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014 - Survive the Breakup and Preventing Others with Denis Dixon
29 Plays1 year ago
Join host Reggie D. Ford in a profound conversation with Denise as they navigate the journey towards inner peace and self-discovery. Denise shares her experiences of success, failure, shame, and self-acceptance, unveiling the layers of growth and learning she encounters daily. From childhood trauma to societal expectations, Denise explores the complexities of identity, independence, and genuine connection. Through their candid exchange, Reggie and Denise unravel the importance of embracing vulnerability and owning one's journey towards healing and confidence. They delve into the intricacies of relationships, with Denise opening up about the profound impact of her upbringing on her romantic connections and self-perception. From intergenerational trauma to learning self-love after a breakup, they share insights on recognizing toxic patterns and fostering healthy connections. Denise introduces her workbook, "Survive the Breakup and Preventing Others," guiding readers through understanding themselves and preventing recurring relationship patterns through self-reflection. Together, they offer valuable insights into navigating the complexities of human connection.
Highlights:
⭐️ Denise shares insights into the impact of childhood experiences on adult behaviors and coping mechanisms, highlighting the need to confront past traumas for personal healing.
⭐️ The conversation explores the paradox of independence and the human need for connection, as well as societal pressures to conform to rigid gender roles.
⭐️ Reggie and Denise examine the role of relationships in personal growth, emphasizing the value of authentic connections that foster self-awareness and empowerment.
⭐️ Denise reflects on her Jamaican upbringing and the cultural expectations that shaped her sense of identity and resilience.
⭐️ Reggie and Denise discuss the challenges of overcoming self-doubt and imposter syndrome, emphasizing the importance of self-compassion and self-acceptance.
⭐️ Denise reflects on how her relationship with her father shaped her perception of self and influenced her choices in relationships.
⭐️ They explore signs indicating it's time to end a relationship, emphasizing the need to prioritize self-respect and emotional well-being.
⭐️ Denise shares her coping mechanisms post-breakup, including travel and self-reflection.
⭐️ Reggie highlights the importance of self-love and healing from past trauma to break cycles of toxic relationships.
⭐️ They discuss strategies for healing and self-growth, including recognizing and addressing patterns of chaos in relationships.
⭐️ Denise introduces her workbook, "Survive the Breakup and Preventing Others," emphasizing its comprehensive approach to psychosocial healing.
⭐️ Denise reflects on her purpose in life, finding fulfillment in helping others recognize their blind spots and extend grace to themselves.
Connect with Reggie
IG - https://instagram.com/reggiedford
FB - https://facebook.com/reggiedford
LI - https://linkedin.com/in/reggiedford
X - https://twitter.com/reggiedford
YT - https://youtube.com/@reggiedford
Website - https://reggiedford.com
Book - https://amzn.to/487OqJD
Podcast - https://reggiedford.com/vulnerabilitymuscle
Podcast’s IG - https://instagram.com/vulnerabilitymuscle Podcast’s FB
Connect with Denise
Website - https://www.iamdenise.com/
Surviving the Breakup - https://amzn.to/3yincDC
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Transcript
Impact of Childhood Needs and Adult Behavior
00:00:00
Speaker
It says, when you don't know that you need love, affection, and attention because you never got it as a child, and you refuse to look for it because you think it makes you weak, you will suffer, trying to do without it consciously as you subconsciously look for it in all the wrong places.
Introduction to 'Vulnerability Muscle' Podcast
00:00:22
Speaker
Welcome to Vulnerability Muscle, the empowering podcast challenging norms and guiding you to find strength and power through vulnerability. I'm your host, Reggie D. Ford. In a world that often portrays vulnerability as a sign of weakness, I believe it is a source of tremendous strength and authenticity. Through insightful conversations and thought provoking interviews, Vulnerability Muscle aims to redefine vulnerability and help listeners develop a new perspective on their own lives.
00:00:51
Speaker
Each episode of Vulnerability Muscle delves into a variety of topics, such as mental health, social issues, and mindset shifts.
Tools for Personal Growth and Inclusivity
00:00:59
Speaker
We explore the power of vulnerability in healing, building resilience, and promoting personal growth, as well as fostering meaningful connections. This podcast provides practical tools and strategies to navigate life's challenges, overcome adversity, and create more inclusive and just environments for all
Denise's Journey of Self-Discovery and Vulnerability
00:01:17
Speaker
people. Mr. Niece, welcome, welcome to Vulnerability Muscle.
00:01:21
Speaker
Thank you, thank you so much. I'm so excited about this conversation.
00:01:27
Speaker
I'm excited too because we had a chance to connect before this interview and I just, I got your energy through the call and it was, it was so much and it was so brilliant. And you sent me something that I have to read and it just describes who you are and why I was attracted to your profile and I'll get to the profile later, but you, you wrote, I have successfully, or I have, I have succeeded brilliantly, failed drastically.
00:01:55
Speaker
crawled in and out of shame, bypassed and suppressed, acknowledged and ignored pieces and spaces within myself in the process of self-discovering. I am not a model of a person who has made it. I too am going up the mountain, but I am still learning every day along my journey.
00:02:17
Speaker
I am a mother, a sister, a friend, a woman, a soul, a purpose, and a work in progress. I'm a life coach, a mother, an entrepreneur, a single woman navigating my way up the mountain. Damn. Let's go.
Seeking Inner Peace and Confronting Past Traumas
00:02:37
Speaker
Let's go. Can you, can you tell me and the world what those words mean to you?
00:02:45
Speaker
wow, you know, it's interesting, excuse me, because hearing them literally just kind of like, I'm like, no tears, no tears. I think that everyone is going up a mountain, you know? I look at it like visually, you're going up and somebody's telling you that's not the way to go. When everybody's trying to get to some point of inner peace, right? We spent our entire lives
00:03:12
Speaker
try to go everywhere else only to discover that the one journey we need to be on is the one, you know, seeking inner peace. So I think those are just some of the emotions that I've experienced as I try to navigate my way to, to that really is to get into a place within yourself. And sometimes we all say we want to do it, but a lot of times we want to go around it. We don't want to go through it. Right. And as
00:03:40
Speaker
I've navigated my way and still am. These are some of the emotions that I experienced along that journey. And so I think when I wrote that, it just came from such a place of truth. And I'm hearing it. Even though I wrote it, it's like hearing it. It's like, wow, because I'm feeling it as you're reading it. So yeah, I think a lot of people can relate to that. That's my experience.
00:04:10
Speaker
It's a human experience, to acknowledge the successes, the failures, the ups, the downs, and going through it. I think that is something that is so critical. I was just in a therapy session yesterday and talking about how, because of what I've experienced in my healing, I'm excited.
00:04:32
Speaker
really wanting to go through even more healing because I've seen the growth and not to run from it. Like I don't want to run from it anymore. And I think we get comfortable running from it because there's hurt, there's pain in addressing you've been through. And to get past that, you have to go back through
Navigating Societal Pressures and Emotional Needs
00:04:53
Speaker
it. You have to run through it and you have to go up that mountain. So that was beautiful. You must be a writer. You must be a writer or something. You know what?
00:05:02
Speaker
I love to write. I think sometimes even when I'm referenced as a writer, I feel like I have so much to learn. I love the ability to express emotion and words are one of the ways that as humans we do it. But I want to read you something. It's interesting because I'm working on this book and I wrote this in the book.
00:05:28
Speaker
and I thought I was gonna share it with you. And it's piggybacking off what you just said. It says, when you don't know that you need love, affection, and attention because you never got it as a child, and you refuse to look for it because you think it makes you weak, you will suffer, trying to do without it consciously as you subconsciously look for it in all the wrong places. And-
00:05:59
Speaker
I kind of wanted to, because after we spoke the last time, I was like, Oh my gosh, that conversation was so refreshing. I don't even know when I was like, I was like 15 minutes. So we got a little bit longer this time. So, you know, but I thought that would be a good kind of like way to kind of dive in.
00:06:19
Speaker
because, and it just kind of piggyback off what you just said, there's so many times that we don't want to admit to ourself the neediness part of us, right? Like we need affection and we need attention. We need somebody special something, somebody special someone, and not that that should be a need for you to exist or you can't function without it, but not acknowledging the need or the desire that you have for it can be just as dangerous.
00:06:48
Speaker
I think sometimes our society teaches men, you know, like, yeah, you got to be, you know, I'll need that, you know, kind of deal. And then you're subconsciously looking for it in all the wrong places. Yes. You know, so like, I think that's from from a male perspective, like,
00:07:07
Speaker
What are your thoughts about that? That was like the first thing I was like, I gotta ask him that. That's a great question. And I think, I agree. I think the, to say I need something feels like saying I'm weak in a way where I'm lacking, which is just human to need things. Like I think about, I always think about the Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
00:07:29
Speaker
And how at the very base of it is the shelter, the food, the water, those things, but then safety and then love. That is a need for human beings is to have love to thrive and flourish in this world.
00:07:47
Speaker
And so as a man, I think the need for, I don't know, I've seen it both ways with men and women to say, I don't need somebody else to fulfill me, which is, I think, a facade for many people, because deep down underneath it all, we, again, as humans, as beings, we need that connection to other people and that love. That's how we grow. That's how we survive.
00:08:16
Speaker
I think the the lack or saying that we don't need it comes from those experiences. Like you said, when we didn't get it as a child, we learned to survive without that love. And so we put up this coping mechanism throughout our lives to say, I don't need it. But to be fulfilled, to be healed, you do. Yeah, you do. And
00:08:42
Speaker
And what that looks like in a person sometimes can be a hot mess. I think a lot of times I don't want to call anybody out.
00:08:56
Speaker
So I'll give you a classic example, right? So I dated this guy once and he really identified himself as like a person who like did not need attention and he's just not that kind of person. He doesn't like when too much attention is focused on him. But he owned a pair of socks that were like Batman cape. So like when he walks, the cape of the sock would like
00:09:21
Speaker
lie. And I thought to myself, you were six? No, I dated a guy. This is a grown man. I mean, he all says to Batman lovers, Batman's great. But I think what was interesting to me is that he identified himself as a person who did not require attention. And he doesn't like when too much attention is placed on him, because he likes to be the person that's kind of like off in the cut.
00:09:47
Speaker
But that's what he identified himself as because maybe that sounds more solid, maybe that sounds more like a man, maybe it sounds less needy. But in fact, that wasn't a reality because like your socks has cape on
Balancing Independence and Vulnerability
00:10:01
Speaker
it. That's like inviting a conversation. Which is okay because be that, right? Like if that's what you are, be that. But to have the disparity in who you are versus who you think you are,
00:10:15
Speaker
And then that's a part of who you're identifying yourself as, when in fact, that's really not you. And I see this a lot. I see us using the language of society, the language of expectations of who we're supposed to be. And it's usually a disparity between who we are. Like if you're a needy woman,
00:10:33
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, I'm not needy. I'm strong and independent. Okay. Both things can be true. It's not paradoxical. It's okay. You can be strong and independent and curl up in the fetal position under your boo. You can be both things. I think there are a lot of messages coming from society. Honestly, I think I really had to get myself to that place because I come from a very traumatic background and independence and
00:11:01
Speaker
surviving and kind of navigating my own inability to externalize vulnerability has been like a struggle. And I look at the two things.
00:11:16
Speaker
I'm a needy girlfriend, I feel like. And by needy, I'm independent, but at the same time, I like to be home cuddled up under my person. It's kind of like, where are you? I thought we're going to watch Star Trek. That side. And I think for a long time, I wasn't comfortable even expressing my want or my need. And sometimes I think that could make a person feel like, especially when you're an independent woman,
00:11:43
Speaker
like, oh, this person doesn't need me at all, which plays into their insecurity of not being needed and replaced and, you know, like subjective.
Cultural Influences on Personal Development
00:11:52
Speaker
So.
00:11:52
Speaker
It's it's one thing bleeds into another, like, you know, so much. And I'm I'm learning. Trust me, I'm having to unlearn independence because over independence is actually a traumatic response. It is hyper independence is a traumatic response to wanting those needs met when you were younger and not having and not getting the met.
00:12:15
Speaker
And so you create this this reality that I am the only one that can meet my needs. And so I do that the rest. That's something that I deal with on a daily basis. Yeah, I am. Like I do everything and I am like my my greatest desire for myself is to, you know, better my trust and better my delegation skills and understand that I cannot do it all.
00:12:39
Speaker
I cannot expand and scale in the way with my impact the way that I want to by being hyper independent. And that comes from, that's a trauma response, like you said. I love what you said about like that disparity, cognitive dissonance between like what you're thinking, what you're feeling, who you are and who you actually are. And it's so, I wish
00:13:06
Speaker
I could walk around with this therapist translator with people and just to see what they're saying and then who they actually are. But I think even who we are,
00:13:19
Speaker
I heard this once, but like it takes other people to even know who we are. Right. Because you, you are who you are in your brain and who you think you are. And then you are who you are to the world, who you express yourself to be. But you also are the person that people perceive you to be. Like you are all those different things and it takes other people and their perceptions on you to make up the full person that you are. And so you can think you are something and show something, but how people perceive you is just as much as who you are.
00:13:49
Speaker
as well. Yeah. Alan Watts is one of my favorite minds of all time. And dang it, sometimes I read so much. It's either Alan Watts or Christian Martin. But they have this concept where they're like, a lot of people want to get so much love and so much something else out of a relationship. But one of the best gifts you can get
00:14:17
Speaker
is to be with someone who really allows you to see yourself, to see your weaknesses, to see where you need to grow and how you can evolve, not just for them or not just for the relationship, but for your existence as a human being. And I thought, how incredible would it be if we all kind of look through that lens when we go into a relationship? Because we're all sensitive in a way. And a lot of times when people tell us things,
00:14:48
Speaker
that's not me. Oh, you don't know me. And sometimes we reject it so reflexively. There's like no time between thought of hearing the information and that defensive kind of response. So I think one of the approaches for relationship is to go in looking for all the things that we go in for, but really to be with a person who you feel like could make you see things
00:15:13
Speaker
within yourself that could be improved or make you see strengths within yourself just by their very being, just by them being who they are. And I think what stagnates growth in relationships and in individuals is when you're with a person where
00:15:29
Speaker
I know they say you can learn something from everybody, but sometimes the things that you're learning from that person is not something you're benefiting from. You're learning how not to trust, you're learning how to shrink within yourself. You're learning how to lower your expectations. I mean, you're learning that also, but it's not necessarily a good lesson. So I think that's kind of like one of the lengths I'm going to look through when I get back out there in the dating world.
00:15:58
Speaker
So tell me, where are you from? Where are you, Carlin? I hear an accent. Where is that from? Oh, okay. So I'm Jamaican born. Jamaican born, Jamaican raised. I moved to America when I was 14. But, you know, there's something about being born on that little island. I mean, there's something special about everyone, I would say. But there's something about
00:16:24
Speaker
being born in a place where, and when I was born up in Jamaica, I feel like society held you to a standard. So standards were not just held in your house with your parents. If you didn't have parents, your peers held you to a certain standard. Your teachers held you to a certain standard. So every walk that you took, you were held to a standard. And I think that's kind of like one of the differences I experienced with American society. It's kind of like everybody
00:16:53
Speaker
at the time when I got here just seemed so disconnected that the standard, like the baton is put on. It's your parents' responsibility to raise you, right? So if you leave the house and you go out on the street when I was a child and your face wasn't washed or something, by the time you get through the gate, there's the neighbor. Why you don't wash your face?
00:17:12
Speaker
You know what I'm saying? You better not let her mom tell you that you came out. Let her tell your guardian, parents or guardian that you came out of the house with your face now, Washington. Now that's a representation of them and it's indicating what they have or what they don't have. So it was just that kind of like,
00:17:32
Speaker
society. And, and, but on the other hand, you know, children are supposed to be seen that her spoken only when spoken to answer when called. So there was also this kind of like lack of autonomy that you had as a child. Um, and, and so that, you know, gives some challenges later on in life, but from the time you can speak, you were able to say my name is so-and-so.
00:17:59
Speaker
I'm this amount of years old and my ambition, my ambition is to be whatever. So there's really intentionality in you, right?
00:18:08
Speaker
went as words come out of your mouth. And that's from the entire community of folks. That's like the expectation. Oh, it's just like, let's go talk to a little Jamaican baby right now, a little two, three-year-old. My name is, I'm two years old. I want to be a doctor. My ambition is to be. Like, that's a part of Jamaican. Like, you're going to be somebody. Yeah. Now, when you grow up, you may make some choices and don't become that. But the intention is going to be clear.
00:18:36
Speaker
I come from that kind of society and it puts a certain awareness of expectation as a being on this planet that you have that I'm grateful to have been born where I was born, where I was born. Absolutely. Wow. It takes a village and it sounds like y'all live that. That village is strict though. They tell you what they think and feel. Yeah. Sometimes you need that though. You need that sometimes.
00:19:06
Speaker
This is also the place where like, if you have a deformity or something, that'd be your name. That'd be your name. That'd be your name. Yeah. If you can't talk, that's how you got me. Oh, man. Dang. It'd be like Deffy. Deffy. Oh my goodness.
00:19:22
Speaker
But the thing is they're such a tough skin because that's just what it is. Like this is what it was going to be. So you're either going to hurt your feelings every time you hear it or you're just going to be like, okay, whatever. Cause you're going to be calling that person something, you know, true. Yeah. Yeah. What, what are some of the experiences that created the, the, the person that you are today? Like you, you seem very sure of yourself. What created that?
00:19:50
Speaker
Oh my goodness. Again, we're talking about the disparity of how we're perceived and how we are, and how we experience ourselves on the inside and how we express ourselves on the
Owning Personal Struggles for Confidence
00:20:01
Speaker
outside. Because as you say that to me, you know, it's full circle, like you're expressing that to me, but do I see myself that way? Do I see myself as like, confident and assured? I mean, I would say depends on the day and the circumstance. I come from
00:20:18
Speaker
a very, very traumatic background. And when people say how are you as a child, I say shorter, right? I feel sometimes like that's the only variable because I was always inside my head a lot and I was always thinking. And I think what's brought me to where I am is because I'm always traveling, not in the sense of I'm always traveling within myself. I'm always traveling to understand
00:20:48
Speaker
What is happening to me? Where am I? Why am I responding to what I'm responding to the way that I respond to? And the moments that I have the courage to really look that in the face, I think that is the birth of confidence. But there are times when I can't and I try to go around something instead of going through it.
00:21:08
Speaker
And then I get back to some point of center, which we all strive to, and own it. I think owning your stuff makes you confident. I think I've had to learn that, and I am learning that, and I teach others to be more comfortable in that space. But I think that's really one of the main things that gets me to whatever it is that you're seeing. Yeah, definitely.
00:21:38
Speaker
Definitely. I grew up with a traumatic past as well, and I think it has the ability to create.
00:21:47
Speaker
what people see of us, but also that internal dialogue that we have with ourselves that is like, I'm not that. I've been fooling off all this time and I don't feel what you feel about
Influence of Family Dynamics on Relationships
00:22:02
Speaker
me. So I totally resonate with that because I think people would say similar things to me that I would not necessarily agree with. And I think in vulnerable conversations with a lot of people that I know
00:22:15
Speaker
That is a common thread throughout. And I'm curious if you're willing and open to share, this is vulnerability muscle, something that shaped you around relationships because I think that's something that you are an expert in and that you coach people with. But what is some of those experiences that shaped who you are as a person in relationship or the relationships that you've had? Wow.
00:22:44
Speaker
I think one of the leading forces that has shaped me in a relationship, and it's very standard with a lot of women, is the relationship that you have with your father. I mean, that is so, I'm a boy mom, I have two sons, and I literally look at my sons and see like half of me in one, and the other half of me in the other.
00:23:09
Speaker
And I think for a long time, I did not want to deal with the correlations that a severed relationship with the person I thought was my father and how that kind of played out in all other relationships. I think we subconsciously look for those elements in the parent dynamic
00:23:38
Speaker
And I think sometimes we also pick the dysfunction because we're subconsciously trying to resolve that trauma and don't realize that. And I think for me, and I really don't want people to feel like I should have figured this out by now. Like I'm this amount of year old or I'm on this marriage or in this relationship and I should have, I should have, I should have. You know what? It's what are we doing right now? Like, how are we looking at it?
00:24:07
Speaker
And I had to do that. And I literally saw, interestingly enough, not only how my relationship with my father affected my relationships, but my relationship with my mother. Because a mother gives you the first layer of acceptance of you're good enough. You can work it out. You can work it through all those positive messages. And if those messages are not there,
00:24:38
Speaker
that has an effect as well. I think the relationship with my parents shaped my relationships and unfortunately not in a good way.
00:24:52
Speaker
I think I know I agree 100% and I think there is this misconception, not misconception, but this unfair reality that we place on women and having daddy issues where I've seen in my life with myself and with so many of my male friends is that
00:25:17
Speaker
We also possess those same daddy issues and we possess mommy issues as well that affect our relationships. But we don't own it. Like you said earlier, we don't own it. And it comes out in insecurity. It comes out in so many toxic ways. And I think back to what you said about like the mother being that first level of acceptance, of love, of who you are. And that's something that I struggle with greatly.
00:25:47
Speaker
like thinking about the way that my mom parented as a very young 14 year old mother to me and the traumas that she had experienced and how she was being better than what she was exposed to, but her better for me was still subpar.
00:26:08
Speaker
And that's hard to tell someone because they, they honestly feel like they're doing much better and it is much better, but it's still not good enough. And, and that had an impact on how I saw myself, how I saw myself in relationship and how, you know, I expected.
00:26:30
Speaker
things to go in relationship. And so like, I will be honest and open about, you know, I have mommy issues and I have daddy issues. My dad wasn't there. My dad was not there when I was growing up and I wanted him to be there. And I don't, you know, there are tons of reasons why he wasn't part
Gaining Awareness Through Reflection and Therapy
00:26:47
Speaker
of it. He was in prison for some of it, but other parts to people, my parents didn't
00:26:52
Speaker
connect. And so there are a lot of things that I internalized around both of those relationships that show up today that I am learning and unlearning. I'm curious where that awareness for you came from. Was it through therapy or was it something that you self reflected on yourself? Trial and error.
00:27:18
Speaker
failing in relationships and just like, it was interesting to me because whenever I date someone, they often experience me in like a life-changing way, right? Like you had a positive impact. And I always kind of feel like, yeah, that's the therapist version, you know? It basically got free therapy.
00:27:43
Speaker
And I found that there was a part of me that was fulfilled of someone getting that, which I probably didn't even realize that I needed, right? So if you don't feel safe and if you never felt alone, never felt seen or
00:27:59
Speaker
I'm grounded with someone that I provide that for you. But the issue is I wasn't using a rubric to evaluate whether or not there was a certain level of reciprocity in that. Does that make sense? And sometimes subconsciously that could be because that would mean that I would have to kind of go in and accept some of those things. And maybe I was more comfortable with being the provider.
00:28:27
Speaker
than taking the risk of being vulnerable to acknowledge that I needed that provided to me and then have to go through the childhood trauma experience of not getting it or having it and then it's gone. And then there goes abandonment issues. So it's kind of like, okay, let's just navigate. But even in that,
00:28:46
Speaker
You have to pick people who are emotionally mature enough to be looking at the element of reciprocity and wanting to be for you what you are for them, even if they don't know you're modeling the behavior. So don't just pull and extract all of that mineral and gold and oil and just be all the better for it.
00:29:10
Speaker
but not really ensure that the other person's having that kind of level of growth. But maybe I couldn't expect that because if you pick a certain type of person, then you cannot hold them to expectation outside of the functionality that you selected, right?
00:29:29
Speaker
Um, I was thinking about what you said a few minutes ago, because I'm writing this book and when I'm done with it, and one of the chapters that came from it, and one of the chapters that, um, I was born with a committed issue because I was born the product of two people who had no commitment to each other or to themselves. Damn. Damn. You sit back.
00:29:55
Speaker
Right? Think about that kind of legacy. This is what your birth into. So where does that even give you direction of what is enmeshed within that soul or that spirit that now has to find its way into this thing that it wasn't even born into or out of?
Breaking Cycles and Recognizing Support Systems
00:30:17
Speaker
How do we even begin to first have an understanding of what that is?
00:30:22
Speaker
you're not going to see anything committed consistently around you. And sometimes you really have to give yourself grace when we examine where would I have learned this, right? This thing that I'm supposed to be, where would I have learned this? I have a sister and I called her one day and I was in tears because I met someone, they had been in America for like three years and they had all this stuff accomplished.
00:30:49
Speaker
And I just felt like everything I was doing, it was just like I should be further along than I was. Which, mind you, where I was was probably further along than most people in my family had ever been, right? And I called her and I was like, yeah, this guy, he got here from Africa three years ago and he's focused and he has all this stuff together. And my sister says to me,
00:31:13
Speaker
Do you know that when that guy was coming from Africa, 20 people probably got together in a village, sold their goats and gave him money to come here. And when he gets into a position where his back is against the wall, he has a whole system that he could probably tap into. And she said, who sold any goat for you to come to this country? In Jamaica, she said, nobody sell goat for you, come here.
00:31:44
Speaker
No, no one's so cold. But we have to ask ourselves that, like, what is this support system? What is this model that you had? You know, like, my mom expressed disappointment to me one time. And I had it. And I finally said to her, do you think you're a Claire Huxtable? You feel like you're Claire Huxtable and you raised me as such.
00:32:10
Speaker
And you mean like perfect mother. Is that what you were referring to? You created all of this. So you should have this daughter who's together and like the little bit of togetherness that I have. I'm like, I don't even know how I have that because of what I came out of, not only as a daughter, but what you came out of as a child. Cause she was also 15, 16 when she gave birth to me. So what is it that you think you're implementing in a child?
00:32:38
Speaker
How can you show a love that you were never shown? How could you show a sacrifice that no one ever sacrificed for you? And what do you think the implications of that was? How do you think that kind of plays out later? So when I'm making decisions that you feel like are so dysfunctional, like maybe try to meet me where I am and maybe we can both grow. I got the model from somewhere. Absolutely. Yeah.
00:33:06
Speaker
You spoke, I mean, you're speaking to the intergenerational curses that get passed down and you stepping up and having that awareness and saying, wait a minute, that's breaking it, breaking some of it. At least we cannot continue this. I don't even want to say it's because I got to this point of evolution. I feel like it was one of those points as I described where I was literally in a place.
00:33:33
Speaker
fighting to not suppress all of that. And the person that I really needed to be there for me was not only not being there for me, but was attacking and judging and forgetting themself. And I never to that point said,
00:33:51
Speaker
I've said, you know, you've loved me the way you know how, which she feels like it's shady, but it wasn't. I was just really being honest, like that's what you knew.
Empowerment Through Self-Advocacy
00:34:01
Speaker
But back to your point earlier, sometimes what we know isn't enough. No, no, it's not. And so I was in a place where I really needed a mother, but I feel like she was more interested in being a judge as a mother. And so
00:34:19
Speaker
You have to sometimes go into those places within yourself and advocate for yourself. And I'm grateful to have had that experience because that experience allowed me to hear myself advocate voice. And if I can use it with her, I think it made me use it easier with people that I probably would not have.
00:34:42
Speaker
Yeah, I think that's huge. I think that's one of the hardest to use it with her. So I think it definitely empowers you to talk to other people in that way. Yes. I got a question for you. So this is going to be a little silly. What are some of the best breakup lines that you've heard or given to somebody? Oh my gosh. I'll go with the spander and it's not you, it's me. I need to focus on my career. It's not you, it's me.
00:35:12
Speaker
I heard that I told someone that I need some time and they said, like, what do you mean? How long? And I heard, I don't have any memory of it, but I heard that I said, I don't know, a week, a month, a lifetime. I really... I'm sorry.
00:35:34
Speaker
That's real. Hey, there's still hope for the next lifetime. They're probably sitting there waiting and like, okay, let me go on and make this happen. Yeah. Oh man. So I'm curious to ask you, when do you know it's time to break up with
Ending Relationships Healthily
00:35:52
Speaker
somebody? What are the signs and how do you do that in a healthy way so that it doesn't create chaos? Oh my gosh. That is such a good question.
00:36:04
Speaker
I think you know when it's time to break up with someone, when you have more experiences with them, where you don't feel good about yourself than you do, you know, vice versa. You know, there's like, you know, we have brain, we have the heart and there's this guy whose last name was heart and he discovered
00:36:31
Speaker
that they're actually neurons in our hearts. So that's like saying that your heart has a mind of its own because you know, like neurons is what we think. And so your heart feels everything, but we've grown to just kind of like not listen to it so much and just call it anxiety or just call it pressure or whatever. But there's something in your heart when you get around a person and your heart gets heavy,
00:36:58
Speaker
when you think about them and your heart gets heavy, when you think about the things that you want, but you have to immediately dismiss it because they can't give it to you for whatever reason. And that does not have to be financial. I'm talking about emotional, whether you want them to be there and they can't be there for whatever reason, whether you want them to understand you at a certain level and they can't for whatever reason. And you find yourself spending more time in the space of hope than you do in the space of acceptance.
00:37:30
Speaker
So if I'm spending more time hoping that things will be a certain way as opposed to, you know, this is what it is and I'm good with that, that's a telltale, right? If it's like future, like you're thinking, yeah, he's gonna change, he's gonna, he's gonna, or she's gonna, and most of your time is in the hope of the relationship as opposed to just what it is, that's really,
00:37:57
Speaker
And then how do you cut that off in a healthy way? It's not you, it's me. I need to work on myself. Yeah, I think cutting something off in a healthy way is doing what is best for yourself, what is best for you.
00:38:22
Speaker
and how you externalize that. I mean, you want to not hurt someone, but sometimes people have to be hurt.
00:38:30
Speaker
And sometimes what they're heard about is not what you think they're heard about. They're heard about what they're going to lose because you're the person that they tell all their problems, that's always there, that look at them as they're a giant hurricane. It's really not you, like the essence of you, because they probably don't even know what that is. They're just in the space that you filled. So I think the healthy way to do it is to be honest with yourself first.
00:38:57
Speaker
And, um, you know, they kind of make the decisions in terms of make a decision how to externalize that, you know. Wow. That's beautiful. That's beautiful. And I love what you said about what they're going to lose, like what, what the essence of you, what you represent in their life. It's still thinking about them. It's not necessarily thinking I'm losing you, like you are the one. It's you fulfill me in a certain way and there's going to be a void there. That's going to hurt in that void. I am trying to avoid.
00:39:26
Speaker
Wow, that's great. So what do you do after a breakup? How do you recover? How do you love yourself, find yourself? So, I mean, I'm still a girl at the end of the day. So, you know, if it's a sad situation, you know, there's ice cream and lots of talking to my sister. But to be honest, one of my life hacks is travel. So like if I'm going through a breakup, I will.
00:39:56
Speaker
I will get on a plane and go home to the womb, which is Jamaica for me, because Jamaica has a way of centering me. Because I look around and I see what I came out of and I see what I'm doing and I see what I could have been had I not left. And I find gratitude and then I try to use that gratitude to diminish whatever the sadness is.
00:40:25
Speaker
And then I just don't date after. You tell them it's a lifetime. I am too comfortable in this single space though. I think I've gone too comfortable. I don't know if there's anything wrong with that. I mean, I think. Yeah, I think
00:40:51
Speaker
There isn't anything wrong as long as you're happy, but I think what happens is when you're using it as a way to not necessarily push yourself beyond a certain vulnerability. I'm one of those people who feel everything, so sometimes I just get emotional, lazy, and I'm just like, I don't want to feel.
00:41:16
Speaker
I don't want to feel like I'm one of those people like when I love, I'm like, I love like Shakespeare, like between the heights and depths, you know what I mean? I just love. I don't drink, I don't do drugs. So I think my dopamine comes from that, you know? So when I'm in love, I'm just like immersed in exploring someone's existence, like their thoughts and their being and their spirit and they're just everything. Like I'm just I'm just into that.
00:41:45
Speaker
And when you love that deeply, you have to be very, very careful. And I learned that very late. You can't just be out here just loving because some people. Everybody not going to receive your love like you're giving it. And also everyone's not going to understand the value of such a love.
Healing and Preventing Unhealthy Patterns
00:42:05
Speaker
And if they don't love themself enough, they'll never be able to
00:42:10
Speaker
reciprocate something to you that is natural, that isn't necessarily natural for them. I think that's a big part of it, loving yourself. And I would say if, if I were to give advice on what to do after a breakup, it would be to start to love yourself more and understand the, what you were getting from that person and what they fulfilled and how do you fulfill that for yourself?
00:42:34
Speaker
And how do you heal the parts of you if it was chaotic, if it was toxic? How do you heal the parts of you that are comfortable in that chaos? Because our nervous systems want to go to what's familiar. And if familiar is chaos from where we grew up in and what we lived in, what we lived through, we keep attracting these people, these partners who are chaotic for us and we can't seem to get out of that cycle. How do you heal that part of you?
00:43:00
Speaker
I start to love the diff... Hey, I need my writer's credit if you're writing this down. And this is a perfect time for a plug. Are you ready? Yeah, go ahead. Break up and prevent it. There it is. There it is. You just, you set that up so well. See how you were hoping to promote.
00:43:20
Speaker
It's like I'm a pro at this or something. This is, this is a workbook and it's not one of those like, was just like a few words on the page. It's like a complete biopsychosocial, right? Say the name of it again. Surviving the breakup and preventing others.
00:43:39
Speaker
Go get that. Denise Dixon, you got to go grab that. Yes, surviving the breakup and preventing others. I think one of the things that happens with breakups, when people break up, a lot of times they don't do enough reflecting collectively. How did this relationship fair to the other relationships? What was the state of mind that I was in before this relationship? What are some
00:44:07
Speaker
patterns or blind spots that I maybe haven't because I'm feeling a certain thing that I felt in a previous relationship or I didn't feel. So this workbook, it starts from the beginning. We probably get into you and a relationship further in the book, but we start with understanding who you are. Where did you come from?
00:44:31
Speaker
What is the generational issue that may be there? One of the exercises we have in here where we talk about, who was your mom? Who was your dad? What were their expectations of life before you? Were you planned? Were you not planned? How did that change their plans?
00:44:49
Speaker
And subsequently, how did that change him as a person? You mentioned your mom having you at a very early age. I'm sure she had other plans, but then that now was not her life. So does that make her become bitter? Does it make her become angry? And how does that affect how you were parented? And then how you were parented, how did that affect how you grew up and what you looked for in a person? So the book really goes deep into who you are
00:45:19
Speaker
some of your family dynamics. And then it really dives deep into your lens in a relationship, your expectations of a relationship. What are you looking for? What should you be looking for? And let's take, I don't know, the last three relationships and really line them up side by side. And here are several criteria that we're going to look at. What is this telling you? What are you seeing? What are these things that you went in kind of wanting and expecting?
00:45:48
Speaker
But wait a minute, it wasn't here. And it wasn't here. And it wasn't here either. But I actually want this. And these three people did not have that, right? And that's what this is. Yeah. I love it. Because I feel like when I write, I write as a vessel, right? I try to just be the vessel. And the other day, I was going through it. And I thought, oh my gosh.
00:46:17
Speaker
did that like years ago. I feel like I would be in a different dating or lack thereof situation. So surviving the breakup and preventing others. Yes. Go grab
Importance of Self-Compassion and Authenticity
00:46:31
Speaker
that. Go grab that Denise. I want to ask you several questions just to get your, your first thought, your first, uh, answer and no need to think hard on it, but you can elaborate if you want, but I got a couple that I just want to get out there. So.
00:46:45
Speaker
What is one thing you do to relax when you're feeling stressed? Dance. Dance. That's so good. Yes, that's good. That's somatic therapy right there. You're getting into the body and moving it and shaking it around. Yes, yes, yes. Yes. What comes to mind when you hear the word vulnerability? That's great. That's great. I don't know how this is going to show up in the transcript, but that's amazing.
00:47:12
Speaker
I don't like it. It's like vitamins, you gotta take them, but. Oh, that's good. What is one of your favorite childhood memories? Once my mom and I didn't have taxi fare and we were walking miles, miles, miles, miles to go home. It was like three o'clock in the morning and she would like pick me up and you know, when she gets tired, she would put me down and we were walking.
00:47:42
Speaker
And I remember looking at her and seeing that she was tired, and I was like, do you want me to carry you? Yeah. And sometimes, because she was a young mom, she was mean. But I realized that love really kind of transcends everything. And I think I learned that in that moment, because I wasn't just saying it. If I could have carried her, I would.
00:48:11
Speaker
And I think if I'm mad at something or mad at someone or I feel like I want to get to that, I hate this person. I think about that and about how love really is not that. Love is such a powerful force. Say it again. Love is a powerful force. It is. It is.
00:48:37
Speaker
Um, this is a question. What do you need help with right now? And answer that however you want. I think I'm a little harder on myself than I, than I could be. And I think I still need to work on grace. Yeah. I I've, I've gotten better.
00:49:07
Speaker
But I think, I think it could be a more natural way of being. I think I have to kind of remind myself, okay, nobody sold goats for you. So that question, I mean, that answer is, is very, uh, uh, something that you could do for you. Like what can someone else help you with? And can they help you with that? Helping you find grace for yourself. I think, I think when people are.
00:49:36
Speaker
present and authentic in whatever the spaces I'm experiencing with them. I think I get so much from that.
Living in Alignment with Life's Purpose
00:49:46
Speaker
I really do. And regardless of where they are, what they're going through, I get courage when I see people kind of face, you know, what they're going through and acknowledge it and kind of own it. And especially if that's a struggle, it gives me it
00:50:05
Speaker
It helps me in my journey because I see another person going up the mountain. That's real. That's real. Authenticity, genuineness. Yes. Yes. I love it. One last question. What are you living for? Wow. That's a good one.
00:50:31
Speaker
I'm living to actualize the purpose that the creator sent me to this planet too. Really. Have you discovered that purpose? You know, I think sometimes I think that I have, I think what I do and the thing that happens when I'm in that space or that life coaching space,
00:50:58
Speaker
and the blind spots that I'm able to help people recognize and the grace I'm able to help them to extend to themselves and the things I'm able to help them realize. I think that that is the best feeling that I've ever felt outside of, you know, my children. And I feel like that has to be tied to my purpose somehow. I'd agree. I'd agree.
00:51:21
Speaker
Ah, this has been a fantastic conversation. We could talk all day long, but I know I got to respect time. Uh, how can people get in touch with you? Okay. So my website is I am Denise.com. Uh, that's spelled the regular way. I am D E N I S E. I have, um, a series of, uh, so this one is what I'm promoting right now.
00:51:46
Speaker
By the way, we actually have a workshop and seminars that we do for a whole day. I know I'm supposed to be coming to your hometown. We're going to work on that. And then if you go to Amazon and put Denise Dixon in, you'll see a series of my journals. This one is Thoughts and Feelings because I really think we need to document what we're thinking every day. Another one is Mood and Habit because we never want to track our moods, but we really
00:52:16
Speaker
I just need to. And of course, gratitude and wellness. Yes. Gratitude and wellness. I love it. So if you go to Amazon, put Denise Dixon in, it'll come up at my website is iamdenice.com. And yeah, I pretty much stay as plugged in as I can. I'm Jamaican, so I have 10 jobs. That's beautiful. Is there anything else on your heart that you feel like sharing with the audience?
00:52:42
Speaker
I think your audience is very lucky to have you as a host. I have a podcast also where I interview people and sometimes you cannot get to the depth of a person because everyone just wants to plug something that they're doing and tell you how successful they're being. And success is not an everyday. Their day is even as a successful person, you don't feel that way.
00:53:09
Speaker
So I love the fact that you're able to have conversations with people where you don't allow them to just surfacely navigate, stay on the top. And I think your own vulnerability and your own willingness to share your experience makes you a great host. And it also equipped you with the questions to ask in order to get to that layer in someone.
00:53:35
Speaker
Yeah, I really enjoy talking to you and it was great. Definitely. Definitely. It was fantastic talking to you and you got to let me know when you come to Nashville, set up the workshop or bring some people out. Yes. Awesome. Working on it. Definitely. Denise, with all the things that you could be doing and all the places you could be, I appreciate you being here with me, embracing vulnerability.
00:53:57
Speaker
My pleasure. Thank you for joining us for another powerful episode of vulnerability muscle. I hope you found inspiration and valuable insights that resonate with you.
00:54:06
Speaker
If you're enjoying this journey of self-discovery and empowerment, there are a few ways you can support the podcast. First, make sure to hit that subscribe button so that you never miss an episode. If you've been moved by our conversations and the mission of redefining vulnerability, please consider leaving a review. Your feedback not only motivates us, but also helps others discover the podcast.
00:54:28
Speaker
Share your thoughts on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you tune in. And don't forget to spread the word. Follow us on Instagram at Vulnerability Muscle for updates. And you can connect me personally at Reggie D Ford on all platforms. Visit VulnerabilityMuscle.com for additional resources and upcoming episodes. And remember, embracing vulnerability is strength. Thanks for being a part of the journey. Until next time, stay empowered.
00:54:55
Speaker
stay vulnerable and keep flexing that vulnerability muscle.