideation,
00:34:27
Speaker
things like that. And that's, I didn't know that that all can be part of borderline is just a lot of emotional instability. My quality of relationships were not good. Definitely had some unresolved abandonment issues. And I was very quick to just cut people off like you're with me or you're against me. So a lot of black and white thinking.
00:34:51
Speaker
definitely had some anger that would come out in different ways. And yeah, and so it's just a lot of emotional instability is what I would say. Thank you for that. That helps. And I'm learning as you talk. And one of the things I want to know is if in, you know, being diagnosed and learning more about it, is it something that people can be born with or is something that is developed through the traumas that they face?
00:35:19
Speaker
So I'm not a psychologist, so I'm not qualified to say for sure. But my guess is that it's more, I think there are genetic components because one of my therapists, but she's a little questionable, she said that if your mom has borderline personality disorder, you're more likely to have it.
00:35:45
Speaker
And I also read that if you've experienced childhood trauma, you're 13 times more likely to be diagnosed as borderline, as living with borderline personality disorder. And so my understanding is I really developed this disorder
00:36:06
Speaker
from nature and nurture. So like OCD, I know that's biological, that's neurodivergence. So that's definitely heavy in my family. And I just had a lot of people, and I want to give them credit for providing and instilling values in me, but
00:36:26
Speaker
A lot of people that didn't have the awareness of mental illness and mental health. So if they didn't know how to care for themselves, they don't know how to teach that to a child.
00:36:42
Speaker
I grew up in an emotionally invalidated environment. And I'm not just talking about family. I'm talking about school. I'm talking about just across the board. And so I didn't learn how to regulate my feelings. And so I learned subconsciously, if I'm going to be heard, I have to yell at you. I have to really get in your face and
00:37:04
Speaker
be drastic with it. And that's not a way to live. No one's happy like that. Yeah, yeah. Now that that's a great point. And so you I love how you said it's in remission. I love that. What are speak to the validating things that you say to yourself and then some of the work that you've done to heal yourself in your entire journey of healing?
00:37:28
Speaker
Yeah. And so I do a lot of positive self talk and my love language is acts of service. So I try to give that to me, whether it's making the bed so I can sleep or having some good food. Um, but I would say, I would say, so I'm single and I would say it's very tested in the dating world.
00:37:55
Speaker
where you have to really be firm with who you are and what you believe in. And I think I've shown that to myself because I think of like my previous relationship and how I was really just lost before I met this person, super lost in the relationship. And it was really hard to heal from that. And so now I'm just like,
00:38:16
Speaker
No, we're not rescuing anyone. We're not paying rehabilitation center. We're not compromising. We're not covering up for people, you know, really just stand on your worth and believe that you will attract that person. Don't just settle or not settle in the sense like that person is like mediocre, but settle in that, you know, that's not your person. And so I've really been showing myself that.
00:38:45
Speaker
No, that's powerful. It sounds like the level of awareness and the boundaries that you've set have increased for sure.
Leaving Law for Authenticity
00:38:56
Speaker
You have a book. You have a book coming. You want to talk about that?
00:39:01
Speaker
in progress. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Definitely in progress. But I have a working title, I can tell you off camera. But it's roughly around breaking cycles. And I'm splitting it into five different parts. So it kind of like five
00:39:20
Speaker
strong mantras or pieces of advice, and then inserting an anecdote that I've lived that illustrates the importance of that, as well as including studies and a little research to back it up and activities for people to really hone in on building those skills. I know it's a work in progress, but do you mind sharing a little bit one of the mantras maybe? Oh, let me.
00:39:52
Speaker
I know self-validation is actually one of them. So I do have a section that really centers on that because that learning that I can validate myself has become a superpower for me because I no longer need to make a case for my feelings or for people to believe me. I can believe myself and that's enough for me now. And I know I talk about
00:40:22
Speaker
Part of that self-validation is just being authentic. So I really stress authenticity. So as I mentioned, I went to law school, I graduated, and I knew I do not want to do this at all. And that was a big deal for me. And not a lot of people were excited with my decision because it's like, why would you do all this work? And you can make good money and it can be secure.
00:40:51
Speaker
But I was like, I'm done literally living on autopilot and going through the motions. I'm going to start being authentic to me. Even if I make less money, even if I don't have the prestige, I'm happier. And that matters. Yes. Yes. I love that. I love that. Oh, I cannot wait. I cannot wait. So please, when that drops, let me know. I want to speak back to kind of the work that you do now.
00:41:20
Speaker
and ask what are some of the tips or advice that you would give to people who are meeting barriers as it comes to trauma recovery or trying to get help. What are some of the things that you would tell them?
Sharing Your Story in Trauma Recovery
00:41:34
Speaker
I would say don't give up is the first one because you might see me now and maybe
00:41:45
Speaker
I guess I'm making assumptions and think, okay, she's all right. Like she has it together a little bit. But you haven't seen me when I'm at, was at my lowest, when I was actively in an eating disorder, when I was actively drinking and passing out and just wild it out.
00:42:01
Speaker
Uh, fighting, screaming, that's enough details, but like you didn't see me in those situations. So trust me when I say it can get better. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be a lot of work. I've done a lot of crying. I've done a lot of internal work. I've done a lot of therapy. I've confronted people. I've made some really hard decisions, but it's all been worth it. And so don't give up. And I would say.
00:42:32
Speaker
part of healing is going to require, just in my humble opinion, to disclose to someone, you're not meant to do this by yourself. And I know it's terrifying to talk about any trauma you've experienced. Maybe you've already tried like I did and were invalidated, but
00:42:55
Speaker
Keep trying. You can tell me. You can literally message when you want to. But I'm just saying, if you have no one else, you always have me. You have Reggie, where we will hold space for you and we can direct you to resources. We don't have to be besties. I don't have to break bread with you to want to help you and love you. And so please tell someone. You don't need to take it to the grave. You don't need to
00:43:22
Speaker
keep it bottled in, I know. And I grew up with a lot of people saying therapy doesn't work and that's the past and just got to let it go, write it on a piece of paper and burn it and all these things. But that's cool after you process it and you do the heavy work to actually feel it, you don't snap away the anger. You have to feel the anger, let it know, validate it.
00:43:49
Speaker
you know, punch some pillows or whatever that looks like for you. And then that's when you do the ceremonies, like you burn the paper or you put it in a jar and throw it in the dumpster. I don't know, but you can't skip that processing step. And so please find someone that you trust that you can start sharing. Hmm. Yes. I love that. And I think that's the spirit of vulnerability muscle is, is knowing that you,
00:44:16
Speaker
Can get it out and that it's not a weakness to get it out. It's courage and it's a strength and it helps in that healing process. And in all transparency, today has not been a great day for me. Uh, I love what you said. Like you may see where I am now and think like, Oh, he's gotten it figured out or like things are good, but like.
00:44:37
Speaker
you know, triggers come up. I had a therapy session this morning that was actually a fantastic therapy session, but emotionally draining for me.
Reggie's Current Personal Struggles
00:44:47
Speaker
And so I had to cancel some meetings and I knew that this would be healing for me to talk with you. And so I wanted to keep this and honor this. Um, but even like I was just laying here and I like decided to post something about it of all things. And, uh,
00:45:03
Speaker
Just I want to read that. So I said, some days it's hard to smile. Sometimes it's hard to even get out of bed. Today is one of those days when it's hard to find a smile. I often go back through old photos and videos like the one that I posted to remember what put a smile on my face in those moments. Sometimes it helps and cheers me up for a moment.
00:45:26
Speaker
In other times, it creates more tears. Most of the time, it's a little bit of both. Like sports, some game plans are simplified and straightforward, but in life, healing is not one of them. It takes so much energy to trust the process.
00:45:43
Speaker
when you feel like you're drowning in generations of pain. So fucking much. But I know it works. So on days like this, I breathe, take it slow and listen to the wisdom of my body. Healing is not linear and it's not easy, but it is necessary. And we're healing now. So, yeah, to your point, it is not always going to it's not going to be easy. It's going to be hard to go back and figure out what that thing was that
00:46:14
Speaker
angered you and then feel that anger again, then discharge that anger in a healthy way so that you can get to that ritual, that ceremony where it then is something that you are healing from. And no, this has been absolutely fantastic. I want to keep going. So I got a question to ask you. One of the, I think, hardest things in my vulnerability, at least, is asking for help.
00:46:42
Speaker
So I'm going to ask you that. What do you need help with right now? Wait, first, can I respond to your... Oh, please, please, please. I just want to say thank you so much for sharing. That was beautiful. Where did you post that? Was it Instagram? IG, yeah. Okay, I'm going to look at it after. Yeah. Because that was beautiful. And I appreciate you sharing and it's the truth. It's the truth. Some days are going to be tough and I appreciate you practicing self-care and canceling those meetings and holding space for yourself.
00:47:11
Speaker
And what do I need help with? Let me think about it. Yeah. I'm definitely someone who, you watched my other interview where I have not been someone that asked for help. The world will be ending and I will still show up. I will pass out. I feel that. You want to come back to that one?
00:47:40
Speaker
You wanna come back to that one? Oh, okay, yeah, I'll think about it. Yeah, think about that one. All right. If you guys have a conversation with anyone living or dead, who would it be? And why? Lord. There's a few, so let me think out loud. I mean, Malcolm X, I love him. That's like my... Have you seen the MLKX docu-series on... I've watched it on Disney Plus.
00:48:09
Speaker
No, I haven't. Oh, you should check it out. I actually wrote a blog post on it after the first episode about spiritual bypass and the distrust in mental health and even just the health care industry from black people because of what something something I seen in that episode for from both of them. So it goes through MLK's rise and then Malcolm X's. But it's fantastic. You should check it out.
00:48:36
Speaker
Yeah, thank you. So I would say him and just learning more about him and maybe what wasn't included in his book and his interviews and guidance. I also want to talk to Selena.
00:48:52
Speaker
She passed away when I was like four or five. I really love her and I'm not really one into idols or she's probably the only one that I'm like, wow, I really love her because I just have such strong memories of her music since I was a little girl. And I just really feel that she was so authentic, just authentic, a trailblazer. And I just love her. Yeah. And then
00:49:20
Speaker
I kind of want to talk to my grandfather. Hmm. Powerful. I like the hair snap. I like the release.
Hypothetical Conversation with Grandfather
00:49:28
Speaker
Yeah, but I kind of want to talk to him because I'm not angry at him anymore. There's a long time that I really had to work through a lot of emotions. But
00:49:42
Speaker
I really do think he was sexually abused based on circumstantial evidence. And it doesn't give him a pass or anything, but I kind of just want to know why. And that is what really hurt when he died, because I knew I could never ask him. And maybe that's better, because I don't think I would have asked him in a nice way.
00:50:09
Speaker
I just know in my, and this is the thing though, like I know that he loved me and that's really confusing. Like really loved me and my brother and my mom. Like I loved him. I, after my dad, it was him, you know, as a father figure. And so that was super confusing. So I would kind of just want to know, like, Oh, let me not talk too much. I'll start crying, but I'll probably just be like, okay, vulnerability. I voted really.
00:50:35
Speaker
Um, I would probably ask him if he really did love me, which is sad. Yeah. Yeah. That's deep. Yeah. I want to come back to it. See if you have an answer. I think leaning into my.
00:51:01
Speaker
Okay. So I think tangibly I want to start making different content on Instagram. I want to just very simple talking to the camera and just give like advice. Um, so kind of like the advice that I give in coaching sessions and the meetings that I facilitate where I constantly get positive feedback. Like, wow, that was really helpful. So now just starting to make that more accessible and, and say it. So I think, and I've been wanting to do this, but I haven't done it.
00:51:30
Speaker
So I think just that, you know, tangibly making those types of videos, I think also just
00:51:41
Speaker
Um, being patient. I don't know how you could help me with that. Holding me accountable to be patient and to continue to trust my inner voice because I still sometimes it's my nature to want to like rescue people. So my career choice is very fitting. But
00:52:02
Speaker
I don't need to rescue anyone. I just need to support people that want to be supported. So it's a problem for me when I try to, or have this desire to fix someone that hasn't even done the work or may not even be willing to do the work. So I have to like catch myself. Yeah. Yeah. That's huge. Cause that's going to drain you if you don't like you don't. Oof. Okay. Is there, is there anything left on your heart in this interview that you want to share with the world before we close out?
00:52:33
Speaker
Well, I really love that you're holding this space.
Advocating Vulnerability for Black and Brown Men
00:52:37
Speaker
It means a lot to me to see black and brown men be vulnerable. So I'm Hispanic and I look at some of the male figures in my family and
00:52:54
Speaker
A lot of them didn't have the chance to be vulnerable, like literally. My dad didn't have an adolescence. My uncles didn't have an adolescence. It was very much, you're a child, now you're a man. And it affected the way that they showed up for others. And so I want Black and brown men to know that
00:53:15
Speaker
It's okay to be vulnerable. I know society doesn't make it seem safe and literally it's not safe in some spaces, but there's people like me and Reggie that are willing to hold you and hold space for you.
00:53:32
Speaker
for you to talk about whatever has happened to you. I think there's a lot of adultification of black and brown boys. That is highly disturbing and they deserve to be innocent little children just like everybody else. And so I encourage them to be playful, to find relationships and connections that allow them to be vulnerable. So,
00:54:02
Speaker
just from a lot of men that I either dated or met, there's just a lot of expectations placed on you all to be like very masculine, which I think that's okay. You know, masculinity is cool, but when it's to a degree where you're not allowing yourself to be vulnerable or to tap into any feminine parts, that doesn't help you. That doesn't help you to suppress those feelings. Everyone gets sad. Everyone gets scared. And so my hope,
00:54:31
Speaker
for every black and brown boy, teenager man is...
00:54:35
Speaker
I hope that you have a space where you can be yourself. And if you don't have that space, then reach out to us because I want to hold space for you, where you can just be yourself and be playful and be vulnerable and be soft. That's so beautiful. I think that so well said and, you know, adultification and dehumanization, right? Well, yes, that's a topic.
00:55:03
Speaker
To say I can't show my emotions, I can't be vulnerable is to dehumanize me. To strip me of that part of my being is so harmful. And so I want to piggyback on what you said in saying that you being able to show up in your full self, the masculine and the feminine balancing each other out, is you being human. So don't let anyone strip your humanity away from you.
00:55:31
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. I think there's, I don't know, maybe in 2024 I will kind of simmer down, but a lot of, you know, like those podcasts and those messages about a lot of things. And I just want men to know that there are people that will love you even if your bank account is in a certain amount or if you don't wear certain clothing.
00:56:00
Speaker
It doesn't matter. We're all going to die. We all bleed bread. We're all mortal. So yeah. Absolutely. How can people get in touch with you Priscilla? So you can reach out to me on Instagram at Cycle Breaker Coach. And then my website is priscillamaria.com.
00:56:20
Speaker
All right. I'm going to put those in the show notes. This was such a fantastic conversation. I mean, we could talk about so many other things and I'll probably have you back on so we can talk about other things. Yeah. But with all the things that you could be doing and all the places that you could be, I appreciate you being here with me, embracing vulnerability. Absolutely. I wouldn't have been anywhere else because this means a lot to me and I appreciate you trusting my voice and holding space.
00:56:45
Speaker
Thank you so much. Take care. Thank you for joining us for another powerful episode of Vulnerability Muscle. I hope you found inspiration and valuable insights that resonate with you.
00:56:58
Speaker
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00:57:20
Speaker
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Social Media and Podcast Engagement
00:57:25
Speaker
And don't forget to spread the word. Follow us on Instagram at Vulnerability Muscle for updates. And you can connect me personally at Reggie D Ford on all platforms. Visit VulnerabilityMuscle.com for additional resources and upcoming episodes. And remember, embracing vulnerability is strength.
00:57:42
Speaker
Thanks for being a part of the journey. Until next time, stay empowered, stay vulnerable, and keep flexing that vulnerability muscle.